Monday, June 30, 2008

Gaining Weight!

I've been taking Abilify, and GAINING WEIGHT! I have no idea how much I've put on, I refuse to get on the scale. It's only been a few weeks, but I feel like I look pregnant!

I'm more focused now - working harder at work. Still not working as long as I should - it's hard for me to stay disciplined working from home. I was really overwhelmed for awhile, and I prayed to God to help me, thinking I would get fired from my job as His answer to my prayer, forcing me to find a job outside of the house. I thought I deserved it. Instead, my boss got me help for my work, I'm able to focus and work longer (probably because of the Abilify), and I think it's all divine intervention. I mean, it happened all at the same time! I've always believed in the power of prayer, but I forget about it until I don't know where to turn. I DO thank God for good things in my life, but I should go to church, etc.

That doesn't mean I don't still worry about my job. I'm *still* overwhelmed, I just have too many jobs that need to be filled, and it's impossible for me to find candidates for all of them. My Manager doesn't seem to get mad at me? Instead, she's hired a new recruiter to help starting in July!

Mark seems....really disappointed in me or something. I guess I did spend the whole weekend, except when we went to dinner Friday night, playing World of Warcraft, and I probably ignored him the whole time. He played it too, all weekend, trying to earn as much "honor" as he could, but he did things such as going to the hardware store and fixing an appliance, reminding me it was time to eat, taking out the trash, etc. I just now took out the trash because I feel so bad - I just realized what I did all weekend. This morning, I got up and took a bath right when he was done exercising, and he had to go to the other bathroom, and found I'd used all the hot water. Like I did it on purpose! I took a quick bath, and thought he had just STARTED running! But he was unhappy with me when he left nevertheless.

I wonder if it's actually my appearance he's not happy with instead. I feel so fat, my hair is incredibly LONG and I always have it up in a clip - with a very slender gray streak in the front. I SO need to get it highlighted! I don't wear my contacts - I only have one! And my bridge fell out, but I don't think you can tell. I do get dressed up on Friday nights to go out, but other than that, that's it.

One thing I KNOW he's unhappy with is...the amount of...."action" he gets. He said he refuses to make an advance towards me now because he's tired of getting rejected, and he really meant it. I think if we did "that", he would be happy with me again. Why are guys like that? Why would something like that turn the relationship around? He says it's because he feels loved, and doesn't feel loved or attractive when I reject him. It's always at bad times, though, but to be honest, I don't know when a good time would be. I can think of one good time, but he was sound asleep, and I didn't want to wake him up.

My online friend quit my guild, and he's "applied" to another one. Once you hit the top level and want to get into more exclusive guilds, you have to start "applying". It's really ridiculous. I applied to the same one he did, but haven't left my guild, and they wanted to know things like my name, age, what I do for a living, all about my character, of course, and so much more. It said that IF they were interested, they would contact me. It's all about the "spec" and the "gear", and you can actually see it on WoW's online site about my character. Then, I would have to "try out". I thought...are you freaking KIDDING ME? *I* have to try out for *them*? Because of the role I play in the game, that's the reason once I'm on, it's hard to stop. People keep asking me to run "instances" with their groups because there's a shortage of what I do. They should be so lucky if I joined! But I applied anyway. I don't know what I'll do if they contact me. Should I follow my online friend (if HE gets accepted, but he knows someone there), or should we just stay friends and in different guilds?

I guess I'd better get back to work. That's the last thing I'd like to do right now, but the only thing I should be doing.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Didn't Matter

After the extra effort I took yesterday in doing things for Mark that I hadn't been doing for awhile, I still got in "trouble". The things were small, but a step in the right direction at least.

This morning he came downstairs, visibly upset, and told me last night was the 3rd night out of 5 nights I had "turned him down", and he was not going to approach me anymore. He felt rejected and hurt. It's been barely over a week since we were "together"! I'm STILL failing. Miserably. I can never meet his expectations. I just can't. For instance, we were doing dishes last night, and I was drying a pan and told him it was my favorite one, and he said yes, as well as the one I had just thrown away, meaning the pan that I had recently burned that we fought over until I trashed it. I mean, why bring that up? It's always little things like that, and it "keeps me down", does that make sense? I've tried to tell him that he puts me down A LOT, but he refuses to believe me. He'll say that he treats me better than anyone else I've ever been with, and sure, that's true, but it doesn't take much to win that award.

He really does keep me feeling insufficient and unsure of myself. He thinks he can't tell me something without me feeling that way, and I think he can't stop doing it. Like the pans. Why did he have to bring that up at all?

I'm going to pay close attention tonight to see if and how he "puts me down" and call him on it. I think I'm so used to it...just being and feeling like the incapable insufficient little girl in the house, that I don't even recognize how often he does it. When I think back, though, it seems like it's all the time. Constant complaining and nagging.

Tonight will be especially bad because he feels hurt - he'll be lashing out to hurt me back in his own passive-aggressive way.

This is a mere guess, though. I suppose what I need to do is take care of the "situation" tonight, whether I feel like it or not. The hard thing is - I take so many medications and wait to go to bed until I'm zonked out. I can't stand to lay in bed with my eyes wide open - I simply won't fall asleep that way typically.

I thought the extra effort I put into last night was going to have good results and he'd appreciate me more, not the huge opposite of the pendulum.

I guess it really didn't matter - any of the things I did. He would have felt this way no matter what. It would appear that all I need to do is "give it up" and he'll be fine and dandy with me.

Except for the "put downs". I don't think he can stop that part.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Abilify Day ?

I'm still taking Abilify, and I think it's getting me out of my "funk". I didn't realize I was in a "funk", so to speak. Except, I'm SO HUNGRY!

I worked harder today than I have in a long time, able to concentrate, which is weird for Abilify. I got my butt OUT OF THE HOUSE and went to the store to buy a new coffeemaker, a few things that Mark requested, and I'm actually going to make dinner tonight! Spaghetti! We haven't had a meal prepared at home in FOREVER! It's been takeout, takeout, takeout. Mark will be very surprised.

He seems to be not so happy with me, but when I look back at how I've been acting, how could he be? I don't cook, clean (save doing the laundry), or really help out with the house at all. I just sit around and play World of Warcraft or watch television. We go out some, like to dinner on Friday nights, and I've stepped up my shower taking, but he asked me to take a shower on Sunday night since I won't "get friendly" unless I've had one. But stupid me said "no" while I was playing WoW, and I didn't. He's been distant since then. I apologized just today for it, and he brushed it off, and of course it could be my total imagination, but it just seems like he's been distant since then. I'll try to talk to him, and he'll just answer my questions "yes", "no", "fine", and not offer any more than that. And it's almost cold, too.

I've deserved this type of treatment, if I'm indeed getting a type of treatment, for a long time. I don't know how he's put up with me for THIS long. Is he at the end of his rope? Is there no going back? I haven't told him I'm making him dinner tonight - will that help at all? It's not just because I think he's mad...it's because I want to do it. But...maybe he'll see I'm contributing to the household (his biggest complaint to me), and soften some towards me.

I haven't talked to my online friend today, and don't really care if I do or don't. THIS is how it should stay. If he stopped logging on, then I think I would stop playing WoW, except for the fact that Mark plays and I would need something to do to fill up that time. I've tried watching television, but it's boring sitting here and just doing THAT. Another computer game is just silly - trading one game for another. But if I really didn't WANT to play? Then I'm sure I would find other things to do - they would seem attractive to me. Maybe I'm beginning to start this course in my life. Maybe. We'll see.

Is it the Abilify? I'd rather not just sit here and play a game, but get up and do something instead?

Maybe.

I'm actually going to go iron my shirt and shorts that I'll be wearing today (!!!), and check my work email and phone messages, so...I guess I'll end it here!
Friday, June 20, 2008

Catch Up

I've been taking my Abilify daily, and I don't know if it's been that, but I seem to have come out of that depression I was in for awhile. Maybe it was situational? A coincidence? Either way, I know Abilify has pulled me out quickly in the past, so I'm not going to stop taking it now.

Mark just got home from New Mexico last night, and so far (knock on wood) we're getting along pretty well. I was depressed on the phone most of the week with him, as I recall, and he kept mentioning it, so perhaps that's why he's being nice? It's bad when I have to think of a reason that's he's being nice to me and not condescending. I'm just waiting for it to start back up. I don't know if he realizes how often he tries to "change me" - it's constant. But it's not happening right now, so it's hard to remember what it was like when he was.

My online friend from World of Warcraft and I are getting along well, I suppose, except this is the beginning of his 3-day work "shift". I don't talk to him much during those days. We grow distant during this time, and it's probably for the better. Except...it bothers me when he logs off without saying anything which he did last night. He gets mad when I do it to him, so I don't know why he does it.

I know I've said this before, but I don't really have anything left to do on World of Warcraft except my "daily quests" for gold. I don't like to run "instances" anymore because of my role in the group (too stressful) and am constantly asked to do it. I just do things by myself to earn gold, chat with people, and that's about it. So why do I play? It's just something to do, I guess. I don't know that I'm so much addicted anymore - I logoff and watch a movie, but....

I WOULD rather play than work, and work has become so complicated lately. My Hiring Managers have been complaining to my Sr. Manager - not good. But...I talked to her and gave her a "heads up" that they would be, so she wasn't blind-sided. We had a conversation where she decided that my workload was too high, and has gotten me some help, as well as hiring another recruiter that starts in July. Maybe I DO have too much work, and am beating myself up over it because I can't get it all done. I really can't!!! However, after talking to one of my Managing Directors, she's been asking for spreadsheets of candidates I've submitted for positions. Thankfully it's been jobs that I've actually submitted candidates. I haven't for all jobs because there simply aren't any candidates! But I'm behind on simple things - like calling and setting up interviews, sending out applications, things like that. My mailbox gets full, I try to send out an email, it won't let me until I move some of my mail, and then sometimes I get sidetracked. I guess I have a million excuses. Bottom line, I still need to work harder. But the harder I work, the more behind I get! It's so confusing! I'm NEVER caught up!

Speaking of, I'd better start working now.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008

No Call

Mark didn't call me last night, and because I took all of my meds so early, I woke up at 12:30a and realized he hadn't called. I called him 3 times before he answered, and he tried saying he had called me, but I had checked the caller ID, and he hadn't.

I called him this morning, and he said the truth was that he had too much to drink, and he didn't want to "hear it from me" about how he had been drinking so much, so he didn't call. Then he said "is your self esteem really that low?" because I was upset he didn't call. Why would he try to put this back on me? I said it had nothing to do with my self esteem at all! He calls me every single night! Because he said THAT, it makes me wonder, yes, why didn't he call?

When I talked to him this morning, I just felt like crying, so I said really quickly "I guess I'll let you go" and hung up. He actually let me do it, too, after making the comment about my self esteem. It was as if he wanted to get off the phone with me. He calls me every single morning, but not this morning. But...I woke up early and called him before he normally calls me, I guess? I don't think that's it, but how do I know?

I think I'm really failing at work. I'm just not motivated at ALL to do my job, and things are piling high. I'm so behind, and I can't believe that everyone is not complaining. Yesterday, my mail server was down for awhile, so I couldn't work for the afternoon. When I checked my email around 5:00p, I had a TON of to-do's, on top of what I already have. Yet, here I sit writing a BLOG ENTRY!

And, I'm going to have to go to my psychiatrist today to pick up my Adderall prescription this afternoon, which will take at least 2 hours out of my day.

Everything is falling apart, and I don't know what to do to stop it. It's my fault, right? Or am I viewing the glass as half empty? I'm not being pro-active, I think. I'm not doing the things to achieve what I want. I guess?

I'm so depressed - and I just remembered, I didn't take the 5mg of Abilify that I just started last night. I'd better go take that now!
Monday, June 16, 2008

Slow Depression

I'm depressed. I'm bored. Am I depressed because I'm so bored? Or am I bored because I'm so depressed?

The thing is, I'm sure there are a lot of things I COULD do. But I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to do anything.

But I want to do *something*. Just....it's weird. There's nothing that I want to do.

I feel myself slipping into a depression, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Maybe I've been depressed for some time now, I don't know. At least I had an interest in World of Warcraft, but now I play it, and I'm BORED. There's nothing left to do in the game! I just play it because it occupies my time, but I can't stand even that over a short period of time! I just sit there and fish all by myself, how boring is that?

My friends from my prior place of employment have both answered my emails, pretty much saying the ball is in my court now to call them. I don't know what to say - let's meet? That would require me getting my ugly self ready for them to see me, and I don't think I look the same as the last time they saw me. I've holed myself up in the house since then, working from home, and...I don't even know if I have social skills! Of course, being a recruiter, I still have them on the phone, but that's a completely different set of skills. And I've noticed that I'm even shying away from that quite a bit. And what do I say to them? I want to say how AWFUL I feel, but I would have to put on a happy smiley face and say how wonderful it is to hear from them and be all chirpy and excited. I don't feel that way.

What I'd like to do right now is take my nighttime meds (it's 7:30p), eat something for dinner, and just sleep blissfully for a LONG LONG time. Yes, taking my life has crossed my mind, but only for a moment a few times. But isn't that the way it starts (at least for me)? It enters your mind, slowly nagging away at you until it's there full force? I've heard of bipolars who seemed happy and fine one day, and the next, it appeared a terrible depression overtook them and they instantly took their own lives, shocking everyone around them. Is that possible? Or were they just really good at putting up a good front?

I'm not good at putting up a front. It shows in everything. The way I dress, look, behave, even my skin. I don't even remember how to act normal.

But I'm not quite at that point yet. I just feel......sad. I laid in bed and cried - REALLY CRIED -for a few minutes yesterday, but I can't remember why.

Now it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not. I'm just...slipping into a depression.

Maybe I'll try that Abilify now instead of waiting until morning.

Try #100 for Abilify Tomorrow?

I'm SO BORED. I don't want to work. I don't want to play World of Warcraft. Mark is out of town, so I don't have him coming home to look forward to. I'm just....here. I feel like crying, but about what?

We went to lunch yesterday before Mark left for Illinois for work, and I had 2 margaritas. A few hours later, and I had a HORRIBLE hangover - the worst headache, and the room was spinning a little. I took about 4 advil and 2 seroquel, hoping I'd just fall asleep, but I didn't. I finally got up, tried to eat something, and took all of my nighttime meds. I remember waking up and being SO SLEEPY, logging onto WoW to see my online friend was on. We chatted for a bit and he asked me to do a heroic dungeon with him, but I couldn't even spell words correctly, so I logged out and went back to bed.

This morning Mark woke me up when he called around 8:00a, and I went to get breakfast and started working, and then appartently my mail server went down. I played WoW while waiting for it to come back up, and then got SO BORED.

WITH EVERYTHING.

Maybe it's the margaritas from yesterday making me feel a little depressed. What is it called when you no longer have interest in anything? I can't remember the word. I just spoke with Mark who kept asking if I was ok because of the tone in my voice.

What do I have to look forward to? Nothing. Eating dinner tonight? I'm looking forward to Mark coming home from his trip...but that won't make EVERYTHING okay. It won't make my job ok. I hate my job.

I remember feeling blah and a little depressed yesterday, even before the margaritas, and it was almost like deja vu. I thought back to past summers, and remembered I was hospitalized in August (I think August 5th) after months of deep depression...in the SUMMER. So it must have started around June.

Could I have seasonal depression? Seasonal blahs? Wasn't I ok last year? I just need to go back in my blog and see, I suppose.

Yet...I have a drawer full of Abilify, and I distinctly remember, not very long ago, my psychiatrist telling me to take 10mg of Abilify daily because I was so deeply depressed. Was it just last summer? I know it snapped me out of it within a few days, just like he said it would, and it surprised the hell out of me. In a good way.

Maybe I'll start with the Abilify...AGAIN. 5mg at first, then 10.

I was never supposed to actually STOP. I just did on my own. I don't know why I hate that medicine so much, but I keep stopping it for some reason.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe a new try for Abilify. SOMETHING has to work and has to give right now. I feel like I'm just barely hanging on to my life - everything in it that means something to me.

But Abilify can't make me like a job that I hate. It can't make me do what I don't want to do. And I don't exactly know what to do with that part of my life? I'd rather scrub the bathroom floors than do my job.
Friday, June 13, 2008

Argument

I've had a sinus headache the last two days, and I can't stare at the computer screen very long without it making my head hurt worse. Which means...LESS World of Warcraft time. Somehow I always manage to sneak in a bit of WoW time during work hours - NOT GOOD. I need to be more consistent in my working hours, which is why I keep bringing up going into the office a few days a week. It would totally get me away from the environment. But I need clothes that fit and my hair cut/highlighted first?

Mark and I got into a HUGE argument when he got home from Illinois last night. I'm finding that I *hate* when he first gets home - he LOOKS for an argument. This time it was dishes in the sink. A pan (that I burned something in) and a colander. He flipped out. He EVEN said he was starting to love me less. Can you BELIEVE that? We were fighting on the phone after he landed all the way to when he got home. When he pulled up in the driveway, he saw that my office light was still on, and he started screeching at me, and I hung up on him. That just fueled the flames for when he walked in the door and saw the dishes. He told me he was going to sleep in the other bedroom, and I said fine, it wouldn't bother me at all - I was used to sleeping by myself. He said he'd had it, I said fine, I was used to living alone, and I made enough to support myself rather well. There was no crying from me, no backing down, no begging for him to stay, no anything. I finally apologized for the pan (I had thrown it away out of anger), and he calmed down. At one point he said he was leaving and walked downstairs when I was still in bed, and I said "okay", but he never opened the door to the garage, and I didn't run after him, either - I just stayed in bed (I still had that nasty headache). I hadn't eaten all day, and knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep until I ate, so I finally asked him if he was hungry because I was going to grab something, and he drove me to get something and all was well. But don't think for a minute I've forgotten what happened....

My "online friend" on WoW and I are getting along rather well, I guess. I'm very glad about that, but at the same time, I kind of wish he would just quit playing. It would be SO MUCH EASIER for me to quit playing if he did. He's being SO SWEET to me, maybe nicer than he ever has after I quit for almost a week. I'm not stupid, it won't last. And besides, I'm REALLY trying to keep my priorities in check, at least...the key word is "trying". I don't know WHAT I can do or find that will captivate my attention away from WoW. Just sitting here isn't the answer. Replacing another computer game from WoW isn't the answer, either, but this has been a pattern for many years, not just since I started with WoW.

It has to be BIG, but right now, all I can do is keep it in "check", make sure it doesn't interrupt my daily life - I still get my work done, go out of the house as much as possible, especially on dates with Mark, and doing what I've been doing lately - cutting off my WoW time at night to a decent hour - 9:00 or 9:30. In the meantime, I'll look for hobbies and distractions from WoW - just ANYTHING that will slowly wean me off the game. Things I LOVE to do - arts and crafts, I don't really care what it is, but it has to be long term. Maybe playing occasionally isn't such a bad thing, but it can't be my "life". It's just that the social aspect, and I know it's hard to understand, is so HUGE.

Ok - better start working - it's 9:30a already!

I'm It!

I was tagged for a MeMe by NotSoAnonymous Mom, (big breath) so here goes:

FYI - Will update with my tagged list once I figure out how to do links again!

The Questions:

What was I doing ten years ago?

Working at a different Big-5 (Big-4?) consulting company, and dating my current husband. Wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder yet, only Major Depression. Living on my own, and taking care of myself, BY MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

2. What are five things on my to do list for today

This is a struggle for me because I have been trying to quit World of Warcraft, but have been playing lately. So...I guess I'll play World of Warcraft some. Work. Go to dinner with my husband. Take a shower. The fifth? Uhmmm...I am REALLY working on finding things to do that don't involve WoW, and it's SO HARD!

3. Snacks I enjoy?

Oreo Cookie Shakes, Twinkies, frosting, crackers with cheese and sausage and cake with ice cream.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire?

Quit my job! Pay off house and bills, and buy a new house, car, etc. Buy things for people I love, like new homes, cars. Do things I ENJOY, like volunteer to help abused children. TRAVEL, TRAVEL, TRAVEL!

Three of my bad habits?

Can I say World of Warcraft counts for all 3? : ) I can name 3 bad habits stemming from that game!

6. Five places I have lived?

Liberal KS, Hays KS, Ft Worth, TX, Dallas, TX, Turpin, OK (oh my that may get some hits)

Five jobs I have had?

Corporate Recruiter
Help Desk Technician
Corporate Real Estate Analyst
Help Desk Supervisor
Music Store Clerk

How did you name your blog?

It's just so ME. "Bipolar and Me". It kind of says it all - what I was trying to achieve with my blog - does it affect my everyday life? I've found, yes, it TOTALLY does.

Tagging some people here that I believe could use a little distraction: (to be completed once I figure out how to do links again)
Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What do I do now?

It's so hard not to get emotional in WoW, I can't explain it. As soon as I felt it (because of the game), I logged out. It just wasn't worth it, and I don't want to get wrapped up in it again. It's a SOCIAL game, so just like playing games with other people, it gets emotional. I HATE it. Before I quit, I never realized how it played and toyed with me like that. I felt INCREDIBLY bored when I quit, but peaceful without WoW.

Those past days without WoW showed me a lot. What I do and do not want in my life. I *do* want to be a harder worker at my job. Impress people with my talent. Get things done - make people happy with my work. I *do* want to lose weight, and I guess the only way to do that is start working out, but that's SUCH a hard habit to start. My gym is about 20 miles away! I want to be a better wife to Mark, but....with him out of town so much, how hard can I try? It's just sparce phone calls throughout the day and night. He tries to call me as much as he possibly can, but I do get lonely. I need to connect with my friends, but THEY work these UNGODLY hours at my former place of employment. I know, because I used to work there! I would leave at 7:01p, and my boss would look up at me and say "leaving so early?". He was a crazy tyrant!

So...it comes down to....what do I want to do with my life? I don't know. Feeling the way I feel right now is not it. There HAS to be more to life than just this. What piece of the puzzle am I missing? What will make me feel complete? Is God the answer? I'm not depressed, I'm just....searching, for ANYTHING that will make me feel better. Drugs aren't the answer. I'm not on the verge of a breakdown or on the verge of anything.

I need help, but from what? For what? What could someone possibly tell me to do that would "fix" my life? That's not even broken?

Maybe I'm just whining to whine. I should feel lucky, right? I have everything I need - but there's GOT to be more. I can't live my life thinking...THIS IS IT.

I know what it is. I need SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO! I have NOTHING in my life to look forward to. This is it, this moment. No kids to be had, just grow old and die, I guess, leaving nothing behind.

And I'm turning 40 in August. Am I going through a mid-life crisis? I can't even think of myself in "mid-life". It's too surreal. I can't bring myself to utter the words "I'm turning 40" to Mark, who's only 32. What would he think????

Tried It

After getting so many emails from my "guildmates" on World of Warcraft, and being left home alone with Mark in Illinois, I suppose, I decided to logon for just a bit. Everyone was so happy I was there, asked where I'd been (I just said I'd been busy), and I played for awhile. It doesn't have the same "lure" anymore.

I don't intend on picking up where I left off. I now intend on exercising self control. I have a job I need to give 100% to, a husband that deserves more than a wife devoting all of her attention to WoW, and a life that needs LIVING. Baths that need to be taken.

The only hard part of playing WoW is...you kind of have to devote a certain block of time when you're in an "instance" (dungeon). You can't just step away for 15 minutes - people are waiting for you. This may go on for 2 hours (or longer), and this is my FAVORITE part of what I do in WoW. I suppose if I decide not to do "instances", this will lessen my desire to play.

I talked to my "online friend" last night - we actually got along really well and did the instances together. It seems time heals all wounds, it's just like it was before we got distant. But TOTALLY platonic.

I miss Mark not being home, and he'll be gone for TWO WEEKS (although he'll be home this weekend). He's my rock - the one who keeps me sane. And entertained (when he's not playing WoW), but he'll be home for us to go out. I *need* to be able to get out of the house or I rot, I now see!!! I found that last weekend, we had a good time together, but I wonder if it's because we hadn't been going out in such a long time? He called this morning when I was still in bed, and I was SO TIRED that I was resting the phone against my head and just mumbling words.

I'm not really disappointed in myself for logging onto WoW. I feel a sense of empowerment - I no longer feel "trapped" or "owned" by the game - that it's bigger than me. If I can just keep it a HOBBY, and not my LIFE, then that would be the best of all worlds. If I can't, then....I know what I'll have to do, and that I can do it. I don't feel "competitive" anymore - like I have to have the best "gear" or that I'm "falling behind" my guildmates. I could really care less, and that's where the obsession comes in. Always having these obtainable "goals" that only takes time to achieve - I don't have any anymore.

My goals are to: lose weight, start going to the gym in the morning (that's a BIG one, maybe after work would be better, but at MY gym, girls wear a full face of makeup and perfume in the evenings), and be a better wife. I can hear the softness in Mark's voice now when I stopped playing WoW and started being more attentive.

Can I play the balancing act? I think so...I NEVER want to go to that place again. I absolutely refuse to let myself.
Sunday, June 08, 2008

Day 5+

Mark and I have had a really nice weekend together, and I REALLY do NOT want him to leave for Illinois tomorrow. He'll actually be gone two weeks in a row! To me, we've grown closer since I stopped playing World of Warcraft - we're doing things outside of the house together, and my nose isn't buried in my computer. I'm showering every day! I'm reading the news, catching up on the latest events, and feel like I've "woken up" from a deep sleep!

I certainly do not want to work tomorrow - I feel SO GUILTY about not working as hard as I should have these past few months. All I can do is, as I read Donald Trump say "obsess on the solutions, not the problems". The solution would be to work my BUTT off and get things done! And show everyone I AM doing this! The game took so much away from me!

Yet, I've now received THREE emails from people in my WoW guild about my absence. I think 5 days in the "WoW World" is something equivalent to two weeks to them, maybe. I haven't read the third one yet - I'm afraid it's a tongue-lashing for not logging in as a co-founder (with 9 others) of the guild. I have a specific job to do in the guild, and I can't very well do it if I'm not in the game - that's why I think it's a reprimand from this particular person. And...she would know that I went onto the website and removed my picture and real name. I just felt it was something I had to do.

I haven't responded to ANY of the emails yet. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I'll log back onto the game yet, so I don't have an answer or explanation. What do I say? I've been busy? What do I say about my future plans? I'll try to log on? What a mess.

To my online friend, I might just be honest and tell him I'm quitting, taking a break, or cutting back for now, maybe selling my character even. I think I owe him something of a response - I'd rather tell him online than in an email, but to DO that I'd have to logon, and then we'd have to be online at the same time, and who knows when that will happen.

I just WISH WISH WISH Mark wasn't going to Illinois! I need him now, even though he sits right beside me on the couch and plays WoW! Doing this alone will be hard - I guess I'll just take my nighttime meds early and go to bed. But what about the rest of the day?

I feel anxious again. I think I'll take a klonipin...but I don't want to NOT feel anxious and logon to WoW. Or is it the other way around - I feel anxious and THEN I logon.

All I know is right now, unless Mark and I are doing something together, it's pretty boring.....

The Email

I deleted my last post because I wrote it when I was kind of drunk, and when I re-read it this morning, it wasn't very nice. Not that I should only write nice things! I was simply....I guess...hurt? And trying to somehow make myself feel better by elevating myself?

And...I feel like an idiot, and soooo confused about what to do. My "online friend" sent me an email with a picture of himself and his daughter on his new boat. It was very short - just this (copied and pasted):

"(Nickname) come back to WOW I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I do something wrong please come back : ("

I honestly did not know he would miss me that much at all. I really didn't even know he would notice I had been gone that long yet. I was surprised he would show himself as so vulnerable and even send a message.

Do I reply to his email? Do I go back to World of Warcraft, but just limit my hours now that I've proven I can quit? I really have no desire to go back, except to talk to my online friend. But now, knowing that he misses me, it makes me want to go back even less. Why is that?

The thing is, a big part of the reason I *did* quit was because of him. It got to be this "push/pull" game. And I spent too much time on the game and away from work. And away from Mark, although I'm finding he didn't really care now.

But...I was physically ill my 1st 24 hours of not playing WoW. And it's only been 5 days since I quit. I feel SO much better than I did before when I first stopped playing - do I dare risk it and take a chance of getting that addicted again and go through it ALL OVER AGAIN?

If I started playing, could I handle it this time? Would I realize how addictive it is and be able to stay away when needed?

No, I'm not logging on right now. I need to think this through. I know he's probably working 12 hours today anyway, and won't be online, so it's fruitless to logon right now anyway. That makes it even weirder that he would send an email (at 6:00a this morning) when he's working 12 hour days/nights this weekend more than likely.

If I'm just logging on to talk to one person, why do I have to talk to that person through WoW only, anyway? There are other forms of communication.

But it's all intertwined. I don't know, at this point, that I can let myself log back on. At the same time, if I know that he's on, I don't know that I can keep myself from logging on, either.

What a mess.

I told Mark I wanted to get a new cellphone, and he asked me why I didn't I spend my money (in my spending account) on hair and clothes? What is he trying to tell me? Maybe it's because all he does is hear me complain about my hair and clothes and how much I want to get each done. Or does he think I need to get my hair cut/highlighted and I need new clothes?

I think my marriage is better without me logging on to WoW, even though Mark plays every second he gets on the weekend when we're not doing something together. It doesn't bother me that he plays - he does things that I was never addicted to at all. If he was in a guild and was doing "instances"...THEN it would bother me, but he isn't and he doesn't.

I don't want to lose my job! Without playing WoW, I think I have a better chance of that not happening, but I don't know. What if my Sr. Manager is actually hiring a second recruiter to TAKE MY PLACE???
Saturday, June 07, 2008

4 Days/5 Nights, No WoW

It's now been 4 24-hour days, including 5 nights (my typical strongest playing time) since I've played World of Warcraft. What I *really* miss, I'm finding, is my "online friend". That's what I'm thinking about mostly and craving. I've done something not so good. I created a character with the sole purpose of just seeing if he's online (adding him to my friends list), and probably logging on about 3 times to check. It doesn't show that *I* have logged on at all - it still would show, in the guild tab (the only place to see), that my character now has not logged on for 4 days (as of this moment).

No, he hasn't been online the times I've checked. The STUPID thing is, even if he was, I still wouldn't log on, so what's the point?

Someone from my guild sent me an email yesterday - saying they hoped everything was okay and that I was missed. It was a really nice message, and I know I need to tell my guild SOMETHING. They're a nice group of people (minus my online friend, I don't know why I don't think he's nice now), and I don't want to just DISAPPEAR without an explanation. When is the right time to post something on their website? In another week? When it's been a week? How do I know I'll be able to keep this up? It's only been 4 days/5 nights! I know that sounds like a vacation the way I'm putting it, but nights are the hardest. Mark is leaving for Illinois on Monday, will I be able to be alone and not play? Someone told me WoW is the "crack/cocaine" of all online games. It's SO TRUE!

Mark and I went to dinner last night and had a nice time. I got dressed up, did my hair and makeup, and I really need to at least go get my nails done today. I'm "hormonal", so I don't feel like doing ANYTHING because I have cramps. My hair has gotten incredibly long because I haven't had it cut since September? October? I *never ever* go that long without a haircut/highlight! It almost looks brown now!

Since I've stopped playing WoW in the past few days, it's weird, but my face has started clearing up a little. I wonder if I sat here with my hands touching my face or something.

BUT. The eczema on my legs has been OUT OF CONTROL! That only happens when I'm majorly stressed, and yes, I think I'm going through a type of trauma. Mark keeps telling me to stop itching my legs or put lotion on them, but I just keep scratching them. I have lotion from the dermatologist, but what do I do? I just sit here and scratch them endlessly.

I have no idea why I still have job. I shouldn't. I just absolutely shouldn't. Maybe they think I have too much on my plate and hiring another recruiter will solve the "problem". There's no way they haven't complained to my Sr. Manager. I found that one of my Hiring Managers complained to their new Sr. Manager about me. All I can do is go from here - start a new day.

Thank God for the Sims. Without it, it would be SO MUCH HARDER to quit WoW. But...I had it before WoW, so I'm really just going back into my old "groove", so to speak.

Mark's about done with his shower, so I'd better end this entry. I don't feel comfortable blogging with him sitting there at all.
Friday, June 06, 2008

New Game

Well, I checked on Amazon and found that the The Sims put out an expansion pack back in February, and downloaded it and just installed it. I played it for a little while, and I think it's going to keep me entertained. No more wondering "how am I going to fill my time??". I read back in my blog to last June, and found I was playing the Sims on the weekends! So there's always been a computer game in the mix! To take one completely out...yes, no wonder I feel so lost and abandoned!

I'm not trying to say I'm substituting one addiction for another - not at all! But the Sims doesn't affect me the way World of Warcraft does. It's not online chatting. It's like a dollhouse, if you will - I guess it depends on the way you play it, and that's how Mark says I play it. When he plays it, he builds buildings and houses - focuses on architecture, as much as you can with the game.

Hopefully this will get me through the "hump" of my WoW addiction withdrawals. To be honest, I totally miss my "online friend" so much, but it's lessening with the discovery of a new addition to my old game. At least there's something to keep me distracted. I predict it will take maybe another week, and then I'll start forgetting all about him - if even that long. Is that realistic? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to try and bury myself in this game that really isn't very addictive at all. I get bored of it after too long.

And....I just found out I'm "hormonal", if you know what I mean. That means ALL WEEKEND, so I can't go to the pool, I guess. Or shop for clothes, really, because the size would be a bit off, and I would be depressed.

Reading back in June, I was so FULL OF MYSELF. But...I wish I had the same self confidence I had back then. What happened to me? Where did it go? I guess I lost it when I took this job and started staying home.

But...that doesn't mean I can't start going to the gym and working out, losing weight, buying new clothes, getting my nails done, going to the pool, and UGH, turning 40? I can't even believe I typed that. It's simply not true. I can't face it, and refuse to do so.

Guess I'd better take a bath before Mark gets home so we can go to dinner!

Almost 72 Hours Now...

OH MY GOD I want to play World of Warcraft! It just seems so exciting to me! Anything is better than this DULL life I lead!

It seems like I've woken up from a deep sleep! I didn't know any of the things that was going on in the world as I was reading through the news on the internet! I was so surprised at many things! I was reading them aloud to Mark - and he was finishing sentences for me. He doesn't even keep up with the news and is ill-informed!

Without World of Warcraft, I see how empty my life really is. Last night, I was looking at my luggage, and told Mark I wanted to go on a trip. He said no - I didn't understand how anxious trips made him, he traveled all the time to Illinois, and we really need to save money (even though we have gobs in the bank). I kept on because I want something to look forward to, and as I sat on the couch feeling empty, I started to cry, which I haven't done in such a long time! It freaked Mark out, and he said, right away, ok, we'll take a trip. I told him that they weren't "blackmail tears", but he said he felt like they were. He said how uncomfortable it made him feel when I cry. I don't understand - I told him I used to cry ALL THE TIME! I guess he's not used to it anymore.

The things I used to do before WoW, that I can remember, I'm no longer interested in doing. WoW has changed me, I guess as each experience changes someone. My life feels so.....EMPTY. I have absolutely NOTHING to look forward to at all! I tried telling Mark this, and his answer was "you're getting a Rolex for your birthday". That's not anything to look forward to! With WoW, I had goals each day that I worked towards - I ALWAYS had something to look forward to, and without it, it's just not the same. I don't see how I could *ever* have something to look forward to on THAT scale again.

I just want to logon and play, and it seems ludicrous that I can't do that. I'm not going to do it, it's been almost 72 hours (3 days at 12:30p, and it's almost 11:00a now), and I refuse to "start the clock" all over again. I've come this far already, why would I throw that away? I know how hard of a time I've had and am having...I don't want to go through this again.

I've analyzed and analyzed my "online friend's" relationship to death. I've decided he found a girlfriend, and his sister wasn't really in town like he said. I'm not jealous, duh. I'm married, I just don't understand why he wouldn't tell me the truth. This is, assuming, I'm correct. When he asked me to check him out on Facebook when we first started talking and I did, I also looked at his "friends", and they were all these cute girls that live near him. He's such a "player" - online, it looked like. It troubled me, and I should have listened to the warning bell that went off in my head. I didn't request to add him as a friend on Facebook even though I have a Facebook page too, which I think puzzled him. But it's all water under the bridge now. I don't think I'll hear from him ever again. I doubt he'll email me asking where I've been - he's probably not logging on to WoW now either. I've made up all of these scenarios in my head, which is probably good, because it keeps me from logging on again. If I thought he was on all the time wondering where I was, it would be hard to keep me from WoW.

Today's Friday, and I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to work. haha - to be honest, all I want to do is play WoW, of course. I've tried playing the Sims instead, the game I used to play, but it's just not the same. It's not online and social, and not addictive. I get bored of it easily. I guess that's how a computer game is supposed to be, right?

I guess back to work, or take a lunch break before getting back to work....
Thursday, June 05, 2008

Almost 48 Hours

My God, I REALLY want to play World of Warcraft, and it's almost been 48 hours since I stopped playing. My defenses are starting to shrivel, but I've made up my mind not to play, and I'm staying strong. I just don't see what the BIG DEAL is all of a sudden, and I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. I just want to play THAT BAD.

At 12:30p (it's about 11:00a), the guild will see that I haven't played in 2 Days, and no longer 1 Day. I'm using that as a milestone, I don't know why. I guess I need something to calculate it.

I don't feel sick today, I'm just "jonesing" to play. I still feel nervous, and I'm sure it will worsen as the day passes. God help me to be strong and not trick myself into logging on "just for this" or "just for that" as an excuse.

If my online friend cared, he would have sent me an email by now, but he hasn't, so he doesn't. I need to be SO over that, it will just take time. Each day I'm a little better. We've been pulling away from each other for awhile now, so it's not like I'm just starting to get over it.

I REALLY don't want to work - it's very difficult. I don't know if it's just because I got into bad habits while playing World of Warcraft, I'm that unmotivated, or it's part of my withdrawals from playing WoW. To be honest, I just want to stay in bed. and that's it.

I don't want to lose my job, I need to do all I can to save it.

It's about lunch time, I think I'll go lay down in bed for awhile.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Over 24 Hours Now...

I feel so sick. I did some research on the internet, and found that addiction can be defined as something that, when you think of going without, causes severe trauma. It listed online gaming as as addiction, and mentioned World of Warcraft specifically.

I've taken every anti-anxiety medication I have, and I still feel so....nervous? Sick? The information went on to say that online games stimulate the same part of the brain as narcotics do, which would explain how I feel without playing WoW.

If I were to go somewhere on vacation, but knew I could come back and play WoW, I would be okay with that. I don't think I would feel sick. But knowing I'm never going to play again - I don't know why it makes me so anxious and nervous.

But thinking I can just pick it up right this second and play to make myself feel better...I don't think that will work.

Something the article said about online gaming was to picture yourself in two years at this very moment - with the decision to quit or keep playing, and what would you do? I can't IMAGINE my life as still playing so obsessively for two more years. I would deteriorate into NOTHING. I would be a NO ONE. It's been 5 months - but 2 years??

I know it doesn't matter now, but after having plenty of time to think about it, I think my online friend may have decided to quit, too, without saying so much. I really don't care so much about him anymore, but see him as part of the "overall picture" of World of Warcraft. Let's say he's now blended in to the "World of Warcraft community" to me, instead of sticking out so much as an individual.

What am I going to do about work? I don't know if, because my head is no longer buried in the game, that I'm just noticing that people are frustrated with my work, or they have been for awhile. I couldn't CONCENTRATE today, though. I just sat and stared, day dreaming, I guess, and did what I could. I lay in bed for hours, and was in bed when Mark came home.

He started to play World of Warcraft, and then realized I was serious about quitting. I told him I'd tried last week, then picked it up again, and am now trying again. I didn't ask him not to play, though. I told him if I couldn't do it this time, then I was going to counseling. I think that startled him quite a bit - at least he seemed that way. He stopped playing, and said he was only doing it as a "family event", for something that we could talk about and do together.

Except it was ruining my life.

I just hope I don't lose my job over World of Warcraft. The thing is...I'm actually PHYSICALLY SICK (mentally, of course) because of this, and none of my medications do the "trick". I wish I could just take a week off to "rest".

This is WAY HARDER than I thought it would be.

Now I know what it's like to be addicted to something. I'll never have to wonder again, and can now have empathy. Yay for me, what a lucky break, huh?

I've PRAYED and PRAYED to God to help see me through this, as well as help me keep my job. I just HOPE I don't lose it do to WoW!

Withdrawals

For lunch today, I went to Starbucks to get a coffee, and then just lay in bed for a couple of hours, thinking mainly about my online friend and the brief conversations that had transpired over the past week, and the "WoW online community" in general. It eases me to think these simple words "I'm no longer a part of the World of Warcraft online community". I feel so much relief for some bizarre reason. But I'm also so non-functional right now! The simplest things I can't do! Like FOCUS! All I do is think about what I was thinking about in bed!

Will I get over this? If so, how long does it take? What interests do I even have? I guess I'll develop new interests the longer that I don't play, and that will take care of itself.

I know that now, to my guildmates, the "clock" says that I haven't been online for 1 Day. Not 8 hours, or 14 hours, but 1 Day. Since 12:30p. Tomorrow at 12:30p, it will say 2 Days, and on and on. But what concerns me is that I'm a co-founder of the guild, and it's really not acceptable what I'm doing - quitting. I'm supposed to be really involved. We (They) have a website and everything, and I have a specific "job". I need to tell them that I'm no longer playing - but when? Or do I owe them nothing, and maybe get "kicked out of the guild" for inactivity? I certainly wouldn't retain my position after several weeks go by, that's for sure.

I really don't get addicted to anything, and this is new territory for me. Drugs, no. Alcohol, no. Gambling, no. Cigarettes, no. Spending, not really.

I think I remember, maybe 15 years ago, I was probably addicted to an online chat BBS, and my then husband at the time didn't question what I was doing. It led to some not so wonderful circumstances, and the beginning of the end of my marriage. However, getting out of that marriage was a very POSITIVE thing for me. This is not POSITIVE. If it were, I wouldn't be trying to quit on my own.

Mark is having a really rough time at work and hates his job. He is generally miserable, and I think that is why he plays WoW so addictively when he is at home, although he is able to balance it out, I think? Or is it his playing WoW that makes dealing with his job difficult? For me, it was WoW first, then keeping up with my job and doing my job and hating my job second. I wonder if it's the same for him?

I really hate my job. I wonder if not playing WoW is going to change that. I doubt it.

Am I going to live in this hell forever?
Tuesday, June 03, 2008

First 24 Hours - Again

I made my blog "private" because people just don't understand what I'm going through - not playing WoW - and how many times can people read the same thing without getting frustrated with me?

Last night was, once again, the first night without playing WoW, and it was miserable. It's now been 20 hours since I've played - at 12:30p today, it will be 1 complete day.

I just watched television all night - crime shows, to keep my mind off of WoW, while Mark played all night. I asked him if I should delete my character, and he said "no", and didn't understand why I was going "cold turkey" and not playing WoW at all. I told him that I wasn't him and can't handle it like he can.

It's actually nice not to be "jealous" of anyone about anything. Who is a better Healer, why I don't get invited to certain groups, why my online friend doesn't talk to me like he used to do!

The only thing is...last night I actually felt like I had the flu or something - the withdrawal effects were that bad.

Right *now* I feel ok, although I would love to logon. But I keep reminding myself of the jealousy towards everyone I was starting to feel, and I want to stay away from that FEELING as much as I can.

But I want to logon and just fish for gold....I love doing that. Not talking to anyone, just fish. I'll miss that the most.

Slowly....

I played WoW when I woke up this morning at 5:30 to wake up, and during my lunch hour. I now HATE myself for playing that stupid game. It takes so much of my energy and emotions away from me. It makes me feel anxious, but I also want that escape and to attain my goals. I really don't know what to do to take a "break" from work. Maybe I should just lay in bed and try to take a nap instead. Like I was saying, find a good book.

I doubt I'll talk to my online friend now for awhile, which surely will be good for me. At least it keeps me from playing at night when Mark's home. When Mark goes out of town next week? I don't know what I'll do. Right now I'm spending time with him.

I don't even feel like I fit into the "online community" anymore, since my break. It makes it easier to stay away when you don't feel as wanted or needed.

Maybe I should do like that person suggested, just not renew my subscription. That will give me x number of days to really think about this. I will have to get into my purse and grab my credit card to renew, giving me time to analyze what I was doing before I did it. There's GOT to be an answer - some way of taking it away from myself. I'm now limiting myself at night - I didn't play hardly at all last night and went to bed by 10:00p. That's a big step for me. But I didn't really *want* to play, either. And I felt triumphant!

I'm drowning at work. I can't keep up. My Manager is starting to notice and send me emails, and it scares me. Maybe the best thing for me would be to move on? I keep waiting for an email asking if I'd be interested in some terrific, fantastic job, but one never comes...
Monday, June 02, 2008

ANOTHER Start

This is probably the first night in a LONG time that I'm not playing World of Warcraft simply because I do not WANT to play it. I see now that it's more of a social thing for me, and without it, it's simply not appealing.

As far as my online friend, what is there to say about that? There's really nothing there to say anything. It's just a "game" that's got to, and going to, end some how, some way, anyway, if it hasn't already. My "guild" of friends...they aren't my "real friends" - they're people in a "chat program", per se.

Part of me feels like crying, I don't know why. It's like realization just hit me. All of a sudden, all of the things that I SHOULD have been doing is hitting me like a ton of bricks, and it's suffocating. Like WORK - that's a HUGE example. Instead of playing WoW at lunch, I could have tooled down to the pool for an hour and gotten a tan, or gotten a pedi/manicure. I should have been uhhh...like, working?

I don't know how to KEEP this feeling, though. How do I remind myself of how I feel right now and not WANT to play tomorrow? It can be such an escape, but right now, I'm escaping from IT.

This is so confusing. That simple question..."why do you play"....yeah, why? With Mark downstairs playing his little heart out in WoW and wondering what the hell I'm doing tonight?

I actually took long, hot bath. : ) And plan to take my meds at 9:00p, in bed by 10:00p. : )

What Kind of Hobby....

I can't motivate myself to work, although I think I'm falling behind. My skin is pimply, and I don't know what to do about it - lay out in the sun at the pool? That would require me to wear a bathing suit, which I've been contemplating how to "get away with it" this summer. Wear a bikini top and bottom with a short sarong (which I already have several? How do I get into the pool, then, without taking the sarong off and showing everyone my bulging flab? I honestly feel like one of the Southpark kids when they played World of Warcraft for a year.

I got online on WoW for like....a minute, and my online friend was online, too. Apparently for the past two days he's been on his new boat, and his sister has been visiting him. The days before that, of course, I banned myself from WoW. So it has been almost a week since I talked to him. His sister was still there, so it was short. He did ask me a CRAZY question, and these are always out of the blue. He asked if I had been doing "arena" (too many details to explain), and I told him no, not since the last time we all grouped. He said if not, then what had I been doing online? I'm not writing it exactly - it was said in a more accusatory fashion. I felt like I had to defend myself and explain what I had been doing? I told him, and then quickly changed the subject. Why do I have to answer to him about what I do online? Why does he get so JEALOUS (I'm assuming)? I mean, I'm MARRIED! He knows this! I WANTED to say "I use WoW purely as a chat program, and I stay in the trade area and just chat with everyone", but I didn't. That would make him really mad, and prove to him his theory: that I have a new "boy toy" and he's been replaced. (???) He said he would send a bunch of pictures from his sister's visit, we talked about game stats, and that was about it. Or...I guess that since he hasn't played WoW in about 2 days, he's truly curious, I have no idea.

I should JUST NOT LOG ON TO WoW!!!! Too much drama! I did it for over 2 days, why can't I suck it up and do it again? Why did I pick it up again? Because I woke up at 3:30a, and in my Seroquel fog, I logged on when I was bored, not really thinking about it. But it's SO HARD when Mark is playing right beside me. Last night, I stopped playing early, and I entertained myself with John Mayer youtube videos and songs - and actually put myself in a good mood! I need to do THAT again! I could clean (whatever), go to the pool, uhmmm...read a book? (ok, that's stretching it, but hey - something besides WoW). Read everyone's blogs and comment (like I used to do!!!) - that actually took up a good chunk of my time, and I enjoyed it! Go to the gym, SHOP!!!, and did I say watch John Mayer videos on Youtube? Oh yeah, I did. : ) Watching television is just NOT enough stimulation for me. I have to be doing something AND watch television. Like surf the net or whatever.

Or get addicted to work, like I was before WoW. Even THAT would be better than WoW. I think that's the real reason I *made* (yes, it was a conscience decision) myself get addicted to WoW - I needed a break from my addiction from work.

I can't seem to find a balance. It's ALL or nothing. I can cold turkey WoW again. I just don't know when to start the clock once more....I should say NOW, right? *sigh* It's SO much harder than it sounds, when your computer is on the arm of the couch right next to where you sit. I suppose I could move my computer to make it difficult to use at all, but....what in the world would I do with my time? If I'm not even surfing the internet? I used to be a political junkie...I guess I've always been addicted, let's say "passionate", about something almost all of the time, it's just...what can I replace WoW with now?

It has to be something pretty major....but what....what can I replace it with that will engross my waking hours productively? A hobby...but....what?
Sunday, June 01, 2008

Weekend's Progress

Well, I gave in and played World of Warcraft this weekend - But I didn't talk to my online friend at all. Apparently he was on some during those few days I banned myself from playing, then he didn't logon a single time this weekend. I could speculate about things I know, things I don't know, but in the end, it is what it is. This is the first time either of us have gone this long without logging on since I've known him. Very bizarre.

I HAD to log off earlier because the anxiety was getting to me SO BAD. I thought, what WAS IT that I used to do? Then I remembered JOHN MAYER is going to be here in AUGUST - AUGUST 1st, one day before my BIRTHDAY!!! : ) Oh my gosh, I am in LOVE with John Mayer! But two really, really good seats for John Mayer are 2/$1700, and that's really too much for a 2-3 hour experience. AND...I've already picked out what I want for my birthday - a Rolex. How can I have BOTH?

I've just been playing songs from LimeWire and on YouTube, having fun, forgetting about World of Warcraft altogether, and in a good mood. The anxiety is almost gone, and I feel more like myself. I hate myself when I'm playing WoW now. It all seems so pointless, yet there I sit, hour after hour, playing. And HOPING he logs on, but he didn't. And then....I look at his picture, and I think, THAT is who I WANT to log ON? HIM??? Am I NUTS? The fantasy world and the real world don't really go together very well. He's NOT someone I'd EVER be attracted to in real life. Mark is totally my type. He's so blue collar, Mark and I are so white collar. Not that that should mean anything, but it's a whole different way of living and maybe thinking, perhaps? He's a union leader, of all things! Mark is totally against unions! I'm somewhere in the middle. I see the benefits, but...a LEADER? I have this picture in my head of the South Park episode where people "from the future" come and take over labor jobs for less money, and the blue collar workers unite and keep saying "They took our jobs!" wearing flannel shirts and just ridiculous things like that. I couldn't live that way! I worked for an aerospace company in the office, where the workers had a union who almost went on strike and, yeah, they actually were kind of that way. Except THEIR motto was "Ain't No Way". Oh, brother.

I'm just reiterating to myself all of the reasons I shouldn't play WoW. It's time consuming, I could lose my job, my life, my everything, even though Mark plays addictively too.

There WERE big steps in the right direction this weekend. Mark and I went to dinner twice (TWICE!) and we actually went to see a movie! (Indiana Jones). That's HUGE! For me to actually get out of the house? Major events! : )

So maybe progress is being made in small steps. Curiousity killed the cat, and probably kept him coming back, and I'm afraid that's what will happen with WoW. I'll be curious if he logs on or if he doesn't, and then start to play. If it weren't for him, could I quit? It would be a TON easier. I hate to say it because I don't really want it, but it would be so much easier if he just quit. Do you think he will? I hope not, but it sure would fix the problem for me.

Guess I'll try to go to bed - tomorrow is Monday after all.

Night everyone!

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