Sunday, June 26, 2005

Is IT Me? Or HIM? Or?

My mind is racing so fast. Am I manic? I got so angry - dysphoric. My panic went up so fast and the "what if's" were out of control. I was watching a show called "Intervention" about drug addicts getting help, and Cody kept coming to us wanting attention - very much not like him. Mark couldn't stop playing his game for one single g*d damned second to pay attention to what was going on with Cody, and it just escalated with me. It still is. I'm still getting angrier and angrier about it. I want to go upstairs and just yell at him over it. He couldn't off his stupid assed g*d damned game and Cody is SICK! I know he is! I kept trying to tell him his eyes are looking cloudy, he is coming to us to take away how he feels, and he wouldn't stop playing his stupid f*cking computer game for one second! God I 'm mad! As HELL! I can't get over it, I just can't. He actually had the nerve to say that it wasn't that Cody was sick, it was that I wanted him to get off of his game, which I never said to get off of your game, because you "haven't socialized enough today". Well F*CK YOU! Cody is sick, damned you, and I don't care what you have to say about me or anyone else, when Cody is sick, get you damned ass of of the computer and get your head in the f*cking real world for just two g*d damned seconds! Man am I sick of this. I am in a total rage, and I just can't go back upstairs. I'm so mad at him. God I"m mad. Am I sick? I took 2 klonipin not that long ago. I feel adrenaline running through my body. I tried to lay down, but my heart was beating fast, and it was like I wasn't even laying down but almost hovering above the bed. If that makes any sense. Maybe I'm just panicked because I don't know what to do if Cody is sick, and I'm looking for the answer in him, and he won't pay attention to the clues Cody is giving. Cody already tried to throw up earlier this afternoon, and he just isn't acting right. He's panting, his eyes look a little cloudy, and he wasn't quite as alert as he normally is. But he did eat the chicken that I gave him with a Pepcid in it that was Mark's fault, when I kept asking him over and over what did we have to make Cody better. I feel trapped. My heart is beating fast, like I took a bunch of ephedrine. Is it me? Or is this situation real? Is it simply my true reaction, or am I getting sick? When we were watching that show, I almost convinced myself that Mark was sleeping with prostitutes. I started to get mad at him about it. He raised his voice about it, and I decided he only did that to get the attention off of himself. Now I wonder if he does. See? Isn't that crazy? I haven't been paranoid like this in years. Years? Yes, years I think. I forgot what it felt like. But maybe it was Mark, not me. Maybe it's him, not me. I could just slap that snide little remark right off of his face - that I haven't socialized enough today, when I'm worried about the dog. I could smash his laptop in pieces right now I'm so mad. Maybe this is how I felt when I tore all of those Playboy magazines up and threw the pictures all over the garage. That was crazed. Man I must have been so mad. Maybe writing about all of these things is better than actually doing anything. Then I can decide later, when the feelings subside, what is real. I'll read this later, and see what I think. If I over-reacted. I'm almost afraid to stop writing, because my mind will still be going. Maybe I should post on the bipolar board.
Friday, June 24, 2005

No Money, No Job

Well, we have no money first of all. I tried to use my card yesterday to buy lunch, and it didn't work. So I called Mark. And found out that he hadn't deposited his check because there wasn't enough money in the account for it to clear. We're -664.50 or something like that in our checking account. I did get the job that I interviewed for and found out yesterday morning, so I quit this morning by email, and my boss called me and told me he'd pay me for today and then I could come up on Monday and talk to Lucy and Nicole, give back the keys and and get my things. So I'll do that. I guess. But I'm freaking out over #1 MONEY. And I mean REALLY FREAKING OUT. IT was just like this last time this year. We came within days of losing our house. This is why I got a job. I started looking last July and found one in February of this year as a Recruiter, I think. Amazes me to think I've been a recruiter for only 5 months now. At 3 firms. Ha. So now we have no money, except for this check I have in my purse for about $540.00. That's all we have. And hopefully another check coming for $540.00. And then nothing until I get paid from my new company. And that's another thing. I stretched the truth on my application and resume for the new company. I said I'd been with AR for about a year and a half longer than I really had. I'd only been there for a month. So when they do the background check, they could catch it and not hire me. And then I'm totally out of a job. I may have just totally messed everything up - but I didn't know Mark wasn't getting paid. I shouldn't have lied. I should have tried to get the job on my own merits. But I didn't. I had holes in my resume and I probably wouldn't have gotten the job. I am freaking out even on a Geoden and 2 Buspar. Klonipin doesn't seem to help this at all. How can I pay for gas? For food? For utilities? I'm really freaking out. And what if I don't get that job. Dang. But Mark could still get paid, or he could get a FTJ really soon, who knows? I wonder if it will be all bad news or all good news. I should have written a post after I got the job and I was happy, but there wasn't time. I found out about the job around 11:00am, went to lunch around 1:00p and used the card, called Mark right afterwards, and freaked out, so it didn't give me time to be happy. Now I'm out of control freaked out. And I mean OUT OF CONTROL. What are we going to do??????????? Lord Jesus, please help us!!!!! Is that ridiculous? I hope it's not ridiculous to ask for help. But why do I always want my faith when the chips are down. It's so hypocritical. I'm so sorry, God. I need You all the time, not just in bad times. Man, I'm totally freaked out. TOTALLY. REALLY. Anxious to where I don't know what to do and just want to sleep. Maybe I will.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005

2nd Interview and Current Job

I had my 2nd interview today at the recruiting company, and in my view, it went much better than I could have imagined. In my opinion, they are going to hire me, their mind is made up. But there could be someone more qualified in the health arena. They told me that they are a decisive group and someone would call me - Corinne if she was not sick and back in the office - tomorrow morning. I wonder what will happen if she is still sick. I won't call, I guess, if they don't call me. They have my number. And my email address. Work is out of control. Alan is out of control He thinks Lucy and I should have about 23 starts between us. That's luducrous! We can't possibly have that many starts for two people! And it's almost like he's training me to do sales. I don't want to do sales. I want to sell people on jobs, but not sell companies on using my company to staff for their contract jobs. I just don't. I feel kind of sick in my stomach tonight wondering if I'll get that job. It's a long drive from where I live - back where I used to work before where I work now, and that's pretty far. I worry about being late because of my medicine. I'll just have to bite the bullet. Take my meds earlier or something. If I don't get the call that I got the job, I'll be really disappointed. If I do get the call that I got the job (which I really doubt - these things that I really want usually don't turn out for me) then I'll be anxious about how to tell my boss that I'm quitting. I'm afraid he'll be mad and freak out. He chose me because I'd been at "a big 5 consulting firm" for 8 years - he wanted someone who wouldn't do exactly what I'd be doing. As if I'll get the job. Right. Whatever. So tomorrow I won't get the job, and I'll have to face the music on this job with Yum that I can't get filled, and the candidate they want is now backing out. I would be searching for someone right now, but our email system is down. Guess I could do it through my personal email. But then I couldn't bcc.

I feel physically ill because I don't know what will happen tomorrow. And what if nothing happens? What if I NEVER get the call, or what if it's the next day instead? What if, what if , what if. Here I go. I do want the job, though. I didn't know that I wanted it so much, but I think I do. I think. So we'll see. I may hate it if I got it. I'll have to decide that I would if I don't get it.

And work just sucks right now. It just sucks. Alan is out of his frickin' mind. It's nice that I can kind of come and go as I like. I LOVE that part. I would miss that TERRIBLY. But who knows I wouldn't have that at a new company? Not like that, though. I feel sick. Physically ill. Like I could throw up. Just tell me I don't have the job so I can settle down. I think I would actually miss Lucy.

Don't know much more to say. Except I hope I get that job, but doubt I will, even though all signs say "go".
Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Job Interview & Stuff

So I had a job interview today with a recruiting company I'd like to work for. And they asked me back tomorrow for a second interview with the recruiters I'd be working for, I think. Today I was gone for *THREE HOURS* since the interview was an hour and a half, and I got lost getting back to the office, and I left an hour ahead of time to make sure I got there on time. So tomorrow, I guess I'll tell them I'm meeting a candidate for the FrontPage position?? I haven't told a whole lot of truth to this company about my recruiting experience. For example, the company I worked at for 8 years I did zero recruiting, yet my resume says that's all I did. (ha!) I think it's a pretty prestigious company and an excellent opportunity. Where I work now, I'm just placing stupid admins all the frickin time at the last frickin minute and it's old already. My boss doesn't tell me the truth all the time, but it's not all bad. I can stay there and do a good job. I can be late, I can flake out because of my medicine, that kind of thing, because Lucy is only there half of the time anyway. And that's another issue. I like Lucy a lot, when she's in a good mood. But when she's not, the claws come out.

Mark doesn't think he'll get paid again from his company (the next paycheck) and is freaking out and is thinking of quitting and taking a contract position. That freaks ME out because of my medical condition and my medications. I would hope the new job has good insurance, but who knows when it would start. I know the insurance we have now sucks, at least, everyone says it does. What would I do? How would I get my medications? We can't afford them.

I guess I"ll go to bed soon. Lot more to say, but I don't know if I have the desire to say it.

Night.
Friday, June 17, 2005

A Bit about Everything

We took Cody to the vet today to get a sonogram, and it looks like the antibiotics are doing the trick. The infections around his kidney are smaller, but the doctor does not want to rule out the possibility of cancer or that they would come back, if they left, in say, nine months or something. I asked her what would have happened to him if we (I) had never brought him to the doctor. She said he would be dead right now. I never knew he was THAT SICK. I had no idea he was DEATHLY ill. No wonder they acted the way they did at the vet's hospital. I still feel like we have Cody on borrowed time. He just shouldn't be here with us right now. I only know what in the world made me rush him to the doctor in the first place by reading the entry I wrote about Cody after I took him to the vet. Otherwise, I have no idea what made me think he was so sick. He just was, that's all I knew.

Work is becoming almost a nightmare. I take my medicine, and then cannot wake up in the mornings, and Mark said I look drunk to him. Today, I came home around 10am or so from work. Lucy didn't even bother to show up. Everyone thinks I'm so mad at Lucy, but I'm really just mad because she's getting the sales part of my placements of Hartford. I told Alan that today because he called me about 5 or 6 times today, and talked to Nicole about me today, too. They don't want me to quit, and like hello? Who else would hire me? Alan won't fire Lucy because of the Hartford, and thinks that she'll quit because he keeps deducting her pay everytime she is absent, which is half the time almost, but she won't. Where else can you go where you can come and go as you like and still have a job? I think she HATES it when I don't talk to her and exclude her. I think that's why she didn't show up today. She's very fragile. And if that's all it takes to knock her off kilter and make her not come to work, so be it. I can be that witch very easily. With Anita gone, she'll have no one but me and Nicole, and I sit the closest to her. I suppose I could make a game of it...

...I suppose she could make a game of me...everyone says they are on "my side", but I don't HAVE a side. I just don't want someone to benefit from my placements who hasn't done anything is all.
Sunday, June 05, 2005

Just Here

Cody is back from the hospital, and he was pretty sick for a few days, but he's regaining his strength. He will need to have surgery to remove pockets of infection above his kidney, and hopefully that's all he has - that the infections aren't caused from a cancer in his kidney or something like that. He takes antibiotics all the time, and has to until he has surgery. As a matter of fact, the doctor said he could do that for the rest of his life and not get surgery possibly, but that would eventually be more expensive than surgery, and that's not fixing the problem anyway, and Cody doesn't feel good like this. And who knows if this is really the problem? I feel like we really have Cody on borrowed time.

I bought my bridesmaid dress for Kellie's wedding, and they didn't have the actual dress in stock for me to try on. So I tried on other dresses with the same "cut" to find my size. I had to order, get this, a size friggin FOURTEEN! I can't believe I've lost 20 pounds to order a 14, and to actually look like a wear at least a size 14. I mean, these dresses looked horrible on me. Mark even admitted it. I don't know what to do but to suck it up (literally - my stomach - it's so bad) and just get through it. The wedding isn't until September, but it's June, and how much weight can I really lose by then? And even then, the dress still will make me look fat - it's just a horrible dress for me. I plan on spending some moolah on hair and makeup.

Work is almost a nightmare. I only mean a nightmare from a work standpoint. I don't have enough people on billing, and last week was a mess. Maybe last week was so bad because I was interviewing so much and looking for people for this client. I found 6 people for 2 positions, but they're both part time, and one is only contract - for 4 months. My neighbor is one of the applicants! That was weird. She is nice, but I just don't know what she thinks of me - if she judges me, thinks lower of me, or what. It's weird. She's pretty, a few years younger than me, I think she's active in the community - who knows. I just don't want her to see my messy house, and I'm embarrassed about our flower garden and leaning tree.

About work again. My first Hartford placement hates her job. And I have no other Hartford placements. I work SO MUCH on Hartford, and yet - have no placements on there. I worry that I'll be let go. I worry that I'm not much of a recruiter. I went on a sales call and pretty much sat there quietly. The sales guy did a good job, but who knows if we'll keep the account. I'm not good for much, I'm afraid. Maybe I'll have a better week, but I doubt it. I doubt I'll even get another Hartford interview this week. I'd be shocked. Happily shocked and surprised, but I plan on doing a lot of work to see if in the future weeks I'll get more interviews? Last week I couldn't work on the Hartford much.

Mark and I made love yesterday and it was good. I ought to keep track of how often we make love because I don't know how often we do. It's a subject of contention between us - one I can tell that hurts Mark, and makes me feel so damn guilty all the time about, which just adds to my own guilt about sex in general. I don't know, I'm not even going to try and analyze what I don't understand myself.

That's about it except for work. I just don't know what to do about it but work even harder than I already am.

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