Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Huge Argument

I just had this huge argument with Mark. Is it the Abilify? I remember I roller-coastered for a few days mood-wise. Bipolar rage was an issue.

I said some things that I shouldn't have. He seems okay, but I wonder why? Has his self esteem sunk to that depth? I know it has gone down lately because of his job, so why did I have to make it "that much worse"? I told him that his ambition was what always attracted me to him, and I was said that it was gone. He said "I'm sorry you don't find me attractive then", while arguing he was still ambitious. Why did I say that? He is bringing home a huge salary, it's just...he's so above what he's doing, in my opinion. What should he be doing? Well, it pays so much LESS. It's a strange market right now. We started arguing about Ohio (when he doesn't even have the job), but WHERE we move isn't the point. It's relocating in general. I just want to move somewhere that he will be HAPPY, and he won't be happy until he's in a career that makes him feel good about himself. I know many men who base their self worth on their jobs. He's been one for a long time, and as depressed as he's been, I think he still is. So why did I have to say the things I did? I should be building him up, not tearing him down. I'm usually SO GOOD at this. Believing in him. Being his #1 fan. EVERYONE needs at least one person who truly believes in them. I think they can do anything if they have that. He's accomplished so much already, for a 30 year old...somehow he's found himself in "limbo", and in a position that he can't match salary wise. I think I was mean. I've apologized. This isn't me! I'm not like this! What was I thinking? Doing? Trying to achieve?

I don't even know. It was the heat of the moment, and the thing is, it's not even about me. So why did I care so much? Maybe I did some good and he's out to prove me wrong now. It was so bad, that he said "two mortgages", and I got online to prove to him that he was wrong - one was "rent", one was a "mortgage payment", and Wikipedia had the definition. Honestly, who cares? I know what he meant. But I was being THAT BAD. Everything he said was wrong. I argued with everything. He could do nothing right, make no good decisions. I had advice for everything, and my answers were the only correct ones. I was thinking (while I was yelling) "why don't you just listen to what I'm saying? I'm RIGHT!"

I've apologized. I don't know what more I can do. He's not a suck-up kind of person - he'd see through that too easily and wouldn't appreciate it one bit. He's not mad at me at all.

But I'm really mad and disappointed in myself. We should be each other's biggest fans and stand behind each other no matter what. I thought he needed a swift kick in the butt. Who am I to decide that? Who am I to put anything of his down?

If I were a drinking person, I'd need a drink. I'm a Seroquel person, but I already missed work today, and I have to go in tomorrow so....no OD'ing on Seroquel for me. Not that I would, it's just nice to know the option is always there.

Home from Work

Well, I GUESS it's the Abilify. I went to bed at 9:00p, was knocked out right away, somehow turned my alarm off, and woke up at 6:40p. I have to leave the house to get to work on time by 6:50 - 7:05. No way was I going to make it. I was SO WEAK, too. So I called in sick, and this is a HORRIBLE day to call in sick. We have a meeting on Tuesday mornings where we listen to the Account Reps tell us all of their jobs, page after page, and we work on those for the rest of the week. Not good.

Comments are really good - thanks Sarah and Dan. I shouldn't have gone up on my Abilify so fast. I found that a "less serious and continue taking your medication but consult with your doctor" side effect of Abilify is "tremor and weakness". Yeah, that's how I'd describe it. I don't know about the tremor part, I'll have to pay attention to that, but even holding up my arms to type is tiring me out

The only thing is...(and this is what I LOVE about blogging) - last Saturday, October 28th, I wrote that I took 5mg of Abilify (the smallest dosage possible), I was sick and sick the day before (on Friday), and I had NO ENERGY, and didn't know what was wrong. I drank an entire pot of coffee, and I still had no energy. So...maybe I'm just sick, but I'm not taking any chances with the Abilify. It's too coincidental. I would go down to 10mg, maybe I still will, but this stuff stays in your body for 72 hours. I guess it probably starts going out of your system though, right? Maybe I'll go back down to 5mg tomorrow for a few days, then 10 for a few days, then try 15 again. I can't LIVE like this.

Mark is pretty much deciding that even if he gets the job in Ohio, he's not going to take it. He doesn't think we can afford the move. Yes, they pay for relocation, but we'd have to sell the house, etc. And what about a place to stay while we're paying a mortgage? I told him they may have temporary housing like a lot of places that I recruit for, but he just doesn't know. I told him oh well (while trying not to hurt his pride), maybe he'll never hear from them again and he won't have to decide. I SURE would like to move out of Texas. Funny - one minute I want to move, and the next I don't.

I felt kind of skinny this morning, so I weighed myself, and was shocked! The scale said 125. That means I finally lost over 50 pounds! 50.5 pounds to be exact. The first place in my blog that I can find where I mention my weight is here: Weight Loss and other Drivel. I had such unrealistic expectations! Reading about my life back then makes me appreciate the stability of my life today!

So I'm only 1 pound away from my goal of 124. I think I'm going to reward myself when I hit 124 because it's been my goal since February 2005. But NOT with food, that's sending myself the wrong message. I'm thinking an entire day at the spa would be good...I think Mark would go along with it if I told him why.

I can't exercise right now to keep my metabolism going to lose that one pound or even stay at 125 because I'm SO WEAK, so we'll see what I weigh when I "officially" weigh myself after my "cycle".

Whew! I can put my arms down now.

7:00p - It's Halloween, and I'm depressed. I didn't buy any candy because I didn't want it in the house and take the chance I'd eat it. My life seems so lost. I bought the Sims 2 "Pets", and I just realized...I keep creating dogs that look like Cody, or dogs that I think when they breed will bear babies that look like Cody. What's WRONG with me? Maybe nothing...maybe it's harmless enough. I loved my pet, he was my little muse, I don't know what else to choose for a pet, so I make Cody? Oh well, who cares...
Monday, October 30, 2006

Abilify = Yucky

I didn't exactly go up on my Abilify the way my doctor told me to, but I read somewhere that the starting dosage was 15mg, and I had been up to 10mg before I stopped last time, so I thought, what the heck? I took 5mg one day, 10mg the next, and today, I took the most I've ever taken - 15mg.

I felt and feel crappy. I am easily winded, I have no energy, I am weak, which starts off this chain reaction that I need food to give me energy. Everything I do NOT want. I always stay until 7:00p on Mondays at work, but today, my boss was on the phone, I grabbed my purse, and ran out of there at 5:00p. With the traffic, I still didn't get home until 6:00p. I THOUGHT Abilify was supposed to make me feel better? But at what cost? I'm not willing to feel better at the cost of making me feel physically weak. I DID take a Clariton this morning, too, so I'll try not taking one tomorrow and see how I feel. I can't imagine feeling like this every day. I wouldn't last a week. It's a good thing I didn't go to the gym today.

Where did I go? I went shopping, which normally - yoo hoo! but I was so weak, I could hardly carry my bags back from the stores to my car in the parking garage. I thought I was going to DIE before I made it there. I found some cute things at Ann Taylor's Loft and Victoria's Secret (I needed new sweat pants from VS and they had some comfy ones), and I love buying "Medium" anything there. It's such a victory to be able to WEAR anything they sell (besides their bras), let alone, a medium!

Why is Abilify making me feel this way? I'm assuming it's the Abilify. I won't be able to take this very long. Does it go away? I need to do some research. I stood up really fast after taking a bath this morning and got so lightheaded that I got scared I was going to pass out and hit my head on the edge of something. It's like the wind is knocked out of you...so hard to explain.

Even though I'm so weak and drained, I know I won't be able to go right to sleep tonight. That's another demon of this medication. Insomnia. I've noticed it this time and last time I took it. My doctor said he'd call in Ativan, and I said "I have enough things to sleep, and I don't need ANOTHER drug." I suppose the fact that I didn't get a good night's sleep ALONG with the time change isn't helping. I know I said I had enough sleep medication, but if I take EXTRA Seroquel, it will increase my appetite the next day, so that's really not an option. I'll just increast the klonipin I take at night, I guess. Again, I do NOT want another drug in the mix!

The second I start gaining weight on Abilify, it's all over. That's where I draw the line. I refuse to gain weight because of a psychiatric medication again. I NOW know that I was wrong when I thought "Being fat makes me depressed, so why take this medicine that makes me so hungry anyway?", because it's a self image issue, not a fat issue. I still feel the same way that I did back then. It's no longer the SIZE that I buy that matters, it's how I LOOK in the size. Maybe I wear a size 6, but now it's all about how far does my stomach stick out in what I'm wearing or trying on? I still see myself just as fat now as I did then. It's all relative - you never get past the "fat" issue when you have a bad body image. The only thing that has changed is I love to buy clothes now. But...my doctor knows that no longer is medication that's considered a "weight gainer" an option. That's the FIRST THING out of his mouth when he suggests one to me.

So...we'll see how long I can last on Abilify. I'd better start feeling REALLY damn good fast, or I'm cutting this out QUICK.

Day One on 15mg of Abilify. We'll see how Day Two goes.
Sunday, October 29, 2006

How Do We Get Bipolar?

First of all, I may go ahead and up my Abilify to 15mg tomorrow. Today was my first day (the second go-around) on 10mg, I have no negative side effects, so why wait a week and just go ahead plunge right in and get it over with? Tomorrow morning I'm going to take 15mg, because the time change has given us an extra hour to sleep, and given that it can cause insomnia, it seems like there's no better time than the present.

There's something I've been thinking about lately. Not really lately, I guess...I've suspected it for a long time.

I think that the majority of people diagnosed with bipolar have a gene that predisposes them to the illness, much like someone with heart disease. If someone comes from a family with heart disease and doesn't exercise, eats poorly, smokes, etc., the chances are, they will have a heart attack early in life or some sort of heart disease. Are you with me so far?

So...people are born with a gene that predisposes them to bipolar disorder. Then, environmentally, things occur - traumatic things to that person that are almost unbearable. Unspeakable. It doesn't really matter what it is, it just matters what it means to that person, usually in childhood. Well, that person then develops bipolar disorder later in life, much like someone would develop heart disease.

Are you following me?

I've noticed that many, if not most (yes, I know there are exceptions to this) of those with bipolar disorder grew up in unhealthy households, or had something traumatic happen to them as a child. Or maybe even as a young adult. That set off, later on, their bipolar illness. You can even look at Patty Duke's story and her family life and see it.

Yes, I come from a family with mental illness, although they do not speak of it. So, I know I was predisposed with a mental illness gene.

I don't know - but I might have been okay if I grew up in a safe, happy home. I realize no one has a "perfect" childhood, but I would have gladly settled for "mediocre". Who would I be today had I not had the childhood I did? Would my bipolar gene be de-activated?

I've read where it's normal to blame your character on your illness. You think if you were "stronger" and more capable, you wouldn't have these symptoms. I don't believe that for me. I DO get mad at myself when I "fail" because of my disease, though. For instance...missing work from oversleeping because I took too much medication before bed, or because I couldn't fall asleep, and then couldn't drive to work because I was in a "stupor" and I NOW (I used to chance it) know not to drive in and risk getting a DUI. Failing to be a productive member of society is the biggest one for me. It's what keeps me feeling "normal" and that I CAN do anything I want even though I'm bipolar. Not only working, but being SUCCESSFUL at what I do. I'm actually proud for not missing work because of medication for 2 months. It sounds so small, but for me, it's huge.

I don't know....I don't think I would be so sick if it weren't for my upbringing. I've been to therapy, seen how it's affected me as an adult, and it has a whole slew of problems on its' own (come on, I'm not the ONLY bipolar with "issues"...work with me here) :-). I think it brought out the "bipolar" gene I was predisposed to have.

Any thoughts? I'm not trying to BLAME anyone here regarding my disease, it's just a theory.
Saturday, October 28, 2006

I Am a Life Blogger! Duh.

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

Christmas Lights!

Today we scheduled our Christmas lights on the house to be put up by the same company that does our lawn. I'm so excited! I know that sounds silly, but I'm really excited to have Christmas lights on the house this year! We've been here for 3 years, and this will the first year, in our first home that we're going to have Christmas lights on our house! Yes, I know, why don't we just do it ourselves? First of all, Mark is afraid of heights, we have this tall arch in our doorway and don't have a ladder that tall, and neither of us are into manual labor. We'd rather pay someone to do it for us, or it would never get done, unfortunately. I decorate the banners for the stairs, and am debating whether to bring the tree downstairs and decorate it this year or not. That's a lot of work, and for just us? I think the Christmas lights on the stairs and the twinkling on the garland and Christmas lights there too will be enough! :-) I love our stairway when it's decorated...I just love the feeling of being "home", you know? There's no better place to be. I love opening the garage door and seeing Mark's car is there and that he's already home and I have someone waiting for me and not an empty house. I don't know...maybe I sound corny. Who just *loves* the feeling of home?

I took Abilify again today - 5mg, and I don't know if it increased my appetite? I got very hungry, which is not like me in the middle of the day, but possibly since it is the weekend. I told Mark I was hungry and wanted to get something to eat, and he was shocked. I ordered a big cobb salad, and he stared as I ate it, commenting "normally you would have stopped by now?". He didn't mean it in "you're a fat pig, look how much you're eating", he meant it like "this is unusual for you". I said I know, I don't know what's wrong with me. I ate a lot of my salad - it was HUGE, probably half. And then I ordered DESERT! I hate half of that too. Mark just sat there because I'm used to eating slowly and he was done, so I ate for at least 30 minutes. We got up, walked out, and then it HIT ME. I started having sharp pains in my stomach, and knew I ate too much. When I eat too much, I'm in physical pain. I came home, and took 2 Tums right away. That was probably 6 or 8 hours ago, and my stomach STILL hurts. I think I ate more at lunch than I eat for two entire days. On top of that, I still have this weird cold thing, and I'm SO tired, even though I had 3 cups of coffee, Adderall, and phentermine. I should have been wired all day, but I had absolutely no energy. Either it's the Abilify, which I don't see how it could be since I only took 5mg and I was up to 10mg just a few weeks ago, or my body has just crashed. I think it's the latter. I think it's screaming out to me to take better care of it, maybe? The thing is...I don't really know what I would change. I would take vitamins, but THEY make me sick when I take them. I've thought of cutting them into fourths and working my way up to a whole one...maybe I'll start drinking juice in the mornings? I think they make diet cranberry juice or something...

I was thinking a lot today about "What if we moved to Ohio?", and I had been kind of excited about it, but now...I'm not so sure. And, this is how people feel when they interview for a job where they'd have to relocate? I had no idea. My candidates interview all the time for jobs that would require them to relocate and they rarely get them, and it must be a strange feeling. I really thought it was no big deal. I guess the biggest part I don't like about moving to Ohio is that the town wouldn't be as "hip" as it is here. It wouldn't have the awesome malls and stores - so it wouldn't have the latest fashion, best hairdressers, etc. I know I could still shop online, but it's not the same. Mark said I could drive to somewhere called Grosse Point, Michigan to shop once a month if I wanted. I just thought Grosse Point was a movie? Moving isn't even close to reality yet, so I'm not doing any research.

My blog is so boring - what I ate for lunch, ordering Christmas lights. But...I did need to record my strange behavior, my cold, and my Abilify dosage. Sorry for the boredom!
Friday, October 27, 2006

I Feel Horrible

First of all, Mark's 2nd phone interview (the process is PAINSTAKINGLY slow) with the company in Ohio was today and he said it went really well. It's so bizarre to think we might actually uproot and move to Ohio. Obviously it's not reality yet because it hasn't happened, this whole process is so slow, who knows if he'll be made an offer, and if so, if he'll take it, and it seems unreal. The only thing that I HAVE been thinking about is quitting my job because of it. :-)

Today, I started feeling really horrible about all of the thoughts I've had about Bipolar Girl. If anyone should be sympathetic towards her and understanding, it's me. The things about her that bother me are bipolar symptoms, and they just shouldn't annoy me if I keep the right frame of mind. Empathy. I need to feel empathy, and for some reason, I just haven't felt any for her. Today, I did. But...she was normal today, so...I didn't get a chance to feel anything. Even her asking me for a klonipin - she couldn't even ask me outright, she had to send me an email. She must have been desperate, from all of her talk about going home and having a glass of wine so many days. It was probably an act of desperation - just wanting some relief - if even for a moment, and God, I know what that feels like. No, that does NOT mean I'm giving Bipolar Girl any of my klonipin. I refuse to become the "drug lady" at work. I won't create and support a habit in her, especially when I can clearly tell she has a problem with substances. That's between her and her doctor, if she has one. If she's that desperate, she should go to a doctor or check herself into the hospital. We don't talk about her illness, because remember, I'm not supposed to know anything about what it's like to be bipolar because I'm not bipolar myself, so I have no idea how she's really feeling or doing since she doesn't confide that in me.

I feel like such a bad person for the way I've felt about Bipolar Girl. I feel bad about what I've written in my blog about Bipolar Girl. I feel bad for choosing not to feel empathy towards her. I feel bad for being so annoyed with her that I couldn't stand sitting near her, all because of her bipolar and ADD traits, and only I would recognize them as such. It really WOULD be nice if I could tell her I was bipolar, too, and we could chat about it, but I can't. It's unfortunate that her best friend is someone who is deceptive and has asked ME for a klonipin too (!!!) and of course she would tell him. I am very professional in the office, and I don't want anyone to see me with a handicap - to be prejudiced towards me for any reason. I still believe you shouldn't tell unless there is something to GAIN from it. No, I'm not ashamed necessarily, but I'm not going to just blab that I'm bipolar just to tell people. Why in the world would I ever do that? Now if, for whatever reason, I needed to shorten my hours or had to be checked into the hospital...that's a different story. I wouldn't have a choice, would I... I wonder if I would just quit instead?

I get this allergy/cold thing every week now. It goes away, and during the week, it slowly starts and then progressively gets worse until it's Friday, today, and I'm sick. It's pretty bad. I don't understand it. I've never had allergies before, but it's BAD. I just took a cold tablet, I've tried benedryl several times in the past, and none of it ever works. It's like taking sugar pills. I use a ton of tissue, I sneeze over and over, my nose just won't stop dripping/running, and I try to go to dinner with Mark and I'm miserable the whole time. I'm freezing to death for some reason, and I just don't understand it. What's wrong with me? Is it the weather? Is there mold in the office? Do I have allergies? Am I not getting proper nutrition? But how can that be - I don't see how that would make me start getting sick at the beginning of the week and slowly progress until I'm bad on Fridays.

I got slapped on the wrist by the LinkedIn Gods. I'm on suspension for inviting any new people as a contact. I think it's because I had over 1,000 outstanding invitations (haha). The thing is...somehow I'm going about it wrong. I was actually doing it right - just getting people who were kind of my former colleagues - worked at companies that I did at the same time, but at the Big-5, they're all in executive positions now, and I don't get many executive level positions at work to fill. It's great I have access to these people - if I'm job hunting one day, I'll have a lot of people who could make things happen for me as contacts, but nothing to help me with recruiting. I have so many high level executives that now I'm being asked for "introduction" after "introduction" by people who want to connect with them. I just forward on their request to whomever they want to contact - what do I care? You would just have to be on LinkedIn to understand. I guess I'm glad to be of service, but..."what have you done for me lately?";-)

I hope I get over this cold soon - I'm tired of being sick and...it sucks.
Thursday, October 26, 2006

Wigged Out Bipolar Girl

I went to the psychiatrist today to get my Adderall refilled, and explained my insurance issue regarding Abilify to the receptionists. My insurance would only fill 30 5mg for 30 days, not 90 like my doctor wanted so I could slowly progress. I still had some 5mg left, so my dr gave me some 10mg samples, and ELEVEN refills of 15mg, my final dosage (hopefully?). So...Try #2 on Abilify starts tomorrow!

Bipolar Girl really bipolared-out today. She has visible signs of being bipolar...seriously. I'm not just saying this because I KNOW she's bipolar. I thought this before she TOLD me. So yesterday she ASKED me for a klonipin, pissed me off ROYALLY, and she's been saying every day how she can't wait to get home and have a glass of wine. But now, she's really starting to wig out. She was being so rude and freaked out on a candidate today. I mean, she was just plain mean when he wouldn't do what she said. She started yelling at him "YOU TOLD ME....!!!" She had her arms crossed, and then she was pointing her finger and hitting the desk in front of her, yelling at him. She kept sighing and yelling. Everyone was just dead quiet in our little room while she was on her rant of about 10-15 minutes. My boss would speak up with little bits of wisdom of words she could say to him, but after awhile, she was so wigged out, she was past listening to anything around her. Are you wondering if she's successful? Does she make a lot of deals? So far, no, she's not been very successful. She works hard, but...it's her approach. It's the way she treats people on the phone. Like...she doesn't think about how something comes across to someone who's not a recruiter. People aren't just a piece of meat or a dollar sign. But that's how she talks to and about them. We're dealing with people's lives, careers, well-being...this is serious. So if you just don't CARE about someone as a person or THINK of them as a person, you don't think how you sound to them. I could give lots of examples, but it's just boring drivel.

And...my bipolar rage and her bipolar rage must be worlds apart. My bipolar rage at its' worst is what she did today in the office. So around people she feels comfortable around? My God.

Well...the guy my boss did NOT want to send and I had to practically MAKE him send for a position...got the job today.:-) I was GOING to remind him that he didn't want to send him, but now...I don't really care. The only thing is, I called him today, and he doesn't know if he'll take it. He's worried about the drive. I think he should take it. It's a great job, he's on a month to month lease on his apartment and can move further north, and it pays well. They're going to train him FOR FREE in some well sought out skills that would be expensive to pay for and take a long time to learn, they're getting ready to go public and he'll have stock options beforehand, and he'll be driving AGAINST traffic, so heck, he'll get to work 15-20 minutes sooner that I will every day! Sounds like I'm selling a job, doesn't it. :-) Yeah, I told all of him this too, and I turned a "no" into a "maybe", and then my boss got on the phone and turned a "maybe" into a "well okay, but I need to discuss it with my fiancé first". The thing is, he was SO EXCITED about the job, calling me for feedback and everything, and then he got his feelings hurt when he interviewed and they didn't hire him RIGHT AWAY and kept interviewing. I think my boss got him over that part. I'll be so excited if I made another deal this month. :-) That will be 3! How many has Bipolar Girl made? None. However, I know very well that the opposite could be true next month.

That's about it except...I hope Abilify will lift my slight depression and help me deal with Bipolar girl? Maybe there's no medication for that. (sigh)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Suffocating

I feel like I'm suffocating..................

Everyone wants something from me. My time, my this, my that, I'm being pulled this way, that, when do I get to decide what I want to do?

It started with an email from Mark's mother. He went to his family's house last Sunday and I stayed home. She sent an email to everyone saying it was so much fun, that she declared every Sunday to be "family day", something like that, and invited everyone over EVERY Sunday. It takes over an hour to get to their house from ours, then an hour back. Are you frickin' kidding me? You're talking to someone whose weekend achievement is bathing! I told Mark I wasn't going to do it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty.

Work is getting to me. I realized today how much I valued my time alone during my lunch hour on the treadmill. Older Woman went with me to the gym on one of my "free passes" and we played racquetball. I missed having time by myself, and now she wants to take her 2nd of my 2 monthly visitor passes tomorrow to do it again. Fine, whatever. I don't understand how we can play intense racquetball for 30 minutes, I'm soaking wet with sweat, and she said she doesn't sweat, never has, and doesn't shower before going back to work? I noticed she used enough perfume or lotion or something smelly that she must have thought she needed to cover something up.

And BIPOLAR GIRL! I am SO PISSED AT HER! Towards the end of the day, she sent me an email asking me for a klonipin because she had cramps (which I think is bullshit), and she wanted to go home and "chill". First of all, I do NOT TAKE MY MEDICINE TO LAY AROUND THE HOUSE AND CHILL. I call it my "freak out medicine", not my recreational drug! Man was I mad. And she had to send it to me in an email, when she sits about 3 feet from me? So I emailed her back "I have something even better...MIDOL!", because, I really did! So I got back to my desk, and before I checked my email, I handed her about 4, and then saw she responded. Her email said "Thanks, but I already have some Alleve". What a bitch! Sorry to use that term - but this is a huge issue for me. Do NOT ASK me for my medication for recreational use. My mother was addicted to drugs and it DISGUSTS me beyond belief. Now...the person themselves do not disgust me. But a person ASKING ME for MY medication disgusts me beyond belief. I can't even describe how it makes me feel. NOW I'm worrying that she and Fatso (who actually came up to me one day, asked me for one, I said "no", and he said "Please?!?") are going to steal my medicine out of my purse! Wouldn't you feel that way? And to think this is my fault, too. She has a bad back, couldn't stand up straight one day, I thought that if she took 1/2 a klonipin it might relieve the tension in her back at the very least, and this is what I get. If she or Fatso or ANYONE says one more thing about it, I'm going to freak out.

And again, at work. Account Managers - bugging me about candidates. Candidates - bugging me about jobs. People from this website I joined to make "connections" are sending me their resumes arbitrarily, and I think...you want a position doing WHAT?, yet right now, you're doing THIS? I mean, it's totally unrealistic. Except for one case today - I'll be able to find him a good job that has a better career path, and his resume was awesome.

I feel this bipolar rage coming over me, if you can't already tell by all of the letters capitalized. I'm going to lose it...I can feel it coming. I feel like I can't breathe, I'm suffocating, I need some major space, a break....I just need to be left alone. And I'm an EXTROVERT!

Why do I feel this way? Maybe it's because everyone WANTS something from me. They don't care how I'm doing or what I feel, it's all about what THEY WANT from ME, and what I can give *them*. They're running all over me, like a doormat or something. I don't know how to stop it!

I just want it all to stop!

What about me? I can't take all of this pressure. I'm not this responsible, and damnit, that Bipolar Girl had better NEVER ask me for another klonipin. If she needed klonipin, her psychiatrist would have given it to her. But obviously, she's not capable of using it appropriately.
Monday, October 23, 2006

Eating

I'm pretty amazed with myself over how much control I've gained over what I've put into my mouth the last couple of days.

Let's see...I guess I'll start with Saturday. I forgot to eat breakfast, so I had two flour tortillas with chicken in them with rice and beans, and had split the meal for lunch and dinner. Probably too many calories - it seemed like it was.

Yesterday (Sunday), I forgot to eat breakfast AGAIN (I really did - on the weekends, I'm not "on schedule), so I just skipped it, and didn't think about eating again until it was time to go to bed. I didn't want to eat a big meal, so I took about three bites of a protein bar and went to bed. Amazingly, I fell asleep.

Today (Monday), I thought of an ingenious plan. Instead of eating an entire Egg McMuffin (300 calories), I just ate half (150 calories). That way, when I worked out at lunch and burned 140-145 calories (the treadmill tracks it...), it would be like I didn't eat anything at all!

So...I just ate a Lean Cuisine for dinner around 9:00p, about 275 calories, and had about 2 bites of a protein bar...uhmmm...maybe 50 calories?

So totally, I had about 500 - 550 calories today, and burned off 145. Yesterday, I probably had about 50 calories.

AND. My DVD from www.push.tv came today! So...I'll be working out from home after work now - with my "customized" DVD. Cardio every day at work, and work out 3 times a week from home, maybe a cardio here and there from home, too.

If I can't lose weight like THIS, my GOD, how do people do it?

But if I can just lose 4.5 pounds, I'll be at my goal weight, and if I can lose 3 pounds, I will have lost 50 pounds. That's why I'm so MOTIVATED right now. I'm THIS CLOSE!

I know I won't gain it back when I start eating "normally" again, because I have no idea how to eat normal anymore? I'm thinking eventually I might have to go to a nutritionist. But not yet. I'm not ready to relinquish control.

No, I no longer think I have an eating disorder. I just think I'm very motivated to lose weight is all.
Sunday, October 22, 2006

Returned Email

I sent out an email to make my "wish come true" (I know, how stupid), and I needed 10 people to send it to - I normally NEVER do this, but this time, the email was a test that just worked and kind of freaked me out. I have an email address for my ex-boyfriend who was abusive and I got a protective order against, then we lived together again after that, then he went bonkers again, you get the idea, and I sent it to an email address of his that I thought he rarely checked. I thought it was kind of cheating, sending an email to an address that wasn't used, but I needed to send it to 10 people! BOOM, within 10 minutes he responded. I regretted it immediately. I didn't need to know he was working a lot and he was expecting his second child, or pictures sent to me of his son, or even THINK he still existed.

It's a guilty pleasure of mine that he's not attractive anymore, nor is his wife from the last pictures he sent. Is that horrible? He's gained so much weight, but he's always been very muscular, so I can only tell by his face. I wonder how in the world his wife can live with him. He was INCREDIBLY jealous, alienated everyone from me so I was isolated, and I was in your typical battered woman syndrome from what I learned at the women's shelter. I don't believe that our relationship was the way it was because we just brought it out in each other. He has to be abusive to her too, right? Because of the Protective Order, he was mandated to take an Anger Management course, but could that really have "worked"? He hated every second of it. I always wonder this. Was it US, together, or is this really HIM? It HAS to be HIM, right? Surely I don't bring this out in people. It's a huge question mark in my mind, and the fact that he's stayed married for so many years amazes me. Could someone put up with abuse that severe for this long? I've already told him he'd better NEVER do anything that would cause me to testify against him, because I would be dead honest, and I WOULD be called to testify because of all the times I called the police and the protective order. I was hoping that the threat might make him think twice. He's apologized more times than I can count, but he would actually cheat on his wife to see me - he's told me that. Another one of his "mind games" to suck me in - he does that in the beginning - tries to make me feel so "special". So it makes me think again...was it ME? Or is he really that big of a jerk that he also cheats on his wife? I think he's just that big of a jerk. Has anyone ever known a relationship where someone brought out THAT EXTREME of abuse in someone because of the personality of the other person? I don't bring it out in Mark - never have, not even close. The detectives told me my ex-boyfriend was a sociopath.

I never weigh during the month unless it's on a CERTAIN DAY, but out of curiosity, I weighed myself yesterday. I was surprised - I was down to 128.5. (I say WAS because I ate a lot last night) Maybe I'll make it to my goal of 124 by February after all. I just want to get into the 120's far enough to actually stay in the 120's instead of yo'yo'ing in and out. I think working out every work day helps.

I applied for a few jobs from "LinkedIn" (boy is that tool ever good for Recruiters and Job Seekers), and I'm up to over 200 contacts now. One job was referred to me. The thing is, even with my crazy boss, I don't know if I could interview with another company. I've worked so hard to get where I am, that it would be heart wrenching to give up my hard work. But the more time that goes by, the harder it will get, I suppose.

I've also taken Mark's career into my own hands. He's so depressed about his "place in life" because of his job. He feels underutilized, and I can see why. But now he doesn't even believe in himself because he's been trying to get the jobs he wants, but hasn't had any success. He said he feels like an actor, and I'm his agent who keeps telling him he'll "get the part" after failed attempts at auditioning, and is setting up interviews for him. I updated his resume, and applied for about 20 jobs all over the country for him. I think that the way I updated his resume - how I wrote his "summary" (he didn't have one before), and the first few words that POP OUT will get him calls from virtually every recruiter I sent it to - well, mostly. He's already been contacted by 2 recruiters THIS WEEKEND. He said normally he doesn't get contacted for most jobs he applies for which are the same kind I'm applying for him, so I know my summary is working.

Mark is going to his parent's house today, and I'm not going with him. I really don't care to see his new twin nieces, and be around ALL of those little kids. What a nightmare! If I had my own child that I wanted him/her to play with their cousins, that would be different. But I don't. Besides, I'm a hermit, remember? I do plan on going into the office, though.

No bipolar symptoms...just me being a dork and sending that stupid email!
Saturday, October 21, 2006

LinkedIn

I think I freaked out a little bit over the "brown spotting" too much. I'll get around to going to the OB/GYN eventually, but it's not life or death.

I've been obsessed with www.linkedin.com lately. Why? It's a Recruiter's dream come true. I have this hard to fill position at work, and found SO MANY of them on linkedin - more than in our database and definitely more than there are on the internet. So I've been working my way up to contacts, getting as many as I can. I'm up to almost 180. I don't WANT to have to ask someone for an "introduction". I'd rather just have them as my own contact. From the Big 5 where I worked, I'm just finding "colleagues" from there and none of my other companies. I don't think any of the other contacts could help me, and that's the only reason I'm using it?

OHHH! I don't know if I wrote about this. I was REALLY mad at my boss the other day. He asked for a couple of Oracle DBA's in a day, and I found a strong one. My boss had made arrangements with the client that he would set up 3 interviews in one day, but he wouldn't set my candidate (Richard) up for one. He didn't think he was qualified enough. I had him come in to meet us, and his personality didn't "wow" him. So instead, he chose three people HE'D NEVER MET. That wasn't right - how can you compare a personality of someone that you've met to a roll of the dice? Well...they were called to interview the day before they were scheduled, and two of them "flaked out". See? He should have MET them first to see the sincerity of their job search and to better represent them to the client. Personally, I don't consider it flaking out when you have less than 24 hours notice, but that's what the two recruiters said. My boss was wringing his hands and saying "does anyone have an Oracle DBA?" and calling our North office saying the same thing. I was SO MAD. I said "you KNOW I have an Oracle DBA, I was the only one that brought someone in to meet you, and you wouldn't send him yesterday". Because there was no one else, he asked me to see if he could be at the interview at 3:00p. It was 11:00a, and the interview was an hour and a half away from where he lived, and he needed to wear a suit. What's SO STRANGE about this whole thing is that this guy got laid off on a Thursday and decided to take a few weeks to just calm down and think about what he wanted to do. I sent him an email the following Tuesday about the job, and he said he checked his email and couldn't believe my message was there. Just some background information. Richard canceled an appointment he had at 1:30, actually had a suit all ready to go (he must be organized!), met with my boss in our North office to get "prepped" for the interview, and was 30 miles outside of town by 3:00. The morning before, he wasn't even looking for a job!

So Richard called yesterday (Friday) and asked for feedback from the interview - he'd had it on Thursday. I hadn't called him and he hadn't called me to get HIS feedback yet, so I had no clue how he thought it went. Well, his interview was at 3:00, and he said he was there for TWO HOURS. That might be normal for an out of town candidate or a management position, but it definitely is not normal for someone in town that you are not interested in hiring. He even met with the team for 30 minutes, but I know better than to "speculate". I started thinking...it was after 5:00 when his interview was done, so the manager probably went home, and my boss didn't get feedback. My boss said no one else's interview was two hours, and he had left the manager a message, but it's very typical for managers to be out of the office on Friday's.

If Richard gets the job, I will SO rub it in my boss's face. He HAS to show me a little more respect, which I notice he already is since my last 2 placements. Plus, Richard really wants to work there. He probably feels like it's "meant to be" by the way it all happened, and I have to admit, it kind of seems like it is. It's strange how so many circumstances just get thrown in the way, yet it keeps working out for him. He's already discussed it with his fiancé, and they will move to the north side of town as soon as they find a new apartment - in about a month - so the drive will only be about 25 minutes. You see how far this has gone? It's natural for someone to think they have a job when they didn't get it at all, but this case is truly bizarre. It's as if the waters keep parting for him and this job. I really hope he gets it - not for me, although I would be incredibly happy for myself, but more for him. He wants this job that is SO FAR AWAY because they will teach him a new technology that he's always wanted to learn. He's worked for big companies so...obviously he must interview somewhat well.

Are you bored of my Oracle story yet? I don't know about Bipolar Girl at work. I'm having to stick up for her to my boss now. She's only had one "deal", and he doesn't encourage her at all like he does me. It drives him crazy that she's not as "focused" as he wants her to be, but she's tried explaining that her mind is so active that when she's on the phone, she'll be looking around or doing something other than just staring at a computer screen. He compares her to me, in front of us, but that's not fair, and I can't say that to them. I take Adderall, and I have the same problem she does, only she's not medicated for it. She has told him she has ADD. Because of Adderall, things are happening around me all of the time, and I stay incredibly focused on the task at hand and I don't pay attention to it. But it's the ADDERALL, it's not really ME. SHE is really ME. Does that make sense? She goes to a psychiatrist and takes Lamictal, so I have no clue why she doesn't take anything for ADD. Except I have ADHD, what's the difference, anyway? I give an excuse as to why it's okay about the lower number of resumes she's sent out this month. I make excuses when she takes smoke breaks - (his pet peeve is smoke breaks). I stand up for her and her hard work ethic, which is really true - she works very hard when she's working. That's the thing, though..."'when she's working". Two minutes here, ten minutes there, it adds up. I know it sounds like I work in a sweat shop, but really...it's up to me how much money I'm going to make, so you bet your ass I'm working as hard as I can, but it's because I WANT to, not because I'm made to do it. I know I didn't like her in the beginning and she still annoys me, but...I feel like she's my ally, even though she doesn't know it. It feels like I'm sticking up for myself when I stand up for her in a way. I still can't tell her I'm bipolar, though. I do NOT trust her to keep that information to herself. She WILL tell this guy at work that is her best friend that I can't STAND, and he's a blabbermouth and EVERYONE will know. No, I can't trust her.

Other than that, I'm sick this weekend. I think it's because the weather is changing. Mark doesn't feel well, either. I'm not in bed over it though, and I'm not taking Seroquel and sleeping the weekend away! Yay!

Good grief. I've typed so much that my fingers hurt!
Friday, October 20, 2006

Not So Bad

Brrrrr..it's cold!

Maybe not so cold to everyone else, but it is for Texas! Yesterday, I think the high was only about 65 or 67, but the wind made it seem so much colder! Right now, I think it's only in the 50's!

Yesterday morning, I don't know what happened. I remember standing next to my alarm clock (it's across the room on the floor to make myself get up), but I couldn't remember where the "snooze" button was. I searched and searched for it in the dark. Mark got up and asked what was wrong with me - why I was letting my alarm go on and on when he was trying to sleep, and I told him. It's the whole top of my clock! He pushed it, and went back to bed. I don't understand why I did that! It's not quite the same, but it reminded me of the time when I woke myself up when my fist made contact with Mark's face. It was such a strange feeling. He's still seems a bit scarred from the event.

My boss was in a good mood in the afternoon, and you know why? He got a deal! I finally figured that out! Even *I* was beating him on deals - he had none, and now he's $1000 ahead of me. He's very competitive. I didn't know it got that bad when he had no deals. No one TOLD me this, but it was OBVIOUS in his change of demeanor - how excited he got. He even called us a "family" and how much he loved us. I replied "maybe a DYSFUNCTIONAL family", not even jokingly. He said "okay, maybe a dysfunctional family". He offered me chocolate, which I politely refused, all kinds of things. I do not let my reaction towards him change (I try not to, but it's hard) just because he's nice. It's hard though, because you start believing he's one person, and then he's not.

I had to weigh myself for my "starting weight" for the DVD's I ordered from www.push.tv, and found I'm back down to 129.5 again, even though I weighed at the end of the day! I can't let that get to my head and start eating like a cow again.

Well, I've got less than an hour to get to work, and I think the coffee's almost done (I hope, because it's FREEZING), so talk to you soon, dear blog! :-)
Wednesday, October 18, 2006

My Jerk Boss

Yesterday, I was late to our morning meeting. Actually, two of us were. So my jerk boss sent out this LENGTHY memo to all of the offices about how our success depended on the effort we put in, being on time to meetings, how it was rude - make sure that we always leave to get to work by at LEAST 7:45 (work starts at the LATEST 8:00a, he'd prefer 7:00) - seriously, it was 3 paragraphs long. I replied that I was sorry, traffic was bad, and he responded with this mushy memo about how wonderful of a job I was doing and about 4 sentences of mush.

So what happened TODAY? I got there before 7:30a, and was the first one there. I unlocked the doors, and started to work. The first person didn't get there until 7:50.

My boss? GET THIS! He called at 8:00, and said he had a "dental appointment". He came in at 8:45a. Now tell me...first of all, he conveniently, after writing that lengthy memo about being on time, forgot to tell us he had a dental appointment this morning, and then...the dentist was able to finish up AND my boss was able to drive in to work and be in the office by 8:45a? Give me a freaking break. So I started out already pissed. He said good morning and I didn't even look at him.

This is how I get when I'm through with someone.

All day for the past 2 days, he'd been saying OVER AND OVER to find Oracle people, so that's what I'd been doing. I was the only one who actually got someone to come into the office to MEET him for the stupid po-dunk job he had. The guy was normal enough. And then what happened? He set up 3 interviews with the company and did NOT include the guy I spent an entire day finding. I was SO pissed, and he knew it. I hear everything he says on the phone, and I heard him say to someone "well why don't you get me some Oracle people?" and I turned and looked at him in SHOCK and DISBELIEF and I was SO PISSED and he said, to whoever he was talking to "I've made KansasSunflower pretty mad I think...". Hell yeah!

I can't even pretend anymore. I NEVER leave right at 5:00, but he was talking about another recruiter's Oracle guy with him at his desk with his back turned to me, and I picked up my purse, left my computer on and Lotus Notes up, and walked right out the door. Everyone was still at work. Yes, he knows I'm PISSED.

I told "Older Woman" today that I'd had it, I couldn't do it anymore. I had to sit there and listen to him tell someone on the phone today that the guy needed to go to church, how much it helped his family, and in the same breath, say he wished employees would just say why they were going to be out - just be honest. Well why the hell wasn't he honest today? Talking about church to someone and then straight out lie? What's that about?

Anyways...she's been a successful recruiter for 10 years, and said I'm too good of a recruiter to just leave, and he'd never let me if he knew how I felt. Well...I don't give a rat's ass what he thinks or if he knows what I feel. I talked to her about becoming a corporate recruiter, all kinds of things.

So Bipolar Girl and Older Woman, we're all on his "team", decided we needed to sit him down and tell him how he's been acting and treating us. I don't see what the point is. YES, he WILL change. But you can't change someone's personality. He'll change temporarily. And tonight I know he went to Bible study "to become a better person", to which I've already TOLD him "it wasn't working". Yes, I really told him that, and of course, everyone laughed.

He just gets on me and won't shut up. It's a broken record...over and over and over. But the Oracle thing....it makes me so mad I could start crying right this second. Luckily another Account Manager has a job for him that is actually a BETTER job and is closer to where he lives, so I'm not that worried about him. It's just that he wouldn't shut up about it that day and it was the ONLY REASON I looked for Oracle skills.

Bipolar Girl was sick yesterday, and she admitted to Older Woman and myself that she was out yesterday because she couldn't deal with HIM again after Monday. Yes, he's causing us to miss work now. It was REALLY bad Monday. She's bipolar, I'm bipolar....we can't deal with this STRESS. It's a trigger for us.

On another work note, I closed another deal. Yay for me, right? I'd rather have it than not, it's exciting, but I don't much care. I'm happy for the people who are getting new jobs and are really excited about it. Money wise, it means nothing.

My boss is going to PISS me off so badly that I'll end up doing what I did at my last company. I'll "pick up my umbrella on a sunny day, walk out the door and never come back".

On another note, Mark's phone interview with the company in Ohio is tomorrow. I really don't want to go to Ohio, I don't think. I'd rather just find a job I can be happy with HERE. I did some research, and there is literally NOTHING in this town in Ohio. Mark said the company that he'd be working for said they would help me find a job. Great. A recruiter helping a recruiter find a job. Like THAT is going to happen. I told him it was fluff - we say that too.

I guess tomorrow we'll have a sit down chat with my asshole boss. I know I'll just get quiet, but I won't deny anything. Who knows, maybe I'll speak up. I already warned them that sometimes I get quiet in those situations, and they told me not to worry, they thought I'd "pipe in".
Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Are Things Changing?

Today was strange.

I got 3 offers. No, not for myself. One of my candidates was offered two jobs, and another of my candidates was offered another job. He accepted the job already, but she doesn't know which job to take, and I don't know if she'll take either. I don't know why I'm not happy. Why am I not happy? I work ALL DAY EVERY DAY for this, I get 3 offers in ONE DAY, and I'm not happy? Why not? What's WRONG with me? I feel like it was dumb luck. Of COURSE I believe in the people I represent - I believe in EVERY SINGLE ONE. I had become "good friends" with both of these people, actually. We would just chat on the phone. They were both excited, and I'm excited FOR them. I'm just not happy for MYSELF, and I should be. So why am I not? I guess it's because I see no real reward for my work and effort. The guy had been looking for months (I just started working with him a few weeks ago). It wasn't that he wasn't talented, he just had a really crappy resume. Resumes make a HUGE difference.

Oh, well. I'm always whining and complaining, and over what? Nothing. My life could be so much worse - bad, even. I don't have a bad life. I have it pretty good, actually. I should have kept taking 10mg of Abilify, but that would have required me to go to the dr.'s office and get a new prescription for 10mg...

Mark has a phone interview this week for a job in Ohio. I just can't even imagine that he'll get it. What are the chances? I start to think about it, and I even get a little bit excited. I wonder why? I LOVE our house. I would probably cry to leave it. I wonder if it's just because I'd get a chance to quit my job and move out of the South. I came from the Midwest, and to the Midwest back I would go? If it meant feeling "normal" and people actually making sense when they had something to say, then yeah, it would be worth it. On blogs, I have no clue where someone lives. But in real life here, the "natives" stick out to me like sore thumbs. Not that I hate living in the South. :-) After all the griping and complaining I've done through the years about living here, I wonder...if I actually moved, would I THEN consider myself a Texan? That's a strange thought. Still...I can't imagine Mark would ACTUALLY get a job in Ohio. Not that I don't believe in him, but it's just too much to even get worked up about or discuss when it's not a probability. Moving from HERE to THERE would be an *incredible* culture shock, especially for Mark. He's never lived outside of this CITY, let alone Texas! Nope, he's never lived further than 30 miles from mom and pop (who voted for JFK...TWICE!).

I don't have much else to say. I feel blah. Unhappy. Bored. Unsatisfied with my life. I don't like the direction it's headed, but I don't know what direction to turn or where I want it to go. It's sad that if Mark said "I want to take this job in Ohio", that I have nothing here to keep me. Nothing at all.

Oh yeah - my psychiatrist. What in the world would I do without HIM? That's a scary thought.
Monday, October 16, 2006

Today

Well, I didn't overdose on Seroquel this weekend. So that's a positive! Don't think it didn't occur to me, or I wasn't incredibly tempted. It did, and boy, was I ever. I have no idea why. Why do I want to sleep the weekends away, yet look forward to them during the week?

My boss is a jackass. He sits beside me and demeans me (and others) all day long. True, he was in a bad mood today, but he tears people down instead of building them up. At one point, I was TRYING to give him a resume for one of HIS accounts, and he just kept on and on, and I felt tears start at the corners of my eyes, and I thought, what? I'm not going to CRY over him. He's out of his MIND! He tells me the same thing over and over and grinds it in so many times all in the same breath that you just want to walk off, but you can't. He's your boss. I'm so tired of being "talked down to". True, today was an extreme day, I hope. We'll see what happens tomorrow, but today, the only names I can think to use for him are expletives.

A girl in the women's locker room really made me curious today, but when I realized the situation, I felt bad. I was fixing my hair and putting on my makeup, and behind me in the mirror I could see an overweight girl...I am really bad at guessing weight I realized when I started watching "The Biggest Loser". I thought all the women were about 170-180, not 240-260. So I guess...she was about 5'4 or so, and knowing I think women are lighter than they are...I would say 200. I don't really know! Anyway, she was getting undressed, and I was AMAZED at how free she felt and just got completely naked, grabbed her towel, and walked to the showers. No, I wasn't just STARING at her, but I was sneaking peeks, I couldn't help it. She came back and I was still primping at the mirror, and I couldn't help but see her behind me, and I REALIZED what I *thought* was so "free" was actually, well, kind of discriminating. The towels in the locker room, when I thought about it, aren't that big. They are much smaller than the ones we have at home. And I'm 5'6", 5'7"...130-135, and it fits around me, but there's not a ton of towel left over. She was buck naked because the towel wouldn't fit around her! I saw her trying to hold it up, and felt horrible for her. She looked pretty young, too. But good for her for going to the gym - I saw her on the treadmill earlier. Don't you think the towels should be bigger? I guess if I were in her situation, I would DEFINITELY bring my own towel, no matter where I was going after the gym. I thought she was very brave, and knew if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be able to do that. She's pretty healthy body image wise, and can do things that *I* can't do. Maybe it's a silly story, but the women's locker room is a place of mystery to me. I see it as a study in Sociology.

Speaking of weight, I started taking double the recommended dosage of Phentermine the other day. I've just got to get to my goal weight, and I'm so close. Or at least, I WAS. The normal dosage does nothing for me, but I think I bought some diluted phentermine. That's what you get for buying it online.

Maybe I need to find a new job. I actually did start applying for jobs yesterday, but just a few, and just on LinkedIn, and only corporate recruiter jobs where I wouldn't have to put up with this crap.

I'm even thinking of trying to go back to the horrid Big-5 where I used to work. I know I got FIRED, but my manager was one of my best friends and she really had no choice, and I bet I'm "marked" as "laid off" instead of "cannot be hired back".

Anything's better than what I'm going through now. But...I think I may make a placement tomorrow!
Sunday, October 15, 2006

No Filth for the Weekend

This weekend, I haven't been sitting in my own filth! I accredit Abilify for that. I know I've been doing really well on it, but I know attribute it to my appetite, so I went DOWN from 10mg to 5mg. I shouldn't have since I felt SO WELL on 10mg, but maybe I'll go from 5mg to 7 or 8mg, then 10mg. I got a new bottle of Phentermine, but I don't think it's real Phentermine. Either I'm completely used to it, or it's just aspirin or something. I took two this morning, and still ended up hungry. NOT normal. I NEVER take two at once.

I'm trying to talk Mark into getting a dog, but he's not budging. He's not over Cody yet. Is it wrong of me to get or beg him for a dog when he's not over losing Cody? I think it would be therapeutic for us.

I told him we had a good home for "another little being", and so we talked about having a baby. Not SERIOUSLY, but we've talked about it before this weekend. I told him I don't think I CAN have children. No, my doctor has not told me this. But I had surgery several years ago (and a scar, at least 12" long along my bikini line to prove it) for endometriosis, huge ovarian cysts, fibroids, and to remove some "pre-cancerous tissue". I learned from another girl who had surgery for endometriosis that her doctor told her that it usually comes back and makes it impossible to have kids. Now, she had surgery for only this, where I wouldn't have if that was all I had. But is that true? She told me this because she was totally bummed about it, and she was about 24. My doctor didn't tell me that. He actually told me there was no reason why I shouldn't be able to have them. Everything looked good to him.

I need to go to the OB/GYN. I was going every 3 months because I had an abnormal pap smear, meaning the possibility of cervical cancer. I was clear after 3 good ones, and only needed to go yearly after that. But my doctor got a DWI, checked himself into rehab, was found to have alcohol in his urine twice when they tested him, and his license was suspended. So...I was left without an OB/GYN, and he was really good, too. Now I haven't been in at least 3, maybe 4 years, and I had PRE - CANCEROUS CELLS! I'm scared to go now. I just KNOW I'll have to have another surgery. For some reason, I think all of this will come back. I think he told me he thought the ovarian cysts would come back. One was as big as a tennis ball, and I actually lost WEIGHT after my surgery last time!

I'm going in to work today - Sunday. I think the Abilify is really working.
Friday, October 13, 2006

OMG!

Oh My God! or Gosh!

I was really looking forward to this guy's interview today. I've never met him face-to-face, but we've spoken on the phone for a few months, and he seems nice enough. It seems like it's too hard for him to get a job for what he does, but...who am I to judge? I thought he just didn't have a well written resume, and sent him one with the name deleted as an example so he could rewrite his. He never did do it, although NOW he promises he'll do it this weekend. A lot of good THAT will do.

So what happened?

He lives in Virginia, and I got him an interview with a company in Augusta, GA. The company paid for his hotel and meals, etc., and he drove himself there - about 5 hours, maybe? He spent the night, and his interview was at 9:00am sharp this morning.

This company was going to pay to RELOCATE HIM to Augusta. All of his belongings - the works. Pay for closing costs on a new house - if he'd owned a house, they would have paid commission if he'd sold it, cash to boot, etc. What an idiot. Everything but throwing in the golf club membership (haha).

I get a memo from the Account Manager in Atlanta with the subject line "not good" around 1:00p. I thought crap, what happened? It was forwarded from this company - feedback on this guy's interview.

At first, it said he wasn't a match for their company's culture, he wouldn't fit in with the team, and he didn't have the skills needed for the job. That's a lot on its' own, right?

WRONG.

The next paragraph said he showed up 10 minutes late, he was disheveled, and there was an "odor and facial appearance (I don't understand the facial appearance part)" of recent drinking.

My guy showed up to his interview DRUNK!

Can you frickin' believe that?

So I'm freaking out, apologizing to the Account Manager (what am I going to do? I was just hoping he could salvage the relationship with the company), and trying to decide what to put into our database about the interview (should I put he was DRUNK, or?) and should I call him and tell him they said he was drunk, or call him at all, or????

My boss was at lunch, and normally that's a good thing, but I REALLY REALLY needed him. I discussed it with my coworkers about what to do, and they all had differing opinions. At first, I wanted to call him and read to him EXACTLY what the feedback was. That way, I could still send him somewhere and he wouldn't show up DRUNK next time. (wishful thinking?)

My boss got back, and everyone was up in arms, and I told him I really needed his help, and he said "quietly, without anyone listening, what happened, and we'll solve it" because EVERYONE was talking.

I told him, and he said not to tell him the company said he was drunk. That might make him mad and he could call the people that interviewed him and cause trouble. He said to tell him the first part - he wasn't a fit, and he didn't have the skills.

What to put in the database? "No go - questionable appearance". He said it was "heresay", no reason to copy/paste, and no reason everyone had to know, but something needed to be said.

So then my phone rang. Guess who it was?

Yes, it was HIM. He seemed jovial enough, but I guess he should, right? He was telling me about some Tom Thumb commercial with a GPS? I told him I Tivo'd everything and fast forwarded through the commercials, then asked how the interview went. He said "it was very strange". I asked "how?", and he started complaining about the people that interviewed him. I didn't let him go on for too long without telling him he didn't get the job because they didn't believe he was a fit for their company's culture, and his skills weren't a match. He THEN said he knew it was going badly when they had an "emergency meeting" in the middle of his interview and he had to leave!

He agreed that he wasn't a fit for the culture. Once he told me that they were all wearing suits, I thought "Oh my Gosh". I TRIED to get him to wear a suit, but he said he couldn't fit into one, and he thought what he was going to wear was good enough.

What did he wear? I had to TALK him into a tie, and talk him OUT of cotton khaki pants. The evening of the interview, I called him to check on him, and found out he was going to be wearing brown pants, a light green shirt, a darker green tie, a blue "blazer" and "pennyloafers". Brown, green, blue colors mixed with pennyloafers to an interview? I had my boss get on the phone with him and talk him out of the green shirt and into a white shirt at the very least. Where we thought he would get said shirt, I don't know, but he said he was at Wal-Mart, and I thought SURELY they have a plain white cotton button up shirt there.

But see, he was so NICE. I had told him I'd never been to Augusta before and had wondered what it was like, and he apologized for not taking his camera because he wanted to take pictures for me and send them to me so I could see it for myself. Then I realized...yeah, he must still be drunk. He started saying how he was driving about 1000 miles an hour, and how he wanted to get a job in my city so he could take me to lunch. I just said "sure, that would be nice", making a mental note not to ever ever ever submit him for a job in my city.

So I don't know what to do. I guess he's out for good as far as me helping him. The thing is....what if that's not really him? What if it was all a big mistake? My coworkers think he's an alcoholic. But how do I know? What if he was really nervous the night before and went out and drank too much, when he normally doesn't drink? Seriously, how do I know? Doing something one time does not mean there's a "history", you know?

Everyone left for the day, and it was just me and my boss left in the office. My boss asked if I liked working there, and I said yes. He asked if I had heard of anyone being unhappy, and I said no. I actually haven't. I knew he did this, but it's just uncomfortable. He started talking about other people in the office. It's like he just needs someone to talk to - to get feedback or something. I guess he really has no one else to talk to, but it seems inappropriate when they're my coworkers.

He started telling me who was successful and why, and who wasn't, and then started asking me "what do you think of...", and he got to one person that I really don't like much. Why? Several reasons. Before I knew "Bipolar Girl" was "Bipolar", she had really, really hurt her back, to the point where she was out for one or two days, and then could hardly walk at work. So...I did something pretty stupid, but I was really just being compassionate. I gave her a Klonipin, told her to break it in half, that it might relax her and then her back wouldn't be so tense and it might hurt less. She said it actually did help, and saved the other half for the next day at work.

But back to my story. This guy...what shall I call him. Fatso. (sorry, but it will be easy for me to remember him by that). Bipolar Girl is friends with Fatso - they came from the same company. Apparently she told him what I gave her, and he ACTUALLY came up to me at my desk and ASKED me for one! Can you believe that?

I was PISSED. I said "No!", and do you know what he said? He said "Please?!?". I said "no, go away, I'm not the drug lady!". I was SO OFFENDED. I got mad at Bipolar Girl for telling him, and she apologized over and over, saying she shouldn't have said anything and she didn't mean to make me mad. NOW I think she must take street drugs, but that's beside the point.

When Fatso starts talking to you about ANYTHING, he doesn't shut up. My boss brought it up - that he noticed he did this to a girl that sits by him, and I told him he doesn't shut up, and he asked how did I know because he never sees me talking to him. I told him I know, because I ignore him, he'll keep on talking for 30 minutes, and you can't get any work done. I told my boss that sometimes he seems serious about his job, and sometimes he doesn't. It's true - too many things to list, and I wasn't trying to throw him under the bus, but you would just have to understand our work environment. My boss told me one girl felt like Fatso was a "predator", and I thought "yeah...that's it...that's what it's like". He then said he didn't know if he should keep him or "cut him loose". Hello??? Like he should be telling me this? Is he not afraid I'll tell everyone? Of COURSE I'd NEVER tell, but then you start wondering "what does he say about me to other people?", you know?

Other than drunk interview guy, that was basically my day.

I still feel pretty good! And I figured out why I'm hungrier since I started taking Abilify. It's not the Abilify at all! Since I couldn't sleep, I'd been taking 100mg of Seroquel at night instead of 50mg. I just realized that tonight. Well duh, I doubled my Seroquel dosage, and of COURSE my appetite is going to increase. I'm going back down to 50mg tonight.

We'll see how long this "feeling good" lasts...:-) Probably about as long as the next train wreck interview!! Which, by the way, the next face-to-face is a girl flying from CA to PA and interviewing on Monday at 2:30p EST....if she's not drunk, I wonder what will happen THIS time...
Thursday, October 12, 2006

Everything's A-OK

Yes, it really is!

It started yesterday. I know I posted in the Arms of the Angel, but I just happened to be listening to the song at the time, and those words always strike a chord with me.

Home is good, work is good, everything is just....good! Not SUPER good, not sort of good, just...really good. It's a weird feeling to be happy. Just to be happy. But not TOO happy, you know?

It's nice that my life is enough right at this very moment. Sure, I'd like to lose weight and win the lottery and have more clothes and wish Mark had a job he loved, etc. etc.

But I'm.....actually happy. Content. The opposite of depressed.

Pinch me - I'm afraid this won't last. Who's happy just to be happy? I don't remember feeling like this.

I think the Abilify is making me hungry during the day, but if that is the byproduct of being happy, well...I'll figure out a way to deal with that.

It's so fun not to have issues weighing heavily on my mind, and to actually be excited for tomorrow.

I can't remember experiencing this.

It just feels so.....damn healthy!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Second Chance that Never Comes...

Spend all your time waiting...for that second chance
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always one reason to feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference - escaping one last time.
It's easier to believe...
In this sweet madness - oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees.

I keep on waiting for that second chance to make everything okay, but it never comes.
I never feel good enough, and I don't know why.
I always do the right thing, and for what reason?
I lie to "make up for all that I lack".
And my madness - my glorious sadness - it truly brings me to my knees, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't know true empathy without it, as much as it terrifies me.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Doubled the Abilify - BIPOLAR RAGE

Today was Day 1 of 10mg of Abilify instead of 5mg.

How did I do?

I've never felt so "bipolar" in my life as far as mania is concerned. Well, I guess I've been more manic, it just seems so much more obvious this time.

I SNAPPED at work today. We have a database of thousands of people and their specialties, and I had just spoken to one about a position 5 calendar days ago, found their resume on my desk, looked their name up in our database to see where I was in the process, and I couldn't believe it! Bipolar Girl had CALLED that person for the SAME JOB right under my nose, but found because of visa status, he/she wouldn't qualify. That's not the point, though. I clearly put in the notes "waiting on resume". And FIVE DAYS AFTER THAT she calls the person as if I hadn't already established a relationship with this person and he/she had expressed enough interest in the job to send me his/her resume? How chicken-shit is that? I was SO PISSED. It wasn't the first time something similar had happened, and I saw RED. Actually, all of my actions and words just happened, I didn't even second guess them.

I turned to my boss, and asked hypothetical questions, like what happened to me. He said the person should have at least called the original person and asked if they could work with them. But I couldn't let it go. I KNOW my look at him was seething with hatred, I could feel it and was aware of it, but I didn't care. I wanted him to KNOW how mad I was.

But that wasn't what set me off even worse. Sitting in the chair right next to him was guess who? BIPOLAR GIRL! And you know what she was saying? "Oh that's just not right." and "I'd never do that - I'd call that person first". I just got more and more mad, and there was no "stop" button in my head. I wanted to slap her face and grab her hair and throw her on the floor.

FINALLY my boss said "Okay, if it is someone on OUR team (meaning myself, Older Woman, and Bipolar Girl), then I would just pull them into a room and talk to them. It's not someone on our team, is it?", and I said "yes". Then they were all looking at me. And my boss said "You mean it was Older Woman or Bipolar Girl?", and I said "Yes", not looking at Bipolar Girl. Older woman stood up a bit and looked up over her cube, and Bipolar Girl turned all the way around and said "Was it ME? Did I do that?", almost screeching, and definitely getting loud. At the same time I said "yes", and I couldn't look her in the eyes this whole time, she was already making excuses. "KansasSunflower, I NEVER look at the notes, I just call. Just ASK me - I would have let you have that person, I just didn't know", and my boss was telling me how I should put "leave this person alone" in the notes.

BULLSHIT! I was thinking. We should not be stepping on each other's toes like that. Out of thousands and thousands and thousands of names in that database, that just shouldn't happen, and how hard is it to read obvious notes before you put yours in (you would just have to see it). I mean, what is the purpose of putting in notes, if you don't READ THEM, IDIOT? I said "I wasn't planning on giving a name regarding this issue. I wanted to know what the rules were/are", while Bipolar Girl was blubbering about how sorry she was.

But no one understood me. I was in a BIPOLAR RAGE, and didn't realize it. Bipolar Girl then went back to her desk and started emailing me how I was such a good friend of hers and she'd never do anything like that to me - just tell her next time, and she'd try really hard not to do that again. Things like "I'm SO SO SORRY!" I just replied with "I never meant to use your name - I just wanted to know what the rules were", not really giving her the reprieve she wanted, I'm sure.

Obviously, I should have just said something to her, not my boss who owns the company and is whacked out of his mind. He probably thinks I'm a troublemaker now, and boy was I giving him the evil eye. I mean, what do I even look like in the middle of a bipolar rage?

I had to leave right at 5:00, leaving all of them still there, and God only knows what they all said about me, but I realized as I was almost home, I was STILL IN A RAGE, only...I wasn't mad about that anymore. I was furious just to be furious. I never have road rage, but I sure did coming home. I wanted to scream and yell at Mark, and looked for ANY reason, but he just kept asking what was wrong with me.

When I couldn't attach my rage to anything, that's when it hit me. I'm in the middle of a bipolar rage. Now...realizing this and making it go away are two different things. I'm still pissed as hell and want something, ANYTHING to take it out on, but I know that yes, right at this moment, I am sick.

I took 2 klonipin (I couldn't think of anything else to do), and got home in time to sign the closing papers as we're refinancing our home for a lower interest rate. It made me "suck it up".

I'm still edgy. I feel my voice getting shrill and I start raising my voice and getting excited (not in a good way). But I'm no longer in the depths of a bipolar rage.

What the HELL do I do about work tomorrow? I'm such a "nice person" everyone thinks. My boss loves that we all get along. And here I was, the raving bitch today. I had Bipolar Girl sending me email after email, saying she was sorry over and over.

But still! What she did was BULLSHIT! I don't believe her! She needs to read the fucking notes - why the HELL does she think they're there? So SHE doesn't call MY candidate 5 days after my last note and try to steal him/her away, like she TRIED TO DO!

This Abilify...is it possible that's it's making me manic? That's a stupid question. Of COURSE it is. Because...I'm not a big "manic" person. I wasn't manic before I started taking it. My doc diagnosed me as being depressed. I rarely have mania symptoms. But here I am, feeling like, yeah, I'm really bipolar, not just depressed. This is so bizarre for me. With each new symptom, I think "next time I feel this way, I'll remember I'm manic...", but then next time, it will be a whole new symptom that I haven't filed away in my memory yet.

Which reminds me, these weird sexual images keep popping into my head at the most inconvenient times, like when I'm talking to someone of the opposite sex. It's usually completely disgusting because of the person, yet I don't know why it pops into my head? Has it always done this? Geez, I can't even put it on my blog. It's too....weird. I never read stuff like this on anyone else's blog, and I'm not about to get THAT real. It's like, you're talking to someone, and then a thought pops into your head about that person, and at the same time you're thinking "that's disgusting", but why did it pop into your head at all? That's what I don't understand.

How the hell do I know what's manic and what's me? I always ask this question, don't I...except usually it's less specific and "how do I know what's bipolar and what's me?". I don't even care, I'm in a bit of a crisis.

When I felt that bipolar rage, my ears were ringing (they still are, just not as much), they physically HURT, I could feel my lymph nodes in my neck (I still can, just lessened), and my head was kind of buzzing. I was on HIGH ALERT.

Bipolar rage is EXACTLY the symptom I'm scared of getting if Mark starts traveling. I'll start calling him 100 times an hour, and break up with him because of any reason that comes into my head. How do I know this? Because I've DONE IT! I'll convince myself of something, and that will be that.

I keep thinking....just get up to 15mg and stay there for awhile, and the mania will go away. I'm NOT a manic person. I'm really not, just read through my blog. Mostly you'll find lots and lots of depression, self hatred, and loathing.

I don't know how to keep reminding myself of this each day, though.

Should I call my doctor? Or just stick to the plan and see how it goes when I'm on full dosage for a week or two? I think I'll go with the latter. I can stick this out. Maybe it was good what I did today. I'm usually so complacent and let things happen that shouldn't. My feelings and thoughts were known today. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe it wasn't bipolar rage - maybe it was ME getting out some of the feelings that make me depressed, and the anger just lingered because I've been so mad for so long.

Who the hell knows? Man am I glad I'm not a mother today. I would hate myself if I would have come down hard on them because of it, but...no one is perfect.
Monday, October 09, 2006

Abilify

I felt really weird today. In a super good mood, but...weird. I still feel weird. Energy-charged. Mark even asked what was wrong with me. I don't know. I seem to be talking too fast, or have so much to say I can't get it all out at once. I almost feel like I'm going to trip up my words trying to get out what I want to say next because what I'm saying isn't being said fast enough for me to get my next thought out. Does that make sense? I feel WIDE AWAKE. It's a bizarre thing. I mean, yeah, when you're awake, you're supposed to feel awake. But I feel WIDE awake. I can't explain it. Everything just can't go fast enough. My eyes feel like they are wide open, like I don't need to blink. This doesn't even sound like I'm making sense. Watching television is too cumbersome. The movement is at a snail's pace...every channel...every show...they need to pick it up a little.

I didn't feel this way yesterday. But I didn't take Abilify yesterday. Abilify actually gives me insomnia, even when I take all this medication to knock me out and sleep. Is it the Abilify? When I was driving in to work, my heart beat a couple of times and really hurt. That's happened to me a ton of times before, but this time it really hurt. MAN. I didn't know I could type SO FAST. I mean, I've always been a fast typist, but I bet I could get up to 90 wpm tonight. I'm typing so fast that the letters are coming up on the screen slower than I'm typing.

I started feeling a bit dizzy at work towards the end of the day. How can I explain the feeling? It's kind of like...when you've had too much caffeine on an empty stomach, and you feel sick and your head starts to spin a little bit. Supercharged, and sick from it at the same time.

I have no idea how to relax right now. When I take my nighttime meds before the Seroquel, hopefully that will "bring me down". I guess I feel "high", without knowing what it's like to feel "high" on speed.

I feel SO BAD. For some reason, today I was paying attention to Bipolar Eating Girl out of the corner of my eye. The way we sit, it's easy for me to watch her while I look at my computer screen. I never noticed how much she doesn't work. She'll actually just sit there and...do nothing. Or she'll have her head turned and listen to an entire conversation of someone else's. She probably made at least 5 personal phone calls that were meaningless. "Did so and so call to confirm his dental appointment?". She got up and looked out the window at the traffic once. And...she just sat there, looking around. She left 5 minutes early for lunch. My boss kept saying stuff to her about getting resumes out, and she's doing the best she can. SAP is just hard, and I wish he would throw a little praise her way. I don't know what happened, but he frustrated her with a resume. He really is half out of his mind. He'll get out his "red pen" and go to town on resumes...it's so elementary.

So he picked on her today. He kept mentioning to her how few resumes she's gotten out this month (in my heightened state of awareness, I got out 8 resumes today - more than I'd gotten out ALL MONTH until today, and 2 requests for interviews). She's a pleaser, as I've mentioned before, so it really got her down, *I* think. I think she could have started crying when she left the office. We're supposed to stay until 7:00p on Mondays and Tuesdays, and she got up at 5:00 to leave, and he came down on her about it...again. When he got distracted, I told her to just go home and try to relax - I wasn't staying late tomorrow, and we'd stay late together Wednesday. She seemed to really appreciate that I said that - it was something so small, though. I DID stand up for her once today and said "You're really being hard about resumes today..." to my boss, and he acted like "Who, me?".

Now I feel responsible for her. She shared with me that she's bipolar, and I understand the depths of bipolar depression, so...how can I not look after her if I sense she's feeling low? I have a feeling she left the office and went home and cried. There was probably something else going on that I didn't even know about in her life. She wasn't herself, but then again, neither was I!

I wonder if she'll even come into the office tomorrow, or if she'll call in sick, or just quit altogether.

I should stop worrying about Bipolar Eating girl and worry about myself and my flying fingers on the keypad.

I just hope I can go to sleep tonight. I don't know how - I want the constant movement - like my fingers flying across the typepad and I don't want to stop (God knows my mind won't shut up and if I don't force myself, this entry will be 5000 words long), but, well, it's now 8:47 and I can go take my nighttime meds....

TTYS! :-)

UPDATE: 1:56A - I've been up since midnight, my stomach hurts from eating chocolate chip cookies, and I don't think I could go back to sleep if I wanted to. This is miserable, but here I go back up the stairs to try....

Weighed

I weighed this morning - 135. I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I was expecting it due to how I was eating this month. I'm ordering more Phentermine, buying more Equal to drink more coffee in the morning, and going back to my normal eating habits - no more cheating.

It's as if this is the weight my body wants to stay. But I was so much lower for so long. We'll see how it goes.

I ate SO MUCH this weekend that 135 today is actually pretty good. That means next month, if I weigh on a day when I've been doing pretty good that week, I will weigh a lot less.

We'll see.
Sunday, October 08, 2006

Slept Away...

Well, I did it again. I took a bunch of Seroquel yesterday afternoon, and slept until 1:00p today (Sunday). But I REALLY didn't feel good yesterday. I had a "cry headache" - has anyone ever had one of those? I started to cry over a movie at home, and then stopped myself, or couldn't cry, or something. I also felt nauseous from the Abilify (I think that's what is making me sick, anyway), so I took about 6 Seroquel and went to bed. I got up twice - once last night and then again this morning, and up for good at 3:00p today. I don't know if I'm escaping, just sick, or what.

But here it is, Sunday afternoon, and I've just gotten out of bed. It would be one thing if I just slept and was depressed, but it's not. I do this ON PURPOSE. I actually warned Mark what I was going to do - I told him I didn't feel good and that I was going to go ahead and take my medicine and go to bed. I didn't want him thinking I was doing the same thing I did last weekend.

So - I don't know what to do about Abilify. I don't want to take it, but maybe 4 or 5 days isn't giving it a chance? I don't like how I feel or act on it, but how do I know it hasn't all been coincidental?

On another note, Mark has been getting serious about finding another job...FINALLY. The one he's in now wastes his talents, although it pays better than any job he's had. The only thing (and dang if I didn't "sell" him into it) is that he's interviewing with Big-5 companies, and he would be gone for 5 nights (probably) out of the week. The first one he's interviewing with is the same company where we met, with a different level and position, of course. He doesn't think he'll get the job, but when I think about it, the cards are in his favor, considering he's already worked there and they have all of his old reviews.

The other jobs he has lined up are more of the same. I sat him down and told him to stop turning jobs down with travel, that I was OKAY with it, I would be fine. He's gotten to a point where it's just impossible to have a job that doesn't travel at all and do what he wants to do. He's never once complained, he just turns them down once he finds out, or doesn't pursue them. I can't hold him back because of my illness - that's not fair to him. At the same time...I hope I don't freak out when he's gone. First Cody, and then Mark?
Thursday, October 05, 2006

I'm Down Today and EATING BIPOLAR GIRL - GRRR!

I'm really down today, and I'm not sure why. It just suddenly came over me at work. All of a sudden I felt "insufficient" and "overwhelmed", and then "depressed". Now I feel like I could cry, except...I'm not. There's really nothing to cry about. And I'm kind of bitchy. I thought this Abilify was supposed to work? I was depressed for ONE WEEKEND, and now I get depressed at work during the day for no reason ON Abilify? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? There are so many thoughts going through my mind that are upsetting me...they just BOTHER me, and they depress me because I can't DO anything about them. They're really "nothings" to be honest. They are things that I couldn't possibly do anything about anyway. Girl!

EATING BIPOLAR GIRL!! Grrr! After reading the comments, and after her driving me INSANE today to where I could hardly speak to her, I've decided a few things. Yes, I don't HAVE to like everyone. Just because she's bipolar does NOT mean we have to "bond" - as it was said in the comments, just because two people have diabetes doesn't make them instant best friends upon sight (my own version of what was said).

And YES! I DO have a natural instinct for not telling her. I sit and watch her all day, listen to her be TWO FACED all day about her boyfriend, for instance: say one thing to me about him, like how she can't wait to leave him because he's an asshole and cheated on her, and she's only using him as a place to live and she can't wait to get the hell out, then SHE calls HIM several times every day and acts lovey dovey to him and says stuff like "do you want me to send you some clothes ? want me to bring home asparagus? I did your laundry this weekend...oh you're just so funny and cute!...I could go on and on. It pisses me off to hear her do that, because having a place to stay does not mean you have to call someone two times a day and act submissive with love stars in your eyes, and be all proud and excited about your "boyfriend". But oh! She's getting an apartment and can't wait to move out and she'll never talk to him again - it will be heaven! Do you not understand why I don't trust her??? I DO NOT LIKE HER. Why would I want to "bond" with her? Share little "bipolar secrets"? Do you see that she would not keep these to herself?

She has to please everyone - like her boyfriend, and my BOSS. He has this crazy idea of getting referrals from EVERYONE. I mean he just doesn't SHUT UP about it. He probably says it, NO JOKE, 20 times every day. What to say, how to say it. I just ignore him, except I actually heard him say that he was thinking of hiring a new recruiter, and they couldn't use the INTERNET to recruit until they had filled up a sheet with 20 names of referrals 3 days in a row. He is off his rocker. Oh yeah, about Eating Bipolar Girl. So she is always trying to please everyone, even my boss. She LOUDLY started being very aggressive about getting referrals. I mean AGGRESSIVE. "You won't give me a name? Why not?....Well what do you think I would do if you did?....What are you afraid of?...Just give me a name and I'll call them confidentially, I won't even use your name.....I get told "no" 100 times a day....oh, he hung up on me." I hear this over and over, and of COURSE she doesn't do it when my boss isn't sitting there, only when he's back at his desk.

It's so frickin' FAKE. She's not doing it to be a good recruiter, don't you see? She's DOING it to PLEASE my boss. Her life REVOLVES around pleasing other people. And it drives me insane. It's so fake. It really is, because...she doesn't mean what she says or does. What she says isn't for the person she says it to. It's for HERSELF. She wants someone to like her, to be pleased with her, and she'll do and say what she needs to so she can get that self gratification. I guess it's called insecurity?

I'm insecure too - God knows that. And that's what I *hate* about it. It's a quality of mine that I hate about myself, and here I see it blown up 1000 times, and it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. She kept eating and eating today, and finally I said "Do you want some GUM? Maybe that will help." (she was complaining) and she said "Oh yes, please, thank you SO MUCH!". I think I gave her gum twice - I would have paid a dollar for each of those sticks of gum I gave her.

Maybe my mind is taking my depression out on her because she's an easy target.

But no, it is NOT heaven to have someone who is bipolar in the same office with you. As a matter of fact, it's a nightmare. Maybe if she was bipolar in the same way that *I* am bipolar, that would be different. But just because she's bipolar does NOT make us alike, or even compatible.

I don't care that I don't have any face-to-face friends who are bipolar. If THIS is what I'm missing out on, then THANK GOD.

I could have gone on and missed out on THIS TOO.

I wish she NEVER would have told me she was bipolar. Am *I* this annoying, too? I wonder if I'm more annoyed with her now that I know she's bipolar than I was before I knew. I'm making all of these mental comparisons between herself and I, and making sure I'm NOTHING like her. If she's talking to someone, I completely ignore whoever she's talking to - it's that bad. I'm not PUNISHING someone for talking to her, I just don't want anything to do with her. Yet...I'm NICE to her. Why?

Why am I fake back to her? I guess it's called being polite and keeping peace in the office. I have nothing against her - I mean, she hasn't really done anything OUTRIGHT mean or rude to me...I just feel like...she's constantly competing against me or something. For approval. See what I mean? It's the traits in myself that I hate that I see in her magnified 1000 times. How in the world am I supposed to LIKE watching and hearing that all day long?

I think I'm just bitchy and depressed today. I really can't stand her, though.

I'm just....BOTHERED!!!!! By everything, and she's the target!!!

**9:16p UPDATE - Maybe it's not Bipolar Eating Girl. Maybe this is the Abilify talking? My doctor said I'd feel a "restlessness" - maybe for me, I just feel more "bothered" instead? This isn't at all LIKE me?
Wednesday, October 04, 2006

She Came Out!

So today, I was just sitting there, working, and I was having a brief discussion with "Eating Girl". I have to keep them brief, otherwise, she won't stop or shut up. We were talking about weight gain, and I remember her saying she once weighed 40 pounds more than she does now. She's very thin, even though she always eats. She doesn't eat healthy either - it's mostly candy and salty stuff ALL DAY LONG. Seriously. Anything that can be dribbled from her hand with her neck perched up in the air. WHILE she's talking to someone on the phone! And yes, I can hear her chewing while she's talking! She even slurps her non-diet soda while talking on the phone!

So I asked her...how did you lose all of that weight? She told me she had gained it from a medication she was taking. She then said she was bipolar. Yeah, I know. A bipolar "came out" to a bipolar. What's even stranger is that she is bipolar, yet she annoys the hell out of me? I had to think about this later, but anyway... I asked her what medication it was, and she said Depakote. I just said "Oh, yeah...I've heard of that. What do you take now?" and she said "Lamictal". I tried to act a little innocent but knowledgeable at the same time and said "that's used for epilepsy too, right?" and she said yes. She started talking about how she talked all the time and her manic features (she really does have them - and I was right, I think she's an undiagnosed ADHD bipolar), and I said "with the disease, don't you get depressed, too?". We were speaking in hushed tones, which is weird for her. She's usually incredibly loud. I told her I couldn't imagine her depressed, she's always so "up". She said she gets really quiet, so if she ever came to work and didn't say much, that was why. That would be SO noticeable. It would be like having a bee glued to your ear constantly buzzing all the time, and then it being gone. You would notice it.

So here I am slamming a fellow bipolar. But you have to understand - I didn't *know* she was bipolar - and she's annoyed me for months! I've written whole posts about her, and people have commented that I should be NICE to her! (Maybe they recognized it in her when I didn't?)

Now I have some empathy for her. I feel like sticking up for her when my boss is rude to her, and he is to her more than anyone because she's always distracted and distracting other people around her.

Why did she decide to tell me? I don't know. She didn't say it in her normal loud voice. And...I didn't "come out" back to her. I didn't want anyone in the office to know about me, and I know she would tell at least one person, who would tell another, etc. Me? I won't tell a soul at work that she's bipolar. I'll treat it exactly the way I would want someone to treat it if it were my news, even though she didn't say not to tell.

Why didn't I tell her? Because I have this belief that unless there is something to be GAINED from telling someone you are bipolar, there is no reason to do it. In this case, I had nothing to gain. I can be a friend to her and be the most supporting person for her illness that she's ever known and she'll have no idea why I'm so understanding, but by my telling her in return today, what would be the reason? Tell just to tell? To "bond"? To make her feel not so alone? She didn't act like she felt all alone or tortured with the thought. She just told me why she took the medication that made her gain weight. And I don't want to form this "bipolar friendship" at work where everyone thinks we're the bipolar girls. She's loud and open enough to tell a few people. I don't trust her to keep a secret. I already did that once, and it blew up in my face. She apologized, but luckily it won't be THIS secret.

Now I'm thinking back to the things about her that really annoy me, and I see that maybe they are traits that *I* have that I hate in myself and have fought to change. She has this intense desire for everyone to like her, and will compliment people's clothes, hair, anything all day long. She stops what she's doing to say hello when people walk by and ask how they're doing, and she always wants to PLEASE people. And she's so damn LOUD. And she talks and eats ALL THE TIME. I've changed those things about myself. I don't try so much to get people to like me. I'm polite, I wouldn't understand it if they did NOT like me, but I wouldn't go out of my way to make them change their mind. Because of Adderall, I concentrate very hard at work, and don't pay attention to when people walk by me. When I'm working, I'm working. That's what annoys me - she breaks my concentration. And her obnoxiousness.

Am I looking into a mirror? All bipolars are different, right? *I* am not like *her*, right? She constantly puts on makeup all day, just all kinds of things about her annoy me, and I DON'T KNOW WHY!

Shouldn't we bond or something? Shouldn't we have figured this out about each other before now? We both take Lamictal, we're both on the same hormonal cycle now (isn't that weird?), and...it's just weird that a bipolar came out to me today, is all.

I tell NO ONE, so it's so shocking to me. It's my deep dark secret, and she just laid it out just like that.

But we ARE different - completely. I can tell she's more of a "manic" bipolar, where I'm a "depressive" bipolar. It's so obvious to me. I'm very sensitive, and she doesn't seem to be.

It feels good to not feel so alone now...it's too bad I can't tell her that we share the same disease. It would be nice to have someone to talk to, but not at the expense I'd be paying.

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