Posting Quickly

I am still just so...different.  Erratic?  I do not feel sad anymore, but when I say "anymore", I mean yesterday, just one day.

The things I have been saying, that I have thought at the time have been okay to say, my lord.  Now it is to Mark's family members, and I have never ever meddled in their affairs.  I even said something to their mother, but we were sharing, a really good, deep conversation on text and I felt comfortable with her.  I did make a comment about a topic that is extremely sensitive to her.

I think I can make it brief.  Their brother is somewhat estranged, but he does see his parents a few times a year.  That may not fit the description of estranged.  I use that word though because I know from his wife that he is very angry with his parents, and she is furious with them and they say they have absolutely no idea why his wife will not speak to them, even to say hello to them when she comes over.  She has told me that she is protective of him because of what he has told her of things that happened to him by them when he was younger.  Mark is quite a bit older than Mark and his sister so they do not know what it could be.

It makes her cry when they come over and his wife completely ignores her and everyone else (except Mark and I - she and I have gotten along extremely well, at least until my email yesterday).  BUT, I have been thinking about family relationships in general, we were TALKING about family relationships, and I brought it up.  They do not know it was not out of the blue, or that it was a question, like do you know if...not what did you do?  I do not feel bad about that conversation at all, yet they seem absolutely horrified I said anything.  OMG, people!  This is an OBVIOUS situation in the family!  You know, people cry, *I* cry, but does Mark freak out about it and never talk about something that I have cried about again?  NO!  Sure, he is more sensitive about it, but oh!!!

I get it now.  Another thing I am just saying what *I* think needs to be said, and damn anyone or anything who thinks otherwise.  Yes, before I would have been stopped by my empathy, but is it lacking?  I do not know.  It needs to be talked about, it just does.  NOTHING will happen if no one talks about it!  I do not want to get involved, which I know is not obvious, but being a tiny spark to something would be nice.

Outside of his family, I can think of one more just unbelievable conversation that I wish I could take back, but what's done is done.  I told Mark, after his initial shock at my telling him about his mother (what in the WORLD is their deal with her?  They need to stop treating her like a wilting flower!), I told him that perhaps I should minimize my social interactions until I am more back to myself.

I sent a text to my psychiatrist/therapist about my personality change, it does concern me.  I did find something interesting on the internet about it though.  It really is possible that someone's personality can change after the loss of a parent.  An example I read in a study was the loss of a parent who was highly critical of their child.  When the parent is gone, (I do not remember the exact wording), the person feels a type of liberation.  I thought about that...yes.  I do - I feel free now.  Free from SO many thing.

It is really, really hard to explain and even saying something like that makes me feel like I am a bad person.  But...yes, there were quite a few negative...beliefs?  feelings? I had about myself that are suddenly just gone.  I am not saying that my mind has CHANGED about anything about myself, but suddenly...whatever they were doesn't matter at all to me.  If I sit here and think about what they were, I will remember and I do not want to right now.

Just thinking about it, I feel so calm and relaxed.  Like...there is no one I have to please but myself, no one who will tell me I am not good enough when I try my very best and work my hardest.

Okay - ugh.  Too deep, alarm - alarm - I should not have gone there.  Maybe that is NOT TRUE - abort.  I do not know about that, but I do not want to think about it again, read it again to even delete it.  Just posting and forgetting.

Maybe I am not okay at all.

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