Manic?

I wonder if I'm manic. I get up really early in the mornings - at least the past 2 or 3 days I have, around 3:30, 4 or so. Maybe not each morning, but...I don't know. I need less sleep I think. But it could be that I'm taking 30mg of Adderall instead of 20mg. I HAVE to get that refilled today or I'm out until next week, if my dr. is in at all next week.

I've booked several doctors since I last wrote. One was for 3 days, another was a long term Dermatologist, and another was for a long term OB/GYN. On top of that, I was given a long term OB/GYN from someone who quit, and a doctor for January that all we do is paperwork. On top of that, I was given a doctor pending for a government job from someone who quit. Add all that up, and my days filled have gone up dramatically. Of course, after April or so, they will also go down dramatically - to nothing at this point. I started to get excited about becoming a senior, but maybe I'll hover around 60 - 90 days for awhile, like K. is hovering around 90 days. Or at least she has been since I started. I don't see how I can't just springboard from 90 days though. D. is really frustrated and I think is going to quit. He was upset that my OB/GYN was accepted today, and his wasn't presented. I don't know the whole story, only that his doctor was going to be out of town for a week so he wasn't presented. He believes that the Account Managers don't present his physicians. But why wouldn't they present his physicians? That doesn't make any sense. I told him to email doctors yesterday because he was so upset - why am I telling him what to do to be more successful? I stayed late and called/faxed/emailed residency programs. He hasn't even started on it yet. He's probably my only friend, yet...he really frustrates me. No, T. is my friend too, but I'm afraid she'll get me in trouble one of these days going to H.R. and things like that. Not that it shouldn't be done, I'm not saying that. But the longer I work there, the more accepting I become. I wonder if it is because the more accepting of me they are. Probably the best thing I did was to stand up for myself against K. to J. He's told me what a great recruiter I am and how he doesn't want to lose me, which makes me feel really good. I don't know that I'm a great recruiter. I don't know that I'm good at all, I may actually be quite bad at it. I don't understand how someone can be there for at least 3, 4 months longer than I have and be at 25 days filled per month, but who am I to judge? I guess I've had a lot of help from management? Have I? Is that the difference? I need to call the rest of T's doctors and do my follow-ups. But today sure would be the perfect day to call home numbers. I wonder why E. only got 4 packets out this month. I wonder if he's really discouraged. I wonder who the first senior person on the team will be. Terrance? Kelly? I don't think I will be - their numbers for January will blow mine away, I know Kelly for sure.

Sunday is Christmas, and I haven't bought Mark's Christmas present yet. I'm planning on buying him a color television for the bedroom upstairs. I'm planning on just going to Best Buy, picking one out, having them put it in my car, and letting him carry it upstairs for Christmas. I think I should get a Tivo, too, or something. Christmas at our house hasn't been so "merry". It's kind of been "nonexistent".

I weighed myself this morning, and I weigh 139. I've only lost 1.5 pounds since last month. I guess that makes sense. I've been eating like a horse at night without any protein bars, I ate like a cow at On the Border, then ate all of those pints of ice cream. I was really hungry this month. So now I'm out of the 140's. Now it's just getting out of the 130's, and then I'm basically done? Wow. Amazing. From 175 to 139, and then 129, then 125. I wonder if I'll actually reach my goal. There's no reason to think I won't since I keep losing, even if it's just 1.5 pounds a month?

I don't know what else to say except I hope I can get away to get my medicine today and that they're open.

Out of Control Anxiety

I have so much anxiety that I can't stand it. I don't know what to do with it all. I can't remember last names of people, I'm almost gripped in terror. I just took 2 more Geoden after I've already taken all of my medicine for bedtime awhile ago. What do I do? It's almost midnight. I'm freaking out - I'm panicking. My head feels a little carsick and my stomach has lumps in it while it feels like it's about to leap out of my body. I'm so incredibly anxious that it makes me paranoid. I can actually feel parts of my body do this shiver type action out of anxiety. I took all those meds and I'm not the least bit hungry, either.

I have to get my Derm to work. He just HAS to get approved. If he doesn't, I might start crying on the spot. He called and left me a voicemail on my cell - he sounded SO happy and that he wanted to tell me the "good news" about his conversation with the client - that it went well and lasted about 30 minutes. I'm so happy for him. I really hope that I can help him. He deserves another chance. I know I don't know the whole story, but I've watched a man transform from someone without hope to someone with hope and see how it is affecting him - his whole personality in such a positive way. He REALLY has to get medmal approved. He deserves a second chance. Doesn't everyone? I think about it a lot, actually. I don't really care if I make a lot of money from this doctor, I just want him to be happy and successful. Get a good lifestyle going again, get married again, have a home for his children, I mean, he's been giving up his time for free when he was probably used to making a million/year. For years now. I think whatever happened he's learned his lesson. Give the poor guy a break. He couldn't possibly have done something so bad that his career is over forever. Not from what I've read about him. I will fight for him until there is nothing left. And if my boss fights with me, he will never find a more loyal employee. I want this doctor to have good things and a happy future and hope for the future for whatever he may hope for himself. Not that things are bad for him - I'm not saying that. But he's changed over the last few weeks. And I hope I don't have to snuff out any hope that I've given him. I will feel like such a loser if I do. Maybe that will be a sign to go into IT Recruiting. Perhaps this will be the ultimate test for me. If this can be done, then all things are possible.

I suppose I could try to sleep, I don't know what good that would do. I feel like my stomach is in this huge knot. I can't possibly be normal or healthy right now. What is wrong with me? Is it that I'm taking 30mg of Adderral instead of 20mg? How could that be? I'm really freaking the frig out. I just want some relief. Please God, just some relief, that's all. Maybe if I over medicate, I'll get some. I think I'll try....

I posted my resume and sent a few emails out and have had very positive feedback. I don't know what to do now. I still think that I should leave it on my Derm and see what happens. That will definitely affect my mood about my job. Even then, I'll still want to do a good job for Joe. I really respect him and think he's probably the best boss I've ever had - definitely the most respected by me that I've ever had. I don't know how he's accomplished that, because I don't usually trust people quite like this, but I do him.

Now for over medicating myself...

Work

Well, work is now an issue. Kim, the Recruiter manager, is out to get me. It's all because of a Derm that was hers, that she worked hard to get his explanations to get medmal approved, and he never sent them in. A Scheduler found his name off of AAD and gave it to him, and now he has commited to two schedulers for 2 different jobs. I had to go to Joe - David went with me, to get her to assign the doc to me. I told Joe I didn't want any repercussions, and there were. I got a review with "sometimes" marked on quality of work and on something else, I don't remember, and I was told it was because of "that one day". SOMETIMES? Because of one day? And then we had this stupid competition meant to motivate us, and then Kim ends up being the winner so far, and I think she was the one that created it. How stupid is that? It's only for like 1/2 day off, so who cares, but it is so demotivating. I was ready to put my resume online (which I did), and I told Tammy, who then told Joe, and who knows what else she told him because she goes into these speeches that are just out of control sometimes, and I just don't want to stir the pot any more than it already is. Now I feel like I need to tell Joe, but he probably sees me as a trouble maker and won't want to talk to me. If I talk to Joe again, Kim will really hate me then. Tony quit - for the same reasons that I'm facing. I just need out of there, don't I. But maybe every job is like this. I was so motivated for awhile there. And I still will be. It's just that I need Kim off of my aching back. I don't want her around me. And now I feel like I can't go to either her or Tamara for any reason at all. And I won't. And I've sat on this couch letting it eat me up all weekend which was stupid. Joe hasn't thought about it all weekend, so why should I? He doesn't care, so why even bother. I won't place any more doctors for Jan or Feb, so I don't see why it matters. I'll be seen as an underachiever, and then who cares. No one. I haven't even showered today. On another note, this bipolar whack job left me these messages on the bipolar board and I'm not returning them. I hope she gets out of her manic rage. Or not - it could be kind of fun unless she tracks me down and kills me.

Thanksgiving

Mark and I spent today together - we bought our Thanksgiving meal from the grocery store, and it was actually pretty good. I had breakfast and ate 2 protein bars, so by the time I had Thanksgiving dinner, I sat down, took a few bites, and couldn't eat any more. Maybe that's a good thing. Actually, I know it is.

I wrote my Dad an email and started writing about Papa and started crying. It's still not in the past. I'll be glad when I get my trust fund! I'm excited about it, although I don't tell anyone. I don't know how I'll feel about the money when I get it. I'm afraid I'll spend it all, when what I should do is invest it all. It's not my money, really. He chose my mother over me, I need to remember that, and that I was only a teenager. I was 19 at the time. And then I moved to a large city, and really, what would I have done or said? I worried about him being lonely. I don't know. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Yesterday I was worried that I was getting hypomanic. I felt so up and so anxious at the same time. I actually felt like drinking a glass of wine or something to chill me out a little bit. So I took a Geoden and 2 Klonipin. I think eventually it made me feel better, although in my mind I think I thought it wouldn't have made me feel better like a glass of wine would have. Isn't that weird for me to crave alcohol? Maybe it's my thinking of Dr. Rumsey being an alcoholic, or reading that bipolars are often self-medicating. Or maybe reading that bipolars often use that to chill out or bring themselves down made me think that it would work so I wanted to do that instead since it seemed like it would work better. Being up is definitely better than being down, but I end up doing things I regret later. Like sending weird emails and things I can't take back later. My actions are weird. But it's like I think about them and think about them until I do them. I reason it out in my mind and think that I think it through and it makes sense at the time, although it does seem a bit strange at the time. I hope that's not what is happening to me. I am sending out a lot of packets at work. Maybe too many. I'll probably never get any of them back. I've sent out over 20 this month, and maybe I shouldn't have. I'll be chasing down those packets forever, I just know it. But if I have a larger pool to draw from, isn't that better? What if I never place anyone again? What if I don't place the opthamologist? And I have no more placements? No packet ins? What if? And I'm just a total loser? I don't know what I should be doing. No one has really taught me how to find out how to place people. I'm just going on what I think I should be doing. Maybe it's like my trainer said - just ask everyone for each job, and see what they say. You never know.

Other than that, I'm watching the Cowboy vs. the Bronco game. My dad is watching, I know - he wants the Broncos to win, so of course I'm watching to make sure they don't and the Cowboys win.

I'm really anxious about my job. It's not so much that I want to be an overachiever. Don't get me wrong - that would be really nice. I just don't want to be an UNDERachiever. An achiever would be great. Being on the right track would be great. Meeting my goals would be heaven. But I can't even do that. Oh well.

Thanks, I don't know what else to say, except I hope I'm not hypo. I am listening to music more, though...

Anxiety Again

I have a lot of anxiety about going to work tomorrow - I think because it's my turn to play my tape in front of everyone. I know it's not a great tape, and I hate to be judged like that by everyone. Maybe my tapes are the worst, maybe I don't do things that everyone else does, maybe the way that I've tried to get packets back is horrible, I know the things that I didn't do and should have done, I'll just sit there and take it. I hope it's the first thing in the morning, but I think it's the last thing of the day. Just writing about it makes me feel better. I think I'm "what if'ing" myself to death, which is part of my panic attacks I think. So what if they think it's horrible, right? I'll learn from it and move on. Except I'll have to do ANOTHER tape within the next few weeks, and what if I don't get another good one? Not that this one is so good, but it's the best one I've had since last time. Work just makes me anxious. I'm always "what if'ing" myself, and I don't know how to get past that. What if I don't get a new doctor for three months. What if I place a doctor, but then he doesn't get approved by QA. What if I never get enough packets in and everyone else always does - what is wrong with me then? Why can't I get packets in? That really is a problem. I'd really rather not be Recruiter of the Month because then I won't have any new doctors for the next 6 months and it will look just horrible. What if the doctor that I said was so available never calls Joe back? And she probably won't, either. That's my horrible luck. I just don't have great luck when it comes to placing doctors. Everyone else has all of these "presentations", and I don't. Dr. W. will never make up his mind, and just string us along forever. I should find another doctor for that job, that's what I should do. And where has T. been? Is she going to stick around? It doesn't seem like she will. Or J. I think he's interviewing for jobs. And D. is so young in his career, I wonder how long he'll stay with his degree. I wonder if I were there for 2 years, would I be successful. Or would I still be so anxious all of the time. Or would I learn to live with it. Or is this just part of my illness.

I've been reading a bipolar book for the past few weeks, and it's taught me a lot about what I should and shouldn't do to take care of myself. Sleep is one very important key to staying healthy. That and keeping daily normal routines/schedules. And of course, remembering to take my medication daily and taking the same amount. I'm sure taking phentermine off and on again doesn't help. But I've made a "mood log", and put phentermine on it to see if it effects me at all. Yesterday, I slept until about 2, now that I think about it, and I didn't take my Adderall until then, either. Maybe that's what is wrong with me? Who knows.

The direction our country is heading is very important to me. I invest a lot of my time staying in touch with politics and current events. I have not agreed that going to war with Iraq was the thing to do before we went to war with Iraq, and now look. We shouldn't have gone at all, and here we are. We did and we were wrong, so now what? Oops, we made a mistake? The Republicans won't get us out of the war because they wanted us in the war, come hell or high water, to begin with. I find it interesting, though, that the Republicans in the Senate are breaking from the Bush administration and distancing themselves. And saying things against the administration. I know they are only saving themselves to be re-elected. So selfish. Just saying what they think people want to hear, and otherwise, when it's not near an election, voting however they want on issues. I say - judge a person by their actions. Some stood strong and tall by the Bush administration, now they are sagging in the polls at the same time they are speaking out against the administration. That's too coincidental. Of course I'm talking about Senator Santorum of Pennsylvania, a once die hard hawkish conservative, loyal Bush member. When the going is good for Bush, he's there, but when the going is bad for Bush is his poll numbers are sagging, he's out of there. I'm surprised a Republican is a Senator in Pennsylvania to begin with. It looks like one won't be for much longer.

I don't know what to think about Cheney lobbying Congress to let the CIA torture prisoners of war. Is that what America stands for? Are we a third world country? Can we really trust information gained by torture anyway?

Has this country gone completely and totally off its' rocker? We have no morals left, yet the Christians have never been so "keyed in" on politics before. How can they support this? I'm a Christian, and what I see doesn't go with my Christian beliefs.

Caught at Work

Dear Diary (haha),

Well, I was caught at work today. Yesterday was my "late day", so I came home, took my medicine, and went to bed about 10:30, way too late apparently for me. I woke up and I thought it was 6:00 until I really looked at my watch and realized it was 7:00. I rushed, made it out the door and pulled into the parking lot at 7:58. Good thing too, because K. and T. were walking down the hall when I was walking in. But then I realized that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I could hardly talk on the phone. And then I realized I had done it again - my medicine. I must have taken it too late, but now I realize it's not just when I take my medicine, it's when I actually go to bed as well. I have to be in bed by about 9:30 to be up when I have to be. So ridiculous. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday. I got home late, and left to get two candy bars and ate them. I was just out of my mind and didn't go to bed. I wasn't using good judgement because the meds kicked in I guess. I was afraid of this with Mark gone. I guess my schedule is out of whack because he's gone. I have no idea how I drove to work and how I drove home. It was one of those times, driving home, that I had to slap myself in the face a few times, and I even ran into one of those orange barrels on the side of the road. I just hit the side of one, but still. I was THAT drunk. Now I missed ANOTHER day at work. Now I'll never place another doctor. Now they think I miss that much more work. And the house is a mess, and I still feel tired, and everything has gone to pot. Why did that happen to me today at work? I don't understand. But I can't let myself get down about something I can't help. I didn't intentionally do that. And I tried to make myself work, and called Mark, and he said I should come home, not to stay at work like that. Maybe I should have stayed at work like that and just given it time to work its' way through. I woke up around 2, so around 12 I would have been fine. I don't know what to do if/when if happens again. I guess I'll just keep a log of it - how often it happens.

Mark Is Gone

Mark is gone on a business trip, and Cody stopped eating and just laid in the grass and in his bed outside in the cold all day. Today was the first day it got cold this season. The high was probably about 55 degrees. I didn't take Mark to the airport because I was just too tired, didn't want to drive the car back alone, and what was I going to do, just drop him off and not wait with him for the plane anyway? So he drove himself, and Cody flipped out and I almost took him to the emergency vet thinking he was sick again. He wouldn't eat the chicken I gave him. And he's been drinking a TON of water lately. I don't know why. It really is strange without Mark here, and it's strange being so cold. Cody acting the way he is is keeping my mind off of it though. I guess tomorrow I'll wear a sweater to work. I'll have to pick out what I'm going to wear tomorrow. And work - I still haven't placed anyone but 2 doctors. And I've been recruiting for 90 days now. I should ask for a 90 day review, shouldn't I? And J., a recruiter, is a male chauvenist pig. He hates that he is an equal or even a subordinate to women, I can just tell. I talk to D. all the time, but I have to be careful about what I say, because he tells everyone what everybody says. M. reminds me of Chuy - kind of the player guy type, but I like him most of the time. I probably drive him crazy with all of my questions and pushing doctors on him, but he does try to help the newer recruiters. I still can't believe I've only placed two doctors, but who knows, I could place one or two this week, right? I think my second doctor will start sometime this week, after Hurricane Wilma finishes whatever it is going to do in Florida. And a referral of that doctor called M., not me, about a job. But it's weird, because he and his "partners" want to work the job. I doubt he'll take it, but you never know. It was nice of M. to even tell me about it. I should apologize tomorrow for calling him - I didn't know that he had called M. back when I called and left the doctor a message. I suppose I have all of these docs up in the air, don't I? I should make a list so I don't forget. One doctor called me and said I was supposed to send him a list of the jobs in CA and TX and I didn't. I just barely recalled that conversation. I probably thought he was brushing me off - and he was one of the hardest doctors to find! I'm finding that calling all of those U. is starting to pay off, but not calling the D's. That is totally not paying off. I'm really into my job, but...I don't know how well I'm doing. I don't know what to judge it against. I don't want to judge it against the people that started with me. I can't say that I'm doing better or worse than either one of them. I don't want to say better, because if I'm not humble and get to thinking that I'm better, then I'll lose any edge I may or may not have, does that make sense? I don't want to lose that hunger, that scared feeling that I don't "have it". I don't want to get lazy. I should really be posting jobs right now, come to think of it. I'm so not tired, and it's 9:30, what am I going to do? I have so much anxiety!

I Ha te My Job

Did I ever even talk about the wedding? I don't think I ever did. Right now I just hate my life and my job. I got a verbal warning about being out of the office, so now I can't be late or out of the office for 90 days. Doesn't that suck? And I can't book any jobs because two Recruiters have all the doctors in the world and the Schedulers use their doctors for everything. And now the Recruiters are having to do this stupid immature "Board Meeting" thing where we have to stand up one by one and write down how many packets we sent out to doctors, how many we got in, how many we sent for pending jobs, how we rate our day, it's just so beneath us. Everyone stands there like they're taking a butt kicking. The Recruiters are not friends. They don't talk to each other like they are. And I guess we're not - we're all competing against each other. Even D. and I are competing because we're both staffing the same doctors. I'm wondering what I got myself into - the "Board Meeting" is really stupid and de-motivating. I started to cry on the way home when I was talking to Mark. I won't meet my goals but it's because other Recruiters have all of the doctors already. If T. already has 1000 doctors, where in the heck am I supposed to find some? I guess people decide every day to do LT, don't they. But I don't know how to find them. Maybe I just wait around for people to quit and then snag their doctors? Maybe it's just my whole life I hate. The messy, dirty, skanky house that I can't stand. Mark's job going so well while I'm in preschool at work. At least HE has a good job, what would I ever do if he didn't? But I hate relying on someone at the same time. It's a horrible feeling thinking that maybe you're not self-sufficient, and then on top of that, you hate your job, and what have you got? I think the verbal warning is what got me started, and now comparing me against everyone every day really sucks when I was doing so well for awhile there. Why weren't we comparing each other to each other then?? It sucks. I remember thinking this before though...I'll never get another doctor again ever. And then I don't know what I did or what happened to pull me out of that. Dr. L. was just a referral, I think, and then I had to do all of that work to get him that job. And then JH was luck from a Scheduler - he actually took the time to ask me about my doctors. But all of the jobs I've tried to get - just get - have fallen through and I don't know why. Three in one day. And none ever come back up. Which reminds me - I have a doctor to call tomorrow that I should have called today. I think just writing about it makes me feel a little better. Maybe writing about how much my job sucks every single day for the rest of my life will make me feel better. Because it does suck, and it probably will every day for the rest of my life unless I book a job. I probably will one day, and then THAT day I'll be happy, then it will go back to sucking again.

Eventful Day

This was an eventful day. First, my physician that was displaced from Louisiana that I had worked SO HARD to get his credentialing information got placed today! It should have made me really happy, but I think it just took so long that the happiness kind of slipped by a little at a time. I am happy, though, and it's an extra $170/month for about a year. So I guess I made $2000 today at work, besides my salary. Work is okay, I just always feel so anxious about it. And I have this "two on one" meeting with the two Regional VP's in November that I'm nervous about. I know they will mention me being gone sometimes, and maybe my lack of 100 calls per day? We'll see. I really don't want to do it, though. M. said he got the promotion he wanted at work, but I don't know what that is yet. He's at work still (it's 9:30p) because the power went out when he was leaving so he went back in and re-set servers and stuff, I don't know. And I talked to my ex-b ML, but I'm not sure I have much to say to him. I don't really know him anymore. He broke my heart, and I don't even know why, yet I don't ask him. He always seems so happy to see me online, yet what really happened between us? Oh my gosh I had the biggest crush on him. Ok, I probably fell in love with him. But did I? Did I even know who he was? Can you fall in love with someone when they don't share themselves with you? I mean, who they are really? I loved WHAT he was - he was so much fun, and so cute, not just looking, but acting - just adorable. He was really moody though. I think he gets depressed a lot. I guess I'll never know what happened. Maybe he found out I was married, that's what I think. That's when he started acting weird and treating me pretty crappy. He really broke my heart. Now that I think about it, why do I even give him the time of day. I'm stupid. Still that girl who just wants attention from him. But now just in a platonic way. I don't go out of my way to talk to him, he just happens to be on Yahoo Messenger, and happened to be on tonight when I was answering his little bleep to me from earlier. It's really day to day stupid stuff. It's almost like I wish I could have that feeling again, be in that time again, when it was so exciting and I was happy just being with him. Well, I say that, but there was one weekend where he didn't want to go out - he may not have been able to afford it, and I pouted all Saturday night. I was into partying then. He listened to Time-Life CD's, which now would make me happy, but back then I thought how boring, why don't we go DO something, go somewhere? I loved going places with him - he made everything fun. I just loved being with him. But that's what happens when you only date someone for the summer. Well, until October. From the spring until October, I think. Of 1842. No, let me see. It would have been...1993 or 1994. I saw him on his webcam, and he had just taken a shower and I thought his hair was short, but he had it combed back. His hair is one of his best qualities. He keeps it cut above his shoulders, about all one length. Normally I would say gross - cut that hair and keep it out of your face. But not his. It's like this beautiful sexy thing, kind of wavy, but not curly or nasty, just enough to give it some body. And brown, but this deep, rich brown. Gosh, it sounds like I'm in love with him all over again. He's so small that when I was 125, we could wear each others shorts. He would hop out of bed, or I would hop out, and we would grab a pair of shorts on the floor, and figure out a minute or two later that one of us would have the other person's shorts on. He's that small. But still well-defined. I'm not even talking about his personality, am I. He was the meanest boyfriend at the end that I've ever had. I mean MEAN. He never broke up with me, he just kept getting meaner and meaner. He would even let other people listen to him be mean to me while he was on the phone with me and laugh about it. I know he was pissed when I moved to Fort Worth instead of closer to him, but maybe not. Maybe he just found out I was married. Maybe he just didn't like me anymore. Maybe...who knows? See? Mark is talking, blah blah, I'll end it now.

I Hope No One Knows This Is Me...

I hope no one knows this is me. I overheard a coworker talk about how he found his pastor's blog and it talked about picking up women and everything. What if a coworker found this blog? That would be the ultimate nightmare. I might have to quit! I don't think I've ever said my name on here? I'll have to go back and re-read all of my posts now.

The wedding was fine. I've never seen my friend (I can't say her name now) look as happy as she did ever. She is truly in love and happy. She was completely in the moment. My dress was ok - I ended up getting it altered because it was too long and the top part was too big, and I had actually lost almost 10 pounds from the time I ordered it. The last time I weighed which was before my friend's wedding, I weighed 144.5. I'll have to go re-read my blog and see where I started before I started losing weight. If that's true, then I only have 15 - 20 more pounds to go! Wow. 15 more pounds to go. That sounds so simple. Really though, 20 is more like it, but I'd be happy with 15. If I weighed 129.5, I'd be so happy. I say I would be, but in all honesty, I'd just think about how much more I needed to lose. Anyways, back to the wedding. I don't know how I'd fit into that dress if I still weighed 150-153. I barely fit into it as it was. It was pretty snug. My friend looked very pretty. I think I'd be very happy if my wedding turned out to be like hers. Very simple, elegant, nothing went off badly. Nothing was tacky. Maybe the Star Wars music, but that was about it. And the DJ at the end which made us leave, but he was good until the end. I would love to get my hands on those bridal pictures of the bridal party. I wonder how I looked? Fat with flat hair, although I really liked how my hair and makeup turned out, even if I did have to get up at 5:30am to get it done. My hairdresser is so interesting! She had a fight with her husband the night before, and boy was she pissed. I hope they don't break up because she was so in love with him when I first met her. I don't want them to split up. I want her to be happy because she reminds me so much of myself. I have a hair appointment with her this Friday after work to get my hair cut - thank God!

This guy at work is really making me scratch my head. He asks me all kinds of weird questions, like what is my middle name, what year was I born, was I ever a vegetarian, how do you spell my name and then why is my name spelled the way it is? Today he said he asks probing questions because it's a sales technique. Is it? And if so, does he do it to everyone, because if he does, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I've told him it does. Sometimes I don't answer his questions and turn the question around on him instead. Why does he have to know so much about me? I don't like it. He kind of reminds me of the guy where I used to work - the player. But maybe he's like this to everyone. I can't figure him out, which is driving me crazy. I think he's right - he's trying to sell himself so I'll want to place my people with him - in the gov't instead of private. I think my pending physician, I'll try to put into private if he doesn't hear anything from the gov't tomorrow.

I hope I'm doing okay at work. I know I"m not doing so well at home. The house is a total disaster. My neighbor probably hates me for not answering the door when I told her I would. I'm starting to get tired, and still have to check my posts.....

This Weekend

I don't think I'm doing very well at work. I'm not getting any jobs. I only got the one and it was because of Keith - he got it for me. And now I'm scared to call and ask my doctors to go to work for me, and other doctors that I don't have jobs are calling me asking me for work. When will the two ever come together perfectly? Never? I tried posting on all sorts of free boards today, I hope I don't get in trouble at work. I used my direct line, though, and that could be trouble. I can tell if someone is calling my direct line because I can see the number they are calling instead of the receptionist's name.

I have this wedding "gig" to do that I just don't want to do. Next week is the bachelorette party, and I have nothing to wear. I don't have my dress altered, I ordered a form fitting undergarment, but had to order it too small and now it probably won't fit. I haven't started tanning, and the wedding is in 2 weeks. I'm getting my hair done, hopefully, next week. I should get Kellie a wedding gift. I just don't want to do this. The dress looks dreadful on me, even Mark says it does. So what do I do? March in front of all of those people and look terrible? I can't believe that's what I'm supposed to do. It's a size friggin' 14 and it's too small, and I wear a 10. I guess I should have gotten a 16? Who would have known. I hope I don't blow this off for Kellie's sake.

The house is a mess, I just don't have confidence in myself as a recruiter, and have no idea how I'll find good doctors. It seems to me like all the them have already been taken by other recruiters. I spent a few hours sending emails this weekend, and you just watch - I won't get a single email back from anyone at all. All those hours, and nothing. At least it's worth a try. I'm doing what I can. Maybe the calls really are the best thing I can do. And I should just concentrate on those. Maybe that's when I did my best? When I made a ton of calls? I'll try that this week - making at least 125 calls - day. No matter what.

I feel anxious. Maybe it was the Starbucks coffee.

And Bush is just the worst president ever. I don't "buy" the fact that he's had this incredible bad streak of luck since he's been president. I think he's created it- all of it. Yes, even 9/11. Who knows what went on behind the scenes, and there was information that it was going to happen beforehand. Just like the aid in New Orleans - what took 4 days for help to arrive? How could New Orleans not be accessible for 4 days? It's one of the most accessible cities in the world - 4 days did not make the water recede enough for them to get help. And then there's the war. No WMD, yet here we are, still at war, after years of "mission accomplished" announced in bold, bright letters. People jailed without knowing what their crimes are and not given a date where they can go before the court - just being kept captive, and for what, they have no idea. All of the American lives lost over NO WMD, and all of the Iraqi citizens lives lost. And for WHAT? Because we were wrong about Iraq having WMD. We were WRONG. Yet here we are. And Iraq doesn't seem very happy with our "excuse" for the war - freeing them. How can military occupation seem free? I so long for the Clinton years. Things were much better then. Things were under control, civil liberties were moving forward, not backwards. Gas prices were steady, not doubled. There was no war like Vietnam. No 9/11. No Hurricane Katrina that left people without aid for 4 days. And if there had been a Hurricane Katrina, there would have been aid immediately. I think anyone knows that in their heart, whether they like Clinton or not. He was all about the people - ALL of the people. Bush is not about the people. He never has been. He's about "his kind of people", and screw the rest. Well, I say screw him. But I always have said that.

And for that, I say I'm thankful for my family - for Mark and my dog, because I know that they are here for me, and I for them. Good values still exist about helping each other. I just wish Bush believed he was the true "father" of the country and took care of those he led. I don't mean welfare, etc., I mean helping those in need, like the victims of Hurricane Katrina. He basically did an "F You" to them.

So I Was Wrong

Okay, so I was wrong about the hurricane. Well, not really. I was right in that New Orleans did not receive the full blunt of it, and instead, it veered away from New Orleans. I never could have imagined what actually happened after the hurricane. I just can't stop thinking about it, and can't get enough information about it from the internet, or stop looking at pictures of the victims and the ruins. On Friday, I tried to work with a Urologist from New Orleans who wanted a job, but didn't have any of his documentation to get a job. Then he gave me a reference from another Urologist in Florida, and I found that he was on vacation from New Orleans, and wanted a job too, as well as losing all of his documentation. Urologists are hard to find that will do temporary jobs. And here I have two ready to work, and I don't know how to get them jobs. I will work on it really hard tomorrow. But I can't keep all of my eggs in one basket.

Bush infuriates me. I think he honestly went to New Orleans and was moved by what he saw and felt horrible and responsible as the caretaker of the country. But 5 days to get relief for the people of Louisiana? Yes, I do blame Bush. I don't think it's a "race thing". I think it's a "priority thing". I'm sure in his state, I know without a shadow of a doubt had that occurred it NEVER would have taken 5 days to get aid. Not where Bush grew up, his family lives, his children grew up, and he was governor. It just wouldn't have happened. When I compare the two, it is crystal clear to me that there was a delay that didn't need to happen. Why has all of these horrible things happened since Bush has been president? 9-11? Hurricane Katrina? The Iraq War which is the most ridiculous war in the entire world because it was on false pretenses of WMD which we never found. But everyone seems to forget why we really went to war, and why we just couldn't wait one second longer - because Iraq posed this incredible threat to us. Yeah, right. Now our National Guardsmen were in Iraq when we needed them in Louisiana - what were they doing in Iraq?? I thought they were supposed to be here in America for things like what just happened - the Hurricane?

People always defend Bush by bringing up things that Democrats have done in the past that they think is worst than what Bush has done. Who cares? It doesn't take away from what the truth is today - here and now. I could do the same with past Republicans. What Bush is doing and has done today has nothing to do with anything that a Democrat or Republican has done in the past and shouldn't be compared. When I talk about Bush, I'm talking about Bush, and not trying to compare him to anyone. How can you compare him to anyone when situations are completely different? I never even say "at least Clinton..." or something like that. It's always brought up to me that some Democrat was worse somehow. That doesn't take away what a president, the worst in my entire lifetime, has done and how he has led this country. And no, I don't remember Jimmy Carter, but yes, I think Bush is worse. And I think history will not look favorable upon him.

So today is Labor Day, and it came so fast. I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow. It's as if I want to go back to work when I'm not working, and I want to be home when I'm at work. I think it's just because I hate to get up in the mornings and I don't like making cold calls. And when I actually get a doctor on the phone, I panic. That's the whole idea - to get a doctor on the phone. But I still panic. And then there's the whole uncomfortable feeling when I have to tell a doctor that they don't qualify for our malpractice insurance because of whatever reason and just shatter their dreams and their confidence in themselves as a doctor. How crappy is that?

I need to start getting to work early so I can check the website for new doctors before the other two team members do. I had no idea there were only three of us doing "ologies" in the midwest.
Not very many - I thought there were so many more. That makes me feel more confident.

Guess that's it, except I am so fat now. I can feel myself getting fatter and fatter. What do I do??? And if I were in the flooding of New Orleans, and Mark, Cody and I were on our roof waiting to be rescued and they wouldn't let me take Cody, I don't think I could leave without him. How can I just leave my dog? I don't think I could.

Not Much To Say

I toldl my doctor about my anxiety, and he suggested I take Geoden in the morning. I tried that on Friday, and almost fell asleep at my desk on Friday morning. I can't take it in the morning. I think I'll use it as an "emergency" medication. But I don't think I feel as anxious anymore. I'm eating again (which isn't good) - I'm actually hungry, and my stomach isn't all tied in knots. I think that day after day with no relief from the anxiety just makes it worse and worse until I can't take it. Perhaps taking Geoden in the afternoon when I already feel anxious won't make me sleepy at work and will just take the anxiety away instead. I haven't needed it this weekend yet. And it's Sunday at 6pm.

I've also eaten like a cow this weekend, but maybe I do every weekend? Let's see...I ate meatloaf, mac and cheese and broccoli Friday night (I think I ended up giving Cody some of it), then some chicken strips, cole slaw, and mashed potatoes with gravy, and some "Everything But the..." ice cream yesterday, then an egg mcmuffin and one chicken strip, the rest of the cole slaw, the rest of the mashed potatoes and gravy, and half of a protein bar today. See what I mean? I've eaten like a cow. And it's what I've eaten. Horrible. I feel like my stomach is huge - I mean much bigger than normal. And I was below 150 finally. I couldn't bring myself to weight myself since I had lunch at least once last week. Maybe twice?

It's good to get out of the office, though. I need to convince myself that, for work, I will find more doctors. I keep thinking I'll never find another one, but then I remembered today, that I found several doctors last week who didn't meet our malpractice guidelines. I would have had a few more doctors if it weren't for that. So maybe I'm not doing as bad as I think I am - maybe I didn't have as bad of a week as I thought I did. I need to convince myself of that. Over and over I need to tell myself that. And I need to shut up about the location - when they say "where?" I need to say "where are you willing to go?". Or something like that, maybe? Instead of saying...maybe I already do. I push the licensing department to hard. When I know it's not such a reality. I put unrealistic expectations in their heads. Well, not really - not if they take significant assignments.

I cleaned the kitchen today. It feels good to have a clean kitchen, except I didn't sweep and mop the floor. The house is a total mess, but at least the kitchen is mostly clean. Maybe I can work on another room in the house on another day.

Tomorrow there is supposed to be a hurricane in New Orleans. I wonder if it will really be as bad as it is supposed to be. Somehow I don't think it will be. But I could be wrong. We'll see tomorrow.

Thanks.

What Was I Thinking

I'm such a dork sometimes. Why would I think of Dan? I chatted through MSN Messenger with him, and he mentioned that he used to go to Shoney's for breakfast and then bowling everyday after work. I never knew that. I was practically a prisoner in the house. What a total jerk he is. I don't know why that disgusts me so much. It really does make me mad, though. How he was doing these things, having a gay-ole time, and I was stuck in this prison hell. He really had his way - what an asshole. And why would he keep it a secret? Just who was he with every day, bowling and having breakfast with? That's probably the better question. What a jerk. All of this was happening right under my nose, and I think I knew it, but didn't have proof. How can you go rewind time and change things? There are so many things I wouldn't do. I would never have gotten involved with him. Or Steve M. Or Marc. But these are all in hindsight. I probably would have gotten involved with other people in the same time period that I would be naming right now. I'm so glad that I'm in a relationship that I can trust someone. I totally trust Mark. I didn't for awhile. I wonder how in the world he can be with me and love me - I feel unlovable and unlivable-with. He doesn't act like I am, but I believe and feel like I am. Why should he love me? Sometimes, and I know it's my low self esteem, but I wonder why does he think so little of himself that he is comfortable being with me and doesn't want to be with someone better? He surely deserves someone better. But if I think and really truly believe that, I'll sabotage this relationship and I don't want it to end - ever. The only person that I've ever truly trusted can't leave me, I would be devastated. I don't know that I would ever recover. But I don't know that it's not something that I don't deserve. Blah. What's all this talk about men - I have this new job that is totally freaking me out. I feel like I'll never get another doctor again who wants to do LT, and then what do I do? I don't think that Dr. Liv. will ever answer my call or call me about going to Houston, and Michelle did all this work based on him going to Houston. He said he would, so what am I supposed to do? Just someone's word? I hope Dr. H. goes on that job, and I hope Dr. V. gets a job. I guess I have several jobs going, it's just that they could all fall through, and I'd have none. Oh well.

Sometimes I Wonder...

...about Dan, by ex-boyfriend. He treated me pretty badly, but because there was always so much turmoil in our relationship, there was always a lot of passion. I know that I could see him whenever I wanted - he lives in Oklahoma, and I live in a southern state, but he's made it very clear, even though he's now married with a child. Mark came downstairs. This is a conversation better left without him sitting next to me.

Can't Sleep - Anxiety - Job

Okay - so what if I never get another "packet out" for another doctor this week, or EVER? I'm so anxious about this all of the time that I never let myself go to lunch for fear that I won't get my 100 calls in each day. What do I do? I know that I had zero doctors by this time last week, so maybe it happens in the latter part of the week? I don't know. It seems like I had two on Wednesday, after our meeting. But I doubt I'll have any today. Because I haven't had any at all this week so far. What am I doing wrong? What was I doing before? Is it because I was getting things passed on to me from other people? Maybe I'm a horrible salesperson. I think I just might be, or I'd have more doctors. Maybe I wouldn't have more, but they'd be coming in about now, which they aren't.

Anxiety

Well, after 4 Klonipin and 1 Geoden, I'm feeling much better. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself at work. I can't be this "superstar". I may have no more "packets out" next week, and that's ok, that's to be expected. I'll just make lots and lots of phone calls. I need to figure out my boss's spreadsheets that he was trying to show me. When do I enter them, what do I enter, etc. It was nice that he took a personal interest in me, but I shouldn't get a big head. We're there as a team, and I need to remember that. I'm not there to impress everyone, but there to fill the jobs that the marketers have already sold, otherwise, there would be no jobs for any physician that I recruit. But I'm only getting ready to start on my second week solo on the phones, so I think some learning curve is expected. I think I just got lucky last week, and this week may be my eye-opener. At least I will have physicians to put on my "hot doc" list for Wednesday's Midwest meeting. I think three is a very desirable number. I need to look for jobs for them before Monday, though. I think I'll do that first thing when I get in tomorrow. I'll get in early and check that out. And then just bang out the calls, and do my best to keep track so I can turn in my sheet with something that looks similar to the calls I've taken for the day. I just don't understand what counts as a call, or I don't remember when I've actually made a call. I need to slow down and think more. See how obsessed I am? See how much anxiety I have about my job? It's constantly on my mind. It would be good to have a day to just bang out the calls. Mondays are probably busy for physicians, so I may have that chance.

I think everything is going well with Mark and I. He's pretty quiet and doesn't say a lot what is on his mind about our relationship, so I assume quiet means everything is okay. I would be so unhappy and lost without him. He's my rock. He's everything to me. I do love him more than anything. He's my whole family. Him and Cody. Without them, I wouldn't have a family at all! I know I could make friends and get out of the house more, but I've been in this situation for about 9 years or so, and this is comfortable for me, and it's home, no matter where Mark and I are. We've been through so much together that I can't imagine being without him. I suppose I can if I really tried, but I don't like to.

Tonight on "Intervention", they are going to show bipolars and schizophrenics that need intervention. Obviously, they must be out of control otherwise they wouldn't need an intervention. I'll be curious as to how they portray the bipolar. I'm sure whacked out and completely not like me at all. I'm really not like the normal bipolar, but maybe all bipolars say that. I definitely take enough meds for a real bipolar, but I have this issue diagnosed as general anxiety disorder. That's when I "what if" myself to death. The Klonipin and Geoden have kicked in, so I'm better, but I still feel it in the pit of my stomach.

What else...the show starts in about 34 minutes, and I'm looking forward to it, even though Six Feet Under is on at the same time - my favorite show. I'll have to watch Six Feet Under sometime this week. I hope I keep thinking that everyone at work is nice. I need to remember how it felt to be new and go out of my way to be nice to the new people even though they know that I'm new, too. Just to have an ally, even though there are FOUR of them, is helpful. There are two MW people - one recruiter and one scheduler, so I'll need to make friends with both - especially the scheduler.

Next week is one of my co-workers parties that I feel obliged to go to. I need to make sure he knows that I want to work as a team. Inviting someone to your home is incredibly personal, and not showing up can be hurtful to that person. So I'm going with Mark. It was nice of Mark to say he'd go. Wonder how my post will read about the party. I hope good. I know that I won't remember everyone's name. I need to ask my trainer if she is bringing her boyfriend, and tell the other trainer that I'll just give her $10 instead of bringing chips.

Well, that's it for me except I don't really know what I did this week. I saw Wedding Crashers - IN THE FIRST FRIGGIN ROW, but it was cute. I went to the bookstore and bought a book my trainer recommended. Other than that, not diddly squat. I'm sitting here with wet hair because I just took a shower. At 7pm on a Sunday. We'll see what bipolars do on that show - when they shower if they shower. (haha)

C'ya.

First REAL week of work

Well, after my two weeks of training, last week was my first "real" week of work. Everyone says I'm doing so well - that getting "packets out" - packets are credentialing information that physicians have to complete to be approved for medical malpractice insurance - in my first week is really good. My trainer said she doesn't really know what to do with me because I'm still supposed to be listening to my tapes and trying to get past receptionists, etc., not actually sending packets out yet. But it's fun. I got a little bit of "social anxiety" after talking with the receptionists of dermatologists in WI. They were so nosy and mean! Apparently, there was some kind of conference going on, and the doctors were all there last week, so maybe they just didn't want to take a message for their doctor who wasn't going to be back until next week. I think it's cool that in our next Midwest meeting, I will actually have "hot doctors" on my list for the Marketers/Schedulers to see. I'll have at least 3. I also went to an after hours party for a girl who got promoted to "Senior", the level after the one I'm at - "Consultant". Everyone was pretty nice. My boss came and showed me all of these reports that I just don't quite understand or grasp yet. I think he wants me to track my packets out starting last week, but I'm not really sure when to update the list or how to do it. I'll have to ask my trainer. And how to do the daily log exactly. If it should be printed out, put on her and my boss' desk, or what. I think my trainer IS my boss, and the person I'm calling my boss is my boss's boss. If I'm that much older than everyone and everyone thinks so, they don't act that way and don't treat me that way. And anyways, people just started - 4 more after me, so I'm already not the newest person there. I've found that so far, I've had the most success with asking the receptionist if I can leave a message for the doctor, instead of asking for the doctor themselves first. Then I tell them I am calling about a professional recommendation, and doctors are actually calling me back. I was starting to send out a lot of information to doctors and not "closing the deal". I was telling my trainer about it, and she worked with me, telling me she hardly ever sent out information, and instead tried to get their availability and send them out packets, even if they said they couldn't work in a year. So I can do that. I'm actually very proud of myself and my success in week 1. What if I start really sucking? What if people start being mean to me outside of Wisconsin, and doctors just call me back because they are polite in WI? I guess I'll find out. I want to be the best at what I do. And when I have competition, because I will, someone will come along and pick it up better and faster than me, I hope I can accept it and be happy for them. I may just have had a fluke of a week, but it makes me want to go back to work and work REALLY hard. I want to start making some commission money. And I want the house to be clean, I wish I had taken a shower, I wish I was so much thinner, I wish I had more friends at work, I wish Mark and I were closer, I wish so much. I guess "I wish" is better than "What if". Maybe it's the same, just said differently. I'm so anxious about work. When I'm not at work, that's all I think about. But Mark had the perfect advice. When I get off the phone from a bad call, just think that the next one is a clean slate, that they don't know who I am, and that the person is a fresh and brand new person to talk to with a new chance. That was the best advice I had for last week. Like I said, those derm recp. really got the better of me. I suppose I should shower now. I'll write more later.

Just Blogging Along

Thought I'd post something when my head isn't wrapped around something so tightly that it can't breathe unless I get it all out somehow.

Our previous landlord, before we bought our house, has decided to sue us for just under $5000.00. Plus court costs and attorney fees, for ripped carpets and holes in swing doors. Now the house was only 1645 sf (I looked it up on the internet - the sf) and I don't see how, if the carpet even WAS ripped, which it couldn't have been - how do you even rip up carpet??? it would have cost anywhere near $5000 to replace, including some swing doors, whatever those are. When we gave him our deposit and first month's rent for the house, we left after him and saw the bumper stickers on his car. One said "Rush was right", and I had a bad feeling about our decision then. I know it's horrible to prejudge, but a Republican just "out there" like that - a capitalist who is THAT fanatical, well...here we are. This is what we get for trusting a person like that. I guess I'm making this political? All of a sudden, just writing this out, I think I have. Mark is going to talk to an attorney tomorrow and I bet they'll want a retainer of $1000 or $1500 or even $2000. (I think it might be high because I found the law firm myself and tried to find the best law firm I could - they're trial attorneys). I'd like to countersue. For one thing, I was always very sick in that house. I had five tumors/cysts removed from my uterus, sinus surgery, and now Cody has these infections that could have dated back to that house. I think it had black mold. I had these horrible migraine headaches that I just don't have anymore. They're gone. All gone. I do get sinus headaches every few months, but I use a steamer with eucalyptus oil in it and the headache is gone by the next day (I do it at night and go to bed). How could those headaches have just vanished? Unless it was working for (a big 5 consulting firm), I don't know. But working for (that company) doesn't make you have surgeries. Except for lobotomies.

Work is okay, I think. I worry that I'll never be a recruiter, period. I'll never have a doctor, I'll never send a packet out. The next recruiter will start after me and send packets out left and right and I still won't have a single packet out. Just calling and leaving messages over and over and over. I do worry about that a LOT. I want to be successful, and I'm willing to wait to be successful, I just worry that others will be successful while I'm waiting the normal time to be successful. I hope it's just a numbers game and I hope I find my "niche" - what will get me in with the receptionists, etc. I hope I can be creative enough to do that.

I lost a few pounds. I weighed this morning and was at 150.5. I don't know where I started at when I started this blog. I actually thought I had gained weight and would be at about 155 or 156, and was really happy about 150.5. I hate that no one looks at me like I'm pretty. I know what it's like to be looked at when you're pretty, and I don't get those looks. I wonder if I lost weight, if I'm now too old to be looked at like I'm pretty. Probably. I hope I get the chance to at least see.

I'm sure there's more to write about. The house is always a mess, I cut my bangs too short and I'm embarrassed by looking like I'm out of the 80's, my skirts always seem a tad too short and ride above my knees when I sit down at work, but that's about it.

Oh! Cody is so much better!!! He is supposed to go to the vet on Monday, but we can't afford the $350 for the medicine and sonogram, so Mark is going to go and get more antibiotics until we can get him the sonogram. But he's eating a lot, drinking a lot, more playful - maybe more than he's been in a long time. He actually was chewing on a real bone last night, not his Grandpaws! I was happy. I AM happy for Cody and for us. I love Cody so much. But if you've been reading my blog, you already know that.

2nd Day of Training

So today was my second day of training on my new job. And I was all psyched up about it and everything. And this girl - she's not even that cute, but used to be a flight attendant for many years, said, at lunch, that she had noticed (or had we all noticed) that everyone was pretty young at this company. I said yes, probably because the building was just 3 years old. She said no, she thought it was because people used it as a springboard to other opportunities, and that is what she was planning on doing. She said she was going to work in medical sales for a few months, and then get a job in pharmaceutical sales. She asked another girl why she didn't do that with her medical sales background, and she said she had tried to get a job like that, but she guessed she wasn't what they were looking for because she never got the job, I guess. Then she said I think you have to be tall and thin and the other girl said YES! It is - you do! You have to be stacked too! Just like that. So basically, she's saying she is all of these things to be a pharmaceutical sales person, and this other girl isn't. What a witch. How into yourself can you really be? She said she had a friend who was one, and she wasn't very smart, but bought herself a "new set and a new butt" with the money and she was almost 40. I'm 36! Almost 37! I didn't dare say that though. She said she was getting ready to turn 29, and I thought she was already in her 30's. I really don't think she's all that cute. But anyway, who am I to say? I am SO FAT that I can't believe it. I saw myself in the windows at work today and couldn't believe what a blown up fish stuffed in clothes I looked like. I have to lose weight, but how? I'm getting desperate, but then I just ate a salad at lunch, and I don't eat lunch! I'll join the gym when I start working as a Recruiter. And then I don't even know how important my job is. Maybe it's a job that people look down on, because the teacher likes to talk about the Sales Reps ALL THE FRIGGIN time. But we do have a lot of sales reps in our class. But still. I guess sales always is most important, right? It sucks. The house is such a disaster and a mess. Eileen from work kept saying my name during her presentation at work - she was SO NICE. It made me feel really good. She recognized me in the bathroom too. I really like her. I bet in future posts she'll probably be the one I end up hating. I hope I never hate anyone at work. I hope no one ever hates me. I just hope I LIKE work. Right now I don't. It's boring. And I'm nervous about meeting the team. And I HOPE LIKE HELL I don't have to sit in the aisle. I walked upstairs today to see if there were any desks in the aisle where surgery is supposed to be (somewhere upstairs) and I saw two desks in the aisle. I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but there WERE supposed to be two recruiters added to surgery, and I saw two desks in the aisle with no one sitting at them on the second floor. PLEASE GOD LET ME HAVE MY OWN CUBICLE!!!! And let me like my job, and be successful at it. And help Mark with his job and his job search - help us both see what you really want for our lives and give us the desire to do it. Amen.

:-)

Oh yes, and watch over little Cody. He's been throwing up a lot the past few days. Double Amen this time. :-)

Is IT Me? Or HIM? Or?

My mind is racing so fast. Am I manic? I got so angry - dysphoric. My panic went up so fast and the "what if's" were out of control. I was watching a show called "Intervention" about drug addicts getting help, and Cody kept coming to us wanting attention - very much not like him. Mark couldn't stop playing his game for one single g*d damned second to pay attention to what was going on with Cody, and it just escalated with me. It still is. I'm still getting angrier and angrier about it. I want to go upstairs and just yell at him over it. He couldn't off his stupid assed g*d damned game and Cody is SICK! I know he is! I kept trying to tell him his eyes are looking cloudy, he is coming to us to take away how he feels, and he wouldn't stop playing his stupid f*cking computer game for one second! God I 'm mad! As HELL! I can't get over it, I just can't. He actually had the nerve to say that it wasn't that Cody was sick, it was that I wanted him to get off of his game, which I never said to get off of your game, because you "haven't socialized enough today". Well F*CK YOU! Cody is sick, damned you, and I don't care what you have to say about me or anyone else, when Cody is sick, get you damned ass of of the computer and get your head in the f*cking real world for just two g*d damned seconds! Man am I sick of this. I am in a total rage, and I just can't go back upstairs. I'm so mad at him. God I"m mad. Am I sick? I took 2 klonipin not that long ago. I feel adrenaline running through my body. I tried to lay down, but my heart was beating fast, and it was like I wasn't even laying down but almost hovering above the bed. If that makes any sense. Maybe I'm just panicked because I don't know what to do if Cody is sick, and I'm looking for the answer in him, and he won't pay attention to the clues Cody is giving. Cody already tried to throw up earlier this afternoon, and he just isn't acting right. He's panting, his eyes look a little cloudy, and he wasn't quite as alert as he normally is. But he did eat the chicken that I gave him with a Pepcid in it that was Mark's fault, when I kept asking him over and over what did we have to make Cody better. I feel trapped. My heart is beating fast, like I took a bunch of ephedrine. Is it me? Or is this situation real? Is it simply my true reaction, or am I getting sick? When we were watching that show, I almost convinced myself that Mark was sleeping with prostitutes. I started to get mad at him about it. He raised his voice about it, and I decided he only did that to get the attention off of himself. Now I wonder if he does. See? Isn't that crazy? I haven't been paranoid like this in years. Years? Yes, years I think. I forgot what it felt like. But maybe it was Mark, not me. Maybe it's him, not me. I could just slap that snide little remark right off of his face - that I haven't socialized enough today, when I'm worried about the dog. I could smash his laptop in pieces right now I'm so mad. Maybe this is how I felt when I tore all of those Playboy magazines up and threw the pictures all over the garage. That was crazed. Man I must have been so mad. Maybe writing about all of these things is better than actually doing anything. Then I can decide later, when the feelings subside, what is real. I'll read this later, and see what I think. If I over-reacted. I'm almost afraid to stop writing, because my mind will still be going. Maybe I should post on the bipolar board.

No Money, No Job

Well, we have no money first of all. I tried to use my card yesterday to buy lunch, and it didn't work. So I called Mark. And found out that he hadn't deposited his check because there wasn't enough money in the account for it to clear. We're -664.50 or something like that in our checking account. I did get the job that I interviewed for and found out yesterday morning, so I quit this morning by email, and my boss called me and told me he'd pay me for today and then I could come up on Monday and talk to Lucy and Nicole, give back the keys and and get my things. So I'll do that. I guess. But I'm freaking out over #1 MONEY. And I mean REALLY FREAKING OUT. IT was just like this last time this year. We came within days of losing our house. This is why I got a job. I started looking last July and found one in February of this year as a Recruiter, I think. Amazes me to think I've been a recruiter for only 5 months now. At 3 firms. Ha. So now we have no money, except for this check I have in my purse for about $540.00. That's all we have. And hopefully another check coming for $540.00. And then nothing until I get paid from my new company. And that's another thing. I stretched the truth on my application and resume for the new company. I said I'd been with AR for about a year and a half longer than I really had. I'd only been there for a month. So when they do the background check, they could catch it and not hire me. And then I'm totally out of a job. I may have just totally messed everything up - but I didn't know Mark wasn't getting paid. I shouldn't have lied. I should have tried to get the job on my own merits. But I didn't. I had holes in my resume and I probably wouldn't have gotten the job. I am freaking out even on a Geoden and 2 Buspar. Klonipin doesn't seem to help this at all. How can I pay for gas? For food? For utilities? I'm really freaking out. And what if I don't get that job. Dang. But Mark could still get paid, or he could get a FTJ really soon, who knows? I wonder if it will be all bad news or all good news. I should have written a post after I got the job and I was happy, but there wasn't time. I found out about the job around 11:00am, went to lunch around 1:00p and used the card, called Mark right afterwards, and freaked out, so it didn't give me time to be happy. Now I'm out of control freaked out. And I mean OUT OF CONTROL. What are we going to do??????????? Lord Jesus, please help us!!!!! Is that ridiculous? I hope it's not ridiculous to ask for help. But why do I always want my faith when the chips are down. It's so hypocritical. I'm so sorry, God. I need You all the time, not just in bad times. Man, I'm totally freaked out. TOTALLY. REALLY. Anxious to where I don't know what to do and just want to sleep. Maybe I will.

2nd Interview and Current Job

I had my 2nd interview today at the recruiting company, and in my view, it went much better than I could have imagined. In my opinion, they are going to hire me, their mind is made up. But there could be someone more qualified in the health arena. They told me that they are a decisive group and someone would call me - Corinne if she was not sick and back in the office - tomorrow morning. I wonder what will happen if she is still sick. I won't call, I guess, if they don't call me. They have my number. And my email address. Work is out of control. Alan is out of control He thinks Lucy and I should have about 23 starts between us. That's luducrous! We can't possibly have that many starts for two people! And it's almost like he's training me to do sales. I don't want to do sales. I want to sell people on jobs, but not sell companies on using my company to staff for their contract jobs. I just don't. I feel kind of sick in my stomach tonight wondering if I'll get that job. It's a long drive from where I live - back where I used to work before where I work now, and that's pretty far. I worry about being late because of my medicine. I'll just have to bite the bullet. Take my meds earlier or something. If I don't get the call that I got the job, I'll be really disappointed. If I do get the call that I got the job (which I really doubt - these things that I really want usually don't turn out for me) then I'll be anxious about how to tell my boss that I'm quitting. I'm afraid he'll be mad and freak out. He chose me because I'd been at "a big 5 consulting firm" for 8 years - he wanted someone who wouldn't do exactly what I'd be doing. As if I'll get the job. Right. Whatever. So tomorrow I won't get the job, and I'll have to face the music on this job with Yum that I can't get filled, and the candidate they want is now backing out. I would be searching for someone right now, but our email system is down. Guess I could do it through my personal email. But then I couldn't bcc.

I feel physically ill because I don't know what will happen tomorrow. And what if nothing happens? What if I NEVER get the call, or what if it's the next day instead? What if, what if , what if. Here I go. I do want the job, though. I didn't know that I wanted it so much, but I think I do. I think. So we'll see. I may hate it if I got it. I'll have to decide that I would if I don't get it.

And work just sucks right now. It just sucks. Alan is out of his frickin' mind. It's nice that I can kind of come and go as I like. I LOVE that part. I would miss that TERRIBLY. But who knows I wouldn't have that at a new company? Not like that, though. I feel sick. Physically ill. Like I could throw up. Just tell me I don't have the job so I can settle down. I think I would actually miss Lucy.

Don't know much more to say. Except I hope I get that job, but doubt I will, even though all signs say "go".

Job Interview & Stuff

So I had a job interview today with a recruiting company I'd like to work for. And they asked me back tomorrow for a second interview with the recruiters I'd be working for, I think. Today I was gone for *THREE HOURS* since the interview was an hour and a half, and I got lost getting back to the office, and I left an hour ahead of time to make sure I got there on time. So tomorrow, I guess I'll tell them I'm meeting a candidate for the FrontPage position?? I haven't told a whole lot of truth to this company about my recruiting experience. For example, the company I worked at for 8 years I did zero recruiting, yet my resume says that's all I did. (ha!) I think it's a pretty prestigious company and an excellent opportunity. Where I work now, I'm just placing stupid admins all the frickin time at the last frickin minute and it's old already. My boss doesn't tell me the truth all the time, but it's not all bad. I can stay there and do a good job. I can be late, I can flake out because of my medicine, that kind of thing, because Lucy is only there half of the time anyway. And that's another issue. I like Lucy a lot, when she's in a good mood. But when she's not, the claws come out.

Mark doesn't think he'll get paid again from his company (the next paycheck) and is freaking out and is thinking of quitting and taking a contract position. That freaks ME out because of my medical condition and my medications. I would hope the new job has good insurance, but who knows when it would start. I know the insurance we have now sucks, at least, everyone says it does. What would I do? How would I get my medications? We can't afford them.

I guess I"ll go to bed soon. Lot more to say, but I don't know if I have the desire to say it.

Night.

A Bit about Everything

We took Cody to the vet today to get a sonogram, and it looks like the antibiotics are doing the trick. The infections around his kidney are smaller, but the doctor does not want to rule out the possibility of cancer or that they would come back, if they left, in say, nine months or something. I asked her what would have happened to him if we (I) had never brought him to the doctor. She said he would be dead right now. I never knew he was THAT SICK. I had no idea he was DEATHLY ill. No wonder they acted the way they did at the vet's hospital. I still feel like we have Cody on borrowed time. He just shouldn't be here with us right now. I only know what in the world made me rush him to the doctor in the first place by reading the entry I wrote about Cody after I took him to the vet. Otherwise, I have no idea what made me think he was so sick. He just was, that's all I knew.

Work is becoming almost a nightmare. I take my medicine, and then cannot wake up in the mornings, and Mark said I look drunk to him. Today, I came home around 10am or so from work. Lucy didn't even bother to show up. Everyone thinks I'm so mad at Lucy, but I'm really just mad because she's getting the sales part of my placements of Hartford. I told Alan that today because he called me about 5 or 6 times today, and talked to Nicole about me today, too. They don't want me to quit, and like hello? Who else would hire me? Alan won't fire Lucy because of the Hartford, and thinks that she'll quit because he keeps deducting her pay everytime she is absent, which is half the time almost, but she won't. Where else can you go where you can come and go as you like and still have a job? I think she HATES it when I don't talk to her and exclude her. I think that's why she didn't show up today. She's very fragile. And if that's all it takes to knock her off kilter and make her not come to work, so be it. I can be that witch very easily. With Anita gone, she'll have no one but me and Nicole, and I sit the closest to her. I suppose I could make a game of it...

...I suppose she could make a game of me...everyone says they are on "my side", but I don't HAVE a side. I just don't want someone to benefit from my placements who hasn't done anything is all.

Just Here

Cody is back from the hospital, and he was pretty sick for a few days, but he's regaining his strength. He will need to have surgery to remove pockets of infection above his kidney, and hopefully that's all he has - that the infections aren't caused from a cancer in his kidney or something like that. He takes antibiotics all the time, and has to until he has surgery. As a matter of fact, the doctor said he could do that for the rest of his life and not get surgery possibly, but that would eventually be more expensive than surgery, and that's not fixing the problem anyway, and Cody doesn't feel good like this. And who knows if this is really the problem? I feel like we really have Cody on borrowed time.

I bought my bridesmaid dress for Kellie's wedding, and they didn't have the actual dress in stock for me to try on. So I tried on other dresses with the same "cut" to find my size. I had to order, get this, a size friggin FOURTEEN! I can't believe I've lost 20 pounds to order a 14, and to actually look like a wear at least a size 14. I mean, these dresses looked horrible on me. Mark even admitted it. I don't know what to do but to suck it up (literally - my stomach - it's so bad) and just get through it. The wedding isn't until September, but it's June, and how much weight can I really lose by then? And even then, the dress still will make me look fat - it's just a horrible dress for me. I plan on spending some moolah on hair and makeup.

Work is almost a nightmare. I only mean a nightmare from a work standpoint. I don't have enough people on billing, and last week was a mess. Maybe last week was so bad because I was interviewing so much and looking for people for this client. I found 6 people for 2 positions, but they're both part time, and one is only contract - for 4 months. My neighbor is one of the applicants! That was weird. She is nice, but I just don't know what she thinks of me - if she judges me, thinks lower of me, or what. It's weird. She's pretty, a few years younger than me, I think she's active in the community - who knows. I just don't want her to see my messy house, and I'm embarrassed about our flower garden and leaning tree.

About work again. My first Hartford placement hates her job. And I have no other Hartford placements. I work SO MUCH on Hartford, and yet - have no placements on there. I worry that I'll be let go. I worry that I'm not much of a recruiter. I went on a sales call and pretty much sat there quietly. The sales guy did a good job, but who knows if we'll keep the account. I'm not good for much, I'm afraid. Maybe I'll have a better week, but I doubt it. I doubt I'll even get another Hartford interview this week. I'd be shocked. Happily shocked and surprised, but I plan on doing a lot of work to see if in the future weeks I'll get more interviews? Last week I couldn't work on the Hartford much.

Mark and I made love yesterday and it was good. I ought to keep track of how often we make love because I don't know how often we do. It's a subject of contention between us - one I can tell that hurts Mark, and makes me feel so damn guilty all the time about, which just adds to my own guilt about sex in general. I don't know, I'm not even going to try and analyze what I don't understand myself.

That's about it except for work. I just don't know what to do about it but work even harder than I already am.

The Hospital

Mark and I went to the vet hospital to see Cody today, and it was pretty sad. The hospital was nice enough, but Cody had a clear "hood" over his head so he wouldn't chew his needle drip out of his arm. He looked ok - not 100% I could tell, but ok. He was happy to see us, but kept his tail down the whole time. We pet him and gave him lots of love, but didn't stay too long because what can you really do when you're there and your dog is hooked up to a bag andyou're just crunched down beside his kennel? I walked out first because I couldn't handle looking at Cody when we both walked out. He hated it when Mark put him back in his kennel, and tried to get him to let him back out by putting his "schnout" where the cage came together. I had give him a couple of kisses and then left. Mark even kissed him on the top of his schnout. When Mark left the room, Cody started crying pretty loudly, and barking like he was crying. It was hard to leave him there, but it was the best thing for him, even if he didn't know it. And then later, I realized, we have a dog that can't eat. What are we going to do? Cody can't eat at all - something has to be done, and soon. The vet said today that he had eaten this morning and thrown up several times and he was off food for at least 24 hours. What are we supposed to do when Cody can't keep his food down? It's all I can think about. I want him to be ok. I just want to know what the problem is, what is going to happen - can it be resolved, and if so, how, and when, and why, and where, and how long, and everything. If he needs surgery, fine, lets not wait and just DO IT. Open him up and find out what's wrong!!! Don't let him suffer any longer than he needs to! I guess I'm the only one that thinks this.

Cody

Cody was sick today. I cleaned up his vomit, which looked like it had corn it it, and went to work. I thought I let him out, and Mark must have let him back in. It seems like he wants to go outside to go to the bathroom less and less, maybe? When I got home (I came home early today because it is Friday before Memorial Day), Cody was very, very sick. He didn't want to come downstairs, so I found a clean dish and put soft dogfood in it with his medicine in case he was feeling sore. When he finally did come down, he was walking down the stairs very strangely - like he was so sick. Then he walked right past his soft dog food, which he normally scarfs right up! I knew he was sick, and I remembered him vomiting. After watching him for a few minutes, I knew he needed to go to the doctor. His eyes were kind of glazed - sort of sleepy looking, he wouldn't stop panting, and I could tell he was very uncomfortable. I called Mark to get him to come home to take Cody to the doctor - I normally never take him because he tries to attack everyone when it's just me and him, but Mark had a meeting and wouldn't leave. So I worked it out with the nurse that I would come in and someone would take Cody into a room and I would stay outside in the waiting room. Cody was really good in the car - he sat up and didn't move and didn't get sick. He was also really good at the vet - didn't growl except a little bit maybe once, let himself be weighed, went into a room without trying to bark or bite, I knew then he was so much sicker than I thought. After a while, the vet, Kim Clary came out and asked about his symptoms, and I told her it's not like Cody to eat something and get really sick like that. He has eaten things, he gets sick, and then it's over. She said she had tried to feel his stomach, and that normal dogs' stomachs feel tense, but Cody's was extra tense and that concerned her. She wanted to see why. So she asked if she could do an x-ray and a blood test, and I said yes. She said the x-ray found a pebble looking thing that could have been causing his upset stomach, but his white cell blood count was showing that he was really fighting something hard in his system - his body thought it was trying to really attack something hard. So she asked if she could do an ultrasound, and decided to keep him overnight and thought he had pancreatitis. She wanted to boost him with fluids and antibiotics and see if he felt better enough to eat some food and keep it down to go home this weekend. So I left Cody there. He wanted to come home with me, but I made him go with the man that was taking him into the back. I'll never forget that - I feel so mean for deserting him like that. I love him SOOO much. Anyways, the doctor finally called after the ultrasound and said Cody had some kind of fluid buildup on his lymph node of his kidney, or some kind of mass. She said at the emergency clinic she was going to make notes that they be much more aggressive with the antibiotics, and see if he would eat something eventually and feel better enough to come home. If so, then we will bring him back on Tuesday for another ultrasound to see if the growth has gone down from the antibiotics. I guess there's the alternative - that he won't eat and won't feel any better and we won't get to bring him home this weekend. I need to clean the house, especially the floor, for Cody in case he gets to come home this weekend. Oh yeah, the doctor said if he doesn't get better, or if he does come home but another ultrasound shows the mass as being the same size, then we'll have to have surgery - drain the lymph node or do a biopsy on it. I can't even believe what I'm typing as I type it. It's so hard to believe, and I don't want to believe it. I can't believe how much I love that dog and how responsible I feel for him.

Can't Sleep...Again.

Hello, Dear Blog.

I can't sleep again. It' 1:17am and I don't know if it's Mark snoring or what the deal is. I wake up and I feel so anxious and almost like I'm depressed. Yes, I guess I do feel anxious and depressed at the same time, so I took some klonipin. Which won't work, and if it does, not for hours, and even then, just barely. Work is always on my mind. I work and work on the Hartford account, yet nothing ever seems to happen with it. I've put up so many people to be interviewed, and lots have qualified, yet only two have been interviewed and none have been hired. And I'm at the end of my fourth week. I don't know if I like the place where I work now or not. Maybe I just don't like being a recruiter. I don't think I want to go back to "that big 5 consulting firm" - working for the Help Desk (not on, thank God, but they WOULD make me help take calls in dire need - I HATED that) which I had no idea what a stigma a "help desk" really has. It's not good at all, but I didn't know back then that even working for the help desk in a support type of role such as being a liaison between groups who work with the help desk could be a stigma just because it was working with the "help desk". I suppose I could always change the name from help desk to something else on a resume.

Oh yes, then there's Mark's brother. He lost his job, and I'd really like to help him find another one. But he has almost 0 marketable experience. He was doing things like programming in Fortran - I've never seen a job request for that before - not that that means much, but still - it's an ancient programming language that isn't really used anymore. How can I tell him that I really can't help him? I suggested a job that was $30/hour today, and he said that was lower than he made, and yet he didn't have strong enough experience for me to submit him for the position, but how in the world would I find him a job that pays over $60k/year with his skills? He does have a degree, but that is commonplace now in the IT world. I wish he could go into his chosen field - engineering, but of course he'd have to start at the bottom and work his way back into his pay, but I'm afraid he'll have to do that anyway. I think he worked at the company where he was at for so long that he kept getting raise after raise until he was way overpaid for what he did.

And then there's Constantine. I know, what about Constantine? Well, I heard that Constantine got an offer from Ralph Lauren to be a model for them. And I saw a photo of him and a girl going to or from the Star Wars movie. She wasn't that cute, and I have no idea who she was. She was very tiny, though. And he looked extremely tired. Actually, the recent Constantine pictures I've seen he looks very tired or something. I'm sure his schedule is really getting to him - with the appearances, and his band, and the fans, etc. I can't believe how crazy women are going over him. They are totally OBSESSED with him - still. Over two weeks after he was voted off American Idol. I guess that's not very long, is it. I'm slowly losing my Constantine obsession. Like - I never bought his band's CD because I went to their site and watched an *mpeg of Constantine singing in the band and didn't like the style of music, so why would I buy the CD? Just to hear Constantine sing music that I can't stand - heavy rock metal type? I didn't want to buy a CD of "Pray for the Soul of Betty" and barely listen to it to have it just lay around until the end of time. For someone who just couldn't wait until Tuesday nights to see Constantine on American Idol - I thought about it all week every week - and now he's gone and I'm starting to get over it and wanting to talk about him to ANYONE who wants to listen or knows who he is, makes me think I'm making some progress. I try to concentrate on things I find that I don't like about him. Don't get me wrong - I still go out to the "Connie's" board and read about him, but I just do it less now. Like today - I just went out for about 2 minutes, read the headlines of the last page of messages, checked out one or two messages that said they had links to pictures, checked them out, and saw things that I didn't like about Constantine. Like him being tired. Like I didn't like the way his stubbly beard looked. Like maybe now I can tell by his teeth or something that he smokes. Or like maybe he looks kind of chubby from that suit and white shirt he wore to the Star Wars movie. (Star Trek? Who knows - I'm not into that). I'm not sure if I'm LOOKING for it, or if I just expect Constantine to be perfect, and I look at him, and my eye sees things that it doesn't think is perfect right away and I'm disappointed. I suppose I had him on a pedastal so high that there was no way to go but down. I was totally obsessed, to the point where I thought I needed counseling. But I think all I needed was time. But again, don't get me wrong. I still think about him a LOT. I think it's like any addiction - it gets less and less every day that passes. I guess?

I wish I could sleep, and I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. Mark's birthday is Sunday, and he's depressed because he's turning 29. Well, I'll turn 37 in August, so that worries me. I did the same thing with Jeff. Once I started getting older, I realized I wanted to be younger and to do things younger people did. Now that I think about it, he's actually kind of worrying me. He didn't work today, yet he didn't take a day off, meaning he didn't tell anyone he wasn't working. And he's planning on not working tomorrow, and not telling anyone he's not working either. Sure, he's a Partner in the company, but he's still accountable for building and growing the company. He did say that it was because he was depressed over it being his birthday this weekend. I wonder why he is depressed versus me being depressed over a birthday? I hate getting older. I hate seeing wrinkles around my eyes. I hate my body. I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate how messy and dirty the house is. Maybe I just hate life in general. I mean, what is there that I really like about it? What do I really have to look forward to? Going to work? The weekend so I can sit on my butt and think about going to work on Monday? I hate my life.

Nothing much more to say. I can't sleep, and I don't know what to do now, I'm all typed out. Goodbye for now.

Except for two people at work - a girl and a guy - L. and D. L. is really strange, and she acts like she's threatened by my existence in the office. D. is kind of mean to me I think - and he treats L. like a queen, even though she's always out sick or leaving early, whatever. And I think he gives the better jobs to L. and Nicole. I really like Nicole, so no complaints there. I guess I just don't like L. I'm tired of being nice to her. And how close she and D. are, without regard to what Nicole and myself might think or feel about being a team in the office - about any type of exclusion. They are actually out of town in CT meeting with Hartford HR reps, and sharing a room. Two bedrooms in one room. I think that's really weird and not right for two married persons. I'm shocked that L's husband and D's wife are okay with it. If they even know about it. Do you think they're having an affair? I think they might be. It's totally possible. I don't know why my boss keeps L. around.

Oh well, who cares, right?

Can't Sleep!

It's 1:01am and I can't sleep! I hate this. I just lay in bed with my eyes squinched shut, yet my mind is going a million miles a minute. I'm thinking about a few things. First is work. I had a girl who, I think, failed a drug test today - she pee'd in a cup and I had to watch the lines on the outside of the cup go up or not to show if she'd tested positive for any drugs, and I'm not sure if she had by the results. Then her background check showed that 2 years ago she was busted with a DWI and possession of marijuana. I like this girl, but now I'm getting cold feet about placing her. She was shaking SO BAD when she held the cup of pee out for Anita and I to analyze - now I know why. Either it was because of her previous issues and the fact that she's on probation for a drug charge, or that she really had done drugs. Who knows. I'm surprised at how messed up people are and I didn't even know it. Then another girl supposedly didn't show up until 10:30 this morning and the girl that Dave works with told Dave she was supposed to be there by 9:00am. The girl said that she and her manager had worked it out so she could be there at 10:00, which she was there by 10:00, and that he had asked if she was coming back tomorrow and already had plans of things for her to do. I didn't like calling her to tell her that she was cut, but then she decided she was going up there anyway, and I had to talk her out of that. It was horrible. I am just worrying and worrying tonight. What if what if what if. And then there's Mark and his birthday. It's coming up on Sunday. I bought him a DVD recording camcorder which I think he'll like, but then he blew his car speakers today, and that $1000 could have gone towards that. How could I have known? I shouldn't have spent so much money. And the house is a MESS. There's trash everywhere - so much so that Cody the dog gets debris on him when he walks in the house. And of course, there's still this Constantine obsession. When I'm laying in bed, I think of the songs he sang and his performances - they were awesome, and how much I miss seeing him every week on American Idol. I wish I could just stop thinking about him, but I can't. It's a good thing Mark is here, because if I just lived alone, I can't imagine how obsessed of a fan I would be. But I can't get Constantine out of my brain. He's like this record going over and over in my mind, but I don't really want it to stop - I just want new records to go over and over in my mind. I can't think of anything about Constantine that I don't totally and absolutely just adore, even though I know it's probably for show, not for real. But his hair is for real. The way he says certain words when he sings is for real. The way he performs is real. It's like I'm a teenager with this huge crush on the Beatles - at least how they describe it being like. I found a site with all of his American Idol performances on it (audio) and burned a CD with them so I could have a Constantine only CD to listen to in the car. But it just makes me miss him more and think about him more, so I end up not listening to it. I read somewhere that there are actually self-help groups on the internet where people are trying to get over their Constantine addiction. I believe it. It's something I can't explain. I was intrigued by him when I saw him for the first time on American Idol, and then was curious when I saw him quit his band to go on AI. But it was when he performed "I think I love you" with the colorful scarf is when he captured my attention and something else in me, I don't know what. My heart? As a fan? Geez, it's bad when every hand move, every mouth movement is just so important and sexy and cute and it's just stupid and absurd and I hate it about myself. I want it to go away so badly. Do you really think I like feeling like this? I don't. At first, I did - it was exciting being this fan again with something to look forward to - Constantine on American Idol. But now he's not there anymore and I just have distant memories and old performances and it's pitiful. With my job, the house, Constantine, my constant worrying about Mark and what he's thinking and how he's doing, I don't know how I ever sleep. Worry worry worry. Oh well. Thanks for listening.

Weighed Today

...and I weighed 155.5. Getting down there a pound by a pound. I'm being patient this time and not beating myself up so much this time. By the end of June, my goal is to be at 153.0. That shouldn't be so hard, should it? That would mean by Jan 1, if I keep losing 3 pounds per month, I should weigh 132. And from there, I'll just lose weight for a bikini in the summer. Not so bad, right? We'll see. I hope I can keep this momentum going.
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