It's a Start to Catching Up

There have been so many things to process that I have not wanted to that I have avoided not writing.  As I write, it forces me to really think about what I am writing, to process it in order to put it into words and there have been times when it has been difficult and painful, although incredibly insightful.

On Easter, I found out that my grandma on my dad's side had gone into a sort of coma.  I am not clear exactly on the details although they were explained to me in a second hand way to my two non medical aunts who tried to repeat what they thought they were told and remembered.  It was also told to me delicately, they tried to repeat the name of the medical condition and who knows what they said, but it is all good, I understand enough.

But what was happening was extremely difficult for me.  My grandma was 95 years old, she'd had failing kidneys for years and had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate).  When she could not eat or drink for herself, her wishes were that she not be fed or I guess even be given a liquid drip.  She was given a drip of pain medication that I was told kept her extremely peaceful, or at least looking peaceful.  She was like that from Easter Sunday until Friday and honestly I was a mess.  I could not stop thinking about her not being fed or getting any liquids, basically being starved and dehydrating to death.  No matter what anyone says, how can someone know if she suffered just because she had pain medication?

So many calls on Friday to tell me she had passed away, and it was actually relieving because I was so wrapped up in her suffering.   My phone had run out of charge and had been charging. I checked facebook and had a message, turned on my phone, had a message, and then ugh.  I wish I had had my phone on so I had gotten just one call.  I get overwhelmed so easy.

Like right now, but I am going to finish.  I want to write about my cousin today.

Actually - I will do that really quick.  I will write about my trip to Kansas - the first one in 14 years to my grandma's funeral tomorrow.  It is important I write it down and how I have been feeling about all of it and processing just everything, but I have something confusing on my mind that I am trying to figure out.

My cousin Dan, on my mother's side (my grandma that passed away was on my dad's side, and the nicest person you could ever meet.)  We have been writing each other now and again on Facebook, just about our hobbies and interests.

However, he always made me feel kind of weird.  He started emailing me out of the blue, and I told myself I was being ridiculous, yet...I don't know, maybe I was.  It is so confusing.

I was backing off of writing him as often - taking longer and longer to reply to him.  Today I replied to a message he wrote to me a week ago.  I didn't want to be, I don't know, close to my male cousin, does that make any sense?  It just FELT WEIRD and I do not and can not explain exactly why.  I cannot think of anything that was said that was inappropriate or anything just...for some reason I felt that maybe it was more than cousins to him but then I thought I was being crazy, maybe I was being full of myself for some reason, why in the world would he be thinking that?  He is married and as far as I know he and his wife are absolutely crazy about each other.

Wow, I need to process this more before I write about it.  For some strange reason, instead of writing what he wanted to say, he used some feature in Facebook where he recorded himself talking in short (less than 30 seconds) clips and then sending it to me, which made it weirder.  I want to listen to it and transcribe it onto paper so I can read it.  He sounds so distressed.

He brought up something my mother told me a long, long time ago - in reference to something I said, that my mother never wanted me to do anything with them when his dad would call and ask if I could go with the three of them (him, his sister and his brother).

He said his dad had a lot of problems, and he did not know if I knew, but that (how did he say it?) my mother had been one of his victims.  That is not the words he used, but I am not in the mood to listen to his million little voice messages again.  That was his explanation for why my mother would not have wanted me to go with them.  He conveyed how horrible he felt about it, I heard a lot of shame as he talked about it briefly.  I said (TYPED) that he was a good person and had nothing to do with what his dad did.  My mother had told me about it a long time ago so I wasn't upset with him telling me and not sure, did I thank him?  Maybe - I did appreciate that he confirmed what my mother had told me, although thank God there was no story told.  I could not have dealt with that.

So just that right there is probably one month's worth of information for me to completely process.  But then he started talking about us and how he hasn't told his wife that we talk know, surely he did not mean what I think he was saying.  I cannot even write it until I listen to it again, but the question is, when will that be?  I should just do it now since it is after 6pm and I have the whole day's dosage of klonipin left to take.

I must have freaked out because of the earlier revelation, but seriously there is nothing more I would NOT want to believe.  There are walls and steel doors bolted shut that have cement walls poured over that to ever think of that.

It is that feeling - that awful disgusting yucky feeling that I forgot even existed.

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