I feel so sick, but not like I'm "sick" sick. For example, I I feel really dizzy and have a headache. On top of that, I slept in until 10:30a this morning! I NEVER do that! The latest I ever sleep in is 8:30. Plus, I know how important sleep/wake patterns are for bipolars, and I'm very careful about that. Anything at all that could be a "trigger", I *try* to stay away from if possible, if I'm conscious of it and think ahead.
However, usually Mark will go to bed with me around...say...9:30 - 10:00. Since I've been playing my new game, World or Warcraft, I lose track of time, and all of a sudden, it's midnight, and I gripe at him, saying "Why didn't you TELL me what TIME it was???". So stupid, as if it's his fault I stayed up so late. So I get up to go to bed, and of course, he follows.
But, in addition, I've been out of the 10mg of Abilify, and have 15mg. I've been cutting those in approximately half (who can do it exactly?) and taking that instead in the the mornings. No, it's not because I don't have insurance, it's because I'm just lazy. I'm going to call in a refill today.
Could the Abilify be making me feel sick?
I can't even play my game I feel so sick! But again, not like I'm "sick". It wouldn't take much to throw up, though.
While I've been working from home, I've hardly done any work. I just played that stupid game instead, telling myself people were hardly working or were out of the office this week anyway. I plan on staying home until Wednesday, though. Why go in Monday, New Year's Eve, when truthfully, most people really will have taken the day off? I feel guilty calling people about jobs during the holidays - like I'm bothering them, unless they have posted their resumes on a job board. I DO have to respond to work emails, of course.
I don't think I can be very productive working from home, this week has taught me. OR, I'm isolating myself?
Part of it might be because I've gained weight and really don't want to be seen in public. Sometimes I feel like people look at me and think I'm hideous. It's like....I always feel extreme one way or the other about it. Either I feel like I look FABULOUS and people love me, or I feel like I'm hideous and should hide myself, away from "public viewing". Right now, I don't feel suitable for "public viewing". My hair needs highlighting and cut and gosh darnit, I need to take off those pounds! It's like, I got married October 26th, started a new job on November 3rd, and then packed on the pounds! I guess they could be holiday pounds?
I know I've said this a million times, but my counselor, the one who wouldn't "accept" me because she said I had to many "chemical issues", said it was very common for bipolars to think in extremes like that, and that it had to be learned that being "okay" (just okay) was....okay. But, like I said, without saying so much, she made it pretty clear that she thought my issues were chemical and not something she could help me with in therapy.
I tried to fit into my clothes to go to dinner with Mark last night, and I put on about 5 different outfits and was horrified that none of them fit. Sure, I could get them on and zipped, but you could see my "muffin top" through my shirt, or at least I could because I knew it was there.
I have drastically changed how much and what I eat. The dizziness and "sickness" feeling has helped in that area.
My eye is twitching a lot lately too. Doesn't that mean stress or anxiety?
I'm falling apart.