My "Night Out" On My Own

I just got home from having dinner at "Older Woman's" new place and with "Bipolar Girl". The funny thing is...Bipolar Girl went to a new psychiatrist today who told her she thought she'd been misdiagnosed! She still thought she had ADHD and put her on Adderall, which, trust me, she desperately needs.

I'm still a little "buzzed" from the wine and the Amaretto Sours (???) we drank, but we had a good time. Older Woman grilled steak and made potatoes, and we sat outside and drank and talked, gossiped, laughed, and pondered. I wanted to stay and help clean, but she said she worried about me and my bedtime (of 9:30p), so both Bipolar Girl (what the hell do I call her NOW?) and I went home.

Bipolar Girl's life is so interesting. She always has the most amazing stories to tell - she may be a "one-upper", actually. It's like she says...she doesn't have an "inner filter", and things just come tumbling out of her mouth that you don't expect...

That's about it, except I'm going straight to bed, and I just realized...what a damned boring life I lead.

Humpback Whales = Feast?

So the two injured humpback whales are back on their way to the ocean...I'm so happy.

I come from KANSAS, with FARMS, and grew up with people having cows and slaughtering their own animals, then eating them for dinner, and it was no big deal to anyone. It just wasn't discussed. There would be stupid stories like someone on my step dad's side of the family having a pet "cow", having it slaughtered, having a visitor over and feeding them a hamburger, and asking "How's Gus??" with a smile on his face. Yeah....whatever. (rolling eyes)

Before I can even remember how old I was, I couldn't eat eggs, because somewhere I got it into my head that it was the beginning of a baby chicken. Yes, I know I'm choosing the word "couldn't" instead of "didn't". I literally "could not" have eaten them, unless someone force fed them down my throat. My "egg scare" lasted way into junior high, at least. Perhaps about the time I learned about reproduction, maybe?

Next...I couldn't have been older than two - my entire family was trying to get me to eat meat. I remember sitting at the table with my mother and all of my relatives, and all of them looking at me saying "YUM...MEAT!". But I remember I didn't want any - and I'm sure I threw a temper tantrum. I just didn't WANT it. That wasn't once, though...I always felt like meat was being pushed on me in a dorky kind of way - like the adults were "tricking" me.

Even though I was 2, or even younger, I was very aware that what I put into my mouth was a living, breathing animal, like myself. You can laugh and say there's a difference, but not in my definition back then.

I still can't THINK about an animal and EAT meat, or even eggs. So what's the verdict for me? I eat very little meat, and that's why I eat so many of those protein bars, when people tell me they're sugar, they're this, they're that...well, at the end of the day, they're still a lot of protein compared to what I would be getting without them.

So when I see so much compassion for the humpback whales in Sacramento, I "get it" - totally. Of COURSE I understand.

But then I think...wait a minute. You're about to go have a chicken sandwich, a hamburger, a hot dog.

What's the difference? What makes one animal so different than another? Because you've grown up and been CONDITIONED that one is okay to eat for food, while the other isn't? And HEY - I was conditioned that way TOO! So what gives? What makes me, Kansas Sunflower, so compassionate about a COW or a PIG that I can't think about it if I want to eat meat, yet someone else feel nothing?

Veal is nothing more than BABY COWS not allowed to run around so the meat will be tender. WHO IN THE HELL ORDERS THIS STUFF??? Mark does, or shall I say...USED to....this *is* one tiny place I put my foot down. He can eat his meat, but he won't eat THAT in front of me where all I can do is look at it and want to cry.

When the whales showed up in Sacramento, why didn't they have a "feast"? Don't ask me, because I'm already confused. We capture tuna and eat it...

People say fish is okay to eat - well, what's a whale? A mammal, but so is mahi mahi (dolphin, right?), and people sure order it off the menu like nobody's business. I was appalled when a waiter told me what mahi mahi was and had to leave, and I hadn't even ordered!

Yes, I'm probably very difficult to live with. But I don't expect people around me to conform (Mark isn't expected to conform, just to "choose" a little differently once in a blue moon), and I don't preach, because I try to eat meat and not think about it as much as possible. We're SUPPOSED to eat meat, and you're a FREAK if you don't, right?

If I've been this way since time BEGAN for ME (I consider that to be my memories), then this must be truly who I am. We're talking about DECADES, and lots of time for my parents and elders and peers to screw with my head and "condition" me back to being normal.

I simply do not understand the compassion people feel for one thing, and not another. Yes, I will actually cry for a hurt cow. But...why would you NOT? You feel compassion for a dog who doesn't have a home and is sitting there in a cage at PetSmart with the Humane Society...

Yes, it's very confusing in my world.

Sorry....that's the first thing that came to mind when I read about the humpback whales.

And I'm not trying to make a statement about animals or anything! Just saying how I've always felt about eating them, and what makes me so different?


I was 2 and a half hours late for work this morning. I just couldn't wake up, and apparently, I didn't care. I remember both Mark and I wanting the same bathroom at the same time, and I guess I told him to go first and went back to bed. The next thing I knew, he was standing in front of me, fully dressed with his tie and shoes on, waking me up. I also remember dialing the numbers to my boss's phone, and I know it rang, but my boss said I didn't leave a message. I called about 9:00a and left a message (I have no idea what I said), got ready for work, and was there around 10:20. I had to "prepare" my candidate for his phone interview at 10:30, so I cut it really close.

All I know is I couldn't sleep last night, so it made me wonder if I even took my Seroquel and klonipin, so I took it, maybe AGAIN. Mark said it could have been because we got in the habit of staying up late and getting up late during the holiday. Yeah, but I got up BEFORE him every single morning of Memorial Day weekend, and he was able to get up, get ready, and be on time to work, with memory INTACT.

Probably making a mountain out of a molehill - we'll see what happens when I try to fall asleep tonight and when I get up tomorrow. He's gone for 2 weeks (but home this weekend), so I only have myself to rely on to get my butt to work.

To be honest, I'm just physically and mentally tired tonight. I hope it translates into sleep early this evening.

As for my huge plantar wart on my foot, I don't think my "aggressive" treatment with two medications (one for day, one for night) with duct tape is working. I know it hasn't been a week yet, but there are issues. Like...the duct tape doesn't stay STUCK to my foot. I pull out honkin' pieces of it and wrap it up all the way to the sides of my foot (but not over) and along the heel of my foot, but I can tell it doesn't stay "airtight", and it eventually just comes off. I never really LOOKED at it before I went to the derm, so who am I to say that it's not any smaller or if it's larger, but it doesn't seem to have changed.

I think when I go back to the Derm in about 5 weeks, it will be time to try Phase #2. He SAID I may think of him "as the worst doctor I've ever known", but that he'd rather me think of him that way than have painful surgery and scarring. What happens if I try all 3 of his "approaches", and it's still there? I've read about "laser surgery" - it seems like there is very little scarring and pain. Why can't I just have that?

I mean - laser surgery sounds like the answer for me - day surgery, and poof, gone for good. And I wouldn't have spent $200 for shoes to hide my duct tape (but it's too late for that, now!).

What is WRONG with my DOCTOR??? I want *results*...and NOW! Screw this waiting 6 weeks and maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I go to doctors for a reason - to take care of problems!!!!!

Yes, I know I sound grouchy. I don't care.

Tick Tock...

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam...
Cause sunbeams are not made like me.......

The only thing I've done over Memorial Day weekend is bought three pairs of shoes, which I *had* to do. That was it! The rest of the time was spent playing the Sims 2 or something else of equal boredom. Mark has been doing the same, but mixing it up with smoking cigars outside.

I had a horrible dream last night. My little brother and I were at day care in New York City, and it was 9/11/01 and the World Trade Center had been "demolished". It was then time to go home, and our mother never showed up to get us. I knew she worked in the building next to the World Trade Center, and I wondered what was going to happen to us. When I woke up, I realized that was a true reality for many children on 9/11. No one ever showed up to take them home.

Last night I took 200mg of Seroquel last night instead of 100mg to see if I could "chill myself out" a bit. I think I'm really uptight right now for some reason, and instead of bottling it up inwardly, my emotions are showing themselves on the outside. How? The eczema, my plantar's wart flaring up and hurting, my twitching eye that gets started and doesn't stop, road rage that I've never had before now....things that aren't MAJOR, but not normal for me, either.

I told my Dad about the eczema since my Derm said it was hereditary, and you know what he said? "Ohhhh...THAT is what I've had all of these years? How do I treat it, because I can't get a doctor to tell me...". He has the classic signs of eczema, and some really stupid doctors, but...he doesn't have much of a choice of doctors. He's on Medicare (Medicaid?), so he can't just say 'I'm going to the Dermatologist" and make an appt like I do, I don't think? I told him to go see his doctor and don't ASK, TELL him/her he has eczema, just like I *told* my doctor I had it. But...I may have a lot more experience TELLING a doctor what to do. He goes to doctors all the time for his glaucoma, diabetes, back, arthritis, (you get the picture), but I don't know why I don't think of them as "untouchable". Is it because I recruited them and know they have just as many problems as the rest of us, if not more? Or is it from experience with my psychiatrist?

I just need to CHILL OUT. But how? Why? What is it that I'm doing? Am I too competitive at work? Am I freaking out because Mark is traveling? I really do feel anxious a lot more - taking more and more of my klonipin, not able to sleep at night, etc.

I'm just not sure what to do, and it's not that big of a deal to change anything.

On that note, Mark will be gone for 2 weeks in a row (but home on the weekend) for work. I really didn't think it bothered me?

Once I put the medicine on my plantar's wart (about the size of 2 quarters) and duct tape on it, everyone can see the duct tape. Mark now says whenever he sees duct tape on someone, he'll think "wart!" (as a joke, but do you think I took it that way?). I had an ace bandage, and I wrapped it around my foot that already had duct tape on it to keep the tape in place. Now everyone will just think I have a sprained ankle, not a wart, right? AND I bought 3 pairs of flats to go with my work clothes (spending money that could have been spent on cuter things), so I'm all good to go.

It's now 12:30a, and I get up around 5:30a. Yeah, I know. I won't be able to wake up, will I? I totally can't sleep. I've taken extra medicine of just about everything, so I might fall asleep, wake up with a "hangover", and not be able to go into work tomorrow until later. That SUCKS!

I guess I'll go try now...the clock is just ticking along...tick tock, tick tock...

Is Something Wrong with Me?

I'm having slight "issues", and I'm not sure why. Road rage, anxiety, not able to sleep, eczema...

To start out with...I keep breaking out with eczema, and it's usually at night. I haven't had it like this in YEARS.

I think stress brings on eczema for me. Last night, I had it on my leg and used the lotion the Dermatologist prescribed for me, but it just wouldn't work fast enough. And it's like, once I have it in once place, I don't know if it's all in my head, but all of a sudden, I start scratching everywhere - under my arms, my scalp, the bottoms of my feet.

I have been taking more and more klonipin lately, and getting up at night because I can't sleep to drink hot chocolate which soothes me.

I feel anxious, my eye continually twitches - not just once and it goes away, but when it starts, it does NOT STOP.

The only thing I can think of that's different THIS year than LAST year is the Abilify. I'd rather cure the side effects of Abilify, if that's what it is, rather than take more Seroquel, because my doctor would probably suggest that, or take me off Abilify. My mood has been SO MUCH BETTER since I started Abilify - I don't want to stop taking it. I'm actually STABLE - minus the anxiety and the eczema.

I'm a lot more assertive when I'm mad than I used to be, but I don't see that as detrimental. I normally let people walk over me, and being a stronger person and letting that part of myself come out at appropriate times in appropriate ways is, to me, a good thing.

However, (and this always happens when I start writing a blog entry - I think of things I hadn't realized...), I've been getting road rage, and I RARELY got it before now. It's at least two or three times a week. I was going to say "but I don't do anything stupid"....except....road rage IS stupid and dangerous, right? I was screaming to a car just yesterday when they were trying to merge in front of me and completely ignoring I was there. But see, I should have just let them in to begin with - really, what's the big deal? I was screaming "GO AHEAD AND HIT ME - I HAVE INSURANCE!", and they ran me out of my lane! I was on the phone with Mark when this all happened so he heard it, and obviously the car got in front of me, and I left my hand up flipping him/her off, saying "you FUCKER" over and over. Mark said "KansasSunflower! You don't TALK like that!!". I know, I don't.

The first time I realized I had road rage was when a car darted between me and another to get in front of me in my lane, and could have hit my car. It was an older model American car, I have a new BMW, and caught up with it easily. I couldn't believe that car was going over 100 mph! I was going to drive past my exit to keep following it because I was still "raging". I'm not sure what I was going to do, but I *think* it would have been along the lines of passing it, getting in front of it, and then slowing way down. Good thing I saw the traffic at a stand still in front of him/her, and figured he would "get his", and exited. I told Mark what happened, and he said "You were driving over 100 mph???". Yeah, I didn't think about what I was telling him before I said it.

I don't think this is "bipolar rage". I've had that plenty of times, and this isn't it. This is DIFFERENT. This is some sort of anxiety mixed with frustration - so much so that I'm getting eczema and a twitching eye.

I DO snap at Mark, but not completely inappropriately, and just barely. He hasn't complained there's a problem, and trust me, he would. But I reach a certain frustration level and I can't take it anymore. I told my boss about Jerk Boy, even - what I thought of him, what he says, what I said to him that hurt his feelings, and how Bipolar Girl and I feel about him. He gave me the words to tell him what needed to be said for ALL of us (on our team), and he usually has pretty good advice. Oh yeah, I guess I DID get into a little "altercation" with another co-worker, but he had it coming, trust me. I was even the bigger person and called a "truce".

After typing all of this out, perhaps my "problem" is bigger than I thought. But I don't want to go to my Psychiatrist - what would I say? This all sounds so trivial, and like I can (and should) be able to deal with it. I mean, it doesn't seem like a BIG DEAL. plantar wart (that is HUGE!) has started it's treatment now. I realized I have absolutely NO SHOES to wear with the duct tape. I thought it was just my summer sandals, and then I realized - all of my dress heels are strappy! I don't want to go to the store to buy some matronly shoes to wear for the next few months to hide my duct tape, but what fun is it to wear cute little shoes when everyone can see silver tape on your foot? I guess the word "fun" is the wrong word to use. It's just the people I work with - who cares about them, right? Is it practical to go buy shoes for a few months that you don't even like?

I found out that a plantar wart is caused by the HPV virus. Great, just ONE MORE REMINDER, although...I'm a little soothed by the fact that I used to go to the gym as long as several years ago and take showers in the locker room and could have contracted it there. But more than's just another way to remind me what a horrible person I am. Mark keeps saying I probably got the HPV virus from him, and I think he really believes it, too. I know that's not true, but...I don't think I would HAVE to have the HPV virus to get a plantar I? So NOW...I have to continue being "vague" with my coworkers, saying "I have this THING on my foot", and let them know in my own unspoken way I'm not open to discussing it.

Drama....ALWAYS drama. I hate being a drama queen.

Duct Tape

After I got back from the Dermatologist yesterday, it was just Bipolar Girl and I in the room, and all of a sudden, she broke down and started crying. It's rare she does that given her circumstances, so of course I asked what was wrong and wanted to be there for her.

She said my boss had said to her, about 5 or 6 times since the day before, that he wished she could be "more focused" like ME. First of all, why is he saying this to her, comparing her to me, and making a normal person resent and hate me? Instead, she broke down and told me, and I appreciated it.

I told her that she KNEW why I was focused (ADHD = Adderall), and he didn't - and she was about to go to the doctor to get her own medicine. I told her that he was a jerk for saying that, and I told her the truth. He mentioned that I was "5 days behind" in sick days to me the other day, but I told her I didn't care. She doesn't know I'm bipolar and neither does he, but I told her the truth of the matter is....I'm just glad that I can hold down a job. I'm glad I can KEEP one, and I know that I will always have "mental health days", I've resigned myself to that fact. Somehow, I made her laugh when I was telling her that, and she felt better and stopped crying.

I found out the ugly truth about my foot yesterday. I have a plantor's WART. Who knew it was a wart? It certainly doesn't look like any wart *I* have ever seen, and I didn't know warts could HURT. Because of it's size, my derm said freezing it off or cutting it off wasn't an option. He said other derms would consider having it surgically removed, but he highly discouraged me from that due to scarring and severe pain. So we have started the first process in what he has in mind of 3 "possible" processes that may work to rid myself of this ugly plantor's wart.

It is bizarre and gross. I have to put this medicine on in the morning, then put DUCT TAPE, yes, DUCT TAPE over it. I peel off the duct tape at night, but a second kind of medicine on it, then put DUCT TAPE on it AGAIN. He told me I wouldn't be able to wear sandals for about 16 weeks. I made a face, I guess, because he said "Wear moccasins! There's nothing wrong with moccasins!". Are you friggin' kidding me? All I OWN are sandals for the summer! And mocassins? Is he crazy in the head? I'm still going to wear my sandals, and if the duct tape shows a little, I don't care.

For my eczema, he gave me a sample of cream, and gave me a prescription. He was the best!

Mark is in town, so that's always a good thing. I seem to be getting more angry than normal, but maybe it's a good thing that I am. I normally keep my anger all bottled up inside of me.

Still no "real" symptoms that I can see...and I'm watching and looking - are they there and I'm oblivious?

My trip to the Dermatologist was quite eventful. I just feel relieved to have gone. Yes, I "valet parked" as required, and paid the $3, then $2 tip just to see him!

The thing on my foot that I've been lamenting over when I get pedicures and when I'm naked in the women's locker and anywhere in public is a "plantor's wart".'s a really big and hard wart, which is weird, because it looks like about 20 all in one. (Sorry to be so gross - you should stop reading! ;) ) My derm said many derms would suggest surgery, but that would leave a large scar and be very painful, and he gave me 3 different ways we were going to treat it in succession, in case the first one fails, and then if the second one fails, etc. Tomorrow I start treatment #1. It's so retarded. What is it?

I have this gel or something that I put on it at night, and another that I put on it in the morning. That's NO BIG DEAL, right? So what's the big deal? I have to put DUCT TAPE on top of it! Do you understand what I'm saying? DUCT-TAPE! It helps my skin absorb the acid or whatever, and the other cream that loosens the skin. He told me I couldn't wear sandals, and this would take about 16 weeks. I made a face at him because that's ALL I WEAR! I have a pair of sandals for just about every outfit! You know what his answer was? "Wear mocassins! There's nothing wrong with mocassins!". Bullcrap. I'm wearing my sandals, and my duct tape can just show a little on the back underneath of my foot.

When I pick up my medicine tomorrow, he warned me that the pharmacist might start talking to me about genital warts, since it's the same medicine used for both. I'm going to insert "treatment for my FOOT" before he gets the chance.

As for my eczema, he gave me a cream sample, and a prescription, too. I read the pamphlet he gave me about it and stressors being one of the causes, and it's so true. I can just read over my blog for the past few weeks and see my stress level increasing lately.

As for the "plantor wart", Mark has no idea what it is, so I've been working it to my advantage in a funny way (at least to me). He'll ask if I'm going to do something, and I'll tell him "no, because the doctor said my wart sucks a lot of energy out of me since it's caused from an infection...". He just says "oh, ok", and I start laughing. See, this is all fun and games until he tells me I have to have surgery. Then you'll see me freak out like you won't believe.


I found a Dermatologist that would see me as a new patient in less than 3-4 months. Isn't that ridiculous? Because I have eczema (I'm assuming), and the weird growth on my foot, he'll see me today at 11:00a this morning. It's one of two derms who share an office, and trust me, I've already looked them up on the state medical board for disciplinary actions.

My boss and I came to an agreement over my contractors yesterday. He thought we were starting over with a "clean slate" and I was losing all the income from my current contractors, and I thought I was keeping it all. He left it up to me as to what I thought was fair. I thought about it most of the morning, and then said we should just split my contractors in half. He agreed to it, so at least that's 1/2 extra income I was expecting. I know I get the large base salary now, but I had worked up to almost that already, so it wasn't a big deal just to get that, and told him so.

I was so upset about it that I almost started crying AGAIN yesterday morning before we came to a solution. It was that, and Mark and I fighting about money over our wedding. Why do I keep doing that? It happens about once a day now. I get so mad and frustrated, and then I can feel myself physically wanting to cry. That could be why I'm getting eczema. It's an overwhelming feeling that I can control - I mean, I don't have sudden outbursts or anything, but I can't concentrate on much else, either. I *try*, but it's hard. It consumes me.

My boss told me yesterday that Bipolar Girl, even though she hasn't made a "deal" in months and months, would never "let her go" because she works so hard. I wanted to hug him. Here we are, in sales, she's making none, yet he won't let her go and keeps paying her out of his pocket for non-performance? He said all he can ask for is someone to work hard, and he knows she tries her best. She really does, too. She goes to the psychiatrist soon, and I think that will make a big difference.

Guess I'd better get ready for work - hope everyone has a great day!


I went to dinner to meet Mark's coworkers....well, mainly his Director who had asked to meet me, and his Executive Director, last night. I actually had a pretty good time!

The behavior of these two individuals! Personality type GIANT A! Director was in my face as soon as I got there, laughing loud, "crackberrying" as much as Mark does. I would LOVE to throw Mark's blackberry in the lake, but he'd just get another one. It's usually to his Director, so what can I do? The Director was fun, he was nice, he gave me a lot of attention, and I, being a Type A personality, gave it right back. I tried to get to know everyone around me, but it was obvious I was there, as the only "spouse" invited, to meet Mark's superiors (I still don't know why?). The group was very subdued and acted almost scared - all on their "best behavior". It was wild. I was thinking...."why?" as I ordered my first margarita. (and second...)

People were being served their food, and they were all being so polite to each other while Mark's boss was so darned LOUD, and then their blackberries started going into overdrive. They both looked at them, and Mark said "The Eagle has Landed". Apparently, the Executive Director's plane has just arrived, and he was now on the way to the restaurant. I'd had enough of my margarita that I was actually excited to meet this character.

He walked in, and just like Mark's Director, this guy was much younger than I expected. I mean, they all still have their hair! But this GUY! OMG!

He sat right next to me, put his arms in the air, and started snapping his fingers over and over until a waitress came to help him - within a minute or so. He asked for a drink, and then demanded for food fast. He didn't care what it was - whatever was quickest, but she didn't understand that - she didn't want to be responsible for ordering something for him that he didn't like. This is the SOUTH - people aren't really demanding like that or behave in that manner - not that I ever see. Somehow, he got an "entree" out of her, and she scurried away.

And then this "bundle of uptight energy" looked at Mark (across the table) and myself and asked when we were getting married. It just so happened that I had called 3 Wedding Planners the day before, so I said "Well Mark doesn't know it yet, but he has 3 appt's with Wedding Planners."

You would have thought I said John Mayer was dating Britney Spears (instead of Jessica get it? haha)

The Executive Director THEN decided he was going to sit with me, right then and there, and plan my ENTIRE wedding. Yes, for the rest of the night, almost. From cakes (get small and a big zoom lens for it) to venues, country clubs, churches, limos, napkins, "booze" (a big part of it, he said), pictures (not so important, he said) and he had an opinion for everything.

I guess....30 minutes? The lady next to me whispered "who is he? He's someone up really high, isn't he?" so I told her. I thought....he should be talking to THEM, but it was like a "club" - the same couple of people just hung out and talked while the rest stayed to themselves.

Everyone left, and it was Mark, Director, Executive Director, and myself. Mark and I went home, and Mark said Executive Director kept his boss out until 1:00a!

Mark is now putting his resume together, and I don't know why. He's been saying this ever since he's started traveling, etc., yet...I don't think he "gets" how accepted he is here. There were OTHER Sr. Managers at his same level at the restaurant, yet they only "included" him. What is wrong with him? He is so IN, he has such a FUTURE, is he so spoiled that he can't see it? He says he DOES see his future, and it all lies in another city with this company, and he doesn't want to move there. Yeah, well....THAT I can understand. Especially if that's how they all act. Friendly, but....demanding of your attention?

I thought I was going to come to blows with my boss today, and he knew it. His wife and I were exchanging emails about my pay from my contractors, and my responses were escalating because I'm not getting ANY of it since the renegotiation, and once again, I was so mad that I could feel myself on the edge of crying. My boss ran over to my desk and grabbed me into a conference room so we could talk it out. He explained his position, I explained my position, and he said we should both think about it and suggest something that would work for both of us. He talked about my going into a leadership role...getting a few accounts, and then having my own "team" of recruiters, which has its' own monetary benefit on its' own. I was listening and everything, but my mind was always focused on ONE THING: Am I getting any of my contractor's money or not??? I have a compromise in mind that I think I'll suggest tomorrow morning by email. The rest is really nice and I know he wouldn't say it without meaning it and getting my hopes up, but he didn't get my hopes up. I'm too selfish. I wanted to know about my contractors that I worked HARD to find and get hired.

When I got my hair cut yesterday, my stylist said I have eczema on my scalp, and needed to go to the dermatologist? What the hell? She's right about one thing - I've been breaking out with eczema lately, but I didn't know on my scalp. I keep thinking bugs are eating me alive, show Mark, and he reminds me what it is. Benadryl usually helps. I already know what causes it - stress. I've had it before, and much more severe - so severe the doctor told me it would leave scars. It didn't.

Oh well, might as well add the dermatologist into the mix. What's ONE MORE doctor?

So Angry I Could Cry!

I have been SO ANXIOUS all weekend long. I've taken a lot of klonipin, too, but have managed to keep myself from OD'ing on Seroquel, like I normally would. Part of the reason I haven't is because I don't like how ravenous it makes me afterwards, and the other's just not a sign that I'm mentally stable, you know?

Mark made me really mad at dinner Friday night. I don't know WHY he has to put my profession down. He said (but didn't tell me he had HEARD it) that Recruiting companies are like the used cars salesmen in the Recruiting World. (I apologize to any Used Cars Salesmen). I was PISSED - so pissed I could feel myself getting ready to cry. He THEN said the managers had a meeting with the "vendor management" team who called us that. #1 - the "Vendor Management Team" (my company would be considered a "vendor"), wouldn't even HAVE a job if it weren't for companies like mine, and #2 - if their internal Recruiters were worth half a crap, they wouldn't NEED outside recruiting firms to fill their stupid open positions. Some of the positions are easy enough - just jump on Monster and - ta-da, there you go - several candidates. I don't call that "real recruiting". "Real Recruiting" is finding someone NOT on the internet, NOT necessarily looking for a job until you contact them and tell them about YOUR job and why they would want it. So...they're only interested in YOUR job, and aren't out applying at a million places like those on Monster, etc., and you could lose that candidate to another company any day! Once the first company gives them the offer they want, they're gone! That's why "Real Recruiters" get paid so much - and why internal corporate recruiters can't find jack. Sorry, I'm just really pissed. Seriously, the internal recruiters SHOULD be able to do their DAMNED job, and not call us names. But, in the end, I have the last laugh, right? Should they hire from me, we get a 20-25% fee - off the base salary. Who has the last laugh now? The little "vendor management" people get paid their little corporate wages in HR - (nose stuck up in the air), which I've been offered, was totally dumbstruck, and turned down. If I ever meet one of them, I'm going to slap whatever expression they have right off their smug little faces.

So yeah - Mark got the brunt of it. HE said it. He should have known better, and he got an earful at the restaurant, all the way home, and into the night. It's like...he insulted my ego or something. I'm not even an Account Manager, but it doesn't matter. I was trying to "get in" with his company and recruit for them, but forget it. I'll be an Account Manager without him and without his company. I think you know where I think they can "stick it".

Boring enough for you, eh? I was supposed to go to Older Woman's apartment with Bipolar Girl this weekend, and didn't. On the weekends, I just recharge my batteries and stay home. Plus, Mark had been gone and I didn't think he'd appreciate my leaving the day after he'd been gone for a week. But I really didn't want to, either. I don't know why? And Mark is with his parents right now having dinner for his birthday, and I stayed at home. This time it's because of my anxiety - it's just too much. Not "out of control", but enough that 3 klonipin doesn't even help it.

TOMORROW I have to go to my doctor during the day and pick up a prescription for more Adderall, and then get ready to meet ALL of Mark's friggin' coworkers at a BUSINESS dinner - including his boss, the Director, and HIS boss, the Executive Director. I'm the ONLY "spouse/outsider" invited! Isn't that weird? Yes, they will all be in my city instead of theirs, but his boss comes here once in awhile anyway, and why can't it be at a small get together instead of 50+ people at a huge business dinner? They still want Mark to move to the city where all of his people report, and Older Woman at work thinks that they want to "butter me up" to move there - that it may be a new angle. costs 25% more to live there, traffic is atrocious, my house is my "home", and I'd never have one like this again there, I just renegotiated my commission "contract" at work and wouldn't be able to find something that paid as well...yet, I don't want Mark to quit, either. I'm tough - I can live through his traveling there 2 weeks out of the month. The thing is....he can't. He HATES it and wants a new job already. He said it doesn't matter if they "butter me up", he's not moving, no matter how many times they ask him. That isn't the job he "signed on for" when he accepted, he says.

I called several wedding planners this weekend - it's time for me to start getting serious about planning this wedding! I'm getting a little excited, but we'll see how long it lasts....:-)

Oh yeah! And the trip that I won for work! I ordered 3 swimsuits from Victoria's Secret, so surely ONE of them will look decent. Say a prayer for me!

In a Panic

I may have had too much coffee, but I feel SO ANXIOUS today. I wonder now if I always do on the weekends, and that's why I never do anything, and instead, play the SIMS. I can get lost in the game, putting all of my focus on that one thing, and my anxiety is somewhat lessened or forgotten. When Mark speaks to me, I look up, and boom, it heightens the anxiety.

It affects my posts when I'm like this. I've used self control and not taken any Seroquel, but I HAD to do something, and took 6 klonipin.

He really upset me last night when we went to dinner. Apparently he went to some meeting with the other Managers and the HR's "Vendor Management". Vendor Management does what it suggests they do - "manages" the Recruiting "vendors" that have been approved to be on their vendor list. During this meeting, they called recruiting firms (and recruiters/Account Managers) the "used car salesmen of the Recruiting World". First of all, no offense to Used Car Salesmen. Second of all, I was PISSED. He said it without prefacing it with having the meeting where THEY had said it - not HIM just coming up with it at dinner. Who knows, maybe he did? But anyway...

I was so upset I could feel tears start to well up in my eyes. WHY must he keep insulting my profession? My profession puts food in the refrigerator (or trips through the drive through), jobs for people, there are a lot of good things about it. I KNOW he has a disdain for "salesmen" from working with one so closely when he was a CTO, but that doesn't mean he should insult ME or MY profession personally.

He apologized, and has several times, but I'm still upset. He asked how many times should someone have to apologize before you start thinking that you're being punished by the way the other person is acting towards you? I told him that while he apologized, I couldn't change that I was hurt.

But I have to vent. Those f'ing "Vendor Management" people wouldn't even HAVE a job without firms like mine. And the stupid COMPANY wouldn't even NEED these people if they had Recruiters that knew how to find good people for the open positions! It's not MY fault they have bad recruiters! (Yes, they have their own recruiters who try to fill the jobs FIRST, and THEN it goes to the "vendors".) If they could DO their job, they wouldn't need US. Some of these jobs aren't that hard to fill. They shouldn't have to pay a 20 - 25% (of the salary) fee for finding the right candidate. I can foresee Mark's company, who wants him to move to another city where all of the people who report to him live - offer to find me a job in their company. Yes, they want him to move there THAT BAD. Not in a million years would I take a job as a Recruiter there now. And there's no way I could START at a job as a Recruiter at an agency making what I make, so I don't know what I'd do. I'd feel unfulfilled and underappreciated.

As a matter of fact, have I mentioned this already? His boss, the Director of his division, has asked (or invited) me to come to their dinner after their meeting when they're all in our city on Monday. For some reason, they're all coming from their city to ours. Mark said it's because he talks about me fondly and he just wants to meet me, but this is a dinner after a business meeting, thus, a business dinner, and NO OTHER SPOUSES are invited. You don't think that's strange? His boss will be in town again, as well as his boss's boss, and it doesn't have to be THIS TIME that I meet him. It could be something more casual with just a few people - not 50+ people or so, so I don't get it. I do NOT want to go. But I HAVE to - Mark never "mandates" me to do anything, so...I feel like since he is kind of mandating me to go, I don't have a choice.

Update on Life in General

To A. - I got your email, and am pondering the situation....

I've had a REALLY hard time getting up in the morning the past few days. I woke up a little before 7:00a yesterday, and I have to be at work by 8:00a. I HAVE to leave the house no later than 7:20 to be on time, so I jumped in the tub, put my hair up, through some clothes on, and was 5 minutes late to our Thursday morning meeting. Even this morning, I kept hitting snooze until I made myself get up. I don't know what my deal is all of a sudden. I can't fall asleep at night, and then once I do, I can't wake up?

I weighed this morning, and I've GAINED a pound! I'm at 128 now. What's gross is that I went to they gym earlier in the weeks and took the "Knock Out" class - a class tailored for boxers - a could feel my stomach moving as I jumped up and down like a sack of potatoes. 5 extra pounds is equivalent to a sack of potatoes, so it's totally possible that I could have a "sack" on my stomach. Ewww.

I tried on bikinis this week, and surprisingly enough, it was the TOPS I didn't like, and not the bottoms. I just couldn't figure out how to get them on correctly, so they didn't have enough support or enough material. I can't find a Victoria's Secret in town that sells them, so I guess I'll order one online. Mark thinks it's a bad idea since I'm having such a hard time finding a swimsuit, but what other choice do I have? They have fitted tops according to your cup my bra, I'm thinking?

I got summoned for jury duty! Yay! I hope there's actually a trial, and that I'm actually picked to be on the jury! I've NEVER heard anyone say that before, but no one watches Court TV like I do, either. My county is really nice, too. They have the "stand by" jury method, in that the jurors don't have to "report" to the courthouse that morning. We just call between 11:00 - 12:30 that day and listen to a recording to see if we have to come in at all.

Mark got home from his work trip last night, and the first thing he did was start griping about the cleanliness of the house. I said "gee, I'm SO glad you're home" in a sarcastic way. He thinks I don't "contribute" to the household, which, I guess, I really don't. But we hire housekeepers! He doesn't "contribute" to the yard work - we hire someone for that, so what's the difference?

After telling Jerk-Boy off, he has SO much respect for me - way more than anyone else on our team! I've started saying nice comments now and again, but still mostly ignoring him. I'm not giving him the time of day like I did so he feels comfortable enough to treat me the way he did before our "conversation". He went around the room with pretzels, offering some to everyone, and when he got to me, he said "See? I CAN do nice things...." in a very serious way. I told you, I really hurt his feelings.

I had 5 interviews for my candidates in one day, and I don't even know if any of them will get the job! It's not from my lack of trying, that's for sure. One accidentally left the phone off the hook and the interview has to be rescheduled, and an interview for the same candidate at a different company bombed and he didn't get the job. For another company, a candidate told the the interviewer he only had 15 minutes to talk, so they rescheduled for 5:00p yesterday, and I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it yet. The fourth seemed to go pretty well - they may bring him in for a face-to-face interview, and the fifth we won't have feedback for several WEEKS as the interviewer just started doing interviews. Chances are, the candidate will have a job by then.

Such is the life as a Recruiter. Oh well. Maybe I'll get more things going on....people can be SO unpredictable, which is what makes this job suck sometimes.


Okay, enough about "politics". I've spoken my peace.

I woke up at 3:30a for some reason this morning, and couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up, and here I sit. Ho-hum. I was thinking of taking a class at the gym at 6:00a, but that's so booo-ring.

So far, so good (knock on wood). No bipolar symptoms for several weeks now. Sure, I get depressed, but it lasts for about...1/2 day. Each has happened once or twice in the recent past, and I don't consider myself slipping until I've had the symptoms for about 2 weeks (I think that's what my doctor told me). No one is going to be "up" all of the time and not get disappointed about something, irritated at someone or something...I think it's all in how you deal with it, what you do about it, and how long it lasts?

Since I told Jerk-Boy off the other day, he's been TOTALLY respectful towards me. Very polite, quite a gentleman. We'll see how long this lasts. My boss keeps encouraging him to compete against me, and I don't know why. I HATE that. He says that I'm a "fierce quiet competitor". Actually, he's right. And the fact that I'm QUIET is a "hoot"! The only reason people perceive me as quiet is because #1 I work around all extreme Type A personalities, and #2 my Adderall keeps me focused on my job, and not socializing much. I'm VERY much a Type A personality - normally doing all the talking, very animated, love to be the center of attention, but in THIS group, I have to take a back seat. In my non-Recruiter jobs, I was so much of a "socializer" that some people thought I was a "distraction" to them. NOW I'm the quiet one! It's quite bizarre. It's as if I've found the career made for me. I guess getting in trouble year after year in elementary school for "talking too much" in Parent/Teacher conferences and report cards finally paid off! :-)

I officially qualified for the trip at work for the "performers" of Q2 yesterday. I think we're going to a beach resort somewhere in Mexico, so I need to get a passport. The only thing's mostly guys and ME! I do NOT want to be seen in a swimsuit in front of my male coworkers, and if they bring their wives, in front of their "trophy wives"! And I know everyone will be drinking...I don't want to get loose lips! It has the potential to be a real disaster. If everyone plans to bring their significant other, then I'll see if Mark will go with me. I've decided I could wear a bikini, and then just wear a little tank top over it. With my tummy covered, the rest of me is really thin. If I need to take the tank top off, I'll make sure I'm standing, not sitting where it's bulging out, suck it in really tight, and then put it back on before I sit down. A one piece would make my tummy look just the same as a bikini, so there's really no point.

Mark's birthday was yesterday, and he's out of town. I ALMOST forgot to tell him Happy Birthday! He called several times asking if I had called and he missed my call, and I just said no, I had been busy and hadn't had the chance to call. It didn't even DAWN on me that he was checking to see if I was calling to tell him Happy Birthday! I spoke to him on the phone around 9:30p, still didn't remember until about 10:00, then called him IMMEDIATELY and told him Happy Birthday. We celebrated his birthday on Saturday since he's out of town this week, and I think that's why I forgot. He's all depressed that he's 31 now....oh, please. He didn't even want to celebrate his birthday. Now THAT I can relate to, because I celebrate "the day we celebrate KansasSunflower for no particular reason" instead of my "birthday". Otherwise I get too depressed.

Bipolar Girl finally went to the psychiatrist (I think, she didn't say what doctor she went to), and got on medication. I SAY she did, because she seems more focused, doesn't ramble on like she used to, and seems more "together". I don't know if she's taking medication for ADD or what, but it's a big change. I can't decide if I like it or not, isn't that weird? I got used to how she USED to be. She'll be happier this way, and hopefully she'll start making "deals" now and more money. I know she doesn't have the kind of "contract" - base salary and commission- that I do, but I think perhaps my boss upped her "draw" to help her out IF she went to the doctor and got on medication. I don't consider it discrimination since she always blamed her lack of focus to him on her ADD. He just wants her to be successful and offered to pay 1/2 of her medical bills if she took care of it. I thought that was really nice of him.

Well...I don't know if I should start getting ready for work or play the Sims, or what? It would be good to get to work about an hour early, because it's really true...the more work you put in, the better results you see and the more money you make. I just don't want to get burned out at work. I've already worked two 12-hour days this week, and this is only Wednesday! And get boss actually said to me when I was walking out yesterday "so you're leaving at 7:01?". Ha! As if I hadn't worked enough! He just doesn't understand yet that I plan on working more extra hours than I'm supposed to this week. With Mark out of town, it's the perfect time to put in as many hours as possible.

Just a bunch of jabber to keep myself updated for future reference....

Mentally Ill Rights/Jerry Falwell

Okay....I just have to go back to the "mentally ill" issue again. I'm disappointed that people are so willing to give up one of their MOST BASIC rights. Personally, I don't CARE what the right is. Will I buy a gun? No. Highly unlikely. Like Dream said, I don't even believe in them! But if we just give up our right to own guns, it will be THAT MUCH EASIER to take away another constitutional right of the "mentally ill".

What if it were the right to drive a car? Bipolars probably drive drunk more than the average person because of our addictive personalities. What about the medications we have to take? I can think of times I should NOT have been behind the wheel because of what I had taken, yet I hadn't had a drop to drink. Our rage? Perhaps someone will suggest the "mentally ill" shouldn't drive.

Will we give THAT up so easily, too? All of a sudden, you're thinking "wait a minute...", right? Or that would never happen? A mentally ill college student ran his car down a college street, running over and killed or seriously injured students a few years ago. It was brought up he should have never been allowed to drive because he was on medication.

What's NEXT? Are we too focused inwardly that we don't care about what's happening?

If we don't fight NOW, then we might as well throw our hands up and let these discriminatory people take whatever they want from us constitutionally.

If the "mentally ill" are ACTUALLY constitutionally not allowed to own a gun, then things are not looking good for me. I won't be labeled as "mentally ill" and be discriminated against in this fashion. I'll stop seeing my doctor, stop taking medications, and be done with it. Mark protests that I wouldn't even be labeled as "mentally ill". I think "Undefined Bipolar Disorder/Major Depression" is mentally ill, yes? I was out of work for 6 weeks on disability - so isn't that an "illness"? But that was for DEPRESSION, so I'm really confused.

I'll have to ask my doctor on my next visit if HE thinks I am "mentally ill", and if not, what is the definition?

And about Jerry Falwell...

Will God be mad at me if I'm actually glad and/or happy that Jerry Falwell died? The things he said were so wrong and atrocious, yet they made nationwide news and people actually listened!

He was such a negative impact on the country, was a bigot, a sexist, and a racist, encouraged others to be the same "in the name of God", and represented Christianity in the worst possible light - sending everyone to hell instead of heaven. it wrong? He can no longer utter any more words that people actually listen to and take into consideration when deciding their moral beliefs!

I wonder...when he died, where did his soul go....was it enough that he "meant well", or...DID he actually "mean well"?

No Guns for the "Mentally Ill"?

Here's an excerpt from the NRA:

"National Rifle Association (NRA) Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre supports preventing access to guns for those who have been committed to a hospital via court order"

Well who the hell do these people think they are? I've committed myself VOLUNTARILY, and am PERFECTLY FINE right now, and there's a CHANCE that I may not have the "right" to bear arms because I'm "mentally ill"?

Who is the judge and jury to decide who is mentally ill?

Is it my psychiatrist, who has diagnosed me? I'm not suicidal. As a matter of fact, I consider myself to be MORE "normal" right now than most people I work with at this time!

No, I don't own a gun. No, I don't plan on purchasing one.

But to TELL ME that my RIGHTS are taken away because of being "mentally ill" really, REALLY pisses me off!

Mark debukes the fact that I'm actually "mentally ill" in this regard. I'm not? What the hell is being bipolar, then?

Being bipolar will gain you access to Social Security funds for your illness - is that not the definition of a mental illness?

I don't see how, if I applied for a gun and they did a background check on me, that they would ever be able to tell I'm bipolar unless...

psychiatrists had to start reporting it to the state?

Man that would PISS ME OFF!

I'd go off my medications so fast it would make your head spin.

My Diary

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing my song
If I get it all down on paper,
it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to....

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to....

Told off Jerk Boy

I told off Jerk-Boy at work (sort of), but of course, now I feel bad. I didn't even say all that much, except "you always know the wrong thing to say," in a disdained voice. The thing is...I think it hurt his feelings! I mean - it's really not that big of a deal, is it? Compared to all HE has said? Seriously...ALL I SAID was "you always know the wrong thing to say," in a very annoyed way. And I was sitting at my desk, just looking up at him over my "partition wall", and then looked down at my work again. It was really no big deal - just me venting in my own passive way.

He asked me what I was talking about - to give him an example. I told him "in general". Of course, Bipolar Girl was there just backing me up with little comments - I wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying, so who knows!

He said "you don't even know me, I'm not like that". And then, to seal it off, "I don't come to work to make friends". I can't believe such a cocky jerk would act like such a big baby. Does he really expect us all to like him? I could tell it hurt his feelings by the WAY he was talking and acting.

Should I apologize? But why? It's true! I'll feel uncomfortable around Jerk-Boy on Monday, but I'm not acting all nicety-nice to him or any different, because I meant what I said. I'll probably just bury myself in my work and ignore him. Adderall is good for that.

If he calls in sick on Monday, I'll feel really bad. But Bipolar Girl feels EXACTLY the same way I do about him. So I can't be so off on this, right? Except....there's one problem. We're BOTH bipolar!

Mark and I had a nice lunch/dinner for his birthday (with his favorite cheesecake!), and I gave him the whole set of CD's of his favorite artist (Rob Thomas, and before that, Matchbox 20), and a computer game. Not like years past, when I would give him, say, a DVD camcorder (I don't even know what those are called), or a Rolex for Christmas. Maybe when you get older you just buy what you want/need as time goes along, and get little tokens for each other for birthdays? Except...I still expect big gifts for mine. :-)

Anyone who reads my blog knows I LOVE John Mayer, but...why does he have to dress so crappy? You know, if he changed the way he dressed, though...I think he would lose part of his charm. I sure wish I'd get those tickets....

Because of what happened the other night when Mark and I were playing and he touched me in a "private place" and I kind of freaked, he doesn't want to...uhmm..."be loving" towards me. Is that a PC way to say it? I even tried to hide what I was feeling. So now there's this whole NEW problem. Mark feels uncomfortable making advances towards me, wondering if that's what it's like for me to "be with him", if that's what I "go through". Oh, brother. How do I even plunge into that conversation? How do I even convince him it's not when he thinks I'm just lying?

Hopefully when he's gone for work this week he'll forget all about it...

I'm watching the DVD of John Mayer's last concert, and Mark just walked in...oops. He's gotten terribly jealous of John lately....

Jerk-Boy, and, Other Stuff

This has been coming for awhile - it didn't just start today. I know I've writing a lot about my "happy happy joy joy" mood lately, but today I FINALLY stopped "ignoring it".

A guy in my office started a few months ago, and he is the most cocky, inappropriate person I've ever met. Well...maybe that's going a bit far. If I think hard enough (no one is coming to mind at the moment), I'll think of someone else.

I'm about to go off on him. I'm THIS CLOSE. Yes, I remember how "Bipolar Girl" annoyed me for months and months, and now we're good friends. But this is DIFFERENT. I swear, I'm going to go OFF on him, and it's not going to be pretty, it's going to be in front of everyone, I'm going to raise my voice, and it will shock the HELL out of everyone, including him.

He is cocky, arrogant, an asshole, a sexist... he just annoys me like you wouldn't BELIEVE. I don't know how many more days...yes, DAY or DAYS, I can take it. I don't care what my boss thinks when I go off on him, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I'm going to put him in his place in front of everyone.

I've stopped being "fake nice" to him. I don't even bother.

I can't even EXPLAIN what he does - it's what he says and how he says it. And he's always kissing up to my boss. And saying things like he's going to a gentleman's club for lunch. (asshole) And telling my boss to give HIM some Accounts! AS IF! But my boss seems to actually LIKE the cockiness! sales, that may be perceived as a GOOD thing. He almost seems to foster that, and he EVEN told jerk-ass to "talk a little smack" to me. He told Jerk-Boy that I was competitive, but I was quiet about it and didn't let anyone know. Bipolar Girl agreed, and said I was coming out of my shell, to which I said loudly and firmly "I was never IN a shell!", without lifting my head from my work and looking at them. I was a bit aggressive when I said it - but this guy DRIVES me to it.

It's're really good at something, and someone comes along, who's never really done what you've done, and tries to tell you how to do something. You know what I'm saying? Acting like the rooster in a hen house, so to speak?

It ruined my day, and my evening. I'm so irritated, and I even took klonipin, which proves to me it's not a mood thing.

I've GOT to put him in his place, at least where *I* am concerned, and FAST. He can do/say whatever he wants to everyone else, but not to me.

I know he sees me as his "biggest threat" in our office, but he has no idea of what I'm capable of doing and saying to him. To be quite honest, no one in the office is....YET.

And that's a big YET, because it's coming. You'd better believe it is. I just need to warn Bipolar Girl and Older Woman first.

On another note, a very strange, and scary thing to me, happened last night. Mark and I were joking around and he was chasing me, and he came from behind and touched me in a "private place", somewhere and something he's never done before. It didn't hurt or anything - not at all. But my reaction was extreme. I immediately went from joking and laughing to almost crying - like when you see a little baby just sit there, and slowly start pouting and then crying, as a natural progression... do you know what I'm talking about? Not like an adult cries - where you think about something, and then you cry. I just had an overwhelming FEELING, no thoughts, and it triggered something in me that traumatized me for hours. He felt horrible and apologized over and over, and then gave me my space. He said what he did was wrong and he should have known better, really wasn't such a big deal, or least it shouldn't have been? But yet, I felt so...I dunno? Violated is the wrong word. I sat on the couch and thoughts of my step-dad came right to my mind, and I fought really hard with myself to make everything go away. I put music videos on the television and forced myself to watch them, but I found everything going out of focus and I was just staring into space. I had my knees curled up tight against my chin, with my arms locked around them.

It was bizarre, yet...the feeling wasn't UNFAMILIAR. I sat here and willed the few memories I do have to go away, and any others not to come back. I told myself that really nothing major happened to me, anyway. I always minimize my past (my counselor used to tell me). But I could feel that things were about to come flooding back in my memory because it was reeling back in time, trying to put a place to this feeling, and I struggled hard with myself to stay in the present.

My counselor used to bring this up quite often, and one peculiar time when she was really trying to get me to talk and remember, I physically got out of my chair, went BEHIND it, and crouched down. She knew I'd had enough at that point, I believe. That's one of the strangest things that's ever happened to me. But when you feel SO UNSAFE - and it's a feeling I can't explain, you'll do whatever you need to do to "protect yourself". I guess for some reason I felt I needed to hide?

I have nothing to divulge - nothing to share about my past in this entry - just this strange overwhelming feeling. I don't understand it.

To be honest, I don't really want to and hope it never happens again. Is that possible? Why does everything have to be "worked through" and you have to "get past" to move on? Can't you just....get better and move on without remembering any crap that happened that might have messed you up? What's forgotten...I say leave in the past where it belongs.

Being Okay with Being Okay

I've just now decided, as I was pondering my day and what to write in my "ahem" blog/diary, that I'm going to stop wondering when the sky is going to fall and I'll stop being happy. You know what? It IS going to happen. Something WILL inevitably go wrong in my life. No one's life is perfect, bad things happen to good people, right? So I don't "jinx" my good mood, I keep prefacing it with "something will invariably happen, it always does...". Well, yes, that's right. It always DOES. But that's what happens to "normal" people, right? Sometimes I get this vision in my mind of a "normal" person going through their lives just lah-dee-dah, without a care in the world.

No, that's not real life. They have good days - good weeks! They have bad days - bad weeks! But it's how they deal with them that matters, right?

So...I'm really happy. Today, I (hopefully! cross your fingers!) got a deal! The Account Manager was told that my candidate was going to be made an offer tomorrow for a job he interviewed for today - I spoke with him, and he said he'd "definitely" accept, and yay! That's enough to make ANY Recruiter's day! I mean...let me put this into perspective. Poor (and I mean I REALLY feel for her) Bipolar Girl has had maybe one deal THIS YEAR. Yes, since January 2007. Tomorrow will be the 9th, and it will be *my* 2nd in just May alone, with hopefully my 3rd by the end of the week. Do you see why I'm so happy? It's more than just financial - it feels really, really good to be successful at what you do.

And, I just feel....good, without ANY hypo symptoms. But, upon reflection, I do have a lot of good reasons to be in a great mood. Renegotiated my work contract and feel appreciated at work, Mark and I are getting along really well, our finances are in order, I just bought a new car a few months ago...and I'm going to the John Mayer concert in JUNE! :-) I have so many things to look forward to right now, and things are really happening for me.

I will DEFINITELY qualify for the free trip at work with this deal at work and go with my coworkers to the beach somewhere! My diet is actually working, and I think I can lose 10 pounds by July - down to 115 - 118. It just seems do-able right now. My eating habits are back in check, although I *do* need to get my butt back to the gym.

Don't get me wrong. I'll hear "Photograph" by Nickelback, and my mind will be flooded with memories of Cody (my dog that died a year ago last February), and I'll be on the verge of tears, but it leaves quickly. But see...why am I trying to think of something that makes me feel sad to compare...why does that prove I'm "normal"?

Am I NORMAL? You know what? No one should have to analyze themselves this damn much!!! All I've done is sat here and tried to figure this out, when actually...

I'm JUST OKAY!!! :-) Why can't I be okay with being ok????

Maybe that's my problem.


How do you know when you feel really good and happy, that it's not TOO good and happy? When you just feel EXCITED because you had a good day, but not for any particular reason, and everything just seems to be going your way? Is that hypo? What if you're hypo, yet you never exhibit any symptoms of it? Would that be a perfect world? :-)

If you make a certain amount of money in a quarter at work, our boss will pay for an all expenses paid trip for you and your coworkers to go on together (w/o spouses, though)! I think I may make it this quarter, and it's to the beach somewhere. I need to get a passport, as I think even Mexico needs one now? Anyways, that's beside the point. Since it will be at the beach, I need to lose 10 pounds or so - to get to 115 - 118 to wear a bikini. I *could* wear one now, but...I just wouldn't feel comfortable. At 5'6", that's about right for a bikini, right? I also intend on wearing little tank tops on top of it so my coworkers don't see me that way, though. AND...I need to watch my drinking. I have loose lips when I drink, and God only knows what I might say. I won't DO anything, I might just blurt out idiotic and embarrassing things - or take my tank top off and run around in my bikini!

I called the Director of one of the companies that I turned the job down on Saturday, and left a message that I wasn't taking it because I didn't get along with the Recruiting Supervisor. I told him I really liked HIM as well as the owner, and of course the person that referred me, and perhaps we'd work together in the future, and I'd like working for him. I thought it was a really nice way of turning down a job, and I really DID like the Director, and WOULD like working for him.

Well....OOPS. He left a message on my cell saying he got my message, and that we could "work around" my having to work for the Recruiting Supervisor (who was a total jackass - I STILL can't get the things he said out of my head). He said he would call me tomorrow. But the thing boss matched what the SECOND job offer was, which was WAY better than the job he's talking about, and I *still* wouldn't want to work WITH that jackass guy anyway.

I guess I'll just let my phone roll to voicemail whenever he calls? And keep doing it if he keeps calling? I mean, really...what else do I do? I'm not big on confrontation.

Older Woman who knows the whole job scenario said she can't believe how "happy" my boss seems to be when I'm around. Yeah, it's weird. He just seems HAPPY that I'm there? He acts so excited when he's talking to me and...stuff. It's bizarre. I thought it was just *me* that thought he was acting that way until she said it. It's a good thing his wife is there or I'd be thinking "hmmm...".

Other than that, Mark is out of town until Wednesday night.

Dancing with the Stars is on tonight! And I bought a little tiara (so did Older Woman) to wear around the house on the weekends, so I could look like a princess! :-) (Maybe I won't shower all weekend, but damnit, I'll wear my little $15 tiara and be Princess KansasSunflower!) :-) I've wanted one since the Bachelor last year (who was a REAL prince)....when the mean girl would say about the other girls, while wearing a tiara on her head..."she's just NOT 'princess material' ". It was SO FUNNY! My coworkers made me wear it at work to see if my boss would notice, while they laughed their butts off. Finally I had to go to his desk, and he looked up, about fell out of his chair, and said "you're a Princess now???"

Yes, I am. :-)

And then I took it off and shoved it deep in my purse. Where it belonged. :-)

Man, that's a lot of :-)'s. I think it's a record for smileys in a single post for me.

Just Not Feeling Any Symptoms...

My bipolar "symptoms" seem to have taken a vacation for a little while. My anxiety comes and goes, but with what I went through last week with my job, I'm sure that was normal, and I've recently gone down on my Seroquel dosage for weight reasons. I'm not really analyzing every mood I have like I normally do because the symptoms have been gone, and I'm not sure if that's really so smart. But, then again...that's why I keep a blog...

Like I've said...when I'm "okay", that's when I brace myself for the worst. I'm not getting teary eyed at the drop of a hat, I laugh when something is funny, I'm actually saving money in my "play" account (but part of the reason is that I stopped buying clothes when I gained 11 pounds), and I just enjoy life. Well, except...

Seemingly to me, out of the blue, I'm "hormonal" (trying to use the nicest possible word). I feel like crap, but that's to be expected, I supposed. Better today, on a Sunday, than tomorrow, Monday, although...I'm sure I'll still feel like crap tomorrow, hopefully not as bad. Guys, like Mark, have *no clue* what going through this can be like. It's no wonder I get short tempered, making it seem like I'm a bit bitchy.

It was enough for me to ban Mark from going to the John Mayer concert with me in June, even though we already paid for the tickets for us to go together. I mean...the BIG $$$ to get 4th row dead center seats, not just regular prices. The song "Clarity" came on, and he made a smart aleck comment about him not having any talent because he's jealous of him (he thinks I have a crush on John Mayer), and this has been going on for weeks now. Even just now he told me to "say hi to all of my friends for him" in a smart ass way, as if I was instant messaging. I haven't even instant messaged in over a year! Yes, I got pissed. He deserved it, messing with me like that. Earlier, he asked "where did you get a mouth like THAT?". I told him to look in the mirror. The "f'ing mirror". HAHA! Just kidding - I didn't really say the F word, but it would have been funny. :-)

I weighed 128 Saturday morning, which means I only have (or had) 3 more pounds to lose after gaining, like, 11 pounds? All I did was stop eating lunch again, and went back down to 100 mg of Seroquel. I'm not even taking Phentermine anymore! I think it's the Seroquel dosage change that has helped me the most.

I feel like I REALLY have to work hard at work, now that my boss has given me such an incredible raise. The cheap bastard actually matched the offer from the other company. Un-friggin-believable. Part of my contract, and he actually pointed it out and read it to me, says that if I discuss the contents of my contract to ANYONE associated with my company, it could lead to termination. He was 100% serious about it, too, because everyone else makes the same as far as I can tell. We all talked about it openly. Do I just pretend I make what I used to, or just keep quiet now? Most people know something was up with he and I going back and forth to a conference room, having lengthy conversations.

What a boring weekend, but I just feel too crappy to do anything. As IF I do anything when I don't feel crappy! I *did* meet my weekend goal of showering once - at about 10:00p last night. I ate like a cow yesterday, but it's 4:30 right now, and all I've had is one Lean Cuisine, and I'm not hungry in the least.

I'm actually going to do something "social" this week! Older Woman and I are going over to Bipolar Girl's apartment after work on Tuesday night to watch a movie and, as Bipolar Girl will readily admit she LOVES, drink some wine. I try to give her advice, but I'm not her mother. She's not taking ANY medication, and I can't tell her I'm bipolar. I DID admit I have ADHD when I thought I was quitting - what an idiot I am. I wanted her to feel that she wasn't so alone because my boss always compares me to her - how I'm so "focused" and she's not. I told her that's WHY, and not to feel bad - just to go the doctor, which my boss offered to pay half of her doctor bill and medication! He can actually be really nice...although, it would actually work to his advantage if she started making him all depends on how you look at it.

Turn Down Offer Response

Okay - I had two offers for jobs, and turned down both of them when my boss gave me a great offer to stay. One was completely cool with it, the second, in my opinion, was a poor sport. I did it by email because I'm dealing with SALESMEN here. They are "closers", will try to talk me into the job once again, "close the deal", and I asked "Account Superstar" how to turn it down, took his advice because I thought it was good, and here's what happened:

My email:

"Account Manager and "would be" future boss,

After a lot of thinking (and a multitude of discussions), I've decided to stay where I am. You seem to be the kind of person I would enjoy working for, and (company name) is a company that is exactly right for me.

I hope you'll respect my decision, but I also hope you'll let me know of future opportunities with (company name) because, as you know, things change.

Thank you so much for your generous offer and kindness -


I was told to put in "respect my decision" so he wouldn't try and re-sell the opportunity on me, which I thought was a good idea.

Here is his response, which is TOTALLY untrue:

"I understand this was a difficult decision for you and certainly respect it. However, I must say I am disappointed in you. As a recruiter, you should know better than to verbally accept/email accept a job offer and then go two plus days with no communication. If you were having second thoughts, you should have at least sent me an email stating such and request additional time to consider the offer. That would have been more than acceptable to me.

I wish you well and good luck in your future endeavors. "

See, the offer letter gave me until the FOURTH to make a decision (I turned it down at 6:00a on the 4th). He kept telling me he'd send me the offer letter over and over, and was a whole day late in getting that to me until I told him I was going into work because I wasn't going to lose a job before I accepted another one. THEN all of a sudden the offer letter arrived in my Inbox - it became a priority, as well as getting the benefits package to me by meeting with him that day for lunch or simply mailing it to me.

No, I did not respond with all of this. I'm "letting it go". I'm not going to give myself a bad name in this business. Older Woman said he probably got all excited and told the Partners about me (he had to show my resume to them, etc.), how he "closed the deal" on me, and now he has to go back and tell them I turned it down. Plus, we really DID have this great connection.

I wish he wouldn't have been such a spoil sport. It makes me feel awful about what I did.

Interview Tips

Okay - my career decision is in my last entry! So much drama...always...

I promised I would post my job tips that I counsel my candidates for job interviewing almost every day, so here they are - PHONE interviews first, and FACE TO FACE interviews last. Apply many of the tips in the "phone interview" portion to the "face to face", ok? That's why the "face to face" isn't as long.

First thing to remember: You are in a SALES MODE when interviewing - you are "selling your skills" to the interviewer! If you don't do it, who will? (If you're *my* candidate, *I* will, but I can't interview for you....)

If you TRUST me on this, I promise, you will have much more successful interviews.


FYI: An interviewer will actually bring in a candidate from a phone interview that is less qualified but they had a more pleasant conversation with than someone who is more qualified but did not have good chemistry with over the phone. Keep this in mind and keep it pleasant!

Make sure you are in a place where you can speak freely and with volume. (Not hunched over your desk whispering while at work, for example)
Make sure you have time to speak without distractions
Never work and talk at the same time - give it your UNDIVIDED attention

One of the most IMPORTANT things I can stress in a phone interview (or face to face) is to SOUND ENTHUSIASTIC and EXCITED about the opportunity from beginning to end. Don't be openly skeptical about *anything* - remember, you can't reject or accept an offer you haven't been given!!

You're at a disadvantage on the phone because you can't see your interviewer's reactions, so your objective is to get a face-to-face interview. If you think it is going well, tell the interviewer you'd like to come in to meet and learn more! (Be confident and upbeat - always - about saying this!)

It really is true - you think better on your feet! If possible, stand while talking. You can even look in a mirror and try to smile. The way you look many times reflects how you "sound", and again - you want to sound EXCITED and ENTHUSIASTIC about the job!

Answering questions:

Take time to answer the question - don't just spit out the first answer that comes to your mind to have a quick answer ready. Take a few seconds if you need to, or even say "that's a good question, let me think about that for just a moment..."

Feel free to take notes, but don't let them hear you flipping through pages or pecking at the keyboard. You'd be surprised at what you can hear over the phone.

DO NOT DISCUSS MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you shoot too low, you may not get what you should get. If you shoot too high, you may knock yourself out of the competition.
Say "Although compensation is an important consideration, the OPPORTUNITY is most important to me".

ALWAYS elaborate with more than a "yes" or "no" to questions. For example, if someone asked, "Have you ever used Microsoft Windows?", say "Yes, I have used it (here) by doing (this), or however you want to word it to show your EXPERTISE. If the answer is "no", that's OKAY! It gives you a chance to show your willingness to learn. If they asked "Have you ever ?", don't panic! You can say "no, but I've heard of it", maybe tell what you do know about it, and stress that you will do what you need to do to learn it - such as take a class on your own after hours, buy a book, etc. Let them know you love to learn new things, and pick them up very quickly. This can actually work in your favor (unless it's everything in the whole interview, of course) :-). Also, NEVER answer a question with just "no". Always say "No, but....".

Never BS. Even if you *do* get the job, they'll find out the first week.

Never give a weakness that is technically relevant to the skills required in the position. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Someone may ask "Do you know Windows?", and the person might say "Yes", and then add, for NO REASON "but I don't know Internet Explorer" (I'm trying to stay basic here!). Or..."Sometimes I have a problem letting go of a project that's not completed". Just don't do it!


When they ask if you have any questions, BE READY!

Try asking for the face-to-face interview. You might say something like "This sounds like a great opportunity and I'm sure I'll have many questions. I'd like to come in and meet you and see the operation/environment."

ONLY ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OPPORTUNITY! Never ask about vacation, benefits, money, etc. If you're *just so tempted* to do it, remember...if you get to that "negotiation stage", you're going to find out anyway, so why ruin your chances before they've begun to start?

These are only suggestions, but you might ask "How do you reward top performers?". This will let them know that you must be a top performer and puts THEM into a sales mode. Instead of YOU asking what the company can do for you, the interviewer gladly volunteers the information.

If this is a permanent, long term opportunity, ask where do they see you in 3-5 years? This will show you see this as a long term career, and will also give you an idea of your career path.

Remember, be VERY CONFIDENT and ENTHUSIASTIC about the opportunity, but of course, you don't want to come off as "cocky" or arrogant".

Conclusion of Interview:

Wrap it up by asking if there is anything in your background that you need to clarify. You are in SALES MODE right now - selling your skills. You want to be SURE you've left nothing behind that's lingering in the interviewer's mind.


Let the interviewer KNOW that you are very interested in the position, in whatever way feels the most comfortable for you (FACE TO FACE AND PHONE). Some people can come out and say "I want this position, when do I start?". For my own personality, I'm not that aggressive. You can also say "I am very interested in this position." Remember, just because you pick up the phone when they call does NOT mean you are interested in the job.

Okay, on a personal level. This question has been the most important question I've ever asked on any interview.

"Do you have any concerns about my skills or ability to handle this job?" Your interviewer will be very honest when you ask this question.
For me personally, as a Recruiter, what has come up numerous times is my lack of "assertiveness/aggressiveness". I'm not an "arrogant" in your face type of person. I don't come across, on first impression, as a Type A personality, but you'd better believe I am. An Account Manager likes to call my tactics "sweet like a fox". I just use different approaches. So I get the chance to "sell" this to the interviewer. I've had to do this TWICE now, and got the job both times.

The next two questions are only natural, because you will want to know:

What's the next step?
When can I expect to hear from you?


FACE to FACE Interview

I wish I could help anyone reading this with their own personal face to face interview. There are things I'd love to go over individually. I'll do my best on a general scale:

Once again - be ENTHUSIASTIC (I just can't stress this enough!) and SELL YOURSELF. And again, you can't reject or accept an offer you haven't been given.

Make sure you give a FIRM handshake, and ALWAYS be standing, NEVER sitting when shaking hands.

Dress: It's better to go OVERDRESSED than underdressed. I argue with people all the time that they see people at MicroSoft who wear shorts, so why can't they interview in jeans or khaki's? (MicroSoft is not one of our clients). My answer to them is: I bet they didn't INTERVIEW in shorts. I always recommend wearing a suit for men, and a skirt and jacket for women. Why? Because your interviewer is thinking to themselves "THIS is the best I will ever see this person look". If you do not have this and cannot afford it, I completely understand. For men, if you have dress slacks and a sports jacket - that's great...women, a black skirt and a blouse - just something conservative and no loud colors or big jewelry, no heavy cologne, etc. NO JEANS!

The more interest you show in your interviewer, the more interest they will be in you.

Try to break the ice in order to develop a good chemistry with all interviews, such as taking note of personal items in the office and relating them to yourself or complimenting them.

Always be aware of proper seating and why - your body language (no crossed arms, fidgety legs, etc.), good eye contact, no smoking or nervous habits (or like I once did, gassed up my car and spilled gas on myself!).

Entirely complete any application (be neat), and write "open" in salary blank of application. Under references, write "available upon request".

Answer questions fully (no "yes or no" answers - see phone interview, above)

See "phone interview" for rest of tips.

If anyone has READ this far, do you need help negotiating a salary/rate?

From the placements I make, to getting 2 offers on the spot in two days, I'm TELLING you, these tips work.

I have more, but this is too long already.

Feel free to email me if you have any questions.....sorry if this was boring....:-)

My Career Decision

Well, I didn't quit today. Yesterday, at my boss's urging because he "called me out" as SOON as I got to work about interviewing, I showed him, what was already written on paper, my two offers from two different companies. He talked and talked and talked for over an hour. What he actually said I can't even recall. You have to remember - he's a SALESman, so a lot of it is just "jabber". You know..."you're part of the family, you're doing so well..." blah blah. He asked me if he could do what I was offered or better, would I stay? I said yes. the end of the day when I'm leaving (SEVEN P.M.!), he tells me to wait and talk to him before I leave. The last guy there had been walking out with me, so he walked out and I just sat in the chair by his desk. He asked me what I wanted. I pulled out the "better offer" out of my purse, and told him "THIS". He looked at it and looked at it. He asked what company it was with and I told him. He then said he needed to do the numbers and put together a new "contract" that would work for both of us. I thought "whatever - he's going to try to take advantage of me, the cheap bastard", and left.

This morning, we had our normal meeting, and then, of ALL PEOPLE, ACCOUNT SUPERSTAR (way previous entries) came to my desk and asked if he could talk to me. He talked about how he'd been there for 6 years (he makes over $200k and started where I did, with the same previous experience, but...ya know, how do you ever know you'll be that successful?), and was pretty much honest about everything. I was shocked by him saying I was my boss's #1 recruiter and probably the #1 in the office, and of COURSE he had to add "although I don't think you and I have ever had a deal together....". No, we haven't. I don't recruit for the "stuck on himself" guy that just annoys me to no end most of the time. But...he said to listen to what my boss had to say, and to give him a chance.

So...I went to my boss and asked if he was ready to talk. He had a new "contract" already printed out on his desk face down, grabbed it, and we grabbed a conference room. I don't remember what he said, but then he put the contract in front of me. I was flabbergasted. It had EVERYTHING ON IT I had asked for! And...I was shocked he "checked up on me". He called his Recruiting Firm buddies and asked about the company I was planning on leaving for and...I suppose he found out I was actually going to a well respected firm in this "particular kind of IT", a few people had just retired in their 40's because they made so much (seriously, although he told me that a few "key players" had just left - makes it sound a bit worse, doesn't it?), and...I'm sure he found out that they're one of our competitors. Basically, one of his best recruiters would be recruiting for jobs AGAINST him if I left for them, right? The company has inside connections in this "certain type of IT" world, but at my current company, I'm not stuck to ONLY working on that - I can work on whatever I want. And, they had set "measurement goals" on me, which I didn't like.

So, while I was thinking "WOW, he actually DID IT?", I was playing cool. I had to act like...I know I'm worth this much money - I expected AT LEAST this much of an offer, right? He asked "so this is what you wanted, right? You're accepting?", and I just put my hands on my forehead and let my breath out really slowly and said..."well...I don't know...", and tried really hard not to laugh. I talked about how the company was like my family, and how I liked working for him (cough), but the other company also had XYZ to offer, so it was a hard decision.

He then went into "sales" mode, trying to "close" me, and I let him talk for awhile, and then I accepted.

I signed the contract, he signed it, that I'm being paid all and not 1/2 of my contractor's rates - I think I almost doubled my whole "takehome" pay. Yes - you read that right. Almost DOUBLED. I think he's right when he said we'll have to revisit it in a year because I'll want less of a base and more commission, and he said he's okay with that.

It's really weird - some people have left recently, and he let one person go today. Yet...he wasn't about to let me quit like he did them. Do you think they would have left if he did to them what he did to me? NO FRIGGIN' WAY. I know why they left, and it wouldn't have happened.

It feels good to be respected and cherished as an employee...but it makes me wonder, why? I know I had a good month financially last month, but still...why?

On another note....I feel REALLY BAD about my relationship with Bipolar Girl. One of the companies that asked to interview me that I HATED the manager I'd be reporting to....well, she really wants to work there. She said to me a few weeks ago "let's make a pact that when there are openings, we'll leave, ok?", and I was upset that day, and said "ok". But then I didn't tell her they called me wanting me to interview. She figured it out and said something to Older Woman who kind of gave it away, and told her something like that wasn't going to happen for her until she put "numbers on the board". (meaning - making deals). The thing is...she needs the money SO MUCH MORE than I do. It was so obvious that day - my boss kept grabbing me to go into a conference room, and I'd been out the day before, and....I think everyone knew. At the company she wants to go to,'s not "all that" that she thinks it is. Or maybe I'm wrong - it really could be "all that" for her - who's to say?

So - I promised my boss I'd give him 1 full year with him. We'll see if that's a good year or a year of hell. :-)

Okay - I'll post the job tips I promised next...

Post - Would you Like Job Tips?

Would anyone like for me to post the do's/don'ts about phone interviews and face-to-face interviews that I give all of my candidates before they go on either? I had good luck with my own advice, getting two job offers on the spot with my "rules", and read about other's troubles "getting" that job on blogs. My tips really WORK if you just TRUST ME. As long as you have the skills, I can get you through the rest. Jobs are usually about 60% chemistry anyway.

Let me know...I have a good success rate at work...

And my boss just called and left a message on my cell. I'm going to throw up...

Another Offer ON THE SPOT

I left work yesterday at about 12:30p and didn't go back. Why?

An Acc't Manager/Sr. Recruiter who recently left our company after being there for 6 years recommended me for an open position at the company she recently went to when she quit our company. She LOVES and GUSHES about this company to everyone she knows. I thought it was worth checking out, and she knew I already had an offer on the table and told them.

I REALLY liked everyone I met. Except one person. The person I'd be REPORTING to everyday! The Director was awesome, and once again, was made an offer ON THE SPOT by him! Mark said I must have "figured out the formula", but it's nothing that I don't coach my candidates on every single time they have a face-to-face interview. I didn't ask good questions at the end - that was my only downfall.

Anyways...the guy that I don't like. I can't get him out of my head! He insulted me several times. He kept his arms crossed a lot of the time he was talking to me, which I know is body language for being "closed up" to anything I was saying - and I don't know why. He knew my boss because he had sat RIGHT NEXT TO HIM like I did, and he kept bad mouthing him. He couldn't believe that I was "out of the red" where I work (I work for 100% commission), and mentioned it several times, and I finally just TOLD him what I was making on a yearly basis right now. He looked incredulous. He told me he didn't "know about me or could decide about me" because of my lack of assertiveness/aggressiveness. Trust me, this is NOT an issue for me,'s the second time in my life I've heard this in a Recruiting interview and have had to overcome it. As one Account Manager calls my tactic, I'm "sweet like a fox".

He told me he heard that my putting $29k on the "board" (which is gross, not the amount that I actually get) this month was because my boss heard I was thinking of leaving, got me to working on only his jobs, and pushed my candidates to his clients. I was SO OFFENDED. He is so wrong, and why would he say that? We talked about the tactics my boss was using on me to get me to stay, and maybe he got jealous because my boss didn't use the same on him when he tried to leave? I have NO IDEA what his problem was.

Anyways...the president of the company made a big deal about putting me in the frame of mind that I was ALREADY working there, talking about what my email address was going to be, and the Director made a big deal about everyone not letting me leave without him talking to me first.

He came in when the Manager was still there, and we were talking numbers right before then, and I found out the the base pay was $20k LOWER than the offer I already have! I must have made a face, because he said "You made a weird face, so NOW I guess you're going to ask an aggressive question!" and threw his pen down. I said the things I'm supposed to - the opportunity is the most important thing, I'm a high performer and a more aggressive commission structure is better for me than a higher base pay, etc.

The Director then walked in, and while all this time the Manager had me thinking I had to convince HIM to hire me, the Director was the one who made the decision and gave me the offer while the Manager left!

How DARE he make me think it was his decision and try to "call me out" like that.

The Director said to think about the opportunity tonight and today, and call him by the end of business today and give him my answer. Obviously, I'm going to turn it down. It doesn't specialize in the "particular kind of IT" that pays so much better and is well sought after, has a $20k lower base pay, can't touch the 401k plan (4% matching and 7% just given to me!), and I really like who my new boss will be at the new company.

I've told Older Woman and Mark about what happened, and they told me to be honest about the Manager. Tell him he offended me, and that the Director won't be shocked - he will already know about his personality, and it will just confirm it to him. I told them I don't want to "close a door", but their statement was "how would you do that? You would never want to work for him anyway". The Director was SO NICE, though. I hate turning it down to the person that was the nicest to me. And I hate turning it down when an ex-worker really respects me and stuck her neck out for me to get me an interview. She put her reputation on the line.

Other than that...I'm not at work right now. I feel like, why go in and try to fill jobs that I'm not going to get paid for, and may be trying to fill at my new job? My boss has GOT to know something is going on. I was at the interview yesterday for THREE HOURS, so it was about 3:45 when I got out, and I thought...why go back, and my "potential" new boss needed a copy of my resume to put together an offer letter. Now I called in, and just tell me that my boss isn't thinking something isn't going on with me?

It will be good for me to get out of that environment, boss doesn't really bother me like he used to. The icky Manager at the other company told me my boss hasn't changed, I just got used to him. I don't agree. He HAS changed. I don't feel any malice towards him. I like him. I feel bad about leaving him, when he was my mentor. He really taught me a lot about being a good Recruiter, even though he didn't do it in the best Managerial style.

Older Woman wants the best for me, the same time, she doesn't want me to leave because I keep getting "deals" with her. No one else has gotten a deal with her since she started, and I've gotten 2 with her, and I may be on my way to my 3rd at a company that is VERY hard to get someone hired.

I know I'm good at what I do, and the fact that idiot Manager couldn't see that really bothers me, and I can't get it out of my head. My mind keeps replaying the things he said and did over and over. He was a jerk. He was an asshole, as Older Woman called him.

Maybe I should start getting ready for work? I left a message to my potential new boss that I'm excited about the new position, have a good candidate base ready, and don't want to try to fill any jobs that I might be filling in my new company. Got to "stroke", even for a candidate....

UPDATE: It's noon, and I'm still at home. My new boss said he'd have the offer letter to me by lunch time, we've spoken several times by phone and email, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel INCREDIBLY anxious. No, not take 8 100mg Seroquel anxious, but get this. I weighed myself, then went to the bathroom, and afterwards, lost A WHOLE POUND! That's how anxious I am. My anxiety works to my advantage when it comes to losing weight (loss of appetite - increased bowel movements, etc.).

Now I'm just waiting on that offer letter. I hope it says that benefits start on June 1st or I'm screwed...I simply won't sign it unless it does. I don't trust my boss re: COBRA, and I HAVE to have medical insurance, of course. Otherwise, that's at least $1500 out my pocket...
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