Just Woke Up From Nightmare

I just woke up from a nightmare. I used to keep a dream journal, and I thought, why not mix it with my day journal?

I had done something. I don't know what it was, but something bad in Mark's and my relationship. Only it wasn't Mark. And I was really me, althought it didn't look like me. Mark was Mark, but he didn't look like Mark - he was younger, thinner, kind of scrappy, and had most of his hair shaved off. The light was eery in the room, like when there's a thunderstorm and the lightning keeps hitting, except the lights were out, and there was a continuous lightning bolt. The windows must have been open with billowy drapes, because I think I remember wind and the drapes blowing in towards the rooms.

He came out me and surprised me. He said "Maybe you..." and I don't recall how he finished the sentence. He then threw what appeared to be paint pan at me, meant to hit me hard enough in the head that it would kill me, but it didn't. But he was ready. He then said "And maybe you...", again I don't remember how he finished the sentence, but this time the paint pan had some punch to it, as it had extra weight of some sort attached to the bottom. Somehow I remember him walking towards me, and him saying "Oh no, now it's going to hit me.....!", and it did as it bounced back towards him. I looked, and he lay there with his eyes wide open, a big bruise on is face, his eyes glassy, looking towards the ceiling. Again, this wasn't really Mark - it wasn't HIM, but it was supposed to be him. I was relieved I was still alive, and I cried a tiny bit and stood up to pick up the receiver of an old time wall phone and dial 9-11. I called them, then turned around, and he was gone.

It was as if I was dreaming the movie Halloween, only I was being hunted by Mark for some freakish reason I don't know.

He came at me again, throwing things at me. He tried three more objects, and again I managed to dodge them, and we were both okay. For some strange reason, I than began looking for ground coffee that I could purchase, but I wanted one that we would both like - his, strong and bold, and for me, an added taste of vanilla.

He caught me off guard. I was leaning against the bed, and he started his litiny and beginning of objects. This time, the third object was a freakish example of a chainsaw, and as it turned towards me at an angle, I realized I probably couldn't dodge this one and he was going to be successful in killing me and then...

I woke up with my heart pounding, and lump in my chest, and so frightened that I didn't know if I should scoot closer to him, or not. Even closer to him, it still left my back unattended to and vulnerable, do you ever feel like that when you're so scared?

I came downstairs to write about my nightmare, and I never realized how many windows we have that don't have shades. Either they are in places that cannot have shades, or they are pulled up partway, or something is keeping them from completely blocking all outside view. I was keenly aware of this, as I am now aware of every sound, and that I cannot see what is directly behind me. I keep looking behind me to see if anything is there, and see the backdoor with the glass window that is simply clear glass, not shaded.

I haven't had a nightmare in such a long time, and it's very bizarre to have one about Mark. I don't know that I ever have had one.

I wonder why...but it's also so much easier to analyze in the morning.

Now I just have to climb back up those stairs and get back into bed and convince myself that no one is going to kill me, ever, especially the person sleeping with me in bed.

Why was he so mad at me? Was it my last blog entry?

Is this just the beginning, or the end?

Is there an inevitable train wreck in my near future?

It seemed simple enough. Mark and I were going to the Angelika to see "Thank you for Smoking". How convenient! It happened to be a few steps away from my new office building, so I happened to get a few shots of it while I was there. The movie looked semi-political to me, Mark loves to smoke cigars, we heard it was funny, but we waited too late to see it at a mainstream theater. So we went downtown to an independent one - where I prefer to see movies anyway, but the thought of an independent, a TRUE, non-mainstream independent film sends him scurrying to a corner in fright. I think "Requiem of a Dream" gave him nightmares, perhaps, and I just kept dragging him back anyway.

I checked the internet, it was to start at 2:20p precisely. We approach the window to buy the ticket, and there isn't a sign for the movie. We look at each other, and I comfort him, as he is taking in the reality that he may, oh my heavens, have to see an independent film that hasn't been researched on the internet by him, and ask the nice lady what time our film starts. She drops the bomb. That movie isn't playing. I ask what is playing - and get the playbill.

The next movie, as it so happens, is about what he found so objectionable in Requiem of a Dream. It is called "Clean", about "Heroin Junkies". Great. I read it, quickly said "it looks good, let's go", but he hesitated. He said "here, let me see that..." accusingly, and took it out of my hands. He read it, looked around as if there were somewhere he could escape, and said "what do you want to do?". I thought to myself "are you crazy? We drove 20 miles to get here, and we have two choices - see a movie, or don't see a movie and go home". But independent films, which I ADORE, are a touchy subject with him for some absurd reason. After walking up the stairs, down the stairs and to the parking lot in a tiff (that would be me), and back up the stairs (after he felt guilty), he finally agreed to see the movie - his idea. I felt like I was suffocating.

The movie was uninteresting. Your typical independent film watchers were there. And per usual, Mark doesn't order movie popcorn at independent film theaters. At mainstream movie theaters, he doesn't care what the movie is. He will actually go to the movie JUST FOR THE POPCORN. It's as if being there is disgusting to him. Or perhaps the people there are unappetizing to him. It's bizarre.

The movie let out, and we're outside and the sun is shining - it's a beautiful day. So the next question is "What do you want to do now?". There are shops up and down the streets to explore, and I'm ready to go! But he's shuffling behind me. Not beside me even, BEHIND me. He's not offering where he'd like to go, what he'd like to see, just acting as if this were his duty. I feel...suffocated again.

I walk into the Gap, realize it's rude to try on clothes and have someone just stand there looking around, and promptly walk out. I look around the streets, there's really nothing that I see that he might find interesting.

And then that old feeling, that old thought pattern that used to haunt me so well, comes back. "What do we really have in common?"

So I launch my attack. "You're not spontaneous. You have to have everything planned out. If a movie isn't playing that you want to see, you just don't know what to do. You can't just go with the "vibe" ", I say. I say I want to walk over to the new building where I'll be working and get a few snapshots, and he follows behind. Once that is done, I ask "what do you want to do now?", and realize he's been asking what "The Premier Club" was that was on top of one of the buildings.

I say "let's go over there and see what 'the premier club' is". "NO" he says solidly. "Why not?" I ask. "Because I can go home and research it on the internet and find out", is his reply.

"But why? We're already HERE!" I demand. "Let's just GO! You can't judge the ambience from an internet page!", but he wasn't budging.

"He's holding me back"...is what I'm thinking. "But from what?" I argue with myself. "From doing what you want to do..." "But what exactly do I want to do?" "Who knows, you'll never know if everything has to be researched and planned out in advance" I keep reasoning and arguing with myself back and forth. My words to him are choppy and irritated, and I can tell I've hurt his feelings.

When we get back to the car, he lets me know how mad he is at me. Apparently while I was on my tirade, there was a woman behind me. I didn't know, and I apologized profusely. I didn't mean to embarrass him, and that is so NOT ME. He then tells me that seeing that movie, "Clean" was an action by him to show love towards me. "What??" I say. "It's work to you to spend time with me but you do it as a gesture of love?"

We then get into this heated debate, and I am biting my tongue, trying not to say hurtful things, but saying them anyway - "you're not spontaneous enough for me, I can't take having everything planned out in advance or we just go home. You're not adventurous - I thought you were a Boy Scout?". I was especially proud of the Boy Scout line, and he bought it too, exclaiming "I love being adventurous" at that statement.

This is my nightmare that I've had to deal with in every single relationship I've ever been in, and I think I can say it's been an issue in every single relationship I've ever had.

"We don't have anything in common." I believe it when I think it and when I say it. I know it will be hurtful, but I think I do it to push someone away before they push me away, perhaps? I see that we're not getting along, and I find a reason why it just won't work out in the long run.

I haven't done or felt it with Mark in years. I don't know where it came from today, why the oh-so-familiar "I'm suffocating in this relationship" feeling was overwhelming.

We haven't even argued - at least, raised our voices at each other for a length of time - in quite awhile.

As we were driving home, he said he was hungry. "Do you feel like a burger or Italian?" "How can you just do that?" I snapped. "You didn't research dinner on the internet first and set a time that you want to eat" I say nastily.

I can be such a bitch. We opt for a burger after several "whatever you wants" go back and forth, and have a pleasant dinner.

I just don't know why this feeling suddenly came upon me today. It scares me, this feeling of suffocation. But it didn't last long. At least I argued with myself out of it this time. In the past, I would have started crying, and ended with "maybe we should break up", expecting my partner to convince me why we shouldn't. But I didn't let it get nearly that bad.

I hope this is the start and the end of it.

Or is this just the beginning, and I'm beginning to get manic? God I hope not. But that's why I keep this journal....

50 Things About Me

Mark is watching War of the Worlds, which I didn't start watching from the beginning, so here's something I did to amuse myself...it's awfully revealing, though...

50 Things About Me..

1. My mother refuses to see me
2. I grew up in a house where pot was smoked every day, and I had to bend the spoons back to eat my cereal.
3. I have long legs
4. I think I’m unattractive, but really believe there’s a beautiful woman trapped inside of me, and if I could just fix a few more things about myself…
5. I could read before I started kindergarten
6. I have a trust fund
7. My dog died 3 months ago
8. I lied and said I had been a recruiter on interviews when I’d never done it before in my life
9. My fiancé has never seen me completely naked (to my knowledge)
10. I can’t tweeze my eyebrows correctly
11. I can’t stand it if someone doesn’t like me
12. I like to be the center of attention
13. I like to be the prettiest and thinnest girl in the room
14. I like to be the smartest
15. I don’t like to be told what to do
16. I can watch a real life murder mystery, but I can’t even listen to a story on the radio about animal cruelty without crying
17. I’ve been married and divorced
18. My fiancé is 7 years younger than I am
19. My fiancé and I have been together for about 9 years
20. I have been in an abusive relationship.
21. My fiancé is the kindest person to me that I have ever met.
22. I have been in a psychiatric ward for severe depression and anxiety
23. I used to scratch myself on the arms when I was upset with foreign objects until they bled. Physical pain was better than emotional.
24. I have a great phone voice
25. I am an overachiever
26. I don’t have any close friends.
27. My fiance’s family is closer to me than my own family, and that’s not very close either.
28. My dad is legally blind and weighs 350-400 pounds, and met his wife at Overeater’s Anonymous. She’s thin.
29. I used to be obsessed with Duran Duran when I was a teenager
30. I was obsessed with Constantine from American Idol.
31. My feelings are hurt easily
32. I lived with my friend and her family when I was 16 for 2 years. They kicked her out and still let me stay with them.
33. I have bad credit
34. I’m a member of the ACLU and a Democrat
35. I voted for Gore, Clinton, and Kerry
36. It takes me 5 minutes to put my makeup on in the morning.
37. I just quit my job. I got up, walked out the door, and never went back.
38. I start a new job in 2 weeks.
39. My uncle, aunt, and two other relatives committed suicide.
40. No one told me my mother was adopted until I read it on paperwork when I was 16. Everyone lied to me.
41. I have a younger half brother who is an attorney
42. I have a younger half sister that thinks I ruined her wedding
43. I rarely drink beverages that have calories
44. I weighed 175.5 at one point in my life
45. I wish I didn’t live in the South
46. I always worry what people are thinking about me
47. I want a Cartier Love Bracelet for my birthday
48. Or a new puppy
49. I hate that my fiancé will always be younger than I am
50. I love sweets

And I limited it to 50, so that's it! I think I sound so negative, though...maybe I should edit it and make it all positive...? Shouldn't I be thinking positive things about myself all of the time? Perhaps that's my problem, I dwell on the negative. I have to always have some drama going on in my life. But there IS always drama going on in my life, to me, anyway.

American Idol

So Taylor won! He's the "American Idol"! I only voted for him once, but I tried voting for him for about thirty minutes, and that's the only time I actually connected. I wonder, what will his "genre" of music be? I doubt it will be top 40. I wonder if it will even be adult contemporary. One of the reasons I like Taylor so much over the other contestants is that when he is singing a song, he really "gets" the song. He's not smiling inappropriately when singing a song about heartbreak, etc. He looks like he is feeling whatever the song is about. I truly fell in love with Taylor when he sang "You Are So Beautiful". I know Katherine sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" before he sang his song, but I was like "ho-hum". Sure, she sang it very well, but a "moment"? She created a "moment", as Simon said? I disagree. Mark, my fiance, loved it. He said he could picture himself listening to it in the car on the radio. Whatever. I saved that episode of American Idol on Tivo for one reason: Taylor singing "You Are So Beautiful". As soon as he starting singing it, I started saying "Oh my God", over and over, because he sounded just like Joe Cocker. (I had no idea who Joe Cocker was before this.)

It's just - what will Taylor be singing now? What kind of CD will he make? Will he be as entertaining when he's not "performing"? I do love his voice, but I just wonder about this.

Okay, sorry, had to get this all out. You should see me when "Big Brother" is on!

David, where I previously worked, sent an email to me that Joe, my previous VP, said he would recommend me to a place that he knew if I didn't already have a job. I quit on him! I called HR and just quit, no notice, I didn't even call and tell him myself. But there's no reason to give notice when you're a recruiter - if you tell someone, they just walk you out anyway. I thought that was very nice of Joe, he doesn't have to do that, but I let David know I just accepted an offer for a position yesterday. I know he's not going to tell David where the position is, because he won't want David to quit and go there. He would want me to call him and he would tell me himself. I know how these things work there. I took a bunch of medicine yesterday and just slept the whole day, and read David's message one of the times I was up, to eat, probably, and then went back to bed. When Mark got home, I told him what I'd read, but I wasn't sure if I dreamed it. He said "you definitely dreamt that". I thought so too, and went back and read it, and sure enough, that's what it said. Here's David's exact words (he doesn't type so well):

I'm glad you found something. Joe was actually asking me if you had because he has something he thinks you would be good at. He wanted to recommend you because he thinks you would in pretty quickly.

"in pretty quickly". I'm sure he meant fit in. After reading that again, now I wonder if it's recruiting still. If it's not, what is it? "something he thinks you would be good at". That doesn't sound like staffing when it is put that way. But what do I do - I can't just call and ask him, can I? I quit on him, and then ask him about a job? He's way too nice, I can't do that to him. Besides, I can't trust David, I shouldn't trust David. Although, why would he just say that? And why would Joe take a risk and say that to David?

I haven't taken a shower since before Tuesday's interview (and it's Thursday morning) since I slept all day yesterday. I'm pretty "ripe". I need to take a shower!

I do question one thing about my new job. I did meet with 4 of the recruiters as well as my new boss. The recruiters were a bit "snooty", and the location is in a really nice place of town, as well as the office is nice. I know myself, and appearance means a lot. Is that the reason I took this position? Because of that? I think that is the reason I took my last position, and look what happened. I ended up just quitting without another job to go to at all. The recruiters were very judgmental of me, and yet, I liked that? My new boss has gone on and on about how much the team liked me and wants me to be a part of them, yet I didn't really get that idea when I met them. One guy hardly looked at me and was very negative. I interviewed at this place once before, didn't get the job, and it was because the team didn't like me (because of technical skills, I was told. This time, I was told not to worry about technical skills). Yet...I know how important it is to the owner that the team like the person that joins them. They must give him the A-OK. Gosh I hope it's not like another staffing firm (well documented somewhere in my blog) that I previously worked (that's not documented on my resume, of course).

I guess I need to do SOMETHING, whether it's shower or whatever. In my new job, I'll have to be there by about 7:30. Since it's so much closer, I wonder if I can still leave at the same time...

I Voted on American Idol for...

Taylor Hicks! I could only get through once in about thirty minutes, but at least I feel like I did my part. When Constantine lost last year, my heart was broken and I didn't get over it for weeks. I know that sounds pathetic, but I was OBSESSED with Constantine Maroulis. I actually saw him in the audience on today's show, wearing a white jacket!

But I digress, I could go on and on about Constantine, and my addiction to him for weeks, where I considered therapy (seriously) is well documented in my blog.

I voted for Taylor to win American Idol. Now I just need to wait until tomorrow at 8:00 - 9:00 to see if I - er - he won!

What does YOUR dictionary say?

Just for fun, I looked up the definition of "liberal and "conservative". Because I'm lazy, I went to dictionary.com. Here's what it said:

Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.

Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change.
Traditional or restrained in style: a conservative dark suit.
Moderate; cautious: a conservative estimate.

From those definitions, I'm proud to be liberal. I just wish I didn't have to live this God-forsaken state with a bunch of ya-hoos. Even in a sophisticated city, the ya-hoo mentality is the same. Yes, NASCAR is still embraced.

Since being liberal is free of bigotry, does that mean being conservative is full of bigots? I would have to say so, knowing the conservatives that I do know.

However, if being conservative means tending to oppose change, how do you explain all of the new government branches we now have under President Bush? I see LOTS of HUGE GOVERNMENT under Bush, which is exactly what I thought conservatives were *against*, or at least what they told me they previously were. Obviously, I see cuts in domestic programs, but being endorsed by Christians is something I never expected.

"Tending to oppose change". That would sum it up, whether it be Republicans joining the KKK and walking down the street in Washington DC against people of color, or today's fight - gay marriage.

I tend to accept social situations more readily - let people be who they want to be, and of course it will not be a cookie cutter example of myself. Why should I expect everyone to be a white Christian living in this state? That would also mean they would have to be a Democrat, and as I look around, I see I'm pretty alone in that assertion.

God help the Muslims, and yes, there are Muslims living in this state who wear turbans, and the women wear their traditional clothing. Maybe it's not so bad living in this city because it's large, but even in a rural setting here, God help them. I can't imagine the discrimination they must encounter.

Thus, the conservative battle I must face on an ongoing basis - every time I turn on my radio after 10am and the traffic/weather "together" is over and I hear radical right wing radio shows, I'm reminded of where I live and how narrow-minded and hateful people can be.

Can't we just get along? As far as I'm concerned, I can't get along with someone who believes in hatred.

Job Offer

Today has been a good and bad day.

I woke up this morning planning on going to a Health Care interview, but couldn't find the building. I went to the wrong bank building. Although it is the largest building in the metropolitan city, you can't tell what building is the tallest when you're on the ground. Once I was there, I went to the floor, and the company was not there. I called the receptionist and said "I'm at the Bank...", and she said, "That's because we're at "Bank...". Oh, duh. I had 5 minutes to get there. By the time I got there, it was probably 5 or 10 minutes after my interview time, and I still had to find a place to park in this massive building, find the company through the maze of elevators (I've actually been there before, but I'm horrible with directions, etc.), and I knew I'd be at least 15 minutes late. In other words, I wouldn't get the job. I left and got on I-30, called the recruiter, and told her what happened. I didn't expect another interview, I just didn't want to burn a bridge. She said she would reschedule, I sent her an email, and she replied that they were interviewing other candidates. That's fine, I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in health care anyway, and I didn't really want to travel.

I did get a job offer from an IT company. 8 days after I quit my job, I have a job offer in IT, where I wanted to be all along, but in a company that actually ACCEPTS me. We'll see if they do. The base salary isn't huge, and it's a draw, but I'm hoping that they have high paying perm and consulting jobs. I was told that most make over $100k. It looks like I will get some good IT training there. I was also told that one person was making about $45k, and as long as he "stayed in the black", that was okay. The owner (I guess he's the owner? There's another company in Atlanta?) really wants someone to mentor, which is fine, I'd like to be mentored. I would NOT be happy making $45k. That would be less than what I was making where I left. I wonder how well I'll do at a company where everyone is just as talented as I am, but knows more about technology than I do. That's key - knowing more about technology. You have to really know the technology to be good in this business.

I'm anxious about going back to work. On the other hand, if I stay home, I'm going to blow up like a fat cow. I find myself eating a lot - like I've been eating lunch. My weight loss will stop. I was wearing shorts that HAD been loose on me, and now they're tight. It's only been one week! Or my underwear was, or something. I can't look at myself in the mirror naked and tell if I've gained weight or not. I can't be objective. I always think I've gained, and when the next month rolls around, I've always lost, even if it's been 1.5 pounds. I really feel like this time, I've totally gained weight, at least 5 pounds in the past week.

David and I aren't talking as much this week. He sent me an email on Saturday, and I didn't respond until this morning or Sunday, I'm not sure which. He said that where I used to work, they are now having an hour long meeting each week for trainers. It's about frickin time. It only takes everyone quitting for that to happen, I guess. Doesn't matter, I'm going to a REAL staffing firm.

My obvious first question needs to be "Do you have medical insurance?" Without medical insurance, I'll have to keep looking for another job. Since this is such a small company, will they be able to know that I'm bipolar?

So, I tried to go to an interview, I had 2 phone interviews, and I went to the grocery store. It's 3:00. Now what the hell do I do? I guess laundry.

Life as a housewife is B-O-R-I-N-G.

All Jokes Aside...

This has been a very trying time for me. The past 3-6 months has been hard. I realize this at times when I'm listening to the radio and hear songs that I've cried to recently over and over, and think "Oh my God, in a year THIS song is going to bring me right back to this place....". "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter and "Photograph" by Nickelback especially.

I seem to stay upbeat, but at all times, I'm just an inch within a tear, within breaking down and crying. I still miss Cody. I know, I whine and whine about him, but I miss my dog so much. He was with me for 9 years, everything reminds me of him. Mark was laid off from his job, how was that for luck? That's only been 3 months ago (maybe). He hates the job he has now, he's disappointed in himself, actually. It kills me to see him like this. I try to build him back up, but it's like he's "broken" and think this is where God wants him to be in the world. How do I argue with that? And then all of my hard work I put into my job and how much it meant to me, just to have it all come crashing down around me. I know, I chose to quit, but it was my psychological health over that job, it really was coming down to choosing one or the other. I was obsessed with my job, it was my "ego", so to speak, because I was doing so well, but in the end, I couldn't take it. It was too much. At least, now that I'm interviewing, I see the perception people have of the place I worked. They like to hire people from there because they view them as little "machines" - very hardworkers that are very structured. Hell yeah, we're something alright. Tortured, maybe.

I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to the current songs on the radio once I've recovered from all that's going on around me right now in a year or so without remembering the heartbreak of this time. My medications must really be working, because I swear, breaking down is always ALMOST RIGHT THERE. It's like something is keeping me upbeat and from losing it, yet I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I'm glad it's there.

On a funny note, I had another face-to-face interview today. It was all I could do to MAKE myself go. I had to take it in baby steps. "Just take a bath"..."just get dressed"..."just get in the car".."just drive to the destination"...even when I was sitting in the conference room, I was watching my watch, and I was thinking..."just sit here until 2:15, then you can bolt". The man came at 2:10, so I never got the chance to sneak out, and someone came and apologized to me twice. He didn't remember why I was there, he just had my name on his calendar and a time. I went into his office, and he made it clear that he already had several "excellent candidates", but I looked "great on paper", and someone would "snatch me up like that!" as he snapped his fingers.

But he started the interview anyway, and I talked. I didn't really want to be there anyway, so what did I have to lose? The interview shifted at some point, I don't know when or why or how. All of a sudden, he was putting his hand out for me to "high five" after my answers to his questions. Seriously. It was bizarre. I hate this, and this is the second time this has happened on an interview, but he told me to sell something to him. So I did, and it's so fast, you don't even get a chance to think. Last time, it was "sell this coaster on the table to me...GO!". Hell, I didn't know what to say that time. I picked it up and looked at it, and said "I don't know how to answer that, what do I say?". The guy just so happened to want to be my "mentor" (he said that to me, which is why I felt comfortable saying that), and he explained that I would say how it would benefit him in some way. So this time, I started telling him how Job XYZ would benefit him in made up ways, and I think that's when I got the first high-five. By the end of the interview, I was his confidante, and he was telling me all of the stupid things interviewees had done, they hadn't asked good questions like I had, hadn't had good answers, blah blah. So I went from "some company will snatch you right up" to Candidate Pool #1, and "I'd definitely like to have you for a second interview and have you talk to my boss as well". I guess that's what happpens when you decide you just don't care. I think I shocked him, though. He said "On a scale of 1-10, as a Recruiter, how would you rate - " and I interrupted him and said "A 10, without hesitation" firmly. He was taken aback and said he rarely heard that, even coming from seasoned recruiters whose job it is to interview every day and sales managers, how was I so sure? He usually heard people say..."maybe 9-10", even the best salesmen? I just said - because I'm very confident, and anyone that's worked with me will tell you I'm a 10 as well. I honestly believe that, that wasn't bullshit. My whole resume "on paper" is bullshit, but being a "10" as a Recruiter, that's true, and not grandiosity. I heard it from my VP many times. I asked him - why do you work here? Why do you like it so much? How much does the best paid person make here? I dunno, he said I was pretty much in his face, which people should be. He also said, I seemed too "nice". Interview #2 where someone said I was too "nice" to sell. I AGAIN had to explain I have a quiet persuasion as a recruiter when I'm selling a job to someone. Obviously I persuaded him, and the interviewer before him, so why are they saying I'm "too nice", when it works on them? The guy today said "sure, I get it...you get more bees with honey...", and I was like, whatever, that's not even what I'm trying to say, but if it adds up in your head, then sure, use the bee/honey analogy. I mean, I said that in my HEAD, of course.

So that was Day 5. I received an email from David about work, he still seems frustrated. I try not to "stir the pot" much. I try to be a friend, which the first few days, I have to admit, I was trying to get him mad at the "system" so he'd quit, too. But that's not very fair of me. If he quit, who would tell me what was going on there?

This weekend is the Wildflower Festival. Some cool artists are going to be there - like Bowling for Soup at 10:30p tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and Loverboy, Santana, old groups like that, too. I hope Mark will ACTUALLY want to get out of the house and do something FUN besides going to a movie for once. Not many would think this was cool, but I saw Don McLean perform "American Pie" live at the Wildflower Festival. I've seen everyone from U2 to Billy Joel to Nine Inch Nails to everyone in concert, yet seeing Don McLean play "American Pie" on his guitar was one of the coolest things ever. But with Mark, I usually have to DRAG him kicking and screaming to anything like that. He hates crowds. I love concerts and events outside. I went to them all the time before Mark and I hooked up. Now I never go and I miss it a lot. I'll mention it to Mark, and he won't say "no", but he might as well.

I Hate This State, and Conservatives

So I'm starting to wind down for the evening, thinking about going to bed, and Mark casually mentions the HPV Vaccine. I hadn't read the headlines yet today, and was very interested.

We talked about it, how it would prevent cancer in women, and then he had to lay it on me.

"Did you know that the conservatives were initially fighting against it?"

I said "What? Fighting AGAINST a vaccine? But WHY?"

"Because they believe in abstinence. No sex before marriage."

I was speechless. Of course I knew what the far right Southern Baptist conservative whackos believed, but to be AGAINST the HPV vaccine?

So I pushed on..."But don't they want to cure cancer?"

"Sure..." he said, "but they think it will encourage people to have sex sooner."

What? I wanted to scream. When has the HPV virus been introduced as a topic before having sex? My guess is that most people haven't heard of the HPV virus until after they GOT it! The only reason Mark knows about the HPV virus is because I had pre-cancerous cells removed after an abnormal pap smear, and I told him that my OB/GYN told me if any pap smear, given every 3 months for 1 year, did not come back clear, then we needed to have a discussion about HPV. They all came back clear, so we never discussed it.

On another note, my OB/GYN was convicted of a DWI, checked himself into rehab, went through a program for recovering physicians, was found with alcohol in his urine 2 days in a row, and his state medical license is now suspended indefinitely. (Being a physician recruiter, you find out these things. Plus, it's on the state Medical Board website, where people never think to look up their doctor and see if they have a disciplinary action.) I emailed him not too long ago, and he lost his home, his family, sunk into a deep depression that he said he was getting out of, and was now in the oil business in some way. Just a side note!

He was such a wonderful doctor, too, maybe the best I've ever had, but I digress.

So here's my hypothetical situation:

There's an HPV vaccine out there, and let's say it gets FDA approval, but the right wing whackos keep it from getting approved for use. A 19 year old girl saves herself for her wedding night, and marries a religious 24 year old man, who found religion later in life - we'll say at 21. He had a wild streak until he found God. So they have sex on their honeymoon and into their marriage. He passes on the HPV virus to her and she develops cervical cancer. She DESERVES to die, instead of getting the HPV vaccine when she was, say 15, when she had the opportunity to do so?

What kind of crazy, messed up logic is THAT?

Just when my hatred of everything conservative was starting to die down, Mark has to bring it back up in me again.

And all of those Vote for Bush left over stickers on cars in my state (everywhere) - in my pleasant dreams I'm keying those cars. Thanks for voting for Bush, moron. YOU got us where we are today, not me. The war, G. Bay, the world hating us and thinking of us as imperialists (and driving the oil prices higher), Hurricane Katrina and the lack of help, hell, I'll go out on a limb and say 9-11! Why DID Bush sit there calmly reading a book with that little girl when he was told planes just flew into the WTC? And why have we NOT found bin Laden? We know where he is, we just don't want to - and Rumsfeld SAID he knew where the WMD were, now he said he never said he didn't? I am so f'ing fed up with all the crap that I don't even care about the telephone surveillance. That's the last of my issues. And Mark actually did contract work for the NSA! Although I'm not supposed to know *wink wink nudge nudge*

Sure, there are crazy whacked out conservatives that drive me INSANE. Senator Santorum being the main one - comparing homosexuality with beastiality. That was precious. Makes you wonder what he does with his spare time alone.

I'm the crazy whacked out liberal that finds EVERY SINGLE EMAIL ADDRESS of every country's embassy, and email's them about a clause the UN has that they can use to vote AGAINST the war in Iraq before we went to war. I don't remember the clause # now, it's been, heck, how many years have we been at war? 3? The only response I got was from Cuba's embassy inviting me to visit the country. Precious. My own country won't even ALLOW me to go there.

My email address has been sold to every Democrat and liberal group imaginable. I probably get 10-20 liberal Democrat emails from across the country every day. I don't even read them. I must admit, I read the one today about Santorum. And I don't even live in Pennsylvania! I live in the middle of hell. That's what I consider to be my state. Try being a liberal Democrat in the cornerstone of the South.

If you don't already feel like a freak, you'll feel like one if you bring up politics and you're not a far right-winger, that's for sure.

My Interview Blog - Unemployed Day 4

Well, this is turning into my interviewing blog, isn't it?

I had a face-to-face interview this morning at 10:00a, but I blew it off. I didn't just NOT show up, I sent an email saying that I was being "pulled into a meeting" (remember, my story is that I'm still employed), and could I please reschedule? 10:00a is just way too early for me to interview. To actually be at work at 8:00a is a stretch, but I do it. Now to function at 100% capacity at 8:00a, that's just not possible. So taking a bath, dressing to a T, navigating myself through morning traffic to a foreign place for a person like myself who doesn't understand North/South/East/West, nor directions, and arriving by 10:00a is HUGE. Maybe you're thinking "how lazy, she doesn't really want a job". Yes, okay, I'll take the "how lazy" part. "She doesn't really want a job"...that's not true, I do. I'd prefer to have one later rather than sooner, but after giving it thought, that would mean a lot of rejection, which wouldn't be good for my always-fragile ego.

I DID make the 2:30 face-to-face interview. It went about as well as it possibly could have, I think. I met the owner of the IT Recruiting firm, and we both spoke the same recruiting/acct mgr "language". I think we both gave each other new, fresh ideas, actually. This is a company that I interviewed with about 18 months ago, and they turned me down. I really liked them, though, and asked the owner if I could re-interview with them again around Christmas, and he said I could, but then Joe, my VP, talked me into staying (without knowing I was thinking of leaving).

He talked and talked, asked me questions, I must have answered them right, and then he brought in four - yes FOUR - members of his staff to meet me and ask me questions - let me get to "know" them. That's very intimidating, to have four people judging you all at once. It was weird, I didn't like it at all. They all acted uninterested, like they didn't want to be there, except one girl. She actually used to work at the same company I just left! She told me all the bad things about where we worked, how the company was different, the good and the bad of the company, things like that. The three guys asked me typical questions "What do you think makes a good recruiter?", "as a Recruiter, where do you want to be in 1, 3, even 5 years?" interview type questions. The first question was why did I want to leave where I was, and I said the reason I'd made up, but the girl that worked where I did had pretty much already said why I wanted to leave, so that stopped pretty quickly.

Actually, I don't think that guy really liked me very well. And the first time I interviewed, I think he was part of the team that I met that time too, and he didn't like me then, either, was the impression I got. He had this bored, pained look on his face like he was waiting to see the doctor and didn't want to be there, and just a general overall negative vibe. He asked me 2 questions, and they were asked in a negative way.

I liked the others I met.

Then the owner came back, talked about the offices in the other parts of the country, and new offices opening, creating the opening and future openings, and we again got to talking about recruiting in general as a topic, not an interview issue. He's definitely a passionate guy, but who isn't when you're in a sales role when it comes to money? You have to be - that's all that drives you.

So he ended the interview with leaving the decision up to me. He said to think about it, and email him (we've been emailing one another about interview times, etc.) my decision, what I thought of the company and working there. He said he would like to have me there, barring anything the team might say (like that negative nancy guy).

I think I would like to work there, except the Health Care company sent me an email today asking if I could meet with the recruiters Tuesday morning. I kind of want that job, too. How do I put off the IT job until I meet the Health Care Recruiters on Tuesday to make a decision?

And should I take my resume off the internet? I'm getting calls and emails out the wazoo, and I just don't have the time for all of this. When I try to make appointments for next week, well that is just too far away, they are in a hurry, and I have to make an appointment RIGHT AWAY, they keep telling me.

I think the best thing for me to do is get organized, sort out the emails I have and listen to all of my voicemails, make a list, and start calling/emailing people back. There's no guarantee that I'll get either of these jobs, or that another job won't be better than one of these two, so I'd better start lining up more interviews.

So I've got one interview tomorrow morning, I need to set up one for Tuesday morning with the Health Care recruiters (although that job DOES involve travel which is an issue...), and see what I've got left. I need to decide if I want to accept an interview with the company I postponed for Tuesday afternoon, and see how fast my schedule fills up?

I wish I knew why that guy had such a sourpuss look on his face. Or a bored look. Or why he was so bored with a sourpuss attitude. That really puts me off about that job - one guy who acted or looked like something because God only knows why.

Personally, I think I'm doing pretty well for Day 4 of being unemployed. It's just...I haven't had a chance to sleep in EVEN ONCE. It would be nice to sleep in. I am, after all, unemployed.

And I didn't talk to David even once today! I have no idea how things are going back where I used to work!!! That's so not fair, I want to hear that they are doing terribly without me.

First Face to Face

Today I had my first face to face interview.

I didn't like it.

First of all, I thought I was going to be late, so I was driving 80-85 miles all the way there. It's about 28 miles from my house, so it's a long friggin' way away already.

I get there, about 10 minutes early (I don't know how that happened), and was told someone was still at lunch. This was at 2:00!!! And how rude is that?

Finally someone came and "interviewed" me, but it was in the lobby of the office. Supposedly the "conference room" was taken. She asked me a few questions, told me about the job, and then said I needed to talk to someone else.

The next person swore he knew me already. I'd never seen this person in my life. He sat down in the same chair - and remember, the receptionist is about three feet away while all this is going on, and I'm sitting at the edge of my seat, turned sideways so I can look at him, and he told me the base salary - it was low. He asked me if I could work for such a low base, and I said "that's in the zone". What am I going to do...say "no" and walk out the door before I even have the job? But I was thinking "no way am I taking this job". He then told me that his sales guys made $100 - 150k/year. I said "the FIRST year?" He said he sure hoped so. That wasn't good enough for me, but I was still pleasant, and as far as he knew, I was very interested in the job and the opportunity.

They had both asked me why I wanted to leave my current job (I've decided not to divulge that I quit my job - to look more attractive, I'm still in my current job, I've told everyone), and I give my bullcrap reason that satisfies everyone. He preceded to tell me how this job was different, I tried to interject how I really could relate to it, but he kind of ignored me.

He then said he wanted me to see his VP. He left, and a few minutes he came back and sat back down. I thought "well, it's over. I'm not getting the job. C'ya!" while, at the same time, even though I didn't want the job, wondering what I did wrong. It's one thing to reject a job, it's another to not be chosen. But no, that wasn't the case.

He said, and so did she, to think about the position, if it was something I really wanted. I said I would. He asked if I could come back on Tuesday at 10:00am to meet the VP, and if he gave his "stamp of approval", he'd like for me to start on June 19th, when the new office was completed. I said, ok - and thanked him. While we were finishing, another woman walked in the door, and the receptionist grabbed another chair for her to sit in. I briefly glanced a look at her. She was overweight, not dressed too terribly professional, and had long perm-y curly hair. I was less than impressed. As I was walking out the door, I heard him sit next to her and say "well I guess you already caught the tail end of that..."

Okay, so where I worked I was subjected to working in a professional environment, where I noticed on my FIRST INTERVIEW that everyone that worked there was beautiful. I'm not being a weirdo when I say that. A Maxim model works there, but it's more than that. Yes, a Maxim model works there, but she didn't stand out. When I was told that, I said "who?". "Her? Her? Her?" and I kept pointing to different girls to David. He finally walked me by her cubicle, and I didn't see anything special about her compared to the other girls I pointed out. I'm sure I would had seen her before, but the fact was, she didn't stand out to me compared to anyone else. That's just how it was there. They hired based on appearance, and everyone knew it - they said to each other you have to be really attractive to work there, even though it's so horrible of a place to work. Young-ish and beautiful. Now I'm not saying I'm beautiful, please don't think that. I think I was one of the ugly ones that slipped in somehow. But you KNOW that women who work together start looking like each other. They start dressing like each other, get their hair cut like each other, and in no way do I want to look like these women where I interviewed. I don't want to dress like them, I don't want to act like them, I don't want to BE them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them. They were dressed in business casual, I'm used to business formal. Maybe that was it. But it was their hair, their makeup, the way they carried themselves. I just don't want to work with them. NO CHEMISTRY. Why didn't the people who interviewed me see that? There was no chemistry between me and ANYONE in that office. I got small, quick smiles from everyone, but the office IS is in a gloriously beautiful building, well known in the area for its beauty.

I suppose I'm being snobbish. Heck, it's my third day of being employed, can't I be a bit snobbish? I don't want to turn into one of those women. I don't like what they had to do at that job. I didn't like the base pay. There was no chemistry. There's absolutely NO reason for me to show up to the 2nd interview. It's too far, even.

On another note, I have two face-to-face interviews tomorrow - one at 10:00a, and another at 2:30p. I'll be nervous about the 2:30p interview. I've been talking to the owner via email since before Christmas. I HAVE been there to interview before, wanted the job, and they turned me down cold. I sent the owner an email outright around Christmas when I was (the first time) unhappy with my job and just flat out asked for the job again, told him how unhappy I was where I was at, he agreed to see me again, then I told him my VP talked me out of it (which was true). He ate that UP, tried to talk me into interviewing for his company anyway, and I wouldn't do it. Now, after many conversations, I'm going tomorrow at 2:30, and what if they turn me down again? Or...what if I decide to take another job instead, burning this bridge forever?

I've been talking to David at my old job through email, and they're all fighting over my doctors. It's kind of funny. I didn't realize I was so admired. It's actually a big deal. I have an interesting look into what's happening after I leave on an hourly basis that most people don't get to see once they leave. Joe joked to David that Kelly was scaring all of the new people away. Yeah, real funny. She scared me away, too.

So tomorrow is Day 2 of face-to-face, and Day 4 of being jobless. We'll see if those go any differently. I hate being rejected. Oh, and I had a second phone interview today, and just didn't answer the phone. I don't want a base pay that slowly disinegrates until I have no base and am 100% commission, like they told me on phone interview 1. What kind of crap is that? That's putting too much trust in a sales team that I don't even KNOW.

And I have more calls to return for interviews to set up....I wonder how long this will go on until I'm hoping against hope for someone to call me back...

Don't think I'm doing all this and not getting rejected. I am. There have been 2 phone interviews that have ended in "I'll get this information to the hiring manager and see if they want to set up an interview" which means, thanks but no thanks. One was first thing this morning, but even though I have corporate recruiter on my resume, I've never been one. And it's for a tax company. I haven't even sent in my taxes for 2005, and it's May - what do I know about taxes? I am actually PAYING the IRS monthly payments. The other job - I think I answered the questions poorly. It was my fault. I interviewed poorly on the phone, like I interviewed poorly for the corporate recruiter position last week. I need to forget about being a corporate recruiter. I don't really want to be one, anyway. I want to make placements and be PAID for it, not because it's just my job. What fun is that?

Oh yeah, I ate the rest of Mark's cheesecake. :-)

2nd Day of Being Unemployed and...

...I like it! If only it weren't for the darned interviews that keep getting in the way of my day! I'm actually enjoying not having the stress from my job - it seems so peaceful without it.

I had 2 phone interviews this morning - one with an IT company, and another with a Physician Recruiting company, and believe it or not, I'm more interested in the Physician Recruiting company. I feel more comfortable that I know what I'm doing, and it would pay a lot more. The other would have me working from home for 6-12 months while they set up an office in the metropolitan city nearby, and to be honest, what do I really know about recruiting IT?

*sigh* The joys of the 2nd day of not having a job. I'm being kept busy, and keeping to a schedule of interviews (all have been phone so far, it's the in-person that I choke), but it's been a nice relief from that headache of a job. A big reason that I quit - Kelly (the bitch) is getting assigned my doctors that were making me money, meaning it will push her to making Senior that much quicker. I thought my friend David would get them, but obviously, they still want Kelly to reach Senior. It only validates even more my reason for quitting. I was right - there WAS favoritism for her. I've been emailing David back and forth since I quit, and he's pretty pissed because I thought, and he thought, that he would get those docs to push him to Senior. You never know, this may push him to quit, instead. I can only hope, but then, that would make Kelly all the more powerful. Why do I even still care? I guess it's because I'm talking to David. If I weren't, I'd be at peace that he was getting my doctors and making Senior.

I sent a memo to Joe, my ex-Divisional Vice President, in hopes that he would give me a good reference for any future job. Here's what I said:


Thank you for being such a wonderful leader - I stayed as long as I did because of you and Eileen. I'm sorry for leaving and hope that I did not upset anyone, and in any other environment, would love to have you as my leader again. Both you and Eileen truly care about each person on the Surgery Team, and it shows.

I think each recruiter left for different reasons, not one common reason that I can think of, in case you're scratching your head wondering what needs to be changed. You told me often that you liked my work, and I hope you knew that I liked working with both you and Eileen very much.

It would make me happy to work with you again in the future, if the opportunity ever arose.

Is that kissing ass or what? I only said that about recruiters quitting because, on top of the 5 recruiters that quit before I did, one quit on the Monday after the Friday that I quit. There are only about 40-50 people in our Division, if that tells you how huge of a mass exodus it is. That's over 10%, right? Surely he will give me a good reference after that and leaving him a kiss ass voicemail as well.

I think Mark had an okay 30th birthday. I went to Cheesecake Factory and had them make a cheesecake to my specifications just for him, but he didn't seem to impressed by that fact. I found this cool lap desk with a pillow underneath for him to lay his laptop computer on when he's on the couch instead of a throw pillow like he normally does. I also gave him all of these books on Cuba, and a book on writing Executive resumes. I know I'm a recruiter, but I don't know anything about writing Executive resumes. Sure, I can write my own resume and get a ton of callbacks, and I can write physicians' CV's, but I don't have a clue on how to write Mark's resume. He has a job interview today and I hope he at least gets a 2nd interview. He's so miserable where he works. I also told everyone that called to wish him a happy birthday not to tease him about turning 30. He always thought he'd be on top of the world - a millionaire - ready to be retired - by the time he turned 30, and since he took a demotion after being laid off, he's really depressed. I feel guilty about quitting a job I hate because of it, and he can't because he's the major money maker. Today I said "That would really suck if I ended up getting a job by the end of the week." He said "Why, are you crazy? That's the whole idea!". And I thought..."Did I actually say that aloud?".

Mark's cheesecake is beckoning to me from the refrigerator. I was HORRIBLE last night. I took my Seroquel and had about 3 pieces, plus 2 pieces of pizza. Thank God I bought the smallest cheesecake available. The weird thing is, no matter what I eat, I always lose weight, even if it's only 1.5 pounds in a month. I'm telling you, this Zonegran quits butt.

I think I want the Health Care job after all, but I have a 2nd phone interview (TODAY, at 4:00, and my hair appt is at 1:30, so I'll probably miss it), and I have to meet the recruiters. They have 3 Recruiting Assistants for 5 Recruiters, and a Credentialing and Insurance Department, so it sounds very similar to my old job, just without the bullshit. It sucks that I would get no commission from my first 5 placements though, but the base pay is quite a bit higher...

Here's for hoping my hair doesn't get screwed up at the salon today!

I'm a Bad Person

Well, I have been unemployed since Friday, and this is Sunday. I'm already bored. Technically, I still have a job since Joe, my Divisional VP won't let HR process the "paperwork" that I've resigned until he's spoken with me on Monday, I guess thinking he can talk me out of resigning. In actuality though, I'm unemployed. I've never gone to the pharmacy and refilled prescriptions so fast in my life! Who knows, I may not have medical insurance once the "paperwork" is processed. My medication is SO stockpiled that I have enough for months now.

I've been applying for jobs online, and I feel like I have this black, crusty, cruddy secret. I'm bipolar. No one would ever hire me if they knew that.

Being bipolar comes with so much baggage. I get "Seroquel hangovers" where I have to sleep in in the mornings until the fog lifts. I'm sure I'm moody, but I can't tell what is bipolar moody, what is menstrual moody, and what is normal moody. I keep wondering if that is why I am quitting my job.

Working regular hours with a regular job is a challenge, but I can do it. I manage it. I'm not perfect at it - far from it. I'll never get a"perfect attendance of the year" award (hey, how come I don't remember an award like that in any company since I was about 25? I'm not complaining, I'd never win, I just realized it).

I also have this whole bad body image issue. I realized it when I tried on what used to be my "fat jeans" from 10 years ago. They are size 3 baggy Levi's. I couldn't get them over my hips. I thought I had just gained weight when I bought them and thought I needed something that fit a little bit better. I don't understand how much more weight I have to lose? I guess I'll have to get down to 115, which is just great, that's 17 more pounds instead of 7. I know I should keep my goal where I made it when I was at 175, but I really thought at 175 that was where I would be at 125. I never used to weigh myself back then so I don't know what I need to get myself down to so I weigh what I used to weigh. I'm 5'7", and I realize that a size 3 is really small for someone that tall, but that's what I wore, and I still felt like I had a bit of weight to lose, obviously. I have this really bad problem with weight.

Even then, I can't let ANYONE see me naked. Yes, that includes my fiance of 9 years. I've never purposely let him see me naked that I can remember. We might have taken a shower together in the dark before - haha - kind of ruins the whole purpose, doesn't it? There are parts of my body that are strictly more off limits than others. I'll walk around the whole house naked when no one is here, though, but only out of necessity, not because I enjoy it. If Mark were here, I'd have a towel or a robe.

And then there's his whole diagnosis that I have "sexual anorexia". I did a search on it on the internet once and knew what it meant, but the meaning escapes me at the moment. He did a lot of research about me and my whole sexual hangups at one point, I guess trying to validate that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He never has, I just have a "bad body image" and never feel comfortable being vulnerable naked. But try explaining that to your partner and have them understand. We've been to counseling several times and this is always an issue that comes up. There is a solution that we've decided on, and he's acted on it, but then he stopped, and I don't know why. But...when I come to bed, I'm always drugged up out of my mind, so I can imagine it would be hard to make sexual advances on someone like that. If he's tried, I wouldn't remember it. And if he's tried and I pushed him away, it would have really hurt his feelings to the point where he wouldn't have tried it again. He is VERY sensitive about this issue. We used to have HUGE fights about sex. So what's changed, you're wondering? He takes Wellibutrin. Supposedly that's an effect of it, although he doesn't like to talk about it. Or, I don't know what else? I trust him, I don't think he's having an affair - the timing was exactly the same as when he started taking Wellibutrin. At first he hated that side effect, and then I think he decided it was good for our relationship. That makes me really sad though...

Now I feel really bad - to think I took away something so pleasurable away from him to endure being with me....I'm really an awful person, aren't I? It makes me so sad when I think about it. As sad as when I think about my dog Cody...

His birthday is tomorrow, and he's pretty upset about it. It's a milestone birthday. This is the last day of his 20's. And what is he doing? He's in the kitchen making spaghetti. Since I won't be working tomorrow, I should spend the day preparing for him to come home to something special, but I have no plans....what can I do that's special for someone who wants the whole day to go away? I've SOOO been there, year after year....

What Am I Thinking?

What am I thinking - thinking about going back?

I can't do that. All of those days just thinking about walking out that door. But there were good days too, yes? There were going to be 2 Regional meetings, which is what made me realize how much I was going to hate my job THAT MUCH MORE. I can't go back, I got to where I hated that place. I mean, I actually got up and walked out the door, I hated it THAT MUCH.

What good is a job where you sit there and tick off numbers for each call you make to be sure you make 100 calls each day? I never did make 100 calls every day - that was a rarity, although no one ever said anything to me about it. Even the other lead recruiters made their 100 calls each day, or almost each day, but I never did. Isn't that weird? Mark said it was because of my performance. Maybe my work ethic WAS good compared to others, like my Div. VP said, now that I think about it. I didn't surf the internet about personal things, I worked through lunch, things like that. Perhaps he was thinking of those things, and missing work he was attributing to being unhappy. Perhaps I'll listen to the voicemail again, write down what he said word for word and keep it in my blog for future reference as to what he said. But if I do that, and I listen to it, it might just talk me into going back again. He's really good at negotiating - that's what he does, and has done for a long time - we're in sales, right? That's how he's gotten where he is today. But if someone is unhappy, why wouldn't you just let them go?

I can't go back to that place. I hate it there. I do want a good reference from the DVP, though, and he was someone that I wanted to follow and was a good leader until he lost me with when the new girl quit after I told him 3 times she hated her trainer, David told him once, I told the MW Regional VP, and I told the Recruiting VP. There was nothing left for me to do. No one changed her trainer. No one did anything. No one listened to me. NOW Joe is listening to me. NOW it's too late.

I need to keep reminding myself that I can't go back. I can't go back. How do I keep from talking myself into not going back? I can find another job, a better job, I know I can. I have to, I just know it.

I worked so hard to get where I was at that job, but the girl I can't stand was about to be a senior recruiter, and I couldn't stay when that was about to happen. I think that's why David couldn't come in either. As soon as I validated she was about to become Senior, and he figured out that he didn't have enough sales in May to start his "senior run", that's when he got all depressed about the job.

He should be happy when he gets so many of my docs now, and that should push him to start his "senior run". I mean, I was ALMOST THERE. That's another reason my DVP is freaking out that I'm quitting, I'm sure. Kelly started about 6 months before I did, yet my sales were more or the same as hers. She definitely got competitive when I came around. Her sales didn't pick up until I started and surpassed her. I surpassed her FAST, too. I think that's when she started hating me. She was the "IT" girl until I started. Well, she can go back to being the "IT" girl. Heck, maybe she never stopped being the "IT" girl. Maybe that's part of the problem - I think *I* should be the "IT" girl, not her.

What do I do with all of my time now? I have 2 interviews to set up, but what else do I do? I could go to a movie, go to the pool and lay out and read a book or something, but I know I won't. I just don't want to take a bunch of medicine and sleep. Mark said I was slurring my words yesterday. He knew I had taken medicine and gone to bed. He always knows. I wonder if he knows because he knows me so well, or it's really that obvious. I hope it's not that obvious, because I called HR and resigned yesterday. If they could tell I was slurring my words, how horrible. I know that my voice was kind of cracking because I just woke up, so I had that "just woke up" sound, or maybe "I'm sick" sound, but I hope not "I'm all drugged up" sound.

I need to keep myself from drugging myself up and going to bed and sleeping the day away every day somehow.

I Resigned, and Then...

Well, I didn't go to work this morning. And I didn't call in, either. I got up, knew I needed to call in and resign, and tried several times, but kept getting put on hold when I called in and couldn't get Human Resources. I took 2 Geoden, 2 Zonegran, and 2 Seroquel, went to bed, woke up with my eyes wide open, and thought "what if they fire me before I can quit?", and tried to call to resign, and realized I was slurring my words, so I didn't quit at about 2pm.

Finally, around 4:30 or so, I called and spoke to someone in HR. I told them I wanted to resign, they asked me why - and we agreed it was the environment and people, and she said I would have COBRA insurance, with the plans mailed to me within 2 weeks. She was actually very nice about the whole thing. She said she would tell Joe for me.

I felt like a loser. I didn't have a job. Mark came home, and I don't know if it's because he's turning 30 on Monday, or because I don't have a job and just quit, or if it's my perception of myself and I'm very sensitive as to how he's acting towards me because I quit, but he's being kind of different. He says kind of hateful things. It makes me think he thinks he's just supporting me now, and I hate that. Or do I just feel that he feels that way because I feel that he feels that way?

Before Joe went home, he called me and left a message on my cellphone. He said he wanted to know why I was so unhappy and the only people that knew that I had resigned was himself and the girl that I had resigned to, and he had asked that nothing be put "in motion" yet. He wanted a chance to talk to me and maybe we could work things out and I would come back. Isn't that strange? I mean, I guess it's strange that I didn't call and resign to him to begin with, that I did to HR instead, but...he said strange things like my work ethic was excellent. Mark listened to the message and said that part was bullshit - my work ethic isn't excellent, and he's so right, I thought the same thing, too. I'm gone ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME. Mark made a point - he said what if, since this is a sales job, if he got me to stay just a few weeks longer, and I made just that much more money for the company, well it would only help him in the long run. I mean, there's no doubt he wants me to stay, and there's no doubt he wants me to tell him what is wrong, and I think the long message he left was very sincere. There's also no doubt that I want to stay more than anything and BE HAPPY there, not upset and hating it, wanting to walk out the door at the drop of a hat. I just got up and walked out yesterday, didn't I? I need to go back and read my own blog entry.

I wonder if anyone else has done this - just left and not gone back, then come back after Joe has talked them into it. If so, I wonder if they've ever been rewarded for it, like been promoted, etc. afterwards if they really stuck to it. What are the reasons I don't like working there again that I would tell him...uhmm...

MW Meeting negativity, right?
Kelly - but what would I say?
Cold Calls, but that's just part of the job, he can't change that. My question is, would I be okay with that part of the job if I liked it more?

Who knew this would even exist?

Mark was upset that I didn't answer my cellphone when it was ringing when Joe called. I somehow knew it was going to be work, and I think I even said it. Mark said "aren't you going to answer it? What if it's about a job?". I told him it had been ringing all day. Somehow I just knew. What if I had been confronted with all of this without thinking about it first?

The thing is, I do want to go back. I just want to go back and be happy.

Is that even possible? I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up this opportunity is what I'm thinking, but I'd also like to interview with Scott, too, and how can I do that if I go back to work?

Did I Just Quit?

Did I really, actually just quit my job?

It's about 1:00p, and I left work at 11:30a. I'm at home. I couldn't take it any longer. I actually didn't think I could stand it until 11:30, but I did. I just kind of stared at my computer screen, did the bare miniumum - like the final steps that needed to be done to get my doctor to start work on Monday (or Sunday, I don't remember which), picked up my huge umbrella on a warm, sunny Thursday afternoon, and walked out of the building. To anyone that knows me, that in itself is strange. I never go to lunch - I always stay at my desk and work.

I don't know what to do. I called and left the RVP a message that Mark was having car problems, but once I got there, I realized it needed to be towed, and I wasn't going to make it back from lunch on time and would keep her posted. Obviously, I'm not going back nor am I going to call her.

David didn't come in today either. He has been saying for the past 2 or 3 days that he keeps thinking he's going to stay home every day each morning, so I guess he finally decided to stay home today. That meant I had no one to vent to. He'll be better off without me.

Everything would be a-ok if I just knew about my health insurance. If I just knew I had COBRA, I would be okay. At least for a little while. I don't know WHY I didn't just take Mark's COBRA along with him. Maybe he can always switch to his company's, I don't know. Or I could always stop taking my medicine. But my health insurance is freaking me out. I should call and find out if I get health insurance on COBRA. I think Mark said it's the law, but is it really? I may have to wait until I have another job to get insurance? That would be horrifying.

On that note, I just took 2 Seroquel, 2 Geoden and 2 Zonegran. Just enough to knock me out like a light here in a bit.

Katina from the recruiting company called and said she was so sorry - she didn't know what happened with the interview and why I thought it went so badly. She said maybe he didn't feel well, but she hasn't had any feedback from him. The thing is, I don't know that I would want to work for that company. I felt uncomfortable there, being in a minority of people from India, as well as his own behavior. Mark said I just wasn't accustomed to that behavior, that it was normal - things like walking a guest out of the office. Do I really want to work at a place where I feel so uncomfortable? I don't really think he's right. I worked somewhere that a LOT of people from India worked, and they were WAY more polite than anyone else there. But...I don't know how they would have acted in that role. It didn't help that I couldn't understand what he was always saying either. Could I report to someone like that? I don't know that I could and be very happy about it.

I don't know that there IS a place for me where I can work and be happy. Maybe recruiting isn't a job for me where I can be happy. If I have to pick up that phone one more time and make a cold call I will freak out! There is NOTHING about the job I have that I will miss. Not even the people.

I thought that my DVP had my back, but in the end, he didn't, not really. That was the beginning of the end for me.

Maybe I'll change into shorts and go get some ice cream before I fall asleep. I hope I fall blessedly, soundly asleep for a long, long time.

Gosh I'm anxious about what I just did and what I'm about to do.


Well, I just got back from an interview.

It only lasted 25-30 minutes. The interviewer didn't even walk me out, and didn't ask me the questions the recruiter said he would. I would say I didn't get the job. He did ask when I could start - how much notice I would need to give, but I used to always ask people that, too, no matter what. Well wait, maybe not, but I guess, yes, if they had a job, I would. I asked how did he think I would fit into the team, and he said he had many candidates left to interview, and he would let me know in a few days. To me, that means I didn't get the job.

So back to Kelly, she's a bitch. She sent me an email, like she's my supervisor or something, saying I'm not supposed to recruit out of our company's database for a particular type of surgeon that we're "target recruiting" that I don't normally recruit. I sent out an email blast, but didn't even get one response back. Too bad she didn't think of it first, I'm thinking she's thinking. She's on her Sr. run - she had 195 days filled last month or something. I will honestly walk out that door if she's promoted. I haven't decided if it's when she hits senior, or when J. promotes her from Senior straight to Director, but either way, I'm out the door, and it's because of her and the cold calls. I hate her. I feel like quitting right this second. I guess I feel like quitting every second, but heck, I couldn't even get past this interview, so how am I supposed to get another job if I quit? I'd end up taking some stupid job I hated even more, I guess. There is another recruiting company that wants to interview me - an IT company that's commission based, too. I suppose I should wrangle a way to interview with them too, but I know they'll just say I'm not qualified in the IT department enough for the job. The "team" will decide it.

I hate my life. I have a headache because it's all I can do to not cry - I'm holding back crying, so it's giving me a bad headache. If I cry, it will just make it worse.

I'm not a Recruiter. I don't know what the hell I am. I'm skill-less. I have no skills, no talent, no anything. Who would want to hire me anyway. I'm stuck in this hell-hole job forever unless I just up and quit without a job or prospects, and then not have a job and won't be able to find one.

It sucks to be me, living in my own hell hole.

Yes, I'm having my own pity party, but that's what happens when you're tortured day in, day out, and all you want is to hide under the covers in bed.

And I can't really talk to Mark. He's about to turn 30 and having this mid-life crisis about it, and he hates his job so bad since he took it after getting laid off from his Director position. Who am I to complain about my job to him?

Ahhhh....sleep. What I wouldn't LOVE is to just take a bunch of Seroquel, sleep for hours upon hours, get up, eat ice cream, take more Seroquel, and let the cycle begin again.

For days. Weeks. Until I'm brand new again.


Unbelievable. I weighed this morning, and am at 132.5. Granted, I only lost 1.5 pounds in a month, but I've eaten like a cow. I've had ice cream all the time, eaten like a hog which I know I've mentioned in my blog. I was totally expecting to gain at least 4 pounds - 2 at the very least.

I truly believe it is the Zonegran. It metabolizes me somehow. I ate MORE this month, yet lost MORE weight. So bizarre. Not that I'm complaining. If I lost 1.5 pounds every month, in a year, I will have lost 16 pounds. 1.5 pounds may not sound like I lot, but when I started at 175 in February of 2005, it really adds up.

I'm not going to weigh myself again this time. I'm sticking to the 132.5. I'd rather not believe I actually went up like I think I should have. I'm also proud of myself for sticking to weighing myself just once a month. If I weighed myself every week, I wouldn't see the benefit of losing 1.5 pound weight loss a month. I would be discouraged. This way, I truly know I'm losing weight.

126 is still far away when I think of losing 1.5 pounds per month, but 132.5 when I was 175 probably seemed unfathomable, I'm sure...

Psychiatric drugs can really be a killer on your weight. I'm so glad my doctor finally listened to me!!!!

I Have An Interview

Well, it's not confirmed yet, but I agreed, by email, to an interview as a corporate recruiter at a HUGE consulting firm - 50,000+ employees. The drive would be the same - 30 miles one way, and it's in a very professional "district", all the big named companies are in this area of town. You name the big consulting/banking firm, and it's probably there. It's my "corporate culture" they are wanting. They want me to know the culture, and to be able to hire the culture. I didn't know this when I worked for a big-4, but once you've worked for a big-4 consulting firm, they all want you. I used to describe it as this: the company didn't really want a group of unique individuals, diverse in their thinking, and most DEFINITELY not in their acting. They want, what one described so well, "cogs in the wheel". Perfect cookie cutters of each other. I remember, on my reviews, being "innovative" and taking "initiative" on there, which I always scored the highest, yet - I don't know that they really wanted someone like that. They wanted someone to point out possible trainwrecks, so if that's innovative, and then alerting someone about it being initiative, well, there you go. You don't start working for one of these companies like already "brainwashed". You're trained, over time, to what is considered big "corporate culture", and companies salivate for it. Once I left and moved on to other jobs, I quickly saw why. I had a business acumen different than others. Things appalled me that some would do on a job, I didn't understand their unprofessionalism. Even the offices - I thought they were skanky and dirty, why didn't they look like my old company's? Didn't they take pride in where they worked? Where I work now, they definitely take pride and have their own company culture. So...I wonder if I'm that way too, again. Where I am, I think I've acclimated myself back into the corporate culture, albeit I've been pretty bad lately - a real big-4 would have fired my ass by now. They don't put up with shit. You're "counseled out" of the company pretty quickly once they've made their minds up.

The sad thing is, I'm going for a corporate recruiter position, highering intermediate to executive level positions. I've never ACTUALLY BEEN a corporate recruiter with the big-4. I TOTALLY MADE THAT UP on my resume to get recruiting experience to move into a new career. Yes, I worked at a big-4, but doing something completely different. I was a "liaison", if you will, between outsourced help desks - in the U.S., Canada, India, Ireland, etc. Yes, I interviewed people for positions on help desks, and even trained managers on how to do it. But I didn't RECRUIT anyone. Someone recruited these people for me, I had resumes to choose from, and asked the recruiter to schedule the interviews within my time frame. Do you see how far off this is from what I've actually done? But yes, now I can say I've recruited since then. But we're talking WORLDS apart here. I haven't had behavior management training. I haven't led a group of hiring managers to forecast their staff for the next year, and then build job descriptions for them to approve, and then for myself to search for these high level executives (and find them, God only knows where), interview them (that I can do), on the phone and in person, negotiate salaries with them, go over benefits, yada yada yada. I haven't done this. I've done background checks, yes. Reference checks, yes. I've even done drug tests, with someone holding their pee in a cup in front of me, and my watching the lines on the outside show if they had taken drugs. You can imagine my discomfort when the lines showed they had done drugs (which was once, and it was bizarre). I know people lie and the nicest, most clean cut person can take you by surprise and you can find out they served 2 years in prison for drug trafficking. I've seen that happen too.

How can I get this job? Do I want this job? I don't even have anything to wear. All of my dress clothes are too big, everything I wear to work is too big. I just tried on my suit that's a size 6 petite, and sure, I can get it on and zip it and button it, but it's obviously too small. And of course, I can't go to work on Wednesday with a new suit and take off for a doctor's appt. That's too obvious. I wish I was a guy that could wear a pair of pants, a shirt and a tie to work like everyone else, then just put on a jacket when I got out to the car. I don't get off work until 8:00p tomorrow night, so I guess I'll have to try and go to the mall during lunch. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I've never been to this mall by myself, and certainly not from work and during lunch.

I've missed so much work, but like I said, I've left myself plenty of room for interviews. Remember my wild stories? "I get migraines, and my doctor wants to change my medication, but wants me to meet with a psychiatrist first, and then go over a plan...", giving myself a good 2 to 3 appointments for interviews, I figured. And, since I've missed so much work lately, it would only make sense that I want to do this RIGHT AWAY so I don't keep missing so much work, right? Be very concerned about the amount of work I've missed? But geez, my DVP knew that my resume was on Monster. That's the kicker. How much worse can it get?

I'm kind of excited now. There's HOPE FOR ME YET! I will have no answers to the questions that I'll be asked. I'll need to study anything I can find on the internet. But I'll be meeting with the HR Manager, and he/she will be doing this on a daily basis, so they'll know I'm full of crap. And boy, am I really full of crap. Maybe I should start studying now....

I've really lied myself into a corner this time. But if I actually got this job, that would be amazing.

Fake Cows

I read a post on someone's site that reminded me of an event that happened several years ago. It makes sense to me, but it will probably sound crazy to anyone else, ESPECIALLY my fiance, who was directly involved.

We were attending a friend's wedding, in a small town in Oklahoma called Ardmore. I found a lovely bed and breakfast out in the country, and to get there, we had to drive past a small house with a fenced off area of cows.

As we were leaving the bed and breakfast to get dinner, I think I mentioned the cows, as I always enjoy seeing country type of living, growing up in small towns in Kansas. I looked at them closely, and said "Those are fake cows". I didn't see them moving at ALL, and I studied them very carefully. My fiance said "what's wrong with you? Why would they have fake cows?" I answered very curtly "for the ambience". So we argued about the cows. Why would they have fake cows, he would ask?

"I'M FROM KANSAS, AND I KNOW REAL COWS WHEN I SEE THEM, AND THOSE WERE FAKE COWS! *I* WOULD KNOW!" I heatily argued. I was ready to take him on, argue to the end, I was not going to back down. I was RIGHT, he was WRONG, and I wasn't going to listen to him, what did he know? He was a city boy from an upper class suburb. However...we are talking about life sized, multiple cows here. Why I thought someone would litter their land with fake cows, I don't know. Like I said...for "ambience". I'm saying this after the fact, of course.

When we came back from dinner, we again studied the cows. I'm sure it was a topic at dinner, we probably made a bet, that would be SO LIKE US. We watched them, and like I said, they weren't moving, and I proudly declared "you see? They are FAKE COWS", and my fiance just shook his head. He wasn't a country boy, how could he reason with me? He might have been thinking "okay, she's the expert, maybe she's right". It makes me want to start laughing just thinking about the fake cows.

About that time, something happened. One of them moved their head or swished their tail. Alas, they were REAL cows. Many of them, all over the field. I said ok, ok, they're real, what can you say? I was adamant they were fake, and they weren't. Quite frankly, I was shocked they were real. I mean, I was the self-proclaimed expert from Kansas about cows. I was actually crushed. I was wrong. How could I have been so wrong? I was from KANSAS, drove by cows every friggin' day.

He LAUGHED AND LAUGHED at me. "Fake cows, huh? You're the girl from Kansas and you would know, huh?" Boy, I got it good.

I remembered it last night, too. We were watching Saturday Night Live and Tom Hanks had an iguana. I studied that iguana on television, and it wasn't moving. It looked real enough, but it just didn't move during the entire skit, and I declared "that's a fake". It kept showing close ups on the iguana, and nothing. No movement. My fiance wasn't so sure, and thought it might be real. "But the eyes aren't blinking, it's not moving, it looks like rubber." We went back and forth, and at the end, Tom Hanks puts the iguana into the tank, and you can imagine what happens. It's little stumpy legs start to move to get better adjusted.

So I had to hear it all over again. "You're such the expert on fake animals, aren't you! Like the COWS!"

The cows get brought up again and again - in appropriate conversations. I don't think it's left our circle of conversation, but when a bipolar is CERTAIN and ADAMANT about something, don't argue, just accept it. I was ready to fight to the end, and might have started crying had he pushed it. I was devastated they were real cows.

NOW, in my mind, it doesn't make sense that someone would buy many fake cows and put them all over their land - even for "ambience", as I claimed. But it didn't matter. Once my mind is set on something, even devoid of logic, that's it. The sad thing is, most things aren't easily proved by the swishing of a tail or the moving of a head.

On another note, I've been feeling INCREDIBLY anxious lately. Yes, I've been taking my klonipin like I'm supposed to. I take the entire daily dose at once. I know the Adderral doesn't help - it actually creates quite an anxiety problem for me to begin with, but I simply can't concentrate without it. Today I thought - for just a tiny, fleeting second..."wouldn't it be nice if this feeling just went away...if I could just end it all..." My life isn't THAT bad..yet.

It's just that - the anxiety gets so unbearable that I don't know what to do about it. There's really nothing left for me to take for anxiety. I take a high dosage of Buspar twice a day, Geoden, Seroquel (but those two only at night, they don't work during the day and they make me eat like a hog), and klonipin. My doctor gave me two choices for anxiety during the day after my incessant, repeated complaining about anxiety appointment after appointment for at least a year and medication changes had been induced: Geoden and Seroquel, besides klonipin, during the day. Geoden doesn't work. I think I explained that in a previous entry my last experience with that. It just made the problem worse. And Seroquel - well, I haven't tried that at work, but I'm worried people would think I'm "strung out". I only take 100mg/day at bedtime, and to take 100mg at work would mess me up, I think?

At night, I wait until I take my bedtime meds to eat dinner. I'm so anxious all day that I'm not hungry and don't eat, except for breakfast. Once I take my meds, I eat. The disgusting part of it is once they've REALLY kicked in, I've been known to fall asleep, sitting up on the couch, with FOOD STILL IN MY MOUTH! Sometimes my fiance will wake me up, and he said it disgusts him (hey - he's entitled to his opinion, it makes him mad, and if that's the only drawback he sees from this illness, I'm a very lucky person), or I'll shake awake all of a sudden, notice there is still food in my mouth, finish chewing it, and go to bed. It's gross, and it's a bizarre feeling. I've never done that before. Fall asleep sitting up while you're chewing a bite of food? It doesn't happen often, but often enough.

I need to get a handle on my anxiety - I think that's why I get to such desperate measures at work - sending emails to my DVP, etc. Why should I care if someone else's trainee is about to quit? It's just a feather "out" of their hat, and one in mine when my trainee does well.

My friend is being given a trainee, and I'm happy for him. He keeps asking me for advice. This is a tricky area for me. I keep reminding myself of my team lead back at (the big 5 consulting firm) that I coached until he was in management, and continued to coach, even though we were at the same level, and he got promoted over me. It sent me, or contribued to sending me, to the psych ward. Work is INCREDIBLY important to me. I have to be FIRST, I have to be PERFECT (although missing so much work lately isn't doing so well in my favor). So asking me for help in training his trainee, when NO ONE HELPED ME train my trainee is asking for a lot. As a friend, I should help him. But help him how much? He said he's never trained anyone before. And he knows how passionate I feel about training someone. I told him I would get with him about the trainee's schedule as they blend into our environment and sit with people who operate each role. No one did that with me. The girl senior recruiter's "this girl is a furkin' idiot" email to me while talking to me on the phone at the same time keeps coming back to me. How much should I help him? Shouldn't he be successful on his own? Come up with his own method? I'm serious, no one showed me anything. That doesn't mean someone SHOULDN'T have shown me a lot, but luckily I just happen to have LOTS of experience training people. My friend has zero. I already told him the best thing you can do for a new person is be their biggest cheerleader - let them know when they're doing a great job - and let them know often. Let them know where they stand, at ALL times. There's nothing worse in a new job not knowing how you're doing, where you stand, if you're catching on, if you're where you're supposed to be for how long you've been there. I told him I'd help him with his schedule, and I think from there, I'll be hands off. He'll need to develop his own style, and I think he'll actually be a really good trainer, if he can somehow get off his "high horse" and get over his "ego" challenge that he has, trying to prove himself as a leader to everyone. He worries a lot that people don't respect him, and I think they do. You can't just push yourself on people. And you can't point at people when you're talking to them, but I've neglected to tell him that, because I'm not his manager, and I'm not going through what I went through at (the big 5 consulting firm) AGAIN.

I really only started this post to talk about fake cows. I must like to write, because I never can figure out how I end up where I do from where I started!

A Picture of Cody

I I just figured out how to post pictures to my blog, so I thought I'd test it with pictures of CodyBear (the dog), rest in peace. Yes, I do still miss him, in case anyone is wondering. When doorbells ring on television, I wait to hear Cody bark and run to the door as if someone is there. It was thundering the other day as well as today, and when it's been really loud, I've found myself expecting him to bark as soon as the thunder stops, but he doesn't, because he's no longer here. Today, Mark turned off "Photograph" by Nickelback on the radio when we went to the bank because it makes me cry and think about Cody when he sings "Every memory of looking out the back doorI had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor - it's hard to say it, time to say it 'Goodbye, goodbye' ". Obviously, I used to look at Cody out the back door all of the time. We have this huge backyard that I think we honestly bought just for Cody.

Okay, I only wanted to post pictures since I just learned how, and Cody was always my good little example and my muse when he was alive (he will have been gone 3 months in 7 days, not that I'm counting or anything). I DID want another dog, but now that time has passed, I don't think I am ready to open my heart to another dog that can break my heart so terribly when they leave me. I used to think "who knows, I could die before Cody", but that's not how it worked out, and it was, and still is, incredibly painful. Almost 3 months later, and I still find myself crying now and again. I found myself in the "Cody Shrine" (the formal living room) yesterday, and I looked into his kennel that's on it's side with all of his things in it, and I just cried. I forgot and went in there for some reason, and there was the kennel. I looked in it, and just sank on the sofa and put my head in my hands and cried.

I have no idea what we're going to do with all of Cody's things. I can't throw them away, but they can't stay in the formal living room from now until eternity either.

Okay, my blog has been all about Cody for some time now, I just wanted to post some pictures.

I Went to work today and...

...had a great day! I booked Dr. G., well, the Account Rep did, for 10 days starting MONDAY. And when I talked to Dr. G., he said his interview with the chief OB/GYN in Kansas said he looked forward to working with him, so that's 20 filled days until at LEAST September. No one was mad at me for being out - they just asked if I was feeling better. I can't believe how much work I've been out, and I haven't been in trouble...yet. Then again, Recruiters are dropping like flies. I don't think I made any cold calls today, though. Maybe that's why my day was so friggin' good. I didn't have to have an uncomfortable conversation even once with a dr. asking them if the wanted to do temporary work, and have them shut me down. That's what I miss about IT -the candidates are already warm.

No one called me from my phone interviews yesterday. I got an email from a recruiting firm who is recruiting for other recruiting firms with directions, I'm guessing. I haven't opened it up yet. I've missed so much work, I don't see how I could go anyway. I told The RVP, the Midwest witch, when she asked about my headaches, that I needed a medication change, but my doctor wanted me to go to a psychiatrist first. She started telling me about the "free" one we have in the building. I said no, one who can prescribe medication. She just said oh. I don't know why I'm making up these wild stories. They keep getting wilder. Maybe because I think if I do want to interview, I can just say I'm going to the doctor? Maybe they think when I'm upset or stressed, like when Crystal quit, I get migraines. But seriously, I really did have a bad headache.

Unbelievable that I was almost jobless today. And even more unbelievable that I had the balls to go in today. I just went in like nothing was wrong. I told "my friend", though, that I had taken all of my personal items home and had planned on quitting. He said he had a good idea that I had done that and was going to do that. He's the one I send emails to saying "I don't know if I can take this anymore, I just want to get up and walk out the door and never come back - seriously". And I really mean it, too.

But I just had a really good day today. This job is a rollercoaster. I even had a good day with the gov't Acct Rep. My trainee is lonely over there by himself. I know he says not to make a big deal about it, but I think he should be moved over by us, and I really think he should recruit for other things besides Orthopedic Surg's. He'll end up quitting eventually. I'm glad Kim gave him Crystal's doctor, that was nice. Maybe I should give him the surgeon he's recruiting that I have, too. I don't want him to quit. He seemed really tired, and he kind of smelled like he smoked pot today? Surely not.

Why do black people seem to have this unspoken comraderie with each other? It's like, they see each other in the hall and they are just automatic friends because of their color - they act differently when they see each other. Their whole behavior and demeanor changes - it's more relaxed..more....I don't even know what to call it...ghetto-ish? We don't have a lot of black people working in our office, but enough that I notice the behavior changes. My trainee is black, and so is Ter., and their behavior changes, and Ter.'s behavior changes in the hall when another black person he knows is walking down the hall. He's not the same Ter. that I know - he doesn't act the same way to them that he does to me. Why is that? Why is there some special club that I'm not part of? I don't do that with white people when I'm with a black person. I don't get it. Do they really feel that "oppressed"? Is that the word? Because they are definitely not oppressed where I work.

The girl lead recruiter is actually being nice to me now. I wonder if it has anything to do with her new trainee quitting. She smiles at me and she'll look at me when she's talking in a group for my approval, things like that. It's bizarre. It's like all of a sudden, she's in a good mood. I can't hate someone like that. I don't even like to hate people. I just want to get along with people. If she were nice and friendly, I would love that. I wouldn't even mind being her friend if she were nice and smiled. But I don't trust her. What's her motive? I noticed on her projected numbers, she lowered them by quite a bit. Everyone did, and of course I did, my numbers really did drop. Maybe I'm actually doing better than everyone and I don't even know it. I think I'm doing worse than everyone, and I'm not? I can't start thinking that way, because then I'll get anxious and I'll get upset and I'll freak out. Better to think we're all in this together - they're a bit ahead of me, I'm trying to catch up, and leave it at that, because I think that's what it really is.

I feel like I just threw some big temper tantrum at work. What was that? What did I do? And why? J. must really hate me now, think I'm an issue that he has to deal with. I would say I'll never get promoted now, but I'm SO not into getting promoted or wishing to be promoted. I'd rather not than get bitched at by the MW RVP.

My fiance and I went to dinner tonight - to Black Eyed Pea, and it was ok. We started getting into a fight about Democrats and Republicans in general. Guess which one I am. Guess which one he won't openly admit he is. I started thinking - the Democrats should start picking their candidates because...don't we vote just a year from November? That's only 18 months away! They'd better get their butt in gear! I know it's horrible to say I'm voting for whoever the Democrat candidate is, but I am. I just have that much faith in my party that they'll pick someone who is very close to my way of thinking. Especially compared to anyone the Republicans might pick. Some NASCAR redneck Biblebelt homosexual hating masturbating psychopath. How can you be so fervent in your faith in God, and believe in cutting domestic programs to pay for defense, and believe in a war? It doesn't make any sense to me. The NASCAR redneck thing - I think that's new with the Bush administration.

Boy, many people would hate me now after this post, so I might as well get one more dig in there. What purpose did it do during the Immigrant Protest to take their children out of school? What did that prove, to have a certain percentage of students not there? They missed a day of education, which only hurt the child. The school saved on electricity, water, food, and other things without the kids being there. And by the way, if the parents are illegal immigrants and the children weren't born on American soil, how the HELL are they going to our public schools to begin with? Don't you need a social security number? I can't believe all of our tax dollars that are spent on illegal immigrants who are paid in cash and do not pay a dime in taxes, yet receive free social services. The companies that knowingly hire them should be put out of business. If they didn't hire them, illegal immigrants from Mexico wouldn't be coming to the United States to work to begin with. It seems logical enough to me. And granting amnesty to an illegal immigrant based on how long they've been here illegally? That's pretty confusing to me. Because someone broke the law LONGER than Pedro who just immigrated a year ago, they get to stay and be a visitor who can work legally, but Pedro must be bused back to Mexico? Chances are, the long-timer illegal immigrant still can't speak English. And don't even get me started on the Spanish Star Spangled Banner. Where's the French Star Spangled Banner? Or why weren't there many languages, including Spanish, included in this song besided Spanish? This is NOT a Mexican nation. They can GO BACK TO MEXICO if that's what they want - them and their Mexican waving flags. Try waving an AMERICAN FLAG to the STAR SPANGLED BANNER, sung in any language. What kind of loyalty to America are you showing when you have a Mexican flag while singing America's traditional song? I don't understand the logic.

And then there's my aunt who hates Mexicans and the email she sent me, goodness. I don't hate Mexicans, my best friend is a Mexican, although my fiance says even though she's a Mexican, she hates Mexicans. I'd never thought about it before, but he's right. How can you be Mexican and hate other Mexicans? But she does - she's white in every way except...she's Mexican. I"ve never heard ANYONE call ANYONE a "wetback" before until I heard her do it. I just thought it was because I had just moved to this state. I know now that no, that's not normal, and yes, it's incredibly rude, just like I thought at the time. Very strange scenario. I still don't get it, although Mark calls it a "class thing". I guess he means two different classes of Mexicans - the workers, and the upper class. Or at least, those who perceive they are above other Mexicans, like I know she does. She still has very traditional Mexican festivities within her family, which I learned when I lived with her for awhile. Their culture is really a lot of fun, and I love how their extended family is so close. I have no family, where she has TONS of family.

I always type so much and at the end, I wonder, how did I get here? At least, lately I have been. Am I getting manic or something?
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