Yucky Post - Yuck

Thinking about all of this old family stuff before Christmas is too much - bad timing when it is alongside old Christmas memories already, you know?

I always wonder - who is the problem, my mother must be the problem, and yes, she does have issues.  But can't I be the problem too?  Yet...there are people who do not have all the information, all they know is what she has told them, and I am learning to just go with that, I cannot change that.  I am not always in the right either.  No one can be perfect - she or I.  But it does not even matter that I am the freaking child in this relationship.  And everything happened when I was 16.

I chose not to be a doormat any longer, to stand up for myself.  And obviously, to get away from the crazy, out of control, drug abusing, violent, neglectful lifestyle.  Also, I cannot exactly help that she threw all of my belongings out of the house, then cried for years asking why didn't I come back.  Um.  I was always speechless, I truly had no answer.

I already cringe and cower if someone we both know asks me something that would require me to say something not so pleasant about my mother.  For some reason, I think there will be retribution, I just do not know how and I may never know what it could be.

I am not the only one she has banished from her life, although I am not exactly begging her to love me.  Her entire family except her brother (Uncle Charlie that she said such horrible things about and told me she was going to hire a lawyer and sue him when we had our trust), my brother, and....that's it.  All of her/our cousins - her entire family, I guess they do not exist to her.  One of my cousins told me that she has not kept in touch with the family at all, even when our elderly aunts moved into her small rural Kansas city.  I am sure they would have appreciated if she could have looked in on them, seeing it could not have been more than a mile in any direction to their where they were residing. And...seeing that she worked as a nurse in a freaking nursing home?!?  There has been a funeral or two since then, and it seemed like they felt a lack of respect because she did not bother to show up.  They did not expect me to attend - I was only a child when I knew them, they did not even give me the information.  I would have gone, I think I did want to go, but it was like I was a child - no, no, it is okay - that kind of thing, you know?

So what did I do?  No idea why I did this.  One of my cousins passed away from cancer, one that I knew she liked a lot when I was younger.  So I sent her icky yucky gross husband (they all have been very disgusting men) a Facebook message letting him know he had passed if she wanted to go to the funeral.  I am guessing she did not, someone would have mentioned it to me if she had.

Honestly, I could care less what she does, what people think of her (really, I have no other choice, that is a HUGE hangup I had since before I started kindergarten, and for my own sanity, I had to let it go), so why did I bother to mention it to her husband?  Maybe I think it reflects poorly on myself.  But if that were the case, if what my mother still still does reflected on me as a person, I am not sure I could live with that. I do not agree with her lifestyle - definitely what it was, nor what I think it to be now.

I have been thinking - she has a lot of resentment, hatred, anger, whatever the awful feelings that she has, for a lot of people.  I can think of so many people and that is just the ones I know.  Who else is there?  What must that be like to live with these feelings towards so many people every day?

I bear this burden of what I feel for her - this one person.  I have pretty much worked out my feelings for everyone else.  I feel a sense of anger, regret for the past but also...no hope for the future, there is nothing that I have not done if something were to happen that should make me feel like I did not truly try.

So in that sense, I have peace.  It is not my decision, and that is a good feeling.  I can forgive, and move on.

But I do wonder...what are her feelings that she feels towards so many exactly?  I see them as a color - pure, dark tar black.  I want to describe the feelings, but you know, I honestly cannot.  I really do not know.  Usually I have some idea, a place to start, but I am absolutely clueless.

If I were to start somewhere, at least to make a start that could be wrong, I would choose that she suffers from low self esteem.  I seemed to recall that she NEVER wanted anyone to do better or have better than she did.  It was always some strange competition, the urgency in her voice to find out details, the putting down of someone.  And it was ALWAYS materialistic.

Yuck yuck yuck.  I cannot think or write about this much longer because it makes me feel very disgusted on the inside.  What a horrible and miserable way it would be for ME to live my life.  I do not know what I thought of it - if anything - when I was younger.

Perhaps they way she lives and how she protects herself from people and the world - that is contentment to her.  It makes her feel good.  I do not understand nor can explain, but I do not have to.

I am going with that, for the first time going to believe she is content and happy with our relationship the way it is, and you know....just let it go.  I need to LET THIS GO.  Give it to God, if there is anything to give.  There may be nothing but my own unresolved feelings....and longing.

But a person as toxic as she once was and as she continues to act towards me, that is the last thing I need in my life, nor would I be able to handle anything like that and stay mentally stable.

Perhaps I should trust God to know what he is doing.  It seems like I have done a lot, probably too much already.

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