Week Off

I have approx 5-6 days before I start my new job, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Yesterday and today, I have a sinus headache, so I thought I'd just take a couple of Seroquel and knock myself out, right? WRONG. I can't sleep, and then I become so hungry that I'm eating all of the chocolate candy out of the Halloween candy for tomorrow.

I keep getting fatter....and fatter....and fatter. Tomorrow I'm going to get up of my lard butt and go to the gym. But I can't do anything until this headache goes away.

I'm finding that it is easier to get my name changed to my husband's last name (!!!) than I thought. I did my driver's license and one of my credit cards yesterday, and I was going to go to the bank today, but I'm drugged up on Seroquel now. They told me all I need is my marriage certificate. Thank God, because the driver's license office actually cut my driver's license into pieces!

If my headache goes away, hopefully I'll be able to "consummate" the marriage, and Mark can stop giving me a hard time about it!

On the networking front, a Facebook friend gave me an idea to reach out to all of my LinkedIn contacts and send an invite to them on Facebook as well. We'll see how that works out as a recruiting tool? I find that people on Facebook are there for friendships, romance, etc.; however, I do correspond with a couple of recruiters who happened to find me somehow.

Mark's parents want to host a "dinner party" for us since we got married. I'm not stupid, I know what a dinner party is, but...what does that mean to them? They invite the family and their friends? To their house or a restaurant? It doesn't really matter - sounds like an obligation for me to go no matter what it is....

Don't get me wrong. His family is nice, but they're INTENSE. They'll take over all of your free time if you let them. I go over there on holidays and once in awhile for birthdays, but somehow, I'm labeled as the person who "NEVER comes around". Yes, NEVER.

I think I'll try a few klonipin and try to go to bed again...

Wedding in Vegas

So Mark and I got married in Vegas, but I had planned it ahead of time, and it went without a "hitch". The ceremony, limo, pictures, flowers, everything - not a problem.

What WAS a problem was how I FELT. I think my body reacts negatively to stress. After getting my hair and makeup done for the wedding, and having a few hours to go before the ceremony, I came down with a horrible cold/flu. I ended up wiping all the makeup off from my nose and upper lip by blowing my nose so much. I took 4 Dayquils. On top of THAT, I started my period one or two days before my wedding day, and I had serious cramps, and it was very heavy (sorry for being so graphic). Needless to say, I was miserable. At the Venetian, we could only find a store that sold 2 tampons for FOUR DOLLARS! When I was upstairs, Mark found another store to buy Midol, tampons and Dayquil, and bought more for me. He has always said he'd NEVER buy tampons, and I thought it was a huge gift he gave me on my wedding day.

Miraculously, I was fine during the ceremony, then it all started up again on the way back to the hotel.

The limo made me feel car sick on the way back to the hotel, so I had to lay on the bed to stop the dizziness (it could have been all the medicine on an empty stomach), then gave up and took a Seroquel. We had a REALLY nice dinner, spent over $300 just on the two of us, and halfway through, I had to concentrate to keep myself from looking as sleepy as I felt from the Seroquel. Mark had ordered some expensive wine, but I only took about 2 sips of it since I'd had so much medicine.

For obvious reasons, we couldn't consummate our wedding that night, and have yet to do so - and Mark keeps telling me we aren't "legally married" yet, in a teasing way. He was way more cool about it than I thought he would be.

Even though Mark and I have been together for 10 years, it feels like we are starting our lives all over again. I didn't want or think anything would change, but it has and did. For some reason, I have a LOT of anxiety around him, and I don't know why. It hit me the other day that he married me knowing I was bipolar, taking 7 medications daily, took me to check myself into the psych ward, and stayed with me through the awful months leading up to that. And he still wanted to marry me? For the rest of his life? It's like...I *really* don't want to "mess it up". I feel like I should do "wife things" now like get up and make him breakfast in the morning? Is that normal? He's my HUSBAND, I'm his WIFE. It seems so serious now, and, well...different.

The night before our wedding, we went to see Barry Manilow! It's always been a huge secret of mine that I've always liked him, and even though Mark had said he'd "done Vegas" and said we could see Manilow, he threw a fit after I purchased the tickets. After threatening to cancel them about 3 times, he calmed down. He actually said Barry put on a good "show" (it was more of a show than a concert), and I was in Barry heaven. :-) The only weird thing about it was....the age of the people there. Next to me, and I am NOT exaggerating, was a 70-ish woman dressed to the nines. Next to Mark was a man in his 60's, I would say. They were almost all around that age except for us and a few exceptions which Mark claimed were not there by their own free will (like himself, of course). When Barry played "Mandy", the woman next to me starting humming and singing - I thought it was so sweet.

Because I wasn't feeling well, Vegas doesn't seem like a place I'd like to visit again. I suppose for an anniversary? I'd rather go to the beach since I don't gamble..


I can't be sure, but I think Abilify has made me gain about 5-10 pounds since I increased it from 5mg to 10mg. The horrible thing is that I feel SO much better on the new dosage that I'm afraid to back down from it. I just weighed myself, and I'm at 134.5!!! I think I was around 128-129 when I started the increase. I WOULD have to be a tub of lard on my wedding day! And YES, 5-6 pounds on me makes a HUGE difference. I may go up 1-2 sizes! I had to buy, GET THIS, a size TWELVE wedding dress, when I actually where a size 8, but I keep telling myself that it was just a small 12. I can't wear anything else size 12 - it just engulfs me.

About my weight, something else that may be affecting it is the fact that I've been taking 200mg of Seroquel to sleep at night instead of 100mg, and that definitely increases my appetite. I've tried to back down, but I can't. I just lay in bed with my eyes wide open, especially now when I'm not working.

Next week, when I will have NOTHING TO DO, and Mark will be in Chicago, I am going to try and hit the gym every day, and I might as well back off my Seroquel because...if I'm up all night, who cares? The only bad thing about that is...even if I take 100mg of Seroquel, once it hits, I'm hungry. Maybe that will just be the price to pay to get me back down. Besides without insurance, I should be saving my Seroquel. Ha! Like I don't have enough "stocked up" for a year!

I'm packing and getting ready to leave in about two and a half hours for the airport to Vegas for our wedding! It's just Mark and I, but the chapel has a website address, and our friends and family can watch it virtually. MY friends and family are excited about watching it and think it's a cool concept. HIS family (I didn't send an email to his friends - I don't know that he has any good friends?) wasn't so thrilled. It's not because he's marrying ME, it's because they want to be there, they want it here, where they can celebrate traditionally. They haven't said as much, but I know them only too well. His family is high maintenance, and it's so draining for me to be around them. We get along rather well, but they tire me out, especially now that Mark has 4 very young "screaming around the house" nieces and nephew that give me a headache at family gatherings. They are NOT well behaved when they are at Grandma and Grandpa's house for some reason.

Guess it's time to finish packing...Mark is taking his laptop - I'll try to blog and upload pictures while I'm in Vegas.


I got my hair highlighted/cut this morning/afternoon, picked up my wedding dress, and bought a little silver clutch/purse to go with my gown today. I can't believe we leave for Vegas tomorrow afternoon!

I tried on my dress at the store after the alterations, and I decided I liked it about as much as I was going to like a wedding dress on me. It was prettier and much more formal than I remembered, and I tried to avoid the angle in the "surrounding mirrors" that had me horrified the last time I was there. The seamstress seemed to really like the dress, and she isn't paid to do any sales, so maybe it really does look okay. It's hard to do this stuff without a "girlfriend" helping you - giving you advice, telling you what they think. I did have a friend that so much wanted to be a part of everything, from choosing the wedding gown - on, but she had to do it during non-working hours, and I just couldn't live with that schedule. There's no way her boss (my FORMER JACKASS BOSS) would have given her ANY time to help me, so...at least she can watch the ceremony from Vegas "virtually". Everyone seems so excited by that? I thought they'd be more offended that we didn't send out invitations, but we decided this at the last moment.

So, officially, I have NO HEALTH INSURANCE. If I broke my leg today, too bad, so sad. I won't have any medical insurance until next week. I *know* a lot of people don't have medical insurance, but what scares me is that I start a job on November 5th, my drugs run out on November 3rd, and I take about 6 of them, and that's a LOT of drugs to be having withdrawal effects on my first day of work! I'm sure there's no way in hell I could even make it to work that day. Mark is going to fax in the paperwork on Monday (October 29th), so I should be okay? Unless I break my leg...

I'm completing all the paperwork that must be done as a new employee (although I'm a contractor) for the Big-5, and since the contract company is in another state, I'm having to get my I-9 (proof you can work in the US without sponsorship) NOTARIZED, and then snail-mail it! It will have to wait until next week - I can't possibly get that done tomorrow before our flight leaves. Our First Class flight! :-)

Mark is upstairs packing, so I guess I'd better start too....

Jackass Boss

My (former) boss ALREADY cancelled my health insurance!!!! Today's Monday, and I quit last Tuesday afternoon! He's such a JACKASS! I went to get my Adderall filled after finally getting my prescription, and they told me my insurance wasn't valid, so I had to pay $155 for it. The insurance was a piece of crap anyway, as I normally pay FIFTY DOLLARS for it - that was with my copay!

I can't believe how vindictive he is. He must have picked up the phone that day or the next and did it. Why wouldn't he have let me finish out the month - less than two weeks? It just reinforces my decision to QUIT. Well (sticking out my tongue) on him - Mark happens to work for one of the largest health care companies in the country, and starting on Friday when we're married, I'll have a better insurance plan than is even available to the public.

Bipolar Girl is desperately trying to get out of my former company, and I think Older Woman, too. I went to lunch with them both today, and had a great time. I'm trying to set up an interview with a company that had given me an offer previously and Bipolar Girl. I have no idea if they are hiring, or what their state is.

I got my nails done today and my eyebrows waxed for the wedding on Friday. My eyebrows didn't need it, but hey - I was already there, so why not?

Tomorrow is highlight/haircut day, and I'm picking up my wedding dress from the store after the alterations. I just KNOW I'm going to look huge and big and fat in my wedding dress! I'm so expecting it. Creeping over that 130 mark is what did it for me. Supposedly that's into the lower normal range for someone who is 5'6", but why do I LOOK like a cow?

Mark made me feel a bit better about my new job I'm starting in two weeks. He said people would always tell him, when he was golfing, to stop thinking so much and just SWING. He said that's what I needed to do - just SWING. That made complete sense to me for some reason. Stop worrying so much and go and do what it is that I do.

Other than that, I'm SICK! Can you believe that? My wedding is on Friday, this is Monday, and I'm SICK? My nose won't stop running, and it's going to start peeling because I'm blowing it all of the time, and it will just be ugly. I'm hoping it's because of the weather change in Texas - it was only in the 50's here today, and we have SUCH a cold wind!

If I have any bipolar symptoms, they're well hidden under my anxiety. I would have to say I have none, but if I'm manic, how would I even know with so much going on?


It's 5:15a, and I've been up since 5:00a, and I don't even have to work today! I had been sleeping in later and later each morning since I quit my job, so I decided I'd better start getting up at my normal time so my "routine" isn't out of whack when I start my new job. Only...now I have nothing to do!

I *do* have a lot of things to do today, however. I'm going to lunch with Older Woman and Bipolar Girl since I overslept on Friday. I have to get my Adderall prescription refilled, and I'm thinking of getting my nails done today, except...it's Monday, and my wedding isn't until Friday. I can't wait to have it done until FRIDAY, because, GET THIS - at the Venetian in Vegas where we're staying, a set of acrylics is $150. Yes, you read that right! Something that I can get done here for $35/40! Even backfills are $80! My hair and makeup cost isn't that that outrageous, but nails are. I guess that's because everyone wants their nails done for pictures of their wedding rings?

Here's a picture that is SIMILAR to what I bought for my wedding band. I'll post a picture of Mark's and my wedding bands after we get married and they're on our fingers:

Mark isn't nervous about getting married, and to be honest, neither am I. It's something that should have already happened by now, I know the person I'm marrying very well, and think we'll be together forever already without a ceremony that binds us forever. HOWEVER. I think it will make me feel more secure in my relationship, being married to Mark, knowing I am his wife, taking vows in front of God, especially knowing how serious he takes them. Yes, I'm ready for that chapter in my life to begin.

Without Adderall, I'm so afraid, because I've been eating so much, that I won't be able to fit into my wedding gown that I try on tomorrow after the alterations. I think it may look HORRIBLE on me, and I'll hate it that much more!

But what I AM incredibly nervous and scared of is my new job that starts Nov. 5th. Did I oversell myself? Do they assume I know how to do things that I don't because of what I said? I don't recall if I oversold myself or not. I think I did, and did it well. They are SO excited for me to come onboard, too. At least, they're trying to keep me "warm", anyway (making sure I don't lose interest by calling/emailing every few days to keep level of interest up).

We made the drive to my new office yesterday to see what the building looks like and how far it is, and the building is beautiful, but it's so friggin' far. It's by the airport, of course, and it's 28 miles from my door to theirs. Also, it's on the busiest freeway in the metroplex. I'm going to have to get up so early! Yes, I can work from home at least 2 days/week, but I don't see how I can learn in the beginning by working from home. Plus, I don't know how disciplined I am working from home, either. I may be one of those people that HAS to be in the office to be productive.

As you can see, I have a lot of anxiety about the new job. I told Mark it was my first REAL job. He didn't understand what I meant. It's my first job where no one could start out as having a year of experience or simply entry level. It's my first job where a significant amount of experience is required, and I'm being paid for my expertise. What if I don't have the expertise they are expecting from me?

I guess I'll play a computer game now - what in the hell do I do until it's time for me to pick up Bipolar Girl and Older Woman for lunch???


I've been out of Adderall for several days now, just "nursing" my last one each day, opening it and pouring a tiny bit on my tongue so I don't get sick, in case there are withdrawal symptoms. I asked Mark if I'd been acting differently, and he said yes, I'd been difficult and demanding on him socially, but I haven't had a job since last Tuesday! I'm a very social person!
I'm so DAMNED HUNGRY all the time, though, and I've gained 2 pounds since last week. :/

We bought our wedding rings this afternoon, so that's taken care of now. I wasn't in a *bling* mood, and chose a very delicate band of diamonds. Mark said he was shocked at my choice, but HE shocked ME. He chose a band with diamonds in it, too! He was the one in the *bling* mood - his ring cost more than mine! Is that weird? To have the guy's wedding ring cost more than the girl's? It doesn't *look* bling - I actually liked it on his hand a lot. So...our rings kind of match.

I also got something to wear for our wedding night - that's traditional, right? I'm just going on what I think I'm "supposed" to do. I also got Mark a wedding gift to give to him right before we leave for the chapel. It's only metal (don't remember what kind?) collar stays which he wears every day anyway, but they have little sayings on them that no one will ever see, like "I love you", or "You're handsome". I think there are 6 pairs, and I HOPE the metal is not something that will go off in the metal detector at the airport.

Mark got us upgraded to First Class on the way to Vegas and back! We used his miles to buy the tickets, and were 5k miles short for 1st class, so he just wrote the airline company, and they gave him 10k!

So what's left....just my dress and getting my damned Adderall!

I'M BORED! Is it the lack of Adderall? BOREDBOREDBORED!

Seriously, I want to start my new job already, but I have over 2 more weeks left! How am I going to make it????

Update on Wedding and Job

For some reason, I keep getting mad at Mark and pushing him away. Our wedding is on Friday, and I don't know how I expect him to act, but it seems like I expect him to act more excited about it. Since he was in Chicago last week, he couldn't rent a tux. We tried to rent one last night, and couldn't get one in time, so he bought a black suit with a white tie - it looks SO formal and just perfect! I love the look! AND he's lost 30 pounds, and he looks awesome.

*I*, however, have put on about 7, I look like a fatass, and I've decided I hate my dress now. Everything is just wrong, wrong, wrong about my look. I should have bought a more formal dress, now that he looks so formal. I'm going to hate my look and feel fat and ugly for the ceremony, I already know it, and you're supposed to feel the most beautiful you've ever felt for your wedding. Instead, I'll feel the most ugly. I'll put the dress on at the last minute, and take it off as soon as I can. You're supposed to LOVE your dress. I've decided that I don't.

Today we're going to buy our wedding rings! I'm really excited about that part. I already know what I want, but will Mark want to spend that much? We'll see. Here's what it looks like...

I'm out of Adderall, so I'm been HUNGRY. Not good when I need to fit into my wedding dress in a few days. I need to eat less, NOT like a pig! I just took THREE phentermine and I'm drinking an entire pot of coffee. Hopefully that will do the trick. I just can't eat today or this week - I just can't!

The Big-5 keeps calling and emailing me, keeping me "warm" on my new job, probably so I don't go back to my old one. My soon-to-be Manager called me yesterday, and I was so nervous that I was tongue tied. She's one of those people that likes to talk just to talk - and you can just sit there and listen, and she'll convince herself of everything she says, just like my old boss!! So...I guess the strategy will be to listen, not to talk until she's completely done, and then have my say. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

She told me that instead of getting me my own office like the other Recruiters, she was going to reserve a space for me as I may be moving to Chicago soon. But I may not move at all! I wish I would have never said anything about moving to Chicago now. Anyways, I decided I really DO need an office, you know why? I negotiate salaries, and anyone within earshot of me, for example - if I had a cubicle - could hear what other positions and potential coworkers would be making salary/hourly-wise. She also said she'd like for me to be in the office for 3 days a week if I could be. If I COULD be? haha - sounds like heaven to me. :-)

Whew! That's about it...

Just Bored

First of all, I want to say...my blog entries are boring (but to me, that's typical), and they will especially be now while I don't have a job until Nov 5th and am BORED. I just write for myself, for future reference of events and moods. Fair warning. :-)

I am SO INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS! But...I think what I'm feeling is normal. I'm getting married in a week, starting a new job on Nov. 5th, and these are top stressors in a person's life. I'm very worried that I won't meet my new employer's expectations of me. I guess if I don't, they won't hire me as an employee and cut the contract. It will still look good to have that company as my last job on my resume. I'll get all sorts of calls, but I won't want to leave at all! I want to kick some major butt and take names!

Older Woman, my former coworker, called me and started crying (seriously, she did), telling me how much she missed me at work. I had no idea she felt we were that close. I didn't know what to say except I missed her too, but I don't feel like crying about it. I'm moving on, and hopefully, I pray, to better things. I talked to Bipolar Girl for a good while last night and helped strategize getting a pay increase from my boss. Now that I'm no longer bound to my "contract", I told her what I was making, and I think she was astonished. I had a lot more cards in my hand to play when I negotiated that deal than she has in hers, though.

My Recruiter from the Big 5 called and asked me how the resignation at my company went. I told her the truth - my boss wouldn't accept my resignation, and gave me all the reasons why I shouldn't go to work there. I know that sounds absurd, but it's true. I told her that while he was at lunch, I grabbed my gym bag and put all of my personal belongings in it, and left for good. The thing is, I told her, the same thing happened at my previous job. My boss did NOT accept my resignation initially. Is that not CRAZY? Here's the entry: http://kansassunflower.blogspot.com/2006/05/i-resigned-and-then.html

She was astonished, which I wasn't TRYING to do, and I think she must have told my new boss, because soon after, I got an email from her. Here's what my new boss had to say:

"Hi (KansasSunflower),

Congratulations! We are excited that you have accepted our offer. You are an impressive recruiter and we feel fortunate to have you as a part of the team. We will be contacting you shortly about onboarding for your November start. Again, we are excited and look forward to working with you.

(Manager's Name)"

I have no idea how to respond, or if I should. What should I say?

I received the email too soon after I spoke to the Recruiter for me to think anything other than it was a chain reaction from what I told her.

Mark will be home from Chicago tonight, so I'd better start cleaning the house, and finish my Defensive Driving online course while I have a full Adderall in me, because God knows my mind is going to wander if I try it tomorrow.

No Adderall?

Great. I waited until the last minute - when I'm down to one Adderall - to call my doctor's office to see if I could come in and get a prescription. He won't be in until Monday, and today is Thursday.

NOW what am I going to do? I guess, so I won't be in bed sleeping and eating, I'll take extra phentermine?

Other than that, it doesn't really give me extra energy, it just keeps me from losing my car keys and keeps me focused, and I'm sure many other symptoms that I've forgotten because I've taken it daily for years.

I'm really nervous about going w/o Adderall....

Cold Feet?

Mark and I got into a long discussion and then an argument last night on the phone (he's in Chicago).

At first, we started talking about our wedding next week. See...we've been living together for 9 years, and I feel like I've already committed myself for the rest of my life to him. I consider myself already married to him, and this is just making it "official".

I didn't think anything would change about our relationship just because we got married - it's good now, so why change the "recipe", so to speak, right?

He started talking about how serious marriage was to him, and how it was going to completely change our relationship. He said he put being married on a "pedestal", and it was very serious to him. He also said that is why he wanted me to plan it this whole time - so he could be sure I understood the importance of being married (I don't understand that logic, but that's what he's always said).

Well, it freaked me out and I started getting scared. I even TOLD him that. I guess that is what's called getting "cold feet", right? If our relationship is truly going to change just because we're making it "official", then I don't know if I'm making a huge mistake. I like things the way they are. Yes, I WANT to be married to Mark, very much so. I want to be his official wife, and have for a long time now. But what if our relationship fails because it changes, like he said it will? It works now, what if it doesn't work after we get married? We have the "secret sauce", and I don't understand why we need to change it.

Then he said he meant it would mean constantly working to improve our relationship like buying books, etc. I'm okay with that, but still...why does anything have to change? It really freaks me out.

We then ARGUED because he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. He said he always thought he would be a Bill Gates or a Mark Cuban, and he's coming to terms that he will never be that way, so now he doesn't have a goal. He's pretty upset and depressed about it. But...he just wanted someone to listen to him, and I was offering suggestions, like getting a Lifetime Coach who could help him set goals and then achieve them. Lifetime Coaches are pretty expensive, but when he's in a crisis as bad as he's in, I think maybe it's worth it. He talked about how unhappy he is, but I asked him - what if you're chemically unhappy (he used to take anti-depressants), and not necessarily unhappy with your life?

I told him I didn't reach my goal that I'd had since I was about 8 or so - of being a journalist. (Please don't judge me by my blog, it's simply a stream of consciousness, not my writing skills.) My whole family knew that was what I was going to be, I knew that was what I was going to be, but my life took a different turn when I met my soon-to-be husband at 18 and didn't join the college newspaper staff, nor took a job at my hometown's newspaper that my high school Journalism teacher recommended me for when I graduated.

It's hard for me to just listen when he's having a pity-party. I'm supposed to not say anything when he says he's unhappy? I want us to work through the issue and find solutions, but he'd rather wallow in his grief?

Or...maybe I'm the biggest hypocrite ever. He actually said "so you want me to pull myself up by my bootstraps?", one of my sayings to him. No, but I want him to set an achievable goal and do whatever it takes to meet it, as that would make him happier. Why is that so hard?

Maybe he's having "cold feet" about us getting married in his own way - thinking about the "rest of his life". Is that possible?


I decided I couldn't just call my boss and try to resign AGAIN, so I sent him a "resignation letter" email last night. I made it as professional, yet impersonal, as possible. Here's what it said:

"Dear (Boss's Name):

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as Recruiter for (Company Name), effective October 16, per our discussion.

Thank you for the opportunities for professional and personal development that you have provided me during the last year and a half.

I have enjoyed working for the agency and appreciate the support provided me during my tenure with the company.

If I can be of any help during this transition, please let me know.

Thank you for your support and faith in me. It means more to me than you know.



Do you think that sounds okay? He hasn't called today, so it must have done the trick. It sounds very finalized, yes?

When I received two job offers in April, my boss figured it out before I accepted one of them, and we created a new contract - a kick ass monetarily contract. Bipolar Girl is making SO MUCH LESS than I was when I left, but in the contract I signed, it told me if I discussed what I made with anyone, it could result in my termination. Now that I'm gone, I think I'm going to tell her. She deserves to make more than she is. My boss will take advantage of her as long as he can. I just now called and left her a voicemail to call me about it.

For our wedding, I think I have everything taken care of, except our wedding rings and Mark needs to get a tux. I might want to rethink my jewelry - I don't know. I have a hair appt on Tuesday, and then a hair/makeup appt in Vegas before the wedding. I have the dress, shoes, matching purse, flowers, photographer, chapel, minister, we'll get the marriage license once there, limo, hotel, airplane tickets (with Mark's frequent flyer miles!)...what else am I forgetting? I don't think there will be any guests unless Mark's parents want to fly up, so nothing there. AND...Mark always wanted me to plan it on my own - that was SO important to him and what he was waiting for, and I've done it. I realize I might have forgotten something and it could go terribly wrong, but....I've tried to soothe myself and think the same thing could have happened had I done it all in town, too.

And THEN there's starting a new job on Nov 5th. Talk about life changes!

My whole life is changing. Un-friggin-believable. Getting married and starting a new career. Shouldn't I get a golden star or something if I stay stable during this time period?

Oh my God, just....Oh My God

So few hours have passed and I have SO much to blog about today!

Stay with me here...it's gets interesting....

Last night, I called a travel agent, and we went through all the details about getting married in Vegas. Of course, I need to get married before my new job starts - Nov. 5th, and getting married the week that Mark has off from work, next week, would be ideal. I chose a chapel (elegant, not cheesy), and he told me all I needed to do (a lot), but we needed to decide on a DAY and TIME first.

Mark called me on the way to work, and with his frequent flier miles, we chose a day/time to fly to Vegas, and a day/time to fly home. Only $100 for both ways! So we're going to Vegas October 24th - 27th, and getting married on the 26th. Mark will not even CONSIDER this being a honeymoon - he refuses to think of it that way. He is just incredibly happy that I am finally planning it, as that is what he has been waiting 6 years to happen.

I called a bridal gown store, and they told me to have my dress altered and ready by the 23rd (Tuesday), I would need to buy it TODAY and put a rush on it, no later. So, knowing my boss would never let me off for the afternoon, and knowing I might not even FIND a dress today, I decided to go ahead and resign.

What a mistake!

I've known people that have worked there for 5-7 years, and when they've quit, (they told me because they were upset about it), he shook their hand and said "good luck". New people too, of course.

I told him I accepted another job, but I hoped that if didn't go well, that he would welcome me back, as I was happy there, but wanted to move on to new responsibilities. See, I used the wrong words. I'm not FORCEFUL enough. He fought me TOOTH AND NAIL. He invalidated the Big 5 I was going to, invalidated starting as a contractor, told me I was a key member of the company where I now work, whereas I would just be "a number" to the new company, I'd be laid off, etc. I EVEN told him that they would allow me to work from the Chicago office or Texas, in case Mark HAS to move to Chicago. You know what he said? He said he'd allow me to work remotely from Chicago, so that was a non-issue to him at that point.

I WOULD have had to happen on a day when one of MY candidates got a job with one of HIS clients, making it worse.

How did it end? By him NOT accepting my resignation. Yes, you got that right. He would NOT accept it. He wanted me to think about it.

Update: He just CALLED ME AT HOME on my home # (which is weird - he always calls me on my cell) and tried to talk me into coming back to my job! He sounds so sad about the whole thing. Again he put down where I was going, what I'd be doing, (heck, I'm not even 100% sure on that part), and said he told an Account Manager who said exactly what he was saying. He even used my "sensitivity" on me - that other managers (at the Big 5) wouldn't understand it and just say whatever however, without thinking about how I would take it.

I'm so confused! He wants me to come back into work TOMORROW. And, he's right, we had an agreement that I wouldn't even consider employment with another company, no matter WHO called me, for a year. That would have been May 2008. He wants me to honor my commitment to him.

I'm making the right decision, right? I had a really good day today - requests for interviews, etc., so it makes it hard when you're on the "up" in recruiting to judge and feel how you're doing.

Guess I'd better call a few hotels in Vegas and get some quotes, see if they have any marriage packages...

Un-friggin-believable. I had NO CLUE he would act this way.

What makes ME so special? Why does he feel like he's losing such a "KEY MEMBER", as he calls me? Older Woman said in billings, I'm the top Recruiter in the office. So maybe it's not even about me, but about the COMPANY, and the money that goes into HIS pocket.

So here I sit at home, and I just don't want to hurt him, yet...is he doing this for selfish reasons? Of course he is. Does he really care about me that much? I don't see how he can. It's GOT to be because he sees some sort of potential in me, and he KNOWS that I'm good at what I do, but he doesn't "care" about me. Then again, that's not an employer's job.


I spoke to the Recruiter at the Big 5 this morning, and she was thinking of November 5th as my "start date". That's 3 weeks away! That means I have to work this week because I can't afford not to be paid for 3 straight weeks! Even though I'll give my boss 2 weeks notice, he'll walk me out when I quit.

I am SO SCARED to tell my boss I'm quitting. Almost freak-out scared. I'll have to take some klonipin just to do it because I will definitely be having a panic attack about it. It seems so strange to be there, setting up interviews for my candidates, knowing I'll never see a red dime if they get hired. And fruitless to find candidates to fill these jobs. But I do it anyway because I'm so scared of my boss!

I just know he'll FREAK. He'll put down where I'm going, what I'll be doing, any piece of information he can squeeze out of me, he'll invalidate it.

But it HAS to be done. I'm starting as a Contract to Hire, and what if the contract gets cut short? I'll need someplace to go - and I'd like to know that I could go back here again. Hence...I HAVE to have "the talk".

And...I need to plan our wedding so I'll have health insurance and...well, it's time we got married after 10 years together. I'm planning on having it all done before I start work on November 5th. It will be in Vegas, but I do NOT want it to be cheesy. Or $10k. Is that possible? Ha! Me finding a dress by then will be a miracle.

What if I can't do the job? I'm so anxious about starting during the holidays - everyone celebrating because they know each other so well, and I'll know no one. Plus, as a contractor, you don't get paid for holidays.

What if they cut the contract short because I'm incompetent?

What if, what if, what if...I'm always what if'ing myself to death. This is EXACTLY how I started at the other Big 5 - Contract to Hire. And I'm more competent at my job NOW than I was THEN.

I'm just scared, of so many things.

So very, very scared.

I think it's time I started praying again? :-)

Can I Do It?

I know I'll get a WRITTEN offer letter from the Big-5 after the verbal on Friday morning eventually, but something has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I know I interview well (VERY well) - my God, I counsel people on it day in and day out as a Recruiter. So the position I applied for and interviewed for...well, I didn't get it. They gave me a higher level position - they are actually CREATING it and defining the role right now. It's a strategic position. Thus, the written offer may be (I'm guessing) a bit delayed because they won't have a start date until they complete the role.

Now I'm wondering, can I do it? I "talked a big talk". Can I actually do what I said I could do?

I want this job. Working from home 2 days a week would be heaven, and perfect for when I have bipolar symptoms.

I called a Las Vegas travel agent yesterday, but because he is PST and I am CST, he didn't start calling me back until 9:30p, and tried again at 11:30pm. Yes, you read that right. He called me at 11:30p. I didn't answer the phone either time. I hope that Mark and I can get married in 2-3 weeks, and there's a lot to do because I will NOT have it be "cheesy".

No bipolar symptoms yet unless you count me looking and finding a new job to try and make myself happy.

Another Saturday Night...

I'm completing a Defensive Driving course online today for a speeding ticket I got, and it's KILLING ME! I've done 1/3 of it, and I can't handle it anymore. I'll have to work on it more tomorrow.

It's Saturday at 6:30p and I haven't showered. Have I gone back to my old ways? I don't know. I do know that I shower at least once on the weekends, which used to be my big "goal". I typically wouldn't make it. I guess I was depressed? Why did I not shower from Friday morning until Monday morning? I can't explain that. AND someone lives with me, so that makes it even grosser. I think I'll go take a bath as soon as I finish this entry.

I have a lot of anxiety, but that could be due to the unknown of my job situation? I took klonipin a few hours ago, and feel much better. Seroquel is calling my name, pretty loudly, too, but I'm doing well, I think, at keeping it at bay.

What if my bipolar symptoms get out of control at my new job (whenever it starts)? I'm really scared about that, EXCEPT! I'm working from home 2 days a week.

The "verbal job offer" from the "Big 5" has me worried. I know it just happened yesterday morning, but I don't have a written job offer, so to me, technically, I don't have an official job offer. My boss freaking out when I wasn't there on Friday afternoon really has me worried (my coworker told me about it). How is he going to react when I quit? IF I quit? The Sr. Manager at the Big 5 told me my job was still being defined, so God help me, I'm going to have to go to work and find motivation at a job where I earn commission, yet may never see it if I make a placement. That really sucks.

Older Woman is quitting her job, too - it may work out that it could be on the same day/week. Like I said, my boss acted like he didn't care, and I think that affected her quite a bit. That will just leave Bipolar Girl. I think Bipolar Girl will be happy to get ME out of the office and have my boss all to herself. She CRAVES his attention like a little 4 year old would with her daddy. Yes, it annoys me sometimes because she does it at my expense at times, but...he doesn't react, so I blow it off. Plus - both her parents died when she was about 21. However - I don't really have parents either, and I don't act that way. Please don't think I'm not sympathetic, I am! But I don't consider myself having parents. Yes, even a Dad. He's not a real Dad to me.

Mark is very unhappy. He hates his job, he can't find another one, and feels trapped. As a Recruiter, I look at his resume, and he has virtually no tenure since 2005. He's been at about 3-4 jobs since then, and not even at his current job for a year yet. As an employer, yes, that would weigh heavily on my mind, and we get requests all the time for people with good tenure, or complaints that people's tenure has been too short to interview them. But with Mark, what they do NOT know is that 2 of those jobs were contracts, and one he got laid off. I tried to tell him just to stick it out at his job for about a year - build some tenure there for his resume, and he got pretty mad at me. I can't HELP IT! It's what I do for a living! But doing it for a living and trying to tell that to your fiance are two different things. I don't think he wanted advice, he just wanted someone to talk to, which I'm not very good at doing. I want to solve the problem most of the time.

I called a travel agent for Vegas to help me with a wedding for Mark and I before I start my new job (which, hopefully, I will), but they haven't called/written me back. Guess I'll have to do it during the week. That sucks - I have ZERO time to be doing things like that when it's not on the weekends.

That's it, my boring, boring life right now. If I had a new job update to write about, I would. But after talking to the Sr. Manager, I don't even know when that will be. :(

Looking Up

I left work at 11:30 today because the Sr. Manager at the Big-5 wanted to tell me what my job duties were going to be. My cellphone reception at work was CRAP, my boss had left early for lunch, so I left the office to go home and take the call on a land line.

She called my Recruiter who called me and said she was in back to back meetings until 3:00p CST - could I talk then? Of course, I said. But my boss? What would I do about work?

I left a vm that he wasn't there so I couldn't tell him I was leaving for the doctor. He called me THREE TIMES and left a voicemail in an hour. I know this because I left my cellphone at home when Mark and I left to have lunch together. I called him back, and he was panicky, asked about 2 of my candidates, and I told him some story about my doctor not being in until 2, etc., etc.

Older Woman said he was in a "mood" when he found out I wasn't in the office. He asked where was I, why did I have to go to the doctor lately, but around 3:30, he settled down. Well, around 3:30 was when I talked to him about my candidates and assured him of my doctor's appointment and convinced him I really had nothing to do and was working. He asked why I didn't just come back into the office, and I said for an hour and a half???

Why is he so freaked out about my possible leaving? I TOLD him that Older Woman may be looking for another job. His reaction? Absolutely nothing. He hasn't talked to her about it, acted any differently towards her, not anything unusual. She takes that as he doesn't care. To be honest? I do, too. He catches wind that I'm unhappy and all hell breaks loose. It's a huge disparity, and I don't know why.

So yes, I did speak to my hopefully future Sr. Manager at the Big-5, and she told me about my role. It's a Strategic Full Life Cycle Recruiting position. It's the "strategic" part that makes it fascinating to me. I work from home 2 days a week, FINALLY broke the 6 figure mark (yay!), and get to travel to DC occasionally! My favorite city in the country because of the culture! I may not be recruiting for "that particular type of technology anymore", but that's ok - I can learn anything. Mostly, she talked over my head.

The only reason I said "hopefully" my future Sr. Manager is because they are still defining my role - what technologies it will involve. I don't have anything in writing. I only have a verbal offer. That's not enough for me to give notice, especially when I don't have a start date. I haven't asked for one, but I just spoke to the Recruiter today!

I'm really excited, AND!

Mark and I are planning on getting married - and soon. The insurance issue brought it to the forefront, but it's something we need and I want to do, so I'm going to plan it. Something very simple, and hopefully within 2 weeks. (haha - yeah, I know).

Things are definitely looking up.

I'm just dreading telling my boss I'm quitting....

Just Real Quick...

I was just offered the job at the Big 5!!! But it's for a different job than I applied for and interviewed for - a higher level one, the Recruiter told me. I'll find out the duties today. It's contract to hire, and the contract $ amount is unbelievable, except....

now I have to decide what to do about medical insurance....

The Call

The initial Recruiter from the Big 5 called my house around 3 CST (they're EST) and left a message that she had feedback from my interviews, and wanted my feedback as well.

Will this never end? I guess it just may tomorrow when/if she tells me "thanks for playing"...after FOUR phone interviews!

If she doesn't, OMG, that's another phone interview in the future perhaps, as well as a face to face interview to go...this is maddening...and I wonder if it's even worth it. Would I take the job if offered?

Of course I would.

Cuz Ya Had a Bad Day

I wish I could say I just had a bad day today, but why do they seem to melt one into another when I look back?

My only hope is that I'll find a new job, and that will change my life, right? Somehow it will be transformed and I'll be happy because I'll have a job with new people that don't annoy me or make me mad. A new environment. But it's an unknown, and while I know that, it's my only (and last?) hope.

The woman I spoke to on the phone at the Big 5 replied to my "Thank You" (for the interview) memo that they were having a meeting this afternoon to decide on candidacies and we would be in touch. There's not much to read into that.

I discussed the position in full with Older Woman, and we decided it would be a big step DOWN for me as a Recruiter; however, I'm still attracted by working from home 2 days a week and getting my "foot in the door" of this company. Besides, corporate and agency recruiting are two different worlds.

I checked my personal email about every 30 mins this afternoon, but alas, no email from them. Mark said I'm expecting too much from a huge company like that.

If it won't change my life and make it better, then what will? How will I "turn that frown upside down?". I'm not to the point of a medication "shake up". God, no. Please, no! I suppose I'm looking for happiness externally, when I can only find it internally. That's what that big Happiness book that they gave me at the hospital would say, I'm sure. I have to like me, blah blah blah.

But tell me! Would this not PISS YOU OFF? My boss, the IDIOT, doesn't have an office, so he wanted to give me some constructive criticism. I'm up for that - he's a great mentor, and he's always very careful about how he words things with me because he thinks I'm incredibly sensitive and delicate (I don't try to change his mind on that one - I'd rather he continue to think that so he words things carefully to me).

This STUPID OAF of a BEING, I'll call him Boston Boy, that just started about a month ago sits right next to my boss, where I used to sit when I started. I think he's recruited for maybe....2 or so years before starting with our company. Do you know he interrupted my boss and said "can I give you some advice?" WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? What have I done to make him think HE is somehow better than ME? My boss said no, then looked away, and then said, I'm joking, go ahead, and he said what he said, and I just rolled my eyes and looked back at my boss.

I was PISSED BEYOND BELIEF. I'm sure my boss is wondering if I'm upset because he tried to help me, but I'm not. I appreciate it - as much of an idiot that he can be, he's also a pretty smart sales guy. In fact, I would say the best sales guy I've ever known, so hell yeah, I'm going to listen to what he has to say about my performance and how to improve it.

But Boston Boy? Boston Boy can go to hell. I told Mark I make a point of saying good morning to everyone in our "room" (about 7 people), and intentionally skip him. Mark said that wasn't going to be good enough. I couldn't be passive to him like that. I was going to have to be assertive - aggressive - in his face. Tell him what I think - and not nicely or kindly. He told me I SHOULD have told him, with my boss sitting right there, to "go to hell". If I'd said THAT, it would have shocked the HELL out of my BOSS, but I get where he's going with it. I shouldn't have just rolled my eyes, I need to stand up to him.

So I am. I'm PURPOSEFULLY going to be MEAN to Boston Boy in front of everyone. And often. Yes, I normally follow the golden rule. But you know what I've learned? Sometimes people screw you over when you follow the golden rule.

And do you know what Older Woman told me? That the little group over there - Boston Boy and Chicago Girl have laughed about 4 or 5 times over something I've said on the phone.

That's it. I just want a new job. My candidates LOVE me - I've noticed that people on the phone do NOT love Boston Boy (they hate him) or Chicago Girl (they *really* hate her and hang up on her). You can tell this by the way the conversation ends. "Are you still there?" kind of statements. Or disgruntled sounds and slamming the phone down because someone was rude. Why do they even come to work everyday when they're treated like that? Who would want a job like THAT? Rarely is someone rude to me - I might be able to count on my fingers how many times someone was actually rude when I called them. And I'm a friggin' Recruiter! People are supposed to hate me until they need me!

I don't know what I want out of life. I have a STUPID JOB in a STUPID CAREER that no one respects. I'm going to die as a Recruiter? Wow. Put that on my tombstone, why don't you?

Yeah, like I'll even have a funeral. I will, with people who will feel OBLIGATED to be there. and glad when they can finally leave, skipping out on the burial. I don't care about my funeral, it's just that....

...my life is so meaningless and I'm so unhappy with it.

What does it all mean, anyway?

And if today was just a "bad day", then why am I still upset, knowing a company wants my candidate, and my candidate wants the job? I'm THIS CLOSE to getting a deal - thousands of dollars! Shouldn't I be happy?

Nope. It means nothing. That's what I'm trying to say. It's MEANINGLESS. Mark will be happy when he sees the extra padding in my check, and I'll be happy that I made him happy, and that's where it will end.


...you're standing in line just to hit a new low...
...you're faking a smile with your coffee to go...

If anyone has read my blog from "way back when" - the place where I recruited surgeons and I quit by just picking up my umbrella one day at lunch and never going back, called me! To be a corporate recruiter! How's that for.....unusualness? I TOLD you I'm good at what I do. I wasn't kidding! At least I have self confidence about SOMETHING, geez.

Suck It Up

I had my umpteenth Big-5 phone interview today, and now I'm just confused. After speaking to this lady, I don't even know what job I'm interviewing for now. Supposedly there's something called a "Sourcer Recruiter" and then there's a "full life cycle recruiter". The Recruiting Manager (1st one) was thinking of me as the "Sourcer", so she said. Those are the ones that work only 3 days in the office, and I was thinking it would be perfect for me, being bipolar. But now I'm confused as to what it is that I even DO do, right now, in my real job.

Like I good little interviewee, I asked at the end if there was anything in my background that concerned her about the ability to handle the job. She said she wasn't sure I would be happy with being a "Sourcer", but didn't know if I was a "full life cycle recruiter". Her answer to the question?

You won't believe it.

ANOTHER FRIGGIN' PHONE INTERVIEW. This time with the DIRECTOR of Recruiting, so she told me. She said it would happen this week. This is already Wednesday night.

I have a bad feeling this time. I don't think they'll contact me. She told me they were interviewing other candidates, which is always a bad sign, but she didn't leave it like that, which would have made it worse. If I do have an interview with the Director, I'll probably totally blow it. Why does it keep going up the chain? Why can't the person who will be managing the person just make a simple decision about a PHONE INTERVIEW, and bring the candidate in for everyone to meet? I didn't get the "warm fuzzies" about her like I did with the guy I interviewed with the day before today. She asked me a lot of good questions, though. And ones I had answers for - ones that I had learned in good training from my other recruiting agencies.

Who knows, thinking of HOW I answered the questions, maybe they WILL request a friggin 'nother interview.

My boss was REALLY nice to me today. He was going to lunch with the director of a MAJOR Retail Industry (Billion $+ company), and asked me, and only me, to come along, as this guy makes hiring decisions. He then said when he (my boss) was out, I could handle this account. I gave the Director my card and told him when he couldn't reach my boss, to please call me. The Director was SO nice, I really liked him.

I'm not having much luck placing people at work. Maybe I'm just not a good recruiter at all. What am I doing thinking I should go back to a Big-5 and do this? I can't even do it where I am.

Older Woman is going to quit, I think. I told my boss, even. Don't worry, she told me to tell him. Why she wanted me to tell him that, I don't know. I know if *I* were going to quit, he'd be freaking out all over the place. But he didn't act like that when I told him about her. It was like...ok, and then the subject got changed. And he didn't say anything to her when he got to work. I would have been pulled into an office by my ear. I know all of this because...it's all happened! Maybe he just didn't show it to me and did when we all had left and she was still there. Could it be that he WANTS her to quit?

Bipolar Girl is doing something that could SO get her fired. I *think* she is using company resources, and recruiting "on the side". She just got a contract signed that will bring in $2400 extra for her per month. Trust me, she needs the extra cash. But...maybe, if she's going that direction, she should seriously think about quitting and doing it full time. The only hard part about that is - you don't have the resources anymore - access to job boards, our database, etc. Do you see the dilemma? If my boss ever found out, but how could he unless someone told him? With a mouth like hers - she's already told me and Older Woman, and no telling who else she's told, it could get back to him pretty soon. *I* would never tell - she has secrets on me that she's kept, and besides, I just wouldn't tell anyway. But it seems so....wrong? I'd be careful, because she got a loan from my boss, and gave him the title to her car. (yeah, I know..WOW.)

Well, it was nice thinking I'd work for the Big-5 for a little while, but it looks like it won't come to fruition now. Oh, well. I could cry about it, or suck it up and try to be a better Recruiter in the company that has taught me SO MUCH.

Baby Step Forward

My boss wouldn't meet with Older Woman at their decided time (she wants her own team, and he keeps putting it off), and now she has a job offer that she has to decide about my Monday. She was getting more and more upset when he was putting it off, so I finally sent him an email saying "between you and me, it is IMPERATIVE that you meet with her today." I knew if I asked him, he would do it, but if left alone, he wouldn't. So he asked her around 6:00p or so. They were still talking when I left. She's making her decision to stay or leave based on their conversation tonight.

So...my phone interview with the Manager at the Big 4? Unbelievably, it went better than I ever could have thought. He TOO came from an agency background! He wants another Manager to phone interview me TOMORROW (now, all of a sudden, it's moving so fast!), which is already set up by their admin, and if all goes well, fly me to their location, or he'll fly to the office in Texas to meet me. If it goes bad, well...I guess that's the end of the line. The Manager liked me so much he gave me his email address in case I had any questions I wanted to ask him. I sent him a thank you memo as soon as I got home.

WHY is this such a big deal to me? I've already worked for a Big 5.....and that ended disastrously. You always want what you can't have, right? Maybe I'm trying to "reclaim" what I had, when I didn't even realize what it was. I worked there for 6-7 years, and was fired for a typical bipolar reason. NOT COMING TO WORK! My God, I had to be admitted to the psych ward for being suicidal while I worked there in that last year. So...understandably, that last year was punishing on me. I was trying to get used to new medications - like Seroquel, which gave me "Seroquel hangovers", and I simply could NOT wake up in the mornings. This is the first job I've ever had where I've, about 99%, beat the Seroquel hangovers and can drive into work.

The good thing about this job is that I only have to work in the office 3 days out of the week! What could be better? It's still a fulltime job, but working from home 2 days would help me when I'm "ill" - going to see the doctor without making up an excuse, etc. I could go get Adderall without making up a faux medical condition - it would just be perfect.

Mark called a little while ago and I told him that if the interview went well tomorrow, then I needed to buy a suit - a REAL suit, for the interview. And it had to be tailored. And of course, my hair needs to be freshly cut/highlighted. He was groaning into the phone, but I told him...how much bigger does an interview get than one with a Big 5? It's not just a "good thing to do", it's EXPECTED. I would say, I tell my candidates this for EVERY interview they go on, but I'm not quite THAT strict.

If this were an entry level position, that would be one thing. But it's not. The thing that sucks is that...I know it will pay less than what I'm making now, which seems so strange to me. No one has discussed salary, and it's fruitless to do so because you can't accept or reject an offer you haven't been given. If I had a RECRUITER, like myself, I could just ask them and then proceed if I wanted. But I don't! I'm going this alone, and really wished I had my own Recruiter!

Strange to think that both Older Woman and myself may be gone from our place of employment in a matter of a few weeks. My boss will be DEVASTATED if I leave. I have no idea how I would even tell him.

Am I manic for wanting another job? I think a step up is a positive thing - nothing manic about it whatsoever.

ANOTHER Interview

I have another phone interview with the Big 4/5 tomorrow afternoon, and I plan on coming home to do it. I simply can't be myself when I'm stuck in my car on my cell phone, and I can't count on the reception. At least, if/when I don't get the job, I can think to myself....I did everything I could.

I had to ride with my boss - just him and me - to meet one of my candidates before her interview. He talked to her for about 45 minutes, with me sitting there listening and learning, and then we drove to the company, and he introduced her to the Hiring Manager, and he forgot to introduce me! I introduced myself.

I'm back to 150mg of Seroquel instead of 100mg of Seroquel. I simply can NOT fall asleep on 100mg, but then I can't wake UP on 150mg. I have a meeting at 8:00a SHARP, and I cannot be late tomorrow....

I guess I'll leave work around 11:15a for my interview at 12:30a CST tomorrow? I just hope I don't bomb and get to go on to the "next step", whatever that may be....and yes, there will be a "next step", if not another one after THAT.


I'm not a guy, so I don't understand what having a "mid-life crisis" is to them. But I think I've been having one for awhile. What is the actual definition? I'm panicked, I wonder how old I LOOK, and ask Mark (who's 31!), and do know that I look younger than my age, but that doesn't mean I'm in my 20's! Nor do I look anywhere like it!

How old DO I look? Who would even be honest? I tell NO ONE how old I am. I don't bring up my age to Mark because I don't want to remind him of how old I am - our age gap.

I felt I was age-defying when I wore bikinis to Cancun last summer, and little shorts and tops. But I don't want to be an "older woman" dressing like a young girl. Gosh, am I an "older woman" now?

What the hell am I? How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to wear? How am I supposed to feel?

People at work are pretty curious as to how old I am. One time I lied and said I was 35. I noticed Bipolar Girl told me she was 35, and when it was her birthday, she told everyone she just turned 35 (again), so I have no clue how old she is, either.

Guys just blurt out their age at work..."32", "37", "23"....how can I say I'm 39?

And do you know what makes it WORSE? I'm THIS CLOSE to being "protected" by law for discrimination due to AGE! It's those over 40! Or 40 and over, I don't remember if it's EXACTLY 40, or starts at 41.

So that makes me wonder - if they meet me "face to face" for an interview with the "Big 5", will they not hire me because of how old I LOOK? Will they unconciously discriminate? Because I'm TOO OLD? I know I look very professional and polished next to others, but age is something I canNOT change. Would they rather hire someone younger, thinking they'd learn quicker, be more creative, in touch with "the times"? But I AM!!!

But I try to make myself feel better and think "I'll never be this young again, so I'd better take advantage of it - I'll look back one day and wish I was this young." I think of all the Hollywood stars that are my age and aging, too. I saw pictures of Pamela Anderson, and MY GOD she looks old! I cringed with fear, thinking I looked like that but not telling Mark, and asked him "do you think she looks old now?", while he nodded his head. I then pulled out the big guns and said "Do I look that old?" and he said without hesitation "No, she looks older, MUCH older". I appreciated the fact that he added the "MUCH" with emphasis. You know how old she is? 40. But she looks REALLY rough for some reason. How can I not help but compare myself, except...stars lie about their age. She's probably, actually, 45-50, right?

Is this a mid-life crisis? This is, after all, the last year of my 30's. I don't even know what length of hair is appropriate for my "age". God. "My Age". That sounds SO OLD.

Dear Blog...

Mark got home last night from traveling, and once he stepped in the door, was almost immediately upset with me, even though we hadn't seen each other in about 5 days. The trash was overflowing, and there was something else, but I don't remember what it was. I'm a MESSY PERSON. If that's typical bipolar, I have no idea. But I am. We have a cleaning company come every 2 weeks, but this wasn't the week they came, so trash didn't get taken out this time. It seems so trivial to me, but if it upsets him SO MUCH, I'll have to be sure to do it before he gets home.

We seem so distant, and it's as if he wasn't gone at all the way we're acting towards each other. HE thinks we get along so much better and actually spend more time together with him traveling. Maybe it's just his way of justifying it. I would 100% believe that, but he keeps saying how sick he is of traveling and he just needs a break. He even canceled a trip to stay in Texas because he felt so "run down", and just told his boss the truth. I don't know what to believe or think anymore, except I do believe he's run down.

Unbelievably, the job at the "Big 5" wants another interview, after my last interview was how long ago? Weeks? Maybe 2? I checked my email at the other email address that I haven't been checking, and they sent an email on Thursday requesting interview times, and I just read it (today is Saturday). Oops. I TOTALLY don't know if I am qualified for this job. I keep reading the job description and qualifications, and wonder what they see in my background. All that I can think of is that they want someone who previously worked at a "Big 5", and is a Recruiter - that's where the qualifications and myself end. Why did I apply? Just because I wanted to work there - I thought, what do I have to lose? And really, what did I?

Now the deal is...I kind of like my job again. I have interviews set up for my own candidates, I just got a file cabinet and got myself a little more organized, I dunno...I know what to expect at work. The OTHER job where I talked to the lady on the phone the other night? I don't want it. I did send an email to her saying I'd like to continue our discussion after her trip, but it was really just to be polite. I'm hoping *I* get rejected on that one.

I'm so confused. It really depends on how I'm doing that week if I want a new job or not, I guess? Perhaps I should look back in my blog and see how much I really HATE my job. Either way, I'm pushing forward with the job at the Big 5 (Big 4? I see it written both ways.)

I've pushed myself away from Older Woman and Bipolar Girl. Bipolar Girl - because I think she told my boss that I thought my job was "boring", and HE told ALL of the Account Managers (Older Woman told me) that "KansasSunflower is BORED by her job, and we need to start doing xxxxx." Older Woman said that's two weeks in a row he's used my name in a meeting to justify a point he was making. Why the HELL is he using ME? There are plenty of Recruiters in the office(s), and the AM's will think I'm going to him complaining about them, and I'm NOT. Why ME? Why should they even care what *I* think or say? I haven't even told him this stuff! That's why I'm bitter towards Bipolar Girl.

I'm bitter against Older Woman because she didn't give me an account to that job board when she's the only one that could have. I can't go to my boss about it, because he thinks the job board that I want access to is stupid and we shouldn't be using it in the first place. But I've used Linked In for her to get names of Hiring Managers to companies for her to call to get new Accounts, I'm the only recruiter in the office that's made any deals (job placements - all permanent) with her (4), and she's going to be that way? I've totally stopped recruiting for her. But sabotaging her income (and mine!) is probably not the best idea.

When I stayed late on Friday and was the only one left in the office, my boss asked me if I liked working with Older Woman. What a horrible time to ask me, when I feel so bitter against her. I said "yes, most of the time".

He asked me what I thought of her being a PEOPLE Manager in our office. Like I said, this was a BAD time to ask me. She's told me either he lets her have her "own team", or she's QUITTING. I told him she'd be GREAT training brand new recruiters - ones that had never recruited before coming to work at our office, but not experienced ones. He agreed, saying it made no sense to have someone like me on her team when I was just as good of a recruiter as she was, so what could she teach me? and said she was going to have to conform to the office's ways of doing things. Or...her ideas would have to be used for everyone, and that makes sense to me. You just don't understand how DIFFERENT she wants to "run" her team (but she has some great ideas), and you have to do everything differently for her than you do any other Account Manager. I think it's a lot of work to present a candidate to her. And I have to ask stupid questions of my candidates, and it actually pisses me off. She also put nasty comments in the database about one of my candidates - a LOT of them, and I didn't say anything, but like I said, it festers....

That's about it...I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening, dear blog....

Just Not....."Right"

I sent the girl that sort of "interviewed me" on the phone the other night an email saying I hoped we could meet and continue our conversation when she got back from her trip. Did I mean it? At this VERY SECOND....no. I don't to work there. I'd have to actually MEET her to see if we really "click". She actually said to me she used to be a "snob" about what kinds of jobs she chose for her sales field. Why would you tell someone that, and then make it seem like you were putting down what you do? She told me twice she wasn't sure about her decision, and then she met the head guy at Starbucks, and once she met him, he convinced her. This was just in January! I would be recruiting for someone who has only been doing this since January? I think it would be a big mistake. I would know more about this technology than her, and it would drive me nuts.

The file cabinet. (rolling eyes) For me to move, my boss bribed me with a new file cabinet by my desk. He was going to buy one if I let Miss Priss, who didn't WANT the desk that he was asking me to sit in, move to *my* desk. Well, I waited, and waited, no file cabinet, and I just got pissed and chalked it up to....well, he got his way by saying whatever he needed to...again.

Somehow it got brought up the other day, and Older Woman said "I heard you say it, too!" and he got VERY irritated with her (he's been getting that way with her, I don't know why?), and he told me "KansasSunflower, if I tell you I'm going to get you something, then I'm going to get you something", making this big dramatic THING over it. He then told the Office Manager (haha - his wife) to order me one. Today he sent her this long overdone memo about ordering me a file cabinet, making sure it was of high quality, blah blah, and bcc'ing me on it. PLEASE. BCC'ing me on a memo to his wife? When SHE is the email administrator? WHATEVER!

So she sent me an email saying it will be here tomorrow. I guess it won't be of high quality, because he sent the email today, and she couldn't have had it delivered that quickly, could she? Well, I guess she could, I dunno. (shrug) I could really care less - I just want something to put my overstuffed drawer of paperwork in - I have no more room for all of my resumes that I want to save.

You watch - now Bipolar Girl will want one JUST BECAUSE. She doesn't NEED one, but it will be the principle.

Both Bipolar Girl and Older Woman were out sick today. Older Woman gets sick whenever the weather changes. I know that Bipolar Girl was probably sick because she was "hormonal" - she mentioned feeling bad yesterday. So it was just me and Annoying Boy, who I USED to not be able to stand, and I told him so! He keeps reminding me of when I didn't like him. I keep telling him - at least I wasn't fake and I told you what I thought. We get along pretty well now, actually. Maybe he respects me and doesn't take my friendship for granted. It's weird how things like that work.

I'm starting to HATE nights at home alone. There's nothing to watch on television, Mark's not home, of course, I'm tired of my Sims game, and I CAN NOT sleep! I'm planning on going back to 2 Seroquel tonight for now. I just canNOT keep staying up like this. I just called Mark, and he went to bed at 8:00p! It's was only 9:00 when I called him!

I don't understand why he's lost 30 pounds and is working out every day. Has he met someone? He keeps saying it was because I wasn't paying any attention to him, but I don't believe him. He has the willpower of no one I've ever met. Once he decides something, it's done. He was at 205 and 6'0", and now he's at 175. He seems so skinny now, but maybe it's because of the 30 pounds I was used to holding onto at night when I slept. It seems like he's eating so he'll KEEP losing, too. I wouldn't doubt it if he fell into the 160's, and he has big bones. He hates it when I say that because Cartman on South Park says "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned!", but he really is big boned. It worries me, and still...makes me wonder. Why?

And...what am I doing wrong all of a sudden in my life? It seems like I'm just a screw up. I must have screwed the Big-5 interviews up, I probably screwed the little consulting company interview up, I haven't made a deal in awhile at work, I'm eating like there's no tomorrow and I avoid the gym like CRAZY. I don't know how to get myself to go back during lunch.

The house is a mess, I'm a mess, my desk at work is a mess, I can't sleep, what is wrong with me? And Mark...I feel so inferior. Especially when he's not at home.

Permanent Case of the Mondays

I should have nothing to complain about, so me saying ANYTHING is wrong with me is NOT okay. I'm just a whiny girl when I *should* be so happy. What more could I want or ask for? What don't I have? I have love, a great place to live, a good job, my health, I could concentrate on my faith a lot more, but who couldn't?

So why am I unhappy? Am I unhappy? What am I searching for all of the time? Why do I feel like throwing my life away? NO NO, not suicide. Like...erasing it, as in an Etch-a-Sketch, and re-drawing it. But what would I change?

I would change one thing. I would "turn that frown upside down". That's all I need! I just need to FEEL happy!

No more "permanent case of the Mondays".

How do I get from here to there? Is it an unreasonable request? How am I supposed to feel as a "normal" person? Does a "normal" person just not worry about how they feel?


I guess I'll buy a book. Sure, therapy is an option for a NORMAL person who has the TIME to go to one, and doesn't have a boss that requires you to spend every waking moment at work, except the weekends, when a therapist won't see you.

Am I just screwed here?

Hey There, Life...er, Delilah

I feel like I can't deal with my life right now. No, nothing is so rough or hard or anything. Everything is pretty simple and easy going. We can pay the bills, we can save money, my job is stable, so is Mark's. My Dad is recovering, no one is sick in my life, I should be incredibly thankful right now. But...that's not it. I just feel like I want to push so many things away from me. Basically, my life. I want to put it on "pause", and just rest, just breathe, just think, just make this ANXIETY GO AWAY!!! I don't know why I feel so anxious all of the time. I would give so much for it to leave. My klonipin isn't going to last the full month - I'm having it refilled before 30 days is up.

I should be ecstatic that I'm stable! I'm working - I'm a contributing member of society with bipolar disorder! I can live on my own when Mark is in Chicago (half of the time), I have everyone (except Mark and my Dad) fooled about my mental illness, and damnit, I'm not suicidal, not hypomanic, not anything. I just AM. I have no need to make an appointment to go to the doctor....but, what's so wrong with me?

Maybe it's because I'm in "limbo" - not knowing whether to stay or to go from work. I guess I should stay. Or should I go? Maybe not knowing means I should stay. If it's not so bad that I absolutely can't stand it, why leave? I get along with everyone, everyone gets along with me, things are going okay, I don't have to re-establish at some other place that sometimes I miss a day here and there. The money is decent.....so WHAT THE HELL WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY, if THIS DOESN'T? I don't know. Something more prestigious? But then what if the people SUCKED, and so did the work environment?

Am I doomed to wonder what will make me happy for the rest of my life, and never truly be happy?

What IS happy? I was happy in Cancun. That first day in Cancun, when we were just lying at the beach. That was heaven. No work, no anything, didn't have to be anywhere, yet...I knew it wouldn't last, does that make sense? So I was CHERISHING every second.

Is this all that life is? Basically, waiting for your time to run out until you die? And all you do in that time is stupid stuff - wishing you could lose those last 5 pounds - 10 if you're lucky? Hoping you make it to work in time in the morning? Sitting there waiting until it's time to go home. Dreading getting up in the mornings during the week. Not CHERISHING the fact that you're simply ALIVE? But why? It's so much energy. I just want to take a bunch of medicine and sleep...and sleep...and sleep.....I could do it without the medicine if it weren't for the constant anxiety.

I feel like I could cry, but not boo-hoo cry. Just, cry for no reason in particular, and not even feel necessarily sad.

Maybe I'm still hormonal.

Maybe I'm just NORMAL and everyone feels like this some of the time. I doubt it, but I can hope it.

And I don't think I want that job that I "interviewed" for last night, but what do I do? The polite thing would have been for me to send an email thanking her for her time - we talked for over an hour. She didn't send me one today, either, but we're not supposed to meet up for almost 2 weeks. She could have taken that as a sign that I didn't really want to meet, choosing so long to meet her. I'll send her a STUPID EMAIL, only because this is a small world, especially in this kind of technology, and we'll cross paths again one day. I'm 100% certain of that, unless she gets out of this technology. But her Partners won't, and doggonit if I don't know one of them from LinkeIn. Crap.

Have you ever listened to a popular song OVER and OVER at times in your life, so that when you heard that song later on in your life, it reminded you of that time in your life in the past? "Hey There Delilah" is WAY overplayed on every station I listen to right now, but from the moment I heard it, I fell in love it. I know that in about 6 months, I'll hear this song, and it will take me right back to THIS place in my life.

I just love a guy who can write songs and play them on an acoustic guitar and sing them...like, let me think for a second of someone I know like that. John Mayer is okay, I guess. I mean, he's mediocre on the guitar and has an average voice, writes kind of corny songs, but I can tolerate him.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Do you honestly think I forgot all about John Mayer???? :-)

Phone "Interview"

Well, the phone "interview", persay, went very well, but now I don't know if I want the job. The Account Manager is going on vacation all of next week, and she asked me if I wanted to come in and meet her and the Directors this week, or when she got back. I opted for the week she got back, and told her I wasn't going anywhere.

I don't know if this is the right move for me. I just don't know. I'm not sure it is.

But I'm so damned ANNOYED at work right now!

What should I do?

I wish I could just quit, but I guess....I'll just keep looking for another job. These consulting companies keep popping up...guess they'll keep on doing it, why wouldn't they?

I don't know, I just don't know...

The phone interview lasted for over an hour - she wants me to be HER Recruiter, for us to work as a team, and forego the "Recruiter Manager". Recruiting Manager? Are you friggin' kidding me? A Recruiting Manager OVER me that tells me what to do? Idon'tthinkso. What would happen if she left? Would I just get "thrown in the pot" with the other less experienced Recruiters?

I guess all I can do is go check it out and see what I think?

WHY Do I Want to Leave?

It's possible that I'm going through a "grass is greener on the other side"; at least, that's what my BOSS told me I was doing. He told me, when he sat me down because he found my resume on the internet (time #1 and time #2) that everything always looks greener on the other side, but people still bicker, not everyone gets along, wants more money, blah blah. Yes, true. But I don't FEEL like I BELONG where I AM. I don't fit in anymore. Everyone is WAY nice to me, I don't mean it like that. I'm definitely not an outcast, and probably a more popular member of the team. But...I never WAS like Older Woman or Bipolar Girl. We never "bonded" in a familiar way. It was out of necessity, and while you can't choose your coworkers, you can choose where you work and how you surround yourself. I work with a lot of "broken people". I don't want to be a "broken person" anymore. Maybe my boss has a keen sense for sniffing them out - the "yuppie-ish" yet "broken" person (describing my coworkers, not myself - how could you describe yourself that way?) Maybe people "heal" enough that they can sustain and move on? I know, what a crazy thing to say - "heal" in an almost abusive environment of my boss - but he's not so abusive anymore. He's kind of endearing (I'm sure I'll want to log on tomorrow and delete that statement). That doesn't take away how I feel about where I work.

Shouldn't you feel a certain way about where you work and the people you work with? Maybe my self esteem is too tied into where I work. This is why I never call any agencies back that call me for interviews - why go to another agency when THIS is IT? Same people, different place is how I see it. Except the people I work with now are probably nicer - not cut-throat sales people. There's a "Christian-feel" in the air..."do unto others....".

And yet I LIKE these people so much. I get tired and annoyed and angry and jealous, but happy and laugh with them and at them and them at me all at the same time. They all have such big hearts - where would you find THAT? I guess that's the "good" in working for a small company?

I'm going through all of this in my mind because....the Manager of a Consulting Company and HER boss have both contacted me through Linked In, and I was so disappointed she didn't call me today about a job. I found out when I got home tonight via an email she sent that SHE had been waiting on MY call, and sent an email that she typed her wrong phone number and apologized profusely, asking me to call her tomorrow.

I've been emailing her boss (I didn't know he was her boss or that they even knew each other until he told me this morning via email) a little bit off and on for about 6 months - using Linked In the way you're supposed to - finding SME's (Subject Matter Experts) in a field and asking questions. Her boss was a SME to me, I didn't know him, he didn't know me, but he would answer my questions about companies in the area that used "this particular type of technology" that I recruit. Then, his company was acquired by this Consulting Company, and voila, the stage is now set for me to meet with them.

He asked me who contacted me about a position, and I told him, and he said "she reports to me - she must really like you" with a :-) at the end.

It's a small world, huh? I was trying to count how many times someone had approached me about a job opening just from Linked In, and I have no idea. I didn't keep count. In 6 months, at least 5 times. Non-Agency, good jobs. Not that agency jobs are bad! They're just not what I want right now.

So I'll call her tomorrow, and maybe we won't get along at all. I intend on being completely honest, FOR ONCE, about all of my job history and experience. I haven't done that since I've kept this blog. When I started this blog, I hadn't recruited a day in my life, and went on TONS of interviews, trying to pass myself off as a Recruiter, when I was probably a horrible interviewee!

I hate to say this, but I think a chapter of my life is coming to a close. If not this company, then it will just be another one. The RIGHT one. It's time for me to stop going from job to job every year and settle down, and I'll never do that at an agency, I can see that now. I'm not motivated by money, and that's what you have to be to be happy at an agency. Does that sound crazy? Not motivated by money? I just mean...when I make a placement, the first thing that pops in my head isn't "I just made X thousand dollars!!!", but instead, it's "I just placed the XXX job!!!", and I'm more excited about that. The money part comes when my next paycheck is cushier and Mark is really happy about it.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to make as much as I make now if I don't work where I am, though. My boss gave me a pretty good package when we last negotiated after he found out I had 2 job offers.

I'm so confused. I guess saying goodbye and letting go is always a hard thing to do.

HAHA - this post will look pretty stupid in a year when I'm still working at the same tired, old place.
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