Just a "Bad Day", not a "Bad Life"

There's a song that's been getting way too much airplay, but it actually makes me feel good. The song name is ironic (the real meaning of ironic) because it's called "Bad Day".

There are people, I'm sure, who are going through worse times than I am. Mark still hasn't found a job, and that's $125k we're missing a year. My job can't come anywhere near that.

I still miss my dog more than anything. I worry and I'm sad.

On top of that, I fell in the parking lot today and landed on my knee, putting a huge hole in my hose with blood gushing from the wound, down my leg (and yes, down the hose). After almost 2 hours, I finally went to the security desk for a band-aid, and they made me fill out an "incident report". I had to explain what happened to me (falling on concrete and landing on my knee), and "no, there were no witnesses". "Yes, that was the only injury", and "yes, it happened in the parking lot". Can you believe all of this had to be documented for a band aid?? I was starting to grab a pen to sign the form, and then I was told it was not necessary. Well what was the purpose, then? Not only that, but next there was this whole process about what SIZE of band-aid to give me, with a handy-man joining in the search for the perfect band-aid, and a non-adhesive one was decided upon by them, and they told me to cut it and tape the ends to my leg or my hose. You're thinking regular band-aids must not have been there. They were. I saw them. They thought they were too small, but they weren't. I don't know what I was thinking by listening to them, so I thanked them, took the non-adhesive bandage to my desk, cut it, and TAPED it to my hose. Unfortunately, I wore a dress above my knees (just barely, still professional), and the bandage was white, the tape wasn't invisible, and it was a horrid mess. Just horrid enough for people to say (before bandage) "Oh my gosh, what happened to your knee?" (after bandage) "Oh my gosh, what happened to your knee?"

So back to the song, "Bad Day". It makes me think - maybe it's not a bad life, I'm just having a bad day. So what if I did think every day is a bad day? At least I can think TODAY is just a bad day, and have hope for tomorrow.

But there's a part in the song that rings so true to me. I've been to the bottomless pit of depression, where it's not even in you to pretend to anyone anymore, and you don't even remember how to try to pretend, because you don't remember what it was like when you didn't feel that way. It goes like this, and honestly, sometimes this still happens....

....You're standing in line just to hit a new low...
....You're faking a smile with a coffee to go...

That's me. Everything's falling apart around me. Life is still moving on like it always does, I'm going through the motions like I always do, maybe I feel empty, void, anxious, whatever I happen to feel, but there it is. I'm still faking that smile to an unknown stranger like everything is just a-ok. Why? Is that an American culture type of thing? I don't think so. I've seen people in line in front of me who don't smile when they grab their latte, they just grab their cup, maybe say thanks, and move on with their life. Why do I feel like I have to smile? I am always more concerned that they know I am pleased with their service and that I brighten their day instead of just acting and being myself.

Sometimes I wonder - who am I really? Who would I act like if I was really just being me?

Yesterday I was creating a training schedule for a new recruiter that started today, and coordinating it with a girl who's also a lead recruiter and has been there a lot longer than I have and has trained before at this company (this is my first time, I've only been here 8 months), and while I asked her a question, I got an email from her that said "she is such a furking idiot". She and I are not friends. We are not all-out enemies, but I would say we are quite competitive as the top two recruiters in our division. I sent an email back after we got off the phone that said simply "?" and she said she meant to send that to her other friend with the same name. Is it just me, or is that a bizarre coincidence? Being the kind of person that I am and I can NOT let things go, I had to show the Regional Vice President of Recruiting in our Division, knowing full well she is good friends with her. The RVP said she would been up in her face after a memo like that, but in her defense, she'd done something like that before, and this girl was going through personal issues right now. I found out what they were today. Her boyfriend permanently moved to Germany today. So, she said, she was "officially single" at 3:00pm today. But does that mean it's okay to send me a memo saying "she's a furking idiot"? I'm sure it was meant to another co-worker about me. But also, being the kind of person I am, I used it to my advantage. While the RVP was saying she would be in her face about it confronting her, I said, no, I'm taking it in the competitive spirit it may have been sent in, and I'm going to stay professional and not let it affect my job or my performance. She was quite impressed, as I knew she would be. So, in my own way, I got the girl recruiter back, and at the same time, I added another level of professionalism to my name. I had to blow it off today and not think about it as we worked together with the two new recruiters.

But my day really wasn't bad. I booked a big job today from May - November.

No, my day wasn't bad at all. Eventful, yes. Bad, no. Still..."Bad Day" is a song that makes me feel good.

...faking a smile with a coffee to go... I don't want to be rude, but I wonder if I can just stop FAKING that darned smile for once.

Are My Meds Working?

I read a story on the internet about cards that didn't quite make it to the Hallmark line. One of them read "Christmas wouldn't be the same without peanut brittle". You then open the card and it says "Or Jesus". I don't know why, but I laughed out loud about it. Comparing Jesus to peanut brittle seemed absurd, I guess.

Okay, so check this out. My dog, my beloved dog who was the 2nd closed entity to me in the entire world, died less than 2 months ago. My fiance, who I live with, lost his job last week, and he pays the majority of the bills.

But I actually had a good day today. How can that be?

Shouldn't I be frantic, anxious, unable to concentrate, calling in sick, worried, depressed, on the edge of my seat until my next p-doc appointment?

It seems like I should be, but I'm not. I miss Cody, tremendously. There are times when I still shed a tear.

I have faith that Mark will find a job before we run out of money. I just have faith in him in general and his skills and abilities. What company wouldn't benefit from hiring him? They'd be stupid not to have him on staff.

And today. Today! It was a glorious day at work! I booked two long term doctors on assignments! To have one doctor booked on a long assignment in a day is huge, but two? It means a lot of work now for me to get them to actually work, but it's still huge. And it's a good chunk of change, too, even if I am just trying to maintain my numbers right now.

I wonder how I would be feeling without my medication. Would it be any different? I have a lot of reasons to be depressed - pull the covers in over your head in bed and just cry and cry depressed.

I have reasons to be anxious. What if Mark doesn't find a job? What if our house forecloses? What if I can't afford gas to go to work?

I even have reasons to be paranoid. What is Mark really doing all day at home while I'm at work? Is he meeting someone? Having lunch with someone? Chatting with someone? Building a new relationship with someone younger, prettier, happier, chattier (ok, that's a stretch), someone who just thinks the world of him - more than I do?

But I'm not, and I want to know, why not? I say all this, and yet, I'm just speaking of today. If I read back in my blog, I'll see plenty of depression about Cody, plenty of anxiousness about my job and my standing there. I'll see plenty of worry about money.

But not today. Today, for once, I'm ok. I'm better than okay - I'm great.

Okay, Mark is now complaining about the health insurance we no longer have. He successfully deflated my day. He found the one thing that brought me down.

So How's Today?

Today, nothing has really happened. I think I should have started my period by now, and it seems like I'm late, but under the circumstances, maybe that's normal. I never have kept track of them, but since I've started weighing myself once a month as soon as I'm over my period, I guess I kind of am keeping track. Mark and I were in the drive-through line at McDonald's and there were just these songs on the radio that reminded me of Cody, and I just started crying and told him why. He said "oh yeah, you're getting ready to start your period". No, I don't necessarily think that's true. I read through my blog last night, and saw how much Cody was a part of the family and how much he meant to me, and it really made me miss him. Not that I didn't really miss him already. I've gotten past the "traumitized" phase, and don't constantly think about him, but there are songs on the radio where I would insert his name. Such as Firehouse's "You and Me", I would sing "Cuz it's you and me, and Cody makes three", and today a song came on, and it goes "It's hard to say what it is I see in you, wonder if I'll always be with you, words can't say, and I can't do, enough to prove it's all for you." I would sing "It's hard to say what it is I see in Cody Bear, wonder if I'll always be with Cody Bear. Words can't say, and I can't do, enough to prove, it's all for Cody Bear". Silly, I know, but he meant so much to me, and it made me cry. I thought Mark would share the moment with me, but instead, he downplayed it.

Mark is acting incredibly confident about finding a job, and I don't feel panicked at all about money. He went on probably..5 or 6 interviews last week? His first week of being laid off! As a recruiter, I helped him with his resume the first time he was looking for a job when he owned his own business and got the job he was laid off from, so he gets LOTS of calls. He had 50 calls in the first week last week. He knows this, because he tracks it on an Excel spreadsheet. I think he posted his resume in dice, monster and careerbuilder. Dice would be the best for him. If he gets a job as a developer, I don't know how he's going to deal with reporting to someone. He's talking about getting a job that would require 80% travel, and what would I do then? What if I got into one of my manic moods and get it set in my head that he's having an affair and call him 100 times in an hour and scream at him and want to break it off, when there's really nothing going on? Where I can't just let it go, I can't just calm down, and it forces me to do that? What then? It's happened before when he's been out of town. He also mentioned a job in Chicago, where we'd have to move, and I'd have to quit my job and we'd have to sell our house. I just want him to be happy, that's all. If it meant moving to Chicago, so be it. I can get a job as a Recruiter in Chicago. I don't know that we could sell the house, though. Traveling 80% of the time really scares me, though. What if something happened to me? I feel like I can't take care of myself, that I need my support here with me. I'd buy a puppy to keep me company, but then I work such long hours, is that really fair to a new puppy? How would I house train it working such long hours?

I don't have medical insurance now that Mark doesn't have a job, and that really scares me. It just so happens that I used the "mail" option last time I went to the psychiatrist, and I just received 3 months of medication after he got laid off. So...I've got 3 months worth of medicine to last to get new insurance. My medication is $1500/month without insurance. I take Seroquel, Buspar, Klonipin, Zonegran, Lamictal, Geoden, and Adderall. The newer medications, like Zonegran and Geoden, are what really sock it to the pocketbook, even when I do have insurance. At work, they said this is a "life changing event", and I can get insurance now through work, but I need a piece of paper that says that I'm no longer covered with the date. Mark doesn't have anything like that, and says it's coming in the mail, but will be a few weeks. A FEW WEEKS? I don't have that kind of time to be worrying about it! Not only that, but what if my insurance decides that being Bipolar is a preexisting condition? I dont' mind paying for 3 month or 6 month visits to my psychiatrist - they're only $60 for 15 min. visits, but it's the medication I need help with. I used to read on the bipolar board about people who didn't have insurance and how they couldn't afford medication and couldn't really relate. Now I'm starting to wonder about myself...

I saw Pearl Jam perform on an old episode of Saturday Night Live this morning and they sang "Alive", one of my all time favorite songs. It reminded me of my mother, especially when he sings "Is there something wrong she said? Of course there is. You're still alive she said, oh but do I deserve to be? Is that the question? And if so, if so, who answers, who answers?" It always reminds me of my mother telling me my grandmother wanted her to have an abortion, but Papa didn't want her to. Why would she ever tell me that? She's so mean and spiteful. She was that way my whole life. I'm sure that if she could go back in time now, she would choose to have an abortion, I'm positive of that. She wishes I didn't exist. She pretends I don't exist to her. She wants nothing to do with me, all because I left her when I was 16 and she was on drugs, bringing different abusive, drug dealing or doing men into the house, living with us, one after the other. My step-dad is a whole other issue. I really wish I had a relationship with my mom, but I can't force something that's not there, that she doesn't want to be. I've tried sending her flowers on mother's day, things like that, but she won't do anything. My brother, I tried to connect with him, but when I reminded him of what his dad did to me, when his dad tried to re-connect with me and I just went off on him telling him all the things he did to me and how much I hated him for it, Jeremiah felt like he had to choose, and he chose his dad. I can't believe Jeremiah doesn't remember what happened. I know he was only like 5 or 6, but it was pretty bad. So Jeremiah wants nothing to do with me. No one on my mother's side of the family wants anything to do with me. And I don't try to make them anymore, I have just accepted the fact and leave it alone. I've done so for many years. The thing is, if my mother wanted to contact me, she would have no idea where to start. She doesn't know where I live, where I work, what my number is, but I suppose she could always ask my relatives in Garden City, where they all live. They might tell her, but hopefully they would ask me first. And my answer would be....I say no, but curiousity might get the better of me and I might say yes.

Still obsessed with work, and this blog entry seems dull. I'm worried about everything right now. I'm worried about work - that my desk is unorganized, that I'm forgetting things, that I won't book any new days, that Account Reps won't trust my doctors that I pass them, that other people are getting more ahead in days filled than I am and will be senior before I am. I'm going to start training a new person the week after next, and will it take up too much of my time? The new person has to be very successful and can't quit. But what if they give me a dud? And I look incompetent as a trainer? The new recruiter isn't even going to be sitting with the Surgery team! We're that much out of space! I'm just lucky to have a cubicle. I'm worried about money, about Mark spending his entire day at home every day, I miss Cody, I'm obessed with work, I'm obsessed with losing weight, I want a new car and I think I want a new puppy, and I'm worried about health insurance. Why can't I just live in the moment?

Right now I have loads of laundry to be folded calling my name...ho hum. It is much more peaceful in the house now that a cleaning company is coming every other week to clean the house.

I wish I was happy. I wish I wasn't always so anxious and scared and worried. I don't know how not to be. I don't know how to be "normal". I just know that I'm "stable" and "okay", and for now, that's enough. I'm able to function, and that's what matters.

Laid Off

My fiance was laid off today. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very worried. Tomorrow I've got to go to HR and say there's been a "life changing event" and that my fiance was laid off, when he has never been my husband, and that I need health insurance. I just hope they give it to me. Our insurance runs out at midnight tonight. Isn't that crappy? I haven't even had the chance to process all of this yet. At work, I used to just work to "fill days", for the challenge, and now I'm working for money? That puts a whole new pressure on things, a whole new light on my job. I'm working to support us. I took my 401k down to 0% today. Maybe that will help things. Not much, but maybe a little. I was so freaked out, that I couldn't even be happy at the March Madness contest today. I won as overall producer, second time in a row, for recruiters as well as for the surgery team, and I couldn't even be happy about it. How could I? My fiance just got laid off from his job! I wanted to cry, I still do. He thinks he can get a job really quickly as a developer for 80-100k. He's making $120k now. I don't think he can make 100k as a developer. He hasn't even been a developer in years now. I don't know what to think. I don't know what will happen. I just hope he gets a job soon, and a decent paying one as well. I hope whatever job he gets, he likes. He only has about a month. He says "a few months", but in a few months, we'll be down to $0, and hopelessly, helplessly, poor. I don't want to be on the verge of losing the house again.

We just lost Cody. Now my fiance has lost his job. If things happen in 3's, what is #3? We were so close to buying a new/used BMW this weekend, but my fiance knew to wait for it. It was such a smart idea. He knew somehow. This guy where he worked who is in charge was a dick by telling his friend Charlie come to work bright and early on Monday and I'll tell you "the plan", which was to lay him off.

I wanted to be able to post jobs for all kinds of surgery jobs, and it was the Recruiting RVP's idea. I loved it, and girl lead recruiter hated it. She really fought against it. I said "I just do it on the weekends". Her stupid comment was "what if someone doesn't have access to a computer on the weekend?" Duh, they can go to work, which I would do if I didn't live so far away. So we decided not to do it, I was probably the only one who wanted to do it, with the exception of the RVP. My friend might have wanted to, too, but that was it. The RVP came to me later and said she agreed with me, she wanted to do it too, and that she saw what I was talking about - the aggressiveness in the girl lead recruiter. I'm glad she finally saw it. And the fact that she remembered me telling her and taking the time to come and tell me that she saw it meant a lot. It probably ticked her off that the girl didn't like her idea and went out of her way to go against it. You have to be in that position to appreciate it.

I'll never beat Ter. this week, but at least I'll try and have 5 points this week by getting my 100 dials in this week. For some reason, I'm not getting any packets in. I could see where I might book days like with my ENT, but I could see where I might not.

Ter. is training this week, but so am I. So we'll see what happens. I don't really care anymore now that my fiance got laid off. I care about us having money, that's what I care about. Making the house payment, having food, paying bills. That's what I care about. My fiance getting a job that pays well. That's what's really important. Not if Ter. wins or not.

Is it worth it?

Is this stupid contest worth it? Maybe my friend is right - it's all about "proving yourself" to the team. Sure, there's a monetary reward, but we don't need it THAT bad. I don't see Ter. booking anything big next week, but he could surprise me. Plus, he is training someone, but I'm training people, too. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I just need to find as many doctors as I can. I sent out a lot of packets last week that I probably shouldn't have sent out - like weekend Urol.. Now I'll be chasing those packets down, and for what? For nothing. The only thing that really matters to me is being Senior Recruiter first, and the girl lead recruiter may very well take that away from me. And she's earned it - she's been there longer than I have. If I win or lose next week, it doesn't matter. I'll give it my all, I say it's luck, but is it really? I don't have anything promising that could book this week. Nothing big. So I'll have to stay late every night to get my 100 calls in, which I should have been doing all along. The company's database is the best tool I have, and I can't quickly get 100 calls in that way, but it works the best, so I like to go with something that may be slower, but more productive. I've been getting some calls back from interested hard to find surgeons - two last week. That's pretty good, don't you think? If I got two every week, that would be a lot of those kind of sugeons. I'm cheating, but in the end, if I got those, does it really matter? I don't know why Ter. doesn't use the database to get them. He really doesn't use it at all. It works the best, in my opinion.

I've been playing the Sims all weekend long. I haven't even showered since Friday morning, and this is Sunday afternoon. We are going to dinner with my fiance's parents tonight at 5:00pm. No one ever mentions that I've lost weight, and I don't know why. Can no one tell? My two friends from where I used to work noticed right away, so I don't understand why no one else does. I guess they're being polite, or they never noticed how much I weighed before.

My fiance might get laid off at work. I don't think he will, but he has made me afraid. I don't know what we will do if he does. I feel a sense of calm that he might get to fill in as the CTO for his boss, but that is probably a long shot. His boss' entire organization may be re-orged. That would include my fiance. I'd REALLY be staying late at work then. I'd have to make as much money as I could. Right now, I don't feel that urgency to make money. But if he lost his job, I would. My DVP seems pretty confident that I'll be the first Senior Recruiter, and I don't know why. My numbers could totally bottom out or flatline. Dr. Fr. could still freak out and not start the assignment, and I'll lose 20 days a month. Dr. W. might not start at the eye clinic, losing 10 days a month in May, maybe due to his unavailability, his lack of surgical contact, or getting the PSA back from his attorney, and I can't talk him through the issues. And believe me, there will be issues after an attorney looks through it. They get paid to find issues, right?

All this talk about work. I pretty much have it on the brain all the time. I guess I'm obsessed, which isn't good, because then I take things too seriously and too hard when they don't work out. I hope I don't have one of those completely destroying weeks that tears apart all of my days and all of my pending days. I have weeks like that, and I don't know what to do about those. Just press on, that's all I can do.

I guess I'd better go take a bath, as well as figure out what to wear tonight.

How did I do it? Luck? Talent?

David is acting very strange at work. Very immature. I don't understand him. And I don't understand how or why I'm winning this March Madness contest. I've won 2 weeks in a row (Monday it will be decided), and I don't know how. But the amazing thing is the amount in which I've won by. A huge amount. More than anyone else - including Account Reps and Sales Reps. Is it luck? Is it talent? David said it's timing. Two weeks in a row. I don't see how I could win a third week, especially against Terrance. That's a contest that means a lot to me - I do NOT want to lose to Terrance. But David said a lot of strange things to me all week long. By his complaining, he really boosted my ego, which is an unfortunate thing for both of us. He said so many things. Like...people just "love" me, he's said that before, and they don't him. He said people listen to me when I talk, and they don't him. He said account reps will take my docs, but he can't get them to take his. He wanted to win last week's contest to redeem himself for coming in last place the first week when he was sick for a few days that week. I told him I didn't want to win, and if I booked days, I wouldn't use them, but then I did book days, and I did use them. It actually would have been kind of nice to be eliminated for next week to take the stress off of me, then David would have won fair and square and he would have been happy, and everything would be okay. But that's not what happened. I booked days on Friday, when Dr. L. was accepted, and it put me over David's points. That's when he called me and laid it on thick for about 10 or 15 minutes. Kim asked me to run the "screen" meeting, and it was Kel. turn. I didn't know what would happen. Kel. took it really well, but she had a really good screen like she always does, so what did I really have to add? Ter. seemed a bit unhappy, but that could just be my imagination. But he's not booking the days that Kel. and I are. Ter. and I went to a meeting with Eil. to meet with the corporate recruiters, where they asked us what attributes to look for that make a good recruiter. I was quite flattered to be chosen. And Joe chose me to have the new corporate recruiter sit with for an hour out of all the Surgery Recruiters. I mean, that's pretty flattering, isn't it? Now I need to work THAT much harder and THAT much longer to compensate for the time I'm spending training people. Joe was right. He said when he started training, he would make up for it by staying until 9:00p at night. I can totally see myself doing that now. I was physically and mentally drained this week from working so hard on the contest. I asked Jack and Jerom. if they were too - and they both said the same thing. Oh yeah, David was upset because he said 3 people, 1 Recruiter and 2 Account Reps, he wouldn't tell me who, told him "good luck trying to beat her", as if there was no way he could beat me at the contest. That upset him, of course. He really complained about this. Mich. will be happy that I won the contest because she left on Wednesday and will be back on Monday and she doesn't know yet that I won. If Ter. wins, then Ter. wins.

Other than that, Mark's job is very unstable right now. He is afraid he may be laid off on Monday. I would freak out if that happened. I can't even speculate what might happen. I don't know the circumstance well enough.

I can't think of anything else to say right now, so that's it for now!


Today, I feel better about losing Cody. I still miss him, and I still have moment where I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I find myself thinking of him out of habit, little things he would do like waiting for me by the door. Yesterday, though, it was kind of nice not to have him freak out when the lawn was being serviced, breaking blinds. But that would be a small price to pay to have him back. I say I want a new dog, but then I think about all the work and time involved, and the guilt I always feel, and I wonder if I should really get one or not. There's still a "shrine" to Cody in the formal living room. I wonder what in the world we are going to do with his things? I keep thinking I'm going to call the Animal Hospital and see if they still have his collar, but if they do, what would I do with it? Then I think Cody would be hurt if he knew we didn't even go back to get his collar. Why did he only live to be 9 years old? I see other dogs to be adopted that are 12. He should have had another 3-5 years left, at least. I still don't understand what happened.

I don't think I'm doing very well at work. And I don't really like my job anymore. The girl lead recruiter is passing me in numbers. Ter. is telling me what to do like he's my supervisor, yet I have zero respect for him. I want to be the "star", yet other people are achieving higher rank than I am. Ter. has been chosen as a leader in the MW group, by the DVP, by the head of our dep't Recruiting, by everyone, to even tell me what to do. I don't like it, and it makes me want to quit. My friend has been really sick lately, and has been missing work a lot. That makes my days lonely. I didn't realize how we bonded - how it was "us against them", and without him, I don't have an ally. We're having this stupid contest at work called "March Madness", and I hate being competitive like that, in front of everyone. I kind of hope I get eliminated so I don't have to worry about my numbers. What if I was one of the last two left, and then I lost? I would rather lose right away, and watch from afar. The first and last people compete against each other, the next to last person and the next to first person compete, and so on. The first person last week was me, and the last person last week my friend, but only because he was out so much. So I'm up against my friend. I know myself, I will stay every night until I have 100 calls just for that 1 stupid point. FYI - I just told my fiance. And I'm cheating at work. In my search on SBDev, I chose all of my specialties, and added one that isn't my specialty - it's the other recruiters on my team. I found that Ter. isn't calling the company's database, which makes it a gold mine for me. I call the them, then just don't enter notes. So far, there are a LOT of these surgeons to be called, more than any other specialty, but maybe it's just a coincidence. I would imagine it's like Derm. not very many.

I'm looking for a new car (well, a new car to ME, I would never be approved for an actual new car that wasn't used unless it was a Kia or something like that). I found this BMW 2003 that I like. I guess I've become a brand whore when it comes to cars. It was really fun to drive. It wasn't as smooth of a ride though. It had a LOT of kick, and I was surprised at how it handled - really tight. I've never driven a car like that before. It has a sunroof which would be awesome. My hopes aren't that high about getting it. Too many variables could go wrong. Not getting approved, not having the money, what am I going to do with my current car, someone else buying it before I do, etc. It probably wasn't meant to be, but maybe it was. Time will tell. One thing is for sure, I've never driven a car like that before.

Other than not liking my job very much right now, and being better about losing Cody, yet having my sad moments, everything is kind of blah but okay. I know that okay is better than okay, but I'm really teetering on being okay right now. Work isn't great, home isn't great because of Cody - I'm just trying to get through each day - day by day.

I wish I was doing better at work. I wish I was booking more days, but I'm afraid I may have lost my edge. Dr. S couldn't get privileged, and I lost 20 days/month. Dr. W. will be going to Turkey after he returns from Thailand to see his son/daughter, so I took off my 10 days/month. I would have been up to 170 filled days for April, but instead, I'm down to like 78 for May. How am I going to get that back up? I don't think I can, but I'll try. What jobs could possibly come out and what docs could I possibly put in them to get me back up to even 100 days filled? How am I going to get new docs for May? May will be a horrible month for me. And I don't know how to get past it.

That's it. I"m losing my edge. I need to get it back.

Thanks for listening.

How Do I Move Past This?

How do I move past this?

I miss Cody more than ever. It seems like he was the one that made me feel loved at home, I just didn't realize it. I don't feel loved at home anymore. Maybe he was the glue that kept Mark and I together. He had such a profound impact on my life that I don't know if I realized it? Or I guess I did - I was pretty upset when he was sick. There is so much that I would give just to have him back. Of course I wouldn't give up Mark to have him back, but just about anything else. I can't believe he's not here, and I cry and cry about it. I cry on the way to work, I cry on the way home. I cry sitting on the couch, I go upstairs and cry in bed. I cry when I'm in the car with Mark. I just cry. I'm crying as I sit here. It will be 3 weeks on Monday - why don't I feel better about it instead of worse? Is this just the way I process things? A bit of sadness released over a period of time instead of a lot of sadness all at once? Is it true what Mark said, I'll never get over Cody? Maybe I should just make up my mind and get over him, stop being sad about him. He's gone, and I can't bring him back. But it seems like he should have had a longer life ahead of him - 4 to 6 more years of a good, full life ahead. Was his life really so bad that he didnt want to live that long? Why did he die? I don't understand at all.

I'm drowning at work. I don't know if I can get one provider's packet in, and another provider's references. And it's for B, who I want to succeed and not quit. He's a good scheduler, really good. He might be too nice, though. Maybe he doesn't push jobs like they're urgent? I don't really know, I don't get the feeling that my jobs with him are urgent for some reason. Maybe he's not so good after all. I'm still drowning at work.

I don't know if Mark and I are getting along well or not. I guess we are, but maybe we're not. It's hard to say right now. I'm kind of annoyed with him over Cody, and he's probably a bit annoyed with me over housecleaning or something, who knows. He's always annoyed with me over something. He's always disapproving of me in some way. Isn't that life, though?

Even my desk is a mess. Everything in my life is a mess, nothing is orderly. It's how I feel inside.

It's all started since Cody died, 3 weeks ago. I'm surprised I'm getting anything done, that any docs are getting booked, that I'm functioning at all.

Am I being truly productive? I don't think so.

And I don't think I can get another car, either. Not a decent one. I don't have good or decent credit, and I don't think I can get anything decent with my credit. I want this Range Rover from this dealership, but there's no way they'll lend me the money. I tried D&M Leasing, so we'll see what happens from that. Probably nothing.
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