Saturday, March 31, 2007

Different

I don't understand. For the past 2 weeks or so, I've been incredibly hungry. I've eaten candy during the day, fast food for dinner, and then a snack after that, all kinds of stuff. Already today I've had a hamburger, fries, and I'm now eating a Blizzard.

Yesterday after work, I came home, went to bed and fell asleep until Mark got home. Neither of these things are LIKE me AT ALL. Right now I feel tired even though I drank coffee, had my Adderall and Phentermine. I'm thinking of finishing this Blizzard and going to bed. Again, so NOT LIKE ME.

Yet, the other thing that's drastically changed is my nighttime sleeping pattern. I can't fall asleep. It will be almost 1:00a, and I will still be wide awake, and have to go take more klonipin, and then it's all I can do to wake up when my alarm goes off in the morning. Don't get me wrong - I still go to bed at the same time, but I'm not as sleepy. My nighttime meds just aren't "kicking in" and making me sleepy. I take that back. I'm TIRED, but perhaps my mind isn't shutting off? It doesn't seem like that's what it is, though.

Friday, I got frustrated and went to my boss about work related issues. They had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with other coworkers, one in particular. He was shocked at what one member did. He KNOWS I hate confrontation, and said he knew I hated it, but he was going to confront him anyway because it was wrong. It was time to go home, so I just picked up my purse, and went home. No telling what the guy said to him about me, or that whole team. Probably horrible things, and I wasn't there to defend myself. Why couldn't I just let it be water under the bridge? In this particular case, I SHOULD have stood up to this person when it happened, and my boss said so, too. But I didn't even *think* about what I was doing when I went to my boss and complained. I didn't weigh the pros and cons. I just got up and did it. Where was my inner voice?

Are these bipolar symptoms? Am I friggin' pregnant, as Mark comments (not because I'm fat, but because I threw up that morning for NO REASON)? I don't think the latter is true, but heck, now I'm wondering what is wrong with me.

Maybe nothing. But...I've really changed my habits. And..not for the better.
Thursday, March 29, 2007

1985

I'll never tell Mark, but I can SO relate to "1985" by Bowling for Soup. Yes, I keep up to date with music well enough, but it reminds me of ME. Try telling that to a 30-year-old.

I really thought I'd "get a hand on a member of Duran Duran". Seriously! And whatever DID happen to music being on MTV? I used to spend hour after hour, fascinated, just watching videos. I DO know almost every line to "Pretty In Pink" and "Breakfast Club", but they forgot "Sixteen Candles". I know and love THAT one the best! :-)

Here's 1985, if you haven't heard it...one of my favorite songs... (yes, STILL!). :-)




Debbie just hit the wall - she never had it all
one Prozac a day - husbands a CPA
her dreams went out the door - when she turned 24.
only been with one man - what happen to her plan?

She was gonna be an actress - she was gonna be a star!
She was gonna shake her ASS on the hood of White Snake’s car!

Her yellow SUV is now the enemy...

Looks at her average life
And nothing has been alright

Since Bruce Springstein, Madonna
way before Nirvana
there was U2 and Blondie
and music still on MTV

Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she’s uncool
Cuz she's still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985

She’s seen all the classics
she knows every line
Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink
even St. Elmo’s Fire

She rocked out to Wham!, not a big Limp Biscuit fan
thought she’d get a hand on a member of Duran Duran

Where’s the mini-skirt made of snake skin?
and who’s the other guy singing in Van Halen?
when did reality become T.V.?
what ever happen to sitcoms, game shows

(on the radio was)

Bruce Springstein, Madonna
way before Nirvana
there was U2 and Blondie
and music still on MTV

Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she’s uncool
Cuz she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985

She hates time make it stop
when did Motley Crew become classic rock?
And when did Ozzy become an actor?
Please make this stop
Stop!
And bring back

Bruce Springstein, Madonna
way before Nirvana
there was U2 and Blondie
and music still on MTV
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
cuz she's still preoccupied
with 1985

For the record, I LOVE Nirvana, reality tv, and hate Blondie. :-)
Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Always About Work



I work in such a non-PC office that the OWNER of the company sent out a mass email to our office saying he was having a Bible study during lunch, and we were all invited. Thank God I'm a Christian, right? I'm assuming everyone else is, too. I keep trying to think back if that was actually a question he asked me during our interview...because that would be SO like him.

At the same time, my boss is the "king" of guilt and persuasion. I just hate when he tries to persuade and sell to ME. And I hate more than anything that I can be "guilted" to do just about anything.

There's a guy in my office that will be starting a new job on the 16th, and until then, he's coming in to work so he can get paid. He's not making it a secret - as a matter of fact, I'm surprised my boss hasn't confronted him about it.

I was all by myself in our "room" with my boss at about 6:30p tonight, and my boss started talking about when another coworker quit recently, and he found out that many people already knew about it before he did, and how hurt he was that no one came to him. I honestly didn't know she was quitting until she was actually DOING it - we weren't close, and I convinced him of that. I then asked him..."but what would you have DONE?" He didn't have an answer. I wouldn't have told him had I known, but that's beside the point. But...why was he suddenly telling me all of this? Does he suspect that this guy is leaving, know that I know, and wants me to tell him? It's so bizarre. He told me that people should think of the COMPANY first, and not the individual leaving. Is he kidding? I'm not going to break being someone's confidant.

He's not the only one quitting. The guy who is leaving told me today that another person in my office accepted another position today and will be quitting. To be honest, I wish they'd just go. Of course they have bad attitudes now, and it rubs off very easily.

My boss went ON AND ON about what a great job I was doing, how focused I always am (once again, it's called ADDERALL) find great matches for positions, etc. etc., and by that time, Bipolar Girl had walked into our "room", and I just wished he would shut up. I then thanked GOD for Bipolar Girl. She talks incessantly to him, and all I had to do was sit there quietly while he talked about the "company" and people quitting, us coming to him and telling him what we knew, etc. She said all of the appropriate things for both of us. Having a Bipolar (not me, THIS time) in the office who talks all of the time and thinks quickly on her feet CAN be terrific asset! :-) I wanted to hug her!

I was gone from my desk for over an HOUR and my boss didn't even notice; or if he did, he didn't say anything. I was talking to 2 Recruiters. One was my "Recruiter's" Recruiter who submitted my resume to a company, and another was this long drawn out conversation with a company that, in the end, I decided I didn't want the job. I could tell he really wanted me for the this position at a LARGE (huge!) financial corporation, but it started out as a contract, and there were other drawbacks for me.

The thing is...I counsel people every day on HOW to get a job during a phone interview. HOW to turn it into a face-to-face. I have no clue how to politely turn down a position. So...I tried my best. Obviously, for mental health reasons, I have to have health insurance, right? So I told him as a contractor, I wouldn't have benefits, and I didn't know how long my COBRA would last. He had an answer for that. He said instead of going straight through their company, I could go through an agency, and they could provide benefits. I was thinking...."crap, now what?". I was out of suggestions, except what I know I'm *supposed* to say. He could sense my hesitation, and said "do you want to think about it, or would you like to set a time to talk more on the phone, or come in and meet us?" I only KNOW how to do the right thing. I said "yes, I'd love to come in and see the environment. I'm very interested in the position." I'm an idiot. I always get myself into these situations. THIS is the reason I'm told during interviews that they are afraid I'm too "nice" for Recruiting.

So I have an interview on Monday at 10:00a. I got to choose the day and the time - whenever I wanted. Now....I'm not really going. He's sent me a few emails today, and I'm going to politely turn it down through email tomorrow night. It just really sucks. We really had that *chemistry* that gets you that perfect job, you know? They say that about 60% of your chances of landing a job depends on developing chemistry, and we had that. I don't know....should I just go? The thing is, I HAVE a job. I don't think it would be wise to just take the first thing that comes along. Shouldn't I do some "shopping" first? And I'm not wild about the contractor part, obviously. And I don't want to lose my IT skills - especially in my current specialty. Recruiting financial professionals doesn't sound particularly exciting.

And the "word on the street" is that to work there, they do a credit check that you have to pass. Well...if they're looking for foreclosures or repossessions, they won't find any. If they're looking for charge-offs? Oh yeah, they've hit the jack-pot.

Yes, I'll just politely turn it down tomorrow. And when my Recruiter calls about an interview with this other Recruiting company? I don't know what to do about that either. Money talks, I guess. Isn't that why I'm so unhappy now?

I'm off to bed, very confused about what to do about work. I guess I won't make a move until something comes along that I just can't refuse?
Monday, March 26, 2007

Wikipedia and John Mayer - DANG IT!

Does anyone know how to edit Wikipedia? If so, please remove the link that says I'm the source that John Mayer is bipolar. I get scores of hits every day from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_believed_to_have_been_affected_by_bipolar_disorder
Again, paranoid, delusional (like last post), but who the HELL did that? And...I'm going to be in the 4th row center seats when he comes to my city in June! YaHoo! Now if he would just play "Comfortable", everything would be good in the world....

If you ARE here from Wikipedia because you love John Mayer (rolling eyes - as if ANYONE would love that no-talent hack HAHA), here's my favorite song from Continuum. It makes me FEEL like I have a broken heart, when I don't. Or at least, it makes me REMEMBER:



When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Out to Get Me

Someone at work is out to get me.

Yes, I know that sounds paranoid and delusional, but it's true.

This is going to be really boring, but stick with me here. A guy came to my desk, and told me my boss sent him an email, forwarded with a resume from a jobboard, saying "get this guy before she does". I looked the person up in our database, and sure enough, the job-seeker had sent ME his resume on the 19th, and I was going to submit him for a job. The co-worker even SHOWED me the email my boss sent him, but he didn't forward it to me, which I thought was weird, but I might have done the same, who knows. He needed a current copy of the guy's resume, which of course, I had, and he didn't. He told me he would split the deal with me if the guy got the job, so I printed out a current copy of it (but didn't send him the file).

I was PISSED OFF AT MY BOSS. I mean, people have quit jobs over smaller things than that. I forwarded my email from the candidate I got on the 19th with the resume to him, telling him that *I* had been working with him, and I was upset and disappointed that he would tell someone else to "get him before I did".

My boss was like WTF? He kept talking to me on the phone about it, and I was like "ok, whatever", and would just hang up on him. Finally, my boss had had enough, marched to my co-workers desk who had already left for the day, OPENED UP HIS EMAIL, and looked for the email I was talking about. He found it - and I triumphantly proved to him his misdeed. He couldn't figure it out for a bit, and then he had an "a-ha!" moment. It was sent from his external email address, not internal. When we're on jobboards and we "route" a resume to our mailboxes, it always says it's coming from my boss's external email address, even though it's not coming from him at all. He was very sincere, said he'd NEVER do anything like that, and I know him well enough to know he was being honest. The only thing is....you can't tell WHO wrote that note.

So who the HELL is after me? Who the HELL is that competitive towards me? Whoever it is never thought I had the balls to go to my boss and tell him off about it, that's for sure, but they underestimated the relationship I have with him. When your boss calls you every night at home, you really have no qualms to tell him off when you're pissed and give him the opportunity to explain himself, you know?

My boss said if this person presents his resume, he'll tell him he has to split the deal with me, but I have a feeling...my boss is now weighing this heavily on his mind about WHO did this, now that he convinced me it wasn't him. He HATES thinking people are unhappy in the office, and he definitely knows I was today. I would go so far as to say that he may fire the person when he finds out who did it. Seriously. They jeopardized his integrity, which he SAYS means the world to him. *cough cough*.

On the job front, I have 4 Recruiters I'm working with for possible jobs. I'm not to the interviewing stage yet - I just don't have time for that right now. It's all phone conversations.

I'm really serious about finding another job, especially after what happened today.

It's nice not to post your resume, and be contacted about jobs at the same time. Thank God for LinkedIn!

Okay, boring post, but I DEFINITELY had to record the day's events. We have a meeting at 8:00a tomorrow morning for the entire office, and I'm going to be looking around wondering "who the hell is out to get me?".

I wonder if my boss will say anything to everyone about what happened....?
Sunday, March 25, 2007

4-yr Old Bipolar Girl Dies

At what age do you think someone can be diagnosed as being bipolar? To me, someone has to be old enough to at LEAST have a formed personality? Here's a story (I'd LOVE for someone to share a POSITIVE bipolar story from AP, USA Today, you get the drift, about being bipolar), from USA Today. Thinking back, I *know* I had bipolar symptoms as early as the 4th Grade, but diagnosing a child at age TWO????

Am I wrong in thinking a child that young shouldn't be treated with strong medications, or perhaps even diagnosed firmly with a personality disorder just yet? I mean really...barely TWO?

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-03-23-drugged-to-death_N.htm?csp=34

By Denise Lavoie, Associated Press (of course AP, the ultimate in bias for negative BP stories....)

HULL, Mass. — In the final months of Rebecca Riley's life, a school nurse said the little girl was so weak she was like a "floppy doll." The preschool principal had to help Rebecca off the bus because the 4-year-old was shaking so badly.

And a pharmacist complained that Rebecca's mother kept coming up with excuses for why her daughter needed more and more medication. None of their concerns was enough to save Rebecca.

Rebecca — who had been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity and bipolar disorder, or what used to be called manic depression — died Dec. 13 of an overdose of prescribed drugs, and her parents have been arrested on murder charges, accused of intentionally overmedicating their daughter to keep her quiet and out of their hair.

Interviews and a review of court documents by the Associated Press make it clear that many of those who were supposed to protect Rebecca — teachers, social workers, other professionals — suspected something was wrong, but never went quite far enough.

But the tragic case is more than a story about one child. It raises troubling, larger questions about the state of child psychiatry, namely: Can children as young as Rebecca be accurately diagnosed with mental illnesses? Are rambunctious youngsters being medicated for their parents' convenience? And should children so young be prescribed powerful psychotropic drugs meant for adults?

Dispensing drugs to children diagnosed with mood or behavior problems is "the easiest thing to do, but it's not always the best thing to do," said Jon McClellan, medical director of the Child Study and Treatment Center in Lakewood, Wash. "At some level, I would hope that you'd also be teaching kids ways to control their behavior."

According to the medical examiner, Rebecca died of a combination of Clonidine, a blood pressure medication Rebecca had been prescribed for ADHD; Depakote, an anti-seizure and mood-stabilizing drug prescribed for the little girl's bipolar disorder; a cough suppressant; and an antihistamine. The amount of Clonidine alone in Rebecca's system was enough to be fatal, the medical examiner said.

The two brand-name prescription drugs are approved by the Food and Drug Administration for use in adults only, though doctors can legally prescribe them to youngsters and do so frequently.

Rebecca's parents, Michael and Carolyn Riley, say they were only following doctor's orders.

Rebecca, they told police, had been diagnosed when she was just 2 1/2, and Rebecca's psychiatrist prescribed the same potent drugs that had been prescribed for her older brother and sister when she diagnosed them with the same illnesses several years earlier.

But Rebecca's teachers, the school nurse and her therapist all told police they never saw behavior in Rebecca that fit her diagnoses, such as aggression, sharp mood swings or hyperactivity.

Prosecutors say the Rileys intentionally tried to quiet their daughter with high doses of Clonidine. Relatives told police the Rileys called Clonidine the "happy medicine" and the "sleep medicine."

Through their attorneys, Michael Riley, 34, and Carolyn Riley, 32, have accused Rebecca's psychiatrist, Kayoko Kifuji, of over-prescribing medication.
Kifuji did not return calls for comment and declined to be interviewed. But Kifuji has vehemently denied any role in Rebecca's death. She has agreed to a suspension of her license while the state's medical board investigates.

Kifuji told police Rebecca had been her patient since August 2004, when she was 2. She said she based her diagnoses of ADHD and bipolar disorder on the family's mental health history, as described by Carolyn Riley, and Rebecca's behavior, as described by Carolyn and briefly observed by her during office visits.

Kifuji told police she became alarmed in October 2005 when Carolyn Riley told her she had increased Rebecca's nighttime dose of Clonidine from 2 to 2 1/2 tablets, and warned Carolyn the increased dose could kill Rebecca.

But Carolyn told investigators Kifuji told her she could give Rebecca and her sister extra Clonidine at night to help them sleep.

Tufts-New England Medical Center, where Kifuji worked, issued a statement supporting Kifuji, saying her care of Rebecca "was appropriate and within responsible professional standards."

In the months leading up to Rebecca's death, others noticed there was something wrong.
Teachers and staff members at the Johnson Early Childhood Center in Weymouth, about 20 miles south of Boston, say they called Rebecca's mother repeatedly to tell her that Rebecca was "out of it," but her mother said the girl was tired because she wasn't sleeping well.

A neighbor who lived next door to the family in the last month of Rebecca's life said Rebecca and her siblings seemed listless.
"They looked like little robots. They looked very lethargic," Phyllis Lipton said. "I said, 'Wow, they don't look right,' but who knew?"

Pharmacists at Walgreens in Weymouth called Kifuji twice to complain that Carolyn Riley was asking for more Clonidine, even though her prescription was not due to be refilled yet, according to state police.

Once, Riley said she had lost a bottle of pills, and another time, she said water had gotten into her prescription bottle and ruined the pills, according to police.
Kifuji authorized refills, but after the second incident, she began prescribing Clonidine in 10-day refills instead of 30-day supplies, investigators said.

On Aug. 16, a prescription for 35 Clonidine tablets — a 10-day supply — was filled at Walgreens, even though the Rileys had obtained a 10-day refill only the day before, investigators said.
Walgreens spokeswoman Tiffani Bruce said: "The scrip was filled as written, as it was prescribed by the doctor, and all the appropriate information on the medications was given to the family."

After Rebecca's death, police found only seven Clonidine tablets in the family's medicine tray; the pharmacist said there should have been 75. All together, prosecutors say, Carolyn Riley got 200 more pills in one year than she should have.

The Rileys' lawyers call them unsophisticated people who did not question their children's doctors.
Both were unemployed; they collected welfare and disabilty benefits and lived in subsidized housing.

Michael Riley, who is also awaiting trial on charges of molesting a stepdaughter in 2005, claimed to suffer from bipolar disorder and a rage disorder; his wife told police she suffered from depression and anxiety.

"They are not the sort of people who go on the Internet and look on WebMD. These are the sort of people who, when they go to a doctor, the doctor is God and they do what the doctor says," said John Darrell, Michael's lawyer.

Carolyn's lawyer, Michael Bourbeau, said that because the Rileys' three children were all taking Clonidine, Rebecca's prescription may have come up short at times when her siblings were given some of her pills. And some of the pills may have been lost when they were split in half, he said.

In July, after a therapist filed a complaint with the state Department of Social Services, social workers met with the family's doctors and other medical professionals and were assured that the medications Rebecca was taking were within medical guidelines.

"There were lots of medical eyes on this case and none of them seemed to say there was an issue of over-medication in this case," said Social Services Commissioner Harry Spence, who has come under fire for the agency's handling of the case.

Still, there were lingering concerns. When social workers tried to make a home visit in November, Carolyn "resisted and evaded," Spence said. Weeks later, workers resolved to make a surprise check, but Rebecca died the very next day, before they could visit.

Rebecca was found dead on the floor of her parents' bedroom wearing only a pink pull-up diaper and gold-stud earrings, on top of a pile of clothes, magazines and a stuffed brown bear.

Rebecca's uncle, James McGonnell, and his girlfriend, Kelly Williams, who lived with the Rileys, told police that the Rileys would put their kids to bed as early as 5 p.m. Rebecca, they said, often slept through the day and got up only to eat.

When Michael Riley decided the kids were "acting up," he told Carolyn to give them pills, McGonnell and Williams told police.

According to McGonnell and Williams, Rebecca spent the last days of her life wandering around the house, sick and disoriented. But the Rileys told police they were not alarmed. "It was just a cold," Carolyn repeatedly said during police interviews.

The medical examiner said Rebecca died a slow and painful death. She said the overdose of Clonidine caused her organs to shut down, filling her lungs with fluid and causing congestive heart failure.

Williams told police that the night before she died, Rebecca was pale and seemed "out of it." At one point, the little girl knocked weakly on her parents' bedroom door and softly called for her mommy, but Michael Riley opened the door a crack and yelled at her to go back to her room, Williams said.

Later that night, McGonnell told police, he heard someone struggling to breathe and found Rebecca gurgling as if something was stuck in her throat. McGonnell told police he wiped vomit from his niece's face, then kicked in the door to her parents' room and yelled at the Rileys to take Rebecca to the emergency room.

Instead, Carolyn Riley said, she gave her daughter a half-tablet of Clonidine.

Carolyn's mother, Valerie Berio, said that when she visited the kids the night of Dec. 11, Rebecca seemed congested but not seriously ill. In a photograph Berio said she took that night, Rebecca is smiling slightly as her mother holds a new green velvet dress in front of her.
Berio said that shows that her daughter and son-in-law could not have known how sick Rebecca was.

Rebecca's death has inflamed a long-running debate in psychiatry. Some psychiatrists believe bipolar disorder, which was traditionally diagnosed in adolescence or early adulthood, has become a trendy diagnosis in young children.
"As a clinician, I can tell you it's just very difficult to say whether someone is just throwing tantrums or has bipolar disorder," said Oscar Bukstein, a child psychiatrist and associate professor at the University of Pittsburgh.

A study of mentally ill children discharged from community hospitals, published in January in the Archives of General Psychiatry, found the proportion of children diagnosed with bipolar disorders jumped from 2.9% in 1990 to 15.1% in 2000.

A report released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2002 estimated that about 7% of elementary school-age children — or approximately 1.6 million youngsters ages 6 to 11 — have been diagnosed with ADHD.

The annual number of U.S. children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs jumped fivefold between 1995 and 2002, to an estimated 2.5 million, according to a study published last year by researchers at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital in Nashville

Some child psychiatrists say bipolar disorder may have been under-diagnosed in children for years, partly because several key symptoms are also symptoms of ADHD, including hyperactivity, distractibility and talkativeness.

Janet Wozniak, director of the Pediatric Bipolar Disorder Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, said early diagnosis and treatment are critical because the illness can cause social and academic problems, and lead to drug abuse, crime and suicide.

"What's commonly overlooked when considering diagnosing and treating children at such an early age is the risk of not treating and not intervening," Wozniak said.

Lazy? Bipolar?

Is this a sign of being lazy or bipolar? It's March 25th, and I still have garland wrapped with clear Christmas lights on my stair banisters. Don't worry - I don't plug in the Christmas lights anymore! :-) I sure like to blame a lot of things on being bipolar, don't I? I think I'm just lazy. I wonder if the cleaning ladies can take it down on Thursday for me if I ask...God knows it will be August if I do it myself.


Goodbye Girl

Well, I think ASHMC2 may have figured out why I get so "distant" when Mark goes out of town for work, and I start "clinging" to John Mayer, and even get infatuated with my leukemia candidate (although he's really not my candidate anymore since he started his job a week ago) when he's gone.

I DO have issues with abandonment. I went to therapy for YEARS, and I was told over and over that I have issues with "abandonment" and "intimacy". It's kind of a Catch 22 - don't leave me, but don't get too close, either. Mark has complained for years about the level that's lacking in the "intimacy" area.

It all stems from my childhood. I'm not trying to whine or complain, just EXPLAIN. I have no emotion over this.

I have lost EVERYONE in my life. My mother refuses to speak to me, and, from therapy and advice, I've mourned the "loss" of her as she has hurt me time and again, and do not try to contact her anymore. It's been YEARS since I've spoken to her. The last time was on stupid MSN Messenger, and she even told me I'd never see her again because of the way she "looked". Do you see a pattern here by the way I act as well regarding my appearance?

My parents divorced when I was 2, and my Dad moved to Denver. I didn't REALLY spend time with him or get to know him until I was 16, and by that time, I wanted nothing to do with him. My mother wouldn't let me have anything to do with my Dad's side of the family, my grandparents have died on my Mom's side of the family, and my grandfather pretty much "chose" my mother over me because she took care of him. So really...all I have is Mark.

And I used to always think..."one day we'll break up". The more that time passes, the less I think this, and the less I try to break up. In the beginning, I would try and break up once a month. He wouldn't let me, and stuck by me. This is really good for me, because it's taught me that someone is willing to stay in my life, where no one has ever done so before Mark.


When I was married, I never saw a future with my ex-husband. I always knew we'd get divorced, and on the day we got married, I was incredibly depressed. Why would I believe we'd stay together? No one else had ever stayed, and I left him, as always, before he ever had a chance to leave me. Looking back, he NEVER would have left me, even after all the shit I put him through at the end. But trust me, he put me through controlling crap that pushed me away, especially being so young. I did the right thing by leaving him, although it was REALLY hard being on my own after being him since I was 17.

So yes, it's totally possible that I don't like being "abandoned", get distant so I don't get hurt, and while I don't know that it's "retaliation" I put Mark through, it may just be my own sense of coping. What's the alternative? To be hurt and lonely? Forget that. I like my own way of coping better, but the truth is...will my relationship survive it? I can only see it getting worse, not better - my distance lasting longer and more severe, and him being more frustrated and hurt.

The thing is...I don't know how to change, but now that I think I have an idea, I can try. I can AT LEAST try harder to "fake it". It's almost impossible though, and I don't know why. It's like I WANT him to know I'm distant because he's gone, so maybe ASHMC2 is right. It's a form of retaliation?

Here's a song I've always related to in regards to this issue. YES, I know it's from 1978, but the words are SO ME:

Who Remembers?

I FEEL so much tonight. I'm SO into music.

Who remembers this song? It used to be one of my faves, and I sang along with it over and over (my fixation problem)....

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The FAN CLUB

Okay, this is becoming the "John Mayer" I don't know what site, and I'm going to stop it. My friends who read my blog know I fixate on something for awhile, and right now, it's John Mayer (since Thanksgiving).

I just have to say this one thing because of what "Anonymous" had to say about my last post. Aren't they ALWAYS "Anonymous"?

WHY does he charge people $24.95 to join his "Fan Club" (Local 83) on his website? I was THIS CLOSE to joining about a week ago because I thought I'd get good seats to his concert in my city, but thought, what do I even GET for the money, besides showing I love John Mayer? I can BUY good tickets to his concert - it all depends on how much money you have and what you're willing to spend. So is it the invitations to sound checks in cities I don't live? Discounts on merchandise I won't buy? I don't like nor wear concert t-shirts.

Why would an artist want to profit from his most loyal fans? I understand that running a Fan Club would need money to pay someone's salary or salaries, but come on...$25/head?

Am I way off here? Pearl Jam would never have done that. They boycotted TicketMaster because they thought they charged too much per seat. Their site had free videos of them on it. Yet John is charging his most loyal fans $25/head.

If you're in the "Fan Club" - is it worth $25 US Dollars? Aren't you just proving to yourself that you're a John Mayer fan?

Don't get me wrong, John is THE BOMB.

I just don't understand?

Thoughts? Am I off base? Totally this is a non-issue, but like I said, once I fixate...

Oh yes, and I'm no longer in Section 101, Row D. My seats have been switched. So...if there ARE a few "Local 83" members there, I'm no longer sitting in that location. :-) I don't even know what "Local 83" means...

I guess I'm not a fan like I thought. BUT. I didn't pay the $24.95 to prove I ever was.

Okay, back to bipolar station. :-)

John Mayer Concert!

I'm SOOOO excited! But bummed, too.

I was up early, and on the internet early this morning to get really good seats to the John Mayer concert in June that went on sale at precisely 10:00am. Maybe 15-30 seconds into the sale, I was getting my seats reserved! I just KNEW I'd get in the first few rows.

My saved seat positions came up, and I couldn't believe it. Section 202, somewhere between Rows AA - JJ. (see seating chart below) Sucky Seats, huh? I tried again, got a better section, but with an "obstructed view"!

I said "screw it", and went to a ticket site and paid for what I wanted. What did I find?

DEAD CENTER 4th row, center section. Did I say DEAD CENTER? Section 101, 4th (D) row, BABY!

But...how did the ticket seller company have these seats before they even went on sale? That really pisses me off - I didn't have a chance at 10:00am this morning. All of the good seats had already been GIVEN AWAY.

Here's the seating chart!! I'll get them in 10 days - I can hardly wait to hold them in my hot little hands!

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Mark got home Thursday, well really, Friday morning at 3:00a from Chicago, and I didn't even wake up. We went to dinner last night (Friday), and I felt so distant. I could tell it hurt his feelings. But for some reason, I can't just "snap" back into being close and loving once he's been gone for a week. When we talk on the phone when he's out of town, I don't have much to say. I'm a talk-a-holic, yet I don't let myself open up to him for some reason. He keeps asking probing questions, and I just answer with "yes", "no", "maybe", "I don't know", that kind of thing. It's SO not me. And...I don't want to know about what he's been doing in Chicago, so I don't ask him questions either. I don't want to get jealous that he's been eating at THIS expensive restaurant, and going to THAT cool place, while I'm home eating a Lean Cuisine and watching "American Idol" or "Dancing with the Stars".

Then when he gets home, it takes several days for me to "warm up" to him again. I wonder why that is? And when he's out of town, I don't call him, either. He calls me every night around 8:30 - 9:00, but I don't call him at all, unless there's a big reason to, like when I got sick at work and went home. I wanted someone to share it with me, sympathize, and tell me everything would be okay. And he's my rock. I don't know what I'd do without him, yet...I can't help the way I feel when he's gone and then when he comes back. I don't MEAN to hurt his feelings, but I can't FAKE it. I wish I could, but I can't.

I found out that the tenured Recruiters in my office are all looking for new jobs. One has already found one, and starts in the beginning of April. Bipolar Girl is looking, and I don't blame her. She's not even making enough to where she can live on her own and make ends meet. I'm looking (not actively anymore), but I actually told my boss why - for monetary reasons. He's bugging an Account Manager to tell him what she knows, and she does know that all of us are "looking" or about to leave. She 's going to tell him him the "issues", but that she doesn't know if anyone is looking. She also said he's the most worried about ME leaving, and that's why he's been calling me every night. I don't understand what his deal is with me. There is one guy who is leaving FOR SURE, and he is not making it a secret, yet he's worried about ME? I swear, as one person commented, it's like some sort of love affair. I feel like I'm trying to "break up" with him, and he's not letting me. I'm trying to put "distance" between us, and he's feeling it and he's panicking and trying to pull me closer. I'm BIPOLAR, damn it! I miss work because of Seroquel and getting my Adderall prescription filled. If he knew, would he still, literally, beg me to stay? I'm not trying to brag, I'm trying to explain how I'm in this dysfunctional relationship with my boss. Man, when I try to quit, and people have been telling me this, he's going to be heartbroken. If that's true, well...he can make me an offer I can't refuse to keep me. But he's too cheap, and I know he won't. I worry that I will get a job where being bipolar will not be an option. I'll try to use my "faux illness" of migraine headaches again, but what if it doesn't work this time? All I can do is try...

I keep analyzing why I called my candidate that has already started his job on Monday. The Account Manager was SO HAPPY when I told her I called to check up on him because I was doing my job as his Recruiter, FINALLY. I had refused for so long to call him, and made her do everything - she did my job towards the end because I didn't want to talk to him. I take that back. I DID want to talk to him, but I completely avoided him. Did I make a poor decision by calling him? Was I making a poor decision by NOT calling him? Why did I feel dumped when *I* pushed *him* away, knowing that I could lose a "deal"? Why did I develop a crush on him when I haven't felt anything for anyone in 10 years? Or maybe I didn't have a crush at all. And maybe it has nothing to do with being bipolar. If it did, I would have gone headfirst into pursuing him, or kept doing my job, and let him pursue me, perhaps - throwing caution to the wind. But I didn't. I avoided him at all costs.

Where does normalcy end and bipolarness begin? Why do I FEEL all of sudden, after being "dead" to these things for YEARS? Why? Why? Why?
Friday, March 23, 2007

The Call

I called my candidate (yes, THAT candidate, that I USED, and I say USED to have a crush on) last night around 8:00p for some strange, bizarre reason, and left a message telling him that I was checking up on him to see if he was liking his new job as much as his old one. I wasn't really expecting a call back. It was something I knew I was supposed to do, had been avoiding it, but I finally got up the courage to do it.

Get THIS. He called me back at TEN THIRTY last night after Happy Hour with his new company (I felt like I'd been drunk dialed), just gushing about his new company. Because I'd taken all my meds, I have no idea what we talked about. I just checked my phone, and we talked for 30 minutes. I know he went on and on thanking me, and he loved working with me, and we kept it pretty professional. It's like our defenses have to be down to call each other or talk to each other for some reason. Me - on medication. Him - after drinking.

Mark got home last night around 3:00a, and I didn't even wake up! I'm so glad he's home!

Which reminds me, I'm going to be late to work if I don't finish getting ready. I just wanted to write about the "phone call" really quickly.
Thursday, March 22, 2007

Accents!

This was a fun quiz! And so true! Weird. I got it from Lee Harris. I really am from Kansas, and even though I've lived in Texas for IONS, I still don't have that "twang", although, I do say "ya'll" sometimes (lowering head in shame).

And...at least I don't say "POP". Or "worsh" for "wash". Let's see...what other weird words are there? In Texas, they say "Surp" for "Seerup" (syrup). I worked at a restaurant when I first moved here to make ends meet, and the first time someone asked me for "Surp", they asked me about 5 times until someone else translated it for me by picking up a syrup packet and handing it to him.

What accent do YOU have? I'm curious to know how my blogfriends speak.


What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Midland

"You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.

The West
Boston
North Central
The Inland North
The South
Philadelphia
The Northeast
What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Too Much Seroquel

I'm at home from work today - I took an extra Seroquel last night because I wasn't sleepy, and woke up around 7:30a. I have to be at work by 8:00a and we have a meeting at 8:00a on the dot, too. Besides, I was STILL knocked out by the Seroquel, so I called in, with my voice out of it. Hopefully I sounded really sick. I used my faux illness of "migraine headaches" that takes the place of being "bipolar".

I'll NEVER tell my boss or anyone at work that I'm bipolar unless there's a need to do so. I read in a bipolar book that it's not necessary unless there's a benefit from it. However - so many people feel the need to "come out" about it. What's the purpose of that when there's no reason? I notice even "Bipolar Girl" doesn't even tell other people - she's only told me, for whatever reason. I've told her I go to a psychiatrist, but that's all she knows. So many people go to a psychiatrist that I don't think there is any harm in that, and it doesn't seem like she's told anyone. That doesn't mean I'll share with her that I'm bipolar as well. No siree!

Being home from work this morning is actually a benefit for me today. I am almost out of Adderall and needed to go to my psychiatrist to have a prescription written anyway, so I'll just go and then show up at work this afternoon. I think my boss will appreciate that I'll make the effort to come in at all. So what am I doing? Sitting here listening to my recorded John Mayer concert from DirectTV, of course! :-) I just found out he'll be in my town in June! Don't you know I'm going to pay whatever it takes to be in the first few rows? Ok, ok....I'm sure everyone is sick of "John Mayer" on my blog by now.

Right this very second, I don't have that "broken heart" feeling I wrote about last night. It comes and goes. It's so bizarre. I feel happy and positive about my future. Perhaps I'm slightly rapid cycling, or do "normal" people do this, too? I think if I "tried", I would feel depressed, though. It wouldn't take much. I wonder if the Adderall and the coffee (and Phetermine) hides it until evening, and then I break down. Perhaps I'm just anxious about being gone from work.

Or maybe...I'm hopeful about the future because ANOTHER company contacted me about a position with a consulting firm as a Recruiter. I'm no longer actively searching - they are coming to ME. It's got to be LinkedIn - I can't think of anything else it could possibly be. It's an executive search firm, not an IT firm that sent me emails (to my work email address too, which makes me a little nervous that it's my boss; however, the email address is a legitimate business), but I sent them my resume anyway. Working at a Consulting Firm as a Recruiter as opposed to a Corporate Recruiter in an Industry makes more sense for me since I've already worked at a Big-5 (Big-4? People call it both.) I do have "lies" on my resume, though. It looks like I've recruited YEARS longer than I actually have. It makes me nervous when people are asking me questions and asking me pointed questions and I'm making up answers, and I have no idea if I'm answering the questions right or wrong.

Guess I'd better start getting ready to go to the psychiatrist and then to work. Mark will be home tonight around midnight. Maybe I'll actually be able to fall asleep unlike that past few evenings.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Just Being Bipolar.

Maybe I'm just really tired, but I started crying tonight. I'm sitting here, for the 100th time, watching the John Mayer concert I recorded from Webster Hall (freeview from DirectTV) before the New Year, and he started singing "Dreaming with a Broken Heart".

What the hell is wrong with me? I don't HAVE a broken heart! So why do I still FEEL like I do? I honestly do. I still have that same longing you have when your heart has been broken...that emptiness...that sadness....that desperation. Yet, if I don't know what it is, I can't get over it, can I? I wish I could just cry and cry and cry, and get it over with. But instead, it's always lingering...just above the surface to where I can feel it, but it never quite overwhelms and consumes me. I want it to, though. I want to feel ALL of it, ALL AT ONCE, and be done with it. Yet...I can't. It's like tiny pieces are constantly escaping a huge lump all of the time. Maybe it's my body's way of coping, but with what? My mind is constantly searching for something to place this on, but nothing is there, except the guy with leukemia. That's ridiculous, right? But in my mind, it THINKS it has to have something rational to attach itself to so it makes sense. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. To me, it does. But when I take a step back and analyze it, it really doesn't.

Part of what SUCKS about being bipolar is going to bed and your mind not automatically "shutting off". I take my nighttime meds at 8:30, try to go to bed between 9:30 - 10:00, taking my Seroquel on my way up the stairs so I don't eat house and home. However...doing it that way means it will take a bit for the Seroquel to "kick in" and shut my brain off, even though I've taken klonipin (which DOES help), Zonegran and Geoden.

So...with Mark gone, I couldn't sleep last night. Like normal, my mind didn't "shut off" when my head hit the pillow, and I tossed and turned. But this time, my eyes wouldn't stay shut. I couldn't close them for longer than 30 seconds. I was all alone in our big house, and I've watched a LOT of "Forensic Files", "American Justice" and "Dominic Dunne" shows on Court TV, which had me scared out of my mind. I kept thinking someone could have broken in to the house and hidden all day in any of the multitude of rooms in the house all day, and I'd never know it until they were slashing my throat. My mind was going and going and getting worse and worse as time went by. I thought about getting up and taking more Seroquel, but I was afraid I wouldn't make it to work this morning. I was never scared when Cody was alive, because he was the ultimate "police attack dog". And this house is too big for one person...heck, for the two of us, actually.

The things I was thinking about were horrifying. I'm sure that's normal, though...people get scared and "wigged out", right? It's like getting the "creepy crawly's" or something?

I called Mark around 11:00p in Chicago, and he suggested we get a Security System to make me feel better when I was alone. His only concern was my forgetting to arm/disarm it. So here it was, 11:00p - 12:00a, discussing Security Systems, and how if I had a gun, I would just end up shooting myself, anyway. What a great discussion with your fiance long distance, huh?

He really pissed me off tonight, and it's not WHAT happened, it's the principle behind it. The situation was really simple. I charged my $40 tailoring cost to our main account instead of my personal account. He had an issue with this. Okay, so what, big deal. I knew he might, and there might be a discussion. But get this. I started to argue my point, and said "FINE, take it out of my account (online), then", and do you know what he said? He said "I already did". I quickly went to our online account, and damned if he hadn't already done it like he said. NO discussion, NO questions, NO anything. He made a decision and did it. It's the idea that we didn't talk it out - come to a consensus together - that makes me mad. He just decided what was right himself, and did it, regardless of what my opinion was. He didn't care.

So what did I do? I suddenly said I was really tired, wanted to go, said I loved him, and said goodbye very abruptly. He knew I was mad, acted like he was upset I wanted to get off the phone and in the manner I was doing it, but I didn't care. I was mad. But it's not about the MONEY. It's a control issue.

Now it's 10:30p, about an hour after my bedtime, and I SO don't want to go to bed. I'd rather sit here and listen to John Mayer, but...up the stairs I must climb.

Goodnight, my dear sweet blog, as I used to say in the old days.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Work Sucks! (yes, again!)

My job is unbearable.

I woke up late this morning, and realized today was Tuesday and we have a meeting at 8:00a. I threw myself together and got there at about 8:20a. It seems like I'm fighting other Recruiters over candidates all of a sudden - there's too many of us for too few jobs, or something. And I'm talking on a national level here!

My boss is just kind of leaving me alone, and then being sickly sweet to me. The thing is....he's started CALLING me every night on my cellphone. He used to do it once in awhile, but now it's becoming a nightly occurrence. And I rarely answer my phone and never return his calls! And it's NEVER discussed the next day! How bizarre is that? The things he calls about are real, but they can wait until the next day. There is NOTHING that I can do about the things he calls about when he leaves messages, and he HAS to know that! I told a few people at work, and they were like..."he CALLS you at night?". What am I supposed to do? I mean, he's my BOSS. A call from my boss should be very important. I should answer the phone immediately, or at least return his call as soon as I can. But this is different. I don't get it. If he calls ME about these mundane things, why doesn't he call everyone? Or am *I* the only one who leaves with unfinished business? And if I do have unfinished business, he has ALL DAY LONG to say something to me. Yet he doesn't. He waits until I'm home, and then calls me at NIGHT! We're talking 7:30 - 8:30/9:00p here. What is his deal? Why can't he just drop it and go home at night. He never calls me from home - just his cell phone when he's working late at the office, which is just about every night. So see...it IS work related. But why not everyone? And why does he keep doing it when I NEVER answer the phone? I'm not even trying to say I don't LIKE him and HATE him. That's not it at all. He can be hilarious and a very good mentor. He means well. But like I tell EVERYONE about him..."sometimes meaning well isn't good enough".

Dang I wish he wouldn't have found my resume on Monster - in record time compared to my last job. It really sucks to be a Recruiter looking for a job.

But on the job front - I got an email (unsolicited) to my home AND work email address (which is weird - how did they know my work email address? I've got to figure that out...), and called a company back regarding a corporate recruiter position. I don't think I convinced her that I should be a corporate vs. agency recruiter. She seemed to think I was awfully motivated by money. But what do you say? I suck at my job, make no money, and that's why I want to be a Corporate Recruiter? Well that doesn't work. So you talk about how successful you are...and that's measured in $$$ as an Agency Recruiter (she ASKED me about it, I didn't offer. She was a good Recruiter, by the way.). Well...that makes you look like you're motivated by money. It's a Catch-22.

Our email system SUCKS and has been up and down for weeks now. Today I started getting calls that said "well, you said you were going to send an email so I could send my resume, but I guess I must have said something you didn't like....". It's not my friggin' fault we have crap for hardware! That's another thing. As an Agency Recruiter, this server issue is costing me $$$ whenever it's down. Time is money. That's such a cliche, but it's true. Why be at work if I can't work? Literally, since I pay my own salary?

No, I'm not on my period, I'm just sick and tired.

I'm actually becoming friends with Bipolar Girl. I thought she was this person who was nice to EVERYONE and did ANYTHING she could do to get everyone to like her, and it made me sick. It's not true. She's ALWAYS been incredibly sweet to me, even when I was mean, in a passive way, to her. But now that we have newer people in the office, oh my gosh. She can be a real bitch. Now I feel a little special that she likes me as much as she does. I was going downstairs to get something to eat (gasp! but my boss was in a meeting so he couldn't complain that I was un-chaining myself from my desk), and invited her to come with me (the biggest step forward into friendship I've ever made towards her). She jumped at the chance, and went just to go with me - she didn't want anything. I thought that was really nice of her. I don't know who's changing...me? her? both of us? Why can I tolerate and even LIKE her suddenly? Maybe it's not so sudden...perhaps it's been a slow progression from grating on my last nerve until now.

Okay, okay, I'll stop complaining about work! One day, a coworker, or worse yet, my friggin BOSS or his WIFE who is on the internet all day will find this blog. He has the sweetest wife - and cute, too! in the world...it's unbelievable. How he snagged her, I have no clue. He's a Narcissist. When it comes to the two of them, it's all about HIM, and he doesn't stop to think about her....hardly ever, except when I used to remind him when I sat by him. And told him to stop being mean to her, like saying, in a horrified way... "WHAT did you do to your HAIR?", instead of "Did you go to the salon this morning? Your hair looks different..../nice/good/pretty/yougetthepicture..".

But there I go AGAIN after saying I'd stop complaining. I just hope I can get up and drag my butt to that hellhole tomorrow.
Monday, March 19, 2007

Comfortable

First of all, if you're here from Wikipedia, I have NO CLUE if John Mayer is bipolar, and I don't know who linked me.


For my friends, someone linked my blog on Wikipedia as being the "source" that said John Mayer is "bipolar". Now seriously...would I say that? And am I even a "credible source" if I had? AS IF!

Speaking of John Mayer (because the subject makes me so happy!), Mark has heard me playing this song ("Comfortable") so many times - he calls me "grey sweatpants"!

I have this DVD - it's awesome! I've worn out this part of it - listening to this song over and over. Mark actually gave it to me for Christmas, where I "stumbled" upon this song, and ordered EVERY CD of John Mayer's.

I wish I could see John Mayer play this song. I don't know if I would smile or cry with joy. I know...intense, huh? It's my favorite song from my favorite artist - a song that hardly anyone knows.





I just remembered that time at the market
You snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down aisle 5
You looked behind you and smiled back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave

Can't remember what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to

Our love was comfortable and....so broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for me
They throw me...high fives
She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity

Your mouth was so dirty

Life of the party...
And she swears that she's artsy

But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrain (on a side note, who the HELL are they?)


Our love was...comfortable and...so broken in
She's perfect
So flawless
Or so they say...

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
The poses for pictures that aren't being taken

I loved you
Grey sweat pants
No makeup
So perfect

Our love was comfortable and so broken in
She's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed

I want you back.

Work Sucks

I hate my job. The Recruiting Agency I work for will never make me any money besides what I already make, and I'm going to get serious about finding another job.

YES, I know my boss already found my resume on monster and made me take it off, but that doesn't mean I can't apply for jobs.

A co-worker is quitting on April 9th, he told me today. After him, I think I'm the 2nd most tenured Recruiter (in our office - not in ALL the offices). I'm getting nowhere! I KNOW I'm good at what I do, and it's easy to place the blame here, there and everywhere else but yourself, but I was starting to make a lot of money at the last company I was at - I just couldn't handle the environment. And, my boss would TELL you I'm good at what I do.

I don't even like the "caliber" of people my boss is hiring. He always goes on and on about how uppity the people are that work in our office that he hires. How "preppy", or I don't know how else to describe it - I realize that sounds so 80's, but it fits. But he's WRONG.

Their work ethic SUCKS and I don't see him doing anything about it. Me...he expects nothing but perfection. As a matter of fact, he called me on my cell at about 8:00p tonight and left a message.

Did I answer the phone? No. Have I listened to the message? No. Will I? No.

Am I leaving? You bet.

Mark is in Chicago tonight...he'll be back Thursday. He's probably glad he's not watching "Dancing with the Stars" tonight. :-)
Saturday, March 17, 2007

Emotional!

I FEEL so much all of a sudden. It feels good, but I'm scared I won't be able to control my emotions. It already started when I got a crush on one of my candidates. I tried my best and hardest, but it happened anyway.

We had a good day today - we did some shopping, but I didn't find anything I wanted to buy. We had dinner, and all I ate was a small salad and dessert (see how weird I'm acting?).

We got home, and I don't know what came over me...what even made me THINK of doing this. I got on YouTube like I do all the time, and I went back into my old days of "boy band" songs. The sappy love songs they sing, and not-so-sappy. I didn't have my headphones on, and Mark asked if I was 12 again. I was expecting something...I mean, I felt foolish about it already.

I don't GET it. Why do I feel these intense feelings? I don't like not being in control. I'm *always* in control of *these* types of feelings. I have been for years now.

I became obsessed with a call that I didn't recognize on my cellphone from today at 12:30p, and they didn't leave a voicemail. I thought they did, but the voicemail turned out to be a Recruiter trying to recruit me for a corporate job last Thursday. I started thinking...was the call from the guy I had (I still insist on HAD, if I ever DID) a crush on about a week ago? But he always leaves messages when he calls, so who was it? It could have been a wrong number, but it shook me up. I know, why didn't I just call it and see? Because....I didn't know who it was, and I didn't know what I would say! I just know it was local.

I have to get control. Perhaps on Monday I'll delve back into my work and really focus. Mark is leaving for Chicago again after work on Monday for 3 days, so I'll work really late and get home just in time to eat, take my meds, and go to bed. The thing that SUCKS about work is that we have 3 new guys that started on my team, and my boss left at lunch time on Friday. He NEVER leaves or is not there. I don't know what these guys were thinking, but one wasn't there at all that day, and the other two...get this...they just got up and LEFT FOR THE DAY! So now, all of us are going to be punished for THEIR actions. My boss is going to think he's not tough enough on us. He'd BETTER give them hell or I'll be pissed. If it had been the three of us girls instead, OMG.

So...there's always been songs that I listened to over and over, on repeat for weeks at a time. Back in my "Backstreet Boys" days (I thought Nick - the blonde one - was so cute), this was my obsessive song. Does anyone else even remember it? I forgot all about it, but as soon as the music started playing, every single word came back. Man, I've got to harnish these emotions...


Friday, March 16, 2007

Empty

Something's missing. I feel so sad - so empty - so....alone. I don't know how long I've been feeling this way, but I don't think it started just this second.

Why do I feel so lonely? I'm rarely ever alone. My coworkers keep me company all day, I'm on the phone with candidates constantly, Mark is typically home when I am, and if he's out of town, I don't get home until bedtime, anyway. I don't have TIME to feel lonely, and when I do, I'm not alone, so why do I feel this way?

I feel like crying. I feel like I NEED a good cry, but I'm afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop for months.

Whatever it is, I don't think I'll ever find it in my life. Maybe briefly it will be filled, here and there, but never permanently. Spring fever comes, and the feeling goes away for the moment and is replaced with excitement and energy, along with dreams of what could be. But it's always fleeting...and it's always just out of my grasp.

I have this huge lump in my throat. All of a sudden, I'm clinging to John Mayer again, not that I ever stopped. I feel like my heart is broken, but why? No one broke it. Yet that's exactly how I feel - that emptiness, longing, sadness.

Mark isn't helping. He always plays the "martyr". Our Internet connection was having problems and I told him so he could fix it. He had been watching something on television that made him laugh, and he abruptly turned it off, said he had "chores" to do, took care of the Internet issue, and then went to bed. Why does he have to make me feel guilty? Why do I have to seem like such a bother?

I know he loves me very much, but RIGHT THIS SECOND, I don't feel very loved. I feel abandoned, and yes, now I really am crying and can't go to bed because he'll want to know what's wrong. What would I say? I have nothing to tell him. How could anyone explain this logically? I can't even do it.

I'm sure the guy with leukemia has a lot to do with this, but not completely. If something hadn't been missing to begin with, I would never have opened up to him in the first place. They tell me at work to stop calling him "the guy with leukemia", and I don't know why I do. Is that the only reason I felt so close to him? Because we shared a taboo disease? I call the girl who is bipolar "Bipolar Girl", but that's really only on my blog.

Oh yeah! She's really getting out of control, and I'm pretty certain she's an alcoholic. She's been giggling uncontrollably, acts unprofessional to candidates on the phone (just my opinion), but then gets so depressed she looks at me and can hardly talk because she'll start to cry. All in the same day! My coworkers around her are noticing and commenting when she's out of the room. I just said "she's not my project for the day". Seriously, I know we're both bipolar and I can totally relate to her, but what am I supposed to do? I know for a fact that she abuses klonipin and have no idea who gives it to her because she doesn't have a psychiatrist. I can tell when she takes it, too, because her mood changes and her eyes get fuzzy. I mean, it's not even my place to intervene, right?

Besides, I need to work on ME right now and figure out how to get past whatever this is I'm going through. I'm sure time will work it's way out of it.

At least, I hope it does. A person can only feel empty for so long...

Was I Just DUMPED?

Well, I feel like I just got dumped. But the weird thing is...NOTHING HAPPENED!

I don't even know if I had a "crush" on my candidate - I guess I did. I mean, I thought about him a lot, looked forward to talking to him, and had "butterflies" in my stomach.

He starts his new job Monday, so I'm no longer his "Recruiter". I've been refusing to call him this week and have made the Account Manager do it instead. One time I was with her, and I heard him say "Tell KansasSunflower I said hello...". But he's just polite like that.

I wonder if he was always polite when he used to tell me he was going to take me to lunch all the time. But...the Account Manager finally DID take all 3 of us to lunch one day, where we met.

This must be how it feels the other way around. When a candidate starts a new job, their Recruiter basically "dumps" THEM. They talk to them almost every day, keep their interest up in the job, become friends in the process, and then boom, there's no reason to keep communicating.

Except...this time it was DIFFERENT. I know what not to do now. Don't get too close. Don't share personal information about yourself, where you grew up, what you think about certain things. Don't SHARE.

The thing is...I have NO IDEA who he really is. I only know who he portrays himself to me, his Recruiter, to get a job he wants. And isn't that really showing your best, most professional face?

I know what did it for me - why I dropped my defenses when I *never* do - to anyone, whether I'm their Recruiter or not.

He has leukemia. I had sympathy, and threw caution to the wind. I wanted to connect - and we talked about everything but his disease.

Now I'm wondering stupid STUPID things like..."did he not like me after he met me?", "did he think I was fat?", "did he think I was old?", when the truth is, *I* stopped calling *him*. And I wouldn't answer my cell when he did call. *I* am the one in a long term relationship and flashed my one carat diamond solitaire in his face.

And the TRUTH is...it doesn't matter! So why do I feel like this? I'm not having a relationship with him that's not strictly professional, or heck, even anything at all.

The only thing that "erks" me is that I left him a voicemail that he didn't return, and I sent him an email that he didn't respond to - but this is his last week of work, he's training THREE people, and I don't know why I'm making excuses - it simply doesn't matter. The Account Manager called him several times after I did both of those, so he had no reason to return either.

On a brighter note, I may have a new job opportunity coming up. I'm having coffee with the Director of a Consulting Firm the first or second week in April when he flies to Texas to meet me (and I'm sure a few other people as well). I didn't apply for any jobs - the recruiter found my name and resume on LinkedIn. We had a conversation last night (I think I blogged about it), I sent my resume this morning, and he called me on the way home from work. He asked what companies I recruited for...I told him I was uncomfortable telling him our client list. He seemed unfazed, but I hope he can appreciate that I'm a loyal employee? The job sounds great - no more 13 hour days at work, and no crazy boss!

Well, Mark is home, I really missed him today, and this is "going out to dinner night"! (Previously "date night" until we used to fight every "date night".)
Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I'm Over It - I Hope! :-)

I'm SO over my crush now. How long did it even last? Two weeks max? Nothing happened to get me over my crush - it was like I said...let time pass between the time we talk, and I'll be okay. I haven't spoken to him since early yesterday morning, and that's all it took. Besides, I always knew it was stupid, I just couldn't make the "butterflies" go away. I mean really...what was I going to do? Pursue someone and give up my 10 year relationship? One that means more to me than anything in the world? Now that I'm SO over it, I need to keep that distance in place to STAY over it. It's really that easy for me, but not so easy when you're the guy's Recruiter. Not for much longer though...he starts his new job on Monday.

The girl at work who is bipolar (another girl - not ME!) is really starting to fall apart. It took a week for an Account Manager to send a resume she had sent him of her candidate to the company her candidate wanted to work. She found out, and was so upset, she went home and didn't come back. Today, she told me she needed to get back on anti-depressants (she's taking NOTHING). But...the Account Manager did was out of line, and if she didn't like it, she could stop recruiting for him altogether. Just going home at lunch, not coming back and not calling your boss to tell him so is pretty much unacceptable anywhere. The Account Manager that ticked her off happened to be......MY WHACKO BOSS! The president of all the offices! I think that's why it took so long - he just gets buried under his work. But...that's no excuse. He shouldn't be an Account Manager - he should be running his company, and not trying to do both. Instead of being great at one, he sucks at two. He's just lucky that he picked good Account Managers to run the other offices. Otherwise...he'd *really* suck.

Mark isn't traveling this week, and now I'm not sure what to do with myself when he IS here. You get used to living by yourself, and then all of a sudden, you're not by yourself anymore, and you have to switch gears. He's going back to Chicago next week, so I'm sure by the time I get used to him being here again, it will be weird to be by myself. I hate it. Either be gone, or be here. Choose. You know? I guess I should relish the time he IS here, and relish the time just as much that I have to myself, and see it as a blessing.

I feel really anxious for some reason - not sure what is up with that. My allergies were really bad today, but they always are when I go to the gym during lunch (??). I have no idea what's up with that. I took 3 Benadryl at work this afternoon, and I'm really tired, but too anxious to go to bed.

I think I'll take some klonipin and see how I feel later...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007

It's Just Another Day...

Well, I didn't talk to "that guy" that I have a crush on today, and it makes it easier towards the end of the day. I don't think about him so much. The more time that passes, even just a DAY, the less I think about him. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday morning. He starts his new job on Monday, so we'll see if we even talk after that. The more I find people for this company, the more I see they are similar to his personality. Now...they can NEVER be HIM...he's the "original", but I see what the company is looking for now. I guess I'm just attracted to that kind of person. But with leukemia? That one still has me scratching my head. It can NOT be meant to be with that person, because why would I intentionally be put with someone who may or may not have a limited life expectancy? Besides, I know he's somewhere in his 20's - way too young for me. At least Mark is 30. :-)

I would never ruin what I have with Mark to be with someone else. I just can't! He's seen me through more crap than anyone else on earth ever would. And I've stood by him just the same.

Yes, I do agree that people are put into our lives for a reason. John - his name is John - was put into my life for a reason, but why, I don't know. To educate me on leukemia? Show me there's really no discrimination against physical disabilities? To see that there really are kind hearted, sweet, near perfect people out there? I don't know why I care about him as a person and not just a Recruiter, but I do. I always care about people as people, but this is DIFFERENT.

Mark will be in Chicago next week, so who knows, maybe I can talk to him, but I doubt it. He will have started his new job and will have no use for me anymore. And be busy with his new work. I'd like for the Account Manager and I to take him to lunch to celebrate for his new position, but I guess we already did that, huh? Every day, I say to her "Is there a reason I need to call John today?" :-)

I called him yesterday morning around 7:15a, after he called me the day before (Sunday) at 3:30 and 5:30p. He thanked me twice for calling him, and then said "oh yeah, wasn't there something you were going to tell me?". Well duh, wasn't that why you were calling me on Sunday?

This whole thing is confusing. I'm starting to feel used as a Recruiter to get to this job that everyone wants so bad. There's a few more positions at this same company, and people are leaping over themselves for me to get to them. Makes me wonder if he did the same thing.
Sunday, March 11, 2007

Hypo? Spring Fever?

I LOVE driving my Beemer with my John Meyer Contiuum CD blaring and the sunroof open all of the time.

I LOVE being outside in the warm sunshine, and hate going back to work after lunch is over. I don't even like going to the gym during lunch anymore.

And...there's my original issue. That guy. I'm starting to wonder if I have faux "feelings" for him because he gave me so much attention. He really listened to what I had to say and asked questions about me - he was very interested in me. And, he's cute - at least the Account Manager thinks so, and that he has a "thing" for me after watching us after we met.

I called him on Friday about his new position that starts next Monday, and he didn't call me back until today (Sunday). The weird thing is, it's like I'm back in high school again. Calling late Friday, and then he calls me back on Sunday afternoon at...get this...EXACTLY 3:30, not a minute more, not a minute less. I didn't take his call. I used to play this game where...if a guy called me on a Friday, I wouldn't call him back until Sunday to show that I was too busy with my own plans to just drop everything for him until Sunday afternoon. I used to do exactly what he did. But...he really may have been too busy and just then had the chance to call me back. BUT. Why doesn't he just all me during REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS? That's when *I* call *him*. Sunday afternoon at 3:30? It's like he wants to have time to talk to me.

But I over analyze everything in relationships. I haven't called him back, nor will I. His message was like "Hi KansasSunflower, I'm calling you back because you said you had something to say to me...call me back on my cellphone...thanks...", and then he called again a little bit later on. The Account Manager will FREAK when she finds out I didn't take his calls and I didn't call him back.

And I told Mark about it. Not how *I* felt, of course. You know what he said? He said "you can't date, you know". You can't date, you know? Hello? He actually has to say that to me? When the guy called, Mark was sitting right next to me, and I could have answered the phone, I'm just his Recruiter after all, but I didn't. I was afraid my voice would give me away, and then he would want to talk. So then I told Mark it was the Account Manager.

Here I am, lying for NO GOOD REASON. I do not have a relationship with this person, never have, never will, and am going to great lengths to avoid any contact. Actually, I'm scared to death of the whole thing.

Mark will be in town this week, but will be working late and entertaining his own boss who will be in town. I'll be working late as well, of course.

And this is daylight savings time.

Am I just attention starved? What IS it about this person that has gotten to me? Am I manic? No, if I were manic, I wouldn't be avoiding him. I would be going head-first into whatever relationship I could manage. I think I just admire him greatly, and see that he's a very special person. I wish we could be great friends. I'd love to have him as a best friend.

Let's see how tired I get tomorrow because of the time change...any advice over the guy situation would be greatly appreciated. The advice I've gotten so far has been VERY helpful.
Friday, March 09, 2007

Found Out

Well, I'm about 99% sure that while Mark has been away on his trips, he's been reading my blog. I was making conversation over dinner about my lunch with my candidate, and he said something to the effect that he already knew - he read about it, but I'm not sure. He said it with his head down, and then he wouldn't repeat it. I got the "gest" of it, though.

It's my own fault for letting him know what my website address was. Now I can't "bare my soul". I wonder how long he's been reading it, after swearing "he didn't want to read it because he was afraid there was something on there he didn't want to know".

I've said so many things...I guess the fact that he was out of town made him wonder what I was doing.

I guess this is goodbye, blog. Who can write knowing you can't just be yourself? I'd have to weigh everything upon what he would think about what I was writing. And I just can't do that. That's not the purpose of me blogging.

I see this as my private journal. But now it's not private anymore, and what's the use of that?

I FEEL Too Much

I called in sick to work this morning - said I'd been throwing up all night, and that I was tired and needed to sleep. Not really true, but I WAS very tired because Mark came home around midnight and woke me up. Now I'm sitting here playing the Sims at almost 10:00a, so anxious that I'm not at work I can barely stand it.

Now that my boss has seen my resume out on Monster, I'm SURE he thinks I'm going on all of these interviews, but I'm not. Like Wednesday, when I was throwing up at work and just went home, he probably thought I had an interview that day, too.

My attendance is less than stellar right now, but I really can't help it. I guess I CAN...I can stay at work and throw up or at least be dizzy and feel like I'm going to like I did after I got sick on Wednesday, or drag my butt into work this morning when I could hardly keep my eyes open. When I take Seroquel at night, I just canNOT be woken up like that and miss my sleep and expect to be okay the next morning. Another thing though...because it was late, Mark took up the bathroom, and I couldn't get ready. True, we have 3 bathrooms, but all of my stuff is in the bathroom he was using.

I feel SO ANXIOUS right now.

All I do is FEEL lately. I'm tired of feeling everything to the extreme. Why now? What's changed? Normally I wouldn't feel that way over a guy. Normally I wouldn't feel so anxious about missing work. Everything is blown out of proportion, and I know it. But that doesn't change how I FEEL.

Am I forgetting a medication every day or something?
Thursday, March 08, 2007

That Guy...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel genuinely sad and depressed.

Yesterday, I started feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. I went with my coworker to the store, and on the way back, it was all I could do to wait until I was back at work to run into the building and throw up. I didn't even go back into our office. I just used my cellphone to leave a voicemail for my boss and told him I was going home sick, and went home. All I can figure out is that I'm "hormonal" right now?

My mind is on they guy who got the great job who has leukemia for some bizarre reason. I can't stop thinking about him, and this is EXACTLY why I cut off communication with him before I met him. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want my mind occupied on something that will never happen. I can't believe I've done this to myself, and I'm actually mad at myself for allowing myself to feel something for him. I just think about all he's accomplished, and all he's doing, even though he has leukemia, and I admire him greatly. We have so much in common that it feels "comfortable" to talk to him. He's already an overachiever, regardless of his disease. It doesn't stop him. No one would ever guess he had it by looking at him or talking to him. I didn't know you could have leukemia and be "normal". My only brush with it was in the fourth grade when a boy in my class died from leukemia. I didn't know people lived to be his age, and lived well? I don't even know his age...28? But it's not about that. It's how he makes me FEEL. Does that make sense? It's how we get along...how much I enjoy our conversations. I'm trying to remember if I felt the same way about my conversations with Mark in the beginning. To be completely honest, we were both on the rebound, and I think that's what we talked about instead.

I'm so mad at myself, yet...I don't know how to stop what I feel, and that makes me even sadder.

Maybe I'm just a really empathetic person and I'm confusing my feelings? Perhaps I feel nurturing feelings, not a crush at all. But why does my stomach do flip flops, then?

I have to call him a couple of times before and after he starts his new job, a week from Monday, to make sure all is well on the job front. Trust me, I'm not LOOKING for excuses to talk to him, and the Account Manager TOLD me I had to call him and reminded me this was part of MY job, not hers, because she knows I don't want to call him anymore. She knows this because I had already stopped calling and she was doing it for me. He's a huge investment for the Account Manager and I, and I can't risk anything going wrong. His boss has already counter-offered, and thank God he turned it down. He told us he wanted to give a 4 week notice after he talked to his boss, and she nipped that in the bud. Now I've got to call tomorrow and make sure he's still starting on the 19th, see how the transition is going for him during his last days at work, and see if there's anything we can do to help. THEN I have to call him after he's been at his new job a few days to a week and make sure all is going well. We don't get paid if he doesn't stay at least 90 days (I think - maybe it's 120?) If it's as weird for him as it is for me, he won't talk to me like he used to...I'll be very uncomfortable. Or...maybe now that he's met me, he won't want to talk to me anymore.

I need a life. I need some self confidence. I buy and I buy all of these designer clothes, expensive haircuts and colorings, pedicures, expensive makeup, yet...no matter how much I dress myself up, I still feel the same on the inside. Even losing 50 pounds didn't change much. I feel as yucky in a size 4 as I did in a 14.

Mark is coming home tonight, and I SHOULD be excited! Instead, it just makes me want to cry. And my stomach feels sick - but maybe I honestly have the flu, and I shouldn't be mad at myself at all. Having Mark home, though, will put everything back into perspective for me. I can't and don't want to lose Mark, for anything.

What is wrong with me? Am I just experiencing moodiness because it's that time of the month for me? Should I not diagnose myself until a good week has passed?

Besides...all I need to do is let time pass and I'll forget all about that guy...

Married people go through this once in awhile, right?

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KansasSunflower
A bipolar girl trying to make sense of the world. Bipolar doesn't mean who I am, it just happens to be what I am, and does it really affect my day to day life? I'm trying to figure that out.
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