Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thanksgiving

Mark and I spent today together - we bought our Thanksgiving meal from the grocery store, and it was actually pretty good. I had breakfast and ate 2 protein bars, so by the time I had Thanksgiving dinner, I sat down, took a few bites, and couldn't eat any more. Maybe that's a good thing. Actually, I know it is.

I wrote my Dad an email and started writing about Papa and started crying. It's still not in the past. I'll be glad when I get my trust fund! I'm excited about it, although I don't tell anyone. I don't know how I'll feel about the money when I get it. I'm afraid I'll spend it all, when what I should do is invest it all. It's not my money, really. He chose my mother over me, I need to remember that, and that I was only a teenager. I was 19 at the time. And then I moved to a large city, and really, what would I have done or said? I worried about him being lonely. I don't know. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Yesterday I was worried that I was getting hypomanic. I felt so up and so anxious at the same time. I actually felt like drinking a glass of wine or something to chill me out a little bit. So I took a Geoden and 2 Klonipin. I think eventually it made me feel better, although in my mind I think I thought it wouldn't have made me feel better like a glass of wine would have. Isn't that weird for me to crave alcohol? Maybe it's my thinking of Dr. Rumsey being an alcoholic, or reading that bipolars are often self-medicating. Or maybe reading that bipolars often use that to chill out or bring themselves down made me think that it would work so I wanted to do that instead since it seemed like it would work better. Being up is definitely better than being down, but I end up doing things I regret later. Like sending weird emails and things I can't take back later. My actions are weird. But it's like I think about them and think about them until I do them. I reason it out in my mind and think that I think it through and it makes sense at the time, although it does seem a bit strange at the time. I hope that's not what is happening to me. I am sending out a lot of packets at work. Maybe too many. I'll probably never get any of them back. I've sent out over 20 this month, and maybe I shouldn't have. I'll be chasing down those packets forever, I just know it. But if I have a larger pool to draw from, isn't that better? What if I never place anyone again? What if I don't place the opthamologist? And I have no more placements? No packet ins? What if? And I'm just a total loser? I don't know what I should be doing. No one has really taught me how to find out how to place people. I'm just going on what I think I should be doing. Maybe it's like my trainer said - just ask everyone for each job, and see what they say. You never know.

Other than that, I'm watching the Cowboy vs. the Bronco game. My dad is watching, I know - he wants the Broncos to win, so of course I'm watching to make sure they don't and the Cowboys win.

I'm really anxious about my job. It's not so much that I want to be an overachiever. Don't get me wrong - that would be really nice. I just don't want to be an UNDERachiever. An achiever would be great. Being on the right track would be great. Meeting my goals would be heaven. But I can't even do that. Oh well.

Thanks, I don't know what else to say, except I hope I'm not hypo. I am listening to music more, though...
Sunday, November 13, 2005

Anxiety Again

I have a lot of anxiety about going to work tomorrow - I think because it's my turn to play my tape in front of everyone. I know it's not a great tape, and I hate to be judged like that by everyone. Maybe my tapes are the worst, maybe I don't do things that everyone else does, maybe the way that I've tried to get packets back is horrible, I know the things that I didn't do and should have done, I'll just sit there and take it. I hope it's the first thing in the morning, but I think it's the last thing of the day. Just writing about it makes me feel better. I think I'm "what if'ing" myself to death, which is part of my panic attacks I think. So what if they think it's horrible, right? I'll learn from it and move on. Except I'll have to do ANOTHER tape within the next few weeks, and what if I don't get another good one? Not that this one is so good, but it's the best one I've had since last time. Work just makes me anxious. I'm always "what if'ing" myself, and I don't know how to get past that. What if I don't get a new doctor for three months. What if I place a doctor, but then he doesn't get approved by QA. What if I never get enough packets in and everyone else always does - what is wrong with me then? Why can't I get packets in? That really is a problem. I'd really rather not be Recruiter of the Month because then I won't have any new doctors for the next 6 months and it will look just horrible. What if the doctor that I said was so available never calls Joe back? And she probably won't, either. That's my horrible luck. I just don't have great luck when it comes to placing doctors. Everyone else has all of these "presentations", and I don't. Dr. W. will never make up his mind, and just string us along forever. I should find another doctor for that job, that's what I should do. And where has T. been? Is she going to stick around? It doesn't seem like she will. Or J. I think he's interviewing for jobs. And D. is so young in his career, I wonder how long he'll stay with his degree. I wonder if I were there for 2 years, would I be successful. Or would I still be so anxious all of the time. Or would I learn to live with it. Or is this just part of my illness.

I've been reading a bipolar book for the past few weeks, and it's taught me a lot about what I should and shouldn't do to take care of myself. Sleep is one very important key to staying healthy. That and keeping daily normal routines/schedules. And of course, remembering to take my medication daily and taking the same amount. I'm sure taking phentermine off and on again doesn't help. But I've made a "mood log", and put phentermine on it to see if it effects me at all. Yesterday, I slept until about 2, now that I think about it, and I didn't take my Adderall until then, either. Maybe that's what is wrong with me? Who knows.

The direction our country is heading is very important to me. I invest a lot of my time staying in touch with politics and current events. I have not agreed that going to war with Iraq was the thing to do before we went to war with Iraq, and now look. We shouldn't have gone at all, and here we are. We did and we were wrong, so now what? Oops, we made a mistake? The Republicans won't get us out of the war because they wanted us in the war, come hell or high water, to begin with. I find it interesting, though, that the Republicans in the Senate are breaking from the Bush administration and distancing themselves. And saying things against the administration. I know they are only saving themselves to be re-elected. So selfish. Just saying what they think people want to hear, and otherwise, when it's not near an election, voting however they want on issues. I say - judge a person by their actions. Some stood strong and tall by the Bush administration, now they are sagging in the polls at the same time they are speaking out against the administration. That's too coincidental. Of course I'm talking about Senator Santorum of Pennsylvania, a once die hard hawkish conservative, loyal Bush member. When the going is good for Bush, he's there, but when the going is bad for Bush is his poll numbers are sagging, he's out of there. I'm surprised a Republican is a Senator in Pennsylvania to begin with. It looks like one won't be for much longer.

I don't know what to think about Cheney lobbying Congress to let the CIA torture prisoners of war. Is that what America stands for? Are we a third world country? Can we really trust information gained by torture anyway?

Has this country gone completely and totally off its' rocker? We have no morals left, yet the Christians have never been so "keyed in" on politics before. How can they support this? I'm a Christian, and what I see doesn't go with my Christian beliefs.

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