This Will Be On Your Permanent Record

I wanted to mention one more thing, and it has been weighing heavily on my mind.

When my mother passed away, I did a background check on her husband as I did not know her cause of death.  With the company I wanted to use, I purchased a one month unlimited person search, and for some reason I still have the unlimited search function.

ANYWAY!  I do not think it is weird at all that I would do a background check on an ex boyfriend that I had filed charges against for domestic assault.  There were three charges and the district attorney wanted to prosecute one as a felony (adding the assault was with a deadly weapon, I think).

Like most battered women, I had called and told the district attorney I wanted to drop all of the charges.  He told me that he would not let me do that, but he would drop two and only prosecute one.  I said okay - I didn't plead with him or anything, I just said okay.  It was out of my hands and a part of me knew it was the wrong thing to do I am guessing.

This was over 20 years ago so that is why I am saying "I am guessing".

My ex-boyfriend told me at the time it was all a big joke.  He said he was taking court mandated anger management classes with guys all in his situation and they all just sat around and laughed about it.  That made ME feel like a joke.

When I ran his criminal background check, what I found confused me for days about what I was seeing.

On one hand, why did I see anything at ALL?  He had said he received deferred adjudication on one charge, like the district attorney told me.  He was to attend an anger management class, be on probation and then it would be off of his record.

Yet it was on his record.  Not once, but twice.  Misdemeanor Class A Assault with Bodily Injury.  I could not figure it out, and then it dawned on me finally.

When he told me that, he was being partially truthful.  He had been prosecuted for just one assault and received deferred adjudication.  Had he completed (I am guessing here) the terms, I would not have seen it, and he omitted the 80 hours of community service and that the probation was for 2 years.

So why was I was seeing it twice?  Because he had TWO convictions.  They were committed on the same day, yet the court dates were different.  The second court date was after Mark and I had started dating and I had stopped talking to him.  I have no idea why the prosecutor decided to pursue a second assault, but he did originally plan to prosecute three.

He actually pled GUILTY to the last one - he does not admit ANYTHING.  I wonder if it had something to do with the call I recorded with him admitting everything about that day that I turned over to the detective.  Not my idea - the detective told me exactly what to do and I just did it.  I will never forget his reaction as he listened to it.  He seemed so shocked.  He told me that was the first time he had ever heard someone admit their abuse.  I remember thinking he made it his mission to see that he would be punished.  He had so much passion about it.

I am not angry any more, just telling the story.  All of this time, I assumed he had a clear record and was really disappointed in myself that I didn't do more to help another woman who might come after me and get hurt or worse by him.  But I did do something, I did stand up for myself,  at least initially, and the district attorney helped me.

But what is going through my mind NOW is....almost screaming in my mind at the top of my lungs?  OMG he must be SO PISSED AT ME!   I mean seriously, like scarily pissed.  Like, yeah, it scares me but I realize that it is good that I just know NOW 20 years later.  He has known for 20 years and is probably like whatever about it.

I was surprised it was on his record 20 years later - a misdemeanor?  Then I found out it will be on his record for the rest of his life.  That makes me want to vomit, but at the same time - shouldn't it be?  If it happened to someone else, YES, I would absolutely want it to be and I would want to know that about someone.  BUT, because it happened to me....I don't know, screwing up someone else's life because of me, yet *I* did not cause that to happen, yet I did call the police, yet....I don't know.

Mark said it could very well effect his getting a job somewhere.  I don't know about any of that, a misdemeanor, but I guess places that do background checks.  Don't make me feel any worse.

This is so fucked up and it was too long ago.  I thought everything had all gone away, there was no record of anything happening.  Yet...there is also no record of anything violent happening since.

So was *I* the problem all along? ME?  Or did I prevent more violence?  Or is he more forceful about his wife not calling for help?  Geez.  I need to get this off of my freaking mind.

Closed Shop - Opening A New Chapter

I get so anxious for no reason sometimes.  We did not get into a fight after I wrote that last post, but I completely understand why he was so upset about work, as well as understand why I would be anxious.  I need to work on that about myself and have been - trying to be more in the moment.  Obviously I have a LOT of work to do.

I was so sedated being on 100mg of Topomax that I cut the tablet in half and am now just taking 50mg.  I need to text my psychiatrist and tell her that I have done that.  I have a lot more energy now.

I told the ecommerce site yesterday that I wanted to close my shop.  The orders were overwhelming, but I was so sedated I had gone for a few weeks without sending out a single one.  But I was not making any profit either.  I discussed it with Mark and he agreed with me.  I need to keep my commitment though and finish my orders.  14, ugh.  But then I am free.

They were nice and said to let them know if I ever wanted to reopen my shop and they would.  They had originally written me because, of course, this is the second time I have gotten so behind and they wanted me to catch up and then I would be on 4 weeks probation.  The probationary period would be taking orders but not collecting the funds until after the probationary period was over, although I could use the funds towards shipping, etc.  That was okay, whatever, but thinking about being back in this situation just overwhelmed me.  It still does.

I HATE it, I absolutely hate what I do now.  I love creating things, I love making wreaths, I love making home decor, I love making things beautiful, being creative, all of it.  I just hate schedules, deadlines, and especially working for free or losing money for my hard work, creativity and original designs.  My wreaths sell so fast that I cannot catch up - I never even got a chance to play around and find the right mix to slow it all down.  Raising prices over and over did not slow it down (although I should have kept doing that since I did not make any money, although I am to blame for that). The last time I only put a certain number of wreaths for sale, but then they ALL sold which I did not expect, and that was too many for me to make and I am just DONE to try again on that site.

There is another platform that I have sold on in the past and have done well, and I can use a completely different business model.  I have started the process but need a freaking break!

I think Mark does not want me to do anything - make wreaths any more because it has been so expensive to us.  He keeps saying "you know, you don't have to do anything if you don't want".  Yes, I do.  I need a PURPOSE.  As soon as I told them I wanted to close my shop, I felt panic.  What was my purpose?  What was I doing?  Just sitting in a house?  I had made no plans and I needed one.  Mark was trying to calm me, telling me it was okay, I was at a crossroads, but I was not okay.

I do feel I have a God-given talent.  I just need to figure out exactly how to share it.  My friend that I helped with her business that was not doing well that is now flourishing told me I should go into consulting like I did with her.  I mean....I don't know.  On one hand, I could say something about that, on the other hand, maybe I am not giving myself enough credit.  She frustrated me.  It was all things I researched, albeit days after days after weeks and longer - if she wanted to succeed, why was she lazy about it and not do the same?  However, it fascinated me, one of my most favorite parts of the whole thing.

Guess I had better get to work - ta-ta!

Please Not a Fight...

Mark called and is on his way home, will be here shortly.  Quick predictor - this will be a terrible night and we most likely will argue.  I have not done anything that has made him angry and no one is upset at him at work.  Someone got a big promotion at work, in a different department from him, for a job that he did not apply for.  And he is furious that this person who got the job is a full VP while he is not.  Yet...he did not apply for the job.  And he does not even work in that department.

As a matter of fact, he would have had an excellent chance of having this very job had he stayed in that department, but he could not get out of there fast enough once his project was over.  They wanted him to stay, but that is how he is - restless, unhappy where he is and is always looking over the fence at the grass he swears must be greener.

He was fuming, yelling on the phone about it as we was telling me about it, letting me know he was on the way home instead of going to the person who held the position's going away party (because the person who got the job was going to be there - I would say sore loser, yet...he how did he lose exactly?)

I will not be able to say anything right.  Anything I say, any tone, any approach, any topic, even if I say nothing, I bet it will be wrong going on previous experiences.

That means I will get yelled at.  Or should I say..."I am NOT yelling!  This is how men cry!"  In other words, yelling.  Or just simply...I am not yelling.

How in the world do I keep myself from engaging if everything I say is going to be wrong.

Yet...isn't there something wrong with HIM?

Sure, I get jealousy - to a point.

But something good happened for someone today.

Why does something good happening to someone else, not him, mean something bad happened to HIM instead?  Why is that the first reaction?

Why is everything about HIM at work?

Do other people see him that way?

It is so hard to live with - it is an emotional rollercoaster that must be treated very carefully - with white velvet gloves at all times.  If that is the male ego OMG.

Lots of Changes

Over a month ago, my psychiatrist prescribed Topomax for my migraines.  She asked how often I was getting them which I had not considered, but it was about half of the month.

Since I started taking it, I have had one migraine not long after I started taking it, and that is it!  I feel SO much better.  How in the world did I live that way?  No choice I suppose.  Now just cold like allergy symptoms that I am working on.

I have had some personality changes though since I started taking Topomax.  Some good, some not so good.  Since it has basically given me my life back, I need to work it out.

But since I have been taking Topomax, and I guess that is the reason, it has been since then, I have been spending a lot of money.  It is not big purchases, they are all small, but they add up.

I think the craziest "small purchases" thing I have done that has added up is my new addiction to beauty boxes.  I have had a subscription to a $10 beauty box for at least a year, but for some reason when I received them in the mail, I would rummage through them, set them down, and that is where they stayed.  But since I have been taking Topomax, I have been into organizing the house (my other personality change), and have found these boxes and using the samples.  I have really enjoyed trying new products and taking better care of myself over all.  That means about a year of samples!  And I got to organize them!!

Great, right?  Except....I got carried away with ordering more subscriptions.  I now have five beauty box subscriptions.  They are not all makeup, I mean, I am not THAT crazy (ha). can I NOT have the one from Sephora?  Then there is one from Ipsy that is only $10.  I am working on my nails and have no good polish, and cannot find any, so there is one for polish - Julep.  I am the most into skin care and moisturizing right now, so the dermatoligist curated beauty box is the most important to me - Beauty Fix.  Those serums and dermatologist recommended moisturizers, full size products, are in the hundreds.

Why the fascination with beauty boxes?  I have always, always hated spending $$$ on good quality makeup, skin care, etc. products and finding I hate them.  But I get a whole box at less than what maybe one full size product costs.  So I had just not been trying anything or using drugstore products with the fear of investing in something and wasting my money.

I do not intend to keep all of these subscriptions.  I simply did not know which was the best, even with all of the reviews.  I am only going month to month, and will cancel after a few months.

Or when Mark figures it out and says something.

The other thing is a positive.  It was not long at all after I started taking Topomax that I had this compulsion to organize the house.  It was hard to walk past something and not want to stop and "fix it".  My house has always been a mess - cluttered, not dirty, all of it mine.  I guess I was lazy, I did not care, but honestly, most of the time I did not even SEE IT, so it did not bother me!

Not so anymore.  It drives me crazy.  The first time the maids came after I started taking Topomax, they were shocked and asked me if we were moving.  Ha!  There was so much clutter missing, as well as boxes on the floor where I was still packing things up that I was not throwing away (coats in the coat closet, etc.)  I have a long way to go.

That has caused problems though.  I am moving things around that has not been moved in maybe years, so it has a ton of dust on it, behind it, under it, etc.  My dust allergy has been going *crazy*!  I need to get a dust mask.

I did tell my psychiatrist about my obsession to organize the house.  She said that is an uncommon side effect of Topomax.  It can slow your mind down and make you see the details of everything.  That does explain it - I did not really see these things before, and now they drive me crazy and I *have* to fix them.

So...that brings me to another thing I have been buying.  Lots and lots and LOTS of storage bins - all sizes.  We did not have any, and I see we simply can not have enough of them.  My obsession is not CLEANING, it is ORGANIZING.  And I LOVE IT.

It is the weirdest thing.  I have never been an organizer, never liked it.  And now?  It would be heaven to spend an entire day being able to work on the house, organizing areas that are a mess.  The house is over 4000 sq ft PLUS the basement, so while yes, I have done what I can while also working from home, there is still a lot to do from just living in the house for 4 years.

I have been putting off making wreaths.  I know, I know.  I think I absolutely hate my job when I HAVE to do it.  Yes, everybody HAS to do their jobs, but I always wanted being creative and making things to be pleasant and enjoyable, and now it just isn't.
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