Update

I've been employed since the beginning of November - 0 interviews thus far. I'm hoping it's because of the holidays. For a recruiter, when no jobs are out there, who needs a recruiter to find candidates for open positions? Hardly anyone, and I'm sure the competition is fierce. It's okay though, I don't have interview clothes because I look to FAT in anything I try on, and I may feel more comfortable going to a larger women's store and getting their smallest size clothes. I think they will look better on me anyway - they know how to make you look slimmer, I hope. I'm just not educated in this area and don't know where to go.

I got my nutrisystem food in the mail tonight, and think I will start the day after Christmas. I don't want to start just to fail by Christmas dinner that I make for Mark and I, and having Christmas Eve dinner at his family's house. It seems like a waste and I want to see results as soon as I start, not defeat. I'm excited to begin, but I'm also trying to make sure I don't ruin my motivation right now.

I've been playing World of Warcraft a lot, but not as much lately. It's gotten boring. I don't understand the point, but it's something to do.

My mood? Pretty flat-lined. I get depressed (maybe sad is a better word) easily, but it doesn't last. Not even a whole day.

I'm trying to shower every day, but it's more like every other day. That needs to change. By reading my nutrisystem guide, I need to make myself and taking care of myself a priority, and I would assume that would be bathing daily (lol).

My eyes since Lasik have had mixed results. My right eye is great - my left eye, not so much, but I've been warned about my left eye. Don't get me wrong - MAJOR HUGE IMPROVEMENT - I can see without glasses/contacts in both eyes, it's just a comparison between the two. My left eye was very high in astigmatism and needed a lot more correction, so they said it would be slower to heal. At times, I feel like I want to take out my contacts and put on my glasses because it feels like I'm wearing one contact in my right eye only. Obviously, I'm not wearing contacts. The surgery was more invasive and freakier than I could ever have imagined, but if my left eye stays like this, I can't just let it go, it has to be fixed. I can't see myself getting used to this. I wonder if that will require another surgery. If so, then that's what I'll have to have done. Whatever will give me perfect vision is what I need to do, I shouldn't procrastinate on this or let it go like other things in my life.

My mood is up and down, I never know what I am, actually. The holidays aren't especially depressing for me, maybe because Mark and I are barely celebrating them. I'm not much in the holiday spirit, and don't need to be. I think right now that may be the healthy route to go. Holidays are so stressful, Christmas is the kicker for me. This is probably what I need right now.

If I would just lose weight, I would feel more confident about myself, but I need to be certain of one thing - it won't solve all my problems. I have a workbook from nutrisystem that seems pretty good that I'll work on weekly as suggested. The first thing is to list why you want to lose weight, and to keep reflecting back on that for motivation. All the "possible" reasons they listed pretty much applied to me, but I only have 4 spaces to write something in. I get winded climbing up stairs, I want to look decent (good would be stellar) in a bathing suit this summer, I want to wear cute clothes, get my self confidence back (BIG ONE), like shopping for clothes again, so many reasons. They talk about easing into increased activity, thank God. In Day 1, if they wanted me on this stressful physical regime, I wouldn't be so excited to start.

Mark has been supportive about nutrisystem without saying I'm fat. Just like "if this is something you want to do, ok, but I want you to follow through and not quit." I do that quite often - try something for a bit then bail, and be obligated to paying membership fees or whatever.

The WalGreens pharmacy SCREWED ME! And they won't take responsibility! I take 60 100mg of Zonegran a month, and I didn't notice it, but they gave me a smaller bottle for this refill. Halfway through the prescription, I was out and couldn't understand it until I saw the size of the bottle. I don't stop and count the number of pills every time I get a refill, but know people who do. It just seems too obsessive compulsive to me, but maybe this has happened to me. The pills obviously couldn't have fit into the bottle, I called the pharmacy, explained the situation, and was told a "fill in" pharmacist was there tonight, I would have to speak with the pharmacist tomorrow to lodge a complaint. WHAT THE HELL ABOUT TONIGHT? I said "so go without my medication tonight?", and he said "I'm not telling you to do that, just to talk to the pharmacist tomorrow since we have a 'fill-in' for tonight" to complain. My insurance won't cover another Zonegran prescription until Friday (which I'm assuming is tomorrow), but why should they pay for it when WALGREENS SCREWED UP! I have old bottles showing much larger bottles from the past for this prescription, and the small one they gave me this time. Why in the world why I abuse Zonegran? It has no immediate benefits that I am aware of or have tried. I've never gone a night without it, so we'll see what happens. I may need to switch pharmacies. I was FURIOUS earlier, so mad I could hardly think or do anything. I had to take a couple of klonipin - it had me in a paralytic state, not able to think about anything else, and just sitting on the kitchen floor. My husband was scouring the house for old medication bottles hoping to find one with a few in it, but no luck. I would gladly pay for a prescription tonight and get a refund tomorrow, but don't even know if that's an option. I'm sure Zonegran is quite pricey, but I guess I can see what happens if I skip a dose and how I feel tomorrow. Hope I'm not puking my guts out or so dizzy I can't get out of bed.

I really hope NutriSystem works. It's not my "last hope", but a hope nonetheless. Last time I lost about 50 pounds with the help of phentermine. I'm not using any drugs this time, and need to lose 38. That was a big factor of gaining weight - stopping phentermine, maybe? And Mark's eating out through drive-thru's constantly, with me getting my meals that way. No more for that. I'll still go with him though, and we'll still have dinner together on Fridays. I'll just make better choices.

I'm glad Obama won! If anything, it brings hope to me that things will change for that better, and you can't buy "hope".

Lasik Tomorrow

I went to the doctor today for Lasik Surgery pre-stuff (what do I call it?). I already have the surgery scheduled for tomorrow (Friday), and I'm scared to death. Mark is out of town, and they will be picking me up and taking me home from my surgery. He's in these all day/night meetings, and I called him because I felt so horrible and was about to start crying, and he kept a sing-song voice on, talking about how this was such a positive move for me, etc. Sometimes I just want my feelings validated. That yes, it's normal for me to be scared. Yes, it's okay. He'll be worried about me and please call him as soon as I can once the procedure is over. Why wasn't any of that said? Just praises for the surgery? I only want someone to UNDERSTAND sometimes. Maybe be by my side, if not physically, then emotionally. But that didn't happen. He brushed my concerns aside with positive reinforcement. That's all well and good, but I need some comfort right now, and I have none. Just thinking about that conversation right now is making me start to cry. Why couldn't he just BE there for me emotionally???

Yes, this is elective and I am choosing to have it done, but my gosh, it's the night before the surgery! Am I making the right decision, will I regret this forever, what will happen tomorrow, will I be able to see at all for days, or ever? They gave me all of the information in the office, but who knows what is true and what is a sales pitch. Mark said this is nothing like my sinus surgery or my multiple-female-issues surgery where they made an incision from almost one hip bone to the next, but I wasn't worried about those, and I don't know why. I guess because they were necessary and...it wasn't my freaking VISION.

I'm totally freaking out about this too much, and I've taken all my nighttime meds, klonipin, and snuck a vicadon in that was prescribed for after the surgery. If it helped, my God, how bad would I have been?

I guess I'm just very lonely, or at least I feel that way right now. Really, really lonely.

I like my new 'do, it's different, but not TOO different, just kind of trendy different. It does give me a little bit more self confidence, I guess.

My biggest thing now is my weight. I was thinking of checking into nutrisystem (is that right?) where they mail you your meals and you just eat what they give you. I don't know how that will work when I have a Seroquel binge. Maybe I could save up the meals and eat them then instead. I don't know that we can afford that right now with me not having a job, but....I have to pay for my meals anyway, and I usually eat fast food, so would there really be any cost difference anyway?

I'll try and post tomorrow about my surgery, if I can see well enough to type on a computer. If not, I'll update when I can.

Thanks for listening, dear blog.

Here's a new fave song that cheers me up for some reason : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84_wLEyntV4

Still Jobless

I haven't posted in a long time, I guess because the expansion pack to World of Warcraft came out. Like dorks, I made Mark wait in line with me at midnight to buy it, with nerds from all over the area. I was thinking..."so this is the person that kicks my butt?" about everyone.

I'm still unemployed, and have lowered my job standards. It looks as though I'll need to take an agency job over a corporate recruiter job. Even those jobs aren't ringing off the hook. I'm so shocked. Before, when I posted my resume, I got many calls. Now, nothing. I guess when the economy is in a downturn and companies are laying off, the last thing they need is a Recruiter. Thus, my dilemma. It's especially hard for me to find a job when people aren't hiring, as they don't need someone to help them hire.

I still don't miss my last job though, although the money was outstanding - more than I've ever made, yet it came with a cost. A contract job where they could they had no loyalty to you whatsoever, and you were the first to go. I know I didn't pour my heart and soul into that job - I hated it! I now know the Big-5 Consulting world is not for me. I've tried it twice now, and twice I've seen that we don't gel. But where will I be happy? I'm wondering if such a place exists.

I tried on clothes to interview in today, and can't believe how much weight I've gained. I would have bought something if one of the fatass sizes I took into the dressing room actually fit, but it didn't. A pair of jeans were too tight around the waist, but were okay otherwise and were on sale, so I did buy those. I have nothing to interview in if someone calls me tomorrow to set something up. No, I have not had a SINGLE INTERVIEW, but I just lowered my standards maybe yesterday, so hopefully I'll have some soon.

It's almost 4:00a, and I've been up since 11:00p. I went to bed at 8:00p with practically a migraine, I guess from sinuses. It is that time of year I guess - weather changes, sinus infections, etc.

Without a job, my sleep is just now starting to get "messed up". However, when Mark is home, which he's not this week but is almost all the time, I do sleep regularly. My eating habits are erratic though, which I know is not helping my weight.

After being a practical "recluse" for year, working from home, I wonder how I'll do on an interview - real life contact with a person who is judging me for a job. I guess it depends on that person's demeanor. And how confident I feel about my appearance - I feel pretty confident about my skills.

I did get my hair cut/highlighted today, which is a BIG move for me, and do you know that the high end salon I went to didn't take a VISA card? How dumb is that? They took cash, check, American Express, and their own credit card. How slimy is that to get you to apply for their credit card? I don't use checks, have an AmEx, or carry around that kind of cash. I'm probably in the majority here.

Other than having low self confidence about my appearance, I think I'm doing okay. Trying to level to 80 in World of Warcraft quickly is a goal, but so is finding a job. I hate to think that Mark is worrying about money, it KILLS me. I guess we're doing okay - if we're not, I don't think he would tell me. He would never want me to worry, although I wish he would. We could share it, although I tend to overreact and let it get to me pretty bad. When our house was about to go into foreclosure, it sent me to the psychiatrist. Maybe that's normal, I don't know.

I'll try to update my blog more often. Tomorrow I have a consultation for Lasik Surgery (for a Christmas present). I hope none of my medications get in the way.

Dealing with Job Loss

Since being told my contract was ending on the 7th (Friday), I have been so anxious about work that I can't even work, such as answer the phone or check email. It seems so pointless and I feel ashamed, with everyone knowing they've "let me go". Mark doesn't understand why I have such strong feelings about it, and keeps saying "It was a CONTRACT!", reminding me that's the reason I was paid so much more, and they decided not to renew. Yes, the company is doing poorly, and yes, jobs are more scarce for Recruiters to fill. The ones that are there are being redistributed among recruiters to try and help everyone meet their goals, but I know they are not, and even received an email stating as much.

I've cried, been depressed, and have worried about what I would do if Mark just kicked me out. It's hard for me to be dependant on someone else. Yesterday, I had a headache so bad that I'm sure it was a migraine - I had a sick stomach from it. I'm thinking it was from nerves? I felt so "panicky" on Friday night that I just cried, and on Sunday too, and Mark kept asking what was wrong with me. But what am I going to say? "Mark, what if you decide you don't love me anymore and want to break up? What if you no longer respect me? What if I have to take care of myself?". I can't say those things. When trying to guess what I might be thinking out of frustration, that was actually one thing he said, but I didn't acknowledge it, I just kept crying, and he kept getting madder out of frustration.

Since yesterday, I started taking Abilify again - 10mg. It's worked to get me out of serious depression in the past, it just has side effects that I don't like that always makes me stop taking it when I feel better. I decided the side effects were worth it to get me through this period. Even if I got a little manic, well that would be wonderful! Key word - "little". But right now, I think because I doubled my Seroquel to sleep last night with that headache, all I want to do is lounge around. I did look for jobs all morning and into the afternoon.

I've put my resume on about 4 job sites, and have applied for many jobs. If someone actually called for an interview for a position I wanted, I'd have to rush around to prepare. I'd at least need to get my hair cut/colored and buy an outfit. I really need to get contacts too (I just have one disposable one for my right eye), but I don't know that there would be time. Nails done would be good too. But TECHNICALLY, I still have a job this week. In actuality, I'm not working, I just can't face it. The same person, I don't know who it is, keeps calling me over and over, since Friday, and I don't know who it is, just that they're from work. I mean, maybe 4 times a day, and somehow, they have my cell number too because they call it directly afterwards, and that's not even on my signature in my work email anymore, although it used to be.

I think I've had 3-4 calls about jobs now, but none have even been close to what I want. I'm not trying to be TOO picky, but they really are no-brainers about liking them. One required me to relocate, another was a contract, which I really don't want to take again, and paid almost (a little more) than half of what I'm making now in a field of recruiting that I don't like, and the third I can think of was no base pay, all commission. See what I mean? Yuck. The positions that I have applied for - they're not calling me back.

I read an email from a recruiting group I'm subscribed to about "where have all the recruiting jobs gone?". I know where they've gone - they've dried up from a bad economy.

I was playing World of Warcraft a lot, but I haven't played much since Sunday. Maybe it was my headache yesterday and the maintenance today, or maybe it's no longer something that distracts me. We'll see in the next few weeks, I guess.

Lost My Job

I lost my job today. I started to cry, but it wasn't in me. Mark is home this week on vacation, just hanging around the house, and he has been incredibly supportive.



The thing is, I've hated this job for a long time now. And I've been a contractor, with no feedback, no work friends, for a year, working from home while almost everyone else lives in other cities. It really doesn't matter if they do live here, I don't go into the office anyway, and neither do most of them.



My kind-of-manager told me that I could use her as a reference, that they were trying to shift resources around (there are less jobs for recruiters), and that is true. My own workload has changed dramatically. And my contract was up, Mark convinced me. It was time to renew for another 6 months.



The thing is, I know that I didn't pour my heart into this job. I didn't even like it. I didn't want to do it, but they paid me a lot of money and I'm lazy and got to stay home.



Now I have to go out and buy an entire new wardrobe (not get crazy, I don't know where I'll be working, IF I can find a job), get my hair done, buy contacts, make a "whole new me" that's presentable. I can't take off this size 12 weight, that's the crappy part and what most concerns me. And I can't make myself younger than my 40 years old.



I've already updated my resume, and it's on Monster. I've applied for all the decent positions I could find (3 or 4?), but I guess I need to put it on a few more boards, too.



But what would happen if I landed an interview in a few days? I'm not prepared! No clothes, no hair, no contacts, no....confidence. I'm not ready. I hardly have enough sweats to wear through the week. I just bought a pair of jeans, so I have ONE pair of jeans - ONE! I can't believe I've gained so much weight.



The interesting part is that my old co-worker sent me an email this morning, before I found out I was being let go, saying that I should come back to my last place of employment. Very strange timing. But I do miss working with her and my other friend...is that a good enough reason to go back somewhere?

I need to find a job fast so my resume doesn't have a gap in it (and for the obvious, financial reasons), but can I pull myself together, emotionally and physically, fast enough to land one? On the financial front, we'll be okay, but...what a waste of space I've become. I think I've been a waste of space for some time now.

Impossible?

I was so depressed and anxious all day that when Mark got home from work, I just broke down and started crying. He hates when I cry, and when I went to bed (not for the night), he followed me and rubbed my back, asking what was wrong, and I just told him my whole life. He asked was he so awful, and no, he's not. He is mostly wonderful to me. He asked what more could I want, and I don't know! There's so many things I do NOT want! Things ABOUT me that I hate! I can't tell him this, it's too revealing. It's like exposing your deepest secrets for someone to judge and see you the way you see yourself. I could never take that chance - what if he doesn't see it, and I bring it up, and suddenly he does?

I haven't showered in 2 days, and I hate my job. I want to quit, but I don't want to go into the office every day, mainly because I'm so FAT, and because working from home affords me the luxury to sleep in if I get a "Seroquel hangover". I just started taking 50mg from 100mg last night in a last ditch effort to stop eating so much at night, hoping that is the reason I keep gaining weight.

I know there's a lot further down the road I could be in regards to depression. I'm able to function, mostly. I didn't work at all yesterday - just played World of Warcraft, so is that really functioning? I don't have any responsibilities, really - Mark does EVERYTHING. How do I know if I'm actually "functioning"? By taking a shower? Then I'm failing again, when I was winning in that area. But all of a sudden, I don't have anything that fits, and I don't know what to wear if I do take a shower. That's not a good excuse, though.

Mark asked if I was depressed chemically last night. How do you know? If I was, I wouldn't know it. You attach the emotions to things that are real, and it doesn't seem chemical at all.

I finally got out of bed from feeling guilty with Mark trying to make me feel better, knowing he couldn't, and took 6 klonipin. Yes I know that's a lot, but my system has built up a tolerance for it. I must admit, it did make me a bit "out of it", but some of the pain went away. At least the anxiety part was gone, if not the depression.

We went to bed, and I couldn't sleep, so I got up to eat my breakfast as I hadn't eaten all day. It wasn't from trying to lose weight, I just didn't have an appetite. I played World of Warcraft, and eventually my eyes kept closing, so I finally went to bed for good.

Is it because I'm isolated all day? Is it the worry that I'm going to lose my job? Because I am worried - I don't have many jobs to recruit for, I'm not going to make my number of hires goal this month, and jobs keep getting "cut" that are on my "plate". I've thought about looking for another job - but there's the weight issue again. I feel so self-conscious about it. No, I don't weigh 200 pounds or anywhere near that, but Mark is such a health nut and runs about 7 miles a day that it freaks me out. In addition, I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I turned 40 this year - who wants to hire someone who's not young and seemingly vibrant? I *am* and *can be* vibrant, but how do you project that when you're old and fat? Once again, Mark is 32 and makes me feel so freaking ancient! Never by words, if I ever bring up age, he says he always thinks of us as being the same age. I STILL have not muttered the words to Mark "I am 40 now". I'm sure he knows it, but neither of us have verbalized it.

We did get approval for refinancing from Bank of America on our house, but have to put down a fortune to do it, I'm assuming because of the "credit crisis". That's good news - to get out of this ARM loan that so many people are getting foreclosed in their homes in that type of loan.

What other good news do I have. None. Nothing. I'm just a dark hovering cloud of unhappiness, unable to see the good in the world, and scour for anything negative to foster the feelings I have inside.

I hate my job, myself, and my life. I want out, but there's no way out. I'm drowning, and there's no one to save me. I have to live this alone, keep it inside, with no one to understand or even share how I feel.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but what am I supposed to do? "Pull myself up by my bootstraps?" So easy to say, yet is it impossible to do?

I've Had It

I'm trapped. I'm lost. I have nowhere to turn, but I want out. Out of what? Out of THIS, whatever it is I occupy every day - day in and day out!!!!

I am so....HURT, MAD, UPSET, LONELY, I don't even know the full realm of emotions I'm feeling. It's just excruciating, and I want it to go away.

Medication. Take lots of it. That's all I know, but really, what changes? Nothing. Eventually, it will all circle around and come back to this. THIS! A horrible world I live in that I really don't want to - I merely exist, to myself, and seemingly to those around me, what few there are.

What makes us HAVE to live? Why do we HAVE to go on? Who takes pleasure in seeing us suffer. because surely, something good MUST come of it.

I hate myself, everything about me. There's not a single thing I would keep about myself if I could choose one thing.

My life, there's not a single thing in it I would keep either. I'm FURIOUS with Mark tonight. Maybe he's getting the backlash of everything I'm feeling inside, I don't know. But how could I? He's NOT EVEN HOME, and he's in Texas, not Illinois!

He called after having dinner, "supposedly", with his work friends from Illinois, and then called to say he was going for "after dinner drinks". Isn't that a polite way of saying "we're going out drinking"? What a jackass. And to top it off! He knew I was sad when he called, he detected it in my voice and I didn't deny it, but did he offer to come home? No! Would I have done that to him? Never! Especially to a girl that's been committed to a psych ward for being suicidal? HELLO? Maybe that's asking for "special treatment", but when there's been a history of depression, my God...

And I DO, very much DO want to end my life tonight. No, I'm not considering it, actually thinking about how and when and the particulars. I just want to, like I've said before, cease to exist, but maybe it goes beyond that. I don't want to live. That's going a bit further, isn't it. I don't want this life. I don't like ME. I don't want to have to suffer through this anymore. Why does it have to be this way?

Mark is refinancing the house. When I got my inheritance, I dutifully put it in our joint savings account. With the credit crisis the way it is, the bank is asking for a LOT, I mean a LOT of money to refinance the house for a low interest rate and because our house isn't exactly a "starter home" and we wanted it with a good, solid bank. Mark just assumes that the money in the savings account is for refinancing the house and is ready to spend all of it on that, WITHOUT ASKING ME if I'm okay with spending my inheritance on that! What if I'm not? Do I not have ANY RIGHTS anymore? And you know what he said? "I guess I won't get to buy a new treadmill now." WTF? All of my inheritance going for the fucking house, and he doesn't get to buy a new treadmill? He refuses to take me on a vacation. He tells me to keep my job that I hate. He's not EVEN HOME RIGHT NOW. And when I say "so we won't have any savings?", he said, well, there's always YOUR account that you haven't been spending any money for months, and I'm sure you won't by the time we need it, either. I have to use that STUPID ACCOUNT for anything - to buy a pair of jeans, to get a haircut, to buy makeup, to purchase a video game, any little thing like that. It can NOT come out of our joint checking. So...I've neglected to take care of myself, and guess what? The money has added up quite a bit.

I'm just pissed. And the cherry on the cake?

My mother using my 6% of the house I own like she owns it herself. She blatantly lives in a house with MY NAME ON THE DEED without worry or concern that I own part of it - not caring what I think or that I'm entitled to my portion. She gets a free house to live in, and I get....to give my MOTHER my 6% to live in for free. Yay me, the shitty mother that couldn't have cared for me worse. She found the worst stepdad in the world and married him until I was 16, watching everything he did, telling me I deserved it. Maybe the fact that she was a DRUG ADDICT didn't help things? And SHE doesn't speak to ME because she can't get over the fact that I left when I was 16, she was a drug addict and living with a DRUG DEALER?

Yeah, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, to know that she is stomping all over me right now and it probably makes her feel good. She probably thinks she got the "last laugh". I guess she did.

I played World of Warcraft instead of working again today. I just can't deal. I can't cope. I can't take it.

This is pure misery and hell for me. Like I said, it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you take it, and I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now. Not that the woman at the corner store would know.

Just an Update

Yesterday, instead of working, I spent the entire day playing World of Warcraft. I rarely even answered the phone when it rang. I'm totally addicted again since I created a new character and want to level it before the expansion comes out in November. I've grown "attached" to it, unfortunately.

The situation with my name, and 3 other people in my family that I don't speak to, on the deed to the house that my mother is living in is becoming a nightmare. I called an attorney in the small town where she lives to try and get my name off the deed, and hopefully collect my share of the money, since that is what the trust dictated - not to be deeded! I can't believe SHE is living in a house scott-free while 56% of it is owned by other people! And she's FINE with it - with having our names on the house she occupies!

The thing that *I* don't like is I am partially responsible for making sure the taxes get paid, the house is insured, etc. Growing up with a mother that was a drug addict when I moved out at 16, has never owned a home in her entire life, do you think I trust her to do these things? OF COURSE NOT! I want my name off the deed, but...I want my money too. It's not fair if I just "deed" the house to my uncle or brother to get it off my back.

Now that it's "deeded", I don't think it's going to be as easy as sending my mother letters from an attorney, and simply (haha - simply) suing her for my portion. I may have to ask all of the people on the deed to buy me out, or...I don't know.

I just want this to be over with, I wish it didn't exist, it puts me in a bad, depressed mood. At times I get obsessed over it and it's all I can think or talk about.

Maybe that's why I've been so addicted to World of Warcraft. It totally takes my mind off the house and my mother. I need SOMETHING to escape this rotten situation that consumes me. With anger. Hatred. Seething rage.

My BMW is finally finished, out of the body shop from slamming my car into a curb. Two weeks later, $8000 later as well. Mark said I was "drunk" from medication - could it be this whole "housing" (mother, not financial institution) crisis? It was obviously poor judgement, and maybe just an accident waiting to happen all of these years.

I just spoke with Mark - I've got to take a shower so we can meet at the car rental place and go to pick up my car.

I guess my luck could be much, much worse, but it's all in how you take it, right? I'm not taking it so well these days.

Bailout - Manic Mad?




I am "CRAZY ANGRY" about lawmakers debating the "bailout" of financial institutions. SO MUCH SO, that it makes me wonder if I'm manic?

How do you know when something just makes you THAT MAD, or you're chemically unbalanced?

I haven't done anything over the line, just argued with Mark about it for 2 hours straight, sent emails to my dad, and to my Congress-people. And scoured every news source for any updates regarding the progress of deliberations.

I've always been political, cared very deeply about things, known where I stood, what I believed, and who I am at my core - politically, which is right in line with who I am as a person. Although I know the difference. I can say something is one way for myself, yet don't want to impose my own beliefs on the rest of the country - let them make their own choices, does that make sense? Not want to legislate MY beliefs and make EVERYONE do as *I* do.

But bailing out financial institutions? Even in the face of what I'm seeing - WaMu being seized by the FDIC (oh my God!), large corporations going bankrupt, but mostly, being bought - I just don't believe it should happen.

And see, I'm a self-professed DEMOCRAT. Yes, I *get* government regulation, and believe in it for many things, but MY tax earned dollars, when I work up to June of each year just paying yearly taxes, going to pay for irresponsible financial institution's debts? I go INSANE! Over $2300 per man, woman and child of MY MONEY to go to financial intuitions? OH-MY-GOD!!! They must be out of their flipping MINDS!

Where were the bailouts for many other industries? The car industry? Enron - when so many people lost their life savings, too, because of corruption? Irresponsibility/incompetence/corruption, whatever. *I* do not want to pay for the higher executives 8 figure salary at a financial institution! It's MY MONEY that was supposed to go to better the country - pay for government programs, etc., all the foolish things that my mind makes itself believe that deep down, the government really cares about the people.

I see this as a sort of "socialism" for the financial market. We're socializing the losses, and privatizing the gains, and it's NOT RIGHT!

THIS will decide who my vote will go to for president - Obama or...no one. I won't vote McCain because he voted 95% over the past 8 years with Bush, so I don't care WHAT he says, his record is in black and white - he's more of the same (to quote a slogan). And look where we are! In a needless war! In financial ruins! More of THIS? How much more can we take? How much worse could it possibly be, but yet, somehow it could be?

And Obama, my God, he's supporting the bailout, so how can I vote for him?

I guess I'll stay home. Obama had my vote, maybe just by default. Not anymore - but I'm waiting to see how this plays out.

Depressed

I was SO depressed over the weekend and yesterday. I was consumed by the fact of having to sue my mother over my percentage of the house. I was so depressed, in fact, that Mark characterized it as my "shutting down" over the weekend, just going to bed, and he even did my only weekly "chore" - the laundry - without complaining or even asking me to do it.

I *did* run out of Adderall and took my last one on Friday, so maybe that was part of it (I hope). I took one this morning, and so far so good.

I was so completely consumed yesterday that I didn't even work! I'm sure I have a ton of emails and phone messages, and I just pray that I'm not in trouble and nothing critical happened. I had to go to the doctor to get my Adderall prescription, and I called an attorney about sorting over the whole house business, so my day was pretty full. I couldn't concentrate on work, anyway.

I haven't spoken to the attorney about what to do yet. He just got all of the pages of my fax last night, so I'll call him late this morning to see if he's had a chance to read the trust and make an assessment. He's already told me that if I can't work it out with the bank, then I'll have to go to trial against my mother, it will be very confrontational, and will cost thousands of dollars. I will also have to get an attorney in Kansas, not Texas, and the house is in a po-dunk town, away from any large cities.

I haven't seen my mother since I was 18 years old. How will I deal with this? Can I handle it? I've tried to give the situation to God, but can't seem to let go. It's as if I do, nothing will get done. Maybe I'm thinking of it the wrong way. Giving a situation to God doesn't mean to not do anything, it just means to put your trust in Him, that "giving it to God" means His will will be done. What is His will isn't my will? What if he wants my mother to be "given", "hand-fed", my portion of the house? To have my name on the deed when I don't even trust that she'll buy insurance for the house?

I'm worried about not working at all yesterday - that something crucial happened, I missed it, and someone/some people tried to contact me all day yesterday. I'm worried about confronting my mother about the house. I'm worried about my weight. I'm worried, worried, worried.

And disgusted with myself.

I was actually thinking on Sunday...how smart my aunt was when she took her life. To find an old farmhouse in Kansas to take her life, so her family wouldn't find her in the house. The worst possible thing would be for Mark to find me.

See how depressed I was? I hope it was the Adderall and that I'll be better now.

Sue My Mother

I've had 2 glasses of wine, but that hasn't detered my willpower to do what I must do.

I have to sue my mother. Please don't go on with "but she's your MOTHER". She had 16 years to be a mother to me. I said "goodbye" to her many years ago, per a counselor's advice.

The trust has ended, she remains in the house that I now own a percentage of per the trust. She hasn't left. She hasn't sent me my percentage. I have no recourse. I could let her stay in the house, for free, with my name "on the deed" and just "look the other way", letting her have a handout, as she's had ALL HER LIFE, or I could sue, and hopefully, the attorney will see it my way per the document.

I haven't called an attorney. Only because I worked my ass off today and it's now 7:00p on a Friday night after Mark and I went to dinner. Let's say my uncle takes her to court and he gets his percentage - they won't give me MY percentage - they'll just order her to give him his.

I found out from the Bank that my brother sent an email to the trust officer saying that either myself or both of us (I wasn't exactly sure) are estranged from my mother, and that he just wanted his money, not his name on a deed. My brother is an attorney himself, interesting, huh? It doesn't matter, my brother will do what is best for him: get HIS percentage, as he should. It won't mean that it will snowball into my mother paying me what is owed to me.

I can't IMAGINE how furious my uncle is, with the largest percentage of the house, and her just living there, for free, while we all own a majority of it.

Mark told me he would never live in a house with even HIS parent's name on the deed, and he can't imagine she would be the same way - with my name on the deed. I asked him "is he freaking kidding?". Like she cares about a piece of paper? NO WAY! She cares about a "free ride"! She doesn't care that she lives in a house with MY name on it - she only cares about what's GIVEN her. She's never owned a house in her life - never paid taxes, insurance, ANYTHING. What's a deed to her? She only cares about a place to live. For FREE.

Yes, she got her sum of money from the trust. Honestly? I know it's gone. She's been waiting for this for 12 long years - she's had that money earmarked for quite some time. Does she have the money to pay the 3 of us off for the house? I doubt it.

Would I kick her out for my small percentage? I don't know that I would even have the authority. She owns more than I do. If I could? Yes, I would. Not willingly, only if an attorney advised me to do so. The message? NO MORE FREE RIDE, especially on my name and on my watch. But I don't want to be around when it happens, just told about it in a cold way, very short and sweet, by an attorney.

I'm going to get an attorney, find out his or her opinion, and if he thinks it's wise, move forward. I don't want to do anything myself, just let him or her handle it all on his/her own. Get updates as they happen. That's why they get paid, right? So I don't have to do anything?

And in the end, yes, I will have sued my mother. 20 years later, will I be sorry? No. It's already 20 years later since I've seen her. Am I sorry? No.

The Morning After

It's 1:30 in the afternoon, and I've hardly worked today. I can almost say I haven't at all. After taking double my nighttime medications last night, all I could do, or want to do, is sleep. I'm now drinking coffee which is a stimulant, and I'm wondering how smart that is? Maybe it would be better not to drink it and stay in la-la land.

I did eat breakfast though at 8:30a. I drove to McDonald's, on the freeway, with my eyes barely able to stay open. People on the freeway may have thought I was drunk, but I was hungry and thirsty, with nothing to eat or drink at home. I got a huge breakfast, ate most of it, a huge drink, drank most of it, and went back to bed. I've been up and down out of bed the past few hours, but once I get up, I realize I can't work or talk to people without slurring my speech, and go back to bed.

Right now? I'm just "out of it". I feel very fat for some reason, like I can't fit into my shorts or sweatpants, and my head is cloudy. My eyes are blurry, and I have NO ENERY, nor desire to do anything. But go back to bed and maybe sleep.

Work? That seems impossible right now. THAT is why I'm drinking coffee. To give me energy, strength, willpower.

Was it so smart to take so much medication last night? I know I was in a "bad place", but look where it put me TODAY.

Incredible Rage

I feel intense anger, anxiety....I don't know how to describe it. I can't pinpoint it on anything - it's nothing, it's EVERYTHING. I took my nighttime meds, and.....nothing. So I took them again. I'm in SO MUCH PAIN - but not the depression kind. It's painful, very much so, all the same. And uncontrollable.

Is it possible that something "triggered" this? Yes, I got angry yesterday when I received a letter in the mail. I don't want to get into a long story here, but I recently received a letter from my trust fund (that just ended) regarding the last asset: my late grandparent's house, the one my mother is (I assume) living in. The one she was supposed to move out in 6 months when the trust was up, or buy the other trustees out. What did the letter say? That the DEED to the house was being put in all of our names!

I don't want a DEED to that house be in my F'ING NAME! I want nothing to do with them, and just want out - I want to be bought out or have the house sold and get my portion! I don't want HER to be living in that house, for free, as she's been doing for the last 12 or so years, when I now own a percentage of it. Per the trust, she was to live in it during the "trust period" of about 12 years, and then leave (for it to sell) or buy us out. It hasn't happened!

No, I don't have a relationship with my mother. Well, I take that back. If you include a hate relationship, then yes, I do. We haven't spoken in years and years, I haven't seen her since I was 18, and she tells lies about me to everyone. Am I bitter? You bet your ass I am.

The things that happened to me growing up are despicable, and I often wonder if it's the reason I'm bipolar. They say that your environment can cause mental illness, and in this case, I have enough reason to declare that may be a fact.

I'm writing all of this in my overwhelming anger right now, so please forgive me if this sounds overly hostile.

But again, the LETTER. It said that the insurance for the house would end at the end of October. So I called and inquired if anyone was living there. I mean, OBVIOUSLY *I* am not going to buy insurance for the house if someone is living there, and ABSOLUTELY I am not going to work with these people to sort out each of our payments together to insure it. If they contact me, their letters will promptly be filed in the trash. Anyways, the woman did not know if someone was living there, but verified my mother's letter was sent to the home's address, meaning...she still lives there! No one has kicked her ass out!

Mark said it's really not a bank's job to kick someone out of a house - that's for the cops or the justice of the peace. But the trust is very clear in this matter, and being that they were/are the power of attorney, shouldn't they have taken matters into their own hands, instead of putting my name ON THE DEED???

My percentage of the house is very small, it's the principle. My uncle, on the other hand, is as greedy as she is (I know how I must sound right now, but it's not about the money, it's about HER living in part of MY house for FREE) and he owns the same portion that she does. Mark said sometimes it's better to let other people fight your enemies, and he's convinced my uncle will do battle with her. After all, several years ago she hired an attorney against him because he kept "dipping his hands" into the trust for "emergency purposes", and she wanted to make sure that the amount he took was taken out of his portion at the end of the trust. See how greedy they both are? And the funny thing? I saw the amount of money we were each allocated about a month ago, and he got the same amount as she did. Her attempts at hiring an attorney against my uncle were fruitless. This is why Mark thinks my uncle will fight the battle for me regarding the house.

This must be SO BORING to anyone other than me or my (shall I even call them this?) family.

But now...I'm FURIOUS over EVERYTHING! The financial crisis the country is in - I can't contain myself! The presidential campaign - I can't even watch or read ANYTHING because I get too angry. The tiniest bit SETS ME OFF.

Right now, I'm just ANGRY. And I'm not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel ANGRY. Like...eyeballs bulging out angry.

I told Mark how I felt, that I wish there was a crisis line I could call or something, but there's not. I told him to go to bed, because we would just end up fighting. But then he went to bed, and I started to cry, because how can he just go to bed when I feel so overwhelmingly in PAIN? He just abandoned me when I'm in a "dark place"?

Yes, it's possible that the letter was a "trigger". This is when it started, my anger. And it's escalated over time. Taking double my nighttime meds may not help me in getting up in the morning, but maybe it will be a "jumpstart" in getting back my sanity.

And my car? The one I wrecked by "popping a curb" when I took my nighttime meds, got hungry, and went to McDonald's? It did $7400 worth of damage. I remember the tow truck guy coming, in a foggy haze, because the medication had REALLY kicked in by that time, telling me I at least had to sign some piece of paper, I have no idea what it was, and signed something, ,somewhere. I also had to give him my car key, and have no idea how I got it off the key chain. In my right mind, I have to ask someone else to take it off for me.

Did he tell the people at BMW my state of mind? That I was in a drug or alcohol haze? I wasn't really, I don't think, when I "popped the curb". My car is just really low to the ground. I know how crazy that sounds - popping a curb, air bag deployed, $7400 damage, but no big deal. But it REALLY WASN'T! I didn't even go OVER the curb! I HIT the curb! That's IT! I sat and ate french fries while I told road assistance to call a tow truck for me. That's how small it was. It was NO BIG DEAL.

Does this mean I'm spinning out of control? My actions seem to say it, but yet, there also seems to be an excuse for things.

Although, I can't stand this pain I now feel. What do I DO with it? Keep taking pill after pill until it finally subsides into blissful sleep?

Maybe it will all go away, as easily at it came. Is this serious? Is it nothing? Am I hormonal again? Am I justified in how I feel?

I don't know the answers to any of this.

Broken

I'm so disappointed with myself. I "let myself go". I feel SO OLD. Everywhere you turn, people say "40 years old this" "40 and over that". I just turned 40! Why does everyone have to make it such a crime, and like I'm SO OLD now! Supposedly all of these things are true about me, and I see pictures of women who are 40+ years old, and I think, is that REALLY what I look like? I look THAT OLD? I just don't see it in myself.

Except I'm not happy with my appearance, and it's a major drag. I feel overweight, my hair, I need contacts, clothes, and I have all the money for this, I just don't do it. I feel too ugly to be seen in public, and when I'm in public, I feel hideous.

Why does Mark stay with me? He's handsome, great hygiene, runs 7-8 miles everyday with a good physique, only 32, successful - and I don't even bathe every day.

I'm an absolute loser. I don't even work hard like I should. I get by on the very minimum I think that I can without losing my job - and even that much may not be enough. Maybe I want to get fired. Maybe I want a job out of the house that will force me to deal with my appearance issues and fix them. Take better care of myself.

I can't help but feel so completely disgusted with myself that I don't know what to do. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm like a shut-in, staying away from all human contact except Mark. That can't be attractive to him.

How do I fix this? What do I do? I have this golden opportunity - to work from home where I could do productive things with my life during the day, yet I don't. I waste the chance.

I guess it's never too late.

But maybe it is for me. In life. Has my time passed? Has youth now eluded me and I'm doomed to lose my beauty, if I haven't already? Obviously I've lost it now, but deep down, I can't help feeling that I could gain it back.

I look at younger people that I never would have thought were attractive before, and now they are, just because of their youth. I feel old and ugly, what can I say?

When will Mark wake up and realize this? Should I make the first move and just get it over with - stop worrying, decide he doesn't deserve this, and end the torture? There's NO WAY I could be making him happy. I don't contribute to the household at all except monetarily.

Is going to church the answer? I would LOVE to go, but Mark won't go with me. He's made that very clear. I want us to go as a "family". I need inspiration, my faith back, a future to look forward to, if it's only in the afterlife, a knowing that there is more to this life than living and dying.

Maybe that's what I'm missing. God. And prayer. He's never let me down before.

Blah

It REALLY disturbed me that the lady at GNC implied that I needed to lose 20 pounds. So much so that I've really cut back on how much and what I eat, take diet pills, am going to get laxatives, etc. What a bitch. She wasn't even pretty. I'm sure it's probably their job to make you feel like crap about yourself to make you buy their products, but it backfired. It just pissed me off. It's made me obsessive about losing weight, going back into the store, and being snotty to her.

Mark is home from work this week, and it's really hard to work when he's at home. I just want to play with him. He's already bored, but he had nothing planned. I want to hang out with him, but I have to work. :(

Getting into the accident on my medication (popping the curb) has really scared me and I do NOT drive while on my meds anymore. Sure, it's only been a few days, but I still can't believe I did what I did.

I don't feel like I work long or hard enough, and really want to, but I get bored. Working from home gives you all kinds of distractions. With Mark home, he now thinks my job is "cushy", working however many hours I want whenever I want. Yes, it's true, I do. And I shouldn't. It's stealing from the company, right? When I do work, I work HARD, though. Maybe that suffices.

Guess I'd better get to work - and World of Warcraft is down until 1:00p today, so I can't level my new mage, which I've had fun doing. It's something to do, anyway.

Realization

Since I have to drive by the "scene of the accident" (basically, the place where I popped a curve), I've had a chance to examine it thoroughly. I did NOT go over the curb, but I DID actually BREAK part of the curb into a few pieces. How did that happen? I totally don't understand it. Mark thinks I was going about 40-45 miles an hour. Is that so wrong? To be making a turn into a gate to your home? Sure, it's pretty fast, but I do drive fast. Yes, I was "under the influence" of my medications. Yes, I know I shouldn't drive that way. I think the ridiculousness of the whole thing hit me today when I realized the SOS Roadside Assistance that was triggered by the airbag being deployed, and while they were talking to me, asking if I needed an ambulance, I actually was talking back while eating french fries.

Is it different than when a drunk gets behind a wheel? No, it's not. I would get a DUI, he - a DWI. Both are the same, right? It's just...I don't "feel", at the time, impaired! Maybe that's how a drunk feels too, but I've BEEN drunk, and it's simply not the same! It's not the same.

Now I have to watch myself when I take my nighttime meds and am home alone (read: most of the time). I really miss my little BMW, and can't BELIEVE popping a curb will be $5k - $7k to repair.

I'm very lucky that no one was hurt, including myself, but I just POPPED A CURB! Something I've done over and over - why was this time so different? I'm sure I've even done it at a higher rate of speed.

The lady at GNC ruined my night tonight. I just wanted to go in and buy diet pills, and she gave me a lecture about diet, exercise, etc. I wanted to scream "hey lady, I lost 50 pounds, so lay off", and I finally interrupted her and asked what the most popular pill was today, and she told me. I told her I wanted that, and got the hell out of there. She said people always come in saying they want to lose 20 pounds, feel great, etc. etc. I never SAID I wanted to lose 20 pounds, why is she saying I need to? She said she had lost weight, drank protein drinks - do you know how many freaking calories are in those? I told her I ate protein bars, and she made a face. WHATEVER! She couldn't work her protein shake/vitamin scam on me and send me out the door $300+ later, and instead, I bought $50 worth of diet pills, will probably hate them, and never go back. I might even return them if they make me sick, which she said I could do.

When we were walking down the street at the mall (it's outside) this weird guy started walking up to us, and I just stared straight ahead. I didn't know what Mark did, and the guy was on his side, I was on the inside next to the stores. The guy must have known the girls behind us, and said "this guy is looking at me like I'm retarded", but he was trying to talk to us. He was saying something like "Hey man, can I ask you...", or something, I don't remember, but really trying to get our attention. I just ignored him like a person begging for money and kept walking. Without my knowledge, Mark gave him a "look" while he walked by. I thought he did what I did, but he didn't. After we got a little further, the guy yelled at him and called him an "asshole". Mark wheeled around and his chest puffed up. He was getting ready to walk back and do who knows what. He's not a fighter. So I grabbed his arm and said "Come on, what are you going to do? Kick his ass?" and pulled him along. He was pretty mad. I asked Mark what he did, and he said he gave him a "go to hell" look like he does to people who ask for money in Illinois, which he says is on every street. People in Dallas in the suburbs aren't exactly used to that - maybe downtown in Illinois, but not suburbia Texas.

To be honest? I was scared. I didn't know what the guy wanted, and he was coming right at us aggressively. My pace picked up, and I couldn't have stared more straight ahead if I tried. That's MY way of dealing with situations like that. For instance, people with signs on the corners of streets when lights are red. They start walking down the lanes, shoving their signs in your windows. I lock my doors, roll up my windows, and stare straight ahead, praying they will move on. They always have, knock on wood. When I first moved here, I was so naive. I gave EVERYONE money.

The thing is...people in the city are so calloused that they won't give people money who ask for it. They say "they're just going to buy drugs or alcohol", or "they probably make $100k a year begging for money". You know, maybe that's true. But...in the beginning, before I got so calloused, I used to think, it didn't really matter what they did with the money. God knew my intention in giving it to them, and that's what mattered.

But now, I'm scared to roll down my window and talk to them, even. I watch too many Forensic Files and American Justice shows. I used to make my ex-husband, believe it or not, give them about $20 each time we saw a "homeless person", and this was when we didn't really have it to give. I thought they needed it more than we did.

But really, I still believe, it doesn't matter what they do with the money. It's my intention that counts, right?

From Fricking Popping a Curb???

I finally located my car! It was at the BMW Body Shop.

See previous post for what I did - I don't feel like typing it again.

From fricking "popping a curb", get this! It will cost me $5k - $7k to repair! Whoa - what a lesson about driving under the influence of medication. But the more I think about it - I was also under the influence of driving with one hand on an ice cream cone.

Mark and the lady from the insurance company kept saying that maybe I went OVER the curb. I did NOT. I know that for a fact. I HIT the curb, and I know equivocally that it did not go over. I'm sure she was thinking the same thing I am - well then why did your air bag deploy? Yeah, I dunno, it's pretty dumb.

She has to know I'm telling the truth. She asked if I was injured, well no, of course not. I popped a freaking curb! Who gets injured from that??

The first words out of the body shop guy's mouth was "you need to call your insurance company". I was like "why?". I'm so naive about these things - getting in an accident is not something I do (unless you count the fraudulent accident where a couple hit ME and tried to claim damages against me!).

The really BAD part. I called the insurance company, and of course, they asked me a lot of questions. One of the first questions was - "what did the car look like when you inspected it?". Uhmmm....I THINK I did, and all I saw was one flat tire. She seemed incredulous that I didn't inspect it more, but I think that's all I did, if I even inspected it. I was OUT OF IT. I could hardly sign my name for the tow truck guy! I don't recall any body work needing to be done, but she offered that there may be a lot of work needed underneath.

How stupid am I - not to fully inspect my car after it being damaged. But I DOUBLED my nighttime meds! I was trying to hold it together! I know that I looked like a mess - all drugged up. Hopefully the tow truck guy isn't interviewed!

My poor car. :( I told her I needed a car while mine is being fixed, and she noted it for when a claims agent called me (within 2 hours, she said). I'll bet they won't let a BMW Body Shop fix it - it's probably too expensive. If it had to come out of mine and Mark's pocket? You'd better believe we'd have it done there! At least we'd have comfort it would be done right, and taking it to a car shop that does ANY car won't know how to exactly work on my car!

I'll trade it in, then. If it can't be fixed by BMW, I'll get it back, and trade it in.

I'm an absolute moron.

But seriously, POPPING A FREAKING CURB? Really?

I just want my car back. :(

Stay Home When on Meds!


I'm such an IDIOT! I don't blame this on being bipolar necessarily, I blame this on POOR JUDGEMENT.

I had *so much* anxiety that it was unreal last night. At 6:30p, I decided to take my nighttime meds after trying FIVE klonipin. But I went overboard, and took twice the amount. Well what do you think happened when they started to kick in?

I got extraordinarily hungry. That's when I did the bad thing. I got behind the wheel of a car. Technically, a DUI. Majorly.

All was well until I was rounding the corner to the gates that block our housing division. Somehow, and this is BIZARRE, I hit the corner SO HARD that one of the multitude of air bags in my BMW expanded. This caused the "SOS" roadside assistance in my car to trigger, and they were asking if I was okay, etc. They asked if I needed a tow truck, and I said no, then I realized, I couldn't move my car.

So I said yes, I need a tow truck, and after verifying time and again I was okay, they called one for me.

Somehow, my car "released" itself to let me drive it again, and I drove the two short street blocks to my driveway. I was so out of it that when the tow truck guy came, he said I at least had to notarize a form, which I did, then shut the door and went to bed. I remember him asking which BMW dealer I wanted my car sent, and I remembered enough to know which one I frequent.

OMG what he must have thought of me! OBVIOUSLY he could tell I was "way out of it". He must have thought I was drunk or on illegal drugs.

This morning, I panicked. I didn't know where my car was! I remembered the "accident", if you can call slamming into a curb an "accident", but didn't know where he had towed it! I started calling the BMW Dealerships, and finally they gave me roadside assistance's number, who tracked down my car for me.

They STILL haven't called me back! This is very urgent! I need to know for SURE my car is there! Never mind what it is going to cost - do they have it? Is it lost?

What a horrible mistake I made. Mistake? Is that what I made? I think I was ok, and the meds hit me on the way home from getting something to eat. I mean, REALLY hit, especially between the time I got home and when the tow truck came. It was all I could do to stay awake during that time.

I woke up this morning, hadn't taken a shower yesterday, a stain on my shirt, just feeling gross. The house is a MESS, a DISASTER, and I don't know what's happened to me!

I'm not depressed, but this overwhelming anxiety, and I mean, BAD, is too much to bear.

I feel fine right now, maybe because it's Friday and Mark will be home tonight. I need to pick up the house, obviously, or there's the potential he will blow up at me.

I just g0t out of the shower and feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I did play a new character that I had started before on World of Warcraft. It does keep my mind off my crappy existence and gives me something to look forward to. I'm not in a guild = no social interaction. But I'm also not playing every second I get, either. It's kind of boring, but something to do.

Guess I'd better call in my meds - I took a couple of night's worth and now I need more.

Moving in the Right Direction, I Guess?

I started working out - Day 2. We'll see how long this lasts. : ) Maybe just by saying "we'll see how long this lasts" is a bad sign? I hope not. It actually gets me out of the house and my body moving. It also makes me doubly conscience about what I put into my mouth and when.

I hate my job, is that anything new? What do I do? I feel physically unattractive and not confident enough to get another job. Plus...I know I couldn't find one that pays what I make now. ON TOP OF THAT, I would have to report to the office every day, a luxury that working from home, a bipolar on medication can find god-sending. It's so demanding, but maybe I just make it out to be that way because I hate every bit of it.

I'm working on how I feel about myself physically. The gym is a good example, as well as changing my eating habits. I have a new "eating habits" goal. I just want to lose 3 pounds per month. Nothing dramatic - a very slow weight loss over time. For me - these 3 pounds are hard fought, however, if past history repeats itself. By the end of September, I hope to be out of the 150's. Right now, I feel like I've gained a ton since I weighed on Friday, only time will tell on weigh day. Weekends are horrible for me. I keep trying to tell myself that when I started my last "changing my eating habits" diet, I was halfway through my weight loss goal at what I weigh now. I felt so slender - HA! Now I feel like a big fat cow at the same weight! But I started at like...172-174, so, I'm trying to keep that perspective and not get too down on myself.

I also need to go to the eye doctor and get new contacts to stop wearing these clunky glasses everywhere. It really lowers my self confidence as well. My glasses are SO THICK. And so out of style, in my opinion. Perhaps I'll make an appointment tomorrow.

All of these are steps in the right direction, correct? And working out everyday will create endorphins that will make me feel better, right?

I'm TRYING! What more can I do? All that anyone can ask of me is to TRY and correct what makes me feel so miserable about myself, which in turn, makes me miserable in general.

Mark and I are getting along decently - we actually had a good weekend recently. He's out of town now, and today, my anxiety went through the roof. I had to take 5 klonipin to stop obsessing about work because I didn't do much today. He called me on the phone and I was short and combative with him. I don't know why I get that way when he's out of town. Part of it is I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE TO HIM when he's out of town. I just want to get off as soon as possible. I hate holding the phone up to my ear - my arm gets tired.

I'm also trying to get out of the house more, and went to see this ridiculously stupid movie over the weekend - Something Thunder. Points for going to the movies for me is all I have to say. I'm SO self conscience out in public - waiting for someone to point and laugh at me, seriously. The way I'm dressed (because I'm so fat - 152 last count), my glasses, my age, anything. Mark has the body of a model now - running 7-14 miles every day, and doing his upper body before that. How could I not feel horrible about myself next to that?

Other than that, I think I'm moving into the right direction, I just hate my job.

Mark took a vacation week off next week, so that should be good. I just need to stay disciplined and actually work while he's home. Or take the week off myself, I don't know. I've worked for this company since last November, and have yet to take any time off.

That's about it - no bipolar symptoms, not much World of Warcraft playing, and obsessively watching Big Brother. Who will win it? Time will tell.

Back on Top

Mark got home Wednesday night, this is Friday, and boom, just like that, I'm in a good mood. The deep depression has lifted and is completely gone. Am I really that co-dependent? Because that is what it would be, right? Co-dependency? Or is it because I just started, without my knowledge, becoming "hormonal", and it was "hormones"? Or...was is just chemically based, with no clear cut answer?

I can't say I'm completely OVER being "mad" or whatever it is I am at Mark. I know it's so stupid to feel betrayed or abandoned because he travels and isn't at home because of his job. It just seems like he constantly chooses his job over me. No, I haven't outright SAID that to him. I don't want him to feel like he has to make a choice, as if I'm giving him an ultimatum, because I'm not.

Why can't I feel the way I do now when he's not here? Not angry? Not depressed? Not...abandoned?

I'm not working very hard this afternoon - it's the Friday before Labor Day weekend. I think I'll go clothes shopping this weekend.

I joined a gym last weekend and I forgot to buy new sports bras, plus I bought some shorts that actually fit, along with tops, and I want to buy more of the kind I already have. It's amazing the amount of self confidence you have by just having new clothes that fit and you like.

But that didn't stop me from dipping into the hole of despair this week.

What the hell WAS THAT?

Home Late

I'm getting bitter towards Mark and him being gone so much from home. I can't contain myself and act like it doesn't bother me when I'm around him. We bicker and fight, at least we have since he came home from his trip last night. That's when it exploded. He said I'd been "treating him like shit" while he "treats me like a queen". I asked how? By the tone of his voice on the phone?

He neglected to call me and tell me he had a late meeting tonight, and I have already started dinner, something I never do (cook). I called him, twice, and it rolled straight to voicemail. He called me back, letting me know right away he had to "step out of his meeting" to call me back, and that he'd tried to call me to tell me he had a meeting from 5:00 - 6:00. He said I sounded mad that he wasn't home, and I said I wasn't (but I am), and if that were true, I'd be mad all the time. And he said "why, because I'm never at home, right?", starting the fight all over again.

I really am hurt, bitter, angry, and maybe jealous of him. It's almost consuming. It's like a slow simmer, always beneath the surface, and when he's around, it rises to the top and I can't keep it within. I don't lash out at all, but I can't act "normal", either. That's what he describes as "treating him like shit". I'm really not. He means I'm not acting the way I normally do - all happy happy joy joy around him, soft and fuzzy, gentle, kind, that sort of crap. I'm emotionless, methodical, careful in what I say and how I say it, thinking I'm controlling the way my voice sounds to hide my emotions. But obviously, it's not working. By trying to remain "neutral", which is all I can muster, it's anything but "normal KansasSunflower".

I don't FEEL like getting up and greeting him, throwing my arms around him. And now that he knows I'm upset, he comes to me and places a big kiss on my lips, saying how homesick he's been, which is such the opposite from how he's acted before now. I told him he's conditioned me not to not be emotional when he comes home from trips. I had to get him out of the habit from actually walking in the door and starting a big fight over something as small as a fork in the sink! He wouldn't even acknowledge it was nice being home, he missed me, anything! It really REALLY hurt on his first trip away from home. I missed him SO MUCH, and he walked in the door, emotionless, ready to unpack his bag, brushing past me while I was waiting to give him a big hug. It felt like he could have cared less if he had been gone.

I don't know about this relationship. Right now, it's not working, and with him leaving again on Tuesday, how will we have time to work through it? Even if we do, he'll leave and the feelings will just well back up inside of me.

I daydream about living by myself - not GOOD daydreams, like "I wish...", but just wonder what it would be like, not having to feel this way. Would I feel even worse than I do now? How much would I miss Mark? Would I be devastated beyond all repair? Or have I practically lived alone for so long now that it wouldn't be much of a change? I mentioned it several times last night - what should we do, should I just move out, but he never would comment or agree. He said he couldn't live this way either, but HE says it's ME that needs to change.

Yes, it's ME that needs to change. I need to change how I feel, but what if I can't? What if this keeps growing and growing until I'm nothing but a bitter old woman?

I guess at that point, I'll be relieved to leave?

Well, he's on the phone now on his way home, talking about job, guess I'd better go.

Sick INSIDE

I don't feel good INSIDE. It's like I'm sick, but not with a physical ailment that I can describe. It's emotional. I know that sounds so silly, like I'm describing depression, but that doesn't exactly explain it. It's as if my emotions have the flu. I feel like I need to "take it easy" so they can "heal", so to speak, does that make sense? I am practically emotionless because of it - numb. It could be from all of the Seroquel I took last night (5). It could be "shell shock" from my severe depression last night, too, and I really do need to recover.

I guess Mark called AGAIN last night after I finally fell asleep, and I didn't even hear the phone ring. I woke up early this morning and started working, and he called when I was on a conference call so I couldn't pick up. When he called again I was on another one, but I switched over, and he was a bit agitated with me. He had been worried something had happened to me - I think he said he was afraid I had "hurt myself" was the exact way he put it. I asked him "like what"? He he said he didn't know, like I fell down the stairs or something, but I know the truth. "I hurt myself"? He was thinking, my guess, is that I tried to commit suicide. He was kind of upset when he was talking to me - I could tell he'd been worried. And he called just awhile ago to tell me he'd gotten to the airport way before his flight to see if he could get an earlier flight home.

I can't do this "pull closer-push away" thing with him anymore. By that, I mean get close to him, then he leaves for the week for Illinois. I feel deserted, abandoned, even though he calls every morning and night, sometimes in between. But what alternative do I have?

Quitting World of Warcraft has NOT been good for me so far. It gives me all kinds of time to think, and it's not been happy times. I know I keep blaming everything on that game - my weight, my now depression, my feelings about Mark traveling, but I see the direct relation to my obsessively playing that game. When I was buried in WoW, I didn't notice Mark gone, I didn't notice I was gaining weight or cared what I put in my mouth, and for whatever reason, I started playing the game obsessively in the first place - maybe I was depressed, and I never got over it, so here I am.

Yet, hiding behind a game is not the answer. I'm not forcing myself to play right now, and I have no desire to do that whatsoever.

And I'm working harder and longer than I ever have in this job - except maybe the first month when I started, before WoW. I just pray it doesn't become my new obsession.

I have no idea how to act around Mark when he gets home. I still don't have the will to act sing-song happy which I know he wants and probably expects around me. I'm numb, but it's better than crying my eyes out and feeling tortured with pain. I'll just tell him I don't feel good, which is the truth! That I just started being "hormonal", which is true also, and, to be honest, could be contributing majorly to how I'm feeling right now.

My diet is going well, except today I'm really hungry from taking all of those Seroquel last night. It was worth it, though. I am no longer, as I said, feeling like I'm being "tortured" from the inside out. It's the worst feeling ever.

I just want to be "normal" again.

Depression, Please Be Gone....

Mark called AGAIN last night, trying to get me to talk. I guess he obviously knew something was wrong. I didn't do all my normal things - talk about work that day, or share anything about me for that matter. I didn't really comment about much he had to say either. He tried to keep me on the phone as long as possible. I still didn't feel like putting on a "front" for him, I was very depressed, and didn't have the energy nor desire to act fake, but I didn't want to tell him what was wrong, either. "I'm very depressed". What does that accomplish, especially when he's in Illinois and I'm in Texas?

I took the 4 Seroquel last night, and after an hour...nothing. I then took all of my nighttime meds, and added another Seroquel. I wasn't tired, wasn't slurring my speech, nothing. I felt the same way as I had before I took it anything. I even told Mark I had already taken my Seroquel, and he was shocked because he can always tell over the phone, by my speech, when I've taken it. I don't know what happened last night. I finally decided to just go to bed, and must have fallen asleep pretty quickly.

So far, it seems to have "jump started" me a bit, because I don't feel the same way as I did last night - so desperate, anxious and incredibly depressed. That's what I was hoping - that first and foremost, it would drown what I was feeling yesterday, and secondly, that it would make me feel better today. But I rarely feel so bad first thing in the morning, it progresses throughout the day.

And I discovered this morning that I'm "hormonal", which may have contributed to last night's "breakdown". Heck, it may have been the whole thing, although I can still feel the "twinges" of depression, the actual PHYSICAL feeling of it in my chest. It's so hard to explain the physical aspects of depression. I still feel a bit anxious, too. But the lingering "drugginess" from last night's Seroquel is veiling the harshest parts of it, I think.

If I start feeling as depressed, anxious, and desperate as I did yesterday, I don't know what I'll tell Mark. He can't know with his trips to Illinois. But...when I'm like that, I have absolutely no desire to "pretend". When I'm moderately depressed, I can do it, but not that severely. There's nothing he can do about it, so why tell him? Let him worry? Last night, he mentioned that I was acting mad at him because he was traveling. So he really has NO CLUE what is wrong with me.

I guess I'd better get to work, and that's depressing all on its' own. I hate my job. Why don't I get a new one? Because I work from home, and it's a luxury that, being bipolar, is wonderful. If I'm depressed for 3 days and can't work in the office, I don't have to call in and miss work, I can stay home and still do what I can. If I can't wake up in the morning because of a "Seroquel hangover", that's okay, I can just get up a few hours later. And, it pays a LOT more than any job I've had in the past. On top of that, it's for a major consulting firm that will look awesome on my resume once I have good tenure there and do look for another job. In the meantime, with all of these pluses, I'm still stuck in a job I hate, but I can't think of a job in the past 5 years that I didn't hate.

Here's hoping that depression doesn't overwhelm me today...

No One There

I'm not in a good place at all right now. And I have nowhere to turn. I realize all of these months, like a broken record going over in my head "I want to quit", I was saying to myself, not I want to quit my JOB, but I want to quit my LIFE. I think I kind of knew that when I really thought about it, but now I KNOW it.

Maybe the fact that I've virtually stopped playing World of Warcraft has brought me face to face with reality. A harsh reality. I'm so unhappy with my life. I might have been hiding behind it for all of these months behind the game, and that protection is no longer there. I hate my job. I'm unhappy in my relationship. There's nothing to look forward to in my life. I don't have the energy or desire to create something new and stimulating for me to wake up for in the morning.

I've tried to tell Mark how I feel about our relationship, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. And maybe it's more than just about him traveling. There's an emotional disconnection, or perhaps I'm wanting one more than is possible. It seems like it's because he travels - he's not not home, but is it really because of that? I just completely shut down when I know he's leaving or packing to travel to Illinois, and I want nothing to do with him. I suppose it's my coping mechanism to prepare for the emotional detachment I'll feel once he's gone.

But now he's not here, I feel so incredibly depressed, and who do I tell? Yes, he'll call sometime tonight, but I never want to talk to him for long in the mornings or nights when he calls. I hate talking on the phone, probably because I do it all day for my job. I'm considering not even answering the phone. I may be asleep - I've taken 4 Seroquel, hoping to "jump start" myself for tomorrow, which sometimes works.

I'm so...lonely, lost, empty. I don't think there's any help for me this time, and more so, I don't think I want it. No, I do NOT like feeling this way, I just don't have any hope. What is going to change? My job? Mark? No, just ME - *I* change, that's IT! Why do *I* always have to change? Take more of this medicine, take less of that, go here, go there, whatever.

I'm not even saying I'm that sick. I just feel this way RIGHT NOW, but....I think it's the realization that I've been feeling this way for awhile that just hit me.

It hurts SO MUCH, is it possible that anyone could ever understand how it feels to....have no hope? Get up every morning without any reason? To take your medication? To make a buck? A life of obligations, that's what it's come down to, and yet...I wish I had meaningful obligations. Mine are worthless. I don't even bother to make myself presentable to let the women in the house every other Thursday to clean the house. I may not have bathed in 2 days. How's that for disgusting, and feeling disgusted about yourself?

I don't like to feel sorry for myself. I hate it, is that what I'm doing? There are people with so many horrible things happening to them, yet they are able to handle it. Why can't I deal with a regular day? Why is it so traumatizing?

It's just..when you feel so bad, you try to figure out WHY, and associate those feelings to things in your life. This is what I'm coming up with right now. And it makes perfect sense why I'm crying. No hope. I wish I didn't have to live. Why am I being tortured.

How long will this go on? Will it just worsen? Will I feel better tomorrow after taking 4 Seroquel today?

Or will this continue, worsen day by day with the realization of how I've been feeling for so long? My true feelings spilling out, as I'm no longer able to contain them?

Is it even fair to discuss my relationship with Mark right now?

I don't want to tell him how I'm feeling. He already knows how I feel about him traveling, but what would it accomplish, my telling him how depressed I've become? He can't do anything about it, he's not here to help me, soothe me, wipe away my tears, keep an eye on me as he's done in the past. And I don't need him to, either. I'm an adult, and not everyone has someone in their lives to do that for them, either.

***

Mark just called and he kept asking what was wrong. I didn't feel like putting on a sing song voice for him, but I didn't feel like talking about it either. So it ended up being short, choppy, probably emotionless-sounding answers to his more and more probing questions. I finally got off the phone telling him it was too loud where he was (at a restaurant) for me to hear him. He wasn't too happy, but what was I going to do? He was asking things like, when did you eat, when are you going eat, things like that. If this stupid Seroquel would just kick in, I might eat a Lean Cuisine and go to bed! I told him nothing was wrong with me! I do usually ask him all about his day, but I didn't today. He told me a bit about his, and I just briefly acknowledged it. I wasn't trying to do anything except get off the phone and not pretend to be someone I'm not! Or act okay when I'm not! Or talk about how I feel!

Now I'm all anxious inside. Who is he to deserve a wife like me - mentally ill. Who am I to deserve to be mentally ill? Life is so complicated, yet so simple.

I just wish this anxiety would go away, but I don't know what to do, it was SO STRONG all day, and now it's back.

It won't do any good to tell Mark though! He has a new career to focus on in Illinois, not a sick wife in Texas.

I need to keep my head above water just enough to be able to do my job every day and not get fired. That's stability, right? To remain a productive member of society and hold down my job?

No matter that I feel like puking my guts out most of the day, or crying the rest of the day.

Now I think I'm just typing out of anxiety. I'll stop now.

Want to be Missed

I officially started my "new eating habits" this morning, and weighed myself when I got up for my starting weight. 151.5. It could have been much worse - I was thinking 156 or 157. I really blame World of Warcraft - once I got that game, I didn't care about anything else for months and months until now. To think that a stupid game would cause me to gain over 20 pounds is ridiculous! It came over work, making proper meal choices, everything. I'm so glad I'm not as addicted anymore. It's actually kind of boring now.

Mark and I got into a huge argument last night on the phone. He's out of town on business, of course, and I was just feeling like I was alone in the relationship. I was telling him how I felt, and it took him probably 30 minutes to finally say he'd rather be with me than away on business. He kept making excuses, like...he's not really gone for that long, or he was home with me for two straight weeks for my birthday, or what if he was a consultant and traveled 100% of the time? I told him when he is here, he grabs his computer every night and a cigar and goes upstairs on the balcony for 1-2 hours. I didn't say this, but on top of everything else, he's constantly checking and writing work emails on his blackberry, his head down buried in the thing, even when we go out to dinner (not the WHOLE time, I guess) or he's driving the car with me in it. How could I NOT feel alone? I am. He was more concerned with taking oaths to be a "good husband" than he was about being home with me. Shouldn't he WANT to be home with me after work every night? He kept saying he could take a job as a developer in town and be at home, and my God I don't want him to mope all the freaking time like he used to do, about how he wasn't achieving. He was accusing me of saying I wanted him to do that, and I wasn't at all. I was just saying how I felt, and his reaction was making me more and more mad. I suppose he wasn't saying at all what I wanted and needed to hear. I was actually contemplating leaving. Why be in a relationship when you're lonely? When you're by yourself? And I am. Now that he's been promoted, his at-home activities have doubled, and I've been pushed to the side.

I went to bed mad, had dreams where I was angry, woke up still mad, but answered the phone when he called anyway. He was being super super super nice. I suppose it's calmed me down some, and I know he could tell I hadn't chilled out, but I did a little by the time we got off the phone.

He kept saying last night that we needed to "talk through it". What is there to "talk through""? Nothing. The only thing that can be changed is ME. How *I* think and feel about him traveling, and that's it. Nothing else is going to change. I don't think I should tell him to stop doing things he likes to do, such as sit on the balcony and smoke a cigar. He enjoys doing that so much, who am I to stop him? What a witch I would be.

He must not enjoy spending time with *me*, I guess? He seems to have no issues with traveling or pays no attention to how little of his time he gives me when we are together.

I think he chalks a lot of it up to me working from home and being by myself so much. He thinks I get lonely from that, in my opinion, as I think he's said he's my only stimulation. But I do talk to people all day long on the phone, and through emails, etc.

Is it so wrong to WANT to be MISSED?

He never misses a call - he calls me EVERY morning and EVERY night, so I guess he thinks that's enough. I'm assuming a lot here.

Is it because I'm fat? I wasn't showering enough when I was obsessed with that game? What is it that's wrong with me? I let myself "go"? We just got married 10 months ago! How far could I have gone! Is that the reason? We're now MARRIED, and he feels "safe"?

Or do I feel this way over nothing. Am I making a big deal about something insignificant. I see his career becoming more and more successful, and me being squeezed out by the same amount.

His career is his identity, it always has been, and it's an important part of who he is and I wouldn't want him to change jobs because of me. He would feel bitter towards me for the rest of his life. I'm not asking him to do that nor do I want him to, either.

What do I want? Maybe to know he feels the same way that I do. But he doesn't, because he didn't verbalize it. Now he's trying to make up for what he did, thinking he's in "trouble", by being super nice. I don't want him to be fake towards me - or act like, all of a sudden, he misses me when he never acted that way before now. How false is that?

It's such a mess. I feel like crying big time right now. What's so wrong with me that my husband is willing to give up time together and not even miss it?

I'm Still Here

I know I haven't posted in awhile, and I hope to change that. I have slowed down my playing of World of Warcraft quite a bit. Mark plays just as much as always when he's home (read: all the time), but will stop for any reason to do anything.

I was pretty depressed for awhile, but I *think* I'm coming out of it. I still feel miserable about myself, but just today I think I started making healthy decisions to start changing how I feel.

First off, my birthday - that's enough to depress most people. Turning 40? I can't let myself even think about the age. I don't even BREATHE the number to Mark, who is 32. For some reason, it's like I think if I don't tell him, he'll forget how old I really am. Inside, I know he knew this was my 40th birthday, but it wasn't mentioned.

He did everything right. Bought flowers, a sweet card, and a wonderful "milestone" gift - a Rolex, perfect for turning 40, right? This is starting to sound familiar - I think I've already posted about my birthday.

That's a huge reason to be depressed.

I know I'm lonely. Mark is gone a lot of the time - and I started thinking yesterday...is it possible that I'm an "old maid", even being married? I have a vision of what an "old maid" is, and of course it's this woman with gray hair put up in a bun which isn't me, but the sentiment could be me. Without Mark, if I were murdered in the house, how long would it take for someone to notice I was missing? Weeks or months? Until the house was being foreclosed? An odor was coming from the yard? Of course, if I went just a day without answering my email, people would notice. But what would they do? Would they do ANYTHING? Just assume I quit since I'm a contractor? I'm not close to those people.

I decided today that my weight wasn't going to be an issue any longer. I went to the grocery store and bought probably 20 Lean Cuisines that I can eat in place of fast food for dinner. I never eat lunch because I'm never hungry. Instead of getting a huge fast food breakfast, I'll do what I used to do. Drink a pot of coffee before breakfast, and then when I'm not hungry any longer, get what I used to get - an egg mcmuffin which is surprisingly low in calories (I haven't checked the fat content). I ordered 5 boxes of Powerbars which used to get me through any late night Seroquel binges, and I'll choose a gym and join it. I can go during the day with my job, so why don't I take advantage of that? I just don't want the whole "tour" and then make an appointment to be shown the "machines". I just want to do classes and the stair stepper, and be left alone. And not to be weighed!

I'm working SO MUCH HARDER at my job. Or should I say "longer". World of Warcraft was sucking away work hours, I hate to say, but it's not really addictive any more. I just have too much work, although my Manager took some away and gave it to other Recruiters. I'm still not keeping up though, although I'm really trying. Today several hours were sucked away when I had to go to my psychiatrist to pick up my Adderall refill.

I can't change my age, but I can change my weight. And I'm not my heaviest, I might just be where people started saying, when I was losing weight, "I can't believe how much weight you've lost". I may still be at that point, I don't know. I'll weigh tomorrow morning. Of course, I'm 20 pounds heavier than when I was done losing weight, but 30 pounds (I guess? I don't know how much I weigh) less than when I started losing weight. If I'm in the 150's, then my first goal will be 148. That was my weight when my friend got married (who is already divorced) and I fit into this ugly bridesmaid dress I have hanging in the closet. Just think - last summer I wore a bikini!

To be honest, I don't blame working from home on my weight gain. I blame World of Warcraft. I got so caught up in the game that I didn't care about anything else - including my weight.

Now that I've stopped playing so much, even my skin has cleared up. It was kind of pimply before, and now it's not.

I'll buy new clothes, too...this is the end of the summer, so summer clothes should be on sale. In Texas, summer lasts way into October, so they'll get plenty of use. And my spending account! I have hardly spent a dime since buying that online game, so it's added up from last December. I have enough for SEVERAL wardrobes.

And...this week I finally got my inheritance after ALL OF THESE YEARS from my grandfather's passing away in the early 90's. I also got my share of the life insurance plan that we (my mother, brother and myself) dissolved as well, which was, of course, much smaller than if we would have waited until he died. I put all of it in our joint savings account.

SO...ALL TIES are now cut from my mother and brother. They don't even know my new last name, so it would be impossible to find me if we moved. Yes, they now have my address because it was always on trust fund paperwork, but if we moved to Illinois, they'd never be able to locate me. Honestly, it's the most healthy choice for me. My mother only wants to make my life miserable in any way she possibly can, and it was a joint decision with my then-counselor to say "goodbye" to my mother (not to her directly, just to grieve her not being in my life). She hurt me way too many times, and you can only hurt someone so many times before they have to stop it. My brother? He refused to believe me that his father ever did anything to hurt me and felt he had to choose between me and his dad, so he made his choice. His dad. Why would I want anything to do with him either knowing this? His dad was Satan to me from the time I was 5 until I was 16. He's 9 years younger than I am, so he claims he doesn't remember, which is probably true - he could have blocked any memory out as a small child, or my evil step-dad could have always sheltered him from any abuse he gave me. Either way, it's very painful thinking that someone believes you're a liar about something so traumatic and is so very close to that person, thinking they're wonderful.

So...it's a GOOD thing, I only see it as a positive. I really don't care about the money - I'd give it all up, plus all of the money I have on top of it, to have my grandfather back instead. He'd still disapprove of my not having a relationship with my mother and blame me, but maybe after all of these years, he'd understand.

And my being bipolar? Right now, I don't know how that fits into the mix. I have ringing in my ears, does that count? I think when I get depressed, like I was, I go much further than a "normal person" would go. And...people can actually SEE it and HEAR it in me when I'm trying to hide it, whereas in a "normal person", maybe you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for it or they told you.

Mark and I got into a HUGE argument where I told him he was the most apathetic person I'd ever met. No surprise from him - he'd heard me tell him that many times. So when he argued against it, I asked him "tell me what do you feel empathy?", and without skipping a beat, he said "your depression". I thought he was trying to tug on my heartstrings, so I naturally asked him why, and he said "because it must be very painful , and scary not to be able to control how you feel". So...I guess, yes, he does have empathy, believe it or not. I was just surprised at what he chose. I'm not surprised he cares about it - he's always concerned about my depression. Mania? That's a tough one. It's really hard for me to pinpoint my manic behavior until it happens. It's always bad decision making, but it's like a surprise - always something new (and not in a good way).

I think this post is long enough, and I should really go pick up my Adderall prescription now...
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