bipolar.and.me

Longing

2012-01-31T03:13:00.000-06:00

I haven't run since last Friday. I hurt what I think is my Achilles tendon, it was very painful when I woke up on Saturday morning. I did some research on the internet, and if you start researching runner's injuries, it will scare the hell out of you! Plus, Mark is just getting over a running injury - a shin splint that he is still taking a prescription for and just finished physical therapy, so I decided the best thing to do was listen to my body and rest. What I read for my injury was to let it rest for 7-14 days, so I will run again on Saturday, as long as it's healed. It's funny, when I run regularly, sometimes I think it would be nice to take a break. Now that I'm taking a break, I can't stand it! I want to run so badly and feel like a lazy slob because I'm not!

I've reached some sort of crazy weight plateau. I haven't changed my eating habits (I think I may start tracking it again to be sure), but I'll gain a pound one week, then lose that pound plus a little more the next. This is the first period of time since I changed my eating habits and started exercising that my weight on the scale has gone up instead of consistently down. I only lost 3 pounds in all of January. BUT, that's still a downward trend, and if I think about it yearly, that's 36 pounds lost a year if I lose 3 pounds a month. So slow, but a year will come and go and better to be smaller than the same weight or bigger. I'm hoping to exercise myself out of this plateau, when I start running again of course.

I'm getting faster at my job, which is good because I make hardly any money yet since I'm so slow! The job is so perfect for me though - work when I want, how much I want, if I can even work that day. And it's so interesting! I listen to the audio files I'm transcribing and I'm hanging on the edge of my seat to the interviews..."then what happened?", because they're all law enforcement related. The most interesting is when someone is being interviewed at the scene of the crime, but those are also the hardest, because the "perpetrator" isn't exactly a willing participant, so they can be a little hard to understand. People can say the CRAZIEST (and funniest) things! I haven't had any material that's been disturbing yet though, so I know my day is coming. That won't be so fun.

After school, I've been staying late several days a week to practice, and I can tell I'm improving much faster than I was when I wasn't practicing as much. I'm still a bit far away from passing my 120 tests, but I'm getting better. I never knew court reporting school would take so freaking long and be so hard! I really thought it would take 2 years and be easy, since I am such a good typist. It has nothing to do if you're a good typist for some reason, it's how fast you can catch on to a new language, but I think I could learn a new language like Spanish or French much, much quicker than this. Practicing more keeps my stress level down that I won't be able to finish the program, because I really stress that I won't be able to do it. It's a huge concern of mine, one that keeps me up at night sometimes.

I don't know how long it's been since I've had some major bipolar symptoms that lasted for a considerable amount of time. I know I had a lot of anxiety about my marriage last summer, but I can't say that it wouldn't be normal to have anxiety when you're having marital problems. I would have to say since then, though, because I probably went to the extreme, and that's when my dermatitis started, and I think (the dermatologist didn't say so, she really didn't know, just from research on the internet) my dermatitis was caused by extreme stress, like eczema, which I have. I think I took it way out of proportion, yet...I thought my marriage might be ending. So what amount of stress should a "normal person" have? Quite a bit, I would think.

I still get really confused sometimes about my feelings. I don't know what "normal" is. I'm usually flat-lined. Not too happy, not too sad, not too anything, except maybe a little fired up about something once in awhile, but this is an election year after all! But I have nothing to compare my feelings to - like the anxiety during the summer. My doctor changed my meds, but was that the right thing? Yes, it helped, but my marriage also got better when we went to counseling. However, I was suddenly able to deal with the issues. Was that due to the medication, or was I behaving like a "normal person"? I'll never know.

How would I be without the medication? Would I be okay without it? Would I feel happier? Would I sink back into the deep holes of depression where it's impossible to dig yourself out? That's the only reason I take medication. My depressions are so very scary. I don't like the mood stabilizers, but whatever. My doctor says I'm bipolar, so I'll go with it. The medications do seem to work, I don't understand why simple anti-depressants wouldn't work, but okay, fine, we'll do it his way. I guess that's the problem when you've felt so flat for awhile, not that I don't laugh, have joy, cry at movies, all the normal things people do. Just not as extreme as I used to. Sometimes I long for that.

Let Me Clarify on Appearance....

2012-01-24T21:36:00.000-06:00

So, I'm realizing I may have hit a bit of a nerve in my last post about appearance and that being important to my husband in our relationship, and our marriage counselor agreeing that yes, that men do find that to be very important.

Let me explain a little further, because I didn't mean to offend, but also, I want to be very clear about something I did not understand myself until recently, and it was a hard lesson to learn.

Like many bipolars, I had taken weight gaining medications, and had gained a lot of weight. Over the years, I gained, lost, gained, lost, maybe 35-50 pounds lost or gained at a time. My husband was always very supportive, never commented on my weight, understood it was a side effect of the medications.

Let's be perfectly honest, okay? Living with someone with bipolar disorder has got to be INCREDIBLY difficult. I've now realized he went through years of being afraid to say ANYTHING to me about ANYTHING, or telling me about any need he might have for fear of triggering any kind of emotion I might have. He had basically been walking on eggshells for years and years, and I didn't even know it. I had been living in la-la land, thinking everything was wonderful, I had the most perfect, understanding, kind husband in the world who put up with everything I did. Guess what? He actually didn't. For years, he kept it all inside and didn't say a word.

So for all of these years, he kept all of these things inside until he just couldn't take it anymore, it exploded, and he didn't know if the marriage could continue. There were too many things that had built up over the years. How can someone who has bipolar disorder not understand that a spouse might feel that way? I can honestly say that it would be extremely difficult for me to live with someone with my own disorder, I don't know if I could deal with it.

So he dragged me to marriage counseling, and the counselor, who is very good actually, and is a trainer of other counselors as well as specializes in marriage and bipolar, gave us a "needs" assessment that we both did on our own. It included many things, such as communication, intimacy, affection, sexual satisfaction, appearance of your spouse, quality time, etc. etc. Communication was his most important need, attractiveness of your spouse was his #3.

He was afraid he was being shallow, that we were married and it should be beyond that, but that is just how he felt, and the counselor said that is the way many men feel they are loved - when their spouse takes the time to make themselves attractive for them. Ladies - we cannot just "let ourselves go" and expect our men to love us unconditionally! True, there is so much more to love and marriage than appearance, and there is so much more to our marriage than appearance, and we're working on those as well, and our relationship has NEVER been better.

Someone commented "what if you were disabled". Well guess what? I'm NOT. So there's no reason to "let myself go", but even if I were disabled, why would that be a reason to "let myself go"? Why would I stop trying to be attractive for my husband? I think NOT taking care of yourself shows your husband that you are taking him for granted, which, in hindsight, I think I was, and that was wrong of me.

If that is a way in which he feels loved, like I feel loved when he shows me affection, then that's what I'll do. His #1 need is communication, so that is what I am more focused on than appearance.

But more from our counselor than my husband, I learned how men really think and how they feel when women don't take care of themselves, how hurt it makes them, how unloved they feel. If I had met my husband when I didn't weigh 125 (and I still don't, but I'm working on it), then that would be different. But I don't want my husband to be one of the MANY men she sees because they are unattracted to their wives because they gained weight or let themselves go, they stopped taking care of themselves, and the women are at home thinking their marriage is perfect and their husband is so in love with them.

As far as weight gaining medication for bipolars, sure, I get it. It happened to me, for years. But I made that a Number 1 priority for medications - no weight gainers. I got off any meds that I was taking that were weight gainers (Seroquel and Geoden), and my doctor put me on Latuda, and that's when I started losing weight. Well, and I changed my diet and I exercise a lot - I run 5 miles 4 times a week. And the difference in the way my husband treats me now is astounding. Part of that can be attributed to counseling - he got the chance to air out all of his baggage he'd been holding on for years and we negotiated ways for each of us to change to make the other person feel more loved. An example of that is we're now a lot more "intimate". But also, part of that is because he finds me more attractive. Men are just VISUAL, and that's the truth.

He's still a bit afraid to tell me when he has a "need" or a concern, so we still go to marriage counseling because I think he feels safer talking about it there, where I won't get emotionally unstable. Like I said, living with a bipolar must be rough. I've obviously scarred him somehow, but it's getting better.

Be surprised all day that our marriage counselor didn't tell him "you should accept her no matter how she looks, it's what's inside that counts", but in the end, how would that have helped? That wouldn't have changed how he felt. Just like if she had told me "he's just not an affectionate person", that would not have taken away my need for more affection. But see, the funny thing is, when I met his need, he naturally met my need. When I was more attractive for him, he instinctively wanted to be more affectionate towards me.

Yes, I thought it was VERY shallow in the beginning, and he even said I would think he was shallow. But ladies, seriously, I think it's very rude and disrespectful to let yourself go and expect your man to be okay with it. If you loved him, why wouldn't you want to make yourself attractive for him, and for him to be proud to be seen with you?

I get the weight gaining thing from medication, I totally do, I was there for years. But I didn't exercise, my self esteem went down the drain because of my weight, and I thought, why bother with my appearance? I'm already fat, it doesn't matter. But it does! We can still wear nice, flattering clothes, buy sexy shoes, get manis/pedis, and EXERCISE! Exercise is SO important! Maybe you are on a weight gainer, but you can combat it with a ton of exercise.

It Takes Money!

2012-01-23T20:05:00.000-06:00

So when Mark and I went to marriage counseling last August, one of his complaints was that he didn't think I made an effort to make myself pretty for him. Those are my words, I don't know his exact words.

So now I'm doing all of these girly things, which I LOVE to do but didn't really have a lot of self confidence back then and wasn't doing them because I was overweight. I've now lost over 30 pounds and it's been a huge ego boost. PLUS, I want to make my man happy and adore me once again, so I'm primping as much as possible, which again, doesn't a normal girl love to do anyway? And he DOES adore me once again, he tells me all the time how pretty I am, how skinny I am, but whatever, I still need to lose more weight.

So I had my individual lash mishap last weekend (see last post). My next endeavor involved a red rash I have on my face, and I went to the dermatologist today to get it looked at. I have some sort of dermatitis, and she gave me two prescriptions for it. Well, while I was at the dermatologist, I thought I'd take advantage of it. I bought some anti-aging skin care products, and snagged a prescription for Latisse. Well, of course skin care products at a dermatologist aren't going to be CHEAP, I'd say they were double what they are at the cosmetic counter, just in my experience. Hey - I COULD have gotten Botox while I was there!

So I called Mark on the way home because he wanted to know what my diagnosis was, and as I was telling him I bought some products, he was checking the account balance online and he was like "What did you BUY?"

So see, what the heck does he want? Does he want a wife that primps and takes care of herself, which, by the way, if done properly costs mucho moola, and I'm not even getting to the plastic surgeon yet for lipo and boobs. I'm just trying to give him what he ASKED FOR.

When we went to counseling, we had to list our "needs", 1 - 10, and his #3 "need" was to have an attractive wife. Yes, NUMBER THREE. Think of all the needs you could have from your partner, and that was his #3. So yes, I take this pretty damned seriously. Not that I don't enjoy it. Of COURSE I do. I'm a freaking girly girl!

I'm not mad and think like some girls think "your man should love you for who you are, no matter if you've gained weight, what you look like, etc.". You know what I think? I think that's bullcrap. If you love your man, you'll take care of yourself so he knows you care about him and want to look good for him. Even the marriage counselor said she has a lot of men who come to see her because their wives have gained weight or aren't taking care of themselves and they're no longer attracted to them and they don't know what to do, and she said meanwhile their wives are sitting at home thinking "la-dee-da, everything is going great between us", having no clue that their husband is struggling with not feeling in love with them anymore and being disgusted by their weight. Our marriage counselor handed me hard cold slap in the face because I WAS one of those girls who thought that way, then she dealt me a slice of reality. But what she said was so true. Women marry men hoping they'll change, and men marry women hoping they won't. Sadly, neither happens.

So, back to my story. Mark isn't happy with all of my spending of money on my appearance, yet he wasn't happy when I wasn't spending money on my appearance. I mean WHAT? What the hell does he want? If he wants a trophy wife (which I'll never be, but I can aspire) then that costs MONEY. He can't have cheap and fantastic at the same time. I think I need to go back to where I had my own spending account for clothes and primping items.

You know what? I'm going to bring this up in the next marriage counseling session. He can't have it both ways.

The Painful Price of Beauty

2012-01-21T17:44:00.000-06:00

As I write this, I can barely see my screen, so forgive me for any typos. I'd been wanting to try invidual eyelashes for some time now, and finally scheduled and appointment and got them today from the same lady who waxes my eyebrows. The eyelashes are supposed to last for several weeks, and they look so much more awesome than mascara!

I picked the long, curly ones, and she affixed them with no problem. My eyes did get a little watery, but I thought it was just from her holding each eye open a teeny while she applied the lashes.

When she finished the first eye, I closed it, and WOW! The pain started getting INTENSE! That eye was rolling down tears, I just knew it was gettingn bloodshot and mentioned it to her, but she told me that it is normal for it to burn for about 5-10 minutes. I was thinking, "Really? Women go through pain this intense for this?"

So she finished the second eye, and the pain was practically unbearable. Tears were rolling down my face, but she used a tissue and wiped them away, and told me the pain would subside in about 10 minutes, then she left and said she would be back. I told her the pain was VERY bad, but she said it happened to everyone. I thought, well, okay, maybe women just go through this, women do a lot of painful things for beauty.

So I sat in there for at least 10 minutes, but the pain wasn't going away, it was actually getting worse. I got up and looked in the mirrow, and wow, my eyelashes ROCKED!, but my face, oh my gosh! My eyes were bloodshot, puffy, and it looked like I'd had a long crying spell for hours. She came back and I told her how much pain I was in and she got concerned and had me lay back down and put a fan on my face for maybe 10-15 minutes, I guess thinking the glue needed to dry. I was still thining this was "normal", and after awhile I thought I really didn't know, maybe it was a tiny bit better, and decided to leave.

I got in my car, and that's when I realized I really wasn't okay. I was in very bad pain and could hardly drive home. I got in the house, ran to the medicine drawer and took 2 hydrocodone. I was desperate, anything pain medication in the house I would have taken. Mark freaked out when he saw my face and how unbearable the pain was for me, and we tried to find out if pain from artificial eyelashes was normal, but all I found was that iw as an allergy.

So I wente back to the salon and had the lady remove them, and she felt so bad. THAT was incredibly painful as well. But it still hurt.

So I went straight to an urgent care clinic, and found both my corneas had abrasions, my eyesight in one eye is diminished for now (and it's now both), and I'm on two eyedrop prescriptions, one every 3 hours for 10 days. Hopefully I won't have to see an opthamologist, but that's a possiblity if my eyesight doesn't clear up.

It sucks, because those eyelashes looked KICK ASS on me! I asked the doctor (I probably always ask ridiulous questions), if I could try getting them again later, just at another place instead. She, of course, said no, I should stay away from the process. I have no problems with false eyelashes, so I don't understand why the process of individual eyelashes would cause an allergic reaction. I'm thinking it's the glue, the doctor thought maybe a combination of that and perhaps sanitary conditions,.

As excruciating as the pain was (and it's not gone yet, but better), if I thought I had a chance to get them again and it wouldn't hurt, sure, I'd do it! They're great! My husband would kill me though.

Why must women endure such pain for beauty? My next beauty endeavor? Hair extensions! Don't know when, but eventually. ; )

Regular Visit with Psychiatrist

2012-01-14T07:17:00.000-06:00

I went to the psychiatrist for my normal visit, and he said I was doing really well. He gave me enough refills for 6 months, and of course I'll go back if anything happens between now and then. He asked if I'd lost any more weight since I'd seen him (second visit since I started taking Latuda), and I've lost 31 pounds since I've started Latuda. It seems like it has started coming off more slowly since Christmas, but I could have just reached a plateau. I've ordered a measuring tape to see if I'm losing inches instead of pounds.

I've increased my running. Since school started up this year, I get up at 5:00am three times during the week and run 4 miles. Sometimes it's freaking cold in the morning, even though I live in the South! Yesterday it was 30 degrees outside, but I'd prefer that over 80 degrees and being hot and sweaty. Last Saturday, Mark and I got up and went to IHOP and had breakfast (I had egg substitute and turkey bacon, but it still felt like I was cheating since I was having breakfast out!), then went to a running trail. It was so fun to add something different to the rotation! I have some serious cramps this morning, but I think 'll do it again today (it's Saturday) once Mark wakes up. We don't run together - he runs much too fast for me. Last week, all the runners passed me on the trail, and I passed all the walkers.  A 13-minute mile is pretty slow. I finally got it under 13 minutes on my run yesterday - yay!

School is going pretty well so far, I'm starting to get in the habit of recording more of my classes and setting up a schedule of practicing more regularly. I've set up times with one of my friends from school to practice every day after school, so we can keep each other accountable. I really hope I can stick to it.

I start my new job next week. I finally got my fingerprint card in the mail to them, so now the fun starts! Ha! It's SO nice that I can do the job from home whenever I want, instead of having to be somewhere at a certain time. AND I found out I can do as much or as little as I want, so that's even MORE awesome.  When I think about it, perhaps that's not such a good thing, I don't know how disciplined I actually am. I am very money motivated, however.  Maybe too much so. Knowing Mark, he would let me spend every penny of what I make on myself, which is not good. I should be helping contribute to the family's expenses, which was the whole purpose of my getting a part time job!

No bipolar symptoms to report at this time. I'm sure I've had moments of anxiety, depression, elation, but isn't that normal, to have "moments" of feelings, especially when they're not drastic? I think normal highs and lows that are fleeting are natural, but for me, being self aware is the key. Looking inward sometimes and asking "Am I feeling appopriate for this situation?" when I feel extreme has been very helpful. At least the other day it was when I figured out I was PMS'ing. I was so cranky, and I stepped back and thought "Why does it seem like I'm arguing with everything Mark says? Is it me?", and then I realized, "Oh, it's that time of the month...", and tried to have a more pleasant disposition since I realized it WAS me and not him. When I was in the moment, it seemed so rational, but when I reflected, I saw that it wasn't. It's not easy to do at all!

All I Ever Have To Be

2012-01-04T12:45:00.001-06:00

I just ran 4.05 miles, and cut 2 minutes off my 5k time (3.1 miles) from my race in September. I think that's quite an improvement! Mark is convinced that running speeds up your metabolism. I've searched and searched on the internet, and there seems to be some discrepancy about if that is true, and if it is, how it actually works. But one thing they all agree on is this: runners are very lean in comparison to others who do regular physical activities. I'm actually quite proud of myself, that I'm able to run 4 miles straight without stopping. When I started the Couch to 5k program on my iphone, I I remember thinking "Run for 30 whole minutes, without stopping? I'll NEVER be able to do that!"

Mark and I went to marriage counseling yesterday, and while our marriage is doing well - it's doing fantastic right now, I'm having, well, as the counselor put it, a lot of "self-doubt" about myself. I never considered putting it into words until she did it, but it's true, I am. I know what the paragraph above says, that I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it, but some things just seem out of my reach. The biggest thing? School. It keeps me up at night. I wake up at night and worry about it and can't go back to sleep. It's always on my mind. I brought it up in counseling and started crying. She asked me why I thought I couldn't finish, and she said do you not think you are talented enough to do it? And I agreed, and she reminded me of all the things in the past that I had made it through, that I was a survivor, and it's true. I've been to her on my own, without Mark, so she knows my whole life story. I made it through the terrible times trapped with my step-dad, years of his abuse, with my ex-boyfriend, and God knows what else, so why should school worry me so much? If I can make it through those things, why shouldn't I be able to make it through school? It's just that so few people actually finish, I don't know WHY they don't finish, it's just that such a small percentage actually do, that I don't know why I would be one of them that would. I'm not the most talented, I don't "get it" as easily as everyone, sure, maybe some people, but not all of the people.

It's strange, because since I've opened up to her, all of these encouraging words have come to me, through the strangest people and places. I do believe in God, and it's like He's encouraging me that I CAN do what I set out to accomplish, he's trying to soothe me and comfort my worries. A woman I used to live with sent me an email that said the most perfect things, just out of the blue, she couldn't have known what I was feeling. A person on facebook posted a note that hit home and inspired me. Mark has been incredibly supportive, it's just been coming from everywhere since then. It's a load off of my mind, but don't misunderstand me. It's up to me to do the hard work. I can't just sit back and expect this to happen without doing anything. That's where the worry comes in. What if I do ALL I can do and I'm STILL not successful? What if I try my best and fail? I think fear of failure is eating away at me.

So my friend Bethany reminded me (without knowing what I was thinking or feeling) of the perfect song from when we were teenagers. Back then, we thought Amy Grant had a song for everything we were ever going through. Now I look back and think, you know, Amy might have held all the answers in her hands back then and I didn't even know it!

Here's the song that made me cry because it's so true, it was true when I was a teenager, and it's still true today.

All I Ever Have To Be - Amy Grant

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

Beautiful

2012-01-02T01:40:00.000-06:00

Happy 2012!

This year started out okay for me, but it's only one day! We went to a comedy club for NYE, and and for some reason, I was having a SERIOUS "ugly day". I had felt so good on Christmas Eve when we went out that I even wore the same outfit, but on NYE, I found a million flaws with it, with my hair, my skin, my weight, just everything. I couldn't believe I had made plans for NYE and wanted to just stay home so badly! We've stayed home every year since Mark and I have been together, I think, and I don't know what in the world had gotten in to me lately, making plans to go out, but I've been very social and outgoing lately. I really regretted it yesterday. I was on the verge of tears most of the day.

I had weighed myself the day before, and found that I had GAINED 1.8 pounds. I have no idea how that could be! It's the first time that I've gained anything in a week since I started my "diet" or "lifestyle change" in July. It might be because Mark was home all last week and I didn't have my regular diet, although I thought I had kept to the same calorie count. Perhaps I was wrong, or perhaps my body is just fighting against me. It doesn't matter, I'm still determined to take off those last 30 - well now it's 31.8 pounds!

When I met my friend to practice for school last Tuesday, she said we had to finish school by the time we reached a certain dollar amount in student loans, and then we would no longer we eligible for financial aid. That has freaked me out! I've had a lot of anxiety about that since she'd told me, because I know the rate at which people actually graduate is so small. I never understood why. I can't imagine spending all of this time and money - years! for nothing! I started thinking, which may be a little alarmist of me, that Mark would leave me if that happened. So I have to do all I can, put out my best effort, to make sure that doesn't happen. And if it does, well, at least I gave it my best shot. I have no idea how long I can make myself practice each day, but I hope it's significant.

I did actually get that job. I finished the last test document (after hours upon hours of work), and now there's just one simple thing left to do on my part, and then I start! I have no idea how often I'll be working, how much money I'll be making, but I'm going to ask. I mean, I know how much I'll be paid, but the pay is quite unusual because of the type of work. It's not hourly or salary or anything like that. This will look so awesome on my resume - if I can just be one of the few who finish school!!

So NYE. I felt really ugly and didn't want to leave the house, wanted to crawl into bed and cry, and Mark kept asking what was wrong. He asked if it was "that" time of the month for me, or if gaining weight had affected me (I was upset about it and told him). You know, I really don't know. I think people just have "ugly days". So we get to the comedy club, and they put us in the front row like every comedy club always does for some bizarre reason, so of course I get asked to come on stage. Being that I felt so ugly, I wasn't happy, even though the guy had extended his hand to me and called me a "beautiful young lady." I glared at Mark sitting in his seat while I was on stage, but what could he have done? I should have been a better sport, and I tried to be, but I just didn't feel like being in front of a lot of people and being judged. The alcohol probably helped a little.

I've been running outside since Christmas when I got the runner's GPS watch, and it's been awesome! The cold weather makes it wonderful! I don't get all hot like I do on the treadmill, the cold keeps me from sweating and very comfortable. Yesterday I matched my 5k time from September, and then kept running, when last September, when I ran my first 5k, which was outside for the first time, I thought I was going to DIE. I ran 4 miles in 54 minutes, so I'm slowly getting back up to the distance I was running on the treadmill before I stopped running for my surgery in November. I think I was running about 4.4 miles which took about an hour - I'm a very slow runner! I don't really care how fast I am right now, just that I actually do it.

I was watching a song/video of the decade countdown on VH1 on NYE, and they played "Beautiful" which I've heard a million times, and it made me start crying. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I was feeling SO GOOD about myself, is it really like Mark said? That I'm beating myself up over the small weight gain?

Anyways, here's the song - I so love it, it touched me the first time I heard it, but depending on my mood, I can break down. I really love it!

Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Christmas

2011-12-27T03:05:00.000-06:00

I had a great Christmas! First of all, I was able to go the entire holiday season without seeing Mark's sister! For Christmas Eve, we skipped the traditional family gathering with his parents and had dinner at an upscale restaurant, then spent time at the piano singing songs, with me drinking WAY too much wine! We went to his parents house the next day to exchange gifts with them, and it was just his parents and us, way too cool! No kids running around, just adults! I was thinking wow, this is so peaceful!

But we took our little dog with us, and when I took him outside on his leash, Mark told his Dad where we had gone for Christmas Eve, and his Dad said he had figured that we had wanted to avoid the kids this year, which Mark acknowledged. It's really not so much about the kids frankly, it's having to buy gifts for ungrateful people, which I've already posted way too many times about the topic. Not seeing his sister was just an added bonus, ha! But anyway, his Dad told Mark how important it was for them to have ALL the family together during the holidays, and the only reason they did it every year on Christmas Eve was because that was when his sister always wanted to do it. But since we wanted to do other things on Christmas Eve now, from now on we would all negotiate which day we would get together and she'll just have to understand. When Mark told me on the way home, I thought, "Are you kidding me? So we're not out of this for good?" His sister will be so mad next year, but honestly, nothing will be keeping her from spending Christmas Eve with her parents. It just won't be the whole family get-together at her parent's house on Christmas Eve. And this year we made a stand - we didn't buy any presents for all the kids, so we can not continue that from hereon out. Hopefully. I don't think the kids even care - I don't remember my aunts and uncles buying Christmas presents for me growing up. But again, it's not even about the presents! I would gladly buy them something to make them happy, it's the parents!

Mark gave me the coolest Motorola running watch for Christmas, and I ran outside for the first time ever since I started running last July. It was cold, but I found that I liked running when it's cold - you don't get all sweaty! But I was disappointed in my performance, I only ran 3 miles, but really, after not running for 6-7 weeks, I should be happy that I can run that far without stopping to walk. I had decided to take it easy on my first try, so I definitely can improve my performance pretty quickly. The device has a website to track your runs, just so many statistics about them, I can't believe how cool it is! And you can upload your music to the watch, and then listen to it on bluetooth headphones! It really was an awesome experience. : ) I thought I'd be embarrassed running and having other people looking at me in their cars, but I wasn't. I figured they were thinking "that's what I should be doing - getting off my lazy butt and running...", because that's what I always think when I see someone outside running.

I still don't know if I have the part time job yet. I turned in the final transcript of the last audio file, and she returned it to me saying there were a lot of corrections needed, that the accuracy wasn't good enough and to check the sound on my computer. I decided to put the audio file on my iphone and listen to it, and was really surprised at how much better it sounded! I have spent an *unbelievable* amount of time on this one file to get this job, I mean really, it's unreal how much time I've poured into "possibly" getting a job. If I don't get it, it will still be great experience for transcribing which I can use in my soon-to-be profession, but wow, the audio is so hard to hear. Anyway, I listened to it for the final time and even had Mark listen to it to see if there was anything I had missed, then sent it back. Hopefully (big hopefully) it's good enough for me to get the job! If there are things that I can't hear or understand, and neither could Mark, then I'm just not meant for the job. I don't who would be. Maybe someone with expensive audio forensic software?

I'm out of school for about 2 more weeks. I thought I would be bored, but I've kept so very busy so far. I met with a friend from school to practice at Starbucks, but she ended up talking the whole time - for two hours! and I finally put all my stuff up and told her I was leaving. She said "oh! Okay, let's practice now!", but I was done, sitting there for two hours listening to her talk, while I enjoyed it, I wasn't about to sit there for a few more hours longer. We have planned to meet twice a week at Starbucks to practice, and tomorrow is one of the days. If she starts talking again, I really don't know if I can be rude and tell her I'm there to practice and I need to practice. If she needs or wants someone to talk to, well, we're friends, I don't want to deny her that. But at the same time, the whole reason we're meeting is not to socialize, it's to keep up with our schoolwork while we're on break. Maybe I'll just act not as friendly or something, like I'm very determined to get to work, I don't know.

For once, we have plans for New Year's Eve. I don't know why, but I've been really outgoing lately. I made plans to see a show and have dinner, and celebrate New Year's at a comedy club. Something sort of laid back, not too formal, but I'll still probably dress up. I don't ever remember doing anything with Mark on New Year's Eve, but he was all too happy to do something when I suggested it. It's like I'm always the "party coordinator" with him, and he's glad to show up to whatever I plan. And if I don't play the part, he'll stay at home with me and not do anything, too.

One of the things he wanted for Christmas was an Xbox, so I gave him one, and then we went today to buy him a television for his office because I realized that I didn't want him playing games when I wanted to watch television in the living room or when I wanted to sleep in bed. So now he has his Xbox 360 and a big new television in his office, and I don't know if he'll ever come out!

That's about it, I can't see that I have any bipolar symptoms. I've lost 30 pounds since my doctor switched me to Latuda in July, and to get back to the weight I was when Mark met me 14 years ago, I have 30 more pounds to go. But for now, it sure feels great to be rid of those 30 pounds!

Found Family Members!

2011-12-16T02:30:00.000-06:00

The coolest thing happened to me! I haven't talked to anyone on my mom's side of the family since I was about 16 or so, when I moved out, so maybe 25 years. One of my cousins has been looking for me for several years, and when my Dad died, she found his online obituary matching his last name (my maiden name) with my new married name, she found me on Facebook and voila, I'm now connected to a part of my family that I've missed out on for decades! I have all of these childhood memories of these people, and great to see that they have such good hearts. The strange thing is - not one of them has mentioned my mother - not one of them, not even once. No one has said, "So how is your mother?", or if they do NOT know where she is, "Where is your mother?"  So if she said horrible things about me, they aren't saying. It's more likely that she wrote them off and she wants nothing to do with them, and they know exactly where she is. I don't care, it's just awesome that they were actually looking for me, and now I have all of these family members that I didn't have before!

I got an A in the only class I'm taking at school this quarter! It's only one class, but it's 3 hours a day, Monday - Friday.  I took a smaller course load this quarter because this was my first quarter at the new school and academics had started the week before I began.  Starting in January, I'll have an extra class. I used to have so much leisure time, now I find myself with very little since I started my new job. I'm still in training, but it's almost over, and I have no idea how busy I'll be once I start. I'm thinking the more busy, the better, because that would mean the more money I'd make. And that would mean the better I would feel about contributing to the household, and how much more self-sufficient I would feel, which is very important to me. But I can't work too much, I need my main focus to be on school. That's the whole idea of getting a part time job, and especially one where I can make my own hours.

Mark and I have good days in counseling, and we have had a few bad days in counseling. In our last counseling session, it went well. The session was partially focused on just Mark, with her asking if he'd considered coming in by himself. She keeps saying he's going through an "exostential crisis", but whatever it is, it makes him unhappy with life in general. He's not necessarily depressed, but he's unhappy, how do I explain the difference? Unfulfilled, perhaps?  Maybe he IS depressed, I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist.

It's December the 16th, and we still have no plans for Christmas, none whatsoever. We have hardly talked about it, just about what we do NOT want to do. I'm afraid we'll decide to go to his parent's house at the last minute, and then be scrambling for children's gifts at the last minute. I'll have no idea what to get them at that point. I'm pretty much over the gift giving thing, I don't care anymore, but now Mark is pretty dead set against spending the money. It would make quite a statement to go to his parent's house without gifts for the kids, and that's a statement I'm not prepared to make. It's just...the people with 3 kids have to buy 2 gifts, the people with 2 kids have to buy 3 gifts, and people with no kids have to buy 5 gifts, and we don't buy cheap gifts. The parents give us nothing in return, barely a nod of acknowledgement of the gift we gave their children. It's just EXPECTED of us. Who wants to give a gift like that? Okay, maybe I'm not completely over the gift giving thing, but I don't mind just doing it and getting it over with to get through Christmas in peace.

I'd been feeling really lonely this year around the holidays, like I have no family that's close to me, because, well, I actually don't, so reconnecting with family members has been a wonderful Christmas gift. It's really brightened up my mood!

Sad Day

2011-12-06T20:39:00.000-06:00

I had a very emotional day - I was quite depressed. I'm not sure what triggered it. Perhaps it was seeing a picture of my mother on FB, and noticing (and Mark commenting) we have the same body frame - a small body structure. Not short, just small bones. It reminded me we're connected, and then I went to bed and started dreaming about that side of my family and woke up feeling disoriented. I started wondering all day, with all the shit that went down in my childhood, why am *I* the outcast?

I went to school, and during the last hour of dictation, I started to cry, but managed to keep it in and only my eyes got misty. When class was over, I quickly packed my things up and headed out the door. My friend was talking to me about how she was discouraged over how hard the tests were today, and I didn't have much to say, I wanted out of there, I just felt awful emotionally.

So on my home, soon after I left, she called me on my cell and apologized if she was rude to me or said anything that made me think she was mad, she was just frustrated at the tests. I knew that, and told her everything was okay, I didn't mean to make her think I was upset with her. I was surprised that she reacted so much to what I thought was not a big deal, I just left class in a hurry. I suppose I looked unhappy, and she took it to mean I was unhappy with her. I was stunned that she cared that much about my feelings. People can be so self involved and callous, it's refreshing to meet someone who's not. Maybe I'll surprise her and buy her a Christmas present. : )

So I got home, just so depressed and kind of crying. I HATE feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes, you're just down, and you can't shake it. You feel a certain way, not really knowing why or what to do about it, and I wonder, is this a bipolar thing, or does this happen to "normal people" too?

Mark called and of course he could tell I was upset, so I told him what was really bothering me. I was the outcast, so maybe it really was ME and not THEM. He made me feel so much better. During my childhood, I'm really the only witness who knows and will admit what happened. My brother was too young to remember, my mother's ex-husband refuses to admit he abused me, and only my mother and I know the truth. He said she knows I am probably the only one who sees her for who she really is, and refuse to play by her rules. It's true, I won't coddle her for her affection. But...to have a relationship, it takes two people. Even if I wanted to mend our relationship, I don't think she would be willing. And if she did, it would come with remarks that would be very hurtful, the anger would come back, and when I get angry about my childhood, it comes out big, in emails that I can't take back that say horrible things.

So it's almost Christmas, and I'm worried that I've turned Mark against his family. Well, no, not his family, but his sister. We don't get along, but he is fed up with her on his own too. It certainly doesn't help that I complain about her though. Now Mark doesn't want to go to his family's house on their tradional Christmas Eve gathering. That makes me feel awful. But I brought up something that has really irritated me for years now. In his family everybody (except his parents) buy presents only for the children and not the adults. Well Mark and I don't have kids, so we end up buying all these presents, yet their parents don't give us anything in return. I don't care about them buying us something, it's just...if someone were to buy my kids something year after year, and we buy all these kids VERY nice gifts, I would want to give them something in return. How can they just let people buy their kids gifts and not want to reciprocate? It seems so selfish. And with Mark's sister being so jealous of Mark that it feels like she is just seething and bursting at the seams whenever we are around her to say something to him, I just don't like being around her. It's why I didn't go to his parent's house at Thanksgiving. She doesn't wish him well, not at all, I can tell. But Mark and his sister have different priorities, they've chosen different paths in life. If she had been determined to be successful in business, she could have been, but that's not the road she chose, and that's not who she chose to marry. So we have nicer things, I'm sorry that makes her so upset and she thinks it's unfair, there's nothing I can do about that. Her political views are just so...socialistic.

I keep thinking of things that I want to tell my Dad, and then I remember "Oh, he's gone", and it makes me sad. There were so many things left unsaid, there are so many things I wish I could take back and apologize for, but I'll never get the chance.

Family. People complain so much about theirs. At least they have one to complain about. I certainly don't want to take Mark's away from him.

I Got The Job! : )

2011-12-02T23:36:00.000-06:00

I got the job! A part time job I can do while going to school that is actually in the field that I'm studying which will look awesome on my resume once I graduate. It's in the law enforcement/legal field, so they are doing a criminal background check, no big deal, but I have to get a fingerprint card and send it to them? I've never heard of such a thing. It sounds so interesting! I'm used to ho hum boring finding/getting people jobs, trying to get them to take jobs they don't want, or telling them they didn't get jobs they do want, after they've called every day for two weeks and breaking their hearts. And catering to difficult candidates and difficult hiring managers. Or difficult account managers in an agency setting. And finding candidates with skills that EVERYBODY wants and they know they're in high demand and they have huge egos and attitudes. Can you tell I got really burned out on recruiting? Sure, it's been great getting calls again to be a recruiter, it was awesome feeling wanted after I had looked for a job for about a year when the economy tanked and couldn't find anything, but I loathed thinking about going back into that field. I've missed having my own office, working in the corporate world, but at the same time, it's just too stressful and boring to me. I do NOT miss "corporate speak" - "forward thinking", "move the needle", "drill down", "world class", "actionable", all these stupid terms that no one uses in the real world that people say that really means nothing but makes it seem like people are really saying something. And I "drank the kool-aid" and said the same stupid words in meetings all the time, such a follower. No more! Never again!

So as soon as I complete training, about a week once I start, then I'll begin my new job! What awesome experience to have on my resume once I do graduate and look for a job in my field!

Yay me!

Counseling and Jobs

2011-12-01T02:05:00.000-06:00

Mark and I went to marriage counseling last Monday, and it was an emotional session for me. It's the first time I've seen our counselor, by myself or with him, that I've cried. We were both pretty angry at each other, but it seems that Mark's anger towards me all this time really stems from my not working, that he's the only one carrying the financial burden while I go to school. We do struggle at times, we haven't given up anything, but it's not like it was before when I was a corporate recruiter. So his anger comes out in different ways.

I was just defeated in counseling, I said I couldn't go on like this anymore. After more talking with both of them, we decided what needed to happen is for me to get a job. I left being confused, a part time job, which I had already been looking for, or quit school and get a full time job? I had already looked for part time jobs, applied to many of them, but haven't heard back from anyone yet. So I looked for recruiter job openings and found quite a few this time. Unlike 3 years ago, I started getting calls back. I told Mark about this as I was starting to set up interviews, and he was like what are you doing? How are you going to go to school? I told him I didn't know, recruiters usually work too much to go to night school, so I would have to quit. He said I had worked too hard and spent too much to quit, and to find a part time job instead. Well that is what I wanted all along! I was just looking for a full time job because the counselor was talking about full time jobs, but I guess he never did. It's so weird, I feel like I could get a recruiter's position easier than - say - a part time customer service job! I'm kind of picky about what kind of customer service - I want to be in an office and not retail, etc., but it's not highly skilled work I'm applying for here.

There is a part time job that would be perfect for me. It's as a transcriptionist, and since I write transcriptions all the time in school, I would be able to practice for school while I also get paid. I got a response from the company (which I found out about from school) asking for all this information which I replied to this evening, but I just don't know if I'm experienced enough to get the job. We'll see - fingers crossed!

I went to the ENT today and he cleared me for all normal activity/exercise finally since my surgery, and I haven't run for two weeks. I have no idea how hard it will be for me to gain my endurance back. It seems like I lose weight faster when I'm running a couple of times a week, so it will be good to get back to exercising, even though I HATE it so much. Mark has started running outside instead of on the treadmill, and he is enjoying it so much better, he used to hate it too. I would have to buy new winter running clothes, and really need a GPS running watch so I could track how far I was running and the pace, too. I don't know, it may be getting too cold now to run outside.

My dog got sick, but I think it might have been my fault. For Thanksgiving, I fixed him a tiny Thanksgiving plate, and he gobbled it up. But then a few days later, he started throwing up, and the next night, he was throwing up even more. I took him to the vet, and in their "poison cabinet", I saw a corn cob. I didn't know corn was bad for a dog! He ate corn on Thanksgiving. I didn't tell the vet about it, it slipped my mind when we were talking, but she didn't feel anything on his tummy, gave him an anti-nausea shot and liquids as he had lost 1/2 pound (he only weighs 5 pounds). She suggested doing x-rays and a blood test, but we decided to see if he would pass whatever was upsetting his tummy. That night, in the middle of the night, he started whining like he was in pain for about 30 minutes, and shortly he wanted to go outside, which he hadn't wanted to do for a few days. He came back in, and I guess he passed whatever was bothering him in his stomach because he's been fine ever since. Today I just fed him rice and chicken, like she said. Poor guy was starving, he hasn't been eating! But the doctor said his pulse was only 56 beats per minute, down from 120 on his last visit. She was somewhat concerned, I don't understand why it was so low. She said that with that low of a pulse, she would think he would be passing out, but he isn't, so I'm supposed to be checking it regularly and keeping a log. She's such a nice vet! She's called twice today to check on him, and said she would call tomorrow and see how he's doing as well. Bailey is a very loved little dog. : )

School is hard. Often I wonder if I'll ever make it out of the speed I'm in, especially since I've missed so much school recently and it seems like I'm so much slower than I was before. It's given me pause when thinking should I quit school and go back to being a recruiter? But I know I'll be happier as a Court Reporter. Most recruiters change jobs so often, they just aren't happy and always see grass as being greener somewhere else. Maybe it's because you're always finding people new jobs and you want one too, I don't know.

I can't sleep AT ALL tonight, I don't know why. It's 2:00am and I'm wide awake!

Thanksgiving, What a Nightmare

2011-11-25T18:57:00.000-06:00

I can't say I had the worst Thanksgiving EVER, but I'm unsure when I've had a worse Thanksgiving.

I don't spend any time with people on my side of the family, and it makes me very lonely around the holidays. I wish I had people in my family to love, to miss, who knew me from when I was little, or even when they were little who are blood relatives that I was close to. I just don't, and it makes me very sad. What I've tried to do instead is to make new traditions for the holidays with Mark and myself, such as Thanksgiving. I make a whole meal for us, and I've done this every year for awhile now.

So I bought everything, and then all of a sudden Mark starts informing me he doesn't want a Thanksgiving meal. All of a sudden he HATES turkey. He HATES mashed potatoes. He HATES stuffing. He hates everything and doesn't want it. I didn't understand, we have done this for several years, why was he being so spiteful? Why was he almost angry at the whole thing? He loves deviled eggs and I had forgotten to get the stuff for them, so we went to the store and when I told him why I was there, he said "had I known that I NEVER would have come here". I mean really, what the F? It really, REALLY hurt my feelings. I mean sincerely, I was very hurt.

It may have been passive aggressive, but at this point, I don't even know if I care why. I had surgery a week ago for my sinuses. It wasn't a life or death type thing, it was more of an elective surgery. I have bad sinus infections several times a year and when I went to have my hearing checked because Mark asked me to in counseling, the ENT wanted to do surgery on my sinuses. I was unsure if I wanted to do it or not, and told Mark that, but he said it was up to me. I thought and thought about it, and decided to do it - because the next time I got a bad sinus infection which give me horrible headaches which medication doesn't help, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't have it done.

So the doctor told me it would be about $225 to have it done, paid to his office. I asked if there would be any other charges, like to the surgery center, and they said no. Of course, this is not in writing, only the amount I owe them is. So Mark went with me (remember, he left the decision up to me) to surgery, and when we went to give them my information, she told me we owed them $1700. I told her no one had told me that, that I was told I wouldn't owe anything. She said they tried to call me, but they had called me on my home phone number, which is weird, because they also called my cell the same day to tell me not to eat after midnight, etc., so why would I check my home messages for their call?

So Mark was furious with me. As I was in my gown and an IV was in my arm, I was laying in the hospital bed crying telling him how sorry I was, and he just had this horrible attitude, I could tell how mad he was at me. But I didn't know, I kept telling him that over and over. So here I am, scared to death about going under anesthesia, crying to my husband because he's mad at me, nurses coming and going with me crying, I just felt so little support from him. I needed him to be strong for me, to comfort me, to tell me everything was going to be okay, and he just gave me attitude and anger. And I didn't do anything! I didn't know that was going to happen!

So it seems like that's when his whole Thanksgiving meal fit happened. He can be so meanly passive aggressive, I absolutely HATE that about him. And here's this holiday, very emotional for me, a real depression trigger that I try my best every year to just get through without falling apart, and he's attacking me.

So I get up early-ish Thursday morning to start the turkey, regardless of all his little nasty comments, and he was starting to wake up, and I asked him what he wanted for breakfast because I was going to run out and grab something quickly before I started. He snapped at me before I left, and as I was gone, I just started thinking, you know, this whole situation is BULLSHIT. Here I am, I go to counseling, I come out with all these to-do's, ways for me to change myself in to being the person he wants me to be every time we go, and I try to be this person every day, and this is the shit I have to put up with? I had just HAD IT by the time I got home, gave him his food, and I honestly don't remember everything that was said. HE said he apologized for snapping at me, and I said I wasn't going to his parents with him on Friday for Thanksgiving, and then he said fine, he wasn't going to eat my Thanksgiving dinner.

What the hell? I'm cooking HIM a dinner and he has the audacity to tell me he isn't going to eat it? Really? I'm doing something nice for him and that's what he does? So I just went to bed, I cried, I planned to stay there the rest of the day, not to punish him, just because the day was ruined and I didn't want to do anything with anybody, see anybody, go anywhere, do anything, I just wanted to be left alone. Only he couldn't leave me alone. He kept coming in and out, yelling at me. At one point he told me I had to get out, and I had ONE DAY. Yes, he really said that. I'm still so hurt by that, I can't even tell you.

Finally we made up, he got all nice, he convinced me to make a Thanksgiving meal, and then all through dinner he kept commenting how good everything was. But I felt it wasn't sincere, and told him so. He had already said he hated everything, why should I believe that all of a sudden he thought it was all so good? It just seemed so fake. I'm sure I sat there with a pity party look on my face, I really didn't mean to sulk, and I wasn't, I was just very unhappy with the whole situation. I didn't care how I was cooking the turkey, I didn't care how the mashed potatoes turned out, I didn't care about any of it. I did it just to do it and get it over with. Usually I find it a lot of fun, but not this time.

I couldn't sleep that night, so I got up and applied for about 10 part time jobs.  Come to find out, part time jobs pay CRAP. And I mean CRAP. But great, I saw lots of awesome Recruiting jobs are available now, not that I haven't done that in three years.  Where were they all three years ago when I needed a job? They'd never hire me now after being out of the business for so long.

There is one job I saw at school that would be perfect for me. Writing transcripts and getting paid for it. I could practice my steno (like I should be doing anyway) and get paid for it. I'm still waiting to talk to the school job placement counselor on that one, though. She might have more info about it before I send my resume to them.

Mark made an interesting statement when we were fighting. He was talking about something and said "now that we're being ourselves...", and I said "Really? Because I thought we were becoming the person the other person wanted us to be." Strange how our perceptions are so different on what we're getting out of counseling.

I'm realizing how bitter I'm becoming. I'm tired of not doing anything and him getting mad at me. I honestly think he's mad over money, and everything else I do is getting on his nerves because of it. What else can I do besides get a part time job? I think he feels taken advantage of because he's the only provider, but he's always the freaking martyr.  Work doesn't appreciate him, I don't appreciate him, and the list goes on. He works so hard for everyone and no one gives him what he deserves. He has a sense of entitlement, he doesn't do things because he WANTS to do them, he does them thinking he'll get something OUT of whatever he does. He's just that kind of person. Everything has an ulterior motive. Think Ayn Rand. Selfishness. I'm not bashing Ayn Rand, but giving for giving's sake was never her strong suit. It's always about "what's in it for me". That's him. He's always got to know what's in it for him, and if there's nothing, what's the point?

Yes, he's often very kind to me, but I always wonder, how long will this last until he gets bitter about being mad because I haven't done what he's expecting me to do from his being nice. He hasn't achieved the results he was expecting by his actions, when the truth is, I never knew results were expected, I just expect people to be nice to each other because that's the right thing to do. I'm nice to him and do nice things for him because I love him and I'm a nice person, not expecting anything out of it. But if I tell him, after he says I don't do anything for him, of the things I've done for him, he declares them all invalid because they aren't important to him and mean nothing to him. The fact that I tried is insignificant, trivial.

By the way, I did NOT go to his parent's house with him today. He went alone to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. I didn't not want to see his sister, who is even more passive aggressively hateful than he is. I unfriended her on Facebook early in the year over a stupid argument, and I just don't want to face her. I'm sure she knows why I didn't come, that it's because of her, and good, so she'll know how much disdain I have for her, that I don't even want to be in her presence. She annoys me, her kids annoy me, and it just makes me wish I had my own family to spend the holidays with.

We have a counseling appointment on Monday, I don't know if I can handle Mark rattling off more changes I need to make to make him happy. I think I'll probably break down in the counselor's office.

Allergy and Possible Job?

2011-11-20T03:35:00.000-06:00

Somehow I've developed a hydrocodone allergy from the time I took it last year to this year. I obsessively itch and have a rash, especially on my face, which is rather odd. I don't know why my body chemistry would have changed from then until now, but it has. I'm still taking it after my sinus surgery when I need it because it's better than not taking it, it still has a pain relief effect. I would call my ENT doctor and ask for something else, but it's the weekend, and I don't need it all the time. It's just so strange. It's impossible to go to sleep when all you do is lie there itching. I foolishly took an allergy pill for the itching and then realized, oh...this will dry up my sinuses! This has turned into a semi-nightmare, but it could have been so much worse.

I think I've found a job I want while I'm in school. They always have posters and postings at school for part time jobs, but one caught my eye finally. It's writing transcripts from home. It would be perfect! I could practice on my steno machine for school, and get paid to do it! What better motivation would there be to practice than to not only get through school faster, but get paid for it?? I read all of the qualifications, and I have all of them, I just need help updating my resume with my school time gap. I know how to write a good resume from being a recruiter, but I've never had to write one for anyone who was looking for work while attending school, and without current job experience. The last time I worked was in November, 2008. We should have a job placement recruiter at school who can help me with my resume, but since I've only been at this new school about 6 weeks, I don't know anything about it yet. This company obviously wants court reporting students to fill their positions, or they wouldn't be advertising at our school! It doesn't really matter how much it pays, just the fact that I'm getting paid to practice would be awesome! Not only to practice on the steno machine, but my editing skills, etc. I've taken Court Reporting English which teaches you how to punctuate for transcripts, so really, I think I'm the perfect candidate. But then again, I guess we all are at school. The question is - how many people will notice the poster and want the job(s)? The posting said I would have to complete 2-3 transcripts to be considered for hire, if, of course, they like my resume and they're still hiring, so we'll see how it goes.

That would be awesome to get a job - to feel like I'm contributing again. It's an AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL feeling for me to be so dependent on someone financially. I really hate it. I've been able to take care of myself financially since I was 18, so these last few years have been particularly hard. I know we're married and everything, and it's not that I want a back up plan in case we break up, I would just feel more comfortable if I were contributing financially and I wouldn't feel like I was spending someone else's money all the time, that it was my money, too. And, even more so, we could use the extra money. We were a two income family before I lost my job. My husband can pay the bills very well, but I was doing pretty well myself, so it was quite a drastic loss when my salary went away. We didn't cut back on anything, but there's not much wiggle room. For my surgery, our portion was $1700, plus the doctor's fees, plus whatever the anesthesiologist will charge when we get his bill, and it's just all of those unexpected expenses that really add up. It seems like there's something like that every single month. If I still had my old job, it wouldn't have even been a bump in the road. Oh well, eventually I'll graduate and all will be back to normal hopefully! If I get that job and start practicing like crazy because I'm so money motivated, I'll graduate much sooner rather than later! : )

Surgery and Bipolar Venting

2011-11-19T01:53:00.000-06:00

My sinus surgery was this afternoon (well, technically yesterday afternoon,), and it went well except for waking up in a lot of pain. I didn't think it would ever go away. The nurse called the anesthesiologist to see what more she could give me for pain, but it didn't help. They finally called Mark to the recovery room, and he convinced me to eat something so I could take pain pills. That eventually helped. I've been fine ever since, but have been taking hydrocodone as soon as it's time to take the next dosage. Even though I'm not in pain, I don't want to start. When I was being released, the only wheelchair available at the time was a bariatric wheelchair. Oh my gosh! I slid over to one side of it, and both Mark and I could have easily fit together in it. The nurse wheeled me up to the double sliding doors, and it fit just perfectly to go between both doors. The nurse said there are people who have to squeeze to get into the wheelchair! Suddenly I didn't feel so bad about my weight - ha! When we were waiting for Mark, she was telling me that some adult patients wake up in recovery, talking in a childlike voice, saying "I want my Mommy/Daddy." I mean, I know you're out of it, but come on, let's not be freaky. I woke up saying "Oh my God, I'm in so much pain!", at least that's the first thing I remember. Who knows the real first thing I said. I'm pretty certain it wasn't "I want my Mommy/Daddy."

I won't know if the surgery was successful until I've gone for a period of time without a sinus infection, which can be very, very often.! When I get up tomorrow morning, I'm not taking any more hydrocodone unless I start feeling pain again. I know this is very boring entry, just recording it for future reference.

I use my blog a lot to remember what happened to me and when. I don't have a good memory, and I don't know why that is, if it's all the psychiatric drugs I've taken over the years or what the issue is. I haven't discussed this with my psychiatrist because really, what can he do? He can't bring my memories back or make my memory any better. I always tell Mark that HE is my memory. He tells me things all the time that happened to us that I simply can not recall. It's a freakish feeling, and it makes me sad knowing there are all of these things that happened to me that I've forgotten. Or I guess, perhaps, Mark has a freakishly good memory, and it makes me seem forgetful, not not short term, but long term.

I can stress ENOUGH how much I hate telling nurses and doctors that I have bipolar disorder. I would say "anybody", but I don't tell "anybody", just when it's required for me to tell someone. No one knows except for Mark and people in the medical field that have to know for whatever reason. Sometimes they will ask what medications I'm taking before I'm forced to tell them I'm bipolar, and they jump to the conclusion that I'm epileptic. I don't want to be epileptic, but it doesn't have the stigma that being biplar does.

I watched Shutter Island a few days ago, and it was really on my mind for awhile. It's like I don't want to believe he was a psychiatric patient, he really was a Marshall. And it reinforced what I've always known - if I were to witness a crime or have to testify about anything that happened in court, it would come up that I am bipolar - mentally ill - and my testimoy would lose credibility. I don't know if this is true in all states, but I know in some states, if you've ever been involutarily commited to a psychiatric institution, you're not allowed to purchase a firearm. Yes, I've been in a psychiatric institution, but I checked myself in. Are people not allowed to have a moment of weakness, a time when your illness overtakes you, and then you get better? I find it to be highly discriminatory. Just because you were in some place like that ONCE doesn't mean you'll be that way forever. Or that it will happen again. What about other issues? Being convicted for domestic abuse? Assault? Why are they able to purchase firearms? They've proven to society that they are violent. Someone commited to a psychiatric unit doesn't mean they have. Sure, they might have, but that's assuming. People who have committed violent misdemeanors have already proven that they're violent. "But that's not fair" they would say. And this is? Why is society so discriminatory against people who are mentally ill? Maybe because those that are highly functional do not tell people about their disease, so the only ones you hear about on the news, etc., are the ones who lost it, who "went off their meds" as they like to say. Can't people just simply be psychopaths or sociopaths without it being blamed on that? There really are bad people in the world.

Guess I'll go back to bed and try to fall asleep again. Mark had stopped snoring for a few weeks, but now it's back. As far as I know, when nothing else works, the surgery snorers get is the one I just had. I really wouldn't wish it on him. I can suffer through snoring. I *am* going to record it one day though, just so he can see how bad it really is. For example, I'm downstairs right now, and he's upstairs with the bedroom door shut, and I can faintly hear him snoring. And I have hearing loss!

Approaching Holidays

2011-11-17T02:07:00.000-06:00

Oh, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving. I love the holiday, but hate meeting up with the people. This year, like every year, we're going to Mark's parents the day after Thanksgiving. I like his family "okay" except for his sister. His sister is making me question if I'm actually going to go. We got into a pretty big fight this year which led me to "unfriending" her on Facebook, and she got very upset about that. I never did anything about it, and now it's Thanksgiving, and here we are. The only person I've really talked to about it is my hairstylist (don't we tend to tell our hairstylist everything?), and he suggested sending her a message so it wouldn't be so awkward. I told Mark and he wasn't so sure, he's not a big fan of his sister's either. The thing is, I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything wrong, so I don't want to apologize, and I wouldn't have to. I could just say, let's put this behind us or something, right? I unfriended her, I kind of feel it's my place to mend the relationship. Only...if we didn't have to see each other, I wouldn't want to. In real life, I would NEVER be friends with her; actually, I'm not friends with her in family life either. But then again, how many people are friends with their family anyway? I know some are, but those are the lucky minority.

It is so freaking embarrassing to go the the doctor and fill out all the new patient forms, list all of your medications (all 500 of them), and list that you're "bipolar". Then I always feel that nurses and doctors look at me weird at first, like they're trying to figure out if I'm going to freak out on them or not. It could be all in my head, I don't know. I went to the second ear doctor and he questioned me about my illness, asking if I was stable. I should have acted like a lunatic and said "What do you mean, stable?". Of course I'm stable! And if I weren't, what would an ENT doctor do about that exactly? I was there for my hearing, it's not like he was going to prescribe me medication, I don't understand why that question was relevant, except to make him look important, that he knew I could be "stable or unstable". I mean really, what could he have done with that information?

I have sinus surgery on Friday, that's what I got out of going to get my hearing checked, besides finding out I have mild to moderate hearing loss. It's not life or death surgery, more a comfort of living thing. I went back and forth about whether to do this or not, but in the end, I knew that next time I got a sinus infection and a bad headache, which is all the time, I would kick myself for not having it done, so I decided to move forward. My surgery is scheduled for 12:30 in the freaking afternoon, so I have to be there at 11:00. That means I can't eat or drink all morning before I go to the surgery center. I was hoping for an earlier time. I can eat and drink up until 3:00am, so Mark and I plan to stay up that late on Thursday/Friday and go to IHOP or somewhere and have breakfast. It was his idea. He's so regimented about his sleep, I was really surprised when he suggested it. Sounds fun, though. : )

We're still going to counseling, our marriage has its up and downs. Mostly ups, but sometimes intense downs. We're still trying to figure each other out, after 14 years! We go to counseling once a month now, our next appointment is after Thanksgiving. It's like going to your teacher and getting your report card - how did you do last month? Did you follow what we decided to do last time? It's hard work, I don't look forward to going to her and saying "No, I didn't", and hearing how I'm not showing Mark love in the way he needs it. So I do what we decide in counseling and have avoided it, not sure if I've done all we talked about this time. Seems last time I was the only one to walk away with "to-do's". She tried to get me to name something about Mark I would like changed, and he looked at me with a face that dared me to think of something, but at that moment I really couldn't think of anything. He's tried to change in every way that I've asked him to, I had nothing to say. But for me? He said there were already so many things that I was working on, he thought it was unfair to give me more. That made me mad. So he wants to keep changing me into something I'm not? Supposedly there are a lot of things that he has kept bottled up for years and years, especially with me being sick, and she's trying to get him to tell me what they are, but seriously? Yes, I want him (us) to be happy, so I keep going to counseling and keep doing what we decide to do. I HATE marriage counseling though. Don't get me wrong, our marriage has greatly improved from it, but I hate going.

I guess I'm progressing in school. Seems like I am. I need to put more work into it. Don't know when I'll pass 120 and be in 140. Hopefully next quarter, I really hope so!

Christmas is coming up too, yuck. That means time to buy presents for Mark's ungrateful nieces and nephew. I don't know why they have that rule in his family that we only buy presents for the kids, so that means Mark and I buy presents and receive none. I guess because the parents of the kids (his sister, mainly), can't afford to by everyone presents, just their kids. So that leaves them with only 3 kids to buy presents for that don't belong to them. I'm not saying I want a bunch of junk from people that hardly know me, but it's the thought that counts, you know? And there's no thought about us. Mark and I, we are just expected to give, give, give, without a thought from his brothers and sister about how we might feel about it - that we're giving presents to their kids without them so much as sending us a thank you card. That just seems so selfish to me, but maybe I am the one that seems selfish, I don't know.

Worst Ever Doctor Visit (for me)

2011-11-02T19:19:00.000-06:00

My appointment at the ENT went so much worse than I ever could have imagined.

The ENT cleaned my ears out, and commented that the wax in them couldn't have been causing me much hearing loss, and sent me to the audiologist. I then went through an extensive hearing test, but the weird thing was, my ears were ringing so loudly that I could hardly hear the sounds above the ringing. The audiologist said several times "raise your hand even if you just THINK you hear a tone", and I kept saying okay, okay, like I didn't hear him the first or second time he said that? and I knew he must have been sending me tones through the earphones because there were long pauses when I didn't hear anything.

So finally the test was over, and I told him it was hard to hear anything over the loud ringing in my ears. He asked if my ears rang very often, and I don't really know, it's never that silent around me as it was in that booth.

So he showed me the test, and said I have mild to moderate hearing loss, permanent loss in both ears. I didn't have much to say, what do you say to that? But then he started talking about hearing aids, and I was just SHOCKED. I said "hearing aids, WHAT?" And he said "but you told me you couldn't hear..." and I said "but we're having a conversation right now?" I just couldn't imagine wearing hearing aids! I mean, hearing aids?? Seriously? So he said "your insurance covers them", but no, that wasn't the problem - the cost! That never entered my mind for a second! It was me - actually wearing hearing aids! I guess my reaction was less than pleasant, I'm sure he's had patients that cried because they wanted hearing aids and couldn't afford them, I don't know, but he told me to think about it, and if I wanted to make an appointment with him to come back with someone (why do I need to bring someone?), and gave me his card.

So the ENT. He examined my sinuses, and I had told him I get about 6 sinus infections a year, even after having sinus surgery about 10 years ago, and after his examination decided I have turbinate hypertrophy and chronic sinusitis, and wants to schedule me for surgery. I was like WHAT? And then everything happened so fast - scheduling for the CAT scan, the surgery, everything. I was just in shock, I didn't have time to process everything - I just went from one room to the other nodding and being polite, answering questions, signing forms, being handed packets of information.

I guess if I'm cured of sinus infections, that would be great. Yay. Kind of hard to be excited right now. I have permanent hearing loss. Explains so much, why I can't hear so many things that other people can.

You know how it makes me feel? Old. Losing my hearing, hearing aids, the whole thing. He doesn't know how it happened, he doesn't know if it will get worse, just to make sure to come in yearly to get my hearing checked from now on.

I wish I had my Dad to talk to right now. He was legally blind, so maybe he could understand how I feel - losing your hearing versus losing your sight. But it's not like I lost it overnight, so I don't know what I'm missing, does that make sense? I don't know if hearing aids would help me, but Mark said "of course they would". Would they? I would only know by trying them, but if I don't try them, then I don't know what I don't know.

I don't want to rely on little devices on my ears to hear. I just got Lasik a few years ago and got rid of my glasses, this seems SO much worse.

Hearing - huh? what?

2011-11-01T22:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday in marriage counseling, Mark complained about my hearing. Yes, I know he's complained about it for years - how he has to repeat things, how I ask him what people said in movies, on tv, etc. Last year, a teacher singled me out in front of the class and told me to get my hearing checked out, that she thought I had some hearing loss. But I've ignored all of this because I can hear, and what would I even tell a doctor?

So now, because we went to counseling, it's become an "actionable item", and I've made an appointment with an ENT for tomorrow. On one hand, I think I just have a lot of built up earwax that needs to be cleaned out, that's happened for me since I was a little girl. But on the other hand, for years? If I do have some hearing loss, I can't imagine what would have caused it. I'm so NOT looking forward to going to the doctor tomorrow. I feel ridiculous - going to an ENT just to find out I have excessive earwax. And they had to make sure they scheduled my appointment when an Audiologist would be available. I mean really? I'm not deaf, I don't need hearing aids. I just can't hear when people whisper, and I say "what? huh? excuse me?" a lot, and I find myself watching people's lips when they are talking quietly. Built up earwax could totally do that I think, but I hate the process of cleaning out my ears at the doctor, it is SO unpleasant. I hated it when I was younger, I can't imagine liking it now. I hope that's all it is, I really can't imagine anything else.

I stayed home from school today, not feeling 100%. I have a sinus headache or something, but since I'm seeing an ENT tomorrow, it's very convenient for me to bring it up

Everyone always asks "who's your primary doctor?" when I call to make an appointment with a doctor. I don't have one. I always go straight to the specialist. I suppose that's not good, all of these doctors have different snapshots of what's wrong with me, no one has a full picture. My psychiatrist, my counselor, my old ENT, my OB/GYN, my podiatrist, my dentist, my psychatrist, my dermatologist, my eye doctor - none of them has a record of all my ailments altogether. But why go to a general practioner who will just fumble around trying to figure out what's wrong with you when you can go straight to the source and save time, as long as you know what's wrong with you, of course.

Hopefully by this time tomorrow, my ears will be cleaned out, and I'll be hearing what I've been missing!

My Life Seems Quite Boring (Not A Bad Thing)

2011-10-25T01:55:00.000-06:00

I've been doing pretty well lately after so much stress over the summer. I've lost 22 pounds, and am running almost 15 miles a week. It's taken me about 3 months to build up to running that far (I run 3 times a week), and to be honest, I absolutely HATE running. I think it may be because I run on a treadmill and not outside, but everything is carefully measured on the treadmill, my speed, calories burned, etc., and while I know I could get that with a GPS watch, it doesn't force me to run at that speed. Besides, it's been too hot to run outside until recently, and soon it will be too cold. When my run is finished, I feel so accomplished, but during the run, I'm hating every second of it. But I do feel good about myself and proud that I conquered running, something I never thought I'd be able to do!

After a couple of months of marriage counseling, my relationship with Mark has never been better. He does so many nice things for me because now he feels "loved", I show him I love him in the way he needs it, and vice versa. We still go to counseling, but we just go once a month now. We have no idea what we're going to talk about at our next appointment, but we're still going to go. Last time she just talked to us individually about what was going on in our lives because there were no issues with us as a couple. But we still want to see her, she's helped us so much. Why would we want to stop? I don't want things to get back to where they were.

I'm much more positive about school since I transferred to the new school. Maybe I just needed a change of scenery, or maybe this place is more inspiring. There doesn't seem to be the negativity and drama that there was at the last school. People are friendly and smile or say hello in the hallways, which for me makes a big difference for some reason. The animosity at the last school between the students was terrible. I can tell that yes, it is possible for me to pass this next speed, where last quarter I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to, but that could just be from more practice over time. However, I attribute it to a different way of teaching. There's a girl in my class who had been at my last school in my speed for 9 months, hadn't passed a single test, and in 7 weeks at the new school, has started passing tests. I think that speaks for itself.

I have jury duty tomorrow, but I don't actually have to serve since I'm attending school full time. But I'm such an idiot! I didn't read the form when I got it, I just saw I had jury duty, on what day and what time. I was showing it to my teacher at school to tell him I wouldn't be at school tomorrow, and my friend said she had just gotten a letter for jury duty, and there was a place on the form that came with it that you could check and send back so you wouldn't have to report in. I took it out of my purse and looked at the form, and sure enough, there was a questionnaire that I was supposed to complete and mail in before tomorrow! I thought about filling out the form and mailing it in, but it would get there after I was supposed to report for jury duty, and by then, a bench warrant could be issued, so I decided I'd better go ahead and go. I've always wanted to be on a jury, but now I'll never be on one. I'll either be a student, or when I graduate, a court reporter, who can't serve on a jury. I thought about not telling them I'm in school and seeing if they picked me for a jury, but then I'd be in trouble if they did and it was a week long or more trial.

I went clothes shopping because I have no clothes that fit me for fall/winter, and it was AWESOME buying smaller sized clothing than I've worn for the past few years since I've gained weight. I wanted to buy everything I tried on! I think I just might have! I still have more weight to lose, and it always seems like the less weight I have to lose the slower the weight comes off, but now that I'm running, we'll see if that's still true.

My tongue is still doing that weird thing since I started taking Latuda instead of Geoden, and the Amantadine hasn't seemed to help it, although the only way to know for sure is to stop taking it. All I know is that it definitely works as a mild appetite suppressant. So now I'm in a dilemma - I want to keep it as an appetite suppressant, so when I see my doctor, do I tell him it's working for the Latuda side effect when I'm not sure it does, knowing he might not refill my Amantadine, or do I tell him it does so he will?

My four year anniversary is Wednesday, and Mark wanted to go away somewhere like we did last year, but I didn't want to travel anywhere. I bought two anniversary presents for him, and I thought he was going to let me pick out a purse as my gift, but then he informed me today that he bought my present. I have NO idea what that might be, and am a little scared. I didn't tell him anything that I wanted. Oh well, whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it, at least the thought. : )

See, my life is boring these days! But boring is good, I'm not complaining about boring!

And GO TEXAS RANGERS! One more game and we'll win the World Series!

Amantadine for Weight Loss?

2011-10-05T02:21:00.000-06:00

I started taking Amantadine last week, and it has the strangest side effect that I wasn't expecting. It's acting like an appetite suppressant. I thought it was strange, so I researched it on the internet, and sure enough, it's been reported to do that for people on weight gaining anti-psychotics. I take an anti-psychotic, but I don't think I take a weight gainer any longer, or at least I wasn't gaining any weight on Latuda. I've actually lost 17 pounds since I started taking Latuda (with diet and exercise). The movement of my tongue doesn't seem to be much better or maybe it is, I can't really tell. I don't know what to tell my doctor now when I see him (in 4 months) - if it's working for my tongue or not, because I want to keep taking Amantadine for its appetite side effect.

Mark and I went to counseling yesterday, and we really didn't have anything to talk about, so she just talked to us individually about what was going on in our lives. She called us her "poster children", that we walked the walk, and said we could go longer to see her next time. I feel like everything has been put out in the open and thoroughly discussed, and we've each been open to changing for the other one.

I've been to my new school for 2 days now, and the jury is out about what I think about it. People are definitely nicer there, I guess I'm just out of my comfort zone. I don't feel like I'll EVER progress past 120, but maybe I always feel that way in every speed. I definitely remember asking teachers in previous speeds "Do you really think I can do this?" trying to get encouragement from anywhere I could. I see people in my speed for a year, I don't want to be one of those people! I don't think I even have enough financial aid to be one of those people!

I haven't really had any bipolar symptoms in awhile, or maybe I have and I just don't remember them because it hasn't been recent enough. I didn't handle Mark's comments about our marriage or me very well, so I don't know if that's a bipolar symptom or just that I'm a sensitive person. I don't think any woman would feel good about their husband telling them they thought they were overweight and needed to lose weight. But, now I'm grateful that he did, because our counselor said she has many men who come in and feel that way about their wives and can't get the courage to tell them, but tell her they just don't find them attractive any more and they don't know what to do, while the wives are just going along thinking everything is fine. Now Mark compliments my appearance, he's definitely good about giving positive feedback, maybe it's just to encourage me to keep running and dieting, but who cares, doesn't everyone like compliments?

Just An Update

2011-09-30T01:49:00.000-06:00

I went to the psychiatrist on Wednesday, and the first thing out of his mouth was "so, we were going to try Latuda, how did it go?". I still think I am one of his first, if not his very first, patients to try Latuda, but who knows. I told him it went very well and I liked it. He asked if I was less hungry which was one of the reasons we switched from Geoden to Latuda, and I told him I had lost 15 pounds since I last saw him, in July. Don't think it just melted off, though. Those 15 pounds were pure blood, sweat and tears! I worked hard for every single ounce of those 15 pounds! But had I stayed on Geodon, could I had done it? No, I don't think so.

So all was well on the medication front, except I told him about this weird side effect Latuda had on me. I was preoccupied with my tongue and swishing it around in my mouth. I did it all the time without realizing it, and suddenly I would become aware of it. I had asked Mark if he could see me doing it, but he said he couldn't tell.  I didn't want to stop taking Latuda because of it, so my doctor gave me a medication for it - Amantadine. When I went to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist was very puzzled why I needed it.   I did some research on it when I got home, it looks like it was once used to treat the flu, but was discontinued, once used for Parkinson's, but not a great medication for that now either. Doesn't matter, my tongue is moving less now. Not completely gone, but less, which I'm grateful.

After being so anxious about school and all their negativity by trying to scare you that they're going to kick you out of school at any time if you don't pass a speed, I transferred schools. I start at a new school on Monday. It's not that I don't like goals, but they couldn't even give me a date when I needed to pass the current speed I'm in. On the first day of the quarter (on Monday), the teacher said "take a look around and you'll see some people missing. Some are gone not because they don't want to be here, but because they weren't allowed to come." Really, that's motivation?? I realize she was telling us to practice more at home, but I can't deal with the pressure I put on myself to begin with, and the pressure always hanging over my head that they are going to kick me out soon. The school I will be going to doesn't have a timeframe when you have to pass tests, but of course, eventually your financial aid will run out. I'm better off at the new school in that regard, but because of that, it didn't completely take away the anxiety.

Mark and I seem to be getting along okay most of the time. We have our moments, but for the most part, I think we each feel the other is showing they love each of us in the way we can recognize as love, if that makes sense. We have our moments where we argue, where one of us will get frustrated and it seems like it's not working, and then eventually it will even out. I just have to take a deep breath when that happens, it always seems so hard during those times. But eventually it passes, eventually.

I'm still training for a 10k, but truthfully, at the end of the program, I'll just be able to run for 60 minutes straight, and that won't be 10k. I'll be lucky if it's 5 miles, not 6.2. But the reason I started running in the first place was to burn calories, and I'm achieving that.  When I started running, I would burn 180 calories per workout, and it was a real workout! Now I burn almost 550 per workout, so I've come a long way. My goal is to burn around 700 calories per workout. I don't know if I'll achieve that without some speed building, but we'll see. Once I finish this program, I don't think I'll train for distance next. I think I'll just continue to run for 60 minutes at a time for awhile and increase my speed little by little. But FIRST - got to reach that 60 minutes!

Which reminds me, today is a run AND a weigh day. So a bad and a good day. I actually don't like to run. I don't know if that's because my runs are so challenging and I've never given myself a break since I started running in July, or I just don't like it.  But I think few people actually LOVE to exercise, maybe eventually I'll learn to love it. I know I love the feeling at the end of my run!

I think I started my "monthly visitor" this morning, so my weigh in may not be so great this morning. I'm not weighing myself until around 7:00am, the same time I weight myself every Friday. Believe it or not, it makes a difference.

I DID IT!

2011-09-10T12:59:00.000-06:00

I just got home from running my first 5k, and I did it! I ran the whole way, didn't walk, and not only that, but I placed second in my age group! (40-44). The first place in my age group was only 0.02 minutes ahead of me, so that means it was the girl right in front of me who I considered giving it it a burst of energy and passing her at the end, but never dreamed it would make a difference.

My time actually wasn't that great - 43:04, but I guess good enough for my age group and the few hundred people that were there. After only training for two months, I'm actually VERY proud of myself that I set a goal and accomplished it!

The only setback was that I thought I would need an extra "push" and drank a 5 hour energy drink and 3 cups of coffee with not much to eat before the race. When we got there, I guess caffeine can be a type of laxative because I had to keep using the bathroom. I have mostly stopped using caffeine, so that was an immense amount of caffeine for me.

Mark did incredibly well - he ran the 10k and placed 7th overall and 2nd in his age group. I think his pace was something that seems so insanely fast to me, like 7.5 minutes per mile. So he got a 2nd place ribbon too! I'm glad he won something as well, it made our first race together very pleasurable.

I'm not going to lie, it was freaking hard. It was all I had in me to keep running and not start walking, but I knew if I started walking I would regret it, so I kept running, even if it might have seemed I was running as fast as I might have been walking.

Mark and I started at the front of the pack and when the buzzer went off, I just ran with everyone else before I realized, I was running WAY too fast and was audibly taking breaths in, like screeching. I slowed way way down to catch my breath, and then of course people kept passing me, and kept passing me. I didn't care, I just wanted to finish, and finish running.

So anyways, I did it! I feel so accomplished! I don't plan on doing it again next weekend, but maybe next month?

Running!

2011-09-10T03:27:00.000-06:00

I finished the Couch to 5K program last Tuesday, and already signed up for a 5k race. It's today! I've been awake since 2:30a, so if getting a good night's sleep the night before is a requirement, I'm in trouble.

I've never actually ran a whole 5k - the program ensures you run for a full 30 minutes, but doesn't tell you how FAST to run. When I'm finished running, I've run 2.75 miles, and a 5k is 3.1 miles, so I'm a bit nervous about that last stretch. I plan to drink a 5 hour energy drink and go to IHOP and drink lots of coffee for energy. I hope I don't overdo it and make myself sick!

Mark has been running for about 5 years and has never entered a race, but I convinced him to enter this one with me, so it will be both of our first races. He entered the 10k, so we won't actually be running together which is fine, we don't run at the same pace, but it's fun that we'll be running our first race at the same time and we can go together, etc.

I've lost a couple more pounds, exercise and diet, but I went for 2 weeks without losing weight. It freaked me out a little, I didn't think I was doing anything differently than when I was losing weight, but I kept plugging along and finally yesterday I weighed and lost 2 pounds. (I weigh myself weekly). So it's about 13.2 pounds I've lost since the beginning of July. That's actually pretty good for me, maybe not so good for others, but pretty good for me. Running must increase my metabolism or something.

I start a new program on Monday - it's Bridge to 10k - for graduates of Couch to 5k, to train for a 10k. It takes 6 weeks! I don't know how you can train for 9 weeks for a 5k, and expect to only train for 6 weeks for 10k, but we'll see how it goes. I fully don't expect to be able to actually run a 10k at the end of the program, but I do expect to run for 60 minutes. Wow, 60 minutes! But I never thought I'd be able to run for 30 minutes, either. I never thought I could be a runner, now I am. It just goes to prove that you can do anything you set you your mind to do!

Today, my goal is just to be able to actually RUN the whole 5k since I've never run outside before with hills and everything, just on a treadmill. I don't want to have to stop and walk at all. I don't care how slow I have to go, I just want to run the whole way. Time is not important. I want it to be as pleasurable of an experience as possible so I won't quit and give up on races. I have all the time in the world to work on my time.

Other than that, marriage counseling is going okay, we go about every 3 weeks. We didn't have much to talk about last time we went. Our relationship has improved dramatically. I feel so much more loved, I hope he does, too. I'm trying to do what he said on the survey is important to him, and he is definitely trying to meet my needs, that's for sure. Maybe that's all that was missing, just someone to show us what the other one needed.

I get freaked out about school, that I'm not progressing fast enough. I wonder all the time if I should transfer schools. There's another one that's a longer distance than where I live, but maybe they wouldn't have such tight time constraints on when I have to finish speeds or lose my financial aid. It's not like I'm about to lose it, but it's always looming in the future. I've tried to ask specifically WHEN that will be, but the policy has changed, and it doesn't seem like they can give me a definite answer, they just give me formulas, instead of "you have until x-quarter". That's all I'm asking for, is a date. All I'm left with is an unknown, as if they know I will transfer if I actually know, because I really might, and they do have a problem with people transferring to the other school. There was recently a mass exodus to the other school, and I'm not sure why. But I don't want to run out of financial aid at this school, just to be told at the other school that because that happened, I won't have financial aid there either and had I come there sooner, that wouldn't have happened. I really don't know how these things work. So I'm constantly worried about this. I suppose I should call the other school, but won't they then tell me all the reasons why I should come to THEIR school and try to recruit me?

I go to my psychiatrist in about a month for a refill of Latuda, and I think it's worked rather well. I've weathered quite a few storms while I've been taking it, and managed to keep myself together *I think*. Exercised, dieted, went to marriage counseling, lost my dad, mainly kept a positive attitude, but had a lot of anxiety, I mean a LOT, in the beginning. But the anxiety has subsided and I've gone down on my klonipin at night, it just seems like things are better. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

Denver

2011-08-30T19:52:00.000-06:00

I went to Denver to meet with my family over my dad's death. He was cremated, so there was no funeral. We all met at my sister's mother's house (his ex-wife's, but they were still good friends), and it was nice. My aunt had made a video with pictures and music, one of his friends brought his guitar and sang songs that my dad liked, and people told stories.

I found out that I wasn't the only one that my dad was "freaking out" on in the last few years. He was doing that to almost everyone. He would just get really intense, insane, freaked out that you were wrong and he was right, and cause all kinds of problems. I guess they talked to each other and found out he was going through difficulties, I decided not to put up with it.

It's all very sad. When I was meeting with my family, it was probably one of the first times I let myself cry. His friend was playing all of these songs that he liked, and I was surrounded by people that loved him, and it was just very hard. I stayed as long as I could, and then left. I realize I went all the way to Denver, and then stayed maybe 3 hours with my family. That's all I could handle, but at least I wasn't the first to leave, not nearly.

My sister and I didn't talk much, there was too much going on. Mark was very quiet, but he usually is in situations where he doesn't know people, except maybe at work. Afterwards, he asked me how could we even be compatible, I guess by the way my dad was portrayed. I asked him if he is the same as how one of his parents would be portrayed if they died. He said no, so he finally got it. I thought it was kind of a rude thing to say, actually. But my dad and Mark are virtual opposites. The biggest being Mark is very materialistic and my dad just wasn't. Not at all. Politically they couldn't be more far apart, the way they view the world, just everything. I can't say who is right and who is wrong. I see both sides. I do see one side as being more selfish, however. But I'm not even saying I'm not on that side. I don't even know where I stand on anything anymore.

I had told my school that I was going to be gone for a few days because my dad had died, and today I was sitting in class when my cell phone rang (it was on silent but I saw a number pop up). I listened to the voicemail and it was the director asking me if I needed to take a leave of absence. Yes, she knows my dad died, but what the hell? Why do I need to take a leave of absence when I'm SITTING IN CLASS? So during break I hopped onto my laptop and sent her an email. Maybe she was trying to be caring, but really? I'm at school and you ask if I need a leave of absence?

I had separation anxiety from my dog, leaving him at a kennel for the first time since I got him. It was a nice kennel, every dog had their own "room" with a door with a glass panel, and they were walked 4 times a day and had group time and I don't know what else. I guess he found a friend while he was there, but when I went to pick him up, he cried almost the whole way home like he wasn't happy when he was there, and when we pulled up in the driveway, he REALLY started crying until he got into the house. He panted heavily the whole way home, was almost shaking, or maybe he was shaking, I don't remember, I could just tell he wasn't happy. Maybe I'll need to find a new kennel for next time, or maybe it was just the fact he was away from home for the first time and being from a shelter, he didn't know if I was going to come back for him or not. I sure missed my little dog though! I didn't know how attached to him I had become!

I'm still thinking through things, so much going on. Marriage counseling, death, and lots of other things. I guess I'm still somewhat sane, that's a positive.

Processing

2011-08-22T01:52:00.000-06:00

Today will be Week 7 Day 3, the last day of Week 7, in my Couch to 5K program. There's only 9 weeks, so I have 2 weeks left. But I won't be running a 5k when I'm done, which is 3.1 miles. I don't run that fast, maybe 2.5 miles, or a little more. Eventually I'll be running 5K, I don't know when that will be. I've lost about 11 pounds since I started, but it's not all from running. I've drastically changed my diet, and maybe Latuda has helped, I'm not sure. I had lost another 2 pounds on Friday.

Thanks for the kind words about my dad, they really helped. I broke down at the most inconvenient time, but I guess you can't really choose when or where it's going to happen. Mark was getting gas on the way to church, and I just lost it. A full face of makeup, and I couldn't stop crying. We were walking in to church, and I pulled it together enough not cry through the parking lot, but when we got inside and I heard the music, I lost it again. If anyone saw me, they probably just thought I was really moved by the music, but I don't really care what they thought. My dad just died, I don't know how you're supposed to act, but I think crying is probably involved.

I called my sister, the first time we've spoken in maybe 8-10 years. She was really glad to hear from me. She had been wanting to call me, but said she didn't have my phone number or email or anything. My aunt had given me her number. I asked if she was okay and she asked if I was okay, then she told me the details I needed to know like my dad had already paid a funeral, etc. She said the sweetest thing though. She said maybe there was a silver lining in all of this, meaning by us talking. I sure would like a sister, maybe she would too. We'll see where it goes from here.

I'm actually looking forward to going to Denver, not for the funeral, but just going to Denver in general. I haven't been there in SO LONG. I used to spend time there visiting my dad. I have a lot of fond memories of being there. My dad had taken me to Casa Bonita's a few times, and I loved it so much that when I got back to my little hometown in Kansas I wrote a paper about it English and read it in front of the class. I was so small town - haha! But I want to take Mark there, out of tribute to my dad and to show him where I used to go.

Politics aren't the same since he passed, watching the Cowboys play the Broncos won't be the same, or any Dallas team play any Denver team. I didn't realize that with our limited long distance relationship what an effect he had on me. He was the most die hard left leaning liberal I knew, and he certainly meant well. I think all liberals mean well. I used to be one, and I meant well and was very sincere, very caring and giving, I don't know how or why I changed. He probably saw that I got selfish, and maybe I am, I don't know. I'm really confused right now. Did I allow Mark to influence me? I feel really guilty about the things I said to my dad at the end that led to us not talking. I mean, REALLY guilty. Maybe I was wrong and he was right. But that's politics, there never is a wrong and right, that's why people argue. But it drove us apart.

I'm looking forward to putting this all behind me and getting on with my life. I don't know how long that will take. I wish I could say once the funeral is over and we're back home, but I'm not sure I'll be over it by then. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all depressed going around crying all the time, I'm functioning, maybe not laughing all the time, but not in bed with the covers over my head either. I'm not sulking, I feel pretty normal, which I think is awesome with everything going on in my life. My husband dragging me to marriage counseling because he's so unhappy and listening to his list of reasons why he's so unhappy with me, my dad, I mean, any of these things could be a major trigger for a serious depression. Yet I'm "hanging in there", dealing with it all. I'm not sure what's kept me grounded, but I'm glad it has.

My Dad

2011-08-19T13:11:00.000-06:00

My Dad died. I'm in a fog about it. Everybody grieves differently, I'm just in la-la land, a total space cadet, totally unable to focus on anything but that. I didn't go to school today, I just stayed home in bed, got up around noon even though I wasn't sleeping, canceled my hair appointment, and here I sit.

My Dad died of natural causes my Aunt told me. He had been in the hospital I guess for his leg, he almost lost it because it wouldn't heal (he had diabetes). Then his blood pressure was very low and they had him on medications, but his kidneys started to fail. They took him off of the medications, and apparently his blood pressure went back up and his kidneys started functioning. So they wanted to put him back on the medications and he checked himself out of the hospital without consent from the doctor. I knew NOTHING about this because we weren't speaking.

To make things worse, apparently his wife had just EVICTED him from the house, actually got a court order and had him evicted. My aunt and his other daughter and his ex wife and found him an apartment and moved him into it. He's legally blind, has a bad back and has diabetes, so he didn't work, he was on disability. He also has major mental health issues, and I was very relieved he hadn't taken his own life. My aunt said they found him a cute apartment with people just like him in the complex.

Apparently he died from a blood clot. They found him in the closet, he had been on the phone (dialing someone, I suppose, not actually on the phone with anyone), and I guess he fell out of the chair into the closet. The police found him when they searched his apartment for him.

So now it's all so complicated. His body is at the morgue, but his wife, who is not his ex-wife, has authority over him, instead of his daughters. She has the rights to everything, to say exactly what happens to him, over anyone. She called my sister and my aunt crying, telling them a different story than what he had told them, and you know, who is to say what is the right story, there are two sides to every story. My sister was much much closer to him than I was, so I'm not getting involved, I'll let them work it out between them, if there is anything to work out, if my sister will even be involved. For all I know, I could be paying for a funeral, how do I even know? I hate this waiting, waiting, I can't book a flight yet, I don't know when to go to Denver, I don't know anything. Everything is so in limbo, I can't make any plans.

Any my relationship with my sister (half sister) is complicated too. I don't know her very well either, and the last time we spoke was many years ago. She wanted me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I told her I would, but when it came to getting measured for the dress, I just couldn't, I felt too fat, so I didn't. So when I put it off, she said it was okay, just pick out a red dress. I didn't do that either, and rightfully so, she got really mad and said something like "you know, messing up someone's wedding is really fucked up", and I said something like "I guess we'll never be close". I was the person in the wrong, so how can I just pick up the phone and call her? I'm afraid she'll still be mad at me, not want to talk to me, whatever, and that will just make things worse. I probably should just call her, but I don't know, I'm just...scared.

I guess the hardest thing is that we weren't even talking when he died. I had cut off communication from him, but I did leave it open and told him if he wanted to have a relationship with me that didn't involve politics then to pick up the phone and call me. He never did. We just had a political-email relationship really. And when our politics started to clash, he couldn't deal with it. When we agreed, it was great, but when I started veering from what he believed, he saw me as a traitor and was so very angry and spiteful to me.

But apparently he had a great relationship with my sister, they talked on the phone often I guess, they saw each other (they both lived in Denver), but we never had that kind of relationship, we never even lived in the same city except for the first 2 years of my life.

I guess I never really knew my Dad. My Aunt was going on and on about the good things about him, and I was thinking....what did I really know about him?

Even though, I knew enough about him that I'm upset, I've shut myself down, I can't comprehend things. Last night Mark was laughing hysterically at a website and I thought, can anyone be more unsympathetic than that? I guess I can't expect the whole world to grieve with me, everyone can't be sad just because I am.

Anxiety and Counseling

2011-08-14T16:20:00.000-06:00

Since I stopped taking Geodon and switched to Latuda, I've lost almost 10 pounds. But I've also been dieting and on the Couch to 5k Running Program (on Week 6 out of 9 weeks). Some of it is from the anxiety I feel almost all of the time, it takes my hunger away. I don't know if it's because of the absence of Geodon which really calmed me, almost dulled me, or what it is. But I do feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. My doctor cut down my klonipin last time I saw him from 3 per day to 2 per day, and since I was taking 2 every night to sleep, I cut it back to 1 per night so I'd have a cushion for panic attacks that might arise. So there are lots of reasons for the anxiety I feel. But I keep telling myself, people actually PAY to feel anxious like this so they aren't hungry (phentermine), so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Mark and I are still in marriage counseling. We each completed "emotional questionnaires" and faxed them to our counselor, and in our last session, she had our top 5 needs that we had indicated, and our satisfaction charted, with a level of satisfaction tallied at the bottom for each of us. All of us were surprised that I was more unhappy in the marriage than Mark was. I mean, I knew I wasn't thrilled in the marriage, but Mark made it sound like it was such a dire situation, that how in the world could *I* be more unhappy than HIM? But apparently I am, and although I said we weren't really there for me, I was fine, the counselor said "obviously I wasn't fine", and we each went over our top 5 needs, and she discussed some of the comments that we'd made on the questionnaire. Some were hard for me to hear, but I think it was harder for Mark, believe it or not. I had already heard what he was unhappy with in our previous session, nothing was new to me.

But it's opened the door to open and honest communication, and our marriage is already better. We're both trying to work on improving the needs of the other person, what the other person indicated they aren't getting, and it seems like it's helping. What is really hard for me, though, is that he feels like I've "let myself go". I mean, I can cry and cry about it, but what good would that do? All I can do is buy new clothes, keep exercising and dieting, get manis and pedis, buy shoes, you know, all kinds of girlie things that girls are supposed to love to do that I've neglected to do for awhile. And to be honest, I've neglected my friends because I've been embarrassed of the way I look, so it's good for me to do these things to feel good about myself, too. Why I think it's okay for me to look a certain way for my husband but not for my friends shouldn't be right. And "attractiveness of spouse" is high on his list. He goes overboard taking care of himself, it's just...I don't know, I guess I got comfortable and sloppy about it because I'm in school, gained weight because of meds, I could list a hundred reasons but in the end, does it really matter? It doesn't mean that my feelings aren't really hurt though.

I've heard people say that when someone is depressed, sometimes they feel anxious instead of depressed. In that case, I may be really depressed. I don't really know what to think of all of this anxiety.

Is It The End?

2011-08-09T20:01:00.000-06:00

I ran my Couch to 5k program today Week 5 Day 3 which was running for 20 minutes without stopping. I did it, which was incredible, but I did have to slow down the speed halfway through. No matter, I still ran for 20 minutes nonstop.

I feel like my marriage is crumbling and there's nothing I can do. I am so anxious I can hardly concentrate at school, I don't have much of an appetite, I cry at times. My husband goes to dinner every night when he's in Chicago, but his dinners last for 5 hours, who has 5 hour dinners? He says who he's going with but I'm skeptical. And he's given a laundry list to our marriage counselor of all things he is unhappy with me about that I don't know how to deal with besides trying to fix them, but it's overwhelming. It makes me think, is it worth it? Is it better to just pull off the bandaid now? The way I feel right now is not good, I hate the way I feel.

I completed a questionnaire the counselor required us to do individually and faxed it over tonight for our session on Friday. I felt like I was tempting fate by notating MY needs and where *I* am unhappy, like I don't have a right to do that. Like tonight, I said you go out every night when you're in Chicago, why don't you do that when you're in Dallas? His response? So comforting, HA! I would, but you're there. Like I'm in his way of having a good time??? Why are we even together then? He said I'm afraid that you won't let me entertain next week when everyone comes in to town for business. I said I had no problem with that.

It just seems to me like he's tired of me and wants to move on, but I don't know what is stopping him, maybe it's an emotional connection that's he's not quite ready to break, but will once he gets the strength. It's not about love anymore. I sure don't feel loved or cherished.

Is marriage counseling just a waste of our time and he's ready to move on, and we're going to go through all of this when his mind and his heart have already moved on?

How can I NOT feel anxious and depressed? We've been together for 14 years, and I thought a man who adored me and would never leave me is now extremely unhappy with me and I don't know where this will end. I can only change so much so fast, but in the end, will it all be for nothing? Is divorce inevitable?

Latuda and Counseling

2011-08-08T02:31:00.000-06:00

My birthday was last Tuesday, and it was the worst birthday EVER! I was dreading it all week, and it when it came, I was so depressed when I woke up. No, not because I was a year older, but because it was our first marriage counseling appointment.

It went much worse than I ever could have imagined. I had seen the therapist twice in the past, so she knew all my history, such as how I grew up, etc. She knew nothing about Mark, so she wanted to get to know him. Basically the appointment was all about him. When she asked why we were there, I just "ask him, he has a list". So he pulls out his tablet, opens up an application, and begins to give reasons that he's unhappy with me. I glanced over at what he was looking at, and I couldn't read the words, but it looked like some sort of Visio-type application with boxes attached to boxes with words in them.

I never really got a chance to defend myself. He would say something, and every once in awhile, she would say "How does make you FEEL?". Well "how does that make you feel" gives me a very limited choice of answers, "sad, unhappy, mad, etc.", not really the ability to stand up for myself or say anything in return.

So I left just absolutely CRUSHED, I couldn't even talk, I just wanted to start uncontrollably sobbing. Mark said in the car "So do you want to go to dinner for your birthday tonight?" and I just put my hand up and shook my head no. All I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

But, reflecting now, I'm glad things are out in the open. She sent us both questionnaires where we BOTH put down our needs and how well they're being met (on a scoring system), and then we'll talk about that. I have unmet needs too, not getting back at him, but while we're in counseling, might as well address them.

Maybe the Latuda is working, because I was able to pull myself together on my birthday and we did go to dinner that night and have a nice night. Before, I really would have stayed in bed the rest of the day.

Also, something is causing me to really lose weight. Don't get me wrong, I am TRYING to lose weight, it's just that it's coming off much faster than it normally does. I've lost about 7 pounds in the last month, when normally, I can't lose more than 4 pounds in a month. I don't if it's the Latuda, because I started the Couch to 5k Running program around the same time, I guess that's all it could be that I've done differently. It certainly could be either one. With the Latuda, I'm not cheating on my diet like I was with Geodon and snacking at night, and I think running might raise your metabolism. Maybe it's a combination of both, but I'm thinking it might be the Latuda.

So that's awesome if Latuda is speeding up my weight loss. The only downside to Latuda I've seen so far is that it makes me constipated. I've been taking Fibercon at night, but so far, it hasn't worked at all.

I'm really proud of myself for sticking with the Couch to 5k Running program so long. The next time I run, it will be Week 5 Day 3, and it's running for 20 minutes with no stopping. When I started in Week 1, it was all I could do to run for 1 minute at a time! The program is 9 weeks long, and since I'm about to start Week 6, I can see the end is near and am so excited that I might actually finish! No, I WILL finish, failure is not an option!

So I've made all these little changes in response to our counseling session, bought lots of clothes (ha! who thought that something I love to do would be part of me doing something for counseling), getting my nails done every week, oh, life is tough. But there are other changes, like letting Mark pick movies (even though he picked the one he knew I wanted to see and not one he wanted to see, so why is he complaining that he never gets to see movies he wants to see?). I know his questionnaire is going to be really tough for me to read, it's going to hurt my feelings a lot, but I'm sure I'll get manage through it and hopefully our marriage will be stronger for it. She told us BOTH of us would have to make changes, I was surprised to hear her say BOTH, after him listing off all my faults and me saying nothing.

I don't want a divorce, so it's something I have to do. I realized that I have unmet needs too, but until I read through that questionnaire, I didn't actually realize what I had been ignoring, what had been hurting me for so long. So counseling should be good, I hope. Or not, and Mark won't be able to handle it as well (that I handle it well) as I am able to. Oh, and Mark is supposedly going through an early "exostential crisis". You THINK?

No Appetite

2011-07-19T12:08:00.000-06:00

Well, I've definitely lost my appetite, but it may not necessarily be because I started Latuda last night. Could it be that I also quit Geodon that increased my appetite and made me less anxious? Could it be that my husband called me fat and lazy and I'm broken hearted about it? Could it be that I feel overall anxious? It's hard to say, but I don't feel any better yet, I feel broken. Sad. Depressed. I cry every time I'm in the car, when I walk in the door, just at random times. I went from day to night. From feeling as great as I've felt in awhile (without feeling manic), to the lowest I've felt in a long time. I feel betrayed. Lied to, that someone I thought I knew so well really isn't the person I thought he was all along. A kind, loving person. No, that's not him. Who is he? I honestly don't know right now, and I don't even know if I want to find out. I just know that I don't see him the same anymore, and don't know if I feel the same about him either. From where I'm standing, I don't know how to, as Matchbox Twenty would put it, to "Get It Back To Good".

New Medication, Try It Tonight

2011-07-18T18:21:00.000-06:00

So I just got back from the psychiatrist, and I was really upset and crying in his office (see last blog post). I told him I HAD been in a really great place until yesterday, when Mark just crushed me with his comments. I told him I thought it was situational, that a little pill wasn't going to fix it. He always disagrees with me. His solution was to try something that would make me less sensitive, not feel so "broken", I think he even used the term narcissistic to describe me. ME? SERIOUSLY? As in, if anybody says anything negative about me I am overly upset. He didn't SAY those exact words, but he said something about it being a narcissistic quality. Yes, maybe narcissism goes with bipolar mania, but I'm not in a bipolar mania, I'm far from narcissistic, I'm very self critical, and I do get upset when others criticize me, to the point of withering. Just melting away. How is being "broken" if someone says something critical of you a narcissistic quality?

Anyways, besides my disagreeing with what he was saying under his breath, he changed one of my medications. He took me off Geodon and put me on Latuda. I had a million "NO's" for him, a list of reasons why I should not take a new medication, but the medication met all my rules, I researched it on the internet just now, and it seems do-able. My MAIN rule is that it cannot be a weight gainer, and he went through a ton of literature of trials proving to me that it did not, what the placebo vs the trial did, etc. When I got home and did my own research, I found people proclaiming that had LOST weight on Latuda, not gained! That's not what the trials say, but ok, we'll see. If I just stop getting hungry from taking Geodon, I'll lose weight from just that!

He also told me a very calming story. He's not a therapist, so don't expect him to be one, I actually find him to be anti-social. But when I told him what Mark said to me, he kind of smiled and said "oh my...", and then told me a story about St. Augustine in the Catholic Church (I guess he's Catholic) and what he said about love. He described love and desire - as love matures, desire wanes (my words, not his), but love grows stronger. He said that's natural in marriages. But I didn't say - yet my husband said he questions his love for me.

I'm finding it very hard to come to terms with what Mark said to me. I just spoke to him on the phone, and it was strained although we had a more civil conversation. At the end I said aren't you going to tell me you love me? because we always say it to each other at the end of a call, and he said I'm trying, I can tell you are too, but I'm in a hard place after the last call, then he said it and I did too.

The thing is, I just went to church and I didn't do anything! What the hell did I do? I feel like I'm going to school and bam, he's just attacking me and I have no recourse. I don't have a job, I don't have anything. There's nothing I can do, just take it. And I think he has less respect for me BECAUSE I don't have a job and am not a contributor to society, he's just like that. He considers himself an "objectionist", you know, an Ayn Rand follower. And I think he really resents me for whatever reason. He's mad as hell. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have a few guesses.

I hope this new medicine works, it would be nice not to feel so much, but like I told my psychiatrist, wouldn't anyone be upset????

What the HELL?

2011-07-18T13:25:00.000-06:00

I started working out on Monday and eating more healthy and had been feeling really good, and then we went to church today. I don't know WHAT Mark took away from the sermon, but I guess he felt an overwhelming sense of something about our relationship and me in particular of things he didn't like. He was rambling about how he could never talk to me about things without me crying and feeling insufficient and he was so scared of that, but then he said that he questioned his love for me sometimes. I mean WHAT? Really? So then you're not going to tell me WHY or what I'm doing? He wouldn't talk after saying that, and I'm just supposed to drop it, pretend like he hadn't said anything? I said do we need counseling? And he said yes, and I told him to find one he trusted because I didn't want to find one that he didn't like, and then we went in to a restaurant for lunch. As we were sitting there, I just kept getting more and more upset until we finally left before we had ordered.

I mean, it was like the big elephant in the room, you're going to tell me sometimes you question your love for me, but not tell me WHY?

So I told him I was in a good place right now compared to the past, to just TELL ME whatever it was. After going on and on and on and on about just telling me about telling me, he finally said, and I am putting this WAY better than he did because he was pretty damned rude, but I wasn't putting my all into school like he did work, like practicing at home, and I didn't go to school everyday, some days I just lounged around. I told him that I was reading a book (The Spark, very motivational), and had set new goals, and practicing was one of them. And actually, though I didn't tell him this, I'm one of the more regular attendees at school, most people are gone a freaking lot compared to me. Then I brought up our sex life, and somehow my weight got mentioned, and he actually started to cry about how my gaining weight hurt him, I didn't understand how much it had affected him or something like that. (sorry, I started this post yesterday, and am picking up today, the next day).

So I was just in shock all the rest of the day yesterday, I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't look at him, I didn't want anything to do with him. I left for school before he had left the house today and I didn't tell him goodbye, he was still working out. So he called when I got home from school and I was playing Wii Tennis as part of my cardio for the day, and I told him I was in the middle of it and we hung up. I wasn't going to call him back, but then I got to thinking "wait, I don't want him to think I'm just sitting home playing a computer game..." so I called him back and told him I was playing Wii for my cardio for the day, not just sitting around playing a computer game. He said he knew that, I had told him that on Saturday when I did it.

So I said really? You're going to tell your wife that she's fat and lazy and that you question if you love her, and you think the relationship is going to continue? I couldn't believe it, he agreed that he said all those things - fat, lazy, questioned if he loved me, so I didn't misunderstand him, even though I waayyyy oversimplified what he said. He didn't take them back the way I said them either. How am I supposed to continue in this relationship?

I don't even see him the same way now. I'm not saying that I'm not fat, if I didn't think I wasn't fat I wouldn't be exercising and dieting, well, maybe I would, I've made a lifestyle change but I just started last Monday. But I was SO excited about it and hadn't felt so good in a long time, I think from all the exercise, and then THIS.

And yes, I should be practicing my steno for school each day, I can't argue that. I don't practice most days.

But he really resents me, in a major way. And what really gets me is he said he'd been praying about it all through church, WHAT THE HELL? I told him I had noticed he wasn't paying attention in church and he said he'd been distracted, and this is what he was thinking about? Somehow the sermon led him to think his wife was fat and lazy and questioned if he loved her? SERIOUSLY? I'm never going back to church with him again.

OH! And he said we go out to dinner on dates on Friday night I don't "make myself HOT" for him. I don't have a lot of clothes because I've gained weight, but I wear the nicest I can, I do my hair, I put on makeup, I really do try to look the best I can, and that's not enough?

He said it hurts him that I have gained weight and that I don't care enough about him to look the best that I can for him. He lost about 60 pounds about 5 years ago, but you know what? I love him just as much then as I do now. I didn't think of him as fat then, and I would certainly never have called him fat.

So we argued on the phone, tit for tat, you did this to me, but you did this to me, back and forth, and finally I just said goodbye. I told him this must be your way of ending the relationship, you don't want to do it, you want me to do it. He disagreed, but what the HELL? Who in their RIGHT MIND calls their wife fat and lazy and says they question if they love them and expects that person to stay?

And WHY would that person who was told those things by someone that was supposed to love them forever WANT to stay?

Anxiety, Does It Ever Go Away?

2011-07-10T22:03:00.000-06:00

So I'm back to taking Geodon. I'm prescribed one 80-mg capsule nightly, so what I do is open up the capsule, and a lot of the powder falls out just from doing that. I don't turn the other half of the capsule upside down, but I scrape as much as I can out of it which might be about a third of what's left, put the capsule back together, and that's what I take. I go to the psychiatrist soon for a refill of Klonipin (he gives me a year's supply of refills on everything but that), so I plan on asking him for a lower dose, maybe the lowest possible capsule dose of Geodon that's possible. Surely he'll lower the dose since I'm doing it myself already. Sometimes I find myself in arguments with him over medication, I've left his office crying because I didn't agree with him on medication, but he's always been right. However, I'm doing fine on a lower dosage of Geodon, I've been doing this for a long time now, I just couldn't handle NO Geodon. But...I'm hoping that with a lower dose, eventually I can do the same thing with that capsule - open it up, take out half the powder, and maybe, in the not so near future, I won't need Geodon at all. It's just the anxiety, if I could get the anxiety to go away, I would be fine. I think if I could wean myself off the Geodon, my body would get used to not having an anti-psychotic numbing me and I wouldn't feel anxious without it. I mean, I felt really anxious for awhile when I quit Seroquel, and now I'm no longer taking it and feel fine without it. So doesn't it make sense that Geodon would work the same way?

I worry about crazy things like - what long term effects will taking anti-psychotics have on my brain when I'm elderly? Will I develop Alzheimer's when I'm older because of it? My psychiatrist is also a neurologist so I'm going to ask him about that. I know he'll say there's no research to indicate that, blah blah, of course there isn't, it hasn't been around long enough for people who have taken it long term to reach their twilight years. I'm not planning on doing away with any of my other medication, just anti-pyschotics. I read so many bad things about them that it scares me. It really bothers me that I can't seem to just stop taking Geodon on my own. I guess if I had a drawerful of Valium to cope with the anxiety, but what good would that be, to substitute one drug for anxiety over another? He says I have an anxiety disorder, but I don't believe that. Yes, I have panic attacks, but they've become few and far between, and I have klonipin for that, and I basically OD on klonipin when they happen. They're bad, but it's not the same as anxiety. And we're not talking weekly, maybe a few times a year is all. To be fair, without Geodon, it might be more, but at the same time, I quit Seroquel, and my panic attacks did not go up in frequency.

We bought a new treadmill yesterday, and I plan on starting the Couch to 5k program tomorrow. It lasts for 9 weeks, and you're supposed to be able to run continuously for 30 minutes, 5k, by the end of 9 weeks. I am SO not a runner, never have been, not even in the slightest. I have very long legs, but I don't have any stamina. The long strides don't help any when you feel like you can't breathe. I've tried the program before (it's an app on my iPhone, it's so cool, tells you when to start walking, when to start running, etc.) and got to maybe week 6 and then hurt my arm and stopped. I started school after that and didn't want to start at Week 1 all over again. For me, it was REALLY hard, but do-able. I felt such a sense of accomplishment each day I ran. (well really, walked/ran) It's kind of disheartening when your husband runs about 6-7 miles every day at a 7.2 pace, and it's all you do to run at a 4.5 pace, but I have to start somewhere. How did he start running? No program. He just got on the treadmill and ran for a full 15 minutes at 4.5 on the first day. He laughs about it now. If I could do that? Oh my gosh, I will have to train for weeks just to be able to do what he did on his first day. Some people were born with stamina, some weren't. But I've heard so many people say that if they could do it, because they totally weren't natural runners, anybody could, so that's my motivation.

School is school. I'm going every day and hoping that I'm getting better just by getting practice every day. It seems so slow, and I've seen people in my new speed that have been there for months - several quarters even! I know I'm very slow at picking this up, so I don't see how I could be any better than the slower ones, but I'm not giving up. I won't give up until I'm done or they kick me out. And boy would my husband be mad if I ever did anything to make them kick me out. Not to mention how heartbroken I would be. I would be devastated.

We went to church today, and I got to thinking, we've been going to this church since last November, maybe it's time we should consider becoming members. I told Mark we should find out the steps to becoming members, and what it meant to be a member. He agreed. Maybe we'll find out that being members of the church just isn't for us, that being attendees is enough. Or maybe we'll find out that's the natural next step for us. Either way, it does seem like a big step for me. I haven't been a member of a church since I was in high school. I don't want to sign anything that says "I believe this and this", I just don't think that's right, and I don't think this church would make you do that. They're not political, they're not condemning, they're not demanding, they just give good messages every Sunday that you can apply to your daily life, along with aha! moments in your faith.

I'm so not tired tonight, I should be sleeping, not sure why I'm not already asleep. Didn't drink any caffeine except for the cup of coffee this morning. I feel, I hate to say it, anxious. I feel that way sometimes at night and it keeps me from sleeping. Maybe it's the bipolar in me, racing thoughts that cause anxiety. But on most nights, I fall asleep right away. Just not sure why not tonight.

Well, heading back to bed, wish me luck for sleep this time!

No Geodon - Not So Great

2011-07-04T14:41:00.000-06:00

I finally took a Geodon this afternoon. The anxiety has been worsening all through the week, and I found myself in bed more and more just to escape, sleeping as much as I could. I was/am hardly eating, and Mark kept asking what was wrong with me today and I told him lots of anxiety, and he said it looked like depression to him. I guess when all someone wants to do is lay in bed, that would look like depression. I don't know, maybe it is. But I took a Geodon, and while I don't feel 100%, I feel better. I ate a frozen yogurt cone and don't feel nearly so anxious, although it's not quite all gone. I think I'll take another one before bed, too. Maybe going cold turkey wasn't a good idea. Perhaps halving them a little while longer, until I go to the psychiatrist, would be better.

Day 1 without Geodon

2011-06-26T20:10:00.000-06:00

My first day without taking Geodon the night before went better than expected. I didn't sleep nearly as soundly as I normally do, but I didn't wake up feeling tired, either. Hopefully that will improve over time, or I'll just get used to how I sleep now. I've felt anxious today, but not overwhelminlgly so. I think I'm more coherent and alert. My appetite is down, Mark has to keep reminding me it's time for meals because I'm just not hungry, probably due to the anxiety. But again, it's not overwhelming. I expected to have some anxiety.

My goal is NOT to be medication free. I need medications to keep me from my life theatening depressions. But I don't need anti-psychotics, I hate them, always have. I realize I have been very sick in the past, but I'm not any longer and haven't been in quite some time. Maybe my illness is, for the most part, in remission. I don't need to be overdrugged and in a drunken stupor to save me from myself any longer.

So now I take Lamictal, Zonegran, and Klonipin. A far cry from the time I was on seven psychiatric medications. But I have more of them stockpiled in the drawer, so I can go back to them any time I want, and a pyschiatrist who is not afraid to prescribe when needed.

School is such a downer right now. I just moved speeds so I'm the slowest in the class and it's very demotivating. My new academic for this quarter is a legal class, so I don't know how well I'll do. I'm curious about how much more coherent I'll be at school in the mornings when in the past my Geoden hadn't quite worn off yet.

So far, only positives, aside from the anxiety. We'll see how it goes, day by day.

Time to Cut the Geodon (Try #100)

2011-06-21T16:25:00.000-06:00

Bailey!

My meds have been working okay for so long that I think I'm going to try and cut back on the Geodon again tonight. I think what happens each time I try is that I get really really anxious, but I can't remember, I'd have to go back in my blog and look. The reason I want to stop taking it is that it makes me hungry once it kicks in at night. Not "Seroquel-ravishing-eat-everything-in-the-kitchen" hungry, but just nagging munchy hungry. I'll try tonight by taking out half of the powder and putting the capsule back together, and see if I can still fall asleep. That's my main thing - sleeping. Sleep was very elusive for me for so long after I stopped Seroquel over a year ago. I've finally gotten to a point where I can go to bed and go to sleep right away. At one point, I would have considered that a miracle. I would lay there with my eyes wide open for HOURS. Coming off of Seroquel after years of taking it took a lot of time to adjust, that's for sure. I hope it's not the same with Geoden. My doctor never said that I could NOT stop taking it. I have told him before I wanted to stop taking anti-psychotics (which at the time were Seroquel and Geodon), and he was okay with that. I see him next month for refills, but I don't want to wait that long.

For my birthday, I asked for a new treadmill. The one we have now, my husband runs about seven miles on it every day and it's completely worn out, I don't even want to attempt to use it. He said it shocked him once, and ever since he told me that, I haven't gone near it. I want to try the 0-5k in 9 weeks program on my iphone again. I was doing really well until I hurt my arm and didn't want to move it, so I stopped running. Mark thinks it's strange that I stopped running because I hurt my arm, he runs when he has a fever or no matter what is wrong with him, but it's when I first started school, and I could hardly hold it up to write on the machine. At the time, I thought that maybe I had hit it on the railing on the treadmill, so I stopped for it to heal, but it hurt for several weeks, and by that time, I was really into school and would have had to start over on my program. So, I want a new treadmill. I don't know if Mark will buy one for me, he wants an industrial one because he runs so much, but I just one that's better than what we have now, and it is *my* birthday present, even though he's considering the use of it for himself since he's the runner in the family. I don't see why it has to be $5k or however much the industrial ones are? Why can't we just buy a good regular treadmill? It's better than the piece of crap we have now and I would actually be able to use it!

I've been feeling really lonely lately, I even have weird dreams about it. They're so vivid about people that I wake up and miss them, like the events were real and it takes hours to shake off. Sometimes it's people I know and haven't seen in forever, sometimes it's people my mind has made up (I guess?). Mark travels a lot, he's gone at least every other week, I go to school just 3 hours a day, so that leaves a lot of the day just to myself. I feel so fat that I don't want to be around other people who know me. I plan to talk to my psychiatrist about this when I go in next month. But he's not a therapist, he's a "take this pill and make it better" doctor. I don't think he even believes in therapists, but this really does affect my day to day life. I feel like a freak, when maybe I'm not one actually. I look at some people and know they're bigger than me and they seem fine about it, but I feel freakish. And I know I look bigger than I see myself in the mirror, because I'll see a picture someone will take of me and I'll think "I look like THAT? WHAT?". It's not really depression, I mean I guess, I don't know, it's more of a self esteem thing. I wonder if people would treat me differently if I were a size 6 at school. I wonder if people would smile at me more if I were thinner. I think things like this all the time. But it's not like people are mean or rude to me - they're not! People are generally nice to me. It's just...I want to be special, is that so wrong? And I'm not, I'm just a big fat blob that's overlooked. I hate feeling that I'm being overlooked. Does that make any sense?

My dog Bailey brings a lot of joy to my life. He keeps me company in an otherwise lonely life. He has so much energy and love to give! I can't believe another family dicarded him or lost him or whatever happened to him so that we found him in a shelter. He's a really good dog.

Blessings Come in Raindrops

2011-06-15T02:59:00.000-06:00

One of the hardest things for me to understand is why God would not listen to my prayers when I've been filled with mental anguish for months, suicidal, and not take the pain away when I've prayed and prayed. There's one particular time in my life that's very painful to me where I prayed daily, sometimes for God just to take my life, and I heard nothing, day after day, month after month, until I went to the psych ward. I've always wondered, why? Why didn't God help me?

Last week, the sermon was about being in the storm, and God answering prayer with "Silence", and why He would do that. It finally made sense - still painful, but it made sense.

After the sermon, a girl sang this song which really brought home and put a closure to why God hadn't answered my prayers so many years ago.

Blessings - Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Who are People, Really?

2011-06-10T00:43:00.000-06:00

For English II, we had to write a paper about a bomb shelter where we could only save 8 people out of 12, and what 3 people would we kick out. I've never had my eyes opened to how people really are as I did from this assignment. We had two discussions about it before we wrote our paper. My theory was that we needed the people with the best skills to rebuild the world once the people were released from the bomb shelter (the population had been wiped out), but most people did not see it that way. They judged it on things like faith, values, and got rid of people who did not have their same beliefs instead of people who would actually be helpful. I argued (it is an argument class after all) with them, and they got belligerent with me. The person I argued with the most is the one who insisted (but she wasn't the only one, just the one who was the most vocal) to get rid of the person who was in his last year of medical school because he was homosexual and an atheist. Her reason? He did not believe in God and he is a homosexual that will molest the children in the bomb shelter, and she wanted to protect the children from someone who does not believe in God and who is homosexual. SERIOUSLY? How in the world does she expect in real life to protect her children from everyone who does not believe in God or is homosexual, and by the way, I said, homosexuals are not predators. She said, who are these people who don't believe in God? I should protect my own children from "these people" (assuming I had kids). I'm a Christian, but I happen to have 3 vocal atheist friends that are good people and that offends me, just like saying being a homosexual makes you a molester because of my gay friends. But believe it or not, I was way outnumbered. Isn't that crazy in today's day and age? I thought the country had come along so much further than that. Maybe it's where I live, maybe it's who I go to school with, I have no idea, but the views were so narrow. My teacher wrote that he really enjoyed reading my paper, and I got an awesome grade. : ) It's still hard for me to believe that a majority of the nation really believes the way my class believes about people. I had a hair appointment yesterday and I wanted to talk about it to my stylist who happens to be gay to get his opinion, but how do you tell somebody "oh, by the way, my English class thinks you would molest their children and you would be the first person they would vote out of the bomb shelter." It doesn't exactly come off sounding PC.

My new steno class is so hard that it's overwhelming. The teacher talks so fast that I can't keep up for two of my classes (Q&A and Jury Charge) which I haven't had consistently until now so I'm not proficient. It's going to take a long time for me to be able to write them at 120wpm. I see that some people have been at this speed for at least six months, which is so disappointing. I get to school early so I can practice every day, but it never seems like enough. But I never feel like practicing once I'm home. I think it's because I don't have the same kind of chair like they do at school.

Obama is so liberal he's turned me conservative, how's that for crazy? I used to be so liberal until Obama became president, and now I see the world completely different. I rarely agree with something he does. It's changed the whole way I see things fiscally mainly. Not so much socially, but definitely fiscally. Unless you count health care, is that social or fiscal? If it's social, then okay, I disagree with him socially, too. And I've gotten into arguments with people over it - my Dad, my sister in law (although I wasn't trying to debate her), and I'm sure other people as well. I went off again tonight about politics on stupid facebook of all places which has me wondering, am I getting manic or something? Why can't I control my outbursts, except people are just wrong! It's always been a thorn in my side when people say that people who make more money than others should be "more patriotic" and have their taxes increased or pay for health care for the rest of the nation. Oh my gosh, that gets my blood boiling! I argued about it with my Dad, I argued about it in English II, and then my liberal friend posted a petition for millionaires asking for pledges to increase their taxes. Poor judgement to argue on facebook? Definitely. It serves no purpose, and I hate how you can't just say something on facebook and only that person knows, every one of your friends has to read what you said or see what you "liked". It keeps me from saying or liking anything most of the time, but I just couldn't help myself, that's a very touchy subject with me. Why should one group of people be expected to be more patriotic than another? Why should some people be telling other people how to spend their money? Labeling "increasing taxes on higher incomes" as patriotic (as Biden did) is playing on people's emotions - people who make less money. They think "yeah! they SHOULD be more patriotic!", because after all, it's not them, when in reality, all it does is piss most people off in the higher income brackets.

The Mavs won Game 3 tonight! Yay! One more game and they will have won the championship!
Too good to be true? We'll see!

Everything is A-OK!

2011-05-28T07:49:00.001-06:00

I passed my second test to move on to the next speed in court reporting school! It takes FOREVER and so many weeks of failing and failing tests until you finally pass one that it's exhilirating when you finally do pass one. But now onto the faster speed, and months of failing once again, with a new class that all writes faster than I do. Mark and I went to a really nice dinner to celebrate and spent too much money, but you only pass tests so rarely!

I realized that really my bipolar symptoms have been in check for so long now, I don't consider it as effecting me at all anymore. I get anxious from time to time, but that's about it. I was listening to the Message (Christian satellite radio) the other day, and a lady was talking about how a song was special to her because of her bipolar disorder. I don't have that desperation right now, and haven't in a long time. I've been going to school for a year and a half and have had only anxiety issues once in awhile during this time, and before that, I think I was depressed, but it was because I wasn't doing anything. I remember how awful it felt, how desperate I got, but it seems so far away and distant. I'm scared that I'll go back there again one day soon, I'm almost positive that I will be back there again in the future one day for whatever reason, I don't think anyone is ever cured 100% for good for the rest of their lives (are they?), but for now I'm pretty ok! I feel like I should knock on wood. I read blogs where people are so sad and upset that are bipolar, but rarely do I read a blog where someone has been stable for awhile. Maybe people stop blogging once they're ok? I can't believe that people with bipolar disorder never become stable long term. I know there are bipolars out there who lead happy successful lives with their disorder effecting them minimally under the proper medication. There has to be! Maybe going to school and not working just isn't stressful enough to trigger bipolar symptoms in me, yet school can be very stressful. Failing tests week after week is very stressful and you must keep yourself from getting depressed.

Mark has been very unhappy lately, I think because of work, but he's taking PTO for the next week, so hopefully that will help. He's under a tremendous amount of stress at work, I couldn't do it, for sure it would trigger the bipolar symptoms in me, I don't think the medication I take is enough or strong enough that it would stop it. He wants to leave, but feels he's trapped in the "golden handcuffs", and honestly, he is. He travels so much, but we can't move to where he goes, because it's more expensive to live there, his company won't pay for it, and my school is here, although they would allow me to go online if I wanted to. I don't want to though. I think maybe once I graduate I would like to move there - we wouldn't notice the rise in the cost of living if I started working as much, and it would be nice to live back in the Midwest, I miss Midwest people : )

That's about it - hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend!

Anxiety for a Day

2011-05-20T15:28:00.000-06:00

There hasn't been much to write about the past few weeks, so I haven't been inspired to write.

I had a sort of all day panic attack, maybe intense anxiety, a few days ago. It started out with a horrible dream and waking up feeling very insecure and anxious. I took 2 klonipin before I even left for school which I never do. By 2:00, it was unbearable and I took 2 more, but it didn't take the horrible feeling away, so I took a Geodon and started to feel better around 5:00. Around 5:30 I decided the best thing to do would be to just go to bed so I took my nighttime medications and was in bed by 6:30. The next day, I was back to normal. I'm not sure what happened exactly, why I freaked out. I guess you can't always explain it, a dream can't do that to you, but chemicals in your brain certainly can. I don't know, I can't even pretend I know.

I took a speed test at school yesterday and didn't think I passed it when I typed up what I wrote, but later thought about it and started getting excited that maybe I did. I hate the feeling of getting my hopes up that I passed and being disappointed when I don't. I remember gauging after the test how I "felt" about it, and I "felt" that I didn't pass. I then gauged how I "felt" after typing it up, and I told myself not to get excited about it because I didn't pass. But that hasn't stopped me and it makes me mad at myself. I was hoping she had graded the test when I went to school today, but she told me she couldn't find it after I put it in the box where students of all speeds put their speed tests once they transcribe them. I was the only one in my class that day that transcribed their test. Strange, I thought it was an easy test compared to most of them that we get, I had thought that most of the class in my speed would have been typing that one up. Anyways, after our second class, the teacher came back late and told me she had found it, so of course she hadn't graded it. I know I didn't pass, I just wish the excitement of thinking maybe I did would go away. I hate the feeling of being disappointed. Now I have to go all weekend and suffer through "maybe I passed" and be disappointed when I find out I didn't on Monday. At least maybe this means I'm close to passing, maybe I'll pass one next week and move on to the next speed class. Not looking forward to that, starting all over with a new speed!

We went to dinner with Mark's parents for his birthday last weekend, and they gave him an old picture in a frame of his grandfather, who looks scarily just like him. He said when he grew up, his whole family would comment on how much they looked alike when his grandfather was his age. It's true, it's eerie. The picture came from his grandfather's house when he was still alive in Kansas, hanging in his house for years and years. I thought it was really nice of his parents to give Mark something that was probably so sentimental to his father.

I have this horrible habit I've discovered lately that's happened twice now, and I don't like it at ALL about myself. I've found out bad news (not life threatening, just not good news) about two people I don't like, and it made me happy that it happened to them. I don't think it's good at ALL that it makes me happy that bad things happen to people I don't like, it's not very Christian or good of me, I shouldn't want bad things to happen to anyone. Why am I like that? Yes, in my opinion they've done me wrong, but isn't that bad karma to be happy when misfortune happens to other people? I just ask God to forgive me, to change the way I think and feel, what else can you do? I don't know how to change my initial reactions to things. Is it normal? Is it just human? Or is it evil and wicked and means I'm a bad person? One person lost their job, that isn't good, that's awful, yet I didn't feel awful when I found out about it. I almost felt like they deserved it, like they had it coming. I shouldn't think that, especially in this economy. I don't know what it all means, maybe I shouldn't beat myself up over this, but it really bothers me that I would feel glad about someone's poor situation, no matter how I feel about them. But in my defense, they didn't care if Mark lost his job and argued about the field he is in, how it should all go away and I commented that that would mean he would lose his job and they wanted to fight me on it anyway, so it's weird that they lost THEIR job. It shouldn't make me happy though. I'm not still happy, it was just the initial reaction.

The weird psychotic guy who I believed needed mental medical attention unfriended all 200 of his friends except for one, and then I think he completely deactivated his facebook account. My interpretation of that, when he was posting about 20 or more times a day, is that he's finally crashed, and I'm worried about him, but it's not like I'm going to text him or reach out to him. He freaked out on me when I just tried to text him the code to get back into Facebook last time, my friend called the cops on him, he's shown up at school, he's been very bizarre. But I don't know who he has in his life, unfriending everyone in facebook, even your family, shows that you're alienating yourself from everyone, and that's not good either. But he's not a good friend or family member, what could I even do? If he was dead in his apartment, hotel, wherever he's living, who would know? But I don't know that much about him, who he had become lately besides bizarre and scary and not like himself at all. I guess I'll never know what happened to him. Sometimes you don't know the end of the story.

I've watched about 2 or 3 seasons of the Real Housewives of New Jersey to catch myself up to the new season, and I think it's my favorite "Real Housewives". It definitely has the most drama, but I think they were all pretty mean to Danyielle, no matter how weird she was. Everyone ganging up on just one person all the time wasn't fair. I read she had signed a 3 year stripping contract and quit, saying she had an addiction (to what, I don't know. sex? love?), and it was mentioned that she was trying to go on Celebrity Rehab. If you don't watch the show, sorry, but I just spent an entire weekend watching a marathon of the Real Housewives in New Jersey - haha!

Other than that, go Dallas Mavericks! : )

Just an Update

2011-04-27T19:56:00.000-06:00

My psychiatrist gave me a year's worth of refills on everything I'm taking except klonipin - that he only gave me one refill which lasts 6 months and will need another refill in July. He knows I won't miss that refill, so I guess that's his way of making sure I come in to see him. He thinks I'm doing so well and have been for awhile that he doesn't want to change anything I'm taking. I wish he would prescribe a diet medication, but I know he won't. He's not in the business of weight loss. I used to order phentermine online until I spent hundreds of dollars on a prescription that the government confiscated. I didn't know it was illegal, is it? I assume it is, otherwise that government wouldn't have taken it away.

My highly mentally unstable friend is so over the edge that I don't even know what to do. He spends all day taking pictures of things that don't make sense and posting them on facebook, and updating his facebook status with bizarre things every 30 minutes or more all day long. I can't even begin to figure out his train of thought, it's so detached and it's not logical, but I know it makes sense to him. He told me when we went to school together that he couldn't afford insurance, which I think is crazy. Anyone who knows me knows that I consider health insurance priority #1, go without a cellphone if you have to, a car, whatever it takes, just to get the bare minimum. Eat ramen noodles everyday, but don't go without health insurance. The thing is, I'm helpless. If I call the police, I don't think they could involuntarily admit him to the mental ward. He's not in danger to himself or others that I have seen. But I know he will be. My fellow students that know him and we were all friends together are afraid he's going to come to school with a gun and shoot us all. We've all discussed it, what we will do if we see him on campus, that sort of thing. The security guards have been alerted and have a picture of him. We're THAT scared of him. Being mentally ill myself, my main concern for him is the inevitable crash. Sure he's out taking pictures, socializing with facebook, reaching out to people right now, but what happens when he goes inward? At least right now we know what he's thinking (sort of), what will happen when he suddenly stops? That's why I want to get him help now, yet at the same time, I'm afraid of my own safety to even contact him again.

It seems like I'm getting really close to passing my second 100 speed test and moving on to the 120 speed class. I'm already friends with most of that class, so hopefully it won't be too traumatic to go to a new speed where I can't read anything back because it's too fast. I should probably be practicing more, but it seems like lately when I practice more, I do worse.

I had a somewhat panic attack at church on Easter. I had to take my klonipin that I'd had in my purse for about a year for just such an occasion. What a strange place to have a sort of panic attack - at church, where you're supposed to feel the most peace. I was on my period though, that could have had something to do with it. Anxiety has been a real issue this week. I actually took 2 Seroquel last night which I haven't taken in months (since the last overwhelming lingering anxiety that I couldn't shake) and that seemed to have done the trick. It seems like every once in awhile the anxiety builds and builds until I have to take
Seroquel, then I'm okay for a few months, then it creeps up on me again, thus the vicious cycle starts all over again. I wonder why that happens.

My dog is on an antihistimine with steroids for whatever allergy he has. He has FINALLY stopped itching, but the vet told me this was only a temporary fix, he could not stay on this medication long term because of the steroids. So, when the medication ends, if he starts itching again, and he's itched deep scratches that still hasn't healed into his belly, the vet wants to do an allergy test on him, the same kind of allergy test they give to people, to find out what he's allergic to. Then he'll need allergy shots, just like a person. All of a sudden I feel like I've already talked about this in a previous entry, so I'll stop at that.

I think the reason my mentally ill friend bothers me so much is because I wonder if that could be me one day. Did he go off his meds and lose it? And in the process lost everything that was important to him - his son, his wife, his job, and he quit school? I've never been ill like he is - I get depressed, I'm more of a harm to myself than anything, I don't get delusional except for how I feel about myself. But who knows what the future brings? I've been on multiple medications for 10 years now, what would happen if they were suddenly taken away from me? Who would I be? *What* would I be? Maybe I'd be fine. Or maybe I'd be just like him.

Messed Up Friend Strikes Again

2011-04-22T21:01:00.000-06:00

My, what I think, is a seriously mentally ill friend (I don't think I'd call him a friend anymore) struck again, but this time, not to me. He reached out to another one of my classmates, and this time it was scary in my opinion, and obviously to her. We were all friends in the same class, but that was it, just classmates who talked to each other at school, nothing more. The email is below, and if you think details you don't understand would be things that make sense to her, they don't. They are complete nonsense. They make as much sense to you as they do to any of us. She called the police after she received the email, she contacted the dean of the school and he said the security guards would be made aware of him and escort him off school property if he showed up (again). I didn't type the context of any of his 100 texts to me in one night in my blog, but here's the email he sent to my friend on facebook (with the names of the innocent protected). Let me know your thoughts. Is he mentally ill? Is he on drugs? I say mentally ill, and he is headed towards destruction. If he has a mental illness, I can't determine what kind he has. Schizophrenia?

From the disturbed person to my classmate:

, maybe this sounds stupid to you, but I love you. Always have. Or maybe it sounds hilarious. Who knows. But I understand about the flat, and what that meant. And I always did. But I could never treat you like a girlfriend. For me, that would never do. I know you know my feelings for you are sincere. I never went to the Green House because that just wouldn't do. I had to fulfill a prior commitment. I went to to see you, and was disappointed you weren't there. However, the unicorn tattoo had to go. If I am crazy, or if this sounds crazy, it's just, you know, crazy about you and all that dumb shit. I was hard on you because I was a little hurt. I'm sure you are quite capable of understanding what I am trying to tell you right now. I am no longer married. We had a tacit understanding. I know why you left. You were the only one I was ever happy about. My Uncle told me I would be much, much happier. And now I know he was right. So, please don't play dumb. It doesn't suit you. I need to see you both. You are my favorite kind of company. I've thought of you often, and I think you know that. I lost my Facebook password. Otherwise, I would have contacted you sooner. So, if you would simply come over to that would make me a very happy man. I know your dad won't mind watching . I got the picture. A photograph is pretty good. But I haven't accepted any substitutes. You are the three letters I've been looking for all along. You can't imagine how happy I was when you left. Anyway, I went and got my TDL from the DPS today. I don't care about a car. I care about you and . You have to understand that I just didn't want to know. I can't not be a part of my children's lives. It makes me sad to think that I've already missed so much. I have to have you with me at all times. A tourist visa will work. I'll take care of all that once I'm sorted out. I think you know all this already. I had to go online. I couldn't be around you that much. Too painful. I would have just married you right away if you would have had me. I'll shut up. . I have your phone. You don't have to call. You can just come. I know it's late, but better late than never. I love you, . And I know you are a good girl, that you don't party. I found all the parts along time ago. Putting them back together just takes a long time sometimes. It's actually Mother of Pearl Harbor. It's a sneak attack. Does that make sense. I can explain better in person.

Is that weird or what? It scared the hell out of her. He actually showed up at school the day before to meet her, so he means business. A police officer called him twice on the phone number he listed and told him he would be arrested if he came near her, so hopefully that will do the trick. But who will get help for him? He clearly doesn't see that he needs help. How do these things normally end? People don't just "snap out of it", do they? One day they are out of touch with reality, they wake up one day, and have perfect clarity? My husband thinks he's on drugs, but I don't see the highs and the lows. Just madness, all the time. He posts nonsensical status updates on facebook all the time. I'm scared of him, but worried about him at the same time. He's a human being after all. But not so worried to get involved and reach out and engage him. He's a loose cannon.

My dog has severe allergies, but we don't know to what. I've taken him to the vet several times. He keeps itching and scratching himself, and his skin is inflamed and has scratches on his belly and chest. The vet is worried they are going to get infected next. He's now on a prescription antihistamine with steroids. If that doesn't work, or if it does and then the symptoms come back, the vet said the next step would be allergy shots! Just like people, he would be given an allergy test where they poke the skin to find out what he is allergic to. Allergy shots for a dog? Oh my gosh! She said she would show me how to give them to him myself, but I can't give my dog a shot! I'd rather drive him to the vet however often so they could do it for me. That's a lot less painful than giving them myself. My husband said that sounds really expensive, he would administer the shots if we got to that point. Claritin has no effect on him, oatmeal baths don't seem to work, why would I think a round of steroids would work after it was finished? He would still be allergic to whatever he is allergic to.

I'm frustrated with school. I'm still stuck in the same speed class, why do I learn so slowly compared to others? Is it my age? Has the medication dulled my mind? I have an A in English Comp II, academics are so easy. It's the skill part of school that has me so down, but I try to stay as positive as I can, reminding myself that there are several that have already been kicked out of school because they couldn't pass where I am in the allotted time frame needed. I still have plenty of time to get where I need to be, but who wants to squeak in just in time with all that pressure?

Spring is here, a time when sometimes spring fever kicks in and get a bit hypomanic. It hasn't happened this year. I'm not sure why. I wouldn't MIND it happening, it just hasn't. As a matter of fact, I happen to LOVE Spring Fever. I asked Mark if he had Spring Fever, and he had no idea what I was talking about, he said he had never experienced it. Well I know I'm not the only one, there's a whole term coined for it, it's called SPRING FEVER!

I'm hormonal right now, thank God it's the weekend, except it's Easter and we're going to church on Saturday since Sunday it will be packed. Luckily his family hasn't planned anything this year because I'm not ready to face my sister in law after our squabble and I unfriended her on facebook. I just simply wouldn't have gone. They talked about forgiveness at church one Sunday and I cried my eyes out, there are so many people I hold grudges against and can't forgive. I know the right thing to do is to be the better person and let things go, reach out to those that I feel have wronged me and make things right, but I can't seem to do it. Once someone hurts me, I recoil and don't want to let it happen again. I always think of my mother first when I think of who to forgive, but reaching out to her, wow. That's a big step. Maybe God wants me to do it, but that's a huge leap of faith. I don't know how I would deal with rejection again. If I put everyone I hold a grudge against in the same room, the room would be pretty full. Well, depending on the size of the room of course!

Sleep comes and goes, sometimes I sleep really well, sometimes not so good. I'm doing well at making it to class every day, I've only missed one day out of three weeks so far. Not good if I had a job, excellent for being in school. It wasn't a mental health day, it was "I'm tired, I'm going to sleep in" day.

That's about it, except for being entertained by my crazy friend and his twice hourly nonsense facebook status updates.

Friend with Mental Illness, What to Do?

2011-04-09T00:29:00.000-06:00

I had the most bizarre thing happen to me. What do you do when you think a friend is seriously mentally ill? How do you tell them when they're off the deep end?

I got this weird notification on Facebook to give one of my friends a code because they needed access to Facebook. I hadn't talked to him in awhile, so I sent him a text asking if he needed a code for Facebook. He replied asking if I was someone named Kristen, a perfect 10, and I said no, said my name, and he just went on and on, texting me all night with nonsense, about 100 texts after I went to bed. What he said made absolutely no sense, it was really weird things. So random, I mean it was things that only a crazy person would say. It was way worse than Charlie Sheen. At least Charlie Sheen made sense, although he was out of his mind.  My friend was just rambling and stringing along sentences that had nothing to do with each other or me.

I told my husband when I got up that I had gotten 100 texts overnight from him. He said you know, you only have 250 texts on your plan, you've got to get him to stop texting you or it will start costing per text. I have very few texts on my plan because I just don't text, I talk on the phone all the time so I have a ton of minutes.

So I told him to stop texting me, and that I was very worried about him. He had told me the night before (in his small window of when he was coherent and making sense) that he had gotten divorced, his son was staying with his brother in London, and the last time I saw him was in December before he quit school. So his life has changed dramatically for whatever reason.  When I told him to stop texting me, he accused ME of hacking into his facebook account and told me it was a FELONY. What?? Why would I do that? I told him I wasn't going to argue with an irrational person, and he said who was arguing, would I meet him for lunch. I just didn't reply and he finally stopped texting. Maybe he went to bed - after all, he was up all night and morning texting me!  He told me that instead of 100 texts, he thought he had sent me two thousand!

So if I told him I thought he was mentally ill (and how do I know he's not on drugs instead), what would even be done about it? I don't think he would believe me. To him, I'm sure he is making perfect sense. If I called the police out of concern, what would they do?  As far as I can tell, he's not in danger to himself or anyone else. I can't FORCE him to get help. His child is already staying with his brother, so that's not a concern. How do you reach out to someone who does not want your help nor do they think they need help, yet they are so very sick? It's a very helpless feeling, and I feel terrible about telling him not to text me anymore when there is obviously such a big problem with him and he may need me to be there for him one day soon, but there's also an issue with him being a guy and me being married, and us texting and what my husband thinks about that. It's not being very considerate of his feelings. I wouldn't like it at ALL if he got 100 texts in one night from a woman. I would be very suspicious, actually. He's taking it rather well.

My mother's husband has an account on facebook and his wall is public, and he posted pictures of my mother. I haven't seen her since I was 18, so this was the first time I've seen what she looked like in 24 years. She looked better than I thought she would. She still looked, I don't know, poor, but I expected that.  Her husband is atrocious looking, this huge motorcycle guy, nothing against motorcycles, but he's a REAL older motorcycle dude with long white hair and a bushy handlebar mustache, and pretty big, too. I think he's in his late 50's, and she turns 61 this year. They just look...you know, like a small town "lived hard" older couple. But I couldn't help but think...is THAT how I'm going to age? I could definitely age worse, that's for sure, but I asked Mark before I told him who it was if she looked familiar, wondering if he could tell it was my mother, and he had no clue. So that's good.   I've often wondered if I should send her husband a message on facebook, but have thought better of it many, many times. I just don't know how I would react to digging up old feelings and hurt and anger from the past. That's the last thing I need - my sanity is very precious to me.

School is school. It is what it is. I'm still trying to pass my second 100wpm test, but this quarter I'm stuck in a combined 60-80-100 class that are all trying to pass those speeds so it's not totally concentrated on people trying to pass their 100's. I took 2 weeks off for my break between quarters and didn't practice, and I can so tell this first week back. I'm really rusty.

A guy came to fix my Alienware laptop today, and he wanted me to give him directions to my house while we were on the phone. I'm the most directionally challenged person you'd ever want to meet. The GPS in my BMW is my best friend! Every single turn, I told him to go the wrong way, I swear. I couldn't remember the names of any of the streets except the exit from the freeway, I actually told him to turn right one time instead of left, and he told me that would turn him right into a house (haha!), and he was so frustrated with me that once he got on my block he simply hung up on me, didn't even say I'm on your block, I'll see you soon or anything. He was kind of rude when he got to my house, and when I let my dog down (I was carrying him), I think he could sense his negative energy, and he snarled and went right for his pant leg. He only weighs five pounds so it's not like he's scary or could hurt him. Oh my gosh, I don't want another aggressive dog, but the guy did kind of deserve it, being curt to me in my house. At the same time, the pest control guy was here, and I carried Bailey around to talk to him while he treated the house, and Bailey was fine with him. So I really think he sensed the guy's anger towards me or his general mood. He's very sensitive to that.

That's about it, up at almost 2:00am on a Friday night, I think because I drank a diet coke at dinner which had caffeine. I've cut out caffeine after noon every day and that has solved my sleeping problem, but I cheated tonight and I think I'm paying the price now.

Passed my first 100 test!

2011-03-22T13:15:00.000-06:00

I passed my first 100 wpm test today! Woot! I still need to pass another one before I can move on to the 120 class, and I don't feel that I'm ready for the 120 class yet either. I don't even feel like I write at 100 actually. I took the test at 7:00am, when I was barely awake and had hardly had a chance to wake up. As a matter of fact, it looked like our teacher for that hour wasn't coming and I was about to say "forget it" and just leave for the rest of the day. I'm so glad I didn't!

But we took 3 more tests in my main teachers class after that, and I didn't get close to passing any of them. I didn't even type them up, I just had her sign the notes and then went home for the day as that was my last class. We have 4 more days left in the quarter, but today was the last day for testing, I have enough time to miss the rest of the quarter, so I'm taking an early break until April 4th when school starts again.

If I actually wrote 100wpm, wouldn't I have passed at least one of those 3 tests? It's so hard when you BARELY write at that speed, you have to get *just* the right test to pass, no tricky words to stump you.

I think in steno, it's so ridiculous. All the time I'm having conversations or watching television or a movie, and briefs for everything people say are flashing through my mind. I'm constantly thinking "can I write that like this or that?" thinking of different scenarios in my head as the person keeps on speaking. But I'm still listening to what they're saying. It's like I have an additional annoying voice in my head now. I asked my teacher if it will ever go away and she no, it's something I'm stuck with now. If it's just Mark with me and we're watching television, sometimes I'll say the word (or group of words) and then spell the brief aloud to see if it makes sense, he finds it very annoying but is used to it. I know he thinks it's dorky, but I'm on a huge learning curve here, something has to give!

Saturday Night

2011-03-21T19:43:00.000-06:00

Mark was in a horrible mood on Saturday night and seemed intent on picking a fight with me. I refused to engage him, I practically shut down, which just made him more mad that I wasn't responding, and his attacks became more menacing. They encompassed just about everything about me.

To make it quick, he told me he didn't believe I was bipolar and should stop taking my medication, I'm only half as coherent my medication than I used to be, and I don't take care of myself anymore. So, he attacked my mental stability, my intelligence, and my appearance. What else is left? I was extremely hurt. I didn't respond and went upstairs to bed, but he followed, still lashing out at me. I still don't understand what prompted it. I finally got mad and yelled back, then told him I wasn't arguing with him anymore and started ignoring him again. He grabbed his pillow and stormed out of the room. The next day, he went to church and I refused to go with him.

I thought a lot about being bipolar and not needing medication. I had told him that I had been suicidal almost 10 years ago and went to the hospital, he said that it was situational. I think I've been arguing this point with him for some time, how *I* don't believe that I'm bipolar because I just don't want to believe it, I feel fine. But when I stopped and thought about it, I know I have a problem with deep crushing depression, and that depression was NOT normal. Yes, it started from a situation, but situations don't spiral your emotions out of control, going downward for months until your suicidal and you're praying for death on a constant basis.

But he asked me, what manic episode have you had? Yes, that is a good question. I've never had a "Charlie Sheen" moment. Never a "Tom Cruise jumping on the couch" moment (which really, doesn't seem so weird to me). While I see Charlie Sheen as classic bipolar mania, I've just never experienced that. I struggle to find a manic episode in my life. I can't even say why psychiatrists keep diagnosing me as bipolar, I'm sure I've shared all of this with Mark at some point or another and he was simply regurgitating what I've told him. I've exercised very poor judgement, pressured speech, racing thoughts, irritability, that's about the extent of it. Nothing that I would think would really warrant a mood stabilizer. Depression? Sure, chalk me up to that, I need help. I do believe that one day I would kill myself if I don't take my medication. The depressions can come fast and quick and I totally could see myself going from one day being happy to the next day being in the depths of despair and ending my life. It's that sudden and that deep and dark. It's an illusion - I've been fine on my current medications for so long now that it makes Mark and myself wonder "am I even sick"? Yet, couldn't that be BECAUSE I take medication?

The coherent part, well that just hurt my feelings. I do know it's true, but who wants to hear they're not as sharp as they used to be? And should that really even be said, ever, no matter if it's true?

Not taking care of myself, I'm going to school, I'm buying extremely casual clothes for school, don't wear makeup to school, throw my hair in a ponytail for school, because, well, I'm just going to school and no one dresses up. They just throw themselves together and consider themselves proud they made it at all. I should work on my weight, but he didn't mention that.

So today is Monday, and after feeling extremely hurt Sunday and today (Monday) I let him have it on the phone and started crying. He asked me what he said that hurt my feelings so much, but I told him it was so hurtful that I couldn't even tell him. I managed to get bits and pieces of it out, but told him I didn't know how to get over it, that his apologies couldn't take away his words and my pain. It's so unlike him!

I know he's under an enormous amount of stress at work, and I had kept asking him "what is WRONG?" but he just continued attacking me. He started out angry, and I didn't do anything to him to provoke it. It just started out of the blue it seemed like to me.

So tonight when he got home, I found he had stopped at a floral shop and bought roses and gave them to me. He's done all he can do to let me know how bad he feels. I told him there are things about him that I think that I would NEVER tell him because they would be too hurtful, you just learn to live with someone and accept them.

I know he wants his trophy wife back, has been pushing me to go to the hair salon (I'm going on Friday) and buy new clothes (do I buy for school? for us to go out? both?), I want to please him, but I want to feel loved unconditionally too.

We finally came to a consensus with the medication, that I should take it. Such a turnaround for him. It's gone from me getting out of the hospital and him telling me if I EVER stopped taking my medication he would leave me, to now saying he doesn't think I need it and my doctor overmedicates me. But it's a facade, I simply seem to be okay because of the medication, I'm really not. I'm a mess. I don't even believe I could finish school if I stopped taking it. I think I would be too emotional.

So, I'm putting all he said in the past. He's sorry, I understand him better, he understands me better. Maybe I forgive, but I don't think I'll ever forget.

My dog is the new love of my life! He's getting groomed Wednesday at a place known for their groomers winning awards for what they do, I'm lucky I found them. They told me Bailey is a MaltiZu (Maltese and Shitzu mix), and actually had a category in their computer for that. He's gained some weight I can tell, I bet he's close to 5 pounds now. He got his crystal collar and leash not too long ago, so he's stylin'! He keeps me company and is so loving, I'm really happy we found each other.

The end of the quarter at school is almost up, about a week left, and people are passing their 2 100 speed tests to move on to the next speed class. I've gotten close, but haven't passed even one yet. Doesn't look like I will before the quarter is up, either. I still have plenty of time to pass the tests, no one said I had to pass them this quarter, it is just hard to see people keep passing me again and again. Hence, why I need the medication to keep from falling into a deep despair.

That's about it, I didn't mean to demonize my husband, it's just that's what happened this week.

Unfriended

2011-03-08T20:55:00.000-06:00

So I unfriended my sister-in-law on Facebook, and she's not very happy. But tell me what you would do, and of course, you're going to hear it from my point of view!

She's one of those people who posts her every move on her status, and she posted how annoyed she was with paying her doctor bills. She then made a comment about doing away with insurance companies. She has a right to her opinion, except her brother, my husband, works for a health insurance company. ALL I said was to consider your brother (meaning, he would be out of a job), that he does some great things for people, and that she should sit down and have a talk with him about it some time. All I meant was about what HE did personally, I felt like I was sticking up for my husband and how hard he works.

For example, she's a teacher. If I said "let's do away with public education", wouldn't she have a right to get pissed at me for not considering that by doing so it would eliminate her job? The health care industry has been so demonized that it's okay to say whatever terrible thing you want about it, even to your own family members who happen to work in that field, and not think of the consequences. I wasn't even suggesting we argue the point, I was simply saying "consider your brother".

So she goes on a rant about how she would NEVER (she used caps) be convinced insurance companies were a good thing, and that her and Mark would NEVER agree (with added !!! for emphasis). She also went on to say that they were in "different stages" of life. Excuse me? No, they're not. They've taken completely different PATHS. She's chosen a life as a teacher and poverty but being rewarded (or so she thought but now doesn't think so) by the joy she gets from her students. Mark has chosen a life as a corporate executive and being rewarded monetarily and by position in the company. It's been apparent for some time now that she's been bitter about his success, but she's had the same opportunities that he has had, and now, I'm assuming it's because she has kids and we don't, that she thinks we're in "different stages"? Like she's above us? No, she's not. We'll never be in her "stage". Like I said, totally different paths.

His sister, on the same facebook status comment section, said that she was not going to get drug into an argument where there would be no winner. Hello? I didn't try to debate her on anything. I made my one comment, she went off on her rant, and I didn't retaliate. When I got home from school, I unfriended her.

I told Mark what happened, and after I had posted my message before she reacted, he said "that sounds like a nice thing to say". Well of course I was upset at her attack on me, so he emailed her (without my knowledge or my prompting), and they've been emailing a small argument back and forth. She figured out I unfriended her and now she's hurt by that and told Mark she thinks she's "run me off from the family". Well yeah, I'd already considered not showing up for the holidays.

I unfriended her because when I get mad and think I've been wronged or misunderstood, I can't just get over it or let it go. Getting onto facebook and seeing her comments every day would have just made me think "is she saying that to get to me?" and crazy things like that. I unfriended her for my own sanity. I didn't respond to her outburst except by unfriending her, which apparently has really upset her.

But really, what would I like to say to her? What I just said. Mark would never say that about public education (besides to me), although yes, he thinks it.

And about health insurance! Oh my god! If she doesn't LIKE her health insurance, stop paying for the damned thing and pay your own medical bills, problem solved! If having health insurance is saving you money, they're paying for more in medical bills than YOU are paying THEM, shut the hell up! They're losing money by having you as a customer, so you're not doing them any favors by paying the small premium while they pay your huge bills. And me? I thank God every day for having health insurance and don't complain when I have to pay a percentage for a surgery and get bills in the mail. It's still WAY WAY less than what I would have had to pay without insurance, they pay for my hundreds and hundreds of dollars in psychiatric medication each month, and our insurance company is on the losing end BIG TIME when it comes to me. It must take several healthy people who don't use their insurance at all each year to average out how much I use mine.

But I don't tell her that, I didn't say that, I didn't even go there with her on health insurance. She's entitled to her opinion. I just wanted her to understand that when she says to "abolish all insurance companies" that what she's really saying is "I don't care that my brother will be out of a job".

Better Test Result Today!

2011-03-07T21:42:00.000-06:00

I only made 27 errors on the speed test I typed (in Court Reporting) I took on Friday! It's kind of sad that if I had only made 25 errors I would have passed one out of two of the tests I need to promote to the next speed class, but that's a huge improvement. I haven't taken a test in the 100 speed class where I had made less than 100 errors yet, but one person in my class thinks it's the way I'm counting my errors (we grade our own after the test from a recording of the test, whereas I took this test from a different teacher and she graded it herself). I think it was just an easy test, although the teachers always say there's "no such thing as an easy test". They say either you can write at that speed or you can't. I don't know...it just seemed so much easier, or maybe it was because it was given by a different teacher. Tomorrow is another test day. We'll see if I make less than 100 errors again. I'm not expecting to pass, but maybe that's the wrong attitude to have. This is the beginning of the 10th week out of 12 weeks in school, and only 2 weeks left to test out of the class. I don't see myself testing out of the 100 class by then. My teacher did say she would like to see me pass at least one test before the quarter ended. I was like "are you kidding? when I can't even get less than 100 errors?" But that was before the test I took on Friday.

This girl at school is so interesting, and she made a comment, that we have "similar personalities". I thought "really? because I find you so bizarre". She lives on a real farm - gets up at 3:00am and milks goats, gathers eggs from chickens, and drives 2 hours one way to school. That's not what makes her bizarre. She's been married (and divorced) 5 times, and the things she's put up with in her relationships are just strange. Like she was married to one guy for awhile before she even found out he had false teeth. How does that happen? Another guy lied and had a fake diploma from Texas A&M University, and when she called the university because she was going to get him a class ring, she found he had never attended there, and in fact, had never even finished high school. He also had a son that he gave an elaborate story as to why he was born in Galveston, just to find out from his son he was adopted. Another guy bought a marriage certificate without her knowledge and said "I bought a marriage certificate and it runs out tomorrow, so will you marry me today?" so she did. And she thinks we have similar personalities? How, exactly? She said she will never get married again, ever. I told her not to give up on love, that it wasn't men, her "picker" was off. The teacher happened to be in the room and said she sounded like someone who got so wrapped up in love that she chose to ignore red flags when they happened. She just wouldn't hear of it. I totally believe that if you don't fix what's wrong, why you're picking the wrong guy, you're destined to pick the same guy over and over again. Either that, or there's something equally wrong with HER that I don't know. The only reason I make such a big deal about it is she said "We have similar personalities, I think we should open a firm together when we graduate." I said "sure", but seriously? She's nice and all, I like her, but she's a little too overwhelming for me. I told Mark about it and he said "EVERYBODY likes KansasSunflower". I don't think that's necessarily true. I just tend to attract the...unstable, maybe. Perhaps it's because I can be unstable too, I don't know.

I take my dog with me as many places as possible, and wherever I go, girls are always ooo'ing and ahhh'ing over him. He IS a precious little dog, they always think he's a puppy, probably because he weighs less than 5 pounds, but he's 3 years old. He's so good, he lets me groom him everyday, and has finally stopped having poo accidents in the house. I took him to the vet today and in 3 weeks he's gained .2 pounds, quite significant for such a tiny dog! He's just so clingy, he follows me everywhere, I even wake up and he's laying on top of me somewhere, on my chest, on my legs, anywhere. I think I read Maltese get separation anxiety, and he definitely gets that, since he's part Maltese. He's SUCH a good dog! He got into a dog fight the other night. A section of the fence fell down between our house and the neighbor's house, and while we were trying to determine whose property it belonged to, their dog jumped into our yard, ran up to Bailey, and they started to fight. It's just a small poodle looking dog, but even a small dog is 3-4 times bigger than Bailey. I had to yank Bailey up by the lead that keeps him in the yard, so he was hanging by the lead attached to his collar. Better than getting ravaged by the neighborhood dog! Then the neighborhood dog was stuck in yard and couldn't get back into his. I had to go next door, ring the doorbell, and explain the situation. That led to a long conversation (good) with the husband, and later we figured out the fence belongs to us. Good actually. That means we can do whatever we want with it. I've already called a fence company to come and fix it, but I'd like to get a whole new fence. I'd like to get rid of the iron fence in the back, but no one in the HOA that has an iron fence has ever gotten rid of theirs, so I don't think that's an option.

I had a research paper due in English, and I wrote it on Gaddafi. I got all of my information from Wikipedia, and because I had to name 3 sources, I conveniently found them at the bottom of the Wikipedia article. I didn't copy from Wikipedia, it was my own words, but I sure wish Wikipedia existed when I was in high school!

I feel like I need to make an appointment with my therapist for my recent anxiety freak out over school, but I haven't encountered it since then, so I don't have any more symptoms. It's so hard to go and talk about symptoms that you don't have, and then get advice and see if it works when you don't have the symptoms to see you can control the emotions. I guess it could work for the next time it happens, because I'm sure it will, I'm just so unmotivated now to make that appointment. But the dentist? I think I need to go see him more urgently. It's been 8 months since I've gone.

That's about it! Just a lot of boring updates!

Major Anxiety

2011-02-28T19:43:00.000-06:00

My anxiety has kicked into double overdrive tonight. It's overwhelming, eating me alive. So far I've taken 4 klonipon, 2 Seroquel and 2 Geoden. It's better, but it hasn't gone away.

I *think* I'm freaking out about school. The quarter will be up in 3-4 weeks, and it doesn't seem like I've improved very much over this quarter. How do I know I'll improve any next quarter? Or the quarter after that? I only have 2 quarters after this one to pass this speed or I'll get kicked out of school. I'm really, really, REALLY anxious about it. What if this just isn't for me? What if it's not possible for me to pass it? Hmmm...seems like my pastor just talked about the "what ifs". What did he say, I was thinking at the time it was perfect, I just wish I could remember what he said. Probably something about how worrying is not trusting in God, but I'm just guessing.

Everyone who progresses at my same speed or slower than me ends up dropping, so all I'm left with to compare myself against is people who speed past me. People say this is a lot like golf, you can't compare yourself to others, only against your own performance. Well, I don't play golf so that analogy is lost on me. The teachers also tell me it's not a race, it's who passes the finish line, but what if I can't even pass this speed?

Mark said I always do this at every speed, start panicking and freaking out, thinking I can't pass the speed and then I do. But I don't remember thinking it like this before. Perhaps I should check back in blog, blogs are good for that.

I think it may be time to go back to counseling. This anxiety is awful, and I don't think medication is the answer. I need to fix what is broken in my thinking.

Kurt

2011-02-28T05:12:00.000-06:00

I've been up since 2:30 (it's now 3:30) which is so strange for me. Since cutting out caffeine from my diet, except for early in the morning, I've been sleeping well. I had an idea though - I took Pamprin before bed, so I checked the label, and it has caffeine in it! I can't believe the smallest amount makes such a difference in my sleep, but it really does. I guess now I have to check labels before I take anything at night.

My poor dog! After treating him for bordetella he contracted at the shelter, we then found out he had tapeworm! It was simple enough to treat - gave him one pill from the vet, and it didn't seem to cause him any discomfort at all. But it's got me to thinking - the vet said he got tapeworm from a flea - what did this little dog endure before he even got to the shelter? My mind has been going wild! Running through the streets, cold, shivering, nothing to eat, dodging cars, running through fields with ticks and fleas, searching for places to sleep, running from mean people. Who knows how long he was "on the run" before being picked up. It makes me want to spoil him even more.

I'm watching Nirvana's MTV Unplugged concert from 1993 (again). It's so fascinating to me. If someone were to ask me what bipolar depression LOOKED like, I would point to Kurt Cobain in this concert. Disheveled, wearing an oversized gray sweater, greasy hair, melancholy look, not looking at the audience but constantly down or with eyes shut, uncomfortable in his own skin, set decorated with black lit candles and flowers, kind of looking like a funeral, playing songs about a tortured soul. Mark came down the stairs and said he could hear the music all the way up there, and I commented on how tortured Kurt was, and he said sure, from heroin, and I said maybe, but something had to torture him to LEAD him to heroin. His songs are enough to depress someone who isn't on heroin, I totally didn't get it when he was alive, but then again, I hadn't experienced a bipolar depression when he was alive. Or maybe....you don't realize how tortured someone's soul really is until they commit suicide. Then you look back on their music in a different light. I don't agree with Mark though, he sings a song called "Lithium", how he stops taking it and what happens. There's even a channel on Sirius for alternative music called "Lithium" named after the song, so obviously Kurt took Lithium at some point. I can totally relate to the song - it makes me not want to stop taking my medication, that's for sure!

Lithium - Nirvana

I'm so happy 'cause today
I found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, that's okay
'Cause so are you
Broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday
For all I care
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found God

I'm so lonely, that's ok
I shaved my head
And I'm not sad
And just maybe
I'm to blame for all I've heard
I'm not sure
I'm so excited
I can't wait to meet you there
And I don't care
I'm so horny, that's okay
My will is good

I like it I'm not gonna crack
I miss you I'm not gonna crack
I love you I'm not gonna crack
I killed you I'm not gonna crack

I like it I'm not gonna crack
I miss you I'm not gonna crack
I love you I'm not gonna crack
I killed you I'm not gonna crack

Valentine's Day Gift

2011-02-22T15:46:00.000-06:00

On February 12th, the Saturday before Valentine's Day, Mark said he had his present for me ready and we had to go somewhere to get it. He gave me a time to be ready - 1:15p, and to wear something comfortable, like a sweatshirt. I had no idea where we were going, I asked do I wear makeup? I was wondering, are we getting a massage, should I be extra careful when shaving? He then took one towel - just ONE, and said we were ready to go. I was so confused by the "one towel" thing, shouldn't we need one for each of us?

We then went to lunch at an Italian restaurant, and I assumed we were going to one part of town, but he went in a completely different direction. I was so confused. He was going down sidestreets and places in residential areas, I had no idea what he was doing. He then handed me a card which I opened, and it was about the love of a dog, and on the inside was a dog tag which said "this is a daily my reminder of my love to you". Then I looked up and we had arrived at Operation Kindness, a no-kill animal shelter.

I started crying, I've wanted another dog for exactly 5 years, our last beloved dog died on February 13th 2006 (I can check in my blog to be sure), but Mark's heart was so broken he's never even let me consider getting another one. I've begged and begged for one, but he just couldn't deal with the possibility of his heart being ripped out again one day. Until now. His idea of getting a dog is to rescue one that needs a home, which I'm totally in agreement, so now was the time to find one!

They were very careful about who they let adopt their dogs, they asked us tons of questions. Mark warned me about this before we went in, and told me not to tell them it was a gift, that was a big red flag for them. I guess he'd done his research. I wanted a small dog so we went to that area, and there were a lot of barking dogs, I fell in love with all of them, but there was this one tiny mop of a dog just curled up sleeping that melted my heart, and I asked if I could see him. We had to go back to the front to get another person for that, I got anxious that someone else would pick him before we got there!

They got him for us, put him on a leash, and as my hand went out to pet him, he pulled his head back, as if he were scared. I felt so bad for him! Mark finally picked him up and pet him and seemed better. We talked and talked about the dog - he's about 3 years old, part Maltese and part Shitz Zu (very tiny), housebroken, came from a city shelter to Operation Kindness, etc. He was so quiet and still, I don't know why I didn't think this dog was simply really sick.

They took a picture of us with the dog, they entered our information onto his microchip, we paid for him, then we went to the pet store to buy everything his little heart desired! We spent so much, but he needed everything, and I always buy the best. When I got home, I spent more money on him on the internet.

He had this funny little cough every once in awhile, but I didn't think a lot about it. I took him to the vet (he had already had all his shots, neutered, etc. at the shelter) but I wanted him completely checked out. He finally did his funny little cough there with the vet standing in front of him, and she said just to be sure, she would prescribe him medicine for bordetella, considering where he had been and being that he's underweight (4.5 pounds).

I couldn't get his prescription filled at the people pharmacy - they didn't have the correct dosage, and that night, his cough got really bad, it scared me. I actually didn't know it was a cough at first, I thought he was choking on something and just froze with him in my lap, it didn't sound like he was breathing, just choking, and Mark took him from me and took him outside until he stopped coughing. I called the Animal Hospital, thinking he needed to go there, but they told me no, it's like having bronchitis for a person.

So I took him back to the vet the next day, and she gave me medicine that she could prescribe and hydrocodone for coughing (weird, they don't do that for people). Turns out he does have a bad case of bordetella (kennel cough). The calm, lethargic dog I saw at the kennel really WAS sick, he's now a little spark plug with tons of energy and a charming personality.

Mark said he's still in "rescue mode", but wow, all the money we've spent - vet bills, grooming bills, pet store, internet shopping, shelter donation (more than you're thinking it would be, it's not cheap), medication, it's well over $1000. But he's totally worth it, he has so much love to give, and we have so much love to give to him, it's a perfect fit.

Except we have this huge backyard, just perfect for a dog, but not one that weighs 4.5 pounds. He can slide under the tiniest crevice. That may be what happened to him in the first place. So I'm not sure if we'll end up getting a new fence (although our Homeowner's Association wants an iron fence in the back, which he is little enough to slip through the rods), if that will even be enough. I get so mad at the HOA sometimes, it's our freaking house, why can't we have what we want. We pay people to do our lawn and garden, everything looks nice which should be where they come in, so if we want a certain fence, why can't we have it? It's our land! What do WE even pay THEM for? To come to our yard and measure any weeds in our garden to see if they should send us a citation or not? We've gone both ways, a yes! your yard looks great! postcard, and several years ago, a postcard that said hey, you need to weed your garden! when the weeds were barely even there, we had a freaking gardener coming every week! They are a Nazi-type organization when it comes to your lawn.

I took a test today at school and did really horribly. I have to make up all of these hours that school was closed due to icy roads - 22 hours to be exact. I made up 2 hours today. So I go in an hour early and stay an hour late. Getting to school by 7:00am is going to kill me, I can tell.

I've discovered a cure to my sleeping problem! No caffeine after around noon! I started drinking Mark's Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale at night because I was tired of my Diet Dr. Pepper, and it doesn't have caffeine, and have been falling asleep right away. I didn't know why my sleeping problem had gone away until last night. I got a Diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's last night around 5:00p, drank the large soda until around 7:00p, and then I couldn't sleep almost all night. I don't care that I couldn't sleep last night, I just hope I discovered a cure to my sleeping problem!

Other than that, I'm happy to have my dog, hugely disappointed in my performance at school, happy with my relationship, no bipolar symptoms that I am aware of unless being down on yourself about school counts, and I don't know. What to do about school. Why doesn't it seem like I progress as fast as others?

Life's Bumpy Road

2011-02-09T22:17:00.000-06:00

Mark and I were talking about Valentine's Day that's coming up, and he shared with me that he didn't used to get very many valentine cards from kids in school, although he always gave one to everyone else in his class. When I was growing up, it was the rule to give one to everyone, but not at his. It seemed like it was a cause of hurtful feelings for him when he was a child.

So I bought a whole box of valentines and on the back, wrote different reason that I love him and have been hiding them all over the house. If he didn't get them when he was a kid, then I can make sure he gets a TON of them now! He has absolutely LOVED it! I think the messages I've left on the back mean the most, but getting tons of valentines makes him happy too. It's so funny, I can spend a lot of money on a gift for him and he can think it's just okay, but the most inexpensive gifts that require thought and are sentimental mean so much more to him.

He's been having a rough time at work - he expects nothing short of perfection from himself, and is crushed beyond belief when he does not achieve it. The tiniest thing can upset him for days. It reminds me of when I worked for the Big 4, constantly working for that next promotion, putting my all, every waking moment, every emotion, all of my being into my job. And when I didn't get the promotion I was expecting, it led me into the downward spiral of depression that put me into the hospital. I think he's more together than that, he actually bounces back, but it makes me realize that I've put up walls around myself to make sure that never happens to me again. I may work hard at something, but I don't completely give myself to anything. I'm too scared I'll fail and end up back in the psych ward. It doesn't mean I don't work as hard as I can at something, I just don't....let it all go. I don't let myself hope, let myself dream, not anything like I used to. I once thought the world was my oyster, I don't dare go down that path again. I think I'm capable of great things in a career, but I'll never give all of myself to it ever again. And maybe, that's not even healthy emotionally.

We had another school closing today, so ANOTHER ice day at home, but this time Mark was in Chicago. He should be home any minute. So I spent the day not leaving the house, being bored out of my mind, watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills repeats. I should have practiced, but I didn't, so now I don't even want to test tomorrow. No one says I have to type up my test, so maybe I won't. The test I typed up on Tuesday was only 6 less errors than my previous test, but I had been home for 4 days and then the weekend too, so at least I didn't go backwards. No one says I have to pass two 100wpm tests by the end of the quarter, I just WANT to. Mark says I'm already freaking out about it and should stop, I'm having panic attacks already, but I just like to see movement in a forward direction.

With Mark taking the tiniest thing so seriously at work, I suggested that maybe he needed a distraction, something outside of work that would change his priorities. So I brought up the baby idea again. He said he wasn't okay with me taking my current medication while pregnant, and he thought I'd fall apart without it. We went to a different psychiatrist who told me, with him sitting there, that I needed mood stabilizers. The thing is, I told him I feel FINE, and have had basically no symptoms to speak of for quite some time now. He said how do you know you wouldn't if you stopped taking your medicine? I said there was only one way - to stop taking it. He said he didn't want to go through what we went through when I went to the hospital, and I can't imagine what it must be like for the significant other who has to watch their loved one as they deal with suicide idealation for months. No, I would not want to take that chance again if the shoe was on the other foot. And I realize I may be feeling good BECAUSE of the medication, that's what my psychiatrist would tell me and does tell me. I know the #1 reason bipolars go off their meds is because they start to feel fine and think they don't need their meds anymore, only to relapse, perhaps worse than when they started taking medication. But it wouldn't be forever, just nine months. Well maybe longer, I couldn't take them while we tried to conceive. Doesn't matter, it takes two people to want to have a baby, and that's not the case.

Mark has been going to church with me every Sunday - he actually wants to go to church more than I do, and I don't know if I would go to church every Sunday if it wasn't so important to him. I do get a lot out of it - last week's message was about marriage, what couple couldn't benefit from words of wisdom on how to improve their marriage? But most of the things they suggested we already do except pray together at least 2 times a week. Like make sure we have a date night once a week - we've done that forever. At the end of the service, they had little "date night" packets for men to pick up for ideas. Yes, it's all about Scripture and the way God wants us to live our lives, but I what I love about our church is that they make it practical to how we live our daily lives and can put it into practice right away.

Well that's about it, guess I'll to school tomorrow, ho hum.

Great Ice and Snow Storm of 2011

2011-02-04T20:45:00.000-06:00

The weather has been CRAZY! I've never experienced anything like this, even when I lived in Kansas, and I now live in Texas! I've been home for 4 days - I've missed school for 4 consecutive days because of ice and snow. Talk about serious cabin fever! Luckily I had just gone to the grocery store on Monday, the day before the ice storm. Actually, I was getting my daily yogurts from McDonalds early Tuesday morning when it started - the wet "rain ice", sort of like sleet but it started out a bit more wet. I went to the 24 hour McDonalds and they were closed, and I was confused. I knew the weather was supposed to get bad, but the streets were dry, it wasn't snowing, what could possibly be wrong? So I stopped at 7-11 and bought some twinkies, and right when I was leaving, it hit. I was pelted by ice fast and hard, people were running to get out of it, and I couldn't get into my car fast enough. This was at about 5:00am, and by 6:00am or so on Tuesday, school was cancelled and Mark had decided to stay home. On the news, they said do not leave your house, but I had no idea that it would last so long.

The roads were just beginning to clear up, although the temperature hadn't gotten above freezing, and then a freak snowstorm happened overnight last night - we got 6 inches or so. Maybe not a lot to many, but for us, that's huge. We don't own snow shovels, heck, many people don't even own a winter coat! But I had heard on the news that if it snowed it wouldn't hamper driving, it would just be snow, not ice.

So I got up this morning very early as usual and went on my normal trek to McDonalds for yogurt. I thought "they were right, it's totally driveable", and then listened to the traffic channel as they were reporting all of the exits that were closing. Our neighborhood is very hilly, but to get out of our gated community, it's mostly downhill, so I'd had no problem. Right outside of the gates is the first hill going up, and that's when I had problems and got stuck. My car could not make it up the hill. I went in reverse and went back through the gates (luckily they were open), and tried to go back up the street I had just come down and got stuck again. I reversed once more and tried the next street, I couldn't go up the hill there either. Hills are pretty in the neighborhood until it's icy.

I had to park my car and WALK back home. I hadn't put on a coat, I was just wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, but luckily I had on tennis shoes. Normally I wake up in the morning and put on sandals with bare feet. It was a bit of a walk, an eerily quiet and dark walk, and the only thing I really wished I'd had was gloves. But I don't even OWN a pair of gloves, why would I? It doesn't get cold enough here to ever need them! Mark was working from home, and he walked to get my car and was able to drive it back home later. It's times like these I question having a sports type car (a BMW with a turbo engine) because it is AWFUL in inclement weather. But really, when in the world would you ever expect weather like this here?

4 days stuck in the house, without anything for breakfast. The only time we left the house was when Mark took me in his Range Rover on Wednesday to a gas station/corner store a few blocks away and I bought doughnuts for the next morning.

We finally left tonight in the Range Rover for our Friday night "date night" - to a restaurant nearby. We take our date night very seriously. It was AWESOME to be out of the house, I felt giddy. I hated all of the food we have to eat, tired of reading news on the Internet (I know just about everything there is to know about Egypt now) tired of reading people's Facebook posts because I have nothing better to do, and really, just tired of this freaking cold weather. If I wanted cold weather, I would have stayed in KANSAS! Not that I don't love Kansas, I do, it's where my heart is, but I'll never move back. Living here has too many luxuries that I have grown accustomed to.

So now the Super Bowl is here on Sunday, and I feel just horrible for everyone that planned it for so long - the weather has really ruined it for businesses, and who knows how many people bought tickets that now can't even attend because of the inclement weather all over the country. A time for our city to shine has turned out to be a disaster. I'm glad we didn't buy tickets when they went on sale last year - I don't really care about either team. To go to the Super Bowl would be awesome, it's just that it would be more awesome if MY team were in it.

I always thought I was a homebody - I was SO WRONG. I need interaction with people, more than just Mark who spent all day every day on conference calls. But I did find out that I wake up to eat breakfast around 5-ish, and can then go back to bed and sleep until at least 11. Every day. No matter how much sleep I've had the night before. I'm truly not a morning person.

I think everyone is tired of the weather - including the kids. Normally when it snows a mere 2 inches, we have snowmen up and down all the streets in the neighborhood. I have yet to see one this time, I would think the kids would be excited just to get out of the house after school closings for 4 straight days. But it's just too miserable.

We live in Texas, not Duluth Minnesota! Which, by the way, is the coldest I've ever been when I visited.

Forgiveness

2011-01-30T21:03:00.000-06:00

We went to church today, and there was a message that really hit home. It was about forgiveness, and that is probably my biggest weakness. People who have wronged me in the past I find it very difficult to forgive. I told my counselor that I needed to forgive my mother, and she asked me why I thought I hadn't. I couldn't give her a good reason.

I learned today that forgiveness isn't an emotion. That's what I had been looking for - a peace to pass over me, no more anger towards that person (more specifically, my mother). I could still have emotions when I thought about that person after I forgave them - anger, sadness, etc., and that was normal.

The next part was a bit harder. Grace is about forgiving people, the way God forgives us of our sins, completely, no matter what. He said it doesn't matter what you've done, God forgives us, and we should do the same for others, otherwise how we can expect God to do that for us? Yes, I get that part. But he said forgiveness was NOT about "enabling" people, such as enabling them to hurt you again. For example, so you're in an abusive situation or your spouse cheats on you, that doesn't mean you should forgive them AND let them continue to do these things to you, and continue forgiving them time and time again.

So where that gets hard was the last step in forgiveness, reconciliation "when it makes sense". That's the caveat, "when it makes sense". If I do truly forgive my mother and reach out to her, I think she will hurt me again like she has done over and over the previous times I've tried to connect with her, so doesn't that mean I would be enabling her to hurt me again?

Many years ago my counselor suggested I cut all ties with my mother, grieve the loss for her as if she had died, and discontinue trying to make contact with her. I would never have a positive relationship with her. So I did, and it's not like she was calling me and I wouldn't answer the phone, I just stopped reaching out to her and nothing happened. She just never tried to reconcile with me, I assume she has never wanted to, and yet I was the one who was abused. It's never made sense to me.

But many many years have passed since I've tried to contact her, she's never tried to contact me during this time. If I really want to progress in my faith, shouldn't I be the better person and at least send her a letter letting her know I no longer feel no ill will towards her? Even that might be offensive to her, I don't believe she feels that I have any reason to feel negatively towards her. Everything that happened went on when she was on drugs and she may have been totally oblivious to it all, as a matter of fact, she could still be under the influence of drugs. As a nurse, I find that hard to believe she would be so in her profession, but maybe that's why she became a nurse.

What would be so bad about sending her a very short, simple letter, and not expect anything back in return. I will have done my part, and can feel comfort that I tried. I have absolutely zero expectations that anything would come of it, except maybe it would be a good way to begin the healing process. Maybe I would stop being so bitter.

The pastor also said to pray for people you need to forgive, wish good things for them, and I know in my case when I pray good things for people, it completely changes my attitude towards them. But do you know how hard it is to pray good things to happen for my mother? I don't want good things for her. I've always wanted her to suffer the way she made me suffer. I try to see things through her eyes, but I just don't understand how a mother could let her husband treat her daughter the way she did.

It doesn't really matter, I need to find peace in this, it's gone on for decades now. I think Mark is worried about my attempting any sort of reconciliation with her, he doesn't want to see me fall apart. But maybe God is telliing me that now the time is right, and I should make the first move. I've lived so long - since I was 16 - without her in my life, having a mother now would seem strange, and we could never have a normal relationship. The trust between us would never be there.

I'm afraid to send a simple letter consisting of maybe 3-4 lines and regretting it later, when I feel so much anger towards her again and regret sending it. If I have no expectations, don't even want a normal relationship with her and don't assume she will ever answer or make a move on her part, why would I get hurt? The lies she must have told everyone about me, I can't even imagine.

I broke down at church today crying, it is such a sensitive topic to me. But the pastor gave me such practical life steps to take on forgiving, more than any counselor has ever given me. Counselors don't really give advice, they ask you questions and let you discover your own answer about what to do with their guidance.

I'm not going to do anything right away, I was born with two toxic parents, lucky me, but I don't have to live with resentment and anger my whole life. It's just...if I make a move in this direction, I'm afraid of what emotions it will conjure and if I can handle it. Maybe I'll wait and talk to a counselor before I do something. After all, the paster didn't know my exact situation.

Curse? Blessing?

2011-01-27T20:38:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday at church, the pastor talked about counseling younger people and finding out they had blocked out hurtful feelings, but at the same time, they also blocked out joy, leaving them "numb". On the way home, Mark confided this was him, although he said he was trying to get better. I would say this is him to the "nth" degree - we can't even get a pet because losing one 4 years ago is still too hurtful to him and he's built walls around anything getting that close to him again.

I told him that was NOT me, I felt too much, if anything. I get teary eyed every Sunday at church at the smallest things - a song, a baptism, anything could spark emotion in me. He said that was a big attraction to me for him - that I was able to feel emotion so freely. I thought "seriously? Does he totally not 'get it'"? I told him no, I'm not normal, I take medication because I feel TOO MUCH. My highs are too high, but mostly, my lows are too low. But when I think about it, if I were given the choice to be like him - to feel very little and put walls up, or to be like myself and be moved by the smallest thing, I think I would choose to FEEL. If you can't feel pain, you can't fully appreciate joy or happiness either. Maybe I feel those on a hugely diverse scale compared to most, but would I change it? I would change the label - I do not want to be this horrible disease called "bipolar". I do not want to take medication every day. But I want to FEEL. I want to be moved. I want to cry at sad movies, at events at church, laugh so hard that I can't stop and people comment how much they love hearing me laugh. Wild abandon!

But tonight - I found myself drawn to the "dark side", it can happen so quickly. I was simply watching videos on youtube, and it led me to some dark artists with dark songs. All of a sudden I noticed I was being drug into a deep pit, with a black cloud forming above me. Music can be a trigger for me. I was startled when I recognized it, all I had done was listen to a few music videos. But that's all it takes with me to drag me down, and if I let it continue, eventually I won't be able to get back out of it. So immediately I closed youtube and picked up my Kindle, eager to get my mind on anything else but those dark thoughts and feelings. I think it worked, I feel okay now, but it scared me for a bit. You never know when you start feeling that way if it will linger. The trick is to catch it in time - go to the doctor, ANYTHING, but do it as fast as you can before it spirals out of control and there's no stopping it.

Feeling too much. Strange that after 13 years, I would find out something about my husband that I didn't know was such an attraction he had to me. But you know, if given the choice, I wouldn't give it up. Maybe what some would consider a curse, God actually gave me as a blessing.

Dropouts

2011-01-24T22:22:00.000-06:00

I always panic a little bit when I enter my email and password for blogger, and I get the message that they are incorrect. It has always been a user error, but that doesn't keep me from being alarmed for a few seconds.

It's the beginning of the week, and so far it's started out well. I had been using a different kind of over the counter sleeping medication, and I'm wondering if that was what was making me so lethargic and hungry. I switched to what I was previously taking, and now I seem back to normal. It's only been since the weekend though.

I took a speed test today, and made 120 errors. Yes, that's not very good, but considering that 3 weeks ago I made 220 errors, that's a huge improvement. I got out of bed this morning and made it to school on time too! But...Mark had to wake me up, I didn't even know my alarm had gone off and I'd been pressing snooze for 45 minutes. I think I finally fell asleep last night around 2-ish. So my alarm going off at 5:15 and not waking me up seems plausible.

People are dropping out of school left and right. Of my class that started in January 2010 of 15 students, there are only 3 of us left, maybe 4 if the person who went part time is still enrolled. I can't believe that in one year's time, 11-12 students have dropped out. The latest reason seems to be that people can't handle progressing speed-wise as fast as they want, or seeing other people that have been going to school for less time than they have be promoted to the next speed level before them. At the rate of dropouts that I've seen, I totally get what my teachers have been telling me. It's not a race, but who actually crosses the finish line. I must admit, it's hard not to compare yourself to others, wonder why they are so much more successful than you are, and decide maybe this just isn't for you. Perhaps ego gets in the way, or jealousy, so much so that they can't deal with it and drop out. From the beginning, I've had to struggle to pass every single test, not breeze through the first 2 or so, so I learned from the beginning how hard it was going to be, where most expected to pass speed tests every few weeks like they had in the beginning. What upset me so much and left me crying at school because I wasn't keeping up with others in my class has turned out to be a big advantage to me. I don't feel upset when people achieve goals quicker than I do. When I got into the 100 class, a student actually made a comment to the teacher that if I passed my tests before she did, she would kill herself. Everything is so emotional, people get really freaked out about passing these speed tests. During testing, someone had brushed back their hair, causing another student to lose concentration, and it led to an actual fist fight. One teacher told me that someone had opened the door during testing, and someone was furious because it let light in and it broke their concentration. I have to admit, I get mad when people distract me too. If they aren't writing during the test, but fiddling with their paper or their machine, I have to bite my lip when the test is done not to say something horribly mean. If someone coughed? Oh my gosh, I don't know what I would do. But if I coughed or had a coughing spell? I worry about that, too, because the class would probably lynch me afterwards.

Mark and I have been getting along really well, I think going to church together has made our bond stronger. I totally do not get out of church as much as he does, it seems he takes every message as a life lesson and applies it immediately, where I listen and it does give me strength, but it's more like food for thought. I have "aha!" moments. At any rate, it's been a positive influence on both our daily lives, and whether someone believes in God or not, I still think the life lessons they teach would help anybody. Or maybe not. It's founded on Scripture and faith, so maybe you have to believe to accept it. Maybe for me, I'm learning that to believe in God doesn't mean you need to feel emotional like I've always thought, because that fades eventually.

That's about it, I feel pretty stable, not back on a good diet yet, but hopefully I'll get the willpower again soon.

Lost

2011-01-21T23:00:00.000-06:00

My eating has been out of control lately. I did so well last year - lost 34 pounds - then starting around October, I quit counting calories and my eating habits have progressively been getting worse. I was really bad yesterday - I bought turtles and chocolate covered cherries, and had both boxes polished off today. Maybe now I've disgusted myself badly enough to get me "back on the wagon". I definitely feel gross and disgusting, I can tell my clothes don't fit as well, and I don't feel as good about myself. I'm afraid to get back on the scale, but I know it will be the catalyst to get myself back into gear. It's just...what has increased my appetite or made food so appealing?

I'm not doing so well in school since the beginning of the quarter in January either. It's not grade wise, I have a high A in English, and I guess I'm doing ok in my speed classes, I just keep missing class. I stay home and sleep, then get up and feel guilty thinking "I could have gone to school and been home by now". I don't know if it's because people who have been going to school a lot less time than I have are passing me in speed or what my deal is. I think I've resigned myself to that fact, that I'm not going to be the fastest, that I can't be the "best" in that area, but maybe it's affecting me more than I know. However, it's affecting other students much more than it does me. Several students who see people pass them that have been going to school for less time than they have quit going on ground and go online. They can't deal with it - I guess sitting in class and perhaps feeling like a failure. Out of sight, out of mind, I don't really know. It's been drilled into my head by many teachers that it's a destination, not a race, and I know the percentage of people who actually graduate is so very small, maybe 6-9% that enroll. Yes, it's really that hard. There are so many things to discourage you, like failing test after test, week after week, until you finally pass, just to move up to the next speed to start failing again. I just need to motivate myself to GO. Right now I'll deal with not practicing at home, I just need to make it to school!

Mark thinks I'm depressed right now. I do go to bed a lot in the middle of the day. I always give him different reasons besides being sleepy: I'm cold and want to get under the covers, I'm bored, it varies, just anything so I can lay down and snuggle in bed. The bed is so comforting to me right now. I can leave my stress or worries behind when I'm in bed, except for when I go to bed at night. Then my mind races and it's hard to go to sleep. I don't know why at that time it's different. But I'm not listening to depressing music or anything like that, I just want to be in bed all the time.

I used to not take showers all the time in the past, but have been doing much better lately. But now when I lounge around on a weekend and don't take a shower, it really bothers Mark. I don't know why now it bothers him, and before he wouldn't say anything about it. He'll make comments like "don't you have any respect for yourself?" things like that. I don't know, do I? I should want to at least make myself decent for him since we're married and live together, it seems like the polite thing to do, but it is also a lot of energy on some days.

We've been going to a church I picked out for several months now, but Mark is getting much more out of it then I am. I was the one who decided to go to church, picked out the one I wanted to go do and Mark just followed me. Now I don't get a lot out of it, and Mark takes to heart each message and applies it directly to his life week after week. He had a work crisis recently, and believes his faith and prayer pulled him through. Sure, attitude has a lot to do with everything. If I really think about it, I started going to church to make friends with the same values I have, but have failed in that department. I don't go to a smaller group before church where I could make new friends. So I basically stay isolated from the world at my own choosing. The weird thing is, I've always been an extrovert. I don't know when or why that changed. Don't get me wrong, if I decide I want to talk to someone, I can start a conversation and keep it going with just about anyone, I just don't have the desire to bond with someone right now. I may have those conversations, and maybe people believe I get to know them, but I never let them in to get to know ME. Why I have walls up I have no idea. I was hoping to change that by going to church.

I stopped going to therapy - I just went twice. I'm sure it would have been helpful, and I may go back later, in a few months when things are better financially. I just feel like, because I don't have an issue to talk about besides my anxiety during tests which I don't have right now because I'm not close to passing, we really don't have anything to talk about. Sure, she wants to talk about my childhood, but I really don't want to talk about that. Yet, I know that is the basis for a lot of my problems. Why can't she tell me the name of a book to read, and then I go in and we discuss THAT? I've asked her for a book name, and she scanned pages from a book that applied to me and sent them to my email address. I think she scanned the corresponding pages in a workbook for it too, because it was something I filled out and took with me to the next visit. I thought about buying the book I think it is, but then thought, perhaps the whole book isn't for me, or she'd had given me the name so I could read it.

That's about it - still taking over the counter sleeping meds at night, but I don't think it's because I sleep during the day. When I don't sleep during the day, the exact same thing happens to me at night.

I just need some major changes in my life, and I feel a bit lost right now.

Just Okay

2011-01-13T22:05:00.000-06:00

I'm back in school, taking English Comp 1 (for the third time, I don't know why schools won't accept previous credits), and in the 100 speed class (Court Reporting). I took the first speed test after being out for 3 weeks, and made over 200 errors! I was upset, but not freaking out crying upset. I tried to work out a plan to pass this speed by the end of the quarter. Today I took another speed test, and made 158 errors. That's still a whole lot, but 60 less than just 2 days ago. My plan was to make 20 errors less a week which would get me to passing by the end of the quarter, so I'm well on my way.

I feel so bad for Mark. He's been going to church with me, praying, pouring his heart and soul into his job, and now work isn't going so well for him. It really hurts me to see him hurting, to know he's going to a job that he hates being at every day to make a living for us. I told him I would drop out of school and get a job so he could get another job that paid less, but he refused to let me drop out of school. I know how hard it can be to put everything into your job to find out it's not enough, to work towards a goal and not achieve it - it was the trigger that sent me to the psych ward 9 years ago. Knowing he could be that unhappy kills me. But...perhaps once I graduate and get a job it will be better than any job I could get now, being unemployed for over 2 years, and I can then help. He's one of the smartest and ambitious people I know. I wish he could find something he loved doing that utilizes his talents, not that they aren't being utilized now, but with technology, he's such a natural. I wonder how you could combine the two - hands on technology with high level strategic leadership. Maybe run your own business?

I've been going to therapy, but I think I'll stop for now. I don't have any pressing issues, and I don't want to burden the family income any more than it already is. Mark talks about selling his Porsche and I know how devastated he would be if he had to do that, so the luxury of counseling can come later. Besides, it just makes me think about the past and gets me all worked up and emotional, anger mostly. Perhaps that means I should keep going, but if I don't go and don't talk about it, the memories don't come flooding back and I don't have to deal with them. I think cognitive behavior therapy is still a good answer for me, and I'm considering buying a book about it. I think I found one that comes with a workbook.

Last session, we did touch a bit on why I felt old and why it bothered me so much. I told her a big part of it is that Mark is 7-8 years younger than me and it made me feel old, but if he was older than me, I wouldn't worry that he would want a younger woman or view me as old. She asked me why can't I believe that he loves me for who I am, not my age. I'd never considered that before, I guess I'd always thought it was more superficial than that. You see all the time on television, in movies, how men want younger women, how they leave their wives for younger women, how older women are viewed negatively. I look and look in the mirror to see signs of aging constantly. Because Mark is younger, men my own age look kind of old to me. Not in a bad way, they just look, well, older. So doesn't that mean I look older too? Of course it does.

I'm trying to get back on my diet that I was on last year when I lost 36 pounds (but gained some of it back over the holidays), but can't seem to get that strict again. I think I've finally stopped gaining and am just maintaining, but that's so not good enough. I wish I could just buy phentermine on the internet like I used to do. When I read back through my blog entries during that time, though, I see how big of an issue anxiety was for me. It consumed me. Every medication has its' side effects, I'm sure.

I've already missed 3 days of school because I was just too tired to go. I got my days and nights turned around during the 3 week holiday, and now that I'm forcing myself to go no matter what, it's really hard. But if I had a job, I'd have no choice, so I'm doing the best I can. I hope every day gets a little easier, but so far, all I do is long to go back to bed. Maybe that's normal and I got lazy.

That's about it, nothing major going on, pretty stable I suppose, kind of blah. But "okay" overall. I cherish "okay" though - "okay" means I'm not in the deep dark depths of depression!

New Year - 2011

2011-01-03T23:51:00.000-06:00

I weighed myself at the start of the new year - January 1st - and I weighed 175.4. That's 20 pounds lighter than January 2010. However, that means I've gained 14 pounds from earlier in the year when I weighed 161. So it's a toss up, not sure if I should celebrate or reprimand myself. I guess I should look at it as I can always go down (weight wise) from here.

Mark and I spent the New Year's Eve at home eating cheese and crackers with wine until midnight, then went to bed. Apparently he had gone to bed last year around 10, his normal time, and I had given him a lot of grief about it. I totally don't remember that, but he stated many times he was making it a point to stay up until midnight to escape my wrath (haha!).

Tomorrow is my first day back at school in almost 3 weeks, and I have only practiced once. It will be HORRIBLE tomorrow! I know she will ask me to read back, and I won't be able to read hardly anything because I'll just get a word here and there of what she says when she dictates. I guess the two girls who were kicked out last quarter for attendance will be back tomorrow. I'll be glad to see them - I hope they'll make coming to school a priority this time.

Mark and I went to church last Sunday, and I was kind of bored with the message. When we got to the car, Mark was remarking how great he thought it was and asked what I thought. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and said it was alright I guess. He didn't really blow up at me, but he said if I wasn't getting anything out of going to this church, why didn't I choose a new one? Why continue to go? That's so unfair, every single message they have every Sunday (and this week was a guest speaker) isn't going to blow me away. Sometimes I'll feel like they just don't hit home, I don't think every one is meant for me, right? Like this week it was about "wisdom". He brought up many many many scriptures that talked about wisdom. I kept waiting for him to say wisdom about WHAT, but then I realized that over half of the message was probably over, and he wasn't going to say. Sure, he talked about reading the Bible, but isn't that a given? And I go to school, I'm in therapy, I go to church - my life is a constant breeding ground for new knowledge. I'm not trying to knock the message about "wisdom", just saying, it's great that he found it so enlightening for whatever reason that I'm not explaining here because I didn't, but that doesn't mean I don't find other messages enlightening. It doesn't mean I'm not going to pray for wisdom, that was a great idea, I just wish he would have given examples of reasons when you would pray for wisdom. "Pray for wisdom" and reading so many scriptures, talking about why wisdom was important to seek in your life, that's great and all, but why that was so insightful to Mark I have no idea. It was like "no duh" to me. And the guest speaker had just achieved his doctorate in theology, so while I can appreciate his recent achievement, I don't understand why everyone thought it was such a great message. People applauded it and everything. I guess I'm out of the loop. If the message "pierced our hearts" and we wanted to take action, what was his suggestions? To attend the class (I forget the name) for the new Christians, no matter where you are in your journey, or a join a Life Group (it's like finding a Sunday school class in our 4000+ people congregation). I was left thinking...that's it? I have no idea why it's bothered me so much, but I think it's because of Mark's comments. I barely talked to him for several hours after that and he kept asking me what was wrong. All of that time I was thinking what was wrong with ME?

I go to my therapist tomorrow for the second time, and am not really looking forward to it. I'm actually dreading it. After my first visit, as time went by, I started to talk about my childhood more and more to Mark, it's like I couldn't stop myself. I rarely talk about my mother or step father, good or bad, yet I guess it's been on my mind and I found myself even repeating stories I'd told him before, knowing I'd told them to him before, and telling them anyway. But, it could be the holidays too, memories flooding back, but it wasn't really Christmas memories. I think it had everything to do with my first counseling visit. I really don't want to go down this road again. I don't WANT to remember, I don't want to relive, I don't want to figure things out about myself if it means I have to analyze why I am the way I am and it being because of how I was raised as a child. But I found out that is exactly true from my last visit, so I'm dreading tomorrow. I find myself in pretend conversations with my therapist in my head without realizing it. It's just me talking to her, not her giving feedback, and I don't know why. Maybe I need someone to talk to, I don't know. I really just went because I was freaking out during court reporting testing and didn't understand why. I'd talked to many teachers, tried different things, and nothing worked. I know it's psychological, it just seems like this is the long way to getting to where I want to go - being able to test without freaking out. It's weird to think it's a childhood issue, but she helped me to see during the last visit that it totally is. Which means one thing: revisiting things I do NOT want to revisit. I don't want these things constantly on my mind, I want to move on, I mean really, I'm 42 years old, do I really have to continue to deal with my childhood?
I wish I was sleepy, but I'm not. It's almost midnight, and I know the alarm clock with go off at 5:30a and after 3 weeks of waking up and going back to bed whenever I wanted to, it will be really tough. Reminds me of high school - when you would get your days and nights mixed up (sleep all day, stay up all night) until the first day of school. But somehow, it didn't seem like a big deal. However - I'm not 16 anymore.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T22:53:00.000-06:00

Christmas Eve at Mark's parents house was nice, although we stayed much longer than I would have liked. I wish I could give him what he's given me: a stable second family who loves him like his family loves me, one that is enjoyable (for the most part) to be around, giving, caring, but it just isn't that way. I feel lucky that I at least have Mark's family in my life.

His brother is about 44 or so, and his logic is beyond me, I've never met someone like him before, and in the real world, I would stay as far away from him as I possibly could. He would repel me, disgust me, but for a brother in law, he's ok. He means well in a family type way.

He is over educated, yet he lives with his parents and has no intention of getting a career or moving out. He has no ambition. I really don't care about that, if his parents enable him to live there, that's their choice, they're not doing him any favors in the long run by not insisting he be self sufficient.

But it's how he treats women that really bothers me, and he knows it. Mark says his brother likes the "shock factor" he can give me, but at the same time, he admits that's how his brother is. For instance, before he will take a girl out on a date (yes, grown women with careers and even children actually date him), he will ask them sexual questions, in particular, oral sex. I told him if he had approached me in that way, I would have slapped him, felt insulted, and that he was wrong in his approach towards women. But somehow, this all works for him. Maybe it's true, girls like the "bad boys". He told me when he was a dental assistant many years ago, he would have sex with the patients, and they would do nitrous oxide (or whatever you call it) in the office on a sleeping bag, and the dentist was having an affair. Mark was sitting right there when he whispered loudly to me about it. I just sat there with my mouth open, thinking about a dentist's office being that way. Later Mark said "but he didn't tell you the end of the story, did he?", although I knew it ended badly. He was convicted of a misdemeanor when a patient said he took advantage of her while she was under the influence and he was fired. I knew that part of the story, but always thought there was a margin where he could have been wrongfully accused. Now I know he wasn't. He got off easy in my opinion. I just make sure that none of my signals could possibly be misread by him, and that we're never alone together. But he's a nice guy as far as family is concerned, he just happens to be a jerk.

I heard this song today, and I keep hearing songs or listening to messages from pastors about how God gives us grace, and we should do the same for others. You know, forgive them no matter what they've done. The first person that always pops into my mind is my mother who I cut out of my life years ago, at a counselor's prompting. I told Mark about what I was thinking, and he said there's a big difference between forgiving someone and contacting them. I could forgive her, but that doesn't mean I should try and have a relationship with her. (Of course, emphasis on *try*) She makes me crazy mad like no one else, but of course it's because I don't think I've ever forgiven her. My current therapist called her a narcissist. But people I talk to only know her through me - what I've chosen to tell them, they don't actually know HER, and I know her side of the story is quite different than mine. But to get involved with her again, that could jeopardize my entire emotional stability. Or at least I think it would. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with what she could say that would hurt me. What would I expect or what would I want to come from trying to contact her? I'll never have a normal mother daughter relationship with her, maybe it's best I leave it alone. Yet, the thought of what I should do, what Jesus would do, keeps gnawing away at me.

I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the cartoon version) and had to turn the channel after about 15 minutes of it. It took me back to when I was a child watching it, what was going on in my life, and it was just too painful. Why on earth would I want to remember that? I thought the memories would be happy - Christmas as a kid is so magical, I wanted the Christmas spirit and thought that would be a good way to get it. Instead it just depressed me for a little while. But it made me glad to be where I am today and I felt lucky not to be in a similar situation.

I got everything I wanted for Christmas - a Kindle and a diamond cross necklace. Mark really seemed to like all of his gifts that I gave him (that he picked out himself and sent me links to order them haha!).

I'm still taking extra Geoden, even though I think I don't need it. Without it, now I can't fall asleep at night. But with it, I'm so much hungrier during the day. I don't plan on going back to the psychiatrist for a prescription for more Geoden, so once the samples are out, I'll be back on my old dosage again and be forced to stay awake until I fall asleep.

Mark took vacation for most of the time I'm out of school to spend it with me, so we're together a LOT. It works - it keeps me from getting lonely during the day by myself. School will start up too soon after the new year anyway.

Grouchy Man!

2010-12-24T02:57:00.000-06:00

We went to church tonight for a Christmas Candlelight service, and it was awesome. The message was great, the music was even better! And Jason Castro (he was on American Idol) goes to my church and sang a song, it's weird to be star struck at church, haha! There were SO MANY PEOPLE there! I don't actually like how big my church is - it holds 4,000 people and there still weren't enough seats for the service, even though we chose the service that was the day before Christmas Eve. There were people lined up against the wall in the back of the church and had to stand the whole time. I would have gotten tired, which is why we left to get there an hour early, and I couldn't believe how many people were already there! Unbelievable! I grew up in small towns in Kansas, where the congregations would be 75-100 people max, and this church is so contemporary with a band and everything, it's definitely a big change, but a change I like. I do wish it was a bit more personal though.

I think Mark gets low blood sugar or something, even though he's never been diagnosed with diabetes, because whenever he goes too long without eating, he gets very grouchy. The service was at 6:00p, so we left around 7:00p or after, way after we normally eat dinner. We then went to a restaurant, and he seemed okay but complained that he waited too long to eat. We left there and went to the grocery store so I could buy things I needed for Christmas dinner, and he actually kind of yelled or raised his voice at me in public. No one turned around or anything, but it's very humiliating. I said "did you just yell at me, in PUBLIC??" and he apologized right away, but it didn't help, I was still hurt.

Then we got to the parking lot and unloaded the groceries, and a woman came up to me (in the dark!) and was mumbling something. I had to ask her to repeat herself a couple of times, and then realized she was asking for money. I didn't know what to say, so I told her to ask my husband, he had the money. I put the cart away, went back to the car, and she was standing in between me and the car door. Mark was in the car, and she said he wouldn't look at her. No surprise there, I know how he feels about beggars. But I felt trapped, I couldn't just walk past her without making up a lie again about not having money, and we had just gotten out of church. So I gave her a little bit of money, and she commented on how embarrassing it was to ask for money, then I got into the car. Mark immediately exploded about my giving her money, and said we weren't compatible at all. He said he had always worked for everything he had, I had given money to a beggar (which in all fairness, it was his money that he had worked for, I didn't work for it), and he was pretty furious. Yes, I knew how he felt about giving money to beggars, but he also knows how I feel about it too, that sometimes people do need money, people have helped me out before although I've never begged, I've just run out of gas and people have stopped when I was walking to get gas. Strangers have helped me a lot and I've never asked, so I feel that I should return the favor to people who do need help. Besides, I don't need to know what she used the money for, God knows my intentions were good, and that's all that matters. He knows I feel this way too. But...it really wasn't my money to give away, in the fact that I didn't work for it. Yes, it's OUR money, but I think I should be respectful of the fact that he worked hard to earn it, not me.

Once we got home, he gave me a big hug and apologized, and I apologized too. He was cranky from eating late and grocery shopping so late when he is normally in bed around 9:00p. It's just that it ruined what had been such a great evening. I felt so good and positive after church, and it didn't last long at all.

I went to bed when he did, around 10-10:30, but got up and decided to make Christmas candy (chocolate peanut butter balls) around 12:30 because I couldn't sleep. I finished around 1:30-1:45, and here I sit, 2:45, still not tired. I didn't take any extra Geoden tonight, so I guess I'm not tired.

Tomorrow (Christmas Eve) we're going to Mark's parents, and strangely enough, I'm starting to look forward to going over there when I used to dread it, or just skip it altogether. I don't know what has changed. Me? Them? I have no idea. I feel more like a part of the family, maybe it's been since we got married 3 years ago, that's possible I guess. Perhaps they treat me differently, or I them, I really don't know. But it's nice to have some sort of tradition again around the holidays.

There's this box that Mark wrapped for me that I have NO CLUE what is in it. I mean I think I do, but it's not the right size and I think he tricked me and wrapped it in a bigger box. It's driving me crazy, I keep shaking it like a little kid. I want to open it right now! : )

Saw A Therpist Today!

2010-12-22T21:41:00.000-06:00

I went to a therapist today, an awesome therapist, the best I've had since I was in my 20's and went regularly, maybe even better. She trains other counselors as part of her practice, so I guess she's that good. I had called around, and one therapist seemed very squeamish about treating a person with bipolar disorder, and I've encountered therapists like that in the past. One refused to treat me, telling me my issues were chemical and she couldn't help me.

But she is familiar with treating people with bipolar disorder, I'm stable right now, and she practices cognitive behavior therapy. I learned so much on just my first visit with her! She determined at the end of the visit that I had some bad congitive thinking, and we decided to work on that.

It's SO DIFFICULT for me to go to a first visit with a new pdoc and talk about my childhood, which is what they all want to know. I usually leave feeling very remorseful about what I said, convinced they don't like me, and not sure if I want to go back. I didn't feel that way this time, but then I got a horrible headache, I couldn't stop thinking about my family, and I think instead of feeling it emotionally this time, my body was taking it out on me physically. It's very typical for my body to do that - sometimes when I'm stressed, I get eczema.

For the first time I feel hope that someone can help me. She thought it was nuts that my psychiatrist increased my dosage of Geoden when I asked for a referral to a therapist too. I told her there is nothing wrong with me, how would I even know if it worked? She told me I was an adult, just don't take it. So good to have someone give me permission to do what I don't think I should do in the first place.

She was so engaged, she even wrote on a whiteboard to describe what she was talking about!

Yes, I think cognitive behavior therapy is the answer for me. I'm not sure where this will lead, but she really understood and "got" me. It was a positive move I made today.

Perfection

2010-12-19T22:39:00.000-06:00

I'm still determined to find a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy for people with Bipolar Disorder, no matter what my psychiatrist thinks. He gave me 4 different samples of Geoden (20mg, 40mg, 60mg and 80mg) to see which additional dosage would work best for me, and it looks like 40mg, which means I'm taking 120mg now. When I took 60mg additional, I couldn't wake up, I slept all day, and I couldn't stop eating. Not quite sure if it's helping me or what it's supposed to do, I feel the same. He doesn't understand, my problem is BEHAVIOR related, I tried to tell him it wasn't something medication can fix. I need to learn how to stop what I think about myself. It seems so wasteful to take this extra medication that I don't think I need and won't help what I think needs to be fixed.

I'm thinking and thinking about what he said - how, with bipolar disorder, comes a feeling of having, what he termed "grandiose ideas", but I don't think that quite explains it. It's more like...having to be perfect. And if I'm not, I'm devastated. If I'm viewed in any way negatively by anyone, it crushes me. Of course my husband doesn't see me as perfect, he probably thinks I'm a total mess. He's the only one who sees the "true me". I don't even know how he lives with me, but at the same time, I also can't think of anyone who could possibly be easier to live with. Yes, I may have my emotional ups and downs, but I'm not a typical wife. I don't nag him to do things, I don't nag him at all to be frank. I'm very sweet to him most of the time, except when I'm difficult of course, but that is becoming fewer and fewer far between. I've never been as stable for as long a period of time as I've been this time since being diagnosed. I COULD say I'm "cured" and go off my meds, but I think I feel good BECAUSE of my meds.

Tomorrow will mark exactly one day I broke my 2 year obsessive true addiction to a computer game. I played for hours upon hours a day, putting it above everything, my job, my relationship, all from the first day I picked it up. If you've never played World of Warcraft, don't start! I STILL feel the itch to play, the longing, maybe this is how drug addicts feel, you never NOT want to stop doing what you were once addicted to. I don't know, I've never been addicted to anything except that. Not cigarettes, not drugs, not alcohol, nothing. Maybe people, perhaps I've had "love addiction" in the past, but to WoW, that was a true "intervention needed" addiction. I know for a fact that there are many, many people who play that game that make it their lives, their whole lives. That's all they do all day, day in and day out. It's an empty life, I know first hand!

We're all done with our Christmas shopping, but I never did get around to mailing the Christmas cards I bought. I found the Christmas cards that I bought last year that I didn't mail either. I wonder how many people do that - mean well and buy Christmas cards, but never actually send them?

No Therapist? Really?

2010-12-14T18:53:00.000-06:00

I just got back from the psychiastrist, and I really only went there to get refills. While I was there, I thought I'd ask for a referral to a therapist. I was sitting in the waiting room reading about cognitive bahavior therapy in WebMD for bipolar disorder, so wouldn't that be a natural request?

When I asked him for the referral, he wanted to know why I wanted to see a therapist. Gosh, where to start? I don't feel like I have that kind of relationship with him, where I can just open up to him outside of general feelings like "depression", "anxiety", "sleeplessness". So I started with school, because that's why he put me on Saphris (which made me very ill and I quit) to begin with - for concentration, as he thought it was a bipolar symptom. I told him that I wasn't motivated at school until I needed to be, and when I was, I practically freaked out over it and was overwhelmingly anxious. I didn't tell him about my panic attacks during testing, that would require me to explain how you test in court reporting school, it just seemed like too much work. So I told him I'd had to leave school a few times because I was crying so hard from failing tests, and that is why I didn't already have my bachelor degree - I would drop classes when I could tell I wasn't going to get an A. I know it sounds crazy, it does to me too, but it's true. Sometimes it wasn't simply just getting an A, it would be that I wasn't getting the BEST grade in the class, I wasn't *the* smartest.

That's not the ONLY reason I want to see a therapist, it's just the first thing that came to my mind. Anyway, he said that having feelings of grandiosity goes along with being bipolar; for example, having someone think you're ugly could be the worst possible thing. No, that's not really true. I remember in my 20's thinking if I wasn't the *prettiest* girl, that would be the worst possible thing. My 30's too I guess, but my later 30's I started to get over it. Wow that makes me sound so old, I'm 42.

So his idea was not to see a therapist even though I argued it wasn't medication, it was a *behavior*, his idea was to increase my Geodon so I would feel more calm and not feel "broken". Those were his words.

But what else could I say? Tell him that I don't go out with friends because I think I'm ugly? I have no family and feel sad about that (not depressed, just...everyone is cut out of my life because they're, well, basically losers and I refuse to get hurt intentionally over and over).

Increasing Geodon is not going to fix my problems. And these aren't urgent problems, well, maybe school is, but overall, I'm doing fine, I'm okay. I told him that when I sat down, I was only there for refills.

So I have multiple samples of Geodon to increase my dosage - 20mg, 40mg, 60mg, and 80mg to find the right dosage (on top of what I already take). So tell me, if I feel okay and I feel fine, how will I know when I have found the right dosage? I know when I will have found TOO MUCH, I won't be able to wake up in the morning. But when you feel okay, how are you supposed to know you're getting better when you're taking more medication?

It's too bad, I thought for sure he would have a great referral for a therapist that specialized in bipolar disorder for me, but now I see that maybe he doesn't believe in therapy. I don't agree with him, I *do* believe in therapy, I went for years in my 20's and I'm so much better because of it. I'd REALLY be a mess if I hadn't have had that!

So I guess I'll just research the internet or maybe call hospitals and ask for referrals for a specialist in bipolar disorder. Not sure where to start.

Passed My Test and Bold Faced Lie

2010-12-09T23:11:00.000-06:00

I passed my second 80 test today (in Court Reporting) and have promoted to the 100wpm class! Yay! My goal was to get out of that class by the end of the quarter. I was so stressed out about it that I was a ball of anxiety since the quarter ends in almost a week. My teacher told us to get plenty of rest for the test today because we would do better, so I thought, hmmm...maybe I should just take Seroquel, otherwise I'll only sleep for about 5 hours. I don't know what worked, maybe practicing 6 hours a day, maybe the sleep, maybe all of it. But it worked, that's all that matters. I noticed that there were students who stayed in the 100wpm class for two entire quarters, so I plan on working very hard not to be one of those people.

I was upset at Mark today, maybe it was unwarranted. I went to bed really early, around 7:30, and woke up at about 4:00am. I knew he had gone out with his friends in Chicago last night, and he always calls me before he goes to bed. So I looked at the caller ID to see if I had missed his call, nope, he didn't call at all last night. He did call my cell phone on my way to school this morning (which was weird because *I* always call *him* on my cell on my way to school), and I asked him about it. He said that he DID call, but I was out of it and couldn't talk. I got mad - he told a bold faced lie! I told him I checked the caller ID and he did NOT call! I do get upset when he is in Chicago and calls me from the taxi or whatever and I can tell he's drunk or tipsy, but I usually just say "you've had too much to drink, I'm going to go", it annoys me to talk to him when he's like that. And he only does that in Chicago, not at home. I don't want this to sound like it's often, it's not, but I'm cautious about his drinking since he had a problem with it years ago.

Anyways, I was pretty mad about him lying about calling me, and then finally he went on the defensive and complained that I was checking up on him, or some kind of excuse. Typical way for someone to try to get out of something - get mad and turn it around on the other person. I don't want to keep "tabs" on him, it's just that he ALWAYS calls from Chicago at night before he goes to bed. And I knew he was going to some kind of bar, which he had termed a "cocktail happy hour" when he told me about it that day. I said "so you're going to a bar then", I'm not stupid, he can call it whatever he wants, a bar is still a bar.

So he went to a bar, then didn't call me that night when he always does. Hmmm. Well I can't prove anything happened, all I can do is just forget about it, let it go. I do trust him, I just don't understand why he lied, what was he covering up? I was definitely more mad about that than him not calling.

No use in staying mad, nothing can be done, proven, anything. Life must go on. He's an adult, he can go out with his friends and I'm totally fine with that, I'm glad he has friends to hang out with, even if it's just in Chicago, or when they come here from Chicago. And he does invite me to come with him practically every time he goes to Chicago, I just don't go because of school, and he invites me to go out with him and his friends when they're in town, I just choose not to. So it's not like he's hiding anything.

But the lying about calling me, he's given me no reason about why he did that. Which really makes me wonder what really happened, even though I do trust him. There was just no reason to lie if there was nothing to hide.

School Anxiety!

2010-12-06T23:00:00.000-06:00

I'm SO anxious about school, I lay in bed at night rolled up in a ball and unable to sleep about it. I passed one 80wpm test (in Court Reporting), but you need to pass two to promote to the next level. I can tell everyone is expecting me to pass the second one before the quarter ends, and the last test will be given in a week and a half. I've been practicing HOURS each day on my own on top of the all the hours we practice in school. I just don't know if it's possible. I know I should believe in myself and that could make all the difference, but it's so hard.

Today we had a test, and even though I had taken a klonipin, I still froze. I'm now the fastest writer in the class with the faster students recently advancing to the next level, so that means when we're given a test, I can't judge if it was hard or not by them deciding along with me to transcribe it or not. It's so weird, I've never experienced test anxiety before - but I always knew what was going to be on the test and studied for it. I don't know what the test is going to be for speed, I don't know what words are going to be used, so I freak out. And feel a lot of pressure. It's hard to just get my fingers moving, and then I have so much mind chatter that I can't concentrate on what the teacher is dictating.

I don't want to be stuck in the same class next semester, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I realize I should have been working like this from the first day the quarter started, but in the beginning, you feel like you have all the time in the world.

I'm getting close to being out of Zonegran, and my doctor isn't even in the office this week. I can't go see him until next Tuesday, so I've cut my dosage in half since I have to use mail order because of my insurance. Once I do get to see him, I'll have to wait another week or so to get my prescription. Maybe he will have samples for me or I can get a prescription filled at the local pharmacy, I don't know. But I really don't know what effect halving Zonegran will have on me. I've never done that before since I started taking it. I'm sure that taking 1/2 of it will fend off any withdrawal symptoms, but what will happen to me emotionally? I HATE HATE HATE being dependant on medications.

I saw an episode of House where a husband kept from his wife for years that he was Bipolar, and then she felt betrayed when he told her in the hospital. She didn't leave him, but I'm glad I was diagnosed when I was already with my husband. He had the luxury (if you can call it that) of being eased into the issue, instead of deciding from the beginning if it was something he wanted to deal with. Would *I* want to live with someone who was Bipolar as well? Oh my gosh, I don't know, I'm so high maintenance! What does that mean if you couldn't accept in someone what you are yourself?

Selfish Student!

2010-12-03T22:08:00.000-06:00

There's a girl in my class that is absolutely driving me NUTS! She can be disruptive, making noise when I'm taking a test or whatever, but what always really annoys me are personalities (usually selfish). It doesn't matter WHAT it is, she turns it around and makes it about HER.

She constantly interrupts class with her questions, her thoughts, her insecurities, whatever, and just talks and talks. I glare at the teacher, trying to send mind messages to her to make the girl shut up so we can go back to class! You know, *I* am paying over a thousand dollars a month just in tuition, not including books and every other thing they can think of to charge me for, to go there TOO, I don't want to waste my time listening to her mindless chatter.

Today it started innocently enough. She had passed her 60wpm test (you only have to pass one), and I had passed an 80 test (you have to pass two), both yesterday, and she knew about it when I came to class and said something about it, but was really more excited to talk about herself. But I wondered aloud to her "I don't think I really write at 80wpm yet, I think that was just an easy test".

So what did SHE do? She didn't say anything to ME, a few minutes later during CLASS TIME, she practically SCREECHES to the teacher "Was it just an easy test that I passed yesterday or do I really write at 60wpm now?". Well, first of all, yes, it was an easy test she took, I have to take the 60's too so I don't disrupt others who are taking it when I don't need it by causing distractions. But it doesn't matter, you get easy tests and you get hard tests, move on. I should take my own advice, huh. But why did it suddenly become about HER?

I told the teacher right when she said it "I'm sorry, I put that into her head when I told her I thought the test I passed was an easy test and wasn't sure if I was writing at 80wpm" so we could just MOVE ON. And it worked, it shut her up, the teacher ignored her, and we went about class. But then during testing, we had to wait for her to pack up her things (which takes awhile with all of our equipment and books, etc.) so she could catch her ride as she was leaving early today.

I know this is my blog and I talk about myself all the time, but this is MY BLOG! In real life, I ask people questions about themselves, I engage them in conversation, rarely is something all about me. Few people at school know anything about me, but I know all about them because people love to talk about themselves. Sitting with someone and there's an awkwardness? Ask the person a question about themselves, anything, people love to talk about themselves to an interested audience. And the more interested you act, and ask followup questions, the more excited they are to talk to you and basically just tell you their whole life story while you've given away nothing about yourself. And what I find rude? They don't even ask you anything about who you are in return. People are basically selfish that way.

But this girl, OMG, I pay so much to go to school and she is monopolizing the teacher's time with asking the same questions over and over and going so far as to state the opinion as to what growing up as an African American woman was like and what you should never say to someone about their dreams, I mean really? How is that helping my education on being a future court reporter? It's just wasting my time. If she feels she needs to talk about that to the teacher, do it on her time, not mine.

Every minute, every second that I am there is invaluable and I don't want to waste it. I'm not saying she should either and not get answers to her questions, but REALLY? Does everything have to be about her ALL THE TIME?

Passed Test #1! : )

2010-12-03T01:43:00.000-06:00

I passed my first 80 speed test today (for Court Reporting)! I have to pass two of them to be promoted to the next speed class (100wpm), and this quarter only has two weeks left. I think the test I took today was really easy so I don't know if I can pass another one in such a short amount of time. I really don't think I write 80wpm, I just think I got lucky. But I thought that when I passed the 60wpm test, so who knows.

I have a killer sinus headache tonight, it started when I got home from school. I used my facial sauna with eucalyptus and steam that usually works, but maybe I didn't use it long enough. I remember now that a lot of students at school have been sick, and specifically I remember a few complaining they've had sinus headaches, so I guess a sinus infection. I gave up going to the doctor for sinus infections years ago after my sinus surgery. They can't help me, it's useless. And the OTC meds don't help either. It all just seems to prolong the headache. But at least after the surgery the headaches don't turn into migraines.

Ugh! It's 1:30a and I can't sleep! I actually took a tiny bit of Seroquel because I'm desperate to sleep tonight. It's horrible to lay there for hours and keep your eyes shut tight, try to relax, just to have your eyes spring wide open and stare into the darkness in the room. Thinking, thinking, thinking! I've tried playing all kinds of tricks on my brain to relax, tried relaxation exercises while I was laying there, none of it worked, so Seroquel was a last option. I'm afraid to go back up those stairs and try to fall asleep again, to find it won't work.

Maybe I'm just excited about passing that test today, and the possibility of actually passing both tests this quarter when I'd already resolved myself that I wouldn't pass either one until next quarter. It's actually a huge deal to me. Imagine taking tests all the time where you constantly fail, week after week, month after month, and then all of a sudden, you pass one! One teacher told me going to Court Reporting school is hard, most can't handle it - you have to fail your way to success. There are only two out of 15 people in my original class in January that are still on campus. That's not good odds. But 2 went online, and 2 were kicked out for attendance last quarter, and I'm *assuming* they are coming back next quarter. So best case scenario, 6 of us will still be enrolled exactly one year later. I think that's terrible odds. But I'm also amazed that I'm one out of those 2-6 that haven't quit!

Mark's family has been really wonderful lately, I don't know why I'm getting along with them so well all of a sudden. Maybe it's because his sister found out she had a thyroid problem and is now taking medication for it, I don't know. But she made things miserable at family gatherings, at least for me. We'll see how Christmas goes, if it is still as pleasant. I already have all of Mark's nieces' and nephew's gifts bought! Ordering online ROCKS! I'm not going to go to a single store this year for Christmas shopping. Well, maybe for decorations....

Wow, this headache is brutal, guess I'll try to go to bed again, hope the Seroquel has had time to kick in.

Angry

2010-11-28T23:18:00.000-06:00

I was in search of new friends, a "support group", if you will, so last week I made up my mind and went to church, but to a LifeGroup first (Sunday School) with women around my age. I just didn't "click" with them. They didn't seem to be my kind of friends. I don't really know who would be any more. I went to the Single and Married 40's Group, and I don't know, they just seemed to be older than me, and depressing. And I got nothing from the message the leader taught. There are other classes I can take, I may try those later.

When I left the class, I checked my iphone, and Mark had texted that HE was at church! I couldn't believe it! He hates that church, but for some reason, while I was in my LifeGroup, he showered, got dressed, and decided to meet me. I thought wow...we're actually in synch spiritually, at least we're both searching for answers and more in our lives at the same time.

I've felt so much better turning to God in the past few weeks, but I find myself slipping and dwelling on things I can't change, and once I get mad, I can't get over it.

Here's what happened, I'll try not to make it too long and boring. Mark was a partner in his own company, along with 3 other guys about 5 years ago. The President (Mark was the CTO) didn't pay taxes for several years, was the only one in the company who had his signature at the bank and check writing privileges on behalf of the company, and eluded the other partners from seeing anything financial about the company. One of the partners hired an attorney because he didn't trust the President of the company, and not to make this story too long, he was voted out by the majority. No one knew about the taxes yet. YET.

To make it worse, the president was also Mark's best friend at the time, and Mark stood by him no matter what he was told.

After he was kicked out, a CPA came in and found out that the former partner hadn't paid taxes and over $35k was owed, and he hadn't been paying rent on their space either. AND, while he wasn't paying the partners because he said there wasn't enough money, he was making large withdrawals for family vacations, etc. No one knew, but this other partner was suspicious, rightfully so.

So Mark filled out document after document to the IRS, everything they wanted he did, every question they asked, he answered truthfully. This was forever ago, the IRS has never contacted us.

Now Mark has been taking this new medication for ADD and is suddenly feeling more social, and he created a Facebook page and decided to add him as a friend. As soon as he did, he got what I would consider a "blackmail" email from the former president.

It said that the IRS contacted him and told him he owed $118,000 in taxes for the company, and he has a payment plan of $3000/month. (Wow! Those penalty fees can really add up fast!)

So the guy had a tax attorney, had worked with the IRS, and no one contacted us, even though the IRS knows exactly where we live, everything about us. They've decided he's responsible. Mark has nothing to hide.

His "blackmail letter" said that if each of the partners would call his IRS agent and arrange to send $25,000 apiece, he wouldn't turn them in as each of them were responsible. It makes me CRAZY just to think about it! Like he hasn't already tried this? Like he didn't tell his tax attorney and the IRS agent that he had 3 other partners? Of COURSE he did! He's such a weasel, what do you expect from someone who took large amounts of cash while others weren't getting paid, and we were within days of going into foreclosure at the time.

I found a link to this game show he had been on, Family Game Night or something like that that aired this month. At the end of the show, his family won $20,000. Are you freaking kidding me?? Does the IRS know about that? I was so mad that I actually wanted Mark to press charges against him for blackmail. I wanted to send him, his wife, anyone nasty emails, but I knew they could be used against us and Mark begged me not to contact them, just cut all Facebook, LinkedIn, and any other ties to him. Mark of course unfriended him immediately.

I mean, how weird would that be, calling an IRS agent out of the blue and telling them you were sending them $25,000 when they hadn't asked for it from you and had already determined who was responsible. Mark said a document he had attached showed they had put some sort of lien on everything he owns, not quite sure what that means, but Mark said it's very, very bad.

I'm sad for his wife and kids, he screwed up and they are paying the price. But to blackmail my husband, who had considered him at one time his best friend? Who, until then, had made excuses for him no matter what I said? He no longer does, but he doesn't seem mad about it at all.

I've discovered that when people cross some sort of line in my mind, I'm not forgiving at all. I don't know at what point that is, but it happens and it doesn't go away. Maybe it's a sort of self-protection, to make sure it never happens again. I can't forgive my mother, I don't have the least bit of remorse about my dad, and don't see myself ever forgiving this guy either. I think it's when someone INTENTIONALLY tries to hurt me, not just once but numerous times, to me or to someone I love, I actually want to get back, I want to get even, but I think that would lead to emptiness, I wouldn't feel any better making that person miserable. What happened still happened, that will never change.

All I can do is pray about it, but it's so HARD. It's HARD for me to pray for those 3 people. Right now I don't wish them well at all, what kind of person does that make me? Vengeful? What kind of Christian am I that I can't let go? Life isn't always fair, people don't always do the right thing, but this guy always professed to be this great Christian, sharing his faith with everyone, what does it MEAN? That he's a hypocrite? No one is perfect, but most people know right from wrong.

Blah, I typed way too much about that, it's just that it's on my mind and creates a lot of anxiety and anger in me when I think about it, which is often.

I don't feel good about school AT ALL, but I suppose that's my fault. I haven't been practicing at home. I don't know what it will take to get me motivated, but I need to find a way - and fast. I did spend an hour with a teacher who has written a book about Test Anxiety for Court Reporters who gave me great tips and her book, so I'm hoping that will help. I think I might be able to pass the speed tests if I wouldn't freeze when they start. My fingers literally will not move where they should when the teacher says "Alright, begin", and then starts dictating the test to us. Without knowing it's a test, I do okay, but the minute she says it's a test, I panic. If doing well in school freaks me out so much, why can't I take the extra time and practice at home? I only have 3 weeks left before a 2 week break, but that's depressing. I don't think I can pass 2 speed tests in that time to move up to the next level.

Medication. I'm taking my normal stuff - Geoden, Zonegran, Lamictal and Klonipin along with Unisom to sleep. Forget adding in anything else, my last episode and severe reaction with Saphris makes me not want to try anything new. I hate being bipolar, but it's become a way of life for me. I take meds at night, it's just so normal. Was it ever any other way? It seems like it's been like this my whole life, but of course it hasn't been. I feel pretty good except for dwelling on people who have crossed me, so maybe I should count my blessings.

Chrismas shopping, ack. I'm doing it all online again this year.

In Search Of

2010-11-12T21:29:00.000-06:00

I'm lonely. I don't know why I'm feeling it so strongly right now when nothing has changed lately, but I just feel the need for friends, for support.

My old friend sent me a text and a message on facebook to get together, but I was sick and didn't get right back to her. And to be honest, I haven't seen her since my 20's, when I was about 40 pounds lighter, and don't really want her to see me as having "gone downhill". She was upset with me that I didn't call her back, text her back, or answer her on facebook. I sent her a message eventually telling her I had been sick, but then she insulted me, and I can assume she thinks I don't know she did, but she just might know. She wrote on a mutual friends wall something like "you'd better answer my calls and my texts or I'll start calling you you know who!". Well that's our only mutual friend, she can only mean me, she never answered my message, and for some reason, it hurt my feelings. I'm sure I hurt HER feelings, she doesn't understand why I never want to get together with her.

What I'm thinking is, let the past go. Maybe start new friendships and not worry about disappointing my old friends with who I am now. I'm thinking of going to a new church that I've already reached out to some members on Sunday for a class for women my age, that's a start, right? There's really no one at school that I've bonded with - I mean, I have "friends", but not "real friends". What makes a real friend? I don't know, someone that you do things with outside of mandatory functions, someone that you call on the phone, you confide in, a real friend. I haven't had one in several years now.

Mark is running into some issues at work with his newfound "speak his mind" attitude personality change from his ADHD medication. I knew it would happen from what he was saying to me last weekend. He sees it as a positive, like he saw it as a positive when he was bringing up things to me about me, but I didn't see it that way. He likes saying what's on his mind, but I think....sometimes it's good to have a "filter" - to keep you from saying things that really shouldn't be said. He said he told his psychiatrist that he was saying what was on his mind, and his doctor said that was a normal change for the medication. I can't be there in the office and explain for Mark exactly what he is doing, just like I don't allow him to come to the psychiatrist with me (unless I am very depressed and have needed him to describe it). I have to allow him to be who he is on this new medication, like it or not, just like he does for me when I try medications, and he dislikes what they do to me.

I'm worried I'm failing in school. It's like I'm clinging to hope - I'm listening to contemporary Christian music on satellite radio in the car, I'm not sure what it is I'm searching for, but there's an emptiness that I'm trying to fill. Is it the feeling of failure? Lack of closeness of friends?

I don't know what the answer is, if it's the season and I'm missing my childhood extended family, or what it would take to make me feel complete. There must be something, but what? I pray about it, if it's God in my life, then I'm actively searching for that, too.

I Hate New Meds

2010-11-11T04:24:00.000-06:00

Oh my. I'm so glad to be able to type this entry after yesterday!

I did exactly what my doctor told me to do after my last visit - stop the Geodon, and take 1 10 mg Saphris before bed, and if I wake up again in the middle of the night like I always do, take another.

Saphris was great - put me out within minutes of taking it, and I woke up at 1:30am. Went downstairs, took another one, and was out again right away.

I woke up at around 5 am, went for breakfast (I always eat 2 yogurts from McDonalds), got ready for school, and drove in. That's when I realized something wasn't right. I was a bit dizzy if I stopped the car too suddenly and just in general.

I was almost to school and noticed it was getting worse not better and had to make a judgement call, and so I went home. I was so mad at myself, I wasn't really sick enough to NOT go to school, but I was afraid of what might happen if I did and my symptoms started to worsen. I was convinced I was having Geodon withdrawals.

When I went home I went to bed, and woke up at noon to run to the bathroom and get sick. That was the beginning of my nightmare. I was so dizzy, getting sick about every hour, it would just make me feel better for about 10-15 minutes and then I'd feel awful again.

I called my doctor's office 3 times and he never called me back. I called the pharmacy who told me they didn't know the withdrawal effects of Geodon, but the side effects of Saphris was nausea and vomiting. I'd taken Saphis before so I didn't think that was it, but I'd never taken 2 in one night, only 1.

Finally it was 6:30p and I called my doctor on his after hours cell phone and told him what happened and he told me it was the Saphris and to stop taking it, but I didn't believe him. I told him it was the Geodon because I had found posts on the internet where people had the same symptoms as mine for withdrawals, but he said no, Saphris wasn't the drug for me, and asked if I was still getting sick. He seemed a bit rushed, but I could tell I called him on the way home in his car - I didn't care though. It was the sickest I'd been since I can remember!

So when we got off the phone, I took a Geodon and went back to bed. The only reason I hadn't taken one yet is because if it were withdrawal symptoms, I wanted to ride it out, I would have to go through them eventually and now was as good as time as ever. I laid there waiting to feel better, and actually thought I did for awhile. Your mind can be a powerful thing, convincing yourself of something that isn't true. Eventually I was up getting sick again. My doctor and the pharmacist were right - it was the Saphris. I had been wrong all along.

I took 3 klonipin, and maybe it was just the timing, maybe it was the klonipin, but I actually fell asleep and woke up not as dizzy. I went to the corner store and bought some ice cream in hopes the milk would help my stomach and it felt so incredibly empty, took my nighttime meds, and went back to bed.

Mark called from Chicago after going out to dinner with his friends to see how I was feeling, and I suppose the drugs really took effect because my stomach had been so empty and I couldn't form words to tell him what had happened. He said we'd talk tomorrow when I was still trying to tell him it was the Saphris I think, I really don't remember.

So Saphris is out, and now I'm reluctant to try another drug for concentration. Do you blame me? I missed a day of school and during the whole ordeal, I had no idea when I'd be able to go back. Luckily today is Veteran's Day and we have the day off. I thought I'd be so bored, now I'm just glad I feel okay.

Saphris, Not AGAIN!

2010-11-09T17:22:00.000-06:00

I went to my psychiatrist today to get refills and tell him about my problem of studying at home - how I can't sit still long enough to do it. He makes me so mad sometimes.

He asked if I was taking Saphris, and I said no, but I couldn't remember why. There are SO MANY drugs I have been on that I can't possibly remember why I have stopped each and every one. I made a guess and said that it might have been because I was waking up at 2:30 in the morning still. I knew it was somewhere in my blog, but I couldn't exactly tell him that. I don't want him to find this blog somehow and know what I REALLY think of him. All he has to do is search for "psychiatrist with a twinkie on his forehead" and BAM, he's got my blog. Although it does seem to me he's had some sort of surgery and the twinkie like growth is much reduced. I find myself able to stare in his eyes now without worrying that he's thinking I'm looking at his twinkie.

So now I go back in my blog, and see I gained weight on Saphris, which he KNOWS that's an automatic "no way" kind of medication for me. I researched the internet for Saphris and weight gain, and saw it was a common side effect - 14.7% of people gain 7% of their body weight or more. Are you freaking kidding me?

So that's probably why he said stop the Geodon, also an anti-psychotic and weight gainer, and start the Saphris, I think he said last time he thought one would even out the other hunger/weight wise, but I never did stop the Geodon last time.

What to do, what to do, do I take this medicine or do I not? Is it true, that it's my "bipolar mind" that makes my skin crawl and keeps me from studying when I'm all by myself at home, perhaps racing thoughts? Makes sense, I can't sleep either without a ton of Unisom, but that's not the answer I wanted. I wanted something that would help me focus and get me to practice and keep me practicing which I can't seem to do.

I just remembered, I forgot to ask him for the name of a therapist. I thought maybe that was an alternative answer - to work on my motivation perhaps - maybe that would be the answer.

It's not as simple as discipline, I simply can't sit still for any length of time and practice by myself on my machine. At school in a class I have no problem, but without distractions, it's horrible. I try, but I find myself looking at the clock, wondering what Mark is doing, thinking about how long I've been practicing, fidgeting, wondering if I can remove the arms on my chair, just anything and everything bothers me. I can't FOCUS. Yet it's weird, it doesn't happen at school, unless it's A&P and the teacher is talking about cells. UGH.

It seems to me like I have an ADHD issue, but without Geoden, maybe I won't have a weight gain problem. I'll try this for a week, one week is all I'll give it, and see what happens. Besides, I read in my blog I wasn't even doing my homework when I was on Saphris last time, it DEmotivated me. I skipped a day of school, too.

I can't afford to go very long and gain weight and lose what little focus I have. One week, and that's it.

Personality Change

2010-11-08T16:00:00.000-06:00

My husband started taking medication for ADHD as he's been unable to concentrate at work, and his personality has totally changed! I wouldn't necessarily say for the better, but I wouldn't say for the worse either. There are good and bad things about it. But what it's made me realize is...this is how he feels when I go through mood changes? When I try a new medication, if I'm hypomanic or depressed all of a sudden, this is what it is like living with someone when their personality totally changes seemingly overnight? It's difficult to live with, I don't know how he has done it for so many years. It makes me feel unstable, what will he do next? What will he say next? What will he feel next? Will he want to break up, what is he thinking? Because I honestly do not know. I know that sounds like I'm a bit insecure, but one night he probably said no less than 10 times to me "you don't love me". He just said it over and over again, and he keeps talking about how he wants "romantic love". We've actually raised our voices over his newfound issues! But I can't say that he's doing anything that I've never done before, out of the blue. I'm famous for saying "we have nothing in common", usually when I want to do something and he doesn't want to do it, and wanting to talk it out, how does that make him feel I wonder, I never thought about it.

I asked him if he was going to tell his psychiatrist about the issues his medication was having on him. He asked me if I'd ever told my psychiatrist about any negative concerns he'd had with any of my medications, when I thought the medication was working for me. I guess I didn't. He hated Seroquel for 9 years, and for 9 years, I took it and didn't tell my doctor I wrecked my car, I couldn't make it to work in the mornings, I fell asleep with food in my mouth on the couch at night, or that my spouse had real concerns about my using the medication.

It's really difficult to watch - someone you know and love to go through such a personality change. But now I know what it's like, how it feels to have someone close to you change so drastically. It's unsettling when the person you thought you knew so well, all of sudden, you can't predict what they're going to do, say, or think.

He's my rock, but it's only fair that I be his for a change.

Orphan

2010-11-03T20:44:00.000-06:00

I will try not to make this a political entry, but it all started because of politics, so I don't know how to keep it from being one.

My father is the farthest left leaning liberal you can ever imagine. He will actually go to the Republican primaries in his state and vote for the least worthy candidates, registering himself as a Republican to try and get the worst possible candidates on the ballot for Republicans, thus hoping to get a win for Democrats. I think that's quite devious, the Republicans should get to choose their candidates, as should the Democrats, but he thinks he's so smart.

So I was a Democrat too, for many years, but came from one side of my family being staunch Republicans, and the other being solid Democrats, so I was exposed to both. My father and I only exchanged emails, for many years, about politics, we discussed hardly anything else. We had no relationship without politics and email.

So when Obama started doing things I didn't agree with, I did what I always do, voiced my opinions with him and expected him to accept them, he never had done anything other than that before. My mistake - my views had never conflicted with his own, and I found how intolerable and stubborn he was. He called me so many names, even telling me I wasn't a Christian, that I blocked him from my email list. I told him first that I did, but really didn't, but then he called me a LOSER, so I blocked his email "for real" after that. I don't think he thought I would get his email because I told him he was blocked. Doesn't matter, calling your daughter a loser for her political beliefs or any reason seems unthinkable to me.

So now many of the people in the United States have used their voice to show their discontent with the road our country is on, including me, and I want to tell him "see? I'm not the only one!" but I can't. It would appear that he's cut off communication from me as well after I lit into him for calling him for calling me a loser and telling him I received that email.

So many people have at least one caring parent, why was I dealt with two failures as parents? My dad even told me one time he was sorry that I had been given the hand I was by way of parents. Therapists I've gone to have shaken their heads at me when I tell them about my parents, how uncaring and selfish they are. I would love nothing more than to have a real relationship with either of my parents, I so long for that, but they are children themselves that can't even take care of their own emotional needs, how would they not just drain me dry while I parent them? And they have, they are too much for me, I've cut my mother out of my life, and now my father.

I see people mourn the loss of a parent when they pass away, what about someone who's parents are still alive, yet they might as well be dead to them? I didn't choose my parents, but I did choose not be belittled and abused by them. If my Dad wanted a relationship, and I've told him this, he could always call me. But has he? No, and this has been since February, almost a year. He doesn't care about me, his own stubborness is worth the loss of a non-existent relationship of his daughter. His answer was to send me Michael Moore DVD's to "enlighten me", which I told him I promptly through in the trash without viewing. He said that was the most caring thing he could ever do for me, to show me the truth. I said I wasn't interested in propaganda.

So if I am no longer a liberal, I'm a centrist, I don't deserve his love? But did I ever really have it? Political views volleyed back and forth is hardly a caring relationship.

I know my parents are alive, but I feel like an orphan. When they pass away, I will have no regrets about getting to know them. I have no intention, if they ask, of caring for them in their old age. We are strangers, this is the path they chose, not me. I doubt my other half siblings will be in a financial place to care for them, so that leaves me, I doubt that either parent is thrifty enough to be saving for retirement, but that was their choice too.

What is so wrong with me that my own parents cannot love or accept me? Why am I the adult over my parents? I would wonder if I was just taking it too far if therapists hadn't confirmed to me that I was doing was the right thing, and one therapist was the one who TOLD me to cut my mother out of my life. But should put up with the abuse for the sake of a relationship with my mother and/or father? The therapists think severing the ties with my mother forever is best, and with my father, for now is best.

With my father, it's a chess game, and it's his move. But I don't think he'll take it. He's already said I've disappointed him, no matter what else I've accomplished in my life, over my current political views.

Mark's parents and family are awesome, I can't imagine coming from a family that loves you and accepts you as much as his does, and they do of me as well. It shows me what a true family is supposed to be like, and I've never had that.

I know there are some who will violently disagree with me "but that's your mother, that's your father, you should work on a relationship no matter what", but when does enough become enough? How many times do you try to have a relationship with someone that pushes you away and obviously doesn't care if you have one, ever? To many parents, that probably seems unfathomable, I'm not a parent, but if I had a child, I cannot imagine doing that to them.

It's sad, but I really am an orphan with both parents still alive. And I'm okay with that - better to stay emotionally stable then get hurt and depressed because my parents reject me.

Trip to San Antonio

2010-11-02T20:19:00.000-06:00

Mark and I went to San Antonio for 3 days, as that was what I wanted for our 3 year anniversary. He still sent flowers and gave me the sweetest card.

Once we arrived, I hadn't planned anything to do for the rest of the day, and suddenly Mark felt pressure to find something for us to do. We both felt pressure to have fun and were walking around the Riverwalk, and finally I said let's just chill and sit down and have a drink. So we did, and I drank a couple of glasses of wine AND a shot, so not me.

While we were sitting there, they had a Halloween parade on boats down the Riverwalk which was interesting, but I suggested we go to a Comedy Club that I had seen on the way.

When they were seating us, I noticed there was only one table left in the front, right in front of the comedians, and that's where they sat us. I thought "oh no, we're going to get heckled!", but it turned out ok. People were dressed for Halloween so we were safe. : ) One comedian told me he loved my laugh, and the last comedian was from New York and asked everyone if they watched Jersey Shore. I'd had 2 more drinks and another shot by then, so I readily admitted it. He started going off about it, but thank God it wasn't directed at me.

He ended up being the worst tranquilist I'd ever seen. Not that he wasn't funny - he was, but his lips moved when he was talking for the dummy as much as when he was talking for himself. Mark and I laughed about that as much as we did the jokes. It was hard not to watch him instead of the dummies. A couple of times I thought "omg, that dummy is looking straight at me, he's going to say something about me", then thought "duh, he's a dummy".

Because I drank so much, I snored a LOT and LOUD and Mark didn't bring his earplugs, apparently he's stopped using them. I woke myself up because I was snoring even, and realized how bad it was. I rolled over and went back to sleep, so I hope I didn't snore anymore. I heard a lot about it for the rest of the trip.

The next day, we went to Fiesta, TX (on Halloween), which is a cool place to go, then we went to our anniversary dinner at this remote place on a Farm and Country road. The food was great, wine was better, and atmosphere was so romantic. I checked the score of the Texas Rangers on my iphone when Mark was at the table (I know, bad me), and again when he left for the bathroom. I mean really, the Rangers were in the World Series, how could I not be curious! When I was checking it once, the waiter even asked me what the score was (he knew were were from Dallas)!

Memories - that's what I wanted for my anniversary, not anything material that Mark could give me. Memories stay with you forever, usually a material item loses its novelty over time (except my Rolex).

I never made it to the drugstore to buy more Unisom so I could sleep without Seroquel, so I ended up taking probably less than 25mg per night to sleep. Even the slightest bit makes me so hungry the next day, I eat way too much proportion wise, and then I start thinking about the next meal. I bought more Unisom today, so we'll see how I sleep tonight. It's been raining all day, so hopefully it will help me drift off to sleep.

I've got to get to the psychiatrist and ask for a referral for a therapist so she can help me with school, motivation wise. I just don't practice at home, and I know I'm not motivated because I'm not the "best" from my starting class in January. That's just how I've always been - all or nothing. There are only 3 of 15 of us left in school onground (they have an online class too), so that's just 1/5 of my class. They say court reporting school is very hard, and it is. The hardest thing I've ever done. Why can't I just be better at it? I totally don't understand.

Seroquel - Why Did I Start Taking It Again???

2010-10-29T05:18:00.000-06:00

I recorded my weight for the first time since 10/1/10, and found I have gained 6 pounds since then. I weighed 161 then, I weight 167 now. Most of it is that damned Seroquel the new (former) psychiatrist told me I could start taking again at a low dose and I wouldn't gain any weight! I should have known better, I know my body better than anyone, and my old (and now again my current) psychiatrist would have NEVER told me to go back on Seroquel at any dosage level because of the weight gain. I explained all of this to her - the new psychiatrist - but she just brushed it aside and said I needed to stop taking Unisom. Well give me something that works then! No one seems willing to help me with my sleeping problem. I'm back to Unisom again, and not sleeping well.

Mark's company went through lay-offs yesterday, and although he felt pretty secure, you never know about these things. Another Director had to lay off one of his employees because Mark does not reside in the same town as that employee, and it was a horror story, I felt so bad for the person. When he was told by Mark's friend that his employment was being terminated (or whatever verbage they use), he started crying uncontrollably, saying all he has is work, he has no friends or family. Mark has laid off quite a few people in his career, and he said for a man to start crying like that is a pretty big deal. I guess they are going to get him some counseling and whatever else they can do to help him. My heart broke when I heard that. The package they are giving is quite generous, but this is a bad time to be looking for a job. I feel so lucky that Mark still has a job, I think he does too, although he's leading projects going into 2014.

With all that news, it made me so anxious to get out of school. Who knows what the future will bring? I may only have a short window to attend school full time while we don't need an extra income, I shouldn't be so lazy in practicing. I need help motivating myself though. I think I'll ask my psychiatrist for the name of a therapist when I go see him next time and find out why I'm not more motivated, and how to get that way.

Mark sent flowers for our anniversary last Tuesday and we went to dinner, he also gave me the sweetest card. We're going out of town to celebrate as well, and I'm really looking forward to it! I'm going to miss one day of school, but we have a lot of days we can miss without repercussions. I already picked out the perfect French restaurant for our "official" anniversary dinner, and a few activities to do while we're there. I've left a lot of down time though, so we can lounge around or do whatever Mark wants to do. We're driving for about 5 hours, and being a passenger in a car always puts me to sleep on road trips. Mark doesn't allow me to sleep, he thinks if he has to be awake, so should I, and he wants the company. He'll go as far as swerving to wake me up if I start to doze off. It's really not fair, I have nothing to do!

It's starting to get cold here, I wore flip flops to school yesterday, and when I walked out of the building, I thought that maybe that hadn't been such a good idea. Where I live, we only have 2 seasons: Summer and Winter. This would be the short Fall that seems to last about a week before winter hits. And by Winter, I mean temperatures in the 40's, 50's or so. I think. It's hard to remember what Winter is like, it's so short.

I'm really tired, but it's time to get ready for school. At least it's a Friday, but now not only do I FEEL fat, I KNOW I am from the scale. And now I have to go on a trip knowing this as well. I just hope I fit into my dress clothes for our anniversary dinner.

Changes - How Do You Know If They're Good?

2010-10-25T20:49:00.002-06:00

Since I started taking 33-50mg of Seroquel at night to sleep again, it has helped me sleep, but it has hindered me in school. I have been skipping my first class to sleep more, and some days, not going to school at all so I can sleep all morning. It's not the answer, and you really can't take LESS than 33mg of Seroquel, I don't think you could see it on the counter, and I don't think I could cut a 100mg tablet any smaller. 25mg is such a tiny difference that I don't think it's worth wasting my time trying. And my eating habits have been HORRENDOUS. I think I've gained 5 pounds!

So tonight I went back to Gabapentin - I just took two 300mg capsules, I hope it does *something*. Even waking up at 3:30 in the morning every day would be better than missing school, being demovitated and not practicing at all, just going through the motions of going to school. I'm putting in no extra effort. On the upside, my mood is better, I'm happier, I'm more outgoing, yet at what cost?

I think I'll go back to my old psychiatrist. The new one that is a therapist AND a psychiatrist really isn't doing anything for me. She is keeping me on the same medications, not even offering to write new prescriptions for me and expecting a mail-in pharmacy to fax her refill notifications for my current meds which I know they won't do. They'll want new prescriptions from a new doctor. I've tried explaining this to her as they've even told me they won't fax ANY refill requests to doctors (as they're mail-in for 3 month supplies with refills), but she just brushes it off, and I don't want to argue with her. It just seems easier to go back to my old doctor who knows the "system", sends electronic requests on his computer while I'm sitting in front of him, and then ask him for the name of a therapist if I decide I want to see one.

But now that I've been to another doctor, it makes me realize how dysfunctional my other psychiatrist is. Not to criticize someone's cleanliness, I mean, I can be sloppy, but her office was decorated like it was in a magazine, his office is like on television - on a "hoarding" show, no joke. He has a very small office with boxes, stacks of papers, drug samples in displays just laying on the floor hapharzadly. Even on his desk, he has an overflowing container of paperclips that I just want to do something with! His desk is littered with paper, and from all accounts, he seems like a paperless person. He's very high tech.

I don't know, he's treated me for over 9 years now, giving up that certainy and trust is a big thing to do. I don't like him as a person, he's very anti-social, but doctors aren't supposed to be your "friend". Mark doesn't like him, but he was wrong about him keeping me overmedicated - the other psychiatrist wants to keep me on the same medication, and even re-added Seroquel, which my first psychiatrist told me to stop taking. I told her why he told me, and she said I wouldn't gain weight on 50mg. I'm not surprised she was wrong, he would have told me she was wrong, but he just seems more up to date on medication, and she seems to trust his medical opinion mostly, so why wouldn't I stay with him instead of her?

Mark and I did the coolest thing we've done in a long time. A very nearby city was having an arts and music festival, they're a very small town so it was a small deal, but it rained that day and the vendors went home as well as the musical acts canceled. It stopped raining, so we went and had dinner and hoped that the bands would play since the weather improved. The grass was muddy and wet and we didn't bring chairs, but somehow Mark snagged 2 under tents, SCORE! Only one band stuck around all day to see if the weather would clear, and they turned out be pretty good! So it was this very small audience of maybe 20-30 people getting a live performance from a group that has opened for John Mayer and other big artists. It was actually better than the headliner Little Texas who canceled, because we really don't like country music, and were surprised that they played music we would actually listen to on the radio. I bought a CD of theirs at the end - the first physical CD I've bought in years! But the actual group was so kind hearted, and on facebook, I read their profiles, and found that most of them are Christians, and can see that in the lyrics of their music, even though their not Christian artists. I hope they make it big one day, although they're not doing too bad right now!

My hairstylist shattered my dreams and told me that the length of my hair now was a good length for me, when I was planning on growing it out until I finished school. I guess I could change hairstylists and find someone who would let me grow out my hair, I know, I'm the customer, if I say I want to grow out my hair he should let me, but I don't know what is age appropriate either. But I have very fine hair, and not a lot of it, he said one person that works their that has hair like mine gets hair extensions sewed into her hair, or I could buy hair extensions and he would show me how to use them. So I bought them but they didn't match my hair when I got home, they actually looked horrendous, and they were $100. I don't know if you can take back hair and get a refund, it's actual human hair. I have blonde hair, but it seems like he's doing it darker and darker, I mean, I know he's in his 20's, but does he think I'm ancient? It's like my psychiatrist, I've used him for so long that I trust him, but maybe it's time to try someone new except I really like this place, it's one of the top salons in the country, and I don't see how I could go there and go to a different stylist and see him hanging out there.

Whew, it seems like I've typed forever nonstop, I was talking to Mark on the phone while I was typing and he asked me why I kept talking and talking, maybe it's the Gabapentin, I don't know. Guess I'll see if I can sleep now, wish me luck dear blog : )

Couple Counseling

2010-10-16T19:54:00.000-06:00

Mark and I went to the psychotherapist on Thursday, and while nothing was completely decided, we basically all agreed that having a natural born child right now isn't what we wanted. Well, hmmm...what I want? No one can say that is not what *I* want, but is it best? The doctor (I don't know what to call her, she's a psychiatrist, she's a therapist, IDK?) doesn't come out and say "I recommend you do not get pregnant", I mean, what therapist ever really tells you what to do, and she made that perfectly clear that that was not her giving me advice. But she did say she was convinced I had a chemical imbalance that required drug treatment after I saw her the first time, there were anti-depressants that she could treat me with while pregnant but nothing for mood stabilization which I needed.  I don't understand what I could have told her that makes her think I need "mood stabilization" SO MUCH. I mean, is it true? Yes. But I didn't tell her hardly anything that would be considered a bipolar/manic symptom!

She asked us a lot of questions about our relationship and how we felt about children, I learned a lot about Mark actually. I always feel like I'm "barely meeting requirements" when it comes to effort in our relationship, and then he goes and tells her for effort he puts into the relationship, he gets it back from me 10 fold. I was just stunned, and she asked me what I was thinking so I told her, and he was like ok right, well, so I always have a list of things that needs to get done, and she said well "sometimes a girl needs to hear how you feel..." in a really cute way. I had no idea he felt that way, he always makes me feel I'm just barely "cutting it" when it comes to our relationship.

The more we talked, the more I really saw that Mark wants our relationship to be just us, no children, not even a pet, just him and me. I told him I felt so isolated, but that's how I really see how he wants it. He never came out and said that, but he's said he doesn't want children, he doesn't want a pet, so what does he want? Just us. Doesn't he ever feel that gets lonely? I think he's afraid of losing someone close to him, the way we lost our dog, he's still not over that. I brought it up, and he almost couldn't talk because he got choked up. The therapist was really nice about it, she said pets are like small children that never grow up and then die, and he agreed, while I'm left thinking hello? So no child? No dog? No anything? I don't want to break Mark's heart when something he loves is ripped away from him, and he sometimes argues that he is going to die before me because he doesn't want me to die first and he be left alone, but at least he has his family, I have no one. He tells me I have his family too, but it's not the same.

So I go to the therapist/psychiatrist on Monday after school (by myself), and I think it's pretty much up to me how often I want to go, I mean, within reason. She's not like my last psychiatrist and will let me get away with going once a year.  I guess we'll probably talk about how often on Monday, but last time she said when would you like to come in? 1, 2, 3 weeks from now? It's not like anything is pressing. And she's keeping me on all my medications I'm currently taking from my current/last psychiatrist, she said she'll just fax in or call in refills when I need them.

So this whole therapeutic relationship with a doctor is something I haven't had in a long time. We'll see how it goes. I could use help with motivation studying for school.

And go Texas Rangers! I've been watching all the games on television, hoping they make it to the World Series! I'd love to go to an intown game, but there's no way I'd get tickets. Poor Mark, he hates sports but has stayed in the room while I watch baseball, just played on his computer. He made me laugh when I was cheering once and said "did they get a touchdown?" I tried not to laugh too hard because I could tell he was starting to get embarrassed. The roles are so reversed between us sometimes, me watching sports, him calling a run scored in baseball a "touchdown". But watching baseball the last few days has brought up a lot of memories of my stepdad coaching my softball team, and while they're good memories, any memories of him can only seem bad.

Sleep for Goodness Sake!!!

2010-10-12T21:57:00.000-06:00

My appointment with my psychiatrist/psychotherapist is in 2 days, and I still don't know what I'm going to tell her about having children. Do I want to? Do I not want to? I don't know. I could actually be pregnant NOW, I won't know until Saturday or Sunday. But Mark is going with me and can say he doesn't want children, that he doesn't want to take that away from me and get her reaction to that. I go back and forth, one moment I'm certain that having children is probably not a good idea, but when children are out of the picture for me for the rest of my life, I think of all I could be missing out on and then I want them again. I'm pretty sure from our discussion last week she thinks she's convinced me not to have children, that I've gone home and thought about all she said about being a childless couple and how great that can be, and how difficult I would be to treat during pregnancy, etc., etc. I just don't want her shaking her head with disappoval at me again, although that was just when I was talking about my childhood really, I think. She kind of scares me, but really, I was in a vulnerable position. I was opening up my deepest darkest secrets to a complete stranger to be judged, good or bad, and that can only leave someone feeling horrible.

I started taking Seroquel again, first 50mg, then that that was too much, then 33mg, then that was not enough, now tonight I took 50mg and my mind is just racing, and that was 2 hours ago. Mark said I talked nonstop when he turned the television off and didn't stop, but I attributed that to my not liking the house to be quiet. He kept telling me to stop wiggling in bed so he could sleep, so I finally just got up. I was laying there with my eyes wide open, the thoughts coming and coming anyway.

The first night I took Seroquel was great, but I had a hard time getting to school the next day, I may have missed my first class. But I was very happy, I got home, took a leisurely bath for our Friday night date-night, did my hair and makeup which I don't always do and changed out of my school clothes, and was very chirpy and giggly all night. Mark said it was nice to see me happy, he wished he had a "happy pill", as he attributed it to the Seroquel. I *have* been happier, but also more passionate, too, it comes with a price. I mean, here I sit, my stomach churning about the November 2 election, school tomorrow, just any little thought and it has me riled up. I can't seem to stop the racing thoughts, yes, I know that sounds like mania (hypomania in my case, I don't really get full blown manias, so it's hard to judge one, I don't go out and buy tractors like the guy in the psych ward did, LOL). If I'm hypomanic, I'm just more excitable, sometimes more happy than normal, I get more irritated, agitated, and it won't go away, I make bad judgement calls (which hasn't happened), which is my biggest downfall about being hypomanic.

I really just want to calm down and go to sleep, but that seems impossible without taking more mediciation. Last night I took 5 Klonipin on top of everything else, but I had to sleep.

Mark made an appointment for himself with a psychiatrist. I'm glad he's finally doing something, not that I think that drugs are always the answer. He could have started with regular therapy and see where that led which I've suggested many times, but he's not interested in talking just to talk. He has some deep dark secrets as a child, being bullied in school, that he's never shared with me and we've been together for 13 years. I just know they've happened and they've greatly affected him, but it's like he's too shamed to tell me about it. I've gently asked, never nagged or pushed, but he always brushes me aside and cuts the conversation short.

Sleep is so evasive for me. When I want it, it doesn't come. When I can't have it, like when my alarm goes off, I want it. I finally have a doctor who agrees that sleep is important, but I still can't get sleep. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Taking any more Seroquel than I'm taking will surely ensure I can't drive to school in the morning as well as make me put on weight.

Psychotherapist Visit

2010-10-07T16:35:00.001-06:00

I went to the new psychiatrist today that my OB/GYN referred me to, and found out she's also a psychotherapist. Such a change from my grunting, not even making eye contact, psychiatrist. She made a point, I don't have a therapeutic relationship with him. I never considered that, but have always wanted one. He just wants to know how I'm doing on my meds, end of story. He prescribes 11 months of refills, and expects me to call if I have any problems. She was shocked when I told her that. Also, because I'm taking Unisom every night and still waking up at 3:30 in the morning, she said that was bad for me and asked if I wanted her to call in some Seroquel for sleep. I told her I had some, so she told me to cut it to 50mg and I won't gain weight, but to stop the Unisom and I needed sleep. I'm actually relieved. Sleep? And if I sleep through the night? What is THAT? I won't believe it until it actually happens.

She may be 72 (I know because of the Texas medical board website), but she's as sharp as a tack. It was so incredibly painful talking about how I became *me*, it started out with a simple enough but loaded open ended question "so tell me what you were like as a child". That led to abusive stepfather, controlling exhusband, mother cut out of my life, protective order against my exboyfriend, and now father cut out of my life. With lots of details in between. It didn't hit me until I was on my way home all I had told her and then I burst into uncontrollable tears. I just don't like to think about those things, let alone talk about them. I went to counseling for years, and then group therapy to learn HOW to talk about it to other people and validate that yes, it really was that bad. I don't need someone to shake their head like it was so awful what I've been through to prove to me it was, I know it was. I just don't want to relive it, to talk about it, that's what my 20's were for. I'm past that, I don't want to bring up again, why does it have to keep coming up? I guess that's what I'm faced with for the rest of my life. "Tell me what you were like as a child".

So....without coming straight out and saying it, I don't think she thinks Mark and I should have children, that couples are perfectly happy without them for whatever reasons they decide. She named my medications, the complications of coming off of so many drugs, how balanced I would be in pregnancy by changing them, my sleep issues, the fact that Mark doesn't want kids and how that would affect our relationship. She went on about the ease of life of NOT having children, so you can see where she was going with this.

But she began by saying "so why do you want to have a child?", and the thing is, I didn't have an exact answer. Because I thought I should...I always thought I would....things like that, not really good answers. She said if I had come to her and said both my husband and I want a child and are looking forward to it, then she would understand changing meds and having me come in weekly for checkups, but that wasn't the case.

She asked me to think about what we'd talked about, and call tomorrow to make another appointment for next week, and to bring Mark if I wanted. I would very much like to bring Mark. If we decide not to have kids, I want it to be a joint decision. I don't want it to all be on me, I want us to say "hey, as a couple, we've chosen not to have children". I want Mark to say to her that he is letting me make the decision, because she won't let him off the hook with that, that he's not part of the equation, but I can't make him see that. She brought up how this would change our relationship, and we have a great relationship, the most important one and positive one I've ever had in my life, I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything in the world.

I called Mark on my way home, and in the middle of talking, I just broke down, it all hit me what I had said about my childhood, and I couldn't talk for a few minutes, I was crying. But I finally got it together (even though now I have a monster headache), and had Mark check his calendar for next week, and he said he would go with me to therapy. I know she will help him recognize the importance of his own decision to have children, that he can't just leave it all up to me, even if my OB/GYN says that's ok, he'll change his mind later. He's never wanted kids, has never been shy about telling me he doesn't, so why would he change his mind?

On top of that, he's 34 and thinks he has the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. He studied the symptoms with how he feels in life on the internet, and says it's the same, minus physical attributes like loss of energy and anything sexual. He's been very unhappy with his "place in life" lately (work wise mainly, even though I see him as very successful, especially for his age), but he's never been exactly HAPPY with it, I've always considered it the hazards of a highly ambitious person. And he is the most ambitious person I've ever met.

We went to see the Social Network last weekend, and he was down on himself and upset for days because he felt that should have been HIM, he was the one that should have had an innovation early in life and been a billionaire by now, that's what he'd always expected of himself, and anything else by comparison makes him a failure. I can't imagine trying to live up to a Bill Gates, Mark Cuban, or Mark Zuckerberg. I have no words to make him feel better, his expectations are what they are, and he feels cheated for some reason. While I see him as successful, as do others, he sees himself as a failure.

Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, maybe it's an identity crisis, I don't know. But he won't go to counseling, I've tried (except with me next week) - hey, I wonder if I can somehow work this into the conversation, hmmm.

Doctors at War

2010-10-04T20:29:00.001-06:00

I went to my OB/GYN today to tell her what I was doing in regards to my psych medications, and she said she just couldn't go along with it. I gave her all the printouts my psychiatrist gave me in regards to birth defects while pregnant and the medications I take, but she said everything she's ever known or heard was NOT to take what I'm taking. The thing is - Mark agrees, he's done his own little research on the internet on the drugs I take and has come to the same conclusion. Yet my psychiatrist has treated me for 9 years.

Mark and my OB/GYN are right, I know they are, what's a few months of "possible" emotional instability, I mean, from my viewpoint, who knows I'll even have any, in the scheme of things - the lifetime of a child. Mark is now worried because we had sex without any protection (just once during possible ovulation time), but I thought it was okay, my psychiatrst had said so.

So I'm going to the psychiatrist that my OB/GYN trusts the most, the 72 year old psychiatrist that I totally blew off her appointment last Friday. I called to schedule another first time appointment today, and the receptionist really chewed me out for skipping out on on the first one. But this psychiatrist doesn't know my history, I have no symptoms now, how do I tell her what I have when I don't have it right now? I even question what I've had in the past. I just know it's been really bad, when suicidal thoughts come, they come fast and hard with no warning. It's like going from a sunny day and then boom, the sky is dark with an ominous black cloud above you that won't leave and you wonder about your very existence. It's the worst feeling ever. My current psychiatrist knows how depressed I get because I was able to articulate it when I was in an episode, how do I tell someone new when I'm not feeling anything? Is saying "I was in a psych ward 9 years ago for being suicidal" enough? That my dad tried to commit suicide about 3 years ago and my aunt DID commit suicide, with my uncle's death in question?

Maybe that begs the question - should I even have a baby? How do I know how sick I really am without going off meds or trying different ones that are more safe?

Why does life have to be so complicated?

I guess it doesn't matter, if I *do* get pregnant, or if I don't and stop trying in August, it's not that long.

And I've always wondered if I'm being overmedicated anyway....