I hate my job and my stupid boss. I hate the people I work with everyday. I hate that I'm so fat that all I see are big pieces of flab everywhere. I hate that I can't even find a pair of shorts. I hate that I BOUGHT a pair of shorts today, just to come and for some weird reason, they fit at the store, and they don't by the time I got home? In about 6 hours? How could THAT happen?
I hate looking for people to fill these stupid jobs. I feel like having a temper tantrum! But I don't know what to have one about exactly! I have a lack of any motivation to do anything - what is worth my energy to do? And yet, I'm so bored I could just DIE, and I crave for something to do that I enjoy and I want to have fun. But how can you when you hate the world, everything around you and especially yourself?
I can't even make a list of everything that I think is just worthless right now. And even if I could, it would be a waste of energy, and like I said, I just don't have the motivation.
I don't HATE certain people. I don't HATE Mark. I don't HATE my blog friends. I like Mark and my blog friends very much. But rather.....I'm very annoyed.
I'm NOT angry - don't confuse hate and annoyance with anger. I'm anything but angry. There's nothing to be angry about. Nothing happened to make me angry or mad. Well, my stupid boss, but he's more annoying than anything.
I hate everything and I'm annoyed with everything.
How can that be possible? Even Mark annoyed me when he was actually trying to be nice. He knows I've been looking for a stupid pair of shorts, and I bought a pair (the pair that doesn't fit after 6 hours of not eating?), and he was checking the balance online of our checking account, and after saying hello, when I walked in, he made a comment. He said "can you let me know about how much you're going to spend when you shop so I can can have an idea of what to budget?" He made it clear that he wasn't saying I COULDN'T shop, just to give him a rough idea of how much I wanted to spend. Well I don't KNOW that. And then no matter how I answer that question, I feel guilty. What's my answer to that question, when I don't even know what I want to buy? $200? $500? Does he mean weekly? Does he mean tomorrow? Does he mean daily? Monthly? I know it sounds like I'm an out of control shopper - it's not that. It's that I don't have anything to DO at lunch time, and I can't stand to sit in the office and work or watch other people eat. If there was a bookstore, I'd sit in a big, comfy chair and grab a book and read it during lunch. Coffee from Starbucks is the last thing I want - it's 100 degrees outside. So there are all of these shops, and I just look around. I don't feel like making friends with people at work, because then what would we do? Go somewhere for lunch? I picked up a ton of stuff today, and didn't buy any of it. I just walked through boutique stores. Mark and I had already had a conversation about shorts, we'd looked for some over the weekend, I couldn't find any I liked, and he knew I was looking for some. I went through probably 5 or 6 stores and you know what I bought over the weekend? One button up white shirt. No, he wasn't mad I bought one stupid pair of shorts today. He wanted a "rough idea" of what to budget. I have a feeling I could have told him just about anything - he was only looking for an answer to plug into his worksheet.
So why is everything and everyone annoying me? Why do I hate everything?
See...this is exactly what I mean. I really just have nothing to put on my blog anymore - there is just nothing to share. An entire entry about how I hate everything.
Why does that even matter? WHAT even matters anymore? Mark matters to me, if I lost him, I would die. But that's going to the extreme. I have to think about losing Mark to think about one thing that matters to me? Well, my dog is already gone...that's the only other thing that would have mattered to me.
Did I never get over my dog dying? That's just too messed up to even think about. Maybe it's PMS, which would explain why a pair of shorts wouldn't fit 6 hours later - maybe water weight gain.
It really doesn't matter. Except...now it does. I feel like I could cry and cry. It started when I thought of my dog? WHEN will I get over that??? Never? Even Mark has asked me when am I going to get over it. I don't know, how could I possibly know that? I just told him everyone grieves differently?
Oh well, I still hate everything and I'm still annoyed, just with a lump in my throat now.
GOD let this be PMS. Maybe I'll take a Midol. AND a Klonipin?
The worst part of the day is when my alarm clock goes off in the morning and I know it's time to get up for work.
THAT is what I have to look forward to - lucky me.