What a Week!

Thanks, Ivy, for your very insightful comments. I think you are so right about everything....

As far as my minor depression meltdown on Sunday, I think it had to do with several things. I just realized I was PMS'ing, I was going through the "disappointment" of realizing I may not get a call back about the Big-4 job, and still upset about the Cancun/Hurricane Dean trip. I'm okay now, but boy, am I EXHAUSTED!

I'm working 3 12 hour days this week (Tuesday, Weds, Thursday), and was GOING to take 1/2 day off on Friday, but my boss called me into an office this afternoon. Apparently, I'm 8 days "in the hole" for paid time off. He was really cool about it, though. I have a pretty big commission check coming out of my next paycheck, and he asked if I wanted 1 or 2 days to come out of it - but only if I wanted. I said sure - take 2 days out. Why not get it over with, you know? Then, he said I could make up my time by working extra hours - even from home on the weekends by just searching the job boards for candidates and sending him the hours I worked. So now I'm not leaving early Friday, I'm staying all day, and I'm SO TIRED! He actually left the whole thing up to me - to make up the time or not. The thing is, I would really like to take another trip again soon enough, so...I'd like to "get out of the hole" as soon as possible. I think it was cool of him that he was going to pay me for the time I took off without any "PTO", which is why I said sure, take out 2 days of pay from my commission. Now, I COULD have said take the whole thing out, but I just didn't want to do that after spending $1300/ticket for Mark and I to fly from Cancun to Atlanta (not even home!) to leave before Hurricane Dean.

Do you KNOW what he said, though? He said that *I* have the BEST commission plan of anyone in the company? I call "bullshit" on that. I don't believe it. Maybe of all the Recruiters, but I just can't believe of "everyone". I know that I have the best commission plan of anyone I know - of those I know what they are, which are kept pretty secretive. HOWEVER. It was HIS decision to make - to keep me or I'd leave for a company that offered me the EXACT same commission plan. What a guilt trip, eh? He then said I could pick a company of his, and I could be the Account Manager for it. Weird, huh? He also said, AGAIN, that I PROMISED him I would give him 1 year of committed service, without looking for another job, not answering any calls for recruiting positions (and he said he KNEW I was getting calls, but I know he was just guessing), and I told him I was 100% committed. The Big-4 is just a distant memory, and I don't think I want to travel anymore, anyway. If they actually called me now? Sure, I'd go ahead and pursue it - what would I have to lose?

I'm just too tired to write anymore. I THINK my Dad is doing better after his suicide attempt. I've been working too much to call him and check on him. Mark will be home from Chicago tomorrow night. I've been trying to go to bed much earlier so I can be up by 5:00 - 5:30a to make it to work by 7:00a every morning, but working until 7:00p is KILLING me. I've also been working out every day at lunch, which I hope is helpful.

That's about it. Sorry it's all about work, but that's all I've been doing....

It's Getting Worse...

Man...the more that time goes on, the worse I feel. What the hell is wrong with me? I took Klonipin like I'm supposed to do...although I'm not "panicked". Was it the sun at the pool?

I feel like going to bed and crying and crying until I fall asleep, IF I can fall asleep.

Don't think I have anything to cry about? Trust me, a million things will enter my mind to attach this depression to once I let it. It will suddenly be about anything and everything.

I must remember this is chemical, not *real* emotion that is attached to something.

It doesn't really matter...I just want to cry - REALLY cry, down deep, where I can't stop even if I wanted to, and I hope it snaps back into place before work at 8:00am tomorrow morning.

I can NOT fall apart.

Big Baby

I feel...down. Not depressed, but I *could* go lay down and bed and just....lay there.

I took all of the *.jpg files I'd taken from my digital camera off of 2 of my computers and burned them on CD's, and had them developed. I then made a large scrapbook, with Cancun and "keepsakes" included. It's actually pretty cool. My John Mayer ticket stubs are there...all kinds of pictures of Mark, myself, and tons of my dog Cody before he died. Mark looked at Cody's pages with fondness when I showed him my book.

Is it going to work tomorrow that has me feeling deflated? Is it the fact that the Big-4 never called me back, and it will be a week since I've spoken to the Recruiter on Tuesday, when she said we'd talk again on Thursday after the budget meeting? Yeah, that's a lot of it. All kinds of scenarios are going through my head about what could have happened, when I just need to put it behind me.

Is it that I'm not happy at my current job? I've been watching the clock like I've never done before at work. Literally. But that's only been since I found out about the other job. If I could get the BIG-4 job out of my head and put my whole heart into my current job, maybe that's all it would take to fix it.

I feel REALLY CHEATED about having to come home from Cancun 2 days early because of Hurricane Dean. I was having a really good time, and had been looking SO forward to that vacation. I'd planned and shopped for months, and while I know it's no one's fault, I can't help but feel bitter. But towards what or whom? I don't have a clue.

I'm trying to use FaceBook, but hardly anyone I know uses it. It will all be new people that I'd meet over FaceBook if I use it, and I tried a bit today. I sent a few messages to people I didn't know asking genuine questions, and they all answered me right away and were very friendly. I was surprised they responded at all. Is the purpose of FaceBook to meet NEW people or stay in touch with you CURRENT friends?

The only thing I've got going for me right now is my awesome tan that everyone keeps commenting on and what a "different look" for me it is (that part is from Older Woman - haha). My skin is pretty pale (no, not GOTH pale, a little darker than porcelain), so when I have a tan, it's a big change.

Honestly, now that I'm taking assessment, what DO I have going for me? Where am I headed? My job is going nowhere. I'm not exactly planning my wedding, so my love life must not be moving along, either. I've stagnated. Nothing is improving or getting better.

I'm getting older, time is marching right across my face, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I should be at the pinnacle of my career - married, with children, but here I am, living with my fiance, at a company for a year and unhappy with my place in life.

Waa...right? Right. I'm a big, ungrateful baby.

Don't I have the right to just be unhappy?

Maybe I'll go take some Klonipin before this spirals more out of control.

Back to Normal?

Well, today I start my diet again, so I weighed myself to see where I'm beginning after my trip to Cancun, and eating whatever I wanted until today. I gained 4.5 pounds. That's actually LESS than I thought I had gained. So...back to Weight Watchers and stupid 18 points a day! That KILLS me! I'm back in the 130's again at 131.5 - it freaks me out when I'm in the 130's. That's when I know I'm truly fat and won't be able to fit into a lot of my clothes! But, it still won't keep me from going to the pool in my bikini. I want to get a deeper tan.

I have a warrant out for my arrest for a speeding ticket, but it's due to no fault of my own! I did what I was supposed to, but messed up the first time. They sent everything back to me, I did as I was told and apparently missed the deadline, and now have a warrant. I called the City, and you know what they told me?? Once they receive my payment, it takes 10 to 15 days to update their system!!! I thought maybe I should just go pay the ticket in person instead of defensive driving, and canceling the check I sent via email. Mark said not to do that, because if they try to cash a check that had been voided, I might get a warrant for my arrest again. Mark is going to be in Chicago next week. What am I supposed to do if I get pulled over and taken to jail??? How will I get out??? Who will come to bail me out?

I called my Dad last night to check up on him after his suicide attempt about...2 weeks ago now? His major issue was that he was not sleeping...at ALL. The trazadone has him sleeping about 3 hours a night, so he considers that an improvement. I would die on only 3 hours of sleep a night, and I think it's still getting to him too. He thinks that his medication may be working. He's taking trazadone, haldol, celexa, and a little bit of klonipin. Some of it is pretty heavy, wouldn't you say? But he was *this close* to being successful at suicide. He sounds happy and thankful when I call him to check up on him - even though I keep it brief. I think I keep it short because I really don't want to know that he's NOT doing well, he does NOT feel better. I just want to hear him say he's improving. I told him to give his medication a few weeks, and he said that he was told it could be as long as 6 weeks before he felt the effects. I'm SO GLAD someone told him that. It will at least keep hope alive for 6 weeks, anyway.

Just as I predicted, the Big-4 didn't call on Thursday like the Recruiter said she would. But I know there's a million reasons why she wouldn't. The thing is...as a Recruiter, I know how important it is to keep your candidates "warm" by speaking to them regularly, and now I'm having second thoughts about the position. Traveling 3 days out of the week, and being a contractor? The contractor part is what gets me the most - and I'd have to figure out the insurance part. I'd have NO BENEFITS, not that what I have right now is so great. Had she called, I'd still be really psyched. Mark said to call next week, like on Monday, so I guess I will to show I'm a "tenacious Recruiter", but I really don't feel like it. If she had news to tell me, she'd call.

My boss is wigging out about me at work. I left my cellphone at home yesterday, so I was having a private conversation with Mark on my work phone. My boss sent me an email that said "Are you ok?" which is bizarre for him. I just replied "Yes, I'm great! Thanks for asking!". He didn't leave it alone, though. He responded that he worries when I have quiet conversations. Well, sometimes they're personal, and I don't want to get up and leave the room and be obvious when I have my cellphone, and I don't want everyone to hear what I'm saying when I AM in the room. Does he think I'm talking about my Dad? (I told him on a voicemail when I was out a day), does he think I'm looking for another job? Why is he so concerned? Why does he care? I don't get it.

My friends said he was in a bad mood the whole time I was gone, but now that I'm back, he's been in a good mood. They said it's because his "superstar" is back. I can't believe it would affect his mood at all. But him freaking out that I sent Older Woman and Bipolar Girl an email about being stuck with the hurricane coming to Cancun, and not updating him as well makes me wonder what he thinks about our relationship? When Bipolar Girl emailed me that he freaked when she told him and I didn't notify him as well, I sent him an email right away, which he responded to RIGHT AWAY, which is so unlike him. I don't understand him at all. We're not friends, in my opinion. He's my "crack the whip" boss that can really be a jerk sometimes. That's how I see him. But...he can also go above and beyond when someone he cares about, in his "extended family", which he considers his employees, need help.

I'm going to the eye doctor and to the pool today. Mark is sick, and I REALLY hope I don't get it, too. I don't have the luxury of missing a single day of work again.


It's 11:30a and I'm still at home, not at work. I don't think I'll go into work today - I might just stay home in bed. I don't consider myself depressed, I just don't feel like going to work. Going to the pool if Mark were home? Sure! Going shopping with him? Sure! I just noticed everything is WITH MARK, and not by myself. Not quite sure why that is. There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't go to work except I am SO TIRED. I don't understand why I am exhausted. And yesterday at work, around 2:00p, I just started watching the clock, hardly working.

The Big-4 is supposed to call me today about the Recruiter's position, but I've already set myself up, knowing they won't call. Recruiters say a lot of things and don't follow through. I'm so cynical about Recruiters since I am one. I know there could be a MILLION reasons why she wouldn't call - she's out of the office, the meeting for the budget could get cancelled or her boss may be out of the office and miss the meeting completely, she has other more pressing needs to complete, and on and on. If she actually called me, it would be a miracle.

I HATE Kaiser Insurance! I actually read an article by them that they don't believe in "institutionalizing" patients, and think they would get better care from there families if it were eliminated. That would explain why my Dad was yanked out of the psych ward 2 days before he committed suicide on the first day of being admitted at 11:00 at night! Do you realize that he was supposed to have a nurse come by several times a day and a social worker do the same thing after he was discharged from the hospital? How many times do you think they've visited him? ZERO. He STILL hasn't seen a psychiatrist, and won't until MONDAY. If there was an "entity" I could slap around for Kaiser, I'd probably beat the crap out of them. At least my feelings were validated. Mark works for one of the largest, if not THE largest health care institute in the country, and said Kaiser is basically the bottom of the barrel, and well known for that. He doesn't say that about my own plan - he just says "I have no information about it", and knows they've never "screwed" me. But Kaiser - he has pretty strong feelings about their incompetence. I just wish it weren't incompetence regarding my DAD!

After speaking to him a few times on the phone, he sounds totally hopeless. He told me that the reasons he did what he did were still there, and kind of left it at that. What am I supposed to say? If it were anyone but my DAD, I'd have plenty to say. My Aunt and I are kind of convinced he's going to do this again, and she calls and talks to him at length, while I call and keep it pretty brief.

God, I do NOT want to go in to work today, but my cellphone just rang, and I KNOW it was someone from work. Please God, just let me sleep the day away.....

Chicago - OOPS!

I just couldn't do it today.

Today was my first day back from my "vacation", if you can call that stressful period one, and I just couldn't dig in and get work done. It was all I could do to stay until 5:00, when I probably should have stayed until 7:00. I thought people were supposed to come all refreshed from vacations and ready to face the world, excited about their work? God, I could hardly bear it.

Mark has a possibility of a job in Dallas instead of this Chicago/Dallas fiasco he's now doing, so that makes the position I applied for and am speaking to the Big-4 about kind of silly. Why would I want to travel 3 days out of the week to Chicago when Mark was home every night of the week? But I can't let that deter me....he doesn't have the job YET, and the company he applied for will move quicker than mine, so I should have time to "wait it out".

Heck, as far as I know, neither Mark nor I will hear from either company ever again. How do you even know about these things? I'm so cynical from being a Recruiter. If I weren't, I would be so much more positive.

People commented on my new tan today at work, how sorry they were about my vacation, etc., etc. Older Woman said she saw the interview on television of the TX couple who were on the last plane from Cancun, but it wasn't me. She said she kept scanning the Cancun airport, but she didn't see me. We were probably at the airport's "Marguaritaville" having margaritas and guacamole! We had about an hour to kill before the plane left because we "hustled" so fast.

There's a guy at work I *really* don't like, and he's the boyfriend of a girl that sits right by me. I think he's a male chauvinist, and I am NOT nice to him in the LEAST. I'm a naturally friendly, happy person to everyone - it's my facade, or at least, how I see myself. The fact that I'm cold to him and shoot him glaring glances should make anyone wonder, but not him. He's too full of himself to care. I even type hateful things about him in the notes in our database that I know he'll read. Man, he pisses me off.

There always has to be someone or something, doesn't it? Maybe that's just human nature.

Why the Anxiety?

I'm giving myself so much anxiety thinking about the job at the Big-4 that I've had to take Klonipin now, and I'm doing all this laundry because I have so much extra energy. It means a lot to me, yet...how do I know that there will even be a position available after whatever meeting the Recruiter's boss is going to go to to discuss the budget? She mentioned contract to hire, I said okay... You see, I never would have quit the other Big-4 I was at for 7-8 years, except I got fired when I was very, very depressed. I just couldn't make it into the office, and whether I was there or not, I wasn't working. Trust me, I deserved to be fired, and I know and accept that.

Why does this mean so much to me? Well, as a Recruiter, having a Big-4 on your resume is HUGE - you are a "hot commodity". Not that I would intend on leaving. I'd be finding a job in Chicago, where Mark basically works, and doing what I want to do, not this bullcrap I'm doing now. It makes me see how much I REALLY hate my job. I know I'm good at what I do - really good, but would I be good at what THEY would want me to do? I don't know.

Mark and Older Woman said the job is basically mine if I wanted it and they would be lucky to get me, but what are they supposed to say? Good luck, you'd really be pulling one off if you got it?

I just don't understand the anxiety.

I already got screened and past the Corporate Recruiter, and she said her boss "definitely" wants to talk to me, and she'll give me a call on Thursday after his meeting. I know she'll call my house, not my cell, so I won't know it until I get home. Don't worry, I'm a Recruiter, I know better than to take another Recruiter's word, like "I'll call you on Thursday". That's "maybe I'll get around to it, and if I have no or bad news, I probably won't." Tough words, I know, but..that's the "racket" of this job. I REALLY put off bad or no news.

I've got to focus on my current job - it's probably the only thing I have, and make the best of it. I'm making pretty good money there, it's challenging, I'm well liked and respected, what more could I ask for, right? Besides, the pain of having to tell my boss, who has done so much for me, would be excruciating.

Gifts from Flight Attendant!

Here are the things the flight attendant from Delta gave me on our trip back home from Cancun because of Hurricane Dean. A huge bottle of water from Russia, 2 cans of Coke from Italy, and an international flight travel bag. He didn't give ANY of this to other passengers - just ME. And...he stood there and talked to me FOREVER. Mark is more than a little upset because he thinks he was "flirting" with me and trying to "pick me up" right in front of him. But see...I'm the kind of person that will just talk to anyone, and here's the thing. People don't really care about YOU, they like to talk about THEMSELVES. So you just ask them questions, and they will go on and on. That is exactly what happened and I think why he liked me so much. I'm just guessing here. Maybe I have a friendly face? By the way, the seats in the Business Class were the most awesome seats I've ever had. They beat First Class (which we had on the way home from Atlanta to Dallas) on American by a MILE. Mark said it was because Delta had "flown in" an international plane, not a domestic, but I don't care. The difference was HUGE. Don't get me wrong, not $1300 per seat HUGE, but still....big difference.

I just found out about an hour ago that they are considering making the position I want at the Big-4 a contract position, or Contract to Hire because of budgetary reasons. I guess they don't have the headcount to hire a perm employee (my guess only). I NEED health insurance, and would have to make that my priority. But see, here's the thing. This is the way I snuck in the "back door" to the other Big-4 company - contract to hire, and could be the way I "sneak" myself into this position, too. The Recruiter said her Manager "DEFINITELY" wants to talk to me, but he has to attend a meeting on Thursday to find out if he can hire a perm employee or a contractor. I already told her I'd be a contractor if there was a possibility of being hired permanent. Again, this is based on health insurance, although I didn't tell her that. REMEMBER WHEN GETTING A JOB: The OPPORTUNITY is the most important thing - once an offer is on the table, that's the time to negotiate EVERYTHING.

My boss was actually UPSET that I sent Bipolar Girl and Older Woman an email about the Hurricane, and not HIM. Can you believe that? WHY does he think we have to have this "close relationship"? Bipolar Girl sent me an email telling me that, so I quickly sent him one and that I was safe in Dallas. I'm glad we left Cancun when we did, even though it didn't get hit as hard as I thought. Our flight was cancelled for today, and who knows when we could have left? Who knows what services would be available to us at the hotel? I've heard the weather is very windy and crappy right now in Cancun, so we wouldn't even be able to lay out at the beach. We would have NOTHING to do, nowhere to go, and maybe nothing to eat or drink. The more I thought about it yesterday, the more I believed we did the right thing. Besides, who wants to spend ANY time in a cramped, crappy shelter with other tourist "refugees"?

Please cross your fingers that I get the job with the Big-4! I hope they don't cancel it completely! How in the world would I tell my boss?

Cancun Hotel Notices for Hurricane Dean

Here are the "official" letters we received from our hotel in Cancun, informing us of Hurricane Dean. The first one is polite but I was mad about the information, the second one is demanding. Double-click to read it yourself (as best you can).

They aren't in the best condition as I hurriedly shoved them in my suitcase with something wet and they crinkled up!

First half is in Spanish, and letter is not dated.

Due to the need to protect all our guests and employees, we are obliged to limit guest services as of Monday August 20 at 12 noon.

Breakfast will be available on Monday at the Vina del Mar restaurant, Coral Cafe and Room Service until noon. Pools and all pool services will be closed Monday August 20 and Tuesday August 21.

All restaurants, bars and recreational services including the gym and Spa, will be closed until we are able to reopen.

Thank you for your understanding.

The Management

2nd letter - they weren't so polite this time!

Agosto 17th, 2007 (August 17, 2007)

Dear Guests,

The latest weather forecast report indicates that hurricane Dean's projected path should reach the Yucatan peninsula and Cancun by 2:00a.m. on Tuesday August 21.

We recommend that you make immediate arrangements to depart from Cancun between Saturday 18 and at the very latest Monday 20 August. Our concierge department and management will assist you with arrangements to depart by air or ground transportation.

Based on our experience with "Wilma" we insist you take all measures to depart as a hurricane experience can be traumatizing and very dangerous.

Our prime concern is the safety of our guests and our employees.

Yours sincerely,

The Management

I guess time will tell if our $3300 was well spent.

Pics of Cancun and my Dad

First of all - Cancun! We avoided the hurricane to the total sum of $3300 for the tickets from Cancun to Atlanta, then Atlanta to my town in Texas - and in addition, a hotel room in Atlanta. I think that cost more than the trip? I don't know what we would have done if we hadn't have had the money. Stayed there, I guess. My Dad said he and his wife had been watching the Hurricane news 24/7, watching Cancun, and now they can watch regular television! :-)

Some good things DID come out of us leaving Cancun. At a bar/restaurant in the Cancun airport - Marquiritaville, we had some of the BEST guacamole we've ever had. We had NO idea what we were doing when Mark ordered guacamole for his chips, and we found out this was their "specialty". A cart pulled up next to our table with a man behind it, and HAND MADE our guacamole, asking "do you want tomatoes?" "do you want onions?", smashing the avocados all the while. FRESH guacamole by a professional canNOT be beat. Mark playfully says he'd go back to Cancun just for the guacamole. I would LOVE to go back to Cancun - but...uhmmm...no. I guess we should say "been there, done that" and move on.

I said "Ola" and "gracias" and "buenas dies" to everyone, but it didn't matter. I guess I looked too American, because everyone said "hello", "good morning", etc. to me, and it started to get me down a little. I wanted to be treated like a native! :-) Mark knows a LITTLE Spanish (putting it mildly - he took the class 3 times in high school...yes, 3 times...)

I'm posting some pictures of Cancun - I would have had SO MUCH MORE, but how was I supposed to know that on Sunday at 11:30a we would have to make reservations and be at the airport by 2:30??? I also have more pictures from Cancun on my waterproof camera from XCaret.

Mark and I are watching The Weather Channel to see what happens to Cancun. Right now, it looks like a Tropical Storm...

The Living room in our Suite

Our Jacuzzi in the bathroom

The bedroom (of course it looked better with the bed made and my shoes and junk out of the way)

There were scores of groups of men and women dressed like this on our way to the Mayan show (see previous blog). It was fascinating, and they were SO serious.

A "random girl" Mark took a picture of in the ocean in Cancun before Hurricane Dean. :-)

Now...my Dad, because I just got off the phone with him.

His stupid insurance company doesn't think he needs inpatient medical care (psychiatric or physical), and his first visit since his near-death suicidal attempt to his psychiatrist isn't until MONDAY. But TODAY is Monday! That's a week away! When I got out of the psych ward for suicidal depression, my doctor NEVER would have let me do that. But...he never went to the psych ward. They asked him the normal question over and over "are you thinking or planning on hurting yourself or others?" and his answer was always "no", because he's not right at this moment. But he does want to! He's VERY depressed, wallowing in self pity, and I know that sounds negative, but I don't mean it to be. He has a lot of things to "wallow" in, being depressed, or even not.

At the hospital, they put him on Trazadone, Haldol, Klonipin, and one other drug. I was like "Damn!" in my head, because of BOTH the Trazadone and the Haldol. The stronger the drug, the better. He sounds so frail, I just can't believe it. He's only 58! I sent him a really expensive blanket from a website I found, and he loves it SO MUCH! He was actually afraid that someone was going to steal it from him in the hospital!
Mark said he had to fight through similar issues with me and my insurance company when I was in the psych ward, but of course I don't remember. He was furious when I was relating the story to him because it took him back to that time.
I'm pretty worried about my Dad. Please keep him in your prayers. I don't know that he'll get all of his memory back, I don't know that he'll be back where he was physically (which wasn't great, but at least back at the same level), and mentally? Well, I tried to prepare him. I told him it took me 2 years to just be "okay" after letting myself fall down so hard so he wouldn't expect his recovery should take a few days. It doesn't.

A Miracle

Well, unbelievable story. Our hotel was trying to get us to leave, but their were no flights out of Cancun (because of Hurricane Dean). They said all services (including food - room and restaurants!! and water!!) would be cut off on Monday at noon.

Businesses were already boarding up their windows, and in stores, they were gathering up their merchandise and putting it into bags.

So, being the dumb-butt I am, I thought....we'll spend the day gathering up supplies for the Hurricane, and then I'll make a reservation at the 5-star restaurant for tonight before all of the services are cut off.

I kept calling and calling the Reception Desk, but she kept saying "No, Ms. KansasSunflower, you need to leave hotel!". I kept getting more and more angry. What choice did I have about leaving?

About the umpteenth time I called, and of course they knew me by now, the girl at the Reception Desk told me Delta sent a plane to Cancun, and they had some seats left!

I had just gotten out of the shower and had clean clothes on, but that was it. I put my wet hair up and flew down to the lobby.

There were a few couples already there trying to get tickets, but I pushed myself to the front and said "I'm Kansas Sunflower, and the Concierge just told me to come here for tickets out of Cancun" with true assertiveness.

I got tired of them helping the person that they were already working with when I got there, and thought "screw this", and went up to my room to call Delta myself. Mark had gone with me, and I told the Concierge that he was staying in my place. I later learned as soon as I left, they told him there were no seats. He was horrified and always considers me his "lucky charm" (I mean really - who finds out about seats because they keep calling about a restaurant reservation), but they told him there were still business class/first class seats available. How much were they? You really want to know? $1300 A PIECE.

I was back at the desk by then and heard that part, and we just looked at each other, and I said "okay - we'll take them". I mean, how do you put a price on your life? Having food? Water? Air conditioning? A running toilet? I was told that the last hurricane that came through Cancun held the airport down for TWENTY DAYS! That would mean 20 days worth of paying for a 5-star resort - $1300/apiece for a seat isn't so bad when you look at all of those things.

Delta decided to take one of their planes, call in 2 767 pilots, and a crew at 10:00 and have them to the airport by 11:00. The plane LEFT Cancun at 2:30. You have no idea what we went through to get to the airport on time.

I got very "chummy" with one of the flight attendants. I don't think Mark liked it much, but oh well, I learned a lot. He said the flight sold out in TWO HOURS! All I can think of is that Delta called the top hotels' concierge's and told them, because I saw a several people from our hotel there, and honestly, who could afford those kind of prices, and how would word spread so fast? Everyone had to find out SOME way, and Delta was itching to leave FAST.

Anyways, the Delta flight attendant dude. He told me all about this flight and other things in general, gave me 2 Coca-Cola cans from Spain (in their language, of course), and a huge bottle of water that was printed in Russian. He THEN gave me a "kit" for international flights because he thought I would like it - flights that are like 15 hours long, I guess. That's what he usually does. Everyone kept turning around or looking over at me a little jealously. What was I supposed to do? The guy was WAY COOL to talk so much to me about fascinating things and give me that cool stuff. He even told me how to get the liquids through (it wasn't a big deal or violation).

We only had one choice as to where to go: Atlanta, Georgia, and that's exactly where I am right now, typing this entry. By the time we got here, got through customs, got our bags scanned, and ran all over the Atlanta airport, no more flights were left for my city. So we're going to sleep in tomorrow and our flight leaves around noon.

I took LOTS of pictures, so hopefully I'll be able to post them soon.

Update on my Dad. His crap company for Health Insurance sent him home after being in ICU for over a week and he can barely walk and his speech is HORRIBLE. He can't think of the words he wants to use, and he desperately needs speech/physical therapists. They told him, last time I spoke with him, that he should go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist once a week, and be treated as an outpatient, not in a psych ward. Are you friggin' KIDDING me?? He honestly, no "cry for help" tried to kill himself, and that's their answer??

He left me a message that thanked me for my calls and he loved the blanked I sent him, and also said I was probably the only person who could understand what he's going through. Yeah...he's probably right, but he may be experiencing it 100 times more than I ever did - how do I know? My God, what if he tries to kill himself again, and it was all because of his insurance company's "bottom line"?

Mark and I are watching the progression of Hurricane Dean like a hawk as far as Cancun is concerned. Obviously, we want to see what we would have gone through had we stayed. It seems like I'm forgetting something really important about Cancun, except...DAMNIT!!! I missed 3 glorious days of being in Cancun!!!!!

I can't believe my luck lately. Has it been bad or what? If bad things happen in 3's, then I have my third already.

I got "Montezuma's Revenge" while in Mexico, and still have it. Try having it on a plane from Cancun to Atlanta.

Cancun - Thus Far

I suppose my next entry will be about Hurricane Dean, so I'll post about our days here in Cancun thus far.

For some reason, I can't upload pictures to blogger from our hotel room, so I'll do that when I get home. (If I get home?)

Our room is UNBELIEVABLE! Pictures just don't do it justice. It's huge - with a large living area, a large bedroom, and a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi. I wish we had the shower they have here at home. Our view is an OceanFront, and that is unbelievable as well!

We took a "tour" to XCaret - a sort of "theme park" yesterday. It didn't start out well. The tour bus missed our hotel, and I had to go to the travel agency in our hotel and they called and made them come back.

I get INTENSELY motion sick, and then I panic about it which makes it worse, but after the 2nd Dramamine kicked in, I was okay on the bus.

Almost everyone here speaks English to some extent, but I've been trying to say "Ola" instead of "hello", and the few Spanish words I know. It doesn't matter, though. I must look very "United States", because they still speak to me in English - broken or not. Some of the time, they are TRYING to speak English, but I don't have a clue what they're saying. I'm sure it is the same when I'm trying to speak Spanish!

My skin is peeling, and I went to the spa to get an "exfoliation". I'd never had one of those at a spa! Very interesting experience. However, it was just hours after the treatment that my skin was peeling again. Mark and I think it's not from Cancun, but from laying out in Texas.

Needless to say, we've had a great time so far! We spent the first day just lying around at the beach, and doing whatever we wanted. It was so relaxing. The next day (yesterday), we went to XCaret - a sort of "theme park" with "sort of" ruins in it. We swam through the coolest "river" - all of my pictures are on my waterproof camera. It was LONG, and we opted out of the flippers and snorkel equipment. I just couldn't imagine putting my mouth where someone else had put their's. Because of it, EVERYONE kept passing us, and splashing us in our faces when they kicked. It was still fun. :-) Anyways, it was through the world's largest coral reef, and went from one end of the park to the other, and took us about 1-2 hours! Yes, I was tired of swimming by then! It was so "into nature". The scenery was BEAUTIFUL, but everytime I brushed against the coral reef I got the creeps because it's like mold!

We kept getting lost in the park - it's not like Six Flags which we're used to navigating through.

We were all set to watch a show - I'm not even sure what it was about, and then this huge DOWNPOUR of rain started, and we had to run under shelter. It didn't stop for a good 30 min - 1 hour, and then it was all muddy and wet. Not pleasant. Mark and I went to the gift shop and shopped - they had TONS of things. All we bought yesterday were flip flops for Mark because he misunderstood that it was a WATER park, a backpack for the "ruins" we were GOING to see today before we found out about the hurricane, and a cap for me to keep the rain out of my eyes. I didn't even use the cap!

We "immersed" ourselves into the Mexican culture by attending a show called "Mexico Espectacular". It was unbelievable, but we know NOTHING about Mexican culture, and the fact that things were explained in Spanish made us clueless as to what was really happening. You didn't need to know Spanish to be amazed, though. The funny thing is...people knew words to songs, clapped and did the "wave" to songs we'd never heard.

We freaked out when we couldn't find our bus to go home. Mark panicked, but a taxi back to our hotel (45 miles) was only $60, so I wasn't worried. After about 25 minutes, Mark just happened to see a row of buses on the side, and there was our bus!

What are we doing right now? Well, we're getting ready to prepare for Hurricane Dean - going to get tons of bottled water and things we can eat without cooking. Then we're going to layout at the pool.

EVERYTHING at the hotel, including all restaurants and room service, will be closed tomorrow (Monday) at noon. So we'll have access to NOTHING.

If you have a suggestion of anything else we need for the Hurricane, please let me know. I think I'm going to call my boss and let him know what's going on in case I can't come home on Tuesday and be back to work on Wednesday...

No Flights Out

Hurricane Dean is a Hurricane 4, and is predicted to be a Hurricane 5.

We just checked, and there are NO flights out of Cancun before it hits, Tuesday at 2:00a.

Looks like I'll be "riding it out".....

Can you BELIEVE my luck lately?

Hurricane Dean!

So wouldn't you know it...here I am, on vacation after many years, with enough energy and not depressed in the least to have a good time. Guess what happens?

Hurricane Dean!

It's supposed to hit Cancun on Tuesday around 2:00a. At our hotel, they sent everyone letters telling us to get in with the Concierge to schedule a flight out of here. Are you friggin kidding me? It SEEMS to me like it may be taking a northern turn if you really study the history of it. Texas, where I live, will definitely see some rain out of this.


You should see the lines to the conceirge for the past 6 hours or so - out of control! I've been trying to convince Mark to STAY until Tuesday, not leave a day early, but he is out of his mind from worry. For one thing, who can say they've been through at least a "tropical storm", and for another, what are the chances it will keep up momentum, AND hit Cancun?

Do I sound like I'm from Florida now? haha. :-)

I went to the spa today to get an "exfoliation" - I'm peeling like mad, but I'm not really burned. It may be from laying out at the pool from Texas. I noticed a difference at first, but now I'm back to peeling.

Everytime I see something in pesos, I freak! That's $770? Oh, that's pesos, so it's about $77? It's so confusing.

On another note, my DAD was sent HOME! If you've been reading my blog, you will be flabbergasted. I think he's going to a rehab facility, and then a psychiatrist every few weeks, and a psychologist every few weeks.

For a man that HONESTLY tried to kill himself, no bullshit, no playing around, no "cry for help", do you think this is really the best answer? I don't think it's NEARLY aggressive enough. I didn't try to commit suicide, but was simply (ha - so easily said - "simply") suicidal, and I got SO much treatment from my insurance company. Damned Kaiser Insurance. His insurance company SUCKS.

Other than that, vacation has been great! I wish it would never end, and Mark wasn't being such a sad sack.

And for some reason, being in Cancun, blogger is in Spanish. What's up with that?

Jumble of Stuff

I'm leaving for Cancun in a few hours, but I'm taking my digital camera with me and my computer so hopefully I can post each day about my vacation! :-)

My STUPID boss called me at 8:30 last night and asked if I was coming in to work today. He said he hadn't heard from me all day yesterday, and wasn't sure if I had gone to Colorado or not. My friends at work said that he said NOTHING about me being gone the day before yesterday, nor yesterday. I guess he's a GOOD boss that way - being very sensitive. I suppose he just forgot I was going on vacation. I sent him an email at 11:00p, and called Older Woman who said she would take care of it with him today.

I told my Aunt what I thought about our family having mental illness, fully intending to educate her about it since my Dad tried to commit suicide two weeks ago. I thought I'd start with her since I'm talking to her the most right now. I also wanted to know about why we never talk about my other Aunt that committed suicide.

Here's her response:

(Kansas Sunflower)

...As to thequestion about why no one talks about the subject (my Aunt committing suicide) is that it is very very painful. (Your) Aunt fought a brave long battle against her depression. She read, she saw doctors, she took meds. Her support system quit on her. (Her husband and daughter) just gave up I think. I truly believe she felt she had no support. She had me and she had (your other Aunt) but we were at a distance, in our own daily lives and had no idea how bad she was, how to help, etc. Tough deal.

I do not take your question lightly, and would love to talk to you sometime about as much as you need to know. E-mail way is tough for me asit sounds so cold. I fight my own battles with depression also. Remember though, that this family has some wonderful people in it. Maybe for the sensitivity to others, the kindness of heart, etc. one has to pay a price -thus depression. I sure don't know all the answers. All I DO know is thatI love you, I am here, and I will try to answer any questions, but remember, it is like a Pondora's box. Sometimes I have to leave the damned lid shut! Love ya, Hon."

So it sounds like she is aware, yes?

They are moving my Dad to a rehab place for a few days, and after that, I don't know what will happen to him. Hopefully he'll be going to a psych hospital or ward. He absolutely LOVES the blanket I sent him - he mentions it each time I call him. I'm so happy he likes it. :-) He still sounds strange - very weak and unable to think of words he wants to use, but about 200% better than he did. I just can't believe he hurt himself so badly that he's having to go through everything he is.

Mark told me to be patient with the Big-4 company that wants to hire me. Well, that sounds pretty arrogant. The company that is considering me. He said it took 6 weeks from beginning the interview process with his current job to actually getting hired. I'm just SO used to a company knowing right away that they want me, or my reputation preceding me so they know they already want me as well. I don't wait for days to get responses back. But, being a Recruiter, I know how busy people get, and I DID tell the Recruiter I was going to be on vacation until next Wednesday, when she wanted the second interview wrapped up by Friday.

I'm actually excited about traveling 3 days out of 5 to Chicago! Mark will be there a lot of the time, I can work remotely 2 days out of 5, and I'll be able to, eventually, travel internationally to places like Australia! I can stay in Dallas until we sell our house and move there, and really...this almost seems like the perfect set-up. And this opportunity came to *me*, I wasn't even looking for a job!

Well, I'm off to finish packing for Cancun. It looks like Hurricane Dean (or tropical storm or whatever) will be in Cancun while we're there, which SUCKS! I'm really upset about it.

Yes? No? Leave It Alone?

How do I get through to my family that mental illness runs in families?? My Dad is "fighting back" for his life and basic functions like talking, being able to get out of bed (forget walking), things like that, after his suicide attempt almost two weeks ago. My Aunt loves him dearly and is concerned, but shared with me that she was mad at him a bit in the beginning because my aunt committed suicide (about 18-19 years ago?) and she thought he "knew better". My sister isn't talking to him because he used insulin as "part of his plan", and they're both diabetic, which I don't really understand her thinking, but I've never claimed to "get" her.

He didn't DO this to ANYBODY. He was in pain - indescribable, excruciating, unbearable pain. Do any of them think that he wanted to be in this situation right now? It's pathetic, to say the least.

Does it take someone who has "been there" to understand? Is that why I have sympathy? I WOULD say "empathy", but I've never honestly tried to take my life. I've prayed God would take me, I've carelessly taken too many pills, but I've not done what he did - everything in his power besides jumping off a bridge or using a gun to kill myself.

Everyone is "concerned". My aunt has talked about what a waste it was when this intelligent, witty person was in a house all day by himself, day after day. Well, my God! He's legally blind, has had surgery on his back, needs surgery on his neck, and many other ailments. Sure, he probably felt sorry for himself most of the time.

When I talked to him today, I wanted to talk politics with him SO BADLY like we always have - he's been my ally for more years than I can remember. I couldn't help it. I told him Karl Rove was out of the White House, and he said he heard about it already! I thought that was progress - he was watching the news. That was our goal at one point - to get Karl Rove out, but not in such a dignified way, of course. :-) I was happy he remembered that.

I don't want to be the one to educate my family on mental illness, because #1 will they even be receptive to me, the little granddaughter/niece?, and #2 is this even a subject that is "acceptable" to talk about it my family? As far as I know, it's VERY taboo.

My Dad deserves for everyone to understand this wasn't a character flaw he had, that he wasn't weak and just "gave in", that he's mentally ill. But am I the one to go to each member and tell them that? That would require me to tell my own story to get my point across...

...but with our family history, and now with their feelings on the line for my Dad, they really need to know...yes? no? leave it alone?

I Did It!

I'm home right now, and I don't really know why. I think I've just HAD IT at work and am ready for my vacation. I called and left a message on my boss's cell phone about my Dad and told him it was easier to tell him about it on a message than in person. I also called back and left a message that I was getting ready to come in, but I don't feel like it.

Well, I made it to the next "round" for the Big-4 Consulting Company Recruiting position! It was only an informal telephone interview, but she felt I had the experience she was looking for, and wants to set up a 45 minute conference call with HER superior, and I think she is the one I would be reporting to directly. She's from the East Coast, so she has that accent, but she still sounds nice (sorry to any NE'erners!). We kind of "clicked", so I hope I do with the next person, too. I managed to dodge the "how much money do you need?" question, as well as the "why would you want to go to a corporate setting vs. an agency setting, where you make so much more?" question. Now THAT question is a toughie, but I've been practicing it in my mind over and over.

To be hired by this company, gosh, I would feel so...honored, has anyone ever felt like that about a company? Yet, she seemed to feel the same way about me because of my skillset. Yes, Big-4 experience with "this type of technology" does not grow on trees, but I'm not stupid enough to think they would take a good candidate without the Big-4.

The good thing about it is that it is in Chicago. The bad thing is that it would be traveling 3 days out of 5 of the week. But if it's Chicago, well...Mark is in Chicago about 2 weeks out of 3. The companies are only 4 miles apart, and we could potentially share a hotel room, go to dinner together, etc. The IDEAL situation would then be for us to just move to Chicago. I would still have to travel, though...so would he. We would have to sell our home which is the only hard part about it, but if we're still working some in Dallas, we have all the time in the world.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I just don't see them actually LIKING me enough to hire me. Yes, I've recently had 2 job offers on the spot, but that was with AGENCIES, not corporations. Completely different world.

And...she wanted to set up the next interview by the end of THIS week. I will be in Cancun until Tuesday evening. Maybe that's a good thing - to look like I'm not so "available" or "desperate"? What am I talking about, of course it does and of course I am not. And she KNOWS I'm not looking for a new job - SHE found ME on Linked In.

She said that she has hired 4 people this year from Linked In. That's a LOT. I'm telling you, for job offers and to find candidates, Linked In is the way to go...

About my Dad - they mailed the blanket, but since he's being transferred to another hospital (I have no idea if it's a psychiatric hospital or just a different one because of his insurance), I don't know if he'll get it. Surely the hospital will just send it along?

If I actually got a job from this place from Linked In, I'll be a believer for life and just absolutely be the happiest person in the world! :-)

Cancun, Take Me Away...

The big disappointment to me today was that *my* Recruiter didn't call me about the job in Chicago. I guess it was my resume that I sent her. That was the last I heard from her, and she said she'd call today. But how many times have I said stuff to candidates and not followed through? It's just disappointing. Yes, I could be more proactive, but I know this "racket". If I were a hot candidate, she'd be pursuing me. OR....she just could be very busy in meetings, etc. She is, after all, a corporate recruiter and not an agency recruiter.

Tomorrow is my last day at work until I go on vacation on Thursday! WooHoo! I was *this* close to just going home at lunch. I got SO depressed about my Dad that I almost started flat out crying, but talked to Older Woman and felt better. Well, actually, it was the 4 klonipin I took. I had to do SOMETHING - it was awful. Work is just so B-O-R-I-N-G, and I can't imagine going to Cancun and coming back refreshed and ready to go back to work. It just doesn't seem possible.

My Dad is better. I called him today and he remembered that I called him twice, and when I asked what he was doing, he said watching the Broncos get beaten by San Francisco. I was shocked he was that cohesive. I kept the conversation *very* short so he didn't get a chance to say something that would make me cry - like hurt my feelings unintentionally or intentionally. I could sense sadness or depression in him, although my family would never admit it. They don't talk about things like that. He tried to commit suicide, yet they aren't concerned about his mental state? I know they VERY much want him to go to a psychiatric hospital, and he may be going tomorrow (I have no idea who will be taking care of him physically), but they need to remember...WE ARE MENTALLY ILL! This is not a character flaw! Prayer and meditation will not overcome it alone!

I'll scream it to each and every one of them - and shock the HELL out of them. My God, he almost died, and if they don't put him on some SERIOUS medications, I will flip the "f" out. They can't just give him Paxil and Temezapam and send him home like last time. *I* could have told the doctor it wouldn't have worked. But who am I? Only his daughter who inherited his genes, that's all!

Enough about my Dad. I need to give it a rest, move on a bit, and think about my vacation. He has plenty of people to take care of him. Except...I don't trust for one second that he has the RIGHT people to take care of him.

I feel like I'm doing horribly at work. I just wait for the minutes to go by, and they do, but SO SLOWLY.

Is it because tomorrow's my last day there before Cancun?

I WAS Okay...

...until my Aunt said she talked to my Dad and that I should call him and talk to him. I called him, and he was talking out of his mind, of course. I don't know what to say when he's talking about "when he woke up, the three of them went to 'the club'", and really bizarre things. How could taking bottles of pills and insulin (his blood sugar went down to 30, whatever that means) to try to commit suicide to this to his brain? I realize he was sedated for so long, but no one is telling me anything. I mean, it's so OUT THERE, that I have no idea if I'm supposed to GO ALONG with these stories, just be quiet, change the subject, what the hell? And he's talking SO SLOWLY, and I envision slobber just running down his chin, although I know it's probably not. He actually wanted to get off the phone and said the phone was "nasty" and "they" were going to try and talk to some doctor. At 6:00pm MST? I guess (shrug). He talked about how his wife's kids had been there with him for "years", and then someone must have corrected him, because he then said "I mean 12 days". Well WTF? Yes, I KNOW he's out of his mind, but can I help that HE moved to Colorado when I was TWO YEARS OLD? I can't just sit there with him day after day when he has people there to do it already.

This sounds really dumb, but I'm actually hurt and mad and upset over it. I have no idea if his mind will ever come back - no one has told me it will NOT, but no one has told me WHY his mind is the way it is.

No one tells me anything. I'm in the dark. I guess that's where I belong, right? I'm not a part of his life, nor is he in mine.

I guess now is not the time to start to build a relationship, right? If I took off work and went to Colorado to see him, what would I even do?

Normal Day

Today has been a good day (so far). Mark and I went to the pool for about an hour, and of course I got a bit sunburned. I'm trying to get acclimated to the sun before we go to Cancun!

Then we went to Macy's, and I bought a couple of short shorts and some tops with thin straps so I would get sun when we went to see the ruins. I got the really short shorts because I thought Mark would like them, and he did.

Some may think this is so bizarre, but I faced a giant fear this afternoon and overcame it. Since I've been showering in the lockerroom at the gym and changing my clothes, that's made me less embarrassed about being seen without clothes. Going to the pool in a bikini has made it even more so. I've been taking showers with Mark after we get back the pool, but leaving my bikini top on and taking my bikini bottoms off. I just feel very uncomfortable about my chest.

Today I just took my top off, and told him to stay behind me, not to look. It's been TEN YEARS and I've just gotten the nerve up to do this. I don't think he realizes what a big step it is for me. He DID appreciate it, that's for sure, but I just don't think he knew what a big step I took.

So I had a pretty good day - I rarely post when I have just a "normal, good day", so I thought I would! I just hope the day ends on a good note, too! :-)

Update on My Dad

My Dad is now out of ICU and in his own room, over a week later after his suicide attempt. I called and spoke to him, and was SHOCKED at how he sounded. I found out later from my Aunt that I was the first person to speak to him on the phone - no one else had been allowed to, and I can see why.

She said that his wife told her that he thought she was my Grandma all day yesterday, yet he knew it was ME on the phone. He sounded SO happy to hear from me. But I don't want this to sound so optimistic. I was SHOCKED at how he sounded. He asked me if I still worked for the government. I told him no, of course. In a way, I can see in his garbled mind where this would come from - about all we talk about is politics. He asked me if I was going to see my Mom (!!!), and I told him no. He said maybe we could get into the car and go together, and I told him NO!! He asked why not, so I just told him because he was my favorite parent, and he actually laughed!

He couldn't think of the words to say - he really struggled, and he sounded so weak. He was very disoriented, and said weird things.

The sad part is this: I asked him if he wanted me to come visit him, and he said yes. Either he said when are you coming, or I asked when do you want me to come, but I said in a couple of days? Before we hung up, he said he was "depending on my visit". What the hell???

I called my Aunt and we talked about it, and she said he won't remember any of it, and was surprised he knew who I was.

He is "depending on my visit" and I told him I would be there in a couple of days? What if he DOES remember that? I'm going to Cancun!

I told my Aunt that, and she said I deserve to have a rich and full life, and to go to Cancun. I didn't ask for this to happen, and he would want the same thing. She asked how often do I even get a chance to go on vacation like that?

I told her...but how often does my Dad try to commit suicide?

I think I will go and visit, but perhaps after Cancun, when he can remember I was there. But what if he DOES remember? It doesn't SOUND like he will, but how do I know? Why the hell did I have to say that?

Once again, here comes the guilt. I called his wife and left messages for advice...

ANOTHER job change?

I lost a pound this week - looks like I'll be at 127 for Cancun next week. NEXT WEEK! :-)

This is so bizarre and such a coincidence, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high.

I'm HUGE into "Linked In" to find candidates as a Recruiter for my "specialized technology" positions (sorry - my coworkers would find this site if I typed it out), and sometimes companies try to recruit *me* because of my profile.

Well, Mark has been working in Chicago for the past 7 months for maybe...one half to two thirds of the time, and working in Texas the rest. They REALLY want him to move there, but...he just doesn't want to do that right now. I don't like being away from him so much, but...it's just the facts right now.

Out of the blue, I got an email from a Big-5 (or Big-4, or depends on who you talk to) about a Recruiter's position in CHICAGO for my specialized type of technology. They found my name on Linked In, and wanted someone who also had Big 4/Big 5 experience. That's a pretty tall order to fill, I have to admit.

I told Mark about it, because I really WOULD like to work for this company, and the fact that they would want me in the Chicago office (or even perhaps remote) is just too convenient. I know, I know, I complain about the "cog in the wheel" syndrome (Big-4's have a tendency to try to "mold" everyone to be alike), but I do miss the structure and career maturity I gained from the other Big-4, even though I'm bipolar. And the prestige. But...being bipolar is what caused me to lose that job after 7/8 years...

Anyways! He said that if I found a career that I really wanted and liked in Chicago, then that was half of the battle of moving there "in his mind". The other half was selling the house, of course.

Now I'm excited about that job, and I feel like one of my damned candidates - excited about something that is so remotely far from actually coming to fruition. I called and emailed the Recruiter today (I'm tenacious, but that's a trait of being a good Recruiter - I can't help it!), and she replied that today was her "Interview Day" and asked if we could talk on Monday. I emailed back if she could give me a time so I could make myself available, but she never did. I can't just "take a call" whenever my cell rings, and IF she does call, she'll just have to understand.

Did she not want to talk to me today because I sent my resume and she hated it? Will she not call now on Monday? I probably won't call her again if she doesn't call me.

My poor, poor candidates who get excited about jobs I tell them about, and then I don't call them frequently enough to update them. Sometimes I don't call them at all to tell them they didn't get it, and they never call me. BUT - most of the time I just don't HEAR that someone else got it, so I have no new information.

I'm probably excited for no good reason. I'm sure there are better qualified individuals out there than me. I KNOW I got 2 offers on the spot for Recruiting positions just a few months ago, but this is DIFFERENT. That was with Recruiting Agencies. This is with a Big-4. It's just...well....so much more.

Maybe I shouldn't look at it that way - and I did tell one person at work. She told me they would be lucky to get me, and that they would know it, too. She even talked salary - what number I should definitely not go below. Trust me, I didn't bring it up.

The bad thing is that I PROMISED my boss when we "negotiated" my new "contract", which is so much better than my last one (I really kicked butt on that and am pretty proud of myself) that I wouldn't look for another job for a year - that I would give him one year of dedicated "service". He's WELL aware people are "after" me for my skills. He even knows about my two job offers, which is how I negotiated a hell of a deal for him to make me stay. I PROMISED him. But things change, right?

I looked on a map to see where I would be working compared to Mark, and it's only FOUR MILES AWAY from him! I asked him what he thought about getting some sort of loft or whatever they're called in Chicago between the two, and he thought that would be a great idea.

To think....out of the Texas heat....back in the Midwest where I belong where there are actually SEASONS. I would miss a few people, of course, but I'd be too excited to begin my new career. Moving there for *me*, and not solely for someone else really excites me!

Mark should be home soon...and then he's home next week, I'm off on Wednesday, and we leave for CANCUN on Thursday!

I'm so excited!!! :-) No work, no work, no jerk boss! Yay!

Over the Shock

I've been in shock the past few days since I heard about my Dad's suicide attempt. I think it just *hit* me today, if that makes sense. I started feeling really lousy at work - very preoccupied, and the whole thing just depressed me.

It worsened as the afternoon wore on, and by the time I walked in the door, I slumped against the wall leading to the garage and just cried. I didn't cry for long. I made myself stop and go up the stairs to change out of my work clothes, and "get myself together".

But it's still "with me". This...heaviness. Sadness. Grief. I *think* my Dad will eventually be okay, so why am I sad? I don't know, but do you know how it DOES make me feel?

That I don't want to get close to anyone, because they'll hurt me like this. I shouldn't have let my guard down with my Dad and let him into my heart again like I did as a child. This is too painful. I feel like pushing everyone away from me right this very moment so this doesn't happen to me again.

Why is it that caring about people has to hurt? Eventually, it does, and it will. I don't quite understand it. Except with Mark, and with him, I'm just waiting for him to hurt me, too.

My Dad's suicide attempt has made it crystal clear to me - that yes, you can't take people for granted, they could be gone in an instant. But for me, that means...don't get close to anyone, because....they could be gone in an instant and devastate your life. Or threaten their mere existence IN your life.

What a crappy lesson to learn. I want to say "never again", but how can I say that? I can't live my life as a hermit - and I can't even think about living without Mark. I don't think I could bear it. At times, I fear I love him TOO much.

So what do I do? I don't know, but this feels like crap. I WAS getting better, but now...while I'm sure this is normal and it FEELS normal, not chemical, the depression sucks.

I'm just a walking zombie at this point.

Suicide Update and Guilt

I just called for a status update on my Dad. After his attempted suicide, it will be a week tomorrow that he's been in ICU. On a positive note, they took out the respirator and he's breathing on his own. To me, on a scarier note, he couldn't answer simple questions, didn't know where he was, mumbled unintelligible words, that kind of thing, but he's able to squeeze the nurse's hand and follow basic commands. I took that to mean that he was out of bed and walking around, but she said "Oh no, no!" and quickly explained he was too weak to be out of bed. She said if everything progressed well, he *might* be out of ICU in 2 days, but that's assuming nothing went "wrong". She didn't use the term "wrong", but that's what she meant.

What in the HELL do you have to do to yourself to make them keep you in ICU for over a week? I mean, I KNOW what he did to himself, but My God. I never would have dreamed...ICU sounds so "scary", you know?

Polar Bear brought up a good point....what does it "feel" like to be on the "other" end of a suicide attempt. Well, it feels pretty shitty. My aunts and my grandmother are calling around the clock - they are each claiming an "hour" (you get 2:00, I'll get 3:00, she'll get 4:00) to call the ICU nurses, because they want to know minute-by-minute updates, but the nurses get annoyed at them calling so often, my aunt said. So...that's the plan they hatched - different voices every 3 hours.

My sister, I'm told, is really mad at him. All I can get out of my aunt is that she is mad he used insulin. She's diabetic too, and I have no clue about their relationship or why this would be an issue. I was told she visited him twice, and they live in the same city!

Some grieve, some feel anger, some feel guilt, and all of it is overwhelming.

Me? I feel guilt. And a lot of shame. I feel AWFUL that he blew up at me, apologized, and then I wouldn't engage in a conversation with him. He begged me to start talking to him again, and I still didn't. But he was, obviously, emotionally unstable, and was a "trigger" for me, and I thought I was for him as well! But then, ...I just KNEW. I knew he was going to do this. I didn't know HOW, but I told Mark, even, and Mark remembers me telling him that my Dad was going to do this. But even knowing, what could I have done? You can't really DO anything until the deed is over. I can't shackle him to the wall - besides, he lives in CO, I live in TX, and we only communicate through email.

His wife is a mess - she's a bundle of exhaustion, stress, guilt, anger - and having to keep everyone updated, as well as a house full of people happy at the same time. Oh yeah - and she has a full time job, too!

I UNDERSTAND the mental torture he must have been going through, only not to the level he was at, probably. I want, so badly, to sit and just talk to him about it, but...he can't even have a conversation of a 2 year old. I want to say it's okay, it DOES get better, there IS hope, don't stop TRYING, but....I'm too late now, right? He already gave up and did what he did?

I don't know how he feels NOW. Does he feel depressed? Mentally tortured? So out of it on drugs he feels nothing? Probably the latter.

AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE! That's what sucks. If someone asks me "what's wrong?", well, what in the HELL am I going to say? "My Dad tried to commit suicide and is in the ICU". Well there's a conversation stopper. No one really wants to know that, and even if they did, *I* don't want them to know that. This is where the shame part comes in.

My family is SO freaked out and SO worried and feels SO guilty. It's eating them alive.

One of my aunts is driving from KS to CO this weekend to see my Dad, and what am I doing? Well, after what the nurse said, about him not even KNOWING where he IS, it looks like I'm not going to go visit him just yet. He won't even remember me being there. By the time (and I keep assuming, why am I doing that?) he goes to a "regular room", they're going to do a psych eval (or they'd BETTER), and put him in a facility, so really...there's no time for me to go to see him. And is there a reason? I mean, of COURSE there is, but he has a whole support group there. I know for a FACT he wouldn't come to see me, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't go see him.

I'm so torn about going to see him...I don't know what to do....my main thing is, if I don't go, will I regret it for the rest of my life? That's what's eating away at me. It's not so much that I WANT to see him, especially in this state, but...what if it were the last time I ever saw him? What if he got mad or hurt that I didn't come to see him later on? The guilt just eats away at me....

And oh yeah...Mark is out of town, work stuff happened, and I tore a contact and had to go to the eye doctor today.

That's about it.

Life Goes On...Thankfully.

I couldn't stop thinking about my Dad's attempted suicide at work today.

My step-mom (I guess that's what I should call her) gave me the # to the hospital in Colorado and the "passcode" to get information about him. I just called, and the nurse was really nice. She asked what I knew so far, and I told her. She said right now, the goal is to get him to where he can breathe on his own (he's still in ICU), but he gets too "agitated" and upset when they take him out of sedation and then take the "tube" out. I asked what that meant..."agitated"...and I think she said he tries to run around? That's not good, especially when my Dad is big at 350 pounds, and these nurses are probably pretty small. She said today he had the breathing tube out for 25 minutes, whereas yesterday he only had it out for 5 minutes.

The nurse also said once he can breathe on his own, they'll keep him in ICU for another 12 - 24 hours, and if he's doing okay, move him to his own "room". I don't know what will happen then, but she said once he's stabilized, he'll then be moved to a "facility", and I repeated "you mean a psychiatric facility", and she said "yes". I wanted to be SURE that THIS time they don't keep him for 12 hours and boot him out because his damned insurance wants to save money again.

His poor wife. I can hear the tiredness and worry in her voice when I talk to her. The hell she must be going through. It makes me wonder, what did I put Mark through during my months of hell and when I committed myself to the psych ward for being suicidal. I know they had counseling there on site for him, and he actually attended. I hope his wife will get the chance once he is moved to a "facility".

To be honest, I don't even know if he will be okay neurologically? I spoke to my aunt today (and chastised her for the family not calling me RIGHT AWAY when it happened, and screw my birthday), and she's the one who put the idea in my head. I guess another nurse put it in hers?

On one hand, I want to go to Colorado to see my Dad once he's moved to a regular "room" and out of ICU. Of everyone in the family, if anyone understands the mental torture that led him to do what he did, I'm the closest one to that, and he knows it. On the other, I don't want his family (his wife's family) feeling "put out", like they should take me to dinner and stuff (I would stay in a hotel, not with them.) And...I don't want my Dad to feel like he should put on a "show" for me, not like he's ever done that in the past, that's for sure.

AND, this is really selfish, I'm taking off work beginning a week from Wednesday and leaving for Cancun the next day. If he doesn't really NEED me there, and there's nothing I can really DO, and I've already requested all of this time off, should I request MORE? My Dad is definitely worth it, I just don't know if it's the right thing to do.

Is it the right thing to do, to go see him? I haven't seen him in at least 5 years...wouldn't that put a lot of pressure on him? Wouldn't phone calls showing I cared be better for him when he's able to talk? Sending him cards/letters, maybe a silly gift like a get-well teddy bear? I would have liked that when I was in the psych ward. That and my own warm, thick blanket.

The thing I find bizarre is that my Dad's suicide attempt was on August 1st, after maybe months of "mental torture". Coincidentally, after months of "mental torture", I checked myself into the psych ward of August 5th, 2001 for being suicidal. That's just 4 days apart, albeit 5 years in between. Mark pointed out a few weeks ago that I always get depressed at the same time every summer...and I told my Dad this in an email, and warned him that he may have Seasonal Whatever Disorder, too. As a matter of fact, my aunt committed suicide in the summer as well.

All of this serious mental illness illness in my family - there's one more suicide (my great grandmothers) that I haven't mentioned because NO ONE will talk about it, nor will they talk about any of this, either, once it's over.

It is definitely a big slap in the head that no, I don't just take my medication for the "fun" of it, if you could call it that.

I take my medication so that I can LIVE, and....the whole reason I started taking medication to begin with....not take my own life.

From now on, when I feel suicidal, I'm going to take it much more seriously. I think a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor pretty soon after I recognized it. I need to be more cautious and proactive in the future so it doesn't spiral out of control. This CANNOT happen to me.

My Dad Tried to Commit Suicide

I'm in shock. I shouldn't be, I saw this coming, but who the hell can be READY for this?

My Dad tried to commit suicide, his wife just told me on the phone. I think it was on Wednesday night (this is Sunday night), but she said "everyone" told her not to call me because it was my birthday on Thursday. WTF??? He's in friggin ICU, and this is SUNDAY - 4 days after his attempt! He was damned near successful at it! This was no "cry for help"!

She said when she got home from work, there was a note on the door telling her not to go in, but to call the police, I think. (The details are a bit fuzzy to me because I was in shock.). She said of course she went in, and he was still breathing, but struggling.

He is diabetic, and he injected himself with a bunch of insulin (she explained it to me, but I know NOTHING about being a diabetic nor insulin), took a month's work of Ambien and 2 months worth of temezapam. She said it wasn't so much the medication the doctors told her, as that needed to work itself out of his system, but the insulin that hurt him. The insulin almost put him in a coma.

He has a breathing tube, a feeding tube, etc., and won't be in a "regular room" for a few days. They have him under heavy sedation right now.

That FUCKING Kaiser Health Insurance! I wrote in a couple of posts back how desperate he was, and how he had so much hope in going to see the psychiatrist. I even fueled his enthusiasm with my own story. They admitted him into the hospital, he told them he was thinking of suicide, and you know what happened? His insurance company kicked him out at 11:00p that night, saying he could be treated as an outpatient!

Now look what happened, the asswipes! If it's all about money, look at how much they could have SAVED by keeping him in the psych ward vs. ICU after he tried to, and damned near DID, commit suicide!

Man, I am so mad at that insurance company, you don't even KNOW.

He can't breathe on his own, and now he has a case of pneumonia. On a side note, why do people develop pneumonia in situations like this? He's not OLD OLD - in his late 50's, maybe? But VERY overweight - at least 350 pounds.

His wife told me that he would make a full recovery, so naturally, my first question was..what the HELL are they going to do about him psychologically THIS time? She said after he is moved to his room and he is well, they will have a psychological evaluation and decide the proper course. She said she WILL be there, whether they try to kick her out or not.

The fucking proper course? Like there's any QUESTION? I'm no doctor, but I can tell you the proper "course". Put him in a lock up (or hell - not even lock up, he would gladly stay on his own) psychiatric ward or psychiatric unit/hospital, and make him stay until they FIND a "cocktail" to stabilize him, and he's no longer a threat to himself! Keep him in there until he's on the right medication, and then do outpatient, like 3-4 times a week for a couple of months, going to the psychiatrist at least once a week.

There. How hard is that? I'm not a doctor, but it's better than THEIR original plan. So help me if they just send him home with a couple of bottles of medication that they *think* will work, I will go ape shit.

And I'm not even close to my Dad! It's not about that. He's still MY DAD. We share the same gene pool - what he feels is probably what I felt when I went into the psych ward - actually, worse! and of course I have empathy for him, and it's such a tragedy to me because, well...he's my DAD, and he tried to reach out to me.

What should I have done? What COULD I have done? I saw it coming. I KNEW it was coming. Maybe we all did, but what can you do?

I even told Mark he was going to do this. He remembers it, too. I just knew. I don't know how, but I did. Perhaps it's one person who has "been there" to another?

I don't want to make this about me, because it's not. However, it heightens my awareness that yes, I NEED to be taking my medication because YES, I have a chemical imbalance that will lead me to commit suicide one day. This is just further proof in my mind. My great grandmother committed suicide, my aunt committed suicide, and now my Dad was SO CLOSE to being successful, and then...I have been hospitalized once for it already.

This is just too fucked up for me to comprehend. I don't even know what to do, but it seems like I should be doing something.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to work and just forget? Just work and act like everything is "normal"?

How am I SUPPOSED to be feeling? There's not a pamphlet for this - or maybe there is. Mark would know - he went through this with me, although I didn't follow through with my plans before getting help. He's the only person I know, besides my family who is going through this now and went through it with my aunt, that would know how it feels.

I asked if I should come to Colorado - but she told me no, there was nothing I could do - he was in ICU, and he wouldn't even know I was there.

This is awful. I don't believe, like I hear some people say, that my Dad was being selfish or was a coward. I know that he was in so much pain, he simply couldn't take it any longer. Maybe having this "downtime" of being sedated for so long will help his mind "rest", at least for now.

Here's the last email he sent me, Tuesday at 12:45a - about a day before he tried to commit suicide:

"Yes, Klonipin is the right spelling, as you got it. I am on the generic, Clonazepam. 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon. 0.5 milligrams. Citalopram is the anti-depressent, 20 mg , 1 a day for a week, then 2 a day. And you know all about temazepam, having been on it yourself. So nice to keep hearing from you, daughter. As I have read your e-mails, I get the impression of a very brave and knowledgeable person you are. I am quite proud you are my daughter, and sorry for any painful genes I passed on to you. Love You, dad"

I had no idea he was feeling so bad when he wrote that...I wonder if it was hard to do...? If he had any hope left as he was typing that?

I can't get depressed over this, I just can't!

Mark found the PERFECT FLORIST for my birthday! I guess you would just have to see them in person, but they are honestly the most beautiful flowers I've ever received. I've been sent roses tons of times, but everything about these are just...well, perfect. Maybe he asked around for a good florist this time because I complained the last two times? I know how horrible of me, but really, shouldn't he know?

I've been doing pretty well. Since doubling my Abilify, and getting over any side effects from that, I've been happy overall, ESPECIALLY since it was my birthday, when I normally get depressed!

It was like a magic pill - one day I was so depressed I was thinking of suicide ( just thinking about it, not actually DOING it), and the next day, I was almost "okay". Fast forward to now, and I'm good! I'm actually better than "okay", which is HUGE for me!

I don't feel bipolar, I just feel like...well, me. I'm planning on going to the pool in about an hour, when for as long as I can remember, my goal each weekend was to take one shower as I sat on the couch. Yes, ALL WEEKEND.

My satellite radio is being installed my the dealer STILL - since Thursday - when it was only supposed to take 3 or 4 hours. Oh well, they gave me a nice 2007 BMW 335i loaner. It's still not MY car, though, you know what I mean?

It's SO NICE to feel like *I* am "back". Does that make sense? I feel like *I* have been "gone" for so long now, and me, my personality, everything about me, is finally back.

Perhaps it's time to take down the Christmas garland from the stair's bannisters today - HAHA.

Happy Birthday to ME! :-)

I had a pretty enjoyable birthday yesterday - very low key, which I've learned is the best way I can get through it now.

Before I go on, I only lost about 3/4 of a pound this week. So disappointing, but yet...I feel so bloated that I was afraid I was going to gain when I stepped on the scale from being "hormonal".

I was SO EMBARRASSED! Mark sent flowers to work for my b-day, but you don't understand...he REALLY sent flowers! There were two dozen roses, but the way they are arranged makes the bouquet HUGE, and I really don't have any room on my desk for this gigantic display. Anyone that comes into our room absolutely has to comment on it. Of course, they comment on how much he must love me, etc., and it's true, he really MUST love me a lot. Not because of the flowers, but just because of how thoughtful he was.

I woke up and he gave me the sweetest b-day card. Then, for my birthday, I dropped my BMW off to get satellite radio integrated with my stereo at the dealership at lunch. The flowers came, and then Mark wanted to go to dinner last night. We always go to dinner on FRIDAY nights, so I told him we'd just wait.

One of my old Big-5 work friends gave me the absolutely coolest birthday present, and all it was is a poem he wrote JUST FOR ME! I was so touched. I was reading it with Mark sitting there, and then I got really excited and thought it was SO SWEET, and I think he got a little jealous. Here it is:

Happy B-day!

"May you always enjoy
year number (age)
As a year was more spectacular.
Than a diamond mine.

May you have a year
Filled with lots of fun
As you enjoy the time
Spent with your 'hon'.

I can only give you
Some manic poetry
A small gift, better than
Nearly over the hill jokes, see...

Peace, grace and a shout.
To you, (KansasSunflower)
This day is all you Without a doubt."

Just the fact that he wrote it just for me really touched me.

We're supposed to work 2 "late nights" at work each week, but I only worked one since I went home sick (hormonal) on Wednesday. My boss mentioned it as I was leaving, but I told him it was my birthday, and I was leaving anyway. Can you believe he started to give me a hard time? I told him "but it's my BIRTHDAY!" and he laughed and stopped harassing me.

Since increasing my Abilify to 10 mg, I think the Abilify is affecting my concentration at work like it used to before I cut it down from 15 mg to 5 mg, but I'm just going to "tough it out" this time. I got too depressed before I increased it, and I'm hoping it will improve as time passes. I find myself unable to focus on what I'm doing, and go from project to project, not actually finishing the thing I started with first. I then forget what it was that I was working on previously.

No bipolar symptoms, THANK GOD. I'm actually pretty happy, in a non hypomanic way! :-)
For me to feel this way after being a year older is AMAZING for me!

Home Sick

I came home "sick" today. I'm "hormonal" and feel dizzy/throw-upish, and could have FORCED myself to stick it out, but I just didn't want to. Today is my boss's birthday, so I feel bad about just sending him an email and sending Older Woman a voicemail about WHY I was leaving (I couldn't exactly tell him, now could I?), but I couldn't and didn't want to stay.

Tomorrow is *my* birthday, but I've been successful in putting it out of my mind pretty much. Mark keeps reminding me, though. I think he's more excited that I'm getting my BMW's satellite option installed as my birthday present than I am! And it was *my* idea! :-)

I hope my boss isn't pissed or disappointed that I came home today.....I just couldn't do it....

I Got Another Deal!

Today is my boss's birthday, and tomorrow is mine. Weird coincidence, huh? I guess I'll get him a card at lunch today.

I've needed/wanted less and less calories (Weight Watchers points) lately. I have no idea why. Monday, I only ate 12 points (about 700 calories), and didn't want anything else. I woke up at about 12:30a, and made myself eat a protein bar, about 6 points (350 calories). The same thing happened last night, except I didn't get up and eat a protein bar, so it just stayed at about 700 calories (12 points). I'm not trying to starve myself, I'm just not hungry at night. At lunchtime when I don't eat lunch? Yes, I'm ravenous. But...I just never eat lunch - that's my "thing". I'm not going to MAKE myself eat when I'm going to Cancun in a few weeks, that's for sure!

Yesterday, I got another deal at work! It was a really weird one, where the guy had interviewed in late April/early May, didn't get the job, then the company called him yesterday, offered him a job, and he accepted. They then called us and told us they owed us a fee! So bizarre. On a side note, I called him to congratulate him, and you know what he said? After being surprised out of the blue with a job offer? "Between you and me, the offer was lower than what I expected." How can it be lower than NO JOB OFFER, dork??? It reminded me of why I didn't like working with him back then. It had gotten to the point where I practically refused to talk to him and made the Account Manager do all the work.

I could tell that Bipolar Girl was upset that I got another deal yesterday, but that's OK. I completely understand. I was upset when she kept getting deals, too. You feel like such a failure when someone else is doing well. When she got 4 deals in 2 months, I felt like I was doing a horrible job, but 2 of her deals have now fallen through, and she feels terrible about it. She feels even worse that I have gotten 2 deals - one on Friday, and then one yesterday (Tuesday), and I don't fault her for that. It's hard when someone else is doing well and you already feel crappy about your own performance. It changes the way people look at you in the office - the respect they give you, even.

BB8 After Dark was really good the last time it was on, but I can't stand Nick now, and hope he gets voted off. He actually scared me the way he was yelling at Jen, and I can't stand Daniele, either.
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