Sunday, February 27, 2005

I'm So Anxious All of the Time

I'm so anxious all of the time. I'm constantly worried or upset or fearful of something. Right now it's about finding a job, of course, and all the emails I sent out on Friday to past recruiters that I had their email addresses that I thought could help me. There was one response I've received - two, actually, but one that bothers me. It said that I had an appointment with them, and stated the date and time, and that I didn't show up, so they wished me a good future, or something like that. I deleted it right away, so I can't tell you word for word. But why did that person take the time to send that email? Why did they respond at all? What pleasure or contentment did they get by replying that I had missed an appointment on a PARTICULAR day at a PARTICULAR time with them, and that they had not forgotten I had, nor would they? I don't understand why that part was even in the message at all. As proof, like I would argue with them and make them see me? Oh my gosh. It's just making me see orangish right now. I mean, if it were me, I might say that we had an appointment that was missed - did I remember why? And if there were a position open, there was a reason (such as a new position had been taken), I might see that person. I've rescheduled interviews over and over before. I think someone has just been a "no show" and called and I still saw them. But what's the purpose of that memo? It's not to be nice, it's to get at me for some reason in some manner, but psychologically, I can't figure it out. I guess they "one up-ped" me and now have the upper hand where before, I did?

Ugh! I guess enough of that, although it's still on my mind. Tomorrow I weigh myself and see if I lost any weight this week. I ate SO WELL except for this weekend, when I didn't do as well. We'll see if I lost any weight. This is really my own journal and no one reads it so...if it's below (and God help me not above) 167, I"ll be really happy. I weighed around 125 when I met Mark (I'm 5 foot 7 inches), and we got into some pretty bad eating habits. Donuts on the weekends for breakfast, etc. So I got up to around 135. Then my psychiatric medicine started changing, and that got me up to around 145 - 150. Seroquel hit me and I got up to 160. Then sitting around the house forever, I got up to 175.5. Once I became an adult, 135 was pretty standard for me. Then Jeff (my ex-husband) and I started, well...I started not having much interest in him and started making new friends when I was laid off from the aircraft company here and going to school. He was about 9 years older than me, and I was only about 17 when we met. So I moved to the big city, and everything was so different and new and exciting. I wanted to be part of it. And...he had a temper. Especially if I ever talked about leaving. Or even did anything that might lead me along that path - like go to a club that he was going to be at with my friends. He'd be at a concert there, and my friends would want to go there just to hang out and have a beer or drink, and he would shove me and wrip my shirt and things like that. I remember one particular time, I went ahead and went. Our marriage was downhill from there. I think our marriage was downhill from "I do". I was so sad the day we got married - I didn't want to be married. I felt guilty though. I knew God wouldn't want me to live in sin (just like I'm doing now with Mark *sigh*), and I wanted to be back in line with God, so to speak. I remember walking around New Orleans with Jeff going to find him cigarrettes and being so annoyed with him that he was a smoker. It just grossed me out. I think everything about him grossed me out. And now I wonder, because I"m so much older than Mark, if everything will happen to me the way it happened to Jeff - how I left him, etc. Mark just turned 21 when we started dating, but he also just started a divorce, too. I worry about that a lot. I told you - I'm always *anxious* about SOMETHING.

So tomorrow I guess I'll get up and start looking for a job again. I already have one email response that says that they may have an opening, and that they'd like to know why the contract was so short on my last job. Well that's better said over the phone or in person than in an email, don't you think?

Does anyone, besides me, ever wonder what someone is *supposed* to look like when they are exactly your age? Like, I'm 36, but supposedly I'm a young 36. I don't believe that to be true. I wish I could see a picture of what someone is supposed to look like when they're 36. But then again, when I see it, I'll freak out. I'll think - that's ME?? That's how old I really am? It doesn't matter if I look that old or not...well, yeah, I guess it does. They say age is a frame of mind, and I'm starting to see why. 36 sounds so old, yet...I don't feel that old. I feel like I'm still in my late 20's or early 30's. I guess I am almost in my early 30's, huh. hah. I see pictures of women in the news (granted, it's usually women in crime) who are 35 - 38, and I can't believe how old and hard they look. I try to see it in myself in the mirror, yet...why would I let myself see that about myself? If we all actually saw ourselves - inner and outer - realistically, would we be able to survive it? I mean, without any hope of what we want to accomplish within ourselves, such as losing weight, changing hair, getting teeth done, or even going to church more often, helping the poor, stop lying, get right with God, be nicer to children and family, be neater, etc. - that's what I mean by hope when we think of ourselves. Because I think of all of that when I think of myself. I think of all the things I want for myself - who I want to be, what I want to look like, and that's all part of my self image, not just who I am right this second. Does that make sense? Doesn't everyone do that? Realistically, if someone says they see themselves as they are, always, and never with hope of who they want to be or how they want to look because they don't care or they are just able to do that, are they for real? What about the things that other people place on you? The hopes of your parents, teachers, neighbors, kids, siblings, friends, what you want your high school reunion to think of you? I don't know - I just can't see myself realistically. Especially with this bad haircut.

Ramble. Ramble. Ramble. That's what I'm doing tonight, isn't it? I'm just anxious, and this is what I do when I'm anxious. I'm afraid to stop rambling and be still, because then I don't know what will happen - I'll probably be overcome with fear. I have medicine for anxiety that I already took - actually, it's for panic, which is better for me anyway.

I guess my show "Desperate Housewives" isn't on tonight because of the Academy Awards. Darnit. That really bites.

Thanks for listening, dear sweet blog. I'll record my weight bright and early.

Nighty night - for you, not for me.
Saturday, February 26, 2005

Interview and other Stuff

Hello, Dear Web Log of mine...

I had an interview today with "another IT Recruiting company. I don't know if I'll get the job or not, but from past experiences, I'd say no. It went well enough, and then I think I blew it at the end. I got almost combative when he was talking about his management style, and then I said how I didn't need a hands on manager because at my other place, I was expected to grow a business from the ground up on my own. I think I said it the wrong way, because then the interview was over. I never think it's good when you interview with 2 people, and it's over with in an hour. I mean, come on, I'm a recruiter, I know these things. My good interviews were usually 45 minutes. He did mention to think about what we'd discussed and see what I thought, then call on Monday. I already sent a thank you memo, and said I'd call on Monday. I also sent out a bunch of emails from past companies asking if they had any openings - you never know, right? One already replied back, said they might have an opening, but why did my contract get cut so short? I hope my honest answer will be received well.

Mark freaked me out today. He's searching for happiness and can't find it. Today Rick, and older Christian man that he respects, talked to him about being an IT director at his church, but the pay wouldn't be very good. Mark thinks maybe that's what God wants him to do. I don't think God wants him to take a job that pays around $100k/year, which is really robbing him of what he's worth already, to take say, a $70 or $80k/yr job. What does he know about this church? What does he know about being Baptist? He's just all gung ho about it. And boy did he get mad at me when I said these things. He said all I cared about was money. Well, I don't have a job again, and that scares me, and yes, I'm worried about money. But I don't think that just by being an IT Director for a church will bring the happiness into his life that he wants. I don't know if that's what he's thinking, but I'm pretty sure.

I just can't sleep tonight. Too many worries about jobs, money, you name it. Mark just started taking Wellbutrin, and BOY does he have an attitude. He just lights into me like he doesn't normally do - like with the Baptist church idea. He goes way overboard, and I told him he'd better be careful in a board meeting on that medication because he could get out of hand. It could be so horrible and he'd be mortified later, I just know it. But he doesn't see how he's acting. I thought Wellbutrin was supposed to be this happy drug, but he's definitely not happy - he's worse.

I don't know if I'll ever find a job, dear Blog. I think doing a lot of cold calling at the law firm recruiting company helped me a lot, but what do I really have to offer? Maybe I'm just middle aged now and am being discriminated against because of my age? I've really wondered that. 36 is starting to get close to 40. But it is still close to 30, too. I have a real issue with my age, so I don't want to discuss it anymore tonight.

I got my hair cut and highlighted a few days/week ago, and I hate it. The color is okay, but the cut is dreadful. I can't get any body out of it. I think after it grows for about a month or two it will look great, but right now it's horrid. But by then, I'll need a partial highlight. Maybe I'll just skip the cut? I've never done that before because of dead ends.

And hopefully by the time I *do* find a job (Lord please make it sooner rather than later this time...) I'll be able to fit into my previous job's work clothes. I gained weight sitting on my butt for over a year. We'll see. I've got about 7 more pounds to lose to be pre-layoff weight from the big-4 consulting firm, so I guess that's what I'm shooting for. If I try hard enough, I can button my pants/skirt, and zip them up, but they're not comfortable at all. And sometimes I have to lay on the bed to even do that. My diet has been going pretty well so far. I weigh myself "for real" again on Monday morning.

Other than that, we'll see what "nibbles" I get from my emails I sent tonight on Monday. I sent Mark about 20 or so recruiter's names - actual names, not where you go to their website and have to fill out a form, but actual names that he could forward his resume to, and I'm hoping he'll get a few responses. Surely he will, right? The Baptist church thing just freaks me out. If the pay was the same, I'd be ecstatic, except...how often would he get a raise? Never? And wouldn't it be rude to ask for one? I told him - I guess I'll work for God too and be a church secretary. Who cares how much that makes? It made him pretty mad, but again, he's on that medication so....who knows.

Well, I hope I got everything out that's keeping me up so I can go to sleep now. I do appreciate you listening to me, my dear, sweet Blog. Nighty night. And if not Night, night, I'll be right back! :-)
Wednesday, February 23, 2005

What a Boring Day

So, now I don't have a job. Life is boring again. It looks like I'll have unemployment paychecks coming in, work is going to pay for two weeks after my last day, so it's not like there will be no more money coming in again for me. Today I had an interview at HPL Solutions (or HPC? something like that?) but chickened out and tried to reschedule at about an hour or so when I was supposed to be there. The guy was really nice that I was supposed to meet - and said to call the other guy's voicemail because he would be there tomorrow and leave two times for him to pick from. So I picked 1 and 3. But I haven't heard back. Then I got an email from Spherion, and have a phone interview with them tomorrow at 11:00am. THEN I had a call from "Magic", the recruiting company (magicorp.com), and have an interview with them on Friday. I'm actually excited about both. But since my new haircut, I have no idea what to do with my hair. It's AWFUL. So I don't know what I did with my entire day. Just sat on my butt. Dieting. (hah - sat on my butt dieting). Mark came home early and worked on coding something - very intensely. And then something odd. In my email, I saw that Chris Johnston had "searched" for me on reunion.com. Chris Johnston? That's a blast from the past. It made me think of that crazy time ten or so years ago. I was surprised to see he was 31 years old now. 3 years older than Mark, and I thought Chris was such a baby! I wonder why he was looking me up. Probably like me - just bored and trying to find people I know on a board like that sometimes. Still very strange. I'm surprised he even remembers my last name, but I suppose he should remember my last name. And everything else about me. What a fun summer that was. And sad, too. And hard. And rough. And exciting. And wrong, wrong, wrong. My whole life was headed down the wrong track, yet...it had to go that way to get to where it is today. With Mark, and happily with Mark. I've been visiting the Bipolar Board every day lately (on my.about.com) and give my input when I can, and rant when I need to. The things these bipolars say and do! It's never dull! But because they're bipolar, there are always some people who are up who try to help those who are down. And right now, I'd say I'm more up than down. But I wasn't the day before when I was fired/laid off. Oh yeah. I talked to Jennifer from Attorney Resource today, but I already said that, didn't I. She also said that I would be a great recruiter - very tenacious, I was a hard worker, and I could use her for a reference. I don't know if I'll use her, but what else can I do? I'm watching American Idol with Mark sitting beside me, so I guess he's okay with me "blogging" now, which is good. I need to get things out of this head of mine!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Good Thing about a Stupid Name...

...like KansasSunflower is a pretty sure bet that no one will be reading by "blog", and I can do and say anything I want. Like today, did I already say I have an interview set up for tomorrow? I'm feel so incompetent, but I guess now, recruiting really is my field. Two days after getting "laid off", and I have an interview. I suppose that's amazing, but still - 7 months of interviews does not mean you'll get a job right away. There must be something about my appearance that keeps people away, but what? We'll see tomorrow. It's not my voice, because sucks people in, it's got to be my appearance, and maybe lack of confidence? I'll fix that, that's for sure. I mean, I'll try to. Mark has a possibility of getting a job as a new Director of Technology at another company. That's exciting. What if it paid like 20k or 30k more? He meets with Rick on Thursday for coffee at 10am. Then basically, I wouldn't have to work, but then what would I do with myself all day? Clean? I need to clean anyway, but what a lonely, sad life that would be again. I was really depressed, now I'm not. But I am kind of, because I got laid off, kind of fired? I want to see how I'll look back at this one day. I did buy a new outfit for my interview tomorrow. Let's see how that goes. And Mark's interviews are tomorrow, so we'll see how those go.
Monday, February 21, 2005

Here's the Letter I Sent...

Here's the letter I sent to the lady that fired me today. She said she would give me a few weeks of pay, so I was brutally honest, really too nice, but here's what I said:

Jennifer,

After today's discussion, I find it unfortunate that I was unable to add any value to Attorney Resource. I did do many days of cold calling which turned out to be fruitless, and scheduled and conducted many interviews. I do believe that one of two were about to be hired this week. But one had another offer from another company and time was of the essence that she interview with my company today, and I never was able to give word as to what time between 1-3 that would be as I left before that time. And of course, there were Mark's two interviews tomorrow. But alas, none of that ever came to fruition.

I wish I had more time to fully understand the CRM management tool and legal system in general, but it looks as though it is not for me. I understand IT, but a trainer in IT and a trainer in a legal department can be very different. I could be a formal trainer in an IT department, as a matter of fact. Without having that legal background, it was more difficult for me to understand, especially without training of the CRM mamagement tool, but I know how busy yourself, Tracy, and Jan all are. You have your own candidates and clients to deal with, without "holding someone's hand", as you once said to me.

But, I did want you to know that I tried very hard, and made sure I was there very early every morning, and stayed late every evening, working and doing as much as I could. It seems as though failed, but I didn't go out without a fight. I'm very disappointed in myself, and can hardly keep myself from crying as I type this. I wanted to be successful there so badly, yet it seems I failed miserably.

I do need to know how many weeks I will be paid so I can make sure I make every penny count. 35k/year may not seem like a lot, but it is when you recently bought a house and lost an 8-year old job.

Thanks again for taking a chance,


What do you think? Too icky? I think it is. I'd rather never speak or see her again in my entire life because it just reminds me of a horrible experience.

I did think of something else, though. I think I can collect unemployment at this point. I had a job, and I don't anymore. So now I should be able to collect unemployment, right? And that should be at the most $900. Just $100 less than what I was making before. So 6+ months to find a job. I have this funny feeling that it won't work, though. Like I didn't work long enough or something. I guess I would feel like that today, of all days. I did just get fired.

Thanks for listening, dear dear my dear blog.

Oh, where to start?

Hello, My Dear Blog!

Oh my, where to start? Today's the 21st so I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I mentioned my new job as an IT Recruiter? Well it was with a legal firm, and I was supposed to "drum up" legal IT business by myself...without training. I'd never done that before. So today I was fired. Really without much warning. One month, and that was it. I was told I would be paid for a few weeks to find a job, but that the boss lady had made a terrible mistake, and she started blaming me. I started blaming her back. She started saying how she had been too busy to train me. I didn't know the legal field, how am I supposed to know which organizations are legal law clients and which are legal firms? See how confusing? Jan, who has been there for months longer than I am, started with 30 job orders. I started with none. Just one prospect: Mark's company, which probably would have hired someone from me. Oh well, just as well. I'm really depressed about it though. If it weren't for the money, I wouldn't even care. But even a stupid $35k/year makes a big difference around this house. I think I must still be in shock.

I start to cry, and then I make myself stop.

Maybe by the next time I find a job, I will have lost enough weight to button my old work clothes - it's only about 7 or 8 more pounds. I guess I've lost about 8 pounds already. I can't say when, because I'm not sure if it's since I started the job or what.

The weirdest thing DID happen to me at work besides getting the flu and calling in sick 2 days in a row the second week I was there. I don't know what happened to me. It was like I took 10 times too much klonipin. I could hardly focus. They probably thought I was on drugs. They told me to go home. So I did. Then I woke up at 2:30, and went to an interview. I ended up being not what they wanted, but they did say I was what they wanted for Matrix. I don't know if I believe them or not. They could be full of bullshit - just trying to be nice and get me out of the door - I might do something like that too, you know? Maybe I just wasn't what they were looking for, and that's ok. No it's not - when will I be what someone is looking for? I mean - me, no bullshit. Just me? The way I am now, today, no lies, no put-on's? I don't know how to break into this recruiting field, but people do it all the time, right? So why can't I?

I guess God didn't want me there after all - at Attorney Resource. And I just left - all my interviews and email and everything. Just left it all. All I really cared about was Hunter, the guy Mark's interviewing on Monday (tomorrow? what's today? Tuesday?) I hear him coming inside now from smoking a cigar. He always wonders what I'm typing. I'm just waiting for him to ask me what I'm typing...just waiting...just waiting...just waiting...hmmm...maybe not. Just talking about himself being productive on his own while working from home. But all is not said and done yet.

I don't know what to think. Am I a bad person because I got fired? After a month, after no training? Does the training part even matter? Ok - there he goes, he asked if I was looking for a job, I said no, just journaling, and he said oh, bloggin', huh. Told ya so. He can't take it!

I feel so...incompetent. Like I have this dark, black, cruddy, ugly, wormy secret now, that I can't tell anyone. Like I'm so dirty or something. I thought God wanted me there, but I guess not. Maybe he wanted to teach me a lesson? But a lesson in what? Not to take the first job you're offered? Be patient? I almost didn't say yes, because I had so many interviews lined up that week. I shouldn't have been so hasty and said yes right away. But I did. I was wrong.

I was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong, and now it's going to eat me alive and I won't be able to think of anything else. Not ever ever ever ever. And I'll never be good at a recruiting job, because I wasn't good at this one. Ever ever ever. That's how I feel.

Oh well. Thanks for listening, dear blog.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Okay my dear Blog, I'm back!

I think I found a solution to my aggressive police dog. For $700, a good trainer will take him into a kennel, and only love and treats, get him away from us and our behavior with him, and train him while we read and study a video on how to continue the new behavior. Also, I read about drug therapy for dogs. Kind of like anti-depressants. See, what happened was I watched, on Court TV (I could watch that day and night - I know, very dorky) the episode where the two huge dogs killed that woman, and I thought of Cody and should we put him down before he really injures someone. I told Mark that, and he said "Great, put MY dog down!" and it upset him. We don't have the $700 right now (our house payment is $2500/month), but this is the plan I want to work on, I think. We tried another kennel, but like I said before, I think they were mean to him. And we didn't learn how to change our behavior while he was gone. We got our homework very quickly when we got Cody back.

I'm trying SO HARD to eat well and lose weight. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat. When I do eat, I make better choices, so we'll see. The bipolar medications I've taken over the years have blown me up to a less than desirable weight (not overly obese - don't think that, but more than I care to weigh), and now I have a problem. Since I was sitting on my butt for over a year going to school online, then looking for a job, I gained 15 pounds. Now my previous work clothes don't fit, and I don't have a lot of work clothes to wear now. I HAVE to lose the weight because I can't just go out and buy more clothes right now. We were so poor last summer that our house went into foreclosure, but I worked out a deal with our mortgage company, thank God. That's when I quit school and started looking for a job. I think it's been better for me. Getting up and making myself productive to society once again feels wonderful. I just hope I can get better at my job and don't lose it! If so, I'll just find another one.

That's it for now, my second entry of the day. I just told Mark about my blog since he's sitting here, but I don't want him to read it. And he'll try to, I just know it. How can I bare my soul that way? Oh well, I least I don't have to worry about sneaking around to write in it now. (sigh)

Thanks for listening, my dear, sweet Web Log.

Might As Well Start With The Issues...

My Dear Sweet Blog -

I just got up this Sunday morning, and nothing has really happened yet except I couldn't sleep, but I felt like writing. I can really only write when my fiance is out of the room or doing something else because he'll wonder what I'm doing. He's way into technology, and I'm sure he would be curious. I want to be able to bare my soul without worrying what others will think.

So, what to write? I may as well start with my issues. Okay, my deep dark secret is that I'm bipolar. But that isn't who I am - I mean, that isn't what I am, if that makes sense. I don't consider myself this person who can't function and is crazy and labeled because of a word. It just means that I take medication every day, make sure my moods are in check, and go to my psychiatrist every 3-6 months. That's it. Of course, there was a journey through a deep dark hole to get to this point. It wasn't always like this. There were times when yes, I was a raging bipolar with symptoms more mild compared to others, but symptoms nonetheless. I've been hospitalized in a psych ward once, but it was because I was deeply depressed for months. I can't explain this deep depression - just thinking about it makes me want to cry because it takes me back to that place. I've been depressed before, and been on anti-depressants, but this was *different*. I couldn't shake it. There was this big dark cloud that hovered above my head everywhere I went that kept me from feeling anything but unworthiness, hatred towards myself, loss of joy, hard to describe. I would come home from work after pretending all day to just be myself, yet not remembering what I did when I "just myself", lay in bed with my work clothes on, and cry for hours. My fiance would sit there with me for hours, on the side of the bed, trying to talk me out of my misery. It would usually at least get me out of bed to change my clothes, but not even the diamond earrings he gave me for my birthday brought any joy at all. As a matter of fact, it was 3 days after that that I went to the hospital. I wanted to die, I PRAYED to die everyday, and had several plans, for several months. Words can't explain it. Ok, depression. Then there's the "up", where all of a sudden you feel just so good, and you wonder why you haven't been feeling like this before. For me, it's a "spring fever" kind of thing, or at least I always thought it was, but now I know that I don't think it is, or was. In the hospital, I met a guy who was "manic" and bought a TRACTOR (living in the city), then went to Cancun without his wife, and then crashed into a depression. I mean really...a big tractor? The stories there were amazing. But most of my "manic" issues are dysphoric - meaning I get really agitated and I can't shake it. I'll get mad, and I just can't bring myself out of it. It just doesn't go away or ease itself. That's the yucky part. And super anxiety like I can't even explain. And that's it. And my fiance has seen me through all of it - my worst ever, and he still loves me and he's still with me even though it must have put him through hell. But I know that I would have done the same for him, but how horrible it would have been. It sure explains why people called me "motor-mouth" for so long. I would totally do it for him though, and have been there for him when times were tough and some people might have left. I say *some* - people who are incapable of seeing a longtime future with someone.

So there's that issue. Hmmm...another issue. My life isn't horrible, please don't think that. It's not at all, although I'm sure in future posts I'll say it is. But it isn't. Everybody gets moody and thinks bad things only happen to them and life is crap, right? So do I. So, let's see. My dog. I love him SO MUCH. He was abused as a puppy, and we rescued him. He has a little bear face that is so cute, and he loves us so much. But this is where it ends. He's seriously bitten people. He bit the Chinese delivery man really bad once (which is ironic because he's half Chow, and shouldn't the Asians stick together???), but I offered to pay all medical bills, so thank God he didn't press charges. The neighbors are pretty scared of him because he really freaks out like an attack police dog when other people are around or the doorbell is rung. I'm not exaggerating. At least it saves me from having to answer the door if strangers ring the doorbell (haha). It's a bad problem, and I'm so worried that he's going to attack someone and badly injure a person or child. It mostly happens with me, not my fiance. I don't know if he listens and obeys my fiance more than me, or if he's more protective with me, but it's a HUGE difference in his temperament. And dog trainers don't want to deal with aggressive dogs. We've taken him in before, and he stayed at one place for 2 weeks, but I'm convinced they abused him, and he wouldn't go back. He simply refused to go into the door, which is very un-Cody like. And we got a letter in the mail from the dog trainer place not to believe the news stories about their dog training abilities. I didn't know there were any stories, and it scared me when I read that. Then it convinced me even more. So that's Cody - the bear faced cub of a dog who is an attack police dog.

Then there's my fiance. We've been together for 8 years now, and engaged for about six. We're not married yet. He wants a church wedding which we can't afford right now, especially since we just bought a house together and payments are HUGE, and I want to be a thin bride, not a big fat tub of lard ass bride. Ok, so I'm exaggerating the last a teeny bit, but only a teeny. I wonder if it's simply because we're content the way things are. We've both been married before - him for one year, me for two years, and of course they ended, but still...they ended. My engagement wedding is beautiful - one carat oval solataire diamond, just plain, but recently I accidently put it down the garbage disposable. Can you believe the diamond was still there when he took off the garbage disposal? I wonder if it's because the diamond is a decent size or if it was a miracle from God. So I need a new setting, but of course, that's more money to shell out, and I've only been at my job for three weeks. I don't know why we're not married. I'd go to the Justice of of the Peace, but he's dead set on getting married in front of God in a church (which he wasn't the first time), but that would include family, friends, a reception, you get the idea. People say keep it small, but how do you do that and not hurt people's feelings? A reception, in my opinion, is for the guests, not for the married couple, so I feel like it's a waste of time and money, but oh well. People can't get married and then have a pot luck reception, can they (sigh).

I guess those are my issues that I can of right now. I'm alone and awake on Sunday morning, not sure what to do with myself besides clean, but who wants to do that? I think my fiance is up now...

Thank you listening, my dear, sweet blog....
Saturday, February 12, 2005

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Okay, so I don't really live in Kansas, I live in a southern state. But I lived in Kansas until I was 19, and I still consider that home. Not that I go around telling people. Not that this state is any better.

I'll dive right in. I worked for a large consulting firm until I was fired for not calling into work. I used to have horrible migraine headaches until I was fired, and it was a miracle - they went away! So now I know why I had them. I was unemployed for over a year, but I went to school for half of that time, studying to be an Interior Designer. I live with my fiance, and he was working and paying the bills, which I deeply appreciated then and now. Our house payment is HUGE (said in the Donald Trump way...YOUGE).

Now I have a new job. I had been interviewing and hiring people a lot at the consulting firm, so I thought, why not be a recruiter? I had no idea how different it really was. I went on interviews for seven months, first of all. Finding jobs and interviewing is a full time job, I found. But I must have done something right, because I would have 3 or so interviews a week. Not that I got any of the jobs - I was considered "very junior". Heck, I'd NEVER recruited, and pretended I had. They slowly "trained" me little by little on each interview I went on. On a fluke, I sent a bunch of emails out to recruiting companies in the phone book, and got very favorable responses. One response was from a firm that was really laid back, and said to come in and interview. Well, I had an interview with one company with a "Jennifer" on a particular day and time. I checked my email, searched for "Jennifer", called her for directions for my interview in less than two hours, and said I'd see her in less than two hours, and she said okay. I went to the WRONG Jennifer's interview. I just happened to notice on one of my emails a different .com's name, and asked the front desk for that name when I couldn't find the original name, and assumed it was a start-up company. So I interviewed - still thinking it was another company - it went well - and then she said I should meet the other recruiters. Good, right? So we set a day/time, and then I tried to go back on my lithium (oh yeah, I'm bipolar), and it made me sick, so I postponed. Then when I went, I said my dog needed medicine. What a dumb lie. But she hired me a few weeks later, after making the "numbers work".

But now I'm in a job that requires me to recruit AND to sell. I didn't realize what I was getting into. Finding new business is really tough. I don't know if I can do it. It's been 3 weeks now - minus the two days I had the flu - and I haven't made a job placement. During my interviews, people said it would take around 2-3 months to make my first one, but does this company believe that, too? I don't have anyone calling me back. Well sort of, but not really. It's really, really hard, and the other people have been there forever or have business from someone else. I feel so incompetent yet I'm working my butt off. Thank God I have a salary, although it's a "draw". I think about this job constantly, how I'm going to improve it, what I'm going to do next, how to make my days more productive, what goals I'm going to set for myself, how I'm going to find job leads, it's really hard. With jobs, I'm such a perfectionist - I have to be an excellent performer, and I know I've been there only three weeks and really no one is helping me, but still. You know? Okay, I know, stop being obsessive. But it's all I think about.

I'm doing okay with the housework, I think? I'm doing laundry right now (on Saturday) to keep up with that at least, and I did the dishes once last week (which is good for me, but we eat out a lot). When I was fired, I used to actually try to make my own pizza dough from scratch - you know, with flour, etc., and make pizza, and now it's frozen or ordered. But that happened once I started a job. I would get up and fix my fiance breakfast every single morning before he went to work. It lasted a few months, I think, and then I don't know what happened. Maybe I was "manic" or something, who knows. But women do it all the time, right? Get up and fix breakfast for their family? Why can't I get my butt out of bed and make breakfast - at least when I didn't have a job? Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. So unproductive. So opinionated and passionate, yet I do nothing about it. Like politics - I'm SO opinionated, but why am I not this huge activist? I once emailed every single U.S. Ambassador about the war in Iraq, but that's about where my activism ends. I WANT to volunteer and help abused children, but do I? No. I just say I want to all the time. Ah well, nothing else left to say, except more obession about the job. That's about it for now. Over and out. (How dorky - I don't know what else to say). Thanks for listening, my dear, sweet blog. (Better, yes?)

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