Friday, May 30, 2008

Keeping Dance Card Full...

I did get an email from my old, dear friend from my previous job, saying she could tell I really needed to talk, and gave me her home numbers again, as I told her I didn't have them anymore. She said she was always there for me, which means a lot because I haven't been there for anyone in many months. Maybe I'll go hang out with her this weekend.

As today is Friday, I need to somehow keep my weekend FULL so my temptation to log onto World of Warcraft won't be engaged. I don't trust that Mark and I will be doing something every second of each day, so perhaps scheduling something with my friend might not be a bad idea. That is, if she doesn't already have plans. Also, Mark plays World of Warcraft, and that makes it even more tempting to play, but I don't want to tell him I've banned myself from playing, therefore making him feel he can't play either. That would be so unfair of me, when he is able to keep his playing in check.

Speaking of Mark, I'm kind of mad at him. He had a retirement party to go to after work last night, and then called around 8:30 or so, saying they only had snacks, and a few of them were hungry for a meal. He asked if it was okay if they went to dinner, and even asked if I wanted to come (of course I'm sure he knew I would say no). I was heavily drugged on Seroquel, so the details are a bit fuzzy, but I do remember that.

I woke up STARVING because I had only eaten breakfast yesterday, and at 1:00 -1:30a, Mark comes walking in the door. I remember saying "who has dinner until 1:00a?", and the fact that he smelled like liquor. As strong as the smell was, he totally could have gotten a DWI, but I was too out of it to analyze his actions. When his boss from Illinois comes to Texas, they all go out drinking. His boss is just like that, and it PISSES ME OFF! I'm not jealous because I want to do it, I just think that married couples shouldn't be going to bars without each other. And did he even call to tell me he was going to be late? NO! If I hadn't taken my Seroquel, I would have expected him home around 10:00 - 10:30.

Just what I do NOT need when I am trying to "kick the habit" of an online game addiction. Now that I'm writing about it, I am REALLY PISSED. I didn't realize how mad I was.

As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to call him this very instant....

Shuffling Along

At this very moment, I feel like logging in to World of Warcraft (not too strongly, though) to play for the FUN of it, and not the socialization part. I haven't felt that way in forever.

However, a big part of myself won't allow me to logon. My brain can't even "trick" itself like it usually does in some form to logon, even for a few minutes.

I'm still thinking in terms of "the next time I logon" instead of never logging on again, but I'm trying to take it day by day. I just know that I won't, at least I'll try, to not log on TODAY. Isn't that how people with addictions are taught to do? Take it one day at a time so it's not so overwhelming?

It feels good not to think about and worry about what my online friend might be thinking and doing, because I'm just not there to care. I'm sure he's wondering where I am, but at this moment, I don't care.

I reached out to an old friend yesterday, apologizing for being such a horrible friend these last few months, saying I'd love to get together, how I'd been addicted to a game, and how much I missed her. She said I should know that she would always be there for me, and asked me to call her around 6:00p last night. Well, Mark was going to a retirement party after work last night and I was going to be home alone, and REALLY didn't want the temptation to logon to WoW. I took 400mg of Seroquel so I'd go to bed right after I was doing working and asked if I could call her tomorrow (which is today). I don't know if she's responded - I haven't checked my work email yet. Was that rude of me? I want to start hanging out with her - with ANYONE - to keep myself from getting bored and logging in to that stupid game!

Work is crazy busy again - good thing I'm not playing WoW. However, yesterday I just sat there and stared at the computer screen, thinking about WoW all day. The withdrawal effects are THAT BAD. I do seem better today.

We'll find out - going to work now. And it's been 38 hours since I've played WoW? I think?
Thursday, May 29, 2008

18 Hours...

Well, it's now been 18 hours since I've played World of Warcraft, 2 hours since my last post (haha). I keep running to the bathroom because my stomach is in knots, but I just took some klonipin and I think it's getting better.

I'm probably working harder today than I normally am, although I did curl up in the fetus position in bed for awhile. It's ALL I think about. I find myself staring in space, just thinking about the game. Not really the GAME, but the actual PEOPLE in the game. What will they think about me disappearing? What if I start playing again after going on a "hiatus"? Mostly, what will my online friend do or think when I don't logon? I think *that* is the driving force to keep me from logging on. Him, and the way he makes me feel. Yucky. I can't and won't let myself logon because of him. I'm tired of the rollercoaster ride that has become part of the game, and I absolutely hate the time we're online together, yet I can't make myself logoff when we're online together, either. The game, and perhaps my relationship with him, are both addictions that I need to overcome.

My palms are actually sweaty, my heart is racing, and it hasn't even been 24 hours!!! It DOES get better as time goes by, not worse, right?

First 24 Hours...

It's now been over 16 hours since I played World of Warcraft. I can't get my mind to stop thinking "when I log on to WoW again...", instead of thinking I'm not ever logging on again. I think about what everyone will say to me about my absense, etc. It's like I have it in my brain that I'm going to stay out of it for a week, and then log back on. Maybe it's not such a bad idea to "trick" myself like that, because if I let a week go by without playing WoW, then maybe I won't want to logon again at all?

ANYTHING that I do that is not WoW related, I do. If that means sleeping, then I sleep. Watching television, then I do that. I tried SO HARD to watch television last night, but it was very difficult to concentrate when I was thinking about WoW so much. It had only been a few hours since I had logged on! It was SO much more difficult with Mark playing right next to me, making comments about the game. I noticed he played a lot less without me playing. I don't know if it was out of courtesy or he just liked the attention.

I still feel very anxious about not playing, but I know I can do this. My mind is ALWAYS thinking about playing, but I don't think (hope) I will actually allow myself to log back on. I would have to majorly trick myself somehow. Besides, if I can just last until 6:30p tonight, that will be 24 hours, and I can't even remember when I've gone that long without playing...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008

No Clue

I want to stop playing World of Warcraft. It's not that easy. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and so anxious thinking about it. My whole world has been based on that game since December and that stupid decision I made to buy it and determination to understand and play it. It suddenly became this whole SOCIAL thing that I can't shake. With real feelings and friendships, and it's just bizarre. I want it all to end. I wish Mark didn't play WoW now - it will be that much harder for me. I think I will probably have to go "cold turkey". I can't just be a casual player - I'll get dragged in to the whole drama that is the game.

I need a break. Putting time and space between my online friend and myself - I mean, REAL time and space where I can't even see his name or the game could only be healing for me.

I can't even say I have that much fun playing anymore?

Is it like a band-aid when you yank it off? Will it feel like that? Or will the feelings be more long lasting?

I actually had something planned right at this very moment with several other players that they may be disappointed that I am not there to play with them, and may not be able to have the event at all because I'm not there, but when is the right time to stop playing? Should I logon just for that? When does it end? What responsibility do I even have to these people?

I guess what really got to me was my online friend telling another online girl friend of mine all about himself for no apparent reason? She didn't even understand it. I just don't need to feel weird about everything and I don't LIKE HOW I FEEL! I could cry, I feel anxious, I feel stupid, I feel like an idiot, I don't know WHAT I've been doing these last few months!

Where have I been? Where's reality? Right now, I don't even WANT to logon and feel that FEELING again. But NOT logging on makes me sick. It's so strange, and I can't even explain it.

I have no idea what I'll do with my time - watch television, I guess. Surf the internet, watch videos on youtube, find a hobby.

I have no clue.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Alone

I feel so alone and hurt, with no one to reach out to right now. My online friend and I are hardly speaking, but not exactly mad at each other. That's just how it's evolved. Mark said things to me over the weekend that hurt me, and I don't feel that I can reach out to him either. He asked me why I was so quiet this morning, and I didn't realize I was. I just didn't feel like talking to him. Why act chipper and happy when I'm not?

I want to cry, but at the same time, don't want to start. I don't really have a reason to cry, except I feel....abandoned emotionally. Who do I turn to? I have no one. I guess I've isolated myself to this point. I work from home, so I don't have any close friends. All of my friends have come from work the past 10-15 years, and without going into the office every day, I now have no one.

Do I quit my job and get one that forces me to go into the office every day? Or do I just keep the one I have now and force myself to go into the office several days a week?

I really don't know the answer to my problems and the way I feel.

I just want to cry and cry. I guess God answered my prayer when I asked him to help me with my "online friend" - I didn't expect it would hurt, though. I thought I would have strength to see me through it, but I guess I must or I wouldn't be able to do it.

I sure didn't expect to feel isolated from Mark at the same time, though. I could tell him how I feel about the things he said over the weekend, but in the end, does it really matter? He still said the things he said, and that's what he thinks of me.

I don't think I'm such an incompetent person at all. I think he's wrong about me. No, he didn't use those words, but he might as well have.

What do have to say to someone who has told me that time and again?

Frustration

After a couple of days of my online friend being buried in playing a new character he created, I got tired of trying to talk to him (as a friend). I even deleted him from my "friends list", meaning I wouldn't know when he came off/online to say hello to him, on either character. That was driving me insane!

It took maybe a day of that for him to be a typical (sorry) male and ask what was wrong, even saying I probably found another "boy toy", asking if he was still my "favorite", did I "miss him", etc. I asked what was wrong with him, if he was feeling jealous or something, and he said yes? I kept saying are you SERIOUS? And each time he responded, he kept saying he was. I was dumbfounded. When I was trying to talk to him, it seemed like he didn't have time, yet when I stopped, he rushed in to find out why? I HATE games. The way it ended last night was he, of course, was buried in his new character when I needed him, and when he was finished and it was too late, he was trying to be super nice. I just didn't respond to him. I was too tired of the "back and forth" game. He had apologized for not being able to be there to help my character before the whole thing happened, but I don't know. I was just tired of the whole situation. I'm mad that my feelings could be wrapped so tightly around someone online and what they may or may not do, and am really pushing hard to get away from it. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Lately, I've been more so than not.

Mark did NOT make it clear that he wanted to do something this weekend, and then got mad when we didn't go out. We did go out for dinner once, but that was it. That's actually a big step in a positive direction for me, even though it was a holiday weekend. He didn't say "so and so is playing at 4:30", never anything like that. He might have pointed out the name of a movie on a soda can - what does that really mean? So last night he got mad that we didn't go anywhere all weekend, that I "made" him sit at home the whole time. That's SO not fair. I didn't MAKE him do anything, nor did he ASK to do anything. Why am I the entertainment director? I always have been the one who gets us out of the house, and I don't know why. I guess it's because he's such an admitted introvert.

His solution to the problem? To pick at me, like he's done before. All of the flaws he sees in me, he points out, admittedly because he's mad. So I'll tell him to stop and say "why don't you just say why you're mad instead?" and then he'll finally get it out. But to say all of those mean things in the first place...why? One thing he said was that I sit at home and collect welfare checks instead of working. In those words. Like I don't work from home? What is he trying to imply? I don't take money from the government, but from my employer? It was only said to hurt. That's only ONE thing of many he said. He just sees me as so incompetent that it really does hurt my feelings - I'm not that useless. I really COULD make it on my own if I had to for whatever reason. He says things like "I don't want children because I'm not ready to be a single father". Now THAT hurts. Saying I wouldn't be a good mother? Or even there for my child, that only he would be the responsible one? So I'll come back and say "if you want children, then why don't you find another girl?" and he'll say "if children were important to me, I might, but they're not". How am I supposed to take that??? I take it in silence...I just don't say anything at all, and try to fight back the tears.

Maybe I just feel frustrated in general, since everyone seems to have upset me lately. Only...they don't KNOW they have. I haven't spoken out and said so, or at least said why.

I still feel tired. Maybe I'll go back to bed before I start working since it's not even 6:30a yet.
Thursday, May 22, 2008

Small Changes

It's weird...it's like, suddenly...there's hardly anything there with my online friend. I talked to him today, but...it just wasn't the same. I wasn't upset or anything, my stomach wasn't doing flip flops, and I was almost bored. I'm pretty sure he feels the same. Why suddenly?

I don't feel like there's anything much left to do with my character in the game, either. At least, nothing fun. I could create a new one, but that's a lot of work. Most people create an "alt", but that's never appealed to me. To be honest, my "role" that I play in "dungeons", I don't even like. It's too stressful, and I don't have any fun. What I do is a necessity in every group so I get asked constantly to do it, but I hate it. Why keep doing something that is so stressful and that I hate? And keep working on a character whose role is to do that?

I told Mark on the phone that I wanted to go out more, like tomorrow night, Friday night, our normal night when go out that I've been missing for the last few months. I don't think he believes me just yet. I also told him I wanted to go to the movies, and maybe to the mall. I have about $3000 in my 'spending account" now, so I can go wild with clothes and hair if I want, and trust me, I NEED to do it.

I'm starting to work harder at work - keeping a balance between game and work is still difficult, maybe because I HATE my job so much, but I'm working on it. I was just now sending out an email, and it's 6:00p. I know that HE is online right now, planning on going to bed early, yet I logged off knowing this. HE even said that I needed to start getting out, probably because I told him that my friends had been complaining. What does he know, though? It actually pissed me off that he would get into my personal life like that and give me advice. HE should get a girlfriend. Maybe he has one, who knows? I guess he could even be married?

I dunno, right this VERY SECOND I feel like making a change. That doesn't mean in an hour I won't be anxious again or whatever.

Maybe small changes build up into one big change for good?

Another New Day

Yesterday started out well enough - I worked harder than I had in awhile, and my thoughts were closer (read: CLOSER) than they have been in a long time to being normal.

I thought my online friend was supposed to be working last night. WRONG, and it completely threw me off and took me by surprise. I still played my game, but we hardly talked to each other. I was terribly anxious the whole time. I kept wondering...if he's not talking to me, who is he talking to, and he may have been wondering the same, but I'm purely speculating. There is a goal I'm trying to reach and I am *so close*, and then he asked me to do something with him, and apparently he had tried to ask me several times and I had totally missed his messages. I had already taken my nighttime meds is the only explanation I have. Finally I saw one of the messages, but it was too late, the group had already been formed, and he apologized for it, saying he'd tried to get my attention for ten minutes. I was shocked - a message coming from him that I missed? But sure enough, I looked at my screen, and there were three recent ones where he was desperately trying to reach me. But it wasn't like that all last night. At one point before this, I said "so are we in some kind of argument?", and he just said "no, I keep getting disconnected", which I honestly had not noticed. I guess I really wasn't paying much attention to him last night, obviously on purpose. It hurts too much, and I don't want to know what he is doing and where in the game. Who is pulling away? Me or him? I don't know. Maybe both? It seems like he is, but if I say something to him, he responds back right away.

Anyways, I fell asleep at my computer, and who knows what was said. I DO know that someone, and I don't know who, said "you fell asleep at your computer again, didn't you" when I woke up, and I think I wrote something back unintelligible, and turned off my computer and went to bed. I have NO IDEA who it was, but I know it wasn't him, and I didn't tell him goodnight, which was our "unspoken rule".

BLAH - too much about HIM. See how my thoughts are all wrapped up? But actually, today, I'm much better than I *was* when I was about to throw up and had anxiety attacks and wanted to take a bottle of klonipin. As much as I HATE it, I do need space, but I don't WANT it.

I AM going to start going to the movies, to the mall, to dinner, do all of the things I should do and want to do and need to do instead of playing that STUPID GAME all of the time. There is no reason to play 24x7 now that my feelings aren't wrapped around some fantasy relationship.

I can still reach my goals in the game, do a good job at work, be a good wife, and not be OBSESSED with a stupid online fantasy world. I think the more time I spend away from it in the REAL world, the less I'll see the online world as real. Does that make sense?

I now think I can do this on my own. It's just going to take a little (or lot) of pain, some tears, and triumph at the end.

Eventually, hopefully, I'll slowly find things to fill up the vacuum of time that is now spent playing the online game, which is the biggest problem for me, especially when Mark is out of town.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A Start?

Well, I guess my relationship with my "online friend" has turned hostile now?

I woke up around 4:30 this morning and felt wide awake. I thought I'd go "fishing" on my online game just for something to do, and he was online. Right away, he said "what the hell are you doing on?", which is quite hostile, I thought later. At the time, I guess I was still half asleep and didn't think much about it. I didn't say hello or anything - I wasn't prepared for a confrontation at that time of the morning! My brain wasn't functioning! I just said "couldn't sleep. thought I'd go fishing". Without saying goodbye or ANYTHING, he logged off right away. We *never* logoff without saying goodbye, it's almost an unspoken rule. Actually, not even unspoken. He's gotten mad at me in the past for going to bed and not saying goodnight - barely speaking to me the next day. I know, so juvenile. Yet, he it on purpose. I wasn't that shocked, though.

I could speculate all day long and say sending the in-game jewelry back without a message really upset or hurt him, or he was tired from working, or whatever, but in the end, who cares? I actually feel RELIEVED in a way. I feel like I can work today without being distracted hopefully (besides this blog entry), and part of me wishes it could just stay like this.

Without this "online relationship", I've definitely been more affectionate to Mark, even though he's out of town. I miss him being here, and spend time talking to him on the phone and giving him the attention he deserves. I honestly wasn't doing that for awhile, not that I remember.

I think I can stop obsessing over the game SO MUCH now. The only problem I have is...I STILL don't know what to do with my time!!! There's a vacuum of space that I don't know how to fill. Once Mark gets home, I'll see if we can start doing things together again. Taking a few hours here and there to go to dinner and movies and things like that will be a good start, I think.

And working hard at work!!!!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Anxious

I feel SOOO anxious today. It's to the point that I'm running to the bathroom every few hours. My stomach is churning, and I'm not sure why? What am I so anxious about, anyway? Everything is in my hands, it's up to me to make decisions, so why am I so frightened or scared?

My online friend must have gotten the "ingame jewelry" back that I sent him, because I checked, and he did logon when he got home around 4:30a. But he was logged on the game waaaay longer than he normally is when he works nights. I used to get up around 5:30 and drink coffee until about 8:00a and play while I woke up, but I've long since stopped that and have opted to sleep in, not that he knew I had stopped. He was on until around 6:00 - 6:30, which is very unusual. We never used to "catch" each other online during those times in the past, but this morning, we would have. Was he waiting for me to come online? It makes me sick to think so. Physically ill.

I literally can not deal with this any longer. Obviously it consumes way too much of my time, but it also consumes my thoughts outside of the game, too.

How many people can read about the same old thing, day after day? I don't ask anyone to read my blog, it's only here for me to vent. That's why I created it. A place for me to put down my thoughts and feelings, originally without worrying what anyone thought of me, or if they judged me. This is REALLY HARD, and to step back I'm sure it seems so simple as to what to do, but unless you're me, you can't possibly understand.

I'm sure the answer is to delete the game from my harddrive, and throw away the discs so I can't reinstall it. Make it as hard as possible to play the game - have to actually drive to the store and purchase it and reinstall it to play, giving myself plenty of time to think about what I was doing.

Something will drive me to that point, right? I hope it's not losing my job. Or Mark. Mark has always been an angel sent to me from heaven. WHY in the world he puts up with me, I don't know. He refuses to say I have a problem, but says if *I* think I do, then okay. He assumes that he can keep it all in check, so I must be able to do the same, and doesn't really understand that I'm not doing it or able to do it. He's joked about my "online boyfriend" before, so I stopped talking about him, and said he hated it when I "chatted" when I played the game. But those are his only complaints. He's actually said how much "lower maintenance" I am when I play. Does that mean he wants me out of his hair? Or that he feels like he has to entertain me? Or is it his way of allowing me to do what I want?

I've got to run the the bathroom again....
Monday, May 19, 2008

God, Please Help

I'm having a pretty bad panic attack right now, and I'm not sure why. It's 11:00p and I should be going to bed, but I feel so sick. My stomach is in a million knots and in my throat, and I'm almost doubled over, but not quite. I just took all of my nighttime meds, and added 4 klonipin to the mix.

I talked to Mark a couple of hours earlier and he doesn't understand why I feel so lonely tonight when he's been traveling for over a year now. I don't know why either? Am I falling apart? I apologized for being neglectful and probably went on and on about it, and he almost sounded uncomfortable, but he was very sweet.

He called again around 9:30p when he was going to bed, and I, of course, was playing that stupid game. But I put everything on hold to talk to him, which I didn't used to do - I would actually let the phone ring and ring and not even answer it (!!) when he called and I was playing if it was intense. But he would know what I was doing because he could logon to the game, too, and see I was on.

What a crazy world I've created for myself!! I need to pick up my Adderall in the morning, I didn't even do it tonight when I am completely out and won't have some for tomorrow morning.

My "online friend", as I said, is working 3 nights in a row, so I won't be talking to him...maybe forever. I guess it's up to me, right? Earlier he sent me some jewelry in the game that was in my inbox - 2 rings and a necklace (it's not like THAT, it's completely different), and I sent them back to him in an ingame email with no message, no subject, no anything. He was trying to help me attain a certain goal in the game, but I didn't need those objects to attain it (too low level), didn't want them, and what did I really have to say? Nothing. So that's what I said in my email. Nothing. I know that's going to send a HUGE message, but of what? He already thinks I don't talk to people when I'm mad at them and has asked if I do the same to him, but I'm not mad at him. Am I? Maybe a little. Or maybe I'm pushing him away before he has a chance to do it first? Am I playing games (not the actual game) with him? I'm SO CONFUSED! I really, really am.

I need reality back in my life. I think I honestly just "woke up" today, but maybe only part-way so far.

As I said, this is bigger than me. I actually prayed for God to help me on my way home from the psychiatrist today for my online game addiction. I guess that's what it is, right? It's been a long time since I remembered to reach out to God for help.

No One Could Understand....

As I was on my way to my psychiatrist to pick up my Adderall re-fill, I convinced myself to stop playing the online game. I almost started crying about it, and I still feel depressed. But as I was in the drive-thru to drop off my prescription, I talked myself into playing it, just not talking to my "online friend" at all.

But the problem is deeper than that. And I think it's bigger than just me. I started facing reality without the game, and my life is so lonely. I have online friends that I actually talk to with my stupid wireless earpiece (what a dork), and they've replaced my old friends. I don't know how to socialize with "real people" any more, even though it's only been 5 months. It seems FOREVER.

Reality is all the things I've been complaining about myself, but also, I don't know what I would do with my time. Watch television? What did I do before the game? I have NO CLUE. I think I watched television and surfed the internet at the same time.

But now I've completely neglected Mark, I realized, and I feel HORRIBLE about it. His birthday came and went, and I did nothing special for it at all. I actually took Seroquel early that night and went to bed before 9:00p. He said I told him we would go to dinner for his birthday the next night, Friday night, and of course I didn't remember. I then didn't want to go to dinner, and it really hurt his feelings. He was pretty upset, but what did I do? Nothing. I just feel YUCKY about myself, and not viewable for the public.

I don't feel like going anywhere now. I feel fat and ugly and old. People online don't see that. I actually have pictures of myself from October on our "guilds website" when I was so much prettier. I know, just 8 months ago? What the hell happened to me?

I know my job is probably or going to be in jeopardy because I don't work like I should, and I'm risking EVERYTHING for it.

But I can't stop. I don't know why. I think of how hard I've worked on my character, and if I stop and pick it back up again, how behind I'll be.

People say "just stop". It's so much HARDER than that. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It makes me so depressed to think about not playing. I have to face reality, and reality is pretty bad. I've made it bad by playing this STUPID STUPID game!!

As I sit here crying now, how can I logon and play? Yet how can I not to escape because I feel so horrible?

I've tried to call Mark about 10 times, but his phone is just rolling over to voicemail. I want to tell him how SORRY I am for being such a horrible wife these last few months. He plays the game, too, but somehow, he's able to balance everything.

Can I just start cutting back slowly? Play, but just not as much, until I'm not playing at all? I don't know, I don't think so. If my online friend weren't playing, would it be easier? I don't know that either.

I thought I could start going into the office every day, and staying until 4:30-5:00 or so when the traffic gets bad. That would mean I'd be doing my job, hopefully being tired from the drive both ways (30 miles), and working hard. I would have less time to play, and maybe playing wouldn't seem as important anymore. I might actually HAVE A LIFE.

I can't logon, yet I can't not logon. I'm stuck, what do I do? I'm actually frozen right now. I'm crying, and I just want to talk to Mark, yet he won't pick up the phone.

I have no one to turn to, and no one could possibly understand how much this hurts....

Is It Over?

The "online friend" relationship has definitely cooled, and I guess is pretty much over? I can't pinpoint exactly what happened or what changed, but I'm not sure I feel the same, and it seems he doesn't either. We're still good friends online, but that might about cover it. It's sad, but also relieving. I won't talk to him for 3 days now since he will be working nights for those days - 12 hours at a time, and doesn't really logon when I'm on. The time span for those 3 days will make us even more distant to each other now, I can tell, instead of bringing us closer like it did in the past.

However, I did stay up until 4:30a on Saturday night while we played, and he wanted me to stay up again last night, but I didn't, of course, because of work. It was just to play though, not to chat.

Mark is leaving for Illinois after work today, so I won't see him until Thursday night, late. He has all of these big plans for each night he'll be there, so basically, I'll have NO one to talk to on those nights. I know I'll be lonely. It's my own fault. I've isolated myself to the point of having no friends now. I'm sure I could call them up (at least I hope) and they would still be there, but I don't know. I shouldn't make my friends so disposable.

I went to dinner with Mark's parents on Saturday night, and surprisingly, had a good time. We spent a couple of hours with them, I guess, and it is always uncomfortable when it's time to go. There's nothing left to say, everyone is quiet, looking down, not knowing how to leave. Except for Mark. He wants to stay and chat, and will keep thinking of topics. Even when we were out at our cars he kept talking, and I guess he is just excited to be with his family, free of the nieces and nephew which always grab the attention. At least that's what he mentioned.

I guess it's time to start work (ugh!). After the girl was let go last week, I'm REALLY nervous about my job. I don't work NEARLY as hard as I should, and I should probably be let go, too.
Saturday, May 17, 2008

Stop the Abilify!

I don't like how the Abilify is making me feel. While it's true that *maybe* I'm a *little* less obsessed with my "online friend", I don't feel very good. I almost started crying when Mark and I got into an argument last night, but I guess crying during a heated discussion is normal. I haven't cried in FOREVER. Mark commented that when I woke up this morning, I looked like I had the flu - not just tired from waking up, but like I was sick, and I kind of feel sluggish like that. It could be that I started on too high of a dosage - maybe I should have cut the 10mg in half and started with 5mg.

Either way, I didn't take an Abilify this morning. I do NOT want to be obsessed with my online friend any more, but I don't want to feel yucky either. Maybe I AM or WAS manic, and I liked how it made me feel. Now that I'm coming down from the "high", perhaps I don't like it. But sitting around playing an online game for hours on end - how can that be manic? Isn't that depression?

I'm going to dinner with Mark's parents and Mark for his birthday tonight, and I *so* do not want to go. I'm getting dressed up, putting on make-up, wearing my one contact, etc. No sweats today! And I don't feel good on top of it all. Maybe I'll have a margarita at dinner. Mark and his dad always have a beer - why can't I have an alcoholic beverage just because his mother doesn't?

I told my "online friend" that I was going to a dinner party tonight and that I wouldn't be online until later. I don't know why I have to "report" to him. The other night, on Mark's birthday, he logged on and I logged off right away. Yesterday when I logged on, the first thing he asked was "are you mad at me?", and went on to say that I didn't log on for the rest of the night, either. I had no idea he waited for me to logon to talk to me. I told him I was sick. I don't know why I didn't just tell him the truth.

What is wrong with me? I want this to be over, yet....I can't bring myself to end it. He's actually become more of a good friend than anything now.
Friday, May 16, 2008

Progress?

I didn't talk with my "online friend" at all yesterday. This is a big step for me. But it took a little bit of work. I was playing and he logged on as soon as he got home from work. I don't know if he didn't want to say hello or he didn't have a chance to see that I was online (it was only about 60 seconds that he had logged on), but I heard the garage door open for Mark, and I immediately logged off.

We got dinner, did some things, and it was quite awhile before I logged back on which is NOT typical of me at all. Before I logged back on, I took all of my nighttime meds (and tripled my Seroquel dose), and he wasn't on. It took maybe 30 minutes, and I couldn't even type I was so out of it. People were asking me to do "instances" (dungeons) with them, and I just told them I had a bad cold and took a lot of cold medicine and was going to bed soon.

So...Day 1 of not speaking to him at all. Maybe all it will take is time and space to distance myself and not feel so desperate to talk to him. I feel much better about it today, and not so anxious. I do NOT want to stop playing the game though!

I think the Abilify must be helping, though, or I wouldn't have even been able to do what I did yesterday. I didn't logon at ALL during the day which I normally do. I just worked really hard.

Speaking of work - one of the contractors got cut yesterday. I'm a contractor, too. I'm a little bit worried that I may lose my job now. We're in different departments, and she's a sourcer while I'm a full life cycle recruiter, so it IS different. Mark said if they were doing layoffs, it would all be done in mass quantities so people wouldn't be sitting around wondering "am I next?", and thinks it was her job performance. My job performance SUCKS in my opinion. I have too much on my plate, and haven't been giving my job 100%.

Speaking of...I'd better get to work.
Thursday, May 15, 2008

Hard Step in the Right Direction

I know I just wrote a post, but I felt this was important enough to write another one.

I'm living in a "fantasy world". I somehow need to disconnect myself from the online game. I can't do it completely, I know that, but I can play less. Somehow. Someway.

As for my online friend? I don't think there needs to be a "break-up" talk, so to speak - just light discussion, kept brief and formal.

Do I think I can do this? I don't know. If I can get past my online friend, maybe I can get past the game altogether. It's so ridiculous, his idea of us actually meeting, or even moving to where he lives, and me actually listening to it.

I normally log onto the game during my lunch hour from home, but I haven't today. I didn't this morning (except before work), either. That's a huge step in the right direction. I don't think anyone realizes how much I play. I'm going to go buy Mark a card, and maybe something extra - and I even showered to do it!!! : )

Now, if I can just keep the momentum going. It makes me feel like crying, though. It's actually painful. I want to cry this very instant.

Emptiness?

Today is Mark's birthday, and I was SO tired (probably because of the Abilify), that I forgot to wish him a Happy Birthday before he left for work. I've called him several times, but he hasn't answered his phone. I need to bathe and go get him a card and something small. Perhaps be prepared when he gets home to go to dinner for a change....

Finally Mark made his point last night, although I think he's made it before now. He said he doesn't like me "chatting" while playing the online game. I do giggle sometimes, but not always because of my "online friend". I don't think he appreciates it. Although he plays the game himself, he chats with NO ONE. Not a single person. But he's not a social person AT ALL. Does he suspect something may be happening? I don't know...maybe. He got a little irritated with me last night about it. I logged off around 8:30p - very early for me, but really only because my "online friend" was tired and logged off at the same time.

Will this keep me from talking to my friend? I don't see how that could happen. If he DEMANDS I do no typing while I play, what am I supposed to do? I HAVE to talk to other players while I play - it's just part of the game for me. I do things in "groups", while he never does. This is SO NERDY, but I even have a wireless headset so I can talk to other players as we play instead of typing everything out. And yes, I've talked to my "online friend" during game play.

I'm so very, very confused and lost, and just want things to be the way they should be. If they were, would I feel an emptiness in my life?

The Abilify usually works VERY QUICKLY for me, within a few days I would say, and today is day #2 that I've taken it. I would expect to see results soon. I have worked much more today than slacking off like I normally do. I'm FORCING myself to do it. When I was DEEPLY depressed the last time, it worked in 2 days - seriously! I know it's supposed to be for mania, but it works the opposite for me for some reason.

Not only that, but Abilify used to make me "restless", and I'm hoping that will carry over to playing the game. I'm hoping that I won't be able to STAND just sitting there playing a game for hours on end. I'll have to stop playing and get up and DO something for a change.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Back on Abilify

First of all, I ran out of Zyprexa and Geoden, and went a night without it. Yesterday, I felt kind of sick, had it refilled, and slept most of the late afternoon/early evening away.

When I called to get refills, I had them refill my Abilify. What the heck? My online computer game usage is out of control, I have this online "friend" that I can't seem to shake the feelings I've developed, and need to gain some order back into my life.

If Abilify isn't the answer, what is? I don't shower daily, I play the game constantly, hoping he'll come online, and waiting for him to say something to me. I've even become "moody" to him now. Sulky, up, down, whatever. He hasn't commented on it, but it just proves that I can't deal with it. I'm constantly pushing him away, then pulling him back.

How many times have I said this now? I need to go to the beauty salon and get my hair done, get my eyebrows waxed, buy new clothes that actually fit so I'm not constantly wearing sweats, get new contacts, just ALL kinds of maintenance. I haven't even had my car, my new BMW, inspected, and it ran out in 1/08!

Why isn't Mark asking me what's wrong? He'll make comments like "you only go out of the house once a year", or something like that.

Am I depressed? I don't feel like I am. I don't cry, and I don't feel like crying. I just feel like PLAYING THE GAME. But that's a form of escape, right? What am I escaping from exactly? What is it in my life that I'm trying so desperately not to face?

Mark hates his job and is pretty miserable about it. Perhaps that's why he hasn't said much about my state of mental health - he's in over his head himself. Tomorrow is his birthday, and I need to get him a card and a "token" for his birthday. He's already bought his big present, but I need to show I care.

That means getting out of the house, though....

God, PLEASE let the Abilify be the answer to all of these problems!!!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Update on "Friend"

I'm still playing WoW, and all is right with the world again. My online "friend" and I are no longer on the "outs", but being on the "ins" is dangerous. I have been playing like CRAZY to achieve my goals, and that does not include talking to him. That's just an added "bonus". Mark is now HATING when I "chat" on the computer when I'm playing the online game. I tell him I'm in a "guild", which is true, and I do talk to people in there a lot, much more so than my "online friend"

When will the risk outweigh the fun? When does it go too far? When he jokes about leaving my husband and moving to where he lives? How do I even know he's joking? Of COURSE that's ridiculous. He wants to meet for a weekend. Uhm...I don't like the sound of that. It would put my marriage in jeopardy, and what would he expect of me, anyway? Absolutely NOTHING would happen if he would be expecting it. I'm not even seriously considering it. NO WAY. Perhaps he'll get a girlfriend and lose interest. Maybe I'll lose interest. People who have commented on my blog said that something eventually happened that ended this type of situation, so I guess eventually it will?

Work is TOTALLY suffering. I am absolutely stressed about it right now. I just can't handle all that's thrown on my plate. I've made a good friend who lives in Chicago who is helping me source candidates, but she's about as unhappy with her job as I am with mine. She wishes she was doing what I am, and I kind of wish I was doing what she is. Just sourcing for candidates, instead of full lifecycle recruiting. It seems like so much less stress. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side?

Mark's birthday is on Thursday, and I have NO IDEA what to get him. He has EVERYTHING he wants and needs, and ordered this little computer that was about $3500 for his birthday. He already has it. I guess a card and...I don't know, some little token to show I care? But what?

Guess I'd better start working...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Am I Obsessed?

Ivy is right in her last comment. I shouldn't have feelings for an "online friend" that it would affect me this much. But I'm in the middle of it...I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but how do I get to it? I know I'll play the online game tonight, and I know he'll log on, and neither of us will probably talk to the other one. I could be way off base on this one, but I don't think so. What will probably end up happening is I'll log off WAY early, take a bunch of Seroquel, and go to bed. It's too bad, too, because I'm SO CLOSE to attaining one of my goals!!!!

It *is* really affecting me. Why? What did I do wrong? What could I have done? It seems like nothing I can pinpoint happened. But when someone tries to think of all the reasons you should keep playing the game when I couldn't think of them myself, and ends it with "just don't LEAVE me" (typed just like that), it's gone too far.

It's a STUPID STUPID GAME! The dumb thing is, it's a role playing game, and I never got into the"role playing" part. I was pretty much myself, except for the age thing. Why am I so mad?

The details are game related, which is why I haven't gone into them in an entry. I'd have to explain how the game is played and why this would upset me, which would bore anyone to tears. But bottom line is...he lied about something so insignificant, but what went on afterwards just fanned the flames.

I'm sure I'll logon tonight, he'll be on, I'll only be able to stand it for a little while, logoff and like I said, take a bunch of Seroquel.

At least I can take breaks during the day and play when he can't.

I can't get it out of my mind though. Ivy's right, it's an obession.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Ok, I have a problem.

My "online friend" and I are *so* not talking, and I don't even know what to do about it. I could go into the details, but I don't quite understand them myself. I logged off because I just couldn't stand to be on the game at the same time he is and know that we're not talking. I know he's thinking about it just as much as I am. But I think he was purposefully spiteful. And I think he's as stubborn as I am - he won't talk first.

So maybe this is good - I won't logon and play the game when he's on. Which is most of the time. This brings me to my issue - being addicted to a computer game. This could have solved it.

I'm not trying to be spiteful by not being on the game, even though when I mentioned to him I might quit, he begged me "not to leave him" last weekend. It's so interesting - someone can be so close to you, and just decide not to log on to a game ever again, and poof! no matter how close you were, they're out of your life forever, no explanation.

Do you think I'll break down and try to mend things? Definitely time and space is needed.

Yes, I highly medicated myself. 6 klonipin, my nighttime meds, and 300mg of Seroquel. And it's only 8:00p! I'm hoping that I blissfully go to sleep so I'm not tempted to logon to the game all night.

Don't you think in this case that maybe all of this medication is warranted?

I have a serious problem, I see that now.

Lost

Sorry for waiting so log to post, and thanks for all the WONDERFUL and insightful comments. I'm still addicted to my online game, and I still have the same online "friend". He tried to get some space awhile back (my last post), but only lasted 2 days. I tried, and didn't last 24 hours. I only lasted THAT long because I forgot to take my Adderall that day and took extra Seroquel the night before, and basically spent it sleeping. Maybe Seroquel is the answer to my problem? : )

The game has gotten boring to me, and I wonder if I would still be playing without him. But it's not just HIM, I have other online friends too. And I have objectives I'm trying to obtain, even though it's boring to get there. I sound like such a LOSER. Where are my real friends? Who would bail me out of jail at 2 in the morning (no, it's never happened, just saying...)? Go to a concert with me? Get a pedicure during lunch on a weekday?

I need to stop playing...yet...I don't want to lose my friendships either, or "miss out" on anything, does that make sense? My friend logged on to the game yesterday after working 12 hours straight just to say hello to me and then logged off. That's not playing a GAME! That's using a chat program!

Someone commented about "meeting", and yes, he's brought it up. I didn't say anything back to him because it's ridiculous. I'm MARRIED, happily, and have been with the same person for 10 years. On top of that, I've only been married since October! He KNOWS this. Why would I throw that away, even for a friendship? I wouldn't. Mark is the best thing that ever has ever happened to me - I wonder every day why he's still with me!! I've told my friend that we have a good relationship, and he just says that Mark is the luckiest guy in the world.

This has gone too far, and I know it. I don't push it, but I probably encourage it.

Is the only solution to stop playing? I've worked SO HARD on my character in the game that I just don't want to stop, yet....I don't want to go on, either. It's even HARDER when all Mark does is play the game now himself! What am *I* supposed to do while *he* plays the game?

How do you stop? I know people would give me advice, but you have to WANT to stop, right?

I'm actually an officer in a stupid "guild". That's how far it's gotten. I'm the nerdiest girl in the world.

I feel so lost...I barely go out of the house anymore since I work from home.

I stopped taking Abilify too. Could that be the problem? No Abilify = poor decisions?

I'm waiting for my place of employment to just let me go. I'm drowning in work and can't keep up. My Sr. Manager told me she was going to hire another recruiter, which I would be ecstatic if that were true! Maybe I just don't know what I'm doing...

Followers

About Me

Fred Flintstone
View my complete profile

Search

Loading...

Blog Archive

Twitter - Follow Me!


Take My Button!

Photobucket