Mark has been the one who has been tolerating my craziness, and I mean it must seem like absolute abandonment of emotional control. He has been so, so patient and understanding, not suggesting anything like not taking medication, mania, simply replying to my rambling, constant and upset texts all day long when I KNOW he is especially busy. He will even call me concerned because I am so upset.
I had a moment last night where I was thinking through WHY I was not able to get ahold of myself - klonipin has calmed me but it's not enough. I was telling him how there have been many times when I had missed feeling so passionate and so deeply about things, how I thought I felt dull on medication, but it was hell feeling such intense emotions. Of course I assumed it was my illness, what else could it be? Along with stress of course, triggered by stress. That is what I assumed.
He said no, he totally did not think that was it. He said this is how I feel and act when I take steroids for an infection (Prednisone), and that is why I have always hated it so much. Wow...I was shocked and relieved at the same time. Yes, he is right, I have always fought and argued with my doctor that I did NOT want to take Prednisone, but I had totally forgotten why. When I saw him last, I even asked for it, knowing it was the quickest and best way to get over my bronchitis/asthma right now.
How did I completely forget? Life has been HELL for the past few days, and I mean hell. When I am so emotional, it does not mix well with social media. When I am hyper manic, somehow I am able to stay away from social media, I can force myself. I assumed that was the problem this time as well, but had no luck with cutting myself off from social media which I found very odd. Not only that, but while I did feel SO emotional, my thoughts were rational. When I am hypermanic, I am able to determine pretty quickly that my thoughts are not rational but cannot help obsessing over it and feeling how I feel.
I still think and feel the same way over the most ridiculous and totally made up thoughts I have had, the same feelings are there over things that were not rational. I find that bizarre. It still annoys me, even though I know I was ill at the time. I guess the feelings always stay with me. How I felt is how I felt - that part was very real to me, even if the thoughts were not, and perhaps it is foolish of me to think they should go away.
SO! Out of 10 Prednisone I prescribed, I have taken 7 and I *know* I am not supposed to ever ever stop taking a batch of steroids until the end, SCREW THAT! My mental stability and staying positive is hard work, and this is the absolute worst time to be out of control emotional right now. I can't deal with one more thing adding to the mix of my messed up emotions at the moment.
I do feel better - not cured, still asthma and bronchitis problems, but better. Easier to deal with than being out of my mind.
Right now, I realize...my faith is so much more important that I realize, so helpful and calming. Why don't I seek it more often? Good times and bad? Human nature I suppose, but it seems wrong. Ugh, can't feel guilty about it, that ruins everything. Grace. Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. : )