Can't Sleep - Anxiety - Job

Okay - so what if I never get another "packet out" for another doctor this week, or EVER? I'm so anxious about this all of the time that I never let myself go to lunch for fear that I won't get my 100 calls in each day. What do I do? I know that I had zero doctors by this time last week, so maybe it happens in the latter part of the week? I don't know. It seems like I had two on Wednesday, after our meeting. But I doubt I'll have any today. Because I haven't had any at all this week so far. What am I doing wrong? What was I doing before? Is it because I was getting things passed on to me from other people? Maybe I'm a horrible salesperson. I think I just might be, or I'd have more doctors. Maybe I wouldn't have more, but they'd be coming in about now, which they aren't.


Well, after 4 Klonipin and 1 Geoden, I'm feeling much better. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself at work. I can't be this "superstar". I may have no more "packets out" next week, and that's ok, that's to be expected. I'll just make lots and lots of phone calls. I need to figure out my boss's spreadsheets that he was trying to show me. When do I enter them, what do I enter, etc. It was nice that he took a personal interest in me, but I shouldn't get a big head. We're there as a team, and I need to remember that. I'm not there to impress everyone, but there to fill the jobs that the marketers have already sold, otherwise, there would be no jobs for any physician that I recruit. But I'm only getting ready to start on my second week solo on the phones, so I think some learning curve is expected. I think I just got lucky last week, and this week may be my eye-opener. At least I will have physicians to put on my "hot doc" list for Wednesday's Midwest meeting. I think three is a very desirable number. I need to look for jobs for them before Monday, though. I think I'll do that first thing when I get in tomorrow. I'll get in early and check that out. And then just bang out the calls, and do my best to keep track so I can turn in my sheet with something that looks similar to the calls I've taken for the day. I just don't understand what counts as a call, or I don't remember when I've actually made a call. I need to slow down and think more. See how obsessed I am? See how much anxiety I have about my job? It's constantly on my mind. It would be good to have a day to just bang out the calls. Mondays are probably busy for physicians, so I may have that chance.

I think everything is going well with Mark and I. He's pretty quiet and doesn't say a lot what is on his mind about our relationship, so I assume quiet means everything is okay. I would be so unhappy and lost without him. He's my rock. He's everything to me. I do love him more than anything. He's my whole family. Him and Cody. Without them, I wouldn't have a family at all! I know I could make friends and get out of the house more, but I've been in this situation for about 9 years or so, and this is comfortable for me, and it's home, no matter where Mark and I are. We've been through so much together that I can't imagine being without him. I suppose I can if I really tried, but I don't like to.

Tonight on "Intervention", they are going to show bipolars and schizophrenics that need intervention. Obviously, they must be out of control otherwise they wouldn't need an intervention. I'll be curious as to how they portray the bipolar. I'm sure whacked out and completely not like me at all. I'm really not like the normal bipolar, but maybe all bipolars say that. I definitely take enough meds for a real bipolar, but I have this issue diagnosed as general anxiety disorder. That's when I "what if" myself to death. The Klonipin and Geoden have kicked in, so I'm better, but I still feel it in the pit of my stomach.

What else...the show starts in about 34 minutes, and I'm looking forward to it, even though Six Feet Under is on at the same time - my favorite show. I'll have to watch Six Feet Under sometime this week. I hope I keep thinking that everyone at work is nice. I need to remember how it felt to be new and go out of my way to be nice to the new people even though they know that I'm new, too. Just to have an ally, even though there are FOUR of them, is helpful. There are two MW people - one recruiter and one scheduler, so I'll need to make friends with both - especially the scheduler.

Next week is one of my co-workers parties that I feel obliged to go to. I need to make sure he knows that I want to work as a team. Inviting someone to your home is incredibly personal, and not showing up can be hurtful to that person. So I'm going with Mark. It was nice of Mark to say he'd go. Wonder how my post will read about the party. I hope good. I know that I won't remember everyone's name. I need to ask my trainer if she is bringing her boyfriend, and tell the other trainer that I'll just give her $10 instead of bringing chips.

Well, that's it for me except I don't really know what I did this week. I saw Wedding Crashers - IN THE FIRST FRIGGIN ROW, but it was cute. I went to the bookstore and bought a book my trainer recommended. Other than that, not diddly squat. I'm sitting here with wet hair because I just took a shower. At 7pm on a Sunday. We'll see what bipolars do on that show - when they shower if they shower. (haha)


First REAL week of work

Well, after my two weeks of training, last week was my first "real" week of work. Everyone says I'm doing so well - that getting "packets out" - packets are credentialing information that physicians have to complete to be approved for medical malpractice insurance - in my first week is really good. My trainer said she doesn't really know what to do with me because I'm still supposed to be listening to my tapes and trying to get past receptionists, etc., not actually sending packets out yet. But it's fun. I got a little bit of "social anxiety" after talking with the receptionists of dermatologists in WI. They were so nosy and mean! Apparently, there was some kind of conference going on, and the doctors were all there last week, so maybe they just didn't want to take a message for their doctor who wasn't going to be back until next week. I think it's cool that in our next Midwest meeting, I will actually have "hot doctors" on my list for the Marketers/Schedulers to see. I'll have at least 3. I also went to an after hours party for a girl who got promoted to "Senior", the level after the one I'm at - "Consultant". Everyone was pretty nice. My boss came and showed me all of these reports that I just don't quite understand or grasp yet. I think he wants me to track my packets out starting last week, but I'm not really sure when to update the list or how to do it. I'll have to ask my trainer. And how to do the daily log exactly. If it should be printed out, put on her and my boss' desk, or what. I think my trainer IS my boss, and the person I'm calling my boss is my boss's boss. If I'm that much older than everyone and everyone thinks so, they don't act that way and don't treat me that way. And anyways, people just started - 4 more after me, so I'm already not the newest person there. I've found that so far, I've had the most success with asking the receptionist if I can leave a message for the doctor, instead of asking for the doctor themselves first. Then I tell them I am calling about a professional recommendation, and doctors are actually calling me back. I was starting to send out a lot of information to doctors and not "closing the deal". I was telling my trainer about it, and she worked with me, telling me she hardly ever sent out information, and instead tried to get their availability and send them out packets, even if they said they couldn't work in a year. So I can do that. I'm actually very proud of myself and my success in week 1. What if I start really sucking? What if people start being mean to me outside of Wisconsin, and doctors just call me back because they are polite in WI? I guess I'll find out. I want to be the best at what I do. And when I have competition, because I will, someone will come along and pick it up better and faster than me, I hope I can accept it and be happy for them. I may just have had a fluke of a week, but it makes me want to go back to work and work REALLY hard. I want to start making some commission money. And I want the house to be clean, I wish I had taken a shower, I wish I was so much thinner, I wish I had more friends at work, I wish Mark and I were closer, I wish so much. I guess "I wish" is better than "What if". Maybe it's the same, just said differently. I'm so anxious about work. When I'm not at work, that's all I think about. But Mark had the perfect advice. When I get off the phone from a bad call, just think that the next one is a clean slate, that they don't know who I am, and that the person is a fresh and brand new person to talk to with a new chance. That was the best advice I had for last week. Like I said, those derm recp. really got the better of me. I suppose I should shower now. I'll write more later.

Just Blogging Along

Thought I'd post something when my head isn't wrapped around something so tightly that it can't breathe unless I get it all out somehow.

Our previous landlord, before we bought our house, has decided to sue us for just under $5000.00. Plus court costs and attorney fees, for ripped carpets and holes in swing doors. Now the house was only 1645 sf (I looked it up on the internet - the sf) and I don't see how, if the carpet even WAS ripped, which it couldn't have been - how do you even rip up carpet??? it would have cost anywhere near $5000 to replace, including some swing doors, whatever those are. When we gave him our deposit and first month's rent for the house, we left after him and saw the bumper stickers on his car. One said "Rush was right", and I had a bad feeling about our decision then. I know it's horrible to prejudge, but a Republican just "out there" like that - a capitalist who is THAT fanatical, we are. This is what we get for trusting a person like that. I guess I'm making this political? All of a sudden, just writing this out, I think I have. Mark is going to talk to an attorney tomorrow and I bet they'll want a retainer of $1000 or $1500 or even $2000. (I think it might be high because I found the law firm myself and tried to find the best law firm I could - they're trial attorneys). I'd like to countersue. For one thing, I was always very sick in that house. I had five tumors/cysts removed from my uterus, sinus surgery, and now Cody has these infections that could have dated back to that house. I think it had black mold. I had these horrible migraine headaches that I just don't have anymore. They're gone. All gone. I do get sinus headaches every few months, but I use a steamer with eucalyptus oil in it and the headache is gone by the next day (I do it at night and go to bed). How could those headaches have just vanished? Unless it was working for (a big 5 consulting firm), I don't know. But working for (that company) doesn't make you have surgeries. Except for lobotomies.

Work is okay, I think. I worry that I'll never be a recruiter, period. I'll never have a doctor, I'll never send a packet out. The next recruiter will start after me and send packets out left and right and I still won't have a single packet out. Just calling and leaving messages over and over and over. I do worry about that a LOT. I want to be successful, and I'm willing to wait to be successful, I just worry that others will be successful while I'm waiting the normal time to be successful. I hope it's just a numbers game and I hope I find my "niche" - what will get me in with the receptionists, etc. I hope I can be creative enough to do that.

I lost a few pounds. I weighed this morning and was at 150.5. I don't know where I started at when I started this blog. I actually thought I had gained weight and would be at about 155 or 156, and was really happy about 150.5. I hate that no one looks at me like I'm pretty. I know what it's like to be looked at when you're pretty, and I don't get those looks. I wonder if I lost weight, if I'm now too old to be looked at like I'm pretty. Probably. I hope I get the chance to at least see.

I'm sure there's more to write about. The house is always a mess, I cut my bangs too short and I'm embarrassed by looking like I'm out of the 80's, my skirts always seem a tad too short and ride above my knees when I sit down at work, but that's about it.

Oh! Cody is so much better!!! He is supposed to go to the vet on Monday, but we can't afford the $350 for the medicine and sonogram, so Mark is going to go and get more antibiotics until we can get him the sonogram. But he's eating a lot, drinking a lot, more playful - maybe more than he's been in a long time. He actually was chewing on a real bone last night, not his Grandpaws! I was happy. I AM happy for Cody and for us. I love Cody so much. But if you've been reading my blog, you already know that.

2nd Day of Training

So today was my second day of training on my new job. And I was all psyched up about it and everything. And this girl - she's not even that cute, but used to be a flight attendant for many years, said, at lunch, that she had noticed (or had we all noticed) that everyone was pretty young at this company. I said yes, probably because the building was just 3 years old. She said no, she thought it was because people used it as a springboard to other opportunities, and that is what she was planning on doing. She said she was going to work in medical sales for a few months, and then get a job in pharmaceutical sales. She asked another girl why she didn't do that with her medical sales background, and she said she had tried to get a job like that, but she guessed she wasn't what they were looking for because she never got the job, I guess. Then she said I think you have to be tall and thin and the other girl said YES! It is - you do! You have to be stacked too! Just like that. So basically, she's saying she is all of these things to be a pharmaceutical sales person, and this other girl isn't. What a witch. How into yourself can you really be? She said she had a friend who was one, and she wasn't very smart, but bought herself a "new set and a new butt" with the money and she was almost 40. I'm 36! Almost 37! I didn't dare say that though. She said she was getting ready to turn 29, and I thought she was already in her 30's. I really don't think she's all that cute. But anyway, who am I to say? I am SO FAT that I can't believe it. I saw myself in the windows at work today and couldn't believe what a blown up fish stuffed in clothes I looked like. I have to lose weight, but how? I'm getting desperate, but then I just ate a salad at lunch, and I don't eat lunch! I'll join the gym when I start working as a Recruiter. And then I don't even know how important my job is. Maybe it's a job that people look down on, because the teacher likes to talk about the Sales Reps ALL THE FRIGGIN time. But we do have a lot of sales reps in our class. But still. I guess sales always is most important, right? It sucks. The house is such a disaster and a mess. Eileen from work kept saying my name during her presentation at work - she was SO NICE. It made me feel really good. She recognized me in the bathroom too. I really like her. I bet in future posts she'll probably be the one I end up hating. I hope I never hate anyone at work. I hope no one ever hates me. I just hope I LIKE work. Right now I don't. It's boring. And I'm nervous about meeting the team. And I HOPE LIKE HELL I don't have to sit in the aisle. I walked upstairs today to see if there were any desks in the aisle where surgery is supposed to be (somewhere upstairs) and I saw two desks in the aisle. I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but there WERE supposed to be two recruiters added to surgery, and I saw two desks in the aisle with no one sitting at them on the second floor. PLEASE GOD LET ME HAVE MY OWN CUBICLE!!!! And let me like my job, and be successful at it. And help Mark with his job and his job search - help us both see what you really want for our lives and give us the desire to do it. Amen.


Oh yes, and watch over little Cody. He's been throwing up a lot the past few days. Double Amen this time. :-)
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