I said some things that I shouldn't have. He seems okay, but I wonder why? Has his self esteem sunk to that depth? I know it has gone down lately because of his job, so why did I have to make it "that much worse"? I told him that his ambition was what always attracted me to him, and I was said that it was gone. He said "I'm sorry you don't find me attractive then", while arguing he was still ambitious. Why did I say that? He is bringing home a huge salary, it's just...he's so above what he's doing, in my opinion. What should he be doing? Well, it pays so much LESS. It's a strange market right now. We started arguing about Ohio (when he doesn't even have the job), but WHERE we move isn't the point. It's relocating in general. I just want to move somewhere that he will be HAPPY, and he won't be happy until he's in a career that makes him feel good about himself. I know many men who base their self worth on their jobs. He's been one for a long time, and as depressed as he's been, I think he still is. So why did I have to say the things I did? I should be building him up, not tearing him down. I'm usually SO GOOD at this. Believing in him. Being his #1 fan. EVERYONE needs at least one person who truly believes in them. I think they can do anything if they have that. He's accomplished so much already, for a 30 year old...somehow he's found himself in "limbo", and in a position that he can't match salary wise. I think I was mean. I've apologized. This isn't me! I'm not like this! What was I thinking? Doing? Trying to achieve?
I don't even know. It was the heat of the moment, and the thing is, it's not even about me. So why did I care so much? Maybe I did some good and he's out to prove me wrong now. It was so bad, that he said "two mortgages", and I got online to prove to him that he was wrong - one was "rent", one was a "mortgage payment", and Wikipedia had the definition. Honestly, who cares? I know what he meant. But I was being THAT BAD. Everything he said was wrong. I argued with everything. He could do nothing right, make no good decisions. I had advice for everything, and my answers were the only correct ones. I was thinking (while I was yelling) "why don't you just listen to what I'm saying? I'm RIGHT!"
I've apologized. I don't know what more I can do. He's not a suck-up kind of person - he'd see through that too easily and wouldn't appreciate it one bit. He's not mad at me at all.
But I'm really mad and disappointed in myself. We should be each other's biggest fans and stand behind each other no matter what. I thought he needed a swift kick in the butt. Who am I to decide that? Who am I to put anything of his down?
If I were a drinking person, I'd need a drink. I'm a Seroquel person, but I already missed work today, and I have to go in tomorrow so....no OD'ing on Seroquel for me. Not that I would, it's just nice to know the option is always there.