Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I finally started the process...

My dearest Blog -

I finally started the process of getting my bad checks taken care of. The whole nasty situation is going to cost me $700, but at least it will all be behind me. I found out that if I drove and got pulled over, I would be put in jail and couldn't be bonded out - so if I were caught, I would just have to stay in jail. I can't imagine that - staying in jail for months? I was so scared that I took a taxi to the courthouse, and had to see the judge. He lowered the fines, but I'm not sure how much. It seems like I pay the check, plus $100 per bad check, then $300 more dollars, equaling about $700. The taxi driver told me that he gets about 24 traffic tickets in 12 months, and has to keep track of them so he doesn't make any failures to appear like I did. He actually appears, and even asks for jury trials. I can't imagine that, but I can imagine 24 tickets in 12 months if you're a taxi driver. Oh yeah - I forgot. I told the taxi driver that I had traffic tickets, not bad checks. That sounds a little better, I'm so ashamed.

Other than that, the house is a mess, I have a headache, Mark and I got into a big fight tonight over money, and I'm ready to go to work. I am bored - just like Alan, my new boss, said I would be. But tomorrow I have to go pay for the checks, take our clothes to the cleaners, do laundry, and try and pick up some of this mess. I wish I could just take a pill for some energy, but what is there that I haven't already tried?

I really wish that I wasn't so messy. I mean, I am a MESS. But I read on the bipolar boards that this is a common problem for bipolars. They're just messy, and then it overwhelms them. I'm not saying that I am bipolar, that's who I am. I'm who I am, and I happen to be bipolar. Being bipolar does explain some things in my life, but it's not a crutch I use, or at least try to use. It's actually quite humiliating, and only a few people know. Just Mark, my dad, maybe Melanie, Johnnie, Kellie, Totty and Josh. The last 5 are from "a big 5 consulting firm", where I worked for 8 years. I took everything for granted there, but why wouldn't I - I worked there for 8 frickin' years. And I was fired. Of course I don't admit that to anyone, but I deserved it, it was a long time coming. I gave my ALL to that job when I was a supervisor, and when Theo was promoted to manager and not me, I lost it. I couldn't get over it, and I was severely depressed for months. I couldn't laugh, nothing gave me joy, and I would come home and go to bed in my dress clothes and cry for hours in bed while Mark tried to talk to me. After a few hours (and probably a headache) later, I would feel better enough to change my clothes, I'm sure I would eat something, and probably go to bed just to start the cycle all over again. I wonder if this is already in my blog. So anyways, it finally got so bad - I had all these ideas of how I was going to end my life, it was the only soothing thing I had, the only thing that made me feel better, that Mark really pushed me to call my horrible psychiatrist that I had back then - a Russian woman whom I could not communicate with. She called me back after I paged her, and because I said I wanted to kill myself, she wouldn't prescribe anything, and I had no choice but to go to the hospital. It was an experience I'll never forget. It's an experience I'll never regret, either. I was out of work for 6 weeks, if you can believe that. I had so much anxiety and wanted to die all at the same time. My doctor, whom I didn't think was any good, really saved me. Without him, I don't know where I'd be today. Probably not on my third job this year. Ha! I have a feeling that I've already talked about this before in my blog, so I'll just end it here...

This is my one week off from work, so I'd better enjoy it while I can. I guess all I can do is try to clean as much as I can so we can have a cleaning company come every other week to clean our house. I think life would be so much better that way. Of course, we need someone to do the outside of our house too. Who knows, maybe this summer we'll have the money to get our yard landscaped - wouldn't that be nice!

Okay - over and out. Tomorrow is pay my bad checks day. Ick.

Bye sweet blog.
Monday, April 11, 2005

What a Change a Few Days Can Make

I read my post from 3/20, and realize how much changed at work so quickly. Brenda turned out to be a witch, and so did Tona, and I ended up quitting last week for another job that I start NEXT week. I reached my breaking point where I just cried and cried, and over such high schoolish things such as not being part of a group. I can't explain it, but I've never felt so excluded before. I'm sure in school I've been excluded at one point or another, but I don't recall quite the same feeling. It was horrible. I've wondered if the phentermine contributed to it at all. So yes, I did quit. Where am I going?

I can't remember the name of the company off the top of my head. But it's not nearly as nice as the company I'm coming from. I think I'll make more money, though. The base pay is the same, and I think I'll make much more in commission, although I think the roles I'll be staffing for will be lower on the pay scale. But at the other company, it didn't matter how much the person made that I placed - I got $250 for each placement, then $250 after six months if they were still there, and $250 after 9 months if they were still there. And that was IT. They didn't shut off my email, and I just checked it and found out one of the salesman wanted me to tell a guy who had already filled out his paperwork for hire that he didn't get the job. I'm glad I don't have to do that now. That was really mean to have him fill out all that stuff.

But the new company is kind of icky to me. I mean, it seems kind of...dusty? Old? Not very nice? They call it a "mom and pop shop". I guess we'll see how this goes. I'm a very hard worker, and I like recruiting - it makes the day go by SO FAST. I love it. When I'm not demoralized by skanky girls.

This weekend I feel like I've eaten so much that I've put all 15 pounds that I've lost back on. I can't get the rhythm back of the Adderall and Phetermine back - you know, don't eat for 2 hours after you take phentermine. And if you don't, it really works for the rest of the day. But if you do, it's like you took nothing.

Being at that company for the month I was there was almost like being in an abusive situation. It was that bad. I feel scarred by it. It was almost like they made a point to ensure I knew I was being excluded. Once I heard Tona say "there's enough for everyone", and I turned around and said "Really? What is it?" and she laughed at me with her back to me. She laughed the kind of laugh where you just laugh and it comes out kind of spitty - like you don't mean to laugh, but can't help it. And Brenda would help me, but say nasty things to me, like "don't write it down because you will, then you'll just come ask me again", but she'd say it really mean. She did it a few times. And they were best friends, and the most female senior recruiters out of the six of us, and they were friends with everyone else in the office. It was just horrible, I can't explain how it made me feel, but it was horrible. Amy said the day that I worked 7:30 - 4:30, she came over and started asking if I was using the client's name, and then she said that she thought Amy would "chime in" and complain about me too. She asked why I never came back there anymore. Now I think Amy was trying to start something between Brenda and I - she was trying to get me to be mad at Brenda, I think. Or maybe Brenda was being a bitch again. Either way, it was like high school or even junior high. People talking behind each other's backs - it was horrible. I couldn't take it - I thought they hated me or something the way they acted and that they were making fun of me. They sure didn't include me or try to talk to me. But they did to Amy - like, Tona would go get a breakfast burrito and ask Amy if she wanted one, but not me. See what I mean? I got so caught up in it that I couldn't even concentrate on my job. I would hear Brenda go over and talk to Amy, but not to me. Tona would say bye to Amy, but not to me. It was awful. And it was stupid of me to even feel bad about it, but I did. I had to get out of there. Supposedly, according to Amy (do you think she was part of the problem for me?), who was only there a month longer than I was, there had been several people in the past months that had quit for the same reason. And I was there when Gary quit, and I knew he said something because Gary, my boss, said something when he told us Gary quit. Okay, enough. I guess I'm just writing this down for future reference. I remember coming home and crying and crying, and going to the interview crying and crying at work. I just felt horrible and didn't know what I did to make them dislike me. Was it because I was fat? My hair? Was I making mistakes? Was I dumb? Did they talk behind my back? Of course I thought the last part was true. It just wasn't worth it - so I posted my resume and got a new job asap. We'll see how that goes.

For now, I have a whole week off, and I need to take care of those bad checks and go to the courthouse so I don't have a warrant for my arrest - that would be horrible if they came to my office.

For now, good night, dear blog.

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