Thursday, November 29, 2007

I'm Cold.

You know? Sometimes I really hate my life. Not "I'm going to kill myself" hate my life, just....I'm tired. Very tired. And the house is cold, Mark is in Illinois, and all around me is quiet. Just....quiet. Me, alone with my thoughts. Great. I have no desire to turn on the television or play a game, clean, eat....nothing. I'm just sitting here wondering....am I just a big fat loser? In "this game called Life"? Things could be much worse, but they could also be worse while I felt better, too. Do I have any connections with anyone in the whole world? I don't think so. I think there are people out there that I could *really* be friends with, but I don't know them. And I can't imagine what kind of setting I'd be in where I'd let my guard down enough to *really* be friends with anyone.

Isn't that the definition of a loser? Someone that doesn't have any family or friends?

Maybe I'm just overworked or under-slept. Doesn't matter, there's always SOMEONE who is MORE overworked and under-slept than you are. Just try and tell someone how you feel. You'll get the picture real quick. "Well you know *I*......"

I just started and stopped a crying spell, over re-reading about when my dog Cody died. Why did I have to be so VIVID in how I felt? I relived the whole thing all over again, and that was be 2 years in February!

If I EVER felt like taking a bunch of Seroquel and going to bed, now would be the time, except....I've got to be a grown up and be at my grown-up job tomorrow (or at least wake up and answer emails/listen to conference calls from home).

Man - now THAT would be depression.

Stupid Job, Anyway.

I'm exhausted. Literally, figuratively, whatever, I just am. My job is killing me. The Managers and Directors are demanding and insane! Today I thought...."did I just take an admin role? Is that what I did?" Because these men (I don't mean that in a derogatory way - they literally are all men) drive me up a wall. If I took just one of them at a time and thought about just their needs and requests, maybe it wouldn't seem so out of hand. But you put them altogether, and I can't even DO what it is I'm supposed to DO! And that's RECRUIT!

Let me give you an example. A Manager sends a resume to me and tells me to schedule an interview with that person. First of all, I'm his Recruiter, so where the HELL did he get that resume? Everything should come through *me* first. I should have screened him and built a relationship with this candidate already. But that's WAY beside the point. As you can see, it pissed me off royally.

This resume. It has a name on the top. That's IT. No phone number, email address, home address, vendor (agency) company name. Just a person's name and his resume. I look the name up in our system - he doesn't exist.

What the HELL? I send it to my "mentor", and he finds (as if I'm not a computer geek) a vendor contact name and number hidden in the footer. But he's never heard of the company. Great. So I call it. They're just as confused as I am! How did I get that resume? The candidate doesn't want a perm job - he wants, at the most, 3 months contract to hire, but preferably contract. And...he'd already had an interview with my company - was this a second interview? How the HELL do I know? Then they told me they entered his information in "the system". What??? They were speaking a different language. I just asked if I could get times for a phone interview if he was still available, and hung up. I don't even remember if I gave them my number?

So that's just ONE Manager's issue today - but that's not his ONLY (crazy) request. And he's not my ONLY Hiring Manager. I can talk about a Managing Director not taking a scheduled interview with my candidate, and after the candidate calls me in a panic mode, well, oops - they decided not to pursue him any further and forgot to tell me so I could cancel it. That takes a chunk of time out of my day - trying to figure out if I gave him the wrong number, scheduled the wrong date/time, whatever, while getting new interview times from the candidate, which was fruitless anyway!

It was like that ALL DAY TODAY! I'm hoping everyone will be traveling tomorrow and won't be able to contact me. :-) I'll actually be able to get some REAL work done! They are SO HIGH MAINTENANCE, and they don't even know it!

Do you know how I got some "real work done" YESTERDAY? I got home at about 4:30p, and worked from home until 9:30, after getting to work at 8:30a. But even then...these Managers don't just stop when it's 5:00p - EST, PST, CST, whatever timezone they're in. It was about 7:00p, and I got a CRAZY *emergency* request for a candidate who has to have x and x experience, but get this - he only wanted candidates that had worked at 2 very specific companies and no one else! Well lo and behold, I hit the jackpot and found one in about 15 minutes, and shocked the crap out of him, and he's interviewing her face to face tomorrow afternoon. If they would let me DO MY JOB, I'm actually really good at it.

Which reminds me of something very, VERY important. If you just so happen, right now, to be choosing WHERE you go to work, in my opinion, it's just about as important as choosing WHERE you go to school. It's a pedigree all on its' own. It's how I got the job where I am now - only because I happened to work at one of those 2 companies that the Hiring Manager just HAD to have on a resume. The agency work I did for 3 years? Nobody cares. The Big-5? It's as if that's the only place I ever worked, and that's all anyone wants to talk about in my past career history. Which is too bad, because I made up a lot of the job experience! ;-)

I've only been at this company for a month, and already ANOTHER Big-5 has contacted me through LinkedIn about working for THEM. This is what I'm trying to say. Pick something, anything, and stick with it. You like the health industry? Great - find a job there, and stay in that vertical when moving positions. If possible, pick a recognizable named company. The bigger or more prestigious, the better. You're a lot more marketable that way. You have "industry experience". The only thing about Big-5's and why people want those employees so much is because of the work ethic and because they know they've been client-facing. I don't get paid for overtime, but I'm working WAY over 50 hours a week. I don't feel like I have a choice, just like when I worked at the other Big-5. And I know they ALL feel the same pressure.

But why? I never could figure it out before, either. Why are we all working so hard and racing so fast? I have to so I can keep up with THEM. I guess THEY do it so they can keep up with their clients? They're at the clients "beck and call", just like I'm at THEIR "beck and call" for candidates.

This sucks, but I don't EVER want to go back to my old job. Ever.

Mark is out of town until tomorrow night at about midnight, and I miss him and am lonely without him....
Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Job, Very Boring Entry


It was ALL I could do to force myself to get up just now - at 5:30a. It makes it harder knowing that I can stay home if I want, but I'm trying to keep a regular "schedule" going in to work for my illness, and part of that is actually getting out in society and proving I'm an active participant. I spoke to a Recruiter where I work who comes into the office every week, too (we never have to come in if we choose not to), and he said he comes in Monday - Wednesday, just because he doesn't get as much done from home as he does in the office. That's exactly how I think it would be for me, too. Once I'm acclimated to my job, I may do what he does - go into the office Monday - Wednesday, and work from home Thursday - Friday.

I got an email yesterday from *another* Big-5 Recruiting firm about Recruiter's opening they have. If I didn't see a pattern before, I see one now. All of them are aggressively trying to hire each other's employees. I told her thanks, but I'd only been at my job for a month, I'd forward her info along, and keep in touch. I would *never* burn a bridge with her - no way. All of the Recruiters I work with have a Big-5 recruiting background, and I would say me too, but at the Big-5, they don't know it, but I never recruited! My "Chatty" friend introduces me to people she knows around the office as "the OTHER girl who used to work at X Company", totally skipping by my 3 years of REAL recruiting. That means nothing to them. And some of my, ahem, "clients" only want to hire people who have a "Consulting background"; i.e. - have worked for a large consulting firm in the past, and won't consider anyone else.

I hate to say it, but it IS different, and something you just can't "teach" on the first day. It really depends upon how client-facing the role is right away. I have the general culture down, but NOT what happened yesterday!

I had been working so hard on these jobs, and then...they just went away. The client (external, I know this gets confusing, but my Manager is beating down on me that my Hiring Managers are *my* "clients") decided they no longer needed them, so all of my hard work getting candidates was for nothing. I guess I should view it as working for a Recruiting agency - I can get them past the Account Manager without a problem, but it's getting the outside (not my internal) clients to hire them that's a challenge. It was SUCH a letdown that I had to vent to my Chatty Friend and ask her how she would feel. She said she would feel the same way, so I felt a bit better since she came from a similar environment. I called the person who is my "go-to" person and asked him to help me prioritize my work because of what happened, and he said I was doing everything right, just keep in constant contact with my "clients" so I always know what jobs are "hot", and which ones I shouldn't be wasting my time (or the vendors' time). He helps me SO MUCH, and when I always thank him profusely, he just says that's what he's there for. He is incredibly nice, and would make a great Manager.

Enough about work, eh? Mark is in Illinois for the next two weeks, coming home for the weekend, of course. It's too bad, because we just celebrated our 1 month anniversary on Monday. It would have been nice to vent to him last night, but oh well. I did it on the phone instead, but it's not the same. I want to be positive and upbeat, because it's really the only time I talk to him all day long.

I've been taking my Seroquel BEFORE bed so I'll drop to sleep once I get there, and then have been eating myself out of house and home at night. My stomach is HUGE! I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and take it when I'm going up the stairs like I used to, no matter HOW awake and "wired" I am, and tough it out until it "kicks" in. That's the thing with me right now. I'm too wound up without it that I can't even stand to lay in bed without its' effects.

Last night, as SOON as I got home, I was so anxious that I took 3 1mg klonipin. Is is anxiety? Panic? It's a combination of both, and is so physically uncomfortable and overwhelming. Don't get me wrong - it's gotten better since I split my klonipin in half. I guess? But it's so bad I can't even concentrate. At least now it's not 100% of the time, and only when I get all psyched out about work.

I'm becoming an obsessed workaholic, unsure about my performance, constantly thinking I'm failing, and I don't like it. I am probably doing a kick-ass job, but what do I really have to judge it against? My Manager says I'm going an awesome job, but....how does she know? She lives in DC, I live in TX, we barely speak once a week, and she just knows I came in and started working right away instead of easing slowly into my job. Also, she thinks I have a great attitude. If she gets wind of my attitude from yesterday, I wonder what she'll think...
Monday, November 26, 2007

Manic-ky

It's just been a few days since I cut my Abilify in half, and I'm feeling a bit manic-ky. Okay, more than a bit. But I don't know what is considered a "lot".

I can't sleep. I have too much blood pumping through my veins - too many ideas about what I WANT to do at work tomorrow, what I NEED to do, what I HAVE to do, and it all EXCITES me.

Yes, I feel very, very excited, and about WORK of all things!

I always read where people say they LONG to "feel good" and they miss feeling "manic". Yes, I feel REALLY GOOD, and happy. But scared. When I'm manic, I do stupid, stupid things. I exercise poor judgement. Emails are my vice, and I communicate almost exclusively through email all day long. I hit "send" before I stop to think how what I just sent would be perceived. That gets me into huge trouble, as well as old boyfriends I just get the "gumption" to email out of the blue and Mark discovers...all kinds of things.

It is NOT SAFE for me to be manic. Depressed is one thing - it's painful, it's miserable, and it hurts. Manic is another. Sure, it feels okay, but you can't sleep, you constantly have excited butterflies in your stomach, you do obsessive compulsive things like check your email every 30 minutes, and make POOR judgement calls that can't be taken back. I wish I could FEEL manic, and act as grounded as I do when I'm depressed?

At 5:00a this morning, my alarm clock went off, ,and I sprung out of bed from a dead sleep - SO not like me. I'm a "snooze button" user. I guess I should count my blessings that I was still asleep at 5:00am!

I got totally lost in the day today - too much to do with too little time, going from one thing to the next, and having to write down what I was doing because I would get interrupted and forget to go back to the last thing, or forget what the next thing was I was supposed to do. Maybe this job is feeding into my manic side?

I worked 8+ hours at work, and probably 2 hours from home. I only get paid 40 hours/week, and no overtime. The thing is...I just want to do a good job. Salaried employees don't get paid overtime, and this is only the second time ever that I've been a contractor. I just turn in 40 hours/week, regardless of how many hours I ACTUALLY worked.

I've been trying to use : )'s to portray a happy tone as I've noticed my "clients" are big on : )'s, but tonight, I found out one of my "clients" forgot to interview one of my candidates, and she emailed me at 11:00 EST to tell me. She waited from 6:00p - 11:00p EST for his call which never came. I feel SO BAD for her! I forwarded her message to my "client" and said, in a nice way, pretending I didn't assume he forgot, if I had given him the wrong phone number, knowing I hadn't. I realized after I sent it that it may have been perceived as accusatory.

I was on top of the world today when a Managing Director (again, my "client) had 2 Senior Managers fighting over one of my candidates, with the client who missed the call tonight winning out in the end. I sure hope I get someone hired soon. If not, as long as they see my amazing recruiting abilities, I'm fine with that. I just don't want to be booted out the door! I like my job too much!

And Mark sent me roses today at work - for our Anniversary! I completely forgot that November 26th was our 1 month anniversary! When I was told I had a delivery up front, I was expecting it to be a letter saying turn in your laptop and company equipment, thank you, goodbye.

We went to dinner, and after sitting there for 10 minutes or longer without anyone so much as asking for our drink orders, we got up and left. I complained to the hostess on our way out, who got the manager, who apologized and gave us a $25 gift certificate. We then went and got fast food. I ate 3 chicken tacos - 140 calories each - because I've gained mega-weight it seems to me.

I'm NOT going back up on Abilify to see if I get over being manic. I'll just take extra somethingorother. I don't know what yet, but I'll figure it out.
Sunday, November 25, 2007

Is It Me?

Mark made me so mad this morning. I got up first, and for breakfast I had my leftover sweet and sour chicken from last night. I was still tired, so I went back to bed. In the meantime, he had gotten up and was watching television downstairs. When I got out of bed for the second time and grabbed the remote control to change channels, he said "Did you wash your hands first?". I thought, WHAT THE? No explanation, no anything, just said like I was a child who needed to be reminded to wash their hands for some reason. So, I got pissed. It was THEN, AFTER I said "What the?" and made it clear I was mad, that he said that he had gotten up and the remote control was sticky from sweet and sour sauce and he'd had to wash it. Couldn't he have explained himself FIRST?

That just led to a bigger and bigger "fight/discussion", with me going back to bed and ignoring him while he was standing above me, still talking, being the "martyr".

He then started to work out, and I went downstairs to watch television again. I decided to take a diet pill - and HARDLY made any noise at all. I just took the bottle out of my purse, grabbed 2 pills, already had a glass of water, and swallowed them. No "shaking of the bottle"....nothing. He flew down the stairs and demanded to know what I'd taken, and if it was Seroquel. Yes, I took Seroquel yesterday and slept a lot, but I was bored, I guess? I didn't overdose, I just wanted to sleep. Anyways, he then informed me the next time I took Seroquel and slept during the day, he was going to call my doctor and tell him what I was doing. Fine, whatever. Go ahead - do it. So once AGAIN, I was pissed.

He's been complaining all day, and I'm really not listening - I'm just tuning out. Maybe it's the Seroquel from yesterday, but I only took 400mg - it's not like I took 8 or 9 pills.

We went to the "corner store" because he was out of soda, and he acted "all sweet" to this blond girl behind the counter, VERY uncharacteristic of him. He never even makes eye contact with people! She acted a bit smitten herself. I've only been there once when she was there, and she gave me the cold shoulder, glaring at my designer purse, but today, with him, she was being overly nice to me, saying "so how is your day going so far?", etc. He used his "soft voice" to her, which he only uses to ME! I didn't say anything to him...I didn't want to act like a kook, but she's just started working there, and I'm going to keep my eyes open. I don't remember this EVER happening before...is it because we just got married that I'm seeing this and I'm insecure?

Later on, a fight/discussion later about I don't know what, I said "are you just wanting to break up or something?". Yes, I'm back to that. Thinking we're just going to break up.

Getting married has really pushed me backwards by years in our relationship as far as being emotionally secure, and I have no idea why that is? Maybe it really hasn't, and I would be feeling and acting like this regardless. There's no way to know.

I DO know that I am FAT. I'm over 135 now, and who knows, I could be close to 140 when I weigh again.

I'm going to join a new gym and start eating properly once more. With my flex schedule for work, I have no excuse not to go the gym.

Maybe that's part of my insecurity....

I have quite a "Seroquel hangover" today....
Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving and Abilify Update

It's amazing to me how hungry I am NOT by cutting my Abilify in half! Normally I wake up FAMISHED, and I didn't this morning! I couldn't even finish my bowl of Raisin Bran, after I'd been up for about 2 hours! I think I did the right thing....for NOW, anyway, by cutting my Abilify in half. Better concentration, intensely decreased anxiety, and less hunger! What more can you ask for? All of that equates to a happier KansasSunflower in my book!

My neighbors had their Christmas lights up last night! And not just a few...it's all over their house and yard! It aggravates me every year. I LOVE decorating for Christmas, but it just seems too early. But today, it seems okay. :-) I don't think Mark will "let" me decorate for Christmas this year. Most of the garland from LAST Christmas is still on the banisters of our staircases!

I always have so much extra time on my hands on Thanksgiving. Mark and I spend it alone, and then go to his parents the next day or weekend.

I'm cooking a turkey, so here I sit, waiting to baste it every 30 minutes. I'm cooking other things, of course, but nothing that's hard or timely. Too many dishes to wash, and, after all, it's just Mark and myself! He hates vegetables and dessert, so really, what else is there besides mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, and corn (the one vegetable he'll tolerate)? Oh yeah...gravy...

I think I miscalculated the amount of time the turkey will need to cook. We may be eating early - like around 11 or 11:30. I hope I can stretch it out until at least noon!

It's nice not having "family pressure" on Thanksgiving. I really enjoy it because of it. I remember as a child having to get dressed up at my grandparent's house for my grandmother's whole extended family to come to their house for the holiday. All the cooking and preparation was unbelievable! It was your typical large family feast - with the "kid's card table" and everything, with Susie, Danny, Mikey and myself eating our dinner there. Football was watched by the men, while the women cooked and gossiped in the kitchen.

Good memories, but I *so* don't miss it. Mark's small family gatherings AFTER the holiday is enough pressure for me!

I don't know why I have such a disdain for family gatherings. Mark's family doesn't push me, but doesn't understand why I don't "come around" more often. They don't dislike me for it, but his older brother will go on and on about how much they like me and and having me around. I wouldn't speak to him for about 2 years after he accused me of not liking the family and not being more involved - making his mother cry over the phone to Mark, apologizing for what his brother had said because I was so mad. He had said the same thing to my now *real* sister-in-law, (these were emails that we both forwarded to the WHOLE FAMILY to show what a jerk he could be). I don't think I have it anymore? I'll have to check my archives.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope you have as wonderful of a day as mine has started out to be so far! (I woke Mark up to open a bottle of wine to mix with the butter to be basted on the turkey. I've never opened a bottle of wine before today!)
Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Bah-Bye to Anxiety!

What a wonderful day it is when you can make it through the whole day without "popping" a single klonipin or any other kind of anti-anxiety medication because you simply can't STAND the "panicky" feeling any longer!

I *knew* it! I just *knew* it was the Abilify increase, and by cutting it in half this morning, I proved it! I'm not even as hungry anymore.

Now...I'm not saying I did the "brightest" thing in regards to my mental health. I desperately NEEDED that extra 5mg when it was increased. It changed my mood like flipping a light switch - as dramatically from dark to light, and almost as quickly. I'm very afraid I'll spiral back into a depression like I was, or not be as cheerful as I am now. BUT. I'm only cheerful right now because I'm not anxious! :-)

MAN, I could SO concentrate at work today. I feel like I got a lot more done than I normally do, and I wasn't just stopping and starting, over and over again.

It's like a fog has lifted.

But I NEED Abilify. I just hope 5mg is enough. It's almost as if....I need somewhere between 5-10mg. I think 7mg dosages would be perfect for me. But they don't make 7mg doses!! Perhaps I'll stay on 5 for awhile, see how I do, and go up to 7 if needed, or back to 10 if I crash.

I'm desperately scared I'll crash.

I got my first real "one on one" over the phone with my Manager today, and she was really singing my praises, and it felt great. She loves my work , my attitude, my initiative, etc. But...how much does she really know about what I'm doing from another state? It's more like...if my Managers that I support (my "clients" that I recruit for, technically, in the consulting world) aren't complaining, then that's good news, and all must be well. Ha!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I'm cooking everything myself for Mark and I! (We're going to his family's on Friday). I bought a turkey that I'm making with mashed potatoes, stuffing, crescent rolls, a vegetable, and...no dessert. He doesn't like it, and I don't need it.

I hope everyone that has read this far has a Great Thanksgiving!!! :-)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Say Bah-Bye to Abilify - Just Half

Tomorrow, I'm going back down to 5mg of Abilify from the increase to 10mg of Abilify in July when I was almost suicidally depressed http://kansassunflower.blogspot.com/2007/07/down-for-count.html.

Why? I can't shake this anxiety - I go through my klonipin faster than my "monthly allowance", and I've now graduated to taking 50mg of Seroquel instead, making me HUNGRIER. I've gained almost 10 pounds since the increase in Abilify (in July), and I just read where weight gain is a side effect! I had NO idea!

No, I don't want to go back to the depression I felt in July, but I can't live on this serious anxiety - worrying about my performance at work and how many HOURS I've worked constantly among other things, and being so hungry, even when I take phentermine!

I remember my psychiatrist questioned, when I told him LAST time I had gone down from 15mg of Abilify to 5mg, if it was even therapeutic at that level. I don't know, but SOME Abilify has got to be better than NO Abilify.

It's really a shame, because I LOVE the drug. Nothing has quite worked on my depression and kept me as happy. Mark actually said it brought my personality back with the last increase. I started going to lay out at the pool every weekend - but it's that Abilify "restlestness", perhaps?
I can ALWAYS go back to 10 mg from 5 if I need to - except....I know, there's no guarantee it will work as well. Maybe....it will still work, but the anxiety and weight gain will be gone.

I'll go back to my doctor....eventually...
Saturday, November 17, 2007

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y...Night!

I'm just a tad tipsy. Mark and I went to dinner and I only had one glass of white wine! Honestly! It was a larger than normal glass, in my opinion.

I have ONE Geoden left for tonight, and then I'm OUT. I called Mark's insurance company, which is now MY insurance company (hopefully), and they said I was a member, and gave me my member ID# to give to the pharmacy tomorrow. I hope it works, because I actually have about 6 prescriptions, not just Geoden, to pick up. HOWEVER. From all I've read, Geoden withdrawals sound especially bad?

Mark seems hopelessly depressed. I may have spoken of it before, but I have NO CLUE how to get him over this, not that it's my "job", but if it's not *mine*, whose is it? He can't accept his "place" in the world. He's a Senior Manager, his "up-above's" think he should be promoted to Director soon, in a huge company, and he's disappointed at where he is. AT 31!! He keeps comparing himself to the "Bill Gates", "Mark Cubans", "Steve Jobs", Warren Buffets" of the world, and how he's hasn't achieved that level of success. He's REALLY miserable and down on himself about it, and I'm not just kidding here. For a minute, he was joking about suicide, and no, I didn't take it lightly. He even commented on how nicely xanax and port went together. Do you KNOW what he meant? He drank an entire bottle of port and downed an entire bottle of xanax years ago and I had to call 911!!! This was after months of him self-medicating with xanax and alcohol. I suggested he go see a counselor, and he said he did, and all they told him he should learn to accept his place in the world, and he can't, and "screw that". I started to suggest a psychiatrist, but he said "or what? take a pill? no thank you!", to which I emphatically replied "FINE! I guess I'll just stop taking mine, then, since reality is how I see it off medication!". I'm sure he was thinking "KansasSunflower ALWAYS has to make it about her....".

He, almost angrily, had taken me to the independent movie theater, but I don't like seeing an independent flick without researching it on the internet first. He commented "I should at least get 'points' for this...'". So he took me to dinner at a place he goes with his boss and the people from Illinois at work when they're here - and the food was great! That's where I had my glass of wine....

I don't know what to think about work. It feels like I'm not working enough. I'm used to being "chained to my desk" in an office, being micro-managed, at least 44 hours per week, and usually more. NOW I come and go into the office as I please - I don't even have to go into the office at all if I choose, and maybe that's why I feel I'm not working hard? I work at home - make calls/send emails, attend conference calls, etc. I force myself to go into work everyday anyways, at least for most of the day. I leave either before or after the traffic hits since I live 28 miles away from the office, and then I go home at about 3:30, before rush hour. I have a nice office at work where I can really concentrate (a nice perk), and a coworker whose office is just two down from mine who I can talk to and we can ask each other questions when we have them (we started on the same day). It also keeps me from being lonely, probably?

I have to get it settled in my mind that I AM working hard. I think not keeping track of my hours VISUALLY is the problem. I need to start doing that. Such as...writing on a piece of paper: on Monday, I worked 9 hours, Tuesday, 7.5, and so on, because I worked today (Saturday) for at least 1-2 hours, and I don't even consider that during the week.

I just hope I'm performing okay? I guess if I look back in my blog, I've probably said that about every single job I've held. My coworker is flying to the part of the country where we recruit for to meet her Managers that she fills positions for their teams (at her Manager's request), but my Manager (that I report to), hasn't mentioned going there to me. However...my coworker fills INTERNAL positions. I, on the other hand, fill external, meaning....her people will work for the company. My people will work at client sites, generating revenue for the company. Does that make sense? I can tell by what she says that the mindset between my Managers and hers is TOTALLY different. At least I hope. Hers are a nightmare. Mine have seemed totally nice so far? I wish I didn't always worry about work so much.

I need to decide what to do about Mark's and my Thanksgiving (cook everything from scratch, or just buy a dinner pre-made and heat it on Thanksgiving morning), and hope I can get my medications paid for by the insurance company tomorrow.

And then there's the headache of the "reception" Mark's mother is throwing us in January, and how Mark is getting mad at me that I'm not responding to his mother's emails.....
Tuesday, November 13, 2007

PUKE

This is miserable. Yes, I know I just typed a post, but I tried to go to bed, and my stomach is so tied up in knots that I can't sleep. I even took a double dose of NyQuil because for some strange reason, I walked in the door and came down with a horrible cold. It seems to have done the OPPOSITE effect of making me drowsy. I'm waiting for my Seroquel to "kick in" and I took 2 more 1mg of Klonipin.

But it's almost 11:00p! I try to be up by 5:00a so I can wake up slowly from all the drugs I take at night - do you know what I mean? I don't DARE take more Seroquel! I won't be able to get up. But...worse case scenario...a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

I feel like I could throw up. Is this a mini-anxiety attack I'm having? I'm obsessing over work. I got in before 8:00a (it took me an hour to get there), left at 3:30, and started working again immediately when I got home, checking email here and there until I went to bed. I'm going to have to STOP that because it keeps me "wound up".

I've never had a good work/life balance. At my previous job, it was ENCOURAGED to make your life your work, so it was easy for me. Now...I have to monitor it myself and I have no idea how to do that.

My friends from work - Bipolar Girl and Older Woman - didn't email me back today. I sent them an email apologizing for not making it to Older Woman's b-day dinner with just the 3 of us, and they didn't respond today. I'm not going to send ANOTHER email - I'll wait one more day.

My friend from the Physician Recruiting Agency emailed and said he wants to meet for lunch tomorrow at 11:30 near where I work, but with this cold, should I go? And sniffle the whole time? I love the restaurant he chose, and it would be good to see him again, but I feel like taking a rain check. It just doesn't seem like I have the time!

Mark said his mother is getting frustrated with me because she is trying to plan this reception for our wedding, and I won't respond to her emails. Gosh, it's only been a few days! Maybe 2 or 3? I don't KNOW what I want! I'm so confused.

I emailed a girl that was married about 2 years ago, and I was a bridesmaid, and was shocked to find out she was getting a divorce! I remember thinking at the time that they were rushing things, but they DID live together before they got married for a little bit, so they knew what they were getting into. I'm no one to talk about "rushing things" - I'm a snail. Mark and I were together for TEN YEARS before we got married. Friday will be our THREE WEEK ANNIVERSARY! :-) He thinks it's silly for me to count down the weeks, but hey...how much longer do I get to do that? It's not like I'm out buying cards or anything.

Puke. I could just puke. If my stomach would just relax, I think I could go to sleep....

Just Stuff

I've been at my new job about a week and a half, and I'm kind of just asking the other recruiters what to do. That's what you do at a new job, right? EXCEPT. I don't know what I am already *supposed* to know as a Big-5 Recruiter, which I claimed to be, but am not. Sure, I worked for a Big-5, but not as a Recruiter, so I never learned their processes and procedures (and spreadsheets, I'm finding out). Everyone is only too nice to share their information, though, SO unlike agency recruiting, where everyone holds their knowledge close to their vest. All of the recruiters I've met at my new job have been incredibly nice, and...a lot like me? The girl that started on the same day I did - well, we have so much in common I can hardly believe it, and I've felt like an alien for so long now....I guess agency recruiting and the motivation behind it (money) just wasn't my cup of tea. I'd rather do my job and get paid for doing it instead of being in sales.

Mark's mother wants to throw us a reception, but there's a huge, or at least what I perceive to be huge, problem. Mark has all family and no friends for the reception. I have all friends and no family to invite to the reception. I feel weird that only MY friends will be there with only HIS family. IF any of my friends even come! Aren't we just the most mismatched couple you've ever seen? I make all of these friends but stay away from my family, and Mark is just the opposite? Perhaps that is one thing that attracted us to each other?

I wish I didn't feel so insecure about my job, and I'm RUNNING OUT OF MEDICATION! It is going to be a full $1500 if I don't get my health insurance card by Friday. Mark will FLIP OUT. Obviously he won't deny me anything, I've warned him before how much my medicine is without insurance, but warning someone and actually paying for it out of pocket are two seperate things. He said he's "sure it's "$1000", but I don't know what to do?
Sunday, November 11, 2007

Should Have Seen It Coming

Why? Why do I have so much anxiety that I feel like I could throw up? I keep thinking about my new job, or perhaps I'm just trying to attach this feeling to something, anything.

I also got married 2 weeks ago - yay! But..my whole life has kind of changed. My job, my relationship status, no medical insurance....a lot is on my mind.

Swinging into "some" kind of mode had crossed my mind beforehand, but it doesn't make it any easier or more comfortable.

I've taken 4mg of klonipin....nothing. It hasn't phased me a bit, nor did the warm bath I just took. I don't understand. I increased my Seroquel at night from 100mg to 200mg a few months ago because of this. That alone should have done the trick.

Is this the price to pay for being bipolar? I know that keeping the same schedule and not changing things is incredibly important for my mental health, but you know, your life DOES change, and many times, for the better, like now. Why should I have to be punished for doing something GOOD for myself?

Am I in the throes of hypomania, or perhaps a serious panic attack?

It's almost crippling, debilitating. At one point, I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. Right now, my stomach has major butterflies - I feel like I'm in a "fight or flight" mode, and it's risen into my chest and head. It's so hard to describe! My hands are actually shaking.

It's not something I can't "live with" - I can still do things - like laundry, type a blog entry, take a bath, do my hair, etc. It's just so....physically uncomfortable. My shoulders are hunched up and I'm tense and I just want RELIEF!

I'm supposed to go out with my friends for Older Woman's birthday tonight, but I *really* don't want to go. Like this? In a major panic mode?

I need to go to the office store and buy a few supplies for my office so I can work from home when I want to (yay!), and skip that HORRENDOUS drive. It's 25 miles, which equates to an hour and a half on the freeway one way. It's horrible.

If I take a Seroquel, I simply won't be able to keep my eyes open, and is that really a solution? My doctor would probably say yes, it is, but I say no, it's not. I'm gaining weight as it is from the increase.

I'll just have to wait it out until it passes, assuming it's my new job.

I guess there are times I have to stop pretending I'm normal, and accept the facts. I'm not. Major changes will affect me majorly. Every bipolar book I've read even says so.

What am I supposed to do with THAT? It did cross my mind, but there's no possibility of preparing yourself for it before it comes. Increase my Seroquel dosage to 300mg? And what, not be able to get up in the morning? Eat myself out of house and home? I already can't go to bed until the Seroquel "kicks in", and it's making me gain weight because I start EATING!

I'll just have to "ride out the storm", I suppose...what choice do I have?
Friday, November 09, 2007

Up Early


So here I am, barely 4:30a, and I can't sleep. I got up about 10 minutes ago because it was better laying in bed with anxiety and my eyes open. I had a weird dream that I was in Vegas to get married and my fiance (not Mark) married someone else, and...it was just sad and pitiful.

I'm slowly coming to realize that my job is make the Managers, who are my "clients", happy. If that means go to Recruiting Agencies to get vendors so they have candidates IMMEDIATELY, then that's what I'll have to do. It's too bad that I can't...okay, WON'T go to my last place of employment, a Recruiting Agency, to do business with them because of my former boss. I have SUCH a good rapport already established with the Account Managers, especially "Older Woman". Isn't it a shame I won't work with her because of bitter feelings towards my jackass former boss?

I figured I would sleep in this morning, and stayed up until 11:45p last night, waiting for Mark to come home, eating because I'd already taken my Seroquel. I thought I'd just sleep in this morning and go to work when I woke up. Guess that isn't going to happen this time, is it?

Mark's Mom and Dad want to throw us is this reception at the place where we had our first date, which is a really nice place, but they want addresses, and they want to do it in the beginning of December. I'm so anxious about a reception, I don't know why! I just am. I really don't want to have one at all.

Might as well finish up a pot of coffee and go on in to work before traffic gets heavy....

KS
Thursday, November 08, 2007

No Insurance! Just an Update!

I'm slowly, one by one, running out of my medications. My horrible, mean, now I see was very ugly previous boss cut off my health insurance practically the day I quit, and after we got married, Mark IMMEDIATELY faxed the form over as a "life changing event" to get me on his plan. You would think that since he works for a health insurance company, it would be done like *that* (snapping fingers), right? I mean, he had HIS card 3 days after he started his job.

I shouldn't be mad at Mark's company. Mark faxed the form in a week and a half ago - it's not quite time for me to be irate. It's my former BOSS. Oh he has me mad! Do you know it's now been a month since I quit, and legally, I should have paperwork by now for COBRA? Guess what I don't have in my hot little hands?

I wrote an email to an Account Manager (who happens to be a dear, sweet friend) at my former place of employment, knowing FULL WELL his wife reads all of the email (yes, they're weird), telling her - the truth about my new job. That I have 40 - 60 jobs right now and I can send ALL of them to vendors (Recruiting Agencies - which is what my former place of employment is) at my will - no approval from anyone, just if I am swamped, they are hard to fill, or it's been a few days and I want to make sure the Hiring Manager gets coverage.

My old company only HAS 40-60 jobs to work on AT ANY GIVEN TIME! Plus, he used to say "no consulting companies", and I made sure to put that in my email, too. I said "too bad I can't work with you, you know what XXX always said - no consulting companies, and besides, he should have thought of that when he didn't pay me my last check and cut off my insurance". I know for a fact he never meant Big-5 Consulting companies, either.

Yep, he probably just lost thousands and thousands of possible (I can't guarantee) revenue. You BET I would have loved to work with my friend and help her make commission on placing people at my company every chance I got, but to help HIM? No way. I'm not sticking my nose out at my NEW JOB for that.

I have no clue how I'd get them on the Approved Vendor List, but they are bending over backwards for me for some bizarre reason (maybe they are just this nice to everyone?), I think I could do it, but I'm definitely sure I will NOT. I won't give that man ANOTHER RED PENNY. It's important to my Sr. Mgr that I develop a relationship with a few of the vendors and work with just them, and wouldn't this be a golden opportunity for me to work with my dear, sweet friend from my former company? But....that would be lining his pockets with cash.

A rotten, mean, old (okay, he's only 46) man who's a miserable millionaire. I should have pity on him. I will as soon as I get my new insurance card.

Don't worry, I won't go without any medication - I'll just have to buy them one by one, then get reimbursed when I do get my insurance card. But that's EXPENSIVE. OMG, you would think psychiatric pills were made out of platinum (not gold, that's too cheap for psychiatric pills!).

The girl at work that started on the same day as I did has officially LATCHED ONTO ME. I will slyly close my office door, but not so it latches, and she'll just come in and open it a bit and start talking, and as she's talking, she'll open it wider and wider, until it's completely open and she's talking freely. I don't quite know how to say "I want to work...." because she's so nice and she means so well.

What's weird is HER husband works M-F in Illinois in the same city MARK does! Her husband would LOVE to move there, but of course, Mark doesn't. We're alike in a lot of ways....but she has kids and...well, pets. I wish I had a pet. :( I've seriously been thinking about getting one now that I don't work in a "prison" any longer, except if we DO move to Illinois, we'll probably rent something in the city, and I'll get stuck taking the dog out for walks all the frickin' time. I HATE doing that.

Other than that, so far, on my 4th day, I love my new job, the people I work with, I hate the long drive, and OH! I got lost on my way to work today! I was 6 minutes late for a conference call, when I'd left an hour and a half before it began! I'm such a dork.

That's about it, except I'm waiting for Mark to come home...it's not quite 9:00p, and he won't be home until around 11:00, when he gets here from the airport....

My New Job!

Can I say, first of all, that I LOVE my new job? It's wonderful being treated as an adult! I want to pinch myself, and wonder what in the world am I going to do to screw this up.

My old boss was all about being in the office every second of every day. I had to put in 2 13 hour days every week, and even then, I was "cheating myself" if I didn't work more than that. He was also verbally abusive - I kind of already knew that, but being away from now, I totally see it. I hope I NEVER have to go into an environment like that again.

For my new job, the main thing circles around when I have to be there and when I don't. It's all up to me. I work 25 miles from home, so to avoid traffic, I leave at 8:30, get there around 9:30, leave for home about 3:15, and get home at about 4:00. I then work from home for a few hours. You can't even IMAGINE how luxurious it feels when you've had a boss like the one I've had. As a matter of fact, the guy that is training me only came into the office for ME. He hadn't been into the office in 5 months!

I have my own "office" in the office - and it's next to a Recruiter who started on the same day as I did, so we've become friends, although we haven't had a chance to talk too much yet. I've been sitting in a spare office next to my trainer as he came into the office just for me, but her trainer couldn't even be bothered to come into the office for her this week! I have no idea what she's even doing, and if it's nothing, I feel so bad because *I* am really busy. My trainer has made sure of that.

And, I know this is too good to be true, but everyone is really nice. I'm waiting on that one, but I know looks can be deceiving. I'll find out true motives soon enough, right?

My boss lives in another state, and today is the first conference call she's set up for us to check on how I'm doing, and it's already Thursday! See how luxurious this is? I know if I had needed her, she'd be totally available, but I haven't, and besides, I want to be "easy to manage".

Another good thing about this is that, since I'm not being micro-managed, I can just get up and leave whenever I want and get my Adderall prescription refilled at my doctor's office without explaining anything to anyone. No "faux-medical condition". How's THAT for luxury? I've been SO oppressed for SO long.....

Okay, enough gushing about my job as I have a training conference call at 9:30a and really want to take it in the office and not at home, so I should get my butt in gear.

Since I've been leaving work so early, I've been lonely without Mark at home at night. I find myself finishing up my work and done with it before I ever would have been home from my old job. There's nothing I really want to watch on television, no games to play, just...nothing. Facebook and Linked In, but that gets old quick.

Maybe I should get a puppy? I wonder if Mark would let me now....
Monday, November 05, 2007

First Day on the Job

My first day of work was okay and pretty eventful. The person who is training me - (I've got think of a name...) Asian Guy? and I were both late into the office. We were going to be there by 9:00a, but traffic was so bad in the metroplex, that he made it there after 9:00, and I was there at 9:45a!! He left about 2:30p to work from home and miss the traffic, so I left at 3:00p to do the same. Was that the wrong thing to do?

A Recruiting Manager flew down from his state just to meet me and take all of the Recruiters out to lunch, which I thought was very thoughtful.

I think my job is VERY client facing, and I didn't realize just how much so until today. I really don't know WHAT it is that I'll be doing, just what people/groups I'll be "supporting". They are all so high level, and I have to work directly with them, many times daily! I have an idea of what I'll be doing, but I'm very excited to see exactly what I'll be doing day in day out.

I started to get my home office organized since it looks like I'll be working a lot from here. Their philosophy was (can you imagine my former boss thinking this way?) how much work I missed doing during the 1:45 minutes it took me to get to work.

It *seems* like a great job for someone with bipolar disorder, but I think right now looks are deceiving. It can't be this easy. It's got to be the CLIENT aspect that's tough. We'll see.

Mark is in Illinois this week, so there's no one at home to share my news with when I get off work. :(
Sunday, November 04, 2007

Stressed to the Hilt




I am INCREDIBLY anxious. I've even broken out in eczema on my leg (which happens under stress on my ankles and scalp under stress), which I have lotion from the dermatologist to treat. I feel like I could throw up, have knots in my stomach, and keep feeling like I have to go to the bathroom. My heart is just beating away....

I've taken 3 1mg klonipin tablets - I'd hate to see what I would be like it without them. I DO start a new job tomorrow, do you think that's it? It's a VERY professional organization, and I've never met anyone face-to-face - they hired me after many phone interviews. What if, physically, I don't fit in? I need to, since I'll be representing this group to "internal clients". I have anxiety about what to wear, how I'll act (will I come across as too nice like I always do?), will they be disappointed once they meet me because I don't match the way my voice sounds (it sounds like I'm about 24, or at least, very young, when I'm 39). The laptops are "backed up", so a Manager is actually flying from another state to give me a "loaner laptop" and to meet me personally, as well as meet with the other Recruiters in Texas, which I thought was *quite* nice. Everything has been very positive so far, but I don't remember feeling this nervous about my wedding, although I know I was. Stressors caused me to get physically sick, I believe.

I don't know *why*, when I'm overwhelmingly stressed, my body seems to take it out on itself physically. Does anyone else's do that?

I'm meeting with my new in-laws (I've known them for 10 years) for dinner tonight, probably to talk about the reception they want to throw us for our wedding. We're going to a Mexican restaurant - yuck. That's the last thing I want with the way I feel right now, but it will be interesting to see if/how they act towards me now that I'm an "official" member of the family, which Mark says is a "big deal".

I WISH I could take more Klonipin, but I can't. I don't want to run out AGAIN before the 30 days to refill is up. This has been a VERY STRESSFUL time for me, and now the eczema has decided to crawl all the way up my ankles and calves....
Saturday, November 03, 2007

Today's Events

What a busy day! It's a Saturday, but for once, I pretty much spent it alone this afternoon, without Mark.



I got a pedi- and manicure, went shopping at the mall, and got my car washed.



When I got home, Mark was very bored, so we went to see the movie Michael Clayton. It was REALLY GOOD. One of the characters disturbed me, though. He was, as they called him, "manic depressive". He was a VERY successful attorney, but was, as they termed him, "manic depressive" and had stopped taking his medication, and of course was acting erractically. I've NEVER acted the way he did or read in any bipolar blogs of people that have. Some things really were dead on, though, like when he bought about 20 loaves of french bread. I HIGHLY recommend this movie, but not simply for that reason. It's just a darned good movie.



I'm overwhelmed on Facebook (and Maggs - we're no longer friends?). These are REAL people that I know, and they are inundating me with messages and actions. I can't keep up and I don't want to BE that social. Yes, I AM a very social person, an extrovert, but I HATE HATE HATE feeling obligated. I thought it would be a good tool for recruiting, as one person told me from LinkedIn that people are moving into droves onto Facebook, but this is ridiculous. My REAL friends on are Facebook.



I forgot to say - I ALMOST got kicked out of the Barry Manilow concert! I was taking picture after picture with a flash, and this HUGE bouncer came and stopped at my row, and stared at me with what Mark calls the "stinky eye". I mean, he REALLY gave me the "look" for at least 10 minutes. Can you imagine my getting kicked out of Manilow? HAHA! Here's one of the pics I took:






As you can see, we had pretty good seats - 10th row! Doesn't Barry look good for his age? (Would you guess 65? I have no clue.)

When I went shopping today, I spent ALL of my "KansasSunflower money" and maxed out my credit cards (they only have $500 and $300 limits, and were already charged up some). I needed a good purse (I got a Dooney for $188!) and black heels, and bought a few sweaters for the cold weather coming up that will match my black and brown pants, and a few pieces of jewelry (not real, or course). I start a new job MONDAY is the reason I needed to shop.

Mark and I got into an argument because he was listening to the radio and found out K. Fed's "clothing allowance" from Britney was $2000/month. Well, my "KansasSunflower fund" is $900 month, but that includes EVERYTHING, like my hair, not just clothes. He started to suggest it was my bipolar issue and I spent too much money, and it PISSED ME OFF ROYALLY. We've had it this way for over a year now, and it was HIS idea! His car payment is over $500/month more than mine, and he's complaining to ME?

I guess I'm spoiled, but....so is he, and he needs to get that through his thick head.

I just melt over Barry....:-)

Friday, November 02, 2007

Staying In

I can't seem to make myself get out of the house since yesterday. I have a lot to do, like:

1. Take leftover candy to my last place of employment so I'll stop eating it.
2. Pick up Phentermine that arrived at my last place of employment.
3. Get my acrylic nails "filled".
4. Go clothes shopping and find a few outfits for my new job.

See, there are no BAD things to do - they are all GOOD things, right? But I feel so FAT, and I can't see to make myself shower. Or stop eating chocolate. Last time I weighed, it was 136.5 - I don't even want to consider how much weight I've gained, but enough where I want to buy a few outfits that I know fit properly for my new job.

I can't even make myself SHOWER! Part of the reason is that I know I can't fit into my size 6 jeans - my size 8 baggy are pretty snug, but I can wear my grey sweatpants that are more dressy than plain sweatpants without a problem, of course.

Also, part of the problem is how FAT I looked in my wedding photos. I created a "wedding photo book" online with digital photos, and cropped my fat out of the pictures before uploading them. When I was done, the dang thing was $80!! I informed Mark of the price, and he was shocked, but I covered it with saying it was "just another wedding expense". Now seriously, what is he going to say to his new bride about that?

My old coworkers are starting to call me and ask me if I knew of a job for them - they can't STAND my former boss (I TOLD you he was bad in my previous posts - for the past year!) and they want OUT. I got another call just NOW. I keep giving out the same names - what else am I supposed to do? I guess I'll go through all of the emails I've gotten and forward them to their personal email addresses. The coworker that called me just now doesn't even report to my former boss, but to someone else! It's just the fact that she has to WORK with him. Yes, he's really that bad. He's the president and owner of the company and all of the offices - what are you going to do?

I don't know if I mentioned this or not already, but for a wedding gift, Mark's parents want to throw us a full-blown reception! They suggested it be at the place where we had our first date, which is a nice place, if they have a room big enough for it. They said we can invite anyone we want, etc. My friends will probably really like that. Does that mean they are supposed to bring presents? Should I register? I don't know how these things work.

At my new place of employment, there's a "backlog" on getting a laptop, so I'll have to wait about a week, my new Manager told me today. Luckily, another Recruiting Manager is coming to town from VA to TX on Monday to meet with all of the Recruiters, and is bringing me a loaner laptop, so I won't have to work from home. She said she is in the process of getting me my own office (yay!), told me who to ask for on my first day, and to come in at 9:00a. I'm glad I'll have my own office because, as I said before, it would be horrible to negotiate salaries with possible coworkers of theirs' sitting beside me in cubicles that would hear what I'm saying. Or, for example, a C# Developer knowing what a Java Developer makes. What a nightmare. Of course, I STILL have no clue what it is that I'm going to be recruiting.

Mark has been really sweet to me since we got married. Nothing has really changed, it's just a different mindset. He may call me more often from work, but that could be that he knows I'm at home alone and may be lonely. I am!

Guess I'll throw my sweatpants in the washer and then get ready to go "out" into the world....
Thursday, November 01, 2007

Oh Yeah, the Wedding Part.


I realized, when I was putting together wedding pictures for a photo album, that I didn't describe our wedding on my blog for my own future reference. Yes, I talked about being sick, etc., but not the actual act or ceremony.

Our ceremony was scheduled for 5:30p Friday, October 26th. Mark and I were ready when the limo driver called at 4:35 and asked us to meet him where the limos parked at the Venetian in Vegas. I "horrifically" walked through the hotel and casino in my wedding dress, we stood there for a few minutes waiting on the limo, and then alas, we were off.

When we first arrived in Vegas, I saw a few chapels on the strip, and got scared. I'd never seen our chapel with my own eyes, and knew it could have been ANY of them. I actually saw a chapel that was a drive-thru, just like you hear about on the radio/television! I wondered....what would Mark think if one of these places was what I had reserved for us?

We walked around the Venetian a LOT for those two days - and they have quite a few stores I normally shop at, but it was no time to be clothes buying. Besides, neither of us had room in our suitcases. I did buy a bracelet that's in our wedding pictures.

Anyways, we rounded the corner, and Mark saw the chapel before I did, and almost squealed he was so happy and said it was really cute or nice, or something to that effect. I didn't think it was "ALL THAT" that he was making it out to be, but it could have been worse. I made that EXACT comment to him a few days later, and it hurt his feelings. He said "saying 'it could have been worse' means something was wrong with it to begin with?". I'm telling you, he is SO SENSITIVE about this whole thing.

My bouquet was BEAUTIFUL - I had "upgraded" it quite a bit from the normal package, but unfortunately, I had no way to take it home, and had to leave it in my hotel room. Mark was smiling from ear to ear the whole time, and when I look back in the pictures now, he is SO HAPPY. The minister asked how we met, and we told him we worked at the Big-5 together. During the service, he made a mistake and said we met at a convention in Dallas. My eyes must have gotten bigger than a silver dollar when he said that. Mark said the minister caught himself and tried to correct it, but I don't remember that part.

It's all on DVD, but I look too fat from the back to let myself watch it!!!!

Mark was SO ADORABLE when we had to look at each other. He must have sensed that I was emotional (not cry-emotional) and still not feeling 100%, because he kept smiling and winking at me. He honest-to-God looked genuinely happy. I can't even explain in words how much it means to me that he was that happy marrying ME. And after we waited 10 years?

He said since we waited so long, our friends and family are going to count out to 9 months on their calendars and put a big X, waiting to see if we got married because I am pregnant. No, but I do need health insurance. That's beside the point. I wanted to marry Mark - that was just the catalyst to shake me and make myself plan the wedding, like he'd always wanted me to do.

The couple that got married in the same chapel before us...I didn't really "get" them, and Mark, seeing how he views marriage as so sacred, was a little offended, I think. The guy was wearing a t-shirt, with writing on it even, I think, and shorts, and the girl was wearing a white shirt with spaghetti straps and a white cotton knee length skirt. They were both wearing thongs on their feet which is what *I* pointed out to Mark. They were pretty young - 20, maybe? But...who am I to judge. I'm sure to many that getting married in Vegas is cheesy all on its' own. Don't say that to Mark, though, because it will seriously hurt his feelings.

The photographer was awesome - so nice, and quick! Which was good, since I wasn't feeling well! There was another minister there for the wedding of the thong-couple that we spoke to briefly who appalled me. He was an actual "name-dropper"! He started telling us about rich couples he had married (what they did, where they lived - I mean, ACTUALLY lived, like on the lake in New York as attorneys - see what I mean? but still in the same chapel), all about how he had spoken across the country since he was 10, just on and on about himself, and didn't ask anything about us. Mark is always really polite to people like that. I tune them out and say "uh-huh" at appropriate times when I'm not even looking at them. For whatever reason, some people they feel like they have to build themselves up to others, and...more power to them, but it's annoying. He can stick his nose in the air all he wants, but at the end of the day, I've got his 411.

I remember Mark and I had to sign an agreement letting our wedding be broadcast over the internet. We *had* to do that because practically my entire family was planning on watching, and I found out when I checked my email, they had! Some of Mark's family did, ,too. Nice. They saw my back fat. My family all really likes Mark (as much as they can with as little as they've been around him) so they were pretty excited.

One of my best friends that I hadn't spoken to for YEARS just because of the distance called me on my wedding day on my cell, but I didn't answer it because I didn't know who it was. She left the SWEETEST message and made my whole day. I listened to it when I was waiting to get my hair done at the salon, and could have cried. She really "pulled me up by my bootstraps" when I needed it the most - again, and again, and again.

So being married is settling in on me - I'm getting used to it now. Mark teases me about things and says "Oh, so THAT'S the kind of wife you're going to be?", and we just laugh. I'm not super-wife, that's for sure. I don't cook, or clean, or....heck, I honestly have no idea why he keeps me around. Except...I did make spaghetti last night, and got VERY excited about the trick-or-treaters that came to our door. That was fun.

Maybe he just wants some fun in his life? (scratching head) I have absolutely no clue.

I'm having serious anxiety today. I have a lot to do, but I can't make myself do it. So...I took some Zonegran, Seroquel, Geoden and Klonipin. Hopefully I'll be out like a light, soon. If not, I'll eat us out of house and home.

No BP Symptoms?

We had many trick-or-treaters last night, but not enough for the mountain of candy I bought! We went through almost a whole bowl, but I had enough to fill the bowl back up 2 more times!

I did all my new little wife girlie name change things yesterday. I'm officially Mrs. Mark now. I went to the Social Security office, to the bank and had my name changed on the checks and on my credit/debit cards, called credit card companies, I've had my driver's license name changed, etc. The only major thing left that I can think of is my passport, but that's all I have left of good identification with my picture on it right now. Of course there are things like a gym membership, etc., but I think I'll just skip those.

In Vegas, I had made the reservations, so it was under MY last name, meaning....my ex-husbands last name. Everywhere we went, hotel employees would call Mark Mr. ExHusband'sLastName. It drove him INSANE. That's another reason I've been so prompt. Well, that and I have this week off before I start my new job.

Mark's parents, for a wedding gift, want to throw us a RECEPTION! A REAL reception, where we invite all of our friends, have an open bar, etc. Gosh, I don't even know that I have any friends to invite that would come! Poor Mark, he doesn't have ANYONE he would call a "friend", he said. He said without me, he would be a "loner". Isn't that how it works sometimes when you've been with someone for such a long time? I'm not saying it's HEALTHY, but your Sig. Other becomes your best friend, confidante, partner, etc. I *do* have good friends, but we don't hang out or anything. I'm pretty excited! :-)

My abusive ex-b emailed me yesterday, and this time, stupid me, I *did* email him back, letting him know I'm MARRIED now. I was awful - I mean, *I* would have hated me. I bragged about this, I bragged about that, just anything to get rid of him (and to put myself ABOVE him). He was totally unfazed. The only way to get rid of him, I see now, and I saw before, is to not respond when he contacts me. It's so hard, though - he always says something that draws me in, which is his natural predator way. I left it with him having the last word, and me not giving him the time of day.

Other than that, I'm pretty excited to start my new job, but I keep eating candy and things like that, and I'm gaining weight like a big fat pig! I have no idea what will fit in my closet and what won't. I need to go clothes shopping before Monday and make sure I have clothes that fit, at least for a week. Beyond that, I don't even know what they wear!

I'm trying, even though this is my week off, to get up at 5:00a every morning so it's not so hard next week. I'm even up before Mark. It hasn't been too hard so far.

I am REALLY trying to become a networking powerhouse - importing as many LinkedIn contacts as I can into FaceBook. I wonder if it's really worth all the time I'm spending. Time will tell.

No Bipolar Symptoms for now that I can tell - if I have them, I have too much going on that I wouldn't be able to notice. Or would I? When you can't get the words out of your mouth fast enough as your brain is thinking them, I guess it IS pretty obvious, isn't it?

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Fred Flintstone
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