Sunday, April 29, 2007

Ready for New Job?

I don't know how I feel about myself because of what I've done, but I didn't exactly DO what I set out to do today at work all by myself. I can't even talk about it on my blog, but it wasn't what I was hoping. I'm terrified to go to work tomorrow because I spent hours by myself in the office trying to figure out how to do what I wanted to do, never quite got there, yet knowing the servers were probably recording every keystroke I made. I know this is cryptic, but it has to be.

Since I've now decided to quit my job and start the new one, when do I do it? I may accept the new job tomorrow, but I'm not quitting tomorrow. I don't know what they know I tried to do on the computer today, and if I quit, they will go searching to see if I've done anything. Yet...my company and the new company have some of the same clients, so why would I want to keep trying to fill jobs and not get paid for placements, when I could be filling them at my new job? I think I'll verbally accept the new job tomorrow...and then I'll TRY to wait until Friday to quit my job? That way I'll have a week to just "chill". My boss will let me work out the day, probably, and then let me go. Why not two weeks? He'll be too freaked out about what I could steal from the company. I would give two weeks notice, of course. If he actually accepted it, I would be shocked beyond belief.

I'm ready to just get started at my new job. I'm ready to "knock their socks off", and I know I will. I don't want to wait.

Mark and I haven't been getting along really well lately. It's this "push" and "pull" kind of relationship. He actually told me he didn't want a baby because he didn't want to be "liable" or "responsible" for a child. What about me? He said we had a talk about moving to Chicago last night. I have no recollection of it because, of course, I took 8 Seroquel, and he was irritated by that.

I think Mark's traveling so much makes it hard for me/us to reconnect when he comes back. I don't really understand why that is...

I'm Alright

Well, I took all that Seroquel last night, and Mark woke me up around 8:00p and apologized - said he's really stressed from his job. The thing is - I was picking a fight, so I don't think yesterday was all his fault.

I got up, and we drove to get an ice cream (remember, I took SEROQUEL!), but I didn't eat dinner, so it might not be so bad.

I think I know my dilemna about taking the new job. I don't want to move outside of my "comfort zone". Move away from my friends, what to expect from my boss, how things are run in the office, even though things are unfair and I SHOULD be mad about so many issues there! I could go on and on...

I asked Mark "Seriously, I need your input. What should I do - should I take the new job or stay where I am? Your opinion is very important to me".

He told me to take the new job. He said every job he'd had where he was happy and satisfied were ones that had a good deal of "risk" to them, such as when he was the CTO with the small consulting firm. I consider this risky because it's one Account Manager and myself, although there are 2 part time Recruiters as well. And...2 billable consultants. It would be SO good for my career. I'd learn Acc't Management from the best, and REALLY specialize in this particular type of IT that is so sought after as a Recruiter. It's really hard to understand what these people do and hard to train someone who's never recruited for this before (trust me, I've tried on newbies), so it pays well for an experienced person. You see, my current boss KNOWS this, he KNOWS I'm good at it, and that's why (I guess) he's freaking out.

I decided I'm going to get *my* candidates from the database. I don't remember signing anything that said I can't take *my* candidates with me if I left. I've got a lot of work to do before I leave to get as many of my candidates as possible without looking suspicious to my boss. I NEED them for my new job. But again, if my boss finds out, he honestly might try to sue me. I don't think he thinks that anyone is smart enough to figure out how to do it. There are no CD or floppy drives in my desktop. However...there are ports for my keyboard and mouse, and all I need is one to attach my external harddrive to copy over my information. I honestly don't think he even knows that it's possible to create a local database in Lotus Notes from the server Database. At the Big-5, we used Lotus Notes, and I supported it on the Help Desk (this was IONS ago), so I know ALL the in's and out's of LN. Anything anyone was attempting or trying, I know how to do, so I consider myself an advanced user. I think I know LN better than he does or his wife, who is the administrator! The only thing is...I'll need LN to view my database that I copy, and I don't have it. I'm hoping Mark can find me a copy on the internet somewhere like he did Photoshop for me when I was in college.

Now that I've proven myself to be unethical, I'll leave it at that. But is it really unethical? Mark said I've changed since I've been in sales - ethically. He said I lie sometimes, yet don't consider it lying, just like he views sales people. I think...yes, he's probably right. It's too hard to explain, but...we both agreed I learned it from my boss. I don't blame him for allowing myself to change my values, but...he definitely turned me into a "sales person". To me, it's not all black and white the way Mark views it. There is a LOT of gray. It's not true or false. Everything is up for negotiation. Maybe I say and do what people want to hear and see regardless of what is really true, but...how do I know in the end that it won't actually happen? Rates go up when companies really want someone, they'll decide a 4 day work week is okay, they'll pay more salary wise for someone, they may let them work remotely, how do I know any of this until they all actually meet? Just because a job description says one thing doesn't make it true. You never know what a company is willing to do until you try...what does it hurt to ask?
Saturday, April 28, 2007

I Hate Myself, But He Makes Me

I just deleted a post about how I was surprised I was about being so "healthy" lately, and I was just waiting for a trigger to come around the corner and trample on it.

It came.

Mark and I are arguing. We've said things to each other, and he really upsets me. Now, you can't hear the other side of the conversation...what I say BACK to him, so it's really unfair for me to say what he's said, except....it IS *my* blog where I record my thoughts, feelings, etc. We're arguing about the frequency of sex, and it's barely been a week! And he said "all this" was for me - he never wanted a house in the suburbs, stuff to maintain - *I* did, and the house and everything in it was bought for me. Why can't we have shared dreams is what I want to know? It appears we just don't want the same things in life!

It makes me want to leave and carve out my own life - without someone who is "sacrificing" or playing the "martydr". Yes, I know...I know...I have an issue with "abandonment" and push people away, I'm sure even 10 years after we've been together. But who wants THAT guilt trip? I feel like he wants me to change, and I never do. I feel like he is saying HE has changed for me, and didn't get the desired results (I'm assuming, MORE sex). Why is it that guys equate sex with love? Before anyone blasts me, I'm sure it's not all guys. HE says it's affection, but I pointed out to him affectionate things I did, and he struck them all down.

I could go on and on.

So what did I do? My old "back up" coping mechanism - I took 8 100mg Seroquel about 10 minutes ago. I hate that it will increase my appetite, but I really just want to disappear into nothing.

And...I asked him, really asked him, what should I do about my job? You know what he said? To ask myself why I keep leaving companies. That's SO unfair. The working conditions have been horrible, and everyone has left, not just me. Now if it had just been ME, sure, I'd be asking myself that. I'd be making MORE MONEY at this new company, get AWESOME training - is he afraid I'd leave him over that? That if I had "game" in the money arena, I wouldn't need him anymore? I have no idea. But money is far from my only consideration. My future and what's good for my career is what I'm thinking about right now. He said it must be nice to get a job that had a large part to do with how your voice sounds on the phone and what you look like, but that wasn't ALL of it, and he knows it. I'm REALLY good at what I do, and this guy knew it. He KNEW it because ALL we talked about was very detailed information in this specialized area of IT!

And...I ordered more phentermine, it was REALLY expensive, I don't know if it will even come (who knows from these websites, anyway), and I'm kicking myself for doing it.

Sometimes.....I really hate myself. I'd like to change - be more responsible, more sexual, more....SOMETHING, but I don't know what. People *seem* to really like my personality, yet...Mark makes me feel like I'm not quite adequate somehow. He gets possessive, says he has to fight his jealousy all the time (he rarely acts jealous), but maybe that's all normal.

I'm pretty mad at him right now, so take all of this with a grain of salt. After the Seroquel kicks in, I sleep until tomorrow and wake up, maybe he won't be mad anymore, I will have chilled out hopefully, and a new day will have begun...

What Do I Do?

Okay, blogfriends...

I have no clue what to do.

On one hand, I have this job that I've complained about for a year now. But I'm doing really well, my checks just went up $700/month, and will only start going up from here on now. I'm tolerating my boss, we have a great database of candidates, and I like my work friends.

On the other, I have a job offer. The base salary pays more than what I'm making NOW with the pay increase that I've been working so hard to achieve for a year, plus a really good commission package. They will also, because they are an LLC, be able to match ELEVEN PERCENT of my base PLUS commission into my 401k - something unheard of to anyone I've talked to about it. 4%? Sure. 11%? Never.

But I'd just be working with one sales guy - and me, instead of an office full of people. But when I think about it, I just work with 3 Account Managers...2, really...and an office full of recruiters, so there's a lot of competition. So it's just me and him, and we hit it off really well upon our first meeting. He's VERY forthcoming, he pulls no punches, which is good for me because I like to know where I always stand. But I wouldn't have that DAMNED database. And he doesn't have one at all for me to start creating one!

And...I've been wanting to learn Account Management, and he will send me to Certified "this particular kind of Technology" classes - very expensive, and any other kind of conferences/training I want to go to anytime. My boss now is cheap. If I were an ACCOUNT MANAGER for this technology, I could get a base of $100k instead of $50k - $70k.

I know it seems I'm LEANING towards one thing, but you know what would positively make up my mind for me? If I could take that database with me, which is EXTREMELY unethical, and my boss, if he ever found out, would consider suing me.

I know I'm very good at what I do - all I have to do is compare myself to those around me. And the guy who interviewed me knew it, too. We totally spoke the same language.

But I LEARNED this type of technology where I work now. Yet...I dunno.

Should I put my offer on the plate of my employer and see if he'll match it? Of course he can't match the 401k (which is a huge bump in pay by itself), but see what he'll do?

Then again, if I'm worth this much, should I consider quitting just because he hasn't been paying me what I'm worth to begin with?
Friday, April 27, 2007

Job Offer

I got a job offer. A really good one, too. ON THE SPOT.

I got a call from this "particular type of IT" firm - a Partner, asking if he could meet me at lunch. I said okay - we made arrangements, and darned if I wasn't 15 minutes late.

Anyway, he was VERY to the point. All of the hard questions I was going to have to ask, he just brought them out on the table and answered them. He's got to be a HOUND of an Account Manager. I can't believe how much more this job would pay. And he would send me to all of this training - Certified Training that's incredibly expensive for "this particular type of IT" that's incredibly expensive - when my boss will hardly buy me a meal! A doughnut is what I get if I'm lucky!

He knew I was totally honest with him, because I told him of recent placements I'd made, and one is currently in progress, and darned if he didn't have the same jobs and had been looking for the SAME PEOPLE to present. I told him I had an offer out on XYZ's company's Global Implementation Manager, but he was probably going to turn it down for "XYZ America". He asked how I found him, and I told him. He told me to get him that person and he'd get him a job in our city that's open for $140k, no travel, by the end of next week. When I got back to the office, I asked about that job, and no one had heard of it. But how's that for closing? It makes me want to take my candidate and tell him about this job now. I think we were both amazed with each other.

I didn't have to ask about money. He had a legal pad there, put down a base, and a good one too (hallelujah), a great commission plan, and get this! Because they are an LLC, they put an additional 11% into my 401k plan for me. They will DO THAT - match it from my commission and base. That's a total of 15%. I've never heard of a company doing that before. That's a raise in itself. I don't know if I have the EXACT numbers right.

There was an equal exchange of information, he said he'd like to introduce me to all of his clients as their recruiter because they "ate that up", he said, and be my mentor to learn Account Management.

So what's wrong with the job? There are no other girls to talk to - like other recruiters, such as Older Woman and Bipolar Girll! But I guess I don't really talk to them anyway...? Who do I hang out with? I guess that's not what work is for...and I really don't use it as my social hour anyway.

And the company seems so small. I dunno...I just feel weird...

This can't actually be a GOOD thing, can it?

He told me at the end of the conversation that the job was mine, if I wanted it. He's THAT DIRECT. I told him I needed time to think about it, my goodness, right? He asked when I could start - did I need 2 weeks notice? I told him no - my boss would probably let me finish out the day and let me go.

BUT...I did tell him I have a little "issue" with my boss. His obsessiveness. I didn't speak poorly of him...just...I wanted to warn him that IF and when I gave notice, it wouldn't come without a fight from him. I told him about the nightly calls, the offers to renegotiate my contract, the "freak outs". He was shocked, but...I told him I was a high performer, and he was afraid I was going to leave, which is 100% true. It definitely worked to my advantage.

Wow. An offer for a job on the spot - for a GOOD job. This could VERY easily be the best paying job I've ever had.

And I don't know what to do?

Work Gossip

Friday's are my official "weigh days", although I know I've been weighing myself like every day this week. I hadn't the previous weeks, and look what happened!

I weigh 131, a big improvement over 136.5 (136?) earlier in the week. No, I do NOT lose weight fast. Dream - I had my thyroid and metabolism checked years ago, too, by a "Diet Doctor", who actually told me my thyroid was fine, and my metabolism ran a little on the slow side. However, even though I'm losing it quickly, I lost 50 pounds by losing 2 pounds, MAYBE 3 max a month over 2 years. I think the fact that I put it on so fast is making me take it off just as fast. I just want back down to 125. Once I can wear my 4's again and get into all of my work clothes, I'll feel SO much better. I can finally wear my 6's now, but why I EVER bought 4's, I'll never know. I don't think I'll be buying them again in the future.

And...I'm still using my anxiety disorder to my advantage. Today I'm not taking ANY diet pills. It was too much for me yesterday. I couldn't concentrate, think, thought I was going to puke, and was overwhelmed. I don't need help in that area now that I've cut the Seroquel in half at night. My anxiety takes my hunger away - I physically can NOT eat, and it is also physically painful. I don't need anything increasing that horrible feeling. I had to take 5 KLONIPIN to calm down yesterday! I NEVER take 5 klonipin at once!

I told my new friend at work who goes to the same gym I do that I was going to go to the class at lunch with him. My boss, who is going NUTS over me, kept me and Older Woman 15 minutes past our lunch hour, so I didn't go to class. He told me later that he saved a spot for me, and got out all the weights I needed for class and put them in my spot for when I arrived. I felt SO BAD. I'm telling you, he is the nicest guy I've ever met! I told him that, and he just rolled his eyes. He thinks I'm so silly. He's just that way with everyone, I think? I REALLY like him as a friend - it's good to have someone so positive in your life. I notice he's gone from work a lot, and I get the feeling it's because of his daughter, maybe over the custody battle, and I wonder what is up with that? I feel bad for him, but then again, I have no idea why. He walks in the room, and even though there are two other guys who work with us in the same "room", Older Woman, Bipolar Girl, and myself say "HI, NICE GUY!!!!! (using his real name, of course)" in an endearing way. We just love him. :-) I guess that's my name for him..."Nice Guy"? "Cool Guy?", because he's so darned cool? I think my boss has a "man crush" on him.

I don't know what to do about my boss. I've made the company $29k this month, and he's just freaking out thinking I'm not happy in my job. He's offered me a base plus commission, a bonus when I make a deal, teaching me Account Management, he's called me twice all freaked out, twice in person, given me things like a calculator which I just gave to Bipolar Girl (this from a cheap bastard), but another company really IS courting me to leave. It's the same company that 3 of the employees from our company have already gone recently. They have a HUGE base salary, good commission, great accounts with a good hire ratio. They don't advertise their openings - it's all by word of mouth and referrals. The senior member of our staff that recently went there called me and asked if she and the Recruiting Manager could take me to lunch, and I said sure. I mean, why not? I called a guy who left to talk about the company, and now I'm seriously considering it after what he told me. No more CRAZY BOSS.

The thing is...they haven't asked Bipolar Girl to lunch or to leave, and she asked me to "make a pact" with her that when they started hiring again (they told her they weren't hiring until June), that we would go. I didn't tell her that they called me. She isn't doing very well. She's FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in the "red". That means she won't be seeing any commission checks for a LONG time, where I'm just now seeing them. But I want to see higher ones, the cheap bastard.

By the way, I found out that my boss offered to pay 1/2 of Bipolar Girl's medical costs for her ADD condition. She's always saying that her ADD is what causes her problems (and it does, but WHY she says it is beyond me), and I thought that was *really* nice of him. I don't understand why she doesn't do it? I thought of taking my medicine to work because he always comments on how focused I am to get her to go to the doctor and get medication, but I don't want to "out" myself, either. I see NO BENEFIT, only a downside for me from telling her. I dunno, MAYBE I will. I can't MAKE her go, though. I will say that taking Adderall practically changed my life for the better.

Okay, enough about work. I need to get ready for it, actually. What a boring post, eh? If my boss or a coworker ever found this site, I'd SO be fired, and incredibly humiliated.
Thursday, April 26, 2007

Weigh-In

I am normally VERY strict about not weighing when I'm dieting, but I snuck a peek this morning. 133 - 3 pounds down from 136. Still WAAAAY up there, but it's better.

I'm going to try these really hard work-out classes at my gym during lunch with my coworker today. He's awesome. He used to be in (excuse me, I have no idea of the official name) the European Professional Basketball League as a "Point Guard"??, but his ex-wife died, and he came back to the states to take care of his daughter. He's SO inspirational, and becoming a good friend. I think that's why my boss hired him when he'd never recruited in his life. You just BELIEVE in him, and he brings such a positive "vibe" everywhere he goes. I told him he should be a motivational speaker, but he rolled his eyes. He does teach a basketball kids camp in the summer at our gym which he loves, and I can totally see him motivating those kids. He's a great dad, too. Definitely a good friend to have around you. And that's ALL it is - friends. I could never see us being more than that - some people you just don't feel that way towards, you know? Thank heavens for that! :-)

I'm off to work - wish me luck with my C-R-A-Z-Y boss and my work out classes, dear blog! :-)
Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Anxiety is Back! For the Better?

I tried my "old technique" of losing weight today. I used my "anxiety disorder" to my advantage. I know that sounds bizarre, but I don't know another way to explain it. I felt HORRIBLE last night from the weather change, and just took 100mg of Seroquel, like I've been planning to do but haven't because I can't sleep at night, and...I've been anxious. I then took about 3 times the normal amount of Nyquil so I wouldn't be sick today, but it didn't help me fall ASLEEP asleep. Sure, it made me close my eyes, be tired, and feign sleep, but I wasn't really asleep. It's hard to explain unless you've been there and your mind doesn't shut OFF. You look up, the clock says 1:00a, and you know you've been awake all night. Anyone LOOKING at you might think you're asleep, but you're really not? So hard to explain.

So then I took 2 diet pills before breakfast, and then had an Egg McMuffin (300 calories). Geez, here I go. Back to counting calories again. (rolling eyes). For lunch, I went to Starbucks and had a venti nonfat sugar free hazelnut latte (I think about 120 calories - please correct me if I'm wrong?), because the caffeine takes away any hunger, and haven't been hungry since. Sure, I feel like I NEED Seroquel to ease my self inflicted anxiety, but I won't take it. HOWEVER, how in the world I'm going to sleep, I have no clue. I've had about 1/2 of a Protein Bar for dinner - 150 calories. I just can't eat anymore of it....

I was SO STUPID! I thought..."I'll just go buy a couple of pairs of size 8 pants to wear until I lose 10 pounds..." and went to Ann Taylor's Loft. Well, duh....when I was trying on clothes, what do you think I thought? That I was TOO FAT! Everything I put on looked horrible, so of course I couldn't BUY any clothes. I can't wear my 4's, I have few 6's, maybe 1 size 8....I'm in trouble. I don't have a choice - and I gave ALL of my old clothes away just LAST WEEKEND! Can you believe that? What timing! I *have* to lose weight just to have clothes to wear to work!

My boss is FREAKING OUT. I work on a "draw" meaning....I get paid a really high commission, but I also pay my own salary by repaying it as I make "deals". Eventually, (hopefully), you've made so many deals that you've dug yourself out of the hole you get yourself in when you start and you're out of the "red". Well, I'm FINALLY "out of the red". My paychecks will start going up by about $300 - $400/paycheck (biweekly) the next time I get paid. That's really good, right? It will help us a lot. But I don't know why he's freaking! He's throwing out things like me wanting a base salary and giving me only 10% commission (AS IF!), or giving me a 10% bonus each time I made a deal, all of these creative ways to make me happy that I'm NOT ASKING FOR and have no clue why he's doing this. I know Older Woman told him she thought I wanted a base, but I don't at the expense of getting such a small commission. 10%. I was SO insulted.

I *did* get a call from a girl who just quit a few months ago and took 2 employees with her yesterday. She wanted to know if I would have lunch with her and her boss to discuss a position with her company. I thought..."why not?". I mean really...what could it hurt? So I told her "sure", and she said she'd arrange it with her boss. Then I got to work, and my boss was on FREAK #2. Friday night was FREAK #1, this morning was FREAK #2. All I can think is that he thought I was on a job interview yesterday, or he knows this girl called me?

Mark is flying home tonight. There have been tornadoes touching down ALL OVER THE PLACE where I live. Thank God it was yesterday and not today, or his flight would have been cancelled. He'll be home way after I go to bed, but I bet you a million dollars, not before I fall asleep.

I found this on YouTube. When I was in High School, I was a HUGE Christian (I'm still a Christian, just not as devoted - my life revolved around Jesus and "saving people" as an evangelical Christian). Another story for another blog entry. Anyways, I had this huge crush on a guy who wanted to be a minister - everyone looked up to him as a Christian. He gave me a graduation picture, and on the back, he put my favorite song on it, but it crushed me. It said "Friends are Friends Forever, if the Lord's the Lord of Them". Does anyone know old-school Michael W. Smith from the 80's?



That's about it. My anxiety is making me type WAAAAY too much. I guess I'm risking the chance of throwing myself into a hypomania? I just now thought about that...hmmm....

No!!

Oh. My. Gosh.

I weighed, and I now weigh 136. Yes, 136! My clothes aren't fitting (4's and 6's - well, duh they aren't fitting), my stomach is sticking out, people aren't even denying that I've gained a few pounds. That's because I've gained 10+ pounds!

I'm not suitable for public viewing.

It's been since Mark has been traveling, I think. And since I've increased the Seroquel. I need to ponder about WHY I've gained 10 pounds. And I need to figure out a way to get it off. And I need to go buy some 8's so I have something to wear, so my panty line doesn't show in everything.

I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm not crying, so that's a good thing. It COULD have been 140, right?

Oh. My. GOSH!!!!!!!!!

I'm totally freaking out. I'm still in shock.
Monday, April 23, 2007

*I* Am the One That's Mentally Ill????

What a bizarre day! I have no idea how I'm going to calm down and sleep. I'm all wound up.

Sometimes I wonder...*I* am the one with the mental illness? It seems like *I* am the only "normal" one!

The day STARTED strangely. Older woman and I met my candidate for a position at her company at Starbucks. He just wore a button up shirt and jeans but...whatever. His handshake was limp - big no-no of interviews - Broken Rule #1. I had already ordered myself and Older Woman our coffees because she'd never been to Starbucks before (can you BELIEVE that?), so I guess he snuck in and ordered something. While she was talking to him, he kept turning his head and looking towards the "coffee-makers". Finally Older Woman said "are you distracted by something?? Should we go outside?" (Broken Rule #2). And he said, "yes, I ordered a coffee...", and got up to wait for it. He obviously does not realize we can decide to pull him completely from the job and the interview process at any time before they give (and they won't) him an offer.

So we go outside. The whole time Older Woman is talking to him, he's looking down at his notebook. NO EYE CONTACT! (Broken Rule #3). So finally she said to him "I'm a professional at interviewing and helping people get jobs...I notice you have a problem with eye contact?". He just said he "felt like crap". You know what he asked about the job? What was the DRESS CODE. How many WEEKS of VACATION would he get. I told him DO NOT ask these things on your phone interview - they should know the opportunity is the most important thing to you, and we'll do the rest. Man, he's an idiot. And the thing is....he's not UGLY. He's very clean-cut. But his personality is so unattractive that it MAKES him very ugly outwardly. I find him disgusting, yet...if I remove myself from the situation, appearance wise, he's pretty Uptown-City-ish.

You would think if I got a new account, and a BIG ONE, my boss would be happy, right? No. Mark gave me the name and the number for the HR rep at his LARGE HUGE company he works for to get on the "vendor list", and I called and they are helping me so we can recruit for them and send them candidates. Do you know what my boss said? He said "that's my contact - I play basketball with him, and he said there are no openings". I said "Yes, there are. Mark has an open job right this moment as a matter of fact". He said "Mark who?". DUH. I said "Mark? My fiance? And for feedback, all I have to do is take the resumes home and show them to him at night - how much better could it get? And all the managers hate the HR Dept and he's going to share my info with them." As an owner of a company, he should be ecstatic, right? Nope. He's too competitive. I could tell he was pissed that I was getting in to the company that he'd been trying to get in for, seemingly, years. He ALMOST seemed as if I should "back off"? What an idiot! The guy has NEVER gotten him on the "vendor list"!

And THEN. This guy at work I don't like walked over to my desk, picked up my lotion after I just put it on, and picked it up and said "I need to get this for my girlfriend. Between you and I, it really turns me on...". What the hell? That's the second time he's mentioned my stupid lotion from Bath and Body Works. I REALLY like it, too, but now I feel uncomfortable wearing it. I have the shower gel, the lotion, the 24/7 tanning lotion, and the "fragrance mist", all in the same scent. But now...should I stop wearing it because of this jerk? I bought the whole collection because *I* liked it, I wanted something that smelled "clean" and not too florally, etc., and didn't want anything strong for the office like cologne or perfume. I told Mark and he said "that's an HR ISSUE!". I said "yeah, if we HAD an HR Dep't....". He said "yeah, well...if you want that company to be YOURS, it could be..." meaning file a lawsuit, I guess. I thought that was kind of funny. :-) I was just glad he didn't freak.

People can be SO STRANGE. Either I'm taking it the wrong way, or....it's a full moon?
Sunday, April 22, 2007

Stability

I'm doing really well (knock on wood)! Who knows how long this will last. Another day? A few days? A week? I know from experience it won't last for long. Something situational will happen that will send me into a tailspin like when my dog died. Perhaps I'm expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. I HAVE become quite negative lately.

I am eating SO MUCH, but I finally figured out WHY. I've been taking more Seroquel to sleep at night, which highly increases my appetite. I'm so afraid to weigh...but I need to badly. I know I will be back in the 130's...if I'm 135, I will freak out, but I guess at least it won't be 140? I'm really serious here, and I know it wasn't that long ago that I was 123.5. I'm back to taking 100mg of Seroquel a night, and even if I stay up all night, I'm not taking *any* more than that. I've GOT to get over this Seroquel up-age.

Since I'm doing so well, I think I'm going to make a "well" appointment to see my psychiatrist, and start our plan to cut back on some of my medications. I've only been seeing him, for years now, when I've had a "problem". That means he didn't want to change anything I was currently taking, and just add on to it instead. Now, I have 3 psychiatric conditions that are being treated: Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD, so I'll always take more than that Average Bipolar Jo-Leen, but here's a list of what I take, which some work for multiple disorders: Seroquel (of course), Geoden, Zyprexa, Buspar, Seroquel, Adderall, Klonipin, and Lamictal. I think last time we discussed discontinuing the Buspar and the Geoden. I'm totally fine with that. I *want* to keep the Zyprexa, Seroquel, Klonipin, Lamictal and Adderall. The Lamictal does wonders for my bipolar depression, Zyprexa evens out my moods, Adderall helps me concentrate, Seroquel keeps me from being physically painfully anxious, and klonipin...well, it just helps my brain shut off so I can sleep. Klonipin really doesn't do anything for me anymore besides that. If I could have a sleeping pill instead, I would give up the klonipin. How many people have you heard say they'd give up a benzo? I don't think I've ever heard THAT before!

Mark is home for the weekend, and he is SO INTENSE. Every little thing I do or say, he analyzes to death. He was disappointed that I didn't go more ga-ga that he was home. I was really happy to see him - I don't know what I could have possibly done more to show him that. He's okay now, but he leaves after work tomorrow for Chicago. He gets back Wednesday night, though. He's starting to want to quit his job because of all the travel - I think he's getting really lonely. What am I supposed to do with that? Since he'll be out of town, I'll try to work 3 12 hour days next week - make my boss happy and hopefully get more deals out of the extra week! I'm SO ON THE VERGE of making decent money at my job!

This weekend is pretty boring, except I met my goal of taking a shower! Yay! I got my car washed, took my new phone to Cingular (my coworker BROKE MY PINK RAZR!) and had them put the Sim card in to transfer my address book over, and have been playing the Sims 2 all weekend.

Pretty boring, huh?

Update

I'm doing really well (knock on wood)! Who knows how long this will last. Another day? A few days? A week? I know from experience it won't last for long. Something situational will happen that will send me into a tailspin like when my dog died. Perhaps I'm expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. I HAVE become quite negative lately.

I am eating SO MUCH, but I finally figured out WHY. I've been taking more Seroquel to sleep at night, which highly increases my appetite. I'm so afraid to weigh...but I need to badly. I know I will be back in the 130's...if I'm 135, I will freak out, but I guess at least it won't be 140? I'm really serious here, and I know it wasn't that long ago that I was 123.5. I'm back to taking 100mg of Seroquel a night, and even if I stay up all night, I'm not taking *any* more than that. I've GOT to get over this Seroquel up-age.

Since I'm doing so well, I think I'm going to make a "well" appointment to see my psychiatrist, and start our plan to cut back on some of my medications. I've only been seeing him, for years now, when I've had a "problem". That means he didn't want to change anything I was currently taking, and just add on to it instead. Now, I have 3 psychiatric conditions that are being treated: Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD, so I'll always take more than that Average Bipolar Jo-Leen, but here's a list of what I take, which some work for multiple disorders: Seroquel (of course), Geoden, Zyprexa, Buspar, Seroquel, Adderall, Klonipin, and Lamictal. I think last time we discussed discontinuing the Buspar and the Geoden. I'm totally fine with that. I *want* to keep the Zyprexa, Seroquel, Klonipin, Lamictal and Adderall. The Lamictal does wonders for my bipolar depression, Zyprexa evens out my moods, Adderall helps me concentrate, Seroquel keeps me from being physically painfully anxious, and klonipin...well, it just helps my brain shut off so I can sleep. Klonipin really doesn't do anything for me anymore besides that. If I could have a sleeping pill instead, I would give up the klonipin. How many people have you heard say they'd give up a benzo? I don't think I've ever heard THAT before!

Mark is home for the weekend, and he is SO INTENSE. Every little thing I do or say, he analyzes to death. He was disappointed that I didn't go more ga-ga that he was home. I was really happy to see him - I don't know what I could have possibly done more to show him that. He's okay now, but he leaves after work tomorrow for Chicago. He gets back Wednesday night, though. He's starting to want to quit his job because of all the travel - I think he's getting really lonely. What am I supposed to do with that? Since he'll be out of town, I'll try to work 3 12 hour days next week - make my boss happy and hopefully get more deals out of the extra week! I'm SO ON THE VERGE of making decent money at my job!

This weekend is pretty boring, except I met my goal of taking a shower! Yay! I got my car washed, took my new phone to Cingular (my coworker BROKE MY PINK RAZR!) and had them put the Sim card in to transfer my address book over, and have been playing the Sims 2 all weekend.

Pretty boring, huh?

Update

I'm doing really well (knock on wood)! Who knows how long this will last. Another day? A few days? A week? I know from experience it won't last for long. Something situational will happen that will send me into a tailspin like when my dog died. Perhaps I'm expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. I've HAVE become quite negative lately.

I am eating SO MUCH, but I finally figured out WHY. I've been taking more Seroquel to sleep at night, which highly increases my appetite. I'm so afraid to weigh...but I need to badly. I know I will be back in the 130's...if I'm 135, I will freak out, but I guess at least it won't be 140? I'm really serious here, and I know it wasn't that long ago that I was 123.5. I'm back to taking 100mg of Seroquel a night, and even if I stay up all night, I'm not taking *any* more than that. I've GOT to get over this Seroquel up-age.

Since I'm doing so well, I think I'm going to make a "well" appointment to see my psychiatrist, and start our plan to cut back on some of my medications. I've only been seeing him, for years now, when I've had a "problem". That means he didn't want to change anything I was currently taking, and just add on to it instead. Now, I have 3 psychiatric conditions that are being treated: Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD, so I'll always take more than that Average Bipolar Jo-Leen, but here's a list of what I take, which some work for multiple disorders: Seroquel (of course), Geoden, Zyprexa, Buspar, Seroquel, Adderall, Klonipin, and Lamictal. I think last time we discussed discontinuing the Buspar and the Geoden. I'm totally fine with that. I *want* to keep the Zyprexa, Seroquel, Klonipin, Lamictal and Adderall. The Lamictal does wonders for my bipolar depression, Zyprexa evens out my moods, Adderall helps me concentrate, Seroquel keeps me from being physically painfully anxious, and klonipin...well, it just helps my brain shut off so I can sleep. Klonipin really doesn't do anything for me anymore besides that. If I could have a sleeping pill instead, I would give up the klonipin. How many people have you heard say they'd give up a benzo? I don't think I've ever heard THAT before!

Mark is home for the weekend, and he is SO INTENSE. Every little thing I do or say, he analyzes to death. He was disappointed that I didn't go more ga-ga that he was home. I was really happy to see him - I don't know what I could have possibly done more to show him that. He's okay now, but he leaves after work tomorrow for Chicago. He gets back Wednesday night, though. He's starting to want to quit his job because of all the travel - I think he's getting really lonely. What am I supposed to do with that? Since he'll be out of town, I'll try to work 3 12 hour days next week - make my boss happy and hopefully get more deals out of the extra week! I'm SO ON THE VERGE of making decent money at my job!

This weekend is pretty boring, except I met my goal of taking a shower! Yay! I got my car washed, took my new phone to Cingular (my coworker BROKE MY PINK RAZR!) and had them put the Sim card in to transfer my address book over, and have been playing the Sims 2 all weekend.

Pretty boring, huh?
Friday, April 20, 2007

I'm Making Some Moolah - Finally! :-)

I'm so happy! I know this will sound boring, but I get a "draw" as a Recruiter, and I finally worked my way out of the "red"! Since I get a "draw", my commission plan is pretty awesome, and I've gotten 4 "deals" since last month, so it puts me about $10,000 in the black! Meaning....in my pocket! I don't know how they divide it yet - I think it's in 4 paychecks, but that means I can buy Mark's big screen television for his birthday from money *I* earned, and I want to take a vacation, too! No, I'm not spending all of it, but I *do* want to celebrate. Wait. I guess that would mean $10k towards our wedding, wouldn't it... Maybe that's what I'll put it towards instead of a vacation. It's going to actually be FUN going to work now knowing that I'm working for deals to put extra MONEY in my POCKET instead of just my normal paycheck! :-) Oh, and yeah, yeah, find people jobs too, of course. :-)
*****
Okay, my boss just called me on my cell (no surprise there, but he's probably surprised I answered this time). He asked if I wanted a base salary, but then my commission % would go down. He said Older Woman said I might. I told him I didn't know. He also asked if I wanted my "draw" salary to go up - I told him no. He didn't know how far in the "black" I am, but to be honest, I don't know EXACTLY, either. He told me to make sure to come to him if I ever get unhappy. See...this is what is wrong with Sales boss's. I don't know that they can ever GENUINELY like you. They only like you when you're a "producer", and then you're coddled. I told him I was worried about Bipolar Girl, and he went on and on about her - not in a mean way, but ended with "we may lose someone from our 'family' (he considered our company his family), but it may be good for her". He said he would never do anything, though, which is good. I didn't realize he had been helping her so much - with money, with candidates, everything. His opinion is that it's her ADD. She should have NEVER TOLD HIM THAT. Do you see why I don't tell people at work I'm bipolar? See what happens?????

Okay - here is what I wrote before my boss called:

Bipolar Girl is really worrying me. She asked for a black/red report, too, and found she is FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in the "red". I can't even comprehend getting 3 deals in one month just to hit "0". She actually cried about it today...I felt SO HORRIBLE. She's living on her own on what we make - our measly little paychecks - and she can barely afford to live. I told her I have Recruiting Agencies knocking down my door because of the type of IT Recruiting we do, and she's starting to get serious about looking for a new job. I think that's the best option for her, only....and as much as I've bitched about her in my blog...I'm REALLY going to miss her. We JUST NOW became friends, and she's going to leave me? I know that specializing in this particular type of IT pays really well, BUT...if she goes somewhere and makes this huge base salary but doesn't "deliver" like she isn't at our company, well...they're not going to keep her around long. I don't understand what the deal is, either. She works SO HARD it seems - harder than me, even? It's as if she's just not cut out to be a Recruiter or something? I say that now, but everything changes and it could be the other way around next month.

My gross earnings are standing at $29k this month, and if I can get to $38k by the end of June, my boss is going to pay for an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean for me! (and my coworkers who do the same, which I don't care for them to see me in a bathing suit, nor drunk). I'd HATE to be stuck with Account Superstar. OMG he drives me insane. He is so egotistical and stuck on himself, but I did the math yesterday, and found he makes over $300k yearly at our company. No wonder my boss kisses his ass.

Mark gets home tonight! The house is SUCH a mess - I need to start picking it up. And I've been buying stuff on my "emergency money". I always have $100 in my wallet in case of an "emergency", but I've been using it to buy things lately. Mark won't be happy if he figures it out - that's why I have my own account (allowance, I guess you could say). But I just bought him a bunch of stuff from Amazon for his b-day, and I don't want to waste it all! What if I want some new clothes?

OMG - I'm gaining so much weight. I don't want to step on the scale and find out how much!

Older Woman took Bipolar Girl and myself out to lunch today, and I had 2 beers - during a workday! Our boss lets us drink on Fridays - isn't that bizarre? I drove us to the restaurant, and because I RARELY drink, I had a good little buzz going on. I handed my keys to Older Woman to drive us back - for some reason, just the thought of getting a DWI freaks me out to no end. I told Mark, and he said I was being silly, but he doesn't understand. I really had a beer buzz. We had a good time, just talking and laughing. We need to get together and do things more often - outside of work.

That's about it - I probably talked about money way more than I should, but I don't know why no one else does. No one knows who I am, and the purpose of my blog is to record things for me to read later. If someone thinks I talk about money too much, well....I'm sorry? It's only one entry out of almost 400!
Thursday, April 19, 2007

Sociopath??????

Okay, I'll make this quick. Someone found my site by typing in "bipolar vs. sociopath". That's one of my hot buttons.

We are NOT EVIL!

A sociopath is "a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience."

That is not a person who is bipolar! We have a mood disorder! I'm waiting...just WAITING...for the Virginia Tech shooter to be labeled as a "bipolar off his meds". I just *know* it's coming. The media *loves* to explain heinous crimes away like these with that excuse.

Here's a bipolar "Of or relating to a major affective disorder that is characterized by episodes of mania and depression."

Where do you see that a bipolar has no morals, no conscience? My God, if anything, we have MORE empathy and are MORE sympathetic than your "average bear".

For me, taking my medication keeps me from adopting all of the homeless pets I see at the pet store on Saturdays, or at least crying about them. It evens me out. And that's being immoral or without conscience?

Whoever Mr./Mrs "bipolar is without morals or conscience may be", please keep studying about the disease! You have a long ways to go!

Thursday Morning Blues

I made it out of bed on time today! And I'm not seeing double! So thank God I'll be on time to work today.

Mark and I had a serious talk about him going to bars after dinner when he was out of town or in town. He said I was very intuitive because he has been depressed lately. He drinks when he's depressed. Several years ago, I had to "intervene" to get him to stop drinking and taking xanax. He was in a travel job then, too. I told him that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted - where we were going to bars after work, etc., and he agreed. His boss is a bad influence on him, but he thinks that just going to dinner with him in town or out of town should be enough - or at least, he said it ought to be enough. We'll see what happens. The main thing is to pull him out of this depression. Of course, I gave him the old speech "Alcohol is a depressant, and the worst thing you can do for yourself when you're depressed is...". I didn't realize how much he missed me, but he kept saying it over and over. It was really quite sweet, but it looks like he's having his own problems being away, just like I am with him being away myself.

So I got to work after 1:00p yesterday, and my boss didn't say anything to me. On the phone, he ACTUALLY said he hoped I was feeling better! I couldn't believe it! That is SO not like him! I'm not sending out very many resumes this month, and it's worrying me. There's just not many job to work on....

I'm supposed to have lunch with a guy from a company that does all of the technology I do on Friday, and have two calls to return from Recruiting Companies. The thing is...I've made almost $11,000 in commission this month....how do you just walk away from that? I feel like I can't...
Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Just Here

Mark and I made up...or rather, I'm not mad at Mark anymore - we had a long, good discussion. I came home around 11 because I was so tired this morning and slept until about 4. I'm going back to bed. NO, for once I'm not sleeping while medicated. I'm actually physically and mentally tired, and my mind is letting me sleep, can you believe that?

Drinking - But Not ME!

It's almost 2:00AM and I can NOT fall asleep! I've had enough of sleep problems, and it's too late to take more Seroquel. I took more Klonipin, but my stomach is in knots, and I'm finding I have a lump in my throat when I swallow from anxiety.

Mark is in Tulsa this week for work. The thing is....our relationship is going to a place that I never wanted it to go. He called tonight around 10:00p, and said he was in a bar with his boss having a beer. Now really, it's a Monday night...is that necessary? I never wanted a relationship where one or the other "hung out in bars". I even made a post about this a week or two back. I convinced myself that sure..he gets lonely when he's out of town, needs face time with his boss, blah blah. He just got there last night. How lonely can he BE?

It seems to me like his boss (and he's going along with it, or how do I not know he's the ringleader?) is taking advantage of the situation - being away from the wife, the kids, etc. He even made mention that the guys comment about women's body parts (!) but he had exactly what he wanted at home - blonde hair, long legs, etc., and that was all he ever was attracted to anyway? WTF? I wish I had the exact quote that he said. It was a compliment and an insult all wrapped up into one. On one hand, thank you, I'm attractive, on the other, you're looking at other women and comparing them to me and deciding they're like me, anyway, so why bother? Is THAT what he means? I know, you didn't hear it, and I don't remember exactly what he said and I get things twisted, but that was my UNDERSTANDING, which I was doing something at the time and couldn't comment.

Yeah, so that's one of the lesser reasons it bothers me he's out "having a beer" with..."the guys". It could be a couple of girls, too? He said he would call me when he got back to the hotel, and I told him NO, call me tomorrow. I think he is making a HUGE mistake drinking with co-workers. He keeps saying he is drinking one, then nursing "another" all night.

I guess you need to know the "history" here to see why I'm "freaking". Mark HAD a travel job several years ago. He went to Wichita and back - but would stay in Wichita for weeks at a time before flying home. What happened? He became an alcoholic and addicted to xanax. It seems to me like it started out with social drinking. He's an alcoholic - and look what he's doing? I didn't keep a blog then, so I can't copy/paste links, but it was bad. I have a right to be upset and mad and anxious. I called 911 on him when he took a whole bottle of xanax and drank an entire bottle of port! Yes, you read that right! Of course they took him to the emergency room! He was so drunk when he got off the airplane one time that I had to flag down a "go-cart" to take us to his gate. Many times he wouldn't be able to stand at the toilet and pee. He couldn't type. He freaked out that he couldn't find a FedEx that his boss sent him, when his boss never sent him one. He locked himself out of the house, and then spent 2 hours at Home Depot picking out a new lock, and doesn't remember it to this day. This was all within about a month's time.

I told him if he didn't stop drinking and straighten his act up, I was leaving, made a list of his behaviours, and we went to his psychiatrist. He agreed to everything on the list, we read it to the doctor, and the doctor asked me to leave the room. When I came back, the doctor had a plan - with him going to AA, and he gave me these sedatives to give to Mark at Mark's request, to make sure he didn't take too many of them. Mark totally stopped drinking and taking xanax for years. He slowly started drinking a beer with dinner for the last few years, but that's it. It really gave me a lot of anxiety the first few times he did it, but I grew to trust him more and more, although I've never been completely okay with it, and I don't allow alcohol in the house because I tell him...what's the purpose of drinking at home alone?

Now he's socially drinking at a bar in Tulsa OK on a Monday night? This is where I draw the line. This is where I say "hey, remember? You have a problem that we discussed....".

I don't know...how do I handle this situation, because GOD KNOWS, I can't go through this again. My world was ending back then. He is WILLINGLY putting himself back into that situation. He will RUIN us and everything we have built. I gave him an ultimatum back then - get sober, or I'm leaving. Would I have gone through with it? I don't know - it never came to that.

Where he's gone like this, I have no idea what he does. He could get drunk, take a girl home with him, and I know he has absolutely no memory when he drinks like that. That's not HIM, he wouldn't do that, but I question whether he would in this situation.

I have no clue what to do, if there's even anything I CAN do, and it's really bothering me tonight.

Sure, tonight (once again) it's just "we went to a place to have a beer"...a BAR, of course, but week after week? I only have so much patience.

Maybe some think I'm over-reacting, and that's fine. For their lives, that's okay. But this isn't the kind of life *I* want for myself. And it's NOT okay.

I just need to figure out what to do about it.
Sunday, April 15, 2007

More Seroquel

Mark's flight was cancelled Friday night, so he got home on Saturday morning. He had to leave the house by 5:00p today to make his next flight, so we spent just a little over 24 hours together. I really miss him.

I've taken so much Seroquel that I can hardly type. But I can't sleep. I got up to EAT, but eating at night makes me sleep. I feel sick now, but hopefully I'll be able to sleep. I read somewhere that you CAN actually OD on Seroquel. I haven't read about anyone DYING, but people going into a coma, etc. That's the last thing I'd want. If it meant being in a coma for the rest of my life, I'd rather just die. I guess I should fill out one of those forms - if I'm brain dead, pull the plugs?

So you're probably wondering WHY I took so much Seroquel. I remember before Mark left, and especially after he left, I felt a lot of anxiety, so I just took about 500mg. My anxiety gets REALLY unbearable, but see...I don't let myself feel it. At least, hardly ever.

I contemplated driving to the corner store once again for some munchies, but in this condition, I absolutely KNOW I could hit a person on the side of the road, hit another car, or get a DUI.

I have this problem with anxiety - my doctor calls it an "anxiety disorder", and it gets physically painful It's so bad that I actually can't work or anything!

So I OD'ed on Seroquel. What other choices do I have? I've told my doctor. His great idea is always "more Seroquel" anyway.
Friday, April 13, 2007

Always Drama...

This is going to sound SO STUPID!!!

I'm home by myself, and I had heard this morning when I was getting ready for work that we were supposed to have really bad weather this afternoon and tonight. I made a mental note of it, and even told Mark that his flight from Chicago back home might get cancelled due to bad weather. TWO weathermen on my radio station that I listen to on my way to work said they'd be "in" all day, and I thought, what's up with that? Why be so uptight about something that may or may not happen?

So...I start hearing low "wailing" outside - I opened the door and noticed my neighbors outside looking at the sky, too. It was the wind? The clouds were whisking by so quickly, and the birds were flying different directions - not in a flock. I was wondering if they were going to hit each other. It was weird.

I'm still scared, actually.

I called Mark and found out his plane had been delayed coming home for 2 hours - he didn't know why, and I told him why. I got off the phone, opened the door to the balcony, felt the cool wind blowing in, and I saw the most bizarre thing. It was a blinding white light, and I could FEEL it, and it scared the SHIT out of me. In reaction to it, I slammed the glass door shut. As an afterthought, I locked it.

It was hailing by then, and I was talking to Mark about it on the phone. I was thinking "this weather sure seems especially bad, even though it's not pouring down rain yet...." and the land line rang. My friend from work (Older Woman) asked if I knew that a tornado had touched down "on top of me". I told her no, but I was scared as hell. She started telling me what to do in a tornado warning, and it seemed so...."Kansas" to me. I felt like I was back in Kansas in grade school, and it seemed so unnecessary. I told her "you don't really think I should do all THAT, do you? People don't really DO that, right?", but she just kept talking. It was so surreal.

Then the "city" (I guess?) sirens started blaring, and rain started pouring down in sheets. I saw the sheets of rain in our backyard GRASS - normally I see it on pavement? It was hailing really hard, but the hail was small enough (I think). I only felt safe while Mark was on the cell phone with me. I know that sounds weird, but I feel safe when Mark's here. So just being on the phone with him, I felt like everything was okay.

I got off the phone to check the Weather Channel, and of course, both satellite dishes were out. The internet connection was up (I have no idea how these things work), and I found that yes, a tornado really had been sighted somewhere within 2 miles or so of me 15 minutes earlier. I called Mark back to tell him, and when he answered the phone, I heard him booking a hotel for the night (he wears his earpiece all the time like a dork) at the Admiral's Club. He asked if I was okay, if everything was alright....I told him yeah, I was just really scared, but by then, the rain was getting slower and the wind wasn't so fierce.
*******************

Okay, enough drama. That was an hour ago.

I heard a helicopter overhead a few minutes ago, and thought, are you frickin' crazy? You're flying right where a tornado was seen (it was headed in the exact direction) when there's a tornado watch? And all flights here have been cancelled - when the airport is about 30 miles away? I know, you're thinking...maybe it's the "weather people" (whoever these little weather people/storm trackers are). It's PITCH BLACK outside. I don't think you can see a tornado at night, can you?

I'll read this tomorrow and laugh at what an idiot I am.

I made a placement today! Which is great!

*BUT*. And this is a big *but*.

Before I placed him, he gave me references, and one of them he referred to me as someone who would like to work at the same company. I'll call this guy "Jerk", and at first, he seemed exactly like Leukemia Boy and Swedish Guy (Swedish Guy being the guy I just placed). Very well spoken and well educated, and the more I talked to him, I was thinking...yeah, he's the same "type" this company will want. You just KNOW.

This was maybe...Monday? Tuesday? I liked Jerk - he was really nice, and we chatted quite a bit -mostly about his background that was pertinent to the job, nothing unprofessional at all.

I found out he goes to MY gym, and lives in the lofts above MY Ann Taylor store. So basically, he's in "my" space. If I were to meet him, I'd never be able to avoid him after that.

He and I worked together all week to get every bit of information this company requires (and it's a LOT) for their "committee meeting" on Thursday (yesterday), where they decide who they want to interview for openings, IF anyone. I don't take it lightly, which is why I believe I'm being so successful in placing people at this company. At least an entire day's work went into it for Jerk, I stayed late, Older Woman stayed until 8:30p one night, and we didn't make it. They had prepared everything the afternoon before, so it would have to wait until next week.

So...Jerk calls me on Thursday to check on the status. Now KEEP THIS IN MIND. How many times have you applied for a job and sent in your resume? How many times have you NOT BEEN CALLED AT ALL by that company? Plenty, right? In essence, all I did was submit his resume to the company. Yes, there was a lot more work, but basically, that's all we did.

So...not without hesitation, I begin to tell him that we didn't make the deadline. Get this! He gets MAD at ME! He proceeds to tell me that I "sat on it" and didn't make the deadline, so he wasn't going to get the "Team Lead" job (Yeah, just a Team Lead you're thinking, right? At this company, it pays $130k + a 50% bonus of the base yearly!). But what makes it WORSE is that his FRIEND, "Swedish Guy" - was going for that job. This was yesterday, before we knew Swedish Guy got the job. So basically, Jerk wanted his resume in front of the Hiring Authorities so they could see it and hopefully get Swedish Guy's job instead of Swedish Guy - who referred him to begin with!

I was speechless. I was just trying to calm him down and didn't have time to process how mad I was. I told him, because this was yesterday, that I didn't KNOW that the Team Lead job was filled, and that there were plenty of Sr. Developer roles as well. He was PISSED, and he let me know it.

Now...I normally don't think this way, but I am this time. *I* work for *him* for FREE. I did all of this work, and he tells me off? Older Woman had to call him for me because I was too upset, and she knew he was upset and she had to calm him down. I told her I refused to meet him because I didn't want to bump into him everywhere afterwards, and she told me I was going to have to "pull up my big girl pants" and meet him. :(

Older Woman spoke to the IT Recruiter at the company today and asked if there were any more Team Lead jobs after we found out they made an offer to Swedish Guy, and they actually mentioned Jerk's name and said he would be good for this particular Team Lead position in another group from Swedish Guy. He's a back-stabber! He has no morals! He's a JERK!

I don't want to meet him.

Why should a guy like that get such a great job? I know I don't have to like every candidate I work with and place, but....he has a lot of nerve telling me off. Older Woman said he had the right to be disappointed and to give him a few days, but I can't get over him back-stabbing his own friend and trying to steal his job.

Yeah, the fees are really high at this company, and I'm sure I'd get over the immorality issue of it with the bling, but...he really wants to come in and meet us. He was going to come in on Friday, and when I told him we missed the deadline, he said in a huff "Well I guess there's no reason for me to come in tomorrow NOW! I'll just come in NEXT week." I never ASKED him to come in to our office to meet us in the first place - HE is the one that wanted to do it so badly! I just said "ok - it would be good to meet you, anyway." I mean really, what am I going to say? It's not imperative that I meet him. And obviously, I don't WANT to now!

We'll see what happens with this one...

I think Bipolar Girl is "manic", and she's having a touch of "bipolar rage". I'm trying to help her. She's sending scathing memos to my boss about everything and anything. I heard her typing away at her keyboard for the THIRD time in a huff, and I asked her, as a favor to me, that before she hit "send", that she wait about 5 minutes, then re-read what she wrote before she sent it. She then asked if, before she sent it, if I would read it instead and make sure it was okay. I heard her changing it up a bit, read it, and then gave my go ahead. I can only do my best to help her, and I WANT to help her, just like I would want someone to help me. But I would want them to help me without TELLING me I'm "manic" or whatever. She may not be, and she has legitimate reasons for being upset. I just think she's really over-reacting.

Always drama, always drama...

My Blog

You know, I'm so happy I have my blog. I've grown and learned so much about myself from it, and because I don't talk about my illness to anyone, it's a great outlet. I've met a lot of wonderful and supportive bipolar blog friends who actually UNDERSTAND me!

An email from a girl who is bipolar made me realize just how important my blog is to me.

What people I know DON'T know about me is that....being "okay" means so much more to me than they will ever know. To them, being just "okay" is probably taken for granted. To me, being "okay" is what I strive for every day. Right now, at this very moment, I know I'm blessed with being "okay", maybe better than "okay". Who knows how long it will last...a week? A day? A month? That's why I don't take it for granted. The smallest thing can be a "trigger" for me...and they don't even know. Not only that, but when my mood DOES change, even slightly, I'm constantly analyzing it. "Am I starting to get depressed, or is this [normal]"? I feel really happy and excited...am I starting to get manic? Hence, my blog - to see if there's a pattern, or if it's just that day or week.

On another note, my boss is royally kissing my butt. He should, I've gotten a LOT of interviews for his accounts.

And this guy who is "out to get me" at work - I just don't understand why he doesn't like me. He is constantly tearing down the way I do things to people. Yes, once again, I know how paranoid and delusional that sounds, but I verified it with a coworker. I'm much stronger than I used to be, and I think it's because I have so much respect at work. I don't try at all to get him to like me - I'm not a *people pleaser* any more. I could care less if he likes me or not. What's important is that *I* don't like *him*, and that's huge for me. He's the one that sent the email to another coworker to grab a candidate before I did, for no good reason! I don't even know him, and had no idea what he had against me!

Yesterday I tried to help him, and he called the Account Manager tearing down the way I tried to help him. The Account Manager took up for the way I did what I did, he argued about it, and the Account Manager just gave up and told him to do it however he wanted, thinking he was stupid since I was so successful with that particular account. I'll never help him again. He only asked for help because the Account Manager TOLD him to ask me. Maybe he's jealous because my boss likes me so much? It's actually getting ridiculous about the favoritism my boss is showing in front of everyone.

Speaking of my boss! Older Woman said she had a private conversation with my boss, and she mentioned people were thinking of leaving the company, and he really didn't comment about anyone, and then he brought my name up, and she said it was like a lightbulb went off in his head. She said he said maybe I would like a base PLUS commission. She said she didn't bring up, and she didn't mention it until later, and then said "you know, I think KansasSunflower did mention to me once that she wanted a base plus commission once to me". She told me to start thinking about a "figure" in case he comes to me about it. I told her I was afraid my commission would go way down, but she said it shouldn't go down THAT much. My commission right now is awesome, but if it was still high, PLUS a base, I would be ecstatic. He's already given me a 5% raise in my commission when he found my resume on monster.com, but what he doesn't know is that I put my resume on careerbuilder.com, which he doesn't have an account.

Speaking of work, it's time for me to start getting ready....I know it's boring reading about my work stuff, but I'm simply recording what's going on for later reference for myself...
Thursday, April 12, 2007

Weighed

Last week's weight: 133 (I TOLD you I'd been gaining!)

This morning's weight: 127.5 (I have no idea what the difference was, but it's still more)
Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Stupid Mistake

American Idol: Is it just me, or was Sanjaya REALLY good tonight, and...dare I say...kind of HOT? God forbid I *ever* get a Constantine Obsession again. I honestly thought I was going to need counseling over that! I did have the video, but they took it off YouTube. He royally *SUCKED* before last night. I mean...BAD. Too painful to watch. I actually enjoyed his performance last night.

I was SO excited tonight, and now I could just kick myself for what I've done. I've written about a company I recruit for in the past - how wonderful it is and how easy it is to sell people to work there, and how I jokingly say - "hey, once you're hired, get me on!", and laugh. It's just ridiculous. High base salaries, 50-100% yearly bonuses, FREE benefits, catered (once again, free, of course) daily breakfast and lunch, lush offices in the top floor of an upscale hotel...the list is endless...

I was looking for a job description for a candidate, and what did I find? A new job posting for....a Senior Recruiter! I chided the Account Manager and asked her why didn't she tell me? She knew that we always joked about working there! The Account Manager is "Older Woman" that I refer to in my blog and whom I consider to be a good friend. She is one of the few people that know I want to leave. She said she already knew it was there and had printed out the job description, but hadn't said anything. She said something so bizarre. She made a comment about when the internal IT Recruiter at the company one day was short with her and made her feel stupid. I remember that day, and she was upset about it for about a week or longer - I think she's still a bit traumatized? Maybe I'm wrong. She pointed to the bullet point that said "quick acting", or something like that. I was perplexed. Now I wonder...did she not tell me because SHE wants the job, or because she doesn't want ME to leave?

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I sent my resume, and afterwards, I opened it to see if my company's name was on it, and realized I misspelled the first name (a common name) of my company! There were the red squiggles under the word in red! Great. A Recruiter who doesn't pay attention to detail and can't even spell the name of her own COMPANY correctly. And...I never finished my degree, and they're degree whores (Mark's term, not mine, for companies who place more emphasis on education than either/or).

If it wasn't meant to be, then....it wasn't meant to be. I just realized...that job was posted on April 5th...today is the 10th...Older Woman has had 5 days to tell me about that job.

I could always call the guy with leukemia whom they all LOVE that I found for their company and ask him to put in a good word. They asked for 10 more just like him, and the Account Manager told me to find them! But...that's really going to too much trouble. And...really...she has the relationship with the company. To the company, it looks like SHE found him, not me.

Maybe I'm just meant to suffer silently in hell forever. Then again, how do I know...the grass always looks greener on the other side...

On a brighter note, a guy I sent for a Technical Team Lead/Technical Manager role looks like he'll get it AT THAT SAME COMPANY (I'm telling you, I'm a GREAT Recruiter for this company) - the offer should come on Friday, if it does. Another company is hiring another one of my candidates, affectionately called the "psycho" around the office, and today an Account Manager and a company were haggling over *another* one of my candidate's hourly rate. I had to call and beg him to go down $5/hour. He's SUCH a sweetheart...he just said "everything's negotiable, KansasSunflower - that's not a big deal". I guess when you're going down from $95/hr to $90/hr, it's mere pennies to them at that point, right? If this all actually "goes down" this week, this will be a phenomenal week for me financially. Yeah right...as if I'll ever see a penny. Who am I kidding? My boss has me handcuffed somehow, someway.

I put my resume on careerbuilder.com tonight - WITH my name on it. Yes, I'm doing very well right now, but I think I should be doing *way* better than I am financially. I should be in the six figures, and it pisses me off that I'm not. Mark keeps telling me to be patient, but...I don't know that it will happen at this company.

A lot of whining, I know. Yes, I'm grateful I have a job, and one that I like the people, I don't have to be at work at 8:00 on the dot which is very stressful for me, la-de-da. But sending my resume with the first name misspelled of my company and ruining my chances of getting a job at that firm has really gotten to me. I'm very hard on myself when I expect something to be PERFECT and it's not. I'm selective about what I'm a perfectionist about, but my job? That's numero uno. I just shouldn't have done something so STUPID. Now I've ruined my chances of ever working there EVER. I can't ask Older Woman to put in a good word for me...I really don't think she will, and if she did, I doubt it would matter.

Damn the word Technical! :-) Of ALL WORDS. An Information Technology Recruiter misspelling the word "Technical"?????? What an idiot.
Monday, April 09, 2007

Up, Up and AWAY!

Oh my Gosh - what am I going to do? It's after 10:00p, I've taken my nighttime meds, with an extra Seroquel and Geoden, and I'm sitting here dancing my butt off and loudly singing John Mayer lyrics to YouTube videos, getting excited about the June concert. I'm supposed to GO TO SLEEP??

I feel like I did when I was a kid...where I would just talk and talk and talk and talk and was just ecstatically happy. I would laugh and laugh - everything was so funny and expressive and original and interesting and...I felt so GOOD and ALIVE.

And I'm supposed to GO TO SLEEP? My stomach is jumping around in my belly from....happiness? But over WHAT?

If I'm not careful, these are the kind of days that I make poor judgement calls. I just "go with the flow"...whatever "feels good"....I try to "feed the feeling"...does that make sense?

I'm going up the stairs now to bed...feeling like I just drank 2 or 3 pots of coffee...

I hope I'm not "back" to describe what I'm feeling in a few hours...

And, I hate Jessica Simpson. Do you blame me? :-)


My Dad's Emails

I'm going to make this a post about my Dad. What do you THINK of him? I was livid with him yesterday because of the email he sent me. What was it? It's below.

He includes me in a MASS email yesterday to "Undisclosed Recipients". I can't even BELIEVE what it says.

From MY DAD, THROUGH EMAIL YESTERDAY to, once again, "undisclosed recipients":


"Sarah (my sister) is in the intensive care unit at Hospital. She had an infection that led to extremely high blood sugar and a condition that was life-threatening. She become almost comatose, and paramedics came and rushed her to the hospital. She has been there for two days. I just got back from seeing her a few hours ago, and she is improved. But still in intensive care. If anyone wants to contact her, the phone # is XXX. There is a security code of XXX that must be given to the nurse before they release any information about her, or put the call through to her. I expect her to be moved out of intensive care, and into a regular room tomorrow, Easter, if she continues to improve. She is now capable of talking on the phone, if not sleeping."


Does that not deserve a telephone call to your daughter about her sister? What is WRONG WITH HIM?

Seriously, what is wrong with him? And if you're wondering, yes, there is mental illness on that side of the family. I'm simply warning you as you read on....

Let me share the last 3 personal emails he's sent that were NOT FORWARDED JOKES, as I get about 10 of them from him each day, to "Undisclosed Recipients":


"So, anyway, Our computer is going to be out of commission for several days. Mary is redoing the floor in the room where the computer is, and it will be taken apart and stored for awhile.

Not that it matters.

I rarely ever get e-mails from my "family" or "friends" anymore. I just sit here, hour upon hour, continually hitting the "send/receive" button, hoping against hope that I might receive some personal message. And time after time my newly spawned hope is dashed again and again, and I sit here awash in loneliness wondering,"Do they remember me? Do they ever think of me?" Then after more "send/receive" disappointments, I begin to wonder, "Do I really exist? Am I real? Nobody else seems to notice me!" And I am left to wonder, hope, hit the "send/receive " button.

Over and over and over again.

Endlessly.

Despairingly.


Well anyway, I will be relieved of that depressing task for the next few days.

So, farewell to thee, my imaginary "family" and "friends" whether you do indeed exist or not, as do I. (or not) ----SIGH!"



And the one, that was not a JOKE, before that:



"So, little girl, about six weeks or even longer ago, we pledged to communicate more with each other. I have sent you absolutely TONS of stuff, some of it even good stuff. And, to be fair, ask yourself how much communication have I gotten from you? Huh? What was that?

Okay now, , you get honest now. Is the reason you don't have time to communicate with your poor, old, blind, diabetic, crippled father whom you know could go at any minute and you would feel guilty for a long time that you are running a prostitute-call girl ring out of your home and computer? Online "dates?" Does Mark know about this? Is he driving the girls to their appointments? That's the only reason I can think of that would possibly be an excuse for not comforting a one-eyed old fat man in great physical pain. Come on, now, confession is good for the soul. "Fess up, girl.



I don't even know how to communicate with him because he's so inappropriate. How is he inappropriate, you ask? My Lord, where do I start? Sending me a mass email about my sister almost dying? Calling me a pimp? Giving me a guilt trip? Sure, he means to be funny and I "get" his sense of humor, but at the same time, I know he's being "for real", and throws his own pity parties. He REALLY thinks all of those things about himself. I can only do so much, and I think a phone call about my sister would have been the right thing to do.

I wonder...am I *like* him? Because...we are a lot alike, yet...he's so...well, inappropriate. I don't know what other word to use!

Today was a good day. I got up at 5:00a - got dresssed, ready, was at work by 7:00a, and left at 7:15p. Day 1 of 3 days of 12 hours.

I actually felt good today. I may make 3 job placements this week, which is REALLY good! I'm so excited, that now I'm worrying again that I won't be able to fall asleep.

Sleep is a huge issue for me right now. I just can't sleep! Sometimes it doesn't matter how much Seroquel I take, I won't sleep, and I'll still wake up at the same time in the morning.

Television is TOO SLOW. I've tried watching my fave shows - Dancing with the Stars and the Bachelor, and I've found myself sitting here thinking.."Come ON ALREADY - pick it up!", but I know that they're going normal speed. Does that make any sense? It's too slow and boring. I think I'll use YouTube to occupy my mind. You'd think I didn't take Adderall! I guess it's worn off by now, huh?

Mark is out of town - at some "resort" in St. Charles, IL for Managers at his company. I only wish I could be so lucky. I don't think I've ever BEEN to a resort. Does the Atlantis in the Bahamas count? If it does, then...okay, I have. But my company didn't pay for it.

So how is my sister? I don't know...I'm thinking of "replying to all" and finding out from the undisclosed recipients.
Sunday, April 08, 2007

Strung Out

Okay, this is ridiculous and down right tortuous. I can't fall asleep. I'm less anxious, but I should be KNOCKED OUT by now. I took 6 (600 mg) Seroquel, laid in bed for a few hours, and couldn't sleep. So I got up, debated about driving to the "corner store" to get something to eat, and decided against it because I didn't want to chance getting a DUI. So I just took 2 MORE Seroquel, am eating Velveeta Mac n Cheese, and all of the rest of my nighttime meds.

I have to be at work a 7:00a. I wonder if I'll fall asleep by then? If I do, I wonder if I'll be able to wake up?

I am SO OUT OF IT. I looked at myself in the mirror when I was contemplating going to the "corner store", and my eyes look like I'm strung out, whatever being "strung out" on drugs looks like.

Mark's still at his parent's for Easter.

Okay, back to bed I go...

Anxiety

I seem to be experiencing symptoms of my anxiety disorder right now. My anxiousness is almost to the point of being overwhelming, I can't figure out a reason for it. I took my entire daily dosage of klonipin over 30 minutes ago...and...nothing. I don't quite understand how or why people abuse it. Maybe if it actually WORKED on me again, I would "get it". My anxiety is getting so bad that I'm totally considering taking enough Seroquel to knock me out for the rest of the day. I need relief!

It seems like I'm taking a lot of Seroquel lately. Perhaps my anxiety disorder is getting out of control. But for what reason? I suppose there doesn't need to be one. If I were to go see my doctor, I already know what he would do. Increase my Seroquel, and tell me to take some during the day as well. How do I know? Because it's happened over and over. What do I do? I skip taking the daily dosage, and increase the nightly dosage, try to use klonipin during the day, and eventually I get through it. The second I'm better, I take myself off the increased dosage. Why? It increases my appetite GREATLY, and I HATE it for that.

I'm actually so anxious, I keep going to the bathroom. My head feels like it's spinning. My stomach is all in knots. I feel like I could throw up.

Mark leaves for Chicago tomorrow night after work, gets back late Friday night for the weekend, and then leaves the next Monday after work for Tulsa. So basically, I won't see him for 2 weeks. We don't get along very well when he's not here. And I promised my boss I would work 3 12's this week (3 7:00a - 7:00p days). Working that much can be a trigger for bipolar symptoms to me. I don't know why, but I've read stress and messing with normal sleep/wake patterns are huge triggers for bipolars. Work has ALWAYS been a "trigger" for me, especially into depression.

My life is SOOOOOOO boring. At least I accomplished my weekend goal - I took a shower! :-) BUT...my sense of smell is distorted. I SMELL myself as if I haven't showered? What is WRONG with me? I even put on a bunch of Bath and Body Works lotion hoping to cover up the "smell", but it didn't work?

I think I'll head to the bathroom because of my anxiety now...this sucks. I'm actually almost shaking. Perhaps Seroquel really is the answer today. It's better than being desperate.
Friday, April 06, 2007

Bipolar Girl

I'm home this morning because, ONCE AGAIN, I took too much Seroquel too late last night and couldn't drive into work this morning. Is that twice in a few week's time? I'll have to look back in my blog. It's only 8:30a right now...I'll just take a shower, put my hair in a messy bun, and run to work. We don't have to be to work until 8:30 on Fridays anyway. I think part of the problem is that I drank coffee at work late last night and then I couldn't sleep. For some reason, Seroquel then effects me the next morning? I wonder why that is...

I've put on weight. I haven't weighed since earlier in the week, and I believe I'm "hormonal" right now although I haven't started for sure, but it's like...7 pounds? I don't understand it! WHY am I so hungry all of the time? WHY am I making such poor food choices? Bipolar Girl said she had gained weight, too, and will actually have to go up a size in shorts for the summer. That's to be expected, though. In my blog, I used to call her "Eating Bipolar Girl".

Speaking of Bipolar Girl, I've gotten to be pretty good friends with her. Bizarre, huh? She's *so nice*, but not to everyone, and I always thought it was. The thing is, and I know this is why I used to despise her so much, is that she's SO ME. TOTALLY.

When she is really "up", I see her not being able to get the words out of her mouth fast enough. She laughs too loud and too hard, and she's so easily distracted.

Her parents are dead, just like mine are "non-existent".

She gets anxiety so bad, for even months at a time, that she can only take a few nibbles of food each day, just like me.

Her bipolar symptoms are SO THERE, and I recognize each and every one, and can relate. I would even say she has the same fears of abandonment and intimacy that I do. That's what I'm trying to say. SHE is ME. I've never known someone who is like looking into a mirror emotionally.

I haven't told her I'm bipolar, too. I still say I'm not taking a chance and telling her, because there's no "benefit" from it in the workplace. If we didn't work together, I would definitely have already told her. But...had we not been forced to sit next to each other, and I mean RIGHT NEXT to each other at work, there's no way I would have let my defenses down and become friends with her. She annoyed me way too much. And I knew all along it was because she reminded me of me. I guess that proves what I think of myself, huh?

I don't know if it's a benefit or a hindrance to see a bipolar, who is so much like you and not on medication, every day. It's a constant reminder. I know some are thinking "wow, you actually know someone that you can relate to and understand you", but it's not quite like that at all. If we didn't work together, and she knew and shared her bipolar symptoms with me, I would lose my patience with her very easily, I already know it. My symptoms are OVERWHELMING, I obsess, and I'm sure she does too, and I wouldn't get a moment's peace. How selfish, huh? Especially when she has no one? I would have no one, too, if it weren't for Mark. I TOLD you we were alike.

I only shared a tiny bit of information with her last night - my parents - and that I get anxiety just as bad as she did, and also said that it was a good idea for us to go and have a drink after work next week since Mark was out of town, and she was *so* excited. She actually linked arms with me on the way out of the door to go home! It's was like she was on cloud 9, but I can't say it was totally because of me. She was just "up" - bipolar "up", after being down, bipolar "down", for most of the day. Perhaps she feels good knowing someone can *understand* how she feels? I can't say it doesn't make me feel good that someone understands me, too. She may be suspicious, or even know, that I'm bipolar. She could have overheard me one day calling in my prescriptions.

My boss is KILLING me. In our meeting yesterday, he kept singling me out to everyone, like..."KansasSunflower always does this" and "KansasSunflower is good about that". People wouldn't meet my glances. I don't know if he was trying to create competition? Just the day before, he was trying to get me to compete with Bipolar Girl, and I told him I didn't like competition (not a good thing in sales, eh?), and that I was happy for her when something good happened, and wanted to stay that way. Older Woman said he might have been doing that because he wanted to make me feel good since he knew I was thinking of leaving. I HATE when he does that because people literally have disdain for me when he does that. I suppose it does cause competition, but then it's against ME, the person who doesn't want to compete! Yes, I just got a deal with him, but so did another Recruiter!

Mark and I are getting along again. Carrie commented from my last post that when they she was traveling a lot for work, it was lonely at night eating by herself, and it was good to get face time with the boss. That's what Mark has been trying to tell me all of this time. It reminded me of when I was traveling for the Big-5, and she was right. It was VERY lonely, and it WAS extremely beneficial to get that face time in a non-work setting. So...his boss does it for him in Chicago, and he reciprocates when his boss is here. He NOW knows my issue, though, and this has been it all along. He should have CALLED me when he left the restaurant and went to the "bar", if I can really call it that. I can't explain what this place is really...but a bar is the closest thing to it. There I was, thinking he'd be home around 8, and he got home at 11:00 or 11:30! Trust me, he'll NEVER do that again.

I guess I'd better start getting ready for work. I think I've drank an entire pot of coffee now, and I don't want to miss any more work than absolutely necessary because of my disease. That's something that's very important to me - being able to hold down a job despite being bipolar. Yes, I know I'm going to miss work more than the average person, but I don't want it to hinder me, either. To be successful despite being bipolar is something I'm very proud of in myself.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Trouble in Paradise

I think this is such bullcrap, and if you think I'm dysphoric, say so. If you think I'm jealous, say so. If you think I'm unreasonable, say so. I know I haven't been sleeping, all indicators say I'm a bit manic, although I think taking all that Seroquel "pulled me together", but you never know.

I let Mark have it for going to the bar after dinner with his boss and coworkers yesterday and not calling me after he had dinner to let me know. He acted very innocent and as if I should have assumed or that I should have understood that would be the case. I'm sorry, but I didn't know grown people - at his level - go to dinner and then to a bar afterwards, expecting to get up at a decent time the next morning. We got into a pretty big fight when I was on the phone with him yesterday, and in my quiet little "room" with all of my coworkers within earshot, I let him have it.

He said this was part of his job, and if he was going to succeed and make Director quickly, socializing was going to have to be part of it. So I said..."you're telling ME that if I were a single mother with two kids that I had to pick up from school and couldn't go 'socialize' after work, that I wouldn't get ahead at your company?'". He said yes - sad, but true. I was beyond myself.

I told him it sounded to me like good reasons why grown men could go to a city other than where they live and have an excuse to "go out on the town" while they're away from their wives. His boss lives in Chicago, and I don't know where the others live.

I told him that I wanted a life of my own, which is true, I do. I wanted my own friends that will do things with me, hang out, whatever. He said of course, but...why didn't I ever want to hang out with him? As a matter of fact, on the weekends, why don't I even take a shower so we can go do something together? His feelings were clearly hurt, but I was too mad.

The really big truth is, I don't want him to go to the John Mayer concert with me -I want to go with Bipolar Girl, who LIKES John Mayer, and he can't stand him. I've tried telling him this, but it's like he thinks he has to be there so someone doesn't try to "pick me up". He's so jealous!

He said it would be a good idea for me to get a "life outside of him", and mentioned my coworker who is almost 60! Talk about insecure! I love her dearly, but that's not who I was thinking of "hanging out" with. She's a very young and very fun late 50'ish, but she has kids in their late 20's! I told him no, I meant Bipolar Girl. He didn't like that one bit, and pointed out she was trouble. I told him we were a lot alike, and she's fun, which she can be. I really don't care what he thinks of my friends. I told him I was tired of thinking he was working until 9 or 10 at night in Chicago, and then calling me when he was getting back to his hotel, when really he was out somewhere. I wasn't going to just be "home waiting" anymore.

It was a pretty big argument that hasn't quite blown over yet. We're not fighting, we're acting all "made up", but I'm still mad, so I guess we're not really yet.

My candidate called my boss, on the phone, "NEUROTIC"! HAHA - he actually told him that he was neurotic because he talked too much! My boss was so mad that he came over to tell me, and asked if I could BELIEVE what my candidate had said! I just said really? because...yeah, my candidate is kind of right. He had a good reason to say it, too. Because of my boss talking, he was 30 minutes late to his interview. But, my boss is neurotic in the fact that he says the same thing 5 different ways and won't shut up. We all know it, I've said it to his face more than once, but I've never, of course, called him a name. On top of that, with my boss hating my candidate, my candidate got the job! HAHA! So now, my controlling boss who wants to take care of every detail, doesn't really want to talk to my candidate, and when he does, unbelievably he keeps it to short sentences. This is with a company that pays big fees - I hope my candidate takes it.

A very intense interview another one of my candidate's has today would be another big fee. I've actually got a few good things going on, and now my "Recruiter's" recruiter is starting to call me with more jobs and interviews to line up, and I don't know what to do. I'm just not calling him back, which is a bad thing.

It's wrong that I don't do things with Mark, and then complain that I need a life outside of him. But he never takes me to as nice of places as he goes with his boss, and it's always the same 3 restaurants, the movies or the mall. I'm so TIRED of that. Do you think we go to some fancy restaurant and then to a bar? NO. I would get READY for that.

Oh yeah, I forgot about this. So Older Woman, the Account Manager, and I took my candidate to lunch so we could "prep" him for his interview today. I had a small salad because I knew I was going to be talking a lot, she didn't eat because she was sick, and he had a cheeseburger. It was a little over $12.00, and I paid. He saw it online, and asked, almost accusingly, what it was. I told him, and you know what I had to convince him of? That I wasn't CHEATING on him! I asked him why - are you cheating on me? Why is that the first thing on your mind when you see a charge from that restaurant for lunch? His wife severely cheated on him, and that's why he left her, so he's still very sensitive about it, but my God, 10 years later? And a $12.00 restaurant tab?

So no, we're not getting along well, but I KNEW this would happen when he started traveling. I even told him that, and wondered aloud if our relationship would last through his job. He suggested maybe he just quit - and I said maybe. Then he sat on the couch and sulked, saying he couldn't believe I was telling him to quit - but I didn't tell him to do that! Obviously he's already trying to decide in his mind which he would choose - me or his job, and it's been less than two months.

No, we're not getting along.

Followers

About Me

Fred Flintstone
View my complete profile

Search

Loading...

Blog Archive

Twitter - Follow Me!


Take My Button!

Photobucket