I don't get a week to lay around and cry when I'm depressed. Not that THAT is a benefit! I'm not saying that - I would rather not want to lay around and cry AT ALL, are you kidding me?
I worry...with my life so tightly squeezed together, when do I have time to be bipolar? I know that sounds so crazy, as if I'm trying to schedule it or take days off in advance. I "crash" and end up calling in one or two days in a row to work sick because of my illness, I know that. I just shrug my shoulders, know this is something about me for some weird reason, and know that after a few days, I'll be okay.
Today, because of something I didn't quite think through, I got really anxious at work. I did the right thing, popped a few pills and knew they would work eventually, but what I REALLY wanted was just to go home. I didn't want to "pretend" or "go through the motions" that I was okay when I wasn't.
Right now, Mark needs me. He has been losing weight so quickly because he is starting Cymbalta and it makes him nauseous, he's conflicted about which job to take, and of course, my whole correspondence with my ex-b that he never mentions anymore. How can he just do that? Not bring it up anymore? I wonder what it's like to be a guy - to not hold a grudge for a year, bringing it up every week.
So I call and check on him a few times a day, get home and grab him, knowing he hasn't eaten and make him go get something to eat, which means MY Weight Watcher points are out of whack, but...it's all for a good cause, right?
Maybe...I just like to feel like I'm being taken care of all the time. Mark tries his best - he takes care of everything. I just feel like...if I have an episode of ANYTHING relating to bipolar, there's no time, it's not proper, and not allowed.
One day, and I'm not stupid, my disease will not always be in "remission" as far as it has been for some time now. No, I'm far from perfect and the picture of mental health. But I'm able to work a full time job, manage to meet whatever needs Mark has to keep our relationship together (which aren't many), do the laundry, stuff like that.
What about if/when I have to go to the hospital? Should I plan for all of this now, as if I were going to have a baby - like, who should be called, what should be said, etc.? We have no plans...I'm assuming because who knows how it could all go down. Plus...shouldn't you focus on the positive?
Or maybe...this is a bipolar symptom on its' own. Anxiety. I'm "what if'fing myself to death".
I just wish I felt a little more....free? But if I did have more time and didn't work so much, would I be happier? I don't know...I don't think so...
I just don't know when I have time to "be me", which..."me" has a lot of bipolar symptoms sometimes, and I have to "pretend" through them.
Or maybe everyone, bipolar or not, feels that way? And I just feel a sense of entitlement because I happen to be bipolar?
Go ahead, call me crazy because...supposedly I really am. Not that I can tell anyone except my blog. :-)