Is it the Abilify?

I feel so sick, but not like I'm "sick" sick. For example, I I feel really dizzy and have a headache. On top of that, I slept in until 10:30a this morning! I NEVER do that! The latest I ever sleep in is 8:30. Plus, I know how important sleep/wake patterns are for bipolars, and I'm very careful about that. Anything at all that could be a "trigger", I *try* to stay away from if possible, if I'm conscious of it and think ahead.

However, usually Mark will go to bed with me around...say...9:30 - 10:00. Since I've been playing my new game, World or Warcraft, I lose track of time, and all of a sudden, it's midnight, and I gripe at him, saying "Why didn't you TELL me what TIME it was???". So stupid, as if it's his fault I stayed up so late. So I get up to go to bed, and of course, he follows.

But, in addition, I've been out of the 10mg of Abilify, and have 15mg. I've been cutting those in approximately half (who can do it exactly?) and taking that instead in the the mornings. No, it's not because I don't have insurance, it's because I'm just lazy. I'm going to call in a refill today.

Could the Abilify be making me feel sick?

I can't even play my game I feel so sick! But again, not like I'm "sick". It wouldn't take much to throw up, though.

While I've been working from home, I've hardly done any work. I just played that stupid game instead, telling myself people were hardly working or were out of the office this week anyway. I plan on staying home until Wednesday, though. Why go in Monday, New Year's Eve, when truthfully, most people really will have taken the day off? I feel guilty calling people about jobs during the holidays - like I'm bothering them, unless they have posted their resumes on a job board. I DO have to respond to work emails, of course.

I don't think I can be very productive working from home, this week has taught me. OR, I'm isolating myself?

Part of it might be because I've gained weight and really don't want to be seen in public. Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think I'm hideous. It's like....I always feel extreme one way or the other about it. Either I feel like I look FABULOUS and people love me, or I feel like I'm hideous and should hide myself, away from "public viewing". Right now, I don't feel suitable for "public viewing". My hair needs highlighting and cut and gosh darnit, I need to take off those pounds! It's like, I got married October 26th, started a new job on November 3rd, and then packed on the pounds! I guess they could be holiday pounds?

I know I've said this a million times, but my counselor, the one who wouldn't "accept" me because she said I had to many "chemical issues", said it was very common for bipolars to think in extremes like that, and that it had to be learned that being "okay" (just okay) was....okay. But, like I said, without saying so much, she made it pretty clear that she thought my issues were chemical and not something she could help me with in therapy.

I tried to fit into my clothes to go to dinner with Mark last night, and I put on about 5 different outfits and was horrified that none of them fit. Sure, I could get them on and zipped, but you could see my "muffin top" through my shirt, or at least I could because I knew it was there.

I have drastically changed how much and what I eat. The dizziness and "sickness" feeling has helped in that area.

My eye is twitching a lot lately too. Doesn't that mean stress or anxiety?

I'm falling apart.

FAT - For Real

I've been working from home all this week, and it's been difficult to get anything done. Actually, there isn't much TO get done, as a lot of people are out of the office, and I have someone working on the technology that I have the most openings for me. I feel REALLY guilty about it, but I guess it's the week between Christmas and New Year's, and pretty typical? The Wednesday after Christmas, I went into the office bright and early, and was out of there by 10:30a.

So what have I been doing? Alternating being working and playing World of Warcraft. When I bought the game, I bought this huge strategy guide with it that has maps, etc., along with it, and I'm totally addicted. People online are SO nice.

Except - I get motion sick, and the game makes me nauseous. VERY much so. It actually puts me in bed for hours. I've thought about taking Dramamine to play, but I always think of it AFTER I get sick, by then, it's too late to take anything. I'm hoping I just get used to it.

I weighed myself this morning, and was shocked beyond belief. I'm up to 145. 145!!! I did so well on my new "diet" today, and if anything got me motivated to lose weight, that certainly did. I have gained SO MUCH WEIGHT since starting my new job, or has it been since increasing my Abilify? I have no idea! I also increased my Seroquel, but altogether, I think I've gained 15-20 pounds since around June-August. No, I cannot wear most of my clothes.

I feel SO insecure around Mark now. He gets up and runs every morning, and has gone from 210 to 167, but has done so with a LOT of work. All the while, I've been GAINING weight. He probably finds me unattractive now, and I think he looks really good since he's been exercising, not that he didn't before he started. What if he finds someone else, especially while he's in Illinios?

Like I said, I'm extremely insecure right now about my appearance. I need to get my hair highlighted/cut, I guess buy some new clothes that fit until I lose weight, and some casual winter shoes to wear with jeans (I only have dress shoes or sandals). I know this sounds incredibly shallow, but outward appearances are very important to Mark, too. He still tells me how attractive I am (if I ask), but he said that when I weighed 20-25 pounds more than I do NOW, and I don't think he actually did.

I have a lot of anxiety right now, but I don't know if it's from work, from gaining weight, from too much coffee, from phentermine, or what? I might stop taking klonipin when I feel anxious because when I feel that way, I won't eat.

Drywall - Sonic or McDonald's? Office Space

Mark and I got into the silliest argument on the way to his parent's house, and I just KNEW he was wrong! In Office Space, when Lawrence (the guy with the long hair who lives next door) says he has to get up early in the morning to drywall - where does he say he has to drywall? A new Sonic, or a new McDonald's? Well, I could have SWORN he said Sonic, and Mark said it was McDonald's. I swore up and down he said Sonic, trying to get him to bet me, but he wouldn't. When we got home, one of the first things he did was fast forward to that part in the movie, and what did he say? ....McDonald's. I was in shock. It was like I was hearing voices!!!! What Lawrence ACTUALLY says is below. Along with "I'm going to NEED you to come in tomorrow, so if you could be in around 9, that would be GREAAAAAAT, mmmmmmmkay?"

Mark and I got into a huge fight yesterday, and I still don't know what it was about. Respecting or caring about his feelings is all I know - and I wasn't doing it, but I had just woken up and gotten out of bed, came down and sat on the couch, and that was about it. He actually took the little desk/tray I had given him for his birthday years ago and slammed it into the ground, breaking pieces of it off. The rest of the day was tense.

I made Christmas dinner yesterday - turkey, potatoes, stuffing, green beans, rolls, gravy...I guess that's about it. Then, per tradition, Mark cleans the kitchen, but there was hardly anything to clean, so he was happy.

About all I do now - all I want to do, is play World of WarCraft. I bought myself the game for "Christmas", along with this 100-page guide written in teeny tiny letters, and have become obsessed! I just joined a "guild" last night, where the leader used to be on a MUDD like I was many years ago. (A Role Playing Game, *RPG*, before graphics was invented, so it was text only). They only allow those over 20 into their guild, so that's a relief.

But, for me, ANY chance I get to escape reality is a good thing, and I don't know why that is. If I'm not playing the Sims (another RPG, basically), I'm doing something else. And I know if I'm not careful, WoW will consume my life, just like MuDD did way back when with catastrophic results. I pride myself on not being addicted to anything (although I don't count psychiatric drugs and their physical dependencies), yet I know I do with RPG's, and I can get SO hooked, yet I let myself.

I REALLY don't want to go back to work, and I REALLY don't want to go back into the office. Today will be the first day I'll be sharing an office with Chatty Girl, and I don't have my headset yet. I ordered it online - 2 day delivery, but I just ordered it yesterday (Christmas Day). She supposedly has one already, so if I just use the handset, we should be good to go, right?

I have no idea if I'll be able to get any work done.

Guess I'd better start getting ready for work - with Chatty Girl in the same office as me - hell on earth.

Best of Office Space II (including Drywall Scene):

Never Again!

Just as expected, going over to Mark's parents for New Year's Eve was a NIGHTMARE. Just us sitting there watching kids open presents, bored to tears. For about 2 hours, at least. We had a great meal beforehand, but it was just out of control. We have no kids, and I bought these stupid gift cards (one less present for them to open, thank God) for them. We couldn't leave because our car was blocked in by other people's cars.

Mark had been feeling frustrated that he was giving and giving, and not getting anything back (from me). He DOES do a lot around the house, and I hardly do anything. So I told him the ONLY REASON I was going was because he did so many loving things, and this was my way of giving back. But my Lord, I don't know that I'll ever want to go back.

What's worse? His mother is planning a stupid, frickin' reception for us - Jan 13th or something like that. I'm supposed to invite my friends, which I haven't. His mother invited ALL OF THE CHILDREN to a wedding reception!!! I just want to die. I don't want to go. I keep putting it off in my mind, like it doesn't exist. Can I just say I don't want one? I am working too much or something?

I ordered a $300 headset for work today, so that will be my Christmas present, besides the big screen television we're buying. Mark bought a $650 suitcase, so that's his Christmas present. Ha! We're calling our recent large purchases "Christmas presents". I will NEVER "skip Christmas" the way I did this year.

My Dad sent me an email saying he hoped I had a good Christmas, etc. etc., he couldn't send me a gift, and so forth, etc. It was nice he sent something at all. I need to respond. I didn't send him anything - not even a card. I'm TELLING you - I didn't do ANYTHING for ANYONE. I totally skipped Christmas this year!

My Grandma, living on Social Security, taped a $20 bill inside a Christmas card, and Mark told me to send it back to her. How can I do that? That would hurt her feelings. I said maybe, instead, I would buy her something with it and send it to her. He said she can't afford to send me $20. Of course I don't need the money, but it's the thought that counts, and it's a HUGE thought coming from her. She's a doll.

I'm making turkey, dressing, potatoes, green beans, rolls and gravy for Christmas lunch/dinner tomorrow, so I need to get to bed, but I'm not even tired. I keep playing World of Warcraft, and keep dying!

Is it a bipolar symptom that I skipped out on Christmas this year? What happened to my Christmas spirit? Where did it go?

Man I don't want a wedding reception from his family with the KIDS invited.....just send me to hell already.....

Nothing against kids!! But you don't UNDERSTAND! They are so high maintenance, you can't have a conversation, it's just impossible, I'd rather not drive for an hour for something so....hell, inconsiderate. They are completely inconsiderate of our feelings.

I'm NOT going back to his parent's house. He can scream all he wants, but I'm just not.

Grinch for Christmas

Merry Christmas Eve!

Ha - as if I'm in the "Christmas spirit" : ) I was actually crying last night because, as I told Mark, it seemed as though we had "skipped" Christmas. I felt so empty and like I had missed out on something - everything.

We decided to buy a big screen television for the living room as "our Christmas present" this year. We haven't bought it yet.

There are no wrapped presents, no Christmas tree, I didn't decorate the house or the stairs, and we didn't even get each other a Christmas card!

We literally "skipped Christmas" this year, and I was crying about it last night. I felt so empty and like I had really screwed up and it was too late to go back and fix it.

We went to dinner last night at about 6 or 7, and I wanted to go to an electronics store. He said it was Sunday, and they would be closed. I said "on the Sunday before Christmas? Are you crazy? They'll be open until midnight!". He didn't believe me, and drove by "just to prove I was wrong". Well guess who was proven they were wrong? Yep, he was, of course.

We selected the television we wanted, but decided to wait until after Christmas to buy it, hoping there would be a sale. I bought (and don't laugh) World of Warcraft because I am SO BORED, and used to be HOOKED to an RPG when only text was available. I actually MET people through that game in my area. Man, that was probably 13-14 years ago? I get the concept, it's just that WATCHING things die on my screen instead of imagining it in my mind is quite a different thing. People sure ask, in general, for others to join their "guilds" all the time.

I HAVE to go to Mark's parent's house today. He guilted me into it. I HATE going over there. They're all nice enough, but annoy me to NO END. It used to be that I could CHOOSE if I wanted to go or not, and Mark said he wouldn't push me to go. But now that we're married, he said it's all changed, I'm "part of the family", and they will expect me to be there. After living together for 9 years, suddenly the dynamics have changed? Why should that be just because we got married? MAN I hate going over there. They have a pretty house, they all talk to me and are nice, but it's all the kids (babies), and just little comments here and there, it really annoys me. And it's a fricking road trip to get there, even though they live in the metroplex.

And the KIDS (again). His family decided Christmas is for kids. Again, we have no kids, so there is no reciprocation of gifts. I took everyone's advice and bought the 5 children $50 gift certificates to Macy's each. That should be okay, right? I don't know if they have toys there or not, but at least their parents can buy them an outfit or pair of shoes - whatever.

Mark is STILL not happy or "sold" on my idea to get the gift certificates. Yet *I* was in charge of their Christmas gifts. See why I'm grinchy?

Why God, oh why do I have to go to his family's? I'm in SUCH a bad mood over it.

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch - Enjoy!

The Resume

Mark was changing the "look and feel" of the Tivo options on television, and I told him to put them back the way they were, because I knew how to navigate my way through them the old way. We just GOT a new system about a month ago, and now that I've figured it out (kind of), he wants to change it? Do you know what he ACTUALLY SAID TO ME???

"You're acting like you're 40...50 years old" because I didn't want it be changed.

He started OUT with "40 years old", and said it like it was a bad thing. I will be 40 in 8 months! He recognized his mistake quickly and changed it to 50, but it was too late. And even that offended me. How old is he? 31 - will be 32 in May. Just being with him makes me feel old. I wouldn't go out with him for the longest time because I told him he was JUST TOO YOUNG. He wouldn't listen, though, and kept flirting and asking me out until I said okay, I'll go out with you AS FRIENDS for your BIRTHDAY. And that's how the whole thing started. I never intended to be with someone so young. It just happened. The sad thing? He's more mature than I am, and we both know it. He takes care of me physically, but I'd like to think I take care of him emotionally.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine sent her husband's resume to me because he was terminated from his job in Iraq. Of course, he was making an inflated amount of money because of where he was working, but now he expects the same salary.

The resume she sent me SUCKS. There are misspelled words, the formatting is different in areas, the sentences don't even make sense, and his skills are.....simple. She complained that he was only getting calls/emails regarding short term contracts, and he didn't want that. Since I recruit for mainly the DC area, I asked (knowing I didn't have a job for him) if he would consider relocating to DC. She said he said if they would pay him $180k/annually! In my opinion, he'd be lucky to get $40k perm - maybe $25/hr contract!

I started to "fix" his resume, and Mark told me to stop. We have a conflict of interests here - I'm a Recruiter, he's a Hiring Manager. He said it's "window dressing", and he would want to know what he's getting. I think...why not get his foot in the door somewhere, not that his skills would get his foot very far. But...he's gotten a job before, he'll get one again. He just won't make $68k like he did in Iraq, when he made $35k before that. But should I be the one to tell them to be realistic in case he does get a smaller offer? Perhaps not - what if he really does get an offer around what he wants because he's a US Citizen with gov't experience?

They're being very snobby about the whole thing, when they should be more gracious and hopeful he'll find something. They live in Nowhere, KS, but are willing to relo. I told them that they will NOT find a place with a cheaper cost of living, so they expect to be compensated for that.

I'm hoping the longer he goes without a job, the more they recognize reality. But...I'm hoping he doesn't go long without a job period. It's's frustrating when people have unrealistic expectations. I go through this EVERY DAY - people not knowing the market and thinking they're worth more than they are. People I could actually PLACE in JOBS, but in the beginning, they're so stubborn, thinking they can "hold out". Maybe eventually a company comes along who needs a very specific skill that they just happen to have and are willing to pay what they want? I have no idea what happens, but I do follow up sometimes just to see. They end up taking jobs, but of course, I can't ask "What are you being paid?". I just say "If you'd ever consider a career with 'Company Name', I'll send my contact information to you again, and please give me a call! And if you know any.....". People eat that up - everyone likes to have an option.

Other than that, I'm miserable today. I'm "hormonal", and it's affecting me physically. I just feel yucky and achy. I need to go buy a new tire after my flat tire disaster yesterday, but I just can't do it. Mark said my spare tire was "directional" and it was being ruined because it was on the wrong side. I've never heard of such a tire?

Guess I'll go take some Midol...

Flat Tire. :/

I was working from home today, and during "work hours", I jumped in my car to head to the pharmacy to pick up my klonipin. What do you think happened a few MILES from home?

I had a FLAT TIRE on the hightway! One of those where your car is shaking, you hear a kaboom, and you think you're driving on your wheel. It sounds more dramatic than it was, but that's what happened. I had to wait until I found an exit because there was no room on the side of the road, and then find a place to pull over once I was off the highway.

Maybe some people don't think that's much of a big deal, but I have NO clue how to change a tire. LUCKILY I brought my cell phone, LUCKILY Mark isn't in Illinois this week, and LUCKILY he answered. He said he would come and change my tire. Had he not been in town? I guess I would have called road-side service?

So there I was, trying to go to the stupid pharmacy for 2 hours, while I'm supposed to be, at the very least, "manning my email box".

On top of THAT, I had to run to the doctor's office and pick up an Adderall prescription by 4:30p, so that was another hour and a half of the work day I missed. Just not good! The office is 27 miles from where I live!

Yes, I missed responding on some important emails, but that just couldn't be helped.

NOW I have to go and buy a tire! What a pain.

And I STILL have to get Mark something for Christmas. But what?

Josh Groban

Have you heard Josh Groban's "I'll Be Home For Christmas" recording yet? Wow. He comes out of nowhere with these incredible songs that blow me away.

If you don't know who Josh Groban is, you actually probably do if you watch American Idol. Many of the boys/men try to sing one of my all-time fave songs of his "You Raise Me Up" in their auditions (and many do a decent job), but they're just not Josh.

So I saw Barry Manilow this year - fab concert. (yes, I know, more than a little dorky). In one hand, Barry Manilow. In the other, the chance to see Josh Groban sing "You Raise Me Up". Which would I choose?

Why, Josh Groban! I've already seen Barry Manilow! (haha, trick question!) ;)

Here's a GREAT recording of "You Raise Me Up":

ZERO Christmas

I've done ZERO Christmas shopping, ZERO Christmas decorating, ZERO anything Christmas. I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. I'm not down or depressed about it, I just feel nothing, no excitement whatsoever, and no motivation to do anything about it. I should at least buy Mark something to open at Christmas, but what? He just bought himself a $650 suitcase, and we're planning on buying a new plasma television for Christmas. I need to buy my husband SOMETHING on our first Christmas since we've been married, but what? Something cheesy like "our first Christmas", when we've lived together for 9 years, and been together for 10?

Now I feel REALLY bad about my previous post. I stayed home from work today to give Chatty Girl some privacy on our first day of sharing an office, and she sent me the sweetest emails.

She brought us some Clorox wipes to clean our desks, brought desk mats for BOTH of us, and said she missed me today. AND she's already bought a headset. She also apologized to me if she made me feel bad, and said that she was excited about us sharing an office, as well as being glad we had each other, and glad that we started together on the same day. I'm a horrible person, aren't I?

I've been taking my Seroquel along with cold medicine WAY early in the evenings because I've been DEAD tired, and then eating the whole house. I ate so much last night that I woke up with a stomach-ache! I took 3 Tums immediately. Then I thought what the heck, because I ate so poorly and so much last night (even a spoonful of powdered sugar! Seroquel really messes me up!), and ordered a chicken biscuit for breakfast. So not healthy or low cal/low fat! When I hit 140, I'm going to be SO depressed, and it's right around the corner, if I'm not already there....

I'm really bored staying home today! There's not much going on at work today - I've called tons of people about jobs, and I just don't know that there's anyone left for me to call. That was a stupid statement, of COURSE there is, I just need to use a different method, but I'm not motivated right now.

How motivated am I? I'm doing LAUNDRY instead of working - well, off and on. I have to check my email and make calls here and there. That's pretty bad when I'm doing laundry instead of working.

I'm praying that the cleaning company doesn't come TODAY and is supposed to come next Thursday, because I don't want to get caught in this messy house in my sweats without a shower!

I don't know if I have any Bipolar symptoms or not. I've been so tired, but I've also been sick for over 2 weeks, and have worked so much harder than I should have. I'm definitely not buying anything, not angry or grouchy, just....


Sharing Offices

I met my Manager face to face today, and she's really nice. She said a lot of good things to me about my performance, which made me feel great. Sometimes when people say good things to me about myself, I much of it is really true? But I suppose when it comes to work, or at least in my work environment, they wouldn't pass out the compliments unless they were true. She actually called me a "great recruiter" in a sentence among other nice things, but that was the one that made me feel the best. : )

NOW Chatty Girl has decided to complain that we have to share an office. Hello? Have we not known this for several days now? Why is she panicking all of a sudden? She said that she interviews people with the door shut and on speakerphone because of her neck - she has bulging discs, she says. So, obviously she can't lean over with the phone on her ear and type or write while talking/listening. I've actually been wondering why my neck has been so sore lately - NOW I KNOW!

Anyways, she keeps talking about getting a headset. SO GO GET ONE, ALREADY, and shut the hell up! She said she only has half of one. Like I care? Go buy a whole one since it means SO GOSH DARNED MUCH TO YOU! The world is ending - do what you have to do.

I decided I was going to go and buy a cordless headset. That should rock! I hate headsets that mess up your hair and have a cord attaching you to the phone when you're not on it. Yes, they're expensive, but I still want one anyway.

So about going to the computer store together...yeah. I'll write down the model # of my phone, and go buy the cordless headset. Would it be bluetooth? Heck, I don't know. She's always talking like she and her husband have SO much money...well, she shouldn't say a single WORD when I spend that money for the headset. If she complains, I'll just say "shut the hell up" and buy her one too! haha - I would never say "shut the hell up" to her....yet. I haven't been stuck in an office with her for 6 months yet.

She's already talking NOW about working from home some of the time because we'll be sharing an office. Can you tell she's been WHINING??? The only good thing she really said least we like each other. haha....yeah, sure we do. (wink) I actually don't like her, but Mark says of course I don't - there's always SOMEONE in the office that I have to dislike and drives me nuts.

Once again, tonight, I am TIRED, and BORED, and really feel like my cold is getting WORSE. I keep sneezing.

Should I take my meds early and go to bed at 7:00p, way early again? Do you know that even though I went to bed at 6:30p last night, I couldn't drag my butt out of bed until 7:15 this morning, when I normally get up at 5:00a?

I think I will. Take my meds early, along with Nyquil (my cold is getting out of control), and just go to bed.

What a life. NOT.


I feel overwhelmed and so, so tired. I haven't been falling asleep normally at night, and today, even though it's only 6:00p, I'm thinking of going to bed and not EVEN getting out my laptop to work. I normally get home from work and work well into the night obsessively, but I'm just too tired.

I took my meds last night and went to bed, and at 11:00p was still wide awake. I got back up and took 1/2 Seroquel and 2 Nyquil (I have a cold), and around 12:30 went back to bed, exhausted. That didn't help when my alarm went off at 5:00a. It was all I could do to get up and "get around" to go to work.

I'm so confused at work. I don't know what these Managers WANT. They interview my people enough, but I just can't get anyone past them. I find it hard to believe that I would send THIS many people to them that they would interview, and they haven't hired a single one? Yet, I've just been there over a month, and the hiring process is slow. And, agreed, it IS the holidays. But I DO know of the people they've rejected. I need to stop recruiting for this one particular kind of technology and take a break!

Mark is in Illinois, and I really miss him this week. I could use his "familiarity" around the house. Just knowing he's here is soothing. I'd love to just be able to go to bed and "hold him", like I always say to him. That's how we lay to fall asleep - "spooning", with me holding him.

I got my nails done and my eyebrows waxed, and was going to get my hair highlighted and cut this evening, but I was just TOO TIRED. I'm meeting my Senior Manager tomorrow for the first time, and I want to look presentable. She'll just have to cope with my growing-out highlights, I guess.

I'm nervous about meeting her, but...if there's something wrong I'm doing, I'd like to know what it is, and how to fix it.

Things are getting really complicated in my group at work, and I wonder - why didn't they let my "mentor" have this group instead of splitting it up letting us have what we currently have? Maybe his group is much more complicated than I know. It doesn't seem like it, though.

I'm just tired, really tired. Worn out. Exhausted. And my neck hurts. It's only 6:20, but I think I'll go ahead and take my nighttime meds and go to bed.

The Horror!

Oh my gosh. When I read the email, I thought I would DIE. Just DIE.

Our floor in our building is consolidating because it's so empty (the consultants no longer have to work in the office), so the company is going to lease half of our floor. My office and Chatty Girl's office were on the side that is going to be leased, so our offices needed to be moved to the other side.

I worked from home today, so I got the news from her in an email.

SHE and *I* will be SHARING AN OFFICE.

Are you frickin' kidding me? Of all people. I'd MUCH rather share an office with Bipolar Girl from my last job, but perhaps I didn't feel that way about her in the beginning. I wonder how long it will last. I just *had* to call Mark and tell him my dilemma, and even though he hates it when I work from home (don't ask, I don't know why), he said..."well, you can always work from home?" And just what will Chatty Girl think when I stop coming in at all when we're sharing offices? PLUS. I think my own Manager prefers it that I work in the office at least 3 days a week. Three tormenting, nails on chalkboard, get nothing done.

Will there be 2 phones? Simple things like that are running through my mind. I'd rather sit in my own CUBICLE! Why wasn't that given to me as an OPTION? I want my own CUBE! Is it because people can hear me talk about salaries? She can have the office, I really don't care. I just want my own personal space, and to have it be away from HER!

Don't get me wrong, she is SO sweet to me. But she does NOT stop talking. I know, I know, I'm bipolar and I'm the last one that should be complaining when it comes to talking. But I take Adderall in the morning, and once I get to work and a bit of the morning has passed, pretty FOCUSED.

Things at work are getting kind of political and heated. It's too boring and long to go into detail, but it seems like I'm smack in the middle of it because of WHAT I recruit, and my Managing Directors taking over ALL of that Technology in our huge (department? sector? whatever...). People aren't liking giving it up. Maybe they're thinking job security? I have no idea. I'm not in these high level meetings, but now I'm being cc'd because I'm the "Recruiter". I have to be really careful here and tread lightly...or not at all...just do as I'm told and keep my mouth shut.

I think I'm out of Geoden, I'm just too lazy to try and figure out what I did when trying to reorder it over the phone (I pressed the wrong numbers a few times before I pressed the right ones) to make them tell me it wouldn't be ready until I came into the pharmacy and talked to the pharmacist. What the hell?

I guess I'd better take care of it now. I've read somewhere that Geoden withdrawals are a bitch (or as Chatty Girl would say...a beyotch...)

No Shopping!

Mark and I have done NO Christmas shopping yet. Nope. Not one single present. We plan on buying a big screen television (long overdue) for ourselves for Christmas, and the only people I have left that I HAVE to buy presents for are HIS nieces and nephews. It kind of pisses me off because his family decided "Christmas is for kids", we have no kids, so we get stuck buying 5 presents with nothing in return. Now...Christmas is all about giving, but come ON. And it's such a pain with all of those kids over there. I'm so sorry to anyone who has kids! All of these kids are pretty small. Coworker Chatty Girl gave me the idea to just get gift certificates for all of them, which Mark HATES the idea. I told him to buy stuff then, and he doesn't understand why his wife who loves to spend money won't buy Christmas gifts! Because I have no interest!

I've been getting US Mail notes on my door recently to pick up registered letters from a bank that come during the day. Normally, that's cause for alarm, but I recognize the bank name, and it's for my STUPID STUPID TRUST! I swear, I hate that thing, it's brought me nothing but trouble.

Part of "breaking it up" is a life insurance plan for my mother, brother and myself against (against?) my evil stepdad's life. The PROBLEM with that, is that it wants me to name a person to be "in charge" on the policy - I would send them my portion of the money each year to continue the policy, and trust that they would deliver. I don't remember how much it is, but it's like....$3000/year. I'm going to trust one of them, ESPECIALLY my mother?

So I've been refusing to sign it and return it. *I* won't be responsible, because *I* don't trust *them* to get me their portion of the money.

And...the long and short of it is...I don't want ANY contact with them - especially forced - for the rest of my life. Yes, that's harsh, but this is forced communication we're talking about here, and it's a HUGE trigger for me.

I picked up the "recent" letter today, and lo and behold, I got a shock. The Bobbsie twins, my mother and brother, aren't doing the same as each other. My mother filled out and returned the paperwork, but my brother and I haven't. Now, it could be that he just got busy, the mail crossed in the system, etc. BUT - it said if the paperwork wasn't rec'd by the 30th, the life insurance policy would be broken up between the 3 of us, which, since my mother returned the paperwork, might piss her off. I don't care. I don't think it's as big of a deal enough for her to reach out to me. I HOPE. I PRAY. I can't go through an "episode" right now. I'm not worried about it. I honestly think she'll just let this pass.

I think my former employer blocked my email address from his place of employment. My two friends have stopped writing me, but replying to old emails. He's very weird like that, but I have about 5 email addresses, so he can't block them all. The thing I really want to go to all of that trouble? I don't want past friends to stay in the past, but what am I supposed to do? I guess go pick them up for lunch one day? Except...they want to do something on the weekend which is SO inconvenient for me.

My boss is coming to meet me from her city for the first time on Wednesday. They hired me sight unseen, references unchecked, can you believe that? I'm pretty nervous. I need my nails filled, my eyebrows waxed, my hair highlighted and cut, and it's already Saturday night! What if I'm actually doing a horrible job and she's going to tell me that? I'm so paranoid.

I'm still hacking and coughing like crazy, can you believe that? Monday it will be 2 weeks. I hope it's gone before I meet my Sr. Manager on Wednesday....

Getting Better...

Thanks so much for all the well wishes regarding my cold/flu/bronchitis/whatever I have. This morning is the first time I've felt better in almost 2 weeks (on Monday). But it's so typical of me to feel okay in the mornings, and then get sicker as the day wears on. However, I refuse to be pessimistic! I AM getting better!

I worked from home yesterday, SO glad I have that option! I couldn't get going, but it was probably because of the 4 Nyquil tablets I'd taken, and the 300 mg of Seroquel I'd also taken the night before, hoping to get better. The Nyquil didn't even phase me - sleep wise or otherwise! Of course, the Seroquel did! I ate and ate - and now I'm up to 138.5! I can't believe I am SO FAT. I'm amazed that most of my clothes still fit (kind of) when I bought them at 125. I choose the 6's, and never wear the 4's, obviously. I think I'm going to go buy a couple of new outfits in a larger size - 8, I guess. If/when I lose the weight, I'll still be able to wear them....

I'm going in to work today, which means some of my time will be taken up by Chatty Girl. She drives me insane! I know all about her, yet she barely knows anything about me because all she does is talk about herself, and doesn't even stop to breathe for me to add to the conversation except acknowledge what she said. And she's SO snobby. Yet she's the only girl in the office that I know, and I really have no choice but to be friends with her. Her office is two doors down from mine, so it's not like I can ignore her. What do I do? I'm GLAD she's there, though, because we both started on the same day, so we help each other with questions we have about the HR systems, etc. And I can ask her questions about being an HR Recruiter because, of course, I never have been one, although she doesn't know that. What's really weird is...when I go into the office, I end up doing a lot of admin stuff for my Managers, and when I'm home? I don't have any to do. Why is that? Is it because I'm more efficient working from home and can get more done - with or without Chatty Girl? Or is it a coincidence? I can't figure it out.

Work is a source of frustration for me. I have to turn in a report saying who I submitted for what job, and one Manager gave me a job that I recruited on for a whole day, yet never gave me a job description so I could create a req #, thus it won't be on the report. PLUS I'm recruiting for a new group that was so political on a very high level, I learned, to get them to let our team (okay, just me) recruit for them, and of course THOSE 2 resumes won't be on the report, either. I'm afraid it will look like I'm barely doing anything for my own team, and we have a conference call today. What if my Managers complain and are unhappy? From what I can tell, they were never unhappy with their previous Recruiter - it seems like they loved him, although I know he didn't work as hard as I do.

Well, it's 6:00a, so I'd better start getting ready for work. That means I won't leave until 7:00a, won't get to work until at least 8:00a, and I'm interviewing someone at 8:30a. If there is bad traffic, I might not make it in time!!!

Off to Work I Must Go

A guy from my former employer called me yesterday - I don't even know how he got my home office #! He can be really sweet when he wants to be (and wants something, I'm sure), but it was still good to hear from him. I don't know why my friends at work didn't tell me he was no longer with the company. He sounded really calm and really happy, but...that's his job, right? When he's at an agency and wants my business? He told me a VERY interesting story that TOTALLY ties everything together. My ex-boss blocked all internet sites to us at work (he's so paranoid and childish), and the guy told me that my ex-boss stole the company from his brother (they used to own it together). I knew they went through YEARS of not speaking, but I didn't know why. The guy said something interesting. He said people that paranoid have either been screwed, or they're worried about karma. Yeah, it could definitely be the latter.

I'm STILL sick, but I think it's my body's way of getting better. Mark disagrees, but I think I'm just coughing so much because my body is ridding itself of the toxins, etc.? I knew I was sick, but not this sick. Everything I read said going to the doctor wouldn't help - antibiotics wouldn't speed up the healing process, so I didn't go.

I've gained SO MUCH WEIGHT since I haven't been working out, and that takes away the prompt in my head to watch what I eat. I'm going to cancel my membership at my old gym, and then hopefully join one near work. I haven't decided if I should take THAT much work off at lunch to take a whole class yet.

I stayed home from work yesterday because I just could NOT get up! I finally rolled out of bed around 7:50, and I try to be at work by 8:00! The sad thing is...the drive on Office Space at the beginning of the show? That is LITERALLY my drive to work. Same pavement - same stretch of road. That is where it was filmed! I hope that puts into perspective my 28 miles of hell to work and back.

I'm so worried about Java Java Java. I'm going to take a break from it today - its really gotten to me. I was hired as a "source recruiter" - someone that can find candidates without an agency, especially for Java, but all of my Java has been coming from agencies - really just one in particular. I love them - they are the only ones that are helping me.

I'd better start getting ready for work - don't want to get stuck in the ugly traffic! :(

Forget It

Forget my previous post. I'm going to have to be a LOT sicker than I am right now to put myself through the HELL of going to the doctor, for all the reasons mentioned.

Perhaps to the Doctor I Should Go?

According to my blog, tomorrow (Monday) will mark a week that I've been sick. I'm washing some clothes right now so I can go to the doctor. I HAVE to have a voice (I don't have one) for work - I can't do my job (as a Recruiter) without one. Most of my job is on the phone, and it's so difficult for me to muster up enough sound for someone to hear and understand me. There's one of those generic clinics within a few miles from my house that's open on Sundays, and I doubt they're miracle workers, but at least it's a step in the right direction. I'm also hoping they can give me something for my sore throat. Advil works okay, just not well enough. If they don't, though, it's no big deal. Whatever they think is best is okay by me.

One of the reasons I hate going to the doctor is because I have to list ALL of the medications I take - all SEVEN. And I have to SPELL them to the nurse. AND tell her I'm bipolar. It's mortifying. Come to think of it, maybe I don't want to go after all.

I watched my Barry Manilow DVD last night (don't laugh!!) : ) and basically tried to take it easy - only leaving the house to go with Mark to the "corner store" to get soda. I just stayed in the car. I AM trying to get better!

Did I ever comment on Mark sending flowers to me at work for our 1 month anniversary? I was SO SHOCKED! They were gorgeous too, and it was so thoughtful. I was incredibly surprised he remembered! Sure, he can be difficult, but he can also be the sweetest guy in the whole world.

No Wonder! I'm Sick!

I think I have an alternate reason why I haven't been sleeping until my alarm goes off in the morning, and it has nothing to do with Abilify.

I'm sick - I have a sore throat, and it's been waking me up around, like I said in my previous post - around 1:30a - 4:30a because it HURTS. I worked from home last Monday, Tuesday since Chatty Girl wasn't in the office, and on Friday since I was sick. I don't have a fever and I don't feel SO bad that I can't work from my home office, but just enough to be miserable, you know?

When I saw Chatty Girl one morning last week, she was so excited to see me, and couldn't wait to show me that they had put our names on our offices! We were no longer "Hoteling Offices" - haha. For some bizarre reason, she suddenly thought they got the names switched because we "look alike", and it took her a few minutes to figure out they were right. (I wasn't following her train of thought) It struck me as odd that she would say we look alike. Do you just say that to people? Don't you have to get their agreement, as in..."Don't you think we look alike?". What if I thought she was ugly? She's not, she's cute - and we do both have highlighted blond hair, same length, same build, same height probably, fair skin, and I think we both talk kind of the same. I took it as a compliment that she would WANT us to "look alike".

Work is worrying me, and suffice it to say, I hear about all of these plans to transfer all of these jobs to me, and I've only been there ONE MONTH. And I really haven't proven myself in this area. As a matter of fact, I feel no passion towards this area of technology. There are too few people and too many jobs. It's not subjective at all - that's why I like working on Manager level and above jobs.

Anyways, on top of my current load, they are loading me down with jobs from a whole new group of 2 particular kinds of technology, I'm getting my mentor's jobs in the same technologies (I think he's fighting it, though - he hasn't turned it over), and now one of my Hiring Managers told me a "secret between the two of us" that we'll be getting 30 new jobs by mid-December/first of the year as our group will be recruiting for a whole division or something, and he'd be my "Point of Contact". I'm only ONE PERSON!! Chatty Girl said not to panic - I didn't know what they had planned, and for all I know, they may be hiring another person.

My job is a source of stress and panic - constantly - for me. I don't just "take things in stride". I'm a perfectionist when it comes to work - but what good does it do to know that if you can't change it?

I need to MAKE myself work 40 - and ONLY 40 - hours per week. And that's it. Get a life outside of work. But I haven't had to do that since I started working again - I've had high maintenance jobs that have consumed my life. Mark's schedule just adds fuel to the fire.

But would I even be successful on 40 hours a week? I don't think so.

I guess right now what's important is getting well PHYSICALLY, and worrying about all of this later. It's's only too convenient to check my work email on my home laptop....

Back to Abilify.

It's only been a few days, maybe a week, and I've had BAD side effects from halving my Abilify dosage.

For starters, I can't stay asleep. Monday morning, I woke up at 3:30a, and couldn't go back to sleep, so I started working (okay, so it's not exactly the most relaxing thing to do to make you sleepy...).

This morning, it was worse. I woke up at 1:30 this time! I did the same thing - started working, and went back to bed around 4:30, but I get up at 5:00, and now here I sit, waiting for the coffee to brew.

Another thing is...I'm gaining weight! It's not my official day to weigh, but I weighed anyway, and I'm up to 138! I was just in Cancun at the end of August at 127 wearing a bikini!

My plan is to join a gym close to work and start going during lunch again. That seemed to really work.

Since I've been home...alone...isolated...for 2 days, I guess (shrug) it will be nice to go in to work today. The thing is, I'm not so isolated. As a Recruiter, I'm on the phone ALL DAY, so I get plenty of "socializing".

I bought some new sweat pants and sweatshirts from Victoria Secret's for my stay-home days, as it really gets cold in this house! I know, I know, why would I waste my money buying from there when I could just go to Target or Walmart. Since I may be home so much, I wanted something at least a *little* fashionable, if for any reason, my own self esteem.

I've been wondering if my mentor tried to set me up, or if he really doesn't know how to "screen" a candidate. He sent me a Java Developer as if I could just send him along to Managers. Well, last night I decided to conduct my own "screen" - if for any reason, to build a rapport with him. As we started talking, I realized this guy didn't develop Java at all! He worked on a technical support team who supported Java applications! He didn't write any code! HUGE difference. I made up some excuse and hung up, thankful that the candidate was honest with me. The candidate even mentioned my mentor calling and screening him a few weeks ago - so what gives? SURELY he knows the difference between supporting Java apps and developing code? That's why I think he was trying to set me up. Now I wish I could take back the resumes he told me to send to Managers in the beginning. I didn't screen ANY of them!

Work, work, work. I'm so obsessed. I need to join the gym and put something back into my "life" and out of the "work" section.

Work - 24x7!

Where are all the JAVA Developers??? (US Citizen, degreed, able to get a security clearance) Am I asking for too much? Is this what it's come down to now (see left)

It's happening again. Just like when I worked for the previous Big-5 consulting firm, I'm letting my job overtake my life. NOT GOOD. It's the trigger that put me in the hospital in 2001. I'm probably working 10-12, if not more, hours per day. And I only get paid for 40! I just can't help it, and when Mark is in Illinois, I'm by myself in my home office, and it's really all I have to do. I need to get out and do something, but when?

I'm so anxious about my job performance, and now I'm anxious about my job SECURITY. As a contractor, you're always the first to go. With the DoD spending up in the air, my job could be in jeopardy. I work with the DoD - Homeland Security, etc., and if that spending bill doesn't get passed, then who knows if our contracts will get cut? No one has mentioned it, but I worked at General Dynamics when Bush #1 was President, and Cheney cut a large project, and 3500 of us were laid off all at once. Don't even get me started on how he promised us our jobs would be saved if HE were elected President.

What a conflict I'm in right now. On one hand, yes, I do believe that money needs to be sent overseas, and at this point, I think the Democrats (of which I am one) and Bush are arguing over semantics. We should support our troops and give them all the help they need while setting a timetable for bringing them home.

But now we're talking about my JOB! I do support other groups of the government - contracts with the FBI, CIA, etc...(kind of cool to me), so maybe that will keep me afloat. I just can't find frickin Java Developers! Not just any - they have to be US Citizens, degreed, and able to get a security clearance. I'm racking my brain, and all of these groups are counting on me - just ME! I swore I wouldn't use vendors (agencies - like where I just came from), but I reached out to TEN today. I need some SERIOUS HELP! I have many ways of source recruiting, but it takes time. Now I have a NEW group that, for political reasons, have chosen me to be their recuiter for all .Net and Java positions, so that's even MORE pressure!

Don't get me wrong, that's not all I recruit for - just the positions the Managers are screaming for right now.

I've made a really good friend at work - Chatty Girl. She's been in DC this week and I've been working from home. I started working at 3:30am today because I couldn't sleep, and I don't know why people have to look and see when I sent my messages, but they just do, and commented if I ever get any sleep. Well, last night? No. I have a cold, and couldn't breathe.

Am I hypo, working so many hours? I have no idea. I don't FEEL hypo - just so bored that all I have to do is work. AND so anxious about my job performance that all I do is work. However, I did get a very nice comment at about 5:00a CST from a Hiring Manager:

"KansasSunflower --

I really appreciate your hard work and I have to say that you definitely live up to your reputation as *Managing Director* brags on you all the time.

Thanks for all your efforts…."

A Recruiter just does NOT get compliments. If there are no complaints, then you assume you're doing a good job!

Sorry this is all about work - I've been without human contact for 2 days now and just working, so that's all I have to write about!
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