Closed Shop - Opening A New Chapter

I get so anxious for no reason sometimes.  We did not get into a fight after I wrote that last post, but I completely understand why he was so upset about work, as well as understand why I would be anxious.  I need to work on that about myself and have been - trying to be more in the moment.  Obviously I have a LOT of work to do.

I was so sedated being on 100mg of Topomax that I cut the tablet in half and am now just taking 50mg.  I need to text my psychiatrist and tell her that I have done that.  I have a lot more energy now.

I told the ecommerce site yesterday that I wanted to close my shop.  The orders were overwhelming, but I was so sedated I had gone for a few weeks without sending out a single one.  But I was not making any profit either.  I discussed it with Mark and he agreed with me.  I need to keep my commitment though and finish my orders.  14, ugh.  But then I am free.

They were nice and said to let them know if I ever wanted to reopen my shop and they would.  They had originally written me because, of course, this is the second time I have gotten so behind and they wanted me to catch up and then I would be on 4 weeks probation.  The probationary period would be taking orders but not collecting the funds until after the probationary period was over, although I could use the funds towards shipping, etc.  That was okay, whatever, but thinking about being back in this situation just overwhelmed me.  It still does.

I HATE it, I absolutely hate what I do now.  I love creating things, I love making wreaths, I love making home decor, I love making things beautiful, being creative, all of it.  I just hate schedules, deadlines, and especially working for free or losing money for my hard work, creativity and original designs.  My wreaths sell so fast that I cannot catch up - I never even got a chance to play around and find the right mix to slow it all down.  Raising prices over and over did not slow it down (although I should have kept doing that since I did not make any money, although I am to blame for that). The last time I only put a certain number of wreaths for sale, but then they ALL sold which I did not expect, and that was too many for me to make and I am just DONE to try again on that site.

There is another platform that I have sold on in the past and have done well, and I can use a completely different business model.  I have started the process but need a freaking break!

I think Mark does not want me to do anything - make wreaths any more because it has been so expensive to us.  He keeps saying "you know, you don't have to do anything if you don't want".  Yes, I do.  I need a PURPOSE.  As soon as I told them I wanted to close my shop, I felt panic.  What was my purpose?  What was I doing?  Just sitting in a house?  I had made no plans and I needed one.  Mark was trying to calm me, telling me it was okay, I was at a crossroads, but I was not okay.

I do feel I have a God-given talent.  I just need to figure out exactly how to share it.  My friend that I helped with her business that was not doing well that is now flourishing told me I should go into consulting like I did with her.  I mean....I don't know.  On one hand, I could say something about that, on the other hand, maybe I am not giving myself enough credit.  She frustrated me.  It was all things I researched, albeit days after days after weeks and longer - if she wanted to succeed, why was she lazy about it and not do the same?  However, it fascinated me, one of my most favorite parts of the whole thing.

Guess I had better get to work - ta-ta!

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