Not Enough Time

I feel like, as a bipolar, there is no time in my life to just..."be bipolar". Does that make any sense? If I feel a certain way about something, some symptom such as anxiety, well...I better just pop some pills and pray they work while I go on doing what I'm doing.

I don't get a week to lay around and cry when I'm depressed. Not that THAT is a benefit! I'm not saying that - I would rather not want to lay around and cry AT ALL, are you kidding me?

I worry...with my life so tightly squeezed together, when do I have time to be bipolar? I know that sounds so crazy, as if I'm trying to schedule it or take days off in advance. I "crash" and end up calling in one or two days in a row to work sick because of my illness, I know that. I just shrug my shoulders, know this is something about me for some weird reason, and know that after a few days, I'll be okay.

Today, because of something I didn't quite think through, I got really anxious at work. I did the right thing, popped a few pills and knew they would work eventually, but what I REALLY wanted was just to go home. I didn't want to "pretend" or "go through the motions" that I was okay when I wasn't.

Right now, Mark needs me. He has been losing weight so quickly because he is starting Cymbalta and it makes him nauseous, he's conflicted about which job to take, and of course, my whole correspondence with my ex-b that he never mentions anymore. How can he just do that? Not bring it up anymore? I wonder what it's like to be a guy - to not hold a grudge for a year, bringing it up every week.

So I call and check on him a few times a day, get home and grab him, knowing he hasn't eaten and make him go get something to eat, which means MY Weight Watcher points are out of whack,'s all for a good cause, right?

Maybe...I just like to feel like I'm being taken care of all the time. Mark tries his best - he takes care of everything. I just feel like...if I have an episode of ANYTHING relating to bipolar, there's no time, it's not proper, and not allowed.

One day, and I'm not stupid, my disease will not always be in "remission" as far as it has been for some time now. No, I'm far from perfect and the picture of mental health. But I'm able to work a full time job, manage to meet whatever needs Mark has to keep our relationship together (which aren't many), do the laundry, stuff like that.

What about if/when I have to go to the hospital? Should I plan for all of this now, as if I were going to have a baby - like, who should be called, what should be said, etc.? We have no plans...I'm assuming because who knows how it could all go down. Plus...shouldn't you focus on the positive?

Or maybe...this is a bipolar symptom on its' own. Anxiety. I'm "what if'fing myself to death".

I just wish I felt a little But if I did have more time and didn't work so much, would I be happier? I don't know...I don't think so...

I just don't know when I have time to "be me", which..."me" has a lot of bipolar symptoms sometimes, and I have to "pretend" through them.

Or maybe everyone, bipolar or not, feels that way? And I just feel a sense of entitlement because I happen to be bipolar?

Go ahead, call me crazy because...supposedly I really am. Not that I can tell anyone except my blog. :-)

Things Are...Ok?

I guess things are okay...better than they were situationally, at least.

I'm STILL obsessed with John Mayer. I know EXACTLY when it started. November 23, 2006. That's been awhile now, hasn't it? He's all I want to listen to, nothing else, really. I'm just that way with music. It's either one song over and over, or sometimes, one artist. I never order CD's, but I ordered all 4 of his from Amazon. Might as well have the "official" CD's.

Mark seems to be getting over the "emails" he discovered to ex-b on the router. He went to his psychiatrist yesterday who threw out everything he was taking and put him on Cymbalta. Anyone know anything about Cymbalta? I've read about it, and I'll I can find is that it's for diabetes nerve pain? I *think* it's for depression and anxiety, which he has. He was really sick yesterday - don't know if it was withdrawal from his old meds or side effects from taking a new one. I feel so damn guilty about it.

I picked up my new BMW yesterday! It is SO pretty, and a BLAST to drive. I can't believe how fast it is. I now remember why I drove it for about 10 minutes, and was ready to buy it without asking hardly any questions. Seriously. I let Mark drive it, and he had so much fun even though he just bought a Mercedes AMG. I think he wants to drive it sometimes now, and seeing that, TECHNICALLY, it's his car, he can. He gets really mad when I say that to him and says no, it's MY car, but really, it's not, right? It's financed in his name. I knew I would feel this way. He'll say something, and I'll just shrug my shoulders and say "ok, it's your car, anyway", and he gets so annoyed. It's true, though...

Here's a pic of my BMW, although mine is in "Orient Blue":

I'm SO BORED at work, even with Adderall. The time just crawls by, and I hate working out now. I used to really like it, but it's such a chore now. I went to Ann Taylor Loft the other day instead of working out, and bought a TON of stuff on sale - like $80 pants for $15, and spent $75 for 3 pairs of pants and 2 vests. That's probably at least $300 worth of clothes. I rocked that day!

I'm actually becoming friends with Bipolar Girl. I have no idea why. I don't know what's changed, except I've been tolerating her since Abilify. Dream Writer suggested "irritability" as being a Biopolar symptom, and maybe that was it all along with her. She tries to confide in me, and I listen. It's like she's where I was 12 or so years ago. My boss has told me to stop sticking up for her when he tries to tell her something, but I think he's rough on her. Older Woman is going to throw a fit and demand she be moved away from sitting by my boss. I wish I could do the same, but there's no way he's going to let me move. He sees EVERYTHING on my computer screen and comments on it.

I'm really not exhibiting any Bipolar traits that I *know* of right now, except I'm getting up so frickin' early every morning. I got up at 4:30 this morning. I got up at 5:00a yesterday. That's actually good, but I wonder why. Maybe it's because of taking less Seroquel, or the Abilify makes me sleep less?

That's about it...hope everyone has a great day!

P.S. - If I don't visit your site right away, it's because I don't have the link! I am figuring out how to transfer the links from my old laptop to my new laptop, and I don't have the address!

Much Better

Yesterday was MUCH better.

First of all, I have no idea which company I ordered it from or when, but a package of Phentermine showed up at work yesterday. I'm afraid I've ruined my diet for the week, but I'm trying to get back on track. I think I have one or two more bottles coming!

Mark went to the psychiatrist and was taken off all of his anti-depressants (two) and put on Cymbalta. He's lost about 10 pounds since the ex-b incident, but he was already very depressed. He has a job offer that will require him to travel about 50% of the time, and I'm surprised he is considering leaving me alone. I guess I'll be okay, right?

My laptop came yesterday, too. So this is my first entry on my new laptop! I'm still transferring things onto it. I would just make an image and put it onto the new one, but I think there are too many things "spidered" onto my old one that I want a fresh start.

My new BMW should be ready TODAY! I can't wait to pick it up! :-) It still bothers me that the financial people at BMW did not really give us a choice for us to finance with my name on it, even though the interest rate would be almost 10% higher. They just said "We're going to finance it in Mark's name only because of KansasSunflower's hiccups on her credit", and Mark said "okay". I wasn't really involved in the decision. Then, as an afterthought, they said "that's okay, right?' after the decision was made. What was I supposed to say? If I get enough money in June from my trust fund, I may just pay it off. I hate using money that I need to invest for retirement on a car, but I can't have everything in Mark's name, you know? The next thing would be the house, and then I'm totally screwed. Yes, I hope and want us to be together forever, but no relationship, including family relationships, has ever lasted, so I always wait for the "other shoe to fall" in this one, too. I'm a survivor, and this makes me nervous. I'm VERY appreciative of what Mark did, but...I dunno. He said the payments would have been considerably higher at 14% interest than 5.7%. To me, so what. It would have had my name on it.

I'm still excited about the BMW though. :-)

I've been reassuring Mark a lot lately - our relationship is on pins and needles lately because of the ex-b memos he found. I feel so guilty that I can't even think about it. I think that's why he was such a mess and needed to go to his psychiatrist and get his meds changed, etc. He never said that, but he's lost so much weight, has had so much anxiety since then, etc. He doesn't bring it up anymore, but I feel AWFUL.

Hope everyone has a great day (including myself!). :-)


I bought a BMW today! The only thing is...if Mark and I financed it or Mark and I financed it together, it would have been at 14% interest rate. Hey, I'm just happy they would have financed me, forget the %. If Mark financed it on his own, they were having a special at BMW for 5.7%, and he qualified.'s in his name. He pretty much made the decision?

I'm excited about my new Beemer, but it's scary thinking your car isn't in your own name after the kind of fight we had. I had to trade my car in, but I still have it while they detail my new car.

I get my trust fund in June. I'll feel much more comfortable about everything then. I can't live the kind of lifestyle I'm living on my own. And for someone as independent as me and hates to rely on someone else, that's not a good thing. My trust fund won't be huge, but maybe at least the car will be in my name.

I don't want to be anywhere else, but always looking behind you wondering if you're going to get your ass kicked out isn't a good thing. Not that that has ever happened.

I just bought 4 new John Mayer CD's, and I can't wait to play them in my new car!

The BMW is awesome - the 3 series with the performace AND luxury packages, loaded, coupe. (I'd have to look the # up.) Now Mark is jealous...I couldn't find anything at the Mercedes dealer I liked. I hated the C series, and the E, like he bought, is too big.

Yay for my new car! :-) I hate to sound like such a brat, but isn't everyone happy when they get a new car? I haven't had one in about 6 years.


Sometimes when I write posts, I'm scared to read the comments later - is anyone else like that?

Yes, when it comes to money, Mark is a total control freak. But...I LET him control the money. I remember it distinctly - when I asked him to take it over, and he took over the money, the bills, and I don't even know how much everything is, and I don't ask. So...I have no idea how much we can afford for a car, does that make sense?

Because he's such a control freak over money, he has to know how much I'm going to spend each month on clothes, hair, etc.; and we decided $800/mo was a fair #. That includes EVERYTHING though - my gym membership, etc. Maybe I'm sounding spoiled, I probably am. If I lived on my own, I wouldn't have $800 extra to spend on whatever I wanted. Anyways, to cut my "allowance" to pay for my car payment, while he never had an allowance so nothing of his gets "cut" isn't fair to me.

But...I did what I did - those emails to my ex-b. I am so ashamed.

So far...

Last night when Mark got home, as expected, we got into a terrible argument.

What I couldn't handle was when he repeated back to me words I had written to my ex-b. They were pretty uncomfortable. I couldn't listen to them, and kept telling him to stop. Yes, they were awful. I'd never experienced a relationship so passionate...if I moved to MN, we'd never see each other again, on and on, and supposedly I wanted to see him again. I have the emails in my "sent" folder, I just can't face myself to read them. It's BAD. I would be really, really upset if the shoe were on the other foot. I couldn't deal with listening to what I had said and trying to explain myself. What explanation could I give?

I am so incredibly ashamed and humiliated. You don't even know.

So we got into the car issue thing again, and I said the only resolution was that I get a new (for me) car, too. No $24/$28k limit. We went to the Mercedes dealership, and they didn't have the car I wanted. So we're going back today - as soon as I take a shower and get ready.

If he can just get over what I did and said, I think all will be ok. I don't want this thrown in my face for years to come. Actually, I hope it's done with; however, I don't think it is.

So far today, we're getting along, but it's only 9:19a.

Yesterday was out-to-eat night, and I still only had 17.5 WW points, when the max is 18 points! I've already had 9 today, but I had to take a different diet pill because the one I normally take, Phentermine, I'm out of. I hope that ONE of the places I ordered it from yesterday will come through for me.


Well, I'm PISSED again.

Am I manic?

It's the stupid Mercedes again. *I* was the one that was supposed to get the car first, but you know, I don't really care too much about that. It's how he got his car and how much he spent that pisses me off.

When *I* was looking for a car, he made a big deal about not going over around $24k, then it was $28k. How much was his car? Almost $60k. Now he (we) has $1,000 payments a month, and when I said I wanted one too, but a smaller, cheaper one, you know what he said? Ok...but we'll probably have to make your "allowance" smaller every month. WTF? He can have a $1000 payment for a car every month and not be penalized in the least, yet I have to be? Does he not understand I need an ENTIRE WARDROBE for Spring and Summer because of my weight loss? What about his boxes of Cuban cigars every month? Will THEY now stop?

This really makes me so mad I could cry. He would only let ME spend less than $30k on a car, but for HIMSELF $60k is just find and dandy, no second thoughts? For RETRIBUTION, no less?

I hate that car. I would say I hate him, but that would just be out of anger.

He said he would NEVER buy another car that wasn't by cash only again. Bullshit. He's such a liar and a hypocrite and a manipulator.

I called him twice all loving and everything because he has an interview in Houston today, hoping it went well, but now my mood has completely changed.

No, we're not moving to Houston. That's just where his 2nd interview happens to be. The job would be 50% travel. Right now, I'm thinking that wouldn't be such a good idea with me being THIS PISSED and feeling like I need to tell him RIGHT NOW how mad I am at him. could be good. I could completely shut down when it comes to him. "Zone him out". But he would be able to tell the difference when he saw me at home. I can't just snap out of it, you know?

And if his jealousy is really as high as it is supposed to be, with him buying a Mercedes for retribution, wouldn't it make sense that HE wouldn't want to travel???

Such a manipulator and a hypocrite. MAN am I pissed. It's all I can do not to call him obsessively, hence, the post.

And I can't find an online pharmacy to take my money for phentermine to save my life.

Friday Weight

I weigh myself once a week instead of once a month, like Weight Watcher's tells you, and here's my current weight: 123.5.

Man, to lose 1 pound, that was one hard fought over pound! I suppose the next two weights will have water weight to consider...

BAD Again

Now I just feel BAD again. I was talking to Mark on the phone, and he said if he wasn't working hourly right now, he would have checked himself into the hospital on Monday - he felt THAT BAD. That was the day he made an emergency appt at his psychiatrist's, drove there, only to find out they meant NEXT Monday. He told them it was an "emergency", and you know what they told him? Sorry. My psychiatrist would NEVER do that - and neither would the office staff. They would have let me sit there until he was able to see me. But then again, I MET him in the hospital for suicidal depression.

He has hardly eaten since this whole charade began, and he's lost about 10 pounds. He showed me today all the room he has in his waistband in the pants he bought a month ago. I feel like shit. He has all of this anxiety, and I don't understand why? Does he really love me *that much*? I mean, is that normal? All it was, was an email! Sent in October! That meant NOTHING! Yes, it said that he (my ex-b) was the most passionate relationship I'd ever had, and God knows I didn't know Mark would read it however he found it, but still - it was just an email! I mean, does it warrant all of this, AND going out and buying a new Mercedes to make yourself feel better? And don't worry, I haven't forgotten that I'm getting one too. My $2k car is not sitting next to his $60k car in the garage - are you frickin' kidding me? He picked the E55 ASG, and I want the C55 ASG. Same car, mine's just smaller. Don't worry, different colors. I don't quite know how it worked out that way, but I've made it clear I'm getting it, and I want him to help me financially (putting his name on the loan, etc.) Oh yes, I will get it. He REALLY pissed me off with that car. He complained today that I won't have anything to do with it - I won't even look at it from the outside. was "RETRIBUTION" - HE SAID SO! Of COURSE I'm pissed at the car and what it represents!

Yes, I KNOW I was the one in the wrong, but damnit, he used this whole thing to his advantage, although he'll argue with you for hours about it.

What can I do? He was going to check himself into the mental ward? If there was something I could say, something I could do...I would do it. I've already tried asking him, over and over, if I could make him hot chocolate so I could grind up some of my medication and put it in there. At least he'd feel relief for a few hours. I may just make it tonight without asking him and hand it to him - he won't want to hurt my feelings and not drink it. It's just...which med to choose? Klonipin? A teeny tiny bit of Seroquel? I'm afraid with the Seroquel I'll overdo it and he'll be out for days. That stuff is POWERFUL if you've never taken it.

I'm such a horrible person, but at the same time, I'm pissed as hell. Does that make any sense?

And...I missed work again, but at least I got my Adderall prescription and dropped it off.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh day - yay! I was GOING to see if I could try and skip dinner tonight, but I'm pretty hungry and think I'll have to eat last night's dinner.

Hrmph. I'll be fat forever. There's no ending to how much weight I need to lose, is there?

What if Mark decides he just can't get over this? A stupid, frickin email? (Although, this is probably count 2). I don't know what I would do.

Home Today

I need an Adderall refill, so I stayed home today. My boss will TOTALLY believe I'm out sick, as both he and I were really sick at work yesterday. I'm sure he's in the office today just to prove a point, and really, I could be in the office too, but I need that darned prescription! I can't go pick it up until this afternoon, so afterwards, I may just swing by work for a few hours.

I've decided, and told Mark, that I'm getting a Mercedes, too. I found a 2005 Mercedes C55 AMG (as if I knew all of this model stuff before) with 8k miles on it, and if I needed his help as a joint applicant, then he needed to help me. He agreed...but reluctantly. He's afraid I might "cheat" on him and he'll end up with 2 Mercedes payments because I won't be able to afford mine on my own. He's right, I might not be able to, but I'm not planning on going anywhere. The only way that I can see at this moment that we'd break up is if he left. The only way he would leave, he said, is if I emailed another ex again. I just don't see what the big deal is. I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM! We've gone over and over this again and again, and I'm being as nice as I possibly can and trying to rebuild the trust and be patient, but I just feel like he's over-reacting. If the shoe were on the other foot though...I dunno...I'd probably be pretty pissed.

I had an Egg McMuffin for breakfast yesterday morning, came home and made a Lean Cuisine, and then put it in the fridge and went to bed instead of eating it. That means I only had 6 points out of 18 points on the "Weight Watchers" scale. To put it in reality, I had about 300 - 350 calories yesterday. See, I bought these cool Diesel jeans that are a 27 (size 4) that I can put on and zip, but they are TIGHT. I will really have to diet for them to fit well enough to wear them comfortably, although I know they will stretch out a bit if I just wear them for an hour or so. So why didn't I get the 28's? They were too big. It's like I needed a 27.5.

I measured my waist and was surprised it was about (a little less, a little more) 27, and was shocked. The last time I measured it, it was about 30 or 31. My waist and my tummy are my "problem areas", too. HOW IN THE HELL DO WOMEN GET 24 INCH WAISTS? If I had a 24 inch waist, I wouldn't be 36-24-36. I'd be like...32(1?) - 24-32(1?). But I don't think my waist is CAPABLE of getting down to 24 inches. That's crazy talk.

I'm slowly becoming friends with the girl I couldn't stand before - Bipolar Girl. She's moved out on her own, and I have a bit of respect for her now, which I didn't before. Plus, the Abilify helps me tolerate people in general. I'm still not sharing with her that I'm bipolar. I've noticed she talks a LOT less. I think she's getting over her "manic" phase. I can actually get a word in edgewise.

Except for Mark, things are okay. I just don't know where we stand. I think if I get a new car, too, it will solve that issue for me. I understand people say things they don't mean when they are upset, and I've confronted him about them. When he was saying them, I just shut down. I let him say whatever, call me whatever, and I just laid in bed, not reacting. He said that actually made him more mad, as if I didn't care because I didn't argue back. I wasn't about to argue, when the issue at hand he was actually right. But what he doesn't understand is what people say when they're THAT mad just doesn't go away, and while I've confronted him about what he said, he shoos it away with "you know how people get when they're THAT angry". Yeah, things so mean that I'll never forget them? It's like...I have no right to bring up what he said to me because of what I did. Oh trust me...that part doesn't matter...I still do it anyway.

I get my laptop in a few days! It has already been shipped, and it will be so nice to have a new laptop! I've used this one for about 4 years now, and today's games will just barely play on it now.

Since I'm sick today "ahem", I think I'll go to bed. :-)


I feel better than I did last night - MUCH more mentally stable than last night, but I can't write about it right now. Mark decided to get up at 5:00a with me this morning. (??) So I'm sitting here watching my John Mayer DVD, and he's actually watching it with me and commenting. God figure.

So What, Who Cares

I don't know how I'll feel in an hour, in a day, in a week, in a year, but I know how I feel right now. Angry to the point of crying and manipulated.

All the crap that has been going on with Mark and I these past few days...well, he's really made me suffer and made me feel like shit. He's called me names, said all kinds of things, acted all kinds of ways, and you know what one of the things he said was? After all of this "anxiety" he supposedly had, he thought he would go get a new car. He EVEN said for "retribution".

Guess where he is right now? It's 8:30p and he's buying a new Mercedes. I have a piece of shit car that the light blinks because the airbags don't work - 1997!! and he's out buying a new Mercedes for "retribution" against me.

All of a sudden, he was calling me all the time at work today, acting so loving. How was I supposed to know that this dealership found him the car he wanted today and he wanted to go buy it after work? He asked about it, and because he was being so nice after being so cold, I said go ahead. But now...after thinking about the last few days....I'm pretty pissed.

SO pissed, in fact, that I'm wondering what the hell am I even doing here. Should I just go start over somewhere? Go to a whole new town in a new state, find a new job and start from scratch...again? I've never done that by myself - move all alone. It's only a thought right now, and I don't even know why I'm thinking it and it's probably very extreme, still popped up in my head as an option. Why is that? Why do I want to run?

I even thought about where would I go? I would go to Colorado - both my Dad and cousin live in the same city. I've been there many times as a teenager, so I know it a little. I'm not big on mountains, but I'm big on people who like being outside.

I thought about...taking the living room furniture in the formal living room and the mattress in the spare bedroom.

I thought about...leaving the city where my dog Cody lived and died, where Mark and I grew together for 10 years, I was married and divorced, had several doomed romances, had different careers....leaving it all behind and starting fresh.

Am I going through a mid-life crisis?

Do people go through this...this seriously? I certainly don't want to face Mark tonight and his new Mercedes. FOR RETRIBUTION. My ass. He played me. That's how I feel. He made me feel like dirt so he could get a car. That's EXACTLY how I feel.

I could and might be wrong, but right now, I don't care. I'm mad, and I just want to cry. I feel so used, even though really, honestly, it's not my money. But, it's supposed to be OUR money, right?

I was supposed to get a new car first - I have the 1997, and he had the 2001.

A new car for retribution - making me feel like shit so I'd give in to him.

Man I'm pissed. I locked the door from the garage to the house so he'll open it, see it's locked, know I'm pissed and have to use his key to get in. HA! A small act, but at least he'll know what I'm feeling.

I called him at the Mercedes dealership and he answered, saying "hang on, I have to take this call..." calling me sweetie and honey, and I just said "Are you STILL buying your Mercedes?" and when he said yes, I just said ok bye, and hung up before he said anything. I didn't give him a chance to say bye, love you like we always do, nothing.

I'll always see that car and feel manipulated and hate him for it.

Always. And I don't even know what it looks like yet, but it doesn't matter. It's what it represents.

And you know what? He did this to his ex-wife too. How do I know? He told me after the first month or two of dating! Although she supposedly cheated on him and he found out, it wasn't a stupid email. Now I'm wondering if she even cheated on him.

Another Day

I spent most of the day thinking about what happened yesterday between Mark and myself. He is so upset that he can barely eat, made an emergency appt with his psychiatrist and drove there, just to find out the appt was NEXT Monday. He says he has unbearable anxiety.

I was working out at lunch, and the song "Why Georgia" came on my Ipod, and it was all I could do to not start crying. I know, I'm all about John Mayer STILL, but every word seemed to hit home.

I know that I am in the wrong here. Mark is acting like he is going to "punish" me by going out and buying a new car to make himself feel better - a 2004 50k Mercedes, no less. I don't really care though. I've been telling him to get a new car for a year now.

I can't get over him saying to me "Would ex-b have stayed with you when you gained 50 pounds?" when he was furious with me, and you start saying things that are the most hurtful you can think of.

That will stick with me forever, I think. No, I couldn't care less if ex-b would have stayed with me or not. I'm not analyzing it because there's no purpose. BUT...the words cut like a knife. He thought I was "leavable" when I gained 50 pounds? Does that mean he considered leaving me?

Great, now that I'm typing a blog entry, he just got a bit rude and said "see you tomorrow", and walked up the stairs to bed. I guess he's sleeping in the other bedroom again tonight. The thing that's different about this "fight" is that I'm not begging him to come to our bedroom. If that's where he wants to be, I'll give him his space.

I didn't stay at work until 7:00p tonight and came home at 5:00p instead. I took his hands in mine, told him I was very sorry, I loved him more than anything, I didn't know why I did what I did, and I wanted to marry him. I made sure to look deep into his eyes.

I was very sincere. What more can I do?

I hate my home life being like this. I hate being in pain because he is in pain.

I just want my life to be normal again.

I don't want to cry to John Mayer.

It's not like I had an AFFAIR or anything, geez. It was something so stupid I did...a little email that meant NOTHING. Why is this such a big deal? I realize that now he may be insecure, but I have no idea what to do in this situation.

What the hell do I do?

Once again, I used "poor judgment".

Story of my life.

What Happened

I'm already going to be late for work, so I thought I'd record this.

Mark slept in the other bedroom last night. I cornered him and asked him WHY, after 3 or 4 months, did he just come out with me sending emails to my ex-b. He looked like a trapped animal. I kept asking. He finally said he tried to come on to me when I was sleeping, and I said "no, not now (ex-b's name)". It's plausible I could have done that. Who knows what you might do in your sleep?

He's pretty hurt and upset, as I would be too, and he's distant, although it's not like he's not talking to me, because he is. He told me goodbye when he left for work, let me hug him good morning and he hugged me back, stuff like that. But I feel like he's being a MARTYR. He's always the martyr. Why not just get it all out? Why not call me a bitch? He finally called me a nasty "ho" last night when he was furious with me (I don't think I've ever seen him that mad), and while I was incredibly mad and hurt, I just let him know he will never call me that again. He came in to talk to me, and was furious, and I just listened. He kept asking question after question, and I didn't respond. I was in my "zone". He kept on and on, but me answering was only going to make things worse and fan the fire. I thought it would be best if I just kept my mouth shut.

Yes, the email said that I have never experienced a relationship that passionate before (meaning, my relationship with Mark isn't passionate, and he's taking it all kinds of ways), and how if I moved to MN I'd never see him again (meaning I was trying to meet up with him, and I still wanted to be with him or at least thought about him (when I used his name when he came on to me).

None of these assumptions are true, but yes, I totally see where he would think this. I would too - 100%.

I KNOW these are all bad things.

Shouldn't we just break up?

Gotta go to work.


I should write about all the nice things Mark does for selfless and generous he is, but I don't. I just take it for granted, and then something happens and he seems like a big jerk.

I feel SO depressed. I was laying in bed, dizzy from not eating yesterday, when Mark came upstairs and said we should break up, he had too much anxiety. Out of the blue, it seemed to me. Well, unbeknownst to me, he has been tracking my emails (or has certain email addresses flagged by the router, so he said, but then how does he read them?) and brought up the stupid email to/from my ex-boyfriend last year - he said around Thanksgiving. I couldn't have told you when it was, it was that insignificant. If he can read my emails (the FLAGGED ones) from the "router", then I guess anything broadcast over the internet, such as this entry, he can read. He said he doesn't read my blog, and now I see he doesn't have to - he just reads it from whatever he is reading everything else. I check the city/states to see if anyone I possibly know could be reading my blog, and I would KNOW if he were reading it, and he hasn't been.

So back to the story. Supposedly he has been upset about this since Thanksgiving, and I said something about passion in my email to my ex-b. Why had he not said anything until NOW? Until it gave him so much anxiety he said he wanted to break up? He didn't actually want to, he just said it. Maybe he meant it at that very moment, but once I took it seriously, it sunk in, I was crying and it was like "whatever, fine..." in a shock, he didn't want to anymore.

I can think whatever I want, be mad, be upset, but the truth is...I did what I did, and I even blogged about it. If it were me, I would be mad as hell, threatening to leave, but I wouldn't wait three months to do it.

Ultimatums were made, such as getting married by a certain time frame, things like that. It was just horrible, and I'm not even touching on anything that was said really. There was no was very civil. I go into a zone when these things happen. I'm used to people leaving me....everyone in my life but him. Why would I think this relationship would be any different, even after 10 years? My mind starts racing ahead towards survival...that's all I've known up until now. But it never really leaves you. I guess I'll always be in a "survival mode", which is part of the reason I feel so miserable if I'm not working.

I feel like taking a bunch of Seroquel and going to bed. My old stand-by coping mechanism, and I was doing SO WELL, too, since I found the right dosage of Abilify. Now I'm insecure, ashamed, uncomfortable, and feel like a horrible person.

And I've eaten over my 18 Weight Watcher points on top of everything.

I hate my life. And right now, myself, too. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I guess when people do these sorts of things, they don't either, do they. I feel like such a bad person - this isn't who I am, I tell myself, but yet...why did I do it? I'll have to go back in my blog to see.

Sometimes...thank God I have a blog so I don't have to wonder what in the hell was I thinking.

Now back to that Seroquel...

What To Do...

I'm actually a very sensitive person to other people's feelings, so when I think I've hurt someone or made them feel bad about themselves, it makes me feel horrible.

I started my blog to track my mood swings, thoughts, you know - anything that I might be able to look back later and think "yes, I can see where and how the depression started..." and hopefully tell my psychiatrist.

I never meant to upset anyone at all. I just meant to write for me, but I've noticed that my writing style changed at some point when I read beginning entries to present because of my awareness someone might be reading my "journal".

So, with that being said, I'm just going to stick to writing what is on my mind. That's what I created my blog to do. If I don't do that, well...what's the purpose? To put up ads and make money? That actually annoys me.

Since joining Weight Watchers a little over a week ago, my eating habits have dramatically changed. The whole totaling of points for the day is freaking me out. Because Friday nights Mark and I go out to eat, I throw caution to the wind and eat what I want. But I can't eat a whole meal - my stomach has shrunk. So I take it home, and slowly eat it through the course of the night until I finish it and go to bed. Yesterday, I had 29 points. My maximum amount is only 18. So what have I had today? Half of an egg mcmuffin - 3 points, and I can't seem to talk myself into eating anything else. I take that back. I'm talking myself successfully into NOT eating anything else. I plan on going to bed with a total of 3 points for the day. 29 points did not RUIN me for the week. I have 35 "extra" points to do whatever I want to do with any time during the week, but still. Numbers FREAK ME OUT.

Numbers rule my life right now. How much do I weigh? What is my BMI? What size do I wear? How many calories did I burn on the stairstepper? How much weight have I lost this month? This year? Total? And now, since Weight Watchers, how many points have I eaten today? How LOW can I make my points total for the day? It's a race, now. My lowest has been 6 points. If I don't eat anything else today, my lowest will now be 3. But I only get 18 a day, so that's not saying much.

I need to get my mind on something else, but what? Work is a good distraction, it requires no food, and let's me work out during lunch instead of eat.

I actually want to get BELOW my healthy weight for my height, because I'm so small boned. Then I'll know I'm thin enough. But if I tell anyone that, they'll think something is wrong with me. It's those same people who don't see me in my bra and panties to SEE what I'm talking about. THEN they would understand.

Mark acts like I make him feel fat. He constantly complains about his weight around me because of how I eat and what I eat. I ask him...then why don't you just change WHAT you eat? Maybe it's my fault. I should actually cook. He's not fat at all...but somehow, I make people feel like they are, and I don't know what I do. It's not the way I LOOK, it's how I ACT and what I talk about, I think. Obsessively talking about losing weight. I'm sure it gets to him.

He's been in a really bad mood today, and I told him he was an emotional rollercoaster and needed to see his psychiatrist. He goes for depression, and I honestly don't know much more about it. He doesn't talk about it, I never know when his appts are, what they talk about, or his diagnosis, except it's recurring depression or something like that. All I know is he takes 2 medications every day. About his mood, he said "please don't put this in your blog". It's MY BLOG, and he's been cranky and unhappy all day, EXCEPT!

Joy of all joys! He helped me pick out a new laptop and bought it for me today! :-) I should have it by the end of the month. I'm so excited!

And to be totally honest...I'm hungry, too. But that part is almost normal by now.

My Drugged Up Dad

My Dad is probably my closest (relationship wise) relative, and even we aren't that close. He sent me an email today, and I think he was half on drugs. I know in the same email he said his doctor gave him a strong pain killer, so I'm blaming that. Here's part of what he wrote:

"Thank you for any prayers (I don't really even know if you are still a believer, or have changed) or positive thoughts, or well-wishing you did for me. Thanks. I love you, and would like to increase our communications. Even though when I read what you write, I feel inferior in intelligence and ability to express myself. And there is always the guilt of having been worse than the worst father a girl has ever had, Or not had, since I never was there for you.

Would love to know what you think of the new Congress's progress; How is Mark's job search going? How is your mental health, and you know, all that stuff. I really would love to hear from you more. So would your Grandma. She's kinda lonely, now. She would really value your just sending her chatty e-mails . Would really improve her life. Love you, dad"

What in the world am I supposed to say to that? I'm thinking about chalking it up to him being on pain medication and not responding. But then again, that sounds just like something HE would do if he received an email like that.

I reached my first weight goal! At 176.6, my goal was 125 (or 124?). I weighed 124.5 this morning. I had a rough few days, though. I only ate breakfast 3 mornings in a row (I honestly wasn't hungry), couldn't sleep, and the last day I worked 13 hours straight. I got up the 3rd morning and was dizzy, even though I drank a whole pot of coffee, and I felt weak. I was pretty sick. I came home that day, took 100mg of Seroquel (I normally take 50mg when I am GOING to bed), ate some stuff in the house, got a great night of sleep, and was back to normal the next day. This morning, I tried my best to choke my breakfast down, but gave up after over half of it. That's the only meal I MAKE myself eat. I just think to myself...if you're not hungry, why FORCE yourself to eat? Isn't that how many people get fat? Eating whatever they want when they want, at many times just for the flavor? I'm SO past that.

My new goal is now 115. I don't know what is a good size for someone who is 5'6". I wear a size 4 pair of pants for work, but a size 4 pair of jeans is another story. Sure, I can get in them, button and zip them, but then my stomach becomes a "muffin top". I always hear that model sample sizes are now 0, and they are WAY taller than I am, so...? Mark and I actually had an argument about this. He went so far as to grab a couple of my fashion magazines, flip through the pages, and point to girls with "curves". That offended me. That sounded like he was saying I was fat! We got to this huge spread of Victoria Secret's models and he was pointing out what types of hips he liked, but he was pointing out the bigger hips. So naturally, I said "YOU think I have FAT HIPS!", I think he does, no matter what he says. What did he say? "NOW you think Victoria Secret models are FAT? Who's next?". It's not that at all. It's just...why does he have a whole magazine full of pictures of women's bodies, and he's picking out curvy hips? Wouldn't anyone take that to mean they have FAT HIPS? That's honestly something I've *never* been accused of or considered. Until now. But it makes sense. Now I can see it in the mirror and feel it with my hands. They're pure fat. My hips and my "muffin top". I'm just not working hard enough yet for some reason? But I will. I'll try that much harder.

My boss was out today, and we found these index cards that had our names on each one, with our strengths and weaknesses - what he wanted to help improve in each of us. Very interesting. There was a list of good things about me, and just one small thing to improve - SO small that I can't even remember what it was, and I'm the most sensitive person in the office to criticism. The first one was "good work ethic" and I told my coworker - GREAT! That means I can call in sick on Monday! :-) Reading Bipolar Girl's index card (she wasn't there) was quite interesting. I can't remember anything positive he wrote for her. Just a laundry list of things to improve. But see, these cards were never meant to be seen by us. I was just sitting at his desk acting like a dork and pretending to be him, and told her to sit in his desk so she can see exactly what he sees when he's there. She saw something that caught her eye, picked it up, and underneath were these index cards.

Quite interesting to find out what someone REALLY thinks about you when they believe you'll never read what they've written. For one person, he had tick marks for when he was late, counted how many times he went to lunch, and after the hour was up, came back from lunch and THEN ate lunch. For Bipolar Girl, obviously he had "focus" written all over, and he had tick marks for getting referrals. Weird, because I don't make a point of getting referrals and she does, yet he's zoned in on that for her? I know he has, because he tells her what to say all the time on the phone when she's ON the phone to get referrals, and he never does that to me.

He's a nutjob. Mark said it's not to help us improve as a team, it's to help us make more MONEY for the company - how he sees each of us could improve to do that. I never thought of it that way, but he may be right.

Seeing what he thinks of me, for whatever reason, knowing he never meant for me to see that card, and knowing there was nothing bad on it, makes me feel pretty good. Everyone likes praise in one way or another, even if the reason was selfish, is still good, right?

Damn Cold!

I think I'm allergic to the cold - it's right at the freezing point were I live, and below at night. I'm sick AGAIN. Nothing major - just runny nose, sneezing, watery eyes - like a cold. Should I go to the doctor? It's been going on for about a year or longer now.

My anxiety went away - I think taking the extra Geoden last night, AND taking 4 klonipin before work did the trick. I HAD to. I can't do anything with crippling anxiety. I left work with PLENTY of time to get to work, found out it was snowing/sleeting, and my boss called me when I was in the way there. He asked about road conditions - I told him everyone was driving 20 on the freeway, and you know what he did? He called all of his managers and his team and told them not to come in until 10:00 - 12:00. Me? No, he didn't even suggest I turn around and go home, even though he knew I was just a few miles into my drive. I need to change my cell phone # so he can STOP CALLING ME! He calls me on Friday nights, Sunday nights, during the week, it's out of control. Anyways, I got into the office before 8, he was right behind me (he lives about 2-3 miles from me), so it was just he and I in the whole office. Yay. Me and nutjob together. Alone. With no witnesses when he drives me insane and I take him out and FINALLY get to use my illness to my advantage.

Signing up for WeightWatchers has had the desired effect that the program was created for; however, I didn't realize how little I was eating during the week. Now that I'm recording what I'm eating and know it's being totaled into a numerical value at the end of the day, I eat even LESS. For example - I'm supposed to eat up "20 points" daily. I ate 8 points yesterday. Today...I've eaten 6. I've microwaved 2 Lean Cuisine meals tonight - the first I just threw away. I couldn't eat it, so it sat there and ended up getting spilled on the couch. The second meal is sitting on the kitchen counter, just waiting to be eaten. I don't want it, but props for cooking it with the intent on eating it? I took my meds and am hoping it will make me hungry so I'll eat it and get Mark to shut up.

I think maybe Mark over-reacted about his job. He thought his contract was going to be terminated at the end of the month, but after comments made, now he's not so sure. One thing is clear: it's kicked his butt into even higher gear to get a new job and stop being miserable. I sent his resume to a company that does resumes, and told them to call him tomorrow after work and gave them his phone #. He'll be blindsided, told me not to do it, but...if you always do what someone you love wants you to do, is that the best thing for them? I think his resume needs to be written for an Executive. I wrote a lot of his resume, so yeah, I'm an IT Recruiter, and he gets IT job calls out the wazoo. I just think there has to be ANOTHER WAY, and neither of us could possibly know what that is. Obviously, I could be very wrong, he could get annoyed and mad that I'm meddling, and just hang up on the guy. At least I tried... He DOES have a video conference tomorrow with a large insurance company for a Director position - cross your fingers and say a prayer!

I am helping a guy at work get a permanent job as he has a contract in CA (a lot of developers prefer contracts), and he called me today and said they let him go because they found out he was looking for another job. Should I feel bad? I do. But yet...I didn't force him to look for another job, he was miserable where he was; however, I'm sure he has to put food on the table and I know he has a mortgage to pay. He'll probably end up taking a quick contract before he finishes any perm opportunity process. If I ever deserved a commission, this time would be it because of ALL I've had to do with and for him, but...from my experience it's always the ones that come together with the greatest of ease. I guess when the perfect job comes for the right person, it all works out.

Work went really well today...all in all, it was a good day except for this DAMN COLD.

I REALLY hope Mark's interview goes well tomorrow, and that the job that is meant for him comes along soon - hopefully, it's the one that he's interviewing (Interview #2 - face to video conference face) tomorrow. That would relieve SO MUCH STRESS for me. I've even given up caring how much it pays just because his happiness, I've found, is more important to me and my peace of mind.

Anxiety? Panic? Very Sick...

I'm having an anxiety/panic attack. It's so bad that I feel like I'm going to throw up. I took extra Geodon and Klonipin just now, but haven't taken my Seroquel for bed. All I've had to eat today is 1/2 protein bar.

I don't know how to deal. At work, my candidate was a no show for 2 phone interviews, said he was backing out of all 3 companies that he was interviewing with, I told the Account Managers, then I talked him back into interviewing with 2 of them.

The whole day was a roller coaster. I was mad at my boss for talking to a guy about becoming an Account Manager who has been there a lot less time than me, but he's never discussed it with me. He asks this guy to play football with his team on the weekend and treats him differently. It almost convinced me to get another job today. Yes, I know he's a jerk, but I think he discriminates against women.

Mark called me while I was at work and his car broke down on his way home - about a mile from the house. He started walking when he called me, and I left before 7:00p, which I told my boss I was going to stay until (now I'll have to stay tomorrow and Thursday until 7:00p), and he got a ride home with a neighbor. When I got home, he told me he was probably going to lose his job in about two weeks or less. He's a contractor for this company, and has been while he's been looking for a permanent position that he really wanted.

I called roadside service that we pay for from our car insurance, and just the sight of his car hazard lights made me dizzy and thinking I was going to puke. He kept talking and talking which, I'm glad he did - he needed to get it out, and I really think he's jumping to conclusions about the job thing, but it was making me sicker and sicker.

I thought through what he was going to do for a car tomorrow, and we came up with a solution. He just now made the reservations, and I won't even be late to work tomorrow.

During this crazy time, though, my candidate, who happens to live in California, started calling me about his rescheduled interview tomorrow, and telling me why he blew them off, etc. I was trying to talk to him when the tow truck guy got there, deal with the news of Mark's job (his assumptions), and work through what Mark was going to do about a car tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and at home, I was answering responses Mark's had regarding his resume that I posted on a different job board with a different email address than he uses and even a slightly different resume.

It's too much for me, and it shouldn't be. I should be able to handle this, and I'm not. I'm NOT freaking out, locked up in panic, unable to function, none of that.

I just feel very, very nauseous and my stomach is in my throat. My heart is beating fast and I can't swallow without a lump and feeling even more sick. It's like when you have the flu - you look up, down, to the side, and you feel sicker because of the movement and the dizziness.

You know how you feel when you're excited - the good butterflies in your stomach? That's how I feel, except it's BAD and STRONG.

I would just go make myself throw up, but I took too much medicine.

I told Mark to PLEASE stop talking about everything, I wasn't doing very well and had to take extra medication.

I want to be there for him....but what do I do? I can't just keep it all in, my body won't let me PHYSICALLY. It's too overwhelming emotionally, if that makes sense.

This shouldn't be that big of a deal.

I need to learn to deal with this. Life isn't always easy. I'd like to be able to deal with this without medication, but then again, if I didn't need it, my doctor wouldn't prescribe it, right?

What if I'm Okay?

"I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...
just a lie you've got to rise above."

I've felt okay for a couple of days now...but how do you if you're really "okay" after not being "okay" for awhile? I mean, I feel good enough - so how do I know I'm not slightly manic and will exhibit a symptom at any time now? I almost can't believe it. It went from extreme to normal too quickly. In a day!

Something that is really ME, well, now I'm questioning it. Case in point:

Yesterday I listened to a dog bark and bark for hours. The temperature was about freezing, and it was raining really hard and cold for most of the day. The dog wasn't barking just a bark here and there. It was quick, loud almost-yelps that I thought might be pain. I started thinking about dogs being neglected and abused because it lasted for so long, and when I kept asking Mark about it, he shrugged it off and said the dog barked like that all the time. It did? See, I wouldn't KNOW that because I always have something ON all the time - the television, music - anything to drown out silence because, well...I've heard voices before. But for some reason, yesterday there were periods of silence and I kept hearing the dog.

Finally I got fed up. I couldn't take the thought of an animal in pain any longer. I put on my overcoat, grabbed an umbrella while Mark was trying to talk me out of it. It was raining HARD. I rounded the corner, and started walking in the grass behind people's back fences until I saw a little tail and heard the loud "yelp". I realized that somehow, the dog was in the FRONT yard in front of the fence.

I walked to the front of the house, fully prepared to take the dog home with me, and found the daughter running out to get the dog. After HOURS of the dog barking, she conveniently just came to get the dog? NO. Their windows all face the backyard, and they must have seen me and my umbrella through the fence (it's only a steel-bar fence).

I said, in a voice that isn't normally mine...

"I've come to see about THE DOG." It makes me laugh now to think about HOW I said it.

The dog was somehow tied to the front of the fence, and I don't know why he was barking - probably because he was being rained on and it was cold. The father came out and embarrassedly said "hello", following his daughter towards the cute little beagle that I really WOULD have liked to have.

I didn't know what to do, so I turned around, and walked home, in the rain once again. Mark met me at the front door.

"We won't be hearing from the dog again", I told him.

"Why? What did you do?" he asked me, kind of scared, as he griped about my using his umbrella (I can't ever find mine).

"They saw me outside and I told them I was there because of the dog, and they got him."

We haven't heard him anymore all weekend. that ME? I would say YES, I always get fired up about animals. Dogs in particular. But how do I KNOW?

How DO you know? Does it even matter? I think it does. But now I'm confused. What is me? What are my symptoms? Don't I need to know so I know if I'm manic or depressed? What if that was me being manic yesterday? SEEMS typical of me. I'm incredibly non-confrontational except for one thing: animals.

Do I make a list of what is me? Hell, I don't know.

Who am I? After so many years, if I really am okay, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I signed up for Weight Watchers, but only so I could use the "Point System" and track what I eat. I've used Weight Watchers online before, and it's really good for that. It wouldn't let me join for my height and weight. What happened to capitalism? So I lied about my weight and it let me join. But get this...I only added 2 pounds. So instead of 127 for 5'6", I said I was 129. Somehow, at 129 I'm a fat ass, but at 127 I'm not? How does that work? And my goal can't be smaller than 125 - I tried to make it 115. They don't UNDERSTAND. I have very small bones -all of my weight is in between my shoulders and my hips. I'm like an apple with sticks for arms and legs poking out. So I feel justified in lying. It's for NORMAL people, and my body structure is NOT NORMAL.

And I don't starve myself anymore. I just want to track what I eat, when I exercise, and hopefully be down to 115 by my birthday in August!

"We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for..." Doesn't that sum up the war in Iraq?



FINALLY I'm through the Abilify dosage change emotional rollercoaster. I keep reading my last post and remembering how horrible it was - just a few days ago! For a couple of weeks!

The last few days I've finally "settled in", and I've felt really good! Mark said it's like I'm "back in the relationship again", and it FEELS like it. He explained it like this, and it was a great explanation:

All the other medications brought me from a low to a not-as-low and better level than I was. But...this Abilify, once the right dosage was found and kicked in, is like magic.

I feel normal, I feel BETTER than just "okay", and I don't take "just okay" lightly. My GOAL is to be "just okay". Oh yes, and to take at least one shower on the weekends. :-)

I am tolerating Bipolar Girl at work, and I think she's manic and going through Bipolar Rage. She's really going at it with my boss, and we're all on tiptoes when they're arguing. I question whether she's really bipolar sometimes and just full of crap because she likes taking prescription drugs that are not prescribed for her by her "friends", so she says. However, the anger that she's showing leads me to believe....yes, maybe she IS bipolar. Another knock on wood that I'm taking medication and not going through that, jeopordizing everything in my life.

My boss, while HE acts bipolar as week he's crabby, the next he's nice - I'm actually tolerating HIM too! He makes me laugh now. He said I'm learning how to "take him better" and not be so sensitive. If he only knew I had to MEDICATE myself to tolerate him! He reminds me of Archie Bunker, and we all decided he says inappropriate things like "Michael", the boss on the television show "The Office". Imagine the scene where the man was gay, and to prove he was okay with it, he kissed the gay man. Now he's not THAT bad, but to the black employees, he'll try to talk "ghetto" to them, and it's absolutely ridiculous, and I've given up trying not to laugh. I just laugh out loud - why does he pretend to be something he's not? I don't. I don't say, like he did, stupidly, in his "white" voice to a black employee: "Legit is like Ice Cube". Ice Cube??? I couldn't stop laughing, even when he asked me, in his innocent way "What? What did I do?".

I don't know how long I'll actually feel good...maybe just until my boss goes back to his crabby ways...but I'll enjoy it for now.

And I hate to jinx myself. By saying I feel good is a sure way to invite disaster. It happens to me every time...seriously.

Oh yes, and I weighed. I'm SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF! I thought FOR SURE I was back in the 130's. I weigh 127. That's just 1/2 pound away from where I was before the holidays, and I lost 1 1/2 from what I gained after Thanksgiving. I'm so happy about that!

And I haven't been "sick" anymore, either, like I was every week. I thought it was the gym's shower gel, but now I've been using it again, and I'm totally fine. I think NOW it's how I eat. When I eat say...600 calories for a week solid, that's when my immune system breaks down and I get "sick". I'll find out soon enough, I'm sure.

AND I'm still going to gym, although my jerk boss doesn't like it when anyone leaves at EXACTLY on time for anything. Whether I can tolerate him or not, he's still a jerk.

I Feel Weird

I feel so weird. First of all, I just watched a show about bugs, so I feel creepy and crawly and roly and poly and icky and yucky about bugs. I'm scratching and itching and my skin is crawling. Oh yeah, I already used the word "crawl". I guess "crawling" is really strong right now in how I'm feeling.

All I can figure out is that I feel so strange because of this Abilify dosage change. I went from 5mg, to 10mg, to 15mg....then my doctor thought 15mg was too much because I had overwhelming restlessness, so now I'm taking about 7-8mg a day in the morning (instead of 5 in the morning, 5 in the afternoon, but that is just a pain, and I can't live that way). But...I feel WEIRD.

How can I explain it?

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I took my nighttime meds, with 50mg Seroquel per usual, and couldn't fall asleep. And my sex drive! Mark made advances, and I actually LIKED that he did! So after that, I was just wide awake, and it was about 11p. I've noticed that Abilify has kicked my sex drive way into overdrive. Has anyone else had this side effect? It's quite bizarre.

I got up, took another 50mg of Seroquel, and at some point, I guess I fell asleep. Never mind this is twice my normal dosage.

My alarm clock went off at 5:00a, per usual. I always walk across the room and press snooze at least twice, and get up before 6:00 - oh yeah, my clock is 20 minutes fast. You get the picture. This morning, I got out of bed, turned the alarm clock off, and started getting ready for work.

My stomach hurt, but I confused it with hunger pain, and had a ProteinBar with coffee. I got to work about 15 mins early, and dove right in. That's not to say I didn't have memory problems or concentration issues during the day. I did. Nothing MAJOR. I would try to create something to "promote" a person for a job to send in an email, and the words just wouldn't come. I would try to think of a name of one of my candidate's that's interviewing for a job, and I would have to look the name up. I would sit there and think "'s uhhhh....".

But my day wasn't BAD. I tolerated Bipolar Girl, which is a GOOD thing. To keep my toleration level in check is very important. ;) It's a fine balance with her. I can't start a whole conversation with her, because I have this fear that she won't stop talking, and my boss will get annoyed. I have a fear that he'll get annoyed because he always does when she starts talking. It's a vicious circle.

I let my guard down today and laughed - really laughed - at my boss. He was just so silly, I couldn't help it. It IS funny when he makes an idiot out of himself. :-)

And then I was driving home, and I started missing Mark and feeling a lot of compassion for him that he can't find the job he wants, and he's so unhappy doing what he's doing. I felt almost overwhelmed with it, and started calling him at home and on his cell, but couldn't reach him. I kept calling and calling, which probably sounds obsessive, but trust me, it's me being me. THAT part is not abnormal. I wasn't freaking that he was dead or anything.

I got home, and then I don't know what to call it "hit". It was overwhelming. I had my knees pulled up to my chin on the couch with the blanket over me (not my head) because I was cold (I'm always cold), and just prayed to God, SERIOUSLY PRAYED, to take care of me - to take all of these feelings away. And to take care of Mark - to help him be happy. I guess it was anxiety? The word "anxiety" doesn't seem to fit, though. I can't think of a word that describes it. I still feel it, albeit not as much, right now.

Mark got home, we ordered spaghetti, and he asked me why I was staring at the wall again. I don't know. I just start thinking about something so intensely, and I don't think where I'm looking, I just think about what I'm thinking. It's not even anything in particular - just a train of thought like you would normally have, but...INTENSELY. Does that make any sense?

Maybe all of my feelings are overpowered right now? Except...I don't feel sadness. There's no depression, and Mark said I seem better, because last weekend all I wanted to do was take medicine and sleep. Except...I remember I kept taking medicine and I never DID sleep.

It was because everything was and is (I don't know if it is to the same degree) so INTENSE. My fears, my....well, fears? Maybe that's why I don't call it anxiety. It's fear. But of what?

See, it's like this. For an extreme example. I use the phone ALL DAY every day. But all of a sudden, I have this fear of ANSWERING the phone. I can pick up the phone and call anyone anytime. But I have a fear of answering my ringing phone when I don't know who is on the other end. Isn't that bizarre? It's a pretty bad thing to have when you're a recruiter and people are interviewing for jobs, and Account Managers need to get ahold of you to relay messages about your candidates and to your candidates as well. Including....people you've called that WANT a job that you have that you WANT to fill! For money!

So what do I do? I let voicemail get it, listen to the message, and then call them back. Chances are, I've missed some good calls. Now, I DO answer the phone the majority of the time, probably, but...why don't I answer the phone ALL of the time? What is up with me and the phone all of a sudden? What am I so scared of? Telling people no, I don't have an answer? No, they didn't get the job? But I know it could be anyone calling me, and I try to decipher caller id before I answer the phone. I wish my boss would just lean over and tell me to start answering my damn phone, because of course he can hear it just like I can hear his. But he doesn't.

Which reminds me. I wish people wouldn't call and just start talking to me like I know who they are. I don't. I wish they would state their name and what they do and give me a head's up on who the hell they are instead of me playing this guessing game and praying I'm not saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. "Hi KansasSunflower! Have you heard anything?". I'm thinking..."ok....who the hell is this, what do they do and what job are they talking about.....let's guess and pray I'm right...."

Fear. What the hell am I so afraid of? Why are things so overwhelming?

Why am I so messed up? I've only JUST changed my dosage (again), so I need to give it at least a week or's not like I'm suicidal. I'm just DIFFERENT. I can't even say emotional. I've changed. ???

I'm a different person?

I don't know. This whole medication merry go 'round has got to stop. How can a few mg of Abilify do this to someone? I want off this crazy train.......called Life. (not literally, but going to a spa for week sounds pretty darned nice...)

Ok - I'm going to take 100mg of Seroquel (screw trying 50, waiting 2 hours, and taking 50 more), and going to bed.

Maybe God will answer my prayers tomorrow, or maybe by my praying, my outlook will be different.

Update on Abilify

Well, it's been about a week since I cut back on my Abilify. There's this whole insurance issue thing going on, so I'm actually taking a bit less than my doctor recommended, but I don't see that as a bad thing as long as I'm taking it.

I need less sleep, I can't concentrate as well as I used to, I'm not as hungry unless I take a ton of Seroquel and then I eat all the time, but I don't think I'm manic. My sex drive is up (very bizarre), but I just think it's the Abilify and finding the right dosage. I'm supposed to be taking 5mg in the morning, and 5 mg sometime during the day, but I don't know when to take it during the day, and that would require me to carry ONE MORE pill bottle in my purse. I already have a drugstore in there, when I open my purse, I hide the inside from everyone so they can't see in. Does anyone else feel like they have to do that?

I haven't been mentioning what a JERK my boss has being. One day, he TOLD me not to go to lunch when I was running behind and I was going to go at 1:30. Another day, I got to work, and it was if he'd been pondering this all night. He said "you know, you could come in before work and work out and not have to go at lunch.". WTF? I go every day to work out during lunch and I'm never late nor do I take longer than my allotted lunch period. Why is he trying to squeeze extra hours out of me? No, don't worry, I'm ignoring him about going to work out during lunch. That's the ONLY reason I go to this expensive gym - for something to do during my lunch hour. It makes me feel good, too. He can be such a JACKASS. I mean, for even SAYING that and making me feel GUILTY now about working out at all. I do, I feel bad about it now, like I'm doing something wrong, and it's MY lunch hour to do what *I* want!

I walked into our "room" where I work, and my boss and the Bipolar Girl were arguing - I mean, they were really going at it. I had to stand there, uncomfortably, waiting for my boss to finish because I needed him to meet my candidate. I sit between them, so I was in the middle of them, just staring off to the side - I mean, what do you do? He's a jerk, like I said, to begin with. But she's got her own issues a manager, I have no clue how I'd deal with them. His issue with her was that she doesn't concentrate, and her resumes she gives him doesn't match job descriptions. Her issue with him was that he was too picky with resumes and all the other Account Managers like her resumes, and she wasn't recruiting for him anymore. What she doesn't understand is that HE is the one who decides if she stays or if she goes. To put this into perspective - I've been there since June 12 - she's been there since maybe...end of July or so. I've made 6 deals, she's made 1.

When my boss and I came back, everyone was gone, and I asked him if everything was okay between him and Bipolar Girl. He said no - started talking about her concentration, and how she wasn't meeting her "numbers", she wasn't "focusing" and she "wasn't making deals" or "matching up resumes". Is it just me, or does it sound like she's about to be let go? I KNOW she drives me crazy sometimes, but I don't want to see her get fired, for God's sake. I would actually miss her. I've got to do something to help her out, but what? I've given her my doctor's number...I can't "save" her, though. Someone is giving her klonipin because she told me so - and I bet you that either A) she comes to work all drugged up tomorrow, or B) she doesn't come to work at all and calls in sick. I just don't know what to do. I guess it's not my problem and I should stay out of it, for my own good and job stability? I know what part of the problem is. Her personal life. She's going through a lot right now, but she's GOT to concentrate on work 100% of her time while she's in the office right now. I just don't think it's possible with her. She's not capable at this point in her life. Her mind and heart isn't there. I only feel bad for her because she is moving out into her own apartment on Jan 15th, and what if she gets fired and can't pay her rent?

This is actually teaching me a great lesson. Stay on medication, or this could be me. I might not be able to hold down a job. I'd get into big fights with my boss (bad idea, but she doesn't get it; however, he IS pretty rude to her and I think she's had it with him). Not be able to keep a relationship together. Pretty much...have no stability in my life whatsoever.

But I can NOT tell her I'm bipolar and give her advice - that's the part that sucks. If I could just tell her, that would make a world of difference. I can't "out" myself, though, when I know she'll tell her friend at work, and word will get back to my boss, discrimination will begin, etc.

LinkedIn has been a source of job offers for me. Well, not "offers" persay, but requests for interviews. Right now, a company wants to interview me for an Account Manager's position.

What should I do? Should I do that? I'm about to start making money at the company I'm with (hopefully) since my draw is about paid up, and I'd have to start all over at a new company. However, as an Account Manager, I wouldn't have to "split" the commission with anyone if I placed the person in a position myself. I'd have to get the jobs myself, of course...I just don't know what to do. The Corporate Recruiter wants me to speak with the Director on Thursday. I guess a conversation wouldn't hurt? The thing that SUCKS is that after 4 months, you're straight commission. They would HAVE to have accounts for me already, or they could just forget it.

I don't know...I might hate doing client visits, taking them to lunch, going to visit my contractors, drumming up new business, when all I do now is find people to fill jobs. They would train me for about a month, but....? Again, what would it hurt to have a conversation. I might not be what they're looking for at all.

More on Bipolar Girl tomorrow, maybe....

And Abilify. Geez, it's bedtime, and I'm NOT EVEN TIRED!

Okay, now I'm up, it's morning, and it's before 5:00am!!! AND I took an extra 1/2 Seroquel! And my stomach hurts for some strange reason...

Oops I Did It Again

It's "that time of the month" for me, and I was CRAVING - I mean CRAVING taking a bunch of Seroquel Friday night and just sleeping all day Saturday, too. I didn't do it. Same thing when I got up Saturday, but I finally took a little bit extra around 7:30 and went to bed because I had cramps.

When I got up this morning, I just didn't want to face the day, I guess. I really don't know what was wrong. After taking my Adderall (like a dork), I decided to just take a bunch of Seroquel and sleep for the day. I took 400mg (I normally take 50mg), but I didn't fall asleep. My body and eyes felt tired, but *I* wasn't tired. Does that make any sense? I laid in bed for a few hours, and we were supposed to go to Mark's twin niece's baptisms today, but I haven't even showered since Friday, and I took this medicine!

So, about an hour and a half ago, I gave in and took 4 MORE! Yes, I do want to blissfully go to sleep, but I can't make myself for some strage reason. It feels like...if I make myself go to bed, I won't be able to sleep.

I think I have this figured out now, thanks to my doc. Abilify gives me an overwhelming feeling of boredom mixed with anxiety, which is why I JUST started taking less. He thinks it's the reason I'll be sitting at work looking at my computer screen, and just can't focus, even though I take Adderall. He also thinks this "restlessness" overwhelms me to where I can't stand feeling it anymore, which is why it's cut down to 1/3 of what I was taking.

But this "restlessness" feeling. I think that's why I took Seroquel AGAIN this weekend. I was actually staring at the wall at one point for quite awhile because...nothing grabbed my attention. Not my laptop, the television, music, phone, anything in the house, NOTHING. Yet...I felt so anxious about it, too. Mark kept asking me what was wrong - why did I keep staring at the wall and not watch television? I didn't know how to answer that, so I simply said "Do you not have anything better to do than to watch my every move and criticize it?" Totally outlandish response - he wasn't being mean at all, he was just asking. He said he thought he could change the channel or something.

I don't know...I MAY have to just give up on Abilify.

Mark's home - ttys.

Q&A - Search Words

I pay *absolutely no attention* to visits to my website as I know many do. I have read where people track IP addresses, etc., and I don't even know how to do that, but there is ONE thing that is very important to me.

Search Words.

I check them once or twice a week to make sure no one found my site that actually KNOWS me and was LOOKING for me.

But as I'm doing that, I always think "what the hell?"

Do you ever just want to ANSWER the questions that people are asking that brought them to your site to begin with?

The BIGGEST, by far, question I get is if bipolars cheat. You know what? SOME do. So do SOME non-bipolars. Just because you're not bipolar doesn't mean you're not fucked up "at the moment". (sorry about the language)

Okay, where to start...

1. test to take to see if im bipolar

Yes, there's a fun one with a %. Go to

2. lyrics I can't forgive myself that I let go end of every day

You found my site by those search words? I know I quote songs a lot, but hell! I don't even know what or who that IS! I wish people would come back and answer their own searches.

3. suicide by benedryl

WHAT THE HELL? Someone is on my site trying to figure out how to kill themselves with BENADRYL??? I wonder if I had words of wisdom? To searcher: I would not advise this. Having friends and loved ones explain over the years that you lost your life to Benadryl would NOT BE COOL. Try baby aspirin at least?

4. mood suing in which one minute patient would be happy and the other minute she would be depressed

"suing" you think the searcher meant "swing"? And man, does EVERYONE type searches that long? My searches are at the MOST 4 or 5 words. By using the word "patient", let's hope this wasn't a doctor...

5. i keep being sick what could be wrong with me?

Again, another long search. Yes, I can see why this would lead to my site. I'm probably a hypochondriac. There. I admitted it for all to see who don't know me. ;) I guess you could have AIDS?

6. is abilify good for the nerves my last few posts of self medicating with Seroquel. The answer would be....NO!!!

7. Christians beating bipolar

Okay, I'm not even going to go there. Alright, yes I will because I can't stand it. I don't think because I'm not CLOSE ENOUGH TO GOD that I have this illness and God hasn't cured me of it yet. I don't believe that if I just believed in Him THAT MUCH MORE that He would take it away from me. Yes, my faith makes the darkest moments bearable, but it's not going to cure a chemical imbalance. Why don't people ever stop to think...God created the knowledge our physicians learn to treat us, correct?

8. my boss doesnt like me

HAHA! Join the club. So listen...what do YOU do about it? Oh yeah, that's why you came here. Sorry I couldn't help much....

9. i become very quiet and dont talk i am bipolar

Hmmm...let me ponder that one. You're not manic, persay. You sound very shy and unsure of yourself. I get quiet and shy when I'm self conscious too, but....I don't think it's because we're bipolar. At least you have the guts to admit you're bipolar though - good for you! :-)

10. can you ever trust someone with bipolar

Okay, I'm not here to educate those who are ignorant about my disease and are obviously trying to learn as much as they can by searching the internet. I appreciate their efforts, but seriously? "Can You EVER?" F You. No, you can't. Never believe a word a bipolar says. Always believe the opposite. If I say "close the door", I really mean "open it", so that's what you should always do. If I say I'm going to the grocery store, you can bet I'm not. I will ALWAYS be on a liaison with my French lover at the dry cleaning store behind the trash bin. That's what "us bipolars" do, don't you know?

11. bipolar friend is always mad at me

Well sure she is. So what did you do? :-)

That's the interesting ones from today and yesterday. Throw in more "bipolar lies", "when should I leave my bipolar wife", etc., and you get the idea, if you don't already know from your own blog.

I wish more people who have blogs would post their search's very interesting....

Whelp, it's hour past my bedtime!

Question and Answer session went waaaaay too long! Nighty night!

And Happy Friday!

Abilify Answer

I went to my psychiatrist today, and he has a new idea about the issues I'm having with Abilify. First, I told him I did NOT want to stop taking it. I said I never knew how depressed I was before, and that I had stopped taking it for a week, and at the end of the week, I got really depressed.

I told him I self medicated with Seroquel last weekend, and he didn't say anything - I just told him there wasn't anything else I could do. I said I tried Geoden, it didn't work, so I tried Seroquel. He's always wanted me to take more Seroquel anyway, and that's always been something he's suggested when I have overwhelming anxiety attacks. Seroquel - during the day, even! We didn't discuss how much I took, but I really didn't take THAT much. I think I took 400mg at most, right? Just enough to deaden the feeling and fall asleep from 4p - 8a.

For both my inability to focus and concentrate at work, as well as the "restlessness" I felt over the weekend, he suggested I may be taking TOO MUCH Abilify. He thinks I might be getting that same "restless" feeling at work which causes problems, and taking it down a knotch may relieve the anxious, bored feeling I get, too. So...instead of 15mg, I'm now supposed to take 5mg for 3 days, and then 2 seperate 5 mg pills at different times during the day afterwards, but not one at night because he thinks the "restless" feeling might keep me awake. I guess one when I wake up, and one when I take my energy pills to workout at the gym?

Does anyone else ever wonder what these drugs are doing to us long term? 15 years, will I look 70? Leave it to me to think of appearances first, but seriously? In 10 years, will people be able to look at me and think "she looks like a psychiatric patient" because the chemicals in my brain have been so garbled that you can see it in my eyes and face? Will it do anything to my bodily functions? Will it eat away at my bones? Will I lose my hearing, my sight, my ability to talk? My teeth? Will I become senile? Will I forget how to count? Will I become a Republican? ;) Seriously, though?

I'm all done feeling sorry for Bipolar Girl. She's the only one that can help herself. I hope I'm not looking into a mirror, because some days, I'm really scared that I am. She's the only Bipolar person I know really well, and I don't like what I see. Yes, she told me she's not on any medication, and I gave her my dr's #, so what she chooses to do with that is up to her. I'm not going to badger her and say "did you call? did you call? did you call?" That's implying that I think she needs to call, and I think that's rude.

Maybe everything will just take a step down, it will be as if I've taken a chill pill, and all will be well tomorrow. :-) Not that today wasn't, but I need to learn how not to let people get on my nerves so much. I'm usually a very tolerant person, but I guess I'm not if you're in my "personal space".

For some reason, I almost feel like crying.


I researched the definition of "restless", and yes, that's what I felt last weekend. "Unable to sit still, worried, uneasy, etc.". That's it EXACTLY. Dreamwriter, Chalexa and Lee made me curious as to the definition, and Dreamwriter explained it perfectly.

So now...what to do about it? It's gone for now. I went to work, kept really busy all day, worked out at the gym pretty hard, stayed at work until 7:00p, and am now eating my Lean Cuisine dinner. I feel fine, albeit a bit more energy than I'm used to having, and less of an appetite. I attribute my appetite to having part of a granola bar around 3:30p, which I will now work into my regime. That's all it takes to keep from starving to death? I just put 4 protein bars in my purse for the next couple of weeks.

My doctor warned me, when he first prescribed Abilify, that it might make me feel "restless", and if it did, he could prescribe something, like Ativan. I have no idea what Ativan even does or what it is for - a quick lookup showed me it was a benzo. I was surprised - I thought he told me once that he would only prescribe one benzo at a time, and I'm already taking klonipin, but I might as well not be. It doesn't work at all except to help shut my mind off to sleep, and maybe Ativan can do that instead. I have an appointment on Weds, I just have to gather the courage to tell my boss I need to leave for the day.

Today was a good day - squabbled a bit with my boss as usual, but nothing I'm not accustomed to already. Bipolar Girl seems okay - she actually said she was much better now that the holidays are behind us. Older Woman and I are worried about her, though. Her job performance has a lot to be desired. He bipolar traits that are out of control REALLY affects her on a daily basis. OW has been coaching her, and she's been LETTING her, and of course my boss can hear it, and what she's recruiting for, he's just not going to put up with her recruiting for that everyday, AND have OW telling her how to search the database for it. I can't believe she called over the dB Admin and asked about how to perform a certain search. It's like she's losing confidence in her abilities or something. She got one deal - she should have been proud about it, and I feel bad that I took away her glory when I had such an awesome December. Maybe it IS all a coincidence - the holidays, her depression, her drinking (I'm assuming from her comments), her moving out from her b/f's apt on the 15th...and what if she lost her job after that? Yeah, that's all good reasons for someone who is emotionally unstable to lose their confidence alright...just the moving out part on my own would have me reeling because of the change to living by myself.

I just hope she doesn't lose her job over it; however, I have my own mental stability to cope and worry about!

There's a lady at the gym who I've never mentioned. She has this awesome body and dresses in teeny tiny outfits, but that's not the point. She has a house cleaning business, and gave me her card and I said I'd try out her company. Well, I never called and scheduled an appt, she mentioned it once, then it got uncomfortable, and I see her EVERY DAY. We both work out at the same time each day, if you can believe that. Finally one day she came to me and said "I don't want things to be uncomfortable between us....". I didn't know what to say except to say I'd use her service, but of course, I never called. I started to once, but then I thought...."she'll know I take psychiatric medication, and I have to see her at the gym everyday". Sure, I keep the bottles put away, but I always forget to throw the empty ones in the trash, and they sit on the counter forever, turned upside down for some stupid reason. Yes, I KNOW they're just feet away from the trashcan, but that's just my personality. Yeah, I'm working on it.

Anyways, I HATE seeing her and feeling uncomfortable. Just like I hate undressing around this one girl at the gym for some reason. I have no idea why - she's not even bigger than I am. I think it's because she was standing there the first day when I got undressed, and she knows how self conscious I am, even though I'm not that self conscious anymore, but she doesn't know that. I've been going there for months, see her almost every day, and the most we've ever said to each other was once "excuse me", "oh, sorry" when she needed cotton balls next to me.

The gym is a source of embarrassment and stress for me, I have no idea why. I never feel like I fit in. The people in my office always tell me I'm so "tiny"...why don't I feel that way? Why do I feel like such a.....well, like I'm SOOO overweight?

I keep thinking..."10 more pounds"..."down 2 more sizes"..."lose this pudge around my stomach"...there's always more to go. When will it end? I guess I'll have to wait until all of these things happen to see.

Something Wrong...

There's something really wrong with me. All I want to do - what I CRAVE - is to take medication to put me to sleep to pass the time. I don't want to think, to feel, I don't know why it's so overwhelming that I just want to sleep the time away. I've done it once this weekend, but it wasn't so bad. Mark accused me of doing it because I went to bed around 4:00p and woke up the next morning, but I just told him I was tired. Last night I took 3 Geoden, but it didn't make me tired enough to go to bed and sleep like Seroquel does. Finally it was time for bed, and I took 2 Seroquel instead of 1/2 of one and woke up around noon.

On one hand, I feel bored to the bone, and I can't stand letting time pass without anything to do, and not wanting to do anything. On another, I feel anxious and just want to sleep it away. It's one or the other at different times. Mark pointed out that my psychiatrist told me that I might feel "restless" on Abilify - and asked if I could feel so bored because of that. Yeah, the word restless *might* explain it, I don't know. What does *restless* really mean? I think of someone who can't keep still, who keeps wanting to do this, can't finish it and starts that instead. I just don't want to start anything and feel anxious, or just bored, so much so, I want to medicate myself into sleeping, blissfully.

Why am I the only one who deals with things by medicating themselves so they sleep for hours? Is that similar to an alcoholic?

On another note, my boss has called my cellphone twice over the holiday. I don't know why he can't give me a few days off without worrying about work. I haven't answered the phone, and only listened to one of the two messages. It doesn't make me feel any better.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday, but I'm afraid to tell him I medicate myself and sleep. I've told him before...but I told him I only did it once, because at that time, it was true. I can't count altogether how many times I've done it. I hadn't done it in MONTHS, so I don't know what has switched in my brain.

Maybe whatever it is, it will switch back. For the biggest reason - so I stop eating the whole house after taking Seroquel.

Okay, my New Year's resolutions, which of course won't come true, but you have to make some, right?

By the end of the year, I'd like to weigh 115 (really, by August). So...that would be to lose about 12 pounds.

To continue working out at LEAST 3 times a week for 25+ minutes. Hopefully I can do 4-5 times a week for 30 minutes a day most weeks, but I want to keep this list doable.

Work on my psychiatric health - continue to get better and improve as I've been doing. Take my medications, go to doctor's appointments and be honest to my doctor.

Those are doable, and things I'm already working on today. The first one is my big one.

It will be interesting to go to the gym tomorrow - I bet it will be packed. I need to get there as early as possible to get a machine.
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