It's Sunday

It's Sunday, and last week, I bought a subscription to the website physemp. Mark was pretty upset with me because it was $345 - actually, he was upset with me because he thought I didn't listen to him. Now I'm sitting here thinking I am so stupid. I will get no hits from that site, why would I? I'm sure other people have tried it before, because if they had, I would have seen them there. I just checked, and only CH is there, not SC. Even in Family Practice. Surely if it worked, they would be there? People would pay for their own ads?

I will go in to work tomorrow and be disappointed because no one has responded to my ads. Almost $400 down the drain. Oh well.

I spent most of this weekend posting on and All I really need is for one person to answer an ad on physemp and work for me for one month and it will pay for itself. Well, that's before 401k and taxes are taken out of it.

This weekend has been pretty boring. On the weekend, I can't wait to go back to work. During the week, I can't wait for the weekend. It's maddening.

I wonder what it will be like sitting by Jerome and Brandon, away from David. Being away from David will probably be the best thing that even happened to my job. I'll stop giving away hints, which I've already given away too many, but now I can work 100% and not get interrupted. I need to go through my email and see what I've missed. Leads, etc.

Oh yeah, a long timer recruiter quit

I forgot to mention that a long timer recruiter quit today. That's 3 or 4 recruiters in a month's time. I wonder if they'll move the Midwest recruiter who places the same surgeons that I do to take his Surgery place in the south now. I hope so!!!

David Might Pass Me and Other Ramblings

Well, David is going to pass me in the numbers at work. I guess it's only fair - he got a lot of good docs from Tamara, and I got a few from Tony, plus two free ones. I'm not really okay with it. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of shelling out about $100/month to a physician website that's not for Locum Tenens, but I'm hoping that they will consider becoming Locum Tenens. Mark doesn't want me to do it, but I think I will anyway. How will I know until I try? I'll have 15 spaces all the time, to change every single day if I want. That's quite a few! And $100/month is just a piece of what I make in commission, so...really, it's not so bad.

I've been having some trouble with my Derm. He's STILL not med-mal approved. He left for 1/2 day today, so I couldn't talk to him this afternoon and ask the final questions I needed. But! did place and OB/GYN for 6 months if he can just wait until March. He wants something NOW. David is really mad at Mike for the doctors he's been sending him, and I can't say I blame him. Then Joe, during our meeting, said some good things about Michael and how hard it was for him which must have made David steam, and I wondered if Michael had gone to Joe about David's doctors. To be honest, David doesn't really think before he sends doctors.

K. said the most interesting thing to me today, I don't know why he's being so nice. I passed him a derm, and he said the derm asked if I reported to him, and he said no, and my derm said to tell my manager that I was a really good recruiter and he liked working with me a lot. K. made it sound like he went on and on, and he may have told J. He probably did. I wonder why K. is being nice to me. He's really good at what he does, I think. He turns my docs into recurring docs - every one that's worked with him, he's done that. I'm sure I'll get mad at him later in my blog, but right now, I appreciate him very much.

For some reason, we're all going to start concentrating on "focus recruiting", but the weird thing is, it's mostly for "surgery" needs, not ologies. I mean, hey, that's fine with me. It's actually pretty cool and a very rare occasion, I know that. During these times, I need to work my BUTT off to find these docs, because I'll never get another chance. I'll do postings and things like that that no one will need to know about.

The house is SO CLEAN! We spent about $560, but in one day, they turned the house into the biggest disaster it has ever been to SO CLEAN! I actually want to buy a new steam cleaner and to fix up the landing. Mark wants to start sorting through piles and put things up. I also want to buy pictures. It's nice having a clean house again.

I just hope I can get my Derm to work tomorrow!!!!!

Good night, sweet blog

Still Mad

Am I manic - am I just staying mad? I don't think so, what's annoying me makes perfect sense. Only Kim is annoying me. Although David is annoying me, too. Now Tammy is going to get fired, and I will not have any friends left at work. David just loves Kim now because she embraces him and he thinks she is giving him doctors, and he's probably right. She treats him specially, and I told him that the Midwest team voted for me, while he tried to "downplay" the reason that I went to the Midwest was because I was already in the Midwest. I didn't even tell him that Kim said I was the strongest Recruiter, they had decided. That would make him pretty mad, I'm sure. He's all excited now, trying to place doctors, but I'm really hoping that either you "get it" or you don't, and that he doesn't. He'll place the doctors that have been given to him, and that's it. I know I'm obsessing about work, but I never thought that everyone would get so close to me in numbers, or pass me. I know Kelly will pass me now. What if David does? He sure talks like he will.

Mark is acting like a complete jerk. We went to McDonald's and he only ordered for me, complaining that I woke him up when I asked him what he wanted because I was going to go. Now he is complaining about the house, which is a total disaster. It really is, I've made a complete and total mess that is overwhelming to me to clean up. Mark complains about it, which he has every right to do, but now he is just yelling at me about it, and I can't take it. Should I move out and on my own? Make a new start? He said he just really wanted to take care of me, like a father would a child. He said he could do my job in his sleep, and that he works so much harder than I do. What an as*hole. I don't know that I can take this. I would like to move to the MacCarthur area so I only have a few miles to drive to work, get a tiny apartment, furnish it, etc. I probably wouldn't have anyone to date, but that's okay. Being on my own would be okay. I'm not at the age where people would want to date me anymore. Or the weight. Being on my own might not be so bad. But not having someone there for me - a companion, would really suck. I would miss Mark tremendously, I know I would. But he said he bought this house as a "gift to me". No, he didn't. I put down the entire downpayment, so he did NOT buy this house, I did. He makes it clear that he pays for this house now, and how he hates the state that it is in, but I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'll post on the bipolar board.

I Hate Kim - Who's Here after 6 Months?

She is so incredibly demotivating and everything about her makes me so mad! I can't even pretend to like her or be nice to her or act happy in one of our stupid meetings! Eric is now an "unofficial" leader on our team, yet in almost a year, he's hardly booked more than 25 days a month. Why in the world should I listen to someone who hasn't been successful? I don't care if he's been there longer than I have been. Obviously there's nothing that he could share that I would want to implement for success. She is such an idiot! She says good morning so sweetly to me in the morning, and I can't stand it! She's so fake. She makes me want to quit just to get away from her. I hate it when she says "Eric, Terrance and Kelly hang back". I'm sure she needs help, but it is driving me insane. I want to make Senior first, and now that I think about it, if they have all of these extra duties, they have less time to make Senior, right? And once you make Senior, you get a trainee. But the thing is, who is supposed to train me how to train? The dragon lady herself. I suppose there is no reason for me to act like I like her, or say anything in team meetings, or pretend that I enjoy being in team meetings, or even showing up to "board meetings". Who says I have to? I think I'll just stop. I don't mean to be a rebel, but not only do I have no respect for her, I don't trust her. She lied to me about a W-9 form. She told me "I'm sorry, but I can't sign off on it, and that's required for a packet in", when I knew it wasn't, and verified it with QA - that it didn't need to be changed for 2 weeks. Mark suggested letting her know that. I think I'll let her know AFTER Freilich is (if) Med-Mal approved. Now the only person I have left to ask questions is Joe. Or straight to QA and RM. Or Raunya. And if I absolutely HAVE to have something signed off on, then I guess I'll have to go to her, what choice do I have? Everyone's numbers will be higher than mine, my numbers won't matter any more, and I'll just be forgotten. Everyone's been given a lot more of Tamara's days than I have, and they'll just cruise right to Senior in the next few months, leaving me by myself, looking like an idiot. Was I wrong to stay? Would I have been better off had I left? Will David now be a better Recruiter than me? I think I've probably been very lucky so far, and had better get myself back on track somehow. Making 50 calls a day just won't cut it. It's just that...I can't work for her. I can't. And I've already told Joe that. I wonder what Kim will think when Jana tells her that I called her about Freilich and not Kim. Should be interesting. Should show how little I trust her and think of her abilities, eh? It's hard working with Kim because something happens EVERY SINGLE DAY to piss me off about her. I really CANNOT stand her. I don't know what to do. I remember praying for someone used to help me. Then I would want the best for someone because of the time I spent praying for them. She has not earned my respect, and this new team will end up like the old one. Just give it about 6 months. When I've been here a year, I wonder who will be left. I'll have to see. Man I HATE HER!

So Mad At Kim

Tamara quit, so we all split up doctors. David got a lot of major days out of the deal. I guess it's only fair since I got some from Tony - but I earned mine!! He didn't!! Kim is having everybody train the new people except me. Especially David! Not James, not me. And I have the most hours! And supposedly, the Midwest chose me to be their Recruiter because I was the "strongest" ology recruiter! And now Kim and Terrance are these "leaders". I really hate my job right now. It's Kim - I hate Kim. I walked up to punch holes in my paper, and she looked at me in surprise and interrupted her sentence and said "Hello?" while she was talking to David, and I just said what I was needing, and then she said, well you can help us too...she was putting together a memo on what it took to be successful as a recruiter to the new recruiters and asking David's opinion on what should be added, but didn't even ask me! I stood there for about 1/2 minute, then walked off. I do not like her. David is all happy about these days he didn't even work to book. But I guess...after that, what is he really going to book? Eventually, it will die out, right? And then I made a big mistake and put up two OB/GYN's to gov't jobs which I KNOW will take a month or longer to even decide, that is, if my assumption isn't true, that they will fall through altogether, and I have two long term OB/GYN's in those jobs. I just really hate my job right now. I hate that David got all of these free days and he's going to probably be close or what if he exceeded my days? and that I have to work FOR Kim. I really can't stand anything about her. I think she's trying to start over new with the new people, but it's not working for me. I told Joe how I felt, and I hope he knows what I think. But that's only as good as my numbers are, and they could all drop off in March. Every single one of them. I could have 0 numbers in April. I guess that would serve me right. I am so ANGRY with Kim and David. I'm not going to speak to either one tomorrow. I'm just going to go to work, try to get my Derm approved (which is highly unlikely), and have a horrible day overall. Tommorrow is going to suck big time. I won't get my calls in and Kim will bitch, and oh yeah, she went on and on about mass emails and how they were worded and spelling, etc. She can shove it up her butt. I do not like her, and now I don't like David for liking her and going on and on about his days that he was given. I think I want to quit. I wish I could quit. Where would I go? What would I do? I guess I'm stuck in this hell each and every day now. I f*ucking hate her.

The South Team

I'm really going to miss working with the South Team. I placed 4 doctors on the team this month. I was really exceling on the team. I wonder if they will even be upset that I'm leaving. Maybe not. It would be kind of cool if they were, though. And the Midwest team - I'm no Tamara. But they know that, I'm sure they were devastated to learn she was leaving, and now they're getting me. Hopefully I'll get enough doctors to push me towards 175. I hope Joe will reward me with good doctors because I decided to go to the Midwest. I know it needs to be fair, but does it really? Can't he make it a little unfair? I only need 75 days of her 325 or so days. If he gave that many to James and David, they still wouldn't be close to Senior.

I'm trying to get well this weekend, and I think it's working. I'm kind of obsessing about work. I'm kind of overwhelmed about all I'm going to have to do again - all the postings, etc.

Mark is leaving tomorrow, and coming back on Thursday. He hasn't brought the suitcase down yet, so Cody isn't "wagon training" yet.

I need to call Tamara and find out what those free websites are. Joe told me to call her on her cell. I need to gather the nerve up to call her.

I'm talking with someone named 'MoodyBluesToo" or something like that on the Bipolar Board who is thinking of committing suicide, but he has a drinking problem, and I don't know what else to say that I haven't already said. Should I just leave it alone? There's nothing left for me to say. Maybe I should just stop already. It's up to him now. Maybe by my continuing to write him, I'm enabling him? But everyone needs a support group, I suppose. I just don't understand alcoholism.

Other than that, being sick/getting well, and especially work has been on the brain. Joe said he was going to make some type of "announcement" about me going to the Midwest, and move the teams around. I wonder if he really will.

That's it for now.

Thought I Should Record This

I thought I should record this, even though I'm not really in the mood to blog tonight.

Tamara quit today. I was shocked, but then, I couldn't help myself, my thoughts started to think - WOW - ALL THOSE DOCTORS!!! She has almost 800 of them, and there are 3 recruiters in our city's office to divide them up to - and maybe one or to in SLC. I had thought beforehand, well...that leaves the Midwest Region without an "Ology" Surgery Recruiter, and I used to recruit in the Midwest, so I wonder if they'll ask me....but it would be big shoes to fill, and I didn't know what they would do. Someone mentioned, Tammy, I think, that everyone was going to a meeting. I did notice that some people were going from leadership, like Joe and Michelle, maybe Jeremy - people on the Midwest, like Keith, but not all, because Tammy would have been there. And then about lunch time, Joe called me and asked if he could talk to me. He asked me if I wanted to be the Recruiter for the Midwest. I said I would. I don't particularly like the states I'll be recruiting for because no one is really attracted to them, but the marketers are stong in that area. He mentioned my getting to Senior Status, and having people under me, and to begin training if I wanted to, but not to interfere with my becoming Senior. He said perhaps I could take people to breakout rooms and listen to tape or something. He REALLY wants me to be Senior. H wants to put people under me and have me be a Trainer as a Senior. I can tell he thinks I'm doing a great job. Then he talked about numbers for about an hour, and it just really bored me and I nodded and said wow and stuff like that the whole time, and he said "this took longer than I thought it would, I could go on and on" while I was wishing he would stop. He then actually offered to buy me lunch downstairs, which I thought was extremely nice and I was very appreciative, but was very uncomforable about it at the same time. Michelle came over later and hugged me and said she was glad to have me back on the team. So I said, the team is okay with it? And she said they were, that there must have been some kind of vote, and everyone raised their hands that they wanted me to be the "Ology" Recruiter for the team. It really is the strongest team because of the marketers, I think. I told David, but yet I didn't tell David, and he mentioned updating the job postings for the South, and when I told him I wasn't going to do it, I was going to update it for the MidWest, he said "you mean you told him you would do it?" in an upset way, and I said yes. Kim came over later and said that they thought I was the strongest recruiter, so they put me there. But really, the strongest recruiter? I think only David, myself and James are the "Ology" recruiters, so that's really not saying too much. I honestly say I just get lucky, and I don't know how. And it's really up to QA and the provider's if they get approved for med-mal insurance. Kim always says to stay positive, but it's hard sometimes. If Joe wanted to, he could be sure to give me enough of Tamara's docs to push me closer to becoming senior.

I know I can't take Tamara's place, but I can do the best I can. The Midwest is relying on me, so I'll have to try my best.

Mark is upset with me about house cleaning, so I need to contribute more to that aspect. I'm also sick today, so that doesn't help things.

My doctor said he would commit to 5 years at Langley AFB. I still doubt he'll get accepted, but we'll see.

I'll have a lot of jobs to post next week. Oh yeah - Joe said he was going to send out some sort of announcement, and that we were going to go ahead and split up the teams into our regions - as to the way we sit. I think that would be awesome. Then I wouldn't have to worry about David stealing my ideas anymore.

One More Thing - Work

One more thing...about work.

Dr. Fr. did get tentatively approved by QA - the Dr. that I took from Kim. I re-read my post and saw that I was putting my whole career on his approval. It looks like he is going to get his credentialing information in to me on the 3rd of January, he's going to take the Miami job on the 15th, and he's going to do full-time LT, he's even getting a tax-ID to do it as a corporation. No friggin-kidding. My own full-time LT Derm. I'm way happy for him if we get him through the whole process. He said he hasn't had medmal insur since 2000, and he deserves it because what happened to him was so minor that I can't even believe anything even happened to him to have to fight for him to get medmal approved! I guess QA feels the same way, and I told him so. I'm really happy he's getting another chance - and I need to tell him how strict our insur is so he'll know that he's not just getting approved for "any" insur, he's getting approved by one of the best, most strict, insurance companies. Tam. said she never would have tried to get him approved. Well duh, neither would I had Jar. not given me his name, and then had I not found in our database where K. was trying to get the information from him to get him approved, and then I asked J. about him and he said to go ahead and try - he might get approved. I think this all worked out for a reason. I never would have tried either - Tam.'s right. I never would have either.

My days filled are up to about 90 on some months. But that's without "Sell" which I'm so scared he won't get QA approved because he was retired for so long and worked maybe a total of 4 weeks since being retired since 2002. Everyone will be made at me when he doesn't get approved. But the client chose him, and I didn't expect them to - I just submitted him because he was all I had. Mark and I are still at odds, but I think I'll ask him what he would do.

Happy New Year

Well, today is January 1st, 2006. Happy New Year. And how am I spending it? I haven't had a shower since Friday morning (it's Sunday), Mark has complained about the constant state of the house (it's always a real disaster, I would agree that normal people do not live like this), and I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better if I lived on my own. If I did, I would just have to pick up after myself in one small apartment. I would just have my own clothes to wash. I would just have a small apartment to keep clean. I don't do anything with friends now - Mark and I rarely go anywhere now, what would be different? We don't have long discussions, so that wouldn't be missing. Sex wouldn't be missing, what would be missing? What would be so very different? Companionship? Having someone there? Do we really provide each other that much companionship? Are we just comfortable with having the person next to the other on the couch? Does he really love me or does he just not want to be without me because he doesn't like change? I think that's the real truth, and in all honesty, I think he'd be happier with someone else. So what do I do? Just break up, with no real reason for me to? There's no reason for me to break up. I just don't see any real reason to stay, either. I do love Mark. But what do we provide each other? Emotional support. We do provide each other that. Very much so. We are each other's biggest supporter's. But is that enough? I don't know. I'm pretty upset at him right now. I'm really wondering what the best thing for us to do is. The best thing for me to do would probably be to stay, would it be the best thing for me - would I be happiest? I don't think he would be happiest if we stayed together. I tried telling him that, but he doesn't listen. I tried telling him that he could find all he wanted in one person instead of trying to change me into what he wanted, but he doesn't listen or doesn't believe. What do I do? Just wait for him to leave me? I guess so. I guess so. When the time is right, I guess I'll know.

Happy New Year to me. To Us. Yay.
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