Anxiety/Just Work Stuff

I feel so anxious - I just took 4 more klonipin on top of the 3 I'd already taken. I always have left over Klonipin, and one does absolutely nothing, so...we'll see if this helps.

Another consulting company contacted me last last week about a position with their firm. I know nothing about the position, and hardly anything about the firm. I'm open to discussing it, though. It's interesting, NONE of these job opportunities have come from posting my resume online for 2-3 days. It's all from reputation/Linked In. I think it's driving my boss insane, and I don't know how he knows...EXCEPT!!!

Older Woman hangs back after meetings with the Account Managers, and they have a meeting of their own. My boss said to ALL of them "KansasSunflower is bored", making it THEIR fault that they didn't get the right kinds of jobs to keep me happy. How ridiculous is that? Older Woman asked me...who did I tell? Did I tell Bipolar Girl? I thought no....and then I really thought about it, and yes...I think I did. Would she sell me out? She would sell her soul to make that man happy with her and like her. I have no idea why. My guess is that it went something like this, because he's done it to me before about other people..."Bipolar Girl, do you know if KansasSunflower is happy here?", and she probably went "blah blah blah she said she's bored, but she's okay", because I DID tell her I was bored there. I've got to watch what I say around her. Now I wonder if my boss knows about the Big-4 firm, too? I ought to tell HIM that SHE is using company resources to staff on the side. It hasn't made her any money yet, but it might eventually. She'd better not be squealing on me - I have too much dirt on her.

Older Woman wants her own "team", and my boss told her that once she got 2 new clients, she could hire people and start a team. She has 3 new clients, and is ready for her speech with him. She has an outline prepared and everything. Except. I know him too well - I can tell he does NOT like her, she actually annoys him immensely, and I would be SHOCKED if he let her have her own team to do with what she wanted when he doesn't believe in her methods. What do I believe? They both are so different, and both of them have things I learn from - good and bad. My boss - I learn to sell. I learn how to paint a picture rosy to a candidate, how to make them WANT that position more than anything. Too much actually, to where they're frickin calling me all the time. From her, I've learned to get the details. Thoroughness, but she goes overboard. So does he - he's unrealistic and pushy. Different styles.

If she isn't allowed to start her own team, she is going to start interviewing elsewhere, and she said by the end of the week, he will be completely aware of what she is doing. I don't understand the logic of that. Isn't the idea to hold on to your job until you find another one? To keep getting paid while you look for work someplace else? I would say, that means keep it on the down-low (as if I'm one to talk), but...who knows?

I wish this anxiety would go seems to be all work related. And I don't feel like I'll ever get a job anywhere else and be stuck where I am forever, no matter how many people call/email me. Don't get me wrong, I *know* there are much worse places to recruit, but still....I'm ready to move on to bigger, brighter, better things.

I Don't Want to Be Impulsive!

I'm still hormonal, but...

I feel more than just a "twinge" of impulsiveness. Right this second, it's coming in waves of sending emails. I'm HORRIBLE about sending emails that I can't take back....ever, of course, and I regret for the REST OF MY LIFE.

It started, because, you see, this is the way these things get started. This time, it was by my looking people up on Linked In, and of course, my mind went to someone I dated in the 90's. I saw that he is now a Sr. Director where we both once worked, and I had the "more than twinge" to email him. Not to see him, not to TALK by voice to him, just to email him. But I stopped myself. I was THIS CLOSE to requesting an "add on" as a link to LinkedIn, and then decided against that, too. What purpose would it serve except to put a feather in his cap that I thought of him? Hrmph. I don't want to give him the satisfaction. Not that things ended badly! Or that HE even ended things - he didn't! I just don't want him to get the "last word" - does that make sense? And I don't want to hurt Mark if he found out over something innocent. That doesn't mean the TWINGE is gone, though.

THESE are the things I think about when I feel "impulsive". It's not shopping, it's not typically any of the regular bipolar manic things I read about as symptoms. For me, it's "bad judgment" all the way. It would be BAD JUDGMENT for me to email him or anyone else I think I could email. There's NO PURPOSE to add that element to my life! I don't want it, don't need it, and Mark would find out about something completely innocent and not eat for days. Seriously. It's happened. When this SAME THING occurred, but I gave in, and went too far, albeit it was innocent.

At work, things just pop out of my mouth in response to what people say to me, to others around me, etc. I've typically been able to bite my tongue, but not always. I feel brave, brazen, as if I have something to prove, to stand up for myself, over the smallest things. And the tiniest things really upset me at work.

It's the same thing with jobs. All of a sudden, I want to change jobs. The fact that ANOTHER Recruiter is pursuing me isn't helping. But I want to change my life. I'm IMPULSIVE. I'm pushing everything away and wanting to replace it with something new.

But not Mark - he's my one mainstay.

I even found new music stations last night on satellite in my car that I saved as favorites. Bizarre, huh? That my taste in music would change suddenly?

I don't know - this is a bit extreme to chalk up to hormones. I'll just have to wait a few more days and see, I guess.

An option would be to take more Seroquel before bed each night, thinking this is a form of hypomania. But no, not this time. It increases my appetite, I've gained like 10 pounds since last year (but I weighed right before I started my hormonal time - ha, I'm trying to be so PC), and I just hate it. I'm going to fight through it on my own.

HOWEVER. The only thing that scares me is that I know however far up (if you can call this UP, which it doesn't feel like it) I go, I will crash just as hard. UNLESS. This is the "up" related to the severe "DOWN" I just went through - and the order is somehow reversed? Can that happen? I never hear people talk about it working THAT way.

We shall see.

Impulsive - Wilson Phillips (1990 - haha)


Everything is YUCK for me right now. Sure, things could be worse, but that's doesn't mean they're great.

Work is weird. My boss acts strange around me, and not good strange. I guess I betrayed him, but gosh! I put my resume online twice - why doesn't he just let me look for other jobs? Why does he have to keep confronting me about it?

I'm very hormonal right now, so please excuse me pre-eminently.

I'm pretty mad at Older Woman. To make a long story short, to get an account to a database that my boss didn't want her to have to begin with, she has to grant it to me. It's a database where all of the people who are unemployed in my state store their resumes and search for jobs. Perfect, right? But someone has to be the "gatekeeper", and since she was the first one, it's her. I can't go to my boss about it, because I already know, and have heard him telling someone, it's a stupid idea and doesn't work, but I don't agree - if you're good at what you do. So anyways, I thought of this SECOND - she thought of this FIRST. Of course. She's only been a recruiter her whole damned life.

Anyways, she said okay, if she hadn't called to get me an account by the end of the day, remind her to do it and she would. Well, the day came and left, and she hadn't done it. And I've been PISSED ever since! Do you know what I DO FOR HER??? I used my 1300+ contacts to find her Hiring Managers into companies to get accounts for job openings, I TELL her about companies that are hiring, and I'm the only Recruiter that has filled ANY of her jobs besides her. And I've filled FOUR of them. Hardly anyone else will work on them. And she can't give me this one thing?

You think she forgot? Get THIS. It's like I REMINDED her that it even existed! She actually CALLED me on the phone and asked me to get her copies from the printer that she'd printed from that VERY SAME DATABASE before my either she or my boss arrived to work, because he gets FURIOUS with her that she's such a paper hog. It was a HUGE slap in my face.

I will no longer recruit for her, I will do what I should have been doing all along - using the leads I get and turn them into my OWN Accounts, and look up Hiring Managers for MYSELF. Do you SEE how NICE I was being to her? Eff it.

Bipolar Girl has made 2 placements in the past week, and I'm glad for her, and jealous at the same time. I haven't been doing so well because I was out on vacation and didn't get resumes in, and I haven't been focused - looking for other jobs. I'm focused again, though.

Sales is SO competitive. You want to do better than anyone else, and you hate it when someone else is doing better than you are. So here I am, stuck being jealous that my friend is making deals, listening to it all day because she sits right beside me. It's an AWFUL predicament to be in.

I haven't received a second interview from the Big-4 yet. I know they can take such a long time and I should be patient, but I'm just giving up.

I DID receive an email, once again, from Linked In, from a company that specializes in "my type of technology" that is looking for a great recruiter. See, this is what I like. Companies that don't ADVERTISE they have a job, and find me by networking. Applying for jobs does me NOTHING. Networking is like magic. Either by my reputation or from Linked In, these job opportunities keep popping up. Nothing ever came from the 2 or 3 days I had my resume on Monster and Dice except calls from agencies where I would NEVER work. Trust me, agencies and their reputations get around pretty quick in the Recruiter-world in this city.

I just feel angry, a lot of the time I feel like I could just start crying, I never laugh, I barely smile, I'm not happy.

I hate my job and the people I work with everyday. I hate them!!! No, they're not overtly mean to me, most are actually overtly nice to me, but I'm sick to death of working there. I'm sick of the "3 of us" - Older Woman, Bipolar Girl and me. I don't want us to be a 3-some anymore. I'm not like them, and they're not like me. AT ALL. We just got stuck together situationally, but logically, it makes no sense.

Sadly, they're the only friends I have.

Screw it. I want to push EVERYTHING away. My job, my friends, my family, EVERYTHING but Mark.

My Dad is still recovering, I guess, from his suicidal attempt about a month ago. I pushed him away, too. He sent me a "poor me" email and med update, saying how much he missed me calling and checking on him. He always has been someone who BASKED in people feeling sorry for him, which is why it annoys me. His suicidal attempt was real - he's still physically and mentally scarred from it (I guess - I'm not in Colorado), he sent a memo to everyone he knew about putting his dog to sleep (yes, I have empathy, I still miss my dog), but my God. I didn't send an email to the world when he died, you know? So EVERYONE can feel sorry for me and send me "I hope you feel better soon" messages? Give me a friggin break. I realize everyone needs a support group - but he's got a ton of people in Colorado supporting him!!

Everything is boring to me and not worth doing - nothing on television interests me, my Sims game seems boring, I can't even find a genre of music that seems to suit me right now.

I'm just going through the motions of living my life. Doing what I have to do to get through the day, until tomorrow rolls around while I dread going through the motions AGAIN. Even the weekend brings me no pleasure, but I'd rather it be the weekend than Monday morning.

That's why I haven't blogged. I haven't even felt like doing that. Mark just leaned over (not to see what I was writing), but said "Hey! You're back to blogging! You always liked to do that!". Why did he say that? Does he know I'm unhappy? I've hidden it from everyone though....

It really could be these damned hormones. If I'd written in my blog, say, 3 or 4 days ago, I'd have something to compare. Maybe that's a message - obviously I didn't feel like blogging then, either, so everything must have still been "yuck".

Second Big-4 Interview

I had applied for a 2nd Sr. Recruiter position at the Big-4, and the whole thing got SO confusing. I had updated my resume with my maiden name and home phone number, right? So when I sent my resume, it was a different name and number than the first one I sent, and the same girl got it. However! She recognized the resume and KNEW it was me! That could be good, or bad, right? I got an email that she wanted to interview me, and when she called, I started to explain, but she just laughed and said she knew it had to be me when she saw my resume. I didn't want her to think I was tricking her candidate system or something.

The original position was eliminated because the person in it decided to stay, she said, and apologized profusely. She's so nice! Although...she could have let me know before Friday, right?

Anyway, the interview was only about 15 minutes because she had already interviewed me before, and we get along quite well. She forwarding my resume on and said I should hear something by Monday or Tuesday. I'm not holding my breath. I'm a Recruiter - I say things like that, too, when I honestly don't know. But! I would actually like this job better than the "specialized technology" field one. This is more client-facing and with leadership skills needed. I'm more excited about it than I was the other one. This time, I'm more excited about the JOB than the COMPANY.

Every time I think about the conversation my boss had with me when he caught my resume online (again), I'm MORTIFIED. I keep remembering little details he said. He stated that someone brought the resume to him and said it was me, and someone else brought it to him saying I'd be a good fit for the company. I guess he called the number and it was my voice, because he said it was my number. It's kind of weird between us right now. I wonder how long that will last? GOSH I wish I could just post my resume online, but do you know what I was getting (in the 2-3 short days in was online)? Jobs EXACTLY like mine, and I bet they don't pay as well or more than mine. I want something different. I'm bored. I'm not motivated anymore, and while I know it's my responsibility to motivate myself, I just don't want to anymore. And because of it, I'm not doing very well.

Do you KNOW how many klonipin I had to take to do the Big-4 phone interview? SIX. I took three a few hours ahead - barely anything, so I took 3 more, and felt better. I think I get a little TOO relaxed in my conversation, so I need to cut back just a bit!!!!

I'm going to keep applying for jobs online, and just leave my resume offline. The only thing is, I KNOW what HR Recruiters make, and it's just not enough that I'd leave my job. Yet...that's the kind of job I want.

The position I really want may be contract to hire, so Mark and I might need to get married so I'd have health benefits. I know it's not very romantic, but isn't it work $1500/month? I'd like to try and make it romantic in some way...


I don't even want to think about this long enough to write about it. I want to push it far into my memory bank.

I put my resume online last weekend, I think? I was out of the office on Monday and Tuesday (I don't really know why?) and came in today. My boss said he needed to talk to me, and I thought...oh crap. He's going to fire me. So we sit down, and you know what he wanted to talk about? MY RESUME ONLINE! This is the SECOND TIME he's found it out there! God, what do people do in my business to get another job?? I changed my name, changed the dates, used a phone number that I had deleted out of our database, didn't put company names, NOTHING! He said he thought he gave me an excellent comp plan (he did), he planned on doing this, and doing that, and he keeps saying our agreement is until next JULY, but it's not! It's until next May, MAYBE June at the latest. He's such a salesman. Keep saying something enough times and people will believe it. So I had to sit there and convince him I didn't want to leave, but mainly, I just sat there and listened to him while he went on and on about the grass being greener on the other side. It was SO uncomfortable. In the end, he asked me to take my resume offline (again), and that he hoped I would come to him if anything was ever bothering me, blah blah blah.

Why am I such a respected employee? I called Mark, and he asked the same thing. What is it that I *do*? He said he would never do that for one of his employees - if they wanted to leave, what would be the purpose of MAKING them stay? My boss is just weird. I'm not *all that*. Is it a vibe I bring to the office? It's got to be something intangible. I make people laugh or something?

I went to get my Adderall prescription from my psychiatrist today, and the girl who was with him when I was there had gone to the restroom, so she was at the elevator when I was leaving. She asked me if I was a patient of my doctor's, and I said yes. She said "you sure don't look like a patient!". I didn't know how to take that. I said "Gee...thanks...I guess?". She stumbled over herself trying to explain what she meant, but I knew what she meant. I just didn't know what to say after she made her comment. I don't look like a LUNATIC, basically, is what she meant. Did she? Well, no...not by outwardly appearances, but she ACTED a bit like a "patient". But hey - she just came from an appointment - don't we all get to act like one afterwards?

When I was WAITING for my Adderall to be filled by the pharmacy, I just drove around. I realized, too late, that I was on the street headed for the emergency vet's office where Cody died. It was pretty traumatic for me. To think...19 months have passed, and I still feel that terror, was shaken, and have unbelievable pain from a year and a half ago. Now, even as I sit here recalling the event, I'm crying uncontrollably, and saying to myself "I'm so sorry!" as if Cody could hear. I'm typing in between episodes, of course. It hit me HARD because that's where he actually DIED. That's where he "expired", as the vet said to me. I still have no idea what they did with his body, and from some stories I've heard of what they do to animals' bodies, I'd rather not know for sure. It's better this way, I keep telling myself, and making myself believe. He was a very aggressive dog, and while he didn't deserve to die, hopefully he went peacefully and, while I don't think so, painlessly, knowing we loved him very much.

I'm a basket case lately. Even Mark said I was, but not quite in those words. He did comment that I needed to make an appointment with my dr. But for what? And why? I have nothing to tell him. I laugh during the day, I get my work done (ha! when I go to work, that is), and seem normal enough (shrug). True, I put my resume online. True, I skipped work for 2 days and have no reason to show for it. True, I lost it about Cody's vet. Mark said I've been cranky, but I think it's just my reaction to HIM. He actually had this serious talk with me, can you believe that? He never does that.

I'm FINE. Wouldn't I be the first person to know if I weren't?

Home Day #2

Today was Day #2 that I stayed home from work. I'm not sick, I....just can't seem to make myself go to work. Or leave the house except to get something to eat. All I can do is apply for jobs, but actually, there's really nothing wrong with the one I have. Wait. I take that back. I hate the jobs we have to work on and feel like it's a waste of my time. Maybe that's the whole issue, huh? Mark was still in Boston today, and when I spoke to him, he asked me if I was going to see my doctor. I told him no, that was silly, except I'm out of Adderall and need a refill tomorrow. Dangit. He thinks there's something wrong with me and I need to see my psychiatrist because of how I've been "behaving". He called me at HOME bright and early this morning. I asked how did he even know I was here? He just said he "figured".

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'll go to work tomorrow. Right now, I feel EXHAUSTED, even though I laid in bed awhile today. I applied for job after job - HR jobs, not just Recruiter jobs. Basically, jobs I'll never get. And jobs I don't WANT are calling and emailing. Sure, my resume looks perfect for the job I already HAVE, duh. I just don't feel like tweaking it and morphing it into something I'll have to lie about - and badly - later. I've been there, done that, for a year already (beginning of blog), and I couldn't find a job for about 9 months. However, I had NO experience as a Recruiter back then!

I guess I'll take my nighttime meds and watch Big Brother 8 Season Finale. The thing is - I can't stand EITHER Daniele or Dick, don't want EITHER to win, and think neither have morals or even a soul - that would be worth saving, anyway. I despise them, especially Daniele for some reason. She floated along on her evil father's coat tails.

Skipped Out of Work

I stayed home from work today. I'm not sick - I just had NO motivation. I got up and took a bath, had my clothes laid out, and went back to bed. I wasn't overly tired, I just did NOT want to work, plain and simple. I'm already (by my calculations) 4 days in the hole for Paid Time Off, but I don't care.

I was laying in bed when Mark was grabbing his suitcase to be gone for the week for work, and he mentioned I didn't go to work today, I'd been lying in bed a lot lately, and I'd been cranky. He said to remember my health - how important it was, and then stressed "mental health". I think I've been cranky - but only towards HIM - because of his comment about "talking up the good looking girl". I HAVE been laying in bed, but I'm bored and tired. And work? I don't know, I've been applying for the kind of job I WANT, but the kinds of jobs I do NOT want, like what I have, are calling me. Makes sense - that's what I have experience doing, right?

I just took 4 Seroquel (I've been taking 2 lately for sleep when I'd been taking 1 previously because of the Abilify giving me restlessness), and hope I can blissfully sleep.

Maybe I am out of whack, I don't know. I just didn't go to work today. Big deal. I'll chalk it up as a "mental health" day. 12 days of PTO, including sick leave, is just NOT enough for me. I need a job with at least 3 weeks of vacation plus a week for sick leave. But in Recruiting, being gone is the LAST thing they want you to do - it's a sin or something. They make you feel so guilty for missing any time at if your whole business depended on it. I guess it kind of does....


I've had so little going on, that I've had little to write about lately.

I was FURIOUS with Mark on Friday night. It's too bad, too. I was wanting this EXACT BMW key chain, exactly like his Mercedes one that the dealer gave him, but couldn't find it ANYWHERE after searching for months. He told me on the phone that he had a "surprise", a "present" to give me, and I was so shocked to see he had found it! I didn't even know he was looking for it for me! It was so sweet of him, and now it means a lot to me because he went to so much trouble to find that elusive item for me....

Anyways, why I got so mad. I can't even remember how we got started, but he was talking about a guy he worked with that has or had a "wondering eye", and just got divorced. Then, the idiot said he was talking to this "really good looking girl" at work at some function, "chatting her up", and then this guy is now calling him "The Boss" because he was so impressed Mark did that. Now tell me, don't I have a right to be FURIOUS? "Chatting her up"? Now I don't trust him when he goes out of town, like I did. He's "chatting girls up"? Ones he considers "really good looking" at work?

I quickly let him know how upset I was, but I was so mad, I just kept quiet afterwards. Well that drove him nuts and he accused me of giving him the "silent treatment". I don't do that, though! I just don't say anything because it's better that way, never to punish him.

It lasted the rest of the night and into yesterday, and I'm still actually pretty pissed. He freaked out on me yesterday, which makes me even MORE suspicious now. I know that one reaction of someone who is cheating or doing something wrong is to show anger. We were in his car, and he just let out what I would call a "primal scream", pulled the car over, got out with it still running, and just walked off. I was considering driving it home and just making him call a cab or walk home, but I had taken 2 Seroquel, so I laid my seat down and tried to fall asleep. He came back, I suppose after he had cooled down, and I guess he felt better because he thought he had control of the situation. But he doesn't.

I'm still pissed and suspicious. I'm hurt. I'm angry. He's caught me sending emails to/from my ex's in the past and it really upset him, so maybe I should just get over it.

But now I see him differently. Is he a player and I just don't know it? Am I a joke to his coworkers? I don't THINK I am, but then why the comment?

He's lost about 30 pounds suddenly, and it makes me wonder...has he met someone or likes someone that he's trying to impress? I can't believe after 10 years that it would be ME, even though he says it is. Whatever.

Too Weird

I'm playing a new game - well, an add-on to an old game (Bon Voyage, the Sims PC), and it's taking up all of my free time since Sunday! I'm consumed!

The weirdest thing(s) happened to me. At the same time. And I HATE this when it happens. The first thing is that one of my ex-boyfriends, that I used to live with, sent me an email, with pics attached of himself and his kids. First of all, why does he have to send me an email? Secondly, why the pics? What is he trying to prove? I know him only to well, and he's trying to show SOMETHING off, but I don't know what. I'm sure he loves and is proud of his kids, but man, do I worry about them. What an f'ed up father they have. His email didn't talk about them, though. It didn't even ask how I was doing - just about RUNNING of all things? Something about shaving off ti me from his run time andcompeting in the Boston Marathon (he lives nowhere near Massachusetts, and I think he's full of shit). It's weird, because MARK started running about 3 months ago! I was shocked. But...I do believe he's seriously running, though, because in his picture, he's slimmed down a lot in his face, like you would expect someone would do. But an email? Just about him running? He never ran when I knew him. He was big into weight lifting and bulking up, and had been since he was a teenager. You know why I think he said it and sent the picture of him slimmed down like a runner? Because when Mark and I started dating, we had just broken up, and he asked me over and over when we spoke (which was sparse and only when needed), what Mark looked like. Mark was tall and thin - I told him he had a "runner's body" and left it at that. He asked me this at least 10 times, and I always told him the same thing - just that, and nothing else. This was 10 years ago, and yes, he would DEFINITELY still remember that. He's weird and obsessive. If he thought he had been successful at achieving something I would like, he would want me to know about it. But I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

I'm not replying, nor getting involved, or anything. I like things the way they left in my court and I can feel satisfied that I never responded back or showed that I cared. Because I DON'T! I'm just recording this for future reference because....

This morning, I listened to my voice mail at work, and ANOTHER ex-boyfriend left me a voicemail - singing a song he knew I liked way back when! This must have been 13 years ago! You're did he know where you worked, right? He's in IT, and he's in our database, and I sent a mass email out about a year ago, and one went to him without my knowing about it. He responded, so...he knew where I worked, my email address, my phone #, etc. He now has his resume online apparently, and my coworker called him, and when he got the email from, he knew we worked together and...there you go. I guess he felt compelled to call and sing to me on my voicemail? Because of the OTHER recruiter, I DID call him back, but tried to keep it strictly professional - asking him what he was looking for - what was his specialty, but he would have none of it. He actually said "I don't want to talk about me, what about YOU?". Well DUH, don't call a Recruiter when you're looking for a job and not expect them to call you back to try and help you find one. I told him what happened to me in Cancun in about 2 sentences, and I quickly turned it back to work. I told him I would remind the other recruiter of a couple of jobs for him, and said goodbye. What do you think I did next? What would YOU do next? I got right on the phone and called the other recruiter that talked to him to get "the dish"!!! I wanted to know how much he was making and how much he wanted, basically, everything my ex-b wouldn't tell me. The other recruiter told me I could have him if I wanted him - he didn't know we knew each other, and just give him a % if I placed him. I told him he was crazy - no way was I going to work with him, nor would he even let me negotiate a salary for him anyway. I didn't tell him we had dated - just that we were friends. How would that be, to keep telling your ex that he didn't get the job after interviewing? (ha - I just assume already he wouldn't get a job he interviewed for w/o even seeing a resume). Just too weird for me, and Mark would not appreciate it AT ALL.

Actually, Mark would probably be upset over these two occurrences. But I didn't ASK for them to happen - they just DID. Within a few days of each other? How weird is that?

I feel guilty, but I didn't DO ANYTHING, right? I didn't do anything! I told one ex-boyfriend that the OTHER Recruiter would be working with him, not me....and the other ex-boyfriend, well...there's nothing to do. I just won't acknowledge his contact.

I just wish I didn't have to think about it at all. This is my problem. I didn't just END things. I never did with relationships. They always kind of phased out...not in a good way, but no "I HATE YOU FOREVER". It's more like...staying friends at the end, even when I should hate them until the day I die.

I'll just avoid anything else that happens. I don't foresee anything else happening, I mean, what else could there be? There won't be anything from my end, shouldn't continue.

At least not for the rest of THIS year. I wish some things that had died would just stay DEAD. It would be so much healthier for me.

And no, I'm not some gorgeous wonderful girl that guys just can't get over. I just happened to have met 2 guys I wish I NEVER would have known and I can't see that my life was any better by knowing them. Yes, it was that bad. I think I *do* hate them, deep down.

Is it hate when you really don't wish the best for someone?

How do you escape something that won't leave? Is it up to ME to do something to make them HATE me to end this, even 10-13 years later? Because, come on. this shouldn't be happening after this much time has passed. Maybe I've left the impression the door is still open, so what do I do to shut it - forever? Do you think I now have, or am I going to have to be a real bitch (I'm not sure how) to stop it? I want the PAST left in the PAST. Can I just ask for that when they don't get the message by silence or non interest?


Mark is working today (Saturday) so I feel uncomfortable going to the pool by myself. What if I go and I have to sit next to someone?

I've been applying for jobs at well known companies - the job inquiry from the Big-4 got me started. They are internal positions, not agency. I don't know how Mark will take that - the income will be lower than what I make now. This will be HARD for me to break into - there's such a big difference between Agency and HR Recruiting.

Since I've been applying, even though until today I've applied for maybe 3 positions, I keep waiting for my phone to ring and for an email in my personal box, and check both constantly. Nothing ever happens, and it's very discouraging. I revamped my resume today - actually creating 3 resumes for different types of recruiting positions, so hopefully that will help. A resume is always "revolving".

I don't actually know WHY I'm looking for a new job, now that I think about it. I'm not really unhappy where I am. Maybe I should stop?

My Dad. Man. He's still recovering mentally and physically from his suicide attempt, and I can't believe his "luck" since. He had to put his dog to sleep this week, and just 2 days ago, his wife's son got hit by a car when he was riding his bicycle. I sure hope he's still taking his Trazodone and Haldol.

Can you imagine being his WIFE? Having your husband almost succeed in committing suicide, putting your beloved dog to sleep, and your son getting hit by a car? All within a month's time? That's enough to put a "normal" person in the looney bin. (haha - looney bin. Only those who have been there should be allowed to use that term!)

I have no idea what to say to my Dad, or how to support him. We're not that close. I've stopped calling every few days. I probably SHOULD, but he's really not my responsibility. Is that a terrible thing to say? If something happened to him, I would feel awful and guilty. But there's not a single thing I can do, I'm not part of his "support system", and he's never been there for me when I needed him. He's never been a parent to me - he's actually never been there, period, except for a present on my birthday and for Christmas when I was growing up. Now that I'm an adult, that has stopped, too.

I'm bored - guess I'll go to the pool?

2:00p update: My STUPID Homeowner's Assn. has already closed the pool for the season! In Texas - the beginning of September! It's 95 degrees outside, and will be all week! The Abilify makes me restless. Now what am I supposed to do?

I was GOING to play Bon Voyage - the new add-on for the Sims, but stupid Amazon didn't ship it to me in time, and I can't cancel the order either. Maybe I'll just go ahead and go buy it from the store anyway.

So Little to Entertain Me

The Seroquel seemed to help the restlessness today, but...I still have no motivation at work. That damned job opportunity that came to me unsolicited that I got my hopes up about - and now has me looking. I had decided to apply for 2 jobs per day, but I can't FIND 2 jobs per day that meet my standards - and I'm looking nationwide! (w/o relo'ing, of course).

One of my coworkers now thinks it's funny to call me "Britney" after the skirt I wore yesterday. I still think it was a very professional skirt, and I don't see the "schoolgirl" in it! I suppose there are worse things I could be called, and at least it's always followed by "before she got skanky". It's just like grade school. People can tell that something bothers you, so they're 100x more likely to keep doing it to you for fun. I bought a red dress today (now I AM out of money in my spending account), and there's no "Britney" about it whatsoever!

Now that I'm out of "spending money", I'm forced to go to the gym everyday during lunch instead of shop. It's a win/win. :-) Or rather....lose/lose is what I'm really thinking. :(

This girl at work!!! She sits right across from me with just a partition between us, and she's always arguing with her candidates. Everyday! I don't understand it. We help people get's not like she's making all of these deals...what in the world is she always arguing about? Today she was huffing and puffing and I think throwing pens at the "partition" it was shaking back and forth. She was complaining so loudly that my boss finally said "SNAPPY GIRL!" (I guess that's my name for her, I don't know? Then she stopped, got up from her desk in a huff, and walked off. The strange thing about this started off slowly. It was barely there when the seating arrangement was changed, and Bipolar Girl, who sits near, and I didn't notice it. It's been progressing, and now we peek around the cube wall at each other and make faces like "OH MY GOD!" when she's doing it. Can you imagine your Recruiter arguing with you? WHAT THE HELL is there to argue about is what I want to know? And like...2 or 3 times a day with different candidates?

Her live-in boyfriend works there, too, and I can't STAND him. I don't know what to say to explain why I don't like him except....some people you just don't like because they have horrible personalities and act arrogant when they have nothing to be arrogant about initially. He's 100% hick dressed up in a tie, and I'd rather not associate myself with him. I swear, one day he's going to talk about "beer", and he's not going to just say he wants a beer, but he'll say he wants a "coldbeer", altogether, one word. Very hick. You'd have to live in Texas to understand what I mean, maybe. I told Older Woman that and she laughed and laughed, even though she's kind of hick, too. :-) I'm sorry! I'm from the Midwest stuck in the South! I'm naturally going to be a bit scrutinizing, as I'm sure they are of me! When I first moved here, a man asked me for "surp". I had no idea what he was saying until someone stepped in and said "syrup", and I said, "Oh, you mean 'seer-up?'". He thought I was nuts.

I could go on and on about the way people say things. Mark and I just got into it because I was talking about "Red Roofs". In Kansas, Pizza Hut restaurants were called Red Roofs, and I said that was where I wanted to go (I was CRAVING pizza). He said "what the hell is a red RUFF?" He meant ROOF, but he said RUFF. I told him it wasn't a dog. 10 years together, and you'd think we could understand each other by now. But he says "Hollow-ween" instead of "Hallow-ween". Isn't that weird?


Today was horrible! Nothing bad happened. I just couldn't take it! Every single second was painstakingly slow, and it was all I could do to bear it. I was unmotivated, I hated my boss, my coworkers were fine - I like them, but work was excruciatingly boring and I wanted OUT!

I bought a new outfit at Ann Taylor Loft and really liked it, but Mark made a comment about it looking like a "schoolgirl". I didn't think it did, and went to work, obviously. Apparently someone else thought so, too, because all of a sudden, I was the office "Britney before she got skanky" girl. No, my skirt wasn't THAT short. One guy thought it was funny to say "Britney?" and see if I looked up at him. He also kept singing "Oh Baby, Baby..". The outfit did NOT look like that, and now I can't wear it again. It's really cute, too. If I wore it again, it would just be the "Britney outfit". Wonderful. I look like a pop star of the 90's. Maybe tomorrow I'll go for the 80's Madonna look since it was so much FUN when I want to be fashionable, not a spectacle.

The EXACT SKIRT is pictured - it's very professional, right? Just imagine it with a short sleeved white button up shirt and a black sweater vest so you know I was being professional. I have long legs, so the skirt looks a bit shorter, but so what? They really made a big deal about it at work is the only reason *I* am making a big deal about it. I felt like I didn't want to get up from my desk.

***How do you tell if you're getting manic? Is it when you don't want to work? When you want to buy clothes, and suddenly, you like everything you try on? When you have more self confidence? When time moves by TOO SLOWLY - WAY TOO SLOWLY for you?

Mark made a comment he thinks I may be getting manic just because I asked him to please (okay, I said "please please PLEASE!) buy me a new pair of black shoes when he was going to the mall yesterday. (My spending account is almost dry, and he said no, so I just didn't go with him.) AND...I wanted to buy a lap desk like he has, which we've both looked for one for me forever and I finally found one. AND...the Sims is coming out with a new game on the 4th, and I just have to have it by this weekend so I have time to play it! But that doesn't make me MANIC, does it? If I were taking things to the pawn shop to buy these things, THEN I'd be manic, right?

I didn't buy the pair of shoes, I did figure out a way to get the Sims by this weekend and the PrimaGuide for it, I did buy 2 outfits over the weekend, and no, I didn't buy the lap-desk. Everything was within my means - I only used my spending account (which still has money in it) and $50 on my MasterCard. My MasterCard isn't even halfway charged up.

But I'm not HAPPY as if I were manic (I only get hypomanic). I'm not EXCITED. I'm not down or crying, either. I feel...restless. Abilify restless, maybe? I don't know why all of a sudden I would feel Abilify restless after increasing the dosage so many weeks ago, but that's how it feels.

I worked out at the gym today at lunch, and worked out extra hard. My clothes were actually wet when I was done from sweating so much (which is a good thing!).
Maybe that's it. Tomorrow - no diet pills and no Trim Spa to boost my workout. Let's see how I do then. But I didn't have those yesterday, and I felt so restless I took 2 Seroquel.

So...two days in a row of feeling so restless I CAN'T STAND IT! I mean I really can't stand it - it's a horrible, awful, yucky feeling.

Oh yeah, and I hate my boss. He's a liar. And I have about 5 days of time to "make-up", so maybe I'm just burned out thinking about all that work "on the clock", so to speak? I'm barely, just barely, speaking to my boss. I do not like him. If you've been reading my blog, you're thinking...."what's new?".

People were laughing at me, but he called in and said he was going to drop his daughter off somewhere and be late because she twisted or broke her foot over the weekend. Well, last Thursday, for NO REASON, he told us the next day he had his daughter's "game" to go to (they are both very athletic), and would be in around 2:30 or so. Just FYI - he never came in. Anyway...we then found out he played in a golf tournament instead. He OWNS the place, why does he have to have ANY excuse? So he lied. When he called in this morning, I told everyone "Oh, so he's using his DAUGHTER again for his reason? I don't believe him, what's he REALLY doing this time?". He came in, and I didn't even say good morning to him, and barely said 10 words to him all day. Very unlike me. Oh yeah - I also sent him a memo on Friday that said "Hope you had a good time at the golf tournament" before I left. HA!

So what do I do about being restless????

God, I can't STAND this feeling! I just want to take a ton of Seroquel and sleep....blissfully...droolfully....

Irritated - Seroquel to the Rescue?

I feel so irritated. I even told Mark to "stop drinking water" because he was making a gulping sound. Yes, I'm that irritated. I didn't know what else to do...

So I took 2 100 mg Seroquel. I take 100mg to go to sleep at night with my other meds - is that abuse, or is that using my medication the way I'm supposed do use it? My doctor has told me about 5 times to take Seroquel during the day for anxiety, so isn't that okay? Mark will be mad at me when I fall asleep and am in bed. It's not like I took 8 or 9 100mg like I used to do, and knock myself out until 2 days from today. I think my father attempting suicide and what it did to him (the aftermath of what it did to his mind and his body) freaked me out quite a bit.

I don't call my Dad and check on him anymore, although I should. Maybe I'll do that right now, or when I don't feel so irritated. The thing is, once this Seroquel kicks in, I'll be slurring my words. I suggested to Mark that I wanted to take Seroquel and just sleep, and he threw a fit about that. He HATES that. And he's SO sensitive to me slurring my words in the TINIEST little bit. Sometimes I'll have to prove to him (he won't make me, I just feel like I have to) that I'm not and that I haven't taken anything. So, I'm sure I'll be slurring my words the tiniest bit, and he'll "catch on".

But 200mg of Seroquel...that's NOTHING, right? A small dose, yes? I think I'm bitchy because I took diet pills, to be honest. And I wanted to go to the pool this afternoon and it's cloudy. I checked the 10-day forecast, and it's supposed to RAIN for the next 10 days! That's means I can't go to the pool next weekend, either! Doesn't matter, Mark's nieces' have their b-day party then anyway. Oh joy, the fun of 1-yr olds' "not really your own family" birthday party. Can't wait. (Rolling eyes)

I can't believe there's ANOTHER hurricane close to Cancun! It's not predicted to hit Cancun like Hurricane Dean was when we were there, but it's close enough! Hurricane Felix is going straight through Mexico...un-friggin-believable. We just spent $1300/seat getting away from Hurricane Dean in Cancun, and now Hurricane Felix?
Cancun is the small part of green sticking up by itself above the white "cone" in the 5 day prediction. I suppose it could very well go north and hit Cancun. Either way, that's 2 Hurricanes for close to the same area of Mexico in the past month.

And this one is now a Category 4. Hurricane Dean was a Category 5. I think once it gets that powerful, does it really matter if it's a Cat 4 or 5?

My Dad knew I wanted to stay in Cancun and "experience" it - he even left a voicemail saying so before I spoke to him and told him I'd like to be one of those newspeople (that I saw on our plane going the WRONG way) filming the storm. Sometimes, even thought I didn't grow up with him, he knows me better than Mark.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want a hurricane to come and hit my house!!!! All I want to do is film it, then get in a jeep and drive to an airport where planes are still landing and taking off, and go home. At least, that's what the newsguy from CNN or NBC (I don't remember which he said he was from) was going to do.


Pretty good Labor Day weekend - shopping/pool/sunburn, etc.

Isn't it strange how each person you date changes you some way in the end?

I found the most incredible version of "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails (Trent Reznor). It looks recent. Takes me back to "that" time - before I was diagnosed, not on meds, dealing with life, relationships, divorce, everything, without any help from doctors, etc. Everything was so INTENSE.

I wanted to get things I couldn't "have" out of my head - people, particularly, but I could NOT.

"I'm down to just one thing...and I'm starting to scare myself...." Is that obsession? It didn't seem like it, it normal for a break-up?

If you're a Trent...ahem...NIN fan, this one's for you....

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

Come on tell me

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself

You make this all go away
You make it all go away

I just want something
I just want something
I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now

This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart

I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same

Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
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