Sunday, March 20, 2005

What Am I Doing???

So - I lost a job and found a job in 2-3 weeks. After searching for a job for 7 months the first time. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose this job. I told them that basically, I've had years of recruiting experience. Basically, I've had 1 month. And half of that was selling. They've got to know by now that I'm a newbie. And right now, I'm in such a "panic state" that I had to take 4 klonipin and I never do that. It gets to where I feel like I have to have a bowel movement because my stomach is so tied in knots right there, but I really don't because I try and try. And Mark is gone to Utah for Brainshare, which I'm so proud of him for Novell choosing him to give speeches and giving him a Service award, but I'm scared when he's gone. A long time ago - about two years ago - I wrote two checks that bounced. And now there's a warrant for my arrest. So basically, if I get pulled over, I'm going to jail. What if that happens while Mark is out of town? What if they fire me from my job tomorrow? What if I should have already made a placement? What if I'm expected to have 4 placements in my first month? What if they can tell I'm a newbie? What if I can't wake up tomorrow? What if I'm late to work? What if I can't sleep tonight? What if Amy makes all 5 Web Services/Java Developer placements and I make 0? Do you see why my doctor thinks I have a problem with "panic", and gives me something other than xanax? Xanax doesn't really work for me, it just makes me sleepy. And maybe kind of calm. But this is different. This is pure panic. Yes, that's it! I'm having a panic attack - a bad one tonight! I never actually put it in those words before, or admitted it to myself. It helps to write it out and admit it to myself. Gosh, if anyone reads this, they're going to think I'm frickin' looney. "what if, what if, what if my hair grows 2 inches overnight". I know I sound foolish. Now I'm worried that I'm being foolish. I haven't eaten all day, and I just tried, and took about 5 bites of salad, and couldn't eat any more. I've lost about 15 pounds, which yay! Is great! But my doctor took me off of lithium, I stopped taking birth control because I didn't want to go to the OB/GYN to get a new prescription, and I'm taking phentermine, which I'm sure adds to the panic. I really like my job, though. The day goes by SO FAST that I can't believe it. Tomorrow I will be really busy, I just know it. But, we'll see. Maybe not. Maybe Amy will fill all the positions. She's so cute - really tiny waist, and it looks like she's had breast implants, long blonde (but not thick) hair, in her thirties, though. I think she likes to party. She calls her husband about 4 or 5 times a day with the dumbest information. "Here's the weather" "What do you want for dinner", and no one else does that. Maybe she's not from the consulting world? I have no idea. Brenda is nice - she always helps me when I ask. I need to make better friends with David and Brenda, no doubt. They are my boss's (Gary) favorites, I can already tell. And I know that Brenda has helped me way more than Amy, which I like, but then I feel bad for Amy at the same time. Mark says I'm in competition with Amy - she's been there for a month, but I'm very competitive, so she's the newest besides me, so who else to judge my performance against? Except I'm sure she's had years of experience too. She's really dingy though, which is good, because I won't be the dingy blonde this time.

Mark just called from Salt Lake City. I don't know if I feel better or worse. I asked him to call me back when he's at his hotel. Maybe that's what sent me into a panic attack - the fact that he's not here. What a loser that would make me. I wish the klonipin would kick in, but it's this slow acting medication that's not like any type of, well, I don't know what else to call it, but anything like a xanax type of drug - or valium, whatever. That's not the purpose. It may have just started working, or maybe I just willed and lied to myself that it is now working. I did just do that. I need to iron my clothes for tomorrow, so I guess I'd better do that. One less thing to panic about, right?

Geez this is awful. I hope I make it to work on time.

Thanks, dear blog.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Whew!

I have so much anxiety! So much to do! The company I will be working for decided they wanted me to start on Thursday instead of Monday. Today is Tuesday. Payroll begins on the 10th, and Thursday is the 10th, so I'm sure it makes sense, but I have no idea what to wear, what time to show up, who to ask for, where to park, etc. etc. And I've got these checks that bounced to go pay, I've got to go pick up a prescription for Adderall, figure out how to get Cody's medication (he takes chronic pain med, and I made an appt for Mark to take him in tonight so he could get more medicine), go to Garland's municipal court or whatever and show that I've picked up the checks and paid for them, all by Thursday, yet I just sit here. I get into playing the SIMS, and try to forget instead. Maybe that's better? Of course it isn't. At least I got my diet pills today. Oh yeah, I lost weight. I'm down to 162.5 now. Still very overweight, but better than when I was 175.5, right? Hopefully I'll be down to my normal 125-135 by Christmas. I think having a job and working with normal girls and people will help.

I'm so anxious - it's like the first day of school or something. What if they don't like me? What if everyone at work is prettier than me? What if they don't talk to me? What if they think I'm stupid and ugly? What if they expect me to know more than I do about recruiting? So many questions, I know. I'm really upset? Anxious? Nervous? All of those words seem wrong. Worried, maybe - I think that's the right word. At the large consulting firm I worked, I don't remember if I was nervous or not. I don't remember being nervous, but I'm sure I must have been a little? I was much more confident about my appearance - I thought every guy thought I was gorgeous, and looking back, maybe they did. But I don't feel that way now. I worked there 8 years, and I made some lasting friends, even if we don't talk often. Kellie is a great friend - she's been a reference for me, and is always there when I want to talk. I hope I'm there for her, too. I don't think I'm such a good long distant (meaning - non working or school friend).

So here I am about to start a new career - I hope THIS time I can do a great job and they'll keep me and be happy with the work I do. And I hope they'll train me this time!!! I hope one day to look back in my journal and read this and laugh about my anxieties and wish I could do it all again for myself and not have to worry. Does anyone else ever think things like that?

I thought of creating a second blog - a political blog - but I don't know that I have time to do it, really. It's all I used to do in the past, back when I was worked for the consulting firm when I was at home, even. I played in a simulated Senate with other people - taking a seat of a member of the Senate whose party was the same as mine and, I believe, really had similar views. I did that for over a year and got really addicted. But we ended up talking more about real life politics than anything. It was good, really - we were able to talk virtually to each other about things that you'd never talk to anyone besides your significant other (unless you were just one of those people that liked to make people mad). We'd talk about the war in Iraq - some people trying to find ways in the Senate to stop it from occurring (not saying which side I was on since this is not my political blog), going over and over the Patriot Act, but that was a good thing. I know that piece of intentionally ill-worded, hard to read piece of documentation pretty well now. We argued about that and actually amended it - well, wait...maybe we finally all agreed, but then some got stubborn and just refused to vote, period. I suppose that can happen in the real Senate too - people just not showing up to vote, but in this case, we needed a quandry which we never got. I don't know what good my creating a political blog would be, though. Doesn't everyone have one, probably? I'll have to think about that. This blog is supposed to be used just to vent and get out my thoughts.

Okay, still anxious and concerned and worried and wondering why in the world someone would hire me, but knowing I'm the hardest worker anyone could ever find....I'm going to go for now. Thanks for listening, dear, sweet blog.
Saturday, March 05, 2005

What a Wild Week

I can't get over how many people are calling me just from viewing my resume on monster.com. It's unreal. I already have a good, solid job offer - a better job than the one I had before. It's at a company that recruits for SAP, which I know nothing about, but that's okay- they'll train me. And it's not a draw - there's a base salary - woohoo! I still have interviews next week, so I guess I'll go ahead and go to them, what if this opportunity never comes to fruition? We agreed (HR & I ) to start a week from Monday, and she would check references and I'm assuming run a background check. How nice it will be to work with girls again. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I just want to be a really hard worker, and make a good, decent, solid, salary. But I have some heavy hitting interviews this week, though - like at two very well known recruiting companies, although one was based in Fort Worth and far for me to drive...

I want to sleep, but I can't. I just feel out of it. I feel so anxious, yet can't fall asleep to relieve myself of it. I want to just go to sleep and forget everything, but my body won't let me.

My interview with the wireless folks was interesting. I might think that I actually had a shot at that interview except the Recruiting Manager called me when I was 10 minutes late to the first interview to ask me where I was. Well, I was walking to the interview - I was late. I never called him back, and he hasn't called me either. When I thought about it - why did he make me first? Isn't the first person usually the weakest? I probably will never hear from him again. Nor from the first place I interviewed. And then from another place, I didn't get the job, but HR called and mentioned that I'd done some cold calling, and they also did cold calling as well, and mentioned recruiting, and wanted to introduce me to some managers. I remember being at this place - where these young people sat around these "pod" type tables cold-calling people on lists - that's all they did all day. I don't want to do that. No private space at all - people walking by you all the time going here and there - forget it. Not that that was the job they were thinking of for me. We never discussed it. But she was nice enough to think of me, so I should go check it out, I guess.

That's it for now. Boring weekend, boring but anxious life. Night.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005

What am i doing...

So what am I doing? My life is a mess. I can't find a job - I have several interviews lined up, but I never can seem to get the job. I had one today, and the guy said to call him on Friday, but I wonder if it's even worth it. If he liked me, wouldn't he call me? And Mark is so unhappy with his job. He found out that Mike - this guy that supposedly resigned before Christmas is now back on the payroll again, and he wasn't even asked or told. He found out about it in an accounting meeting today, and man is he pissed. He's on his way home, and with both of us in hopeless moods, this can't go very well tonight. I think I'm just going to take a bunch of klonipin (not too much, i already had 2 for my interview), and chill out a bit. I have too - right now i just want to walk away from the house and the house payments, and crawl under a rock and live there for free. Life is WAY too hard for me and Mark right now. Mark hates his job, I hate not having a job, and it's just awful. He might have a job at a Baptist church as a CIO, but it may pay less than what he's making now. So what - just get out of where he is, you know? i don't know how we'll make ends meet. And to top it off - I probably won't even get unemployment payments because I worked in ThIS quarter of the year, and not the last quarter. It's so confusing. I hate my life right now. I really do. Nothing is going right - everything wrong. I don't know how long I can keep it together, and for what reason? What reason is there to keep it together? What reason should i even stay alive and live off Mark's money? I'm just a waste - a drain - of space. I don't cook, clean, nothing. I'm worthless. Mark deserves so much more than me, so what do I do? Do i just disappear? And how - with what money? There's only one clear easy way to answer that question, but that causes a lot of trauma to other people. Yet, it's getting to where I don't have any other answers anymore. What else is left? I mean really, what else is there? I'm giving up hope - I don't know what there is to hope for anymore. And yes, I'm crying with a big lump in my throat as I type this. Say I'm feeling sorry for myself, I don't care. I would say I feel nothing for myself and wish I didn't exist. I suppose I do have enough medicine to make that part happen.....

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