Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Eventful Day

This was an eventful day. First, my physician that was displaced from Louisiana that I had worked SO HARD to get his credentialing information got placed today! It should have made me really happy, but I think it just took so long that the happiness kind of slipped by a little at a time. I am happy, though, and it's an extra $170/month for about a year. So I guess I made $2000 today at work, besides my salary. Work is okay, I just always feel so anxious about it. And I have this "two on one" meeting with the two Regional VP's in November that I'm nervous about. I know they will mention me being gone sometimes, and maybe my lack of 100 calls per day? We'll see. I really don't want to do it, though. M. said he got the promotion he wanted at work, but I don't know what that is yet. He's at work still (it's 9:30p) because the power went out when he was leaving so he went back in and re-set servers and stuff, I don't know. And I talked to my ex-b ML, but I'm not sure I have much to say to him. I don't really know him anymore. He broke my heart, and I don't even know why, yet I don't ask him. He always seems so happy to see me online, yet what really happened between us? Oh my gosh I had the biggest crush on him. Ok, I probably fell in love with him. But did I? Did I even know who he was? Can you fall in love with someone when they don't share themselves with you? I mean, who they are really? I loved WHAT he was - he was so much fun, and so cute, not just looking, but acting - just adorable. He was really moody though. I think he gets depressed a lot. I guess I'll never know what happened. Maybe he found out I was married, that's what I think. That's when he started acting weird and treating me pretty crappy. He really broke my heart. Now that I think about it, why do I even give him the time of day. I'm stupid. Still that girl who just wants attention from him. But now just in a platonic way. I don't go out of my way to talk to him, he just happens to be on Yahoo Messenger, and happened to be on tonight when I was answering his little bleep to me from earlier. It's really day to day stupid stuff. It's almost like I wish I could have that feeling again, be in that time again, when it was so exciting and I was happy just being with him. Well, I say that, but there was one weekend where he didn't want to go out - he may not have been able to afford it, and I pouted all Saturday night. I was into partying then. He listened to Time-Life CD's, which now would make me happy, but back then I thought how boring, why don't we go DO something, go somewhere? I loved going places with him - he made everything fun. I just loved being with him. But that's what happens when you only date someone for the summer. Well, until October. From the spring until October, I think. Of 1842. No, let me see. It would have been...1993 or 1994. I saw him on his webcam, and he had just taken a shower and I thought his hair was short, but he had it combed back. His hair is one of his best qualities. He keeps it cut above his shoulders, about all one length. Normally I would say gross - cut that hair and keep it out of your face. But not his. It's like this beautiful sexy thing, kind of wavy, but not curly or nasty, just enough to give it some body. And brown, but this deep, rich brown. Gosh, it sounds like I'm in love with him all over again. He's so small that when I was 125, we could wear each others shorts. He would hop out of bed, or I would hop out, and we would grab a pair of shorts on the floor, and figure out a minute or two later that one of us would have the other person's shorts on. He's that small. But still well-defined. I'm not even talking about his personality, am I. He was the meanest boyfriend at the end that I've ever had. I mean MEAN. He never broke up with me, he just kept getting meaner and meaner. He would even let other people listen to him be mean to me while he was on the phone with me and laugh about it. I know he was pissed when I moved to Fort Worth instead of closer to him, but maybe not. Maybe he just found out I was married. Maybe he just didn't like me anymore. Maybe...who knows? See? Mark is talking, blah blah, I'll end it now.
Monday, September 26, 2005

I Hope No One Knows This Is Me...

I hope no one knows this is me. I overheard a coworker talk about how he found his pastor's blog and it talked about picking up women and everything. What if a coworker found this blog? That would be the ultimate nightmare. I might have to quit! I don't think I've ever said my name on here? I'll have to go back and re-read all of my posts now.

The wedding was fine. I've never seen my friend (I can't say her name now) look as happy as she did ever. She is truly in love and happy. She was completely in the moment. My dress was ok - I ended up getting it altered because it was too long and the top part was too big, and I had actually lost almost 10 pounds from the time I ordered it. The last time I weighed which was before my friend's wedding, I weighed 144.5. I'll have to go re-read my blog and see where I started before I started losing weight. If that's true, then I only have 15 - 20 more pounds to go! Wow. 15 more pounds to go. That sounds so simple. Really though, 20 is more like it, but I'd be happy with 15. If I weighed 129.5, I'd be so happy. I say I would be, but in all honesty, I'd just think about how much more I needed to lose. Anyways, back to the wedding. I don't know how I'd fit into that dress if I still weighed 150-153. I barely fit into it as it was. It was pretty snug. My friend looked very pretty. I think I'd be very happy if my wedding turned out to be like hers. Very simple, elegant, nothing went off badly. Nothing was tacky. Maybe the Star Wars music, but that was about it. And the DJ at the end which made us leave, but he was good until the end. I would love to get my hands on those bridal pictures of the bridal party. I wonder how I looked? Fat with flat hair, although I really liked how my hair and makeup turned out, even if I did have to get up at 5:30am to get it done. My hairdresser is so interesting! She had a fight with her husband the night before, and boy was she pissed. I hope they don't break up because she was so in love with him when I first met her. I don't want them to split up. I want her to be happy because she reminds me so much of myself. I have a hair appointment with her this Friday after work to get my hair cut - thank God!

This guy at work is really making me scratch my head. He asks me all kinds of weird questions, like what is my middle name, what year was I born, was I ever a vegetarian, how do you spell my name and then why is my name spelled the way it is? Today he said he asks probing questions because it's a sales technique. Is it? And if so, does he do it to everyone, because if he does, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I've told him it does. Sometimes I don't answer his questions and turn the question around on him instead. Why does he have to know so much about me? I don't like it. He kind of reminds me of the guy where I used to work - the player. But maybe he's like this to everyone. I can't figure him out, which is driving me crazy. I think he's right - he's trying to sell himself so I'll want to place my people with him - in the gov't instead of private. I think my pending physician, I'll try to put into private if he doesn't hear anything from the gov't tomorrow.

I hope I'm doing okay at work. I know I"m not doing so well at home. The house is a total disaster. My neighbor probably hates me for not answering the door when I told her I would. I'm starting to get tired, and still have to check my posts.....
Sunday, September 11, 2005

This Weekend

I don't think I'm doing very well at work. I'm not getting any jobs. I only got the one and it was because of Keith - he got it for me. And now I'm scared to call and ask my doctors to go to work for me, and other doctors that I don't have jobs are calling me asking me for work. When will the two ever come together perfectly? Never? I tried posting on all sorts of free boards today, I hope I don't get in trouble at work. I used my direct line, though, and that could be trouble. I can tell if someone is calling my direct line because I can see the number they are calling instead of the receptionist's name.

I have this wedding "gig" to do that I just don't want to do. Next week is the bachelorette party, and I have nothing to wear. I don't have my dress altered, I ordered a form fitting undergarment, but had to order it too small and now it probably won't fit. I haven't started tanning, and the wedding is in 2 weeks. I'm getting my hair done, hopefully, next week. I should get Kellie a wedding gift. I just don't want to do this. The dress looks dreadful on me, even Mark says it does. So what do I do? March in front of all of those people and look terrible? I can't believe that's what I'm supposed to do. It's a size friggin' 14 and it's too small, and I wear a 10. I guess I should have gotten a 16? Who would have known. I hope I don't blow this off for Kellie's sake.

The house is a mess, I just don't have confidence in myself as a recruiter, and have no idea how I'll find good doctors. It seems to me like all the them have already been taken by other recruiters. I spent a few hours sending emails this weekend, and you just watch - I won't get a single email back from anyone at all. All those hours, and nothing. At least it's worth a try. I'm doing what I can. Maybe the calls really are the best thing I can do. And I should just concentrate on those. Maybe that's when I did my best? When I made a ton of calls? I'll try that this week - making at least 125 calls - day. No matter what.

I feel anxious. Maybe it was the Starbucks coffee.

And Bush is just the worst president ever. I don't "buy" the fact that he's had this incredible bad streak of luck since he's been president. I think he's created it- all of it. Yes, even 9/11. Who knows what went on behind the scenes, and there was information that it was going to happen beforehand. Just like the aid in New Orleans - what took 4 days for help to arrive? How could New Orleans not be accessible for 4 days? It's one of the most accessible cities in the world - 4 days did not make the water recede enough for them to get help. And then there's the war. No WMD, yet here we are, still at war, after years of "mission accomplished" announced in bold, bright letters. People jailed without knowing what their crimes are and not given a date where they can go before the court - just being kept captive, and for what, they have no idea. All of the American lives lost over NO WMD, and all of the Iraqi citizens lives lost. And for WHAT? Because we were wrong about Iraq having WMD. We were WRONG. Yet here we are. And Iraq doesn't seem very happy with our "excuse" for the war - freeing them. How can military occupation seem free? I so long for the Clinton years. Things were much better then. Things were under control, civil liberties were moving forward, not backwards. Gas prices were steady, not doubled. There was no war like Vietnam. No 9/11. No Hurricane Katrina that left people without aid for 4 days. And if there had been a Hurricane Katrina, there would have been aid immediately. I think anyone knows that in their heart, whether they like Clinton or not. He was all about the people - ALL of the people. Bush is not about the people. He never has been. He's about "his kind of people", and screw the rest. Well, I say screw him. But I always have said that.

And for that, I say I'm thankful for my family - for Mark and my dog, because I know that they are here for me, and I for them. Good values still exist about helping each other. I just wish Bush believed he was the true "father" of the country and took care of those he led. I don't mean welfare, etc., I mean helping those in need, like the victims of Hurricane Katrina. He basically did an "F You" to them.
Monday, September 05, 2005

So I Was Wrong

Okay, so I was wrong about the hurricane. Well, not really. I was right in that New Orleans did not receive the full blunt of it, and instead, it veered away from New Orleans. I never could have imagined what actually happened after the hurricane. I just can't stop thinking about it, and can't get enough information about it from the internet, or stop looking at pictures of the victims and the ruins. On Friday, I tried to work with a Urologist from New Orleans who wanted a job, but didn't have any of his documentation to get a job. Then he gave me a reference from another Urologist in Florida, and I found that he was on vacation from New Orleans, and wanted a job too, as well as losing all of his documentation. Urologists are hard to find that will do temporary jobs. And here I have two ready to work, and I don't know how to get them jobs. I will work on it really hard tomorrow. But I can't keep all of my eggs in one basket.

Bush infuriates me. I think he honestly went to New Orleans and was moved by what he saw and felt horrible and responsible as the caretaker of the country. But 5 days to get relief for the people of Louisiana? Yes, I do blame Bush. I don't think it's a "race thing". I think it's a "priority thing". I'm sure in his state, I know without a shadow of a doubt had that occurred it NEVER would have taken 5 days to get aid. Not where Bush grew up, his family lives, his children grew up, and he was governor. It just wouldn't have happened. When I compare the two, it is crystal clear to me that there was a delay that didn't need to happen. Why has all of these horrible things happened since Bush has been president? 9-11? Hurricane Katrina? The Iraq War which is the most ridiculous war in the entire world because it was on false pretenses of WMD which we never found. But everyone seems to forget why we really went to war, and why we just couldn't wait one second longer - because Iraq posed this incredible threat to us. Yeah, right. Now our National Guardsmen were in Iraq when we needed them in Louisiana - what were they doing in Iraq?? I thought they were supposed to be here in America for things like what just happened - the Hurricane?

People always defend Bush by bringing up things that Democrats have done in the past that they think is worst than what Bush has done. Who cares? It doesn't take away from what the truth is today - here and now. I could do the same with past Republicans. What Bush is doing and has done today has nothing to do with anything that a Democrat or Republican has done in the past and shouldn't be compared. When I talk about Bush, I'm talking about Bush, and not trying to compare him to anyone. How can you compare him to anyone when situations are completely different? I never even say "at least Clinton..." or something like that. It's always brought up to me that some Democrat was worse somehow. That doesn't take away what a president, the worst in my entire lifetime, has done and how he has led this country. And no, I don't remember Jimmy Carter, but yes, I think Bush is worse. And I think history will not look favorable upon him.

So today is Labor Day, and it came so fast. I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow. It's as if I want to go back to work when I'm not working, and I want to be home when I'm at work. I think it's just because I hate to get up in the mornings and I don't like making cold calls. And when I actually get a doctor on the phone, I panic. That's the whole idea - to get a doctor on the phone. But I still panic. And then there's the whole uncomfortable feeling when I have to tell a doctor that they don't qualify for our malpractice insurance because of whatever reason and just shatter their dreams and their confidence in themselves as a doctor. How crappy is that?

I need to start getting to work early so I can check the website for new doctors before the other two team members do. I had no idea there were only three of us doing "ologies" in the midwest.
Not very many - I thought there were so many more. That makes me feel more confident.

Guess that's it, except I am so fat now. I can feel myself getting fatter and fatter. What do I do??? And if I were in the flooding of New Orleans, and Mark, Cody and I were on our roof waiting to be rescued and they wouldn't let me take Cody, I don't think I could leave without him. How can I just leave my dog? I don't think I could.

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