I feel so anxious about work.

I don't even know where to start. I'm worried that Dr. S. won't get privileged at the facility he's going to work at for next several months. And why should he? He probably shouldn't, and he probably shouldn't have been approved by us, either.

But the real concern I have is over my numbers. I have 3 other recruiters nipping at my heels, just waiting and wanting and praying for me to slip. I can't make 100 dials for some reason. I don't know if it's because I don't want to, or what. Dr. W. shouldn't be able to get approved for medmal, yet I was going to insist that he did. I don't know why I lie. I'm going to get caught one day, and then what do I do? Maybe I'll never get caught, but I think I already have with Dr. S. 3 other recruiters are trying to take me down. And K. is doing a good job at it, too. Her numbers may be just as good as mine, maybe better for next month? I'm not sure. Of course, she's been there 4 to 6 months longer than I have. And my boss does not see me in a leadership position. I don't know what to do to change that perception. Maybe he sees me as too quiet. Not assertive enough. I've got to get the information to him that I used to manage, but how.

Right now, my main concern is my numbers. Present as many docs as I can. Find as many docs as I can. Reach Senior first. That's my goal. K. may beat me. I don't know that D. has it in him to reach Senior before me, unless his team does it for him. K. has that fire to do it. I don't know that T. does. I need to stop looking at numbers - I'm only wasting my own time. I need to concentrate on my own, only, like I used to. I'm getting packets back that take time to go through, I'm having to do a lot of followups that I didn't have before, the clinic list isn't so great anymore, but I can go through it, maybe find retiring docs. Try the pipeline thing. I need Derms and especially ORS. If I have ORS, I should have the numbers. But those take a lot of my time to find. W

I just wish there wasn't this competition between the four of us. I wonder if it was done on purpose. I need to be political about it, just concentrate, like D. said, on what I can control within my own cubicle, and work on 100 dials a day. Stay extra if I need to to get in the 100 dials, but get them in somehow.

I need to stay incredibly motivated, and not get lazy. I have a great team that likes to use my docs, and I should count my blessings because of that. D. and K. have that too, and so does T., he's on my same team! They treat T. as the lead recruiter...when I reach Senior, and he's not, will they still?

I wonder, if that actually happened, what would happen as far as the power struggle between us all. Am I capable of reaching Senior? Are they? I have at least 50 or more doctors that D. has, and about the same as K. And T. I utilize the JB list more than anyone else, they just try to call it to get more packets out. Those people actually want job offers, not calls to get their packets in.

I'm learning all of this as I go along. I wonder what else I will learn. I don't think I'm as aggressive as I used to be. I see myself sending out more info again and less packets.

However, I am using some of T.'s doctors that she never used and placing least one- Dr. O'K, and maybe (hopefully, God please!) Dr. A.S.

JM is coming on strong though...he's' fighting for his job...T. told me that he will be in Final Warning if he does not have a new doc for February, and he doesn't, but he does for March. I wonder how that works, if it starts over, or what. I hope I never find out. T. also told me that someone who is very successful, from what I know, got written up for not placing enough people in their own territory. I wonder what else you can be written up for...I just don't want to be written up for anything ever again...I am NOT untouchable. And I'm showing myself as unreliable by being out of work as I have been lately.

I have so much anxiety about this all of the time, and D. won't shut up and get to work all of the time! I just need to tell him!

How can I succeed at work? I wish someone would help me, but then I wouldn't feel good about my success, because it wouldn't be mine. I want to be the first Senior. And if I am, the first Senior for several months. That would make me VERY happy, I think. If anything, the first to hit 175.


Before I forget, I weighed myself this morning, and am at 134.5. Surely I'll lose a few more pounds?

Just Stuff

Well, I started my period yesterday or the day before, so I'll be able to weigh in a few days. I hope I've lost a few pounds. I think I have, which is the first time I've actually thought I have instead of gained, so I've probably actually gained instead of lost.

I'm doing better about Cody. It will be 2 weeks on Monday (Today is Saturday). I can come home without crying. The hard part is the drive on the way home, I think - at least that's how it's been so far. I keep hearing that song, ALL THE TIME, "Cause it's you and me.." and I always finish it with "and Cody makes 3". Now I know what the actual words are, which I never knew before now. I still miss him terribly, and feel guilty about feeling annoyed when he wanted attention. Poor dog. He loved us so much. And I loved him. I just didn't know. I guess I should treat everyone the same way - you never know when "there time will come".

Work is going better, except for my numbers. I've decided to play this off as political. I was extremely upset, but now I'm intent on making Ter. and the girl lead recruiter my "friends". I asked Ter. to lunch on Friday and that went well. The girl recruiter is still intent on "being above me", and I don't know how to build a relationship with her that is on equal grounds. I'm trying, but she always puts on this act in front of the DVP and the lead of Recruiters that she doesn't when no one else is around. I don't know what to do about her. I can tell she feels very threatened. I'll have to figure how to reach out to her somehow. Maybe ask about her numbers?

I was sick last Friday, and came home early yesterday (Friday) and have a doctor's appt on Monday. That's missing a lot of work. I'll have to make sure that I have good attendance going forward. Especially since I need the packets out.

That's it, except I'm bored today - (Saturday). I have nothing to do. Laundry, I guess, I don't know what else. I'm still writing my bipolar friend. It seems like we like to write each other more about what is going on in our own lives than we do about commenting about what the other wrote. Maybe like a confessional. That's why I keep a journal!

Over and out. For now.

I Feel So Anxious and Sad

I think I feel anxiety when I'm depressed. I've been feeling anxiety- like I get to feeling anxious that all of my sadness is going to come gushing out and I can't stop it. I don't know why I keep myself from crying. I think because I feel like I can't just go around crying all the time. Cody is gone. I can't bring him back. But I want this pain to go away. I want to fast forward to when the pain is gone, yet I'm scared to let go of the memories. I miss Cody so much. At work I'm okay, its being at home. Now Mark is going to leave tomorrow, Monday, and I will be in the house all alone, without Cody or Mark. I haven't been in a house by myself in years. I suppose I'll be okay, it's silly to think that I won't be. I used to calm myself by thinking no one was in the house because if they were, Cody would alert me to it. Now that is gone. I search for dogs on the internet, I don't know why. I can't explain it. Maybe I really am trying to replace the pain with something else to love. I know I can't replace Cody, but maybe keeping my mind and heart busy, it will leave me less time to grieve over Cody. Does that make any sense? We have his kennel, sitting sideways, with all of his things in it. The formal living room is like a "Cody Shrine" - it's hard for me to even look into that room. His pet beds are still outside in the backyard and on the balcony, yet I don't want to move them. That would require me to hold close something of Cody's to me, and then to go into the Cody shrine to put it up. There's also an old red leash on the stair railing that I need to put up, but I'm not going in to the Cody shrine. His dog food is also in the pantry, but I just can't do all of this. I can't put it off, though. I'll have to do it sometime. Maybe I'll feel calloused and do it one day. Maybe I feel that way right now. No, I feel anxious, thinking about work and Mark leaving and Cody gone. My head feels like it's spinning because of my grief. I keep wanting to assign blame to someone or something, even myself, but nothing sticks, really. Like Mark said, it doesn't bring him back. It's Sunday, and tomorrow will be an awful day, especially tomorrow when I try to go to bed. Exactly a week tomorrow, and I will be all alone. I keep thinking "no I won't, Cody will be here", until reality snaps in very quickly and reminds me, no he won't, Cody is gone. I just feel sick.

I feel like I have the flu.

So Many Memories...

There are so many memories of Cody. Every time I turn around, I see something or remember something or am about to do or say something that reminds me of Cody. He should be here, he shouldn't be gone. He shouldn't be dead. I miss him so much. The tile in front of the fireplace seems so empty and lonely without him stretched out in front of it. His blanket and "hiding places" for his favorite little toys is missing. His "natural habitat" being gone has left an empty hole in the corner. I keep thinking to look outside at him, or look up at him, check his water bowl, or I saw that box that his food came in in the garage, and I start to cry.

I missed work on Friday, I don't really know why, except I just didn't want to get up. I shouldn't have missed work. I should have gone. I don't know why I missed work. When I was home, I just wanted to take medicine so that I slept all day, yet I didn't sleep, I just felt anxious. I should have gone to work.

Other than that, nothing has changed, it's just that I miss Cody so much. We bought this house with Cody here, everything about it is all about Cody. We were a family of three, not two. Mark said he'd never stop missing Cody. I wonder how I'll feel in a month. If I can think about him without tears welling up in my eyes and start to cry. My God, please help me through this. I miss Cody so much, I can't believe I'll never see him or be with him again. Please let him into heaven. I don't know if dogs get into heaven, but please watch out for him. He's a good little dog who meant well and was very good to his family.

I need to get up and take a shower and actually do something today.

Another Day, No Cody

I thought I was doing better today. I wasn't thinking of Cody every single second at work today. And then driving home, I started thinking about him and started to cry, and by the time I got home, and saw Mark wasn't already here, and opened the door without Cody to greet me, I started really crying. The house is so empty and alone without Cody. It's so quiet without him. I'm so lonely without Cody. I keep thinking horrible thoughts, like - how can they just incinerate my beautiful Cody's body? Who throws him callously into the incinerator, like he was nothing? He was my DOG, my PET, my COMPANION. I loved him so much. I didn't realize all of the unspoken routines I had with Cody. I thought I heard a sound by the bathroom door this morning and instinctively looked to see if it was Cody wanting into the bathroom, and after turning my head to see, I remembered oh...Cody's gone. Cody died. Cody's.....dead. That sounds so horrible. I never thought Cody would be "dead". I wasn't prepared. He didn't have a long illness that prepared me. 24 hours after taking him to the hospital, he died. I just don't understand it all. What happened? What killed him? What was the growth? What caused the infections, and what caused them to spill out of the "pockets"? Why did the growth double? Was it the Science Diet Advanced Formula that I gave him? Was it the Metacam that I gave him? I never really got to say goodbye to Cody. I made sure to pet him on the head this time, though, and say goodbye Cody, in case it was the last time I ever saw him. I'll never forget him bearing himself down so hard on that tile floor and breathing so loudly against it that I could hear him. He must have been in a lot of pain. And he sat out in the backyard for hours, why did we let him do that? That isn't normal for Cody - to sit outside for so long without barking and being made to come inside. And we had sex during that time, all on Cody's last day with us. We didn't even spend any time with Cody on his last day with us. I can't stand being in this house all by myself without him. Everything reminds me of him. This is really hard. I thought I was okay when I was at work today, but now I realize I'm not okay. I wonder how long it will take before I can come home again and not think about Cody.

Cody :(

I really don't feel like writing tonight. Cody died last night. We got a call around 8:00 or 8:30 from the doctor at the emergency clinic, and I answered the phone. He said "Cody crashed", and I said crashed, what do you mean? And I don't remember the words he used, but he said something like Cody retired. I didn't know what to say, so I handed the phone to Mark, and the doctor told Mark what happened. Apparently Cody's heart was beating very very fast, he was under stress or something, and they were concerned about it when we took him to the doctor Sunday night, and all day Monday, and wouldn't let us take him home Monday night because of his heart. Apparently, once he got back to the emergency vet and they hooked him up, his heart stopped and before they could help him, it was too late. I can't even explain how I feel about all of this. It's on my mind all of the time. Being in this house is just a reminder of Cody. Right after we found out, I went around the house and gathered up everything of Cody's because just looking at it made me feel worse. Mark picked up the brown teddy bear that he gave Cody when he got sick once, and he just lost it. I've never heard him cry like that. I feel so empty, it seems so unfair, I miss Cody so much. There's such a loneliness around the house without Cody. All day all I could think about was Cody. Mark told the emergency vet to take care of Cody's body. That makes me sick just thinking about that. His body. Cody's body. That beautiful dog we loved - we love - so much. Little routines make me cry - like walking in the door after work, or getting up in the morning, without Cody wanting into the bathroom. Sometimes I thought he was a bother, but I didn't know his time with us was about to end. How can we all know that? I could have done so many things for him - walked him more, loved him more, maybe given him different dog food? Maybe seen why he was outside for so long sooner? Gone to visit him while he was at the vet and maybe his heart rate would have gone down? It's just really hard, and I don't know how long it will take before I'm okay again, before Cody is not on my mind all of the time. I can't imagine feeling happy again. It happened so fast - we had Cody, and 24 hours later, he died. What happened? What went wrong? What could we have done?

When will I stop thinking about Cody all of the time, and when will I stop being sad?

Cody's Sick Again

Cody's sick again. This time, I don't know if he'll make it through. If he has to go through this again if he does, would the right thing be for him to make it through? He was acting a little restless yesterday, not wanting to lay on his blanket, not wanting to go outside, not wanting to stay and be petted by the couch, just restless. I remember saying "he's circling his blanket again". Then Mark put him outside, and that's where he stayed. For hours. We didn't think much about it until it got dark, and we called him in, and he didn't come. I had seen him sitting off to the side of the yard, in a very peculiar place for him, just sitting. Mark had to go outside and bring him in by the collar. Once he got in, I knew he was sick. I saw those slow moving eyes, that hint of a glazed look, the way he was kind of swaggering, and the lethargicness in him, and I just knew. I told Mark, but he was slow to decide, so I said, okay, I'll let you make the decision, and he kept asking do you think he's sick? So I got a peanut butter cookie - his favorite treat, and put it in front of his nose, and Cody turned his nose away, shocking Mark. Then Cody went and drank water, went back and drank more water, and it wasn't 5 minutes later that he was going behind the green chair throwing it up - just water. I said I think it's time to go to the doctor, and Mark agreed. We took him, and I got so mad because it took so long for them to see Cody. The doctor finally did, and we left him there. I got really scared because Cody was laying so still, and so close to the ground, breathing so hard that I could hear his breathing against the tile.

There are new infections around his kidney, and the growth is twice the size that it was the last time he was sick. Mark said the vet said the infections are worse this time, maybe because of where they are. She wouldn't let us take him home tonight and bring him back tomorrow because he wasn't responding to anyone, and wasn't moving at all. Also, his heart rate is up, and she didn't want him to have a heart attack. So basically, he's there and not here in case he dies, or might?

I tried not to think about him at work today, and one of my doctors said the best thing to do was probably to put him to sleep. Mark said he's not ready to give up yet. I don't know what to think. How do you know when its time? Does Cody decide when its time? Does he decide when its time to give up and not get better, and is that what he has decided already? It's only been 24 hours, so maybe I'm expecting too much - for him to bounce back. Mark just said "he's a good little dog, he's doing his best". Maybe that's true. I think we should go see him and remind him that he has something to live for.

Work was boring today. I made calls, people called me back, and I got a lot of no's. I was annoyed with the girl lead recruiter - she really annoys me. She doesn't know everything like she acts like she does. She has less days filled than I do, why should I listen to her? What makes her a better recruiter than I am? I checked for March, and she has 77 days filled, and I have about 115. That doesn't count the doctors I have booked that don't show up yet on a report. And there's still my funky Derm. card - who knows what he will do? I wonder if my female Derm. will extend. I've got to find a place for my New Orl. Urol., but I doubt I will. I might find it hard to maintain what I already have. I know I will eventually. People will start dropping off, and then what? But the girl lead recruiter is a real know-it-all. I can't stand her.

Catching Up

I guess it's been awhile since I blogged? Let's see, where to start. Everything is "okay" right at this moment. It will probably last less than a week. Work is very stressful. There are 4 of us Recruiters that are fighting to become "Senior" first. I will be crushed if I am not the first one. If I squeak in a close second, I will feel deflated, conquered. Of course, I could come in dead last, and be lucky to be Senior at all, and be happy that I will get a raise. I wonder how much the raise is? I feel like I'm not being productive at work. I'm not sending out enough packets! I need to concentrate and send out more packets. It's like the doctors aren't calling me back or something. Maybe it's because I've been calling from that stupid red list. That's when it began, I think. Everyone else has had some good luck with it, I believe. See how obsessed I am with work?

Keith actually, ACTUALLY! got the hospital where Dr. H. works to say that they'd look at another physician from us, and that means Dr. K.! The dates are less than a month away though, and Dr. K. said he is already on call, but maybe he could switch. Keith or Joe have to be able to convince him, in way or another, to take those dates! I have been waiting for this for MONTHS now. I have been telling Keith over and over that I have a doc, I just wish I had been given more notice.

And Dr. O'K should add 20 filled days for 4 months for me, and hopefully Dr. Hub. will get accepted to Hawaii. Why shouldn't he? He LIVES in Hawaii, and trained at the same military base. Then there's Dr. M. for PA (I doubt he'll get the job, and even if he does, getting his packet in will be like pulling teeth. I can't imagine him getting all of his stuff in to me). And Dr. W. and his lack of exp that I'm trying to talk him through that I feel guilty about and hope he comes across as confident to the client. That will be 10 filled days a month if he gets the job. I've got to keep booking for these people that are rolling off assignments. And they have to be BIG bookings, too, although Dr. H. does help me quite a bit, and he only works 3 - 9 days/month. I guess I have quite a few docs pending, and they could all fall apart tomorrow. They could all fall apart within an hour. Oh yeah, I've got to put Dr. F somewhere, too, but where? Maybe he will just be a recurring derm in Miami. And Dr. V's LT in G OH will end in July when they hire a new dr for that facility, Dr. Ful is stopping March 31, and my Urol Dr. L. is stopping after March, although he said it may be 2 more months. I've got to find him something in the locations he asked for, and fast. He's already been looking!

Getting the house cleaned was one of the best things I ever did. We had someone come and clean the entire house, and it was a true PIG STYE, the worst it's every been, for $550 - 2 people all day long. And now they come every two weeks, and it's been heaven. I don't feel so depressed at home, or in general. My mood has lifted. I could actually let someone in the house now, well, if it weren't for Cody. It was worth $550, trust me. And having the house vacuumed and everything every other week is so luxurious, I can't even describe it. Mark and I have been keeping it pretty picked up though. Well, he does a lot of it. I keep my little end table picked up daily, and do the laundry.

I always wonder how Mark feels about our relationship, if he's happy with me, what he's thinking, does he wish he was with someone else, someone younger, thinner, I don't know. I feel like I look so old now. I have these serious wrinkles around my eyes when I crinkle them that I didn't used to have. It doesn't help that I work with people who are all younger than me. Maybe it will keep me younger? I guess they're all in their 20's and 30's, like me. I wonder if Tammy truly was the same age as me. She seemed so much older, I mean, she really looked older to me. It made me think - do I look THAT old?

I don't know how much I reported I weighed last, but last time I weighed, I weighed 137.5. Actually, I got back on the scale about a week later, and I should never do this because it always happens, and weighed 138. I always weight right after my period, at a consistent time of the month for me. That means I have just 8 pounds to go until I'm in the 120's. I don't think I ever thought I'd be there again - that it would be physically possible. We'll see if it IS possible soon enough. Maybe April? May? June? I need to look back on my blog entries and see my weight success. I have to admit, Adderral and Phentermine with Zonegran and taking out the lithium and birth control pills have made a huge difference. I've lost almost 40 pounds in a year. Wow. The thing is, I don't think of it so much as "I lost xxx amount of weight...", I think.."I'm still so fat, and I can't believe I ever weighed xxx". I wonder if I'll ever feel thin enough. I know at one point I actually did. I remember going to the gym and telling a trainer that I didn't want to lose any weight. Can you imagine that? I can't. What was I thinking? Did I really feel that confident in my weight? How long had I been so thin that it made me so confident about my weight? My chest bothers me the most about my body. It sags so much. I need some sort of boob job - seriously.

I want a new car, and I want to get married, but I want to be a thin bride, and I can't pick out my wedding dress until I am at my "goal" weight. Maybe when I'm around 125 I'll start looking for dresses? This summer?

Other that that, I don't know what else is going on. I have a dr that gives me the creeps (they are all kind of strange in their own ways - well, not all, but some, but I guess everyone has a personality). I am just SO OBSESSED with work. If something happens, I don't want to go down like I did at Ac., and back in the hospital. Maybe no one sees me as a leader, and who knows, maybe I'm not.

Peace Out.
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