I wrote my Dad an email and started writing about Papa and started crying. It's still not in the past. I'll be glad when I get my trust fund! I'm excited about it, although I don't tell anyone. I don't know how I'll feel about the money when I get it. I'm afraid I'll spend it all, when what I should do is invest it all. It's not my money, really. He chose my mother over me, I need to remember that, and that I was only a teenager. I was 19 at the time. And then I moved to a large city, and really, what would I have done or said? I worried about him being lonely. I don't know. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Yesterday I was worried that I was getting hypomanic. I felt so up and so anxious at the same time. I actually felt like drinking a glass of wine or something to chill me out a little bit. So I took a Geoden and 2 Klonipin. I think eventually it made me feel better, although in my mind I think I thought it wouldn't have made me feel better like a glass of wine would have. Isn't that weird for me to crave alcohol? Maybe it's my thinking of Dr. Rumsey being an alcoholic, or reading that bipolars are often self-medicating. Or maybe reading that bipolars often use that to chill out or bring themselves down made me think that it would work so I wanted to do that instead since it seemed like it would work better. Being up is definitely better than being down, but I end up doing things I regret later. Like sending weird emails and things I can't take back later. My actions are weird. But it's like I think about them and think about them until I do them. I reason it out in my mind and think that I think it through and it makes sense at the time, although it does seem a bit strange at the time. I hope that's not what is happening to me. I am sending out a lot of packets at work. Maybe too many. I'll probably never get any of them back. I've sent out over 20 this month, and maybe I shouldn't have. I'll be chasing down those packets forever, I just know it. But if I have a larger pool to draw from, isn't that better? What if I never place anyone again? What if I don't place the opthamologist? And I have no more placements? No packet ins? What if? And I'm just a total loser? I don't know what I should be doing. No one has really taught me how to find out how to place people. I'm just going on what I think I should be doing. Maybe it's like my trainer said - just ask everyone for each job, and see what they say. You never know.
Other than that, I'm watching the Cowboy vs. the Bronco game. My dad is watching, I know - he wants the Broncos to win, so of course I'm watching to make sure they don't and the Cowboys win.
I'm really anxious about my job. It's not so much that I want to be an overachiever. Don't get me wrong - that would be really nice. I just don't want to be an UNDERachiever. An achiever would be great. Being on the right track would be great. Meeting my goals would be heaven. But I can't even do that. Oh well.
Thanks, I don't know what else to say, except I hope I'm not hypo. I am listening to music more, though...