Is it the Abilify?


I feel so sick, but not like I'm "sick" sick. For example, I I feel really dizzy and have a headache. On top of that, I slept in until 10:30a this morning! I NEVER do that! The latest I ever sleep in is 8:30. Plus, I know how important sleep/wake patterns are for bipolars, and I'm very careful about that. Anything at all that could be a "trigger", I *try* to stay away from if possible, if I'm conscious of it and think ahead.

However, usually Mark will go to bed with me around...say...9:30 - 10:00. Since I've been playing my new game, World or Warcraft, I lose track of time, and all of a sudden, it's midnight, and I gripe at him, saying "Why didn't you TELL me what TIME it was???". So stupid, as if it's his fault I stayed up so late. So I get up to go to bed, and of course, he follows.

But, in addition, I've been out of the 10mg of Abilify, and have 15mg. I've been cutting those in approximately half (who can do it exactly?) and taking that instead in the the mornings. No, it's not because I don't have insurance, it's because I'm just lazy. I'm going to call in a refill today.

Could the Abilify be making me feel sick?

I can't even play my game I feel so sick! But again, not like I'm "sick". It wouldn't take much to throw up, though.

While I've been working from home, I've hardly done any work. I just played that stupid game instead, telling myself people were hardly working or were out of the office this week anyway. I plan on staying home until Wednesday, though. Why go in Monday, New Year's Eve, when truthfully, most people really will have taken the day off? I feel guilty calling people about jobs during the holidays - like I'm bothering them, unless they have posted their resumes on a job board. I DO have to respond to work emails, of course.

I don't think I can be very productive working from home, this week has taught me. OR, I'm isolating myself?

Part of it might be because I've gained weight and really don't want to be seen in public. Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think I'm hideous. It's like....I always feel extreme one way or the other about it. Either I feel like I look FABULOUS and people love me, or I feel like I'm hideous and should hide myself, away from "public viewing". Right now, I don't feel suitable for "public viewing". My hair needs highlighting and cut and gosh darnit, I need to take off those pounds! It's like, I got married October 26th, started a new job on November 3rd, and then packed on the pounds! I guess they could be holiday pounds?

I know I've said this a million times, but my counselor, the one who wouldn't "accept" me because she said I had to many "chemical issues", said it was very common for bipolars to think in extremes like that, and that it had to be learned that being "okay" (just okay) was....okay. But, like I said, without saying so much, she made it pretty clear that she thought my issues were chemical and not something she could help me with in therapy.

I tried to fit into my clothes to go to dinner with Mark last night, and I put on about 5 different outfits and was horrified that none of them fit. Sure, I could get them on and zipped, but you could see my "muffin top" through my shirt, or at least I could because I knew it was there.

I have drastically changed how much and what I eat. The dizziness and "sickness" feeling has helped in that area.

My eye is twitching a lot lately too. Doesn't that mean stress or anxiety?

I'm falling apart.

FAT - For Real


I've been working from home all this week, and it's been difficult to get anything done. Actually, there isn't much TO get done, as a lot of people are out of the office, and I have someone working on the technology that I have the most openings for me. I feel REALLY guilty about it, but I guess it's the week between Christmas and New Year's, and pretty typical? The Wednesday after Christmas, I went into the office bright and early, and was out of there by 10:30a.

So what have I been doing? Alternating being working and playing World of Warcraft. When I bought the game, I bought this huge strategy guide with it that has maps, etc., along with it, and I'm totally addicted. People online are SO nice.

Except - I get motion sick, and the game makes me nauseous. VERY much so. It actually puts me in bed for hours. I've thought about taking Dramamine to play, but I always think of it AFTER I get sick, by then, it's too late to take anything. I'm hoping I just get used to it.

I weighed myself this morning, and was shocked beyond belief. I'm up to 145. 145!!! I did so well on my new "diet" today, and if anything got me motivated to lose weight, that certainly did. I have gained SO MUCH WEIGHT since starting my new job, or has it been since increasing my Abilify? I have no idea! I also increased my Seroquel, but altogether, I think I've gained 15-20 pounds since around June-August. No, I cannot wear most of my clothes.

I feel SO insecure around Mark now. He gets up and runs every morning, and has gone from 210 to 167, but has done so with a LOT of work. All the while, I've been GAINING weight. He probably finds me unattractive now, and I think he looks really good since he's been exercising, not that he didn't before he started. What if he finds someone else, especially while he's in Illinios?

Like I said, I'm extremely insecure right now about my appearance. I need to get my hair highlighted/cut, I guess buy some new clothes that fit until I lose weight, and some casual winter shoes to wear with jeans (I only have dress shoes or sandals). I know this sounds incredibly shallow, but outward appearances are very important to Mark, too. He still tells me how attractive I am (if I ask), but he said that when I weighed 20-25 pounds more than I do NOW, and I don't think he actually did.

I have a lot of anxiety right now, but I don't know if it's from work, from gaining weight, from too much coffee, from phentermine, or what? I might stop taking klonipin when I feel anxious because when I feel that way, I won't eat.

Drywall - Sonic or McDonald's? Office Space


Mark and I got into the silliest argument on the way to his parent's house, and I just KNEW he was wrong! In Office Space, when Lawrence (the guy with the long hair who lives next door) says he has to get up early in the morning to drywall - where does he say he has to drywall? A new Sonic, or a new McDonald's? Well, I could have SWORN he said Sonic, and Mark said it was McDonald's. I swore up and down he said Sonic, trying to get him to bet me, but he wouldn't. When we got home, one of the first things he did was fast forward to that part in the movie, and what did he say? ....McDonald's. I was in shock. It was like I was hearing voices!!!! What Lawrence ACTUALLY says is below. Along with "I'm going to NEED you to come in tomorrow, so if you could be in around 9, that would be GREAAAAAAT, mmmmmmmkay?"

Mark and I got into a huge fight yesterday, and I still don't know what it was about. Respecting or caring about his feelings is all I know - and I wasn't doing it, but I had just woken up and gotten out of bed, came down and sat on the couch, and that was about it. He actually took the little desk/tray I had given him for his birthday years ago and slammed it into the ground, breaking pieces of it off. The rest of the day was tense.

I made Christmas dinner yesterday - turkey, potatoes, stuffing, green beans, rolls, gravy...I guess that's about it. Then, per tradition, Mark cleans the kitchen, but there was hardly anything to clean, so he was happy.

About all I do now - all I want to do, is play World of WarCraft. I bought myself the game for "Christmas", along with this 100-page guide written in teeny tiny letters, and have become obsessed! I just joined a "guild" last night, where the leader used to be on a MUDD like I was many years ago. (A Role Playing Game, *RPG*, before graphics was invented, so it was text only). They only allow those over 20 into their guild, so that's a relief.

But, for me, ANY chance I get to escape reality is a good thing, and I don't know why that is. If I'm not playing the Sims (another RPG, basically), I'm doing something else. And I know if I'm not careful, WoW will consume my life, just like MuDD did way back when with catastrophic results. I pride myself on not being addicted to anything (although I don't count psychiatric drugs and their physical dependencies), yet I know I do with RPG's, and I can get SO hooked, yet I let myself.

I REALLY don't want to go back to work, and I REALLY don't want to go back into the office. Today will be the first day I'll be sharing an office with Chatty Girl, and I don't have my headset yet. I ordered it online - 2 day delivery, but I just ordered it yesterday (Christmas Day). She supposedly has one already, so if I just use the handset, we should be good to go, right?

I have no idea if I'll be able to get any work done.

Guess I'd better start getting ready for work - with Chatty Girl in the same office as me - hell on earth.

Best of Office Space II (including Drywall Scene):

Never Again!

Just as expected, going over to Mark's parents for New Year's Eve was a NIGHTMARE. Just us sitting there watching kids open presents, bored to tears. For about 2 hours, at least. We had a great meal beforehand, but it was just out of control. We have no kids, and I bought these stupid gift cards (one less present for them to open, thank God) for them. We couldn't leave because our car was blocked in by other people's cars.

Mark had been feeling frustrated that he was giving and giving, and not getting anything back (from me). He DOES do a lot around the house, and I hardly do anything. So I told him the ONLY REASON I was going was because he did so many loving things, and this was my way of giving back. But my Lord, I don't know that I'll ever want to go back.

What's worse? His mother is planning a stupid, frickin' reception for us - Jan 13th or something like that. I'm supposed to invite my friends, which I haven't. His mother invited ALL OF THE CHILDREN to a wedding reception!!! I just want to die. I don't want to go. I keep putting it off in my mind, like it doesn't exist. Can I just say I don't want one? I am working too much or something?

I ordered a $300 headset for work today, so that will be my Christmas present, besides the big screen television we're buying. Mark bought a $650 suitcase, so that's his Christmas present. Ha! We're calling our recent large purchases "Christmas presents". I will NEVER "skip Christmas" the way I did this year.

My Dad sent me an email saying he hoped I had a good Christmas, etc. etc., he couldn't send me a gift, and so forth, etc. It was nice he sent something at all. I need to respond. I didn't send him anything - not even a card. I'm TELLING you - I didn't do ANYTHING for ANYONE. I totally skipped Christmas this year!

My Grandma, living on Social Security, taped a $20 bill inside a Christmas card, and Mark told me to send it back to her. How can I do that? That would hurt her feelings. I said maybe, instead, I would buy her something with it and send it to her. He said she can't afford to send me $20. Of course I don't need the money, but it's the thought that counts, and it's a HUGE thought coming from her. She's a doll.

I'm making turkey, dressing, potatoes, green beans, rolls and gravy for Christmas lunch/dinner tomorrow, so I need to get to bed, but I'm not even tired. I keep playing World of Warcraft, and keep dying!

Is it a bipolar symptom that I skipped out on Christmas this year? What happened to my Christmas spirit? Where did it go?

Man I don't want a wedding reception from his family with the KIDS invited.....just send me to hell already.....

Nothing against kids!! But you don't UNDERSTAND! They are so high maintenance, you can't have a conversation, it's just impossible, I'd rather not drive for an hour for something so....hell, inconsiderate. They are completely inconsiderate of our feelings.

I'm NOT going back to his parent's house. He can scream all he wants, but I'm just not.

Grinch for Christmas


Merry Christmas Eve!

Ha - as if I'm in the "Christmas spirit" : ) I was actually crying last night because, as I told Mark, it seemed as though we had "skipped" Christmas. I felt so empty and like I had missed out on something - everything.

We decided to buy a big screen television for the living room as "our Christmas present" this year. We haven't bought it yet.

There are no wrapped presents, no Christmas tree, I didn't decorate the house or the stairs, and we didn't even get each other a Christmas card!

We literally "skipped Christmas" this year, and I was crying about it last night. I felt so empty and like I had really screwed up and it was too late to go back and fix it.

We went to dinner last night at about 6 or 7, and I wanted to go to an electronics store. He said it was Sunday, and they would be closed. I said "on the Sunday before Christmas? Are you crazy? They'll be open until midnight!". He didn't believe me, and drove by "just to prove I was wrong". Well guess who was proven they were wrong? Yep, he was, of course.

We selected the television we wanted, but decided to wait until after Christmas to buy it, hoping there would be a sale. I bought (and don't laugh) World of Warcraft because I am SO BORED, and used to be HOOKED to an RPG when only text was available. I actually MET people through that game in my area. Man, that was probably 13-14 years ago? I get the concept, it's just that WATCHING things die on my screen instead of imagining it in my mind is quite a different thing. People sure ask, in general, for others to join their "guilds" all the time.

I HAVE to go to Mark's parent's house today. He guilted me into it. I HATE going over there. They're all nice enough, but annoy me to NO END. It used to be that I could CHOOSE if I wanted to go or not, and Mark said he wouldn't push me to go. But now that we're married, he said it's all changed, I'm "part of the family", and they will expect me to be there. After living together for 9 years, suddenly the dynamics have changed? Why should that be just because we got married? MAN I hate going over there. They have a pretty house, they all talk to me and are nice, but it's all the kids (babies), and just little comments here and there, it really annoys me. And it's a fricking road trip to get there, even though they live in the metroplex.

And the KIDS (again). His family decided Christmas is for kids. Again, we have no kids, so there is no reciprocation of gifts. I took everyone's advice and bought the 5 children $50 gift certificates to Macy's each. That should be okay, right? I don't know if they have toys there or not, but at least their parents can buy them an outfit or pair of shoes - whatever.

Mark is STILL not happy or "sold" on my idea to get the gift certificates. Yet *I* was in charge of their Christmas gifts. See why I'm grinchy?

Why God, oh why do I have to go to his family's? I'm in SUCH a bad mood over it.

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch - Enjoy!

The Resume

Mark was changing the "look and feel" of the Tivo options on television, and I told him to put them back the way they were, because I knew how to navigate my way through them the old way. We just GOT a new system about a month ago, and now that I've figured it out (kind of), he wants to change it? Do you know what he ACTUALLY SAID TO ME???

"You're acting like you're 40...50 years old" because I didn't want it be changed.

He started OUT with "40 years old", and said it like it was a bad thing. I will be 40 in 8 months! He recognized his mistake quickly and changed it to 50, but it was too late. And even that offended me. How old is he? 31 - will be 32 in May. Just being with him makes me feel old. I wouldn't go out with him for the longest time because I told him he was JUST TOO YOUNG. He wouldn't listen, though, and kept flirting and asking me out until I said okay, I'll go out with you AS FRIENDS for your BIRTHDAY. And that's how the whole thing started. I never intended to be with someone so young. It just happened. The sad thing? He's more mature than I am, and we both know it. He takes care of me physically, but I'd like to think I take care of him emotionally.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine sent her husband's resume to me because he was terminated from his job in Iraq. Of course, he was making an inflated amount of money because of where he was working, but now he expects the same salary.

The resume she sent me SUCKS. There are misspelled words, the formatting is different in areas, the sentences don't even make sense, and his skills are.....simple. She complained that he was only getting calls/emails regarding short term contracts, and he didn't want that. Since I recruit for mainly the DC area, I asked (knowing I didn't have a job for him) if he would consider relocating to DC. She said he said if they would pay him $180k/annually! In my opinion, he'd be lucky to get $40k perm - maybe $25/hr contract!

I started to "fix" his resume, and Mark told me to stop. We have a conflict of interests here - I'm a Recruiter, he's a Hiring Manager. He said it's "window dressing", and he would want to know what he's getting. I think...why not get his foot in the door somewhere, not that his skills would get his foot very far. But...he's gotten a job before, he'll get one again. He just won't make $68k like he did in Iraq, when he made $35k before that. But should I be the one to tell them to be realistic in case he does get a smaller offer? Perhaps not - what if he really does get an offer around what he wants because he's a US Citizen with gov't experience?

They're being very snobby about the whole thing, when they should be more gracious and hopeful he'll find something. They live in Nowhere, KS, but are willing to relo. I told them that they will NOT find a place with a cheaper cost of living, so they expect to be compensated for that.

I'm hoping the longer he goes without a job, the more they recognize reality. But...I'm hoping he doesn't go long without a job period. It's just....it's frustrating when people have unrealistic expectations. I go through this EVERY DAY - people not knowing the market and thinking they're worth more than they are. People I could actually PLACE in JOBS, but in the beginning, they're so stubborn, thinking they can "hold out". Maybe eventually a company comes along who needs a very specific skill that they just happen to have and are willing to pay what they want? I have no idea what happens, but I do follow up sometimes just to see. They end up taking jobs, but of course, I can't ask "What are you being paid?". I just say "If you'd ever consider a career with 'Company Name', I'll send my contact information to you again, and please give me a call! And if you know any.....". People eat that up - everyone likes to have an option.

Other than that, I'm miserable today. I'm "hormonal", and it's affecting me physically. I just feel yucky and achy. I need to go buy a new tire after my flat tire disaster yesterday, but I just can't do it. Mark said my spare tire was "directional" and it was being ruined because it was on the wrong side. I've never heard of such a tire?

Guess I'll go take some Midol...

Flat Tire. :/

I was working from home today, and during "work hours", I jumped in my car to head to the pharmacy to pick up my klonipin. What do you think happened a few MILES from home?

I had a FLAT TIRE on the hightway! One of those where your car is shaking, you hear a kaboom, and you think you're driving on your wheel. It sounds more dramatic than it was, but that's what happened. I had to wait until I found an exit because there was no room on the side of the road, and then find a place to pull over once I was off the highway.

Maybe some people don't think that's much of a big deal, but I have NO clue how to change a tire. LUCKILY I brought my cell phone, LUCKILY Mark isn't in Illinois this week, and LUCKILY he answered. He said he would come and change my tire. Had he not been in town? I guess I would have called road-side service?

So there I was, trying to go to the stupid pharmacy for 2 hours, while I'm supposed to be, at the very least, "manning my email box".

On top of THAT, I had to run to the doctor's office and pick up an Adderall prescription by 4:30p, so that was another hour and a half of the work day I missed. Just not good! The office is 27 miles from where I live!

Yes, I missed responding on some important emails, but that just couldn't be helped.

NOW I have to go and buy a tire! What a pain.

And I STILL have to get Mark something for Christmas. But what?

Josh Groban

Have you heard Josh Groban's "I'll Be Home For Christmas" recording yet? Wow. He comes out of nowhere with these incredible songs that blow me away.

If you don't know who Josh Groban is, you actually probably do if you watch American Idol. Many of the boys/men try to sing one of my all-time fave songs of his "You Raise Me Up" in their auditions (and many do a decent job), but they're just not Josh.

So I saw Barry Manilow this year - fab concert. (yes, I know, more than a little dorky). In one hand, Barry Manilow. In the other, the chance to see Josh Groban sing "You Raise Me Up". Which would I choose?

Why, Josh Groban! I've already seen Barry Manilow! (haha, trick question!) ;)

Here's a GREAT recording of "You Raise Me Up":

ZERO Christmas

I've done ZERO Christmas shopping, ZERO Christmas decorating, ZERO anything Christmas. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. I'm not down or depressed about it, I just feel nothing, no excitement whatsoever, and no motivation to do anything about it. I should at least buy Mark something to open at Christmas, but what? He just bought himself a $650 suitcase, and we're planning on buying a new plasma television for Christmas. I need to buy my husband SOMETHING on our first Christmas since we've been married, but what? Something cheesy like "our first Christmas", when we've lived together for 9 years, and been together for 10?

Now I feel REALLY bad about my previous post. I stayed home from work today to give Chatty Girl some privacy on our first day of sharing an office, and she sent me the sweetest emails.

She brought us some Clorox wipes to clean our desks, brought desk mats for BOTH of us, and said she missed me today. AND she's already bought a headset. She also apologized to me if she made me feel bad, and said that she was excited about us sharing an office, as well as being glad we had each other, and glad that we started together on the same day. I'm a horrible person, aren't I?

I've been taking my Seroquel along with cold medicine WAY early in the evenings because I've been DEAD tired, and then eating the whole house. I ate so much last night that I woke up with a stomach-ache! I took 3 Tums immediately. Then I thought what the heck, because I ate so poorly and so much last night (even a spoonful of powdered sugar! Seroquel really messes me up!), and ordered a chicken biscuit for breakfast. So not healthy or low cal/low fat! When I hit 140, I'm going to be SO depressed, and it's right around the corner, if I'm not already there....

I'm really bored staying home today! There's not much going on at work today - I've called tons of people about jobs, and I just don't know that there's anyone left for me to call. That was a stupid statement, of COURSE there is, I just need to use a different method, but I'm not motivated right now.

How motivated am I? I'm doing LAUNDRY instead of working - well, off and on. I have to check my email and make calls here and there. That's pretty bad when I'm doing laundry instead of working.

I'm praying that the cleaning company doesn't come TODAY and is supposed to come next Thursday, because I don't want to get caught in this messy house in my sweats without a shower!

I don't know if I have any Bipolar symptoms or not. I've been so tired, but I've also been sick for over 2 weeks, and have worked so much harder than I should have. I'm definitely not buying anything, not angry or grouchy, just....

here.

Sharing Offices

I met my Manager face to face today, and she's really nice. She said a lot of good things to me about my performance, which made me feel great. Sometimes when people say good things to me about myself, I wonder...how much of it is really true? But I suppose when it comes to work, or at least in my work environment, they wouldn't pass out the compliments unless they were true. She actually called me a "great recruiter" in a sentence among other nice things, but that was the one that made me feel the best. : )

NOW Chatty Girl has decided to complain that we have to share an office. Hello? Have we not known this for several days now? Why is she panicking all of a sudden? She said that she interviews people with the door shut and on speakerphone because of her neck - she has bulging discs, she says. So, obviously she can't lean over with the phone on her ear and type or write while talking/listening. I've actually been wondering why my neck has been so sore lately - NOW I KNOW!

Anyways, she keeps talking about getting a headset. SO GO GET ONE, ALREADY, and shut the hell up! She said she only has half of one. Like I care? Go buy a whole one since it means SO GOSH DARNED MUCH TO YOU! The world is ending - do what you have to do.

I decided I was going to go and buy a cordless headset. That should rock! I hate headsets that mess up your hair and have a cord attaching you to the phone when you're not on it. Yes, they're expensive, but I still want one anyway.

So about going to the computer store together...yeah. I'll write down the model # of my phone, and go buy the cordless headset. Would it be bluetooth? Heck, I don't know. She's always talking like she and her husband have SO much money...well, she shouldn't say a single WORD when I spend that money for the headset. If she complains, I'll just say "shut the hell up" and buy her one too! haha - I would never say "shut the hell up" to her....yet. I haven't been stuck in an office with her for 6 months yet.

She's already talking NOW about working from home some of the time because we'll be sharing an office. Can you tell she's been WHINING??? The only good thing she really said was...at least we like each other. haha....yeah, sure we do. (wink) I actually don't like her, but Mark says of course I don't - there's always SOMEONE in the office that I have to dislike and drives me nuts.

Once again, tonight, I am TIRED, and BORED, and really feel like my cold is getting WORSE. I keep sneezing.

Should I take my meds early and go to bed at 7:00p, way early again? Do you know that even though I went to bed at 6:30p last night, I couldn't drag my butt out of bed until 7:15 this morning, when I normally get up at 5:00a?

I think I will. Take my meds early, along with Nyquil (my cold is getting out of control), and just go to bed.

What a life. NOT.

Exhausted

I feel overwhelmed and so, so tired. I haven't been falling asleep normally at night, and today, even though it's only 6:00p, I'm thinking of going to bed and not EVEN getting out my laptop to work. I normally get home from work and work well into the night obsessively, but I'm just too tired.

I took my meds last night and went to bed, and at 11:00p was still wide awake. I got back up and took 1/2 Seroquel and 2 Nyquil (I have a cold), and around 12:30 went back to bed, exhausted. That didn't help when my alarm went off at 5:00a. It was all I could do to get up and "get around" to go to work.

I'm so confused at work. I don't know what these Managers WANT. They interview my people enough, but I just can't get anyone past them. I find it hard to believe that I would send THIS many people to them that they would interview, and they haven't hired a single one? Yet, I've just been there over a month, and the hiring process is slow. And, agreed, it IS the holidays. But I DO know of the people they've rejected. I need to stop recruiting for this one particular kind of technology and take a break!

Mark is in Illinois, and I really miss him this week. I could use his "familiarity" around the house. Just knowing he's here is soothing. I'd love to just be able to go to bed and "hold him", like I always say to him. That's how we lay to fall asleep - "spooning", with me holding him.

I got my nails done and my eyebrows waxed, and was going to get my hair highlighted and cut this evening, but I was just TOO TIRED. I'm meeting my Senior Manager tomorrow for the first time, and I want to look presentable. She'll just have to cope with my growing-out highlights, I guess.

I'm nervous about meeting her, but...if there's something wrong I'm doing, I'd like to know what it is, and how to fix it.

Things are getting really complicated in my group at work, and I wonder - why didn't they let my "mentor" have this group instead of splitting it up letting us have what we currently have? Maybe his group is much more complicated than I know. It doesn't seem like it, though.

I'm just tired, really tired. Worn out. Exhausted. And my neck hurts. It's only 6:20, but I think I'll go ahead and take my nighttime meds and go to bed.

The Horror!

Oh my gosh. When I read the email, I thought I would DIE. Just DIE.

Our floor in our building is consolidating because it's so empty (the consultants no longer have to work in the office), so the company is going to lease half of our floor. My office and Chatty Girl's office were on the side that is going to be leased, so our offices needed to be moved to the other side.

I worked from home today, so I got the news from her in an email.

SHE and *I* will be SHARING AN OFFICE.

Are you frickin' kidding me? Of all people. I'd MUCH rather share an office with Bipolar Girl from my last job, but perhaps I didn't feel that way about her in the beginning. I wonder how long it will last. I just *had* to call Mark and tell him my dilemma, and even though he hates it when I work from home (don't ask, I don't know why), he said..."well, you can always work from home?" And just what will Chatty Girl think when I stop coming in at all when we're sharing offices? PLUS. I think my own Manager prefers it that I work in the office at least 3 days a week. Three tormenting, nails on chalkboard, get nothing done.

Will there be 2 phones? Simple things like that are running through my mind. I'd rather sit in my own CUBICLE! Why wasn't that given to me as an OPTION? I want my own CUBE! Is it because people can hear me talk about salaries? She can have the office, I really don't care. I just want my own personal space, and to have it be away from HER!

Don't get me wrong, she is SO sweet to me. But she does NOT stop talking. I know, I know, I'm bipolar and I'm the last one that should be complaining when it comes to talking. But I take Adderall in the morning, and once I get to work and a bit of the morning has passed, pretty FOCUSED.

Things at work are getting kind of political and heated. It's too boring and long to go into detail, but it seems like I'm smack in the middle of it because of WHAT I recruit, and my Managing Directors taking over ALL of that Technology in our huge (department? sector? whatever...). People aren't liking giving it up. Maybe they're thinking job security? I have no idea. I'm not in these high level meetings, but now I'm being cc'd because I'm the "Recruiter". I have to be really careful here and tread lightly...or not at all...just do as I'm told and keep my mouth shut.

I think I'm out of Geoden, I'm just too lazy to try and figure out what I did when trying to reorder it over the phone (I pressed the wrong numbers a few times before I pressed the right ones) to make them tell me it wouldn't be ready until I came into the pharmacy and talked to the pharmacist. What the hell?

I guess I'd better take care of it now. I've read somewhere that Geoden withdrawals are a bitch (or as Chatty Girl would say...a beyotch...)

No Shopping!

Mark and I have done NO Christmas shopping yet. Nope. Not one single present. We plan on buying a big screen television (long overdue) for ourselves for Christmas, and the only people I have left that I HAVE to buy presents for are HIS nieces and nephews. It kind of pisses me off because his family decided "Christmas is for kids", we have no kids, so we get stuck buying 5 presents with nothing in return. Now...Christmas is all about giving, but come ON. And it's such a pain with all of those kids over there. I'm so sorry to anyone who has kids! All of these kids are pretty small. Coworker Chatty Girl gave me the idea to just get gift certificates for all of them, which Mark HATES the idea. I told him to buy stuff then, and he doesn't understand why his wife who loves to spend money won't buy Christmas gifts! Because I have no interest!

I've been getting US Mail notes on my door recently to pick up registered letters from a bank that come during the day. Normally, that's cause for alarm, but I recognize the bank name, and it's for my STUPID STUPID TRUST! I swear, I hate that thing, it's brought me nothing but trouble.

Part of "breaking it up" is a life insurance plan for my mother, brother and myself against (against?) my evil stepdad's life. The PROBLEM with that, is that it wants me to name a person to be "in charge" on the policy - I would send them my portion of the money each year to continue the policy, and trust that they would deliver. I don't remember how much it is, but it's like....$3000/year. I'm going to trust one of them, ESPECIALLY my mother?

So I've been refusing to sign it and return it. *I* won't be responsible, because *I* don't trust *them* to get me their portion of the money.

And...the long and short of it is...I don't want ANY contact with them - especially forced - for the rest of my life. Yes, that's harsh, but this is forced communication we're talking about here, and it's a HUGE trigger for me.

I picked up the "recent" letter today, and lo and behold, I got a shock. The Bobbsie twins, my mother and brother, aren't doing the same as each other. My mother filled out and returned the paperwork, but my brother and I haven't. Now, it could be that he just got busy, the mail crossed in the system, etc. BUT - it said if the paperwork wasn't rec'd by the 30th, the life insurance policy would be broken up between the 3 of us, which, since my mother returned the paperwork, might piss her off. I don't care. I don't think it's as big of a deal enough for her to reach out to me. I HOPE. I PRAY. I can't go through an "episode" right now. I'm not worried about it. I honestly think she'll just let this pass.

I think my former employer blocked my email address from his place of employment. My two friends have stopped writing me, but replying to old emails. He's very weird like that, but I have about 5 email addresses, so he can't block them all. The thing is...do I really want to go to all of that trouble? I don't want past friends to stay in the past, but what am I supposed to do? I guess go pick them up for lunch one day? Except...they want to do something on the weekend which is SO inconvenient for me.

My boss is coming to meet me from her city for the first time on Wednesday. They hired me sight unseen, references unchecked, can you believe that? I'm pretty nervous. I need my nails filled, my eyebrows waxed, my hair highlighted and cut, and it's already Saturday night! What if I'm actually doing a horrible job and she's going to tell me that? I'm so paranoid.

I'm still hacking and coughing like crazy, can you believe that? Monday it will be 2 weeks. I hope it's gone before I meet my Sr. Manager on Wednesday....

Getting Better...

Thanks so much for all the well wishes regarding my cold/flu/bronchitis/whatever I have. This morning is the first time I've felt better in almost 2 weeks (on Monday). But it's so typical of me to feel okay in the mornings, and then get sicker as the day wears on. However, I refuse to be pessimistic! I AM getting better!

I worked from home yesterday, SO glad I have that option! I couldn't get going, but it was probably because of the 4 Nyquil tablets I'd taken, and the 300 mg of Seroquel I'd also taken the night before, hoping to get better. The Nyquil didn't even phase me - sleep wise or otherwise! Of course, the Seroquel did! I ate and ate - and now I'm up to 138.5! I can't believe I am SO FAT. I'm amazed that most of my clothes still fit (kind of) when I bought them at 125. I choose the 6's, and never wear the 4's, obviously. I think I'm going to go buy a couple of new outfits in a larger size - 8, I guess. If/when I lose the weight, I'll still be able to wear them....

I'm going in to work today, which means some of my time will be taken up by Chatty Girl. She drives me insane! I know all about her, yet she barely knows anything about me because all she does is talk about herself, and doesn't even stop to breathe for me to add to the conversation except acknowledge what she said. And she's SO snobby. Yet she's the only girl in the office that I know, and I really have no choice but to be friends with her. Her office is two doors down from mine, so it's not like I can ignore her. What do I do? I'm GLAD she's there, though, because we both started on the same day, so we help each other with questions we have about the HR systems, etc. And I can ask her questions about being an HR Recruiter because, of course, I never have been one, although she doesn't know that. What's really weird is...when I go into the office, I end up doing a lot of admin stuff for my Managers, and when I'm home? I don't have any to do. Why is that? Is it because I'm more efficient working from home and can get more done - with or without Chatty Girl? Or is it a coincidence? I can't figure it out.

Work is a source of frustration for me. I have to turn in a report saying who I submitted for what job, and one Manager gave me a job that I recruited on for a whole day, yet never gave me a job description so I could create a req #, thus it won't be on the report. PLUS I'm recruiting for a new group that was so political on a very high level, I learned, to get them to let our team (okay, just me) recruit for them, and of course THOSE 2 resumes won't be on the report, either. I'm afraid it will look like I'm barely doing anything for my own team, and we have a conference call today. What if my Managers complain and are unhappy? From what I can tell, they were never unhappy with their previous Recruiter - it seems like they loved him, although I know he didn't work as hard as I do.

Well, it's 6:00a, so I'd better start getting ready for work. That means I won't leave until 7:00a, won't get to work until at least 8:00a, and I'm interviewing someone at 8:30a. If there is bad traffic, I might not make it in time!!!

Off to Work I Must Go

A guy from my former employer called me yesterday - I don't even know how he got my home office #! He can be really sweet when he wants to be (and wants something, I'm sure), but it was still good to hear from him. I don't know why my friends at work didn't tell me he was no longer with the company. He sounded really calm and really happy, but...that's his job, right? When he's at an agency and wants my business? He told me a VERY interesting story that TOTALLY ties everything together. My ex-boss blocked all internet sites to us at work (he's so paranoid and childish), and the guy told me that my ex-boss stole the company from his brother (they used to own it together). I knew they went through YEARS of not speaking, but I didn't know why. The guy said something interesting. He said people that paranoid have either been screwed, or they're worried about karma. Yeah, it could definitely be the latter.

I'm STILL sick, but I think it's my body's way of getting better. Mark disagrees, but I think I'm just coughing so much because my body is ridding itself of the toxins, etc.? I knew I was sick, but not this sick. Everything I read said going to the doctor wouldn't help - antibiotics wouldn't speed up the healing process, so I didn't go.

I've gained SO MUCH WEIGHT since I haven't been working out, and that takes away the prompt in my head to watch what I eat. I'm going to cancel my membership at my old gym, and then hopefully join one near work. I haven't decided if I should take THAT much work off at lunch to take a whole class yet.

I stayed home from work yesterday because I just could NOT get up! I finally rolled out of bed around 7:50, and I try to be at work by 8:00! The sad thing is...the drive on Office Space at the beginning of the show? That is LITERALLY my drive to work. Same pavement - same stretch of road. That is where it was filmed! I hope that puts into perspective my 28 miles of hell to work and back.

I'm so worried about Java Java Java. I'm going to take a break from it today - its really gotten to me. I was hired as a "source recruiter" - someone that can find candidates without an agency, especially for Java, but all of my Java has been coming from agencies - really just one in particular. I love them - they are the only ones that are helping me.

I'd better start getting ready for work - don't want to get stuck in the ugly traffic! :(

Forget It

Forget my previous post. I'm going to have to be a LOT sicker than I am right now to put myself through the HELL of going to the doctor, for all the reasons mentioned.

Perhaps to the Doctor I Should Go?

According to my blog, tomorrow (Monday) will mark a week that I've been sick. I'm washing some clothes right now so I can go to the doctor. I HAVE to have a voice (I don't have one) for work - I can't do my job (as a Recruiter) without one. Most of my job is on the phone, and it's so difficult for me to muster up enough sound for someone to hear and understand me. There's one of those generic clinics within a few miles from my house that's open on Sundays, and I doubt they're miracle workers, but at least it's a step in the right direction. I'm also hoping they can give me something for my sore throat. Advil works okay, just not well enough. If they don't, though, it's no big deal. Whatever they think is best is okay by me.

One of the reasons I hate going to the doctor is because I have to list ALL of the medications I take - all SEVEN. And I have to SPELL them to the nurse. AND tell her I'm bipolar. It's mortifying. Come to think of it, maybe I don't want to go after all.

I watched my Barry Manilow DVD last night (don't laugh!!) : ) and basically tried to take it easy - only leaving the house to go with Mark to the "corner store" to get soda. I just stayed in the car. I AM trying to get better!

Did I ever comment on Mark sending flowers to me at work for our 1 month anniversary? I was SO SHOCKED! They were gorgeous too, and it was so thoughtful. I was incredibly surprised he remembered! Sure, he can be difficult, but he can also be the sweetest guy in the whole world.

No Wonder! I'm Sick!

I think I have an alternate reason why I haven't been sleeping until my alarm goes off in the morning, and it has nothing to do with Abilify.

I'm sick - I have a sore throat, and it's been waking me up around, like I said in my previous post - around 1:30a - 4:30a because it HURTS. I worked from home last Monday, Tuesday since Chatty Girl wasn't in the office, and on Friday since I was sick. I don't have a fever and I don't feel SO bad that I can't work from my home office, but just enough to be miserable, you know?

When I saw Chatty Girl one morning last week, she was so excited to see me, and couldn't wait to show me that they had put our names on our offices! We were no longer "Hoteling Offices" - haha. For some bizarre reason, she suddenly thought they got the names switched because we "look alike", and it took her a few minutes to figure out they were right. (I wasn't following her train of thought) It struck me as odd that she would say we look alike. Do you just say that to people? Don't you have to get their agreement, as in..."Don't you think we look alike?". What if I thought she was ugly? She's not, she's cute - and we do both have highlighted blond hair, same length, same build, same height probably, fair skin, and I think we both talk kind of the same. I took it as a compliment that she would WANT us to "look alike".

Work is worrying me, and suffice it to say, I hear about all of these plans to transfer all of these jobs to me, and I've only been there ONE MONTH. And I really haven't proven myself in this area. As a matter of fact, I feel no passion towards this area of technology. There are too few people and too many jobs. It's not subjective at all - that's why I like working on Manager level and above jobs.

Anyways, on top of my current load, they are loading me down with jobs from a whole new group of 2 particular kinds of technology, I'm getting my mentor's jobs in the same technologies (I think he's fighting it, though - he hasn't turned it over), and now one of my Hiring Managers told me a "secret between the two of us" that we'll be getting 30 new jobs by mid-December/first of the year as our group will be recruiting for a whole division or something, and he'd be my "Point of Contact". I'm only ONE PERSON!! Chatty Girl said not to panic - I didn't know what they had planned, and for all I know, they may be hiring another person.

My job is a source of stress and panic - constantly - for me. I don't just "take things in stride". I'm a perfectionist when it comes to work - but what good does it do to know that if you can't change it?

I need to MAKE myself work 40 - and ONLY 40 - hours per week. And that's it. Get a life outside of work. But I haven't had to do that since I started working again - I've had high maintenance jobs that have consumed my life. Mark's schedule just adds fuel to the fire.

But would I even be successful on 40 hours a week? I don't think so.

I guess right now what's important is getting well PHYSICALLY, and worrying about all of this later. It's just...it's only too convenient to check my work email on my home laptop....

Back to Abilify.

It's only been a few days, maybe a week, and I've had BAD side effects from halving my Abilify dosage.

For starters, I can't stay asleep. Monday morning, I woke up at 3:30a, and couldn't go back to sleep, so I started working (okay, so it's not exactly the most relaxing thing to do to make you sleepy...).

This morning, it was worse. I woke up at 1:30 this time! I did the same thing - started working, and went back to bed around 4:30, but I get up at 5:00, and now here I sit, waiting for the coffee to brew.

Another thing is...I'm gaining weight! It's not my official day to weigh, but I weighed anyway, and I'm up to 138! I was just in Cancun at the end of August at 127 wearing a bikini!

My plan is to join a gym close to work and start going during lunch again. That seemed to really work.

Since I've been home...alone...isolated...for 2 days, I guess (shrug) it will be nice to go in to work today. The thing is, I'm not so isolated. As a Recruiter, I'm on the phone ALL DAY, so I get plenty of "socializing".

I bought some new sweat pants and sweatshirts from Victoria Secret's for my stay-home days, as it really gets cold in this house! I know, I know, why would I waste my money buying from there when I could just go to Target or Walmart. Since I may be home so much, I wanted something at least a *little* fashionable, if for any reason, my own self esteem.

I've been wondering if my mentor tried to set me up, or if he really doesn't know how to "screen" a candidate. He sent me a Java Developer as if I could just send him along to Managers. Well, last night I decided to conduct my own "screen" - if for any reason, to build a rapport with him. As we started talking, I realized this guy didn't develop Java at all! He worked on a technical support team who supported Java applications! He didn't write any code! HUGE difference. I made up some excuse and hung up, thankful that the candidate was honest with me. The candidate even mentioned my mentor calling and screening him a few weeks ago - so what gives? SURELY he knows the difference between supporting Java apps and developing code? That's why I think he was trying to set me up. Now I wish I could take back the resumes he told me to send to Managers in the beginning. I didn't screen ANY of them!

Work, work, work. I'm so obsessed. I need to join the gym and put something back into my "life" and out of the "work" section.

Work - 24x7!


Where are all the JAVA Developers??? (US Citizen, degreed, able to get a security clearance) Am I asking for too much? Is this what it's come down to now (see left)



It's happening again. Just like when I worked for the previous Big-5 consulting firm, I'm letting my job overtake my life. NOT GOOD. It's the trigger that put me in the hospital in 2001. I'm probably working 10-12, if not more, hours per day. And I only get paid for 40! I just can't help it, and when Mark is in Illinois, I'm by myself in my home office, and it's really all I have to do. I need to get out and do something, but when?

I'm so anxious about my job performance, and now I'm anxious about my job SECURITY. As a contractor, you're always the first to go. With the DoD spending up in the air, my job could be in jeopardy. I work with the DoD - Homeland Security, etc., and if that spending bill doesn't get passed, then who knows if our contracts will get cut? No one has mentioned it, but I worked at General Dynamics when Bush #1 was President, and Cheney cut a large project, and 3500 of us were laid off all at once. Don't even get me started on how he promised us our jobs would be saved if HE were elected President.

What a conflict I'm in right now. On one hand, yes, I do believe that money needs to be sent overseas, and at this point, I think the Democrats (of which I am one) and Bush are arguing over semantics. We should support our troops and give them all the help they need while setting a timetable for bringing them home.

But now we're talking about my JOB! I do support other groups of the government - contracts with the FBI, CIA, etc...(kind of cool to me), so maybe that will keep me afloat. I just can't find frickin Java Developers! Not just any - they have to be US Citizens, degreed, and able to get a security clearance. I'm racking my brain, and all of these groups are counting on me - just ME! I swore I wouldn't use vendors (agencies - like where I just came from), but I reached out to TEN today. I need some SERIOUS HELP! I have many ways of source recruiting, but it takes time. Now I have a NEW group that, for political reasons, have chosen me to be their recuiter for all .Net and Java positions, so that's even MORE pressure!

Don't get me wrong, that's not all I recruit for - just the positions the Managers are screaming for right now.

I've made a really good friend at work - Chatty Girl. She's been in DC this week and I've been working from home. I started working at 3:30am today because I couldn't sleep, and I don't know why people have to look and see when I sent my messages, but they just do, and commented if I ever get any sleep. Well, last night? No. I have a cold, and couldn't breathe.

Am I hypo, working so many hours? I have no idea. I don't FEEL hypo - just so bored that all I have to do is work. AND so anxious about my job performance that all I do is work. However, I did get a very nice comment at about 5:00a CST from a Hiring Manager:

"KansasSunflower --

I really appreciate your hard work and I have to say that you definitely live up to your reputation as *Managing Director* brags on you all the time.

Thanks for all your efforts…."

A Recruiter just does NOT get compliments. If there are no complaints, then you assume you're doing a good job!

Sorry this is all about work - I've been without human contact for 2 days now and just working, so that's all I have to write about!

I'm Cold.

You know? Sometimes I really hate my life. Not "I'm going to kill myself" hate my life, just....I'm tired. Very tired. And the house is cold, Mark is in Illinois, and all around me is quiet. Just....quiet. Me, alone with my thoughts. Great. I have no desire to turn on the television or play a game, clean, eat....nothing. I'm just sitting here wondering....am I just a big fat loser? In "this game called Life"? Things could be much worse, but they could also be worse while I felt better, too. Do I have any connections with anyone in the whole world? I don't think so. I think there are people out there that I could *really* be friends with, but I don't know them. And I can't imagine what kind of setting I'd be in where I'd let my guard down enough to *really* be friends with anyone.

Isn't that the definition of a loser? Someone that doesn't have any family or friends?

Maybe I'm just overworked or under-slept. Doesn't matter, there's always SOMEONE who is MORE overworked and under-slept than you are. Just try and tell someone how you feel. You'll get the picture real quick. "Well you know *I*......"

I just started and stopped a crying spell, over re-reading about when my dog Cody died. Why did I have to be so VIVID in how I felt? I relived the whole thing all over again, and that was be 2 years in February!

If I EVER felt like taking a bunch of Seroquel and going to bed, now would be the time, except....I've got to be a grown up and be at my grown-up job tomorrow (or at least wake up and answer emails/listen to conference calls from home).

Man - now THAT would be depression.

Stupid Job, Anyway.

I'm exhausted. Literally, figuratively, whatever, I just am. My job is killing me. The Managers and Directors are demanding and insane! Today I thought...."did I just take an admin role? Is that what I did?" Because these men (I don't mean that in a derogatory way - they literally are all men) drive me up a wall. If I took just one of them at a time and thought about just their needs and requests, maybe it wouldn't seem so out of hand. But you put them altogether, and I can't even DO what it is I'm supposed to DO! And that's RECRUIT!

Let me give you an example. A Manager sends a resume to me and tells me to schedule an interview with that person. First of all, I'm his Recruiter, so where the HELL did he get that resume? Everything should come through *me* first. I should have screened him and built a relationship with this candidate already. But that's WAY beside the point. As you can see, it pissed me off royally.

This resume. It has a name on the top. That's IT. No phone number, email address, home address, vendor (agency) company name. Just a person's name and his resume. I look the name up in our system - he doesn't exist.

What the HELL? I send it to my "mentor", and he finds (as if I'm not a computer geek) a vendor contact name and number hidden in the footer. But he's never heard of the company. Great. So I call it. They're just as confused as I am! How did I get that resume? The candidate doesn't want a perm job - he wants, at the most, 3 months contract to hire, but preferably contract. And...he'd already had an interview with my company - was this a second interview? How the HELL do I know? Then they told me they entered his information in "the system". What??? They were speaking a different language. I just asked if I could get times for a phone interview if he was still available, and hung up. I don't even remember if I gave them my number?

So that's just ONE Manager's issue today - but that's not his ONLY (crazy) request. And he's not my ONLY Hiring Manager. I can talk about a Managing Director not taking a scheduled interview with my candidate, and after the candidate calls me in a panic mode, well, oops - they decided not to pursue him any further and forgot to tell me so I could cancel it. That takes a chunk of time out of my day - trying to figure out if I gave him the wrong number, scheduled the wrong date/time, whatever, while getting new interview times from the candidate, which was fruitless anyway!

It was like that ALL DAY TODAY! I'm hoping everyone will be traveling tomorrow and won't be able to contact me. :-) I'll actually be able to get some REAL work done! They are SO HIGH MAINTENANCE, and they don't even know it!

Do you know how I got some "real work done" YESTERDAY? I got home at about 4:30p, and worked from home until 9:30, after getting to work at 8:30a. But even then...these Managers don't just stop when it's 5:00p - EST, PST, CST, whatever timezone they're in. It was about 7:00p, and I got a CRAZY *emergency* request for a candidate who has to have x and x experience, but get this - he only wanted candidates that had worked at 2 very specific companies and no one else! Well lo and behold, I hit the jackpot and found one in about 15 minutes, and shocked the crap out of him, and he's interviewing her face to face tomorrow afternoon. If they would let me DO MY JOB, I'm actually really good at it.

Which reminds me of something very, VERY important. If you just so happen, right now, to be choosing WHERE you go to work, in my opinion, it's just about as important as choosing WHERE you go to school. It's a pedigree all on its' own. It's how I got the job where I am now - only because I happened to work at one of those 2 companies that the Hiring Manager just HAD to have on a resume. The agency work I did for 3 years? Nobody cares. The Big-5? It's as if that's the only place I ever worked, and that's all anyone wants to talk about in my past career history. Which is too bad, because I made up a lot of the job experience! ;-)

I've only been at this company for a month, and already ANOTHER Big-5 has contacted me through LinkedIn about working for THEM. This is what I'm trying to say. Pick something, anything, and stick with it. You like the health industry? Great - find a job there, and stay in that vertical when moving positions. If possible, pick a recognizable named company. The bigger or more prestigious, the better. You're a lot more marketable that way. You have "industry experience". The only thing about Big-5's and why people want those employees so much is because of the work ethic and because they know they've been client-facing. I don't get paid for overtime, but I'm working WAY over 50 hours a week. I don't feel like I have a choice, just like when I worked at the other Big-5. And I know they ALL feel the same pressure.

But why? I never could figure it out before, either. Why are we all working so hard and racing so fast? I have to so I can keep up with THEM. I guess THEY do it so they can keep up with their clients? They're at the clients "beck and call", just like I'm at THEIR "beck and call" for candidates.

This sucks, but I don't EVER want to go back to my old job. Ever.

Mark is out of town until tomorrow night at about midnight, and I miss him and am lonely without him....

My Job, Very Boring Entry


It was ALL I could do to force myself to get up just now - at 5:30a. It makes it harder knowing that I can stay home if I want, but I'm trying to keep a regular "schedule" going in to work for my illness, and part of that is actually getting out in society and proving I'm an active participant. I spoke to a Recruiter where I work who comes into the office every week, too (we never have to come in if we choose not to), and he said he comes in Monday - Wednesday, just because he doesn't get as much done from home as he does in the office. That's exactly how I think it would be for me, too. Once I'm acclimated to my job, I may do what he does - go into the office Monday - Wednesday, and work from home Thursday - Friday.

I got an email yesterday from *another* Big-5 Recruiting firm about Recruiter's opening they have. If I didn't see a pattern before, I see one now. All of them are aggressively trying to hire each other's employees. I told her thanks, but I'd only been at my job for a month, I'd forward her info along, and keep in touch. I would *never* burn a bridge with her - no way. All of the Recruiters I work with have a Big-5 recruiting background, and I would say me too, but at the Big-5, they don't know it, but I never recruited! My "Chatty" friend introduces me to people she knows around the office as "the OTHER girl who used to work at X Company", totally skipping by my 3 years of REAL recruiting. That means nothing to them. And some of my, ahem, "clients" only want to hire people who have a "Consulting background"; i.e. - have worked for a large consulting firm in the past, and won't consider anyone else.

I hate to say it, but it IS different, and something you just can't "teach" on the first day. It really depends upon how client-facing the role is right away. I have the general culture down, but NOT what happened yesterday!

I had been working so hard on these jobs, and then...they just went away. The client (external, I know this gets confusing, but my Manager is beating down on me that my Hiring Managers are *my* "clients") decided they no longer needed them, so all of my hard work getting candidates was for nothing. I guess I should view it as working for a Recruiting agency - I can get them past the Account Manager without a problem, but it's getting the outside (not my internal) clients to hire them that's a challenge. It was SUCH a letdown that I had to vent to my Chatty Friend and ask her how she would feel. She said she would feel the same way, so I felt a bit better since she came from a similar environment. I called the person who is my "go-to" person and asked him to help me prioritize my work because of what happened, and he said I was doing everything right, just keep in constant contact with my "clients" so I always know what jobs are "hot", and which ones I shouldn't be wasting my time (or the vendors' time). He helps me SO MUCH, and when I always thank him profusely, he just says that's what he's there for. He is incredibly nice, and would make a great Manager.

Enough about work, eh? Mark is in Illinois for the next two weeks, coming home for the weekend, of course. It's too bad, because we just celebrated our 1 month anniversary on Monday. It would have been nice to vent to him last night, but oh well. I did it on the phone instead, but it's not the same. I want to be positive and upbeat, because it's really the only time I talk to him all day long.

I've been taking my Seroquel BEFORE bed so I'll drop to sleep once I get there, and then have been eating myself out of house and home at night. My stomach is HUGE! I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and take it when I'm going up the stairs like I used to, no matter HOW awake and "wired" I am, and tough it out until it "kicks" in. That's the thing with me right now. I'm too wound up without it that I can't even stand to lay in bed without its' effects.

Last night, as SOON as I got home, I was so anxious that I took 3 1mg klonipin. Is is anxiety? Panic? It's a combination of both, and is so physically uncomfortable and overwhelming. Don't get me wrong - it's gotten better since I split my klonipin in half. I guess? But it's so bad I can't even concentrate. At least now it's not 100% of the time, and only when I get all psyched out about work.

I'm becoming an obsessed workaholic, unsure about my performance, constantly thinking I'm failing, and I don't like it. I am probably doing a kick-ass job, but what do I really have to judge it against? My Manager says I'm going an awesome job, but....how does she know? She lives in DC, I live in TX, we barely speak once a week, and she just knows I came in and started working right away instead of easing slowly into my job. Also, she thinks I have a great attitude. If she gets wind of my attitude from yesterday, I wonder what she'll think...

Manic-ky

It's just been a few days since I cut my Abilify in half, and I'm feeling a bit manic-ky. Okay, more than a bit. But I don't know what is considered a "lot".

I can't sleep. I have too much blood pumping through my veins - too many ideas about what I WANT to do at work tomorrow, what I NEED to do, what I HAVE to do, and it all EXCITES me.

Yes, I feel very, very excited, and about WORK of all things!

I always read where people say they LONG to "feel good" and they miss feeling "manic". Yes, I feel REALLY GOOD, and happy. But scared. When I'm manic, I do stupid, stupid things. I exercise poor judgement. Emails are my vice, and I communicate almost exclusively through email all day long. I hit "send" before I stop to think how what I just sent would be perceived. That gets me into huge trouble, as well as old boyfriends I just get the "gumption" to email out of the blue and Mark discovers...all kinds of things.

It is NOT SAFE for me to be manic. Depressed is one thing - it's painful, it's miserable, and it hurts. Manic is another. Sure, it feels okay, but you can't sleep, you constantly have excited butterflies in your stomach, you do obsessive compulsive things like check your email every 30 minutes, and make POOR judgement calls that can't be taken back. I wish I could FEEL manic, and act as grounded as I do when I'm depressed?

At 5:00a this morning, my alarm clock went off, ,and I sprung out of bed from a dead sleep - SO not like me. I'm a "snooze button" user. I guess I should count my blessings that I was still asleep at 5:00am!

I got totally lost in the day today - too much to do with too little time, going from one thing to the next, and having to write down what I was doing because I would get interrupted and forget to go back to the last thing, or forget what the next thing was I was supposed to do. Maybe this job is feeding into my manic side?

I worked 8+ hours at work, and probably 2 hours from home. I only get paid 40 hours/week, and no overtime. The thing is...I just want to do a good job. Salaried employees don't get paid overtime, and this is only the second time ever that I've been a contractor. I just turn in 40 hours/week, regardless of how many hours I ACTUALLY worked.

I've been trying to use : )'s to portray a happy tone as I've noticed my "clients" are big on : )'s, but tonight, I found out one of my "clients" forgot to interview one of my candidates, and she emailed me at 11:00 EST to tell me. She waited from 6:00p - 11:00p EST for his call which never came. I feel SO BAD for her! I forwarded her message to my "client" and said, in a nice way, pretending I didn't assume he forgot, if I had given him the wrong phone number, knowing I hadn't. I realized after I sent it that it may have been perceived as accusatory.

I was on top of the world today when a Managing Director (again, my "client) had 2 Senior Managers fighting over one of my candidates, with the client who missed the call tonight winning out in the end. I sure hope I get someone hired soon. If not, as long as they see my amazing recruiting abilities, I'm fine with that. I just don't want to be booted out the door! I like my job too much!

And Mark sent me roses today at work - for our Anniversary! I completely forgot that November 26th was our 1 month anniversary! When I was told I had a delivery up front, I was expecting it to be a letter saying turn in your laptop and company equipment, thank you, goodbye.

We went to dinner, and after sitting there for 10 minutes or longer without anyone so much as asking for our drink orders, we got up and left. I complained to the hostess on our way out, who got the manager, who apologized and gave us a $25 gift certificate. We then went and got fast food. I ate 3 chicken tacos - 140 calories each - because I've gained mega-weight it seems to me.

I'm NOT going back up on Abilify to see if I get over being manic. I'll just take extra somethingorother. I don't know what yet, but I'll figure it out.

Is It Me?

Mark made me so mad this morning. I got up first, and for breakfast I had my leftover sweet and sour chicken from last night. I was still tired, so I went back to bed. In the meantime, he had gotten up and was watching television downstairs. When I got out of bed for the second time and grabbed the remote control to change channels, he said "Did you wash your hands first?". I thought, WHAT THE? No explanation, no anything, just said like I was a child who needed to be reminded to wash their hands for some reason. So, I got pissed. It was THEN, AFTER I said "What the?" and made it clear I was mad, that he said that he had gotten up and the remote control was sticky from sweet and sour sauce and he'd had to wash it. Couldn't he have explained himself FIRST?

That just led to a bigger and bigger "fight/discussion", with me going back to bed and ignoring him while he was standing above me, still talking, being the "martyr".

He then started to work out, and I went downstairs to watch television again. I decided to take a diet pill - and HARDLY made any noise at all. I just took the bottle out of my purse, grabbed 2 pills, already had a glass of water, and swallowed them. No "shaking of the bottle"....nothing. He flew down the stairs and demanded to know what I'd taken, and if it was Seroquel. Yes, I took Seroquel yesterday and slept a lot, but I was bored, I guess? I didn't overdose, I just wanted to sleep. Anyways, he then informed me the next time I took Seroquel and slept during the day, he was going to call my doctor and tell him what I was doing. Fine, whatever. Go ahead - do it. So once AGAIN, I was pissed.

He's been complaining all day, and I'm really not listening - I'm just tuning out. Maybe it's the Seroquel from yesterday, but I only took 400mg - it's not like I took 8 or 9 pills.

We went to the "corner store" because he was out of soda, and he acted "all sweet" to this blond girl behind the counter, VERY uncharacteristic of him. He never even makes eye contact with people! She acted a bit smitten herself. I've only been there once when she was there, and she gave me the cold shoulder, glaring at my designer purse, but today, with him, she was being overly nice to me, saying "so how is your day going so far?", etc. He used his "soft voice" to her, which he only uses to ME! I didn't say anything to him...I didn't want to act like a kook, but she's just started working there, and I'm going to keep my eyes open. I don't remember this EVER happening before...is it because we just got married that I'm seeing this and I'm insecure?

Later on, a fight/discussion later about I don't know what, I said "are you just wanting to break up or something?". Yes, I'm back to that. Thinking we're just going to break up.

Getting married has really pushed me backwards by years in our relationship as far as being emotionally secure, and I have no idea why that is? Maybe it really hasn't, and I would be feeling and acting like this regardless. There's no way to know.

I DO know that I am FAT. I'm over 135 now, and who knows, I could be close to 140 when I weigh again.

I'm going to join a new gym and start eating properly once more. With my flex schedule for work, I have no excuse not to go the gym.

Maybe that's part of my insecurity....

I have quite a "Seroquel hangover" today....

Happy Thanksgiving and Abilify Update

It's amazing to me how hungry I am NOT by cutting my Abilify in half! Normally I wake up FAMISHED, and I didn't this morning! I couldn't even finish my bowl of Raisin Bran, after I'd been up for about 2 hours! I think I did the right thing....for NOW, anyway, by cutting my Abilify in half. Better concentration, intensely decreased anxiety, and less hunger! What more can you ask for? All of that equates to a happier KansasSunflower in my book!

My neighbors had their Christmas lights up last night! And not just a few...it's all over their house and yard! It aggravates me every year. I LOVE decorating for Christmas, but it just seems too early. But today, it seems okay. :-) I don't think Mark will "let" me decorate for Christmas this year. Most of the garland from LAST Christmas is still on the banisters of our staircases!

I always have so much extra time on my hands on Thanksgiving. Mark and I spend it alone, and then go to his parents the next day or weekend.

I'm cooking a turkey, so here I sit, waiting to baste it every 30 minutes. I'm cooking other things, of course, but nothing that's hard or timely. Too many dishes to wash, and, after all, it's just Mark and myself! He hates vegetables and dessert, so really, what else is there besides mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, and corn (the one vegetable he'll tolerate)? Oh yeah...gravy...

I think I miscalculated the amount of time the turkey will need to cook. We may be eating early - like around 11 or 11:30. I hope I can stretch it out until at least noon!

It's nice not having "family pressure" on Thanksgiving. I really enjoy it because of it. I remember as a child having to get dressed up at my grandparent's house for my grandmother's whole extended family to come to their house for the holiday. All the cooking and preparation was unbelievable! It was your typical large family feast - with the "kid's card table" and everything, with Susie, Danny, Mikey and myself eating our dinner there. Football was watched by the men, while the women cooked and gossiped in the kitchen.

Good memories, but I *so* don't miss it. Mark's small family gatherings AFTER the holiday is enough pressure for me!

I don't know why I have such a disdain for family gatherings. Mark's family doesn't push me, but doesn't understand why I don't "come around" more often. They don't dislike me for it, but his older brother will go on and on about how much they like me and and having me around. I wouldn't speak to him for about 2 years after he accused me of not liking the family and not being more involved - making his mother cry over the phone to Mark, apologizing for what his brother had said because I was so mad. He had said the same thing to my now *real* sister-in-law, (these were emails that we both forwarded to the WHOLE FAMILY to show what a jerk he could be). I don't think I have it anymore? I'll have to check my archives.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope you have as wonderful of a day as mine has started out to be so far! (I woke Mark up to open a bottle of wine to mix with the butter to be basted on the turkey. I've never opened a bottle of wine before today!)

Bah-Bye to Anxiety!

What a wonderful day it is when you can make it through the whole day without "popping" a single klonipin or any other kind of anti-anxiety medication because you simply can't STAND the "panicky" feeling any longer!

I *knew* it! I just *knew* it was the Abilify increase, and by cutting it in half this morning, I proved it! I'm not even as hungry anymore.

Now...I'm not saying I did the "brightest" thing in regards to my mental health. I desperately NEEDED that extra 5mg when it was increased. It changed my mood like flipping a light switch - as dramatically from dark to light, and almost as quickly. I'm very afraid I'll spiral back into a depression like I was, or not be as cheerful as I am now. BUT. I'm only cheerful right now because I'm not anxious! :-)

MAN, I could SO concentrate at work today. I feel like I got a lot more done than I normally do, and I wasn't just stopping and starting, over and over again.

It's like a fog has lifted.

But I NEED Abilify. I just hope 5mg is enough. It's almost as if....I need somewhere between 5-10mg. I think 7mg dosages would be perfect for me. But they don't make 7mg doses!! Perhaps I'll stay on 5 for awhile, see how I do, and go up to 7 if needed, or back to 10 if I crash.

I'm desperately scared I'll crash.

I got my first real "one on one" over the phone with my Manager today, and she was really singing my praises, and it felt great. She loves my work , my attitude, my initiative, etc. But...how much does she really know about what I'm doing from another state? It's more like...if my Managers that I support (my "clients" that I recruit for, technically, in the consulting world) aren't complaining, then that's good news, and all must be well. Ha!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I'm cooking everything myself for Mark and I! (We're going to his family's on Friday). I bought a turkey that I'm making with mashed potatoes, stuffing, crescent rolls, a vegetable, and...no dessert. He doesn't like it, and I don't need it.

I hope everyone that has read this far has a Great Thanksgiving!!! :-)

Say Bah-Bye to Abilify - Just Half

Tomorrow, I'm going back down to 5mg of Abilify from the increase to 10mg of Abilify in July when I was almost suicidally depressed http://kansassunflower.blogspot.com/2007/07/down-for-count.html.

Why? I can't shake this anxiety - I go through my klonipin faster than my "monthly allowance", and I've now graduated to taking 50mg of Seroquel instead, making me HUNGRIER. I've gained almost 10 pounds since the increase in Abilify (in July), and I just read where weight gain is a side effect! I had NO idea!

No, I don't want to go back to the depression I felt in July, but I can't live on this serious anxiety - worrying about my performance at work and how many HOURS I've worked constantly among other things, and being so hungry, even when I take phentermine!

I remember my psychiatrist questioned, when I told him LAST time I had gone down from 15mg of Abilify to 5mg, if it was even therapeutic at that level. I don't know, but SOME Abilify has got to be better than NO Abilify.

It's really a shame, because I LOVE the drug. Nothing has quite worked on my depression and kept me as happy. Mark actually said it brought my personality back with the last increase. I started going to lay out at the pool every weekend - but it's that Abilify "restlestness", perhaps?
I can ALWAYS go back to 10 mg from 5 if I need to - except....I know, there's no guarantee it will work as well. Maybe....it will still work, but the anxiety and weight gain will be gone.

I'll go back to my doctor....eventually...

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y...Night!

I'm just a tad tipsy. Mark and I went to dinner and I only had one glass of white wine! Honestly! It was a larger than normal glass, in my opinion.

I have ONE Geoden left for tonight, and then I'm OUT. I called Mark's insurance company, which is now MY insurance company (hopefully), and they said I was a member, and gave me my member ID# to give to the pharmacy tomorrow. I hope it works, because I actually have about 6 prescriptions, not just Geoden, to pick up. HOWEVER. From all I've read, Geoden withdrawals sound especially bad?

Mark seems hopelessly depressed. I may have spoken of it before, but I have NO CLUE how to get him over this, not that it's my "job", but if it's not *mine*, whose is it? He can't accept his "place" in the world. He's a Senior Manager, his "up-above's" think he should be promoted to Director soon, in a huge company, and he's disappointed at where he is. AT 31!! He keeps comparing himself to the "Bill Gates", "Mark Cubans", "Steve Jobs", Warren Buffets" of the world, and how he's hasn't achieved that level of success. He's REALLY miserable and down on himself about it, and I'm not just kidding here. For a minute, he was joking about suicide, and no, I didn't take it lightly. He even commented on how nicely xanax and port went together. Do you KNOW what he meant? He drank an entire bottle of port and downed an entire bottle of xanax years ago and I had to call 911!!! This was after months of him self-medicating with xanax and alcohol. I suggested he go see a counselor, and he said he did, and all they told him he should learn to accept his place in the world, and he can't, and "screw that". I started to suggest a psychiatrist, but he said "or what? take a pill? no thank you!", to which I emphatically replied "FINE! I guess I'll just stop taking mine, then, since reality is how I see it off medication!". I'm sure he was thinking "KansasSunflower ALWAYS has to make it about her....".

He, almost angrily, had taken me to the independent movie theater, but I don't like seeing an independent flick without researching it on the internet first. He commented "I should at least get 'points' for this...'". So he took me to dinner at a place he goes with his boss and the people from Illinois at work when they're here - and the food was great! That's where I had my glass of wine....

I don't know what to think about work. It feels like I'm not working enough. I'm used to being "chained to my desk" in an office, being micro-managed, at least 44 hours per week, and usually more. NOW I come and go into the office as I please - I don't even have to go into the office at all if I choose, and maybe that's why I feel I'm not working hard? I work at home - make calls/send emails, attend conference calls, etc. I force myself to go into work everyday anyways, at least for most of the day. I leave either before or after the traffic hits since I live 28 miles away from the office, and then I go home at about 3:30, before rush hour. I have a nice office at work where I can really concentrate (a nice perk), and a coworker whose office is just two down from mine who I can talk to and we can ask each other questions when we have them (we started on the same day). It also keeps me from being lonely, probably?

I have to get it settled in my mind that I AM working hard. I think not keeping track of my hours VISUALLY is the problem. I need to start doing that. Such as...writing on a piece of paper: on Monday, I worked 9 hours, Tuesday, 7.5, and so on, because I worked today (Saturday) for at least 1-2 hours, and I don't even consider that during the week.

I just hope I'm performing okay? I guess if I look back in my blog, I've probably said that about every single job I've held. My coworker is flying to the part of the country where we recruit for to meet her Managers that she fills positions for their teams (at her Manager's request), but my Manager (that I report to), hasn't mentioned going there to me. However...my coworker fills INTERNAL positions. I, on the other hand, fill external, meaning....her people will work for the company. My people will work at client sites, generating revenue for the company. Does that make sense? I can tell by what she says that the mindset between my Managers and hers is TOTALLY different. At least I hope. Hers are a nightmare. Mine have seemed totally nice so far? I wish I didn't always worry about work so much.

I need to decide what to do about Mark's and my Thanksgiving (cook everything from scratch, or just buy a dinner pre-made and heat it on Thanksgiving morning), and hope I can get my medications paid for by the insurance company tomorrow.

And then there's the headache of the "reception" Mark's mother is throwing us in January, and how Mark is getting mad at me that I'm not responding to his mother's emails.....

PUKE

This is miserable. Yes, I know I just typed a post, but I tried to go to bed, and my stomach is so tied up in knots that I can't sleep. I even took a double dose of NyQuil because for some strange reason, I walked in the door and came down with a horrible cold. It seems to have done the OPPOSITE effect of making me drowsy. I'm waiting for my Seroquel to "kick in" and I took 2 more 1mg of Klonipin.

But it's almost 11:00p! I try to be up by 5:00a so I can wake up slowly from all the drugs I take at night - do you know what I mean? I don't DARE take more Seroquel! I won't be able to get up. But...worse case scenario...a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

I feel like I could throw up. Is this a mini-anxiety attack I'm having? I'm obsessing over work. I got in before 8:00a (it took me an hour to get there), left at 3:30, and started working again immediately when I got home, checking email here and there until I went to bed. I'm going to have to STOP that because it keeps me "wound up".

I've never had a good work/life balance. At my previous job, it was ENCOURAGED to make your life your work, so it was easy for me. Now...I have to monitor it myself and I have no idea how to do that.

My friends from work - Bipolar Girl and Older Woman - didn't email me back today. I sent them an email apologizing for not making it to Older Woman's b-day dinner with just the 3 of us, and they didn't respond today. I'm not going to send ANOTHER email - I'll wait one more day.

My friend from the Physician Recruiting Agency emailed and said he wants to meet for lunch tomorrow at 11:30 near where I work, but with this cold, should I go? And sniffle the whole time? I love the restaurant he chose, and it would be good to see him again, but I feel like taking a rain check. It just doesn't seem like I have the time!

Mark said his mother is getting frustrated with me because she is trying to plan this reception for our wedding, and I won't respond to her emails. Gosh, it's only been a few days! Maybe 2 or 3? I don't KNOW what I want! I'm so confused.

I emailed a girl that was married about 2 years ago, and I was a bridesmaid, and was shocked to find out she was getting a divorce! I remember thinking at the time that they were rushing things, but they DID live together before they got married for a little bit, so they knew what they were getting into. I'm no one to talk about "rushing things" - I'm a snail. Mark and I were together for TEN YEARS before we got married. Friday will be our THREE WEEK ANNIVERSARY! :-) He thinks it's silly for me to count down the weeks, but hey...how much longer do I get to do that? It's not like I'm out buying cards or anything.

Puke. I could just puke. If my stomach would just relax, I think I could go to sleep....

Just Stuff

I've been at my new job about a week and a half, and I'm kind of just asking the other recruiters what to do. That's what you do at a new job, right? EXCEPT. I don't know what I am already *supposed* to know as a Big-5 Recruiter, which I claimed to be, but am not. Sure, I worked for a Big-5, but not as a Recruiter, so I never learned their processes and procedures (and spreadsheets, I'm finding out). Everyone is only too nice to share their information, though, SO unlike agency recruiting, where everyone holds their knowledge close to their vest. All of the recruiters I've met at my new job have been incredibly nice, and...a lot like me? The girl that started on the same day I did - well, we have so much in common I can hardly believe it, and I've felt like an alien for so long now....I guess agency recruiting and the motivation behind it (money) just wasn't my cup of tea. I'd rather do my job and get paid for doing it instead of being in sales.

Mark's mother wants to throw us a reception, but there's a huge, or at least what I perceive to be huge, problem. Mark has all family and no friends for the reception. I have all friends and no family to invite to the reception. I feel weird that only MY friends will be there with only HIS family. IF any of my friends even come! Aren't we just the most mismatched couple you've ever seen? I make all of these friends but stay away from my family, and Mark is just the opposite? Perhaps that is one thing that attracted us to each other?

I wish I didn't feel so insecure about my job, and I'm RUNNING OUT OF MEDICATION! It is going to be a full $1500 if I don't get my health insurance card by Friday. Mark will FLIP OUT. Obviously he won't deny me anything, I've warned him before how much my medicine is without insurance, but warning someone and actually paying for it out of pocket are two seperate things. He said he's "sure it's "$1000", but I don't know what to do?

Should Have Seen It Coming

Why? Why do I have so much anxiety that I feel like I could throw up? I keep thinking about my new job, or perhaps I'm just trying to attach this feeling to something, anything.

I also got married 2 weeks ago - yay! But..my whole life has kind of changed. My job, my relationship status, no medical insurance....a lot is on my mind.

Swinging into "some" kind of mode had crossed my mind beforehand, but it doesn't make it any easier or more comfortable.

I've taken 4mg of klonipin....nothing. It hasn't phased me a bit, nor did the warm bath I just took. I don't understand. I increased my Seroquel at night from 100mg to 200mg a few months ago because of this. That alone should have done the trick.

Is this the price to pay for being bipolar? I know that keeping the same schedule and not changing things is incredibly important for my mental health, but you know, your life DOES change, and many times, for the better, like now. Why should I have to be punished for doing something GOOD for myself?

Am I in the throes of hypomania, or perhaps a serious panic attack?

It's almost crippling, debilitating. At one point, I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. Right now, my stomach has major butterflies - I feel like I'm in a "fight or flight" mode, and it's risen into my chest and head. It's so hard to describe! My hands are actually shaking.

It's not something I can't "live with" - I can still do things - like laundry, type a blog entry, take a bath, do my hair, etc. It's just so....physically uncomfortable. My shoulders are hunched up and I'm tense and I just want RELIEF!

I'm supposed to go out with my friends for Older Woman's birthday tonight, but I *really* don't want to go. Like this? In a major panic mode?

I need to go to the office store and buy a few supplies for my office so I can work from home when I want to (yay!), and skip that HORRENDOUS drive. It's 25 miles, which equates to an hour and a half on the freeway one way. It's horrible.

If I take a Seroquel, I simply won't be able to keep my eyes open, and is that really a solution? My doctor would probably say yes, it is, but I say no, it's not. I'm gaining weight as it is from the increase.

I'll just have to wait it out until it passes, assuming it's my new job.

I guess there are times I have to stop pretending I'm normal, and accept the facts. I'm not. Major changes will affect me majorly. Every bipolar book I've read even says so.

What am I supposed to do with THAT? It did cross my mind, but there's no possibility of preparing yourself for it before it comes. Increase my Seroquel dosage to 300mg? And what, not be able to get up in the morning? Eat myself out of house and home? I already can't go to bed until the Seroquel "kicks in", and it's making me gain weight because I start EATING!

I'll just have to "ride out the storm", I suppose...what choice do I have?

Up Early


So here I am, barely 4:30a, and I can't sleep. I got up about 10 minutes ago because it was better laying in bed with anxiety and my eyes open. I had a weird dream that I was in Vegas to get married and my fiance (not Mark) married someone else, and...it was just sad and pitiful.

I'm slowly coming to realize that my job is make the Managers, who are my "clients", happy. If that means go to Recruiting Agencies to get vendors so they have candidates IMMEDIATELY, then that's what I'll have to do. It's too bad that I can't...okay, WON'T go to my last place of employment, a Recruiting Agency, to do business with them because of my former boss. I have SUCH a good rapport already established with the Account Managers, especially "Older Woman". Isn't it a shame I won't work with her because of bitter feelings towards my jackass former boss?

I figured I would sleep in this morning, and stayed up until 11:45p last night, waiting for Mark to come home, eating because I'd already taken my Seroquel. I thought I'd just sleep in this morning and go to work when I woke up. Guess that isn't going to happen this time, is it?

Mark's Mom and Dad want to throw us is this reception at the place where we had our first date, which is a really nice place, but they want addresses, and they want to do it in the beginning of December. I'm so anxious about a reception, I don't know why! I just am. I really don't want to have one at all.

Might as well finish up a pot of coffee and go on in to work before traffic gets heavy....

KS
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