Hope Lost, I Guess Long Ago

I just don't feel well.  An overall feeling of not feeling good, fatigue, yet my stomach - is it anxiety?  This time it is...is it an ache?  I do not know, I am trying to tell the difference between overwhelming anxiety and physical pain.  I give up.  It just feels the way it feels but I am glad I am not in bad pain and not stuck in bed.  I just feel yucky.  I am so tired of feeling this way, if indeed all of this time it has been physical pain.

Am I the only one that experiences this confusion?  Not being able to tell the difference between horrible anxiety and stomach pain?  Not sharp pain, but just like the stomach pain that is intense when at least I have bad anxiety.

I have no hope, none at all, that any of this will go away.  My overwhelming anxiety, if that is what is is, has not been cured.  Why is this any different, if it is stomach pain - like a dullness I guess?

I am tired of not feeling well, tired of complaining constantly as if I were a hypochondriac, for attention.  If that were true, it does not work, I do not get attention.  If I wanted attention, that is not the kind I want.  I am sure my husband thinks I always have an excuse - I am always sick with this or that, using it as an excuse for some reason.  Do I?  I guess people soldier on, I am sure I am depressed, and have given up hope about feeling overall good and healthy really.

I slept most of the weekend - still not over whatever upper respiratory infection I have and have been coughing and getting sick, making Mark pull over to the side of the road.  Of course, no empathy whatsoever.  I do not expect it - this is what I mean.  I am sure he hears my complaints of being sick all of the time.  I think he thinks I make it up, I really do.  Perhaps that I am too dramatic - I know he thinks that of me.  And he is probably right about that.

I should call my doctor and tell him I finished my Prednisone but am not better, but what is the point.  I do not know what is worse - a stronger steroid with worse side effects or hoping eventually I get better.

I am an absolute loser.  I bet all of this is in my head.  Maybe my mind is making excuses not to do things because I am depressed.  Hell I don't know!  I wish someone could understand, anyone, how it has felt physically for so long now.  I am just really, really tired and do not see any possibility of it ending.

I did complete my poo test and sent it off.  I really do not care at all what the results are.  Why would it matter?  I have no hope anyone can help me feel better.  I am so unmotivated to get that blood test.  I have truly, truly lost hope, and this is just how it is going to be.  I need to "suck it up, buttercup".  

And I will.  Maybe everyone feels like this all of the time like I do, and I am a pansy.  Maybe this is depression in the physical form.  Who cares, it is not getting better, not anything.

But here I sit, with this awful feeling in my stomach, with no idea now what it is that I feel.


No comments:

Back to Top