Wednesday, June 28, 2006

OKAY! ENOUGH! and Seroquel update

First of all - Seroquel update. I'm sleeping just fine without it. As a matter of fact, I'm finding it harder to WAKE UP in the morning when I do not take it, isn't that bizarre? This morning, the buzzer on my alarm clock was incorporated into my dream and didn't realize it for about 10 minutes. But at least, now I'll have no more out-of-the-blue "Seroquel-fogs" that used to make me call in to work and say I'd be late. And no more worries of being pulled over and getting a DUI trying to get there. This weaning off of Seroquel has been LIBERATING.

As for the weight and eating issue, I'm going to stop talking about it after tonight.

I've figured it all out, so there's no need to record what I ate, how many calories, what I feel about it, etc. I've been this way for a year and a half - eat an Egg McMuffin (x amount of calories), I've skipped lunch forever now, and I've waited until after I take my nighttime meds - and they've kicked in, around 9:00-9:30p to eat dinner, for years now. The only problem with that was - with Seroquel, I hate the whole frickin' house.

Now without Seroquel (I think I took about 18-19mg just now), I'm no longer hungry after I take my meds at night. So I'm now used to eating something for breakfast, skipping lunch, and waiting until 9:00 to have dinner. And when I ate dinner, I was FAMISHED beyond belief because that was my side effect on Seroquel. Only, now I'm not famished. I'm not even hungry. Perhaps I'm comparing it to how I used to feel on Seroquel and my body is reacting to the change. But I attribute my not being hungry to Adderall and Zonegran (my doctor prescribed that for me as an appetite suppressant and mood stabilizer because I kept complaining about Seroquel).

I figured this all out last night. I had an egg mcmuffin for breakfast, and around 9:00p, I knew I had to eat something, but I wasn't hungry. So I made myself eat a protein bar before bed. That was (this is the last time I'll do this) 600 calories for the day. And today - I wasn't tired, hungry, nothing. I was just fine.

So I'll continue my regiment. Egg Mcmuffin for breakfast, protein bar before bed. As long as I don't skip either meal, I'll be fine. 600 calories a day, logically, doesn't sound like enough, but physically, it's not harming me at all. I have energy, I'm sleeping just fine without Seroquel, and this eating pattern has been going on for almost two years.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED. If I had a problem then I've had it for years now, but it's been buried behind Seroquel. So I guess nothing's wrong with me. (shrug) I suppose I could discuss it with my psychiatrist but....well....if something's not broken, why fix it? I would feel ridiculous even bringing it up with him. He would probably look at me and think "yeah, so what do you want ME to do about it?"

So that's it. Except for recording my weight once a month, no more talk about it. I'm done OBSESSING over it every frickin day. I have a regiment that I like, it makes me feel in control (maybe that's not the right words to use), and I'm not over-eating.

My coworkers no longer demand I take a lunch and just go without me while I work through lunch, so that issue is resolved.

So what happened to me today...

I did have a quite a bit of anxiety at work today, and started worrying it was because of the Seroquel. I had to take 3 1mg Klonipin. I am hoping it is because I took my medication this morning, took a bath, and then didn't remember if I took an "orange pill" (Adderall) or not, so I took another one. THAT medication is enough to give anyone anxiety, and two? So I'll judge by my anxiety level tomorrow.

My lunatic boss was gone today and will be until next Wednesday, so I had a pretty good day. Nothing of real interest really happened that's worth recording - I guess I'm not very creative with my thoughts during the week anymore. I just work too much - leave for work around 7:00 and get home around 7:30 - 8:00.

That's about it...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Getting my Thoughts Out...

Working again and so many hours is making it hard to post every day! It's very important to me though, as I use this as my outlet to track my moods and thoughts to see if there's a pattern in my everyday life that I can look back on and say "yes, that's when it started..." to some depressive or manic phase, or "yep, that was the trigger", or maybe "hmmm...it looks like I've been depressed for awhile now...". That's why I created my blog, so I'll just dive right in!

Something I've learned from my "Seroquel Phase-Out" is that I can actually go to sleep without being drugged! I didn't know that! I thought I had to feel drugged out of my mind to fall asleep, but I don't. It's been the most amazing realization to me. This has been a truly psychological journey for me - going off of Seroquel. I used to fall asleep on the couch with food still in my mouth. It would gross even Mark out, and I would find he'd just go up to bed and leave me in the living room like that.

I suppose this is kind of related to tapering off Seroquel. My main obsession has been what I put into my mouth and eat every day. I think about it a lot, maybe all the time. I know what the trigger was - gaining 11 pounds when I increased my Seroquel and I took off a month between jobs. That's not hard to figure out. I was already teetering on normal/abnormal, but I was managing to lose weight at a very healthy rate. I had gotten down to only 1.5 - 3 pounds a month, and I reasoned to myself, I was okay with that because in a year, that could be 20 pounds, and I didn't need to lose 20 more pounds.

So, my obession is out there. I know it. I don't know what to do about it. Saying I know it's there and wanting it fixed are two different things. "Fixing" it means I would eat more, yes? I don't want to eat more. I want to eat LESS. So wanting it "fixed" is out of the question.

So Sunday, I ate 1/2 protein bar early Sunday morning when I woke up in the middle of the night (about 2 or 3 in the morning), so that's 150 calories, I had an egg mcmuffin for breakfast, that's 300 calories, and the other 1/2 of the protein bar for dinner, so another 150 calories. That made Sunday 600 calories.

But eating only 1/2 protein bar for dinner on Sunday made me STARVING on Monday. So I ate an Egg McMuffin for breakfast (300 calories), TWO protein bars (600 calories) and a Lean Cuisine (280 calories) for dinner. That was a whopping 1180 calories! I felt like a pig all night and this morning.

I've done much better today. I've had an egg mcmuffin, I've taken my nighttime meds, it's 9:30p, and I"m not even hungry. I know I need to eat so I'm not starving again tomorrow, but I really don't want to just choke something down like I do breakfast every morning already. I only eat breakfast so I won't eat lunch, otherwise I'd skip that meal everyday too.

Okay, so that's just out there. I can move on. I can move on to the sleazy world of sales that I didn't know existed. Yes, I've been recruiting for a bit now, but I honestly did not know why people thought salesmen could be so crooked.

My boss. He's SHOWING me why people think this of salesmen. He told me when I have a candidate on the phone interested in a job (and my way of recruiting is to always be honest), is to ask for 3 references, make sure I tell them they need to have worked "in the trenches" with them or should be their direct managers or project managers. If they don't have their numbers, just get the company names, and promise them you won't call them as a reference without their permission. Sounds okay so far, right?

WRONG! He THEN said to wait a day or two, and then call those three people. I looked at him in shock. I said "But I've already promised my candidate that I wouldn't call them", and he said "yes, but you said you wouldn't call them for a RECOMMENDATION. You didn't say you wouldn't call them to RECRUIT them or for REFERRALS. Don't give them your candidate's name, of course."

I just shook my head. Maybe this is how people really get ahead in this business, who am I to say? He's been successful - but I just don't have his personality. I'm not that "sneaky", I'm not a "snake in the grass", do you know what I mean?

And then - my boss really liked someone I found for a management position, but since he's the Account Manager for this company, he told me the company wouldn't come up to what he was asking for in salary. So he asked me loudly "Did you call Johan?" and I said "You mean "Yohan" (because he's from England, and that's how it's pronounced.) I know he's my boss and I shouldn't correct him, but really, Johan is my candidate and I have a relationship with him already as a recruiter, he's a super nice guy, and...anyway....

So of course, he said "yes, have you?"...and I said "no". I found out TODAY (because they told me since he left for an entire week to go to the office in another state) that everyone felt bad for me as soon as they heard me say "no". They said they wanted to tell me when he asked me to say "yes, I left a message". Well how could I have known that? So back to the story. I said "no". He asked "why not?", and I just kind of ignored the question, but he didn't forget he asked it. He asked me again, and I said "because I don't want to insult him with what the company will pay him to do the job". And do you know what he said to me? He said "So you're a 'scaredy cat'?" Who even says that as an adult? "Scaredy cat"? So I said "yes, I guess so, I don't want to insult him", and he said "here, I'm going to call him then", and tried to conference me in to his call, but of course he doesn't know how to work the phone and his conferencing me in didn't work.

He spoke with Johan (and called him Johan again, after I'd corrected him!) and made the job seem pretty as a picture, great benefits, "can't keep a good man down" (trying to make Johan believe he would be promoted quickly), painted a rosy picture of the area he'd be living in and the low cost of living - talked about lakes and golf courses, the perfect sales pitch, right?

Of course, Johan turned him down. I WAS going to call him and tell him the job was not going to meet his salary expectations, and that I would keep an eye out for something else for him. He's already employed with a high paying salary, why would he take a huge pay cut and move his family?

So my boss does his IRRITATING THING. He asks for a referral SIX TIMES until someone gives him a referral or they hang up on him. Now see, if I did that to Johan or anyone more than once or twice, I would be ruining my relationship with him and he might not take my call when I do have something for him. But after two or three times, Johan was nice and gave him a referral, which my boss put on my desk and proudly said "my gift to you".

But BECAUSE Johan was at the level he is, and BECAUSE my boss is an Account Manager, he then starts asking him what jobs we could fill for HIS company! How horrible is that? Try to recruit someone OUT of their company, and then want someone to trust you and fill positions in your own company? Of course Johan didn't have any positions for my boss nor did he give him a name in HR. I knew he wouldn't.

And the referral? He wanted $95/hour plus travelling expenses (he lives in Florida, and consultants travel home and back on the weekends), when the job is a permanent job that pays up to $110k yearly. Totally not a fit for ANYTHING I'll EVER have, but I asked for his resume anyway and he sent it.

My boss totally ignores his family. But it's just too much to even get into one post. He thinks family is second and work is first. He told one girl when she was throwing up at work and needed to go home that "there's toilets in the bathroom".

NOW what have I gotten myself into?
Sunday, June 25, 2006

Seroquel Updates and Celeb Crushes

Well, I fell asleep last night just fine on 25mg of Seroquel. After I'm "weaned" off Seroquel, I need to "wean" myself off of having Mark there to be able to fall asleep. I feel anxious if he's not in bed with me, and I lay a certain way with him and my pillow every night to fall asleep. I make him go to bed when I'm ready, otherwise my eyes just stay wide open. There's a type of "comfort" or "security" there or something, I don't know.

Even though I only took 25mg of Seroquel, I still got hungry. I'm now REALLY wondering if it's because I don't eat all day, I get relaxed, and then I naturally get hungry. I had maybe...1/2 protein bar (150 calories), then ate the rest of the protein bar after I took my nighttime meds (another 150 calories), a Lean Cuisine (280 calories) and another protein bar (300 calories). I skipped breakfast, that's why I had the 1/2 of a protein bar. So that was still 880 calories for the day. I can't seem to break the 880 calorie mark for some reason.

I am having issues since lowering my Seroquel, though. It's not been painless. I wake up in the middle of the night. On 50mg, one night I woke up at 3:00a, and Mark was snoring, and I couldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night. I woke up again on another night on 50mg, again at 3am, but made myself stay in bed and I fell back asleep. Last night, I woke up around 2:00 - 2:30, was thirsty, hungry, and a little dry. So I got up, had 1/2 protein bar (150 calories), drank it with a LOT of water so I'd feel way full, put on a bunch of lotion, and went back to bed. I managed to fall right back to sleep. If that's the worst thing that's going to happen to me trying to get off of Seroquel, I count myself very lucky.

Now if I still get hungry with no Seroquel, then I'll have to start taking a look at culprit #2 - Geoden...

On another note, I've known for awhile that I'm a strange girl. Of course I'm attracted to attractive men, but really, I don't oogle or check guys out. I barely notice them. I think that's how guys know I'm "taken", I just give out that vibe. (Or I'm just ugly - haha) But I AM a "hair" woman. I love thick hair. (Sorry to any man who is losing their hair) It's one of Mark's best features. If you can think back to Saved By the Bell, he has hair (and is almost a dead ringer, except Mark isn't in High School - haha, and his hair is darker) for Zack - the blonde kid. Think JFK hair - really thick and wavy. He's tried getting different haircuts, but imagine JFK trying to get a different haircut. It might be shorter on the sides or something, but it would still fall in the same way - thick and wavy in the front. He keeps it very short and professional, but it's still this thick, wavy, sexy thing about him. People comment about his hair all the time, women, I mean (it would be weird if a man did it, I guess), strangers even, and it makes me jealous. Who do they think they are to comment on a strange man's hair? I interpret it as they are "hitting" on him. *I* would never comment on a strange man's hair. I only wish I had such luck. My hair is very fine, and I'm constantly trying to get more body into it.

So, because I'm a "hair woman" (and to a point, a "voice woman", too), here's the two people I've had crushes on - one for YEARS, since I was a teenager, and the other since last year:



Christian Slater.

That voice. That hair. I knew I was in love listening to his voice in "Pump Up the Volume", watching him run his fingers through that slicked back hair. I can be anywhere in the room with the television on, and any movie that I've never seen will come on, and I'll hear that VOICE, and know in an instant it's Christian. I'm immediately sucked in. I don't know anyone else who has ever said they've had a crush on him before besides me. Mark is jealous of him, but I can't help it. He still likes him as an actor, though, and compares him to a young Jack Nicholson because of his voice. Yeah, that's right. Whatever gets you to keep the television on.

The second one is a tad bit embarrassing, but for anyone who has read my blog knows I had just a *bit* of an obsession with this person. Only a *tiny* bit, where I considered going to therapy to stop thinking about him. (that sounds so crazy now). Again, a hair/voice thing.

Constantine Maroulis

In case you're wondering...who in the heck is Constantine? He was in LAST year's American Idol. Yes, I was so obsessed with him I considered going to therapy. If I lived on my own, my whole house would have been plastered with Constantine posters. I'm not kidding. I cried - CRIED! for a week after he was voted off. I signed petitions, wrote to the network, everything I could do to try and make people see that when I tried to call to vote for Constantine, I got a busy signal for 30 minutes straight. Looking back, was I manic? I have no idea. I wasn't the only one. I joined Constanine user groups where all we did was talk about Constantine (you'd be surprised how many there were, I was in one called "The Connies", and all they did was post and think about Constantine). Yes, I was one of THOSE. And my life was somehow empty without looking forward to watching Constantine on American Idol every week. I was so upset that the week after he was voted off, they started singing TWO songs apiece!

Okay, with Constantine, Mark's not even nice about it. He doesn't even pretend to humor me. Constantine is a subject I just can't bring up without him getting nasty about to me. Christian? Sure, he respects him as an actor. Constantine? He tells me he's a horrible singer, he should have been voted off sooner, and why did I save his last performance on Tivo for over a year so I could watch it over and over? (haha) Sure, he sang the Nickelback song "How You Remind Me" the worst I've ever heard it (and Nickelback is my favorite band), but it was his performances that I loved. Mark just doesn't understand.

At least they are celebrities, and not real people, right? I can be in love with celebrities all day long, and that should be okay. It's when you start falling for a real person that you could actually HAVE that's the problem. I haven't been tempted since Mark and I have been together, and that's a long time. I just don't look around.

All I need is my television. :-)

Constantine is supposedly going to have a sitcom coming out soon - he's filming the pilot in the fall - with the writers from Frasier. It will be, strangely enough, like his everyday life. Mark says it will be a horrible show and be cancelled if it gets on tv at all, which he doesn't think it will. I'll just have to watch it in the bedroom upstairs so we won't argue. I know I won't be able to contain myself no matter how hard I'll try, and Mark will just get pissed. Or, knowing him, he'll get a cigar and sit on the balcony to escape, like he always does.

So that's it. I'm a "hair and voice" kind of girl. What can I say?








Saturday, June 24, 2006

Down to 25mg of Seroquel...

Well, I just took my nighttime meds, and I tried 25 mgs of Seroquel for the first time, down from 50 for the past week or so. My only concern is that I think I accidentally took 2 Phentermine today, which may keep me wired and not able to sleep. But what good would 25 more mgs of Seroquel do in that case anyway? At this point, Seroquel has long since past being therapeutical, so it's basically a psychological war with myself.

I've thought of the possibility that I may still get hungry after taking my nighttime meds because of the Geoden. It makes me very hungry too, but not on the Seroquel level. If that happens, I'll have to find another solution to that, as well. It's the only other anti-psychotic medication I take (is Zonegran one?), so weaning myself off of two of them in a few months may be traumatic. My doctor never agreed to stop taking Geoden - it was prescribed to take in place of Seroquel when I said I was quitting it several years ago, but I couldn't quit. I don't want to spiral out of control - get dysphoric (I never get the happy manias), or depressed, and I know that if you find the right "cocktail" you should stick with it, but I won't be truly happy until my weight is under control.

Gaining 11 pounds in one month has really kick-started the process of stopping Seroquel completely. I can already tell I've lost weight since starting my new job by the way my clothes fit, but I only weigh myself after my cycle - once a month, so I won't know for a few weeks. Of course I won't lose eleven pounds, but if I lost 5 pounds, I would be ecstatic.

I went to work today for a few hours since my boss told us that every resume we sent him for one of his jobs he would give us $15. I only found one that I spoke with that wanted a job - he was willing to relocate to TX from MD, but he was a bit overpriced. It amazes me how I call people with jobs, and they have families, they own homes, and they are willing to just relocate and move to a new city, uproot their family for a job in another state. The jobs do pay really well, but they're used to being paid well. It still amazes me when I ask if they'd relocate to another city in another state, and they say yes, to several major cities!

Other than that, Mark and I did nothing today. I wanted to see "An Inconvenient Truth" - the Al Gore global warming documentary, but Mark and I got into an arugment about it because he thinks it's "propaganda". He's such a Republican, but to be honest, as liberal as I am, I can't see myself with someone as liberal as I am. I just don't think it would work.

Today was pretty boring. I'll report on my Seroquel - hopefully success story - tomorrow!
Friday, June 23, 2006

Today's Friday! and Date Night

Well, this is Friday and the infamous, and sometimes "I'm so tired it's dreaded" Date night. All we really do is go to dinner. We try to decide where to go, and that in itself is a panic attack. As we're driving down the freeway, we go back and forth "Where do you want to go?" "I don't care, wherever you want to go", "But I don't care, where do you want to go?" and we'll do that until we get to an area where there are a ton of restaurants to choose from. Tonight we ate at a really crappy Mexican place called Enchilada's. My enchiladas tasted like someone had just grabbed them out of the frozen section, heated them up, threw some sauce on them, and plopped them on my plate. As my Friday night dinners always do, they completely packaged it up and I have it in the refrigerator. I only go because it's "date night", not out of hunger.

On the way home, Mark was such a dork. We were listening to the radio, but I wasn't really paying attention. We play stupid music games, like trying to be the first one to guess who the artist is that's playing the song before it comes up on the display. When one of us is wrong and the other knew we were wrong, we give each other hell. Before we had the display, we never could get it "verified". So...we came up with a rule that when one of us said the artist, the other person had to verbally say "verified" if we thought it was right, and we were always honest about it. Now sometimes, one of us would just be stubborn and not say the word "verified" just to be difficult. I was usually the one that would be INSISTENT that he say the word "verified" after I said an artist name. If I went to the trouble to play the game and took the time to say the artist, the least he could do was "verify it", or say he thought I was wrong. He would refuse to say it, just because he didn't feel like it or just because he thought it was stupid or who knows how his mind works. I would get upset with him and demand he "verify" my artist, and he wouldn't. I wouldn't just let it go. I would go on and on, my intention for him to say "verified" growing, until finally he would just say "ok, ok, verified". But it would be an empty victory, because he really didn't mean he was verifying it, he was just verifying it to end his torture. We can both be very stubborn. We used to keep score, but how do you keep track when you just play in the car, and you don't always remember to play?

I guess music has always played a big part in our relationship. I never really realized that until now. But BACK to what happened that made Mark a dork. He was listening to the radio, and I was probably talking like I usually am, and he said "I call this song". I said "okay, whatever, as long as I get Black Horse and a Cherry Tree..." and went on with what I was saying. Then I realized what the song was.."Beverly Hills" by Weezer. I loudly objected. I said "NO! You can NOT have this song. This was MY song before it was #1 on the charts, I downloaded it 6 months ago, played it over and over with you sitting on the couch, and it's mine". He said he called it and it was still his. I put my hand up in his face and said "You are SO six months ago, you can't call something that you just now decide you like that I really liked before Cody even died (putting a date on it - Cody died Feb 13th)".

The argument (light hearted, but a stubborn argument nonetheless) continued into the house. He said "You don't even know who Weezer is!" I said "Yes I do, I remember them from that song where they wore sweaters in the video and played like they were in the diner from Happy Days!". He called ME a DORK and said I only remembered that because it was a video when Microsoft 95 came out (I had to ask him what version of Windows, like I would remember that, and for what reason?) and they played that on the install or something to show graphics. So, he proclaimed, "Beverly Hills" was still his song.

I know this sounds like the most ridiculous argument, but in all honesty, we were both kind of laughing about it, and calling each other dorks. However, I still refuse to give him the song, and still claim Black Horse and a Cherry Tree, even though he's never said he wanted it. I just want to lay my claim on it.

None of this really means anything, it just shows how...I don't know what? we can be.

At work, it was a typical weird day. Maybe when you first start a job, every day is a weird day. My boss is so intense and so blunt and so focused, but he sits right next to me, so whenever I have a question, I just say his name really loudly, breaking his concentration, and ask away. It may even be a simple application question like..."Lotus Notes isn't working properly" which I could ask anyone, but I don't, I ask him. I secretly think it's funny because I know he's so intense on his work and he's staring so seriously at his computer screen, but so far, he's NEVER acted annoyed or brushed me aside. He always takes me seriously and tries to find an answer. That doesn't mean he gets up out of his chair to help me, that just means he answers my questions with serious answers. The second he leaves our area, we all start talking about him and some people do impressions and we all laugh.

The weird girl said he's made her cry 3 times - he's that frickin' blunt. And she said something else weird today. It's Friday, and we can wear jeans, so I just threw my hair up, kind of curled the loose ends I'd pulled up, and left out a bit and tucked it behind my ear. It took about 5 minutes, and looked really sloppy. So (our boss was out of the office, as he always is when she just turns around and says these weird things) she turns around and says my name, and I'm like "oh no, what is she going to ask me this time about my personal life or tell me I should do in my personal life or what in the WORLD is she going to do to make me uncomfortable", and she said "You look really pretty today. I like your jeans and your shirt, and the way you put your hair up looks really laid back and fun and pretty". Now what do I say to that? She actually said something nice. And then she just turned back around in her desk. I think she's a little bit not there. I just said "thank you, I thought I looked horrible today, but that was a really nice thing for you to say".

They're starting to get used to my unconventional way of recruiting. The thing is, I'm being perfectly honest when I'm recruiting. I think everyone needs someone to believe in them, and shouldn't their recruiter be that person, if no one else does? So my boss thinks I have this "sweet, friendly, feminine" personality already, and I was telling this guy that I was going to submit him to two different jobs. We were talking, and I just said "and you know, I just like you!". I got off the phone, and they started laughing. I said "let me ask you - he probably has at least 10 people calling him about SAP jobs, don't you think I made an impression and he'll at least remember ME over them?" They had to agree. My conversations are more friendly and less business. I sound like I'm talking to my friends - getting into their interests and just genuinely being interested in them instead of keeping it strictly business. I've found that makes a really good recruiter. It will keep someone loyal to you, and take your calls and/or call you back, where they won't other recruiters. You become their friend, and they believe you really want the best for them, and to be honest, I really DO want the best for them. I'm not faking it. It also gets them to refer their friends to you, too, because they consider you a "friend" who really helped them out (or at least tried to). Just the fact that they REMEMBER me is a huge obstacle for a recruiter in a market where there are more jobs than candidates, and recruiters are calling these people from every recruiting agency.

I was trying to explain this to Mark, and he said he couldn't see me being any other way as a recruiter. He said my only problem is that I'm an idealist. I expect the best from the world, and I'm always disappointed when it doesn't happen. I disagreed (these darned date nights), but when I thought about it, the first thing that came to my mind was politics. Why do I consider myself a Democrat? Because I think this country could be such a better place than it is today, there are so many changes we could enforce to make things easier and better for everyone in the country. Mark and I argue about capitalism vs. socialism. I think socialism is a great model, and why can't the good things about capitalism be joined with socialism? He doesn't think they could be. At least we agree on one thing. Republicans, and capitalism, revolve around one thing: GREED. I think capitalism and socialism can co-exist, and I hate people throwing Canada in my face. That's Canada. That's not EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER. There are good and bad things about Canada. God knows there are bad things about America. And right now, in America, there are too many bad things going on right now that I can't even begin to make a list. This is not an idealist's country right now. I am sorely disappointed in my country, and I'm ashamed (yes, ashamed) to be an American - not in general, but the fact that I'm an American with Bush as the (notice I didn't say MY) President. These are not my values. The administration does not consist of my people. I did not elect them, put them there, nor support them nor their ideas. I haven't thought past his "idealist" statement past politics.

Other than that, I'm still on my Seroquel journey. I took a bit over 50mg last night (it's hard to cut a pill EXACTLY in half), and only ate a protein bar (300 calories) and a Lean Cuisine (280 calories). With the Egg McMuffin (300 calories), that was only 880 calories for yesterday. Maybe that will make up for one of the previous pigfests. I can only hope.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My New Job & Mark's LIP!

Well, the 8th business day of my new job is now officially over. I would say the "honeymoon period" is wearing off as well.

My boss is as obnoxious as you can ever imagine. He's on some kind of super-speed. I never see him drink coffee, I don't know where he gets all of his energy or how he can start talking and just not shut up.

Today he said the most bizarre thing to me, after keeping me 25 minutes after I said "goodbye" to him talking to me and showing me things. He said "every resume you're giving to me is a good match (for SAP, a friggin hard technology to learn, in every facet), but because they're such good matches, I'm afraid you're not giving me ones that are marginal so I can't help teach you". What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to show imcompetence now and just pick out resumes that I know aren't a good fit to please him?

And he did the most obnoxious thing to prove a point to me, as well. He called someone tonight, and told me he'd get a "name" from them if the person didn't want the job. I'm telling you, he asked this guy about 6 different times in every way for a name of an "ABAP"'er (developer for SAP) and yes, finally he did get a name, but I'm just not that pushy. He says things like, after he's struck out a few times for referrals, "Why don't you give me two names that you know they will tell me no, and I'll be completely confidential". I'm just not like that.

But here's the thing. I sit in this strange way where he can see everything that I'm doing on my computer and hear everything that I'm saying on my phone whenever he's at his desk. It's good so I can just interrupt him all the time and ask him questions, but now, he's going to be expecting me to use his technique and will hear me not doing it. OMG, I just can't. And I don't hear anyone else in the office being that aggressive. So he has advice for EVERYTHING, and he talks a million miles a minute, and he repeats himself three times for everything he says. I'm telling you, he's absolutely obnoxious.

On top of that, a new recruiter started on Monday, came to work on Tuesday, DID show my boss resumes that my boss showed him what was wrong with them (every single one, I was surprised, but he'd never been in technology before, and it was only his second day!), and today, he didn't show up. I didn't ask my boss where the new guy was, even though he sits so frickin close to me, closer than anyone else out of about 20 people, but when he left the office, I asked a few other people. They said he told them "it was mutually agreed that he would not return". What does that even mean? I couldn't wrap my head around that one. I asked Mark, because Mark is very blunt like my boss (and my boss is BLUNT), and he said it meant my boss called him and told him he wasn't getting it and not to return, and the new guy said you're right, I'm just not getting it. How can you "just not get it" in two days? What did I do so differently in two days that he didn't do? It pissed me off that the new guy didn't have to recruit for only SAP. He got to recruit for whatever he wanted, so he chose easy stuff, like C#. I did hear my boss trying to explain what a resume would look like for a programmer, so in all honesty, that IS pretty dumb. Perhaps being in technology and my few months of recruiting for it and working at the Big-5 Consulting firm has given me an edge that I'm taking for granted.

Mark shaved his face yesterday and somehow gashed his upper lip under his nose worse than I've ever seen anyone gash their face while shaving. It wouldn't stop bleeding, and by the time I was leaving for work, it was starting to clot. The clots were so huge, protruding further than his lips even, that I couldn't imagine what it would look like when he got to work. He said at the time that he didn't know which was worse - how it would look, or how it would feel. I didn't really think about it. I asked him when I was at work about his cut, and he said everyone was mentioning it to him, but I had no idea what it looked like by then. I thought it was like a razor cut - hardly noticeable after an hour or so. When he got home and he was talking to me, he turned to look at me, and I busted out laughing so hard I had tears running down my face and couldn't stop laughing. The cut was so bad, it looked like a Hitler moustache. You know how wide a regular razor is? That's how wide the cut was, and it had clotted and was kind of sticking out and was dark red against his white skin. And when he talked, the cut moved with his lip, and made me laugh even harder. Even now, I'm starting to laugh so hard I'm crying, but I'm laughing quietly so he doesn't turn around. He got so upset with me, but I couldn't stop laughing. I knew I was hurting his feelings, and he was getting up to leave the room because he was hurt, but I just couldn't stop. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Then I promised him I would stop laughing, and he came and sat down on the couch with me again, and just thinking about it made me start laughing so hard I was crying again, and he got up and went to bed. He gave notice at his job on Monday because he starts a new one after the 4th of July holiday, and yesterday his manager tried to counteroffer to keep him. He was telling me this as we were sitting on the couch, and all I could think of was...you sat there in front of your manager with that LIP? With a straight face? And of course, I started laughing. I should have taken a picture of it and posted it on my website. I can still see it today, and I will feel really bad if it leaves a permanent scar.

Other than that, there's this girl that ANNOYS me at work. She complains that I don't eat lunch and loudly says how it's not healthy and how I probably don't eat dinner until 8:00 and she goes on and on. And today, she just turns around (always when my boss is gone, of course) and said "we don't know anything about you, like what do you do outside of work? What kind of hobbies do you have? What do you like to do?" Well hell? What do you say to that? I'm bipolar, damnit, and my hobbies come and go with my moods. I said I'm engaged, you know that, and we go to the movies and stuff (yes, I said stuff), and I have a dog that just died in February. Isn't that awful I said that about my dog? I don't know why I said it, maybe I was just annoyed. She was a bit stunned, she didn't know how to react, and then Mark called at the most perfect time and saved me. About my dog, though, he really was a big part of my life. That really was a lot of what I did - I took care of and played with my dog. Maybe that's why I said it, perhaps to explain the void. My first reaction to answer the question was "watch Reality TV".

On the Seroquel front, I took 50mg last night, and was as tired as ever. I did not want to get out of bed and had no trouble falling asleep (but I've still been eating like a horse after I take it), but I've been working 11-hour days. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

By the way, tonight is the first night of Big Brother, and I NEVER miss Big Brother! Thank God it's Tivo'ed!

I hope it's as addictive as all the other seasons...
Sunday, June 18, 2006

Calorie Counting

No matter how you look at it, today was a crappy day calorie wise.

Mark made spaghetti, and after Seroquel, I couldn't stop eating it. So with my Egg McMuffin (300 calories), I calculate approximately 1600 calories. WAY over the limit.

I'll have to make up for it tomorrow somehow.:(

Too True Not to Post

Normally I would NEVER post something like this, but this was just all too true.

What You Now Need To Believe To Be A Republican:

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Arabs, and
Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with
him, and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense,
but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die
is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

There's nothing wrong with supporting drunken hunters who shoot their
friends and blaming the friends for looking too much like quail.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

Maybe I've Been Misdiagnosed...

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...



Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!
When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...
And when you're down, your whole world is crashing
Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

Seroquel and Mood Chart

On the Seroquel front (atypical antipsychotic medication, for anyone who doesn't know), I was going to take 50 mgs last night, instead of going cold turkey. I tried to cut it in half, but I had one size larger than the other, and it was probably 75mg. Being that it was the first night on cutting down from 100mg, I went with the larger half.

I fell asleep with no problem, but I ate a protein bar (300 calories) and a Lean Cuisine meal (280). Along with the Egg McMuffin (300 calories), that makes a total of 880 calories, so that's actually pretty good!

I'm starting to wonder if I don't just get "relaxed" after taking Seroquel and the anxiety goes away making me hungry. Since I only eat breakfast, it would be natural for me to be hungry after not eating lunch or dinner. I don't want to change it because I'll just be "choking" down dinner if I try to make myself eat dinner when I'm not hungry.

I read Jon's bipolar-connection.com blog where he talked about keeping a "mood chart" to keep track of moods and "triggers" to see if you're even the tiniest bit starting to get depressed or manic before it spirals out of control.

If it keeps me from EVER getting so suicidal that I need to go back to the psych ward again, then I'll do anything. It's the only reason that keeps me taking my medication every day. If I simply got manic, I'd never take it.

I've never had "full blown mania", just weird hypomanic symptoms (that are so embarrassing I'd rather not get into), so I don't know what that's like. Well, maybe I was manic for about a year now that I think about it - I just wrote a post on it a few weeks ago...

I do blame the Russian psychiatrist for putting me in the hospital, though. After telling her so many times I was suicidal, she just kept increasing Topamax without adding any other drug when obviously that one wasn't working. At least I found a wonderful psychiatrist from the whole ordeal.

If I haven't mentioned it before, he he has a weird "twinkie" on his forehead. It's some kind of weird growth that I try not to stare at, but how do you look someone in the eyes when they have a growth the size of a twinkie, parallel to their eyebrows, on their forehead? I'm really not kidding, it's THAT BIG. I've never seen anything like that in my life.

One time I was in the waiting room, and this older woman was talking to me from across the room and she couldn't hear very well, so she was almost shouting. She was telling me "You know that THING on his head? It didn't used to BE THAT BIG! It's grown BIGGER AND BIGGER! It's SO BIG NOW!" She was facing away from his office door so she didn't see him walk out to talk to the receptionists. I was so embarrassed. I'm positive he heard it, and she just kept going on and on about it. I've blocked out my response to her, I have no idea how I tried to get out of the situation. It was traumatic to me for some reason. Like I said, I pretend to him it doesn't exist.

But anyway...tracking my moods was part of the reason I started this blog. Seeing all of Jon's categories, I thought it might be a good idea to create one again. I tried one before, but couldn't remember to keep track of it daily.

Today I thought..."I never forget to take my meds, why not keep the mood chart with my meds and track it at the same time?". So I created a sheet and put it in my "drug drawer".

Here are my categories (stolen from Jon):

Med changes
Overall mood
Anxiety
Irritability
Depression
Anger
Rage
Distorted thinking
Hours slept
Appetite
Energy level
Physical problems or symptoms
External triggers (I plan on putting SB for See Blog)
Ability to function
Suicidal thoughts
Consumption of alcohol, caffeine, or other drugs
Number of cigarettes or amount of nicotine (I don't know why I listed that, I don't smoke)
Eating habits
Self-injurious behavior
Psychotic symptoms
Your weight (huge trigger for me)
Exercise (like, never)
Significant life events (Again, SB for See Blog)

I'm going to start tonight.

Wish me luck!
Saturday, June 17, 2006

It's Weird That It's True

Who knew that something in "blogthings" could actually be so true? I thought I'd be "aspirin" or something.:-)

Your Personality Is Like Acid
A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.One moment you're in your own little happy universe...And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

I Lost My Battle With Seroquel

I really hate this starve/binge, starve/binge habit I've gotten into. If it wasn't for Seroquel, I'd be so much happier (with my eating patterns, I don't know about emotionally)

I tried the same technique with Seroquel that worked like a charm last night. I took my nighttime meds, which includes 100mg of Seroquel, went to bed, and tried the relaxation techniques.

It didn't work. I ended up getting up because my mind wouldn't "turn off".

So I got up, and it was a disaster. After only eating an Egg McMuffin all day (again, only 6 Weight Watcher points), I ate the dinner that I didn't eat when we went out last night, two protein bars, and Baked Lays with picante sauce. I couldn't have too many Baked Lays because the bag was almost gone from previous Seroquel binges.

When will this end? Maybe tonight I'll try NOT taking Seroquel at all. I'll just stop cold turkey and see what happens.

Surely Geoden and Zonegran are enough to sedate me to turn my mind off and put me to sleep, and then I'll take Klonipin for extra measure. I just hope the "inner torture" part doesn't come back. I really wish I had a way to explain in words what that feels like and what I'm talking about. It's more intense but completely different than anxiety. I suppose it's supposed to be depression, but it's like you're in your own inner hell with this horrible tortuous feeling. That sounds redundant. I just can't describe it.

The only way I can find out is to stop Seroquel altogether and give it a try. If that means I stay up all night tonight, then so be it. I'll just keep staying up all night until I'm over it. A Saturday night is the perfect night to start, when I can see if I have any side effects on Sunday.

I'll update tomorrow!
Friday, June 16, 2006

I've Beaten Seroquel!

I finally did it! Well, at least last night, I did it.

I took Seroquel, and I actually had a pretty bad panic attack last night, waited about an hour, didn't eat anything, went to bed and fell asleep for the entire night! I didn't have to eat after I took it, and didn't WANT to eat anything after taking 100 mg of Seroquel! I haven't done that since I started taking it in September, 2001. I did have to try and remember old "relaxation" techniques, and they must have worked.

Doesn't anyone suffer from anxiety and panic attacks like I do, with no cure?

As a matter of fact, because of my anxiety lately, I had an egg mcmuffin (6 Weight Watcher points) for breakfast yesterday, I never eat lunch, had an anxiety attack starting at 6:00p so I skipped dinner, then went to bed after I took my nighttime meds. So basically, all I had was an Egg McMuffin yesterday for the entire day.

And when I woke up, I was STARVING TO DEATH. I went through my normal routine - first thing I took my morning meds (Adderall, Buspar, Lamictal, and I've now added 37.5mg of Phentermine), took my shower, got dressed, put on my makeup, and by the time I got my Egg McMuffin, I wasn't hungry. AT ALL. It was all I could do to MAKE myself eat it. I had to choke down half of it.

Again today, per usual, I didn't eat lunch (and I still have anxiety, but I don't think it's the Phentermine), and only took a few bites of potato salad because Mark and I went out to dinner. He's used to me packaging up my entire meal.

So hopefully the 11 pounds I gained in ONE MONTH because of increasing my STUPID STUPID SEROQUEL will come off sooner rather than later. I hate having anxiety and panic attacks, but I might as well find something positive about them, because they're not going away. And I know my doctor's answer to them, and I refuse to take his advise. I will NOT take a Geoden or a Seroquel during the day. It makes me too tired and sluggish and hungry. Sometimes I still have anxiety and just want to go to sleep on top of it. Klonipin does nothing for me.

The strange thing, though, is I've been FREEZING all day. Right now, it's probably 95 degrees outside, and I'm sitting here in sweatpants and a sweatshirt with knee high socks. I wonder if it has anything to do with my eating habits lately?

Another positive (I guess the previous was a positive?) is that my boss and the other Account Managers have mentioned that I'm doing a really good job. I know they're sincere, because I was standing with my boss and an Account Manager was complaining about another recruiter and my boss agreed. The Account Manager then turned to me in front of my boss and said..."by the way....", but I knew my boss already thought I was doing a good job, because he tells me every day. And he doesn't say things to make people feel good. Quite the contrary. Today he said to someone, very sternly "you don't have to go home to change your shoes, but never wear those back to the office again." very loudly, in front of many people. He just says what's on his mind, and doesn't think how it comes across. He definitely does not give credit when it is not due. He really does not hand out the compliments often, either.

I don't know how they are judging me, though. I work really hard and am very focused, but I haven't placed anyone in my first week, which would be unusual if I had. I guess they're judging me by the quality of the resumes and candidates I'm giving them for the jobs they have. SAP is frickin' hard to learn. It's not like a programming language or operating system - there are so many facets and different jobs, and only people from India with H-1 visas know how to do it! I guess there is no "entry level" SAP jobs where you learn it on the job, because I have yet to see it on a resume.

I have to keep telling myself to just do my best, not to get all "bipolared out" and go stark craving mad thinking I HAVE to beat everyone and have the spotlight shine on me all of the time. I wish people wouldn't compliment my work. It just builds my confidence, and makes me think I'm doing a good job, when what I need to think is that I'm struggling to keep up with everyone else. When I'm trying to achieve being THE BEST, that's when I lose it and become unhappy and obsessed without a life outside of work. I have never been able to do anything "halfway". I either give it 100%, or I simply don't do it at all. I have dropped college courses in mid-semester because I may have had an A, but didn't have the HIGHEST grade. It sounds so foolish and dumb, yet, at the same time, there's nothing I can do to stop the unhealthy thinking. I've been to counseling about it, and yes, I already know that I need to learn that "just being okay is okay and I don't have to always have the spotlight", but just knowing that and feeling that are two different things.

It truly has ruined many things in my life. So I'm hoping that just by my own self awareness and determination, I can keep it from happening in my new job. I've tried to focus on my job, not socialize and make friends, just be friendly when needed, so it doesn't get emotional. I think...if I can just keep emotion out of the workplace, maybe THIS time it will work.

We'll see if my new approach is the right one this time.

Suggestions would be appreciated and are welcome!!!
Thursday, June 15, 2006

6:00P Anxiety Attacks!

Something bizarre is happening to me. This is my first week at my new job, and my days fly by because I work so hard. I would stay until 8:00 or so, but every single night, it never fails, around 5:50p I start having an anxiety attack. It's one of those attacks that's so bad that you feel like you physically have to have a bowel movement, but you really don't. And a lump forms in my throat, there are butterflies - heck, some insect bigger than butterflies in my stomach, and my mind starts racing, it's awful. I hate these panic attacks. So I leave for the day instead, and try to avoid people as I'm going home. Most people, if not all, have already left anyway.

I'm still having a panic attack after 3 klonipin and 30 or 40 minutes. It's easing a bit, but still very uncomfortable. What's wrong with me? I'm wondering if it has anything to do with my forcing myself to go from 200mg of Seroquel at night to 100mg at night starting last Saturday? It's either that or just the fact that I have a new job, I don't know what it is.

And I'm back to not eating lunch - I just don't get hungry when I'm working. Again, there's always a level of anxiety, but I'm usually able to keep it below the uncomfortable level. It's the "overachiever" in me.

My boss doesn't want me to recruit any jobs besides SAP, which are really hard to find these technical people. Everyone wants them. So I took another recruiter's advice and tried recruiting for something else for 1/2 day when my boss (who sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME) was out, and today the people were calling me back for jobs. When he heard me say "C#" (a programming language), he told me, rather sternly, that I was recruiting for SAP only. No one else in the office is recruiting for SAP only - these jobs stay open for months! I'm the only recruiter of 20 of us who does not get to pick what I want to recruit for.

I'm getting to know my boss pretty well now. He wouldn't have hired someone to do a job that he knew they would fail. He would be paying their salary in a sales job without them paying for their own salary, if that makes sense? Why have a sales person that you pay that doesn't at least earn his/her own salary? Your business would fail.

He told me he recognized in me that I had abilities to find these SAP individuals that his other recruiters didn't have - to think "outside of the box". I've learned from the book "The Bipolar Advantage" - there really ARE advantages to being bipolar (God know no one knows I am bipolar. That's only for my Dad and Mark to know). For example, "racing thoughts". Think how many more new and creative ideas someone who is bipolar has compared to someone without it. I'm the queen of being creative, at least, in my opinion. :-)

And...today I really DID think of an excellent way to recruit all flavors of SAP today that I don't think anyone bothered to think of or try. It really worked and I found 2 people for 2 jobs - 1 I didn't even know existed because it had been open so long my boss just didn't even tell me it was there. I had to ASK him if he could use him anywhere, and he said the job had been open so long he just didn't bother to mention it anymore!

And instead of splitting the commission with me, as an Account Manager, 50-50, he splits it with me 70% (my share) to his 30% for working on his (not the other Acc't Mgrs) SAP jobs. So that's just more money in my pocket as well.

But because I sit the closest to him, he hears what I say when he's not on the phone, and constantly gives me advice. When I interviewed for the job that he wanted someone to take "under his wing" and mentor. I just never knew it would be quite this literal. He's careful to say "I know you have a very kind personality, and I'm not trying to change that, but try saying....instead of...". Sometimes it's just not ME, and I think he'll see that my style really does work in gaining the confidence of my candidates, but I do respect his advice as he's excellent at his job.

I just need to figure out these panic attacks at 6:00p today. I suppose I could be proactive and take klonipin around 4:30, but then there's that whole "can people tell I'm drugged", or "will I talk too much or act differently", or "not be on top of my game"?

I think I'll start taking my nighttime meds and just try to go to sleep without eating dinner starting tonight, and see if I can fall asleep. I don't get hungry - the anxiety takes care of that. I've just never been able to sleep without a full belly, but I haven't tried it since this new situation.

I'll try it tonight and report tomorrow, or at least the next time I blog! :-)
Tuesday, June 13, 2006

New Job, New Leaf?

Today was my second day at my new company, and I'm a little overwhelmed. Compared to my last company, it just doesn't seem like I'm getting anything done.

At first, the president scared me. He said "I don't like socializing in the office, it's a distraction." "I think looking over a resume should take about 90 seconds." "A guy in here just took 2 days off because his wife was sick. She's a grown woman - can't she take care of herself?" While I do agree with everything he said (except looking over a resume), it kind of scared me and had me thinking "what the hell did I get myself into".

But today, he left the office (I sit RIGHT NEXT TO HIM out of 20 people) and all of the other recruiters got up and told me he meant well, not to work on only his jobs like he was telling me, just nod and smile and never get upset because he only wants us to be successful. They were very easygoing about it, and then said..

"So what's YOUR story?"

What do you say to that? I didn't say anything except..."Well....what do you want to know?", and they actually quizzed me about everything - my relationship status - what Mark did, where we met, when was I getting married, what did Mark do, where did I live, why hadn't I planned my wedding yet, how long had Mark and I been together, how long had we been engaged, what did I do at my past companies, EVERYTHING.

They were all pleasant about it - just friendly and curious, but how much information do you really want to divulge to people you don't know? I had no history about them to go on - such as, would they be offended that Mark and I live together? (I didn't divulge that, and they didn't ask) It's easier to kind of slide into getting to know people instead of having a group of three or four well meaning people who genuinely want to get to know you barrage you with questions all at once. I really like that they like me and want me to be a part of their group already, but I wasn't ready to share yet.

I hope it always stays this pleasant, and I hope I can actually "recruit". I hope I'm good at it. I'm not going to pressure myself into thinking I have to be the BEST. That was too much pressure at my last job. I just want to be GOOD at what I do. That's all. And make a decent amount of money - progress in a better than average way.

I want to be and stay healthy, not my hypomanic bipolar self. I have a chance to keep it low-key here and not get all crazy with my job performance, so I need to take advantage of that while I can.

The question is - can I do it? Can I stay non-competitive? Can I be okay with not always being #1 and letting someone else take the spotlight? God I hope it doesn't become cut throat like the last company. I don't want to wish I could walk out of the door every second of every day. And I don't want to feel like I should be working every second of every day, but in actuality, that's a recruiter's job....
Monday, June 12, 2006

Meds

Well, I did it. I only took 100mg of Seroquel and went to sleep last night without a problem. I also ate less yesterday, too. It did take a Starbucks nonfat sugarfree hazelnut latte and an entire pot of coffee along with 1.5 pills of the highest dosage of Phentermine to get me there, but I did it. I had: for breakfast, an Egg McMuffin (300 calories, approx), didn't eat until after Seroquel at about 8:30p, then a protein bar (300 calories), and Lean Cuisine Spaghetti (250 calories). All in all, I think I had around 1000 calories or less. Not where I want to be, but an improvement from the past month.

So now, as far as meds (my fiance makes fun of me calling them my "meds") are concerned, here's what I'm taking:

Morning: Buspar 60 mg, Adderal 20mg, Lamictal 200mg (and now Phentermine 37.5mg + 1/2 of that dosage as well)

Nighttime: Buspar 60 mg, Lamictal 200mg, Seroquel 100 mg, Geoden 80mg, Zonegran 200mg

You would think I'd need some kind of "pillbox" to remember what to take when, but I'm able to remember what to take in the morning and evening.

So I guess I take Buspar, Adderal, Lamictal, Phentermine (my doc doesn't know about this, but I'm not about to tell him), Seroquel, Geoden and Zonegran. That seems like so many meds and like I'm REALLY CRAZY compared to other people, but it's the right cocktail for me, so I'm sticking to it. Hey, it keeps me out of the hospital and functioning as "normally" as possible (out of bed, taking a shower, able to get out of the house, hold down a job), so there's something to be said for that.

On another note, I start my new job this morning. I don't know how often I'll be able to blog after today as recruiters work SO MANY God-forsaken hours, especially in the beginning to build up their "pipelines". Today might not be so bad (but I hope it is, I want to be very busy and even work late because I'm so busy), but if I don't update my blog as often, that's why.

Heck, it might be a good thing if I don't update my blog once, twice a day because I actually might get a life which I haven't had since I quit my job a month ago!

Hello and thank you to everyone who has been SO supportive of me and has read my blog. I love reading everyone's blogs as well, and has kept me feeling not so alone with this disease.
Sunday, June 11, 2006

What City Am I?

You Are New York

Cosmopolitan and sophisticated, you enjoy the newest in food, art, and culture.
You also appreciate a good amount of grit - and very little shocks you.
You're competitive, driven, and very likely to succeed.

Famous people from New York: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tupac Shakur, Woody Allen

I hate SEROQUEL!!!

God I feel fat. For my new job I start tomorrow, they hired me at 132.5 - well, probably more, I had started eating a lot before that interview, but now I'll be starting at 144. That's a SIGNIFICANT difference. If I gained 11.5 pounds in a month, surely that weight will come off pretty quickly, right? I think the biggest part of it is that I started taking 200mg of Seroquel while I was off from work to help me sleep instead of when I tapered myself down to 100mg. I got extremely hungry during the day when I did that. Last night, I only took 100mg, but then I had to eat a lot to make myself sleepy. There's something psychological about having a way full belly that helps me sleep. So I ate a foot long chili dog and a protein bar. Not good. And diet pills don't help after you take Seroquel.

It's enough of a difference to kick in my old insecurities and not eat, period. I still have to eat breakfast, though. I know how important breakfast is to lose weight. Man, 5 months of weight loss down the drain in one month. I've GOT to lose the 11.5 pounds in 1 month to get back on track. Can I do it? I'm going to do my best. During this whole time, I've never lost more than 7 pounds in 1 month.

I blame SEROQUEL.. That medicine is BRUTAL. I wish I could get off of it and keep telling my doctor that, and he used to have no problem with it before my dog died and tried to convince me to go up to 300mg because my dog died and I couldn't stop crying when I saw him last. I tried, got too hungry, couldn't get up to go to work, and went back to 100mg. I think now that I'm no longer depressed (I guess, sometimes you're depressed and just don't know you're depressed), I'm motivated again to get off Seroquel. I wanted off of Seroquel about a year ago, so he added Geoden. Only...I couldn't wean myself off of Seroquel. 50mg was the least I could do, and I had to take klonipin to help me sleep with it. I'll just have to keep taking 100mg to get back to where I was, and be damned the sleeping part. Once there, I'll go to 50mg, then 25mg, and then just try Geoden and Zonegran, both sedating, with klonipin and see what happens. Without Seroquel, my brain doesn't "shut off". I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking, and mind doesn't stop. Geoden makes me hungry too, but I need to stay on an atypical antipsychotic as it really helps with my anxiety and the "inner torture" I get. And trust me, it's true "inner torture". It's very hard to explain besides calling it that. I wonder how my mood will be without Seroquel. I've taken it for 5 years beginning in September.

My friend David's girlfriend broke up with him, and he's just a mess. The problem is, I want to help him and be there for him, but I'm in a pickle because he's a guy, and I don't think Mark would appreciate me talking to him on the phone for hours while he cried on my shoulder. He's been emailing me and just left a voicemail on my cell. If he only knew I was bipolar - isn't that funny? A completely normal person trying to get advice from a bipolar. As if *I* know how to get over something like a break-up without increasing some type of medication from my doctor. I think I'm going to call him anyway. His message sounded like he'd been crying. He's only 23, for gosh sakes. Maybe I'll suggest he go to a doctor and get an anti-depressant to take just to get over the "hump". He's really in a bad place.

I'm doing my best not to eat today. I did eat breakfast, as I know that's important in weight loss, and I took 1.5 of the max dose of Phentermine, and have been drinking coffee like there's no tomorrow. I'm also cleaning to keep my mind off of food. The thing is, what am I going to wear to work? The good thing is - I never bought clothes after losing 45 pounds, I just kept wearing the same baggy clothes, as I have clothes for all sizes. So I'll just wear a business suit that got too big for me, that should fit much better now.

If I gained 11.5 pounds in a month, surely that weight will come off pretty quickly, right?

Weighed Today

I weighed today and managed to gain 11.5 pounds in a MONTH. I think it's because I went from eating nothing to eating everything. I now weigh 144. No wonder I feel so insecure and like such a pig. And the thing is - I don't know what to do about it. I hope my new job will bring incentive to lose weight. I start tomorrow.

That's about 5 months of weight loss down the drain. A good reason why I shouldn't stay at home and need a job.

I think I'm going to start taking a double dose of the max amount of Phentermine starting today.
Friday, June 09, 2006

Insecurity and Job Front

All of a sudden, everything is happening so fast.

But first, I've noticed that right now, I'm going through this INCREDIBLE insecure phase in my life. I'm insecure about everything about me. My appearance is the main focus. The perception others have of me. It's eating me alive. I can't even walk into a restaurant without worrying what people are thinking about me. That's all I think about when I'm led to the table.."are they thinking I'm so fat? are they thinking I'm too old to be with Mark? do they think my clothes are ugly? do they think that I am ugly? do they think my new haircut is ugly?" Or..."does Mark think I'm fat? does he think I'm old? does he wish he was with a younger woman? does he regret being with someone who is bipolar? doesn't he hate living with a slob?" I could go on and on. I don't know how to break out of this, but it's just not healthy and I don't know how to shake it. I don't know that I have ever NOT thought these things, but it's at an all time high (or low, should I say?) right now. All I do is worry what other people are thinking about me.

I was just offered a job at the same company that laid Mark off a few months ago. Only...it's not a permanent job, it's a contract job that pays well enough, but I wouldn't get paid for each placement I made. That's how recruiting jobs are - you get a high base salary with small or no commission, or a smaller base with large commission. Since I'd be a contractor, there'd be no benefits, meaning no medical insurance. I do have COBRA for 18 months, but why would I take a chance on a job as a contractor when I have a perm job waiting for me on Monday?

I'm supposed to call and give him an answer, but I'm scared to call and tell him no. I don't want to burn any bridges and he's very excited about the whole thing, but the REASON they want to hire me is my recruiting experience and training at the big-4 consulting firm. That's another LIE on my resume. WOW - twice now this week I'm being confronted with lies on my resume. I would report to him, and the person he reports to was trained at the same place that I worked (except I wasn't in recruiting), and she is amazed that we didn't run into each other. He said she knows I was trained well, and wants me on board. Well...I never got this "great training" they're talking about at the big-4 consulting firm in recruiting. I've never had an issue with my resume before this week. Now all of a sudden, people are poking holes in it.

I do feel better about my job on Monday. My new boss called and left a message about how excited the team is for me to start on Monday, that they'd like for me to come in around 9:30-9:45 to make sure they were prepared for me, and that they had everything ready for me to start. Isn't that nice? Who even does that, takes the time to call a new employee and make them feel welcome like that, and let them know that the team is excited for them to join? That's NEVER happened to me before. I can't even think of anyone that has told me that's happened to them. He's really going out of his way to make me feel welcome. He sounded so nice, excited and friendly in his message on the phone. Of course, I always have to remind myself, I'm in sales, we all do this for a living, don't read too much into this, I do this kind of stuff all day every day too...but still. Just the thought of doing it was very sweet and much appreciated. It's just that one sour puss guy that was in the interview with the team - I can't get him out of my head. He just had a sour puss look on his face and was very negative. "Negative Nancy". He has me worried about the job. He's the ONLY reason, I've discovered, that I'm anxious about the job. If he was so negative, what's wrong with the job? The other 3 team members were very positive and vested in who they would be working with. They REALLY wanted to be sure they were okay with working with me. He just sat to the side like a negative bump on a log, staring at the wall or something, looking for a reason that I shouldn't be hired. Here I go again...maybe I wasn't as cute as he'd like for me to have been, maybe that was it. I wonder if I'll be complaining about him in future posts.

Well, this is probably the most blogging I'll ever do in my life. I've never had this much free time before, and although my entries get longer every day, it seems I never run out of things to write about (as boring as they might be).

Mark should be home soon, and since it's Friday night, it's "date night" for us, meaning we go to dinner. And yes, I walk into a restaurant with all of my insecurities. They are always right there with me, wherever I go, and they don't shut up for a second. "your shirt rides up over your shorts and your butt sticks out"...."your chicken legs makes your torso look even fatter"..."your hair looks like your Amish"...shall I continue? I don't need too, my own insecurities will do it for me.

Guess I'd better take a bath before he gets home...

The Answer

I was sleeping in this morning since today is the last day I'm going to be home during the week, and knew the phone was ringing, but didn't bother to answer it. If I did, I'd have a "frog voice", and whoever it was would know I just woke up, so I kept sleeping. I decided to get out of bed around 11:00a, which is really late for me.

One of the calls was from my recruiter, regarding the job I interviewed for on Wednesday. He said that the company decided to go with another candidate. I'm not disappointed. I expected this. I think Mark was right when he said it was probably a negative that the people knew me from a job that wasn't even on my resume. He said - someone might be wondering, well what else on the resume is a lie? It could also be that they just liked someone else better. Either way, I'm going to where I was "meant to be". I just hope I'll make as much as I would at the other place. My impression is that they have more permanent positions to fill rather than contract, which is always easier to fill. The other company does strictly contract, so I really may make more money.

I read someone's blog last night, I wish I remember who's it was, that reminded me of my mother. I don't know that I ever discuss her. It's because I don't really sit down and think about her at length. She just doesn't exist to me, and I'm not typing that with hate dripping from my fingers. My step father abused me on a regular basis from the time I was about 5 until I was about 16 and he left, before I moved out, and all that time, I thought it was her and I against him. When I left at 16, we didn't really speak, she was so upset I had moved out, saying she had divorced him because of how he was treating me. I always thought "but why now, and not when I was 5?", although I knew the answer to that. She had a boyfriend on the side. I told her I wasn't coming back because there would just be another guy right behind him, and I was right. There were two more guys that moved in within a six month period. One was a drug dealer, the other I never got to know. So I tried to reconnect with her over and over and over throughout the years, and then I started going to counseling. We talked about her at length, and then my counselor had me read a book (I don't remember the name). Somehow, it hit me like a brick. The ONLY person who could have protected me from my stepfather and who was able and who SHOULD have taken care of me was my mother. But she didn't. She allowed me to be beaten. I really don't remember her sticking up for me, except for the time she locked me in the basement when my stepdad was high on drugs and alcohol and loaded a gun, sat in his chair, and played rock music as loud as he could. She was afraid he would shoot me on sight. Even when he picked me up and THREW me down the stairs into the basement and was furious at me for breaking the bannister as I tried to break the fall on the way down, she didn't stop him. She didn't check to see if I was alright. She even held me down one time so he could beat me, saying I deserved it. I'm getting really mad just thinking about it all of a sudden. I really should have told Child Protective Services when they came to visit me at school. I've always wondered who called them. They always asked me why didn't I tell them later on.

So I read this book, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to "grieve" over my mother, over what I had lost - a loving mother that cared for me, my idea of what I thought she was to me. She didn't try to protect me, or care for me (I could go on and on about that, but this is already too long), and now SHE is the one that won't speak to ME? SHE can't understand why *I* left her the second I had the chance?

With my counselor helping me make the decision, I decided the best thing for me to do would be to cut her out of my life. Trying to reconnect with her over and over was only causing me more pain and giving her opportunities to hurt me again and again. She told me lies about what I did and said, and told my brother the same lies about me that he believes to this day. My stepfather called me a liar when I told him what he did to me, but he was already cut out of my life.

I know she's out there and she exists, she probably still does drugs (how can someone be a drug addict and perhaps and alcoholic too for that long and stop without wanting to? I suppose she could, but I doubt it) and she has no idea how to get in touch with me. I told my grandfather, after years of her brainwashing me "not to tell anyone" her little secrets that she was a drug addict. At the time, it didn't seem to phase him, but he was paying her way and she wasn't working, and it was only a matter of weeks and she was in a drug rehab for the first time in her life. That wasn't to be the first time she was in a drug rehab, which is why I don't think she'll ever change, and I don't want to be around her.

My grandfather left my mother, my uncle, my brother and myself a trust fund when he died, to be paid out in a lump sum 12 years from the day he died. We receive dividend checks until that time. Part of the trust fund includes the house she lives in until the trust is up. If she thinks I'm about to give up my part of the trust so she can have the house, she's out of her mind. I would hire an attorney and pay 100 times what is owed to me just so that she doesn't get my portion of that house. She could easily just give me the cash instead from the fund, but she is the most greedy person I know. She lived off of my grandfather, not working, until he died - when she was probably in her 40's. I don't think she'd ever had a job until then, she's never owned a home, she's never bought a car...do you see where I'm going with this? She's now about 56, and she's never done any of these things. My grandfather tried to make me the responsible one in the family when I turned about 10 years old.

Okay, that's it about my mother whom I don't acknowledge. I don't even think about her on mother's day anymore. I used to send her huge bouquets of roses in an attempt to get her to talk to me, but that stopped YEARS ago. Maybe she's mad because I told her precious secrets. I know she's mad that I didn't invite her to my high school graduation, but I didn't invite anyone, they just showed up. But she's the ADULT here, I'm the CHILD.

Why can't she see that? Cutting her out of my life was the best thing I could have ever done. Mark has never questioned it - he believes it's the best thing, too. I think he would be upset if I tried to reconnect with her again, anyway, because my emotional state is so fragile as it is, and that would just put me over the edge. I think it puts her over the edge, too.

I'm going to start posting positive messages for awhile, I think.
Thursday, June 08, 2006

I was so STUPID!

Why am I such an idiot? My recruiter called and said the Director sent him an email saying the company I interviewed with yesterday said they were considering 3 candidates, me included, and were interviewing 2 of them today. They may want to see me again tomorrow and call today or tomorrow.

I called and left a message for the Office Manager that I worked with at a previous company to see if she'd give me a good recommendation and to call back so we could "catch up".

This company did not want me before, why was I so stupid to go and interview there again just to let myself down again and feel rejected?

This company does NOT WANT ME. It just ruins my self esteem each time. I hate myself for going there at all. I should have stuck to the original plan.

The Recruiter I interviewed with (I interviewed with about 5-6 people) was about 25, weighed about 100 pounds, and was really cute. Another place that hires based on appearance only, since she's NEVER recruited before! Is it because I'm fat? I'm ugly? I'm old? What is it about me? Maybe the VP remembered my name. Or maybe they have a cute recruiter that came to interview. But the company I just came from hires based on appearance as well, so what's the deal? I just came from a company where people talked about working for a company of "beautiful people". But like I said, I was just an ugly one who happened to sneak in.

I need to get it in my head that I'll never hear from them again.

I'll never hear from them again, and...it's ok. I just wasn't meant to be there, ever. I just can't believe I was so STUPID and a glutton for punishment.

Please God, help me get it through my head so I'm not sitting by the phone that won't ring. They do NOT WANT ME THERE.

The company that I'm going to wants me. They knew that right away. That's where I belong. I can feel safe and happy and comfortable in that. They are VERY picky, and still chose me anyway. I shouldn't be wondering what is wrong with THEM that THEY chose ME to work with them. I should actually stay loyal to them that they knew they wanted me right away.

Maybe...I can make myself feel better in that even if the company does call me back (which I don't know they will), I think I'll still stay with my original company. They didn't do this to me. They knew they wanted me and didn't play games like this. Not that taking time and considering other candidates is a "game", but I want them to be sure when they meet me, and if they're not like the company I'm going to, then I don't belong there.

Unexpected!

Well, I went ahead and let the recruiter send my resume to the company that I'd been interviewed before TWICE and made a jackas* out of myself about 18 months ago when I'd actually had no Recruiting experience and said I had about 8 and they rejected me. They actually wanted to see me, and within 3 hours!

All the way to the office, I felt like I was taking a beating. Like I said, on one interview about 18 months ago, I had taken so much klonipin to get through it, that I stifled a yawn and just glazed while one of the recruiters talked to me, barely hearing what she said.

But it turned out so differently. From past interview rounds, I've learned to take NO DRUGS before interviews. I arrived at 3:30, and met with the Director, who then introduced me to the head of Sales. He had asked one of his top Salesman to come in to meet me as soon as he could before he came to see me, and as we were talking, the salesman walked in. I hadn't had a chance to look at the salesman, but I heard "I know her! She's a great recruiter - I can vouch for her". I turned around, and it was someone I had worked with before, at a company that's on my blog, but I didn't list on my resume because I'd only worked there for 2 months and the owner was out of his mind and so was Lucy (again, in my blog) who was CRAZY. I was speechless, and he actually said, which embarrassed me more "no need to get flushed". I was shocked - it was like..."my cover has been blown", before I realized how good of a thing this was.

The interview then completely changed. Instead of my selling myself for this job, the interviewers were then selling the job to me. They were acutely aware I start a job on Monday, so the Director tried to introduce me to as many people as possible (that is their protocol), so I met with a total of 5 people, and I suspect there are still more people he wants me to meet. On top of that, the Sales guy I knew said he brought the Office Manager from the same company to the new company along with him, so I knew TWO people at that company who would give me a good reference!

It was shocking, to say the least. This is the first company where I truly felt good "chemistry" of all the companies I've interviewed with. The unfortunate thing is - I don't know that they can make a decision before Monday. I called and sent an email yesterday asking when I could meet with them again, and it's 11:30, and I haven't heard anything, and neither has my recruiter.

Perhaps I'll never hear from them again. But then again, I never thought I'd hear from them for an interview. My recruiter (I know, it's weird for a recruiter to have a recruiter) really does have a good relationship with the hiring manager.

I hope I don't make this post too long. I read that they caught the "bikini murderer" - they guy that strangled the girl with a bikini top. Jerry Inman turned himself in, I believe, and he'd been in prison in Florida for 16 years for sex crimes. He was a registered sex offender. He then went to Tennessee (I believe), murdered Tiffany Souers with a bikini top, also admitted to an attempted rape and burglary, and other charges. But get this - his mother or someone said he is BIPOLAR! I was FURIOUS when I read that! Being bipolar does NOT make someone a sexual sadist/sexual predator/murderer. I get so SICK AND TIRED of people who commit VIOLENT CRIMES explaining it away as being "bipolar off their meds". Talk about increasing the stigma of being bipolar. There are so many of us who are productive in the world and successful at what we do, ablt to function in the real world, and don't shoot cops in the back of the head. When I read that, I saw red.

On another note, I found out about a disease called "tardive dyskinesia". It's a disease that causes disfiguring facial tics (among tics in other places) to people who take antipsychotic psychiatric drugs for an extended period of time. People can stick their tongue in and out without controlling it, their face can become contorted, their eyes can twitch, to where it's very obvious and it makes them look "crazy". There's no known treatment. My psychiatrist never told me about this! They can be really bad and irreversible. Two of the drugs I take - Geoden and Seroquel - can cause this. But how can I go without Seroquel? I hate the drug, yet I have to have it. Geoden, it's possible that I could go without it...maybe. He should have warned me. Maybe he didn't because he knows I'm so vain and I would have rejected the notion of taking them. But I deserve full disclosure. I FREAKED OUT when I read about it. Multi-million $$$ lawsuits have been awarded to people who have, what I found people who are bipolar call "TD". (I posted about it on the Bipolar Forum on my.about.com. It's the best place to get feedback from other bipolars.) I already do this strange thing with my jaw - a cud like thing and something with my tongue where I put it behind my teeth and allow saliva to collect. It sounds gross, but it started when I started Geoden. It's not noticeable - I've checked in the mirror, but I wonder if it's TD.

So I have no idea what company I'll be working at on Monday. I hope it's the one I interviewed with yesterday. Very strange that my life may take a completely different course than I ever imagined.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Will They Like Me?

So the A/C man just came and inspected our A/C units. We need a condensor coil, he "flushed" the lines, and added freon. Totaled, it was $960.00. I was prepared - I knew it could be 2,000 - 3,000 or more, so while $960.00 is a lot, I can't help but feel a bit lucky.

I'm very nervous about starting my new job. Again - what if I just don't "get it", what if they think I'm stupid, ugly, don't want anything to do with me, ignore me, are mean to me, don't let me be a part of the team, I don't have any supplies, don't get a computer...on and on. What if they just don't welcome me there and have "cliques"? I'm sure there are "cliques", but will I fit in? Will they accept me? I know I sound so insecure, but really...I am insecure.

Even though I took my resume off monster and careerbuilder about 2 weeks ago, I'm still getting calls and emails about jobs. To be honest, my resume, although almost all of it is a lie, kicks ass and I know it. I'm told it does over and over, too. I called two of them back yesterday, and actually, they sound pretty darned appealing. One is for a firm that I have already interviewed for - when I had no recruiting experience, but said I had about 7 years worth (around December 2004). I think my recruiter had me interview there 2 or 3 times, and each time, they rejected me. I had NO EXPERIENCE as a recruiter, therefore had no idea how to answer the questions. I know I made an idiot out of myself and that they'll remember my name. I let her submit my resume to them anyway. I'd LOVE to work there, though. I'll never hear anything from that recruiter about that job again. I'm not expecting to hear a darned thing.

The other job is with a large firm also, and it would be working from home. I don't know if I would like that. I would still be eating like a cow, and would I be motivated to do my job without people around? I don't know.

That's about it - except we now have a channel called "Fox Reality" on satellite that I've been recording shows on Tivo like crazy! Everything is on "rerun" of the shows we like, and I've found "My Fair Brady", where Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) is getting married to his Playboy Playmate (she is really kind of trashy) girlfriend to be hilarious, and a show called Solitary, which freaks both Mark and I out. Really, being unemployed for a short time, television is all I have.

What a sad life. I need to go and get a manicure and pedicure before I start my new job. And new shoes, and eventually new clothes once I figure out the new dress clothes, and lose weight, and, and, and....
Sunday, June 04, 2006

Good Self Esteem?

Well this sure is a contradiction to my last posts!

You Have Low Self Esteem 40% of the Time

Generally, you feel pretty darn great about who you are, even when you mess up or fail.
Occasionally, a huge setback will make you question yourself, but you pick yourself up quickly.
Saturday, June 03, 2006

Do I Have a Problem? And What If I Do?

As I was trying to find something to watch on television, I found a rerun of Saturday Night Live with Mary Kate Olsen after she was diagnosed with anorexia. Because I always have my laptop on my lap as I watch television, I did a search for her and the disease as I'm always multi-tasking.

I found a site that was pro-anorexia. As I started reading it, it didn't seem so strange to me, as strange as that sounds. I thought, or I'm thinking...do I have an issue with weight? And even if I do, do I care? Would I want to stop it? No, I wouldn't, or I don't.

I know give the credit of my weight loss to Zonegran and stopping Lithium. But losing 45 pounds? I'm now owning up to my own disgusted feelings about myself and my eating habits since I've left my job. This is the first "breather" I've had in a year. Being a recruiter, in sales, you just go go go and skipping meals, working long hours is not unusual. It's easy not to eat. "I already ate...", "I'm working through lunch"..."I ate a big lunch today...", it's easy. Wednesday mornings were a nightmare for me. That's when we would have a morning meeting and someone would bring DONUTS. It was tricky not to hurt someone's feelings and not eat what they brought, but it didn't fit into my workday eating regime. What I ate, *every single workday*, was the same: Egg McMuffin for breakfast (6 WeightWatcher points) with a diet coke, and a Starbucks coffee if I had time, and nothing until 8:30 or 9:00p until I took my Seroquel and it "kicked in". After that, I'd have a Protein Plus Power Bar, about 300 calories, or a Lean Cuisine Spaghetti dinner, about 250 calories. Sometimes I'd pig out and have both, which would put me at about 1000 calories for the day, and the next morning I would feel so disgusted.

I started the whole thing in February 2005 with a bottle of Phentermine, which gave me this incredible amount of anxiety and energy, but as it stopped working, the anxiety stayed, and it kept me from eating, and I usually didn't even want the Egg McMuffin in the morning. I still ate it, though, because they say people who eat breakfast lose weight more often and faster AND keep it off longer than those who don't.

But now I'm not working, and haven't for about 3 weeks, and the anxiety left, and I've been eating HORRIBLY - ice cream, cheesecake, I don't know what else, but I get on the scale for the month in about 4 days, and I know I will have gained. All I can say is - let's get this over with and start from scratch.

And I just started the whole Phentermine routine again last Thursday when it hit me that I could be in control again. I didn't know how to get control of the situation. I ordered a new bottle, too. My "regular pharmacy site" online thinks I'm 5'2" and 165 pounds. You would think they would wonder why I keep reordering and I never lose weight. I'm actually 5'7" and....I'm sure I've posted my latest weight on a recent post somewhere. I'd rather not go there right now. It's too shaming.

But now I'm worried - what if they make me eat at my new job? My VP LOVED the fact that I skipped lunch everyday and worked through it at my last job. It gives me a good excuse not to eat. He even said he shared my belief - that lunch was just an interruption of the day.

I'm not stick thin. I'm not Olive Oyl or Kate Moss or Angelina Jolie. So how can I have an eating problem? If I do, it's because of my mother. She taught me to hate fat people and their disgusting habits. She taught me they were inferior. On Thanksgiving Day, she would look at me, and say "just think...this is how FAT PEOPLE feel after every meal they eat...". My dad, even though he is obese himself, has taught me the same thing. I gained 5 pounds one summer, and all he did was follow me around and tell me how I gained weight and needed to work out.

And my fiance has NEVER seen me naked. NEVER. For 9-10 years, not once, unless he has by accident only.

But again, I know I sound like a robot, if I'm not stick thin, how can I have a problem with eating?

God, I'm making myself SOUND like I have an eating problem when I don't. I'm NORMAL - trying to get off the extra pounds that I've gained during my journey to "mental wellness".

Wow - how messed up does "that" sound?

I guess the question really isn't "am I worried that I have an eating disorder?". No, that's not the question. The question is more like..."Am I worried that IF (and that's a big IF) I have an eating disorder, I'll be cured and I'll stop losing weight or start gaining?". Yes, that's the question. If (again, big on the IF) I have a disorder, God help me, I don't want to be cured, and I don't want any help, either. If I don't and I'm normal, great. But...I don't exactly want to be this way FOREVER. I don't exactly enjoy it, so if this is normal, then...??? This isn't exactly a topic I'm going to tell my psychiatrist, who holds the strings to the medications that could actually CAUSE weight gain.

No, this can't be normal. But...I don't want to change, either. You have to want to change, and I don't. I'm not anorexic, for God's sake. I'm just overly zealous about what I eat and how it makes me feel.

I would give anything to FEEL thin and to like how I looked and not cringe at my body figure in the mirror, no matter what I weighed.

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