Friday, March 28, 2008

Out With the Guys

Mark called last night from Illinois, I don't remember what time it was, drunker than a skunk. I asked him if he had done shots or something, and he said "no". He was purposely answering my questions very carefully with simple "yes" and "no" answers, so I couldn't tell he was slurring his words, but I caught on.

I called him back at 10:30, no answer on his cell. I called his room at his hotel, no answer - I left a message. He didn't call me back all night.

This morning he called at 8:00a per usual and said he just passed out he was so drunk, that his friends had ordered shots and he had too much to drink. Well, lie #1, right? He already started out on a bad foot.

I told him this was NOT the relationship I wanted. I don't mean going out with his friends ONE TIME. I mean this being a habit - when he's in Illinois, going out drinking at bars 2 times a week or so.

I THOUGHT, until last night and today, that he was just going to dinner and having a few drinks with people from work. I didn't understand this was a "guy thing" at bars until today.

He told me I didn't understand - that was the culture he was in, and they made fun of those who didn't. He was not going to be the "outsider" again like he was growing up in school. What is he, back in high school?

No, this is not the relationship I want, where one of us goes to bars regularly. I won't tolerate it, and he won't budge. He said he'd have to quit his job, as if I'm going to be responsible for that. I'd rather leave than be the cause for him quitting his position.

I don't see a compromise, and I'm pretty pissed. How do I even know he's telling me the truth, and he's actually dating a girl in Illinois? I DON'T know that. Even if he's not, I *know* what guys do at bars when they hang out and drink, and told him I wasn't an idiot. I told him they google at girls, and he said that didn't mean he did. Well did he just lie again? I thought he said he was trying to "fit in with the guys"?

He even goes so far as saying he doesn't WANT to go, he HAS to go, and don't I know he'd rather be in his hotel room playing World of Warcraft? No, I don't know that.

He said we haven't had a fight since we got married (October), so "why am I doing this?" but I don't consider this a "fight". I'm not yelling, I'm just incredibly disappointed and have told him this isn't the kind of relationship I want. Isn't that fair? To be honest? It's not like it's the FIRST TIME I've told him this. He's known this all along - that I don't like it when couples in relationships go to bars (w/o each other). All it does is invite trouble. And 2-3 times A WEEK?

Yes, I'm being very cold to him because I don't know what to do, what to say to him, how to act. He thinks I'm "punishing" him, but how? I'm not seeking retribution - if I were, I'd call up my friends and we'd start going out.

He's coming home tonight (Friday), but he's leaving again Monday after work, so I won't see him after Sunday night. Off he goes again to Illinois to drink with the guys, date his new g/f, or do whatever God knows he's doing there that I don't approve.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. We just got married....doesn't that mean anything anymore?
Thursday, March 27, 2008

Med-Time

I woke up this morning at 8:00a when Mark started calling me (over and over) from Illinois, but it was ok - I work from home and can just roll out of bed, start coffee and work. For some reason, I was INCREDIBLY tired, talked to him for a bit while I drank my first cup, and went back to bed.

I woke up at 9:30! On the East Coast, where everyone I work for lives, that's 10:30a!

I felt SO panicked, and as if i were having an "attack". I took klonipin, but to no avail. I ate leftover pizza and got some yogurt, but still...nothing.

And then I remembered - I forgot my morning meds! I took them right away - Adderall, Abilify, Buspar and Lamictal, and within 30 minutes, I felt soothed. It's amazing how missing something that I take can make me feel so anxiety-stricken.

The maids came today, and I did what I always do - hole myself up in my office while they clean, because I'm so embarrassed of how messy my house is. It's not filthy dirty because they come every two weeks, but it IS messy. They don't really do anything to help with that, though. They sort of pile things on top of each other, and that's about it. Maybe it's better than the alternative - not being able to find something.

Mark applied for a Director's position outside of his Department, but it's still in Illinois. So we'd STILL have to move. Unless there is already someone slated to get the job, I don't see why he wouldn't get it. He got the highest rating possible on his review, he is in the "succession plan" to take his boss's job if his boss leaves/takes another position/has an accident, etc, out of many Sr. Managers, and the guy that is hiring knows all of this. But...you never know. His Executive Director could go to the guy hiring and say they need Mark too much to let him leave (very possible), and that could be the end of that. If Mark ever found out, boy would he be pissed.

Mark is spending MORE and MORE time in Illinois. It will be three weeks in a row after next week, and he doesn't see it letting up anytime soon. How should I feel about this? What should I say? What should I do? So far I've been very supportive, don't complain, always home to answer the phone when he calls so he doesn't worry or suspect I'm doing no good, that sort of thing.

It's only 5:00pC, but I feel like it's a "take Seroquel night". You know, take extra Seroquel along with my nighttime meds NOW instead of wait for bedtime. I'm tired, still have a bit of anxiety, don't feel like playing WoW, and want chocolate, but we don't have any.

I guess I'll go take my meds...
Friday, March 21, 2008

Missing You

I called a man about a job he applied for on our company website today, and he had that familiar "tone" in his voice like he couldn't talk at the moment. I said, like I always do, "oh, I'm so sorry, I probably caught you at work - do you want to call me back?" and he said yes. I thought nothing of it and went on about my day.

This evening the phone rings (I work from home), I didn't recognize the number and it was about 6:30p, so it let it go to voicemail. When I listened to the message, it was that guy. I was shocked at what came out of his mouth!

He said he was sorry he couldn't talk earlier, but "you know how it is when you have a couple of police officers around you...". Uhhhh....I do? First of all, a COUPLE of police officers? What was he doing, getting arrested? Last time I checked, it only took one cop to write a ticket. Granted, he could have had a car accident, and on and on...

My job is so strange sometimes - people really do the weirdest things, especially in stressful situations, such as finding a new job, interviewing, etc. I often think...*I* am the psychiatric patient here??

Mark was SUPPOSED to be home right now, but his flight from Illinois was cancelled. Snow storm. And it's 75 degrees in Texas!!!

He wanted to stay at this particular hotel, but didn't call, and called me to make the reservation instead. I was like "whatever", looked up the number on the Internet, and reserved a room for him. We had thought with the snowstorm all day and the flight cancellations, the hotel would be booked for sure.

The hotel is connected directly to the airport, so he was there within minutes checking in, listening to them tell people they had no rooms available. He said he knew if HE called the hotel, he'd never get a room, but if *I* called, I'd get one without a problem. It's true - I did, and it always works that way. He could call about something like that, get rejected, I could pick the phone up right after him, do the exact same thing, and get what I wanted. It boggles my mind they turn people away when they actually have rooms available. He said a family with small children in front of him tried to check in and were turned away.

He'll be gone in Illinois ALL of next week, and ALL of the week after that. I already miss him, and now he'll just be home tomorrow night, Easter, and then gone again. I try to be supportive, but told him he might as well be working for a consulting company, traveling 100%. He agreed. I don't gripe or complain, just tell him how much I miss him. And I don't fight with him when he's gone - that would be bad. I know he hates it, so I try to make it as easy as I can on him emotionally - what else can I do? I feel bad for him! But I feel bad for me too...just not as bad as I feel for him being gone from home so often when I know he hates it.

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

Well expect me to be calling you to see
if you're okay when I'm not around
Askin' if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile
To make a smile

Well I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe, you actually picked me

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Down to 5mg of Abilify

I'm back in the land of the living!

For the past few days, I haven't been obsessed with World of Warcraft, and have hardly played it. It's so noticeable, that my online friend asked me where I'd been. I just said I'd been busy with work, because it's the truth!

My new obsession is work! And since I can work from home...that's not exactly a good thing.

What changed? I *think* this is what did it, because the change is so dramatic.

I cut my Abilify that I take once a day in half. They're 10 mg tablets, and I just break them into two pieces. The results have been nothing short of a miracle.

No longer obsessed with World of Warcraft.
Lost 3 pounds, and barely have an appetite.
Actually working 8 hours a day - and probably a few hours more, which is better than the 5-6 I was working to "sneak" in WoW playing time.

I've found, since I've cut the Abilify in half, that it TREMENDOUSLY affected my concentration on the full dosage. I am so much more productive when I work. I don't get so distracted or stare off into space, even though I take Adderall!

Instead of gaining weight, slowly but surely, I'm now (at least for the past week) going back down the scale. That is, when I take my Seroquel and jump into bed before it "hits" and I have SNACK ATTACK!

I'm actually typing a blog entry! Yay for me! My blog is very important to me - to capture my moods, feelings, events, etc., so I can reflect back on any triggers or identify a depression or mania.

In the beginning, Mark accused me of being depressed. See, the change was so drastic that even my MUSIC preference was different. I started listening to 90's Alternative (not so upbeat, to say the least). You know, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, etc. etc. I would pull up the songs/videos on YouTube with him sitting beside me and watch/listen, and he would comment. I would tell him I was NOT depressed, but I can't explain my music preference at the moment.

We had over 4 inches of rain two days ago, and the ledges above the windows (the actual painted sheet rock part) started leaking water. Not through the seals of the windows, through the actual upper ledge. I didn't notice it when I was home because the rain was SO HARD against those windows that I didn't hear the dripping down the blinds and against the bottom ledge of the windows. Mark walked in the door, and it's the first thing he noticed. The carpet was soaked, some of the paint had come off one of the bottom ledges of the windows - it was pretty bad, actually. We've only been in this house for 4 years!!

Speaking of....his place of employment still hasn't told him what the relo package to Illinois will be. Supposedly it has been approved and "funded", whatever that means, so why the hell don't they just tell him so he can accept or turn down? Where he works is just SO MESSED UP, but he could just be telling me the bad parts and omitting the good.

I have a really nasty headache - from the weather change and rain the other day, I think, and hope to be rid of it by tomorrow. It's a sinus headache, the worst.

I don't think it's because of cutting the Abilify in half, is it?
Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Not Good Enough

I got up early this morning to play my game, and it's down for maintenance! Grrr! It will be good for my job, because I won't be sneaking in World of Warcraft time every two hours or so.

Mark just started playing World of Warcraft, and he's just as addicted as I am! As a matter of fact, he took BOTH laptops (his home and his office) work computers with him to Illinois so he could play in his hotel. How's THAT for addicted?

I don't even want to think about the last time I showered, or even brushed my teeth. It all seems so pointless when I work from home, and now Mark is gone. It's just me, but I intend to do so today as I am pretty disgusting to myself right now.

I turn 40 in August, and am having a HUGE problem coping with it. Mark said it's as if I'm 26 in spirit, and I know he's right. I'm not saying that to make myself feel better, it's really true. He's SO much more mature than I am, and he's only going to be 31 (32?) in May. I don't do the normal 40 year old stuff. But what is normal 40 year old stuff? I have NO CLUE. Read Redbook magazine? I read InSytle, which probably women of all ages read. Is he saying I'm 26 in spirit to make HIMSELF feel better, or ME feel better?

My friend is turning 40 this month, and they are *celebrating* by going to Vegas. Her husband is older than her, though, and to me, that makes a BIG difference. It's so opposite of what we'll be doing. I will not want to face it, and will want it to come and go without any fanfare whatsoever. I *do* want a "milestone" gift, however. There's nothing wrong with my watch - as a matter of fact, it's a Raymond Weil and was about $1500. But I want a Rolex (I bought Mark one about 7 years ago) and it's my 40th birthday, so I think I should get one. I have no idea how Mark feels about this, but have already put in "my order". I'll have to pick it out, of course. Now THAT would make me able to face my birthday a bit better.

I don't think I'll be able to go to the pool every weekend like I did last summer. I just can NOT be seen in a swimsuit! Mark is all "buffed," from working out every morning and is excited about it now, but I've noticed changes in my body, and not for the better. It could just be from gaining weight. Last year I wore a bikini - not this year!!!

Since he's all "buffed", he looks really good and it makes me feel even worse about myself. I think..."what is he doing with me?". I know I've gone through all of this before, but he does all of the chores around the house (that the maids don't do), I'm a slob, I'm bipolar and he knows it, taking gobs of medication every day, and I really don't see why he stays with me. Yes, I know I have low self esteem right now. He seems to love me just the same no matter what. And he feels VERY strongly about the covenant of marriage - I don't think he would ever leave because of that unless I cheated on him, which I would never do. He's so good to me, yet here I sit, ignoring him playing my game when he's home with him saying things to see if I'm listening to him like "apple pie" randomly, wondering if I'll look up wondering if I'm listening to him at all. A lot of the times, I'm not, but I can repeat what he's said - isn't that horrible?

What a whiny post - sorry. I need to get to work (upstairs in my office, haha). If I can't whine and be honest in my blog, where can I do it? That's the whole PURPOSE of my blog (not to be whiny, but to record how I feel and what I'm thinking). : )

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memory seeps through my veins

Let me be empty, weightless
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight

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