The Hospital

Mark and I went to the vet hospital to see Cody today, and it was pretty sad. The hospital was nice enough, but Cody had a clear "hood" over his head so he wouldn't chew his needle drip out of his arm. He looked ok - not 100% I could tell, but ok. He was happy to see us, but kept his tail down the whole time. We pet him and gave him lots of love, but didn't stay too long because what can you really do when you're there and your dog is hooked up to a bag andyou're just crunched down beside his kennel? I walked out first because I couldn't handle looking at Cody when we both walked out. He hated it when Mark put him back in his kennel, and tried to get him to let him back out by putting his "schnout" where the cage came together. I had give him a couple of kisses and then left. Mark even kissed him on the top of his schnout. When Mark left the room, Cody started crying pretty loudly, and barking like he was crying. It was hard to leave him there, but it was the best thing for him, even if he didn't know it. And then later, I realized, we have a dog that can't eat. What are we going to do? Cody can't eat at all - something has to be done, and soon. The vet said today that he had eaten this morning and thrown up several times and he was off food for at least 24 hours. What are we supposed to do when Cody can't keep his food down? It's all I can think about. I want him to be ok. I just want to know what the problem is, what is going to happen - can it be resolved, and if so, how, and when, and why, and where, and how long, and everything. If he needs surgery, fine, lets not wait and just DO IT. Open him up and find out what's wrong!!! Don't let him suffer any longer than he needs to! I guess I'm the only one that thinks this.


Cody was sick today. I cleaned up his vomit, which looked like it had corn it it, and went to work. I thought I let him out, and Mark must have let him back in. It seems like he wants to go outside to go to the bathroom less and less, maybe? When I got home (I came home early today because it is Friday before Memorial Day), Cody was very, very sick. He didn't want to come downstairs, so I found a clean dish and put soft dogfood in it with his medicine in case he was feeling sore. When he finally did come down, he was walking down the stairs very strangely - like he was so sick. Then he walked right past his soft dog food, which he normally scarfs right up! I knew he was sick, and I remembered him vomiting. After watching him for a few minutes, I knew he needed to go to the doctor. His eyes were kind of glazed - sort of sleepy looking, he wouldn't stop panting, and I could tell he was very uncomfortable. I called Mark to get him to come home to take Cody to the doctor - I normally never take him because he tries to attack everyone when it's just me and him, but Mark had a meeting and wouldn't leave. So I worked it out with the nurse that I would come in and someone would take Cody into a room and I would stay outside in the waiting room. Cody was really good in the car - he sat up and didn't move and didn't get sick. He was also really good at the vet - didn't growl except a little bit maybe once, let himself be weighed, went into a room without trying to bark or bite, I knew then he was so much sicker than I thought. After a while, the vet, Kim Clary came out and asked about his symptoms, and I told her it's not like Cody to eat something and get really sick like that. He has eaten things, he gets sick, and then it's over. She said she had tried to feel his stomach, and that normal dogs' stomachs feel tense, but Cody's was extra tense and that concerned her. She wanted to see why. So she asked if she could do an x-ray and a blood test, and I said yes. She said the x-ray found a pebble looking thing that could have been causing his upset stomach, but his white cell blood count was showing that he was really fighting something hard in his system - his body thought it was trying to really attack something hard. So she asked if she could do an ultrasound, and decided to keep him overnight and thought he had pancreatitis. She wanted to boost him with fluids and antibiotics and see if he felt better enough to eat some food and keep it down to go home this weekend. So I left Cody there. He wanted to come home with me, but I made him go with the man that was taking him into the back. I'll never forget that - I feel so mean for deserting him like that. I love him SOOO much. Anyways, the doctor finally called after the ultrasound and said Cody had some kind of fluid buildup on his lymph node of his kidney, or some kind of mass. She said at the emergency clinic she was going to make notes that they be much more aggressive with the antibiotics, and see if he would eat something eventually and feel better enough to come home. If so, then we will bring him back on Tuesday for another ultrasound to see if the growth has gone down from the antibiotics. I guess there's the alternative - that he won't eat and won't feel any better and we won't get to bring him home this weekend. I need to clean the house, especially the floor, for Cody in case he gets to come home this weekend. Oh yeah, the doctor said if he doesn't get better, or if he does come home but another ultrasound shows the mass as being the same size, then we'll have to have surgery - drain the lymph node or do a biopsy on it. I can't even believe what I'm typing as I type it. It's so hard to believe, and I don't want to believe it. I can't believe how much I love that dog and how responsible I feel for him.

Can't Sleep...Again.

Hello, Dear Blog.

I can't sleep again. It' 1:17am and I don't know if it's Mark snoring or what the deal is. I wake up and I feel so anxious and almost like I'm depressed. Yes, I guess I do feel anxious and depressed at the same time, so I took some klonipin. Which won't work, and if it does, not for hours, and even then, just barely. Work is always on my mind. I work and work on the Hartford account, yet nothing ever seems to happen with it. I've put up so many people to be interviewed, and lots have qualified, yet only two have been interviewed and none have been hired. And I'm at the end of my fourth week. I don't know if I like the place where I work now or not. Maybe I just don't like being a recruiter. I don't think I want to go back to "that big 5 consulting firm" - working for the Help Desk (not on, thank God, but they WOULD make me help take calls in dire need - I HATED that) which I had no idea what a stigma a "help desk" really has. It's not good at all, but I didn't know back then that even working for the help desk in a support type of role such as being a liaison between groups who work with the help desk could be a stigma just because it was working with the "help desk". I suppose I could always change the name from help desk to something else on a resume.

Oh yes, then there's Mark's brother. He lost his job, and I'd really like to help him find another one. But he has almost 0 marketable experience. He was doing things like programming in Fortran - I've never seen a job request for that before - not that that means much, but still - it's an ancient programming language that isn't really used anymore. How can I tell him that I really can't help him? I suggested a job that was $30/hour today, and he said that was lower than he made, and yet he didn't have strong enough experience for me to submit him for the position, but how in the world would I find him a job that pays over $60k/year with his skills? He does have a degree, but that is commonplace now in the IT world. I wish he could go into his chosen field - engineering, but of course he'd have to start at the bottom and work his way back into his pay, but I'm afraid he'll have to do that anyway. I think he worked at the company where he was at for so long that he kept getting raise after raise until he was way overpaid for what he did.

And then there's Constantine. I know, what about Constantine? Well, I heard that Constantine got an offer from Ralph Lauren to be a model for them. And I saw a photo of him and a girl going to or from the Star Wars movie. She wasn't that cute, and I have no idea who she was. She was very tiny, though. And he looked extremely tired. Actually, the recent Constantine pictures I've seen he looks very tired or something. I'm sure his schedule is really getting to him - with the appearances, and his band, and the fans, etc. I can't believe how crazy women are going over him. They are totally OBSESSED with him - still. Over two weeks after he was voted off American Idol. I guess that's not very long, is it. I'm slowly losing my Constantine obsession. Like - I never bought his band's CD because I went to their site and watched an *mpeg of Constantine singing in the band and didn't like the style of music, so why would I buy the CD? Just to hear Constantine sing music that I can't stand - heavy rock metal type? I didn't want to buy a CD of "Pray for the Soul of Betty" and barely listen to it to have it just lay around until the end of time. For someone who just couldn't wait until Tuesday nights to see Constantine on American Idol - I thought about it all week every week - and now he's gone and I'm starting to get over it and wanting to talk about him to ANYONE who wants to listen or knows who he is, makes me think I'm making some progress. I try to concentrate on things I find that I don't like about him. Don't get me wrong - I still go out to the "Connie's" board and read about him, but I just do it less now. Like today - I just went out for about 2 minutes, read the headlines of the last page of messages, checked out one or two messages that said they had links to pictures, checked them out, and saw things that I didn't like about Constantine. Like him being tired. Like I didn't like the way his stubbly beard looked. Like maybe now I can tell by his teeth or something that he smokes. Or like maybe he looks kind of chubby from that suit and white shirt he wore to the Star Wars movie. (Star Trek? Who knows - I'm not into that). I'm not sure if I'm LOOKING for it, or if I just expect Constantine to be perfect, and I look at him, and my eye sees things that it doesn't think is perfect right away and I'm disappointed. I suppose I had him on a pedastal so high that there was no way to go but down. I was totally obsessed, to the point where I thought I needed counseling. But I think all I needed was time. But again, don't get me wrong. I still think about him a LOT. I think it's like any addiction - it gets less and less every day that passes. I guess?

I wish I could sleep, and I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. Mark's birthday is Sunday, and he's depressed because he's turning 29. Well, I'll turn 37 in August, so that worries me. I did the same thing with Jeff. Once I started getting older, I realized I wanted to be younger and to do things younger people did. Now that I think about it, he's actually kind of worrying me. He didn't work today, yet he didn't take a day off, meaning he didn't tell anyone he wasn't working. And he's planning on not working tomorrow, and not telling anyone he's not working either. Sure, he's a Partner in the company, but he's still accountable for building and growing the company. He did say that it was because he was depressed over it being his birthday this weekend. I wonder why he is depressed versus me being depressed over a birthday? I hate getting older. I hate seeing wrinkles around my eyes. I hate my body. I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate how messy and dirty the house is. Maybe I just hate life in general. I mean, what is there that I really like about it? What do I really have to look forward to? Going to work? The weekend so I can sit on my butt and think about going to work on Monday? I hate my life.

Nothing much more to say. I can't sleep, and I don't know what to do now, I'm all typed out. Goodbye for now.

Except for two people at work - a girl and a guy - L. and D. L. is really strange, and she acts like she's threatened by my existence in the office. D. is kind of mean to me I think - and he treats L. like a queen, even though she's always out sick or leaving early, whatever. And I think he gives the better jobs to L. and Nicole. I really like Nicole, so no complaints there. I guess I just don't like L. I'm tired of being nice to her. And how close she and D. are, without regard to what Nicole and myself might think or feel about being a team in the office - about any type of exclusion. They are actually out of town in CT meeting with Hartford HR reps, and sharing a room. Two bedrooms in one room. I think that's really weird and not right for two married persons. I'm shocked that L's husband and D's wife are okay with it. If they even know about it. Do you think they're having an affair? I think they might be. It's totally possible. I don't know why my boss keeps L. around.

Oh well, who cares, right?

Can't Sleep!

It's 1:01am and I can't sleep! I hate this. I just lay in bed with my eyes squinched shut, yet my mind is going a million miles a minute. I'm thinking about a few things. First is work. I had a girl who, I think, failed a drug test today - she pee'd in a cup and I had to watch the lines on the outside of the cup go up or not to show if she'd tested positive for any drugs, and I'm not sure if she had by the results. Then her background check showed that 2 years ago she was busted with a DWI and possession of marijuana. I like this girl, but now I'm getting cold feet about placing her. She was shaking SO BAD when she held the cup of pee out for Anita and I to analyze - now I know why. Either it was because of her previous issues and the fact that she's on probation for a drug charge, or that she really had done drugs. Who knows. I'm surprised at how messed up people are and I didn't even know it. Then another girl supposedly didn't show up until 10:30 this morning and the girl that Dave works with told Dave she was supposed to be there by 9:00am. The girl said that she and her manager had worked it out so she could be there at 10:00, which she was there by 10:00, and that he had asked if she was coming back tomorrow and already had plans of things for her to do. I didn't like calling her to tell her that she was cut, but then she decided she was going up there anyway, and I had to talk her out of that. It was horrible. I am just worrying and worrying tonight. What if what if what if. And then there's Mark and his birthday. It's coming up on Sunday. I bought him a DVD recording camcorder which I think he'll like, but then he blew his car speakers today, and that $1000 could have gone towards that. How could I have known? I shouldn't have spent so much money. And the house is a MESS. There's trash everywhere - so much so that Cody the dog gets debris on him when he walks in the house. And of course, there's still this Constantine obsession. When I'm laying in bed, I think of the songs he sang and his performances - they were awesome, and how much I miss seeing him every week on American Idol. I wish I could just stop thinking about him, but I can't. It's a good thing Mark is here, because if I just lived alone, I can't imagine how obsessed of a fan I would be. But I can't get Constantine out of my brain. He's like this record going over and over in my mind, but I don't really want it to stop - I just want new records to go over and over in my mind. I can't think of anything about Constantine that I don't totally and absolutely just adore, even though I know it's probably for show, not for real. But his hair is for real. The way he says certain words when he sings is for real. The way he performs is real. It's like I'm a teenager with this huge crush on the Beatles - at least how they describe it being like. I found a site with all of his American Idol performances on it (audio) and burned a CD with them so I could have a Constantine only CD to listen to in the car. But it just makes me miss him more and think about him more, so I end up not listening to it. I read somewhere that there are actually self-help groups on the internet where people are trying to get over their Constantine addiction. I believe it. It's something I can't explain. I was intrigued by him when I saw him for the first time on American Idol, and then was curious when I saw him quit his band to go on AI. But it was when he performed "I think I love you" with the colorful scarf is when he captured my attention and something else in me, I don't know what. My heart? As a fan? Geez, it's bad when every hand move, every mouth movement is just so important and sexy and cute and it's just stupid and absurd and I hate it about myself. I want it to go away so badly. Do you really think I like feeling like this? I don't. At first, I did - it was exciting being this fan again with something to look forward to - Constantine on American Idol. But now he's not there anymore and I just have distant memories and old performances and it's pitiful. With my job, the house, Constantine, my constant worrying about Mark and what he's thinking and how he's doing, I don't know how I ever sleep. Worry worry worry. Oh well. Thanks for listening.

Weighed Today

...and I weighed 155.5. Getting down there a pound by a pound. I'm being patient this time and not beating myself up so much this time. By the end of June, my goal is to be at 153.0. That shouldn't be so hard, should it? That would mean by Jan 1, if I keep losing 3 pounds per month, I should weigh 132. And from there, I'll just lose weight for a bikini in the summer. Not so bad, right? We'll see. I hope I can keep this momentum going.

Much Better These Days

Dear Blog -

Things have been so much better these days since I got away from that horrible company I was working for. I honestly didn't know people could or would act that way. I talked to a girl that works there that I was/am friends with, and she said one of them actually sais that yes, she was mean to me, and if someone couldn't handle that, then they didn't need to work there. Can you believe that? It seems like a lifetime away, although I know it's only been a month. I feel so naive for not knowing people could be that way towards someone at work. I really didn't know people would even WANT to work that way - and not try and get along with others. The girls weren't even that pretty, they were just mean. I arranged an interview with the girl that I was friends with at the other company with my now-boss, and if she wants to be a recruiter where I work now, she can have the job. She said that she always liked working with me, that I'd always been honest and tried to get along with the mean girls, and I think she may take it. I don't know if that would be good or bad. We'll see what happens. I think everyone was making more than I was for a base salary at the other company, but who cares. I'm out of there. What I make now for a base isn't great, but it really helps with the bills. And hopefully my commission will be adding up. I like my new staffing company so far - the people are nice and I get along with them all (one is really strange though - bipolar - way way bipolar and cycling fast?) but they all want to get along with each other which is good.

Mark and I are doing well, I *think*. I never know what he's really thinking. I haven't really been cleaning the house, which I know bothers him because it's mostly my mess. And I probably haven't been giving him much attention because I'm working now, but what can I do about that? And I'm OBSESSED with an ex-American Idol - Constantine Maroulis. OMG, he is so...cute just doesn't describe it. Sexy? I don't know - I feel like a teenager in love with a rock star. I guess that's what a fan is, right? A big crush or something. I didn't know that I could feel like this and not be a teenager! I really hope he puts out a good solo CD, and soon. If I could, I would put posters of him all over the house! I'm even in a web group that talks about only him, and these girls are like me, just 100 times more so. They crack me up. But it was so unfair when he got kicked off of American Idol. I think it was due to power voting for Scott Savol. I tried to vote for Constantine, but the lines were busy when I tried. I should have been a better fan and kept trying to dial over and over, but I was really tired that night - I had just gotten home from having my hair done, watched the show, and it was like 10 or 10:30 and I needed to go to bed for work. If I could go back in time - heck, if all his fans could go back in time, we wouldn't have given up - we probably would have stayed up all night and voted. I miss seeing him so much every week on American Idol. And now they're singing two songs apiece each week, and I'm missing seeing him perform twice instead of once each week!!!

I guess that's it, except I'm DYING of cramps today. TMI, I'm sure, but geez. This is unreal.

Love Ya sweet blog...

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