Friday, December 23, 2005

Manic?

I wonder if I'm manic. I get up really early in the mornings - at least the past 2 or 3 days I have, around 3:30, 4 or so. Maybe not each morning, but...I don't know. I need less sleep I think. But it could be that I'm taking 30mg of Adderall instead of 20mg. I HAVE to get that refilled today or I'm out until next week, if my dr. is in at all next week.

I've booked several doctors since I last wrote. One was for 3 days, another was a long term Dermatologist, and another was for a long term OB/GYN. On top of that, I was given a long term OB/GYN from someone who quit, and a doctor for January that all we do is paperwork. On top of that, I was given a doctor pending for a government job from someone who quit. Add all that up, and my days filled have gone up dramatically. Of course, after April or so, they will also go down dramatically - to nothing at this point. I started to get excited about becoming a senior, but maybe I'll hover around 60 - 90 days for awhile, like K. is hovering around 90 days. Or at least she has been since I started. I don't see how I can't just springboard from 90 days though. D. is really frustrated and I think is going to quit. He was upset that my OB/GYN was accepted today, and his wasn't presented. I don't know the whole story, only that his doctor was going to be out of town for a week so he wasn't presented. He believes that the Account Managers don't present his physicians. But why wouldn't they present his physicians? That doesn't make any sense. I told him to email doctors yesterday because he was so upset - why am I telling him what to do to be more successful? I stayed late and called/faxed/emailed residency programs. He hasn't even started on it yet. He's probably my only friend, yet...he really frustrates me. No, T. is my friend too, but I'm afraid she'll get me in trouble one of these days going to H.R. and things like that. Not that it shouldn't be done, I'm not saying that. But the longer I work there, the more accepting I become. I wonder if it is because the more accepting of me they are. Probably the best thing I did was to stand up for myself against K. to J. He's told me what a great recruiter I am and how he doesn't want to lose me, which makes me feel really good. I don't know that I'm a great recruiter. I don't know that I'm good at all, I may actually be quite bad at it. I don't understand how someone can be there for at least 3, 4 months longer than I have and be at 25 days filled per month, but who am I to judge? I guess I've had a lot of help from management? Have I? Is that the difference? I need to call the rest of T's doctors and do my follow-ups. But today sure would be the perfect day to call home numbers. I wonder why E. only got 4 packets out this month. I wonder if he's really discouraged. I wonder who the first senior person on the team will be. Terrance? Kelly? I don't think I will be - their numbers for January will blow mine away, I know Kelly for sure.

Sunday is Christmas, and I haven't bought Mark's Christmas present yet. I'm planning on buying him a color television for the bedroom upstairs. I'm planning on just going to Best Buy, picking one out, having them put it in my car, and letting him carry it upstairs for Christmas. I think I should get a Tivo, too, or something. Christmas at our house hasn't been so "merry". It's kind of been "nonexistent".

I weighed myself this morning, and I weigh 139. I've only lost 1.5 pounds since last month. I guess that makes sense. I've been eating like a horse at night without any protein bars, I ate like a cow at On the Border, then ate all of those pints of ice cream. I was really hungry this month. So now I'm out of the 140's. Now it's just getting out of the 130's, and then I'm basically done? Wow. Amazing. From 175 to 139, and then 129, then 125. I wonder if I'll actually reach my goal. There's no reason to think I won't since I keep losing, even if it's just 1.5 pounds a month?

I don't know what else to say except I hope I can get away to get my medicine today and that they're open.
Saturday, December 17, 2005

Out of Control Anxiety

I have so much anxiety that I can't stand it. I don't know what to do with it all. I can't remember last names of people, I'm almost gripped in terror. I just took 2 more Geoden after I've already taken all of my medicine for bedtime awhile ago. What do I do? It's almost midnight. I'm freaking out - I'm panicking. My head feels a little carsick and my stomach has lumps in it while it feels like it's about to leap out of my body. I'm so incredibly anxious that it makes me paranoid. I can actually feel parts of my body do this shiver type action out of anxiety. I took all those meds and I'm not the least bit hungry, either.

I have to get my Derm to work. He just HAS to get approved. If he doesn't, I might start crying on the spot. He called and left me a voicemail on my cell - he sounded SO happy and that he wanted to tell me the "good news" about his conversation with the client - that it went well and lasted about 30 minutes. I'm so happy for him. I really hope that I can help him. He deserves another chance. I know I don't know the whole story, but I've watched a man transform from someone without hope to someone with hope and see how it is affecting him - his whole personality in such a positive way. He REALLY has to get medmal approved. He deserves a second chance. Doesn't everyone? I think about it a lot, actually. I don't really care if I make a lot of money from this doctor, I just want him to be happy and successful. Get a good lifestyle going again, get married again, have a home for his children, I mean, he's been giving up his time for free when he was probably used to making a million/year. For years now. I think whatever happened he's learned his lesson. Give the poor guy a break. He couldn't possibly have done something so bad that his career is over forever. Not from what I've read about him. I will fight for him until there is nothing left. And if my boss fights with me, he will never find a more loyal employee. I want this doctor to have good things and a happy future and hope for the future for whatever he may hope for himself. Not that things are bad for him - I'm not saying that. But he's changed over the last few weeks. And I hope I don't have to snuff out any hope that I've given him. I will feel like such a loser if I do. Maybe that will be a sign to go into IT Recruiting. Perhaps this will be the ultimate test for me. If this can be done, then all things are possible.

I suppose I could try to sleep, I don't know what good that would do. I feel like my stomach is in this huge knot. I can't possibly be normal or healthy right now. What is wrong with me? Is it that I'm taking 30mg of Adderral instead of 20mg? How could that be? I'm really freaking the frig out. I just want some relief. Please God, just some relief, that's all. Maybe if I over medicate, I'll get some. I think I'll try....

I posted my resume and sent a few emails out and have had very positive feedback. I don't know what to do now. I still think that I should leave it on my Derm and see what happens. That will definitely affect my mood about my job. Even then, I'll still want to do a good job for Joe. I really respect him and think he's probably the best boss I've ever had - definitely the most respected by me that I've ever had. I don't know how he's accomplished that, because I don't usually trust people quite like this, but I do him.

Now for over medicating myself...
Sunday, December 11, 2005

Work

Well, work is now an issue. Kim, the Recruiter manager, is out to get me. It's all because of a Derm that was hers, that she worked hard to get his explanations to get medmal approved, and he never sent them in. A Scheduler found his name off of AAD and gave it to him, and now he has commited to two schedulers for 2 different jobs. I had to go to Joe - David went with me, to get her to assign the doc to me. I told Joe I didn't want any repercussions, and there were. I got a review with "sometimes" marked on quality of work and on something else, I don't remember, and I was told it was because of "that one day". SOMETIMES? Because of one day? And then we had this stupid competition meant to motivate us, and then Kim ends up being the winner so far, and I think she was the one that created it. How stupid is that? It's only for like 1/2 day off, so who cares, but it is so demotivating. I was ready to put my resume online (which I did), and I told Tammy, who then told Joe, and who knows what else she told him because she goes into these speeches that are just out of control sometimes, and I just don't want to stir the pot any more than it already is. Now I feel like I need to tell Joe, but he probably sees me as a trouble maker and won't want to talk to me. If I talk to Joe again, Kim will really hate me then. Tony quit - for the same reasons that I'm facing. I just need out of there, don't I. But maybe every job is like this. I was so motivated for awhile there. And I still will be. It's just that I need Kim off of my aching back. I don't want her around me. And now I feel like I can't go to either her or Tamara for any reason at all. And I won't. And I've sat on this couch letting it eat me up all weekend which was stupid. Joe hasn't thought about it all weekend, so why should I? He doesn't care, so why even bother. I won't place any more doctors for Jan or Feb, so I don't see why it matters. I'll be seen as an underachiever, and then who cares. No one. I haven't even showered today. On another note, this bipolar whack job left me these messages on the bipolar board and I'm not returning them. I hope she gets out of her manic rage. Or not - it could be kind of fun unless she tracks me down and kills me.

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