Monday, April 21, 2008

My "Online Friend"

My "online friend" asked me last night if I would be mad if he left the game for a week, then changed it to a few days. I asked why - and he said everyone was asking, even his daughter, when he was going to get a girlfriend. He was playing World of Warcraft all the time, every second he had off from work.

He asked if it was bad if online friends came before real life friends. I don't know, that's kind of how it's become for me - and he was #1. WAS. I have to admit, it hurts that he can just toss it away. He got to the top level - 70, so there's no reason for him to keep playing the game as obsessively.

He also said I was married, so that wasn't an option (I guess for a girlfriend, but he lives in Canada and I live in TX, so not sure where he was going with that).

It is BOTHERING me AGAIN, like in my previous post. We talked ALL the TIME. And he's doing this ON PURPOSE. To get distance!

Maybe I need distance, too - to gain some reality into this online relationship (friends). It's probably the best thing for me, but it still hurts. A lot. I didn't DO anything!

I did send him an email (I have his email address - he sent me pictures of himself and his daughter, but no, I did not send him any back), very brief, saying that I hoped it wasn't because of me he was stopping the game for now, but I felt like it was. I also said that I needed to tell him something, because I do. I never dreamed we would become this close of friends and told him I was 22. Now I have to create a website for our "guild" and put up real life pictures of myself, and he'll know. I have to tell him, and he thinks it's strange I haven't shared any pics already.

I mean, it's a game, you get to be who you want to be, it's not supposed to turn out this way. Someone isn't supposed to desert you because you get too close (I'm assuming that's the reason, since he asked me if I'd be mad and how I'd feel), and you shouldn't have to reveal your true anything in a "role playing game".

I'm hurt and confused, and keep checking my email.

I'm still drowning at work. Maybe I need a new job.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I'm SO BOTHERED!!!!

This is REALLY bothering me! Like...OCD, bipolar, can't stop thinking about it or get it off your brain type of thing!

I think I mentioned in my last post that I made a really good online friend in my game - a single dad in Canada. I think last night we may have "shared" too much, and I feel very judgemental and want to sort it out, but can't, because we're never online at the same time! Yet, what would I say? I have no right to say anything. There's nothing TO say - either I accept it, or I don't, and if I don't, why not? Who cares? It's a GAME.

It all comes down to this. He mentioned that his little girl was going to spend the night at a friend's house, and I joked he should have a party. So...for some unbeknownst reason to me, he confided that before World of Warcraft, he would have been on the phone so fast calling a girl to come over. I don't care about that part - it's good he's not lonely. What he said NEXT is what still BOTHERS me.

I might have pushed with questions, I'm very good at that, I don't remember. But the result of it all is this: he finds it easier to just call a girl for..well, I'll just put it bluntly: for sex, than to have a girlfriend and have to "wine and dine" someone. The word "sex" never came up, but it was pretty clear.

I asked him..."so you mean you know girls that ACTUALLY are fine with 'booty calls', knowing that's the only reason you're calling, and that's all it will be?", and he said "Well MAYBE they think there could be a POSSIBILITY....".

That was it for me. I was pissed. He said he hoped it didn't change the way I felt about him, and I said of course not, but it did, and it has. In a way, I feel like *I* have been "had". Is he even my "real" friend, or is he using me, too? haha "real" friend...is an online friend a "real friend"? He knows I'm married, live in Texas, what I do for a living, maybe a few more details, and that's about it. Other than that, it's all about the game.

WHY does this BOTHER me SO MUCH? I mean, I can't stop thinking about it! And I can't stop wondering WHY he said it? Did he think we were getting too close and that was his way of pushing me away? Because I can't see saying that to a girl as bringing them closer.

So today, I checked his Facebook page, and looked to see who his "friends" were. My God! He really IS a player! Over 300 friends, all girls in their 20's, I'd say - blonde hair, pretty much all looked the same, lived in around his area. Did he seek them out, day after day, on Facebook and invite them to be his friend, pushing for more? Gag - I just can't think of that.

Does it sound like I'm jealous? It feels like it, but really....it feels more like...I want vindication. Perhaps I had a boyfriend in the past (and I've had some losers) who "drunk dialed" me, and I just feel for these girls that he calls "on a whim" without caring about their feelings, just his physical needs.

That's NOT who I thought he was at all. I thought he was a caring, loving father, worked hard, blah blah. I don't even want to say hello to him if/when he comes online again, but I *always* say hello first, so for me not to do it would be WEIRD.

Should I just stop playing the game? If I can't handle the social aspect of it, maybe I shouldn't play at all. This is TOTALLY not worth it, yet....I'm sucked in now.

I know if I give it a few days, TOTALLY CUT OFF from the game, I'll feel SO much better. But I can't stop playing. I just need some distance right now. But I have to pretend everything is "okay", or things will be uncomfortable.

Work. I'm buried. I hope I don't get fired. Not much more to say than that.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Bad Seroquel Trip!

This is going to sound weird, but last Saturday night, I had a "bad Seroquel trip".

I was feeling "antsy", so I took 400mg of Seroquel at about 6:30p, thinking I'd go right to bed. I didn't. I kept playing my video game, and got a bit "out of it" a few hours later. Mark caught on when I was slurring my words, and I decided to go to bed.

I started seeing things, like I could have sworn someone was in the bedroom, and screamed at Mark to come upstairs and check it out. He did, and examined the adjacent bathroom as well, and found nothing. I was petrified! I was hearing voices, and finally closed my eyes. I can only explain what happened as my brain having serious mental (not physical) "zaps" of thought - like someone constantly - every two seconds, turning the dial on a very loud old-timey radio. It was like constant "flashes" of brain zaps - so HARD to explain! I could comprehend what each 1-2 second brain zap meant before it moved on to the next, and it was FREAKY. I was so scared to let myself go to sleep.

The next morning, I had so many dreams that I still am trying to figure out what is "real" and what was only a "dream". It was so life-like, and I don't understand why I'm still having trouble comprehending the difference, but MUCH less so than the next few days after my "bad Seroquel trip".

This has never happened to me before, and I don't know what caused it.

I am SO OVERWHELMED at work! I can't keep up. I'm waiting for them to let me go. My own Hiring Managers are starting to find their own candidates, and I think they've requested access to Monster as well. I have so many administrative duties that I don't get a chance to search for candidates, and now we can't use agencies! I am seriously screwed. I don't know what to do. I am really freaking out over my job.

I still stay at home to work, and it may not be that healthy mentally for me. I shower about every other day, I haven't had my hair colored/cut since before I got married (October), and I need to buy clothes because I've gained weight. I just wear sweats and a t-shirt every day. I think I disgust Mark, or maybe I disgust myself and assume I disgust Mark. I need to have my eyebrows waxed, I could go on and on. What do I do instead? Play my stupid game, but I'm almost at the top level (I'm Level 65, and it goes to Level 70), and assume that once I'm there, I'll play much less.

I've made a new good online friend in my game (World of Warcraft). He's a single father in Canada, and is SO NICE! It's really strange how you can develop such friendly relationships with people online, but he's such a good guy. I don't like him in THAT way, just in a real friend way, although I try to keep it as autonomous as possible. I know it's just a game, but I get really involved in the PEOPLE aspect of it. Mark plays the game too, and he has managed to make NO friends in the game, even though he's now up to the same level as I am. I probably have 10 or 20, but I kind of wish I was more like him. Having friends online slows down your game play quite a bit.

That's about it - I really just wanted to record my bad experience with Seroquel...
Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Nerd!

I'm definitely sure Mark understands how I feel and what I think about him going out to drink 2 times a week when he's traveling in Illinois now. He's tried to console me into the fact that the men are older, they go to "stuffy and pretentious places", not meat markets, etc. However - we'll see what the future holds. I do NOT want to forbid him from going out with his work friends when he's in Illinois, and just has an empty hotel room to return to after work. He said that's not the case (not wanting to go to an empty hotel room), but I don't know that it would be so healthy being stuck all alone night after night. The next step is his - we'll see what he does. I've already attended one of the "outings" with them when they were in Texas (but women were there, too) so the guys he goes out with could show me how harmless it was, but I'm still not happy about it. He gets to his hotel room usually around 9-9:30p - is that really such a big deal? I don't know. We had a blowout about it - I was barely speaking to him when he got home from Illinois Friday night, even though he had to leave Sunday at 11a.

I've decided since he goes on his little "outings", there's no reason for me to answer the phone right away when I'm in a "dungeon" playing World of Warcraft and interrupt my play, making 4 other players wait on me, when he calls. Or try to juggle the phone, not able to give it my full attention. I just let it ring and ring until I can call him back. He seems understanding enough, but he DOES call over and over....

I can't say we're getting along badly, though. For the most part, everything is okay, for now.

I have to be at work tomorrow by 8:00a, and I'm used to waking up at 8:00a!!! My Sr. Manager will be in TX tomorrow and has scheduled a meeting with me at 8:30a, my drive to the office takes at LEAST an hour, so I'll have to be up by 5:00 - 5:30a. OMG. Maybe I'll try to cut my Seroquel in half for tonight. Not getting enough sleep and making to work is MUCH better than not making it all.

I don't understand it, I cut my Abilify in half, and I'm not losing weight anymore. Maybe I need to cut down on Seroquel, too. I do notice that I have to take klonipin just about every day for anxiety now, and I blame that on POSSIBLY Abilify (but probably not), and going down from 200mg of Seroquel to 100mg of Seroquel at night (will definitely increase my anxiety).

At work, since I work from home, I NEVER feel like I work hard enough. I always have too much to do, and it feels like I just don't do as much as I could. Granted, I could be in the office where I'm constantly interrupted by social interactions, so maybe I get done more than I think I do?

I'm getting WAY too involved in my "guild" on World of Warcraft. It's a group joined together (at will) to help each other in any way. I think there's over 100 in my guild. They're planning a "coup". I'm SUCH a nerd now, that I actually have a headset and talk to them by voice! I've been awfully nerdy before, but never THIS nerdy.

Well, better get back to work....:(

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