Caught at Work

Dear Diary (haha),

Well, I was caught at work today. Yesterday was my "late day", so I came home, took my medicine, and went to bed about 10:30, way too late apparently for me. I woke up and I thought it was 6:00 until I really looked at my watch and realized it was 7:00. I rushed, made it out the door and pulled into the parking lot at 7:58. Good thing too, because K. and T. were walking down the hall when I was walking in. But then I realized that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I could hardly talk on the phone. And then I realized I had done it again - my medicine. I must have taken it too late, but now I realize it's not just when I take my medicine, it's when I actually go to bed as well. I have to be in bed by about 9:30 to be up when I have to be. So ridiculous. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday. I got home late, and left to get two candy bars and ate them. I was just out of my mind and didn't go to bed. I wasn't using good judgement because the meds kicked in I guess. I was afraid of this with Mark gone. I guess my schedule is out of whack because he's gone. I have no idea how I drove to work and how I drove home. It was one of those times, driving home, that I had to slap myself in the face a few times, and I even ran into one of those orange barrels on the side of the road. I just hit the side of one, but still. I was THAT drunk. Now I missed ANOTHER day at work. Now I'll never place another doctor. Now they think I miss that much more work. And the house is a mess, and I still feel tired, and everything has gone to pot. Why did that happen to me today at work? I don't understand. But I can't let myself get down about something I can't help. I didn't intentionally do that. And I tried to make myself work, and called Mark, and he said I should come home, not to stay at work like that. Maybe I should have stayed at work like that and just given it time to work its' way through. I woke up around 2, so around 12 I would have been fine. I don't know what to do if/when if happens again. I guess I'll just keep a log of it - how often it happens.

Mark Is Gone

Mark is gone on a business trip, and Cody stopped eating and just laid in the grass and in his bed outside in the cold all day. Today was the first day it got cold this season. The high was probably about 55 degrees. I didn't take Mark to the airport because I was just too tired, didn't want to drive the car back alone, and what was I going to do, just drop him off and not wait with him for the plane anyway? So he drove himself, and Cody flipped out and I almost took him to the emergency vet thinking he was sick again. He wouldn't eat the chicken I gave him. And he's been drinking a TON of water lately. I don't know why. It really is strange without Mark here, and it's strange being so cold. Cody acting the way he is is keeping my mind off of it though. I guess tomorrow I'll wear a sweater to work. I'll have to pick out what I'm going to wear tomorrow. And work - I still haven't placed anyone but 2 doctors. And I've been recruiting for 90 days now. I should ask for a 90 day review, shouldn't I? And J., a recruiter, is a male chauvenist pig. He hates that he is an equal or even a subordinate to women, I can just tell. I talk to D. all the time, but I have to be careful about what I say, because he tells everyone what everybody says. M. reminds me of Chuy - kind of the player guy type, but I like him most of the time. I probably drive him crazy with all of my questions and pushing doctors on him, but he does try to help the newer recruiters. I still can't believe I've only placed two doctors, but who knows, I could place one or two this week, right? I think my second doctor will start sometime this week, after Hurricane Wilma finishes whatever it is going to do in Florida. And a referral of that doctor called M., not me, about a job. But it's weird, because he and his "partners" want to work the job. I doubt he'll take it, but you never know. It was nice of M. to even tell me about it. I should apologize tomorrow for calling him - I didn't know that he had called M. back when I called and left the doctor a message. I suppose I have all of these docs up in the air, don't I? I should make a list so I don't forget. One doctor called me and said I was supposed to send him a list of the jobs in CA and TX and I didn't. I just barely recalled that conversation. I probably thought he was brushing me off - and he was one of the hardest doctors to find! I'm finding that calling all of those U. is starting to pay off, but not calling the D's. That is totally not paying off. I'm really into my job, but...I don't know how well I'm doing. I don't know what to judge it against. I don't want to judge it against the people that started with me. I can't say that I'm doing better or worse than either one of them. I don't want to say better, because if I'm not humble and get to thinking that I'm better, then I'll lose any edge I may or may not have, does that make sense? I don't want to lose that hunger, that scared feeling that I don't "have it". I don't want to get lazy. I should really be posting jobs right now, come to think of it. I'm so not tired, and it's 9:30, what am I going to do? I have so much anxiety!

I Ha te My Job

Did I ever even talk about the wedding? I don't think I ever did. Right now I just hate my life and my job. I got a verbal warning about being out of the office, so now I can't be late or out of the office for 90 days. Doesn't that suck? And I can't book any jobs because two Recruiters have all the doctors in the world and the Schedulers use their doctors for everything. And now the Recruiters are having to do this stupid immature "Board Meeting" thing where we have to stand up one by one and write down how many packets we sent out to doctors, how many we got in, how many we sent for pending jobs, how we rate our day, it's just so beneath us. Everyone stands there like they're taking a butt kicking. The Recruiters are not friends. They don't talk to each other like they are. And I guess we're not - we're all competing against each other. Even D. and I are competing because we're both staffing the same doctors. I'm wondering what I got myself into - the "Board Meeting" is really stupid and de-motivating. I started to cry on the way home when I was talking to Mark. I won't meet my goals but it's because other Recruiters have all of the doctors already. If T. already has 1000 doctors, where in the heck am I supposed to find some? I guess people decide every day to do LT, don't they. But I don't know how to find them. Maybe I just wait around for people to quit and then snag their doctors? Maybe it's just my whole life I hate. The messy, dirty, skanky house that I can't stand. Mark's job going so well while I'm in preschool at work. At least HE has a good job, what would I ever do if he didn't? But I hate relying on someone at the same time. It's a horrible feeling thinking that maybe you're not self-sufficient, and then on top of that, you hate your job, and what have you got? I think the verbal warning is what got me started, and now comparing me against everyone every day really sucks when I was doing so well for awhile there. Why weren't we comparing each other to each other then?? It sucks. I remember thinking this before though...I'll never get another doctor again ever. And then I don't know what I did or what happened to pull me out of that. Dr. L. was just a referral, I think, and then I had to do all of that work to get him that job. And then JH was luck from a Scheduler - he actually took the time to ask me about my doctors. But all of the jobs I've tried to get - just get - have fallen through and I don't know why. Three in one day. And none ever come back up. Which reminds me - I have a doctor to call tomorrow that I should have called today. I think just writing about it makes me feel a little better. Maybe writing about how much my job sucks every single day for the rest of my life will make me feel better. Because it does suck, and it probably will every day for the rest of my life unless I book a job. I probably will one day, and then THAT day I'll be happy, then it will go back to sucking again.
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