Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Missed my Blog Anniversary!!

Oh! Another post in the same day! : )

I totally missed my 3rd blog anniversary!

My February 2008 post is, of course, below this one, and here are the rest of the anniversary posts throughout the years...(maybe February isn't such a great month for me!!)

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Maybe I really did have the flu or something. Mark is sick now, and a girl from work was out yesterday. I felt pretty good, could concentrate well, worked through lunch, stayed until almost 8:00p, and had no panic attacks or anxiety with need for Klonipin or Geoden.

Thanks for the kind comments - they mean the WORLD to me. Just when you think you're alone and without any support...someone understands what you're going through and says the kindest thing. Thanks so much.

Not having anxiety is like HEAVEN. When you've had it day after day for so long, just going one day without it is so relieving. You see you really can lead your life without pain - maybe, just maybe...if it lasts. Hopefully I'll stay anxiety free (I'm not naive enough to think it will be 100%) enough to feel "normal". You would think after missing THREE DAYS of work that my boss would give me some kind of "cold shoulder" yesterday, especially being the workaholic he is. Nope. Of course he didn't ask me how I was feeling (are you insane???) :-), but did talk about my future there when everyone else had gone home. He said he knew I didn't need the money because of Mark (that's not ALWAYS true), but I could take 5% of my deals anytime I wanted until I'm out of the "red". I basically pay my own salary, so I'm still trying to catch up to pay what I've made. Then he said he'd like to make me an Account Manager eventually, and he'd start transitioning accounts to me slowly. That's a BIG thing for him to say. He's very protective of his accounts. I wonder why I would be OUT 3 days and then he would say that. Maybe he's thinks I'm not motivated since I was out so many days, and is trying to do that now. It has nothing to do with motivation, although I get sick to death of work. But I was S-I-C-K, whether is was psychological or physical, which really, it doesn't matter. They are both physicial, and either way, I couldn't have gone to work.

I realized, whether I had the flu or not, that I'm bipolar, and if that means being out 3 days of work, then that's what it's come down to now. I can't help that anymore than I could if I DID have the flu severely (if I didn't). I felt so bad that it didn't matter if I had a job or not - I simply could not go in. I need to face the facts and not be so hard on myself when I can't perform like "everyone else". I take great pride in being able to work like a "normal" person, and even outwork and over-perform other people who aren't bipolar. I simply need to stop expecting that out of myself. It isn't realistic. I need to be satisfied with being "okay", like I always tell myself. Being "okay" is so much more than just "being okay" sounds. It's something that's attainable and a goal I should strive for daily. Being great is, well...stellar. "Being okay" is something I should protect and guard closely, because if I'm not careful, I could wind up in the hospital again. I see in my blog where I was LONGING to go to the psych ward now.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I thought I was doing better today. I wasn't thinking of Cody every single second at work today. And then driving home, I started thinking about him and started to cry, and by the time I got home, and saw Mark wasn't already here, and opened the door without Cody to greet me, I started really crying. The house is so empty and alone without Cody. It's so quiet without him. I'm so lonely without Cody. I keep thinking horrible thoughts, like - how can they just incinerate my beautiful Cody's body? Who throws him callously into the incinerator, like he was nothing? He was my DOG, my PET, my COMPANION. I loved him so much. I didn't realize all of the unspoken routines I had with Cody. I thought I heard a sound by the bathroom door this morning and instinctively looked to see if it was Cody wanting into the bathroom, and after turning my head to see, I remembered oh...Cody's gone. Cody died. Cody's.....dead. That sounds so horrible. I never thought Cody would be "dead". I wasn't prepared. He didn't have a long illness that prepared me. 24 hours after taking him to the hospital, he died. I just don't understand it all. What happened? What killed him? What was the growth? What caused the infections, and what caused them to spill out of the "pockets"? Why did the growth double? Was it the Science Diet Advanced Formula that I gave him? Was it the Metacam that I gave him? I never really got to say goodbye to Cody. I made sure to pet him on the head this time, though, and say goodbye Cody, in case it was the last time I ever saw him. I'll never forget him bearing himself down so hard on that tile floor and breathing so loudly against it that I could hear him. He must have been in a lot of pain. And he sat out in the backyard for hours, why did we let him do that? That isn't normal for Cody - to sit outside for so long without barking and being made to come inside. And we had sex during that time, all on Cody's last day with us. We didn't even spend any time with Cody on his last day with us.

I can't stand being in this house all by myself without him. Everything reminds me of him. This is really hard. I thought I was okay when I was at work today, but now I realize I'm not okay. I wonder how long it will take before I can come home again and not think about Cody.

FIRST BLOG ENTRY!! February 12th, 2005:

Okay, so I don't really live in Kansas, I live in a southern state. But I lived in Kansas until I was 19, and I still consider that home. Not that I go around telling people. Not that this state is any better.

I'll dive right in. I worked for a large consulting firm until I was fired for not calling into work. I used to have horrible migraine headaches until I was fired, and it was a miracle - they went away! So now I know why I had them. I was unemployed for over a year, but I went to school for half of that time, studying to be an Interior Designer.

I live with my fiance, and he was working and paying the bills, which I deeply appreciated then and now. Our house payment is HUGE (said in the Donald Trump way...YOUGE).Now I have a new job. I had been interviewing and hiring people a lot at the consulting firm, so I thought, why not be a recruiter? I had no idea how different it really was. I went on interviews for seven months, first of all. Finding jobs and interviewing is a full time job, I found. But I must have done something right, because I would have 3 or so interviews a week. Not that I got any of the jobs - I was considered "very junior". Heck, I'd NEVER recruited, and pretended I had. They slowly "trained" me little by little on each interview I went on.

On a fluke, I sent a bunch of emails out to recruiting companies in the phone book, and got very favorable responses. One response was from a firm that was really laid back, and said to come in and interview. Well, I had an interview with one company with a "Jennifer" on a particular day and time. I checked my email, searched for "Jennifer", called her for directions for my interview in less than two hours, and said I'd see her in less than two hours, and she said okay. I went to the WRONG Jennifer's interview. I just happened to notice on one of my emails a different .com's name, and asked the front desk for that name when I couldn't find the original name, and assumed it was a start-up company. So I interviewed - still thinking it was another company - it went well - and then she said I should meet the other recruiters. Good, right? So we set a day/time, and then I tried to go back on my lithium (oh yeah, I'm bipolar), and it made me sick, so I postponed. Then when I went, I said my dog needed medicine. What a dumb lie. But she hired me a few weeks later, after making the "numbers work".But now I'm in a job that requires me to recruit AND to sell. I didn't realize what I was getting into. Finding new business is really tough. I don't know if I can do it. It's been 3 weeks now - minus the two days I had the flu - and I haven't made a job placement. During my interviews, people said it would take around 2-3 months to make my first one, but does this company believe that, too? I don't have anyone calling me back. Well sort of, but not really. It's really, really hard, and the other people have been there forever or have business from someone else. I feel so incompetent yet I'm working my butt off. Thank God I have a salary, although it's a "draw". I think about this job constantly, how I'm going to improve it, what I'm going to do next, how to make my days more productive, what goals I'm going to set for myself, how I'm going to find job leads, it's really hard. With jobs, I'm such a perfectionist - I have to be an excellent performer, and I know I've been there only three weeks and really no one is helping me, but still. You know? Okay, I know, stop being obsessive. But it's all I think about.

I'm doing okay with the housework, I think? I'm doing laundry right now (on Saturday) to keep up with that at least, and I did the dishes once last week (which is good for me, but we eat out a lot). When I was fired, I used to actually try to make my own pizza dough from scratch - you know, with flour, etc., and make pizza, and now it's frozen or ordered. But that happened once I started a job. I would get up and fix my fiance breakfast every single morning before he went to work. It lasted a few months, I think, and then I don't know what happened. Maybe I was "manic" or something, who knows. But women do it all the time, right? Get up and fix breakfast for their family? Why can't I get my butt out of bed and make breakfast - at least when I didn't have a job? Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. So unproductive. So opinionated and passionate, yet I do nothing about it. Like politics - I'm SO opinionated, but why am I not this huge activist? I once emailed every single U.S. Ambassador about the war in Iraq, but that's about where my activism ends. I WANT to volunteer and help abused children, but do I? No. I just say I want to all the time. Ah well, nothing else left to say, except more obession about the job. That's about it for now. Over and out. (How dorky - I don't know what else to say). Thanks for listening, my dear, sweet blog. (Better, yes?)

Bad Me for not Posting!

I haven't posted in awhile (bad me!), and plan on posting regularly again.

I work from home every day now, and I don't know that it's very good for me. I don't always shower every day, I don't put in my contacts, I never do my hair, I wear sweats and a t-shirt, most of the time without a bra, I could go on and on. I'm just DISGUSTING!! How Mark puts up with it, I don't know.

I think part of it has to do with not being able to fit into most of my clothes now. I've put on some pounds since increasing my Abilify, stopping Phentermine, and when I increased my Seroquel from 100mg to 200mg (I'm back down to 100mg). I just feel DISGUSTING overall. I haven't had my hair highlighted/cut since October, even!!

All I have to do is go to Ann Taylor's and buy some new clothes and get my hair highlighted/cut, and I will feel like a new person again. I have $1700 in my "personal account", and that's more than enough to make me feel like a "new woman".

Maybe I'll even go into the office (although it's 28 miles away, and at least an hour's drive). I have a friend, sort of, that works there on Mondays - Wednesdays, so I'd get some social interaction. The only person I see or talk to nowadays is Mark!

Bipolar Girl and Older Woman from my last job are so MAD AT ME! I haven't responded to their emails or calls in the past 2 months, and they are pissed! I tried to tell them that I was busy with my job and engrossed in a computer game, and they didn't believe me, so I kind of - well, I DID, blow them off. I haven't read Bipolar's last email when I started reading it and saw it was "hostile". I just clicked out of it after the first sentence.

I'm so addicted to World of Warcraft, and guess who's just as addicted now? Mark. He decided to "try my hobby", and was looking at the strategy guide as well which peaked his interest, and he plays every chance he gets. He's actually up to Level 35! Not exactly my level 52, but you get the picture (or more than likely, you probably don't!) : )

I can't say I put in a full 8 hours of work every day because of the game. I TRY, but I get so BORED, which is why I think going into the office would be good for me. I'd be away from the game completely. Why am I not on it now? Because it's down for maintenance!

I even have pimples on my face! I keep thinking of that South Park episode where the boys played WoW for about year and got fat and a bad complexion, and wonder if that is happening to me (although I'm not eating more than I was before playing). Is it because I'm not going outside?
I don't think I have any bipolar symptoms, although yes, it sounds like I'm not "normal" right now. I'm not living life, I'm role playing through a game.

Mark is ready to move to Illinois still, and is getting a better picture of what the relo package will be, which may be really good. There's still the issue of selling the house, but he can commute back and forth until we sell it. We'd have to fix it up a bit - get new carpet where there isn't tile, paint here and there, fix our leaning tree perhaps?, but nothing major, except pick up the HUGE amounts of clutter from, GUESS WHO...ME. It's EVERYWHERE! The house is basically clean because we have maids come every two weeks, but they don't pick up the clutter. It's not "walk through a trail around the house" clutter, or anything gross, just stuff stacked up in places around the house and on counters here and there. To be honest, it would probably just take a day's hard work to clean up. And a lot of trash bags for being a pack rat. : )

I guess, from writing this post, I'm not happy with my life right now...but I'm not motivated to fix it, either. I need to be. I know what I need to do, it just seems like so much work - I'm embarrassed to get my hair done, don't want to see how fat I am by trying on clothes, or have them see a fatass walk in to the clothing store. That's how I really feel! In all fairness, it's probably not true, but it doesn't matter. If I feel disgusting, isn't that all that matters?

This is a montage from SouthPark, and I HATE the music in this video, but this is pretty true to life for WoW for me...even reading the Strategy Guide while going to the bathroom. : )

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Not Suitable

I just took 4 Seroquel (it's Saturday). I just can't, or don't want, to deal.

I'm also watching Nirvana Unplugged - not motivated to play World of Warcraft (very strange), and starting to get more obsessed with work again.

Mark has been VERY critical of me lately, or maybe he always has been and I'm just noticing it? He keeps picking on me "your sticky hands are all over the refrigerator", "the house smells like perfume because you put the broom in the pantry when you swept up the broken bottle", and on and ON AND ON. He even mimics sounds in my game in a sarcastic way.

He called me yesterday on his way to work and said he was going to make an appt with a counselor for us because I don't want to have sex, and he thinks I even make up lies about why I don't want to have it. First of all, I take a butt-load of medication before bedtime, and I'm pretty much "out of it" at night. Secondly, I don't know why not. It's not like I don't have a sex drive, I just.....I don't really know. Maybe we do need counseling. Maybe *I* need counseling.

It's like I'm just coming up for air after being submerged in my game for so long, and I realize my two friends from my previous job has been trying to contact me for at least a month, my friend from my current job has been begging me to come into work almost every day, yet I've stayed home. I've completely isolated myself, and not I feel like I'm not "suitable for public viewing".

It would take just a bit of time to suitable - a hair appointment, get my eyebrows waxed, buy a few new clothes for the 10 pounds I've gained, and that's it. I will....soon.

Just, not now. The Seroquel is kicking in.
Monday, February 04, 2008

Short Update

Guess it's been awhile since I've posted? I need to be more regimented, like I used to be, about my blog.

I'm still playing World of Warcraft - a lot. It's funny, someone at the store, when I was buying a Strategy Guide, told me to be careful, that it would "suck away my heart and soul". I wanted to say,"too late for that!".

I work from home every day (except tomorrow - my boss might be in town), and for lunch breaks, I play WoW.

Something disturbing happened to me in the game. I formed a good friendship with someone, and they sent me all of their gold and deleted their account, but not before they had created an account in a realm I do not have access to - but they deleted that one today, too. They never gave me an explanation, except for an in-game email about a week ago how the game was taking away time from his girlfriend (I'm guessing he was 16?). Yes, I know, very young and immature compared to me, but he was still my friend. I almost, well...I DO feel a void from it - like something's missing. It's that same feeling of abandonment I've always had, from a stupid game!
It's really on my mind.....

Mark wants to move to Illinois. He's asked for a relocation package, is talking about selling our house, where we'll live downtown, and on and on. He's pretty excited. Me? I can keep the same job and work in Illinois - my company has an office in the same city, and I told them from the beginning that I might be moving there. I just don't think I can work from home anymore, which is a bummer since the office isn't downtown. I don't know what to think. Part of me wants to stay in my own home, and part of me wants to move - start fresh somewhere. It's exciting thinking of moving, but sad, too.

Since I've been working from home, I rarely "get ready" to go anywhere. I stay in the same sweats, maybe bathe every other day, it's disgusting. But I have nowhere to go! And I don't want to go anywhere - I'm too FAT! I need my hair done, my nails done, you name it. Everything has gone to pot. I'm offically a slob, and Mark just keeps getting more and more handsome.

He's been running now for about 9 months, and his physique really shows it. He looks good, and trust me, he knows it. But here I am, with everything run down about me, and I don't even fit in to my own "family".

Going to work everyday (into the office) DOES have its' benefits. It forces me to take care of myself!

Guess I'd better go to bed, or play WoW, or bed, or WoW, or something....: )

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