Thursday, August 31, 2006

Just Work Stuff

Something bothered me today at work. Okay, a lot of stuff happened at work today.

The first thing was that College Boy, Account Superstar and Eating Girl all went to lunch together and had sushi. They didn't even invite me! Yes, they know I don't eat lunch. They know I go shopping or work through lunch, and I say all the time that I "don't eat during the day". But how do I know that is the reason they didn't ask me to go with them? Wouldn't it have been polite to ask me to go with them? See, this is why I hate getting emotionally involved and making friends at work. I've really tried not to, and now that I really haven't, I guess I shouldn't bitch.

The guy that lost his job the day before and I contacted him about a position and he wanted something local because he thought his wife might divorce him, he wanted to work it out with her, he didn't think she would move with him, and in any case, he wanted to stay close to his kids, got asked for an interview today. I TOLD him I could get him one within a few days. I don't know if he's happy now or not. He kind of acted like he's been getting other calls now. Oh well - I've done what I can. I don't see how he can do that when he doesn't have a Word resume and I created one for him. Oh crap, I just realized I sent him what I created, and now he can send that to other recruiters. Anyways, his interview is tomorrow. I hope it goes well.

My boss told me "I told you you'd get a "send out" in a day or so if you got me a Basis Administrator for Company XYZ", and I told him "I TOLD you if you submitted him he'd get an interview right away". I then told him he'd get the job. He said how did I know? I told him he was the most qualified of all the candidates we had sent, and he would get an offer. He asked me how qualified was *I* about Basis to even make that determination? I started telling him about Company XYZ's platform, and how this man's background fit, AND how he had interviewed before with this company, but it paid too low for him and he didn't take the job. He blew it off as I was getting my hopes up and I couldn't speculate as to what would happen. I told him I wasn't speculating, and I wasn't getting my hopes up. I told him he would get an offer from Company XYZ. I never say this when I get an interview for one of my candidates. Sometimes I have good "feelings", but I keep them to myself.

The other people in the room have accused me of getting my boss worked up on purpose (isn't that a switch from when he treated me like a dog?), but for some reason, he just lets me say whatever. Don't get me wrong, he still tells me what to say when I'm talking on the phone, and he is always blabbing to me about what to do and what to say which I now ignore and when he says "are you listening?" and I say "yes" and just regurgitate whatever the last thing I heard him say was. He thinks I am BRILLIANT, that I can concentrate so well on my job, and hear all of the conversations he has with everyone at his desk all the time, that he has on the phone with clients, that he says to me, all the while working and talking on the phone. It's called ADDERALL. He'll be giving advice to someone else, not even me, and he'll say "Did you hear that KansasSunflower" just to test me, and I'll say "yes....blah blah blah" (whatever he just said), not even looking up from my computer screen. I've learned to tune him out, yet listen to the words he's saying.

But now, he's doing something very uncomfortable. If I were one of my coworkers, I would be annoyed with me. Today, someone came to talk to him, and he told him he wasn't on the phone enough. He said he had just made 20 calls. He said "Heck, KansasSunflower made that first thing when she walked in this morning, didn't you, KansasSunflower?". Actually, no, I hadn't, and I have no CLUE why he said that. I said "I hate it when you do that". He said "What? What did I do?" with a blank look on his face. He told people in a meeting that I was going to make at least 2-3 deals in September, but said nothing about anyone else. He's always praising me, all of the time, but rarely anyone else, and people are going to start hating me. What am I supposed to do? This boss that used to make me want to cry all of the time has somehow turned on me, and now I'm not sure what to do. So I guess I try to annoy him all of the time to get him to back off?

Who wants to hear my work stories all of the time...blah. But not being asked to lunch really bothered me. And I can tell Eating Girl is getting REALLY upset that he's always praising me. She's on the phone WAY MORE than I am, and then he says I'm on the phone all the time when I'm not. She's always trying to gain his approval, and it frustrates her when he gets in his "moods" and talks down to her. I just blow it off - I'm so used to it, it doesn't even phase me anymore.

It's "my time of the month", which seemed to come early this time, but that means I'll have to weigh myself soon. Not looking forward to it this time. I'll be so disappointed if I weigh the same or have gained, but I'll just have to look at it as having a brand new month to start over.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Recruiter's Worst Nightmare

I can't sleep.

It's after 11:00p, and I'm normally sound asleep by 10:00p, and I've been laying in bed biting the inside of my cheeks for an hour now. My stomach is all tied in knots, and I know if I take anything - I won't be able to wake up in the morning.

Okay, I lied. I took 1 more klonipin. I've already had 2 at 8:30p, what else can I do?

It all started this morning. I found a guy had posted his resume on a job board - a guy that I had called twice and emailed 3 times about a position here in the city this last month! I thought - what the hell! He's posting his resume after I've CALLED and EMAILED him about jobs, but he doesn't call or email me back? I even said something to my boss about it. I said "I think I put a bug in people's ear to start looking for a job when I contact them, but for some reason, they don't contact me back". He started saying maybe my messages or emails weren't compelling enough, but either way, he didn't think that was the problem. So I email and leave a message for this guy...AGAIN.

Well, he actually DID call me back and leave me a message. I called him back, and although I've NEVER spoken to him in my life, he sounded like a beaten down dog. He sounded SO depressed and worn down, with no hope, do you know what I mean? I told him we had open jobs in his field, and he told me he wanted to stay local. That was great - we have local things. He said he needed to start right away, which led into my next normal question...

...."what is the reason for your job search?"

I could tell he hadn't even had a chance to form a story in his mind yet as to why he was searching for a new job. Whatever happened, it had JUST happened. He told me that he had been on medical leave, his company thought he should have been back at work already, they had a miscommunication with his doctor, so they ended the relationship. It didn't DAWN on me what he MIGHT have been saying until about 10 minutes ago.

He no longer had a laptop (the company's), so he didn't have a copy of his resume, nor did he have a copy of MS Word (I thought that was bizarre). I took his resume off of a job board, put it into a text file, sent it to his personal email address, and told him to update it, and sent the *txt file back to me. I then told him he could apply for ALL of the jobs in his field at once if he wanted to - he didn't have to pick just one. He could choose all we have in the country.

He didn't like that immediately. No, he doesn't own a home. He rents. He then goes on to tell me that his wife might divorce him, he'd like to work it out, and in either case, he'd like to be close to his kids. He sounded so defeated.

The only job I had to offer paid $10k less /year than what he had been making. He readily accepted the possibility.

So here I am writing out my deductions so hopefully I can go back to bed and sleep.

He's having marital problems - he has kids that may be taken away - he was on medical leave. This is sounding more and more like psychiatric issues, yes? And the fact that it didn't sound like he fought it much at his last place of employment makes sense because who wants to fight to keep your job and be discriminated against if they're already trying to get rid of you? My boss told me it sounded like he could have cleared it up easily enough and I agreed, but now that I think about it....no...it wouldn't have been so easy had they wanted to get rid of him.

If he was out of work for say....6 weeks, maybe in a psych ward and then counseling after that, that could cause a big issue in this industry. A looming divorce, losing your kids...and for what reason, I don't know. That would be enough to send someone over the brink. He said he'd lived here his whole life, so no telling how long he's known his wife - she may have lived here her whole life too, but now I'm speculating.

I guess this is all speculation.

So this is a recruiter's worst nightmare. When you actually CARE about someone. I care a great deal about people - and that's why I love my job. I get to find people jobs. But in this case, he HAS to find a job. And he may have a mental illness, how do I know? I DO know that tomorrow, I will have to ask him.

No, I will not say "do you have a mental illness". I will probably say something like..."you mentioned you were out on medical leave. Is there anything I should know about required doctor's appt's that you'll be needing so we can start building our case for any company now?" or somehow make it sound to his advantage. Which it will be - I mean, we need time to spin it into a positive.

Who knows. He could have broken his leg or his back and been out on workman's comp and suing the company.

But I wish you could have HEARD him. The desperation. The helplessness, lack of hope, unworthiness, defeat. True, he had probably just been fired, and I had just spoken with him within hours of it happening and he was still in shock. I found that I must have made him feel better about his options because he was in a better mood, and I called him back, and he thanked me repetitively, although I'd done nothing but sent him his resume in a *txt file.

It makes me want to FIGHT for him. I don't like getting caught up so emotionally. I have to somehow detach my emotions from my job, or it gets in the way of my judgment. But this one has already gotten to me.

Losing your kids? Your marriage? Your job? Out on medical leave? That's worse than everything that happened during my visit to the psych ward. At least I had a job to go back to, a fiance that supported me, no kids, and the company would not allow me to set foot on the property until I had a note from my doctor approving my return to work.

I could be way off on this, and you're only getting my spin on things. If I tried to tell my boss, he'd say what he always says.."It does no good to speculate". Besides, I have NO IDEA what he thinks of the mentally ill, but I have a good idea he would see it as a character flaw.

If my boss ONLY KNEW who he was really working with - who his "favorite person" REALLY was. I say favorite, because he actually treats me that way in meetings and in front of everyone. I used to think he hated me more than anyone. I don't know when that changed. I do know he knows I recruit more for him "than the whole office put together", or so he says, so that's probably why.

But still, if he knew I was bipolar? He'd crap his pants.

Maybe I can go to sleep now that I've vented...I just hope I can get him a phone interview "within days" like I promised him if he'd update his version of his resume and get it back to me.
Monday, August 28, 2006

To Live, To Write

To live, is to battle with fiends in the vaults of heart and mind.
To write: that is to sit in judgment over one's self.
(Ibsen)

Do you believe that to be true? When I really think about it....yes, I do. Quite a negative connotation of life.

Two Things On My Mind...

Before I do anything, I want to get two things off my mind that is bothering me...


Yesterday, we were coming home from the store, and a house in our home association was on FIRE. Mark had to drive back around so I could see, and sure enough, there were about four firetrucks, the street was blocked off, there were at least 20 firemen on the OUTSIDE of the house, ladders on top of the house, up to the windows, policemen, ambulance, just all of these blinking red lights. I was in shock. My "bubble" had been burst. Sure, I hear every day about murders in our city, babies being left in the car and dying from heat, I watch "Forensic Files" everyday, and American Justice, too. I'm totally desensitized to human tragedy. But my neighborhood is supposed to be SAFE. I walked into our house, and I just wanted to give it a big hug. My house was OKAY. I whine, complain, bitch and moan over the most trivial things, while my neighbor's house was just on fire. A catastrophe could happen at any moment, and whatever I was thinking just 10 seconds before will seem so trivial. I will feel lucky, hopefully, that everything turned out okay - lives will still be intact - my home will still be safe. My home is very special to me, I didn't realize how much so until yesterday. If we had a fire, sure, we have fire insurance, but it wouldn't be the SAME. Mark and I picked every last little bit out about this house when we were building it - the whole thing is US, TOGETHER, and means so much more than just money, as I'm sure their house does to them, too. If our home was violated in that way - if we had a fire in our house, it would never be the same. I would never feel safe here again. I could never get over it as long as I lived here. I've driven by the house twice now since then - both today - and it seems okay enough. They have HUGE trash bag after trash bag stuffed with insulation and other house-related items that would be ruined in a fire, but I'm really glad their house is okay - at least, as far as I can tell from the OUTSIDE. How can you tell when a brick house has been burned? The roof looked fine, and no windows were broken.

But that's enough of that. It really effected me, and I have no idea why. I can't stop myself from driving by and looking. It's not a curious thing, it's an EMOTIONAL thing.

The other thing I've been thinking about is my age. I know people feel so old once they reach a certain age, and I look back now to when I started feeling "old", and realize, I wasn't that old after all. Which makes me realize, I feel so old now, but in only two years, I will wish that I was this age now. So I try to MAKE myself relish how young I am right this very second, telling myself that I'll never be as young as I am again RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, but I can't make myself. How can you make yourself appreciate your age, when you have nothing to compare it to? If you're 35 - how can you appreciate being 35 if you're never been 40 or 45? (Not that I'm saying I'm 35). I just never tell people how old I am - period. And I never tell Mark, either. I'm sure he adds it up in his head well enough, but it's like...if I don't tell him for long enough, he'll forget and think we're the same age. I'm sure that's not true, but I pretend that to myself.

When I look in the mirror, do I see myself the same way as everyone else sees me? Because if I do, then I don't look that old. Am I just not allowing myself to see how old I really am because I couldn't bare to see it? Sure, people always guess way lower than what I am, but isn't that the polite thing to do, anyway? And especially with Mark being younger than I am, they just assume, I guess. How do I know what someone my age is SUPPOSED to look like? And if I saw that picture, would it totally depress me and freak me out because I would then think I looked that old? Aside from about 10 gray hairs that grow out in my bangs, that's about the worst of it...oh yeah, and crinkle wrinkles when I smile or squint my eyes or something. But is there more that I don't let myself see? A lot of fine lines? Probably. I stay clear of the magnifying mirrors - I just don't want to know.

How can I let myself appreciate something when I have not experienced anything yet to appreciate it against? I don't know what it's like to be 50, so I have nothing to compare this experience to. I can appreciate what it felt like to be 18, and now I feel that my youth has slipped, or is slipping, away. I guess slipped? I have no idea.

I guess I should just be thankful our house isn't on fire. Mark just told me he has driven past the house, too, and from the trash bags on the front yard, it looks like the fire got into the attic. That would explain the ladder on the roof. How does a fire get into an attic? The only thing I can think of is it started on the second floor (the house is two stories), and rose that high. Or, Mark said, it started on the first floor, like in the kitchen, and rose up to the attic. That just can't be. The house would have been an inferno if that happened, wouldn't it?

I'm actually so much luckier than I ever knew. I should definitely count my blessings and stop my bitching.

All I ever do is whine and complain about how miserable my life is, when really...Mark is safe, my home was safe, and I never knew how lucky I was when Cody was safe. That's what I mean. You never know when something is going to be taken from you, so you should just appreciate it, even your age, while you have the chance. I need to TATTOO that somewhere on my body where I can read that all the time, but then, just like everything else, I'd become desensitized to it very quickly just the same.
Sunday, August 27, 2006

What IS IT that I DO?

So...I'm down to 2 Adderall, and of course, now I can't send in a letter to my pdoc's office requesting they mail me a new prescription, because it won't get there in time for them to send me a new script and get it refilled. I will have to haul my butt to into my pdoc's office. You can't get refills on Adderall, in case you're wondering. It's a controlled substance. Every time I need a new prescription, it has to be written on a "secure" (meaning - it has to have a photo of my doctor's fingerprint) single page form for one of these meds, my name, birthdate AND age, gender, address, and diagnosis on it. If any one of these pieces of information is missing or slightly wrong or unreadable, BOOM. The pharmacy WILL NOT fill your prescription. My doctor accidentally put the wrong year once - my prescription didn't get filled. Another time, he missed my birthdate. Again, no prescription filled. All of this information goes into a searchable database by the government so they know who is taking what at any given time. My medicine is actually LOCKED somewhere in the pharmacy. The clerk has to ask the pharmacist when I'm there to check to see if there is enough medication to fill the prescription, and when I go pick it up, they have to ask again to go get it for me. This is a PAIN IN THE ASS. If I truly did not think Adderall was beneficial to me, there is no way in hell I would go through this hassle. But...since I've been taking it, no more "ditzy" comments, no more "dumb blonde" jokes coming my way...I don't lose my keys, and I can actually concentrate! I can get to the end of a paragraph and remember how it started! There are other benefits that I've taken for granted now. But...I haven't taken an Adderall today - I took 2 diet pills instead to keep me out of bed all day. I never thought to do as Mark just suggested, to take 1/2 a capsule instead of a whole one - especially when I only had 4 left and could have stretched it out until I got my new prescription. But with two, forgetaboutit. And since my doctor is only open from 1:00 - 5:00 daily (and I think he's off on one day, too), it REALLY makes it hard to go into the office. I *think* that if I go tomorrow without an Adderall, the half life will be completely gone and I'll be majorly sick. I *think*. One time I got a really bad stomach virus - it was the WORST, but was also out of Adderall and Klonipin, too. Once Mark got home with both, I took both, and boom, I was better in a few hours. I'm starting to fill a little bit of the spins...but who knows?

But that was way more information than I cared to share. Just background info. Mark keeps asking why I'm acting so strangely today. I keep telling him - I haven't taken my Adderall, and I completely forget I haven't taken it until he says something about why I'm acting so strange, I remember, and then snap at him "what do you expect when you miss a drug you take every day?" He told me I've taught him not only to notice when I'm acting differently, but to comment on it and bring it to my attention. I demand that of him. I do?

I got to thinking about my boss. I thought he was a horse's ass - at times, I still think he is. But slowly, I'm training him, I've noticed. He still has his bad moments. He means well enough, and he's cut his crap out and is being more "sensitive" because of me, isn't that funny? But somehow along the way, I've taught him the same thing I've taught Mark. He'll look up and ask me what's wrong - I'll say nothing, and he'll say "I never know what you're thinking...are you sure?", or "something's wrong, you're acting strange, did I do something?". He won't understand why I say what I say when he makes a comment, so I told him I'm always thinking 2 comments ahead of what he's already said. He took this to heart. I said something that didn't seem to make sense to him when he was talking to someone else (but it just didn't make sense to HIM), so he explained to the person he was talking to "she is always thinking two steps ahead of what you just said" very matter of factly. He is now trying to explain me to other people. AS IF he knows me. And now, it seems like he feels he has to watch for my moods, and point out when I'm acting strangely and ask what's wrong.

What do I do that makes people do that around me? Am I THAT bipolar that people have to watch out for my moods? Do I demand this of people to keep harmony in a relationship? Or do they choose to do this for whatever reason with me because there is something about me that they can't figure out? Mark, I can understand. He's seen me in just about every mood there is, and is "trained" to point out changes due to my illness. But strangers who don't even know I'm ill?

Hey - I'm not complaining. People being careful around me to try and not hurt my feelings is ok by me. I don't like being treated harshly - it DOES hurt my feelings very easily. I'm really sensitive to criticism.

Oh yeah, why I started this post. See the effect of not taking Adderall is having on me? Yeah, I've got to figure out a way to go to the doctor this week to get my prescription refilled, and my boss hates anyone missing work even for a little bit. I work probably 20 miles from my doctor's office, I'll have to sit and wait for my prescription, and then drive back, and I can't do it at lunchtime. We're talking 1 1/2 - 2 hours out of work because of my procrastination.

That's part of being bipolar, right? Procrastination?

Therapy

I've been thinking for awhile that it might benefit me to start going to therapy. I've been through the whole therapy routine before, two or three times, for YEARS, and I don't exactly look forward to it. Right this very second, if you asked me "what is bothering you? what would you like to talk about?" I wouldn't have anything to say. I guess I would just say "I'd like to know the difference between bipolar symptoms and what is really me...", but if asked to name a symptom I'm currently having, I don't have one RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. If I look back in my blog this week, sure, I'd see some. I'd have to explain what I DID feel. Probably...self loathing. Maybe perfectionism - giving it 100% or 0% (which Mark laughs at me being a perfectionists). But that would put me back into going through my whole childhood story again, and I just don't want to go there again. It's not that I'm "scared" of what I'll find out, but if you've already spent YEARS discovering how it's affected your life and coming to terms with it in individual sessions, PLUS group therapy sessions, that's the last thing you want to do. And...drudging up those old memories that have long been put to rest won't do me any good. Like I said, I came to terms with it years ago.

So why am I going to to therapy? I dunno. It just seems like the right thing to do as a bipolar? Isn't it? I'm sure there will be occasions when I'm glad I have a therapist to vent to and help me through issues, right? I know I have personality flaws that could be improved. I know that this whole month has been a serious of ups and downs which I don't feel right this very moment, so it's hard for me to judge. Even writing this post I'm thinking "but I really don't have anything to say..."

I found a therapist (she's called a Psycho-Therapist) 1.2 miles from where I work who has hours until 9:00p M-W. That should satisfy my boss - being able to stay as late as I need to on those days. I left her a message, but for some reason, therapists never call me back. I sent the number through email to work, and I guess I'll call from my cell phone in my car on Monday to make an appointment. I can't exactly explain that I'm bipolar with everyone sitting around me. And then - I'll have to see if she'll still take me as a patient knowing I'm bipolar (I know, everyone is thinking why wouldn't she? But it's happened to me before - either not calling me back, or on the first visit.) Also, I'll have to call my insurance company and see how many visits they'll allow me. Why in the hell am I saying I'm going to the therapist to get visits approved? I can't just say "because I'm bipolar", can I? I guess I'll say "because my psychiatrist says I'm depressed and thinks I need therapy". Then again, they could call him and he would say he never said that. Okay, sigh. I guess I'll just say "I'm bipolar and on mood stabilizers and...." and what?

See, I don't even know what to say to get the visits approved.

I used to. There always used to be a REASON I was going to the therapist. But my mood changes daily. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad, I hate myself...maybe it's all normal, see...that's what I want to know - is that normal? Don't NORMAL people generally have normal to good days every day, and then boom, they have a bad day or a bad week or even month, and then go back to having normal to good days again? Their moods don't change on a daily basis, right?

I have no idea what to even say when they ask me "so why do you think you need to see a therapist?" I'd love to blame it on my psychiatrist, but I can't. It would be a big fat lie. As far as he knows, I'm doing okay. I have anxiety issues, yes, but I'm learning to deal with that on my own without extra medication (because my Lord, what else could he possibly prescribe in addition to what I am already taking for anxiety?). He knows I get depressed (but I refuse to triple my Seroquel dosage, and he knows that too). I can't really think of any secrets between he and I. He even knows I used to take 8-10 Seroquel when I couldn't deal with issues to sleep the day/night/day away. That was years ago, though, I think? Actually, I think I've done it recently. Not 8-10 at once, but just enough to keep me "numb" and not thinking for several days at a time and keep me in bed, then waking up and eating ice cream. When I've physically "crashed" for a few days at once when I worked at the other recruiting firm with high stress. I blame the SITUATION, though. Just not a good environment for a bipolar. But...not a good reaction, either.

I'll think of something....I just know it's supposed to be the right thing to do, right?
Friday, August 25, 2006

It's Friday Night!

Which means I made it through another "Date Night", I can read my favorite blogs this weekend, and hopefully get off my butt and go do something fun this weekend! :-)

I had a pretty day, I guess! I suppose a week of moodiness has to give eventually, right? Mark, being the freak he is, asked me why I didn't style my hair the same way it was done when I got back from the salon last night. I told him I TRIED, but I couldn't make it look exactly the same. After saying my hair "looked the same, only shorter" when I got home from the salon, NOW he says "but it looked so SEXY last night!" Well, that's good and bad. First, great, he liked my hair. Bad, he lied when he said it looked the same, which I knew it didn't. And boo to him for asking me why I didn't just style it the same way. Man, give me a little time to get used to this new style!

I thought men were just beyond me and I was so annoyed with them all. But today, they actually surprised me. I think every single guy I work with (except one...Account Superstar, because of course...what did it have to do with HIM directly?) said my hair looked great! Normally, what guy even notices you get your hair cut? And then to say "hey, it looks great - really, it does!" Maybe it DOES pay off to go to a great salon...I thought it would. Even my boss! The SECOND I sat down, he said "You got your hair cut! It looks really good!" Now that's a bizarre thing coming from someone who is normally focused on his computer screen or the phone or what's coming out of my mouth (words wise). The guys were really nice today. Not that they aren't normally, they typically are (Account Superstar and my boss excluded).

I made a placement at work today! I placed the SAP ABAP Manager at a Fortune 500 company in my city, and you'd think I'd be more excited, but it just makes me worry about what I've got going on NOW that might or might not lead to future deals. That already seemed like it was in the past, but it's good now that it is official. He's actually moving from Iowa to Texas to take the job! For $40k less a year! I'd like to say I was THAT good of a recruiter, but I'm not. I think he wanted to live here anyway.

I bought Mark the funniest shirt today! I guess you'd have to watch Saturday Night Live to "get it", but I saw it in the Urban Outfitters window near my office, and it SO reminded me of him. It says "More Cowbell" on it with a picture of a cowbell! We've watched that episode so many times and laughed so hard. When I told him I had a surpise for him, he acted less than thrilled, and I told him he probably wouldn't want to keep it, but just look at it, and I'd take it back (he thinks he's above wearing t-shirts). He had a puzzled look on his face when he took it out of the bag, and then started laughing when he saw it, and even though I told him I was taking it back and had left the tag on it, he said "I think this is a keeper, but I don't know what to wear it with, and I can't wear it in public". I think that's his way of saying "thank you"? If you haven't seen "More Cowbell" yet, you HAVE to see it - I think it's really funny. Click Here for More Cowbell Video

I think yesterday, when I was at the salon and I sat down to get my hair colored, was the first time I actually saw that I was thin. I was talking to some girls at the front while I waited for my appointment and was admiring the shirt one girl was wearing. Then I sat in the chair to talk to my colorist, and as I was looking in the mirror, I thought..."gosh, I look so THIN." I think I was comparing myself to the girl I was just talking to who I thought was thin. It was a bizarre feeling - like you're actually seeing yourself for the first time. The skin around my face looked tight and not chubby, etc. Maybe it was the lighting?

So today, I went shopping, but not to buy anything (as is usually the case, but I get in trouble sometimes). I tried on just regular old Levi's, except they were cute - they were "skinny" Levi's - I think that just means the legs are skinny. I thought SURELY simple LEVI'S doesn't change their sizes smaller or larger after all of these years. These must have been special Levi's because they were $70! Have you ever seen Levi's that cost that much? I never knew they could be more than like...$35 tops. Anyways...I grabbed a 7, and then a 5 for good measure (thinking - whatever, I'll never fit into these), and sure enough, I was in between the two sizes. A Size 6, just like I thought. And the weird thing is...I'm actually EATING. Mark said to me...I have no idea how you're losing weight. Yeah, I dunno either? Except...I only eat in the morning and at night. I don't snack in between either.

I guess I did buy something. I bought the "More Cowbell" shirt, AND! This is almost too private to write about. I've been having issues with panty lines on my business pants. I don't wear hose because it's summer and I wear sandals. I haven't really known what to do - go without? So I went to Victoria's Secret, and just told the girl my problem. She showed me some panties that didn't leave a line, and then I thought, well this is just silly. I should have bitten the bullet YEARS ago, only I just couldn't. I came "out of the closet". I told her I'd tried to wear a thong before several times, and I just couldn't get used to it. How should I do it? And what ones would be good "starter thongs"? (HAHA - I actually used those words - starter thongs!) She told me she had to try about 3 or 4 times to get used to it, and showed me these really light cotton thongs (that I'm wearing right now!) that would be comfortable. She's right...it's NO BIG DEAL. I had just tried the wrong thongs. Now I'm wondering...if I just get used to it, why would I wear anything else except for when it's that time of the month? I HATE panty lines or any line of any sort. It really is no big deal...

I'm almost out of money in my "allowance" account after my hair appointment and buying a new purse, but that's okay. There's nothing I really need until next month anyway, whenever more money gets deposited into it again. It was fun while it lasted, I needed to get my hair done, I needed some new clothes and a purse, underwear, bras, shirts, everything I bought I needed. Next month, I won't be buying so much that I NEED. It will just be outfits. I can get by on what I have until next month, I think.

It's fun "making yourself over". I just hope I don't get fat again, and that I keep losing weight until I'm around 115-120. I'll be happy losing 2 pounds a month until then.

Okay! If you've read this far, here I come to read your blogs! :-)
Thursday, August 24, 2006

Got through another day...

I think I'm just moody - like everyone keeps saying - full moon, or something.

Today, my boss was cranky, and made a few stupid comments and I got mad, but instead, it almost brought me to tears. Then Account Superstar walked to the printer, which is pretty close to me, looked in my direction, and said "KansasSunflower has an attitude". Just like that. I REALLY thought I was going to cry then. HE was picking on me too? My friend that "eats all the time" turned around in her chair right away and said "yes she does, that can mean two things you know, positive or negative, and I think she has a very positive attitude!". She said it so quickly after Account Manager said it, I was shocked. But way before that, Account Superstar, was saying SOMETHING about me, I assume, I looked in his and College Boy's direction, and he said out loud "turn around", when I was only going to ask College Boy to log off an account. Who does the F he think he is?

This time, instead of making me crazy mad, it was all I could do not to start crying. At the last minute, I thought...ah ha! Klonipin! And then I remembered...I left it at home. So I went home, grabbed it, took THREE, and went back to work. My mood changed DRAMATICALLY. I asked my boss if his cranky mood was over, and we discussed how he was talking to me, really...me and eating girl, this morning, and how he didn't mean it. When Account Superstar left for the day, I asked eating girl if she could tell there was tension between Account Superstar and myself. She said "are you kidding? ALL OF THE TIME!" I didn't even know it was that bad.

See...we had this meeting this morning. It's to go over every single interview we have going on as an office, and where they are in the process. Some are out since last week, some are still in and in the next step, and some are "deals". Well, we have little contests, and each week, I always win as the recruiter having the most "active interviews". Today I had 8 - the closest recruiter to me had maybe 4.

I had an active interview with every single Account Manager except two. One of them I've been talking to about how to recruit for his only account because I don't understand the technology, and he's been helping me. The other one, of course, was Account Superstar, and I'm TOTALLY not working with him, and have pretty much scratched all of his jobs off of my list. Why waste my time giving him people when I get no feedback and he doesn't place any of them? And he KNOWS that, and I've TOLD him. There are NO SECRETS between he and I and this issue. Besides, he has all of these little recruiters just begging him to take their resumes, like he's some kind of god, so why does he need my help? HOW he makes so much money every month is beyond me, but it's a proven waste of my time.

It was after this meeting that he acted pissy towards me - more so than normal. He's like a spoiled brat.

It was when I really thought about it...what was the tension between us...really? Of all the recruiters, probably 15 or 20, why would he care if *I* recruited for him? Why would he care if *I* seemed to have an attitude? Why does he even bother saying anything when he doesn't give anyone the time of day unless he decides to "make their day" by gracing them with his presence (I am SO not kidding here).

Is it a different kind of tension, other than work related? People can feel it that work around us, so what is there to feel? I don't think "I'm not going to talk to Account Superstar" as I walk by him. I'll probably say hello - not in as nice of a way as someone else that I actually like, but I'll be cordial.

Could it be sexual tension? But aren't you NICE to someone that you're attracted to? Why are we doing this childish bickering then? Why do I get so mad at him I can't stand it? But then again, would it not matter so much to me if it were someone else? Well...part of that reason is that I'm sick of people treating him "holier than thou", I don't think he deserves the treatment, and refuse to bow down to him. I refuse to recruit to him, I refuse to do anything for him. He gets to sit there through whole meetings and hear people talk about my candidates, knowing FULL WELL I haven't given him a single one.

You know, why is this post even about him? I should just delete it, but tomorrow, when he pisses me off again, I can look back and laugh at myself as to what I was even thinking.

Maybe my life DOES always need some kind of drama.

I got my hair cut and highlighted today at one of the top salons in the city. Mark is so mean - he just said "looks the same, only shorter". No, it does NOT look the same. A friggin' trainer of colorists in Texas colored my hair! He can't even give me a compliment when I need one.

What is wrong with MEN????
Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I think it's starting...

I'm starting to not get over things, things are making me nuts, and I'm not getting over it. They are driving me CRAZY annoyed and mad.

Yesterday, it was this girl that sits next to me. She eats CONSTANTLY. And she eats WHILE she is on the phone. I don't know if people can hear her eating while she talking or not, and I listen to see if I can tell, and I think I can tell. It's a pet peeve of mine - eating and talking on the phone. She'll heat things up all day long and eat them, eats candy, or crap that she's always pouring into her hand and dribbling it out straight into her mouth with her head tilted upward, and it's just gross to me. It is CONSTANT. It friggin' ANNOYS me. She is thin enough, it's not that she can eat whatever she wants, it's that she annoys me because she is always frickin' eating. I wish she'd stop for just one second, because obviously, she can't even stop to eat while she works! I want to shout "can't you stop eating for one second??" And I actually LIKE this girl! She was out today, so I got a reprieve from her annoying me with her eating.

But today, it was Account Superstar. I had sent him a list yesterday of the people I had sent him resumes to that he hadn't given me feedback on (dating back to early July), and told him, very nicely, that I'd like to know the status of the jobs or the people, and at the end (because it's been bothering me for awhile), that as soon as I knew some feedback, I'd start recruiting for his jobs again. I didn't say it like THAT, I said it in a way that you kind of had to read into it to see what I was saying. He sent me a memo, RIGHT AWAY, that said "they are all out for various reasons". You can imagine how PISSED I was about that. There was no doubt in my mind whatsoever. He was checked off in my mind. That was it - no Account Superstar existence for me any longer. A few minutes later, he may have had a chance to re-read the memo and realize what I was saying, he responded AGAIN to my original memo, giving me updates on the COMPANIES, but not the people.

Today, he walked by my desk, and told me that after an hour of someone giving him two resumes, he had two interviews lined up for them. That didn't change my mind at all. I didn't even acknowledge his existence beside me. But see, you don't understand. The office just doesn't TREAT Account Superstar like that. He walks around and expects special treatment from everyone, and gets it. Even from my boss.

So later, with everyone working and it's dead quiet in our little "room", but my boss out of the room, of course (this crap ALWAYS happens when he's not there), he said "I never got a response from my emails yesterday, KansasSunflower". Who the hell does he think he is? The principal? I didn't even look up or at him. I said "I didn't know they required a response." Sounds like a simple enough response, right? Not when you're talking to Account Superstar. Everyone laughed - and it's not even funny, right? People just don't talk like that to him - THAT is why they laughed. He said something like...you could send something just to show you cared at least. Why do I care? He's been checked off in my mind. I'm so furious with him that he simply does NOT EXIST to me. Except in my blog, of course.:-)

When he was out of the room, I was telling my boss how mad it made me when I didn't get feedback from Account Managers about my candidates (see, I can't just let this go...), and really, it was just one that I had an issue with, and he then assumed I meant him, and tried to give me all of this feedback about my candidates. I had to explain NO, it's NOT YOU, but he didn't understand why, if it wasn't him, why I wasn't just saying who it was. He said if he were me, he said he would send an email to that Account Manager with a list of the people and ask for feedback. I said I ALREADY DID. I said "if you don't get feedback on your candidates that you submit, and nothing is really coming of people you give to that Account Manager, as a recruiter, wouldn't you just give up and move on to other jobs? I mean, why would I waste my time?" I've asked Account Superstar directly a few times about my candidates before, and he's given me smart ass comments - he's just a smart ass. But, my boss agreed - he said it would piss him off.

So we're all sitting there, it's dead quiet, and my boss is giving us feedback because he really took to heart what I said, and there are only 2 Account Managers in our "room". My boss, and Account Superstar - the others are in other "rooms". My boss said loudly "this is what we do, isn't it Account Superstar? We give a lot of feedback to the recruiters about their candidates?" in a happy way. I just put my head in my hands, and he said "What? What did I do?", and I just shook my head. He said "Oh...is it HIM? HE'S the one? I didn't know! I swear I didn't!" Of course he didn't. Account Superstar does no wrong, right? And Account Superstar, I'm sure, heard this whole conversation.

I can't even LOOK at Account Superstar without getting pissed. Just thinking about him makes me furious. I honestly am sitting here, and even when I'm not thinking about him, my body feels charged with anger.

Why do I feel so angry, still? Everything is annoying the HELL out of me, and maybe I'm just channeling it to whatever it is at the moment.

Mark just said he's glad for once it's not him, and that he thinks I might be dysphoric.

No, it's not Mark, for once. It's that asshole at work who thinks his shit doesn't stink. He's used to people kissing his ass, and I refuse to do that, and if my boss wants to do it, he can fire me to keep Account Superstar happy. I recruit a LOT for my boss, more than anyone else, and I can't believe he would fire me to make AS happy.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow when that girl starts EATING again.

And Account Superstar, can't I just ignore him? Won't he let me? Yes, I know that I'm the one who gives more resumes to Account Managers - maybe DOUBLE - than any other recruiter, but it's not my fault he pissed me off. I do a good job, so he should be nice to me. He's being an asshole, I have my own "business" to run, and I just don't have time to waste on his prima donna ways. Time is money. And my time with him isn't getting me any money, it's just a big waste. And making me FURIOUS.

Mark mentioned I might be dysphoric. At least this will make me stop and think tomorrow before I say something or do something if I get angry.

I've been AWFULLY moody for at least the past week. I should have known something was about to come...or still coming?

And I have this HORRIBLE headache - it's really bad. I don't know why, but it seems fitting...
Monday, August 21, 2006

Hate Me

Okay...so here's a new one.

Where does THIS symptom fall in the "bipolar symptom" chart? Manic? Depressed? Mixed? Or is this just me and my personality?

I've been listening to music more than normally lately. This is usually a red flag to me that I'm becoming depressed or manic. But now it's more like, listening to particular SONGS over and over. "Creep" by Radiohead was one of them, and you'd think it would be getting old by now, right? Not really.

I've started analyzing what I'm drawn to, and they're songs about self-loathing. That's not manic. That's not necessarily depression. That's more about hate. You could SAY it's depression, but I would argue it's not. When I looked up the symptoms for bipolar, the closest thing I came to was in the "depression" category that said "feelings of worthlessness". That doesn't exactly explain what I feel. I don't feel worthless. Quite the contrary. I think I'm very productive and do a great job at work. I think I'm highly respected by my peers (with a few recent incidents excluded). But...I think my feelings about myself is affecting my relationship with Mark. I push him to feel the same way about me that I do about myself. Does that make any sense?

Here's an example of a song I listen to again and again lately (attention, these are LYRICS - someone asked me to say when I was posting lyrics, and not my own writing)

Hate me today...Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me today...Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

It's written so that I would be saying it to Mark if I were identifying with the song, yes?

We get along most of the time, we never have knock down drag out fights, he's usually very patient with me, and I'm like the spoiled brat trying to get my way. Yet he puts up with it....why? Why does he never tell me "no" about spending money and give me my own spending account instead? That is still bothering me.

But we've been having little "bickering moments" more than normally lately, and I have to admit...if I really analyzed it, it would probably be my fault. He's the one that's acting like the adult, while I'm being a child.

Is it because of the way I grew up? I've been through counseling for the abuse I suffered (we all have our crosses to bear), but I've never discussed with anyone these huge expectations people had for me that I never lived up to. I wonder if I ever could have, but at the same time...I feel like, yes, I should have.

It's everything from weight, to the way I act and carry myself in public, to the way I speak (I would get in SO MUCH TROUBLE for using not just bad grammar, but IMPROPER grammar by my mother - but please don't judge my website for my grammar!! I try to just let my thoughts flow and not worry what it actually LOOKS and reads like.)

But why, all of a sudden, do I have this...inner turmoil? I don't necessarily feel it, yet...I'm drawn to it, does that make sense? I identify with it.

And I think that's why Mark and I bicker lately. I might be intentionally causing friction, because...perhaps I'm trying to make him see me as I really am? Or at least how I perceive myself to be.

I just don't understand why. Why now. What happened? Where did I go wrong? In my mind, I can justify self loathing when I was 45 pounds heavier. But I'm not anymore, so maybe this self loathing has always been there, I've blamed it on my weight and not thought much about it, and now it has nothing to direct itself towards. But yet...in a way, it does. I hate the way I look. I still hate myself.

Have I *always* hated myself, since I was a kid?

Okay, I guess I said it. I hate myself. It took that many words just to type 3 simple words. If I hate myself, then shouldn't Mark hate me too? Why is he with me? The song "Hate Me" makes sense - hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. Am I pushing him away?

I'm so dramatic, aren't I? I don't sit around and think these things all day long. I work all day, think about work all day, analyze inward on my way home (I'm just thinking of waking up on my way in to work) and analyze myself again once I'm home, and then write a post. But at the same time, I'm playing the same songs over and over. At least Mark likes (or liked) Creep. He hates "Hate Me". The rest of the song doesn't EXACTLY apply to my life, but if you substitute his (the singer) drinking problem his girlfriend saw him through for my bipolar disorder that Mark saw me through, BOOM. You'd have a perfect match.

I don't see a bipolar symptom for this one, so I guess I'll have to chalk it all up to me. I don't FEEL depressed. Self loathing is not depression. Worthlessness is, and I don't feel worthless. *I* don't like *myself*. I never said no one else likes me. People do genuinely like me. At least I feel self confident about SOMETHING.

I would say this is just today...but how long has this been going on now? I've been AWARE of it for about a week now, so in reality, maybe a few weeks or a month?

Or am I just WAY OFF on this one and again, being overly dramatic? Mark has said there always has to be some kind of "drama" going on in my life, but recently commented that I'm a lot better than I used to be. Maybe I just keep it to myself? But if that's the case...I'm not really being dramatic, am I...

I don't know what the hell a bipolar symptom is and what is really me sometimes.

I used to do these silly "daily affirmations" when I started counseling years and years ago. I posted this sheet of paper on my bathroom mirror, and read statements OUT LOUD to myself, while LOOKING at myself in the mirror - things like "I like who I am", "I'm a good person", I actually don't remember what they said, but goofy things like that, so maybe I've always been this way.

I'll probably feel differently tomorrow. One thing is sure - my moods come and go like the Texas weather.

If anyone even remotely knows what I'm talking about, what is it feel like to you? What have you done about it? I surely don't know, and it's something klonipin and no other pill that I have can fix.
Sunday, August 20, 2006

Wedding Plans

Well, after fighting it all of these years, I decided to give in and start to think about planning a wedding - the kind Mark wants, with a church and a reception and the whole nine yards. "Something to look back on, like everyone else has..." he says

I researched Wedding Planners, even though Mark and I went to one a few years ago, to see exactly WHAT they did, because Mark is SO against having a Wedding Planner and wants ME to do it from start to finish. But I found they don't actually DO your entire wedding for you. They just tell you when to start doing things - how much time you have to do them, give you suggestions, help you with a budget, that kind of thing. You still have to do ALL THE WORK. You have to interview photographers and choose one, pick flowers and florists, cakes, a venue, reception, food, invitations, addressing the invitations, and on and on. They do NONE of that.

All I need is someone to tell me WHAT needs to get done, WHEN to do it, and how long I have to do it by. Other than being a "planner" like the name describes, I'm doing all the work!

I explained all of this to Mark, who agreed that made sense - it alleviated all of my fears that I was going to leave something out and I didn't know what to start with or when to do anything, yet I was still doing all the work. I told him HE would have to be involved in every aspect - choosing everything with me. I know that normally a bride chooses almost everything, but this is HIS dream, right? And, he's right, it will be nice to look back on this one day, and it SHOULD be a celebration.

Plus, I read something nasty a man wrote, very spiteful, that if you're a woman and you're not married by the time you're 25, you're pretty much screwed. Well heck, I was 25 MANY YEARS AGO and I'm not married! Although...I WAS married at 25 (haha). Of course I don't believe that's true, but it got me to thinking about this whole thing at least...

So I started talking to Mark about my plan, and how we didn't need to have ALL of the money saved up at once to begin the process, we would just "pay as we went". We could pay $1000 here, $2000 there...and on and on until the wedding day. We could handle that.

He didn't look as happy as I thought he would. He didn't look happy at ALL. Here I was, buying into his whole excuse for not being married yet, and he wasn't excited? I was TELLING him I was going to do all this work, from beginning to end, that a wedding planner would just tell me what I needed to do and when, not the actual work, and he wasn't happy? He said no...now he's worried about money.

WTF? Does he want this or doesn't he? I was looking on the internet at wedding gowns, knowing full well I wouldn't buy one until I lost 10 pounds, but I wanted an idea of what I wanted, and he's worried about money now? THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED!!! I'd be perfectly fine with going to an island, just he and I, and quietly tying the knot and saving thousands! He's always acted defeated and like he'd be "settling" when I've suggested that.

Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I expected him to be overcome with joy, and when he wasn't, I took it to be a negative. Yes, money is a huge factor, and I've POUNDED into his head what he thinks is a ridiculous figure for a wedding. I did it on purpose at the time - to make him see how much money his "dream wedding" was going to cost us. That just sounds so backwards, doesn't it? "HIS dream wedding?"

But if I plan this, it's not going to be some hokey deal, and he knows this. *I* won't settle for anything less than the best, when he would probably settle for less to get what he wanted. If we're going to do this in front of our friends and family, one time only, to look back on one day, we're going to really DO THIS. And he knows I think this. No, I'm not talking 1000 guests at the most lavish reception this city has ever seen. We scratched our heads one night to come up with 100 people we'd want to invite, so that means we MIGHT have 60 people showing up - if that many. Well, I didn't think about guests. Again, I need a wedding planner for this very reason.

I am someone who would rather not lift a finger if I can't give something 150%. Mark will either have to agree to have his "dream wedding" the way *I* want to have it, because I won't go cheap and cheesy. He actually suggested using our own backyard a few weeks ago - nothing against anyone who has gotten married at home - but you just don't live with someone who has preached about not getting married for years and years "unless it's in church in front of God" for a million years, and that's part of the reason his last marriage ended in divorce. Reason being...ex-wife didn't take the commitment seriously. I've always known, she would have cheated on him with a church wedding or not, and I *know* he knows that, but I appreciate the fact that he wants it to be "different" this time around.

He's given me an ultimatum before, but never followed through on it. What if it was all for show? I figured out how I can do all the work myself, figured out a way we can pay for it without saving up all the money at once, and he voices a concern and goes outside?

I'm too old for this. I can't believe that I would just be sitting here with someone who hasn't been planning on being with me for the rest of our lives for the past 9 years, who I've bought a house with, share a joint account with, and been through some of the best and worst times of our lives together.

I'm not talking TOMORROW. It would take about a year to plan this whole thing - at the very LEAST, to save the date for a church and a reception place on the same day.

Well, we BOTH have to be happy. If he won't compromise, neither will I. Not that I haven't warmed up to the idea - I have, I'm actually getting excited. But it's my way or we're not having this "wedding in front of God at a church in front of family and friends".

ADDENDUM: (because I promised I wouldn't delete posts anymore):

We just discussed it again, and HIS issue was similar to mine. Just like I was freaked out over not knowing what to do when, he was freaked out over how much to budget, and not knowing what he would be getting for x amount of money. He has a good point. If someone asked me how much I planned on spending on my wedding, I couldn't answer that. I'd have to say..."well, tell me what I would be getting for my money for x amount?" I told him that's what a WEDDING PLANNER was for - she/he would help with a budget. That made him feel better. He has to know how to budget money every month or he freaks out, hence, my new checking account. He also said...he just wants ME to be EXCITED about it, and that's all he ever wanted. So...I guess my ultimatum won't be necessary...yet.
Saturday, August 19, 2006

What's Wrong? How Do I Fix It?

I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself these days.

I act normally enough but...alone, or when I'm at home, I just wallow in sadness. Why do I do this? Why do I CHOOSE to listen to sad music? Why do I CHOOSE sad or negative thoughts? I don't sit and cry. I don't sleep all day - or even lay in bed for that matter.

Why don't I allow myself to be happy? What's wrong with me?

There's a song that is STILL on the charts, but is barely played now (Bad Day) that will take me back to the Feb-March-April time frame when I HAD a reason to be depressed, and somehow, I made it through. I hear that song, and those same feelings wash all over me once again, and I remember. Cody dying, Mark getting laid off, my job eating me alive, and not knowing if I could get health insurance all at once.

All of that has been resolved, yet? I just need to snap out of this. I need to get up off of this couch, take a shower (it's almost 6:00p on a Saturday for God's sake!), and stop feeling sorry for myself, or pondering what is wrong with me, taking myself apart piece by piece and analyzing how it could be improved in some way because the way it is currently is so rotten that I can't bare for the world to see it or me.

I tuck it away from Mark, he doesn't know or see any of this. He just knows all of a sudden I like to listen to music, especially certain songs, and I'm constantly trying to improve my appearance. He doesn't have a problem with it either, unless he's trying to watch television and I'm playing songs on my laptop.

He made the strangest comment today, and I had to think about it for awhile to understand why he said what he did. I found the cutest dress and asked him if we had any dress-up parties to go to in the near future, so I could have a reason to buy it and wear it (if I even liked it once I tried it on). I had read all about sashes and everything and it just sounded fun. He said "no, my friends have more casual parties, not like your millionaire friends".

What "millionaire friends"? Heck, what FRIENDS? I kept thinking and thinking about what was he talking about after he left the room...and then it hit me. The new job - the new name-brand clothes...he thought that's what I worked with and what I was emulating.

But it's not, and somehow, I've given him this impression. Eventually, he'll meet the people I work with, and I don't think they'll measure up to the image I've now given him in his head.

Something is wrong with me, now I see. It took his off-handed comment to make me realize it.

I think...now this is just a venture of a guess...somehow I feel so awful and ugly inside that I'm trying to package it up nicely with a ribbon and bow so people won't see the ugliness beneath it all. Does that make sense? Maybe that's why the words to "Creep" keep coming to my mind, even though they seemed so foreign at the time.

It's like...I should just SNAP OUT of this. Why do I like listening to sad music? I just don't GET IT. No one knows this but me. Everyone sees happy "KansasSunflower", even Mark. I laugh at things that are funny at work, but I must admit, I'm pretty difficult with Mark right now. Things are a bit strained - his patience is starting to wear a bit thin. He's had strong arguments about issues that I can't deny. He's commenting about how he's having to do everything for me all of a sudden. Is he? And if that's true, why?

My doctor said I was depressed in the March-ish period and wanted me to triple my Seroquel dosage. Well, I doubled it for one month. Not quite what "the doctor ordered". Was I really that depressed, and even now, am I just coming out of it, and this is how I'm dealing with it?

I think there's some truth to what I'm thinking. I don't want anyone to see what's inside of me, and I'm trying to cover it up somehow. I'm trying to hide and pretend everything's okay. Maybe the way I've chosen is by outward appearance - more than just putting on a happy face.

MAYBE...this is kind of freaky to me...MAYBE the lyrics to "Creep" weren't randomly put on my blog like I thought I was doing. I honestly just thought "I love this song, it's been on my mind for a few days now, I'll post some of the lyrics I love".

PLEASE - don't think I'm crying out for help or anything like that. I'm simply using my blog to analyze what the hell I'm doing, because my behavior is so DIFFERENT than it normally is. If I didn't have my blog, I never would have randomly posted those lyrics and Mark's off-handed comments and that song would never have been connected in my mind.

Now I'm analyzing those damn lyrics, and my God, I think subconsciously, I was trying to tell myself something...

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around

You're so f***in' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Yeah...that really IS how I feel. This is bizarre. And it's even more bizarre to blog something, and as you write it out, realize it because you're making yourself focus to put your feelings and thoughts out in a sensible format.

Wow. I guess realizing I've got a problem is the first step, huh?

I'm just going through something - what the hell it is, I have no idea. And I have no idea how to fix it. At least now I know a closet full of new clothes, my upcoming hair appt, and getting my nails done weekly won't fix it, which I never thought it would. I just felt like I didn't have to shrink into the shadows as much.

Maybe I thought by doing all of these things people weren't looking at me *as much* like a freak as I really am. Even if I believed all of these things, I couldn't change right now even if I wanted to.
Friday, August 18, 2006

About Creep...

I didn't mean to upset anyone by my last post. Hasn't everyone felt that way, though? You're at some beautiful place, around beautiful people, who seem to have beautiful lives, and you don't feel like you fit in. You see how different you are than everyone else, and know that they must see it too. You wish you were as special as they seem to be to you...?

I honestly thought by titling my post "Creep" that most would know the words were lyrics to the song "Creep" by Radiohead. (Thanks Moonlightwriter for pointing out it was lyrics!) :-) If no one else ever felt that way, why is that song such a classic of our generation?
Click Here for Creep Video

I'm okay - right now, if you asked me, I would say I had a really good week, but looking back in my blog....no, I didn't, did I? That's why I keep this darned thing! I have a bad memory. How I feel *this very second* is what I think I feel in general. But looking back, it's not. I just happened to have a really good day today.

I might have made a placement, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And when I went to the mall, I bought the cutest skirt at Banana Republic in a size FOUR. I brought a 6 and 8 with me to the dressing room, and had to ask the saleswoman for a 4. But then, the woman in the stall next to me asked for a 4 too, and I looked at her, and she was SO THIN, and I still wonder...why don't I look like THAT? She was even SHORTER than me, yet she was so thin and petite, yet I'm tall and tubby. I still don't understand that. It must have been the skirt - maybe it's made bigger than an actual 4. I showed Mark the skirt and the tag inside that said "4", but he had no comprehension of what I was showing him. He just said I was crazy.

I don't know what happened all of a sudden that made me stop punishing and let myself buy clothes after all of those years. Something happened, and maybe it's in my blog, I don't know.

And...

My boss is kind of nice now. He had to leave early today, and called and left me a message that he was sorry that he didn't answer my last question - he EVEN said "I didn't mean to seem so insensitive" when he was walking out - that his family was waiting for him and he was in a rush. He also said that I was doing a great job, I was a hard worker, and he hoped I enjoyed my job. He left his cellphone #, said he had plenty of time to talk now, to call and ask him anything, or send him an email. If not, have a great weekend and he'd see me Monday. I saved the message, of course. It was such a small act, but it went a long way in my mind from where he and I have come. He's truly trying to make changes in himself, and has been for several weeks now. It's as if...this is going to sound nuts, but we've discussed it...he's found God?

Mark and I bickered about a coffeepot - I wanted one that had a timer and would make coffee automatically so I could have a cup when I woke up. He argued he had some kind of "timer" in the garage he could hook up to the coffeemaker to do that, and why buy a new coffeemaker? Well, why wouldn't we just get a new coffeemaker, and not put some "experiment" together in the kitchen? I didn't want anyone to come over and see this "contraption" on the kitchen counter, to which he said "who ever comes over?". Well, the maids do every two weeks....don't they count? So finally he said "fine, if we can find one for UNDER TWENTY DOLLARS, I'll buy one, but you won't find one for less than $50".

It's as if I have no power in this relationship anymore. He understood my spending money on clothes, but he had to have control over it and put a monthly limit on it. Not that I'm uncomfortable with the allowance - I'm not! But I can't even decide I want a coffeepot now? He gets to choose that we're going to have a timer connected to our coffeepot instead of just buying a coffeepot that was made to do that?

We are even arguing over starch on the shirts from the cleaners. I like my shirts starched, otherwise, they have little wrinkles. He doesn't like them starched, so they aren't going to get starched, period, and he's not going to separate the clothes and tell them "do this" to one pile and "do that" to another (the cleaners is on his way to work, not mine). I asked if he could get them LIGHTLY STARCHED at least. He said no, it hurts his nipples, and his t-shirts are too small because he's gained weight, so he can't wear them under his shirts anymore.

Well, we went to Wal-Mart, and lo and behold, there WAS a coffeepot UNDER $20 with a timer. I was pretty stubborn. I was bound and determined to buy that frickin' coffeepot with MY money, but it became a war as to who was going to buy it, and of course, he won, as always. Well, HIS money is STILL OUR money - just our money minus my "allowance". He said he didn't want to hear me saying "I had to buy that coffeepot...". My God, it was $19.00 with tax.

I told him he was an authoritarian in our relationship a few weeks ago. Now he's catching himself doing things that prove he really is....
Thursday, August 17, 2006

Creep...

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo.....
What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts.

I want to have control.

I want a perfect body.

I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice
when I'm not around.

You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo....
What the hell I'm doing here?

I don't belong here.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I'm Starting To Get...

...a bit angry, and not able to just "get over it" without getting my way - or heck even if I DO get my way! I've seen that the last three days, something has happened to make me really mad, and I'm not just getting over it.

This is the kind of mania I get. Rage - well really, irritation, anger, that doesn't go away and I can't get over it.

Today, it was Account Superstar again. It was pretty trivial really - I checked my voicemail, a candidate had contacted me, I called him back (it was about a week or longer later), and I talked him into relocating to two other cities that we had positions. He was all for it, and then told me he was on his second interview for a job we had locally with a client of ours. He then told me he was working with Account Superstar. I checked the database - NO NOTES. How the hell was I supposed to know?

At my boss's urging, I went to talk to Account Superstar and told him his (rolling eyes) candidate told me he wanted me to submit him to a job in Manhattan and Tucson. He told me he had talked to him about that and he didn't want to move (after we discussed him not putting notes in the system, and he TECHNICALLY did not have "ownership" of the candidate). I told him he WAS willing to move, and that I was just better able to sell him on the idea than he was (which is true - somehow, candidates will just let me submit their resume all over the country. I build up the companies and the cities that I've never even been to, and they say "I'm sold - submit my resume"). He told me that wasn't true, the candidate was just getting desperate now. I told him NO, he still HAS A JOB, why would he be desperate? It ruffled his feathers because I was able to sell someone into something he was unable to do. I expected him to let me submit him to these two other companies the candidate wanted to be submitted to (and paid higher, as well as being leadership positions in more prestigious companies with better relocation packages - part of my selling ploy, but also true, and he should have sold him on this himself), but he acted like he was just going to go ahead and take my work and submit him to the companies the guy wanted to work at after I told him.

I was PISSED. I expected him to give me at least 10% of his cut if he got placed at one of the two places, but he didn't. I went back to my desk, and I was sitting there thinking hateful things - it was so bad, my BOSS noticed. And he doesn't notice ANYTHING but himself or what I'm saying to people on the phone.

I'm still pissed about it, even though it was resolved.

My boss told me - go back there - get some "thick skin" and tell him you want a percentage. I told him no, it wasn't worth ruining an office relationship over, but knowing it was already ruinied because there was no way in hell I was ever talking to him again or recruiting for any of his jobs. I was MAD and doing my best not to show it.

So Account Superstar came over to talk to my boss, and my boss mentioned to him that I hadn't "been the same" since my conversation with him earlier, and that I seemed upset. What was Account Superstar going to do then? This is HIS boss, too, and the person who is opening an office for him to run!

He said "I was GOING to say that I would do a 60/40 split with her if she wanted to submit him to those two companies." My boss said "That's very generous of you...so you're giving HER 60%, and you're only taking 40%?" I knew FULL WELL A.S. meant I was getting 40% and HE wanted to take 60%, but he said yeah, that's what I meant. I said ok, that's very generous of you - I would have been happy with 10%. It was really the principle of the whole thing.

But then...it was resolved, right? But I was STILL PISSED. I couldn't get over it.

I couldn't get over the comments made to me the other day about being drunk at a "gentleman's club".

There was something else too....where I got mad and I just couldn't calm myself down.

And I forgot to eat today. I know that sounds dumb. Especially for me, who watches what I eat to the miniscule. I was running late for work, so I didn't stop for breakfast, and around 6:00p, I started feeling kind of sick. I realized....I haven't eaten today! I just now ate a Lean Cuisine, and I swear I'm not trying to diet anymore - I'm really kind of just eating whatever whenever, but I'm already in this eating pattern so I'm just kind of sticking with it.

The WORST kind of mania for me is where I get mad and just can't shake it. People notice it. I fly off the handle at the smallest things. I'm so negative.

And I start SAYING things that I wouldn't normally say. I told my boss he had been whistling "Funky Town" for over a month now, and when was he going to stop? People around me started laughing, but he's been so nice to me lately, that I don't know why I would want to embarrass him. I interrupted a girl in a meeting and probably embarrassed HER telling her she was WRONG. Why the hell did I do that, and just let her save face? Why couldn't I just let her have her say? There was nothing wrong with what she was saying...she was just adding to the group discussion.

And I'm just SAYING things that I wouldn't normally say - I can't really explain it. "You've ruined my day enough already", stuff like that. That's just NOT ME. It's so frickin' negative.

It's things that I'll look back on and think....man, if I could go back in time and take all of that back...it's times like THESE that make me do that. I'm acting almost like I'm a prima donna? But I have NO REASON and nothing to back me up that I even could be! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm getting very aggressive with candidates on the phone I noticed this evening. People think I'm very "passive", but I sure wasn't being that way today, and I HATE that.

I'm not sure what to do except see what happens in the next few days.

One good thing about losing weight is that when things go on sale and you wear a smaller size, they still have all of the choices left! I went to a clothing store to buy some shorts today (it stays summer here until mid-October) and they put all of their shorts that I wanted on sale, so they were all picked through. EXCEPT for the Size 6's. They still had every color. I didn't think I could wear a Size 6, but I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a try, and they fit! So I bought 4 pairs (they were on sale, and I have 0 pairs of shorts that fit), and 3 shirts, and ended up saving $60, AND getting 2 $25 gift cards to use by October! This account thing is really working - it's making me buy things on sale and save my money - make better choices on what I buy so I don't spend all of my money on a couple of outfits. I've been checking out shorts for over a month now and finally found some that I liked...FINALLY.

I guess I'll just keep recording my moods and thoughts and see if I'm truly getting manic - the agitated, angry, rage kind. If so, off to the doctor I go, I guess. Except, what will he do? I'm afraid of what he will do. I don't want him messing with my medication.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Just Tired...

I couldn't sleep last night, so I took 2 extra Klonipin at about 10:30 or 11:00 last night. When the alarm went off this morning, I could NOT WAKE UP. I finally drug myself out of bed around 6:15a, when I get up before 6:00 normally. I couldn't focus, I could hardly walk, no way could I have talked.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call in, because Tuesday mornings at 8:00a are the days we go over the open jobs for the entire WEEK. I miss the meeting on Tuesday morning, and it effects a whole week's of work. I got desperate and took 2 Adderall - skipped washing my hair, threw some clothes on, managed to put my makeup on, still stopped for breakfast, and got to work at exactly 8:00am. By then, the extra Adderall (I don't think I've EVER done that on purpose) had kicked in, and I was fine. It was worse than a Seroquel hangover, but at least...the Adderall had kicked in before I set out to drive to work.

I had such a deflating day - maybe because of my morning. I did ask why College Boy and Account Superstar were being so mean to me - they said they were sorry, they just liked giving me a hard time, and I noticed they treated me a little differently after that.

I worked with a candidate on his resume for about 30 minutes, then put it all together which took me over an hour, and the company wanted to schedule an interview. THEN, after all of that work, the company said the person had submitted his resume over a month ago and they didn't need to go through us. Great. So they basically ignored him when HE submitted HIS piece of crap resume (I know, because I saw what I was looking at before I made it into something presentable), and he LIED to me when I asked if he'd been submitted to this company. So now, because of my hard work, and the Account Managers relationship with the Hiring Manager that even GOT them to look at the candidate's resume, he's getting an interview. Do people not understand how much work goes into recruiting? It's not just matching up a person on the internet to a job. Sure, sometimes I find a candidate that way - but that's just the tip of the iceburg. It's also about finding a person who is NOT looking for a job (which this one was NOT on the internet, he was just looking to see what was out there), and then the recruiter working with them on their resume to put together a "pretty package". This is a team effort - a professional formats the resume and I put together the content to make a good resume from poor grammar, wording, missing skills, punctuation, and just not knowing what the client wants - I talk to the candidate for a good 30 - 60 minutes about his/her skills for their resume in regards to what the client wants. I then put together a marketing "scoop", taking another 30 minutes - selling my candidate to the Hiring Manager about why this person should be hired in about three paragraphs and forward the whole thing to the Account Manager. He then contacts the Hiring Manager, who the candidate would NEVER have direct contact with, and discusses my candidate one on one, sends the marketing piece and resume (in real time with the Hiring Manger on the phone - tell me how this person would have gotten that by submitting his resume online with "the masses"?), and asks when they'd like to interview them. I mean, here we put together this awesome package and plopped it right into the decision maker's lap on the same day, and they want to schedule an interview, not because of the candidate's work OR contacts, but because of OURS. He NEVER would have gotten an interview with a Fortune 500 without our help. The Account Managers have spent a LOT of time building good relationships with Hiring Managers (and I'm sure they've spent a lot of money on gifts), and they use us knowing we give them "quality candidates". But that's not it. Once they have a phone interview, we spend 30 minutes to an hour "prepping them" on the phone - I go over do's and don'ts on phone interviews, the Account Manager talks all about the company so the candidate can easily spit out factoids when asked "so what do you know about XYZ Company?", tells them about the frickin' PERSONALITY of the person that will be interviewing, and what QUESTIONS will be asked. Who even gets to know that before they go to an interview??? We follow up daily and try to get feedback - for any negative a company gives us, we come up with a positive or negate that negative in some way to keep the candidate on the "table" (and the candidate NEVER knows any of this is going on - why tell them they are flaking out on them? So they can look for ANOTHER job when we could pull this one through?), prep for a second phone interview, make all preparations when a company wants to fly in a candidate to meet them, prep them for a Face to Face - tell them what to wear, talk about body language, finding things in the room to comment on and build a rapport, blah blah, some meets them (typically) at the airport and drives them to the site to ensure they get there on time. And it doesn't end there! We even prep the REFERENCES for when the Hiring Manager calls them! We negotiate salaries, work on getting them relocated from one city to another, and listen to all of the candidate's and the client's bitching the whole time. So this idiot took all of my time and the Account Manager's time - which is money to us - AND exploited our relationships, and got a free interview from our hard work.

They passed on him over a month ago, and suddenly, today, MINUTES after the Account Manager sent over what *I* put together for hours, now they're interested, but oh, in the system, we see he already submitted his resume over a month ago. Man, I could just choke that guy. I just lost at least $7,000 - and now I KNOW he won't get the job because he won't have us holding his hand. I worked with him long enough to know what he'd need to work on if he got a phone interview, and I'm telling you....he's not making it through that first step. There's a reason he couldn't get through the door to begin with - he needed a LOT of help. Now he has no one to call for feedback - he'll just be sitting there waiting by the phone for a week or two, wondering what the hell happened. And I'll KNOW that, because the Hiring Manager will still be asking for resumes for the same position.

He just screwed BOTH of us. My time means money to me. To him, it's a free service to make him appear to be the kind of person and material that they would hire and fit in to their culture. To me, it's a hell of a lot of work for just ONE PERSON, when I could have moved on.

AND the Account Manager (not Superstar) chewed my ass out because my candidate lied to me. Not in a hateful way - I just mean for him, it was stern.

So that's way more than you ever wanted to know about my job. The other part of it is selling a job to a candidate, but that might piss a few people off, so I'm not going to go there...:-) I NEVER lie...but...I'm always selling, let's just say that.

I'm incredibly tired and pissy, if you can't already tell. I just yelled at Mark, so I'm going to go for now.
Monday, August 14, 2006

What the Hell?

Wow...my life has really changed since...I guess I started this new job?

First of all, what could I possibly do at work that would send out the "wrong vibe" to someone? I work hard all day, I don't joke around, I look up and chat for like....one minute, then get back to work. Most of the time I'm just trying to shield myself from my boss's wrath.

I was sitting at my desk, and...hmmm...College Boy (just graduated from college) walked into the room and said something to the effect that I got a little "tipsy" over the weekend. I said "what?", knowing he joking or lying. "Where do you THINK you saw me 'tipsy' anyway?" wondering where he was going with this, and WHY he was even saying it. I mean, what was the purpose of saying someone got drunk over the weekend when you hardly know them? He said "I saw you drinking at the 'The Gentleman's Club'". I thought, what the hell? Why would I go to a topless bar and drink on the weekend? So...Account Superstar walks in the room and something was said to the effect that I got tipsy over the weekend and A.S. said "tipsy? I heard you got DRUNK." I was so confused. I was still trying to figure out the drinking part, and the rest hadn't sunk in yet. I said "College Boy, what were you doing at 'The Gentleman's Club' anyway?'", like an ass, I'm so stupid. "Picking up a friend." he said. A.S. said "The Gentleman's Club? I thought it was Circus (something - another club in this Texas city, I don't even know if it still exists, but I recognized the name because a rat bastard ex-boyfriend went there)". So THEN I was starting to catch on. They were saying I was working at a "gentleman's club" (I need to look this place up on the internet) over the weekend. I mean, what would be the point of saying I hung out there and drank and watched naked girls? That I was a lesbian? It all happened so fast, I was still saying that I didn't really drink, they both were kind of laughing and as I was going back to work still perplexed, it dawned on me what they were saying to me. No, I didn't stand up and stick up for myself. I started thinking back to last week and analyzing comments that were made that I didn't understand and just said "whatever" to and ignored them. So at the end of the day, A.S. grabbed his briefcase and was walking out of the office, and as he walked by, I just said "goodnight, A.S.", and he leaned in and said "why do you think I'm leaving?" in a smart alecky way. I didn't turn my head to look at him, but I kind of moved my eyes in his direction and said "because you have your briefcase and you're walking out the door." as if he was an idiot. He smiled and said "are you going to follow me?". I'm really slow. I didn't catch on - I still think it's bizarre. It's the way he DID it and SAID it. But I didn't get it until I was on the way home. I just said no...because see, in my mind, I was thinking...he's also an office manager as well as an account manager. So I said - "I am going to leave, but after you leave and I have plenty of time to get to the garage so you won't know what time I left." I have no idea what he did or said, because my head and my eyes were staring straight at my computer screen and I just ignored him and College Boy at that point.

I was on my way home, and I was thinking about the whole thing, and I thought...did what I think happen really happen? I went over it and over it in my mind, and then it started to make me mad that they would imply that I worked at a place like that right in the office with other people sitting there! And the WAY A.S. was talking to me and acting towards me today...I just can't explain it in words. How long has this even been going on and I haven't even noticed? Because it has...today is just the first day it was IN MY FACE like that and it made me pay attention. My boss wasn't sitting there when ANY of this happened, though. He was conveniently gone from his desk, or it never would have happened. But why would I follow A.S. out of the office? For what reason, by the way he was asking me? It seemed like it was in a sexual way, but I'm really trying not to think like that.

So I get home, I'm confused and I'm mad, and I want someone to bounce this off of and see what they think these two guys meant. I REALLY want someone to tell me it's not a big deal, I'm just being silly. So who else to ask but Mark? I start explaining what happened, and asked what did he think it meant, was it what I thought? He said "quit your job tomorrow." I was like "What??? I'm not quitting my job tomorrow? Are you crazy?" He was making himself dinner and had just taken it out of the microwave, and he started shoving it down the disposal with his fork. I said "what are you DOING??" and he said he wasn't hungry anymore. He was SO MAD that his cheeks were flushed red. I immediately wished I could take back every word that had just come out of my mouth.

ONCE AGAIN, I was stupid. I should have thought, if it WAS what I was thinking, well dummy, don't tell Mark, he's just going to get pissed.

He told me to go to HR tomorrow then. Well, HR is my boss's wife. Account Superstar can do no wrong in my boss's eyes - he makes my boss a LOT of money - so much so, that he's opening a new office for Account Superstar to run on his own in a few weeks. Account Superstar is taking 4 recruiters with him, and one of them is College Boy, and you'd think my problem would be solved, but no. They'll still be in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. As a matter of FACT, the joke around the office is that my boss has a "man crush" on Account Superstar. He wants to dress like him, act like him, BE like him. And A.S. acts like he's just too cool for anyone. Someone will compliment him on his shirt or something, and he'll say "well, it looks good on ME.". Yeah, he's one of THOSE. It doesn't help that everyone in the office thinks he's "all that and a bag of chips".

So I have no idea what to do now. Mark wants their numbers. As IF we're in high school and he's going to kick their asses.

This is so blown out of proportion, and I should have never told Mark. And I shouldn't be so slow when someone is making fun of me. I shouldn't let them pick on me and I should stand up for myself. Mark said it doesn't help matters that I'm cute...and I thought, "I am?" But then I thought...even if I am, does that mean I asked for them to treat me less than professionally?

Is it the way I dress? Did I say something? Am I really confused as to what they said or meant? I feel very offended. I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. We all sit in the same room where we can hear what we all say and do. I mean...now I'm thinking...okay, I do get blonde highlights...I did buy new trendy clothes...I did lose a lot of weight...did I bring this on? Is it my fault? Was I inviting this to happen, and I deserve it?

I just know that I won't be able to act normally around them again. I won't want to be in the same room with them when my boss isn't sitting there. I don't like being the butt of jokes. I feel like I'm being sexually harrassed.

Am I?

The only other thing is that I got lost in Neiman's today, and I was too embarrassed to ask any sales people how to get out. I finally figured out there was a THIRD floor, and I was stuck on this second floor that had no exit onto the street or into the mall.

I'm so stupid. Yes, I KNOW I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but I feel very, very uncomfortable about going to work tomorrow, second guessing myself about what to wear, how I'm acting...I just shouldn't FEEL this way about going to work every day!

Hopefully tomorrow I'll go to work, nothing will be said or done, and I'll see it was just all a big misunderstanding.

ADDENDUM: (10:17p) - Mark has calmed down about the whole thing, right when I started to panic about what to wear tomorrow. He tried to make me see it as being in grade school and pulling the pigtail of a girl in class you thought was cute, and not to worry about, just stay professional and keep my distance. He HAS actually made me feel better about the whole thing. I must admit, I can hardly sleep tonight because I feel so anxious. I think a couple more klonipin are in order...
Sunday, August 13, 2006

Regret

I hate being bipolar! Not that *MOST* people who are bipolar don't hate it as well.

I've been thinking since my last post of all the things I regret - things I've NEVER shared with my psychiatrist, who told me recently he can't diagnose me as "bipolar 1 or bipolar 2" because I only show "some" of the symptoms of being bipolar.

Well he didn't ask me all of the right questions when he was diagnosing me in the beginning!

He asked me the classic signs of being manic. And depression, but that one was a no brainer. I've been diagnosed with that since...1992? I didn't get a chance to really think about the questions. I'd never thought I was bipolar, so I had to answer "yes" or "no" instinctively, without having a few weeks or months to ponder about what the question really MEANT. All I cared about at the time was that I wanted to die, and how to have hope once again. NOW I see what it means to be bipolalr, and how it's affected me. Here's the symptoms that would have changed:

Distractibility, can't concentrate well: 2001: No 2006: Yes, but I didn't realize it until I was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking Adderall.

Little sleep needed: 2001: No. 2006: Yes, but I'd never kept track of it before diagnosis.

Poor judgment: 2001: No 2006: Are you kidding me? This is the biggest problem I have!

Spending sprees: 2001: No 2006: No...I don't *think*. Jury's out on that one

Denial that anything is wrong: 2001: No 2006: Trick Question?


He diagnosed me when I hadn't had a chance to really THINK about it. Poor judgment.

Poor Judgment.

How do you know what is YOU and what is a sign of your disease? When do you start taking responsibility for your actions, and when do you blame it on being bipolar?

It's very convenient to say "I really screwed up back then because I had bad judgment, but I'm on medication now, and....". How do I know that was really the reason? Just because I don't do it anymore? How do I know I won't do it again in the future?

There are SO MANY THINGS I wish I could take back. They typically involve the opposite sex and relationships. How I can't BELIEVE I almost screwed something up. Or I hurt someone tremendously and they SHOULD or COULD have left me. Or heck, I don't even know what Mark knows and how he might still leave me if he knew everything. "Everything" being pre-medication and nothing that I haven't said on this blog already, that I can think of at this moment. Except for maybe emails that he's already seen and Instant Message conversations that he already knows about (yes, I know, I know - I try not to think about it. If the shoe were on the other foot...)

Maybe I AM a bad person and it's not this disease. Maybe I was right for taking responsibility for my actions. I guess in all fairness, I should have known something was wrong and kept going to doctor after doctor until they diagnosed me as being bipolar and put me on the right medication? I don't know?

Or is it all ME? Do I really exercise poor judgment in general? I haven't since 2001. So doesn't that mean something?

I feel so damn guilty all of the time. Mark makes me feel guilty without realizing it. He's too nice to me when he shouldn't be. I don't deserve it. He does everything. I half-butt do the laundry and that's about it. Why is he so nice to me? If he wasn't so nice to me, I wouldn't feel so guilty and judge myself so harshly.

I don't even know why he STAYS with me. I don't do anything around the house but laundry sometimes. I hardly any money compared to him. I'm just a burden. I can't believe I'm such great company to keep around all of the time.

And I've exercised poor judgment in the past and hurt him terribly.

Why is he with me? He could do much better than me. Does he have an inferiority complex? I honestly believe he does, and that's why we're together. Does he not think he can do better? Because he could. And I could just rot somewhere like I deserve.

Darn It!

I had new information about a post, so I deleted it and didn't realize I had a comment - good advice, too. I need to start updating instead of deleting. I'll post the comment.

All I said is that I forgot to mention that Mark got a call from someone he used to work with about a job in LA or the San Francisco Bay (he could choose between the two), and he went ahead and said he'd like to have the job. So...maybe he'll get it, maybe he won't, maybe he'd accept it, maybe he won't. He's teetering on becoming a full time independent consultant anyway, but he could do that from anywhere.

He had SAID that the only reason he wanted the job was because I hated Texas so much, and that even though he knew I'd like California better, he somehow believed it STILL wouldn't be "liberal" enough for me. But...he said at least the weather would be nice.

I pressed him about that last night...was I the *only* reason he wanted to move to California? I mean, it sounded too sweet to be true. He said yes, that was a big part of it, but also, he believed, as an independent consultant, he needed to learn this particular field of the business first, and it would be a good way to do that. I asked if the job were in our city would he still do it, and he said probably. So much for it being such a selfless act. :-)

Sure, I'd love to get the hell out of Texas. I'd feel bad if it were only for me - he's never lived further than 30 miles from his family - and he actually LIKES that. And I like having our own home...I have no idea if we could afford one in CA, but I know we wouldn't have the same kind of one we have now, and it would be weird to take a step backwards.

But being out of Texas would be HEAVEN. Sure, I'd have to change jobs and everything, but I'm not close to my good friends here anymore, although it's soothing to know they're just a drive away, and when we talk, it's as if no time has passed. Even in California, I still wouldn't be free of ex-boyfriends. My ex-boyfriend lives in Sacramento, working in California as the Assistant Secretary of Education in the...I'll leave it at that. I can't say any more because it's too much info to search on. I admire what he's made of his life. But I must say, he's probably more liberal than I. He HAS said if Mark and I ever moved to CA, we should have dinner with him and his wife. I know, you're wondering how in the world have I spoken with him when I'm in a committed relationship. I don't know, I do stupid stuff. I've stopped doing it practically. Practically. This was many years ago, and I could never have dinner with him and his wife. Could YOU have dinner with your mate and your ex-boyfriend and his wife? I'd freak out if I just accidentally saw him somewhere, and probably run away before he saw me too, if we even recognized each other.

I've actually done that before. I've seen an ex-boyfriend in the cafeteria of where I used to work, and before he saw me, I grabbed my food, paid, ran out, and stuck my food in the elevator door before it could close. It smashed my food a bit, but at least I got away. I later gathered the nerve to tell him we worked in the same building and we met and chatted for a bit in the building, but it took me a few weeks to settle down. Actually...well, nevermind. Some things can't even be said on a blog. Hmmm...well, we did get together and go out one night. We had a blast at a concert. I had too much to drink, and my inhibitions go down when I drink. No, nothing like THAT happened, but I felt guilty enough. Mark was supposed to go to the concert with me, but he went out of town, and it was this guy's and my favorite band. All we did was kiss and hold hands (geez, I can't even believe I'm typing that), I just had too much to drink. I had so much to drink that I ended up throwing up, and that was the end of the night. I'm sure it was better that way. Was I manic? Was it poor judgement? Poor judgement, definitely. I don't know WHAT in the hell I was thinking. I think it was 2000, so it was about a year before the hospital. Maybe I was manic, and then I crashed just as hard.

What if Mark reads my blog and breaks up with me now? I don't hide the fact that I have a blog. Alright, I won't hit delete now...I'll try not to panic...although I'm already panicking...I'll just hit publish post and move on...I've done really stupid stuff...and it's always the same stupid stuff...but I haven't done it since the hospital and the right medication.

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