I stopped playing WoW just now for about 5 mins to check my work email, and I'm OVERWHELMED at what I saw! Not only do I have a mountain of work to do, but there's two mountains more added to it since Friday at 5:00p (it's Sat night at 10p)!!!

I HAVE to stop playing World of Warcraft, it's just not good for me. I should be doing my work and not playing continuously.

Can I stop? Just like that? I don't know, and I know how ridiculous that sounds. I'm thinking of taking it minute by minute, half hour by half hour (yes, that slowly).

Not only that, but it could cause some serious harm. I'm forming friendships online, which doesn't sound harmful, but I don't like feeling happy or excited to see someone come online, if that makes any sense, or wish they were online. It's like waiting for the phone to ring. If I cut off these friendships, I won't FEEL this way.

I DO like the game, very much so, but I'm at a point where I feel STUCK, so maybe it's a good time to stop, take a breather, come back when I feel more stable about it.

IF I can ever be "stable" playing WoW.

Can I stop? Just like that? We'll see.

I'm so scared I'll get fired from work now. I don't know WHAT the hell happened, and where all of this work came from at once. It wasn't there before WoW, was it? Could I have controlled it? Or did it spin out of control?

No one seems mad at me, but how do I know they're not complaining to their Directors about me?

I'm scared. Really, really scared.

What if I can't stop playing WoW and I get fired? Yes, I've been working this whole time, but not as much as I was before, and probably not as much as I should have been.

I feel as if I'm sinking, or I've sunk, and I can't pull myself out......


No Sunbeam For Me

It's almost 2:00a on Saturday morning, and I'm not tired. I just want to keep playing my computer game obsessively.

Mark just got home from Illinois, and is not in a talking mood. He is, of course, extremely tired from working all day and the travel. At first it hurt my feelings, but I'm trying to set aside my own needs and give him some space.

He called tonight before his plane left and said he thought we should move to Illinois for his job, if I wanted to as well. With my job, I can work in the city, too, because they have an office there as well. I don't know what to think about that. On the other hand - what is here for me to stay? No family, distant friends, yet...they are there, and I know it, you know?

I think *think* I might be depressed? Is that the reason for the obsessive game playing? When I say obsessive, I mean jeopardizing my job because I'm working from home and playing, staying up late, etc.

Right now, I'm watching Nirvana's MTV Unplugged before Kurt Cobain committed suicide, and I can relate to everything he's singing. It's not the first time I've felt this way, but it's surprising to me that I feel this way. I've been so engulfed in the game, that I've buried any feelings that I have.

I honestly do not know HOW I feel or HOW I'm doing.

"Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam, cause sunbeams were not made like me."

Computer Addiction

I'm so addicted to this computer game, World of Warcraft. Since Christmas Eve, every single free second I get, I'm playing. There's a way to check to see how long you've played, and since Christmas Eve, I've played a total of (added up in days/hours, etc.) 7 days, X hours, X minutes. Can you believe I've sat here for the equivalent of 7 days, night and day, playing that game, and it hasn't even been a month? The only reason I'm not playing NOW is they're doing maintenance on the server....for EIGHT hours! I'm now a Level 28, for anyone who cares. : )

Mark has joked about having a computer game addiction, but I think it's still too soon to say. It could still be the excitement of having new game, right? But I don't think it is. I know I won't want to stop playing. I'm in it too deep.

This video is HILARIOUS about World of Warcraft - it's true, you have no time to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, etc. And you're such a computer nerd! : ) I tried to get Mark to watch it, but he *so* didn't get it. The tape in the middle of the glasses cracks me up!

We had our wedding reception last weekend, and it was an okay time. We just had Mark's family there, and I could tell his family was very happy with that. I was surprised that his entire immediate family came, including his brother and sister in law that NEVER attend family functions (which I don't really either), but even less than I do. I get along really well with his sister in law, and that may be why.

Work has been HECTIC! I went into work yesterday after staying home since last Tuesday (and sneaking game play here and there), and felt like I hardly got anything done except set up interviews. No job searches, etc. And my Managers are screaming for resumes! To make things worse, I'm about to get about 30 new jobs for a project, and I just don't know how I'll keep up. For these new jobs, there is NO process in place, but I'm on a conference call today to discuss it. My "mentor", who has not been invited to the call because the jobs do not fall under him categorically, said to just "lay low" until my Sr. Mgr got back and discuss process with her. I think he's absolutely right - they are going to try and bully me. Also, I don't want to contradict my Managing Director on the conference call.

Chatty Girl stayed worked from home yesterday, so I was able to actually work in the office for a change! I honestly don't think she has enough to do or something. Where I'm crazy busy, her Managers are slow to react. She recruits internally for the Big-4 (Big-5?), and I recruit externally, for work that is billable to the company and has already been sold. Every day that goes by that my position isn't filled, my company loses money.

She's going to come in today and talk my ear off, I just KNOW it. Oh well. I'll do the best I can to ignore her.

Guess I'd better get ready for work.

Wham, Bam

I was so upset, angry and depressed yesterday. I was beside myself.

First of all, I've been crazy busy at work lately. I don't know if it's because I "zoned out" work for a few weeks, but I have been unbelievably swamped. I obviously can't work from home because of World of Warcraft, so I have to go into the office and try to show Chatty Girl that I'm too busy to work.

Then I get home last night to face a letter in the mail from the courts because I didn't mail my defensive driver's letter off along with my driving record to get my ticket dismissed. I needed to get it notarized, and it was just a big pain and I never did it.

Mark TOTALLY flipped out over that letter. He said a lot of mean things, too. He was screaming at me (literally), even saying he was "being mean to me now" because the "other ways'" weren't working, etc. I got up and went to bedroom, and when he followed me, I said "obviously I'm trying to get away from you, can't you leave?" which didn't help matters any.

Things started getting ugly quick, with him still screaming at me, and me keep bringing up the fact that he was screaming at me. He said anyone would feel the way that he did after (and he started naming things I had done), and I said no one would put up with (and named how he was treating me). The things he named that I was doing were just little bitty nothings, but of course, it doesn't matter what *I* think of them, it's what he does, I suppose.

I think this all centers around his depression and how he never feels happy anymore and complains about it all the time, yet refuses to seek help from a p- or t- doc. I'm actually tired of hearing about it when he won't DO anything about it.

But he told me not to even go there last night, that wasn't the problem.

I don't even CARE what the problem was. Like I told him last night, we get married, and a few months later, we're headed to a divorce? He said that's not what he wanted, he just wanted me to change.

He wants me to CHANGE? I said what about you, and he said "Excuse Me?" "EXCUSE ME?" in a rude way, of course. That was the whole point - I'm tired of him being rude and mean.

I wonder how long it can go on like this...

It sent me into a place I don't like to go, and I while I know I'm responsible for letting myself do it, I just kept saying over and over to myself "I want to quit life". I wanted to stop playing - not that I was thinking it wasn't "fun" anymore, more like I couldn't deal with it. I yearned to take a handful of Seroquel and just sleep blissfully for 24 hours, waking up in a haze, but I have too much at work to do today to be able to afford such a luxury.

I wanted to end my life, but at the same time, I knew it was kind of situational. I don't feel that way right now. I was crying, but it was the end of all times. I was angry, upset, mad, hurt, and I just couldn't deal with it.

One counselor, a long time ago, told me I grew up without all of the "emotional tools" in my toolbox, and that was exactly how it was last night. I was "missing a tool" to cope. She taught me so many of them, but that was so long ago, and I maybe I've slipped back into my old patterns, because you know what my first reaction was in our fight last night?

"Maybe we're just not compatible". Yep. I said it right away - along the lines of "let's break up". I'm back to that phase, and maybe it's because of my insecurity because we just got married.

Or MAYBE we're really just not SINCE we got married - he really has changed?

I think less than three months is not enough time to tell.

Quick Post...

I'm taking a quick break from World of Warcraft (yes, I'm a Nerd Girl as someone called me!) : ), to make an update.

I've lost 5 pounds since playing my game. It's like...I forget and don't want to eat - don't even want to stop playing to go to the bathroom. It's THAT addictive. This probably means nothing to anyone who reads my blog, but I've gone from Level 1 to 21 since Christmas Eve.

I've TRIED working from home, but now I don't work, I just play the game. I TELL myself I'm going to work, but I don't. I make little "bets" with myself - check my email, make a few calls, then I'm back online, playing the game.

Mark's brother in law's mother died a few days ago, the funeral was today, and I just couldn't bring myself to go. Mark wasn't upset at all - as a matter of fact, I think he was glad I wasn't going. I'm always saying "can we go? can we go? let's go now!", and I don't think he wanted to hear that again. So what did I do? You got it. Stayed home and played World of Warcraft.

Our wedding reception is next weekend, and I've invited *no one*. Mark's parents are throwing it, I didn't give them addresses for anyone, so basically, no one will be coming but his family. I just don't WANT IT! I want it to GO AWAY, but I'm starting to see that my constant ignoring of it isn't going to make it so. I guess I'll call a few friends and see if they can come on short notice.

That's about it.

My game playing is just the excitement of getting a new game, right? I mean, it's only been since Christmas Eve....

World of Warcraft

I feel really good, but I know I've been neglecting Mark, and work. All I do is play World of Warcraft - for HOURS and HOURS a day. I'm SO addicted. Mark has been VERY cool about it, though.

Sorry if my blog is neglected as well. It takes away from my game play. :(
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