Sunday, August 28, 2005

Not Much To Say

I toldl my doctor about my anxiety, and he suggested I take Geoden in the morning. I tried that on Friday, and almost fell asleep at my desk on Friday morning. I can't take it in the morning. I think I'll use it as an "emergency" medication. But I don't think I feel as anxious anymore. I'm eating again (which isn't good) - I'm actually hungry, and my stomach isn't all tied in knots. I think that day after day with no relief from the anxiety just makes it worse and worse until I can't take it. Perhaps taking Geoden in the afternoon when I already feel anxious won't make me sleepy at work and will just take the anxiety away instead. I haven't needed it this weekend yet. And it's Sunday at 6pm.

I've also eaten like a cow this weekend, but maybe I do every weekend? Let's see...I ate meatloaf, mac and cheese and broccoli Friday night (I think I ended up giving Cody some of it), then some chicken strips, cole slaw, and mashed potatoes with gravy, and some "Everything But the..." ice cream yesterday, then an egg mcmuffin and one chicken strip, the rest of the cole slaw, the rest of the mashed potatoes and gravy, and half of a protein bar today. See what I mean? I've eaten like a cow. And it's what I've eaten. Horrible. I feel like my stomach is huge - I mean much bigger than normal. And I was below 150 finally. I couldn't bring myself to weight myself since I had lunch at least once last week. Maybe twice?

It's good to get out of the office, though. I need to convince myself that, for work, I will find more doctors. I keep thinking I'll never find another one, but then I remembered today, that I found several doctors last week who didn't meet our malpractice guidelines. I would have had a few more doctors if it weren't for that. So maybe I'm not doing as bad as I think I am - maybe I didn't have as bad of a week as I thought I did. I need to convince myself of that. Over and over I need to tell myself that. And I need to shut up about the location - when they say "where?" I need to say "where are you willing to go?". Or something like that, maybe? Instead of saying...maybe I already do. I push the licensing department to hard. When I know it's not such a reality. I put unrealistic expectations in their heads. Well, not really - not if they take significant assignments.

I cleaned the kitchen today. It feels good to have a clean kitchen, except I didn't sweep and mop the floor. The house is a total mess, but at least the kitchen is mostly clean. Maybe I can work on another room in the house on another day.

Tomorrow there is supposed to be a hurricane in New Orleans. I wonder if it will really be as bad as it is supposed to be. Somehow I don't think it will be. But I could be wrong. We'll see tomorrow.

Thanks.
Sunday, August 14, 2005

What Was I Thinking

I'm such a dork sometimes. Why would I think of Dan? I chatted through MSN Messenger with him, and he mentioned that he used to go to Shoney's for breakfast and then bowling everyday after work. I never knew that. I was practically a prisoner in the house. What a total jerk he is. I don't know why that disgusts me so much. It really does make me mad, though. How he was doing these things, having a gay-ole time, and I was stuck in this prison hell. He really had his way - what an asshole. And why would he keep it a secret? Just who was he with every day, bowling and having breakfast with? That's probably the better question. What a jerk. All of this was happening right under my nose, and I think I knew it, but didn't have proof. How can you go rewind time and change things? There are so many things I wouldn't do. I would never have gotten involved with him. Or Steve M. Or Marc. But these are all in hindsight. I probably would have gotten involved with other people in the same time period that I would be naming right now. I'm so glad that I'm in a relationship that I can trust someone. I totally trust Mark. I didn't for awhile. I wonder how in the world he can be with me and love me - I feel unlovable and unlivable-with. He doesn't act like I am, but I believe and feel like I am. Why should he love me? Sometimes, and I know it's my low self esteem, but I wonder why does he think so little of himself that he is comfortable being with me and doesn't want to be with someone better? He surely deserves someone better. But if I think and really truly believe that, I'll sabotage this relationship and I don't want it to end - ever. The only person that I've ever truly trusted can't leave me, I would be devastated. I don't know that I would ever recover. But I don't know that it's not something that I don't deserve. Blah. What's all this talk about men - I have this new job that is totally freaking me out. I feel like I'll never get another doctor again who wants to do LT, and then what do I do? I don't think that Dr. Liv. will ever answer my call or call me about going to Houston, and Michelle did all this work based on him going to Houston. He said he would, so what am I supposed to do? Just someone's word? I hope Dr. H. goes on that job, and I hope Dr. V. gets a job. I guess I have several jobs going, it's just that they could all fall through, and I'd have none. Oh well.
Saturday, August 13, 2005

Sometimes I Wonder...

...about Dan, by ex-boyfriend. He treated me pretty badly, but because there was always so much turmoil in our relationship, there was always a lot of passion. I know that I could see him whenever I wanted - he lives in Oklahoma, and I live in a southern state, but he's made it very clear, even though he's now married with a child. Mark came downstairs. This is a conversation better left without him sitting next to me.

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KansasSunflower
A bipolar girl trying to make sense of the world. Bipolar doesn't mean who I am, it just happens to be what I am, and does it really affect my day to day life? I'm trying to figure that out.
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