Thursday, November 30, 2006

Why am I staying home?

Here I am, sitting here bored as hell after calling in sick to work. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I got up in time, then fell asleep on the couch and woke up with very little time to get ready and make it on time. I *could* have rushed an been a bit late, but I didn't. We had a meeting that started at 8:00 on the dot. I called in and said I was sick. The sad thing is, I did it yesterday too, only...I went in to work and was there by 9:30a. Same situation. What is wrong with me? Normal people don't do this. Is it my Seroquel? Yes, I could go in to work - it's not even 10:00a, and God knows I have plenty of work to do, but I just can't face my jackass boss.

And he really is a jackass. I'm tired of how he treats me, and maybe he was just mad at me yesterday for coming in late, and then I left right at 5:00p instead of staying late at all. I already put in my 2 7:00p days, so he couldn't say anything. He's just RUDE. I should have done this, I should have done that. I should have said this, I should have said that. He should go to hell, that's what he should do. The thing is, I think he means well - he is trying to train me to be better, it just comes across badly. But meaning well and actually DOING something are two different things, and I'm tired of explaining him away as "meaning well". Meaning well isn't good enough anymore.

I've decided...I DO want to move to Minnesota. I even applied for a job there because I am very worried I won't be able to find a job, and they wanted me to send a Word copy of my resume! It is for a Recruiter's position, even! That's why I applied for it - I thought "how often are there going to be Recruiter's positions available in this town of 80,000 people?". The more I study the town, the more beautiful I see that it is. And living in a smaller town...that would be so nice. EXCEPT. No shopping? No malls? No good place for me to get my hair done? What about a psychiatrist? And where the HELL am I going to work? It's no longer "where am I going to be a Recruiter", but "when will a Recruiter position ever open up?". This particular position wants an MBA and 2 years experience! Are you frickin kidding me? Sometimes my Big-5 experience trumps the degree portion.

I wonder if I want to move so I can quit my job because I hate it. At other times, I wonder if I will find a job that I like as much as I like my job now. It's so confusing.

I've (and Mark has agreed) decided it's time for me to get a new (used) car. I've decided on a used Mercedes AMG or a BMW CI (I think it's a CI). I'm trying to lease one, but I may have to buy one if my credit isn't good enough. I haven't been able to get one at ALL because Mark and I have been at our jobs less than 6 months, plus, my credit isn't stellar. I applied for a car loan the other day, and BOOM, all of these places want to lend me money, so I called a leasing company instead. I wonder how hard it will be to lease a car? I have a feeling I'm on a "second chance" loan basis. But...if a Mercedes dealership called me after running my credit and asked me if I wanted a new or used Mercedes, could it really be that bad? I know, I shouldn't speculate.

Mark is NOW worried he won't get the job in Minnesota, or they'll offer him something he'll have to turn down. I told him if God wanted him to be there, then we will be, right? If not, then...we won't.

I'm going to call in to work on Sat. or Sun. to my boss's voicemail and tell him I have to go to Kansas due to illness in the family so I can go to Minnesota. After being out part of yesterday and now today, he probably won't be too happy.

Fine, he can let me go, then. But I know he won't. Well, he might.
Saturday, November 25, 2006

Thanksgiving Dinner



Well, I made it through ANOTHER Thanksgiving dinner.

This picture describes more than I ever could in words how I FEEL.

We went to Mark's parents house, and I told him I was freaking out about having to eat all of this food. I told him I was just going to get a little bit of everything, and then start putting it all on his plate. He said okay.

I did eat most of everything, but then started putting things on his plate - the first thing I don't remember, but the next thing was my croissant roll. His brother caught on and said he figured out what I was doing, so I put a piece of celery on his plate and a cherry tomato in my mouth and said I was trying to get him to eat healthy. With that, Mark took a bite out of his celery, which he HATES.

His sister commented how good I looked and how much weight I lost. His mother AGAIN commented on how much weight I've lost, and AGAIN asked how I was doing it. I just said "changing my lifestyle habits", which isn't a lie. She said "Can I ask...how much weight HAVE you lost now?". I told her 50 pounds. She told me she didn't think I'd had 50 pounds to lose. Well duh, obviously...I'm not UNDERweight and I've lost 50 pounds, so I had it to lose, but I know she's just being nice, or...not?

It's strange getting compliments about how you look good because you've lost weight. You think "So you thought I looked FAT before and looked awful because of it? It was a mental note you made to yourself - that I was FAT?". On the other hand, I keep thinking of what Lindsay Lohan (God help the hits on my website now) said about when she lost weight. She got compliments about how she looked good, so she thought "if I look good now, then if I take off more weight, I'll look even better". Yes, that's exactly right. But in MY case, it's really true. In HER case, she took it to the extreme. She just articulated it very well. Maybe Lindsay Lohan heard that from someone else and just repeated it. ;)

After COMPLAINING about the yelling, screaming kids at Mark's parents house, I walked in the door, and the kids just pounced on me, begging me to play with them. I don't think they even said hello to Mark. They all grabbed my hands, pulling me this way and that. I had fun with the kids, with the parents and grandparents keep asking me "are you sure you want to do that?". Sure...it's better than sitting there being bored. Then I held one of the twins who are about 2-3 months old. She was SO tiny and precious. Neither baby cried the whole time I was there - about 5-6 hours. They were so good.

Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have any children of my own. I'd love a little baby and child to spoil, and yes, I would spoil them, but teach them values too, blah blah, I'm sure every parent has all of these grand plans for how they would raise their child. Mark's parents just kept watching me and I knew what they were thinking..."when are you going to have a grandbaby....". I said out loud "I think a marriage needs to come first" :-)

They tried to talk Mark into getting a new dog, and told me I just needed to DO IT and stop waiting for Mark to decide it was the "right time" because he never would. I think it's what I want for Christmas. It's what I want ANYWAY, and Christmas is just a good excuse. I want a little Maltese.

Today really fed on my eating issue...big time. I knew it would. People who haven't seen me in about a year seeing me weigh so much less, I knew it would be mentioned. The thing is...when will I know enough is enough? Of course, tomorrow I could "fall off the wagon" and say forget dieting, I'm done. But this really is a lifestyle change. After 2 years, I don't see that happening.

I ordered more diet pills today - I don't think they lasted the full 90 days, so I tried to find a new company. It's getting harder and harder to find an online pharmacy.

Mark has a real sour puss look on life right now. I don't dare try and talk him out of it. Maybe the trip to MN will help him come out of it...I hope.

Decorations!






There's a "before" and "after" of the stairway decorated - it's hard to take pictures in the entryway for some reason. The lighting is weird. The company that does our lawn is coming Monday to put up our Christmas lights on the outside of the house on Monday while we're at work! I'm so excited!!!! :-) It will be the first time since we've lived here (3.5 years) that we've had Christmas lights on the house. Mark is afraid of heights, and well, you would just have to see the front. I'll take a "before" and "after" again. I think it will be very plain. We'll see.

I'm about to start getting ready to go over to Mark's family's house for their own Thanksgiving get-together. Some of them haven't seen me since last holiday season, and I've probably dropped 20 pounds since then? Maybe 15 - I don't know, but when you start weighing less, the more dramatic weight loss seems, you know? I can't decide what to wear. I know that I will try not to eat very much, but then they'll think that I starve myself or something, so maybe I should eat a whole plate and then just feel horrible about myself later.

I HATE the whole food issue thing around the holidays! It is simply a nightmare for me!
Friday, November 24, 2006

Whoa...Stop this Crazy Train...


I've been eating WAY TOO MUCH for the past almost week. I bet I've gained 10 pounds, and I'm not getting on the scale to check. I will never be thin at this rate!! It started when I made peanut butter chocolate balls last weekend, and I finally got a handle on it today. It took a whole pot of coffee and two diet pills though, but I've had one meal (not a good one - it was turkey, with some mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy, so I really can't eat much for the rest of the day) today, and no snacking. I may make another pot of coffee to cut my appetite AGAIN. Once I stretch my stomach out, it THINKS it has to eat. I have to fight it off to get it back down to where it was, and it's not easy. I know this sounds stupid, but it's okay for me to feel like I have to eat first thing in the morning, but that is IT. The rest of the day, except before bed so I can sleep, I cannot get hungry or at least not eat. When I'm not working, it's hard, anyway.

Today has been a good day. I finished decorating the stairway and will post some pictures probably tomorrow. It doesn't look as pretty in a picture as it does if you're RIGHT THERE. It just feels so Christmas-y. :-)

I'm so excited to visit Minnesota, except I don't have a wardrobe for a climate like that. I have a full length wool coat that I wear with my dress clothes, and a jacket for casual wear, and besides that...just some sweaters, and two pairs of boots. No gloves, scarves, hats, anything. Why would I need it? It just barely dips below freezing a few times in the winter here. I know I'm a dork to think of "what am I going to WEAR?" on my trip, but I can't even BUY anything to wear here, because they simply don't SELL it. I like to be fashionable, but...I'll just have to wear my Texas-ware.

It's been a good Thanksgiving, but food has been a NIGHTMARE. WAY WORSE than I imagined it would be. I thought it would be no problem for me. I was WRONG.

Now I have to suffer because of it, and worry that my clothes won't fit, meaning...I have to eat that much LESS before Monday.
Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving

It's so nice just to sit here, making our Thanksgiving meal, relaxing. I love the holidays. :-) Mark is taking a shower, I'm doing the laundry, but we have his folks house to look forward to on Sunday. (I don't know if that's a joke or if I'm being serious!).

I sent an email (please don't ask me why, I have no idea...it's a mental issue I have) to my ex-boyfriend wishing his a Happy Thanksgiving, and of course, boom, he answered me right away. Maybe some time I'll start copy/pasting his memos. You would think I would learn to stop by now. I don't know if I just have to know what is going on in his life, or stay connected to him, or what the deal is, but it's been 10 years now, and we're STILL not seperated, if you know what I mean. We never have been. It's never "ended". It should have, but I've never had a relationship that "ended", and don't even know how that happens? That was okay until this last relationship when it SHOULD have.

Maybe the holidays is for reflecting back on the past, and I shouldn't worry about it at all...

In any rate, I have much to look forward to in the future. I now appreciate living in Texas, but if we move to MN, I'll be okay with that, too, I think. My job is going okay, my weight has stalled, but after the holidays, I'll kick my weight loss into gear, and until then, I'll work really hard at stabilizing it. Mark and I are getting along really well.

Things couldn't be better. Well, my boss could be, but that goes without saying..:-)
Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Alive

When I was 16, my mother was a drug addict and was divorcing my step dad, a drug addict too, and an alcoholic who abused me since I was 5 or 6. The only thing I had to hold on to through all of those years was that I was ALRIGHT and there was HOPE for me because my grandparents were who they were. They were successful. They were upstanding citizens in the community. They were intelligent, well educated, well mannered, respected, and I idolized them and loved them dearly, and received the same in return.

It was all I had to hold onto for so many years about my identity without losing it. It confirmed that yes, I was a good person with hope for my future, that I one day would be like them, and not my mother. That was my goal, to do what they asked, which my grandfather asked a lot from me for my own good such as taking Latin classes and journalism, or things he knew she wouldn't do, like taking care of material items that he had given her.

So...when I was 16, I found some forms or applications that were partially filled out. What they were, I don't recall. What I DO recall is this: Somewhere on the form, my mother had stated she was adopted. I couldn't believe it. If SHE was adopted, then that meant....her whole family wasn't really my family? I wasn't related to them biologically? There was nothing in them that was in me to keep me from turning into her?

I was devastated beyond belief. And today, I'm still devastated. Yet, where are the support groups for me? Who can relate? Who understands my grief and my sadness? People grow up and find out their PARENTS adopted them, but who gets upset about their grandparents? I feel there's nowhere I belong, no one can understand. This was my IDENTITY.

Why do you think they didn't tell me? This meant all of the aunts and the uncles and probably my cousins knew, yet no one told me. Here I was, all of those years, comparing myself physically to all of these people, when there was nothing to compare. I was looking for similarities, and thought they were there. The fact that the WHOLE SIDE of my mother's family was related to me was a lie. And I wanted to be like THEM so much more than I ever wanted to be like my mother, yet...that's all I was left.

I guess I'm the only person who is upset over this, because I've never heard or seen anyone else upset about it. I'm sure it's happened before, but I guess no one cared enough to be traumatized for a long period of time. I GUESS?

The thing is...my mother didn't even allow me my emotions. Her comment was "Oh, so you found out on those forms in the end table?", and I said "yes", and she just shrugged it off and walked away. I was so upset I didn't know what to do, so I went downstairs to my bedroom and cried for hours. I was mad, angry, sad, confused, embarrassed, and didn't know who I was. My identity, except for my mother and father's family, was gone. The one thing I strived for - to be like my grandparents - was gone. Sure, I could still strive for it, but the genetics weren't there any longer. I would move out on my own, definitely without her permission, within the next 3 or 4 months, and my grandmother would die before Christmas. It might have completely changed the course of my life, but in a good way in that I got away from her and her lifestyle.

I always think about this when I hear the song "Alive" by Pearl Jam. This ENTIRE story runs through my head during the first part and the ending of the song. It's so....me. Yes, it's the night before Thanksgiving, and I guess that's why I'm thinking about my family.



Son, she said, have I got a little story for you.
What you thought was your daddy was nothin' but a...
While you were sitting home alone at age 13...
Your real daddy was dying.
Sorry you didn't see him,
But I'm glad we talked...

Oh I'm still alive....

"Is something wrong?"
She said "of course there is
You're still alive" she said.
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question?
And if so,if so, who answers? who answers?
Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Update

I just did some research on jobs in this town in Minnesota and the weather and cost of living and other things and...well, I don't think I want to move to Minnesota. I'm going to wait until I get there to visit to make my decision - because you never know what something is like until you experience it. Either way, I'll let Mark make the decision if we're moving there or not because he's the one who is so unhappy. I can be happy anywhere, I *think*. I moved he with no family, no job, no ANYTHING, and that a long time ago.

It's just...should I just call in and tell my boss I'm taking 2 personal days on the Sunday I'm leaving for Minnesota? On his work voicemail? I really have no idea what to tell him.

Big Move?

Mark has been interviewing for 2 out of town jobs, and today, he got a call that one of them wants to fly him in for a face-to-face interview after 3 interviews that ran for HOURS apiece. As a recruiter, I would tell him not to "speculate", but they're making it kind of hard. They asked if I was coming along, and said they would set us up with their "real estate person" so we could check out the area for homes, etc - invited us to stay an extra day just for that. Oh yeah, they paid for my ticket, too. The Fortune 500 companies WE work with *never* do that. But...I keep TELLING him he does NOT have the job yet - they could be doing this to three different people, but he thinks I'm trying to spoil his good mood. Why would I do THAT? I'm afraid if he lets his "guard" down and has convinced himself he has the job, when he goes into the interview, he will be too "informal" and not make a good impression. It happens all the time.

If anything, what a fun trip we'll have in a few weeks! :-)

But...there are many things to consider.

The thing is...as much as I say I hate Texas and I want to move, I just bought ALL of these cute little sandals last summer, and shorts, and shirts, and just tons of summer things because it's hot here 8 months out of the year, and this job is in friggin' MINNESOTA! Yes, Minnesota. I have no idea how to live in a state like that. We're talking about just as far north as I am south, if not more north? I don't have a wardrobe - I'll have to buy all new clothes, slowly...once again.

I'll have to learn how to live like people in Minnesota live - how they talk, act, eat what they eat which I'm sure isn't Texas fajitas or Texas Mexican food ANYTHING, and become accustomed to it.

I won't have a job, although...I don't THINK I'll miss my job?

I'll miss my psychiatrist. And I won't have insurance...OMG. I just realized that. I'll have COBRA for several months, right?

We'll have to sell our house. Mark and I chose everything about our house together, and had it built from the ground up. It's so US. The warm yellows in the kitchen...the granite we chose - I frickin' LOVE that kitchen, even though I don't really cook. Will anyone buy it....ever? If so, for how much?

I don't really care about family. My family lives in Kansas. He's the one who has never lived 30-45 miles further away from his mom and dad.

The exciting part, if he does get the job, would be moving together and exploring a whole new...well, practically culture together. We'd be able to point out things that were different to us, figure out the whole "snow issue" together and be completely clueless about how to get out of our driveway when we're snowed in, who is supposed to shovel snow for us (can we pay to get it done?) or is there technology for us to discover that does all of this? You can't even buy an ICE SCRAPER here for your windshield! I found two one time, with dust all over them, and snatched them up, knowing you ALWAYS need an ice scraper in your car being from Kansas. I guess it's a crazy thought here, but we've both used ours in the past. (Maybe just once, but hey - those few bucks were worth it)

If he doesn't get the job, then...that's okay too, but not to him. If he turned down the job, then he would be okay with it. If he didn't get the job because he was rejected, I think he will be pretty upset. Maybe I'm way off on this, but he's hated his job for awhile now, and at least it gives him something to look forward to.

The thing is...I have NO CLUE what to tell my boss. We're supposed to leave on Sunday, December 3rd, and fly back on Tuesday. Why do I say I need those two days off from work? I think my boss overheard part of what I was saying, and I got up with my purse and went out to the hall and called Mark back on my cell. When I got back, he was in a really bad mood. You would just have to know him. I'm surprised if it affected him that way, but he really was like day and night. Obviously, something could have happened that made him mad, like me getting up during "productive hours" and making a personal phone call. He cheered up, and we ended up being the last people in the office after 7p tonight, just chatting. He is SO crazy and out of his mind, but down deep (like the Grinch and the heart scene) he has a good heart.

The house is a mess, Thanksgiving is in two days, the work potluck is tomorrow (I think work potluck's are kind of gross, but that's just me), and then Mark's parents are having their Thanksgiving on Sunday. I need to finish decorating the stairway (yay! I love that part) and doing the laundry. Wow, this is becoming my "to do" list.

It's weird to think that by 2007, I could be living in Minnesota. I just can't imagine that happening. It's too mind boggling to think about, obviously, from my post, so I think I'll just leave it at getting it all out of my head into my blog post, and forget about it for now.

Night, dear blog!
Sunday, November 19, 2006

Pets in New Orleans

I'm watching Comic Relief, where I was informed that 1,834 died in Hurricane Katrina.

What astounded me was this, and what I always swore to myself. Statistics have shown that 47% that died stayed because they didn't want to leave their family pet. Everyone was told they "can't take pets". Even seeing eye dogs for the blind weren't allowed to be rescued.

This broke my heart. The Louisiana Senate has a "pet evacuation bill" in the works, and and elderly couple testified that they had 2 dogs for 15 years that they refused to leave. They were told they could take their dogs with them, and when the dogs were brought out onto the porch, an officer took out his pistol and killed both of the dogs in front of them.

Katrina will go down in history as the "Greatest Pet Disaster this Country has Ever Seen". 50,000 animals were stranded, 12,000 were managed to be saved by pet rescuers.

I've always said, even knowing that Cody died 5 months after Katrina, I would not have left my dog to die. I would have stayed because, as I've said, many times, he would have never left me. I could have been one of the 47% that died because I stayed with my pet. If so...then...so be it. He was an immediate family member. You do NOT leave a member of your family. He was like my son.

I did okay today, but horrible with eating. I made chocolate peanut butter balls for our Thanksgiving potluck at work on Wednesday afternoon. It took me several hours, and my arms and fingers got tired of rolling the peanut butter in little balls and dipping them into chocolate. I think I made about 9 dozen? I ate some of the crunchy peanut butter mixture which is awesome! while I was making it, and then had two afterwards, and I felt sick. Next, Mark made sausage, cheese and crackers, and if I can fit into any of my clothes tomorrow, I will feel BLESSED. I would take a laxative, but really...what can a laxative do when it wasn't the AMOUNT of food I ate, but the calories? Other than that, I had an Egg McMuffin for breakfast, of course. I lost track of calories because I have no idea how to even count what I ate. Too damn much is all I know. I almost hate myself for what I ate, but proud that I didn't eat more chocolate peanut butter balls.

I went to the grocery store, cooked, took a shower (yay me!), picked up the kitchen...all on a SUNDAY, even! I did more things today than I normally do all weekend! I'm still going to attribute it to Abilify.

I'm noticing I don't really write about my bipolar symptoms anymore. I guess they're not really there? I suppose my biggest issue is my obsession with my weight. But I just can NOT slack off. I ate like a pig today, and I'm praying I can fit into my clothes tomorrow - how bad is that?? Perhaps I'll wear some old size 12 clothes that are baggy and doesn't show my figure AT ALL.

Oh yeah...on a bizarre note. I found someone related to me, I think. I've never researched my ancestors, but I think I found a relative of my grandfather's. I know NOTHING about his family. I found out a few things about his family, and am waiting for an email back from the girl's site that is searching for relatives. I was amazed at what she already knew. She didn't know about me or my grandfather's kids, and didn't know my grandmother's first name (but she knew the last!) nor that she has passed away, but even knowing as much as she did, how did she know that? Who the hell is she? She knew my Grandmother was from Bucklin, KS? And I found out my grandfather named my uncle after his father. There were things I NEVER KNEW. Very bizarre. My Grandfather told me NOTHING about his family. I just thought everyone was dead. Maybe his immediate family was and those were the only people he had ever been close to.

It's weird to think there are people out there that you are related to you, maybe have been searching for you, and you had no idea.

Well, to bed I go, and to hell I go tomorrow. Wish me luck! :-)
Saturday, November 18, 2006

Interesting Website

This is an interesting website. You load a facial picture of yourself, and it shows you your look-alikes. Now, these aren't dead-ringers for me. First of all, I have very blonde hair, light skin and light eyes. But...Mark and I agreed that the face shape, eye placement, nose, cheekbones, and mouths were all the same.

It's bizarre. I never dreamed I looked the most like Katie Holmes?

What's even more bizarre is when I put in a friend's picture, half of them came back as men! I just need to get a better picture of her.

I was half expecting, for myself, to flip out and see the old lady from Hee-Haw who wore the hat with the price tag on it show up as my look alike. I wouldn't have cried, but I think the whole thing is a bit hokey.

Who is your celebrity look-alike? PPLLLEEAAASSEEE do it and post a link in the comments section!!! :-) It shows who the top look alike is from the upper left to bottom right.

http://www.myheritage.com

Strange, strange, strange!

First of all, the guy that I sent to an interview who showed up DRUNK (I wrote an entire post about it here - very dramatic story OMG (Drunk Interview) ), sent me a FedEx PACKAGE to work! In it were some very expensive chocolates and a card, talking about how wonderful I was and how he owes me a lunch (he lives lives in VA, I live in TX, and he plans on coming here just for that reason) and a card. When he asked earlier if he could send me something, I just said sure - I'd like a Christmas card. I thought that was innocent enough, right? The guys that are closest to me refused to eat any of the chocolates (I wouldn't eat any, either, but it was because they were chocolates and I don't eat during the day) because they were afraid something was put into them. When the guy called me on the day after his interview and I told him he didn't get the job and he started telling me he was going to MOVE to my city for tax reasons (but why MY city), there was only one other person in the office. I was freaked out and told him, and he freaked out, too. So he just HAD to tell everyone the story, and then my chocolates were then called the "poison chocolates", but everyone except the three guys in my "room" ate them. Mark said it was just because they didn't want any, and they were giving me a hard time about it. I don't know if that's true or not. He wasn't there. I have to admit, it's pretty creepy, and now I don't know what to do. I asked the guys if I should send a thank you email, and one guy said no way - cut off all contact now. I think the key is not to meet with him ever, not to flirt with him, and continue my professional attitude towards him. Right?

I found out Eating Girl's parents are both dead. I have no idea how they died, and she didn't tell me, one of the guys did. I told Mark this, and I always do this. I build up this "character" of someone to where it's overblown and he thinks the worst. The first thing out of his mouth was "Did she kill them? Maybe she was manic at the time?". Well...my first inclination would be to say "no, of course not", but...how do I know? There's always been SOMETHING about her that I felt she was hiding. Something BIG. Something that has made me not trust her, and I don't know why. Now, I don't think she killed her parents, but....if she had, I wouldn't be shocked. I know, what a terrible thing to think of someone, and to be honest, it had crossed my mind before Mark even said it, but I first thought of a car accident, poor health, or mental illness. If I didn't have this FEELING about her and hadn't been writing about her on every post, I wouldn't even question it. If I found out she really did, I would never second guess my intuition again. Not that she would ever tell anyone. I wonder why she told me she is bipolar, but no one else, yet she didn't tell me her parents died? What's even stranger is this: she's not going to her awful boyfriend's house with him for Thanksgiving, so I wonder who she's spending Thanksgiving with? I've thought about asking her over to my house with just Mark and I spending Thanksgiving together. However - she has close friends. I'm sure she's spending Thanksgiving with them. I probably shouldn't bother because of the way I feel about her.

Mark asked me why I had turned off the documentary called "Thin". He wasn't watching it - he was playing a computer game - but he's always half paying attention to whatever else is going on. When I told him it was because it upset me that one girl was able to stay at or under 200 calories when my goal was to stay under 900, I think it was the first time he got really worried. See...I've told him things before, and he just blew them off. He's covered for me for not eating to his family, told me I didn't have an eating disorder, etc., so I thought I could be honest with him. I can't. He lectured me, and said did I not understand these girls are in a treatment center because they are very sick and dying from their disease, and I'm trying to be like them? Of course I know this - they have just made the conscience decision to be thin at all costs, even dying. Now all of a sudden he's paying attention to what I eat. We went to dinner, and he commented I didn't eat very much, and I used my old excuse "I ate a lot - you just can't tell because I got so much food". I was sick again yesterday (I have no idea why I always get sick on Thursdays and Fridays) and mentioned to him that maybe it was the way I ate, and he said "or lack of it, have you thought about that?". Now WHY all of a sudden is he concerned, after all of this time? I thought I could be honest with him. Now I'm going to have to keep things a secret from HIM as well, and it's not so easy to hide things from him, of all people. I'll just make sure I eat in front of him. Yes, I know it's possible I have an eating disorder, but I think once I get to my goal weight of 115, I'll be fine. Things are a bit extreme right now, but it will be over soon enough. If I can't be honest in my blog, I don't know where else to put my thoughts? I don't want to NOT record something because of what people will think of me. I've tried that before, and started keeping my blog private because of it.

I went to the Gap and wanted some skinny jeans, but they didn't have 6 long, so the saleslady talked me into trying 4 long. You know how the Gap works - they are going to talk you into anything. There was like 1% spandex in them, they fit decently, a bit tight like they are supposed to, so I bought them. I'm glad I did, they are actually very comfortable and I like the tight legs. I went to another store and it was out of control! The sales woman kept bringing in clothes - at one point, I know I had at least $3,000 worth of clothes and shoes in my room. I didn't like hardly anything she was picking out, and then I felt obligated to buy something. I bought two overpriced tank tops and a blouse. She pushed me to buy the skinny jeans that were $150, but I had just BOUGHT a new pair of jeans, and there was nothing wrong with the jeans I had that were half the price. I'll NEVER go to that store again, unless I'm wearing old sweat pants with a t-shirt, dirty Keds, my hair in a pony tail, and my ancient coke bottle glasses. No one will help me then, I bet. I'll be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman where they practically ask her to leave.

Today I'm decorating the stairs with garland and clear Christmas lights - I'll take a picture and put it up. And a week from Monday, they're coming to put lights on the house! I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! :-) I'll take pictures of that, too!!!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Horrible Day

I know people have bad days, but MY GOD. I KNOW it could have been worse...death in the immediate family that traumatized me for the rest of my life, but still, it was a bad day.

At work, one of my candidates was offered a position, and he rejected it. Another asked to reschedule his interview. A third I can't get ahold of to tell him the company wants to interview him. A fourth who was flown down to Dallas for an interview didn't get the job, and now I have to tell her.

That's NOTHING.

I went to pick up older woman to take her to work because her car is in the shop, and took Mark's car. He drives a stick, and I can't see out of the back windows! I got lost getting there, and it was hard driving to work!

Then I had a hair appointment at 6:30, I left at 5:30, and made it at 7:00. Why? I got lost, I hit a car (yes, I hit a car), I sat on the phone with the receptionist for 30 minutes trying to coach me into the parking garage, I drove with my lights off before AND after my appointment...what else. I drove the wrong way down one way streets numerous times and it's scary seeing cars coming right at you when you have no place to go, and they're honking like mad.

My boss treated "his team" like shit.

I just don't have the energy to go on, and it's 11p. I normally go to be around 9:30 - 10:00, and I JUST took my medicine. Can you believe I left the salon around 10:00p? That's one thing I would miss about living in a big city - hours to accommodate my busy life. Well, I really should get my hair done on Saturdays because I do NOTHING.

Oh yeah - I found out ANOTHER reason why people go to my gym. To NETWORK. I was minding my own business fixing my hair after working out, and this lady who always works out around the same time I do came up and asked me my name, and I told her. I always thought she was very friendly enough, but she looks a lot like my trainer, so I always assumed it WAS my trainer. Stupid me, my trainer always says "Hello, KansasSunflower!". So I didn't ask her what her name was, but she told me. She then gave me her card as she has her own housecleaning business, and I, stupid me, divulged that we were getting ready to get rid of our current housekeepers, which is true. They can't even pick up a pair of shoes in the bathroom and put them in the closet, and will, instead, sweep and mop AROUND them? Stupid stuff like that. So now she's expecting a call from me and is going to tell one of her "girls" that lives about 10-15 minutes away that she'll be cleaning our house. I got to thinking about how weird that was. Someone at the gym I work out at will have seen my messy house.

The WORST part, to me, about having your house cleaned on a regular basis is...you're going to forget to put your medicine up eventually. I have all of these empty prescription bottles turned over on the kitchen cabinet, and of course the housekeepers have seen them. I don't know why I still have them - laziness, I guess. I also have a bipolar book out in plain view. There are just things I'd rather strangers know about me than someone I have to see everyday, you know?

What a horrible, horrible day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I WOULD say "tomorrow can only look up", but I know that's not true. Tomorrow COULD possibly be worse.

I think I have a decent attitude about it though. I just want the day to END.

Thin

It's 2:30am and I can't sleep! I hate this!!!

I started to watch a documentary on HBO tonight called "Thin". I was going to make myself watch it no matter what. It's about girls in a treatment facility for eating disorders, and following a couple of girls around during their "journeys". It did show horrible things about these girls physically that they had done as a side effect to themselves by not eating. I thought it would get me over this constant calorie counting in my head and eating only certain foods at certain times, and freaking out if I ate outside of the norm. Only...it had the opposite effect on me. What one girl said was so true. She said that she decided the ONE THING she wanted more than anything was to be thin, and if it meant dying to try to get there, then so be it. Okay, I don't want to DIE to be thin, but it's the one thing I've decided I'm going to be, no matter what. I found myself watching to learn tricks from them instead. I finally turned it off when I saw a girl's calorie count of 200 calories. I thought...200? And I try to keep mine less than 900! How am I ever going to lose weight? And...they looked okay to me. Many did not look too thin, but I guess you don't have to be too thin to have an eating disorder. I should probably tell my doctor that something *might* be up, but I'm afraid that I'm probably okay, just obsessive, and I don't want to alert him to a problem that's not really there. Besides, I'm in no danger of harming myself - I'm still DEFINITELY a healthy weight. One girl lost 100 pounds in a year. I lost 50 in 18 months. That's a HUGE difference. What if I did have an eating disorder (and I don't think I have one yet) - what would I do? I already take a ton of medication, and if I went to a therapist, I'd have to want to change, so...? I couldn't relinquish control that easily - that's why I don't tell and even ASK if my doctor *thinks* I might. Because he might get concerned that I'm concerned. If I say I might have an eating disorder, I'm not sure, he'll perk his ears right up and God only knows what he'll do. I'd rather not find out.

I'm slowly figuring Eating Girl out. The things that have always bothered me, I'm slowly putting together in my head. Today she told me that her boyfriend was supposed to be home last night at 7:30p, but didn't get home until 12:30 when he was very drunk, and didn't call her, either. I thought.."how do you put up with all of his crap? why don't you just move out?", and then I remembered, again, about how excited she was to move out, and how she was trying to get her credit "scrubbed". She divulged that she was bipolar, and I overheard her telling my boss that she was "working" on getting her paycheck direct deposited. That can only mean one thing - she can't get a checking account. If she can't get a checking account, I doubt she could get approved to get an apartment. That all goes hand in hand with being bipolar - getting manic and spending money you don't have at some point. I'm assuming a lot on this one because I REALLY want to understand her and like her and not be disturbed by her every day, and today, it worked to a huge extent. My boss can be so mean to her, though. She should have stood up for herself when Older Woman and I did that day and he asked her if she had anything to talk to him about and we said we did, but she avoided it. I hate confrontation at work worse than anything, but sometimes it's necessary. I guess she's not to that point yet which....is okay. I just wish she didn't have to be punished for it.

I don't have any songs going through my head over and over like I normally do, no moodiness anymore now that my Abilify dosage has evened out, and am generally in a good mood. Just like I'm more able to tolerate Eating Girl, I'm more able to tolerate a lot of things. I HAVE been playing the Sims "Pets" obsessively, but that's not new. I've always been a Sims PC game fan.

I guess I'll try and go back to bed now, but I'm not tired!!!
Sunday, November 12, 2006

Why Do I Eat So Much?

I think I'm doing much better on Abilify. 15mg, now that I've worked up to it and the semi-manic rage is over, I feel pretty good. Even my sex drive is up.

The only thing left to work on is my eating issue. I didn't take any diet pills today, ate more than I normally do, and just took a laxative because my stomach hurt. I don't know why EAT SO MUCH on the weekends compared to the weekdays! I work so hard, not eating during the day all day during the week - just an Egg McMuffin (300 calories) for breakfast, or a Protein Bar (300 calories), and then a Lean Cuisine for dinner (about 280 calories). Then weekends come around, and I don't know what happens! I probably eat like a "normal person", but my body isn't used to eating like that anymore! It physically hurts, and it makes me want to do things I shouldn't do. I just took a laxative, after weighing the pros and cons. It was almost like putting my mind at ease is what I finally decided. I could take it, and my mind would stop worrying about all of it.

Will I be able to lose the last 10-15 pounds? Will I ever feel like I can eat normally again and stay thin? Will I EVER feel thin? Will I always be fat? I buy clothes that in my head tells me they are small, but when I look in the mirror at my naked body, it looks so...ugly. I think of all the surgery I'd LOVE to have. I hate trying on clothes that are too small. Like...why does a 6 or 7 fit, but not a 5? I feel so FAT when the 5 is too small. It makes me feel like a failure, like a big fat cow. I see all the fat that keeps the 5 from fitting in the dressing room, and it disgusts me.

Yes, I'm feeling better on Abilify, but my body disgusts me. There's no medication for that.
Saturday, November 11, 2006

Eating Girl (I know! Again?)

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just let this go?

I've decided "Bipolar Girl" is not a good name for the girl I've been calling "Bipolar Girl". I'll just call her "Eating Girl". Yes, she's bipolar, but I no longer think what drives me crazy about her are traits that are bipolar. It's simply her personality. Now...where bipolar ends and your personality begins, I don't know, but does it matter?

She's really nice - but there's just something about her. I've never felt this way about someone in my entire life. Maybe that's why I keep writing about her - I can't figure it out. It seems like she is so fake and I don't even know who she is and she is hiding something huge, yet all I see is this facade she puts on for work every day. There's a bigger reason all of these tiny things bother me, only I can't put my finger on it. I used to think it was her bipolar traits, but no, that's not it. The way you put down a can of soda has nothing to do with being bipolar. I already know, from instinct, that I can't trust her. What is it? What is she hiding? What has she done? I know this sounds TOTALLY CRAZY and probably like I'm paranoid, but I'm not scared. I just really want to know. What the hell IS IT that she's hiding? I'm afraid to *really* get to know her and find out something I don't want to know, or even...put my life in danger? I feel that strongly about it. Everything within me says "Don't trust her!". Mark said I always have to be obsessing about someone, but...I'm usually competing against someone over something, never anything like this. He said this is a first.

If I'm being delusional, how do I know? And...why is it only her that I have issues with for the past few months, and nothing or no one else in my life? Am I actually competing with her and I just don't realize it or am hiding it from myself?

I'm overanalyzing this, aren't I...maybe I took my Abilify twice today, and maybe I've been watching "Forensic Files" too often on Court TV, even though I've seen every episode about 5 times. I want to explain all of this away, but I don't know how. I know she irritates my boss, too, which isn't saying much, but it is saying...I'm not alone in how I feel.
Friday, November 10, 2006

ABILIFY!

Oh my, what Abilify makes me do!

I swear this is not in my personality, and I noticed this last time I started taking Abilify and increasing the dosage. (I only stopped because of my insurance) What comes out of my mouth and what I do shocks me, and I don't realize what I've done until after I've done it!

My boss, unfortunately, is very political. And, even more unfortunate, is as far right as you can imagine. He was talking and talking today, and I was being very good, not saying anything, not offering an opinion, just working. He was even asking people in the room "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?". Now, at that point, I told him "You can't ask people that!". He said "Why not?". Someone said "I think it's illegal". He said it wasn't. My God, we're a recruiting firm. You would think WE would know what is legal and what is not to ask on the job.

He then said the university in Austin was the most liberal in the whole country, and everyone there all did drugs and drank because they were Democrats. I'd been SO GOOD until this point. I wasn't even THINKING. I said "Just because someone is a Democrat doesn't mean they drink or do drugs?" and he said yes, it did, they were "into all of that" - meaning, they had no morals and nothing to stop them from doing whatever they felt like.

So, STUPID ME, I said "Just like Republicans MOLEST CHILDREN?". I mean, come on. That comment was just a little over the top, don't you think? And I said it with passion. He got a very shocked look on his face and turned a bit red, and said he had no idea what I was talking about, and his wife came out of her office to defend Republicans. I quickly apologized, said I wasn't a Republican or Democrat, and his wife said she understood what I meant. Do you KNOW what she thought I meant??? She thought I meant that Republicans proclaim they are moral and upstanding and then prove to be hypocrites, yet Democrats never claim that, so they can do whatever they want. Excuse me? I think if a Democrat was trying to molest young boys for decades, it would be in the newspapers and on television just like it is for a Republican.

But, I just left it alone. I have NO IDEA why I said that. It is so out of character for me to say that to MY BOSS. I mean, he could have fired me!

And then...I NEVER get "road rage". People ask me how that could be, and I really don't know. I make a game out of the whole thing in my mind. But today, this guy wouldn't let me into his lane, and it PISSED ME OFF. I got in behind him, and then got to the lane next to his, zoomed next to him, flipped him off, and then turned off on my exit. That is SO NOT ME. And I was STILL PISSED. Flipping him off did nothing to ease my anger. I wanted to go back and do it again and make sure he saw me. I'm telling you...this is NOT ME.

I've already warned Mark - I thought it was the best thing to do so when I get strange on him, at least he'll know what's up. This didn't last long last time. Just until I got to a dosage and stuck with it for about 5 days - then I was great. Until then...it was a rollercoaster.

I feel horrible - the ladies that work at Ann Taylor Loft recognize me now and say "I helped you pick out the sweater you're wearing, didn't I?" - it's so embarrassing. I went there again today because I worked too far into lunch that I didn't have time to go to the gym, and found the cutest grey pants, black cropped pants with buttons on the sides, and black flats - all on sale. I got a great deal. Slowly but surely I'm working my wardrobe back up to my size of clothes, but it's taking awhile. I wear a lot of stuff over and over. I never wear the same thing two weeks in a row. I'd like for it to be three, but I just don't have enough clothes. I mix and match, so I guess I could go longer. Mark loves the way I dress now - he's so sweet to say so.

Bipolar Girl at work has about had it, I think. She's now answering the phone as if she's the receptionist. Excuse me? Isn't time money? What is she doing wasting her time answering the phones? I give out my direct line - I couldn't be TOLD to answer that phone that wasn't for me and transfer phone calls all over the office. I'm not paid to be the receptionist. If I was, that is what I'd be doing. But I'm trying to fill jobs with people who need or want jobs, not answer the phones, and it would take away my time that is money to me. Why doesn't she see it that way? It's like she doesn't get the "business" end of this. It's a paycheck to her, and however she spends her time during the day, she doesn't care. But I've already gone on and on and on in my blog about her. And yes, she still eats CONSTANTLY. And apparently she had a "money emergency" today where she couldn't even wait until after lunch to get her paycheck. My boss said "why don't you get it direct deposited?" because Mark said my checks are in our account when he gets up in the mornings on Fridays, and she said "I'm working on it". What does that mean? Does she have such bad credit that she can't get a checking account? Hey - I've been turned down for a checking account once before, but I got one at another bank. Why would she be "working on it", when it's clearly not because she just hasn't turned the paperwork in? She drives me INSANE. Someone commented that I look at her as bipolar and I compare myself to her. Yes, that's exactly it. I do. And I don't want to be one iota like her, and I'd better never be, either.

I guess it's time for bed. It's after 11, over an hour past my bedtime, and I try to keep the same sleep/wake cycle for my disease. It really does keep me in check and help so much since I learned how important it is.

Weighed

Well, I "officially" weighed this morning, and I weigh 126 pounds, with 31% body fat. I know my scale is WAY HIGH on body fat %, but at least it's a good way to track if I've lost any, and I think I've lost 1%. That means I've lost 9 pounds since I weighed last month. To be fair, I had just pigged out all weekend long when I weighed myself last weekend. Still...I remember thinking even if I hadn't, it would still be around 130.

Because I had lost a few pounds, I went to Urban Outfitters to buy a new pair of jeans, and wanted to try the "skinny jeans" - they're so cute! I wear a size 6, I'd lost a few pounds, so I grabbed a couple of size 5's, and headed to the dressing room. OH MY GOSH! I could hardly get them on - I don't think I could! There wasn't enough "jeans" to cover me! I left that day feeling very depressed. At least yesterday I wore a pair of new pants I bought and people commented how long my legs looked. I hate my legs, though. They look like chopsticks. :(

I made an appt to get my hair highlighted and cut, and my colorist was already gone! He had just started the last time I went in! I asked what happened, and they told me he had "personal problems". What does that mean? I mean, I know what that MEANS, but what really happened? Did he get fired? And if so, why? He was awesome.

The girl's locker room is getting easier to get undressed/dressed. I don't worry so much if people see me naked - really, without a bra. I still can't believe girls just walk around naked. I saw a woman in the spa yesterday - NAKED! Obviously you don't want to stare, but you catch a glimpse at that, and you can't stop yourself from taking a double take. She was thin, but she didn't have this wonderful body or anything, and she was older. I wish I had that kind of confidence, but there is no way I would have gotten into the spa after or with her.

Today's another day with my boss and Bipolar Girl. I hope I have more patience today. Patience with her eating and the interaction between them both.

Today is Day #1 of Abilify at 15mg. We'll see how it goes...I'll probably turn into a raving bitch like I do whenever I increase my Abilify (why is that?), but hopefully, Mark won't break up with me - seriously!
Thursday, November 09, 2006

These are the Days..

Well, obviously, I couldn't be more pleased with the elections. :-) The people have spoken. Not everyone agrees, as I know full well here in Texas, and there are some pretty upset people (and I have to hide my giddiness), but I never expected for the Democrats to #1 Take the Senate #2 Take the House #3 Donald Rumsfeld would "step down". Mark thinks the whole Rumsfeld thing was timing - it was to steal the headlines from the Democrats the next day. If so...it only worked for THAT DAY. The next day, the story was all about the Democrats having control of the Senate.

I got into an argument with my boss. So did "Older Woman". The three of us - Older Woman, Bipolar Girl, and myself got together, and decided we were going to sit down with my boss and talk to him about our issues with him. Older Woman sent him a memo and cc'd us, and boom, he grabbed her by herself and took her into a conference room. I let that go on for about 10 minutes, and then I got up, knocked on the door, no one answered, so I opened it and said "can I come in?" and my boss said no, I want to meet with each of you separately. So I left. He looked PISSED.

When he was done with Older Woman, I had just come back to my desk, and he asked if I wanted to talk. I said "sure". I told him my gripes - he is negative, he's moody and is cranky and difficult to work with. He agreed, and he talked in his salesman kind of way, and said a lot of really nice things about me, and that was about it. He talked for a good 20-30 minutes.

Then I got up and went to the gym.

He asked Bipolar Girl if she wanted to talk - twice, I think - and she kept putting it off. So now she's not going to do it, and I noticed he wasn't treating her very well. She needs to STAND UP FOR HERSELF, but she won't, and I don't know why. She's a "pleaser", and goshdarnit if she isn't eating MORE now. Except TODAY, she was emotionally eating soup (I have no idea how much food she brings with her every day to work) and he said "what is that SMELL?". She said "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just eating some soup...I'll go eat it in the break room" and got up really fast and walked off with her soup. He said "I'd rather you eat at your desk and keep working than eat in the break room" but she didn't pay attention and came back about a minute later, wiping her mouth. She then kept eating candy out of this candy dish the rest of the day. I am NOT KIDDING when I say she eats all day. But NOW I can pretty much predict when she's going to "pig out". When she doesn't "please" my boss, she starts pigging out. This can be several times during the day that she tries to please him, if not more. And each time, it doesn't work because HE doesn't understand that's what she's doing and she's needing, either. You see, I sit BETWEEN them, so I see her have this great idea or hear her telling him something and see her excitement, get up and walk over to him, watch his reaction which is never what she wanted, and then predict she is going to find some food from SOMEWHERE, and start eating. It never fails. Many times every day.

It's driving me crazy. I want to say something to her - tell her to get a backbone. Older Woman thinks it's just a matter of time before she quits. I know this is strange, but I don't know if I want her to quit. But...maybe if she did, I would be more competitive. I wonder how long my boss will let this go on before he lets her go. She doesn't miss work a lot, so maybe as long as she's there working, he'll keep her. I would imagine she'll start making deals soon enough. You know, she could just be getting off to a slow start. I thought I got off to a slow start, too.

I'm going to make tomorrow, Friday, my official "weigh day". I know it won't be 125 like it was earlier in the month, but HOPEFULLY it will be less than 130. If it's 135, I will FREAK OUT.

AND. Tomorrow I'm going to start taking 15mg of Abilify again. THIS time I KNOW I ramped up the right way.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Worried

I got a horrible headache today, and when I told my boss I was going to go vote at work, I actually went home and sat under the face mister with eucalyptus oil for a sinus headache. I took out my contacts and put on my glasses, put my hair up, and went back to work. It was too bad, too, because I was wearing a cute new outfit. :(

I did go vote, but I made it to the polls at about 6:30p. I got out of there right at 7:00p!

I asked Bipolar Girl and Older Woman if they were going to vote today, and they just got really quiet. Why is it that some people act like politics is just "beyond them"? I swear ON MY LIFE that Bipolar Girl said this to me: "Well..uhhmm...I'm not going to vote today, but maybe later...". Not today, but maybe later? I just didn't have the energy or time to explain the whole voting process from beginning to end to her. Nor the desire.

I think the Abilify is affecting my concentration. I just don't seem to have the same confidence or *something* at work I once had. I used to think I could find all of these people for these jobs, now I can hardly find anyone. I don't know what is wrong, what I'm doing wrong, what has changed? Everyone else is performing the same, it's just me. The only thing I can think of that's changed is that Abilify has been added to "the mix". I don't know...what should I do? I'm kind of in a panic over it...I mean, I don't want to get fired over it! My boss thinks I'm the most focused and hard working person in the office. But...how long will that last? Not very long.

I have a "situation" with Mark's family. Mark's mother sent out an email to all of us asking us what we wanted for Christmas, which brings up a "hot topic" that I have.

Please don't think I'm selfish - I'm not. It's just...why don't they see what is happening? I feel taken advantage of. Here's what's happening.

We all used to buy presents for each other. Then Mark's brother and sister started having kids, and more kids. There are now 5 grandkids. How many kids do we have? Zero. And that's ok! Well, someone had the bright idea that Christmas is for kids and we should all just buy presents for the kids for the last few years. Uhmmm...ok. So, are you guessing what my issue is? I buy all of these damn presents for their kids that scream and yell and run around the house, and they get their money back in return for the gifts they buy each other, and Mark and I just buy kids presents without kids of our own. I KNOW that sounds so selfish, but you should just see it at Christmas. Parents playing with their kids with their new toys, and Mark and myself.

I must be the most selfish self-centered person there is. It's not about the money or the presents. It's about the thoughtfulness. It's about no one noticing that Mark and I don't have kids, and we're just BUYING stuff, and the people we're buying things for are giving us nothing in return. No one NOTICES or CARES. No, I don't want them to buy me a present I'll never use. It's the PRINCIPLE. Mark's parents will buy us presents, but they buy everyone presents - as they treat everyone equally.

It makes me not even want to go. I just seethe as I watch presents handed out to kids over and over and over. Yes, Christmas is for kids, but we don't buy inexpensive presents, and we barely get a "thank you". The parents don't even tell their kids to take care of whatever we bought them. Heck, they don't even tell the kids who the present is from, and most of the time, don't even tell them to go thank Uncle Mark and Aunt KansasSunflower (who picked out the presents to begin with).

Would it change if I had a baby? I don't know. Does it matter?

My Dad keeps emailing me to find out my prediction of tonight's election. Hell, I don't know. My prediction is that my headache won't go away.

My prediction is that I know not to get my hopes up and think the Democrats will win either house, because if I do, then they won't. If my expectations aren't set, then my hopes won't be devastated.

Ha! What kind of thinking is that??

Doesn't seem like the Abilify is working....does it?
Monday, November 06, 2006

'Twas the Night Before Elections...

Well, I found my voter registration card, figured out where my polling place is for tomorrow, and am planning on voting during lunch.

Mark has always asked me..."why are you so passionate about politics?" and tells me..."whoever wins elections really doesn't have the power to affect our lives anyway".

He couldn't be more wrong.

Why am I so passionate? A quick background story...

My husband (obviously, I was married at one time) and I worked for Lockheed Martin. Cheney was the Secretary of Defense appointed by George Bush Sr., and all at once, they decided to close Carswell Air Force Base and cancel a program at Lockheed Martin that cut over 3000 jobs. They were shrinking the military, which today, I'd be happy, but not back then. Among those 3,000 jobs were mine and my husband's. Yes, we BOTH got laid off and had no income from a two income home.

Why does that make me so passionate, though? Politicians lie all the time, right?

When George Bush Sr. was campaigning for the presidency against Michael Dukakis, he came to General Dynamics (this was before Lockheed bought it) and told us that if he were elected, he guaranteed us we would keep our jobs. BUT, if Michael Dukakis was elected, he promised we would lose them. I already told you what happened.

I felt like (and still do) I was lied to personally. General Dynamics had taken an F-16 and put George Bush's name on it and he sat in it, and then gave a big speech to all of us, and then....3,000 of us lost our jobs.

I was SO YOUNG. I was barely old enough to vote, and I don't think I even did. But I learned an important lesson. Don't miss your chance. The thing is...had I voted, BECAUSE of that promise he made to me, I bet I would have voted for Bush.

So YES, it's DAMN important that you go vote. Sure, my case may be extreme because you can actually see what was said and how it would have affected me psychologically.

But who is elected DIRECTLY affects your life - your future. People who don't vote...I don't understand them. They don't care about who has the decisions in their hands that will touch their lives in some way?

In my case, it was my livelihood. It was having enough money to buy groceries or not. Living off of unemployment checks.

But lying to me personally to my face? I'll always be devastated. I'll never be "over it". And that's why, when Clinton beat Bush in 1992, I stayed up all night to see the results (yes, of COURSE I voted), and cried when Clinton won. I felt SAFE. And...looking back on those 8 years...I was.

Will I EVER be a Republican? Doubtful. My trust was broken a long time ago, it actually hurt me emotionally and financially, and I'll never forget it. Maybe you don't see it as a Republican/Democrat thing, but Bush MADE it one when he said "if you vote for ME....but if you vote for HIM...."
Sunday, November 05, 2006

Why Join the Military?

After John Kerry's statement about studying hard, or the students may end up in Iraq, I thought about what he said while the outrage continued. Mark brought it up, and...I had some insight that Mark didn't have.

Being a Recruiter, I've worked with several former Military (Air Force and Navy specifically) Recruiters. They are trained to do what they do - that is the "skill" they have learned. They have quotas to meet, as all recruiters have. Some people get so crazed when they find out there's a "quota" per recruiter. Guess what? All recruiters have some type of numerical way their performance is judged. Do you think their superior goes by how many "thank you" letters they get? But it's important to know there IS one. And it's important to know that a Recruiter's' job is a SALES job. You're selling a job that needs to be filled to someone that can fill it that doesn't know it exists or that they want it yet.

The military recruiters admitted to me that it was easy to manipulate potential recruits when you've honed your craft to join the military when I said their job must have been so tough. They told me their reasons, and while we both knew they were far fetched and they admitted so, I could see where I could be easily convinced.

I pictured myself being an 18 year old, or 17 year old still in high school speaking with one of these men to join at the lowest level, or even 22 or 24, just out of college, and enticed with joining as an officer with their reasons. It would be tempting, I admit.

Their reasons had NOTHING to do with fighting for your country, for peace, for freedom, for being noble, for honor. It was all about what the government could do for YOU, not what YOU could do for the government.

If someone would simply sit down and talk to these young men and women like the manipulative military recruiters with trained skills did in the same way, it would be a different story.

Now I realize we HAVE to have a military, but I will always de-program and un-recruit my friends and family and anyone I care about NOT to join the military, and here's why:

1. You May Be Killed

2. You May Kill Others

3. You May Be Injured - physically and psychologically. You may come back without arms, without legs, without eyes, without sanity. And if you're injured in a support role, not in combat, you won't even count as a statistic.

4. You May Suffer Long-Term Health Problems
Of course, stories from Vietnam and the Gulf War.

5. You May Be Lied To
As I mentioned, speaking to trained Military Recruiters, I found the recruiters, admittedly so, blatantly lie and pressure to join to fill their quota.

6. You May Be Ordered to Do Things Against Your Beliefs
Even if you don't mind following orders that you think might actually have been given for some good reason, what will you do if ordered to murder children?

7. You Have Other Choices.
There are many other ways to get money for college, to take overseas adventures, to do good for the world, and to develop skills and abilities.

I appreciate those who join the military and protect freedom, but I highly doubt that is the reason they joined in the first place. And right now, they aren't even fighting for our freedom, not that they shouldn't be respected.
Saturday, November 04, 2006

Just Logging...

This isn't what I was going to post, but I just remembered...Senator Santorum is losing by double digits in Pennsylvania for re-election next week. Oh my gosh, when I found that out from the Jon Stewart show, I got up and twirled around the room, and it was all I could talk about for an hour. There was no one in Congress I disliked more than Santorum at one point. I can't think of anyone now, actually. If you don't remember him, he's the one that said being gay naturally leads to bestiality. No, I'm not making that up or even putting words in his mouth. Jon Stewart said it a little more bluntly and did put words in his mouth. He said "Be gay and go f*ck a dog". I remember thinking...what in the world goes through his mind? How in the world did the whole concept of bestiality even jump into his head? That is the furthest thing from my mind at just about any time - I would never jump to that conclusion on anything that I can think of, unless you told me a man was sneaking into a shed of sheep at night. He ALSO opposed the HPV virus vaccine because he said it would lead to pre-marital sex. He drives me INSANE! I can't WAIT until he's out of Congress! Then what will his stupid ass do? He can become a lobbyist, but he'll no longer have a vote in Congress, or the country's ear.

My boss keeps telling me I need to get "competitive" at work, as if I were playing sports. I always played team sports, and we worked together as a team. I see us as a TEAM. He doesn't like that, and wants me to be a single competitor. He doesn't say that to Bipolar Girl, just to me to get me to "beat" Egg who has the best statistics on one level, but I have the best on everything else. I don't want to compete. I just want to do my job to the best of my ability. I compete against myself. Trust me, my own standards are higher than competing against anyone in the office.

There's one person that I cannot let beat me at anything. Bipolar Girl. I don't know why that is. I guess because I so intensely dislike her? She never "beats" me at anything, so I don't know why I feel that way. I'm so mean about it, though. I don't want her to get any deals...I want her to fail, but I don't want her to be fired, does that make sense? Maybe...I want someone around who is always doing worse than I am so I can build myself up in my mind? There are other people who fall short of me all the time too, but I guess because she sits RIGHT THERE beside me, maybe that's why I feel so competitive against her. I can't quite put my finger on why she's not more successful. Perhaps she will be, and it's just taking her some time to "ramp up". That's what I'm afraid of. Perhaps I've been lucky. I'm afraid of that, too.

Does that make me a horrible person? It does. Why am I like that? Why can't I just get over her and move on? Why can't the annoyance and disgust that I feel for her dissipate? Her personality, her laugh, her smell, the way she holds her hand on the mouse, the way she moves her head, the way she puts a can down on her desk, the way she dresses, the way she wears her hair, her fake niceness, the way she is always distracted when someone walks by and she has to stop what she's doing and start a conversation, the way she sucks up to my boss, oh my god, her EATING all the time, it's just not healthy for me to continue. It's everything. Maybe I should focus on what I LIKE about her. I can't say she's never pissed me off work wise, because she has. Uhm. I'm drawing a blank here. After really, really bad mouthing her boyfriend when I met her and talking all the time about getting an apartment, it appears she's back in love and staying with him again, only...now she's seeing someone too, but "it's ok" because she told him she had a boyfriend. She didn't want to mislead him, you see. Oh yes, what I LIKE about her. She always seems like she's in a good mood. Even when I know she's not, she pretends to be and it makes it easier to work with someone like that. There, I thought of something. True, it had to do with fakeness, but...at work, who needs drama?

I'm really worried about money. Well, I take that back. For anything to happen drastically financially, it would be OUR CHOICE, so I'm not frantic. But for Mark to be happy in general, he's going to have to stop being a straight developer. At the very least, he'll need to go back to being an Architect, and the very most, back to being a Director. That sounds so backwards. He'll have to go "back" to a position that is higher on the rung of the org chart. The thing is...permanent positions don't pay as well as development contract positions. Even for a Director. He'll have to take a pretty healthy paycut. I TRIED to tell him this before he started looking for a permanent position again because, after all, I'm an IT Recruiter and I recruit for all levels, and he didn't believe me. Now he does.

I don't know how we got here. It's not good for him, or me to live with him being so unhappy, when he does things like eat just to have some enjoyment in his life and is gaining weight, then he hates himself because he's gained weight. This isn't simply an observation, he's told me that. And he now smokes one cigar a day. It's because he has such few pleasures in life. I don't know what to do. I told him I'm ready to go with less money, live wherever and sell our house, our home, quit my job and find a new one...whatever. We can buy another house, and I can find another recruiter's position about anywhere we go. I'm thankful he's on anti-depressants, but I WISH he'd go to his psychiatrist again and tell him how unhappy he is. Maybe he needs to go see a therapist, but I know he won't. He doesn't believe they help, because we've been to couple's counseling, and he thinks it helps for "just that moment".

I ate a ton of cheesecake this week, so I know I'll weigh a lot when my "official weigh day" is here. Oh, well. I couldn't have expected 125 to actually stick. I've been slacking off on working out, too.

I'm not depressed. I'm BLAH. Un-content. Un-satisfactory. Less than. Below average. But I'm NOT depressed. I'm just....here. I WANT to be here, just under different circumstances. I want to feel better, be excited about something, have something to look forward to, not be worried or annoyed. The possibility of living somewhere other than Texas is exciting, that much I will say. Of course, it matters where it is. In case someone is reading my blog, I won't name any states I find more undesirable than Texas, but let's just say they're considered "the south" as well, or at least, as they say, "south of the mason-dixie line".

I took 5mg of Abilify again today. I think tomorrow, since it's a Sunday and not a work day, I'll take 10mg. Or did I take 10mg today? I can't remember - I'll have to go count how many 10mg I have left. If I DID take 10mg, that's good. After about a week on 10mg last time, I felt pretty good. I hope it works again this time.

Work

I guess this post is aptly titled work since it's about, well, work - for both Mark and myself.

First...Mark. He had a phone interview today that went really well, and has a face to face meeting on Monday. The two just really clicked and liked each other a lot. He was telling me about it as I was on my way home, and then he told me the salary. I thought I was going to fall out of the driver's seat. It was THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS a year LESS than what he's making now! I don't know about anyone else, but that's significant for us. I asked him..."do you realize that's over $2,000/month?". He said yes, but we just refinanced our home at a lower interest rate, and we would cut out the "extras". I was curious...what were the "extras"? The lawn (okay), the maid service (well....okay, but...), and he paused. I told him that wasn't going to get us to $2000. He was up to a little over $1000. I said what's next? Tivo? Internet access? My gym membership? And maybe that was good so I could work through lunch and hopefully make more deals since we'll need the money, I told him. And, of course, I said my $800/month account would about cover it, right? Only...that would mean I would be able to buy NOTHING for myself. He said he never mentioned my account, and didn't even consider it, but how can you not? Now AGAIN, I believe in supporting him, but a $30k year cut in salary when he HAS A JOB? Why not wait until the right opportunity comes along? What's the rush? Yes, it's in our city, but I can't live on $2k less a month. Could YOU? You get used to a certain way of living, and I have no idea what it would be like living that way. I am assuming we could pay our bills? He pays them, so he would know. I think he decided there was no reason to pursue the opportunity any further - the salary was too low. They had made it clear it would not go higher than the number they gave him when I suggested he could go through the interview process and negotiate the salary, so...I really hope he's serious when he says he's not going to pursue it. I went into panic mode. He has other things in the works...I hope he lets this drop.

For me...the people at my job just irritate me. Maybe everyone irritates me in general. My boss - well, he's a jackass, but everyone knows that already. And he knows I think that about him, he acts like it hurts him, yet he doesn't CHANGE and pretends like he doesn't know why. He's such a "salesman". I have no pity for him. Calling me at home when I'm sick and I'm trying to tell him I can't come in because I have no energy and can't get out of bed - I must have the flu or something, and he tells me he can hold the phone up for me...well, what do you want from me from a boss with that kind of empathy?

And Bipolar Girl. Do I need to say anything at all? She is the biggest annoyance in my life, other than being bipolar myself. What if I just go off on her one day? It will crush her, I know it will, so I'm super nice to her - super fake, which I hate in her, yet I do it back. I'm going to stop standing up for her to my boss. He can keep coming down hard on her, and I'm not saying anything more. He can think what he wants, true or not. The thing is, and I'm sure this will change shortly, it's just a matter of time, she's only had one deal so far, and last month, of all the resumes she sent out, she only got one request for an interview. I got 15 for October, if that puts it into perspective, and today is the 2nd on November, and I already have 4. That doesn't mean I'll be more successful, though. It's a numbers game. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I used to think it was luck a long time ago...I don't think I believe that anymore. It's more than just luck that one person would get 15 requests for interviews in a month, and another would get one, don't you think? Of course, this is a new month. It could all be reversed, and I'm always prepared for that.

All I know to do is pray about Bipolar Girl. I can't change HER, I can only change MYSELF and the way I feel and think about her, so...I'm out of options except for that. Yes, she really gets to me THAT BAD. It's every single thing about her that gets on my nerves and is like NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.

Maybe I should ask if I can sit somewhere that she's not, except...my boss would never let me leave his team, and I know he wants her on his team because he wants to keep training her. To be frank, he probably wants to keep training me too. And Older Woman is getting mad because she wants to be an Account Manager with Bipolar Girl and myself working for HER. I couldn't take that. I would go absolutely insane. I'm insane already, and with just Bipolar Girl and myself reporting to Older Woman? Oh my God. I don't know how long I would last.

I'm barely hanging on as it is.
Thursday, November 02, 2006

I've Noticed Some Things

Yes, I've noticed some things.

First of all, I skipped a day of Abilify to get my system off of the 15mg a little, then took only 5mg today. My energy level has started going up, but I've noticed...people are getting REALLY SICK at work. Now I wonder....was I actually really sick? I tried to work out at the gym today, and I got winded very quickly, felt like I was working out twice as hard, and got much sweatier than usual. Whatever it is/was, it's not completely gone yet. If it was going up on Abilify too fast, it's not out of my system yet. If I had the flu, I'm not 100% over it. A woman at the gym asked me what hair salon I went to, and I felt so flattered! I actually had my hairdresser's card with me (she was asking me for directions, as if I know more than LEFT and RIGHT), and gave it to her so she'd have the salon's address and phone number. It's funny how such a small thing can make you feel so good.

I'll take 5mg of Abilify for about 3 more days, go up to 10 mg for about 4 or 5 days, then creep up to 15mg this time. And hopefully all will go well. It's such an emotional rollercoaster being on Abilify until I'm at a stable dosage! It happened last time, and it's happening this time. I just get....angry is not really the right word. Stubborn? Difficult? That's more like it.

At work, when "Bipolar Girl" gets upset, she eats. Maybe that's why I think she's eating all the time. She literally is. Pieces (yes, plural) of cake from the breakroom, in addition to her lunch and breakfast, salty snacks in her drawer, but especially when my boss isn't just singing her praises, which...is all the time. And she's very thin! That part is okay - it's just the constant shoving of food in her mouth. It highly annoys me. The way she holds her head, and her hand, and the way she laughs, and...man, have you ever had to sit near someone that everything about them annoyed you? I'm being much nicer to her, trying to befriend her, but not trusting her at the same time (you can do that, you know), and she's being nice back like she always has been, and I feel so horrible for being annoyed by her. Why is this? It makes me feel like a bad person. I just can't explain it. I think I tried before...it's as if I see everything I hate about myself that I've worked so hard to change magnified 1000 times and I'm forced to watch it and listen to it ALL THE TIME.

When I listen to the song "Creep" now, I don't cry anymore. I don't even feel like crying. The last song I cried to was "I Can't Live" (you'd know the song if you heard it). I actually think it's a song that is normal if you start to cry if you're focused on the words. Maybe being focused on the words and song isn't so normal, but, music has always been a huge focal point of my life.

Mark is starting to interview all over the country. Now it's Minnesota (Minnesota? It's never occurred to me once in my lifetime to live there), and that's the job he's most excited about. Now I always said I wanted to move North....and I wanted to be back in the Midwest....and I'd like to have seasons again and snow....but this is a little extreme. Isn't it...like...cold there? I know I say I'm not a Texan and how much I hate Texas, but....I've lived in Texas for 18 years now and...I'm just not prepared for that kind of "cold". I said I would go anywhere...well, I guess I will, but....Minnesota? I guess I didn't know what was in Ohio until he started interviewing there, either. I mean, I've been to Canada tons of times - is that how cold Minnesota is? It looks awfully close to Canada on the map. I might as well just live in Canada where my political beliefs are probably more aligned, anyway. I could get used to saying "eh". :-) "It's cold up here, eh?" :-) It's better than "ya'll". Talk about extremes! And, from recruiting in Minnesota, I already know how to say "MinneSOta". It's kind of exciting to think you may be living somewhere new and you don't know where it will be. 95% chances are that it will be here, but still...it's fun.

Other than being moody and blaming it on Abilify, that's about it...

I've Noticed Some Things

Yes, I've noticed some things.

First of all, I skipped a day of Abilify to get my system off of the 15mg a little, then took only 5mg today. My energy level has started going up, but I've noticed...people are getting REALLY SICK at work. Now I wonder....was I actually really sick? I tried to work out at the gym today, and I got winded very quickly, felt like I was working out twice as hard, and got much sweatier than usual. Whatever it is/was, it's not completely gone yet. If it was going up on Abilify too fast, it's not out of my system yet. If I had the flu, I'm not 100% over it. A woman at the gym asked me what hair salon I went to, and I felt so flattered! I actually had my hairdresser's card with me (she was asking me for directions, as if I know more than LEFT and RIGHT), and gave it to her so she'd have the salon's address and phone number. It's funny how such a small thing can make you feel so good.

I'll take 5mg of Abilify for about 3 more days, go up to 10 mg for about 4 or 5 days, then creep up to 15mg this time. And hopefully all will go well. It's such an emotional rollercoaster being on Abilify until I'm at a stable dosage! It happened last time, and it's happening this time. I just get....angry is not really the right word. Stubborn? Difficult? That's more like it.

At work, when "Bipolar Girl" gets upset, she eats. Maybe that's why I think she's eating all the time. She literally is. Pieces (yes, plural) of cake from the breakroom, in addition to her lunch and breakfast, salty snacks in her drawer, but especially when my boss isn't just singing her praises, which...is all the time. And she's very thin! That part is okay - it's just the constant shoving of food in her mouth. It highly annoys me. The way she holds her head, and her hand, and the way she laughs, and...man, have you ever had to sit near someone that everything about them annoyed you? I'm being much nicer to her, trying to befriend her, but not trusting her at the same time (you can do that, you know), and she's being nice back like she always has been, and I feel so horrible for being annoyed by her. Why is this? It makes me feel like a bad person. I just can't explain it. I think I tried before...it's as if I see everything I hate about myself that I've worked so hard to change magnified 1000 times and I'm forced to watch it and listen to it ALL THE TIME.

When I listen to the song "Creep" now, I don't cry anymore. I don't even feel like crying. The last song I cried to was "I Can't Live" (you'd know the song if you heard it). I actually think it's a song that is normal if you start to cry if you're focused on the words. Maybe being focused on the words and song isn't so normal, but, music has always been a huge focal point of my life.

Mark is starting to interview all over the country. Now it's Minnesota (Minnesota? It's never occurred to me once in my lifetime to live there), and that's the job he's most excited about. Now I always said I wanted to move North....and I wanted to be back in the Midwest....and I'd like to have seasons again and snow....but this is a little extreme. Isn't it...like...cold there? I know I say I'm not a Texan and how much I hate Texas, but....I've lived in Texas for 18 years now and...I'm just not prepared for that kind of "cold". I said I would go anywhere...well, I guess I will, but....Minnesota? I guess I didn't know what was in Ohio until he started interviewing there, either. I mean, I've been to Canada tons of times - is that how cold Minnesota is? It looks awfully close to Canada on the map. I might as well just live in Canada where my political beliefs are probably more aligned, anyway. I could get used to saying "eh". :-) "It's cold up here, eh?" :-) It's better than "ya'll". Talk about extremes! And, from recruiting in Minnesota, I already know how to say "MinneSOta". It's kind of exciting to think you may be living somewhere new and you don't know where it will be. 95% chances are that it will be here, but still...it's fun.

Other than being moody and blaming it on Abilify, that's about it...

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