Health Update

I finally made it to the doctor yesterday, needing medication for my asthma/bronchitis, and had kind of a laundry list of other issues since I had not been in for awhile.

He prescribed the needed steroid I had come for (I have just given in since that is the only thing that works), then we moved on to my...I guess I do need to document this, my apologies to anyone reading this.  My bowel movement issues?

Not just blood, but once, only blood, and lots of it.  That should suffice for details.  I had to use a pad that day to catch all of the blood from the WRONG end!

No, I did not race to the doctor when it happened, any of the times.  For some reason I was convinced, or had convinced myself that it was a bad side effect of my migraine medication.

I kept repeating that and he finally said no, it is *definitely* not a side effect of Imitrex.  Well there you go.  He asked a few more questions, like if there was a history of colon cancer in the family to which I have no idea.  My mother was adopted.  I left with something called a FIT test to screen for colon cancer and  a script for a blood test.

I am not really freaked out, just documenting it really although it is on my mind and I am sure that is normal.  Really, it could be anything - it could be nothing.  Hemorrhoids I suppose?

My daily headaches I think he chalked up to not at all taking care of my allergies and asthma and told me to get back to my daily maintenance schedule asap.

Also - new migraine medication.

It ended with his saying he only had 15 minutes for yesterday's appointment and we needed more time.  He said to really think about any and every issue I have had and am having, make a list, and when I come back (he would not take my appointment yesterday as my needed physical!!), he wants to sit down with the nurse and go over each one.  UGH.  I am still psyching myself just to make myself go in for the blood work and do the whole poop test.

I told them about what I was told about how my mother had passed away - being diagnosed with congestive heart failure, then several months later, but seemingly unrelated, her brain not sending the signal to her heart and she passed away in her sleep.

He did not say much, and I only told him for medical reasons.  But I did ask later - what do I need to do to ensure that does not happen to me?  I do not think he has ever been so...hard to think of the word.  He has the most incredible bedside manner of any doctor I have ever had.  He could totally be scolding me and I do not even realize it, he just seems so caring and gentle.  SUCH a nice doctor.

I have never seen that veil come down, and I do not understand really why it did.  Maybe it is how I took it?  He looked up at me and very directly and almost in an annoyed way (but not at me), he said something like, "The way they said your mother passed makes absolutely NO sense at all. I guess that would be heart failure, but I don't know."

I thought about that for a minute.  Why WAS it described like that to me?  He is right - what her husband told me I guess is the description of heart failure, but not the reason for it.  So no, he could not tell me what I could do to decrease my chanced of it happening to me.

I am unsure what to do with this new information, but her husband never said that was the definitive answer, and he was not able to explain it to me well and apologized for that.  He is very much grieving.

I still cannot get it out of my mind that someone MUST be waiting on a toxicology report.  If an autopsy is done, which her husband said has been completed and he has the results, is that an automatic part of it, especially where they were not sure of the exact cause?  And if they were waiting on the results from a toxicology report, would anyone EVER tell me?  Of course when I heard she had passed, my first thought was she had OD'ed or some type of death related to drugs in some way.  I was convinced, and I still find it hard to believe that it is not but...I have not even seen her since I was 18.  Yet...that is all I know of how she is and her lifestyle, why wouldn't I think that?i

To me, her husband seems extremely annoyed about not having an answer about the cause.  Yet...when I ask about it, he seems to be grasping for words and apologizing, but not really giving me an answer besides what I have said.  He says he doesn't remember the "exact word", etc. etc.  I could put together this whole conspiracy theory in my mind.  If it was MY spouse, no matter how much I was grieving, wouldn't that become burned into my memory, to find out all I could about it?  Ask for spelling, write it down, I would research and decide for myself if I agreed that was the cause, etc.?

Yet I do not know, I am speculating.  I have not lost a spouse.  But I just cannot imagine descriptions or words escaping me when it came to the death of my spouse.

Is that crazy?  I should call him will ruin the rest of my day.  It seems rude to send a message.  I suppose I could try and text him, but then waiting for a response will stress me out and the last thing I need right now is more stress.  But I do not want a lot of time to go by and for us to grow into the strangers we have always been.

What do I do???  Ugh.  I see my psychiatrist/therapist on the 11th, the first time in a month, and I just do not know if one hour is enough to get through everything I have to talk about!

I wish I could just forget about it - the cause of death.  But I do need to know, for medical reasons.  If it was tied to anything drug related, you know, maybe I am better off not knowing, but I do need to know the cause of death.

My mind is swimming.

Mark is taking the suggestion of colon cancer harder than he should I think.  But of course any time "cancer" is mentioned about a loved one, it is scary.  He said he is going by my reaction, which he said seems concerned but not scared.  I was more concerned when I got home from the doctor but he did not say something I was not prepared to hear.  Blood from the butt - of course I knew that was going to be brought up, so it was in no way a surprise.  I may have even been annoyed had he not suggest it, like really?  As if it is NORMAL?

Crazy - I have gotten a lot more orders for this time of year compared to last, despite my scaling everything back.  Mark keeps cautioning me - take it slow, do whatever you have to do, everyone says that.  I do NOT know what the freaking deal is.  I am not this incredibly talented artist - I just don't get it.  People want to buy my wreaths IN SPITE of me.  I am thankful, yes, but it is scary to think I am headed back down that same road.

On that note, I am going to see what I can do in that area.  It seems so backwards though!!

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