Last Day of 2006

Last day of 2006 - and what have I been doing for the past few days?

Sleeping. I just took a bath, and I hadn't had once since Friday (today is Sunday), and hadn't washed my hair since Thursday. Yes, it was gross.

I came home on Friday (12/29) about 10:30 faking a bad headache because I was BORED beyond belief. I actually DID have a headache, just not that bad at all. I said I was going home to take my headache medicine, everyone said to take my time, and we'd be going home early. I never went back to work, and I never called. Yesterday, Saturday, someone called my cellphone, and today I just looked at the number to see who it was, and it was my boss (who was out of town on Friday). I haven't listened to the message yet.

I'm worried that I'm bored of work now. That I'll just sit and watch the clock, that I won't do well, that I'll hate my job, that I'll just stop going in until I get fired. What if I'm already fired? I couldn't be. I just made my boss a ton of money in December - his part was probably more than $20k. Would you fire someone who made you $20k in one month?

For the first time in many months, I took a bunch of Seroquel to just sleep yesterday, and slept most of the afternoon, all night, and woke up at about 8:30a today (Sunday). I only took 400mg this time, instead of 1000 or something unGodly like that when my normal dosage is 50. I have no idea why I did that, except I was bored and I was worried about work.

So what are we doing tonight for New Year's? Exactly what I want to do. We're cutting up cheese and sausage (ok, Mark is), we have ice cream, stuff like that, we're going to watch tv, and more than likely, we'll be asleep at midnight. The perfect New Year's Eve.

Yes, boring to most, but after so many years of shelling out $100/person, having a lavish meal, going to a party, I got SICK of being pressured to have this GREAT TIME to ring in the new year, basing my new year on the night. Because of my high expectations, the night was always a failure to me.

A few years ago, I was sick, the roads were icy, and I was on my way to the store at almost midnight for more cold/flu medicine, and I slid into a huge rock that a business had placed near their driveway. I really messed up my car, and try explaining that to your insurance company. "I was really sick on New Year's Eve and slid into a rock...I wasn't drinking, I was getting medicine...". You almost FEEL like you're lying, even when you're not.

I just want to be home, safe and sound, on New Year's Eve, and have wanted that for several years now.

I know what one of my New Year's goals for 2007 will be. I'll think of a few more and post them tomorrow...

Have a safe New Year's Eve!

Bipolar Girl - What to Do?

I have a real issue. Well...I guess it's only an issue if I believe it's one. I know I've gone on and on about "Bipolar/Eating Girl" in my blog, how she used to annoy me to no end, etc. She still DOES annoy me. She still eats while she's talking on the phone, doesn't do any work, calls her friends long distance and chats, and I'm hoping her work habits will improve when our boss gets back on Monday.

I can't help feeling something for her, though. No, not like THAT. I far as we're both bipolar, although to my knowledge, she doesn't know I am as well. Today she told me she used to take Lamictal (which I take also), and she needed to find a new "shrink" to get a prescription. I stupidly gave her a klonipin once (big mistake for someone who self medicates, but I didn't KNOW), so she knew I had a psychiatrist. I gave her my doctor's name and number. She then told me she was diagnosed with "rapid cycling bipolar disorder" when she was 7. I've never known anyone to be diagnosed so young! She had also told me previously and again TODAY that the holidays were really hard on her "because of everything, you know" (her parents both passed away), and she told me she's been crying and crying every day. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. I hear her saying all the time that she's going to go home and have a glass of wine - like, every day, and she always says she's going to go home and "nap", like during lunch. I'm suspicious that she's doing drugs as well - maybe pain killers or something. I say this because she's actually outright ASKED me for a klonipin before so she could go home and "chill out". OMG, I was so mad and offended. But she's been acting very bizarre. She said she didn't want everyone to know about her illness, although she has no problem telling everyone she has ADD, and I told her it should be her decision about who she told about her illness. I'm not telling anyone, that's for sure. But I'm really worried. She's crying and crying all of the time? AND she gets hyper and talks all the time to everyone at work? AND she drinks wine, from what I can tell, everyday? AND she's not taking any medication for her illness, when obviously, it's so severe that she was diagnosed when she was 7? I have a feeling she's being promiscuous, too.

Do I have any responsibility here, as a bipolar sort-of friend, since she's divulged this to me? She doesn't have any family really, her close friends don't even live in our city...she's breaking up and moving out of her apartment she shares with her boyfriend - she's kind of alone. How do I know she's not suicidal, and if she were, does she have someone to turn to if she breaks down completely? By telling me she's been crying and crying, was she trying to tell me something, and by reaching out and telling me she needed help and needed a psychiatrist?

I certainly don't want to open a can of worms here. I go to work to WORK, and she's such a distraction, that dealing with this will hamper my productivity. That sounds so cold and calloused, but I'm talking about inserting myself into someone's life that seemingly has invited me in...I don't know how far to take it. Should I just leave it at giving her my doctor's number? Or should I push it a bit further and give her my cellphone # and tell her to call me if she feels...I don't know how I would put it exactly...low? I wouldn't want to freak her out and use the term suicidal, but what if she DID commit suicide? I just now thought of that.

I would never forgive myself.

I worked out today - burned 253 calories and ate 540 calories, leaving 287 calories for the day. Somehow, I need to figure out how to burn those last 300 calories I have left over for the day. I guess I'll have to start coming home and getting on the treadmill or something. It's just...I know I'm probably in "starvation mode", but I've cut all sodas (I only drank diet, but still...) from my diet, and am trying to drink as much water as I can stand. That seems to help my appetite.

My goal is be be at 125 by the next time I weigh (around January 10th or so), and I'm now at 126.5. You'd THINK the pounds would be falling off, but no, my body is used to this. I'll be lucky if I'm at 125. My ultimate goal is to be at 115 by my birthday - August 2nd. I think 5'6" - 5'7" and 115 would be just about right? We'll see if and when I get there.


I worked out SO HARD today - it was awesome! I exercised almost all of my breakfast off except 50 calories. So...I had 300 calories for breakfast, 240 for dinner, and I worked out 250 calories off. That's 540 calories consumed, worked off 250, leaving 290 calories! I've been taking TrimSpa about an hour before I work out, and that has really been pumping me up, along with my Ipod Shuffle music.

I'm not sick anymore! I have no clue why. I can't figure it out. Maybe it's the hot/cold thing. I'm still FREEZING all the time when no one else is, though. Not sure what to do about that. There's a guy at work that is always trying to come up with an answer for that - first he thought it was an iron deficiency, now he thinks it's Vitamin C and my immune system. I should just take vitamins, but they make me really sick when I take them.

I keep getting unsolicited emails requesting phone interviews for SAP Recruiter positions. So...I set up two phone interviews. The base pay is awesome, plus, of course, commission is involved.

But do you know what they REALLY want?

They don't want someone who simply understands SAP and knows how to recruit for it. They want someone to come with a "pipeline" of SAP consultants. So basically, steal candidates from their present company. I've only been an SAP Recruiter for 6 months, so obviously, I don't have this "massive pipeline". Even if I did, I have an issue with stealing people from my employer - the same employer that is teaching me how to recruit for SAP.

I'm starting to get a couple of emails per week (and I'm not even on Monster or Dice or anything!) about working for recruiting firms as an SAP Recruiter, but I'm going to stop responding. They don't want my KNOWLEDGE, they want my PEOPLE. It's very disheartening to know that. I feel like I'm being used, and that my talent isn't valuable.

However...since I'm not soliciting these job offers, I intend on saving these emails, and in about a year, taking them to my boss and show them to him to prove my worth and hopefully get a base pay, since I'm working on strictly commission (with a draw, of course). These jobs have a base pay of $45k - $60k, with the same commission I already get. Can you just IMAGINE how much money that would be?'s really hard to say. You're only as good as the sales team is.

Perhaps I could start responding to these emails and be straight out honest that I don't have a huge "pipeline", but would be interested in talking. But I still feel guilty. This company has taught me this very marketable skill...don't I owe it to them to stay? I think I will for at least a year or two - get as much SAP experience as possible.

On another note, Older Woman and I have decided that Eating/Bipolar Girl must be taking drugs. She is acting bizarre. Our boss is out of town, but she does not do ANY work all day long. She walks around and talks to people, she just sits at her desk and stares at her hands, she puts absolutely no effort in to work at all. She actually says "I have no motivation, I've decided I'm not doing anything all day today". And...she really does NO WORK all day long. She also leaves about 30 minutes early every day. Somehow, without using the internet, she manages to fill her day. I guess it's by talking to everyone all the time. I just ignore her. She gets on my nerves. She claims she has ADD, but so do I, and this isn't ADD behavior. You don't DECIDE not to do any work, and proclaim as much. You try, and end up staring at your screen all day, and at the end of the day, you wonder what in the hell you even did. She's bipolar, and I think she's self medicating. I already knew she was drinking wine every night...I think she's progressed to other chemicals now...but what can I do? Yes, she's bipolar, and I'm bipolar, but I'm not about to "out" myself over this, and it would do no good, anyway. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. If she IS taking drugs, it's just a matter of time...

I'm afraid she's going to lose her job. And if she does, well...she kind of deserves it. I wish there was something I could say, but what could I say? I'm not her manager - I'm a fellow coworker. Being bipolar myself, I UNDERSTAND having issues and don't want to see her let go if it's because of symptoms of her disease, but at the same time...we ARE getting paid to do a job, you know?

Back in the Old Days....

At our company's Christmas party, we had to list one thing about ourselves that no one knew, and then each thing was read aloud and we had to guess who that person was.

I knew the girls were going to say something like "I was Miss So and So" beauty pageant winner, or something like that, so I said something unique, and...I thought...very boring. I used to be a MAJOR computer nerd (I guess I still am?) and used "gopher" to access the internet before the world wide web came along. Probably a LOT of people reading this right now are nodding their heads saying "yeah, okay, so what?". It was in 1993 or so, I think. It was COMPLETELY different than what these outgoing social type-A personalities all said they did in the past.

We had a state "Miss Legs", a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a bass player in a band that used to have a record label, a classical piano player from college, a person who attended road rage studies, someone whose in-laws were a dictator of a country in the past - you name it. See how different mine was?

When I stood up at the end of the game after everyone had filled out their sheets to show that was MY clue, I think it was the biggest shock of all of them. Isn't that weird? My stupid nerdy contribution? They assumed I was as extroverted as they are, and would never sit in front of a computer for days on end. I did, I have, and I still do. As many who read my blog know, my goal for each weekend is to shower and get off my computer to do it!

So why am I saying all of this? These dummies are calling me a "hacker" now, asking me what was on the internet "before I was allowed to access it". Before I was "allowed"? No, I've TRIED to tell them, they were ALLOWED to access it, it's just that you had to use commands and it was in text - the BROWSER hadn't been invented yet.

I'm totally not kidding here - my NEW nickname (everyone always has to have one in my office for some reason) is "Hacker". One guy said I was the person he always wanted to be - like the kid from WAR GAMES! He was impressed that I used to have a MODEM next to my computer. Where do these people come from? Where were they in the early 90's?

Anyways, I did what anyone else would do at the end of the game last week. I looked to see what everyone else had put down for me. Most people thought I was the classical piano player, a few thought I was the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader (yeah right - as IF I was ever that coordinated? But I was flattered anyway), and ONE PERSON got it RIGHT! Guess who? My friggin' BOSS. He had to stand up and show his paper to everyone to prove he had gotten it right and to say how he knew. Do you know what his "big clue" was? That I use LinkedIn and have tried to convince him it's a great recruiting tool/website.

And let me remind you...I am an IT Recruiter working for an IT Placement firm. Is this not PATHETIC? I kind of thought revealing my past nerdiness would be good for my career?

It's very embarrassing to be called a "hacker" when you're not, never have been, don't even know how to be one. I just change the subject really quickly whenever people want to talk about it - which is several times every day. They don't talk about being in a band recording for a label, or going to Mark Cuban's party...they want to know about the "hacker" girl.

Ironically, the guy they all said "stand up" to for my clue happened to be the classical piano player, whom they all wrote down as me. I'm kind of flattered they would see me as cultured and not just think that I would write down something relating to my appearance. They were right, though - I didn't write down anything about the way I've ever looked. I noticed that the most insecure (and yes, there really are people who are more insecure than I am, I believe) girls wrote down they were models, etc., in the past, I think trying to prove and verify to everyone that they were/are attractive. I'm not trying to prove to anyone that I WAS attractive. I'm trying to BE attractive NOW. Does that make sense? So why would I write down something like that in the past? It would imply that I'm no longer that way, and people would never guess that about me, right? But now...maybe I should have put down something girlie so I wouldn't be called a "hacker". I could have said, like one guy did, that I was the "Gerber baby". Yes, seriously. I work with one of the "Gerber babies". I TOLD you this was a unique group of social extroverts. Yet, me being a hacker (the rumor) is more interesting?

My boss is out of town until next Monday, and his team is really taking advantage of it. Coming in around 11, leaving around 3:30 - 4:30. It's bad, so I'm sending him emails when I get there and when I leave so I don't get my ass chewed when he gets back, because he'll find out.

And today was my first work out with my new Ipod! I loved it!

It's Over and Weird Symptoms...

I got a John Mayer DVD (see last post)! (I'm ALL ABOUT John Mayer right now - Mark was so perceptive in that gift.)

So it's the end of Christmas Day, and it's almost officially over! This was a really stress free year for me. Aside from a few Christmas parties, I had stress free shopping (I ordered everything online) and somehow, was pretty chilled out at Mark's parent's house until his brother and sister in law arrived.

Whatever this sickness is, I have no idea. I don't know if I should go to the doctor? I went to an allergist many years ago who did every test possible on me, and said I had NO allergies. seems like I have allergies.

People around me try to offer medication, turn the heat up, down, get me something to probably LOOKS worse than it feels. The ONLY thing that can even touch it is Benedryl. I've already taken 2 today.'s not something from work or the gym. I haven't been there since last Friday, and typically, I'm all well by Sunday.

And why am I so cold all of the time? I mean ALL OF THE TIME. Mark says it's because I'm so thin now, and I'm used to extra weight keeping me warm. Could that be possible? I was cold all summer, too. (inside, not outdoors, of course)

And my period is all messed up. I start spotting about a week or two after one ends, then finally start, finish, and a week later, start spotting again.

This ALL started slowly and is progressing.

Is it my eating habits? My best weight loss days are the weekdays. I start my 600 - 900 calorie days on Mondays and it goes through Fridays. Is it a coincidence that I start getting sick on Thursday afternoon?

If I went to a doctor, I would feel stupid. These things may have no connection and none of them are debilitating, so why should I go?

The allergy thing started when I started going to the gym (I'm so excited to go tomorrow and use my new Ipod Shuffle!), so I keep thinking it's something there that I'm doing, it is Monday, and I'm still sick.

Is it Abilify?

Hell, I have no idea.

Maybe I just have a cold or the flu that I keep giving to myself over and over.

Just wanted to record my symptoms in my blog for later analysis if needed...

Sorry to be so boring, but this really IS why I keep a blog...


Whew! Things are all done, and I just have Christmas lunch to make for Mark and myself.

We went to Mark's parents tonight, gave the kids the gifts we picked out, his parents gave us gifts, and it was a nice time playing games until his brother and sister in law showed up. G, the sister in law, used to be the only one I could relate to as she felt the same about the family that I did, but I no longer feel that way. His family has embraced me, and she is so bitter. His brother was so rude. They showed up around 8:00, had the kids open presents, didn't even stay to eat or anything, and were then planning on leaving. I know how his sister in law feels about her husband's (Mark's brother's) family.

The tension was too much for me. I used my illness as an excuse to get the hell out of there. They were there for maybe 15 minutes after we'd been there for 6-7 hours, and then I said I had to go. I'm sure it was obvious, and his sister in law thinks I'm the only one on "her side" and was probably disappointed, but I felt so torn.

I've lost a lot of weight, and that's the first thing people who haven't seen me in about a year notice and comment on. I always think..."was I THAT fat before?" Yes, I know 50 pounds is a dramatic change, but it doesn't seem like it to me. It DID feel good when my sister in law commented on how good and thin I look.

My allergies are getting worse. I can't shake them. I stayed at Mark's parents house for many hours being sick. It was totally obvious and they all knew it, but what could I do? I just wish I could figure out what makes me so sick each and every week.

I shouldn't have stopped taking Abilify. I took one this morning, but I'm afraid I was too late. On the way home, I started crying. People keep asking me "are you getting a new puppy for Christmas?". Sure, I'd love to have one, but Mark refuses to get one. Then it hit me. This is the first Christmas we've had without Cody. I used to buy him presents, stuff his stocking, all the things you would for your child, but on a dog level. The tears kept streaming down my cheeks, but I didn't even care to wipe them away. I had a great Christmas Eve, so there was no reason to be depressed. I snapped at Mark, I've been thinking of doing things I just shouldn't (not WAY out there, but sending out emails I can't take back, etc.), and just overall mental instability is here . I know it's only been a few days, but I can tell, it's enough. I think the half life is 72 hours?

Mark and I were talking about kids, and he was telling me all the reasons why we shouldn't have a baby right now, and I surprised myself by saying "I think I'd be a GOOD mother, and I've waited all my life to be one, and...". After the "and", I had to bite my lip from what I was going to say next. I hadn't realized it, but it was really true. I was GOING to say "and to be with you, I'm not going to be able to have a child of my own". That made me start crying again. But it got me to thinking that if I want to have a biological child, my clock is ticking, loudly, and starting to get fainter and fainter as time marches on, and I simply cannot wait, while he has all the time in the world.

Should I make an ultimatum?

I am on "repeat" mode of John Mayer's "Why Georgia" for some reason. I play it several times every day. I know one day I'll look back when I hear that song, and it will remind me of this time in my life. Songs are like that for me. WHY in the world this song is so appealing to me, I have no idea. I usually find, later on, that the lyrics are actually how I've truly felt all along, and didn't realize it. Just like with Creep, "Why Georgia" may be the same way.

By the way, he's singing about "Georgia" the state, not a girl's name. I just figured that out.

Lyrics and song:

I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Why Georgia, why?

Keeping Up..

It's getting hard to keep up in my blog these days, but now is an essential time as I've stopped Abilify!

I agree with everyone's comments - I need to go see my doctor. I've also decided there are many reasons why my concentration might not be "there" like it was, but I have to admit, after stopping Abilify, it's getting better. Maybe the Adderall dosage simply DOES need to be increased, and that will fix the whole thing, and it never had anything to do with Abilify.

Yes, I've read that Abilify is for mania, but for some reason, anti-psychotics, meant for mania, are the best anti-depressants for me, hands down. Just like someone said, it evens out my moods, including depression. My doctor can't exactly give me an anti-depressant. Abilify really DID lift my depression, no matter why anyone thinks it's to be taken. I mean, I know when I started taking it, and I know when I saw a huge difference, and I know that Mark thinks there's been a huge improvement in my overall attitude and said I'm so much easier to live with now. The girl at work doesn't annoy me anymore, and it's just helped TREMENDOUSLY. After taking psychiatric drugs for so long, you KNOW when something works, you know?

Except now, I'm starting to feel anxious again...but, that's always good for weight loss!

Mark went to my company's Christmas party with me. It was at my boss's house, and OMG, his house is unbelievable. It made me think of how much money I'm making him every day. I thought back to the party I went with Mark with people he used to work with, and the party of mine, and there were huge differences in the dynamics. At Mark's party, it was a bunch of developers and their wives. was developer's personalities. They're quiet, laid back, get in small groups and have conversations, that kind of thing.

Now there was MY party. I work in sales, all Type-A personalities to the hilt. Everyone was trying so hard to be the center of attention that it kept getting louder and louder, and people were laughing and everyone was talking to everyone - not really in groups so much. Honestly, there was TOO MUCH personality there. I could tell Mark was overwhelmed. The interesting thing I noticed was this: all of my coworkers, including me, were married/engaged to very quiet types of individuals. It's actually quite a social study. At the developer's party, usually the spouse had the more dynamic personality, telling people what to do, where to go, planned the whole event, etc.

Is it typical for a more extroverted person to hook up with a much quieter (not necessarily introverted) person? With Mark and I, *I* am the personality of the two of us. He's the quiet one behind me, does that make sense? I'm the one bringing him into the conversations, and moving him around the room. You know..."working the room". I don't know what happened at his party that I went to - I was just shy and quiet. Of course, I didn't KNOW them, either, but...they didn't have Type-A personalities where they just walk up and start talking to you, either. Does that make sense? I felt they all already knew each other, they all were already huddled in groups, and felt left out. They were nice, but...well heck, it was a company party, and Mark doesn't even WORK there!

My insurance company decided they are not paying one red dime to the people whose van I hit who is suing me for bodily injury. Nope - not even to fix their van. With the help of my insurance guy and viewing the "crime scene", I NOW know what happened. It wasn't my fault. They ran a red, and due to a large fountain in the intersection, I couldn't see them, turned right, and hit them. Because *I* hit *them*, I thought this was all my fault. But it wasn't. I KNEW something was wrong in this whole picture because I didn't remember breaking any traffic laws, did it happen? I couldn't figure it out for the life of me.

I am THRILLED my insurance company is denying all claims and will not pay a SINGLE CENT. They are claiming no liability, or something like that. They said I might get served with papers from their attorney and it will come down to character - who a judge will believe, but my insurance guy has met these people and said they will believe ME. hah - unless they find out I'm bipolar, right? I'm mentally ill? I've always been waiting for discrimination....

If everything is dropped, and my insurance company does not pay anything, what happens then? Do they pursue charges of insurance fraud? Because if not, then I will. I'd call the cops myself. Who is going to stop them from doing this to the next person? Who's to say they don't do this all the time?

I'm sick AGAIN. I've started noticing when I'm doing really well on my diet and eating 600 - 900 calories a day for many days in a row, I get sick eventually. I realized this from last month when I ate like a pig and didn't get sick even once, like I normally do at the end of every week. It's like I get a bad cold or the flu. There really seems to be a connection. The thing is, no medicine helps. Not cold medicine, not benedryl, nothing kicks it. I don't understand it AT ALL. What could it be?

I'm just 1/2 pound away from losing the 2.5 pounds I gained last month, and it's only been 2 weeks, which is really good for me. Going to the gym every day has helped TREMENDOUSLY. I've started taking TrimSpa for extra energy before I work out so I'll work out a lot harder, and it works. I think it's also good for...endorphins? Dopamine? Whatever it is in your brain that produces chemicals to make you happy when you exercise. :-) You know - it COULD be that instead of Abilify that is making me feel better. Except the whole cold/flu thing.

Stopping Abilify

Well, I'm going to stop taking Abilify for now. Yes, it works. No, it doesn't cause weight gain. Everything a person could want, right?

Except...I have ADHD, and I can't CONCENTRATE now, and I'm starting to forget where I put things. I'm forgetting little details. I just sit and stare at my computer screen, unable to make myself comprehend what's on it - all I see is a blur and time just passes. My productivity at work has dropped, although my deals are up. I think that's because of the work I did BEFORE Abilify took away my concentration.

I'm going to stop taking it, and make an appointment with my doctor. I have no clue if I can just STOP, but I'm going to tomorrow, and take it with me to work. If I get or feel sick, I'll just pop one quickly. I take 15 mg - I have 5's and 10's too.

I'm hoping my dr can increase my Adderall, but even then...I don't know if more Adderall will fix this problem.

What can 30 mg of Adderall do that 20 can't? This problem is pretty severe.

Maybe my depression is now over and I don't need Abilify any more. It was good while it lasted.

Trust and Lies

Do you ever look around you when you're in a crowd or in public, look at someone, anyone, and think..."Are you one of THOSE?".

By one of "those" I mean this. I got into the tiniest fender bender. There are a few scratches on the front of Mark's car. Not the bumper, because his convertible is too low, and the van was too high. I pulled over, the van pulled over, I was in a hurry, gave them my insurance information (if I could go back in time...), asked them where my street was because I was lost, and went on my way.

NO ONE PULLED OVER to render aid because of the accident. The cops didn't need to be called. For what? Chipped paint? We aren't even putting in a claim for our car because our deductible is $500, and the claims adjuster agreed it would be less than $500 to fix.

I can't even believe this, and I'm SO ANGRY. The man and woman showed up (I don't know where this happened, the insurance man didn't tell me, but I would have liked to have been there) "injured". SHE had on a neck brace, and GET THIS. HE had on a knee brace, and was using crutches!

Are you frickin' kidding me?? My car barely bumped their bumper, and she's wearing a neck brace, and he's on crutches?

I trust people too much. I NOW know I should have called the cops.

WHO are these people that do these things? How can they live with themselves? People are REALLY *that* crooked?

Do they steal purses? Or is that a "crime" to them? If my luggage were at the airport, would they try to sneak it away from me? Are they the kind of people that steal my credit card information and my identity?

Or is that a horrible crime to "them"?

Do these people have ANY idea that the person they chose to *uck with is bipolar? And goes into a complete and total RAGE? That there are times, like this, when I'm obsessive? It's the principle.

It's my right to know who they are, isn't it? Who's hired an attorney and is suing me for BODILY INJURY? Who is committing INSURANCE FRAUD, using me as their target? Shouldn't I know their NAMES and WHO THEY ARE? This is a FELONY, correct? If convicted, they won't be allowed to vote, carry a gun, face jail time etc., if found guilty, am I correct in assuming this?

They're low life pieces of scum who deserve this kind of treatment from society.

Yes, I know my insurance company will take care of all of this. The insurance person made sure I knew this, that this was THEIR job, not to worry, they dealt with this all the time and people DO this. And they get into accidents ON PURPOSE. And yes, I know this is one of the reasons I have car insurance.

But if I don't stick up for myself, who will? No one. And DAMMIT! I didn't DO THIS! They are LYING! Who else can say this, and be 100% positive, but me?

I don't want my insurance company to pay them any money, I don't want them to settle, and I don't want them to pay for their medical bills. As if dishonesty should be rewarded?

I want to LOOK THEM IN THE EYES as they lie. See if they flinch. See if they avoid making eye contact. See how they act around me.

I want to observe what the traits of someone who commits insurance fraud are. What someone who steals on a large scale looks like - with me as their victim. I want to see how they carry themselves, if they whisper to each other, what their attorney looks like, how they must have beat the crap out of their already beat up van.

I want to see how someone so immoral can live with themselves. I want them to look me in the eye and lie. It seems UNFATHOMABLE to me. If they are really able to do it, and with contempt, my idea of the human race will be destroyed.

My insurance rate will go up no matter what happens, and that is the least of my concern. This is the first time I've ever been in an accident, and I'm a very defensive driver.

Now I look around me, and seemingly normal people make me wonder...."are you one of THOSE?" I can't trust anyone that I don't know anymore? I go by instinct. When this happened, though...well, they were black and seemed poor, and not to trust them just because of that seemed wrong, right? How could I have known they'd do the wrong thing?

NOW what am I supposed to think? Do I have no choice but to be stereotypical, because that is EXACTLY what happened to me - the stereotypical crime. You can say it could have been anyone, but this has never happened to me before, so no, it wasn't just "anyone". This is all I have to compare it to for experience.

I guess from now on I'll have to assume EVERYONE will do the wrong thing. What a bitter, sad life that is to live.

ME! Why ME?

What lesson is God trying to teach me?

That liars and cheaters get ahead while victims like myself are punished?

Is there such a thing as karma? I believe in a higher power, and while bad things happen to good people, and if this is the worst thing I have to worry about, I do count myself lucky, but I still want to look these people in the eye. I want to know that there really is true evil out there in the world. People do bad things to other people for pure selfish reasons - because they're opportunitsts, and nothing more.

THAT is a lesson that would be well learned for me, because I have yet to believe that.

I thought there was good in everyone, but now...for the first time, I believe that I might have been wrong.

Can you tell I'm pissed? And the sad thing is, if all this goes to trial (will it?) and I'm put on the stand, what are the chances that it will come out I'm bipolar, and my testimony will mean nothing? I'm "mentally ill" anyway, people will think.

BUT. I'm also VERY convincing and very innocent-acting. I'm the kind of person people want to help, except THIS time. That's why it is totally blowing me away. They can't get away with it.

They just can't.

My Personality

I've exceeded my goal of showering this weekend.

I went to the mall and bought clothes, shoes, makeup, etc., and went to a Christmas party with Mark. For some reason, I was really shy. But everyone seemed to know each other - even the spouses. Mark is an "honorary" member of this company, so I knew no one, really.

I've found myself using Klonipin in the past few weeks in social situations instead of alcohol. When I'm uncomfortable in a situation, I take a few Klonipin so I'm not so anxious or nervous. But is that really what it's for? It's for panic attacks, not because I feel so shy. Last night I went to the bathroom and took a couple of them. It didn't help,'s not FOR that. I need to remember that. Klonipin does NOT work for uncomfortable social situations, and BOOM, the problem will be fixed.

Why HAVE I become so shy? I used to be a social butterfly. I used to get in trouble for it in school. I used to be this way at work, to where it affected my work in the past. I would have rather socialized than work all the time. Did it start with the Adderall? I loved being the center of attention. I craved it, and made sure I was. I don't cower in the corner, but I might sit in a chair quietly, making a comment here and again, but not really participating or talking to anyone in general. I didn't "hang out" with the women in the kitchen. I'm not a kitchen person.

Why has my personality changed so dramatically? The mood stabilizers? If so, I HATE it. I don't like who I am now. I liked who I WAS. I long to be that person again, but I only mean in social groups.

I spoke a lot more to the men than the women. I always do that. I picked the brain of the President who is a long-time Salesman. I talked to him a LOT about his career (he was probably the only person I really spoke to....) Maybe it was unfair of me to monopolize the President's time, but he was the only one I could relate to there. Ha, the President. He was just the Sales Partner at Mark's old company when Mark was the CTO. I don't see him in the same light as everyone else does.

They had a "Christian caterer" who said a prayer before we ate, and that always amazes me. We do that where I work, too. Jesus is mentioned many times during the prayer. No one even considers that someone might not be a Christian. I mean, someone could be Jewish, etc., but of course, no one is. I learned from the Big-5 that that is a HUGE no-no, but in a smaller environment, I guess it's okay? Personally, I really like it because I AM a Christian, but I'm also sensitive to other people's beliefs. So far, I hadn't seen anyone complain.

Thursday is my own work's Christmas party at my boss's house. It will be interesting to see what Mark thinks of my coworkers that I talk about ALL THE TIME. I will also be interested to see this house that I've heard so much about.

I have no idea why I'm so shy now. It seems like it started around the time I fell into the deep depression and was hospitalized in 2001. Could that be possible? And for some reason, it's so important that people think I'm "pretty". What's that all about?

I'll see how shy I am around people I actually know. The thing is, I'm even a little shy at work. So much so, that they don't even KNOW me really. They think I'm this perfect little goody two shoes who would never lie or hurt anyone intentionally or joke around at work. That's so not me. I mean, that's a really great person to be, but I DO joke around, I'm not a goody two shoes, and...well...I have a FUN personality.

I just don't show it. It just doesn't come out. I have no idea what happened to it. I want it back.

How do I get my personality back?


I can't believe this. I hit a car, and it was so insignificant that I just barely mentioned it in my blog (Horrible Day).

I find out yesterday that I'm being SUED for BODILY INJURY! Do you know what frickin' happened? I was at a 5-way stop, I had a green light and went, and somehow, the person to my left went too - they may have run a red light, and I hit the back of their van. I was driving Mark's tiny black convertible, and they had a huge bulky old van. The side of their bumper came off a little, and the man and woman got out of the van, the man popped the bumper back in place, I asked how to get to the street I needed to go after giving my info (why I didn't get their's, I have no clue. I'm an IDIOT, but see...I was lost), and now they claim they and their children have BODILY INJURY? Mark took his car to the insurance company where they took pictures of the front of the car (there are just a few slight scratches), and the insurance agent said it was totally fraudulent. The man and woman have hired an ATTORNEY! Just imagine...a very low to the ground small convertible bumping a large van high in the air. How could I hit anything but the bottom of their bumper?

I can't believe people take advantage of others like this. In my opinion, this is what happened. I was in an upscale neighborhood driving Mark's little convertible, and acted like the accident was no big deal. After giving them my info, I asked where my street because I was in a hurry and was late, they told me very nicely, and I went about my way. It was NO BIG DEAL, and I treated it as such. So...*I* think *they* think I'm some affluent person living in that neighborhood with money to burn, and they're opportunists. They were in a beat up old van, and were obviously not very wealthy (not like I am, either). The insurance guy said this happens all the time, and this is his job. The BAD part of this is that I have NO IDEA where I was so he can take pictures of the intersection. I was LOST! I wish he would just ask THEM, but of course, he wants it from ME. He said people actually get in accidents on PURPOSE for this very reason, and how that van and I both had green lights at the same time is STILL a mystery to me. I hate to say this, but it seems so stereotypical of this type of person, which is sad. I'd rather not think that way, but how can I not? I can't help thinking that if I hit a white woman in a Mercedes, this never would be happening. I know that's awfully racial and wrong, but I told Mark even before this happened "well, I bet my fender bender turns into a new car for them", meaning, they would exaggerate. But I wasn't talking about race, I was talking about people in general. I just didn't know it would be like THIS.

I had my phone interview, and in my opinion, it went HORRIBLY. I was all prepared to do what I told my candidates, but he took me off guard. He "negatively" interviewed me. Everything I said, he negated, and made me "sell" him on why I thought and said what I did. He argued with almost all I said, and I wouldn't even know how to prepare a candidate for an interview like this. But...all I do all day is "sell" to people, so it comes naturally. In the end, I did what I tell all of my candidates to do, and said "Is there anything in my background that concerns you and would keep me from getting this job?" He said just my 7 months of experience with SAP, but he wasn't the right person to test me on that, and if he didn't think I was a good candidate for the job, he wouldn't still be on the phone talking to me. He almost snapped it. WHY I would want to work for this man is beyond me. I felt NO CHEMISTRY whatsoever. Personally, I think *he* thinks it went pretty well. I have a personality that people think they just "click" with automatically, whether I feel it or not. I've been hired twice that way.

If I want to work with a jerk, I might as well stay where I am where my boss has chosen me to "mentor" (he's very good at what he does), and has actually listened to me in what I told him was inappropriate comments to make. I've noticed he has changed what he says and how he says it now. I've made 2 deals this month, I may make another one, and one more next month. These next two are speculation, of course. He said "You are really GOOD at this, KansasSunflower!" loudly in front of everyone, and I think everyone's jaw dropped because he never gives compliments. Yes, I am good at what I do and yes, people do like me. I'm only saying this because Mark has drilled it into my head for the last few days. :-)

I have a Christmas party to go to at one of Mark's business associate's house tonight (ugh), so I'd better head out and find a dress. I feel so fat today, too! AND I need to find that intersection.

If I'm actually called for a 2nd interview, I'll be shocked. I would hope I'm not except for one thing - it WOULD boost my ego a bit. I'm not calling my Recruiter for feedback, however. I'm leaving it as is.

I Hate My Boss

I hate my boss. He is rude and offensive and disrespectful. I got up and walked out at 5:00p (I know, normal working hours for most people, but not for us). I told him it was a rough day, signaling between he and I, because that is why I had a rough day - the communication between us was really rocky - and I'd come in refreshed tomorrow. He started saying what a good job I was doing, I said no, I wasn't, and left. He's a jerk. He can't just act and talk to me that way. Snap his fingers and raise his voice to me when he wants something or is trying to tell me something. He should ASK me. He should POLITELY tell me something, not dictate. He shouldn't be a jackass to me. I KNOW I should just let him go, not argue with him, but I can't help it. We just have this relationship where we start bickering, and I TOLD him today I couldn't work with him if he was like this every single day. Yes, I really told my boss, the director, the owner of three recruiting offices that. The thing is...if I left, I know he would really miss me.

My recruiter (haha, that sounds funny) called me today, just a day after she submitted my resume, and said the company wanted a phone interview on Friday with me. Have I even blogged about this? She found me on LinkedIn, and this is a job that has a great base salary (pays much more than what I'm being paid now), good commission, I'd be working from home 75% of the time, and traveling to their office 25% of the time (in Ohio). It's for SAP recruiting solely. She knows I wasn't looking for a job actively, and she's keeping tight reins on me. She's afraid I'm going to back out. We traded voicemails, but I never actually spoke to her. I think the times are either 9:00 or 2:00 on Friday, whichever I choose.

Mark didn't get the Minnesota job. They've been searching and interviewing for someone for a year, and they didn't decide to hire him. I now see why they've been searching and interviewing for this position for a year. They are too picky. To interview people for an entire year and be THAT picky as to not hire someone is ridiculous. get someone who isn't used to that climate to move to Minnesota - that's a HUGE culture change. Not a bad culture change, just a big one. I'm sure when it gets really cold, most people hate it like I hate it when we have day after day of over 100 degree weather. Mark was going to turn it down, anyway, but...I think it would have boosted his self esteem. I was going to try and make him take it. When I think about WHY I wanted him to take it...I wonder why that is. I'd like to make a brand new start somewhere, but maybe I could do that just by changing jobs?

And did I mention....I really hate my boss? I mean....I. REALLY. HATE. MY. BOSS. He's probably about the same as if Donald Rumsfeld were my boss. Whether you like Rumsfeld or not, would you really want him to be your BOSS?

I told my boss off!

I had a phone interview yesterday, but just with a Recruiter. It's for a pretty serious job and she really grilled me for a Recruiter. I was thinking "geez, just submit me already", but it wasn't like that. She was then satisfied that I was a great candidate for the job, and we hung up after about 15-20 minutes. I then get a call a few hours later asking where my education is on my resume. I had to tell her I didn't have a degree, and she said "I'll have to see if that's okay, but I'm sure it is...". Of course it is, I read the job description! Yes, it's something I will finish.

We're having an office Christmas party, and this will be interesting. Mark will get to meet all of these characters I've been telling him about (and writing about in my blog). SuperStar Account Manager that I CAN NOT STAND. I know I haven't been writing about him lately, but even though we work in different offices now, we STILL clash. I can't explain how we don't get along. We just don't, and because I sit right by my boss, he gets to hear all of my complaints, which goes straight to SuperStar Account Manager's ear. I know this and I don't care. He'll meet Bipolar Eating Girl and my boss, too. This will be interesting. He thinks my boss is a jerk and a loon.

Oh yeah! I told my boss about how he says inappropriate things in the office all of the time. He disagreed and asked me "Like what?". I started listing them out, like...asking my candidates if they were conservative or liberal, how old they were, if they were married, and saying "what ARE you?" instead of "where are you from?". (to foreign candidates. He shouldn't say anything at ALL, but I think it's rude to say "what ARE you". He said they should just say "Pakistani", and I said no, they could say 'from Pakistan', but I still think that's wrong.) He asked me "So what do you girls do, go to the bathroom and gossip about these things behind my back?", and I said "no, I hear it here, go straight home, and tell Mark, and that's where it ends." That was worse. He was mortified. He said "You go home and tell your HUSBAND? What do you tell him?". I told him "I say 'You won't believe what my boss said THIS time!". He got really embarrassed and I hurt his feelings, like I've never seen before. I felt really bad. He REALLY cares about what other people think of him. He was pretty rude to Bipolar Eating Girl, trying to take it out on someone, I guess, after that, and then he started calming down and actually got me a deal!

If you've been reading my blog, you know what a jerk he has been, how huge this is for me to tell him and his reaction. I was going to quit for awhile, and people told me to quit. I just tell him whatever now, but NOW, I see he is a real human being with feelings, and I have to be careful. I have found his vulnerable spot, and I don't want to humiliate him. Now when he meets Mark, seeing how mortified he was that I went home and told him about the stupid things he did and his reaction about what Mark might think of him, I need to be careful because he will remember what I told him. I really don't want to hurt him, even though he's almost made me cry more times than I can count.

IF Mark gets the job offer in Minnesota, which they said he would hear from him mid-week, but as a Recruiter, I know he may not hear from them until next week (if at all), he said we would only move if *I* just wanted to move to Minnesota. I think it's too good of a job for him to pass up, and may just say let's move there for his own good. The people are SO nice, I can get a job as a Recruiter SOMEHOW eventually, and I think I could get used to the cold (but not the nighttime cold).

I've got to get ready for work now...don't you think I'm better since I've been taking Abilify?


Well, I weighed this morning and am shocked beyond all belief. I only gained 2.5 pounds this month.

How can that be? I ate a TON of chocolate covered peanut butter balls, Thanksgiving dinner recycled over and over each night, huge meals when we were in Minnesota WITH dessert each night we were there. Breakfasts with 3 doughnuts, hashbrowns, eggs, you name it, while in Minnesota. (Man, I can't live there, can I?) I mean, I REALLY pigged out, worse than when I gained 11 pounds in 1 month.

You think I'm overexaggerating, and I have to put this into perspective to remind me I'm not. Mark ate LESS than I did, and he gained so much weight that he now weighs more than he ever has in his lifetime. Yes, I really ate that much. I say he ate "more than me". Let me analyze that. When we would have meals, he would eat everything on his plate. It's rare that I can eat everything on my plate except for breakfast when I'm famished. But other than that - any kind of sweet, I constantly ate, and ate constantly.

I don't get it. Except...I did keep exercising through the whole thing when I could. And I've practically starved myself for the past few days, but not enough to make myself lose like...10 pounds.

I'm going to chalk it up to exercising to keep myself in the gym. I only exercise 20-25 minutes a day during the week-days, but it MUST be doing something to my metabolism. Some people may be thinking "yeah, but you still GAINED 2.5 pounds". They simply don't understand how my body works. Eating like I did, I should have gained at least 10.

So that puts me at 128.5. I'm pretty happy with that. :-) No, I didn't lose any from last month's 126, but if I can get through the holidays and still be under 130, I will be satisfied. As a matter of fact, there's NO REASON why I shouldn't lose by next weigh-in.

Well...eating this month was fun while it lasted....back to work now!

Again, No Shower

It's Sunday night, 6:00p, and my one goal I have each weekend - to take a shower - has been neglected. Again. I got interested in a computer game, played it all weekend, and here it is, the night before I go back to work, and I'm "cramming" to get the laundry done.

Why do I do this? I mean, what would happen if I had KIDS? I had a dog, and he was well cared for, but that didn't mean that *I* took a shower.

I even spent hours trying to find a replacement for Morpheus (which I found!!), and I could have taken a quick shower, but no.

I won't even get STARTED on not actually DOING anything this weekend, again. My goal is to shower on Saturday and again on Sunday. That's not asking too much, is it?

THIS time, I'll blame "charging my batteries" from my trip Sunday - Tuesday.

I'm not tired. I never took a nap. As a matter of fact, I stayed up past midnight last night. I was up by 8:00a every morning.

I don't think I'd feel so bad about it, but Mark has been lamenting that he hates the weekends for the past hour because he doesn't do anything. I said I was so sorry, I should be more entertaining, and he said like what? We could go dress shopping? I was insulted, but I'm not sure why. I responded we should go to the movies like we used to every weekend, but he just repeated his "dress shop" comment. I don't even know where he got that term. *I* never say "dress shop". It sounds like a sweat shop that makes dresses. I say the name of the boutique store usually, like Ann Taylor's or Banana Republic, or just "the mall".

So THIS is why I feel 5000% worse. Not only do I feel responsible for myself, I feel responsible for how he feels, too. Like I'm his frickin entertainment guide. I've always been that for us. He rarely picks out things for us to do. If we go to a movie, the theater, a concert, ANYTHING, it's at my prodding. So I don't know why he's complaining, and I don't know why I feel SO DAMN GUILTY.

He could have gotten up and gone somewhere on his own, or asked ME if I wanted to go to the movies, right?

Man, guilt will eat me alive one day. I feel guilt about EVERYTHING in my life. And I don't just "get over it".

Yes, I get this way at work, too. And you know what? My boss LOVES it. I think he's secretly sadistic. He uses it to manipulate me.

Making me feel guilty (shhhh) is the easiest way to get me to do anything.

But for right now, I guess I'd better go take a damn shower.

And maybe a klonipin. I'm starting to panic a bit for some bizarre reason. The guilt is really bad.

Coincidence, but....

While Mark and I consider moving to Minnesota without him having an offer of a job there quite yet, I got a strange call from a Recruiter out of the blue.

I've been worrying about where I would work in this small town of 80,000 in Minnesota due to IT Recruiter jobs not being plentiful (alright, let's face it, they aren't even "existent" there).

She wants to know if I would be interested in a SAP Recruiter's job working remotely from home, making much more than I make now. She sent me the company info and job requirements (which are tough), so I know it's real. I'd been told that knowing how to recruit for SAP is a lucrative skill to have, I just didn't know it was THAT coveted. I've started wondering if my boss knows how valuable this is (the time it takes to learn, IF you can, because I swear some Recruiters in the office just don't "get it"), and how much he would like to train someone new if I were to leave, not that I would threaten, but you get what I'm saying....

She sent me the requirements and the company's information, and I admit, the job sounds tough to get. I'm not a "perfect match", and will have to work on my resume, but I do have almost all of it, and the most important part, of course: SAP.

Don't you find that coincidental?

The only thing is...I'm learning as a Recruiter while Mark is job hunting. He interviewed in Minnesota last Tuesday, HR told him a $ figure after the interview and said they'd be in touch mid-week, and now...we're thinking of all kinds of reasons we should NOT move to Minnesota. Had they struck while they were "hot", it might have been different. I've always been told this as a Recruiter. "Keep your candidates warm". His Recruiter (not HR at the company, who he talks to), NEVER calls him. She called him about the job, then he didn't hear from her for a month, until a day AFTER he interviewed in Minnesota. That's not how it's supposed to be. She should have been "selling" him on this job and Minnesota at least twice a week from the beginning.

Now we've been left to ponder and realize and think about all of these things:

1. The cold weather

2. Mark's gotten a call for a similar job with the same pay (finally) in our OWN town.

3. A small town - what happens if we bought a house there and for some reason he lost his job?

3. Will our house sell?

4. Will they offer enough money for us to move and sell our house, as they've stated it's all in a sign on bonus?

5. If it's a sign-on bonus, it must be taxed. And since it's taxed, it will be at least 1/3 less of what he's given. Shouldn't that be considered and included in the sign on bonus?

6. Temporary housing until we find a place.

7. What if Mark hates his job and we're stuck there because we can't repay the sign on bonus?

8. Mark has never lived outside of the metroplex - never further than about 40 miles from his parents. He never mentions it, and we don't see them often, but isn't that a security blanket?

All of this is pure speculation (except the weather), but you see...a candidate shouldn't be allowed to go for days to "speculate". They should be "sold" and "resold". All of these things could be moot, but without someone telling us, how do we know?

Leaving my job and the people here don't scare me. The only person I've told asked me "what if you and Mark break up?". Mark is the only person in my life, so whether I'm here or in Minnesota, it would be the same.

Until next week, I'm having fun trying to sound like I live in Minnesota. :-) "Don'cha know?" "You betcha!" "That's just SUPER!" (I don't know if Minnesotans actually say these things or the way I try to say them.) Mark is a dork. He pretends and says his sentences with the word "eh?" at the end. I keep telling him "That's CANADA!!!", but he says he doesn't know how else to pretend (and I guess the poor thing wants to play, too) :-)

And we're reading about Minnesota. Did you know that in Minneapolis some radio station offered a Playstation 3 to any family that let them have their child for a day, and there were TAKERS? Like...even parents of a 3 month old baby? And then, when the radio hosts said it was a JOKE, they didn't realize people would actually do it, the same people got MAD? No, I'm not saying this would only happen in Minneapolis because I don't know the people in Minneapolis well enough, just that we're following the news.

Do you know how you search for radio stations when you're driving through a new part of the country? WHY are there so many country-western stations in Minnesota? I live in Texas, and I honestly think there are more country-western radio stations in Minnesota than there are here in the metroplex. It boggled my mind. Do they actually two-step in Minnesota? Have they heard of it? Or do they just line dance? (haha, funny to me, but maybe only to a Texan. OMG, I just called myself a Texan - I mean, a Kansan transplanted to Texas) I haven't even listened to country music since the early 90's - in the Garth Brooks days. I actually HEARD a Garth Brooks song in Minnesota that I hadn't heard in years and had to stop searching for a station and listen to it. Mark just rolled his eyes at me as I happily sung along as it snowed. I had a pretty good day that day.

As you can tell, I'm not well traveled. I've been to Canada, loved it. Bahamas, loved it. I've been to several states, but not a lot. That's why Minnesota is so intriguing. I want to know WHY and HOW.

You have to admit - Texas and Minnesota would be a culture change, as far as one within the US is concerned.

Other than that, I'm just sitting on my butt today, Saturday, trying not to think of work! A coworker told me that she was trying to get back with her abusive ex-husband. That brought back painful memories. Why are the worst relationships you're in the hardest to let go? Or is it when a nice girl dates what turns out to be such a bad boy? And what do you do when the bad boy just won't leave you alone, and you're not 100% strong? I'm glad it's been 9 or 10 years for me. I can't believe it's been so long. It seems like yesterday. Thank God it wasn't.

My Trip to Minnesota

Who sees this in a neighborhood?

I was in Minnesota while Mark and I were looking at real estate, I looked up, and was speechless. I said "There's a Reindeer, I mean an elk!". Hell, I didn't know what it was - we were in a NEIGHBORHOOD! I live in a major metropolitan city in the south, and sometimes we see rabbits, frogs and turtles, but that's about it. Mark said "That's a DEER. (Right? Isn't it a deer?) Why don't you have your camera ready? It's just standing there posing for you". So, I took a couple of pictures. I think he/she is SO cute. :-) I think it's the ears and the "schnout".

The city we visited was over 2 hours north of the Twin Cities, and it snowed like crazy while we were there. I NOW see why everything is shut down in Texas when it does get icy. My city, which has millions of people, has ELEVEN sand trucks. In Minnesota, the snow plowing and sanding is constant. Mark didn't have any trouble driving on the snow whatsoever, and was very impressed. Everywhere we looked, there were snowplows and sanders.

Can you believe we were only 100 miles from Canada? People were telling me they went to Canada all the time. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?

I kept seeing signs everywhere that said "no hockey sticks allowed in building". What's up with that?

People in Minnesota, especially where we were, are SO NICE. A man held the door for us and said "Welcome to Minnesota. Have yourselves a great day!". As IF that would EVER happen here? We couldn't figure out if he was just being funny, or if we looked different and he was being serious.

The houses in this town..well...they just sucked. I want MY house, MY home, but there, if I am going to move there. I don't want any of the crappy houses the real estate lady showed me the whole day she took me around town. I know she ended up thinking I was a snob because I turned my nose up at everything, but I'm used to homes being made of BRICK. There, all of the homes are made of WOOD. I want a brick house, but that's not the norm. I don't understand it. Why would wood be warmer than brick? She kept talking about a "brick facade". I don't want that. She laughed at me when I asked if everyone had to shovel their own sidewalks. How the hell do I know? She even thought it was amusing when I asked how often you have to get your house painted. I don't find that an amusing question, do you? I asked if you could tell the difference between siding and a painted house, and did it make a difference in cost, and she said you could tell the difference, and left it at that.

So what's the difference? I see that you don't have to keep painting your house? And some of thte houses that I did like, well...the colors of the houses were ugly. We discussed that and she just kept saying I could have a sunny yellow house, but I don't want a sunny yellow house. I want my brick house.

So...yes, Mark will probably be made an offer to join the firm in Minnesota. It will all depend on the relo package, if we think our house will sell, and, well...if I want to go. Both the company's HR person and his recruiter have told him he'll be made an offer next week more than likely - the paperwork just takes time (and I know that's not a lie from being a recruiter).

I'm thinking maybe I can ask my boss if he'll let me work in Minnesota for the company I currently work. I won't be sitting next to him, but I'll be working from home which is hard for me. At least we'll have my income still coming in. The only person at work that I've told about it said she thought he would do it - it was actually her idea.

I just wonder if I'll get big and fat in MN, get lazy about my appearance (makeup and clothes), and all of that. I know it sounds so materialistic, and the people there are SO DARNED NICE! (They're just SUPER!) :-)

Mark has a few more options in our city, so we'll see how those pan out before next week.

Here's a few more pics:

This is the bridge that goes up and down as ships go to the port. I was stuck as the the bridge was up while a ship went under it for about 15 minutes with the wretched "real estate lady".

This is the only possibility of a house I could find. It's a model home, and the inside is very similar to what we have now, but the woodwork is nicer, and the price is similar. It just doesn't LOOK like it though! :(

In Minnesota

My God is it cold!

They've told me I've come at the coldest time because of some cold front, but geez Louise. It's all I can bear. Comparing it to Texas heat though...sometimes I think the same thing, but this is actually painful. But, the other sucks all of the energy out of me, so I don't know which is worse.

The plane ride was interesting. We were offered upgrades to 1st class when we went to get our tickets, and we thought, "well, this is already a free trip, why not pay for first class?" and did it. As we were taxi-ing off the runway, I realized, like an IDIOT, I'm AIRSICK. Worse than anyone I've ever known. So when I could, I grabbed my purse, took 8 (yes, you read that right) klonipin, and 1/4 Seroquel. It didn't really phase me except chill out my panic attack, and I didn't get air sick. We had a great meal on the plane, a nice time, and then we hit that Minnesota wind!

We arrived at the Twin Cities, and then drove 2 hours to our destination. It was already dark, but oh my, the town is BEAUTIFUL. I was beside myself. And all of the cute little downtown shops! We went to a nice Italian restaurant, drank a bottle of wine, and here I am typing my entry.

We've had a really good day.

I called my boss after deciding who to "jinx" (man I still feel horrible about that) but forgot to say WHEN I would be back in the office. Guess I need to do that now. I left a message for him on his work machine. Very cowardly. I plan on working tomorrow from the hotel.

So far, I love Minnesota and their cute little accents. Do you know they say "pop" instead of soda? (giggle) As in..."the pop machine is down the hall". It reminds me of the accent in Fargo, except very much muted.

What's weird is, and I started noticing this BEFORE we got on the plane, is that women in Minnesota don't wear very much makeup? I wonder why that is. Compared to me, it looks like they wear NO makeup. Is it the weather? And I think I'm a bit overdressed, which is weird, becuase I thought I was dressed DOWN for the plane. I think it's metro-Texas vs. Minnesota. Please correct me if my initial assessment is wrong.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's Mark's interview day, and he's excited. He just wants an OFFER, whatever that might be, to boost his self esteem. I think he would love to move here, but he hasn't said that yet. I don't have enough data yet, but it would be nice to have a brand new beginning, and I'm leaving nothing behind in Metro-Texas.

We went to this AWESOME restaurant for dinner...I think I could get used to this. :-)

I'll post pictures once it's daytime and I get a chance to take them!

Wishy Washy

I'm obsessed with everything JOHN MAYER all of a sudden! Yes, music is back for me, but thank God, it's on a positive "note". It's not NIN or Creep, or anything like that. Just good, little John Mayer who only means well. :-) He's let his hair grow out so he looks older and not like he's 12, which is good! How old do you think he really is? I love Why Georgia and Waiting on the World to Change (that is SO how I felt politically). The video for "Your Body is a Wonderland" was where I first saw him years ago, and I remember thinking "wow, they're getting younger and younger". He's adorable, and so sweet.

Mark's interview in Minnesota is Monday, and now I'm not sure if I should go with him. What are the chances he'll accept the job? And I really need to be at work. But I don't want to waste the plane ticket, and if he does want to accept it, do I want to agree to it with the town being sight unseen? I have so much to do at work!!! And I'll have to lie to my boss! I guess I'll go, but I just hope I'm not stuck in the hotel room all day during his ENTIRE DAY interview - #4. What if it's like...15 degrees for the high when I'm there? I TOTALLY will not know what to do. Maybe weather shouldn't be such a big deal, but 32 degrees for a low is a BIG BIG DEAL in Texas. A possible "hard freeze" is broadcast everywhere.

I still have to figure out what lie to use. My grandmother is sick? My Dad? Who? No matter what I say, I feel like I'm jinxing someone.

Mark and I are going to look at cars today. If the car I want is still available, I'll take pics of it and post it on my site and see if anyone likes it or hates it and get some feedback.
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