Am I the only one...

...who worries that someone I work with will discover my site? I would have to quit. Surely somehow someone would tell me, right?

I would die, but I'd rather they tell me so I could quit.

I'm So Confused

I'm so confused.

I don't know where I left off?

The day after my boss notified me he knew about my resume on Monster, the RVP of Recruiting asked me lunch - just myself and her. We had a good lunch, and I kind through "my friend" under the bus. He asks her the dumbest questions, and I've told him before to stop asking her questions. I brought up a question he told me he had asked her, and how it had made me laugh, and she was like "I know, can you believe that?", but not in those words, much more professionally. Well, the next day, "my friend" said he went and asked her a question, and she said "You already know the answer to that question", and wouldn't answer him. I see that as a direct result of our conversation. He told me he was going to stop asking her questions.

And Gov't Acct Rep made me FURIOUS on Friday. He made me so mad that I was fighting back crying. He was supposed to call my doctor and tell him he didn't get the job, and he had 3 days to do it, and he hadn't done it. It was a simple phone call. I asked him maybe 3 times on Friday to do it, and he kept saying he was too busy, and I wanted to present another job to him, so I finally called him and confronted him about it, he said he was busy, and I pretty much hung up on him. He came by about an hour later and said "Are you mad at me?" and I said yes. He said he called my doctor, and I said ok...I was still pretty pissed at him, I actually still am. It was so disrespectful. Who does he think he is? So when I was trying to get my doctor to go to the job that my other doctor got dropped for (weird law in Wisconsin that he couldn't get a license), the Acct Rep said that he wanted him for one of 16 jobs that was coming through the gov't starting in July. I said no, I wanted him for Wisconsin. We argued about it, and then he told another Acc't Rep "She's mad at me and won't place her doctors in the gov't anymore". I said because they always fall through. He said your doctor lied (the BC doctor who isn't BC that I suspect is bipolar). I said he didn't lie, and the other acc't rep said I would defend my doctors to the end, even my derm. That's my job - I defend them to the end because I represent them and they need to be "marketed". I hold the "talent" that they need. They go where I ask them to go most of the time, and they know that.

I'm starting to think that "my friend" is a big reason of my frustration at work. He's the one that gives me the information about the girl lead recruiter getting to be Senior, he even knew that I felt like quitting if she became Senior first, and even knowing that, he then told me she had said she would have 177, then 199 days filled in a row. (You have to have 175 three months in a row to become Senior) He makes a point of telling me how Ter. and this girl go to these Recruiting leadership meetings, and just on and on about this same girl. He never really tries to talk me out of quitting. I think I'm going to stop talking about quitting to him. He's always talking about "if everything goes through, I'll have 170 days". Well hell, if everything went through for me, I'd have a million days filled. You just don't count it that way. I know he'll tell this girl everything I've ever said about her, and I think they're starting to get close now. They're on the same team, and they sit one cube away from each other. Maybe she'd never let that happen. I can't see herself letting my friend into her circle of friends. I need to stop baring my soul to my friend, and stop listening to him about doctors. I'm very modest about who I place, yet he loves to brag about it. I need to put some space between us, but I'm not sure how. I sent him a few messages on Friday, and he never answered me. I wonder if he's not speaking to me, or if he went home on Friday. I think he's pretty jealous. I told him about our VP telling me he would be "devastated" if I left, and how our Recruiting RVP asked me to lunch, when he's complained many times before that she has never asked him to lunch. I saw on the training schedule for a new Account Rep that the girl lead recruiter, Ter., and the other guy lead recruiter were on it to train a new Acct Rep, and my friend wasn't. I didn't tell him, but was tempted to. He so wants to be a trainer, but the way it looks, the other guy lead recruiter will be a trainer before my friend will. I asked my friend how he would feel about that, and he said he would be insulted and never ask to train again. I think that just may happen, actually.

I got upset that I lost two long term doctors last week. One was May through September, the other was June through December. That's 40+ days per month. That's HUGE. And who knows about Dr. Fr.

I did apply for several jobs online, because now I can't keep my resume online.

At home, my fiance has been doing a lot the chores. He does the dishes, the grocery shopping, picks up, I don't know what else. I need to call and hire another house cleaning company. No one actually CLEANS, if you know what I mean - like the bathrooms, and hasn't in about 6 weeks. Gross, I know. It doesn't seem so gross, it's been so much worse.

He's going to be 30 on May 15, and he's so depressed. He's really taking it hard, because, believe it or not, he really thought he'd be a millionaire by now, and instead, he's taken a demotion once he got laid off and took his new job. He's worried me a few times he's been so depressed. I don't even know what to get him for his birthday. Any suggestions?

I bought about 4 Ralph Lauren t-shirts a piece and he actually walked off when I was buying them. The idea was that we wear t-shirts every day when we get home from work, so why not buy nice t-shirts for both of us that will last for a long time? He was mad that they were $30/piece. Because he was standing there initially, the sales guy was able to tell me what size he wore. He actually put them in a bag and put them back in the car, and I think he just kept them because he was too lazy to take them back.

My life is pretty boring except I HATE WORK. And I think I'm gaining weight, yet all of my clothes are too big. I tried on new dress clothes at the mall, and I now wear a size 8, yet I couldn't find anything that I wanted to buy. Nothing fit "just right". Everything looked like it needed to be tailored. I can't really go shopping today because I know I've gained about 10 pounds lately.

Blah blah, I miss my dog tremendously. When will I stop missing Cody? Never? It will be 3 month on the 13th?

That and...I'm become a Republican on the immigration issue. I've never really agreed with the Republicans on an issue before. I think it's how I grew up in Hays when we had immigrants from South Vietnam settle in our little town and how I watched them buy new Trans Am's with the money the gov't gave them. I was too little to form an opinion of my own, so I must have heard that somewhere. But now I think - for the big protest, walk out on Monday - the parents are going to pull their kids out of school. What I want to know are illegal immigrant's kids going to school to begin with - unless they were born here? Are we paying for them to go to school? That's all I can think of, they must of have born on American soil, and in that case, their parents have lived here illegally for an awfully long time. What is good for Mexicans should be good for all immigrants. I don't see why it just applies to Mexican illegal immigrants. But then again, I don't believe in new laws for illegal immigrants. I say...punish the companies that hire them. If there weren't companies hiring them to begin with, they wouldn't be coming here to work.

That's it, boring weekend, and I don't want to go to work tomorrow. We start this stupid contest on Monday, and I'll have to work really hard. I told an owner from an IT Recruiting company that I would interview with him next week, but how can I now with this contest going on?

My Work Nightmare Experience

I am still in shock about what happened at work on Monday (or Tuesday? I'm lost).

I went to pick up a document I had printed, which just happens to be on the printer next to my VP, and I'm sure I said something to him if he was turned my way. Knowing myself, I probably said something just to say something as I walked past.

We talked, I don't remember the subject, but then he patted the chair next to him and asked me to sit down.

He asked how things were going with the girl lead recruiter's trainee, who my friend and I had both gone to him about and complained because she complained or my own trainee complained to me that she was being rude to her or not helping her. I said I guessed everything was okay, I hadn't heard anything more, but I'll go into that later. So he continued...

He asked how things were going with me, I said, okay, I kept losing "days" and then regaining them, and he continued and said...

"the reason I ask is because HR found your resume, and it was updated and on Monster and I wanted to know what was wrong?"

I was in shock, what could I say? I had been very careful and not used my name anywhere on my resume, only my cell phone # and email address (which is part of my name and kind of obvious).

So I told him about my fiance getting laid off and helping him with his resume and said I'd just put mine out there but I wasn't looking for a job, everything was fine, what could I say? Now really, what in the world could I say?

He said they knew it was my resume because of my corporate recruiting experience and where it was, etc. etc. Afterwards, I thought, why didn't I lie? But it wouldn't have mattered, the resumes would have matched up anyway.

So he started in and asked what was wrong, what had he done wrong, he would be devastated if I quit (no, I'm not delusional, he actually said devastated), and had he not told me I was doing a good job often enough? What was wrong?

I didn't know how to answer him. I just told him that yes, he told me I was doing well (but does he really? I don't know. I know he likes me and I really like him as my VP, I respect him a lot and it kills me to think that I hurt him) and I just kind of stumbled through the situation until it came to an end.

What in the world do you do when you're blindsided like that? All I could do was try not to be speechless, to make words come out of my mouth that made sense.

So now what do I do? Of course as soon as I got home I took my resume off of Monster and Careerbuilder, and I feel trapped. I'm stuck there, right? Because how in the world can I ever leave there now? If I take a long lunch, he'll think I'm on an interview. If I call in sick, he'll think I'm looking for a job. What a nasty mess this has become.

And to top it off, today was a horrible day. Our Wednesday regional meetings have turned ugly and negative since the RVP was promoted from Director to RVP, and I feel incredibly demotivated after each and every one. I realized today that when I "crashed" exactly two weeks ago from today, it was on a Wednesday afternoon, after a Wednesday regional meeting, and I felt the same way I did today. And BOOM, I went home, and didn't go back at all for the rest of the week.

Today it was so bad that I took a Geoden, and I NEVER EVER take Geoden during the day. Then it was all I could do not to get up and walk out the door and never look back. I was anxious and angry after the meeting, I took the Geoden, and then I was anxious and angry, as well as wanting to crawl into bed and sleep and eat and eat.

At 2:30, I literally did not think I could take it. I couldn't make another cold call, I couldn't stay in that office one single second longer. I was going to get up and walk out the door and not look back. It's not like I'm the only one. 2 Recruiters just quit yesterday out of about 13 of us. And now the girl lead recruiter's trainee, my trainee told me today, wants to quit because of her. So that's 2 Recruiters down, and 2 of us that want to quit. That's just the ones that I know - how do I know who else wants to quit? My friend doesn't want to quit - he loves it when I hate my job, I just know it. He probably wants me to quit so he can get my doctors when they are reassigned and make that much more money. He's my friend and confidante, yet at the same time, he's my competition, too.

So I was THIS CLOSE to walking out the door, and I called my fiance to tell him what I was about to do. He didn't try and talk me out of it. He said it was my decision, even though he hates his job so badly. I sat there, and at about 3:25, I thought, well I'm just going to leave the office and go to my car and take a break - take a little nap or something, because that's better than quitting and never coming back. So I did, and as I was on my way out, my fiance called on my cellphone, which he never does during the day. It was almost psychic. He asked how I was, and had the most interesting advice which may not seem so interesting, but I didn't realize what I was doing until he said it. He said "you need to decide what you want to do, because you can't work on getting promoted and at the same time be looking for another job. Resign yourself to one or the other. If you're going to look for another job, then who cares if they think you're on an interview. Your main objective is to stay employed and keep getting a paycheck while you look for another job." I hadn't realized I'd been doing that until he said it. But he was right, that was EXACTLY what I was doing. I was trying to work really hard and get promoted, and at the same time, get the hell out of there and get another job.

I talked to him and did take about a 10 minute nap, and walked back into the office about 30 minutes later. I told my friend what my fiance had said and that it was an epiphany to me, and he asked "so which one did you decide to do?", and I said "how in the world can I tell you that?". I'm kind of mean to him sometimes, I don't know why. I just am because he lets me be. I decided that I'm kind of mean to him today, but I was in a bad mood today.

It started out bad. I started to cry about my dog on the way to work, and once I got to work, I sent my VP a scathing email once our call activity came out and I saw how much more activity the girl lead recruiter had than I did (about double), while I was training her trainee. It made me really mad, so he got a nasty little email from me telling him where my time was being spent, and why her new trainee was doing better.

He never did respond to my email or come over to see me, so I take it he didn't want to discuss it just like I wish I had never sent it. I'd love to take it back, but as a bipolar, I know once I hit "send", it's gone. Oh my, how many emails have I sent that I wish I could take back - a hundred maybe? Probably this whole website one day when someone I work with discovers it.

Oh, I don't know if my doctor is bipolar, but the site didn't accept him because he wasn't BC, in case I forget to mention it.

I was almost home from work, and my song came on...."Bad Day". EVERY SINGLE LINE IN THE SONG made perfect sense for how I was feeling. Even a few lines that I never got before...I "got". I thought "This is SO ME right now". Doesn't everyone ever feel that way? That is SO ME? I do that all the time. That is SO ME. Well...that was SO ME.

That's about it - my work nightmare that I've got to wake up to and try to motivate myself to go back into the toxic waste dump. That is so...NOT ME.

I'm Prejudiced Against Bipolars

I've decided recently that I'm prejudiced against others who are bipolar.

Some work events with physicians, that I'll explain in detail later, have made me realize this.

I read this Bipolar Forum, and truthfully, sometimes I go there to "lurk", and when I post, it's when I'm feeling something overwhelming and need feedback. I'm sure many are that way too. I find a lot of "regulars" are bipolars who are sick just feeding off of each other, wanting to stay sick. Seriously. But...that's what I have to compare this to - some really sick bipolars.

I don't know any "well" bipolars. I can't say I'm "well" myself. I take my hundreds of pills every night, and my 5 pills every morning like a good bipolar, but this journal has proven to me that being bipolar DOES affect my everyday life, in a major way. And that is the whole point of this journal.

If I knew someone was bipolar that I worked with, I would probably be prejudiced towards them and just wait for them to "act out". Whatever they did, I would attribute it to them being bipolar.

Why am I the most unaccepting of the mentally ill when I'm mentally ill myself? Is it because I'm mentally ill and know what I'm capable and not capable of?

I don't want to be prejudiced against people who are bipolar, but it doesn't help when every violent crime on the news is committed by someone who is "bipolar off their meds". Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't believe every psychopath is bipolar, and I don't believe every bipolar would be a lunatic if they didn't take medication.

So how did this happen? Why am I realizing this?

This all started a few months ago, and I may have already explained it. I was talking to a surgeon who had his state license stipulated that he could not practice surgery until another surgeon of his type came forward and "vouched" for him. He was bipolar, taking a small amount of Wellbutrin and 100mg of Seroquel. What started the incident was, apparently, he was upset about the midnight/morning shift, lost his temper, and later attributed it to his bipolar disease. He said his medication was no longer working, but went through the state's mandatory program to practice again after getting a med change and being monitored for a long period of time. Personally, I think it was the REASON he used that he lost his temper that got the stipulations on his license, and not that he lost his temper. However, I don't know the details of what all went on during those tormented times for him. How long had his erratic behavior been going on, and what all had he done where this was the final climax in front of his peers, the hospital staff and the patients? And even in the OR? He's on this ridiculously low amount of medication, and has been for several years, but he doesn't even KNOW of a surgeon of his type to meet to get to know who would eventually go forward and "vouch" for him. He's in financial ruins. He asked me if I knew of a surgeon he could meet, but I don't, and tried to research the situation, but what doctor comes forward and claims they're bipolar? Talk about ruining your credibility! Well, with this surgeon, we couldn't work with him because he didn't fall within our medical malpractice insurance guidelines. He was over the limit, meaning his "payouts" for malpractice (which aren't always necessarily the physician's fault) were too high for our insurance to approve him. This is not totally uncommon, and I don't *think* I attribute this to his being bipolar. But being bipolar DOES affect your judgement...I don't know? I just know I couldn't help him or work with him.

Yawn! The latest installment is a physician, who I'm suspicious of, and I'll tell you why, who told me he was Board Certified. To be board certified, you take these intense tests - the oral part, and then after you have a caseload of x amount (usually 1-2 years), you take the written tests, or is it written then oral, I don't know. Well, he told me he was Board Certified for a government job. It is MANDATORY that he be Board Certified. He told me that in a bad divorce, his ex-wife ripped up his original BC certificate, and had a letter from the board stating he was BC. I couldn't verify it online, but didn't really think much about it. Quality Assurance (who approves for medmal) called and said they couldn't verify it, but it didn't matter, they would still approve him for medmal.

So I got curious and called the government credentialing department and spoke to the guy there. He was unable to verify either, on his paid site, using his Social Security #. You know if you're board certified or not. We both called the board, and he was able to get through and found out there was "activity" in 93 and 95 (they would not tell him what the activity was), but he was not board certified and would need to take the orals and written to be so. I remember asking the physician very clearly in the beginning if he had retaken the tests, and he said no, he didn't live in a place where he needed to do so. So why did he have activity with the board in 93 and 95? The letter was dated 2001. The gov't credentialing person asked the board "what about the letter we have?", and was told that was a mistake and it was sent to the wrong person (same name, wrong person)

I know, long story, but it's weird. I called him, and relayed this information. I kind of asked questions, then answered them myself, such as "Is there a 10 year rule in your state?" (meaning, do you have to retest after 10 years), and then answered it with "maybe that was the activity in 95 and it expired in 2005". Why didn't I just ask him if he retook the tests and passed in 93 and 95? He just took my word for it and said he'd go with Board Eligible status. I mean, he's okay with that? After being so positive he's Board Certified and sending me this letter, going through the process to get it? Surely he was certain in 2001 he was Board Certified that he WAS BC or he wouldn't have requested that letter, right? So why did he so easily say, okay, I'll go with the BE status, then, knowing the government mandated BC status, and he REALLY wants that job? Did he lie to me and now he knows he got caught? If you go through all of that work to be BC, why would you so easily give it up? Wouldn't you say you'd take it up with the board yourself because you really are BC?

So I started looking through everything he sent me - things I never pay attention to - like Continuing Medical Education courses to get your state license renewed. Physicians typically take CME's in their field - an OB/GYN would take courses relating to updated procedures, attending OB/GYN conventions, that kind of thing. But here's the weird part.

He took a CME in "Diagnosing and Managing Bipolar Disease" and a CME in "Coping with Stress and Anxiety". Then my mind went wild. Was he never board certified and used poor judgement to tell me he was? How did he really get that letter? Is it really true that he had NO malpractice in 20 years? Is he even a surgeon? Did he take that class because HE is bipolar, and this is just one domino about to fall on a score of more? Why would a surgeon take those courses unless it was for personal reasons - family or yourself?

And here's the thing - if I knew a physician was bipolar, would I go, or continue, to see them? I don't think I would. As a matter of fact, I know I wouldn't let a bipolar surgeon cut on me while I was "under". What if he had thoughts of grandiosity, thinking he could do something easily that he really couldn't? I started thinking of all the ways I was actually prejudiced against myself.

It makes me sick to think that I think these things, but what can I do? I guess go to Bipolar Support groups, but won't they just be sick, too?

I need some positive reinforcement in my life, but who is healthy, happy and bipolar, and comes out and says so? Even Patty Duke fell off the wagon, didn't she? And a counselor told me that a leader in the field of Bipolar disease committed suicide unexpectedly one day.

I go to great lengths for this disease, but in the end, will the disease end up getting me? Will I be tortured by it forever? I can't live a normal life. Every day - at least twice a day when I take my meds (people even make fun of other people who say "meds") I'm reminded that I'm bipolar. I can't just forget it and life can go on.

What am I supposed to do?


Okay, Back in the Real World

Okay, I'm back, I think.

I'm out of the fog, for now. It only took until 4:30p, and maybe an extra Aderrall (I can't remember if I took one this morning, I think I did, but not 100% for sure), but now I'm back.

I feel anxious about going back to work. What if they fire me? I can't worry about what's already happened. It's in the past, done. If they fire me, they fire me.

I crashed, and I don't know why. Maybe it was everything that's happened in the last few months. Cody getting sick and passing away (dying - gosh, that makes me want to cry), Mark losing his job, all the stress at work, and trust me, there is a LOT of stress.

All I can do is move forward, so forward I must move.

On a happier note, I got the books I ordered from Amazon: The Prima Guide for the Sims 2 Open for Business which I'm TOTALLY obsessed with, "Recruiting on the Web", which I found doesn't have much in it that I haven't already figured out for myself, and of course, my bipolar books which will take me awhile to wrap my head around.

The first one is "An Unquiet Mind". I started to read it, but after the first two or three pages, I can't really relate. It hasn't pulled me in yet. How much do I have to read? I thought I'd pick up the book and it would just scream ME and I wouldn't be able to put it down.

The second one is called "Bipolar Advantage" which I'm about to pick up. It looks very interesting, yet formidable. Advantage? Yes, I know that there are many successful bipolar individuals out there. There are many talented bipolar individuals who, just like me, have experiences just like I just got through these past couple of days.

A crash every 8 or 9 months - that's not so bad, is it? Is it really? If it's only every 8 or 9 months, surely I wouldn't lose my job, would I? What if I crashed on a Thursday, and just missed Friday and went through it Sat and Sun?

I guess I need to discuss this with my doctor next time I see him.

I feel positive about the whole thing now. I just crashed, and now I'm okay.


Out of It

I am really out of it.

For a few days now, I haven't gone to work. I haven't been sick, and I really can't think of an excuse, except Mark saying "that's what vacation is for".

I've taken all of my nighttime meds during the day - actually doubling up on them, and then doubling up on them again to go to bed. I slept during the day, and then at night. Now it's Saturday, and I was going to go into work and catch up, but I can't. I'm completely out of it. Earlier, I felt like I had to keep myself from slobbering all over myself. Okay, maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but it was pretty bad. I took an Adderrall, not sure if I took on this morning or not, but pretty sure I had, and went back to bed, just to lie there, hoping this fog would lift. I just got back up, and am still pretty much out of it.

Everything is so boring, but I can't really do anything in public, and I'm so sluggish. Even typing this, my fingers feel so heavy. And I'm so hungry! I ate 2 pints of ice cream yesterday. Every single day, I have to have ice cream. I want some right now, as a matter of fact.

What is wrong with me? Did I just crash from over-working? I know why I took so much medicine, at least I think I do. I was just bored, and wanted to sleep it off. Why didn't I just go into work, I wonder? Maybe it wasn't because I was just bored. I don't know why, but obviously it was to keep myself from thinking, but thinking about what? I just remember being bored, and thinking about work, and not wanting to think about work.

Mark said he's going to call my doctor on Monday and tell him what I did this week - with my medicine and not going to work and jeopordizing my job. I suppose I could be fired, yes? He thinks I shouldn't have access to that kind of medicine. He won't call my dr - there's really not that big of a problem, and his first day of work is Monday. But I don't really have a choice regarding the medicine, I have to have access to that kind of medicine, and I didn't overdose on it like he did on a bottle of port and an entire bottle of xanax to where I had to call 911. He's ridiculous for comparing the two. I couldn't even shake him awake, and the behavior went on for months. He's an addict. I' escapist?

I can't take any more Seroquel or Geoden or Zonegran right now because I'm just too out of it and I've got to snap out of it somehow. I don't like thinking, though, and there's nothing to do but think, and I'd really rather just go back to bed and sleep. I would honestly just rather take more medicine and go back to bed and sleep today away too, although Mark says I sleep the day away, get up and eat huge amounts of food, take more medicine, and go back to bed. I know he's right.

But that's all I want to do right now. I don't want to think - and that's all there is to do right now. It's so boring, I just have thinking to do, and that's it. Everything else bores me.

What's wrong with me? What will I have to do after I hit "publish post"? Be bored with my thoughts and want to escape somehow? Or is it my thoughts that are scaring me - like trying to go back to work and afraid I'll be fired? My credibility has been ruined?

I've Been Bad

I've been very bad.

I didn't feel very well last Weds, and I left late Weds afternoon. To be fair, I thought it was Thursday afternoon. Anyway, before I left, my team was giving me a lot of pressure for finding an ophthamol. right NOW for Indiana until July, and I couldn't. I had said I could, but then I couldn't. They were really pressuring me. But I guess I was the one who said I had someone, and maybe had I if I had had the practice description a few days beforehand when I was talking to these physicians, I might have. The pressure was on, and I couldn't find anyone. And the RVP for the MW came and talked to me about "perception". I hadn't known my doctors in the meeting for Iowa. So I won't do or say that again. Anyways, I just felt all this pressure, and the new guy found a spot for an OB in Ohio, I needed to get Dr. Fried. approved for medical malpracice insurance with his issues because my Div. VP booked him for a 4 month job and started licensing for CT already. My whacko Derm. wasn' showing up for meetings with Adv. Derm. and they are thinking of never using our company again because of him, and the Salesman really pitched him for that job. So it's my problem and I know I keep saying "that's Dr. F", and now no one will use him. I shouldn't have said that. I should have stuck up for him. Hopefully he made it to the meetings.

So whew! On top of training someone, keeping my numbers up and trying to make Senior first, watching out for the girl lead recruiter and keeping on my best face, I crumbled last Wednesday. I had a bad headache, and left. This is Friday afternoon, and I haven't been back. I've been out over 2 days now. I'm scared to go back now, but I really crashed hard. I took my nighttime medication and just went to bed, slept until Thursday, called in, and still had a bit of a headache and laid around the rest of the day. I meant to go in today, and I got up and started to get ready, but I was so tired that I just went back to bed, then called in at 8:00. The Recruiting RVP wasn't there, so I called the other person on her team, and I hope he told someone.

So I've been a bad bipolar. I've missed over 2 days of work, and why, I don't really know. I really did need to leave Weds, and I probably could have gone into work yesterday afternoon when I felt better.

I've been eating sweets like there's no tomorrow. Every day now I crave them. I blame that on not being at work. At work, I feel so anxious that I don't even eat lunch, and when I'm at home and not work, I don't even eat.

Yes, bad bipolar, bad. I crashed, and now I need to pick myself back up, and hope I still have a job. Forget about being first in anything, worry about the person I'm training and my credibility at work. A lead sales person just quit last week, so maybe they'll cut me some slack and hope I don't quit, too.

I just now took my bedtime medication again (1:15 in the afternoon on Friday) so I can just go to sleep and not worry about this. I think I'll eat a bit more ice cream until I get sleepy and then go to bed.

I'll go to work tomorrow (Saturday) when no one is there and pick up some hours.

Today is my fiance's last day at home before he starts his new job. He also has 3 interviews lined up with high executives for a VP job with his previous company. We'll see how that goes. Maybe I can just quit my job then.

Good and Bad

It happened again.

Last Friday I got up and was gettiing ready for work and could hardly keep my eyes open. They kept trying to close on me, and when I was still in the bathtub, I realized I had the "Seroquel hangover", and there was no way I could go into work like that. When I'm like that, I end up swerving all over the road, barely escaping accidents, and then at work I'm sure they can tell there's something wrong just by looking at my eyes. I realized that the night before I had taken my nighttime medications at 9:30 instead of my rule of taking them by 8:30p.

So I got out of the tub and went back to bed to sleep. This was around 6:00a. I woke up at about 7:30 just fine, called in at 8:00 and said I'd be late. I was at work by 9:15, so I was an hour and 15 minutes late. I'm now training a person (which is good - I can be promoted much quicker this way), and went to check on him, and they both asked me where the "screening clinic" was going to be held. A screening clinic is where it's one of the Recruiter's turn to bring in a tape - a "screen", or if you're a lead recruiter, some other type of conversation, for everyone to listen to and comment. It seems to me like it's gotten really negative lately, but that's just me.

It was a close call, because I was supposed to be leading the Screening Clinic on Friday at 9:30, and I totally forgot! Had I gotten there just 20 minutes later, it would have been a disaster. I had taken my time that morning because I was already late - stopped at Starbucks, etc. There are now 13 Recruiters on the team, and it seems like a lot.

On a better note, my fiance found a job. He had several offers in about 2 days, and took one with an airline company. He's not happy that he's not a "Director", and will continue looking for a job. It pays the same, he is more of a developer, however he is a "lead" over other developers (he hates the term "lead") and he likes what he'll be developing. That's good, because he's so picky and it's hard to challenge him. I'm submitting his resume EVERYWHERE. It's my only chance to get the heck out of this state. If he got a really good job outside of this state that paid well and had the "title" he wanted (I know, so ridiculous), I know he would move. I would love to move anywhere but here or anywhere in the South. He got a job offer in Chicago, but said it was too "cold" there. He said he wouldn't move. I said for $200k a year as a VP or a high level architect? He said then we'd have to sit down and discuss it. Of course he wouldn't be offered $200k a year, but I'm really grasping at straws here (is that the saying?). I guess he could be if the cost of living were higher in that area. The only problem is I don't want to leave my house. I love our house - we built it and picked out everything about it. I don't even know if we could sell it. With our credit, I don't even know if we could buy another house. Depending on where we moved, I don't even think we could afford one? Maybe we could - what's the difference in price between renting and owning? The monthly payment would be the same.

I'm eating a lot more and sleeping a lot more on the weekends now. Is that a sign of depression? I'll never get below 134 now. The chances are that I will be above 134 when I weigh next month the way I've been eating.

And I've been having my moments of getting mad and not getting over it. I was trying to talk to my fiance last night, and he snapped at me and said "I think you just exist to interrupt things that are pleasurable to me". Isn't that mean? I thought it was VERY mean. No, I didn't yell or scream. I almost started crying, but instead, and I never do this, I told him I just didn't exist to him anymore, and proceeded to ignore him. He apologized, and I ignored him. He shut off his movie, and I ignored him. Everything he did and said, I didn't even acknowledge. He said Goodnight and started going up the stairs, and I just ignored him. He said it in that way he says it - when he is really sad and feels so bad and hopes I'll forgive him, but I didn't acknowledge him. I considered sleeping in another room. Normally, when one of us says we're sorry, that is all we need to hear. But this was just too much. I know I interrupted him a lot because I wanted to talk to him yesterday, but all I wanted to do was talk to him, share things with him, that's all. Is that so bad? I finally started talking to him this morning, but only because I was going to get breakfast, and there was something leaning against my car in the garage that I couldn't move, and needed his help. I asked him to help me, and he jumped right on it. He fixed it for me, and asked if I wanted him to drive me. I thought, might as well, so he drove me, but I stayed in my angry mood and didn't talk to him, commenting "I only exist to interrupt things you find pleasurable" when he tried to talk to me. Now I'm speaking to him, but only because I wanted to let him know I was buying a few books from Amazon.

I bought the Bipolar Advantage, an Unquiet Mind, and the Prima Guide to Open for Business for the Sims 2. I'm totally addicted to the Sims, and always have been, way before 2 came out. My fiance calls it my "dollhouse", but I don't care. It's too fun, and it gets me wrapped up in something besides work.

My resume is back online, I'm freaked out that the girl lead recruiter will become Senior before me. I had a great month, just a few days away from reaching the beginning of becoming Senior, but my friend said he overheard our DVP talking to her about becoming Senior and who was close. He said he only heard another recruiter's name, which is weird, because he is probably the least of the lead Recruiters. My friend also said he was on the phone and couldn't hear the conversation,though. I already have an email asking for an interview with an IT company (this is Sunday, I just posted it Saturday night - last night), and my fiance said it's a good company because he got several calls from them. He didn't take any jobs from them because they were all development jobs, but that shows they have a lot of acccounts.

That's about it, except I STILL miss my dog terribly and find myself crying a bit now and then. It will be 2 months on the 13th. I told my fiance (before his nasty comment) that I wanted a dog for my birthday (in August), because I know he'll get me anything for my birthday that I want to make me happy. It will be 6 months that Cody passed away by then. He did say today (but remember, he's still in the "dog house") that maybe we should just go ahead and get another dog because I'm still so sad about losing Cody. I know he's sad too, but he's already talking about what to do with his stuff that's in the formal living room (the Cody "shrine"), saying we should keep a few things and have the rest of it "carted off". Cart off Cody's things? The first thing I said was "what if he comes back?". Now I know that sounds ridiculous, as if Cody will come back. Okay, now I'm starting to cry again. I knew it was stupid when I said it. But that's so final - to get rid of his things. I won't use them for another dog, they're Cody's. But I can't throw away his blankets, his bowls, his toys, his bones, his "things". I told him if he can do it, then do it, because it needs to be done, but I can't even go into that room. Okay, I'm crying now, so I'll have to stop talking about Cody.

Thanks for listening, dear blog...

I Tried Again

I weighed again as soon as I got up. Same thing. 134. I can't believe I only lost 1/2 pound for an entire month. I guess I need to start really buckling down now to get to my goal weight of 124.

Mark was made a job offer yesterday that he hates. I told him not to take it. He may never have this opportunity again - where he has a few months to just search for a job and find one that he really likes. I don't particularly like it - it involves 100% travel, and is quite a paycut from what he was making - 96k. Don't get me wrong. If someone offered ME $96k/year, I'd be jumping for joy. I definitely wouldn't be looking down my nose at the offer thinking "they think I'm only worth 96k?". But he doesn't like the actual job, either. It's not Director level, and it's working with technology he hates. I told him not to take it, and as the saying goes "never take the first job you're given". I now see the reasoning behind that. If you take the first job you're given, you're always wondering if you've settled. Granted, most of the time you don't have the luxury and have to take the first job you're offered, but at this very moment, he doesn't HAVE to take that job. In a month, I may be singing a different tune. I'm not worried about money. Yet.

Which reminds me. Maybe I've never really explained my job very well. I place physicians - surgeons - in facilities on a temporary basis. They need an OB/GYN to fill in for a weekend, a week, a month, a year, whatever, and I find that physician, and place them there. Yes, there are really physicians willing to do temporary work. We cover their medical malpractice insurance, which is a huge benefit, travel, lodging, license them in any state, blah blah. I won't go through my whole sales pitch. Anyway, Dermatologists are hard to find. VERY hard. I worked with one who had a suspended license (our medical malpractice insurance almost NEVER approves a physician whose license has been suspended in the past), among other things, and I worked very hard to get him approved. My own VP had to take it to the Risk Management VP's level and do an "override" to get him approved. He worked, maybe, 20 days for me. To put it in perspective, I make $8.50 per day filled, plus $100 per new doc (a new doc counts as one that works 10 days), and $300 if I meet my goal of new docs per month. Then there's a team goal $450 a month, and it adds up really quickly, especially since I'm at about 140 days filled per month now, on top of my salary. Oh yes, so my Dermatologist. We've had LONG conversations, I've treated him like a baby, listened to all of his whinings, doctors can be such a handful. Trust me, they have just as many, if not MORE problems than anyone else. I was an "operator" to him and the account reps, he had my cell number so he could call on the weekends to chat, it was just ridiculous what I did for him. So yesterday, I found out he took a PERMANENT position with a client I was trying to place him with. Normally, we get a perm fee. It would have been 7.5% of 30,000. Except! The client claims that they interviewed this doctor for a perm job a couple of years ago, so we didn't really present him to them, they already knew him, so the perm fee doesn't apply. So I've lost my long term Derm AND the $2500. The Sales guy told me, best case scenario, we get a $10,000 perm fee, maybe 2 weeks of locum tenen work out of him, and that's it. Best case scenario. I'm so mad. I feel betrayed, but in his situation, I would have done the same thing. What happened to him?

His license was suspended, so he had no job, he couldn't practice in Florida, and lost his Derm practice. The suspension is a long boring story. He got his license back a year later after petitioning the board and a $5,000 fee. His wife divorced him, and won $200,000 alimony/year + child support. His income was $0.00. They've gone back and forth on this, and a few weeksago, after 4 years of court battles, she finally won. $200,000/year alimony for her, child support for her kids (must be astronomical if the alimony is $200k), and he said his attorney bills are $10k/month. The sales rep and account rep kept asking me if he would say "I want to work with " to the client because of my relationship with the doctor. I kept telling them no, and cited his financial problems and that if I were him and were made some kind of offer, a relationship with someone wouldn't mean anything when it came to paying bills. $1000/day is nothing compared to what he's probably making - $300k - $400k/year. Derms make a lot, even in the chop shop where he will be working.

I'm just crushed. All of my hard work for NOTHING. If he calls me, I don't even know what to say. I don't want to tell him about the reputation the company has that he will be working for, because that would just be unprofessional and I'd be a poor sport. All I can hope for is that as the Derms get tired of working where he works, that he give them my name. I may wait a few weeks, call and tell him congratulations, and ask him if he could give them my name for referrals. I was thinking this would be a long term deal - that this doctor would work there for months and I'd be paid for months, but no, they had to hire him, knowing about his suspended license. I'm really pretty upset.

I'm also training someone at work. He's going to be awesome. I'm actually learning from him, and he's been very inspirational to me so far. If I can keep his motivation up, he'll be very successful. He's been in the recruiting industry for long enough that he knows how it works very well. I'm quite impressed. I just hope he has the patience and doesn't expect too much too soon.

Other than being disappointed about my weight loss, that's it. I look in the mirror, and it LOOKS like I lost weight this month, but I guess I really didn't. Not that I'm obsessed or anything *cough* *cough*.

I'm all about obsessions. I'm obsessed with everything. Work, my weight, Mark's job, what people think of me at work, just everything.

Guess it's time to get ready for work. Today is actually my "late day" (I work 9-7 on Tuesdays), but my trainee doesn't have anyone to sit with from 8-9:30, so I need to be there for him to sit with me.

Talk to you soon, dear blog...

Weight - Try Again?

So I weighed myself this morning, and weighed 134. That means I only lost 1/2 pound in a month. But I feel really bloated this morning. I think I'll wait for a morning when my stomach isn't all pooching out and weigh myself on THAT morning and see what I weigh.

Flashback of Sorts

Today I had a flashback of sorts. Mark and I were playing a game called "Hear Me Out!", and he had to give a 45 second speech of what he would say if his neighbor's dog came and dug up his prized roses. He comments included putting the dog to sleep, which reminded me of our horrid neighbors before we bought our house.

In the house we used to rent, we had neighbors that didn't like our dog. He really didn't like them either. If Cody had been able to get past that fence and to them, he would have eaten them alive. They tried to make friends with him, thinking that he would get used to them, but he didn't. That wasn't Cody - he didn't get used to strangers. So whenever they were in their backyard (they had a pool), Cody would bark. Mark would then call him in, and that would be that. If Mark wasn't home, I was more lenient. I would let Cody bark and bark. He was, after all, a dog, and it WAS our backyard as much as their backyard was their backyard, so why couldn't my dog do what he wanted? Mark would get frustrated with me when he was home and I would let the dog out knowing the neighbors were outside, but I really just didn't care what they thought. I loved my dog, and anyone who is reading this would probably already know that.

One day, I got home from work, and there was a long note on "Happy Valentine's Day" red and pink paper with hearts stuck on our front door. It talked about Cody, how he barked, and went on and on about it, and said how he could use a shock collar to keep him from barking in the backyard. I saw red when I read that note. It was from the wife. I turned the pages (yes, nultiple pages) over and wrote my response, while still "in the moment". Comments such as "buy a shock collar and put it on your own neck" were used, and who knows what else, I was FURIOUS. It was one of those times when I was so mad that no one could have calmed me down, and I was going to do what I needed to do. After writing my note and getting ready to march over there, I decided I didn't need to leave a note, I was going to say what I needed to say face to face. I was going to TELL them to buy a shock collar, or I'd gladly buy one for them, to wear around their necks. That's when Mark got involved. He had planned on throwing the Happy Valentines Day note away and just forgetting the whole thing, but the idea of me marching over there with or without that note in that furious state put him into motion. He told me I was too upset and I would only make things worse, and he would go and straighten it out with them. I wanted to go, but I admitted, I really was too mad, and I wouldn't be able to keep my nasty comments to myself. Just the sight of them might get me pulling hair and scratching body parts of the woman who wrote the "Happy Valentine's Day" message. I was ready to go to blows over that, and that is SO not me. I'm the person "faking the smile" and saying thank you, "please", "may I", "good morning", and "see you tomorrow". I'm always OVER polite. I don't know what was said or done, but he was gone for a good little while, and when he got back, whatever he said to me (I don't remember, this was probably 5 or 6 years ago), it must have pacified me. To the day Cody died, in our huge backyard, Mark still called Cody in when he started to bark. The neighbors didn't even care - they are so far away, but he was so conditioned to calling Cody in when he barked because of those horrid neighbors, that it made him on edge to let him bark. A dog is a dog, and they are going to bark. It's not like it was 10:00p at night. Cody was never outside past 8 or so.

Furious moments like that flash back to me now. A kid at Target bagged my purchases, and then didn't hand me my bag, which seems to be the custom nowadays, but it wasn't two or three years ago. I was furious. It seems so small now, but I thought, what horrible customer service this is, that a little light bag can't even be picked up and handed to me, who does he think he is? I had to keep my mouth shut and actually get up when Mark was eating crackers next to me and I could hear him crunching them. I was FURIOUS. I thought it was obvious to him how much noise he was making and he didn't care what I thought. The worst times are when I think Mark, poor Mark, the ever faithful man, is cheating on me. What I've put him through is horrible. It's been a long time since I've had an "episode", and I think it's because my meds are working. He's been out of town at business dinners, and I've called him on his cellphone 20 times in 15 minutes to yell at him about having an affair. I've gone through his wallet, his desk drawers, his office closet, tried to get into his Palm Pilot, tried to read his email, every violation you can think of - and then scream and yell at him. The worst time I think I had a right to be mad, even now. He had asked me to go to a business function with him, but it was a NASCAR event. I mean really - me? NASCAR? I had absolutely no interest, and this is when I felt really fat, too. And I was, I was up to about 165. He came home and gave me a NYPD cap, which I thought was really sweet. This was right after 9/11, so it meant something. A few days later, I found a card with his keys and wallet that thanked him for the NYPD cap, and how she would always wear it with pride. She had signed her name, and OMG. I tried to stalk that person like you couldn't believe. Supposedly it was a client of Mark's business, and he told me the name of the client. The client's business was small, so I was able to get the last name, and then find out her phone number somehow. Talk about stalking. I called and asked for her, but just like Mark told me, she had just been laid off because they weren't doing so well. (Time had passed from when I found the card and when I tried to call her at work). I still think I had pretty good case on that one.

When I fell on my knee on Friday, a big hole wripped into my hose, and it bled all around the hole, and then the scab started through the hose. When I got home and tried to take off my hose, I realized the scab was OVER part of the hose. All I could do was use scissors and cut around the hose to get it off of me. So now I have this huge wound with a scab, and panty hose sticking out of it, curling up all around the edges. It looks pretty gross. I can't just pull it out because that would be wripping off the scab and it's HUGE and incredibly painful. It's painful just to stretch my leg out, and I wonder if it has something to do with the hose blending in with the scab, and I hope it's not mutating with the new skin that forming under the scab. I might go to the doctor except...I HAVE NO INSURANCE! I don't think it's normal to have pantyhose stuck under your scab, but Mark says it will fall off when the scab falls off. How does he know new skin isn't forming over it?

Today is Sunday night, and Mark has made a ritual of making spaghetti on Sunday nights. He used to love it when I made spaghetti, now he just makes it for us myself because I never make it anymore. I just don't cook, and that makes me feel bad for him. I would be huge if I did, though. I really feel like I just can't eat if I want to be thin, so I don't. I do eat a tiny serving of Mark's spaghetti when he makes it, and then after my Seroquel, I end up getting a large serving. So I DO eat it.

Tomorrow it's back to work, and back to anxiety-ville. I guess I have a new person to train, don't I. I hope he's incredibly successful and doesn't quit. Wouldn't it be cool if the other person did quit, but my trainee didn't and went on to be very successful?

Talk to you again soon...looks like I'll be up an hour earlier tomorrow because of DST.
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